May 14, 2021 • 13 mins
Friendships are important, but sometimes our friends can have too much influence on our actions. Dr. Saltz answers listener questions about friendships and peer pressure.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Friendships are an important
part of social life and a source of happiness. It's
a topic that comes up a lot. Friends can support you,
join you on life's travels, and influence you, consciously or
(00:47):
unconsciously in good ways and sometimes in bad. Today I'm
answering a few questions I received about how to deal
with friends who are influencing your behavior and thoughts. Everyone
knows how influential friends can be in middle school. It's
called peer pressure, and it's true that the effect of
(01:09):
peer pressure on attitudes, thoughts, and behavior rises sharply in
middle school years. For some people, peer pressure continues right
on through their high school years with the same intensity
as middle school, while for other people the influence of
peer pressure diminishes for them as they move toward adult independence.
(01:35):
But for everyone peer pressure continues to have some impact.
The interesting thing is that wherever your peer pressure O
meter ends up by the time you graduate high school
around eighteen or nineteen, is often where it remains for
adult life. In other words, high school is the time
(01:57):
one is most likely to grow into making independent decisions
and not have it be as influenced by what their
peers say or think. So almost all women are influenced
by their chosen girlfriends, their partner, colleagues, and their communities
and how they think, feel, and therefore behave. Sometimes this
(02:21):
is within their awareness, and sometimes it really isn't conscious.
There have been many studies that have found unconscious influence
from friend groups on issues that range from infidelity to
body weight, eating habits, and alcohol consumption. In this regard,
(02:42):
it may really come down to the company you keep.
When peer pressure is unconscious, like all influences of the
mind that are unconscious, it has more power to influence
your behavior. When made conscious, then you can at least
have the argument with yourself about what you think and
(03:03):
feel and actually want to do in any given situation.
Humans are geared to bond with other humans. We have
an evolutionary imperative to have and keep peers, and this
adds to the desire to fit in to feel socially acceptable.
(03:24):
This extends into actually being influenced by the other's mind.
The question becomes how much is too much? And with that,
let's turn to the first question I received for to
day and see how can I help question one? Dear
(03:45):
doctor salts, I find that I succumb to peer pressure easily,
which often means I do things I normally wouldn't or
don't want to. What should I do? You are not alone.
Many adults find themselves, in hindsight, succumbing to peer pressure
and doing things that go against their own value system,
(04:07):
their moral compass, or their comfort zone. Then they feel
guilt and regret, and this lowers their self esteem. The
lower oneself esteem, the more susceptible one is to peer pressure,
because when you feel crummy about yourself, you have more
(04:28):
insecurity that others will not like you and stay attached
to you. The fear of abandonment can increase the likelihood
you will try to keep these friends close to you
by behaving in a way you think they would approve of,
which is usually like them. The good news is you
(04:49):
are already aware that you are doing this, you are
already aware that you don't want to do the things
you are doing, so for you, this peer pressure conscious,
and that makes it more possible to change your approach. First,
you need to investigate why you feel you succumb easily
(05:10):
to peer pressure. Did you suffer with being bullied in
school as a child. That can often leave lifelong fears
of being socially hurt or ousted, which can drive you
to go along with the crowd. Are you struggling with
other sorts of personal insecurities about being liked or loved
(05:32):
about people sticking around in your life. This can come
from insecurity about something specific in you, or from past
difficulties like a parents divorce or a bad friend breakup
that left you feeling scarred. Doing some personal or professional
(05:53):
analysis to understand the root of your own insecurities can
go a long way towards making you more confident and
feeling less susceptible to peer pressure. Then purposely test your situation.
Make a concerted effort to pick a scenario that you
often see crop up, and take the risk one time
(06:16):
to purposely choose not to follow the peer pressure and
then see what happens. Think of it as an experiment.
Does your friend really leave you? Choosing to follow your
own mind is actually unlikely to cause a friendship to change,
(06:37):
but I would also say that if it does, you
have to question whether this is really the friendship you
want to hold onto. You do this by making a
plan ahead of time of what you can do when
something that has come up appears again. For example, the
next time your friends perhaps start making fun of or
(07:00):
judging someone else harshly and want you to join in
with the critique, make a plan that you will say, actually,
I think she's nice, or I think she's pretty, or
I just don't agree. Have a plan, write it out,
because otherwise, in the moment can be very hard to
(07:23):
think it up on the spot. The more you plan
your breaks with the other's influence and see and evaluate
the outcome, which is rarely as concerning as you feared
in advance, the easier and more comfortable it will become
to continue to do so. The last thing to consider
(07:45):
is who do you surround yourself with? If you are
often doing things you wish you hadn't, who are the
people you hang around with who make you feel pressured
to do that? Choosing to be with people who lift
you up, who influence you to be the best version
(08:05):
of yourself, who make you feel like yourself are the
kinds of friends who last and our relationships that enricher life.
Think about spending more time with people who make you
feel russured to do good things, healthy things, things that
you feel proud of, and consider putting more distance between
(08:29):
yourself and people who want you to race with them
to the bottom. How can I help with Dr? Gail
Salts will be back after the short break? Question two.
(08:52):
Dear Doctor Saltz, I have a close friend who drinks
a lot. They always get out of control when they drank,
and it feels like they drink so frequently that it
affects their day to day life. Am I supposed to
say something? And if so, what? If this person is
(09:13):
a close friend, then it implies you care about them.
If you care about and want the best for someone,
then watching them spiral down into an alcohol addiction is
never the way to go. I realize it can be
scary and hard to talk to someone, even someone close,
(09:35):
about their self destructive behavior, and it's also true that
they may not be willing to or yet able to
hear you. But this is not a reason not to try.
The key is to make it clear you're coming from
a place of love, care and concern. A person who
(09:59):
repeatedly drinks too much is binging. Being out of control
can have dangerous consequences, and if it is affecting their
day to day life, then it qualifies at a minimum
as alcohol abuse. Substance abuse is a disease, and without treatment,
(10:21):
it can be devastating, even deadly. Not saying anything it's
like sitting by while you watch them grow a cancer
that you can see that they're not doing anything about
and saying nothing. The time to say something is not
while they're inebriated. They certainly won't hear you. Sit down
(10:46):
somewhere quiet when everybody is sober, and tell them you
care deeply for them. Tell them you can see that
alcohol is harming them and harming their life. Tell them
you're worried about them and would like to help them,
(11:07):
be willing to help them find treatment. They can talk
to an individual therapist to deals and substance abuse. They
can go to a center that deals in substance abuse,
or to an a a meeting for a start. The
point is to help them recognize they have a worrisome
problem that is not a matter of willpower or fault.
(11:31):
It is a matter of addiction. An addiction needs treatment.
In other words, don't sound blame me, don't join in
and be part of the over drinking this model's approval. Instead,
suggest less is more and reinforce safety. Talk about the
(11:56):
confidence you have that they can get help, they can
rein it back and be healthier and happier. You may
be saving their life. I hope that was helpful. Peer
pressure doesn't only increase negative behavior, it can also influence
others to have positive behaviors. Hanging out with peers who
(12:19):
push you to make difficult but healthy choices to be
morally upstanding even when it's hard or doesn't benefit you,
those sorts of pressures can also be peer pressures. That's
why surrounding yourself with others who influence you in ways
that aren't always easy but in the end are good,
(12:41):
can be great life choices, And in turn, you can
also influence those around you that you care for to
operate with integrity, to make healthy choices, to be kinder,
to be better, not by moralizing to them, but by
the subtle and lens of taking pleasure and doing those
(13:02):
things yourself and inviting them to join you for the ride.
Do you have a problem I can help with. If so,
email me at how can I help? At Seneca women
dot com. All senders remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Doctor Gale Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Friendships are an important
part of social life and a source of happiness. It's
a topic that comes up a lot. Friends can support you,
join you on life's travels, and influence you, consciously or
(00:47):
unconsciously in good ways and sometimes in bad. Today I'm
answering a few questions I received about how to deal
with friends who are influencing your behavior and thoughts. Everyone
knows how influential friends can be in middle school. It's
called peer pressure, and it's true that the effect of
(01:09):
peer pressure on attitudes, thoughts, and behavior rises sharply in
middle school years. For some people, peer pressure continues right
on through their high school years with the same intensity
as middle school, while for other people the influence of
peer pressure diminishes for them as they move toward adult independence.
(01:35):
But for everyone peer pressure continues to have some impact.
The interesting thing is that wherever your peer pressure O
meter ends up by the time you graduate high school
around eighteen or nineteen, is often where it remains for
adult life. In other words, high school is the time
(01:57):
one is most likely to grow into making independent decisions
and not have it be as influenced by what their
peers say or think. So almost all women are influenced
by their chosen girlfriends, their partner, colleagues, and their communities
and how they think, feel, and therefore behave. Sometimes this
(02:21):
is within their awareness, and sometimes it really isn't conscious.
There have been many studies that have found unconscious influence
from friend groups on issues that range from infidelity to
body weight, eating habits, and alcohol consumption. In this regard,
(02:42):
it may really come down to the company you keep.
When peer pressure is unconscious, like all influences of the
mind that are unconscious, it has more power to influence
your behavior. When made conscious, then you can at least
have the argument with yourself about what you think and
(03:03):
feel and actually want to do in any given situation.
Humans are geared to bond with other humans. We have
an evolutionary imperative to have and keep peers, and this
adds to the desire to fit in to feel socially acceptable.
(03:24):
This extends into actually being influenced by the other's mind.
The question becomes how much is too much? And with that,
let's turn to the first question I received for to
day and see how can I help question one? Dear
(03:45):
doctor salts, I find that I succumb to peer pressure easily,
which often means I do things I normally wouldn't or
don't want to. What should I do? You are not alone.
Many adults find themselves, in hindsight, succumbing to peer pressure
and doing things that go against their own value system,
(04:07):
their moral compass, or their comfort zone. Then they feel
guilt and regret, and this lowers their self esteem. The
lower oneself esteem, the more susceptible one is to peer pressure,
because when you feel crummy about yourself, you have more
(04:28):
insecurity that others will not like you and stay attached
to you. The fear of abandonment can increase the likelihood
you will try to keep these friends close to you
by behaving in a way you think they would approve of,
which is usually like them. The good news is you
(04:49):
are already aware that you are doing this, you are
already aware that you don't want to do the things
you are doing, so for you, this peer pressure conscious,
and that makes it more possible to change your approach. First,
you need to investigate why you feel you succumb easily
(05:10):
to peer pressure. Did you suffer with being bullied in
school as a child. That can often leave lifelong fears
of being socially hurt or ousted, which can drive you
to go along with the crowd. Are you struggling with
other sorts of personal insecurities about being liked or loved
(05:32):
about people sticking around in your life. This can come
from insecurity about something specific in you, or from past
difficulties like a parents divorce or a bad friend breakup
that left you feeling scarred. Doing some personal or professional
(05:53):
analysis to understand the root of your own insecurities can
go a long way towards making you more confident and
feeling less susceptible to peer pressure. Then purposely test your situation.
Make a concerted effort to pick a scenario that you
often see crop up, and take the risk one time
(06:16):
to purposely choose not to follow the peer pressure and
then see what happens. Think of it as an experiment.
Does your friend really leave you? Choosing to follow your
own mind is actually unlikely to cause a friendship to change,
(06:37):
but I would also say that if it does, you
have to question whether this is really the friendship you
want to hold onto. You do this by making a
plan ahead of time of what you can do when
something that has come up appears again. For example, the
next time your friends perhaps start making fun of or
(07:00):
judging someone else harshly and want you to join in
with the critique, make a plan that you will say, actually,
I think she's nice, or I think she's pretty, or
I just don't agree. Have a plan, write it out,
because otherwise, in the moment can be very hard to
(07:23):
think it up on the spot. The more you plan
your breaks with the other's influence and see and evaluate
the outcome, which is rarely as concerning as you feared
in advance, the easier and more comfortable it will become
to continue to do so. The last thing to consider
(07:45):
is who do you surround yourself with? If you are
often doing things you wish you hadn't, who are the
people you hang around with who make you feel pressured
to do that? Choosing to be with people who lift
you up, who influence you to be the best version
(08:05):
of yourself, who make you feel like yourself are the
kinds of friends who last and our relationships that enricher life.
Think about spending more time with people who make you
feel russured to do good things, healthy things, things that
you feel proud of, and consider putting more distance between
(08:29):
yourself and people who want you to race with them
to the bottom. How can I help with Dr? Gail
Salts will be back after the short break? Question two.
(08:52):
Dear Doctor Saltz, I have a close friend who drinks
a lot. They always get out of control when they drank,
and it feels like they drink so frequently that it
affects their day to day life. Am I supposed to
say something? And if so, what? If this person is
(09:13):
a close friend, then it implies you care about them.
If you care about and want the best for someone,
then watching them spiral down into an alcohol addiction is
never the way to go. I realize it can be
scary and hard to talk to someone, even someone close,
(09:35):
about their self destructive behavior, and it's also true that
they may not be willing to or yet able to
hear you. But this is not a reason not to try.
The key is to make it clear you're coming from
a place of love, care and concern. A person who
(09:59):
repeatedly drinks too much is binging. Being out of control
can have dangerous consequences, and if it is affecting their
day to day life, then it qualifies at a minimum
as alcohol abuse. Substance abuse is a disease, and without treatment,
(10:21):
it can be devastating, even deadly. Not saying anything it's
like sitting by while you watch them grow a cancer
that you can see that they're not doing anything about
and saying nothing. The time to say something is not
while they're inebriated. They certainly won't hear you. Sit down
(10:46):
somewhere quiet when everybody is sober, and tell them you
care deeply for them. Tell them you can see that
alcohol is harming them and harming their life. Tell them
you're worried about them and would like to help them,
(11:07):
be willing to help them find treatment. They can talk
to an individual therapist to deals and substance abuse. They
can go to a center that deals in substance abuse,
or to an a a meeting for a start. The
point is to help them recognize they have a worrisome
problem that is not a matter of willpower or fault.
(11:31):
It is a matter of addiction. An addiction needs treatment.
In other words, don't sound blame me, don't join in
and be part of the over drinking this model's approval. Instead,
suggest less is more and reinforce safety. Talk about the
(11:56):
confidence you have that they can get help, they can
rein it back and be healthier and happier. You may
be saving their life. I hope that was helpful. Peer
pressure doesn't only increase negative behavior, it can also influence
others to have positive behaviors. Hanging out with peers who
(12:19):
push you to make difficult but healthy choices to be
morally upstanding even when it's hard or doesn't benefit you,
those sorts of pressures can also be peer pressures. That's
why surrounding yourself with others who influence you in ways
that aren't always easy but in the end are good,
(12:41):
can be great life choices, And in turn, you can
also influence those around you that you care for to
operate with integrity, to make healthy choices, to be kinder,
to be better, not by moralizing to them, but by
the subtle and lens of taking pleasure and doing those
(13:02):
things yourself and inviting them to join you for the ride.
Do you have a problem I can help with. If so,
email me at how can I help? At Seneca women
dot com. All senders remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Doctor Gale Salts
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