September 30, 2022 • 18 mins
He can be charming and attentive most of the time, but if your partner becomes tightly controlling and undermines your sense of self-worth, it’s time to look for the exit. Dr Saltz tells a listener how to deal with an emotionally abusive boyfriend.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gale Salts. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Unfortunately, many women find
themselves in an emotionally abusive or controlling relationship for quite
some time before they are able to even figure out
what is happening. This is because the signs are very
difficult for the person being controlled to spot. The manipulator
(00:50):
will often choose someone who is susceptible to being controlled
and undermined due to their own lack of self confidence,
dependent needs, and their search for someone who will appear
to protect them, care for them, give approval, and make
them feel needed. Today, I am answering a question from
a woman who is suffering in an emotionally abusive situation.
(01:15):
Why does a partner become emotionally cruel to someone they
purportedly love. The controller's purpose is to gain power and
get what they want by undermining their partner's very sense
of who they are, thereby getting them to constantly submit.
They use tactics such as intimidation, which is using implied
(01:40):
or veiled threats about withholding their love or leaving. They
use guilt tripping, which is implying the partner is not
caring enough or is too self centered, and this works
especially well with more conscientious people. They may use shaming,
putting down, insulting, and using sarcasm to make the other
(02:04):
person feel inadequate. This way, they stay in power as
the other person weakens. They use charm. A good controller
is always seductive and knows how to be flattering at
times in order to reel their partner in and bind
her more tightly to him. And turning the table, they
(02:28):
will claim that they are in fact the victim and
are being put upon to deflect any blame or confrontation
and to further induce guilt in their partner. As you
can see, these covert methods of undermining any person's confidence
and ability to see what is really going on can
(02:48):
be very effective, so effective that signs you might see
in yourself if you are the one being controlled, are
important to know, and they are things like who am I.
This feeling that you don't really know who you are anymore.
You start to believe you're all these shameful, terrible things
(03:13):
that this person is saying, or someone maybe that you
don't even recognize. Feelings of chronic fear. For reasons you
can't quite name, you feel afraid all the time. It
is the fear that you are losing yourself and that
you are powerless. You may have fantasies of escape, whether
(03:36):
they are thoughts of fleeing the relationship, or even thoughts
that you or your partner will die so that you
will be free. These kinds of frightening thoughts may come
to you, and you might find yourself questioning reality. The
controller is so busy changing the reality of what he
(03:57):
is doing by denying, lying, rationalizing, and beating up on
you that you really no longer trust your sense of
what's really happening anywhere with anyone and isolation. Controllers work
to isolate you from anyone else in your life who
(04:17):
may support you and make their work more difficult. They
may be intensely jealous and keep you from both friends
and family, and eventually you find yourself isolated from everyone
but him and lying you will start lying to others
(04:39):
in order to collude with him that nothing is going on.
You will defend him despite your own panic, and this
will require distorting the truth to anyone that asks. This
controller has convinced you that you cannot live without him,
and because has undermined your confidence and feelings of self worth,
(05:03):
you believe it, which is why you can't seem to
break free, or you keep going back to him. When
a person first leaves the controller, they have these horrible
feelings of not knowing who they are at all, and
this terror can make them return to being the abused
(05:23):
and submissive person who thinks they will at least be
taken care of and have some identity. The role of
victim and martyr can be a draw for some women,
particularly those who have carried around guilt of their own
for some past issue that's completely unrelated. Also, women who
(05:46):
grew up in a home where their father was controlling
and abusive to their mother will often repeat the same
thing with a partner and feel that, like their mother,
somehow they deserve it. Research has shown that the consequences
of emotional abuse are just as severe as those of
physical abuse, except instead of physical marks, and bruises. Your
(06:11):
wounds are invisible to other people. They are hidden in
self doubt and feelings of worthlessness and self loathing that
you might feel. When emotional abuse is severe and ongoing,
you can lose your entire sense of self because over time,
the accusations, the verbal abuse, name calling, criticisms, and even
(06:35):
gaslight can erode your sense of self so much that
you can no longer see yourself realistically. You might begin
to agree with the abuser and become internally critical, saying
to yourself that you are trapped in this relationship, believing
that you will never be good enough for anyone else,
(06:59):
And eventually you might start to pull back from other
friendships and isolate yourself because you become convinced that no
one likes you. Emotional abuse can impact friendships because emotionally
abused people often worry about how people see them and
if they truly like them. An emotional abuse, importantly can
(07:23):
cause a number of health problems, mental health issues like depression, anxiety,
and sometimes the development of a neating disorder. Being abused
emotionally can impact you physically as well, causing you to
develop stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, and insomnia. It's very important
(07:45):
to identify when what is happening to you is emotional abuse.
So with that, right after the break, we'll get to
my listener's question. Yah, welcome back. Let's get to my
(08:09):
listeners question and see how can I help. Dear Dr Saltz.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for about six months.
For most of that time, he has been a sweetheart, attentive, loving,
and honestly has seemed really crazy about me too. I
(08:31):
found myself feeling this guy is the one. But for
the last month he has become critical, sometimes embarrassing me
in front of my friends by saying something unflattering about
me and telling me that he doesn't like, for example,
what I'm wearing or how my hair looks. It's really
(08:51):
confusing because at other times he is back to his
complimentary and loving self. I've asked him if something is
wrong me. It quickly denies anything is, but then basically
says it's just that he has noticed something about me
that is turning him off, and if I would just
fix it, all would be well. This past week, his
(09:14):
criticisms have come with a big dollar of sarcasm and
frankly condescension. Like I'm being pretty dumb or ignorant and
he knows better, so I should really just be listening
to him. I have in the past respected his opinions,
so I don't know what exactly he is talking about,
(09:35):
but it's making me feel pretty upset and sad and
honestly not too good about myself. I hate to give
up on this previously seemingly perfect guy, but I don't
know what to do. A guy that seems perfect and
then becomes unkind and controlling is not anyone's perfect guy.
(09:59):
A guy that makes you doubt yourself and feel like
something is wrong with you is a huge red flag
of a guy. That this guy is moving into emotional abuse,
and that could be just for starters. Do not get
confused that abuse of this type is not abuse just
(10:20):
because he hasn't physically harmed you. He is currently mentally
harming you, and it's confusing because it's alternating with his
original nice guy presentation, and because confusing you is part
of the manipulation. I don't know if you've ever heard
(10:40):
the quote when someone shows you who they really are,
believe them, but this is a prime example. Believe him.
He is showing you his true colors and they are abusive. First,
let me tell you what won't work arguing with the abuser.
(11:04):
Trying to argue with him can escalate the problem and
can result in violence. There is no way to argue
with an abuser because they will always find more ways
to blame, shame, or criticize you. They may also try
to turn the tables and play the victim. It also
won't work trying to understand or make excuses for him.
(11:28):
It might be tempting to try to make sense of
his behavior or to come up with excuses to justify
what he's doing, but finding ways to sympathize with or
minimize his actions can make leaving the situation not much
more difficult, and attempting to appease him also will not work.
(11:51):
It might seem like a form of de escalation, but
it tends to backfire in the long run and may
serve to further the abuse. So instead of trying to
change yourself or your behaviors to suit his whims, focus
on establishing clear boundaries and avoid engaging with these things
(12:11):
that he's presented to you if at all possible. What
you do need to do is quickly focus on all
the wonderful things about yourself and grab onto your self esteem.
Do not let this man tell you who you are.
You know who you are and it is many wonderful things.
(12:32):
Next set boundaries tell him basically, he can't speak to
you this way. It's just not permissible. And if he starts,
I would suggest leaving the room rather than having an argument.
Leaving because you won't accept it. But arguing can inflame
him and it can go very poorly. So you really
(12:55):
want to de escalate and not escalate it because s
Galatian can be dangerous. Shore up your relationships with other
important people in your life, your friends and family, because
probably at this juncture you will need to be turning
to them for support. Avoid blaming yourself for what he
(13:17):
is doing. This is not your fault, though he may
say so, and it's not your doing, and you cannot
be good enough to avoid it because that is not
what he is after realize that you cannot fix it,
and you cannot fix him. People can only fix themselves,
(13:41):
and if he doesn't want to make changes to himself,
you cannot make him do so. As a result, I
think at some point here you need to start planning
a safe exit. Sometimes abusers become enraged and desperate improve
venting you from leaving them, even emotionally abusive ones. They
(14:05):
may say they will change and be better. They may
say you won't make it without them, that no one
will love you or love you like they do. They
may even threaten you, which is why it's important to
make a safe and careful game plan. This could entail
a place to stay, not your own. This might mean
(14:27):
informing others of your situation and asking them to not
share your contact information, and sometimes, if it really escalates,
notifying law enforcement. At your stage, however, I would say
it doesn't sound like it has escalated that bar yet,
but over time, I'm telling you these situations often do,
(14:51):
so the earlier you remove yourself, the better. I am
sorry that it is really very sad for you that
this man has turned out to be quite another person
than you had imagined. But trust me when I say,
no partner is worth the devastation that emotional abuse will
inflict on your self esteem and mental health. And though
(15:14):
it is sad, you will meet another person who won't
emotionally harm you in this way. I hope that was helpful.
Some women think they can get their partner to change,
but in fact, no one changes who doesn't want to themselves.
(15:35):
Unless he can see that his behavior is destructive and
he wants to get help personally for his problems, not yours,
he will not change. He would need to address why
he feels so angrily powerless inside that he needs to
punish you into submission to feel validated. Frankly, this is
(15:57):
a long shot at best. The effects of such a
relationship can be lasting on self esteem and the ability
to be intimate and to trust other people going forward.
Lasting fears of being taken, advantage of of being hurt,
and how to give and take in a relationship can
(16:18):
take time to rebuild if you've been in an emotionally
abusive relationship. Similarly, there are lasting effects on the children
of such a couple. A child may suffer lots of
guilt that they should protect mom. They may feel guilt
at being very angry with and even wanting to hurt Dad.
(16:40):
They may have trouble trusting a relationship of their own
lader and fear losing control or being control. They may
be doomed to repeat either being a victim or a
perpetrator in the future. In order to get out of
such a relationship, a woman needs to gather supporters who
(17:02):
will help her feel safe, secure, and reinforce her ability
to take care of herself, to know who she is
and what she wants. She will need a safe haven
because when she leaves, he may try very hard to
get her back by notching up the threats. Some people
(17:24):
do become truly violent in this circumstance, and the woman
should take seriously any threat made to her or to
her loved ones. If such a threat is made, she
should go to the police and seek a place to
stay that the partner will not find her. Once a
woman has decided to end a controlling relationship, she is
(17:46):
better to have a clean break. Trying to go bit
by bit will only result in coercion and her inability
to lead. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet? How can I help? At
Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and listen
(18:08):
every Friday too. How can I help with me? Doctor
Gail's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gale Salts. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Unfortunately, many women find
themselves in an emotionally abusive or controlling relationship for quite
some time before they are able to even figure out
what is happening. This is because the signs are very
difficult for the person being controlled to spot. The manipulator
(00:50):
will often choose someone who is susceptible to being controlled
and undermined due to their own lack of self confidence,
dependent needs, and their search for someone who will appear
to protect them, care for them, give approval, and make
them feel needed. Today, I am answering a question from
a woman who is suffering in an emotionally abusive situation.
(01:15):
Why does a partner become emotionally cruel to someone they
purportedly love. The controller's purpose is to gain power and
get what they want by undermining their partner's very sense
of who they are, thereby getting them to constantly submit.
They use tactics such as intimidation, which is using implied
(01:40):
or veiled threats about withholding their love or leaving. They
use guilt tripping, which is implying the partner is not
caring enough or is too self centered, and this works
especially well with more conscientious people. They may use shaming,
putting down, insulting, and using sarcasm to make the other
(02:04):
person feel inadequate. This way, they stay in power as
the other person weakens. They use charm. A good controller
is always seductive and knows how to be flattering at
times in order to reel their partner in and bind
her more tightly to him. And turning the table, they
(02:28):
will claim that they are in fact the victim and
are being put upon to deflect any blame or confrontation
and to further induce guilt in their partner. As you
can see, these covert methods of undermining any person's confidence
and ability to see what is really going on can
(02:48):
be very effective, so effective that signs you might see
in yourself if you are the one being controlled, are
important to know, and they are things like who am I.
This feeling that you don't really know who you are anymore.
You start to believe you're all these shameful, terrible things
(03:13):
that this person is saying, or someone maybe that you
don't even recognize. Feelings of chronic fear. For reasons you
can't quite name, you feel afraid all the time. It
is the fear that you are losing yourself and that
you are powerless. You may have fantasies of escape, whether
(03:36):
they are thoughts of fleeing the relationship, or even thoughts
that you or your partner will die so that you
will be free. These kinds of frightening thoughts may come
to you, and you might find yourself questioning reality. The
controller is so busy changing the reality of what he
(03:57):
is doing by denying, lying, rationalizing, and beating up on
you that you really no longer trust your sense of
what's really happening anywhere with anyone and isolation. Controllers work
to isolate you from anyone else in your life who
(04:17):
may support you and make their work more difficult. They
may be intensely jealous and keep you from both friends
and family, and eventually you find yourself isolated from everyone
but him and lying you will start lying to others
(04:39):
in order to collude with him that nothing is going on.
You will defend him despite your own panic, and this
will require distorting the truth to anyone that asks. This
controller has convinced you that you cannot live without him,
and because has undermined your confidence and feelings of self worth,
(05:03):
you believe it, which is why you can't seem to
break free, or you keep going back to him. When
a person first leaves the controller, they have these horrible
feelings of not knowing who they are at all, and
this terror can make them return to being the abused
(05:23):
and submissive person who thinks they will at least be
taken care of and have some identity. The role of
victim and martyr can be a draw for some women,
particularly those who have carried around guilt of their own
for some past issue that's completely unrelated. Also, women who
(05:46):
grew up in a home where their father was controlling
and abusive to their mother will often repeat the same
thing with a partner and feel that, like their mother,
somehow they deserve it. Research has shown that the consequences
of emotional abuse are just as severe as those of
physical abuse, except instead of physical marks, and bruises. Your
(06:11):
wounds are invisible to other people. They are hidden in
self doubt and feelings of worthlessness and self loathing that
you might feel. When emotional abuse is severe and ongoing,
you can lose your entire sense of self because over time,
the accusations, the verbal abuse, name calling, criticisms, and even
(06:35):
gaslight can erode your sense of self so much that
you can no longer see yourself realistically. You might begin
to agree with the abuser and become internally critical, saying
to yourself that you are trapped in this relationship, believing
that you will never be good enough for anyone else,
(06:59):
And eventually you might start to pull back from other
friendships and isolate yourself because you become convinced that no
one likes you. Emotional abuse can impact friendships because emotionally
abused people often worry about how people see them and
if they truly like them. An emotional abuse, importantly can
(07:23):
cause a number of health problems, mental health issues like depression, anxiety,
and sometimes the development of a neating disorder. Being abused
emotionally can impact you physically as well, causing you to
develop stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, and insomnia. It's very important
(07:45):
to identify when what is happening to you is emotional abuse.
So with that, right after the break, we'll get to
my listener's question. Yah, welcome back. Let's get to my
(08:09):
listeners question and see how can I help. Dear Dr Saltz.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for about six months.
For most of that time, he has been a sweetheart, attentive, loving,
and honestly has seemed really crazy about me too. I
(08:31):
found myself feeling this guy is the one. But for
the last month he has become critical, sometimes embarrassing me
in front of my friends by saying something unflattering about
me and telling me that he doesn't like, for example,
what I'm wearing or how my hair looks. It's really
(08:51):
confusing because at other times he is back to his
complimentary and loving self. I've asked him if something is
wrong me. It quickly denies anything is, but then basically
says it's just that he has noticed something about me
that is turning him off, and if I would just
fix it, all would be well. This past week, his
(09:14):
criticisms have come with a big dollar of sarcasm and
frankly condescension. Like I'm being pretty dumb or ignorant and
he knows better, so I should really just be listening
to him. I have in the past respected his opinions,
so I don't know what exactly he is talking about,
(09:35):
but it's making me feel pretty upset and sad and
honestly not too good about myself. I hate to give
up on this previously seemingly perfect guy, but I don't
know what to do. A guy that seems perfect and
then becomes unkind and controlling is not anyone's perfect guy.
(09:59):
A guy that makes you doubt yourself and feel like
something is wrong with you is a huge red flag
of a guy. That this guy is moving into emotional abuse,
and that could be just for starters. Do not get
confused that abuse of this type is not abuse just
(10:20):
because he hasn't physically harmed you. He is currently mentally
harming you, and it's confusing because it's alternating with his
original nice guy presentation, and because confusing you is part
of the manipulation. I don't know if you've ever heard
(10:40):
the quote when someone shows you who they really are,
believe them, but this is a prime example. Believe him.
He is showing you his true colors and they are abusive. First,
let me tell you what won't work arguing with the abuser.
(11:04):
Trying to argue with him can escalate the problem and
can result in violence. There is no way to argue
with an abuser because they will always find more ways
to blame, shame, or criticize you. They may also try
to turn the tables and play the victim. It also
won't work trying to understand or make excuses for him.
(11:28):
It might be tempting to try to make sense of
his behavior or to come up with excuses to justify
what he's doing, but finding ways to sympathize with or
minimize his actions can make leaving the situation not much
more difficult, and attempting to appease him also will not work.
(11:51):
It might seem like a form of de escalation, but
it tends to backfire in the long run and may
serve to further the abuse. So instead of trying to
change yourself or your behaviors to suit his whims, focus
on establishing clear boundaries and avoid engaging with these things
(12:11):
that he's presented to you if at all possible. What
you do need to do is quickly focus on all
the wonderful things about yourself and grab onto your self esteem.
Do not let this man tell you who you are.
You know who you are and it is many wonderful things.
(12:32):
Next set boundaries tell him basically, he can't speak to
you this way. It's just not permissible. And if he starts,
I would suggest leaving the room rather than having an argument.
Leaving because you won't accept it. But arguing can inflame
him and it can go very poorly. So you really
(12:55):
want to de escalate and not escalate it because s
Galatian can be dangerous. Shore up your relationships with other
important people in your life, your friends and family, because
probably at this juncture you will need to be turning
to them for support. Avoid blaming yourself for what he
(13:17):
is doing. This is not your fault, though he may
say so, and it's not your doing, and you cannot
be good enough to avoid it because that is not
what he is after realize that you cannot fix it,
and you cannot fix him. People can only fix themselves,
(13:41):
and if he doesn't want to make changes to himself,
you cannot make him do so. As a result, I
think at some point here you need to start planning
a safe exit. Sometimes abusers become enraged and desperate improve
venting you from leaving them, even emotionally abusive ones. They
(14:05):
may say they will change and be better. They may
say you won't make it without them, that no one
will love you or love you like they do. They
may even threaten you, which is why it's important to
make a safe and careful game plan. This could entail
a place to stay, not your own. This might mean
(14:27):
informing others of your situation and asking them to not
share your contact information, and sometimes, if it really escalates,
notifying law enforcement. At your stage, however, I would say
it doesn't sound like it has escalated that bar yet,
but over time, I'm telling you these situations often do,
(14:51):
so the earlier you remove yourself, the better. I am
sorry that it is really very sad for you that
this man has turned out to be quite another person
than you had imagined. But trust me when I say,
no partner is worth the devastation that emotional abuse will
inflict on your self esteem and mental health. And though
(15:14):
it is sad, you will meet another person who won't
emotionally harm you in this way. I hope that was helpful.
Some women think they can get their partner to change,
but in fact, no one changes who doesn't want to themselves.
(15:35):
Unless he can see that his behavior is destructive and
he wants to get help personally for his problems, not yours,
he will not change. He would need to address why
he feels so angrily powerless inside that he needs to
punish you into submission to feel validated. Frankly, this is
(15:57):
a long shot at best. The effects of such a
relationship can be lasting on self esteem and the ability
to be intimate and to trust other people going forward.
Lasting fears of being taken, advantage of of being hurt,
and how to give and take in a relationship can
(16:18):
take time to rebuild if you've been in an emotionally
abusive relationship. Similarly, there are lasting effects on the children
of such a couple. A child may suffer lots of
guilt that they should protect mom. They may feel guilt
at being very angry with and even wanting to hurt Dad.
(16:40):
They may have trouble trusting a relationship of their own
lader and fear losing control or being control. They may
be doomed to repeat either being a victim or a
perpetrator in the future. In order to get out of
such a relationship, a woman needs to gather supporters who
(17:02):
will help her feel safe, secure, and reinforce her ability
to take care of herself, to know who she is
and what she wants. She will need a safe haven
because when she leaves, he may try very hard to
get her back by notching up the threats. Some people
(17:24):
do become truly violent in this circumstance, and the woman
should take seriously any threat made to her or to
her loved ones. If such a threat is made, she
should go to the police and seek a place to
stay that the partner will not find her. Once a
woman has decided to end a controlling relationship, she is
(17:46):
better to have a clean break. Trying to go bit
by bit will only result in coercion and her inability
to lead. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet? How can I help? At
Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and listen
(18:08):
every Friday too. How can I help with me? Doctor
Gail's Salts
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