February 4, 2022 • 18 mins
February 14 can turn into a popularity contest, as children compete for cards and candy—and someone’s feelings are bound to get hurt. Fortunately, Dr. Saltz has ways parents can use Valentine’s to encourage kindness and compassion in kids.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Valentine's Day has sadly
become another one of those uber commercialized holidays that seems
to have more to do with buying stuff than acknowledging
loved ones and friends. As a parent, the best thing
(00:47):
you can do to push back against this trend is
to help your child understand what the holiday actually is,
or was originally at least all about. Today, I'm answering
a listener's question related to their child and how to
handle Valentine's Day. How can you make meaning for your
(01:09):
child out of a holiday that seems to be about
romance that kids aren't ready for. Well, for starters, you
could explain that actually the origin of Valentine's Day isn't
exactly about romance. The one could see how the holiday
came to be associated with romantic relationships. St. Valentine was
(01:34):
a Christian clergy who went against the explicit order of
his ruler, who had outlawed young marriage and married people
under the Christian faith in secret. When he was caught,
he was in prison. The story goes that the daughter
of one of his jailers was a blind girl who
(01:56):
Saint Valentine chose to cure of blindness despite the actions
of her father. These origins speak to empathy, charity, kindness,
and goodness even in the face of cruelty, as well
as valuing love and marriage. These are actually wonderful lessons
(02:22):
for children. Talk to your child about how they can
celebrate this day by being kind and given to all people,
not just the ones they love the most, but even
other classmates. Besides commercialism, Valentine's Day has also degenerated in
(02:45):
school into a popularity contest who gets more cards, more candy,
or better candy. Kids can use these things too purposely
or accidentally hurt others feelings. They may think, why should
I be nice to or give a card to a
(03:06):
classmate I don't like very much? This is a great
opportunity to talk about how the world is made up
of all kinds of people, and while you don't have
to like them all, you do need to be respectful
and even kind to everyone. Ask your child to stand
(03:27):
in their classmate shoes and think about how it feels
to get no cards when others are getting many. This
is their chance to develop empathy and to experience how
good it actually feels to be truly kind and caring.
(03:48):
Making a little card for everyone in class brings into
the conversation how important it is to be inclusive and
how much there is to be gained by spreading kindness
and compassion. Then there is the inescapable sexualization of Valentine's Day. Again,
(04:10):
here is a chance to discuss the many types of
like and love that exists. Yes, there is romantic love,
but there is also friend love, sibling and parental love,
love of ideas and creative expression, love of faith, love
(04:32):
of fellow man. How our loves different and the same.
What is an appropriate expression of love or like for
one's age and the situation. Not all hugs or kisses
are created equal. In this area, discuss the importance of
(04:53):
consent when it comes to any type of touching at all.
Being able to talk about mutual respect as an essential
part of liking and loving someone, as well as self
respect will help your young one to think about how
they want to approach others and how they want others
(05:15):
to approach them. Sometimes a student may do something that
makes your child uncomfortable on Valentine's Day, likely because they
somehow thought this was okay and even perhaps thought it
was expected. Talk to your child about how to handle
(05:35):
boundary crossing, touching they don't want, and conversation that perhaps
makes them uncomfortable. There is a way too firmly and
clearly say no without being physical and without being cruel.
The classroom is a little microcosm of a community, so
(05:59):
brand's warming with your child about how to be inclusive
and kind while maintaining your own comfort and boundaries is
a great model for moving out into the world. Homemade
cards with kind words or a low key treat for everyone,
and I mean everyone spreads the word I care about
(06:24):
all of you. Here's to raising the next generation of caring,
empathetic and integrity filled adults who can make this world
a better place, not only on Valentine's Day but every day.
So with that, let's get to my listeners question and ask,
(06:47):
how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. Last year, my
eleven year old daughter came home from Valentine's Day very upset.
It seems some children gave out Valentine's cards and she
received none. It set off a few weeks of feeling
(07:09):
like she didn't want to go to school. She thought
she had no friends, maybe kids didn't like her. It
made her so sad and insecure. She actually does have
friends at school, and I don't know why she didn't
get a card. I felt terrible, but it seemed like
(07:30):
nothing I could say made her feel any better. It
seems so silly. I mean, Valentine's Day isn't even a
kid's holiday. But now that the holiday is coming up again,
she is dreading it, and truth be told, so am I.
(07:51):
I am wondering what I can do, if I can
do anything to not have a repeat of last year.
I just don't want this to set off another set
of hurts and feeling bad. She is feeling okay right
now in terms of friends and school. Do you have
any suggestions. It's not unusual for a child to over
(08:16):
read the meaning of a social slight, but it's also
unfortunately not unusual for kids to do something hurtful to
another child, either on purpose or in truth just out
of thoughtlessness. Your child may be more sensitive to the
social situation than some. The good news is that lightly
(08:41):
makes her a more empathetic, socially attuned child who can
be kind to others because she knows how it feels
to be socially hurt. With a child like this, it
is helpful to talk about the differences in people's attention
to social kindness, says and that when someone isn't socially kind,
(09:04):
it often isn't so much about you as that person.
They may be unaware, they may have had a bad
day themselves. They may feel insecure about themselves, and the
idea of reaching out to you makes them feel more vulnerable.
(09:25):
Having a means to take these types of events less
personally to heart is important for your child to take
the perspective on and discussing the incident you can help
her develop that perspective. How can I help with Dr
Gail Salts will be back after the short break, so
(09:54):
to return to the question at hand, Some situations do
lend themselves to misunder standings and set ups for feeling hurt.
I would say brave school Valentine's Day, unfortunately, is one
of them. One way to try to head this off
of the past is to call ahead to your child's
(10:15):
teacher and explain what happened last year and ask if
there is a way the teacher would feel comfortable in
evening the playing field so all the children feel equally
cared about. This could be making an announcement that if
you want to bring in Valentine's cards or notes to school,
(10:35):
that you must bring them for the entire class, or
it could be that there will be no Valentine's cards
brought in specifically to school at all. The point being
discussing that you are not trying to decide or tell
the teacher what to do, but that there was a
problem with hurt feelings due to inequity last year. You
(10:59):
would appreciate the teacher coming up with a policy that
seeks to spare the emotional feelings of all this year.
You can offer to bring in a Valentine's snack for
every single child, if that would be appreciated. Valentine's Day
for kids is a celebration of love, all types of
(11:20):
love that children feel, not adults, so they feel love
for their siblings, for their parents, friends, valued mentors, even
their pets. In this day and age of a lot
of hate being expressed, there is tremendous value in celebrating
(11:40):
and elevating one of the most positive and important motions
we can have. In celebrating love, the whole point is
not to stoke its dark side jealousy, possessiveness, obsession. Rather,
the point is to highlight its wonder joy. Kindness is generosity, caring,
(12:06):
nurturing and lasting loyal love. So help your own daughter
to brainstorm away, to be highly inclusive, to be kind
and giving. This will model the type of friend that
she wants to be, and it is likely to garner
a response in kind. Also remind her that whatever happens
(12:32):
is clearly not representative of her social standing and friendships,
as she can see from last year that it has
no bearing on her friendships in school. Lastly, surprise her
with some gesture of your own love that day. Children
this age certainly do care about their peers and what
(12:54):
they think, but they still care much more about their
family and what they think. So if you have a
flower for her in the morning or a heart shaped
pancake for breakfast, an expression of your own deep and
lifelong love for her. She will head off for the
(13:14):
day with the reminder of how deeply loved she is.
Whatever happens at school. I hope that was helpful. With
Valentine's Day approaching, consider these ideas regarding your children. First,
be clear about your own feelings about Valentine's Day. Is
(13:38):
it a holiday that's important to you? Do you expect
gifts or cards from family members? Do you give them?
How do you feel about the increasingly commercial aspect of
the holiday. Thinking this through before sets a model for
your children and will help you discuss it with them.
(13:58):
Talk with your children's teachers about their Valentine's Day policies.
If your child is expected to give Valentine's to every
child in the class, then make sure he does so.
If he or she doesn't want to do that, talk
with them about the reasons for the rule that lots
of adults remember having their feelings hurt on Valentine's Day
(14:23):
and they don't want their children or the students to
have the same bad experience. You can also suggest that
the spirit of the holiday should be one of expressing
affection towards the people in our lives. Then share your
own experiences of Valentine's Day, perhaps both the good and
the bad. Do you remember counting the Valentine's you received?
(14:47):
Do you remember noticing which children got more than you
and which children got less. Sometimes recounting your own experiences
helps your child understand their own. If your child box
giving a Valentine to a classmate that they don't like,
do listen to their feelings. Why don't they like that child?
(15:09):
Is there something going on? It might be a time
to help them with some social conflict in the classroom.
But it's unreasonable to expect your child to like everyone
in their class. However, when the rules are that the
cards are for everyone, it is important to explain to
your child whether they like that person or not, they
(15:32):
do need to comply. If your child decides not to
give Valentines at all, that's okay, don't make them do it. However,
it is important to find out why and then maybe
help them think through how they might feel if everyone
else in the class does give Valentine's and they do not,
(15:53):
so they can understand the consequences of perhaps not following through.
If you are concerned, as many of us do feel,
about the rampant commercialism, you can encourage your child to
make their Valentines. Buying gifts for classmates is something that
(16:14):
should probably be discouraged. Everybody can't do it, and everybody
shouldn't have to do it. But instead stock up on
some art supplies Bryons, markers, construction paper, paste, glitter, anything,
and make sure that your child starts early, because I
have heard of more than a few meltdowns the night
(16:35):
of February when they're trying to somehow make twenty plus
Valentines in one sitting. It's not worth it. If your
child wants to do something special for a best friend
that extends beyond just the Valentine and class, that's okay
to make a special time for them to get together
outside of school, so feelings aren't hurt for other children,
(16:58):
but it's fine to encourage their special friendship. Children and
parents often do exchange cards to emphasize their strong bonds
of love. You can initiate this to help your child
understand family love as part of the holiday if that's
where you think emphasis should be. And remember that as parents,
(17:20):
we transmit our values to our children through behavior. If
we celebrate Valentine's Day by exchanging expensive gifts, it is
likely our child will want to do the same, so
think about what you're modeling for your child. It's never
too early to help children express love and friendship in
(17:42):
ways that transcend materialism, because young children are concrete thinkers
and it's hard for them to understand a concept that
can't be represented by objects. But by watching you give
gifts kindness of your time of compare, passion, respect, and
(18:02):
thoughtfulness to the people you love, not just on the holidays,
but throughout the year, they will learn that I Love
you means so much more than three words inscribed on
a candy heart. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me yet? How can I help?
(18:23):
At Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gail's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Valentine's Day has sadly
become another one of those uber commercialized holidays that seems
to have more to do with buying stuff than acknowledging
loved ones and friends. As a parent, the best thing
(00:47):
you can do to push back against this trend is
to help your child understand what the holiday actually is,
or was originally at least all about. Today, I'm answering
a listener's question related to their child and how to
handle Valentine's Day. How can you make meaning for your
(01:09):
child out of a holiday that seems to be about
romance that kids aren't ready for. Well, for starters, you
could explain that actually the origin of Valentine's Day isn't
exactly about romance. The one could see how the holiday
came to be associated with romantic relationships. St. Valentine was
(01:34):
a Christian clergy who went against the explicit order of
his ruler, who had outlawed young marriage and married people
under the Christian faith in secret. When he was caught,
he was in prison. The story goes that the daughter
of one of his jailers was a blind girl who
(01:56):
Saint Valentine chose to cure of blindness despite the actions
of her father. These origins speak to empathy, charity, kindness,
and goodness even in the face of cruelty, as well
as valuing love and marriage. These are actually wonderful lessons
(02:22):
for children. Talk to your child about how they can
celebrate this day by being kind and given to all people,
not just the ones they love the most, but even
other classmates. Besides commercialism, Valentine's Day has also degenerated in
(02:45):
school into a popularity contest who gets more cards, more candy,
or better candy. Kids can use these things too purposely
or accidentally hurt others feelings. They may think, why should
I be nice to or give a card to a
(03:06):
classmate I don't like very much? This is a great
opportunity to talk about how the world is made up
of all kinds of people, and while you don't have
to like them all, you do need to be respectful
and even kind to everyone. Ask your child to stand
(03:27):
in their classmate shoes and think about how it feels
to get no cards when others are getting many. This
is their chance to develop empathy and to experience how
good it actually feels to be truly kind and caring.
(03:48):
Making a little card for everyone in class brings into
the conversation how important it is to be inclusive and
how much there is to be gained by spreading kindness
and compassion. Then there is the inescapable sexualization of Valentine's Day. Again,
(04:10):
here is a chance to discuss the many types of
like and love that exists. Yes, there is romantic love,
but there is also friend love, sibling and parental love,
love of ideas and creative expression, love of faith, love
(04:32):
of fellow man. How our loves different and the same.
What is an appropriate expression of love or like for
one's age and the situation. Not all hugs or kisses
are created equal. In this area, discuss the importance of
(04:53):
consent when it comes to any type of touching at all.
Being able to talk about mutual respect as an essential
part of liking and loving someone, as well as self
respect will help your young one to think about how
they want to approach others and how they want others
(05:15):
to approach them. Sometimes a student may do something that
makes your child uncomfortable on Valentine's Day, likely because they
somehow thought this was okay and even perhaps thought it
was expected. Talk to your child about how to handle
(05:35):
boundary crossing, touching they don't want, and conversation that perhaps
makes them uncomfortable. There is a way too firmly and
clearly say no without being physical and without being cruel.
The classroom is a little microcosm of a community, so
(05:59):
brand's warming with your child about how to be inclusive
and kind while maintaining your own comfort and boundaries is
a great model for moving out into the world. Homemade
cards with kind words or a low key treat for everyone,
and I mean everyone spreads the word I care about
(06:24):
all of you. Here's to raising the next generation of caring,
empathetic and integrity filled adults who can make this world
a better place, not only on Valentine's Day but every day.
So with that, let's get to my listeners question and ask,
(06:47):
how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. Last year, my
eleven year old daughter came home from Valentine's Day very upset.
It seems some children gave out Valentine's cards and she
received none. It set off a few weeks of feeling
(07:09):
like she didn't want to go to school. She thought
she had no friends, maybe kids didn't like her. It
made her so sad and insecure. She actually does have
friends at school, and I don't know why she didn't
get a card. I felt terrible, but it seemed like
(07:30):
nothing I could say made her feel any better. It
seems so silly. I mean, Valentine's Day isn't even a
kid's holiday. But now that the holiday is coming up again,
she is dreading it, and truth be told, so am I.
(07:51):
I am wondering what I can do, if I can
do anything to not have a repeat of last year.
I just don't want this to set off another set
of hurts and feeling bad. She is feeling okay right
now in terms of friends and school. Do you have
any suggestions. It's not unusual for a child to over
(08:16):
read the meaning of a social slight, but it's also
unfortunately not unusual for kids to do something hurtful to
another child, either on purpose or in truth just out
of thoughtlessness. Your child may be more sensitive to the
social situation than some. The good news is that lightly
(08:41):
makes her a more empathetic, socially attuned child who can
be kind to others because she knows how it feels
to be socially hurt. With a child like this, it
is helpful to talk about the differences in people's attention
to social kindness, says and that when someone isn't socially kind,
(09:04):
it often isn't so much about you as that person.
They may be unaware, they may have had a bad
day themselves. They may feel insecure about themselves, and the
idea of reaching out to you makes them feel more vulnerable.
(09:25):
Having a means to take these types of events less
personally to heart is important for your child to take
the perspective on and discussing the incident you can help
her develop that perspective. How can I help with Dr
Gail Salts will be back after the short break, so
(09:54):
to return to the question at hand, Some situations do
lend themselves to misunder standings and set ups for feeling hurt.
I would say brave school Valentine's Day, unfortunately, is one
of them. One way to try to head this off
of the past is to call ahead to your child's
(10:15):
teacher and explain what happened last year and ask if
there is a way the teacher would feel comfortable in
evening the playing field so all the children feel equally
cared about. This could be making an announcement that if
you want to bring in Valentine's cards or notes to school,
(10:35):
that you must bring them for the entire class, or
it could be that there will be no Valentine's cards
brought in specifically to school at all. The point being
discussing that you are not trying to decide or tell
the teacher what to do, but that there was a
problem with hurt feelings due to inequity last year. You
(10:59):
would appreciate the teacher coming up with a policy that
seeks to spare the emotional feelings of all this year.
You can offer to bring in a Valentine's snack for
every single child, if that would be appreciated. Valentine's Day
for kids is a celebration of love, all types of
(11:20):
love that children feel, not adults, so they feel love
for their siblings, for their parents, friends, valued mentors, even
their pets. In this day and age of a lot
of hate being expressed, there is tremendous value in celebrating
(11:40):
and elevating one of the most positive and important motions
we can have. In celebrating love, the whole point is
not to stoke its dark side jealousy, possessiveness, obsession. Rather,
the point is to highlight its wonder joy. Kindness is generosity, caring,
(12:06):
nurturing and lasting loyal love. So help your own daughter
to brainstorm away, to be highly inclusive, to be kind
and giving. This will model the type of friend that
she wants to be, and it is likely to garner
a response in kind. Also remind her that whatever happens
(12:32):
is clearly not representative of her social standing and friendships,
as she can see from last year that it has
no bearing on her friendships in school. Lastly, surprise her
with some gesture of your own love that day. Children
this age certainly do care about their peers and what
(12:54):
they think, but they still care much more about their
family and what they think. So if you have a
flower for her in the morning or a heart shaped
pancake for breakfast, an expression of your own deep and
lifelong love for her. She will head off for the
(13:14):
day with the reminder of how deeply loved she is.
Whatever happens at school. I hope that was helpful. With
Valentine's Day approaching, consider these ideas regarding your children. First,
be clear about your own feelings about Valentine's Day. Is
(13:38):
it a holiday that's important to you? Do you expect
gifts or cards from family members? Do you give them?
How do you feel about the increasingly commercial aspect of
the holiday. Thinking this through before sets a model for
your children and will help you discuss it with them.
(13:58):
Talk with your children's teachers about their Valentine's Day policies.
If your child is expected to give Valentine's to every
child in the class, then make sure he does so.
If he or she doesn't want to do that, talk
with them about the reasons for the rule that lots
of adults remember having their feelings hurt on Valentine's Day
(14:23):
and they don't want their children or the students to
have the same bad experience. You can also suggest that
the spirit of the holiday should be one of expressing
affection towards the people in our lives. Then share your
own experiences of Valentine's Day, perhaps both the good and
the bad. Do you remember counting the Valentine's you received?
(14:47):
Do you remember noticing which children got more than you
and which children got less. Sometimes recounting your own experiences
helps your child understand their own. If your child box
giving a Valentine to a classmate that they don't like,
do listen to their feelings. Why don't they like that child?
(15:09):
Is there something going on? It might be a time
to help them with some social conflict in the classroom.
But it's unreasonable to expect your child to like everyone
in their class. However, when the rules are that the
cards are for everyone, it is important to explain to
your child whether they like that person or not, they
(15:32):
do need to comply. If your child decides not to
give Valentines at all, that's okay, don't make them do it. However,
it is important to find out why and then maybe
help them think through how they might feel if everyone
else in the class does give Valentine's and they do not,
(15:53):
so they can understand the consequences of perhaps not following through.
If you are concerned, as many of us do feel,
about the rampant commercialism, you can encourage your child to
make their Valentines. Buying gifts for classmates is something that
(16:14):
should probably be discouraged. Everybody can't do it, and everybody
shouldn't have to do it. But instead stock up on
some art supplies Bryons, markers, construction paper, paste, glitter, anything,
and make sure that your child starts early, because I
have heard of more than a few meltdowns the night
(16:35):
of February when they're trying to somehow make twenty plus
Valentines in one sitting. It's not worth it. If your
child wants to do something special for a best friend
that extends beyond just the Valentine and class, that's okay
to make a special time for them to get together
outside of school, so feelings aren't hurt for other children,
(16:58):
but it's fine to encourage their special friendship. Children and
parents often do exchange cards to emphasize their strong bonds
of love. You can initiate this to help your child
understand family love as part of the holiday if that's
where you think emphasis should be. And remember that as parents,
(17:20):
we transmit our values to our children through behavior. If
we celebrate Valentine's Day by exchanging expensive gifts, it is
likely our child will want to do the same, so
think about what you're modeling for your child. It's never
too early to help children express love and friendship in
(17:42):
ways that transcend materialism, because young children are concrete thinkers
and it's hard for them to understand a concept that
can't be represented by objects. But by watching you give
gifts kindness of your time of compare, passion, respect, and
(18:02):
thoughtfulness to the people you love, not just on the holidays,
but throughout the year, they will learn that I Love
you means so much more than three words inscribed on
a candy heart. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me yet? How can I help?
(18:23):
At Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gail's Salts
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