February 12, 2021 • 10 mins
Pandemic-enforced social distancing has increased feelings of loneliness. On today’s episode, I discuss how you can feel less lonely.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Even before the pandemic arrived,
there was a growing public health issue of loneliness in
the United States, not only in the elderly, but across
all age groups, and notably even in older teens and
young adults. And That's what I'll be answering your questions
(00:49):
about today, loneliness. In the time of COVID loneliness leads
to depression and anxiety, and correlates with physical health problems.
While social media makes us seem more connected, loneliness has
also grown, making it pretty clear that feeling lonely is
(01:09):
not only remedied by more connections to superficial acquaintances. Those
who study loneliness have found that it is the lack
of deeper, more intimate and trusted relationships than impacts feelings
of loneliness. During this past year, people have been staying
at home, interacting with others by phone and zoom, and
(01:31):
not even seeing some family members. This lack of contact,
combined with an inability to make new relationships, has caused
the number of people reporting feeling lonely to skyrocket. So
let's get to it and see how can I help
question one, Hello, doctor Saltz. Being stuck at home and
(01:55):
away from friends for so many months, I find it
easier and easier to cut myself off from the outside
world and communicate with them less and less. What do
I do about this? How can I maintain my social
relationships when online communication can feel like such a burden
for many people, Exclusively communicating online is not as compelling
(02:20):
or enjoyable to the way it feels to talk in person.
Even being on the phone. Humans are wired to bond
in person, and all of our modern day inventions to
connect otherwise does not diminish the need for in person bonding.
We need touch, we need closeness, we need hugs and care,
(02:44):
but even more so during times that are scary or
filled with struggle. It's exactly times like this that make
us most want to be connected by being physically present
and emotionally available with others. Because all most everyone is
feeling in need right now, it's also easy for each
of us to feel we don't have the bandwidth to
(03:06):
emotionally extend ourselves, and then when we emotionally withdraw as
a result, so does the other person, and you can
see it becomes a vicious cycle. Also, it's been found
that when an individual starts to feel lonely, they often
have accompanying thoughts that are more negative than reality would
(03:29):
bear out thoughts like my friends don't like me, there's
something wrong with me, I'm going to be all alone
and be stuck that way. These kinds of negative thoughts
can be a self fulfilling prophecy, but by identifying and
challenging your thoughts, it can help you to re engage.
(03:52):
I would suggest that because it's such a difficult time,
likely everything feels like a burden right now, and that
one thing that can help you feel less burdened is
choosing just two or three people who are really important
to you and engaging with them in a different way
now by starting with asking them how are they feeling?
(04:15):
But how are they really feeling? Hear how they are
truly doing show your care and concern for them, and
then share with them how you are truly doing, not
just oh it's okay or it's fine, but how are
you really doing? Be as honest and authentic as you
(04:35):
can be. By comforting them and thereby by helping them
will make you feel somewhat better. But then by sharing
how you truly feel, it's likely to make you feel
better too, and it will certainly help you to feel
less burdened. How can I help with Dr Gail Salts
(04:56):
will be back after this short break? Question two, Dear
Doctor Saults. Social distancing has made it harder for me
to sustain social interaction, both in person and virtually. Sometimes
(05:18):
I get tired talking to people on Zoom after just
a few minutes. How can I rebuild my social stamina?
Socializing only via devices is more tiring. This is because
you have peer social cues like body language that you
can easily read and helps you get into sync with
the person you're interacting with. The more mystery as a result,
(05:41):
can also contribute to more misunderstandings, ones that never get addressed,
arise in tension and one or both of your minds,
and a decrease in feelings of trust. It can cause
you to withdraw more, to feel less positively about the
effort of interacting, and it can erode feelings of empathy
(06:03):
and being in each other's corner. It's less a matter
of building stamina and more a matter of building trust
and intimacy, if only with a few people. Being focused
more on quality than quantity. Because you are forced to
do this via a device with only your face and
(06:25):
your words to accomplish it, it's important to pump up
the emotional volume on your dialogue. By this, I mean
tell the other person how you really feel particularly about them,
like how much you're missing them, what you specifically like
about them, reminisce over very specific good times and maybe
(06:47):
even over difficult times. Speak of your care, talk about
the nature of your connection, talk about your love, giving
them a verbal hug. In a sense, intensifying your emotional
language increases feeling connected for both of you, which will
(07:08):
help with feeling less lonely. More of this type of
talk is actually less tiring than the superficial how's the
weather talk, and that will help you to feel less
exhausted and move on to speaking more commonly, more frequently.
(07:29):
Dear doctor, Saltz. Since my social life is so restricted
these days, I'm getting most of my human interaction from
brief conversations with neighbors I pass on the street, the cashier,
the grocery store, the delivery guy. How can I make
the most of these interactions to fight off loneliness? The
reality is that loneliness is often the result of a
(07:50):
lack of closer, more intimate relationships, someone who really knows
you and you know and you both really listen to
each other and provide support and understand day right now.
For most people, this means having to use screens and
phones to have these conversations with those were closer to,
and I advise you, especially if you live alone, to
(08:11):
do just that, to use your phone and your screen
to have deeper, more meaningful conversations with just a few
that you feel close to. However, if you do live alone,
the loss of in person talk of any kind is
a profound one. Admittedly, masks make it harder to exchange
the smile and facial expression that often precedes a hello,
(08:35):
how are you, and serves as an invitation to even
more than that type of chit chat. We look for
that facial invitation so as to feel less uncomfortable and
more sure that we won't be rejected if we stick
our neck out with an overture. Given these obstacles, you
have to use other body language to signal to your
passers by you would like to chat, wave of them,
(08:58):
gesture with a come here arms sign to let them
know I'd love an interaction. Stop stand six feet away
and say so, I'd actually like to hear how are
you actually and ask have you been able to do
anything outside that you enjoyed? Share your tips for the same.
(09:18):
In other words, add a little substance to your conversation.
Not everyone will desire to do this, but it's likely
more than a few people you pass by feel the
same way you do and would welcome it. These touchstones
can satisfy some of your need for in person communication.
(09:40):
I hope this was helpful. Here are some thoughts I
hope will make a difference. When you're feeling lonely. If
social distancing and the strain on your relationships have increased
feelings of isolation and loneliness, you've got company. That means
it's not only you, it's likely the people in your
usual circle as well. We are all collectively lonely. This
(10:05):
is the time to do socially distanced walks with people
with a friend, have a socially distant, albeit cold, picnic outside.
Pump up your emotional language with an abundance of care.
Say I care, I love you, You're important to me.
It's possible, and it's important to feel more intimately connected
(10:27):
during this very challenging time. Do you have a problem
I can help with? If so, email me at how
Can I Help? At Seneca women dot com. All senders
remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I
Help with Me? Doctor Gail Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Even before the pandemic arrived,
there was a growing public health issue of loneliness in
the United States, not only in the elderly, but across
all age groups, and notably even in older teens and
young adults. And That's what I'll be answering your questions
(00:49):
about today, loneliness. In the time of COVID loneliness leads
to depression and anxiety, and correlates with physical health problems.
While social media makes us seem more connected, loneliness has
also grown, making it pretty clear that feeling lonely is
(01:09):
not only remedied by more connections to superficial acquaintances. Those
who study loneliness have found that it is the lack
of deeper, more intimate and trusted relationships than impacts feelings
of loneliness. During this past year, people have been staying
at home, interacting with others by phone and zoom, and
(01:31):
not even seeing some family members. This lack of contact,
combined with an inability to make new relationships, has caused
the number of people reporting feeling lonely to skyrocket. So
let's get to it and see how can I help
question one, Hello, doctor Saltz. Being stuck at home and
(01:55):
away from friends for so many months, I find it
easier and easier to cut myself off from the outside
world and communicate with them less and less. What do
I do about this? How can I maintain my social
relationships when online communication can feel like such a burden
for many people, Exclusively communicating online is not as compelling
(02:20):
or enjoyable to the way it feels to talk in person.
Even being on the phone. Humans are wired to bond
in person, and all of our modern day inventions to
connect otherwise does not diminish the need for in person bonding.
We need touch, we need closeness, we need hugs and care,
(02:44):
but even more so during times that are scary or
filled with struggle. It's exactly times like this that make
us most want to be connected by being physically present
and emotionally available with others. Because all most everyone is
feeling in need right now, it's also easy for each
of us to feel we don't have the bandwidth to
(03:06):
emotionally extend ourselves, and then when we emotionally withdraw as
a result, so does the other person, and you can
see it becomes a vicious cycle. Also, it's been found
that when an individual starts to feel lonely, they often
have accompanying thoughts that are more negative than reality would
(03:29):
bear out thoughts like my friends don't like me, there's
something wrong with me, I'm going to be all alone
and be stuck that way. These kinds of negative thoughts
can be a self fulfilling prophecy, but by identifying and
challenging your thoughts, it can help you to re engage.
(03:52):
I would suggest that because it's such a difficult time,
likely everything feels like a burden right now, and that
one thing that can help you feel less burdened is
choosing just two or three people who are really important
to you and engaging with them in a different way
now by starting with asking them how are they feeling?
(04:15):
But how are they really feeling? Hear how they are
truly doing show your care and concern for them, and
then share with them how you are truly doing, not
just oh it's okay or it's fine, but how are
you really doing? Be as honest and authentic as you
(04:35):
can be. By comforting them and thereby by helping them
will make you feel somewhat better. But then by sharing
how you truly feel, it's likely to make you feel
better too, and it will certainly help you to feel
less burdened. How can I help with Dr Gail Salts
(04:56):
will be back after this short break? Question two, Dear
Doctor Saults. Social distancing has made it harder for me
to sustain social interaction, both in person and virtually. Sometimes
(05:18):
I get tired talking to people on Zoom after just
a few minutes. How can I rebuild my social stamina?
Socializing only via devices is more tiring. This is because
you have peer social cues like body language that you
can easily read and helps you get into sync with
the person you're interacting with. The more mystery as a result,
(05:41):
can also contribute to more misunderstandings, ones that never get addressed,
arise in tension and one or both of your minds,
and a decrease in feelings of trust. It can cause
you to withdraw more, to feel less positively about the
effort of interacting, and it can erode feelings of empathy
(06:03):
and being in each other's corner. It's less a matter
of building stamina and more a matter of building trust
and intimacy, if only with a few people. Being focused
more on quality than quantity. Because you are forced to
do this via a device with only your face and
(06:25):
your words to accomplish it, it's important to pump up
the emotional volume on your dialogue. By this, I mean
tell the other person how you really feel particularly about them,
like how much you're missing them, what you specifically like
about them, reminisce over very specific good times and maybe
(06:47):
even over difficult times. Speak of your care, talk about
the nature of your connection, talk about your love, giving
them a verbal hug. In a sense, intensifying your emotional
language increases feeling connected for both of you, which will
(07:08):
help with feeling less lonely. More of this type of
talk is actually less tiring than the superficial how's the
weather talk, and that will help you to feel less
exhausted and move on to speaking more commonly, more frequently.
(07:29):
Dear doctor, Saltz. Since my social life is so restricted
these days, I'm getting most of my human interaction from
brief conversations with neighbors I pass on the street, the cashier,
the grocery store, the delivery guy. How can I make
the most of these interactions to fight off loneliness? The
reality is that loneliness is often the result of a
(07:50):
lack of closer, more intimate relationships, someone who really knows
you and you know and you both really listen to
each other and provide support and understand day right now.
For most people, this means having to use screens and
phones to have these conversations with those were closer to,
and I advise you, especially if you live alone, to
(08:11):
do just that, to use your phone and your screen
to have deeper, more meaningful conversations with just a few
that you feel close to. However, if you do live alone,
the loss of in person talk of any kind is
a profound one. Admittedly, masks make it harder to exchange
the smile and facial expression that often precedes a hello,
(08:35):
how are you, and serves as an invitation to even
more than that type of chit chat. We look for
that facial invitation so as to feel less uncomfortable and
more sure that we won't be rejected if we stick
our neck out with an overture. Given these obstacles, you
have to use other body language to signal to your
passers by you would like to chat, wave of them,
(08:58):
gesture with a come here arms sign to let them
know I'd love an interaction. Stop stand six feet away
and say so, I'd actually like to hear how are
you actually and ask have you been able to do
anything outside that you enjoyed? Share your tips for the same.
(09:18):
In other words, add a little substance to your conversation.
Not everyone will desire to do this, but it's likely
more than a few people you pass by feel the
same way you do and would welcome it. These touchstones
can satisfy some of your need for in person communication.
(09:40):
I hope this was helpful. Here are some thoughts I
hope will make a difference. When you're feeling lonely. If
social distancing and the strain on your relationships have increased
feelings of isolation and loneliness, you've got company. That means
it's not only you, it's likely the people in your
usual circle as well. We are all collectively lonely. This
(10:05):
is the time to do socially distanced walks with people
with a friend, have a socially distant, albeit cold, picnic outside.
Pump up your emotional language with an abundance of care.
Say I care, I love you, You're important to me.
It's possible, and it's important to feel more intimately connected
(10:27):
during this very challenging time. Do you have a problem
I can help with? If so, email me at how
Can I Help? At Seneca women dot com. All senders
remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I
Help with Me? Doctor Gail Salts
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