Don't Worry, Be Happy

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We're here to help. We put together a panel of experts and, as always, we want you to know How Men Think.

Let's ease your anxiety, calm your financial concerns, and improve your physical and mental state.

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is How Men Think with broths Like and Gavin
de Grab and I Hear Radio Podcasts. Welcome to another
episode of How Men Think. My name is brooks Like,
and I'm super excited about today's episode because we are
going to help all of our listeners. Everybody is going
through so much. The state of the world, the state
of the universe right now is very heavy, very stagnant.

(00:23):
There's just so much uncertainty in the world. And we
have done a pole of our community. We've done a
poll of the women listeners of the How Men Think community,
and we found out the top five things that our
community is struggling with. And we have four very special
guests that will be bringing on today to address these
five areas. The five areas that we have pulled in

(00:46):
our community that women are struggling with and most worried
about right now are number one health, love and family.
Number two trying to find normalcy and a routine during
this pandemic. Number three mental health, stress and anxiety, Number
four what does the future look like? And number five finances.

(01:07):
So we have four brilliant and very intelligent, very successful
women coming on the show today to help us answer
these questions. And help us through the struggle that we
are currently going through. So without further ado, we have
our first two guests joining us right now. Our first
guest is a possibilitarian and board certified coach. She helps

(01:28):
leaders create workspaces that solve the world's biggest problems. She
believes that by centering well being, connection, and self awareness,
we can create the conditions for everyone to succeed. She's
currently the resident well Being coach at YouTube. She's worked
with women at Google for over ten years and is
the founder of the Luminaries. She gives leaders and organizations

(01:49):
the tools to become their highest selves, go after everything
they've ever wanted, and work together like never before. Charie Heally,
welcome back to the show to be here. You saved
all of us last time you're on the show. You
fixed all of our problems. They so good Ryan, we

(02:12):
need Brian's like I need to be on that show.
Ryan's not with us today. But I think you saved
Ryan's life. It's the only reason he's continued on. But Sueri,
thank you so much for being here. Absolutely, thanks for
having me books welcome. Yes, We're glad to have you.
Our second guest right here is a clinical Associate Professor
of psychiatry with the New York Presbyterian Hospital and a

(02:35):
psychoanalyst at the New York Psychoanalytic Institute. She's best known
for her work as a relationship, family, emotional well being,
and mental health and wellness contributor in the media, where
she frequently shares her expertise on the mental health aspects
of current issues and news. She's a best selling author
of numerous books, including her most recent, The Power of

(02:57):
Different The Link Between Disorder and Genius. She's also the
host of the Personalogy podcast with My Heart Radio Dr
Gayl Salts. Welcome to the show. Thanks so much for
having me. It's really great to be with you. I'm
so excited to dive into all of these topics with
you ladies and get your expertise, because I don't know
if we could have ever found two more qualified people

(03:18):
to speak on these topics. So once again I'll review
for you guys and for our listeners the top five
things that our female listeners are struggling with right now. Health,
love and family, trying to find a routine and normalcy
in the pandemic, mental health, stress and anxiety, the future

(03:41):
and finances, and so I want to lead with you, Shari,
what are you finding Are you finding that to be
a common thread with your clients? What are you finding
most of your clients are struggling with the most right now? Yeah,
I mean most of the women that I work with.
I work with men too, but the women are the
big focus today and they are juggling like crazy, trying

(04:04):
to show up to work, two kids, to relationship demands
and themselves and their selves are last. You know, it's
there there putting themselves on the back burner for all
the reasons to uphold everybody else's well being. And I
think that's what I work on a lot with them,
is saying, the more you want to give, the more

(04:25):
you need. And if they're going to go out there
and try to help everybody else and still crush it
at work and be great parents and all of it,
that they have to center well being and their own
mental health as a gift to Yeah. It's such a
selfless act, right, It's such a selfless act to to

(04:46):
poor love into your family, to poor love into your partner.
You know, you have to show up in in the
work environment as well. That a lot of oftentimes I
think of myself as well, Like even guys, I think
as well, we'll put ourselves last and then and then
what's then It ends up not being sustainable. It ends
up we end up crashing, We end up um, you

(05:06):
know what. Depression can come from that because you're not
personally happy and fulfilled. It's very it's a very difficult
time for a lot of people. And I don't have
kids right now, so I don't know what you know.
I can't I can't have the understanding of what a
parent is going through trying to juggle kids, juggle the relationship,
like you said, juggle work, and then also make yourself

(05:29):
happy in a really unique and chaotic time. Yeah. Yeah,
And I think that we feel guilty if we're happy.
Now that's another thing. It's like if I am doing okay,
Holy cow, that's not fair because so many people are
really struggling. So there's almost you know what we're doing
some mental health campaigns at YouTube and even with my

(05:52):
kids is is people are are almost wearing their mental
health challenges to be in belonging, you know, to to say, oh,
I'm I'm not doing okay either, you know where I
actually think the people who are okay right now. We
need you, you know, we need we need joy, and

(06:15):
we need laughter, and we need centered joy so that
you know we're all going to make it through this.
I think we're in the marathon. You know. I agree
with you, Sharie. I think now more than ever, the
world needs inspiration. Yeah, And I see, I have a
lot of friends that are struggling during the pandemic, and
I have a lot of friends that are actually really

(06:37):
thriving during the pandemic. And it seems that my friends
that are thriving during it have become very shy to
share their current state of well being because they don't
want to, like they don't want to put it in
front of anybody's face or like make other feels other
people feel less than um. But I'm like, please share it.
The world needs that inspiration now more than ever. Gailice

(07:01):
in the same sort of thing, like across the mental
health order, you seeing struggle and thriving. Yes, it's fair
to say, but I would say, obviously, as a psychiatrist
and psychoanalysts, I am seeing more struggle because I am
you know that that's my job, and so I'm seeing,
you know, returned of patients that had been doing well

(07:22):
and are relapsing. UM. I'm seeing new patients obviously that
people who had not previously seemed to need mental health
care need it. UM. I could tell you that surveys
across the board Psychiatric Association being national institutent mental health UM,

(07:43):
there's really an explosion of mental health need in anxiety
disorders and depressive disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, relapsing people
in terms of addiction, and real concerns that there may
be arise in suicide's. UM will be reflect back on
this time. UH, concerns about rising mental health issues and

(08:05):
health professionals a group that rarely gets mental health care
because they kind of feel like they're not supposed to,
but they've been on the front lines of this pandemic
and the stress, the burnout, the feelings of helplessness have
really affected health professionals. UM. So I would say, you know,

(08:27):
I'm I'm very heavily taxed, as are my peers. In
really trying to help people to do two things. UM.
One is to think about and incorporate into your life
preventive mental health care. So we can talk about what
those things are. But you know, people think all the
time about preventive care. Right, you go to the doctor

(08:49):
once a year to have check up, see if you
have diabetes, or or see if you're heading that direction,
or your blood pressure is rising, if you need some
cardiac here to prevent certain diseases from happening. But we
never think about that with mental health care, and we
should be because people can definitely be doing things things
that are are not difficult to incorporate into your life.

(09:10):
We can talking about aerobic exercise for thirty minutes a
day multiple times, to be talking about a deep breathing,
the practice of mindfulness or meditation, um muscle relaxation, us
of visual imagery, all kinds of things that people can
do to help stave off and and actually build a
toolbox of hoping tools a few and more resilient in

(09:31):
this time. Because really, even though I could tell you, okay,
I'm not seeing as many people feel great. So I
want people to understand you don't feel great. That's that's
pretty normal right now, and that's okay, you can accept that.
But I do think that we're going to see a
lot of people afterwards build resilience and feel in some
ways is stronger and more able than they did before.

(09:56):
I actually very much agree with you on that. Um.
In my life as an athlete, I've learned a lot
about resilience. And we used to say as an athlete,
where you once blister, you will callous. And I think
that's what it's going to happen to people right now,
is they're they're blistering in certain areas, but like you said,
they're going to be stronger in the future because of it. Um.
And we also used to say, announce of prevention is

(10:17):
worth a pound of cure. And but you're right, like
I've never I've never thought of it in terms of
mental health preventative care. So can you walk us through
what some of those things specifically might be where somebody
can be proactive to defend against the onset of any

(10:39):
sort of mental health anxiety or illness or trauma upcoming.
So the two the two most common arenas I think
of concern are various anxiety issues which people are experiencing
and various depressive issues which people are experiencing. And um,
so things like I said, aerubic exercise eyes really getting

(11:00):
your heart rate up for thirty minutes a day, multiple
times a week, has been shown to actually go head
to head with medication from mild to moderate depression. Clinical
depression definitely reduces anxiety. UM definitely reduced the stress level,
so that that is that is a no brainer UM
doing something taking five minutes in the morning and five

(11:21):
minutes in the day to do something like UM. Deep
abdominal breathing, which is breathing into your nose to account
of five and out to account of seven. This pattern
kind of breathing which it first would feel weird and
be uncomfortable, and you want to start by doing it
lying down, since you can put your hand over your
abdomen and have that part of your lower chest essentially

(11:46):
for the inhale because you want you want your lungs
to fill deeply. That kind of pattern breathing actually has
been shown to really reduce physiologic anxiety, which actually then
reduced the anxiety in your mind. Similarly, deep muscle relaxation,
which is squeezing muscle groups starting with your toes and
eventually moving all the way up to your face to

(12:07):
account of five as tight as you can, and then
relaxing it slowly to account of five, again reducing physiological anxiety.
Social support super important do you have people that you
have in your life that you can really talk with
about how you're really feeling. Not the you know, they
I gotta put on a good face for you kind

(12:28):
of friends, but like really people that you can be
intimate with and really talk. UM. Journaling is very helpful
for some people to really write down their feelings and
even take their temperature every day to objectively see, like
on a scale one to ten, how is my new today?
Like is it am I really having a hard time?
Or actually I reflect back not so much, which gives

(12:49):
you perspective. Um. These kinds of things built in really help. UM.
But I would also tell people that if they are
finding that they're their mood or their anxiety level is
interfering with their ability to function day to day at all,
interrupting sleep, appetite, no libido, really highly irritable or highly hopeless,

(13:11):
and you can't really function you in your usual way, um,
even when you make effort, then it might be time
to you know, just check in with a therapist and
have an evaluation. Yeah. I also think people who are
you know how in our friend groups there's like the
person who usually is the support person for everybody you

(13:32):
know one final column, the next frontal column, and they
support everybody. I think those people also, I want to
if you're one of those people in your friend group,
I want to encourage you to reach out to people
as well. I know people in my life who are
very supportive of many people, and then they're like, man,
can somebody just ask me how I'm doing instead of
dumping all of their issues on me. Um So, but

(13:54):
you need to be open and honest and share your
I'm a very strong guy as well. I can handle
a lot of stuff as well, but I've learned as
well I need to reach out to ask for help.
I need, you know, because my friends are struggling to
or or maybe they're doing great or but like it,
It's very easy for people to somewhat miss you. There's
a lot going on in the world, a lot going

(14:15):
on in our lives, and I want to encourage people
to voice if they have issues, voice it to friends,
raise it with friends, and it's amazing when you do,
your friends will line up to help you as much
as they possibly can. Tree what what can you what

(14:38):
advice can you give to our listeners right now about
um about struggling with family, love, and and that kind
of structure. So kids, let's separate it into kids, and
then let's start with relationship. People that are struggling with relationship.
You're gonna advice that you can give to support people
struggling with relationship. Yeah, I mean, I think Gail would agree.

(15:00):
She's probably seeing it in her practice to that relationships
are taking a heavy hit right now. You know, we're
quarantining with people were all up in each other's business
more than ever, and I think there's some blessings in that,
but it's been it's been hard on relationships. I think
we've heard predictions that divorce rates are going to rise
during this moment in time, Domestic violence is up, and

(15:22):
I think for women in particular, we go to fear.
You know, it's so easy to go to fear right
now and feel disconnection. I think connection is our number
one need. It's how we survive through relationship. It's also
like the number one indicator of job satisfaction or deep
and meaningful relationships. So um talk about relationships at home

(15:44):
and at work, because at home, I think communication is
everything right now, like you know, channel a little burn
a brown and being super vulnerable and honest about what
you need and how you're feeling and where where you're hurting.
You know, there's there's a lot of a lot that

(16:06):
I work on with people in this realm because I
don't think we really have these communication structures and these tools.
We didn't learn them in school. But to baseline start,
it's just being really real, setting aside time to be
honest about how you're feeling, and sharing fears because I
know one of my greatest teachers is saying over and
over and over again, um, do not let fear be

(16:28):
your guide. It's the opposite of love. And women, I
think when we're in our full feminine power, we are love.
We are the pure vessels of love. And I think
we look outside of ourselves when we're in fear to
get it and if we could remember that we're the
source of it and to do everything that might nurture

(16:48):
love flowing through our own bodies, and that starts with ourselves,
which is I see a lot of women being phenomenally
hard on themselves right now because they just feel like
they can't do anything well. And so to start really
with the practices, a lot of what Gail said, I
would have totally underscored and plus one, um, really looking
at what are the conditions that I require as a

(17:11):
woman right now to do my best? What are the
conditions so at work? If people are loading up workloads
on me and I I've got workstreams glore and I
can't ask for help that I will underscore both of
you saying that that you have to learn how to
say I actually can't do all this, and delegate and

(17:33):
learn how to be real with your boss and ask
for If I'm going to say yes to something, I've
got to say no to other things, or say no
to what something's asking somebody's asking for to say yes
to other things and be real about it. A lot
of these companies that I work with are very you know,
we've been trained to be so utterly polite and achieving

(17:56):
and good and all of this, and it precludes the
humanity that I think we all need to give ourselves
right now. It's amazing. Yeah, and UM, further to that,
when when I think about that, when you're speaking there,
the thing that I'm listening to or the thing that's
going on in my mind is when I start to
feel anxious or have stress about something. The initial reason

(18:17):
and cause for that is feeling overwhelmed. Yeah, I feel
overwhelmed and like I gotta do this, I gotta do this,
get this. I should have said no to something and
then and then I have anxiety and stress. Um, Gail,
how do we how do we say no? How do
we learn to say no? How do we lower that
overwhelmed feeling? A lot of people are feeling overwhelmed with
many things, like you said, job, kids, relationship, the upcoming election,

(18:42):
the future, this how long is this going? Like? How
do we how do we stop from feeling so overwhelmed? Well,
a big part right now of people feeling overwhelmed has
to do with uncertainty. Right, we need to not know
when this will end, if this will end, and um,
we you know, on it on a on a global level, right,

(19:04):
and so it seems like things keep coming and we
don't know how they'll get resolved, if they'll end, and
we on a day to day level, there's that creates
all kinds of uncertainty. You know, people usually feel calmer
and structure of some sort, and so to have this
level of constant uncertainty is driving tremendous amount of anxiety

(19:29):
and then the other feeling you sort of described was
was the stress of burnout, which is taking on and
taking on um and and and for women, the numbers
that recently come out is, you know, women are basically
working a seventy hour work week because they're the primary
caretakers usually of the kids, and so they're everybody's at home.

(19:52):
You know, everybody's working from home. So they're they're working,
they're working the house, they're working the kids, and they
have a seven hour work week to to to uh
their partners fift year work week. So you know, there
there is like a tremendous amount of burnout and um,
as Sheeri was was pouring out, like we feel like
we're supposed to we're we're supposed to be. You know,

(20:16):
we're really a good woman. We're gonna we're gonna say
yes to everything and do everything. And you know, so
as you so you're saying, you keep so two things
I think have to happen. One is how can you
learn to live with and accept a degree of uncertainty.
It's not something that we usually consciously think a lot about,

(20:37):
but it is something in this instance I'm saying would
really be helpful to you to think about. Um, you know,
we basically say, what am I anxious about? It's a
that's a that's an appropriate danger signal for things going on.
Let me do my problem solving in relation to that.
And once I've done whatever concrete problem solving I can do,
any anxiety left over is just refloat uncertainty anxiety, and

(21:03):
I have to just let it be. I can't attack it,
I can't send it off, and just kind of it's
gonna float there. I don't have to react to it.
I have to know that there's not a thing to do.
It just is. And I know that sounds kind of weird,
but it's something that you actually have the practice, and
the more you practice it, actually the more the anxiety
receives because it's the mental if the brand's fight with

(21:26):
this anxiety about uncertainty, that drives anxiety up. And in
terms of burnout, what we know from all kinds of
studies about burnout and care give a burnout, that it happens,
it's bad for your mind, it's bad for your body.
It raises your cortisol level, which which creates a lot
of different kinds of health issues. So it is vitally

(21:46):
important that if you are the caregiver of everything that
you simply offload it. You've got to say no to
some word things You've got to say, you know, to
your partner, I need you to take this and this
and this or mom, this is going on. Would you
be able to do this in this or hey, friend,
can meet as a community, say today we in my backyard,

(22:09):
and tomorrow be in your backyard and we'll take you.
There are ways to sort of brainstorm around bringing people
in to offload some of the stuff. In addition to
the saying no, which is hard, as she's pointing out,
women tend to often feel guilty. I'm not supposed to
and you just have to like get with yourself and

(22:30):
say you are not helping anybody. If your well is dry,
there is no water for anyone, So you have to
set some of it from an empty Yeah, so you
have some well. I could just even add on to
what Gail just said about handling uncertainty. It's so true,
they say, to people who can handle a lot of

(22:50):
uncertainty do the best in life. And the way to
also counterbalance it is to get enough certainty. So dial
in on what would make you feel safe, what make
you feel in control? You know, a good plan. I
always get asked for like what's my plan, you know,
or really tending to the finances, Like that's another fear

(23:10):
for a lot of women. So get a great advice
person on your team, somebody who's in that realm to say,
take care of me, tell me what I should be
doing right now. You know, anything that would give you safety, comfort,
pleasure to balance out the uncertainty will be huge. I think, yeah,
I think that. I think all of those are really important. Safety, comfort,

(23:33):
and I love the last one you said was pleasure.
But because I think a lot of people right now
are overlooking that element of life. It's become a struggle
and a survive atmosphere versus like an adapt and thrive atmosphere.
So like people are like, oh, I'm locked in my house,
Well you're not locked in your house. Your your front

(23:54):
door still opens. Like in l A. Everybody feels so
contained in l A. But the Angelos nash Old Forest
is only thirty minutes outside of l A. You can
go for a hype nature. You know, like life is changing,
it's very different than it was before. But with that
brings different opportunities. I've also had lots of friends that

(24:14):
have said, I've ever havill of connection with my family
and my kids. The things I've get to see that
i'd be around my kids so much, It's been absolutely amazing.
It's been a blessing to me. It's reinvigorated my family
life versus getting so focused on career. Um, yeah, what
do you see? We really have a couple of minutes left.
But what do you think what do you see as
some long lasting effects of this quarantine slash COVID time. Well,

(24:40):
I think people are going to realize that they are
made of stronger stuff than they realized in some ways, right, Um,
and uh they that I think maybe people are building
coping tools to last down Um, that they can't take
for granted. A lot of the things in life and
in the world that we have, that we that you have,

(25:00):
and many people who are reorienting their priorities like what really,
Oh gosh, this makes me think what really matters to me?
This relationship really matters. I mean, you're this you know,
whatever it is, And and that's not a bad thing
because sometimes you know, when you walk around feeling kind
of invincible and kind of like life's forever, and you know,
this has made us sort of pulled us up short

(25:21):
and said, oh, maybe those things aren't true and um,
and that's and that changes priorities. And I also want
to make a pitch for in terms of improving mood
by the way, um, the importance of relating into what
you said, gratitude as a practice, um that even if
things are difficult, there's almost always something you can think

(25:41):
of during the day which you do feel grateful a person,
a cup of coffee, but like almost and and making
a mental note in me those each day for several
weeks actually will boost mood and reduced anxiety and giving back.
So yeah, you can go out and have pleasurable and

(26:02):
actually a greadurable thing to do is to brandstorm away
to be giving, giving to people around you, or giving
on a community level. And those things are very tied
to mental health as well well. Um, and they are
often very pleasurable in in kind of unique way. Gratitude
is a massive one. UM. A while back I did

(26:24):
the four kind of values of my life, four Pillars
of my life and gratitude um of of happiness and
what a full life looks like for me, and gratitude
was one of those and I noticed that when I
started getting into sort of a grumpy, grouchy mood, the
first pillar of my life that started to fall away
was gratitude. As soon as gratitude started falling away, I

(26:47):
started it was like what I didn't have? What was
going wrong? What was And I was like, Wow, that's
actually a lack of gratitude is actually leading to my
my disrupted state, a less than peak state. And uh,
it's actually during COVID time, it's actually brought prayer back
into my life a lot. I pray three times a day.
I pray before every meal. Um. I used to pray

(27:09):
just at supper time, but now I pray before every meal,
and I just say whatever comes out. Thankful for my dog,
Thankful for this beautiful park that I'm able to take
him to. Thankful for the opportunity to have a conversation
with you ladies today. And I just say things that
I don't I don't plan, I don't have a specific
prayer that I say, just you know, thank you for
this food, thank you for the hands that prepared to
um all this kind of stuff. And it's just warms

(27:31):
my heart and it's actually been something I look forward
to when I sit down for every single meal to
say a prayer and see what comes out. It's really
helped me immensely. Um Shree, do you have any other
advice for our community, for the ladies of our community,
of the listeners of our community, help them struggle. Yeah,
And what you just said is so huge because that's
the antidote to fear Brooks, Like, you know, practicing gratitude

(27:55):
just means that fear can't really be present and you
are actually elevating your state of being higher than where
where the world is pulling us down to, you know,
So that's another act of control and personal freedom, you know,
to do that. I think my big focus with people

(28:17):
right now is anchoring them and orienting them to what
is going on? Where where am I in this crazy
scene because everybody feels a little lost at see, you know,
in the waves keep crashing, And I think that this
is just my understanding having studied so much with scholars

(28:38):
and stages, and this this time that we're in was
predicted thousands of years ago. It's we're like right on schedule.
And everybody wants to say it's the apocalypse and and
it is in a way, but it's not what we
have been sold through all the movies. It's an ending
of things as we know it, which I think could
be the greatest thing that ever happened to us. And

(29:01):
if you center into that storyline, you know that I'm
a part of a changing of history of a new era. Maybe.
I know. Zach Bush, who I love, says, if you
were born right now for this, you have a big purpose.
And I'm always zooming people out to remember what's the
bigger picture, Like, yeah, our finances, are relationships, are health,

(29:23):
everything is like crazy, But what's the really big thing
going on? And how can I remember that? That's that
helps you say? No, you know that helps you say like,
actually I want to tell my grandkids a different story
about what what I did in this time. Yeah, amazing. Um, Gail,
anything to add to that. I'm gonna let you ladies
go here in a second. Anything to add to that.

(29:44):
The best advice you could leave our listeners with, Um,
everybody needs self care. And I think, um, you know
this this time because it is a particularly stressful and
difficult time, more than ever, everybody needs self care. So
I would just say, you know, there are many ways
to do that. Um, but you kind of have to

(30:06):
make it a priority, I guess I'll say, And whether
that's self care within your relationship or within your finances,
or what you put you know, into your body, um,
and and what you do with your mind. I just
would would say that, you know, I'm pleased to say,
we're coming out of a time where self care and

(30:26):
and certainly mental health care was so stigmatized that people
you know couldn't acknowledge or wouldn't tell others. And I
think we're really coming out of that. I'm glad to say. Um,
So the most important thing is acknowledged to yourself. Acknowledge
your own story to yourself, because that's the only way
you can rewrite your story right and and uh and

(30:48):
and and make alterations um. And physiologically uh, feed your
feed your body so you can feed your mind. Um.
And I think, uh, you know, like I said, I
think many of us will turn out to come out
more resilient in the end and have built tools. You know,
you can't build resilience if if every the way is paved,

(31:09):
if the way is smooth. I'm trying to talk to
parents about this all the time. If you paved the
way for your child and they can never make mistakes
or fall down because you picked them up as they
were even heading down. UM. Then they can't build the
coping tools, they can't learn that they can overcome, that
they can that they have that strength in them, and
then when really more difficult stuff happens, they don't feel equipped.

(31:32):
So the same thing is true for adults. And so
I do think that out of this people are going
to find that they had stuff in them. They didn't
know that, they've accrudd certain abilities and strength they didn't
know they had UM and that will will leave them
fitter for life. H I agree with you. I had
a friend that was talking about recently. I was talking

(31:54):
to him and he said about life and relationship. He
was talking about relationship that applied it to life as well.
He said, a relations and ship when given a conflict,
if that conflict can be peacefully resolved, the relationship is
stronger for having had that conflict and thus in a
better position moving forward. And I was wonderful. It applies
to life, It applies to relationship, career, many things. So

(32:16):
it was very relevant for this conversation. Um Sharie, where
can our community find you? Uh Shari? Healy dot com
and the luminaries on social Yes, okay, awesome. Uh and
we'd love to have you back on the Sanciery because
I've got a world of problems amongst the men here
that you can get with. Uh, Dr Gale, where can

(32:37):
where can our me at doctor Gale Salts. Um, they
can find me at www dot dot Dale Salts dot com. Um.
They want sort of more information about the kind of
things that I'm talking about, they can check out my
book mentioned The Power is Different and um and yes,
I actually uh I have already personology. I heard podcasts up,

(33:01):
but I'm I'm about to begin another one that will
be very specifically mental health care for women. So um,
they can they can tune into that as well. Amazing,
the world needs more of it. Ladies, Thank you so much,
and we'll be back with two more special guests right
after this break back from break. Our first two guests

(33:27):
were amazing, so helpful, and now we have two more amazing, brilliant, intelligent,
very successful women here to help us navigate this COVID,
this very uncertain time of life. Um. It's fascinating to
see where the world is, where the world was, where
the world is and where the world is going to
go and a big part of that has been finances. Uh,

(33:50):
And so we have a special guest on with us
right now who's going to help with that. And then
we have we also want to continue any of the
conversation about mental health, anxiety and how do we get control,
how do we get some sort of semblance of control
and start coming out of this pandemic. So our next
guest is named by Urban Influence magazine is one of
the twenty Hottest Influencers in America. She is an author,

(34:13):
entertainment executive, and celebrity financial coach who helps others face
their money issues and achieve personal, professional, and spiritual harmony.
She has two more than two decades worth of experience
in the banking and real estate sales industries. She's featured
regularly on The Steve TV Show, The Hallmark Channel's Home
and Family Show, and b ET Networks. Dr Lynn Richardson,

(34:35):
Welcome to the show. Hi, thank you so much for
the beautiful invitation. Yeah, thank you so much. I'm so excited.
Finances are a big stressor and it's causing stress in relationships,
not just in life, but in relationships. So we want
to get into the finances, especially with you and also
joining us, we have another very special guests, very talented,

(34:57):
brilliant guests. She is a licensed clinical psycho oologists with
the private practice in Beverly Hills and specializes in the
treatment of couples and relationships, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, and
eating disorders. She believes that therapy is not magic, but
rather a process that requires work, commitment, and faith, and
it is slow, steady changes that lead to sustained changes.

(35:21):
Dr Hillary Goldscher, Welcome to the show. Thank you for
having me. Guys, I appreciate you so much. Um this
has been We're gonna go. We're gonna go rapid boom
boom boom. Here we go. Um. We want to serve
our community as much as possible. Um Lynn, what are
you seeing in the world of finances right now? What
are we supposed to do with our fire? We're supposed
to spend money, not spend money. Should we be saving?

(35:43):
Why our finances causing us such stress in our lives
and our relationships? Well, I'll answer the first question. The
first question is we shouldn't be spending money. We can't
go anywhere anyway, right, So social distancing and staying home.
It's good for the budget. We are facing what could
possibly be the worst recession of all time, and so

(36:06):
I encourage folks to one uh store as much cash
as you can, get rid of as many unnecessary subscriptions
and things like that as you can minimize if you can,
and stack your cash. Take advantage of the offers by
almost every finance or lender company in the in the
country where they're offering extensions of time to pay. Now

(36:28):
it's not the time to be a financial hero. Now,
it's not the time to prepay everything down as soon
as you get your money. Because people are losing their jobs,
many big companies are figuring out ways to keep people
at home and to get rid of the workforce now
that they see that we can work at home and
be effective. So that really is cash is king. But

(36:48):
the beautiful thing is right now, um home based businesses
are winning. Everybody should have a home based business. I
feel like Noah when he was telling everybody to get
in the art and nobody believed him. And I've been
saying for the past twelve years at least, it seems
like every single day everybody needs a home based business.
And so now is it's time to tap into that creativity.
Now is the time to do that, uh, you know,

(37:09):
to go after that drink that you never thought you could.
Now is the time to re energize, to reorganize, to reboot, uh,
and to take the advantage of this time where we
get to hit the reset button. I love what you
just said there because it's a blend of two things.
It's a blend of being conservative and smart with a
blend of being bold. Right. It's like it's an it's

(37:32):
let's be smart. Let's say there's someone certaint you're okkase,
so let's let's position ourselves well there. But also let's
utilize this new opportunity that the world has presented to us,
because I don't want people to just go into a
hunker down, bunker like life preservation mode, because there are
tremenous opportunities that are opening up that we have to

(37:55):
see and have to create. But they're there. If you
look at I think the financial crisis, out of oh
eight there were of the most brilliant companies that came
out of that crisis. There was I think an eighteen
month stretch whereas Uber, Twitter, Instagra, a lot of these
massive companies came out of that stretch of of chaos
in the world, and so this is a unique pocket

(38:16):
of life for people to see it as an opportunity
if they can um. On the family front, Hillary, what
are your your clients? What are what are some of
the biggest issues that you are seeing in relation to
in relation to relationships, what are people struggling with? Is
it finances that people are struggling with the most? Is
a connection or too much proximity? What are you seeing

(38:39):
that people are struggling with the most? Yeah, I think
the family unit is it's really struggling during this time
in many ways. I mean being all under one roof
and having to manage professional life, personal connections, and in
most many cases school um can be quite chaotic, and
I would say there are a lot of reports of anxiety.

(39:00):
Family is anxious and anxious about the way in which
their life paradigm has shifted, Anxious about doing homeschooling properly,
anxious about feeling somewhat disconnected in their relationships. Although we're
all spending more time together, there's enough stress and enough

(39:20):
anxiety that that time has been somewhat compromised. So I
would say there's a myriad of vicious that have come
come up, but those are sort of the highlights that
I've been hearing quite frequently. You do you see a
lot of people and did you see people struggling because
they haven't accepted this new norm yet that they want

(39:41):
what was? Is that causing people to struggle that they
haven't accepted like, Okay, it looks like we're probably going
like this for another six years or a month or
six months or a year um, and I need to
somewhat embrace this new kind of norm versus wishing what was? Yes,
and and people m yeah. And in my view, I

(40:03):
call that grief in part. You know that many people
are still grieving and appropriately so the loss of what was,
and in some ways we have to honor that process
and not catapult them or push them into a place
they're not ready for. But right there's this balance of
acceptance and acknowledgement so you can be fluid and adjust.

(40:25):
So I find that to be a really difficult task
for most individuals and most family units. Is that balance
between grieving over what was and it's appropriate. There's there's
no blueprint for this. Never has the world been affected
in such a such a unique, incredulous way. But also
we have to show resilience and we have to help

(40:48):
our family find a new way of being. So I
absolutely think that's at the heart of what a lot
of families and individuals are struggling with. UM. Yeah, I
agree so too, and and but I think there's a
tremendous amount of optimism for the future, but in certain
times it's very difficult to see that one of these times.

(41:08):
Could this could be one of those times? Um, Lynn,
what are you seeing with have you seen the financial
blowback to the family structure the connection there, like potentially
if one person loses their job, is that putting more
stress on families and relationships? Um? What are you seeing
in relation to finances related to the relationship? UM, I

(41:32):
definitely think it's causing stress for the family, particularly when
one person loses the job, and if that person was
the breadwinner um. And quite frankly, whether they were the
breadwinner or not. UM. In today's times, every penny that
comes as the household it usually has a purpose. So
for those two parented working homes, every dollar has a purpose,
whether it be for the household, whether it be for childcare,

(41:56):
UM or college for you know, a college student. I
really think that this is the time right now to
hit the reset button and to hit uh to set
new expectations. Unfortunately, I don't think we really understand or
that we really get a chance to appreciate the fact
that many of us were probably addicted to a lifestyle

(42:16):
that although we miss it and it felt good like
a drug, it wasn't good for us, right. But you
still have the attachment to whatever the thing was, and
so having the opportunity to go cold turkey is giving
us an opportunity to see what we have left. And
although that may be a difficult task. I think one

(42:38):
of the things that families are doing. I was on
another national news show a couple of weeks ago, and
I was talking to the parents about staying relevant in
their jobs, and then I was talking to them about
hiring their kids to work in their home based business.
You have your kids at home all day anyway, the
I R. S says, you can hire those kids to
work in your business. You can pay each child up
to twelve thousand, four hundred dollars a year. That money

(43:00):
is a tax right off to you. And now you
can take that money that you're paying the child, and
they can pay for all their own things that you
were gonna pay for anyway, but you didn't get a
tax fright off for those things like that computer for
the online learning, or private school tuition, or a video
game or what have you. So this presents an opportunity
for families to kind of work together more cohesively in

(43:23):
a different way, learning something new. My youngest daughter is
a sophomore at college. They came home spring break, didn't
go back until a couple of weeks ago, But she's
a nineteen years old sophomore in college. She's been working
for me since she was six six years old. Uh yes,
she and her sister's Her sister was seven, her older
sister was eleven, and they've been working for me since

(43:44):
that time. So they understand the value of money, they
understand entrepreneurialism. And I, for one, if I had kids
at home, I don't know how much time they'd spend
learning ABC's in one, two, three, but they'd certainly be
working in the home based business getting an entrepreneurial experience,
helping the family. And I think all those kind of
things that we're learning that are new are bringing us together.

(44:06):
If we give it, give it a chance. Gold That
was wonderful. So many of our listeners are probably thinking, Boom,
I got three kids here that are now going to
work because Lynn Richardson gave me the green light to
put them to work. Absolutely and and the Department of
Labor says, so the Department of Labor, and people don't realize.
The Department of Labor says that a child of any

(44:26):
age can work in entertainment. That's why you see babies
on diaper commercials and baby food commercials. A child of
any age can work in entertainment theatrical production. So if
you have a home based business that you need to
promote on the internet, uh, then you can put your
child in the video. They can actor perform in that
and it's perfectly legal, ethical and moral. The Department of

(44:48):
Labor also says that a child can work in a
parents home based business. A home based business, not your restaurant,
not your corporation that's down the block in the big building.
But a child can work in a home parents home
based business at any age for any number of hours,
any day of the week, any time of the day, um,
except for an agricultural infirming. So that presents a huge

(45:09):
opportunity and and some of the parents say, well, what
can my two year old do? I say, any child
that can work in iPad can work a job. Any
child you can work in iPads, you have a job. Okay, Um,
you'd be surprised what young kids could do. They cause
they can help with social media. You're slightly older, kids
can help with filing and research and paperwork, and then

(45:31):
your teens, your preteens and up. They My my oldest daughter,
she graduated in north Western She's been running my whole
business and she was thirteen doing data entry and spreadsheets
and things like that. So we really get to tap
into another part of who we are. I think it's exciting.
I haven't seen a family where the kids aren't excite
excited about getting their own paycheck. Now that means you

(45:52):
have to buy your own things, including your own Christmas toys,
so you know that can be a bummer. But the
truth is there are ways for us to work together
during this pandemic and win financially. Beautiful, very well, said
um Hilary. I want to ask you about because we
had two previous guests on that we were talking about
how to manage cope and deal with anxiety. And I'm

(46:16):
actually right now going through and doing some counseling and
therapy myself. I'm working through some of the emotions that
I still have remnants of being let go from hockey
being able to retire as a professional athlete. So I'm
a big advocate for therapy and for counseling. UM, have
you seen an increase in your demand during this time

(46:37):
or are people too shy to ask for help. I've
absolutely seen an increase during this time, and a notable one,
and and I'm you know, it's unfortunate, but I'm pleased
that people are reaching out and I there I think
it's so important to begin with self compassion. In my opinion,
I think people feel afraid of their anxiety, feel resistant

(46:59):
to their anxiety, and as a result, it can become paralyzing.
And and so I really encourage folks to be super
in touch with quote symptoms that they're having, you know,
ruminating thoughts, uh, physical symptoms, heart raising, stomach lurching, etcetera,
that are invasive and consistent, and to begin with that
self compassion that like, something's going on here, there's something

(47:22):
that I need to pay attention to and get to
the bottom of and you can start with sort of
a self care program that might consist of, you know,
sharing feelings or concerns with trusted others, exercising, journaling, meditating, etcetera.
But if those symptoms continue and are persistent, there's no
shame in reaching out for help. Now is the time

(47:43):
to do it. It's amazing what you just said. I
started smiling because you basically just shared what I've really
gone through. One of the first things that I've learned
that I learned and I am still learning, is to
have compassion and empathy for myself for what I went
through with being released from hockey. I didn't get to

(48:03):
say I retire, I'm tired, I'm done. I was released.
I was told Brooks you you are done um, and
so I never gave myself empathy. I never had empathy
or compassion for that kind of trauma UM in my life.
And often I think as individuals were very compassionate, very
empathetic for other people, but for ourselves we really overlook it.

(48:27):
And I feel like a lot of people are doing
that right now, and I want this podcast to encourage
people to have empathy for yourself compassion. Hey, the world
is a tough place right now. It is like the
world is a really tough place. How do we get
people that are struggling with that to have empty and
compassion for themselves to open up? Hillary? Yeah, I I

(48:48):
think it's a risk of being vulnerable, you know, being
vulnerable with oneself, acknowledging that I'm not always strong, I
don't always have all the answers. I do struggle, I
do get sad, I don't know everything. You know, being
able to be vulnerable and having a belief that vulnerability
can lead to a better path, can lead to more

(49:11):
connection with oneself and others. It is a tough ask,
There's no question. I think there's a societal edict um
in in many circles that we should um show ourselves
being composed and have it all together and not demonstrate
our so called weaknesses meaning regular feelings. You know, all
of us have fears and anxieties and depression, and why

(49:34):
wouldn't it be exacerbated in some cases given where we
are today, And so just just being open and willing
to access that vulnerability, and I would just encourage that
when we push down symptoms, when we push them down um,
difficult feelings, painful feelings. We get symptoms, is what I
mean to say. We get symptoms whatever those symptoms are anxiety, depression,

(49:56):
drinking too much, fighting with our loved ones, disconnecting, except
or symptoms will show up one way any other. So
instead of pushing them down and having kind of emotional
rent to pay later, let them come up and out.
And if it gets scary and we need support, calling
a friend or reach out to a therapist, and and
and on the other end of it, it could be

(50:17):
something really, really magical. I've never heard someone be vulnerable
and regret it later in the long run. Never that
was so well said, well said, go ahead, I would
I would like to just throw in there. There's a
flip side to that as well. There are people who
are doing really well who also experience UM fear of success.

(50:38):
This has been one of the busiest times in life
for me. This has been one of the busiest times
for many of my colleagues that I know. I run
an entertainment firm in Hollywood, and we're selling shows and
contracts and so on and so forth. So while people
have figured out how to pivot UM, there's also a
success factor and I remember one night feeling really afraid, like,

(51:02):
oh my god, this is everything, It's so much, it's
coming so fast. What if I failed? Like literally I
was afraid of failing, literally afraid of failing and to
be able to know what that is, because sometimes if
you're not honest with yourself, you can divert that to
something else. And then I called a friend and I said,
I'm afraid to succeed. Like who says that? Um, I

(51:25):
just happened to have the awareness to get it out.
It wasn't a formal therapy session, but I did feel
like I had been counseled. It's a same girl, get
it together, You're okay, take one step at a time.
Because what was also happening, or what has been happening
during the pandemic is those businesses that did get a
chance to thrive. We had to thrive in a pressure cooker.

(51:46):
We had to thrive in uh conditions. I mean this
was early in the pandemic, helping people with their finances
and there's no shipping, there's no movement, there's no restaurants,
there's nothing open. How do you get information to people?
How do ship things? How do you so and then
there's a massive amount of people coming and asking for
help daily, all day, every single day. So it goes

(52:08):
both ways. Where there are those who are feeling um,
extremely vulnerable and confused and not knowing what to do,
and then there's those who are feeling vulnerable because they
have too much to do and are overwhelmed and don't
know how to handle that success either. So thank you
for that. That was really eye opening to hear and
to receive again. M that I have friends too that

(52:29):
were very very successful right prior to COVID and and
bought new homes, bought lake houses, things and then have
been able to enjoy those during these times and then
feel guilty because they've actually really enjoyed the quarantine time.
And that's another set of problems too. It's um, I'm like, well,
share it, share the wealth with with people that are

(52:51):
less fortunate there like I am, I'm employing, I've employed
more gardeners I have. I've brought on this person to
help on trying to create opportunity. And that's howlet's help
them get over some of their um, their guilt for
for having done well or even doing well during this
COVID time. I know both of you guys are on
a time crunch, so we need to let you go.

(53:11):
We need to get you out here. But undoubtedly our
community is gonna is gonna want to find more about
you guys and where they can be in contact with you. Um,
Dr Hillary, where can where can people find you? Um
to reach out to you? You're in Beverly Hills, but
are you online anywhere? Best places on my website? Dr
Hillary Goldscher dot com and doctors d R and Hillary
has two else and then gold your g O L

(53:33):
D S h E R perfect Yes, Um and Lynn,
where can people find you? Ask Lynn dot org? Ask
Lynn l I N N no E dot org. Next
time I go to spend a dollar, I'm gonna send
you an email and say is this okay? Can I
buy lunch? Yeah? I need to approve every expenditure around here.
Come on now. Thank you so much with you for

(53:58):
being on how man think. I appreciate your hearts, sharing
your insight and your knowledge your expertise with our community.
Undoubtedly it's going to help many, many people. So thank
you both so much. I wish you the best health
and happiness. And to everyone else listening to take care
of one another, love one another, and we'll see you
back here for another episode of How Men Think