March 17, 2022 • 39 mins
The Hunky star of The Rookie, Eric Winter, is taking over How Men Think.
Eric is married to superstar Roselyn Sanchez, so he knows a thing or two about women and he's sharing his "alleged" expertise!
Seriously though, he's married with two kids and promises full transparency as he answers your calls.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
We're taking you inside the mind of a man. This
is how Men thick and I heard radio podcast What
is Up? Everybody? I am so pumped to be filling
in here as a as a guest on How Men Think.
I've been on this podcast in the past and to
be able to host it now this time is gonna
(00:21):
be a lot of fun. So let me tell you
a little bit about myself. You know, I'm Eric Winter.
You might know me from a current TV show on
one right now called The Rookie on ABC. I was
on something called Which Is of East End before they
had a big cult following in a movie The Ugly Truth.
Those are just a few of the things Nilga. Truth
actually bodes very well with a podcast like How Men Think?
(00:43):
To be quite honest. Um. I also have a podcast
with my wife Roslyn Sanchez called he said a yadjo
that if you haven't checked out, you need to do so. Um.
And other than that, I'm gonna try and answer some
of your questions and uh, but before we do that,
let's go ahead and start with eleven questions. Uh for me, Okay,
what are you known for? Tell us about yourself? Well,
(01:05):
I guess I am known for being an actor. Um,
I once was a model many years ago. Um, but
now I guess you could say I'm known for being
an actor. Who am I in my personal life and
my personal life, I am definitely not an actor. I
am a father and I am a husband, and uh,
those are my two greatest priorities. And I'm a son,
(01:27):
um so those. Uh. My family is the most important
thing to me, so I try to put that first
with everything I do. Um, let's see three shows that
I am binge watching right now. I'm watching Winning Time,
the Lakers, Showtime Era, uh, series that just started up
on HBO Max. I just finished binging um Yellow Jackets
(01:50):
on Showtime, which I loved. I was way into very
cool show. Um, let's see you Gosh before that, I
don't know one other show. I know my wife wants
me to start The Crown, but I'm way way late
on that and I get a lot of anxiety watching
five seasons of any show at this point, so that
probably won't happen. My favorite food uh, Mexican food. I
(02:12):
think that's usually my go to tacos. I mean I
love tacos. About my career, well, I talked about it
a little bit at the top of this, uh segment.
But you know I wanted to be a doctor. I
was a premid student at U c l A. I
fell into the acting world after taking a drama class
in college and which actually you know, led me down
(02:34):
the road of modeling and commercials and studying acting and
uh my career. I got very fortunate became an actual profession.
I should say acting is a is a tricky business.
It's not always a profession. It's sometimes something you're just
plugging away at a challenge. My biggest fear, I don't
really know that I have a biggest fear in my life. Um,
(02:58):
probably just the health and safety of my family, I guess.
Um biggest pet peeve? Wow, my biggest pet peeve is
probably when people complain a lot and never try to
do anything about it. That pretty much drives me crazy. Um,
(03:18):
something that we talked about on he said ADIHO a
lot my other podcast, because I like to fix things.
I don't like to sit and just complain. Um. What
makes me the most happy? I'm gonna go back to
the answer I said before, but my family. My family
makes me the most happy. And my ideal Saturday is
pretty much getting that family time in because when I'm
working during the week, I don't get to see the
(03:39):
kids as much. And also I love watching my daughter
play tennis, so a good Saturday morning tennis match is
at the top of my list. Although it stresses me
out and I go crazy while I'm watching it, I
do enjoy it and I'm definitely more Uh. To answer
a question ten here, I'm definitely more of an athlete
than an armchair quarterback. Um. I yeah, And what keeps
(04:02):
me motivated, I think, plain and simple is probably the
drive to be the best I can be for my kids. UM,
to try and set a good example for them moving
forward in this world. And although I fail quite often,
I try to pick myself back up and be the
example for them. So that would answer my eleven questions. Okay, well,
(04:22):
before we get into some listener questions, I'm gonna I'm
gonna do some Q and a UM that listeners have
wrote in about. UM. Let's see, is it hard to
surprise your wife with romantic gestures? What do you suggest
for couples who have been together for a while. Well,
you know what, it does get more challenging. I would
say the longer you've been with somebody to surprise an
(04:44):
individual because they they they've figured you out in a
lot of ways, so it's it's tough to spring one
on them. Um. But I do try really hard to
always be creative and to dig deep in the vault
and try to come up with something fun. Um And
that's you know, my advice us again would be for
couples to all do the same. I mean, you've got
to try to keep it interesting. But you know, surprises
aren't always the most important part. Just the romantic gesture itself,
(05:08):
uh speaks volumes. So I think that is is what
is the most important in that situation, is just make
the effort. Um. Do I agree with the motto that
marriage comes first before the kids? And you know, I
would say yes. I would say marriage definitely is something
that you should put at the front of a family
(05:29):
because you're a you're setting this sort of tone in
the household. The kids are always an a priority in
the situation. But if the marriage is not intact and
you're not putting that first, then I think the kids
suffer as a result of that. So I think if
you can put the marriage first, it all will fall
back on the family in the most positive way possible.
(05:52):
Let's see, Um, do ros And and and I talk about
our love languages. Yes, we definitely have talked about our
love languages on our podcast quite a bit. We definitely
do not agree on the same types of love languages.
But I think, you know, I love the idea of
love languages. I think that the they they hit the
nail on the head. You know. I think if you
can understand what makes your partner tick, I think that
(06:14):
is the most important part in a relationship because everybody,
everybody is motivated by something different in a relationship and
what really makes them happy. So I think it's important
to acknowledge it and figure it out. Um, let's see,
is it too forward or aggressive for a woman to
ask a guy on a date? Absolutely not. I think
(06:37):
a woman knowing what she wants and being confident and
and going after what she wants is super attractive. So
I don't think a woman should sit back. But I
also completely believe in chivalrie, and I believe that a
man should also step up and be an incredible um pursuer.
You know, I think pull out all the stops, make it,
(06:59):
make it known you are attracted to the person of interest.
And go for it. But but women don't hold back.
Don't hold back at all. Um. Let's see, before my
new boyfriend meets my parents, should I tell him about
my family's issues? What? Well? I you know, Wow, I
guess it depends on what your family's issues are. UM.
If they are too intense, I would probably hold back,
(07:24):
UM at first, sort of make the intro. Let the
boyfriend experience it for himself, don't you know, because you
might put something out there that's too much and and
maybe it wasn't that bad when he meets the parents
for the first time. But if they're hardcore, yeah, if
if if your parents are impossible, then you might want
to give them heads up just to not take it
to a too serious. UM. Let's see, how soon do
(07:50):
you talk about past relationships with your partner? You know,
I don't really think it's good to talk about past
relationships at all, unless my partner were to bring it up. Um.
That's not something I'm big on. I never go into
a new relationship talking about my past relationships by any means. UM.
But if my partner were to ask any questions, I
would be honest. I would I would share. UM, definitely
(08:12):
talk about what I've learned from them, but I would
not indulge in them. I think that can be a
Oh that's a bad situation. Looking for a problem, is
what I would say. Diving into the past. Um, let's see,
do you guys plan dates anymore? If I'm a guy
and I'm interested If I if a guy I am
interested in has not planned a date but has asked
(08:34):
me to hang out, does this mean he is not
interested in me? Seriously? Look, I definitely still planned dates
from my wife. I have to put him together. But
I and I think if a guy asked someone out
but doesn't have something fully planned, it doesn't necessarily mean
he's not interested. It just it might be a flag
for you that if you look, if you like a
guy who's putting the effort in and really wanting to
(08:55):
show you that he's brought his a game, then that
might be something you're paying attention to. But I don't
don't know that it quite means he's not interested in you.
He's just not prepared. He's not he's not a planner,
which could be a problem for something. Uh, let's see
maybe one more we can squeeze in. Um, when kids
(09:17):
come into the picture, how important is it to have
date nights. I think it's extremely important. It's easier said
than done to figure it out. You know, Rosally and
I are always trying to figure out ways to have
date nights. And then, funny enough, every time we have
a date night, all we do is talk about the
kids and now things are going at home, and I
hope they're behaving and um, but I think it's important
to try to block out that special time for each
(09:40):
other and have a proper date night because you've got
to keep the romance in the relationship strong in order
to keep the marriage strong, and then in turn, like
I said before, it all snowballs down onto the kids
as a as a good example for marriage. So that'sh
I think I might have answered them all. All right,
(10:09):
Now we are going to take some live calls and
I'm gonna do my best to answer your questions as
honestly as I can. Hey, Madison, Hi, how are you.
I'm doing great? How are you? I'm good? I'm good.
Thank you, Thank you for having me. For sure, I'm
excited to hear what you have to say. Well, I'm
(10:31):
I'm hoping you have an answer for me. Um, Okay, Well,
for for the record, I am twenty eight um, and
I this is gonna sound crazy, but I've been with
my boyfriend for seven years. Seven years. Wow. OK, I
know it's a long time, but you know, for myive years,
I guess. But when I when I talk to people
(10:53):
that are like in their thirties and forties, they're always
surprised that I in a long term relationship like that,
And they seem to always mention that their twenties were
like create there their most wild fun times of their youth.
And I don't know, as I'm getting closer to thirty,
(11:14):
I'm just questioning if I sort of missed out on
fun in my twenties because I've been in this long
term relationship for seven years. So I'm just I don't know,
am I thinking too much about it? Or like, am
I thinking too much about you know, missing out? Well,
I don't think you should ever think about what you're
(11:35):
missing out on. If what you're in is truly bringing
you a lot of happiness, that's that's where I start.
I mean, if you're if you've been really happy for
the past seven years, and you have, I mean everybody
has ups and downs, and seven years is a solid,
solid relationship. UM, I would never gauge on what you've
missed out if if, if everything has been sitting right
(11:57):
in front of you has been great. You know what
I mean, every everybody sure people have what I was
married when I first when I was twenty five, I
got married for the first time. I was divorced by
twenty eight. I was in a long term relationship when
I we started dating when I was let's see, we
started dating when I was twenty two. Uh yeah, twenty two,
I think. And uh, so you could say most of
(12:18):
my twenties were taken up by that first marriage, and
then I met my current wife when I was in
my late twenties. Now, I had wild, like high school
years even in my twenties, um, and I had a
couple of years of being single in between where I
had I had my you know, my kicks. I guess
you'd say or whatever, just being a being a twenty
year old. Um. But again, you know, I didn't go
(12:41):
through my twenties just partying all straight through. I was
in a long term relationship for most of that time. UM.
And so I again, I people that say those things,
they aren't living the reality that you were living, right,
So they're living a different sort of happiness, and a
lot of it is I hate to say it because
I've been but I've been through It's it's more of
a shallow right, like if I'm party and I'm just
(13:02):
living up these moments, which they're great. I'm not saying
they're not, but they're not invested in any sort of
love right, They're not. They're in the moment, and which
is also a beautiful thing for for many people at
that time. UM, let me ask you, I mean it's
seven years are you Are you wanting to get married?
Are you hoping to sustain a long term relationship as
a partner? Um? Is he the he? Or she the
(13:24):
one for you? I mean, I definitely want to get
married one day, and after seven years, I do think
that we're both ready. I mean I've of course, we've
had ups and downs like any relationship, but I've definitely
been happy. I am happy. I love him. Do you
think he's the one? I do? I do? I definitely
(13:47):
I do. Yeah that sounds cheesy, but I do. I
really do. Then that's that's all that matters. And then
you didn't really miss out on anything because at the
end of the day you would have your twenties. Otherwise
would have been party, party, date, break up, maybe hook up,
be unfulfilled for for a long time, maybe be happy
for a little bit. You know, it's a it's a
(14:08):
big when you're single in your twenties. It's just a
big roller coaster. It's up and down of highs on
those I remember being single after my first my first divorce,
and being so like just going wild, having to blast
and dating, dating, dating, and then I would just have
these lonely, lonely nights where I constantly was like, when
am I going to get back in a serious relationship
and find my person? Because I always knew I was
(14:31):
going to be someone that would be in relationships. I
would be a monogamous person and be committed, and um,
I was always looking for that love. Even in those
moments of just being single and silly, I still was
always looking for something deeper. So I was fulfilled in
the moment, but I wasn't fulfilled long term, so I
was always searching still. Um yeah, so again, I mean
(14:53):
it sounds fine. I just I don't not wonder what
I want. Yeah, you can't gauge your happiness on other
people experiences or their happiness or what they say is right.
You know, you clearly have something good going on, and
I think you should be thankful for that that you
found it early. Thank you. Yeah. No, I I think
I just needed help sort of rationalizing it, or not
(15:16):
even rationalizing it, like a different perspective on it, I guess.
And here's the truth. You will never know. You're being
single in your twenties may have been the worst experience
of your life. It may have been great, it may
have been horrible. You will never know. It's not always
you know, peaches and cream. It's just not I don't
(15:38):
care what anybody says. It's like, it's like living the
Instagram life. People's Instagram is not their reality. You know.
Someone said, oh, my twenties was so amazing that I
was single and living it up, And I guarantee you
that moments of loneliness and boredom and sadness and um
feeling that they were missing out on someone who found love.
So I'm like, yeah, I mean, I don't envy my
friends that are still single and trying to find someone,
(16:01):
because they all are. I'm sure most of them don't
want to end up single. The rest of their lives.
Do most of them? I think some of them probably
will only because they can. I don't know, it's a
different story. I'll call back in. Well. I hope that
helps a little bit. But it sounds like you have
a good thing going on. Don't compare to your friends.
Just live in your live your moment. This helped so much.
(16:23):
Thank you so much, seriously, you really help. Okay, good,
I have a good one. Oh my gosh, thank you
you too. Thank you so much. Laura. Hi are you yeah?
Eric Winter here? Hi? I'm good. How are you? I'm
doing great? So what do you have for me? I'm
curious what question you have? Okay, So I think this
(16:46):
is probably the most important question you're going to get today.
So I'm I'm in my mid thirties, right, Um, I
am single, and I am looking for a long term partner.
So a lot of my friends they've found some guys
who are divorced. Uh. Some of those guys have kids,
some of them don't. But anyways, my friends always tell
me to find a divorced man because he knows how
(17:09):
to commit, you know. So what's how what it takes
to make a marriage work? Um? And I'm not sure
how I feel about it, and I wanted to ask you,
do you believe in that notion that you need to
find a divorced man because of the agent, Yes, at
which you are and you're single. Yes, I completely disagree
that you have to find that. I think you just
got to find the right person. Um, I think you
(17:32):
have to find the right person. I don't care if
they were divorced or you know, if they've ever been married.
I mean, I think as you're meeting people, if you
if you find someone that's like, you know, he's never
been in a long term relationship before, that might be
something that you're like, Okay, that's interesting. You know. I'm
not saying I would red flag it immediately, but the
fact that they've never been able to sustain a relationship
could be something that I wouldn't waste time on. But
(17:54):
if they're great, you maybe you're that one. Maybe you're
that person that they're gonna build their first long term
relationship with. UM. But I would never gauge it just
on the fact that you're in your thirties and your
you need the people that are divorced and I'm I
was divorced, you know, once before I got married a
second time. I would never say that a person that
(18:15):
has been divorced knows how to commit, because they'd so
who's to say that they don't want to commit again?
You know, someone who has a clean slate might be
the right person that's never been married that is looking
to commit for the first time long term. Um, you know,
I just think one thing that happens is the older
you get, no matter what. And I say this in
(18:37):
the in the in the the most honest but polite
way to anybody, is that, yeah, the older people get
yourself or anybody else, the more bad I say baggage
in the nicest way, But the more things that accumulate
in a person's past, right, so I I feel like
holding them to certain standards or certain like looking for
that golden egg all the time and saying I'm going
to find the perfect match. The later you get in life,
(18:58):
it's harder because everybody comes with a history, and the
older they are, the bigger that history is. Whether um,
that might be past divorces or it might be you know,
meeting somebody who has kids and they're that's never considered
you know, baggage in my mind. But it's something you
have to consider. You have to take on Do I
want to be a step parent? Do I not want
to be a stepparent? You know? Those are those are
real things to consider. So the older I think you get,
(19:21):
you always have to just not lower your standards by
any means, but just be more accepting of what people
bring to the table, because it's different than in your twenties,
when it's everybody's kind of experiencing things for the first
time or fresh out of high school early college. Everybody's
just being Yeah, you're the young and dumb, you know,
and just having fun, and there's very little things other
than just figuring themselves out. Yes, this makes sense. I'm
(19:44):
so glad you said that because that's kind of how
I feel about it too. But they've been insisting that
I have to find somebody, So I'm going to tell
them that. Eric Winter says that just find the right person. Yeah,
it doesn't matter. They've been and you and I truly
think how do they What makes them think that person
is ready to commit? If they just got out of
a marriage, they might be the farthest thing from somebody
(20:05):
that wants to commit. Yeah that makes sense. Yeah, no,
you you're gonna You're gonna find the right one. Just
keep keep your standards, you know where you want them.
Don't settle, but just be accepting of people and the
right the right match. What will happen. Don't force it. Yeah, okay, great,
thank you for sure. So what you got from Michelle?
(20:31):
My husband and I have been together like ten years
and we have two little kids. Um, our daughter is
nine and our son is seven, and I guess I
need advice on dealing with our son. Um, he's just
at that age where he is super defiant and which
I say that, and I'm like, well, all kids are,
(20:52):
but he's he's definitely into his technology. So we've been
kind of using that too as an incentive for good behavior.
But it's just not working. Like he's said, shut up
to us. He's just we're just not used to this energy.
I don't know if it's boy energy or what, but
it's you know, causing a lot of attention in our home.
(21:14):
Like we all kind of feel held hostage by his behavior.
So I'm just seeking advice, like how how we can
do better with him and with each other all of it. Yeah, no,
I hear you mean, first of all, look, congrats and
being married ten years, having two kids, those are all
wonderful things. Um. You know, I can relate in a
lot of way. Listen, I have my my firstborn is
(21:34):
a is a very very strong little girl, um, and
is at that sort of pre pubescent age where you
know she's fighting back. Everything's a no, everything's talking back. Um.
She hasn't said shut up that I would lose my
mind if she said that to me. But she's getting
(21:55):
to the point where she is she's testing the boundaries, right,
She's pushing, pushing, pushing, So I can fully relate. I
think you said he's seven old. Yeah, so I mean
it's gonna I would Listen, I'm not want to ever
tell anyone how to parent because I feel like every
kid is so different and I and I definitely don't
have it mastered myself by any means. Um. But people
(22:19):
have said to me before, like, if that behavior doesn't
get sort of nipped in the bud early enough, it's
just going to continue to get worse and worse and worse,
and then you get into the teen years and it's
gonna be out of control, which I'm already afraid of
for my daughter. Um, as well. But I think using
you know, finding the things that are the most important
to him, which we've been trying to do with My
daughter too, is super super strong, right I I take
(22:41):
away the television, I take away technology, I take away
the things that she really loves. I remember when my
daughter was and I'll tell you a funny story, when
she was maybe seven, maybe a little even younger than seven,
and she's so strong, and she'd be in trouble and say,
that's it, we're taking away your toys and she's like crying.
She's like, fine, let me help you pack them up
as she's crying. So she didn't really care that I
(23:01):
was taking him away, but she was upset that I
was mad at her, but she was still helping me
get rid of the toys. So it was it was
again showing her defiance, right. Um, with him, have you
noticed that he gets a react? You get a reaction
out of him? Um, when you take away technology? Does
he actually listen for that moment? Times? But I kind
(23:23):
of feel like you said that, it was kind of
a light bulb where I feel like he's reacting more
to us, like losing our minds, like being at our limit. Yeah,
he wants to get the rise out of you. We
don't really do it. Until you just said that, I
was like, oh man, he actually knows the expectation. Maybe
(23:46):
we just kind of react. I don't know. I mean,
he doesn't. He definitely feels the pain. But I feel like,
is that he finally react notary the technology because he
knows he's going to go. He knows he's gonna what.
He knows he's going to get it back eventually. So
(24:09):
but maybe he won't. Maybe he won't get it better.
That's gotta be That's gotta be your line, right, if
that's the one strength that you know you have in
a situation. Look, you know, I grew up. I grew
up at a time where I just got spanked and
I got smacked and I was like, hey, you don't
do this, and I got a spanking and I never
talked back. Now, I know times you're different now, right,
But there mean, and that's why I like that shut
(24:31):
up is so upsetting because it's like where do we
go from here? Because we don't smack our kids and
we won't smack our kids and that kind of like
oh my gosh, Like what now he's like going out
to the world and being this horrible person. Exactly. No,
And I'm sure outside of the house he probably acts
much better than he does at home. At least that's
the case with a lot of my daughter and kids.
(24:52):
And I was told once by somebody, then you know
you're doing the right thing because at least your child
is respectful to adults outside of the home. Their job
is to challenge you, their job is to push you.
And um and and like you you know, I we
have never spanked our kids. I have not gone down
that path, even though that's how I was sort of
brought up. And I think a child having that sort
of hint of fear I would call it, or respect
(25:15):
more importantly, for their parents is the most important factor.
Like you know, we're not here to be their best friends,
even though we want to be. They need to respect
us first, and we're here to teach them and be
their parents. If technology is the one thing I think
that you know you're going to have a handle on
over him that I think, don't engage in the fights
anymore or the arguments. I think take away that take
(25:37):
away his vice. Take away whatever it is is TV
is the technology, whatever the case may be. His sister
is obviously gonna still get what she gets, and he's
going to have to live without that for a long
period of time. And until you see the behavior turn,
let him know he is never getting it back. I
(25:58):
remember when I first started driving, I got a ticket
when I was sixteen. Right, key's got taken away. Didn't
get the ticket, he didn't get the keys back for
a long time. I learned my lesson. So take it away.
He he might think he's getting a back. Nope, it's
gonna go locked away, put in a cupboard, whatever. It
might be a month before he sees it again, unless
he needs it for school. Then he uses it for
those things, but he's not getting it for anything else.
(26:18):
As long as it takes until it sets in that
you that you two are in control, not him. That's
the biggest factor, right He he thinks that he's in control,
and he's pushing that pecking order against your husband, against you.
He's trying to make sure he's the alpha, and he's
got to understand that you're not the alpha. We're the
alpha's and we're on the same page. And whatever you say,
(26:40):
your husband has to agree with. Whatever he says. You
have to agree with. And you guys have to be
a united front in front of him so that he
never sees that he can play you against each other
and whatever it is, take it away and he does
not get it, and just keep taking things away. If
I remember I got grounded as a kid, I didn't
see my friends for two weeks. I couldn't play with
the name my myst friend who was my neighbor. You know,
(27:01):
I couldn't come out. I'd be in my room. Go
back to old school where you just make them write
down on a piece of paper a hundred times. I
will not say shut up to my parents again a
hundred times. Make him write those sentences. Just do things
like that. And if he says no, I'm not going
to do that, and say, well okay, then I guess
you are never getting your PlayStation or you're never getting
(27:21):
your computer back. I guess you just won't get it.
That's it. I mean, you have to find what your
leverage is. Just have to hold the line. I got.
You have to hold the line. You have to he
has to understand that you two are in control no
matter what. I really appreciate you taking the time and
the validation, just being able to talk to another parent
(27:42):
about it is so helpful too. I'm happy to try
to help however I could. I it's not easy. Being
a parent is the most rewarding, the most challenging thing
in the world. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Well, thank
you so much, no problem, all the best you guys.
I hope it works out. Thank you. I appreciate it. Okay,
(28:03):
take care. Bye. Hi, this is a how are you
and how are you doing good? Thanks for having me on.
Thank you for being here. I can't wait to hear
what you what you have to ask? Yeah, okay. So
I was seeing this guy a few years ago and
we ended things because he didn't want to commit like
so many other men. Um and we've now reconnected actually
(28:28):
um lo and behold on Instagram. Uh. We went out
and we had a great time, and he's fully pursuing
me again, saying that he wants a relationship with me,
and you know, he thinks that it can be different
this time. And we were so good last time, and
(28:51):
now look how great it is now, all of that stuff.
But you know, I'm a little bit hesitant because of
what had ended up happening before. Like I wanted to
take it Further, I wanted long term commitment and he
just couldn't. So I'm torn because you know, I think
timing is everything, and maybe it just wasn't the right
(29:11):
timing a couple of years ago, and now the timing
is right. But at the same time, I'm cautious. So
I'm wondering, you know, do you believe in second chances?
I think in a situation like this, and I don't know,
you guys didn't break up for any other reason other
than he was honest about I'm not ready to fully
(29:31):
like commit long term. Right. There was no cheating, There
was no other like major issue, right. It was just that, Yeah,
that's right, that's right. No, No, not no other issues.
It was just, you know, I had to be serious
with myself and I had to be truthful and know
what I wanted and he didn't want that serious. And
how long ago was that? It was about three years ago? Okay,
(29:52):
I mean this is what I would I would say,
and I don't obviously I don't know him, um, and
you're going to have to trust your judge of character,
but I think anybody's I first of all, I respect
his honesty three years ago to be able to tell
you I'm not I'm not at the same place you are,
and I'm not ready to commit. You have to respect that,
(30:13):
because it would have been way worse had he faked it,
went down the path of, like, you know, trying to
force a long term serious relationship having cheated or having
just broken your heart even later down the road, because
you were all in and he wasn't all in, whatever
the case may be, right, So you gotta respect his
honesty upfront. And I think you, assuming he's a good guy,
(30:34):
and I trust that you're a good judge of character,
you have to I think give him the benefit of
the doubt that for three years is a good period
of growth for somebody to realize maybe the grass wasn't greener.
I you know, I did whatever I needed to do.
This is someone I really did enjoy and I let
it go. And you've been cool enough now to give
(30:56):
him a second chance. I totally think cautious is a
good word in a good place for you to be
at in the start of it. But I think if
he's proving himself to you as being sort of a
different person now, someone who's ready to commit and take
those next steps, I don't see anything wrong with giving
him that opportunity because he he did right by you before.
(31:20):
He was honest. He was honest, and there are a
lot of people that wouldn't be No, it would be
so much easier to string you along or just to
fool around and then fool around on the side or
what you know, it's to be honest is really tough
in a situation like that, because he he doesn't want
to hurt your feelings, but he respected you enough to
tell you the truth. And you know you clearly had
(31:41):
something good because why would you have even given him
an opportunity to get back into your life via via Instagram?
So clearly you enjoyed your time with him and he
sounds like he's a good guy, or you have fun
with him at least, so you've let him back in.
You gotta if you don't have to do anything. But
if you've let him back in and you're having fun
(32:03):
and you think there could be something cool again, you
know to to dig deeper on why why hold him
accountable for something he did right by you in the past.
He didn't do anything wrong. He just said he wasn't ready.
That's true, So I I I'll go for it. Yeah. Yeah,
And but cautious is good. How long have you been
(32:24):
dating now for the second time around? Oh recent, It's
only been a little bit, yea, So so cautious is good.
Be cautious, you know what I mean. Give him, give
him the benefit of the doubt. Obviously, your guard is up.
That's understandable. There's nothing wrong with you having that position.
I think, I think, have your guard up, but don't
make it a brick wall, you know, make it a
(32:45):
wooden wall that you can slowly take down a little
easier if you want to. You know, I just I
don't think he uh, he should be punished for being
honest three years ago. That is a very valid point.
I appreciate your insight that that is helpful. I And
you're right, you know, I need to give him that credit.
(33:06):
And that is very I needed to look at it
that way. So I appreciate that. And here's the cool thing.
You're You're in the driver's seat now. Yeah, he's pursuing you.
He's told you he wants to you know, he wants
something more. He's telling you. I wasn't ready before, but
now I am. The great part about all this is
you're in the driver's seat, So you get to dictate
(33:27):
the terms. You get to pace it, you get to
decide when is too much, too fast? How you get
to control it all. If he's in it for the
long haul, you know, make him work a little bit,
he'll prove himself. I love it. Well, thank you, thank
you so much. I really appreciate it for sure. Glad
I could hop all right by Hi, Eric, Hello, how
(33:50):
are you? Thanks to you. I'm doing good. I'm doing
all right. What fun? What fun question do you have
for me? Okay? So I am a Mexican American UM
and my boyfriend he's Asian American, and um, well, I'm
nervous because I already told them about him. It's kind
(34:13):
of like the one of the first boyfriends that I
talked about. But your family you're talking about. You've told
your family, yeah, and it's going pretty well. But my
family's kind of very traditional and about our culture, you know,
and so they always wanted me to date like another Latino. UM.
So I want some advice on like a cross cultural
(34:38):
you know, like relationships. How to handle it with my
parents when they have like different expectations about who should
I date in regards of who. This is a tough
one only because I don't obviously know how set your
parents are in their ways. Um all you know, I
(35:01):
would say I call it old school parenting right where
the parents have this expectation of what their what their child,
who their child needs to date, how it needs to be.
Staying within the same race or culture, UM is tough.
I'm I'm assuming that your parents want what is best
for you. They want you to be happy first and foremost,
above and beyond cultural differences. So if if I'm right
(35:26):
in saying that, then I think expressing the happiness that
this other person brings you is would be the first
step in what I would approach how I approach my
my family right that that's more important than anything else.
And then the only other thing that matters the most
of me. And obviously I'm in a you know, my
cultural relationship right my um my wife is Puerto Rican.
(35:47):
I'm I'm a white guy, but I did grow up
in La Planta. I grew up in a very Mexican
neighborhood where I dated a lot of Latina's. My whole
most my whole life, I did Latina. Um one thing
I always had and hopefully the you're dating has this
you know in him, and you do for him his
culture as well. As I love um my wife's culture,
I embraced her culture. I wanted to know more about it.
(36:10):
You know, when I first went to Puerto Rico, I
was the one that wanted to go sight see and
learn about the island and learn about her culture. So
if he has that for your culture and you have
that for his culture, that I think that's another amazing
point to bring up to your family that not only
does he make you happy, but he loves your Mexican American,
you know, heritage. He wants to know more about it,
(36:31):
he wants to embrace it. He wants um to be
a part of your family in that way. And if
he if you also have that for his family, because
he may have traditional parents as well, then that's a
lion you have to navigate to. I think you both
have to embrace each other's um cultural differences and and
shine a light on them in the most positive way.
And if you can do that, then I think, then
(36:53):
what's the Then that to me, there's no big deal,
there's no problem. The only time I'd ever have an
issue if my daughter being half Puerto Rican and you know,
was to date a guy that was let's say, just
a you know, a whit, a white guy, and he
never wanted to embrace her Puerto Rican heritage. Um, I'd
have a huge problem with that. If he didn't just
accept it or embrace it or want to um celebrate it,
(37:18):
then I'd have a problem. But if that's not the
guy you have, and he's interested in you and who
you are and where you come from, then I think
you should use that with your family, you know, because
that celebrates that, that celebrates your heritage. So at the
same time, yes, you didn't, you didn't end up with
a Mexican American, but you ended up with somebody who
appreciate your culture, um, your heritage and also makes you happy,
(37:41):
which I'm like I said, I'm hoping is what matters
the most in your family is they want you to
be happy. Yeah. I think so, because it'd be worse
if you were dating a guy that was Mexican American
but you were unhappy. That would be way worse in
my opinion. Yeah, totally. No, he's a very nice guy,
and yeah, he totally wants to know more so that
(38:01):
that That's how I feel like I had approached my
family in that situation and try to warm them up
to it, and then, uh, you know, he'll have some
pressure on him when he goes to meet them for
the first time, and or maybe he's already has he
met them. Uh no, he just threw a FaceTime my mom. Okay, okay,
I mean you and your mom was cool. He was nice. Yeah,
(38:24):
So then they're then they're already warming up to the fact.
If they were just like, no, we don't care, he's
not Mexican American, then I'd see you have a much
bigger battle ahead of you. But he's just gotta win
over mom. He hasn't put in a little extra work,
which is okay, yeah, okay, okay, okay, thank you so much. Sure,
(38:45):
I hope that helps a little bit. Okay, take care,
bye bye. All right, Well, thank you to all of
the callers and everybody who wrote in. This was a
lot of fun um hosting how men think. I hope
(39:07):
I helped answer some difficult questions and uh you know,
I even learned a little something. Listening to everyone's questions
for me made me think deep. So thank you for
having me, and uh, please check out the rookie on
ABC and make sure you are listening to our podcast,
he said, a yado. We talk a lot about relationships,
(39:29):
all right, take care everybody. This is how men think.
An I Heart Radio London audio production. Listen each Thursday
on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast or wherever
you get your podcasts.
We're taking you inside the mind of a man. This
is how Men thick and I heard radio podcast What
is Up? Everybody? I am so pumped to be filling
in here as a as a guest on How Men Think.
I've been on this podcast in the past and to
be able to host it now this time is gonna
(00:21):
be a lot of fun. So let me tell you
a little bit about myself. You know, I'm Eric Winter.
You might know me from a current TV show on
one right now called The Rookie on ABC. I was
on something called Which Is of East End before they
had a big cult following in a movie The Ugly Truth.
Those are just a few of the things Nilga. Truth
actually bodes very well with a podcast like How Men Think?
(00:43):
To be quite honest. Um. I also have a podcast
with my wife Roslyn Sanchez called he said a yadjo
that if you haven't checked out, you need to do so. Um.
And other than that, I'm gonna try and answer some
of your questions and uh, but before we do that,
let's go ahead and start with eleven questions. Uh for me, Okay,
what are you known for? Tell us about yourself? Well,
(01:05):
I guess I am known for being an actor. Um,
I once was a model many years ago. Um, but
now I guess you could say I'm known for being
an actor. Who am I in my personal life and
my personal life, I am definitely not an actor. I
am a father and I am a husband, and uh,
those are my two greatest priorities. And I'm a son,
(01:27):
um so those. Uh. My family is the most important
thing to me, so I try to put that first
with everything I do. Um, let's see three shows that
I am binge watching right now. I'm watching Winning Time,
the Lakers, Showtime Era, uh, series that just started up
on HBO Max. I just finished binging um Yellow Jackets
(01:50):
on Showtime, which I loved. I was way into very
cool show. Um, let's see you Gosh before that, I
don't know one other show. I know my wife wants
me to start The Crown, but I'm way way late
on that and I get a lot of anxiety watching
five seasons of any show at this point, so that
probably won't happen. My favorite food uh, Mexican food. I
(02:12):
think that's usually my go to tacos. I mean I
love tacos. About my career, well, I talked about it
a little bit at the top of this, uh segment.
But you know I wanted to be a doctor. I
was a premid student at U c l A. I
fell into the acting world after taking a drama class
in college and which actually you know, led me down
(02:34):
the road of modeling and commercials and studying acting and
uh my career. I got very fortunate became an actual profession.
I should say acting is a is a tricky business.
It's not always a profession. It's sometimes something you're just
plugging away at a challenge. My biggest fear, I don't
really know that I have a biggest fear in my life. Um,
(02:58):
probably just the health and safety of my family, I guess.
Um biggest pet peeve? Wow, my biggest pet peeve is
probably when people complain a lot and never try to
do anything about it. That pretty much drives me crazy. Um,
(03:18):
something that we talked about on he said ADIHO a
lot my other podcast, because I like to fix things.
I don't like to sit and just complain. Um. What
makes me the most happy? I'm gonna go back to
the answer I said before, but my family. My family
makes me the most happy. And my ideal Saturday is
pretty much getting that family time in because when I'm
working during the week, I don't get to see the
(03:39):
kids as much. And also I love watching my daughter
play tennis, so a good Saturday morning tennis match is
at the top of my list. Although it stresses me
out and I go crazy while I'm watching it, I
do enjoy it and I'm definitely more Uh. To answer
a question ten here, I'm definitely more of an athlete
than an armchair quarterback. Um. I yeah, And what keeps
(04:02):
me motivated, I think, plain and simple is probably the
drive to be the best I can be for my kids. UM,
to try and set a good example for them moving
forward in this world. And although I fail quite often,
I try to pick myself back up and be the
example for them. So that would answer my eleven questions. Okay, well,
(04:22):
before we get into some listener questions, I'm gonna I'm
gonna do some Q and a UM that listeners have
wrote in about. UM. Let's see, is it hard to
surprise your wife with romantic gestures? What do you suggest
for couples who have been together for a while. Well,
you know what, it does get more challenging. I would
say the longer you've been with somebody to surprise an
(04:44):
individual because they they they've figured you out in a
lot of ways, so it's it's tough to spring one
on them. Um. But I do try really hard to
always be creative and to dig deep in the vault
and try to come up with something fun. Um And
that's you know, my advice us again would be for
couples to all do the same. I mean, you've got
to try to keep it interesting. But you know, surprises
aren't always the most important part. Just the romantic gesture itself,
(05:08):
uh speaks volumes. So I think that is is what
is the most important in that situation, is just make
the effort. Um. Do I agree with the motto that
marriage comes first before the kids? And you know, I
would say yes. I would say marriage definitely is something
that you should put at the front of a family
(05:29):
because you're a you're setting this sort of tone in
the household. The kids are always an a priority in
the situation. But if the marriage is not intact and
you're not putting that first, then I think the kids
suffer as a result of that. So I think if
you can put the marriage first, it all will fall
back on the family in the most positive way possible.
(05:52):
Let's see, Um, do ros And and and I talk about
our love languages. Yes, we definitely have talked about our
love languages on our podcast quite a bit. We definitely
do not agree on the same types of love languages.
But I think, you know, I love the idea of
love languages. I think that the they they hit the
nail on the head. You know. I think if you
can understand what makes your partner tick, I think that
(06:14):
is the most important part in a relationship because everybody,
everybody is motivated by something different in a relationship and
what really makes them happy. So I think it's important
to acknowledge it and figure it out. Um, let's see,
is it too forward or aggressive for a woman to
ask a guy on a date? Absolutely not. I think
(06:37):
a woman knowing what she wants and being confident and
and going after what she wants is super attractive. So
I don't think a woman should sit back. But I
also completely believe in chivalrie, and I believe that a
man should also step up and be an incredible um pursuer.
You know, I think pull out all the stops, make it,
(06:59):
make it known you are attracted to the person of interest.
And go for it. But but women don't hold back.
Don't hold back at all. Um. Let's see, before my
new boyfriend meets my parents, should I tell him about
my family's issues? What? Well? I you know, Wow, I
guess it depends on what your family's issues are. UM.
If they are too intense, I would probably hold back,
(07:24):
UM at first, sort of make the intro. Let the
boyfriend experience it for himself, don't you know, because you
might put something out there that's too much and and
maybe it wasn't that bad when he meets the parents
for the first time. But if they're hardcore, yeah, if
if if your parents are impossible, then you might want
to give them heads up just to not take it
to a too serious. UM. Let's see, how soon do
(07:50):
you talk about past relationships with your partner? You know,
I don't really think it's good to talk about past
relationships at all, unless my partner were to bring it up. Um.
That's not something I'm big on. I never go into
a new relationship talking about my past relationships by any means. UM.
But if my partner were to ask any questions, I
would be honest. I would I would share. UM, definitely
(08:12):
talk about what I've learned from them, but I would
not indulge in them. I think that can be a
Oh that's a bad situation. Looking for a problem, is
what I would say. Diving into the past. Um, let's see,
do you guys plan dates anymore? If I'm a guy
and I'm interested If I if a guy I am
interested in has not planned a date but has asked
(08:34):
me to hang out, does this mean he is not
interested in me? Seriously? Look, I definitely still planned dates
from my wife. I have to put him together. But
I and I think if a guy asked someone out
but doesn't have something fully planned, it doesn't necessarily mean
he's not interested. It just it might be a flag
for you that if you look, if you like a
guy who's putting the effort in and really wanting to
(08:55):
show you that he's brought his a game, then that
might be something you're paying attention to. But I don't
don't know that it quite means he's not interested in you.
He's just not prepared. He's not he's not a planner,
which could be a problem for something. Uh, let's see
maybe one more we can squeeze in. Um, when kids
(09:17):
come into the picture, how important is it to have
date nights. I think it's extremely important. It's easier said
than done to figure it out. You know, Rosally and
I are always trying to figure out ways to have
date nights. And then, funny enough, every time we have
a date night, all we do is talk about the
kids and now things are going at home, and I
hope they're behaving and um, but I think it's important
to try to block out that special time for each
(09:40):
other and have a proper date night because you've got
to keep the romance in the relationship strong in order
to keep the marriage strong, and then in turn, like
I said before, it all snowballs down onto the kids
as a as a good example for marriage. So that'sh
I think I might have answered them all. All right,
(10:09):
Now we are going to take some live calls and
I'm gonna do my best to answer your questions as
honestly as I can. Hey, Madison, Hi, how are you.
I'm doing great? How are you? I'm good? I'm good.
Thank you, Thank you for having me. For sure, I'm
excited to hear what you have to say. Well, I'm
(10:31):
I'm hoping you have an answer for me. Um, Okay, Well,
for for the record, I am twenty eight um, and
I this is gonna sound crazy, but I've been with
my boyfriend for seven years. Seven years. Wow. OK, I
know it's a long time, but you know, for myive years,
I guess. But when I when I talk to people
(10:53):
that are like in their thirties and forties, they're always
surprised that I in a long term relationship like that,
And they seem to always mention that their twenties were
like create there their most wild fun times of their youth.
And I don't know, as I'm getting closer to thirty,
(11:14):
I'm just questioning if I sort of missed out on
fun in my twenties because I've been in this long
term relationship for seven years. So I'm just I don't know,
am I thinking too much about it? Or like, am
I thinking too much about you know, missing out? Well,
I don't think you should ever think about what you're
(11:35):
missing out on. If what you're in is truly bringing
you a lot of happiness, that's that's where I start.
I mean, if you're if you've been really happy for
the past seven years, and you have, I mean everybody
has ups and downs, and seven years is a solid,
solid relationship. UM, I would never gauge on what you've
missed out if if, if everything has been sitting right
(11:57):
in front of you has been great. You know what
I mean, every everybody sure people have what I was
married when I first when I was twenty five, I
got married for the first time. I was divorced by
twenty eight. I was in a long term relationship when
I we started dating when I was let's see, we
started dating when I was twenty two. Uh yeah, twenty two,
I think. And uh, so you could say most of
(12:18):
my twenties were taken up by that first marriage, and
then I met my current wife when I was in
my late twenties. Now, I had wild, like high school
years even in my twenties, um, and I had a
couple of years of being single in between where I
had I had my you know, my kicks. I guess
you'd say or whatever, just being a being a twenty
year old. Um. But again, you know, I didn't go
(12:41):
through my twenties just partying all straight through. I was
in a long term relationship for most of that time. UM.
And so I again, I people that say those things,
they aren't living the reality that you were living, right,
So they're living a different sort of happiness, and a
lot of it is I hate to say it because
I've been but I've been through It's it's more of
a shallow right, like if I'm party and I'm just
(13:02):
living up these moments, which they're great. I'm not saying
they're not, but they're not invested in any sort of
love right, They're not. They're in the moment, and which
is also a beautiful thing for for many people at
that time. UM, let me ask you, I mean it's
seven years are you Are you wanting to get married?
Are you hoping to sustain a long term relationship as
a partner? Um? Is he the he? Or she the
(13:24):
one for you? I mean, I definitely want to get
married one day, and after seven years, I do think
that we're both ready. I mean I've of course, we've
had ups and downs like any relationship, but I've definitely
been happy. I am happy. I love him. Do you
think he's the one? I do? I do? I definitely
(13:47):
I do. Yeah that sounds cheesy, but I do. I
really do. Then that's that's all that matters. And then
you didn't really miss out on anything because at the
end of the day you would have your twenties. Otherwise
would have been party, party, date, break up, maybe hook up,
be unfulfilled for for a long time, maybe be happy
for a little bit. You know, it's a it's a
(14:08):
big when you're single in your twenties. It's just a
big roller coaster. It's up and down of highs on
those I remember being single after my first my first divorce,
and being so like just going wild, having to blast
and dating, dating, dating, and then I would just have
these lonely, lonely nights where I constantly was like, when
am I going to get back in a serious relationship
and find my person? Because I always knew I was
(14:31):
going to be someone that would be in relationships. I
would be a monogamous person and be committed, and um,
I was always looking for that love. Even in those
moments of just being single and silly, I still was
always looking for something deeper. So I was fulfilled in
the moment, but I wasn't fulfilled long term, so I
was always searching still. Um yeah, so again, I mean
(14:53):
it sounds fine. I just I don't not wonder what
I want. Yeah, you can't gauge your happiness on other
people experiences or their happiness or what they say is right.
You know, you clearly have something good going on, and
I think you should be thankful for that that you
found it early. Thank you. Yeah. No, I I think
I just needed help sort of rationalizing it, or not
(15:16):
even rationalizing it, like a different perspective on it, I guess.
And here's the truth. You will never know. You're being
single in your twenties may have been the worst experience
of your life. It may have been great, it may
have been horrible. You will never know. It's not always
you know, peaches and cream. It's just not I don't
(15:38):
care what anybody says. It's like, it's like living the
Instagram life. People's Instagram is not their reality. You know.
Someone said, oh, my twenties was so amazing that I
was single and living it up, And I guarantee you
that moments of loneliness and boredom and sadness and um
feeling that they were missing out on someone who found love.
So I'm like, yeah, I mean, I don't envy my
friends that are still single and trying to find someone,
(16:01):
because they all are. I'm sure most of them don't
want to end up single. The rest of their lives.
Do most of them? I think some of them probably
will only because they can. I don't know, it's a
different story. I'll call back in. Well. I hope that
helps a little bit. But it sounds like you have
a good thing going on. Don't compare to your friends.
Just live in your live your moment. This helped so much.
(16:23):
Thank you so much, seriously, you really help. Okay, good,
I have a good one. Oh my gosh, thank you
you too. Thank you so much. Laura. Hi are you yeah?
Eric Winter here? Hi? I'm good. How are you? I'm
doing great? So what do you have for me? I'm
curious what question you have? Okay, So I think this
(16:46):
is probably the most important question you're going to get today.
So I'm I'm in my mid thirties, right, Um, I
am single, and I am looking for a long term partner.
So a lot of my friends they've found some guys
who are divorced. Uh. Some of those guys have kids,
some of them don't. But anyways, my friends always tell
me to find a divorced man because he knows how
(17:09):
to commit, you know. So what's how what it takes
to make a marriage work? Um? And I'm not sure
how I feel about it, and I wanted to ask you,
do you believe in that notion that you need to
find a divorced man because of the agent, Yes, at
which you are and you're single. Yes, I completely disagree
that you have to find that. I think you just
got to find the right person. Um, I think you
(17:32):
have to find the right person. I don't care if
they were divorced or you know, if they've ever been married.
I mean, I think as you're meeting people, if you
if you find someone that's like, you know, he's never
been in a long term relationship before, that might be
something that you're like, Okay, that's interesting. You know. I'm
not saying I would red flag it immediately, but the
fact that they've never been able to sustain a relationship
could be something that I wouldn't waste time on. But
(17:54):
if they're great, you maybe you're that one. Maybe you're
that person that they're gonna build their first long term
relationship with. UM. But I would never gauge it just
on the fact that you're in your thirties and your
you need the people that are divorced and I'm I
was divorced, you know, once before I got married a
second time. I would never say that a person that
(18:15):
has been divorced knows how to commit, because they'd so
who's to say that they don't want to commit again?
You know, someone who has a clean slate might be
the right person that's never been married that is looking
to commit for the first time long term. Um, you know,
I just think one thing that happens is the older
you get, no matter what. And I say this in
(18:37):
the in the in the the most honest but polite
way to anybody, is that, yeah, the older people get
yourself or anybody else, the more bad I say baggage
in the nicest way, But the more things that accumulate
in a person's past, right, so I I feel like
holding them to certain standards or certain like looking for
that golden egg all the time and saying I'm going
to find the perfect match. The later you get in life,
(18:58):
it's harder because everybody comes with a history, and the
older they are, the bigger that history is. Whether um,
that might be past divorces or it might be you know,
meeting somebody who has kids and they're that's never considered
you know, baggage in my mind. But it's something you
have to consider. You have to take on Do I
want to be a step parent? Do I not want
to be a stepparent? You know? Those are those are
real things to consider. So the older I think you get,
(19:21):
you always have to just not lower your standards by
any means, but just be more accepting of what people
bring to the table, because it's different than in your twenties,
when it's everybody's kind of experiencing things for the first
time or fresh out of high school early college. Everybody's
just being Yeah, you're the young and dumb, you know,
and just having fun, and there's very little things other
than just figuring themselves out. Yes, this makes sense. I'm
(19:44):
so glad you said that because that's kind of how
I feel about it too. But they've been insisting that
I have to find somebody, So I'm going to tell
them that. Eric Winter says that just find the right person. Yeah,
it doesn't matter. They've been and you and I truly
think how do they What makes them think that person
is ready to commit? If they just got out of
a marriage, they might be the farthest thing from somebody
(20:05):
that wants to commit. Yeah that makes sense. Yeah, no,
you you're gonna You're gonna find the right one. Just
keep keep your standards, you know where you want them.
Don't settle, but just be accepting of people and the
right the right match. What will happen. Don't force it. Yeah, okay, great,
thank you for sure. So what you got from Michelle?
(20:31):
My husband and I have been together like ten years
and we have two little kids. Um, our daughter is
nine and our son is seven, and I guess I
need advice on dealing with our son. Um, he's just
at that age where he is super defiant and which
I say that, and I'm like, well, all kids are,
(20:52):
but he's he's definitely into his technology. So we've been
kind of using that too as an incentive for good behavior.
But it's just not working. Like he's said, shut up
to us. He's just we're just not used to this energy.
I don't know if it's boy energy or what, but
it's you know, causing a lot of attention in our home.
(21:14):
Like we all kind of feel held hostage by his behavior.
So I'm just seeking advice, like how how we can
do better with him and with each other all of it. Yeah, no,
I hear you mean, first of all, look, congrats and
being married ten years, having two kids, those are all
wonderful things. Um. You know, I can relate in a
lot of way. Listen, I have my my firstborn is
(21:34):
a is a very very strong little girl, um, and
is at that sort of pre pubescent age where you
know she's fighting back. Everything's a no, everything's talking back. Um.
She hasn't said shut up that I would lose my
mind if she said that to me. But she's getting
(21:55):
to the point where she is she's testing the boundaries, right,
She's pushing, pushing, pushing, So I can fully relate. I
think you said he's seven old. Yeah, so I mean
it's gonna I would Listen, I'm not want to ever
tell anyone how to parent because I feel like every
kid is so different and I and I definitely don't
have it mastered myself by any means. Um. But people
(22:19):
have said to me before, like, if that behavior doesn't
get sort of nipped in the bud early enough, it's
just going to continue to get worse and worse and worse,
and then you get into the teen years and it's
gonna be out of control, which I'm already afraid of
for my daughter. Um, as well. But I think using
you know, finding the things that are the most important
to him, which we've been trying to do with My
daughter too, is super super strong, right I I take
(22:41):
away the television, I take away technology, I take away
the things that she really loves. I remember when my
daughter was and I'll tell you a funny story, when
she was maybe seven, maybe a little even younger than seven,
and she's so strong, and she'd be in trouble and say,
that's it, we're taking away your toys and she's like crying.
She's like, fine, let me help you pack them up
as she's crying. So she didn't really care that I
(23:01):
was taking him away, but she was upset that I
was mad at her, but she was still helping me
get rid of the toys. So it was it was
again showing her defiance, right. Um, with him, have you
noticed that he gets a react? You get a reaction
out of him? Um, when you take away technology? Does
he actually listen for that moment? Times? But I kind
(23:23):
of feel like you said that, it was kind of
a light bulb where I feel like he's reacting more
to us, like losing our minds, like being at our limit. Yeah,
he wants to get the rise out of you. We
don't really do it. Until you just said that, I
was like, oh man, he actually knows the expectation. Maybe
(23:46):
we just kind of react. I don't know. I mean,
he doesn't. He definitely feels the pain. But I feel like,
is that he finally react notary the technology because he
knows he's going to go. He knows he's gonna what.
He knows he's going to get it back eventually. So
(24:09):
but maybe he won't. Maybe he won't get it better.
That's gotta be That's gotta be your line, right, if
that's the one strength that you know you have in
a situation. Look, you know, I grew up. I grew
up at a time where I just got spanked and
I got smacked and I was like, hey, you don't
do this, and I got a spanking and I never
talked back. Now, I know times you're different now, right,
But there mean, and that's why I like that shut
(24:31):
up is so upsetting because it's like where do we
go from here? Because we don't smack our kids and
we won't smack our kids and that kind of like
oh my gosh, Like what now he's like going out
to the world and being this horrible person. Exactly. No,
And I'm sure outside of the house he probably acts
much better than he does at home. At least that's
the case with a lot of my daughter and kids.
(24:52):
And I was told once by somebody, then you know
you're doing the right thing because at least your child
is respectful to adults outside of the home. Their job
is to challenge you, their job is to push you.
And um and and like you you know, I we
have never spanked our kids. I have not gone down
that path, even though that's how I was sort of
brought up. And I think a child having that sort
of hint of fear I would call it, or respect
(25:15):
more importantly, for their parents is the most important factor.
Like you know, we're not here to be their best friends,
even though we want to be. They need to respect
us first, and we're here to teach them and be
their parents. If technology is the one thing I think
that you know you're going to have a handle on
over him that I think, don't engage in the fights
anymore or the arguments. I think take away that take
(25:37):
away his vice. Take away whatever it is is TV
is the technology, whatever the case may be. His sister
is obviously gonna still get what she gets, and he's
going to have to live without that for a long
period of time. And until you see the behavior turn,
let him know he is never getting it back. I
(25:58):
remember when I first started driving, I got a ticket
when I was sixteen. Right, key's got taken away. Didn't
get the ticket, he didn't get the keys back for
a long time. I learned my lesson. So take it away.
He he might think he's getting a back. Nope, it's
gonna go locked away, put in a cupboard, whatever. It
might be a month before he sees it again, unless
he needs it for school. Then he uses it for
those things, but he's not getting it for anything else.
(26:18):
As long as it takes until it sets in that
you that you two are in control, not him. That's
the biggest factor, right He he thinks that he's in control,
and he's pushing that pecking order against your husband, against you.
He's trying to make sure he's the alpha, and he's
got to understand that you're not the alpha. We're the
alpha's and we're on the same page. And whatever you say,
(26:40):
your husband has to agree with. Whatever he says. You
have to agree with. And you guys have to be
a united front in front of him so that he
never sees that he can play you against each other
and whatever it is, take it away and he does
not get it, and just keep taking things away. If
I remember I got grounded as a kid, I didn't
see my friends for two weeks. I couldn't play with
the name my myst friend who was my neighbor. You know,
(27:01):
I couldn't come out. I'd be in my room. Go
back to old school where you just make them write
down on a piece of paper a hundred times. I
will not say shut up to my parents again a
hundred times. Make him write those sentences. Just do things
like that. And if he says no, I'm not going
to do that, and say, well okay, then I guess
you are never getting your PlayStation or you're never getting
(27:21):
your computer back. I guess you just won't get it.
That's it. I mean, you have to find what your
leverage is. Just have to hold the line. I got.
You have to hold the line. You have to he
has to understand that you two are in control no
matter what. I really appreciate you taking the time and
the validation, just being able to talk to another parent
(27:42):
about it is so helpful too. I'm happy to try
to help however I could. I it's not easy. Being
a parent is the most rewarding, the most challenging thing
in the world. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Well, thank
you so much, no problem, all the best you guys.
I hope it works out. Thank you. I appreciate it. Okay,
(28:03):
take care. Bye. Hi, this is a how are you
and how are you doing good? Thanks for having me on.
Thank you for being here. I can't wait to hear
what you what you have to ask? Yeah, okay. So
I was seeing this guy a few years ago and
we ended things because he didn't want to commit like
so many other men. Um and we've now reconnected actually
(28:28):
um lo and behold on Instagram. Uh. We went out
and we had a great time, and he's fully pursuing
me again, saying that he wants a relationship with me,
and you know, he thinks that it can be different
this time. And we were so good last time, and
(28:51):
now look how great it is now, all of that stuff.
But you know, I'm a little bit hesitant because of
what had ended up happening before. Like I wanted to
take it Further, I wanted long term commitment and he
just couldn't. So I'm torn because you know, I think
timing is everything, and maybe it just wasn't the right
(29:11):
timing a couple of years ago, and now the timing
is right. But at the same time, I'm cautious. So
I'm wondering, you know, do you believe in second chances?
I think in a situation like this, and I don't know,
you guys didn't break up for any other reason other
than he was honest about I'm not ready to fully
(29:31):
like commit long term. Right. There was no cheating, There
was no other like major issue, right. It was just that, Yeah,
that's right, that's right. No, No, not no other issues.
It was just, you know, I had to be serious
with myself and I had to be truthful and know
what I wanted and he didn't want that serious. And
how long ago was that? It was about three years ago? Okay,
(29:52):
I mean this is what I would I would say,
and I don't obviously I don't know him, um, and
you're going to have to trust your judge of character,
but I think anybody's I first of all, I respect
his honesty three years ago to be able to tell
you I'm not I'm not at the same place you are,
and I'm not ready to commit. You have to respect that,
(30:13):
because it would have been way worse had he faked it,
went down the path of, like, you know, trying to
force a long term serious relationship having cheated or having
just broken your heart even later down the road, because
you were all in and he wasn't all in, whatever
the case may be, right, So you gotta respect his
honesty upfront. And I think you, assuming he's a good guy,
(30:34):
and I trust that you're a good judge of character,
you have to I think give him the benefit of
the doubt that for three years is a good period
of growth for somebody to realize maybe the grass wasn't greener.
I you know, I did whatever I needed to do.
This is someone I really did enjoy and I let
it go. And you've been cool enough now to give
(30:56):
him a second chance. I totally think cautious is a
good word in a good place for you to be
at in the start of it. But I think if
he's proving himself to you as being sort of a
different person now, someone who's ready to commit and take
those next steps, I don't see anything wrong with giving
him that opportunity because he he did right by you before.
(31:20):
He was honest. He was honest, and there are a
lot of people that wouldn't be No, it would be
so much easier to string you along or just to
fool around and then fool around on the side or
what you know, it's to be honest is really tough
in a situation like that, because he he doesn't want
to hurt your feelings, but he respected you enough to
tell you the truth. And you know you clearly had
(31:41):
something good because why would you have even given him
an opportunity to get back into your life via via Instagram?
So clearly you enjoyed your time with him and he
sounds like he's a good guy, or you have fun
with him at least, so you've let him back in.
You gotta if you don't have to do anything. But
if you've let him back in and you're having fun
(32:03):
and you think there could be something cool again, you
know to to dig deeper on why why hold him
accountable for something he did right by you in the past.
He didn't do anything wrong. He just said he wasn't ready.
That's true, So I I I'll go for it. Yeah. Yeah,
And but cautious is good. How long have you been
(32:24):
dating now for the second time around? Oh recent, It's
only been a little bit, yea, So so cautious is good.
Be cautious, you know what I mean. Give him, give
him the benefit of the doubt. Obviously, your guard is up.
That's understandable. There's nothing wrong with you having that position.
I think, I think, have your guard up, but don't
make it a brick wall, you know, make it a
(32:45):
wooden wall that you can slowly take down a little
easier if you want to. You know, I just I
don't think he uh, he should be punished for being
honest three years ago. That is a very valid point.
I appreciate your insight that that is helpful. I And
you're right, you know, I need to give him that credit.
(33:06):
And that is very I needed to look at it
that way. So I appreciate that. And here's the cool thing.
You're You're in the driver's seat now. Yeah, he's pursuing you.
He's told you he wants to you know, he wants
something more. He's telling you. I wasn't ready before, but
now I am. The great part about all this is
you're in the driver's seat, So you get to dictate
(33:27):
the terms. You get to pace it, you get to
decide when is too much, too fast? How you get
to control it all. If he's in it for the
long haul, you know, make him work a little bit,
he'll prove himself. I love it. Well, thank you, thank
you so much. I really appreciate it for sure. Glad
I could hop all right by Hi, Eric, Hello, how
(33:50):
are you? Thanks to you. I'm doing good. I'm doing
all right. What fun? What fun question do you have
for me? Okay? So I am a Mexican American UM
and my boyfriend he's Asian American, and um, well, I'm
nervous because I already told them about him. It's kind
(34:13):
of like the one of the first boyfriends that I
talked about. But your family you're talking about. You've told
your family, yeah, and it's going pretty well. But my
family's kind of very traditional and about our culture, you know,
and so they always wanted me to date like another Latino. UM.
So I want some advice on like a cross cultural
(34:38):
you know, like relationships. How to handle it with my
parents when they have like different expectations about who should
I date in regards of who. This is a tough
one only because I don't obviously know how set your
parents are in their ways. Um all you know, I
(35:01):
would say I call it old school parenting right where
the parents have this expectation of what their what their child,
who their child needs to date, how it needs to be.
Staying within the same race or culture, UM is tough.
I'm I'm assuming that your parents want what is best
for you. They want you to be happy first and foremost,
above and beyond cultural differences. So if if I'm right
(35:26):
in saying that, then I think expressing the happiness that
this other person brings you is would be the first
step in what I would approach how I approach my
my family right that that's more important than anything else.
And then the only other thing that matters the most
of me. And obviously I'm in a you know, my
cultural relationship right my um my wife is Puerto Rican.
(35:47):
I'm I'm a white guy, but I did grow up
in La Planta. I grew up in a very Mexican
neighborhood where I dated a lot of Latina's. My whole
most my whole life, I did Latina. Um one thing
I always had and hopefully the you're dating has this
you know in him, and you do for him his
culture as well. As I love um my wife's culture,
I embraced her culture. I wanted to know more about it.
(36:10):
You know, when I first went to Puerto Rico, I
was the one that wanted to go sight see and
learn about the island and learn about her culture. So
if he has that for your culture and you have
that for his culture, that I think that's another amazing
point to bring up to your family that not only
does he make you happy, but he loves your Mexican American,
you know, heritage. He wants to know more about it,
(36:31):
he wants to embrace it. He wants um to be
a part of your family in that way. And if
he if you also have that for his family, because
he may have traditional parents as well, then that's a
lion you have to navigate to. I think you both
have to embrace each other's um cultural differences and and
shine a light on them in the most positive way.
And if you can do that, then I think, then
(36:53):
what's the Then that to me, there's no big deal,
there's no problem. The only time I'd ever have an
issue if my daughter being half Puerto Rican and you know,
was to date a guy that was let's say, just
a you know, a whit, a white guy, and he
never wanted to embrace her Puerto Rican heritage. Um, I'd
have a huge problem with that. If he didn't just
accept it or embrace it or want to um celebrate it,
(37:18):
then I'd have a problem. But if that's not the
guy you have, and he's interested in you and who
you are and where you come from, then I think
you should use that with your family, you know, because
that celebrates that, that celebrates your heritage. So at the
same time, yes, you didn't, you didn't end up with
a Mexican American, but you ended up with somebody who
appreciate your culture, um, your heritage and also makes you happy,
(37:41):
which I'm like I said, I'm hoping is what matters
the most in your family is they want you to
be happy. Yeah. I think so, because it'd be worse
if you were dating a guy that was Mexican American
but you were unhappy. That would be way worse in
my opinion. Yeah, totally. No, he's a very nice guy,
and yeah, he totally wants to know more so that
(38:01):
that That's how I feel like I had approached my
family in that situation and try to warm them up
to it, and then, uh, you know, he'll have some
pressure on him when he goes to meet them for
the first time, and or maybe he's already has he
met them. Uh no, he just threw a FaceTime my mom. Okay, okay,
I mean you and your mom was cool. He was nice. Yeah,
(38:24):
So then they're then they're already warming up to the fact.
If they were just like, no, we don't care, he's
not Mexican American, then I'd see you have a much
bigger battle ahead of you. But he's just gotta win
over mom. He hasn't put in a little extra work,
which is okay, yeah, okay, okay, okay, thank you so much. Sure,
(38:45):
I hope that helps a little bit. Okay, take care,
bye bye. All right, Well, thank you to all of
the callers and everybody who wrote in. This was a
lot of fun um hosting how men think. I hope
(39:07):
I helped answer some difficult questions and uh you know,
I even learned a little something. Listening to everyone's questions
for me made me think deep. So thank you for
having me, and uh, please check out the rookie on
ABC and make sure you are listening to our podcast,
he said, a yado. We talk a lot about relationships,
(39:29):
all right, take care everybody. This is how men think.
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