The Most Wonderful Time of the Year? Not for Some People

Presents to buy. Extra meals to prepare. Out-of-town relatives to deal with. And it’s all happening when there’s less daylight and a greater chance of cold, wet weather. No wonder the holidays provoke anxiety. Dr. Saltz has great advice on how to keep it all together—at least until 2023 rolls around.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. The holidays are upon us.
Is it the most wonderful time of the year. Not
for the three and five Americans with any mental health issue,
and frankly not for the many more who have had
someone close to them die this year, who feel lonely,

(00:49):
who are stressed about finances, or who just don't feel
particularly cheery around the holidays. The American Psychological Association did
a survey finding that close to people feel significantly more
stressed around the holidays. Spending time with friends and family

(01:13):
seems like it should be relaxing, but that's not always
the case. Having deadlines, really needing to travel, party planning,
having expensive shopping lists can all increase your stress level.
The holidays and stress are for some people practically synonymous.

(01:39):
Holiday related stress manifests itself in a variety of ways,
feeling generally nervous, a raise and blood pressure, feeling like
your heart is racing. Some people get migraines or stomach
aches around this time of year. They may develop insomnia,
which can leave you talk sing, and turning. Some people

(02:03):
experience just general high muscle tension, are reduced sex drive,
feeling highly irritable. You might have a weakening of your
immune system due to high stress, which then means you
pick up every coal that comes by. And you might
just be experiencing high anxiety. Some people find there aren't

(02:28):
enough hours in a day to finish all those to
do lists. Some people will be agonizing over finances and
buying expensive gifts, or just gifts at all. You might
worry about taking time off from work to travel or
to be with family, and these stressors can compound with time,

(02:49):
making it difficult to enjoy the holiday season. While everybody
experiences anxiety, sometimes most people do hope to feel more
relaxed and in the spirit at this time of year.
So the counterpoint between what it seems like you should
be feeling and what you're actually feeling can unfortunately make

(03:12):
you feel more isolated and worse. But in reality, It's
normal to worry about things being out of your control,
and the holiday season often exacerbates those types of feelings,
so instead of enjoying time with loved ones, too many
people dwell on the small details. Perfectionism really piques during

(03:37):
this time of year. There may be an overwhelming urge
to be the best at everything, to make the nicest
holiday idealize. Social media posts can really intensify anxious tendencies
around this type of perfectionism, and social anxiety is also

(03:59):
a real issue for many people during the holidays. Social
anxiety affects fifteen million adults in the US every year,
and those with social anxiety disorder around this time of year,
where there's so many holiday parties and gatherings, may have
more nervousness to the point of even panic attacks. Might

(04:21):
be feeling things like sweating and blushing and shaking, stomach
issues and rapid heartbeat, and sometimes this leads to ongoing
feelings of depression or anxiety. Many social gatherings and unfamiliar
faces can intensify this all and those with social anxiety

(04:45):
might find it difficult to talk to groups, eat in
front of other people, which you do at holiday parties,
meet new people or visit new places. Given the holiday
is this time for socializing, some of those people might
feel that they need to avoid celebrating altogether. Thoughts of

(05:06):
being sad can increase during the holidays. The World Health
Organization reports the depression affects about two hundred eighty million
people globally. Those with clinical depression or more likely to
experience worsening symptoms from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day, but

(05:28):
even people without a prior diagnosis can experience seasonal effect
of disorder or winter blues during the holidays, with symptoms
ranging from feelings of sadness hopelessness, to high irritability to
an unexplained loss of interest in the usual things that

(05:49):
gave them pleasure, to difficulty falling asleep or sleeping too much,
having a lack of energy, a change in appetite or weight,
difficulty concentrating, having pain in the body, and thoughts of
death or suicide. Why does the holiday season cause this

(06:11):
spike in depression. Part of the reason may be that
shorter days mean less sunshine and reduce sunlight affects the
circadian clock, which also affects melatonin levels, which is the
hormone needed for sleep. Regulation and increased amounts may contribute
to feeling low energy or tired all the time, and

(06:34):
a decrease in serotonin, known as the feel good hormone,
can also precipitate this low and blue feeling. The holidays
are also a time of reflection. Unfortunately, not all memories
are happy ones. Remembering sad events can exacerbate old wounds.

(06:58):
Spending the season alone after losing a loved one can
make that person feel worse, can raise their grief level,
and they can feel more longing for the person that
is gone. Other people may feel depressed due to another
year of unmet goals or feelings of inadequacy. The end

(07:21):
of the year makes us tend to review the year
what we've accomplished, and sometimes people come up feeling not
very good about it. Even not having enough money to
buy gifts can trigger seasonal depression. Everyone has different kinds
of relationships, and most people struggle with some of them.

(07:44):
Family friends, romantic partners, even acquaintances. Problems can arise at
any time with a relationship, and when they do, it
does tend to put a damper on holiday celebrations. The
perception that all relationships should be in a jolly place,
which really is not rational nor fair, can make you

(08:07):
feel like something is wrong, even when they're really not.
The holidays should be a time, it seems to everyone
of goodwill and cheer, and spending time with loved ones
does conjure up this image of boasting chestnuts over an
open fire. Everything feels like it's supposed to be peaceful

(08:28):
and serene and full of love. At least that's what
the Hallmark movies portray, but it's not always the case
in the real world. Relationships do have ups and downs,
and stresses and old hurts and resentments can come up
at any time of year, including the holidays, and being

(08:49):
close quarters with relatives you aren't usually with can raise
stress levels too. Even pretending to like all your coworkers
at the office Christmas party can be too much to handle,
especially at this time when many people find themselves arguing
over politics, social issues, money issues, religious beliefs, and general

(09:14):
morals and values. Although it's tempting to sweep these kinds
of challenges under the rug, it's really better to try
to resolve them. Talking about relationship issues can be uncomfortable,
but it could be the difference between celebrating the holidays
with a forced smile or a genuine one. So with that,

(09:41):
right after the break, we'll get to my listener's question.
Welcome back. Let's get to my listener's question and see
how can I help, Dear Doctor Saltz. My family is

(10:04):
all coming to me for the holidays. Everyone will be
staying here for four to five days, and on the
one hand, I'm really grateful we will all be together,
but on the other hand, I'm finding myself increasingly anxious
and dreading the inevitable stress build up to figuring out
how I'm going to feed everyone, get all the gifts

(10:27):
in time, afford all the trappings, not lose my patience
with everyone here, and generally not feel overwhelmed. I always
say I like having everyone here, and it's really become
our tradition. But at the same time, I also find
myself just struggling a lot in the days leading up

(10:47):
to it and during the days we are all here,
such that I'm not enjoying the holiday very much. But
then I also don't want to not do it. Any
ideas for how I can make this less stressful for
myself and maybe even feel good during the actual holidays

(11:08):
when it comes to stressing out about the holidays, it's
important to remember the adage that less is more. Adding
to your financial stress and your work burden will mean
you are already on thin ice with your emotional tolerance
for managing all the personalities and the needs of an

(11:28):
extended family for four to five days, and then, as
you point out, you don't end up and enjoying yourself,
and chances are it's more tense for everyone, which means
you spend all the extra money you didn't have to spend,
and did all the extra prepping that left you tax

(11:49):
for not much in terms of the outcome. It sounds
like you feel trapped into doing all this by the
expectation this is what the holiday is all about. Somehow,
while traditions can be really nice, not traditions which only
serve the purpose of suffering. It's likely that all this

(12:12):
expectation comes mostly from you and less so from others.
Given you are always hosting, I would really suggest you
switch things up in a way to shift some of
the burden while still maintaining the essence of the tradition
of togetherness, of gifts and feasting by asking everyone to

(12:35):
bring one dish by suggesting a round Robin's Secret Santa
style of gifting, where everyone brings one gift for one
other person. You can greatly diminish both the spending and
the workload. You also actually let everyone feel more involved

(12:55):
and get a bit of the appreciation too. I would
also add having overnight guests for five days is a lot.
It's a lot of time to spend with people you
don't usually do so in such a concentrated way. It's
a lot of time for everyone to be patient and

(13:16):
kind and relaxed yet entertained. Oftentimes, shorter is sweeter, It's
actually pretty stressful to put everyone together under your roof
and be the host. Consider trimming how long you actually
do this. Three days together may leave you feeling less

(13:38):
depleted and irritable, and allow everyone to stay in the
honeymoon phase of the get together and then go home.
Plan a few all together things to do, but otherwise
let others entertain or rest themselves as they see fit
while they're there. Don't try to be responsible for every

(14:01):
waking moment. By cutting down on the overall real stress involved,
you are less likely to stress ahead of time. But
in addition, you may also need to rethink your mindset
going in. Oftentimes those who host feel a personal need

(14:22):
for perfection, which stresses them unnecessarily and doesn't really make
the holiday any better. What people end up valuing most
over the holidays is really sharing loving feelings and gratitude
to have each other in their lives. So think about

(14:43):
allowing more to go by the wayside materially and not
having everything so perfect. But think about adding to the
loving feelings that you share in the days you have together,
for example, going around the table and having everyone shares
something they really feel grateful for or someone they really

(15:05):
feel grateful for. Yours might focus on your family, or
making a point to sit down with each family member
for a more intimate chat while they are there and
expressing how you feel about them. Sharing more that makes
you feel closer and loving and loved is likely to

(15:28):
decrease your stress and also change your perspective on what
really matters this holiday season. I hope that was helpful.
You don't have to be as excited about the holidays
as everyone around you acts like they are. You might
have experienced something this year that was difficult, some grief

(15:51):
or some other kind of loss, or something even in
the past years. You might feel exhausted for other reasons,
as this was not the easiest year for many. Memories
of the past and the present are all valid reasons
to feel somewhat down. Expectations of togetherness and harmony, being

(16:14):
loved and supported, and celebrating can leave many people feeling
disappointed or sad, or even lonely. I would tell you
that instead of pretending to be happy every moment, because
in reality no one is, allow yourself to feel any
negative feelings you have and to process them. Another helpful

(16:38):
technique at this time of year is to find, in
fact a positive activity. Think about something that you would
genuinely enjoy doing over the holidays, like do you want
to make a paperhand turkey like when you were a kid?
Do it? Do you want to cook your family's apple
pie because it does have some nice memories for you?

(17:00):
Then lean into that and bring with it the big
joys and the small joys. Reaching the end of a
year can be hard, especially after a rocky year when
there's no telling what the next one will bring. It's
not strange to be burnt out as the holiday's approach,

(17:21):
especially when navigating what's celebrating will look like. While you
may be inclined to go along with what other people
expect of you for the holidays, ignoring your mental health
needs is really not a good idea, and forced interaction
with people that you find toxic, even if their family members,
is also not the best idea. And an increase in alcohol,

(17:46):
which many of us do at this time of year
with holiday parties and whatnot, can actually increase feelings of depression.
So think about who you'd really like to spend time
with over the holidays, even if that's a virtually and
what would make you feel better. The word self care,

(18:06):
I realize, is a bit general. There are many science
back ways, however, to improve your mental health, even things
like listening to upbeat music, sitting with a good book,
redecorating some space you live in to feel fresh for
the new year. Whatever you choose, try to choose something

(18:26):
that you think will make you feel better. Many people
did not have the year they expected, and many people
did not achieve everything they set out to last January.
It's normal to feel self conscious or to review or
even regret certain things over the course of the year,

(18:48):
pressure to spend too much, fears of disappointing others, feeling
competitive or like a failure. Those are all feelings that
often come up at the holidays and when you're with family.
Sometimes we regressed to earlier versions of ourselves around that
family of origin. So know that you can keep your boundaries.

(19:14):
When family members ask, hey, why are you not in
a relationship, or why didn't you get that promotion or
some other frustrating question, remember you did the best you
could and you do not have to engage in this
conversation if it is unpleasant for you. In another area,

(19:35):
money which is a big stressor and has a negative
effect on mood. If it's really a stressor, the negative
association with consumerism around the holidays can really fuel a
lot of financial stress. Some people cannot afford to buy
loved one's gifts. They may have lost their job, they

(19:55):
may be in debt, and it can trigger feelings of
helplessness and guilt. So really think about a reasonable spending
cap with anybody that you plan to exchange a gift with,
or better yet, talk to them about not doing a
gift if it's going to stress you, and instead think

(20:16):
about making something for them, even cooking a nice meal. Lastly,
but not least, some people will be experiencing depression at
this time of year. Try to be sensitive to that.
Seasonal effective disorder, a kind of depression that particularly can

(20:36):
strike around this time of year has to do with
less light exposure and the weather, and five of adults
this year will be having that happen. In many cases,
the winter months trigger it because the cold weather sets
in and the days are short, but the holidays can

(20:56):
make it feel worse. This type of depression can make
it harder for people to cope with the holidays at
all and find joy. So if you do feel depressed,
do speak with a mental health professional because seasonal effective
disorder or any type of depression, is treatable. Light boxes,

(21:18):
specifically therapeutic light boxes can also help, but you may
benefit from psychotherapy and or medication. So if really you
find yourself depressed around the holidays, do make sure you
reach out. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet how can I help? At

(21:40):
Seneca women dot Com, Paull centers remain anonymous and listen
every Friday too. How can I help with me? Dr
Gail's Salts