June 3, 2022 • 25 mins
The "Handsome Man" is taking over How Men Think.
Kristoffer Polaha is an actor, producer, author, husband, and father.
You know Kristoffer from Life Unexpected, the upcoming Jurassic World Dominion and of course Wonder Woman 1984.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
We're taking you inside the mind of a man. This
is How Men Thick and I Heard radio podcast. Hi everyone,
I'm Christopher Palaha. You may know me from Lifetime, is
Buried in Barstow, or Hallmark Christmas Movies, Life, Unexpected, Ringer,
North Shore, Wonder Woman, The Upcoming Draftic World Dominion, and
I am so happy to be guest hosting How Men
(00:22):
Think and answer all your questions and trying to help
you understand how men think. But first, this is eleven
Questions with Christopher Palaha. Let's get into it. One. What
are you known for? Tell us about yourself. Um, I
think I'm known for I'm obviously I'm an actor, so
I think I'm known for being an actor. But I
(00:43):
think more than that, I'm known for being a kind
of a family man. I'm married. My wife and I
have been married for nineteen years. Going. Uh, actually we're
celebrating our nineteenth anniversary this week, and we have three beautiful,
healthy boys who are now men basically. Um. But but
(01:03):
aside from that producing a family, I've been I've been
making TV shows and movies for the past twenty one years.
I just got into directing so I can call myself
a filmmaker. So that's kind of a bit about myself.
Um So who are you in your personal life? Um?
Who I am in my personal life is very similar
(01:25):
to who I am in my public life. Um. I
am pretty patient person. I would have to call myself
a kind person. I'm a person who's pretty slow to anger.
I don't really lose my cool. Um, I do have
(01:46):
different hats that I have to wear. Like as an actor,
I I live in a world where, uh, I am
a celebrity to some people, and I get, you know,
lifted up into the stratosphere of social sort of significance
that that my job affords me, but that I don't
do anything about personally. So I think in the sense
(02:07):
that there's an exterior you know, sort of in the
market place life where I'm in the public space and
I'm moving about and then I get to just lose
all that energy when I'm home with my wife and kids.
Um So there's a bit of a dichotomy. There three
shows that I'm currently binge watching. All right, my wife
(02:28):
and I like to at the end of the day,
kids are in bed, homework has done, all the house
chores are finished. We get to we get about an
hour and a half every night. UM, on a really
good day for her, I will rub her feet and
we will watch shows. We've Bnged Dope Sick, which is
incredible starring Michael Keaton, We Crashed and Half Away and
(02:51):
Jared Leto and Drop Out with Amanda Secrety. Those are
things that Those are literally the last three shows that
we've just been watched. UM alright, Question number four, what
is my favorite food? You know what, I used to
be fancy about my favorite foods, but I gotta be
honest with you. My favorite food is a good old
(03:12):
fashioned cheeseburger. I like cheeseburger from shake Shack. I like
the cheeseburger from a place called Laurel tavern in the valley.
And I was just in France and I asked for
cheeseburgers and people made fun of me, and it was
the They were the best cheeseburgers I've ever had in
my life. Like the meat was so tasty and good.
And so I think cheeseburgers to safe bet. Anywhere you go,
(03:34):
you get a good one. Number five, tell us about
your career. When my career is been really blessed and good.
I've had twenty one years of affording my life by
only acting. I've only ever been an actor. I've never
had to do other jobs to make it, so in
(03:54):
that way, it's been really blessed. And I've also been
the kind of actor where I can go to the
growth True store and shop with my kids and not
be bombarded. I've been with some people who, Um, I
worked with a guy who was really famous, and everywhere
we went, i mean we're talking like the hot We're
talking the you know, anywhere we went, like anywhere everywhere,
(04:20):
people were like, Hey, you're so and so from that
so and so thing. And I asked him when I
was like, how does that feel like when you're with
your family? And he's like, oh, it's crazy, man. He's like,
I'm always kind of having the And I've watched intense
scrutiny that that fame brings, and um, I've been saved
from that at least all my kids have been young.
And so I've had this really cool thing where I've
(04:41):
been able to be a father, able to be a husband,
able to be a provider, and still have probably one
of the best jobs in the world, which is, you know,
pretending to be other people and entertaining people and getting
to make people laugh and cry. My career has included
television and film, and recently, UM, I got into co
writing a romance series called Moments Like It's called from
(05:01):
ConA with Love. But um their books and the first
one which has been published and is out and available
right now, it's called Moments Like This. And the second
book will be available at Barnes and Nobles and everywhere
the books are sold October eleventh. That's called Where's Roses?
And we're gonna write three more in the series, so
it'll be a total of five books. And these are romance.
(05:24):
This is the romance. There's a family saga that all
takes place on the Hawaiian Islands, so each book is
a different island. And we're turning the first book into
a movie. Um yeah, And I just recently got into directing.
I did a short film called The Work of Art
that was just screened to canned film festivals. So exciting,
fun stuff. Um. Number six, what is my biggest fear
(05:47):
in life? Oh? What is my biggest fear? Man? It's
not it's losing people. It's it's the death of people
that I love. That's my biggest fear. And I think
the best way to describe that fear for you is that, Um,
(06:10):
when I was a boy, I would weep hot tears
every time my mom or my dad left, whether they
dropped me off at Little League or they bringing home
from school and they had to run an errand real quick,
I would start to cry because I was terrified and
convinced that they were going to die in a terrible
carrect and then that was it. And the only way
(06:32):
that I was able to overcome that was to say, like,
in my mind, visualize, well what next. Okay, so they
die and then what happens, and then what happens, and
then what happens, and see their death all the way
through um to the end. And I think that would
be I think my biggest fear. And then the problem
with that fear is, unlike the fear of spiders or
(06:52):
heights or sharks or inevitably, it's going to come to
pass for me on every level. So that's I think
it's a it's a constant awareness of that. Um. Okay,
number seven, what is my biggest pet peve? My biggest
pet peeves probably rude people market, you know, like at
the grocery store people who cut you off in traffic.
We take some minutes to recalibrate and not get angry. Um.
(07:14):
What makes me most happy? My wife and my kids
make me most happy just being able to hear them laugh,
be around them. You know that's always the best any
time with them. What is your idea Saturday morning? Well
goes back to number eight. Most happy? Uh, my wife
and I'll be sleeping and our kids will just dogpile
us and we'll all just be laying in bed in
(07:36):
that moment where there's nothing to do and you don't
have to get up. There's no there's no school to
drive anyone to, no work to do, and it's like
a perfect Saturday morning. Number ten, Are you more of
the athlete for the armchair quarterback? I'm like more of
the athlete. I like to run a lot. I'm very active.
I ski. Um Like every time I go to a
(07:58):
new city, the best way around it is to job
early in the morning. Um. So I think the athlete
And then what keeps you elevated? Um? I have a
lot of goals that I've set for myself, and I
feel like until I can meet those, uh, that keeps
me motivated. There's stories that I want to tell. There
are things I want to accomplish as an artist. Um,
(08:21):
there are things I want to accomplish, you know, financially,
and I want to see my kids, you know, go
up and grow up and do well. And so those
things keep me motivated. Hi, Eli, Hi, how are you?
(08:42):
I'm great? How are you doing the day? Very well?
Thank you good. Do you have a question about how
men think? Well, I'm single, I'm trying to get out
there in real life and rather than relate relying on
dating apps. Do you think it's strange to me a
girl out a loan or a bar? I mean, I
think it depends on the bar. I think it depends
(09:05):
on the night. I think it depends on the time
and night. Um. I think there's a lot of you know,
things you got to weigh into that question. But no,
I think a bar is a social It's a it's
a town. It's a public meeting place. It's where people
go to, you know, to have a drink and to
talk to other human beings. I think that's what bars
were designed for. You know. I'm I'm I'm of a
(09:27):
certain age. I'm forty five, and so the whole thing
of meeting people online was always in an anthema to me,
Like I never thought about using the internet to meet anybody.
So there's a whole generation of people where that's the normal,
you know, status quote. But it used to be you
had to go to church, you meet single people at church.
You went to a bar and you single, you know,
or you go jogging or any public place. So I
(09:48):
don't think it's weird at all. Okay, I just didn't
know if that looks kind of tacky. But you know,
there's not too many routes unless you're going to go
on online dating, which I was trying to avoid. So
I appreciate these. Thank you. I mean, I think if
you sip, if you sit modestly throughout the course of
the evening, you know, if you're like ten drinks in,
it might be a little uh might say something about
(10:10):
it fair enough? Thank you? Hi, Amy, How are you?
I'm doing good? How are you doing great? Thank you?
So what's your question? Okay, So my boyfriend and I
decided to abstain before marriage, and we've had this agreement
(10:31):
for about five years. But lately I've had a change
of heart and I'm just wondering if maybe we need
to see where a good fit before we get married.
So I don't know how to bring this up to him. Wow, Okay,
first off, let's unpack the fact that it's been five years.
(10:53):
That's a long time. Um, are you guys engaged to
be married? Are you gonna get married? Are you? Yeah,
we're engaged. We're waiting, So it's we're not going to
marry in the next month. You know, we're planning, so right,
I mean, my first gut instinct is to say, you've
waited this long? You know, there's something like I think. Okay,
(11:16):
first off, are you have you abstained? Are both of
you virgins? Have you both substained your whole lives? Or
were you guys active prior to dating and then made
a choice after you started dating to sort of abstain?
Like where did the choice for purity come in? Um?
So not in my younger, younger years, but um, we
(11:40):
both converted and we decided that we were going to abstain. Yeah,
I mean, I think it's a really interesting conversation. I
think that if you are, like, for example, if you're
a Christian and you've made the decision to substain for
religious purposes. It's because you're in a relationship with God
inasmuch as you in a relationship with this other person
(12:01):
and you want God to have you know, you want
your relationship to you know, you want to have purity
in that, you want to have favor in that you
wanted to You want to be doing the things that
are that are right according to your faith, and so
that you can do things that are right according to
the to the faith within that relationship. Um. You know,
for example, my wife and I waited. She was a
(12:22):
virgin before we got married. I was not um but
when I met her, I made the decision to wait
with her. UM. And in a weird way, like when
you believe in God and when you like, I imagine,
did you guys are did you convert to Christianity? Is
that what you guys converted into? Okay? So, like when
you believe in the Christian narrative, all of a sudden
(12:43):
you believe that God really does have a personal interest
in all aspects of your life, and he cares about
your your sex, he cares about your health, he cares
about your relationships. And that's in in a relationship to Him,
to God, but also to each other scifically when you
bring Jesus into the conversation and how he loved people
and how we're supposed to love people like him. So
(13:06):
I think that I think that since you've waited, and
since your intentions are to get married, I would just
keep waiting, even though that's this idea of is he
going to be a good fit or not, because having
been somebody who didn't wait, Like I had a girlfriend
and we weren't awesome on the front end, but you
learned a kind of you learn to work with each
(13:28):
other and you know, like chemistry build chemistry, like there
isn't really a bad fit. And I think and I
think that's kind of where you know, you you walk
in faith and you say, you know, Lord of really
waiting for this person and hopefully your your sex life
is blessed. And I think that's a part of being
in a healthy marriage is you know, like figuring out
what that relationships looks like and and how often do
(13:51):
you do it? And and there's something about we live
in a world that's very very um it's not it's
not that it's confusing. It's confusing if you're a Christian
because you're looking around the landscape. You're going like wow,
like everything is wide open, but there's this God put
stop signs for humans because if you blast through the
(14:11):
stop signs and you start speeding, you could just get dangerous.
But it's dangerous for your heart, you know what I mean.
And so I think if you if you slow down
a little bit and you take it how it was
meant to be designed, which is it's I believe that
sex is like a taste of heaven. I believe it's
like it's intensely pleasurable, and God wanted us to be
designed that way, you know what I mean, so that
(14:32):
we can have this incredible experience while we're here on
earth before we die. And then and then you know,
if it's between a man and a woman, then you
get to make a baby hopefully, and you can start
your family. And there's all sorts of things that come
out of it. Um when we have sex just out
of sheer, you know, for sheer pleasure. I think what
you'll find ultimately, regardless of whether or not you ascribe
(14:56):
to the Christian narrative, if you're just a person, it's
like a drug. We burned through that and before you
know it, you need more and more, and you need different,
you need and so you kind of like and so
it does get a little dangerous. And I think that
you know, I don't know. I mean, that's my personal opinion.
You called the guy, you called this guy today to
ask this guy, so how this man thinks. I think
(15:18):
if you honestly waited five years, I also think you
should pretty quick. Like I think you guys should go
ahead and tie the knot thank you, I did not
wait to get married. But also look at like why
are you wanting to almost ask yourself the question like
why are you considering why do you think now after
five years you want to introduce sexity relationship? And is
(15:40):
it because you've hit a bump? Is it because you're
kind of like you're feeling it straight? And then maybe
that's a question you've got to ask yourself, like is
he the guy that you're supposed to be with? And
then what's beautiful about waiting is if he's not, then
the next person comes in. And if you guys are
both waited, then you you're still fresh for each other
and you're still yah. You know mean, I don't know,
(16:01):
I don't know. Should should I still bring it up?
To him and say like, hey, I've had these thoughts
and maybe it's something we need to look into, not
in terms of us having sex, people getting married, but
if it's something between us, Yeah, maybe, I mean, I
think it's I think it's always important to have a
really open dialogue with your significant other. I think that's
(16:21):
the best. That's the that's that's you know, a relationship
is all about conversation. It's about honest conversation and say like,
you know, I've been having this feeling. But I wonder
if it's because I'm wanting to like bridge something, or
I feel a gap and I'm trying to fill this gap,
or I feel you're slipping away, or I'm a little
I'm starting to slip away and I need more connected
(16:43):
to you, And you know, maybe that's where the heart
of it is. And maybe it's not about you know,
sex is fun, but it's it's ephemeral. It's quick, and
it's done, and it's then you're and then you're still
stuck with whatever, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah,
thank you so much. You're welcome, Ami, thanks for calling.
All right, thank you, Hi, Claire, welcome to the show.
(17:05):
Thank you so much. So did you call with a question?
I did? All right, what is your question, Clarience, Well,
my question is I have been married for ten going
on eleven years. Mary is great, thank you. I know, right,
I'm pretty I mean, I feel like in today's California
it's a huge moms to it's a big deal. Yeah. So,
(17:28):
and we are very happy and we have two amazing kids.
One is six and one is eight. And I am
feeling really frustrated right now because I feel, I feel
and I know, I know it's not just a feeling.
I know that I am always the disciplinary in My
husband always resorts to whatever your mom says, go ask
(17:51):
your mom? Did you talk to your mom? And I
need him in order for our kids to not see
us as good ca bad cop. I need him to
be more firm with the kids. But I don't want
to make him feel like he's not being a good parent,
because he is a good parent. So I would love
some advice on how to have that discussion with him without,
(18:13):
you know, making it sound like I'm the bad cop
and he's the good cop every time? Right, Claire, Yes,
you are your your your desire for for equity regarding
discipline is justified. Um, what's your husband's name? Is that
okay to ask him? Yeah, it's Thomas Thomas, so you'd say, hey, Tom,
Like I think, have you had the conversation with him about, Hey,
(18:37):
this feels unfair and you make me feel like the
bad cop and you get to be the good coup
Have you had that conversation yet? I've teetered around it,
but the couple of times I've brought it up, I
feel like he has been Like I think his reaction
is just, oh, you're overreacting. Oh, like that's not true. Like,
(18:59):
I think he's kind of in denial. I don't think
he really realizes that he does it as much as
he does. It's always go ask your mother, what did
your mother say? You know, what would your mother think?
Whatever your mother says? You know, And I don't. I mean,
I notice it. I think more because it's he's you know,
it's me. He's deflecting everything onto you. Yeah, okay, So
(19:19):
my wife does this wonderful thing where she goes on strike.
She's like, Okay, I'm just not gonna if you don't wanna,
you know, if you don't value the fact that I
do laundry, Like here, you do it for a week
and it really drives home the message pretty quick, or
I'm like, oh, I really do appreciate this, like this
is kind of amazing, or wow, you are really helpful
(19:39):
with the kids, or this. So I wonder what would
happen if you instead of Okay, so the conversation is
hard to have, and if he's not as receptive the conversation,
I wonder what would happen if you, for a period
of time, deliberately made the decision to just deflect all
of it onto Thomas and be like, whatever your father says,
you do what your father says, and then all and
like trump him in being the good cop. Basically, I
(20:02):
love this idea. Yeah, you know, it's not it's not
my issue, it's daddy's. Should talk to daddy about it
and like let him see what happens when you just
dump everything into his lab. You know, this might actually
work out well because my mom is coming into town
next week, so they'll be like two days where I'm
gonna be doing some things with her, and I think
I just won't be as available anyway to my kids.
(20:24):
So if I kind of couple that with you know,
for a few days kind of I like like this,
I like this, I like, Hey, Mom's going to be
in town. I'm gonna be super busy for the next
few days. I really need you to kind of take
take over daddy duty with the kids, you know, like
I need If you really want my opinion on this,
I think you should frontload it with this decision. So
(20:44):
like three days before your mom comes into town, I
would start to strike and then let the let a crescendo.
So when she's there, you're like, maybe I'm with my mom,
like I don't know what to do, Like I'm I'm
got So he's already feeling it by the time your
mom gets there. Oh my gosh, I love me. Thomas
is gonna be like you, son of a gun? Why
do you give her that advice? Here's what I'm gonna
say to you, the Claire Um. I know that relationships
(21:07):
are long term investments, and discipline is the most incredible
way to show love because we don't get to discipline
everybody in our lives. Like there's only a few people
that we get to discipline and who will listen to
us and chart and change the course of their lives.
And that input you're giving into your kids, Like even
though it's frustrating and it might feel unfair and I
(21:27):
might feel like you're always being the bad cop, it's
gonna bond you guys in a way that And truly
he's missing out on that experience. And so for him
as a man, like I wish I could talk to him,
because there's nothing like a father's love and you have
to be like a part of that love. The fullness
of that love is being able to speak into somebody
else's life and say, listen, for your own good, you
(21:49):
should stop doing this. But for the respect of the
relationship with your mother, you need to stop talking to
her like that. Or you've got to stop eating candy
because it's gonna hurt your body and your blood sugar
and you might get diabetes and sick. Like there's there's
he's missing out on a really essential part of being
a father. And I, you know, it's crazy you say that,
because my dad was very much a disciplinarian and I
(22:12):
hated it when I was younger, and I grew to
respect him so much, and I have such a close
relationship with both my parents. But like, but you know,
if my dad wasn't that way, I don't think I
would have respected him as much as I do now,
So that's a really And also talk to him though too,
because maybe, I mean, maybe he has really awful memories
of being you know, maybe what you don't know is
(22:34):
that his dad had a terrible temper or mom, I'm
at a terrible temper when he was really little, and
maybe he shell shot that doesn't want to trigger. So
maybe he you know, he's guarding your kids from a
terrible temper that we don't know about. Like I'm not
I'm not I'm not saying that, Thomas. I'm just saying,
look at it from every angle and say, why aren't
you doing that? Like why aren't you digging in? Because
it's it really is a part of parents that you know,
(22:57):
being a disciplinarian is a part of the job. And
it's it really is, like you know, like I can't imagine,
not like I just I like being able to say
hey guys and having my kids listen to me because
they're not my wife, you know, yeah, not afraid of respect? Right.
Should I talk to him before the strike, like try
(23:19):
to talk to him and then like pitch the strike
idea or say hey, listen, this is this is what
I think I really want to do. I think it's
going to help us. This is what's up, and kind
of do the strike and then after my mom leaves
kind of reconvenient, you know, like how is the last week,
how are the kids, how are you feeling? I kind
of like the strike idea. First it gets a sense
of what you really understanding, what you go through, and
(23:40):
like what you're dealing with. And then just talk to
him and say, can we unpack this together? Like what
are you afraid of? Why don't you like to you know?
Is it reflective of your childhood? Is it like? And
then say you know you're missing out on because it
really does. I think like there is something special about
being able to speak into somebody's life and correct in
the right way, you know, like it's it's a part
(24:03):
of it. Absolutely, this is great. I'm actually kind of
excited to almost do this experiment and kind of see
what happens. I do think when you don't have something,
you do learn how much you appreciate it. So I
think him not having me as the scapegoat for the week,
and I didn't mention, but we have two boys, so
I do think it's just so important for him to
(24:25):
be present in their lives as the disciplinarian. So I'm
all for this. I'll have to I feel like I
need to report back and let you know how I
was going to stay clear. I gotta find out some
some way. Well, we'll figure out. I want to hear
how it goes. We'll connect again. Thank you so much.
All right, clear booby you guys. This has been Christopher
(24:53):
Plah and has been my joy and pleasure guest hosting
How Men Think. I hope that I had some reasonably
good advice how people have been throwing their phones across
the room and disagreement. Um. Please be sure to check
out on Lifetime only on Lifetime Buried in Barstow and
if you miss it June four, Saturday night, you can
(25:16):
always stream it. And then of course you gotta look
for Wyatt Hotly and Jurassic World Dominion storming into theaters
worldwide June tenth until next time. This is How Men Think?
An I Heart Radio London audio production listen each Thursday
on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever
(25:36):
you get your podcasts.
We're taking you inside the mind of a man. This
is How Men Thick and I Heard radio podcast. Hi everyone,
I'm Christopher Palaha. You may know me from Lifetime, is
Buried in Barstow, or Hallmark Christmas Movies, Life, Unexpected, Ringer,
North Shore, Wonder Woman, The Upcoming Draftic World Dominion, and
I am so happy to be guest hosting How Men
(00:22):
Think and answer all your questions and trying to help
you understand how men think. But first, this is eleven
Questions with Christopher Palaha. Let's get into it. One. What
are you known for? Tell us about yourself. Um, I
think I'm known for I'm obviously I'm an actor, so
I think I'm known for being an actor. But I
(00:43):
think more than that, I'm known for being a kind
of a family man. I'm married. My wife and I
have been married for nineteen years. Going. Uh, actually we're
celebrating our nineteenth anniversary this week, and we have three beautiful,
healthy boys who are now men basically. Um. But but
(01:03):
aside from that producing a family, I've been I've been
making TV shows and movies for the past twenty one years.
I just got into directing so I can call myself
a filmmaker. So that's kind of a bit about myself.
Um So who are you in your personal life? Um?
Who I am in my personal life is very similar
(01:25):
to who I am in my public life. Um. I
am pretty patient person. I would have to call myself
a kind person. I'm a person who's pretty slow to anger.
I don't really lose my cool. Um, I do have
(01:46):
different hats that I have to wear. Like as an actor,
I I live in a world where, uh, I am
a celebrity to some people, and I get, you know,
lifted up into the stratosphere of social sort of significance
that that my job affords me, but that I don't
do anything about personally. So I think in the sense
(02:07):
that there's an exterior you know, sort of in the
market place life where I'm in the public space and
I'm moving about and then I get to just lose
all that energy when I'm home with my wife and kids.
Um So there's a bit of a dichotomy. There three
shows that I'm currently binge watching. All right, my wife
(02:28):
and I like to at the end of the day,
kids are in bed, homework has done, all the house
chores are finished. We get to we get about an
hour and a half every night. UM, on a really
good day for her, I will rub her feet and
we will watch shows. We've Bnged Dope Sick, which is
incredible starring Michael Keaton, We Crashed and Half Away and
(02:51):
Jared Leto and Drop Out with Amanda Secrety. Those are
things that Those are literally the last three shows that
we've just been watched. UM alright, Question number four, what
is my favorite food? You know what, I used to
be fancy about my favorite foods, but I gotta be
honest with you. My favorite food is a good old
(03:12):
fashioned cheeseburger. I like cheeseburger from shake Shack. I like
the cheeseburger from a place called Laurel tavern in the valley.
And I was just in France and I asked for
cheeseburgers and people made fun of me, and it was
the They were the best cheeseburgers I've ever had in
my life. Like the meat was so tasty and good.
And so I think cheeseburgers to safe bet. Anywhere you go,
(03:34):
you get a good one. Number five, tell us about
your career. When my career is been really blessed and good.
I've had twenty one years of affording my life by
only acting. I've only ever been an actor. I've never
had to do other jobs to make it, so in
(03:54):
that way, it's been really blessed. And I've also been
the kind of actor where I can go to the
growth True store and shop with my kids and not
be bombarded. I've been with some people who, Um, I
worked with a guy who was really famous, and everywhere
we went, i mean we're talking like the hot We're
talking the you know, anywhere we went, like anywhere everywhere,
(04:20):
people were like, Hey, you're so and so from that
so and so thing. And I asked him when I
was like, how does that feel like when you're with
your family? And he's like, oh, it's crazy, man. He's like,
I'm always kind of having the And I've watched intense
scrutiny that that fame brings, and um, I've been saved
from that at least all my kids have been young.
And so I've had this really cool thing where I've
(04:41):
been able to be a father, able to be a husband,
able to be a provider, and still have probably one
of the best jobs in the world, which is, you know,
pretending to be other people and entertaining people and getting
to make people laugh and cry. My career has included
television and film, and recently, UM, I got into co
writing a romance series called Moments Like It's called from
(05:01):
ConA with Love. But um their books and the first
one which has been published and is out and available
right now, it's called Moments Like This. And the second
book will be available at Barnes and Nobles and everywhere
the books are sold October eleventh. That's called Where's Roses?
And we're gonna write three more in the series, so
it'll be a total of five books. And these are romance.
(05:24):
This is the romance. There's a family saga that all
takes place on the Hawaiian Islands, so each book is
a different island. And we're turning the first book into
a movie. Um yeah, And I just recently got into directing.
I did a short film called The Work of Art
that was just screened to canned film festivals. So exciting,
fun stuff. Um. Number six, what is my biggest fear
(05:47):
in life? Oh? What is my biggest fear? Man? It's
not it's losing people. It's it's the death of people
that I love. That's my biggest fear. And I think
the best way to describe that fear for you is that, Um,
(06:10):
when I was a boy, I would weep hot tears
every time my mom or my dad left, whether they
dropped me off at Little League or they bringing home
from school and they had to run an errand real quick,
I would start to cry because I was terrified and
convinced that they were going to die in a terrible
carrect and then that was it. And the only way
(06:32):
that I was able to overcome that was to say, like,
in my mind, visualize, well what next. Okay, so they
die and then what happens, and then what happens, and
then what happens, and see their death all the way
through um to the end. And I think that would
be I think my biggest fear. And then the problem
with that fear is, unlike the fear of spiders or
(06:52):
heights or sharks or inevitably, it's going to come to
pass for me on every level. So that's I think
it's a it's a constant awareness of that. Um. Okay,
number seven, what is my biggest pet peve? My biggest
pet peeves probably rude people market, you know, like at
the grocery store people who cut you off in traffic.
We take some minutes to recalibrate and not get angry. Um.
(07:14):
What makes me most happy? My wife and my kids
make me most happy just being able to hear them laugh,
be around them. You know that's always the best any
time with them. What is your idea Saturday morning? Well
goes back to number eight. Most happy? Uh, my wife
and I'll be sleeping and our kids will just dogpile
us and we'll all just be laying in bed in
(07:36):
that moment where there's nothing to do and you don't
have to get up. There's no there's no school to
drive anyone to, no work to do, and it's like
a perfect Saturday morning. Number ten, Are you more of
the athlete for the armchair quarterback? I'm like more of
the athlete. I like to run a lot. I'm very active.
I ski. Um Like every time I go to a
(07:58):
new city, the best way around it is to job
early in the morning. Um. So I think the athlete
And then what keeps you elevated? Um? I have a
lot of goals that I've set for myself, and I
feel like until I can meet those, uh, that keeps
me motivated. There's stories that I want to tell. There
are things I want to accomplish as an artist. Um,
(08:21):
there are things I want to accomplish, you know, financially,
and I want to see my kids, you know, go
up and grow up and do well. And so those
things keep me motivated. Hi, Eli, Hi, how are you?
(08:42):
I'm great? How are you doing the day? Very well?
Thank you good. Do you have a question about how
men think? Well, I'm single, I'm trying to get out
there in real life and rather than relate relying on
dating apps. Do you think it's strange to me a
girl out a loan or a bar? I mean, I
think it depends on the bar. I think it depends
(09:05):
on the night. I think it depends on the time
and night. Um. I think there's a lot of you know,
things you got to weigh into that question. But no,
I think a bar is a social It's a it's
a town. It's a public meeting place. It's where people
go to, you know, to have a drink and to
talk to other human beings. I think that's what bars
were designed for. You know. I'm I'm I'm of a
(09:27):
certain age. I'm forty five, and so the whole thing
of meeting people online was always in an anthema to me,
Like I never thought about using the internet to meet anybody.
So there's a whole generation of people where that's the normal,
you know, status quote. But it used to be you
had to go to church, you meet single people at church.
You went to a bar and you single, you know,
or you go jogging or any public place. So I
(09:48):
don't think it's weird at all. Okay, I just didn't
know if that looks kind of tacky. But you know,
there's not too many routes unless you're going to go
on online dating, which I was trying to avoid. So
I appreciate these. Thank you. I mean, I think if
you sip, if you sit modestly throughout the course of
the evening, you know, if you're like ten drinks in,
it might be a little uh might say something about
(10:10):
it fair enough? Thank you? Hi, Amy, How are you?
I'm doing good? How are you doing great? Thank you?
So what's your question? Okay, So my boyfriend and I
decided to abstain before marriage, and we've had this agreement
(10:31):
for about five years. But lately I've had a change
of heart and I'm just wondering if maybe we need
to see where a good fit before we get married.
So I don't know how to bring this up to him. Wow, Okay,
first off, let's unpack the fact that it's been five years.
(10:53):
That's a long time. Um, are you guys engaged to
be married? Are you gonna get married? Are you? Yeah,
we're engaged. We're waiting, So it's we're not going to
marry in the next month. You know, we're planning, so right,
I mean, my first gut instinct is to say, you've
waited this long? You know, there's something like I think. Okay,
(11:16):
first off, are you have you abstained? Are both of
you virgins? Have you both substained your whole lives? Or
were you guys active prior to dating and then made
a choice after you started dating to sort of abstain?
Like where did the choice for purity come in? Um?
So not in my younger, younger years, but um, we
(11:40):
both converted and we decided that we were going to abstain. Yeah,
I mean, I think it's a really interesting conversation. I
think that if you are, like, for example, if you're
a Christian and you've made the decision to substain for
religious purposes. It's because you're in a relationship with God
inasmuch as you in a relationship with this other person
(12:01):
and you want God to have you know, you want
your relationship to you know, you want to have purity
in that, you want to have favor in that you
wanted to You want to be doing the things that
are that are right according to your faith, and so
that you can do things that are right according to
the to the faith within that relationship. Um. You know,
for example, my wife and I waited. She was a
(12:22):
virgin before we got married. I was not um but
when I met her, I made the decision to wait
with her. UM. And in a weird way, like when
you believe in God and when you like, I imagine,
did you guys are did you convert to Christianity? Is
that what you guys converted into? Okay? So, like when
you believe in the Christian narrative, all of a sudden
(12:43):
you believe that God really does have a personal interest
in all aspects of your life, and he cares about
your your sex, he cares about your health, he cares
about your relationships. And that's in in a relationship to Him,
to God, but also to each other scifically when you
bring Jesus into the conversation and how he loved people
and how we're supposed to love people like him. So
(13:06):
I think that I think that since you've waited, and
since your intentions are to get married, I would just
keep waiting, even though that's this idea of is he
going to be a good fit or not, because having
been somebody who didn't wait, Like I had a girlfriend
and we weren't awesome on the front end, but you
learned a kind of you learn to work with each
(13:28):
other and you know, like chemistry build chemistry, like there
isn't really a bad fit. And I think and I
think that's kind of where you know, you you walk
in faith and you say, you know, Lord of really
waiting for this person and hopefully your your sex life
is blessed. And I think that's a part of being
in a healthy marriage is you know, like figuring out
what that relationships looks like and and how often do
(13:51):
you do it? And and there's something about we live
in a world that's very very um it's not it's
not that it's confusing. It's confusing if you're a Christian
because you're looking around the landscape. You're going like wow,
like everything is wide open, but there's this God put
stop signs for humans because if you blast through the
(14:11):
stop signs and you start speeding, you could just get dangerous.
But it's dangerous for your heart, you know what I mean.
And so I think if you if you slow down
a little bit and you take it how it was
meant to be designed, which is it's I believe that
sex is like a taste of heaven. I believe it's
like it's intensely pleasurable, and God wanted us to be
designed that way, you know what I mean, so that
(14:32):
we can have this incredible experience while we're here on
earth before we die. And then and then you know,
if it's between a man and a woman, then you
get to make a baby hopefully, and you can start
your family. And there's all sorts of things that come
out of it. Um when we have sex just out
of sheer, you know, for sheer pleasure. I think what
you'll find ultimately, regardless of whether or not you ascribe
(14:56):
to the Christian narrative, if you're just a person, it's
like a drug. We burned through that and before you
know it, you need more and more, and you need different,
you need and so you kind of like and so
it does get a little dangerous. And I think that
you know, I don't know. I mean, that's my personal opinion.
You called the guy, you called this guy today to
ask this guy, so how this man thinks. I think
(15:18):
if you honestly waited five years, I also think you
should pretty quick. Like I think you guys should go
ahead and tie the knot thank you, I did not
wait to get married. But also look at like why
are you wanting to almost ask yourself the question like
why are you considering why do you think now after
five years you want to introduce sexity relationship? And is
(15:40):
it because you've hit a bump? Is it because you're
kind of like you're feeling it straight? And then maybe
that's a question you've got to ask yourself, like is
he the guy that you're supposed to be with? And
then what's beautiful about waiting is if he's not, then
the next person comes in. And if you guys are
both waited, then you you're still fresh for each other
and you're still yah. You know mean, I don't know,
(16:01):
I don't know. Should should I still bring it up?
To him and say like, hey, I've had these thoughts
and maybe it's something we need to look into, not
in terms of us having sex, people getting married, but
if it's something between us, Yeah, maybe, I mean, I
think it's I think it's always important to have a
really open dialogue with your significant other. I think that's
(16:21):
the best. That's the that's that's you know, a relationship
is all about conversation. It's about honest conversation and say like,
you know, I've been having this feeling. But I wonder
if it's because I'm wanting to like bridge something, or
I feel a gap and I'm trying to fill this gap,
or I feel you're slipping away, or I'm a little
I'm starting to slip away and I need more connected
(16:43):
to you, And you know, maybe that's where the heart
of it is. And maybe it's not about you know,
sex is fun, but it's it's ephemeral. It's quick, and
it's done, and it's then you're and then you're still
stuck with whatever, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah,
thank you so much. You're welcome, Ami, thanks for calling.
All right, thank you, Hi, Claire, welcome to the show.
(17:05):
Thank you so much. So did you call with a question?
I did? All right, what is your question, Clarience, Well,
my question is I have been married for ten going
on eleven years. Mary is great, thank you. I know, right,
I'm pretty I mean, I feel like in today's California
it's a huge moms to it's a big deal. Yeah. So,
(17:28):
and we are very happy and we have two amazing kids.
One is six and one is eight. And I am
feeling really frustrated right now because I feel, I feel
and I know, I know it's not just a feeling.
I know that I am always the disciplinary in My
husband always resorts to whatever your mom says, go ask
(17:51):
your mom? Did you talk to your mom? And I
need him in order for our kids to not see
us as good ca bad cop. I need him to
be more firm with the kids. But I don't want
to make him feel like he's not being a good parent,
because he is a good parent. So I would love
some advice on how to have that discussion with him without,
(18:13):
you know, making it sound like I'm the bad cop
and he's the good cop every time? Right, Claire, Yes,
you are your your your desire for for equity regarding
discipline is justified. Um, what's your husband's name? Is that
okay to ask him? Yeah, it's Thomas Thomas, so you'd say, hey, Tom,
Like I think, have you had the conversation with him about, Hey,
(18:37):
this feels unfair and you make me feel like the
bad cop and you get to be the good coup
Have you had that conversation yet? I've teetered around it,
but the couple of times I've brought it up, I
feel like he has been Like I think his reaction
is just, oh, you're overreacting. Oh, like that's not true. Like,
(18:59):
I think he's kind of in denial. I don't think
he really realizes that he does it as much as
he does. It's always go ask your mother, what did
your mother say? You know, what would your mother think?
Whatever your mother says? You know, And I don't. I mean,
I notice it. I think more because it's he's you know,
it's me. He's deflecting everything onto you. Yeah, okay, So
(19:19):
my wife does this wonderful thing where she goes on strike.
She's like, Okay, I'm just not gonna if you don't wanna,
you know, if you don't value the fact that I
do laundry, Like here, you do it for a week
and it really drives home the message pretty quick, or
I'm like, oh, I really do appreciate this, like this
is kind of amazing, or wow, you are really helpful
(19:39):
with the kids, or this. So I wonder what would
happen if you instead of Okay, so the conversation is
hard to have, and if he's not as receptive the conversation,
I wonder what would happen if you, for a period
of time, deliberately made the decision to just deflect all
of it onto Thomas and be like, whatever your father says,
you do what your father says, and then all and
like trump him in being the good cop. Basically, I
(20:02):
love this idea. Yeah, you know, it's not it's not
my issue, it's daddy's. Should talk to daddy about it
and like let him see what happens when you just
dump everything into his lab. You know, this might actually
work out well because my mom is coming into town
next week, so they'll be like two days where I'm
gonna be doing some things with her, and I think
I just won't be as available anyway to my kids.
(20:24):
So if I kind of couple that with you know,
for a few days kind of I like like this,
I like this, I like, Hey, Mom's going to be
in town. I'm gonna be super busy for the next
few days. I really need you to kind of take
take over daddy duty with the kids, you know, like
I need If you really want my opinion on this,
I think you should frontload it with this decision. So
(20:44):
like three days before your mom comes into town, I
would start to strike and then let the let a crescendo.
So when she's there, you're like, maybe I'm with my mom,
like I don't know what to do, Like I'm I'm
got So he's already feeling it by the time your
mom gets there. Oh my gosh, I love me. Thomas
is gonna be like you, son of a gun? Why
do you give her that advice? Here's what I'm gonna
say to you, the Claire Um. I know that relationships
(21:07):
are long term investments, and discipline is the most incredible
way to show love because we don't get to discipline
everybody in our lives. Like there's only a few people
that we get to discipline and who will listen to
us and chart and change the course of their lives.
And that input you're giving into your kids, Like even
though it's frustrating and it might feel unfair and I
(21:27):
might feel like you're always being the bad cop, it's
gonna bond you guys in a way that And truly
he's missing out on that experience. And so for him
as a man, like I wish I could talk to him,
because there's nothing like a father's love and you have
to be like a part of that love. The fullness
of that love is being able to speak into somebody
else's life and say, listen, for your own good, you
(21:49):
should stop doing this. But for the respect of the
relationship with your mother, you need to stop talking to
her like that. Or you've got to stop eating candy
because it's gonna hurt your body and your blood sugar
and you might get diabetes and sick. Like there's there's
he's missing out on a really essential part of being
a father. And I, you know, it's crazy you say that,
because my dad was very much a disciplinarian and I
(22:12):
hated it when I was younger, and I grew to
respect him so much, and I have such a close
relationship with both my parents. But like, but you know,
if my dad wasn't that way, I don't think I
would have respected him as much as I do now,
So that's a really And also talk to him though too,
because maybe, I mean, maybe he has really awful memories
of being you know, maybe what you don't know is
(22:34):
that his dad had a terrible temper or mom, I'm
at a terrible temper when he was really little, and
maybe he shell shot that doesn't want to trigger. So
maybe he you know, he's guarding your kids from a
terrible temper that we don't know about. Like I'm not
I'm not I'm not saying that, Thomas. I'm just saying,
look at it from every angle and say, why aren't
you doing that? Like why aren't you digging in? Because
it's it really is a part of parents that you know,
(22:57):
being a disciplinarian is a part of the job. And
it's it really is, like you know, like I can't imagine,
not like I just I like being able to say
hey guys and having my kids listen to me because
they're not my wife, you know, yeah, not afraid of respect? Right.
Should I talk to him before the strike, like try
(23:19):
to talk to him and then like pitch the strike
idea or say hey, listen, this is this is what
I think I really want to do. I think it's
going to help us. This is what's up, and kind
of do the strike and then after my mom leaves
kind of reconvenient, you know, like how is the last week,
how are the kids, how are you feeling? I kind
of like the strike idea. First it gets a sense
of what you really understanding, what you go through, and
(23:40):
like what you're dealing with. And then just talk to
him and say, can we unpack this together? Like what
are you afraid of? Why don't you like to you know?
Is it reflective of your childhood? Is it like? And
then say you know you're missing out on because it
really does. I think like there is something special about
being able to speak into somebody's life and correct in
the right way, you know, like it's it's a part
(24:03):
of it. Absolutely, this is great. I'm actually kind of
excited to almost do this experiment and kind of see
what happens. I do think when you don't have something,
you do learn how much you appreciate it. So I
think him not having me as the scapegoat for the week,
and I didn't mention, but we have two boys, so
I do think it's just so important for him to
(24:25):
be present in their lives as the disciplinarian. So I'm
all for this. I'll have to I feel like I
need to report back and let you know how I
was going to stay clear. I gotta find out some
some way. Well, we'll figure out. I want to hear
how it goes. We'll connect again. Thank you so much.
All right, clear booby you guys. This has been Christopher
(24:53):
Plah and has been my joy and pleasure guest hosting
How Men Think. I hope that I had some reasonably
good advice how people have been throwing their phones across
the room and disagreement. Um. Please be sure to check
out on Lifetime only on Lifetime Buried in Barstow and
if you miss it June four, Saturday night, you can
(25:16):
always stream it. And then of course you gotta look
for Wyatt Hotly and Jurassic World Dominion storming into theaters
worldwide June tenth until next time. This is How Men Think?
An I Heart Radio London audio production listen each Thursday
on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever
(25:36):
you get your podcasts.
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