With Valentine's Day on the horizon, the podcast this week is shifting to talk about love. Self-love, loving others, and all type of relationships. Love is the foundation that shapes our perspective, and regardless of your marital status — love can impact all aspects of your health and wellbeing.
Chatting on this today withThe New York Timesbestselling author Diego Perez, known to his 4+ million followers by the name Yung Pueblo. Diego shares with me the lessons he's learned within his marriage, highlights the red and green flags of dating, and his takeaways from writing his new book — out next month,How to Love Better.
IN THIS EPISODE
(7:50) Diego Perez talks about the importance of not postponing your own happiness because you’re waiting for a partner
(13:15) How to grow together within a relationship, while pursuing different paths for personal growth
(17:44) How to train and develop happiness
(18:30) Diego Perez talks about how to fight against the victim mindset
(20:14) How to set yourself up for tiny victories to achieve momentum
(24:12) When to apologize versus when to address a lack of communication within a relationship
(24:52) What's an emotional temperature check?
(34:50) How to navigate change and growth of the individual within the relationship
(42:30) How to figure out when friendships are working for you versus hurting you
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you don't have patience, you can build it. If
you don't have compassion, you can build it. If you
don't have peace, you can build it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Good morning, good afternoon, Good evening. Emily Body here. You
are listening to episode three hundred and forty two of Hurdle,
a wellness focused podcast where we talk to inspirational people
about everything from their highest ties and toughest moments to
essential tips on how to live a healthier, happier, more
motivated life. We all go through our fair share of hurdles.
(00:42):
My goal through these discussions is to empower you to
better navigate yours and move with intention, so that you
can stride towards your own big potential and of course
have some fun along the way. We are in the
season of love, my friends. One of the pieces of
feedback that came in through your messages and your emails
(01:03):
last week was that you love hearing about.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
All aspects of wellness.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
You are a holistic human, so as much as you
love the athlete interviews, you also love tips and tricks
from qualified experts, and that is exactly what I am
bringing you over the next few weeks. Today's conversation is
with the one and only Diego Perez. Many of you
know him as Young Pueblo, and in the spirit, like
(01:29):
I said, of love, we are talking about his best
practice tips for your relationships. Diego has a new book
coming out this month. It's called How to Love Better,
and that's exactly what our conversation is about. We are
talking not only about how to love better in terms
of partnership, whether you are single or attached, but also
(01:52):
how to love yourself better too. I know that a
lot of people roll their eyes when we get to
Valentine's Day each year, whether you are single or attached.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
I hear you.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
I know, Hallmark holiday, but it is a good time
for us to remember the importance of loving well and
how having love in your life can impact your overall
well being. In today's episode, Diego gives me the takeaways
that he has from his eight years of marriage thus far.
(02:25):
We also talk about his green and red flags or
dating and give a nod to the concept that at
the base of everything that we do, love is there,
and so it is up to each and every one
of us as individuals to decide how we want to love,
to decide how.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
We view love.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Knowing that our individual perspective shapes our reality. I love
this conversation. I could talk to Diego all day. He
is so calming.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Again.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
His book is coming out this month. It is called
how to Love Better, and I'm going to link it
in the show notes. Make sure if you're not yet
following along with Hurdle over on social you do that.
It's over at Hurdle podcast over on Instagram. We also
have a new daily subscriber channel in there. Each day
we're throwing in an inspirational quote as well as a
(03:15):
thought prompt to get your wheels turning first thing in
the morning.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Plus, Also, if you're not yet a.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Subscriber to the Weekly Hurdle newsletter, it's our substack that
comes out every single Friday with so much of the
same inspiration and motivation you love from Hurdle directly in
your inbox. And the best part is that it is
absolutely free. Now you will see that there is an
option to become a supporter of the newsletter. I encourage you,
(03:45):
if you love the Weekly Hurdle, think about becoming a
paid subscriber this week.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
With that, let's get to it. Let's get it's a
hurdling today.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
I am sitting down with Diego Perez. He is known
to many as Young Pueblo. He's a number one New
York Times bestselling author. He's got a new book coming out.
It's called How to Love Better, out next month.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
How are we doing.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
I'm doing really well and I'm so happy that we
get to chat. Thank you for having me on again.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Oh of course, it's a no brainer, especially right now.
You know, it's the time of love, Valentine's Day on
the horizon. We're thinking about self love, we're thinking about
love with other people.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
How is love, would you.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Say, most resounding in your life right now?
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Oh? My gosh, It's resounding in all the small little moments. Honestly,
It's like these moments where like my wife and I
we just right before it came on, we just sat
together to meditate for an hour, and then we finished
meditating and she turns over and she just looks at
me and just goes, I love you. And it's like
these tiny little things that keep building on that active care.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Active care.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And I love the sentiment of articulating, paying attention to
noticing the small things, because it's not always going to
show up every day way right, No.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
I think that's one of the big problems that we're
facing as a society is like this idea of love
as constant excitement and fun and we're chasing this high.
But in reality, I think love is going to have
ups and downs, just as it does, you know, when
you're on your own individual journey, Like every day is
not going to be a good day. And I think
(05:33):
we get scared of that. We get scared of the
down moments, and rightfully so, because we don't want to,
you know, end up in a super toxic or hurtful situation.
But you know, a lot of healthy relationships also have
down moments and that's.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Okay, yeah, including healthy relationships with ourselves, right And I
think that the ability and the recognition that we are
capable of finding small moments of joy, small moments of
love kind of like meeting yourself with where you're at totally.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I think that's like one of the biggest things too.
It's like understanding that the skills that you build to
meet yourself where you're at and to be able to
appreciate the sort of you know, your own emotional range
and like when you're literally feeling yourself going from happiness
to feeling a little tougher inside or feeling lighter inside.
(06:25):
You being able to hold space for your own emotions.
That's that direct compassion that you can then give to
your partner, because if you can't face your own emotions,
you're definitely not going to be able to face theirs.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
There are so many, so many benefits to love, feeling love.
When you feel love and cared for, it boosts your
immune system. It reduces the chance of things like catching
a cold. But bigger than that, love releases high levels
of dopamine. And so essentially what that means is it's
getting the rewards system within your body going, similar to
(06:58):
a euphoria that you could get from extras like drugs
or alcohol. So really love is the basis for allowing
you to feel better in your body.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Yeah, and that's and it's really important because I think
a lot of times when people who have been single
for a while and are really craving a relationship, they're
sort of unconsciously postponing their happiness and postponing that really
active self love that can awaken that dopamine and make
you more vibrant on the inside, whether you're with someone
(07:31):
or not. And that's something that I'm always trying to
tell people. It's like, just don't postpone your happiness, like,
because even when you're in a good relationship, if you
don't have that awareness over your own perception and your
own reaction, you can miss out on the deepest joy
and the sort of the deepest like sense of care
that you can get from a relationship because you have
(07:54):
something to work on within yourself. So whether you're by
yourself or another person, like, you have to activate your
happiness on your own.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Yeah, So what I'm hearing you say is you might
not be in a relationship with other people or another person,
but you have a foundational, important relationship all of the time,
and that relationship is with yourself.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Absolutely, You're always in relationship with yourself. That that's like
you're you know, you're never going to be able to
really fully escape yourself. You may try, you know, you
may keep like scrolling watching TV, but ultimately there are
going to be quiet moments where you have to face
yourself and you might as well be able to embrace
that with love and compassion as opposed to a version. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Yeah, Now, before we keep going on this, I've got
to know what was the inspiration to focus on this
specific topic for this new book.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
The inspiration was really like it came from like direct experience,
like I was when I started meditating and going to
these longer meditation retreats. I went in for my own
personal healing, like I went in because I knew that
I had big things to deal with, that I had
to overcome sadness, overcome anxiety, and not let them become,
(09:04):
you know, not let them be so dominant over my life,
because they were like taking over my life. And when
I started meditating, I was shocked because, Okay, one, I
was definitely feeling better and I could feel that my
mind was lighter. But I started immediately noticing that even
though I went in for my own healing, it started
(09:26):
elevating all of my relationships. I started noticing right away,
like when I was meditating, that my relationships were really superficial,
you know, with my wife, my girlfriend at the time
and my now wife, with my parents, with my friends,
like everything was very surface level. And that was because
I was afraid of myself, so I couldn't really offer
vulnerability to help deepen a connection. And as I started
(09:48):
changing through meditating, I was like, wait, like there is
a deep relationship here between your personal growth and how
you can show up in you know, with the people
that you love.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
That's really interesting is you acknowledging that you were with
your now wife then girlfriend before doing some of this work.
And I think that there's a challenge for many which
is this inability to grow with a partner or a
feeling that they are incapable of growing with a partner.
(10:20):
It's like, I have to do all of this work
before I'm prepared for the relationship. Why do you think
that your relationship withstood that growth period and how did
it make the two of you better?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Yeah, that's a great question. I think you know a
lot of people they want to enter into a relationship
with someone who like really has all their stuff together,
like really has you know, has gone to therapy, has
like helped themselves. But the reality is like you can
be someone who really deeply cares about your personal growth
and you still will have a ton of stuff to
(10:52):
work on. It's just such a long journey because none
of us are perfect. That's just the reality of it
is that we can try our best, but there are
still going to be gaps and blocks and things we
need to learn, especially when you are in relationship with
somebody like I can love you. And this is what
my wife and I went through where I felt the
love for her, she felt the love for me, but
(11:13):
we did not know how to care for each other
because we didn't have enough self awareness to see ourselves.
We didn't have enough emotional maturity to be able to
hold each other's emotions as we were going through arguments.
We didn't have this sort of emotional skill set to
be able to really, you know, love each other well.
And we had to learn that over time. And I
(11:34):
think honestly what kept us together was that we tried
to be a part. Like there were moments where we
would break up come back together, and we didn't really
know how to like have a nourishing relationship, but we
did know we wanted to be together, and we were
fortunate that we at the moment when we were really
at a crossroads, meditation came into our lives and we
(11:54):
started noticing that, oh, we're like handling our arguments a
little bit differently, We're projecting less onto each other. We're
much more vocal about the moments when our emotions change,
so that we're informing each other well, and we were
just like, you know, gleeful. We were so happy. We're like, wow,
this is this is amazing that that we you know,
(12:16):
can care for each other better now.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, and it's truly special that you and your partner
had a mutual interest in this work right in this
personal betterment getting involved in meditation. For some that may
see a bit of a disconnect with that, is there
a future for them to move forward together or not?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
No, totally, they can totally move forward together. I see
this happen a lot where people both care about their
personal growth, but the way that they go about their
growth is different. And I think that's something that we
have to be okay with Because you may have a
great partner and you may have so many things that
are so deeply aligned. Doesn't mean that you're going to
(13:01):
grow in the same way. That doesn't mean that you're
going to grow at the same speed. Like you know,
your partner may have a better time with listening than
you do, or they may have more patience than you do,
and you are realizing your lack in patients or listening
and you have to develop it over time. But you're
just not going to be like lockstep moving at the
same speed. And I've just seen a lot of great
(13:24):
relationships where you know, one person meditates, or another person
you know has a really serious therapy practice, or one
person meditates in the other it's just really into like
being in nature, or you know, just has something where
they're like actively not running away from their emotions. And
you'll see the commonality, like when you're in nature and
you're like allowing yourself to be there without a podcast,
(13:47):
or you're creating art, or you're journaling, or you know,
going to therapy, meditating a lot of these things, what
they have in common is that they're just helping you
be with yourself. And I think that's that's where the
power comes from.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
So foundationally, the only thing that's important is truly that
both of you have a desire to be better. It
doesn't mean that you need to do the same things
on that quest. You can be on parallel paths as
long as at the end of the path you come
back together to acknowledge that importance.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah, I think if both of you have the emotional
resilience to be accountable to yourselves and recognize when you're
making mistakes, and you have the fortitude to repair them.
Then you're going to be golden because we all go
into relationships with some form of pass hurt, some unconscious behavior,
(14:38):
you know, something where we could know ourselves better and
act better. But that is long, slow evolution, and I
think it's okay to you know, that's the reality of.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
Life now, before we go any further.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
There are people that are certainly they have their interest
piqued by what we're talking about, but foundationally maybe they're
a little bit u familiar with you and a little
unsure of why am I listening to this man about
love advice right now?
Speaker 3 (15:06):
So tell us a little bit.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Why is it that you are now looked to as
an expert when it comes to these topics.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, the key thing is like look to as an expert.
I don't know if I consider myself an expert. I
really think to myself as a as a student. I'm
not like a guru or anything like that. I'm just
someone who's here along, you know, walking the journey like
everybody else. I think the only thing that I've taken
seriously is my own personal development, and I've put so
(15:36):
many hours, Like literally, I did a account the other
day where I think I've meditated somewhere between twelve and
thirteen thousand hours, and like that's you know, it's a
good amount of time, but doesn't necessarily reflect wisdom. It
more so reflects like effort, like time putting into cultivating myself,
because when you meditate, especially in the tradition that I'm
(15:58):
a part of, really developing these three qualities where it's
self awareness, non reaction, and compassion, and these are things
that the mind has, but you need to cultivate them.
You need to make them stronger so that they help
you make better decisions in your life. And I think
in some ways, you know that, you know, my own
sort of pursuit of personal development has just helped me understand,
(16:21):
you know, how to change my behaviors for the better
and show up as a more genuine version of myself
as opposed to just repeating the past over and over again.
And then I've reflected you know, through the writing, through
sharing on Instagram and built up of an audience of
about you know, like four point five million people, and
it's great. I really think of myself as someone who's
(16:42):
just reflecting with you. So, like all the things that
I write the books, like whether you agree or not
with what I'm saying. I'm hoping that it at least
helps you reflect so that you can build your own
self awareness.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Yeah, I have a deep appreciation for the acknowledgement of
this concept that you are still a student.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
And also you've put in a lot of work.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Right, we talk about how you get stronger, it's by
putting in the reps. Right, how does a muscle get stronger?
You give it something to push up against. How does
your will get stronger? It's by you also giving it
something to push up against within your meditation practice totally.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
And you know the value of training, you know better
than I do. Like training is so important, Like you
don't just like go outside and run a marathon. You
have to train the mind and the same way that
you train the body. And we're so accustomed to training
the body. But I think that's something that we're learning
as a culture that if you don't have patience, you
can build it. If you don't have compassion, you can
build it. If you don't have peace, you can build it.
(17:42):
It's not just that happiness is a framework or a
perception that you just force upon yourself. You train it,
you develop it over time, by teaching yourself how to
be less attached, by teaching yourself to let go to
embrace in permanence. And these are things that you learn
over time.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
How do you combat the victim mindset?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Because someone hears what you just said, they're like, compassion
you can build it self, appreciation, you can build it,
et cetera. There might be a certain level of frustration
in this I'm in the same cycle. I can't get
out of it, all of this negative self talk. How
do you fight against the victim mindset to get to
(18:22):
a place where you truly believe in that unlock that
you can build the emotions, the feelings, the life that
you desire.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Yeah, I think bringing yourself back to the present moment
is huge because we get so caught up in the
down moment sometimes that we absolutely forget all the amazing
things that we can be grateful for. We literally get
lost in the negativity, and that happens a lot. But
bringing yourself back to gratitude, bringing yourself back to embracing impermanence,
(18:52):
like bring yourself back to just understanding that your actions
are extraordinarily powerful and it's only your actions that will
like literally bring you out of the mud, like pull
you out into a new version of yourself. Because you know,
people who listen to this podcast, people who are reading
you know, self help books, even your therapists. Like people
can inform you and give you good information, but only
(19:15):
you can act on it to really start creating a
new chapter in your life. And I think that's you know, like,
I've had so many people who've inspired me, but they
didn't meditate for me. They like I had to do
that myself. Like, you know, these things where we have
to pull ourselves out, there's this powerful moment where we
really can activate our strong determination and put our foot
(19:36):
down and say, you know what, I'm going to give
this goal a bunch of my effort and I'm not
going to let other people stop me. And I think
we all have that capacity.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Yeah, And honestly, sometimes motivation can go out the window, right,
So that's why the desire for action, the opportunity to
just take that first step and keep stepping forward. There
needs to be a foundational level of appreciation for the
fact that I can do this. I just have to
get out there and put in that effort.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yeah, you would be surprised what you can accomplish, and
a lot of times, like, it's really just about setting
yourself up for tiny victories so that you can build momentum,
because you can reach your goal and it's easier to
reach it with momentum. And the best way is to
just feed yourself tiny victories by doing something small every day.
(20:28):
And I remember, like, you know, when I first started writing,
like I didn't know how to write, Like it was
something that I felt like, oh, let me reflect and
share things openly. But by you know, writing one little
poem a day, writing, you know, sharing one thought a
day on Instagram, like, things will build over time and
then you'll have, you know, like a writing career. But
(20:49):
you can bring that to like anything that you want
in your life, where you're just setting yourself for small,
tiny victories.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Small tiny victories.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
And again this circles back to our beginning conversation about
taking notice of the good in your life, even if
it is small instances.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Of joy or love.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Right now, I thought a lot about what we could
talk about today, And I obviously have listeners that are
in all different places of their journey with self, of
their journey with others, whether it be women that are
single or attached or married or divorced, or whatever the
case may be. And one of the things I really
(21:26):
appreciated within your book that you started to reference a
little bit in our conversation thus far were the lessons
that you've learned from your marriage. Thus far, you articulate
eight of them. And what I think is so beautiful
is that these lessons aren't solely applicable to being in
a relationship. These are lessons that you can really bring
(21:47):
to all aspects of your life. The first lesson that
you articulate is that connection on its own is not enough.
Why is it important to have a bigger sense of
what's going on within the relationship besides the magnetic attraction
that you experienced at the beginning.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, I mean you find this a lot that you
know connection and that magnetic attraction may be there, and
you may feel that for a number of different people,
But is there enough to actually build a home together?
Is there enough to design a life that feels really fruitful?
And oftentimes people don't even get past the magnetic attraction
(22:25):
part because they are too shy or culturally we've like
taught ourselves to be KOI and to like not be
direct about what we feel for another person, like if literally,
if you don't tell them like how you feel and
that you're serious, like your feelings are serious for them,
then you won't even have the opportunity to know if
you can build a relationship. So we get lost often
(22:49):
in that you know, exciting feeling of connection, But you
need so much more than that. You need emotional maturity,
you need self awareness, You need the ability to really
embrace your growth wherever you are your journey, even if
it's a relationship that you are so excited about and
the other person may care about growth, and then that
starts coming into your life and you're like, oh right,
(23:11):
there's value and growth. Let me start embracing my growth
so that I can you know, literally take charge of
my evolution. People can start wherever. And I think, you know,
knowing how much I care about my wife and knowing
how in the beginning of our relationship, I didn't do
a good job taking care of for happiness and supporting
our happiness. To me now it's like, well, this is
(23:33):
another reason why I keep doubling down on my personal
growth is because I see a direct connection between me
growing and the harmony that I can add to our relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
What I also appreciate here is the acceptance or acknowledgement
of something that you could be doing better.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
When I tell you the amount.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Of relationships, whether they just be friendship, splotonic or something
more than that, that falter or skip because one person
feels as though it's not their responsibility to apologize.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
I would be here for a long time.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
I know, I know, And it's really hard because like
because of our perceptions that you can even be really
well intentioned and just say the wrong thing at the
wrong time without any ill will, and like there's still
maybe the need to apologize for that and like, oh,
I'm sorry, like I didn't need to hurt your feelings
at all. But there's also the mixture of like recognizing
(24:30):
that there are definitely going to be moments where you
need to apologize, and then there are going to be
other moments where actually there wasn't even a need for
an argument to happen. What really happened was a lack
of communication around how your emotions were changing through the day.
And this is something that like a system that my
wife and I set up where we try our best
to multiple times a day just let each other know,
(24:52):
like when we're feeling down, when we're feeling good, or
you know, whatever emotions moving through. And that has been
so helpful because whenever I know that she doesn't feel good,
that's my opportunity to step up and try to take
things off her plate and to just make sure that
I'm moving gently around her and the same thing for her.
(25:13):
And I think that's like so valuable to just communicate
when we don't feel good, because then we don't allow
the mind the opportunity to try to blame, to try
to figure out, like, oh, how can I make this
feeling that I don't like your fault? And the mind
will try to do that unless you're aware of it.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, And you call this process an emotional temperature check.
For someone that's interested in incorporating emotional temperature checks in
their relationships, where do you even begin?
Speaker 3 (25:43):
And does it even need to be that complicated?
Speaker 1 (25:45):
No, it doesn't need to be complicated at all. It
begins when you wake up. You wake up and you're
just check in with yourself and then you let your
partner know, like, oh, I don't feel that good today.
You know, I think the first things I said to
my wife when I woke up. I was like, ooh,
I don't I don't know if I don't know, if
my bodies fighting something like I felt this heaviness, you know,
And she was like, great, you know. Good, it's good
(26:08):
to know, and vice versa. Like we tell each other
where we are, and then there's another point in the
middle of the day, like in the early afternoon, where
we tell each other again, and this becomes like it's
not like we have to sit down and talk about it.
It's very casual. It's just like I'm letting you know
so that I can know and you can know where
I'm standing right now in my own emotional range. And
(26:29):
the information it's so simple, but the information is so helpful.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, and it sounds helpful. And I can also see
the inverse for someone who may be listening and thinking
this sounds exhausting.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
I know, because you don't want to make it too formal.
It's not like, oh, like we have to do this
and this is like part of our routine. It's like
make it as easy as possible for yourself to just
like voice, because there are times where we're moving through
the day and we because of the demands of the day,
the day and the responsibilities we have. We are really
(27:04):
pushing ourselves to feel good when we actually don't, and
that ends up creating not as good results in terms
of like not just your work or like, you know,
the way that you're interacting with your partner.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
Yeah, another lesson that you list from your eight years
of marriage is the necessity to individually understand your emotional
history and behavioral patterns. We chatted a little bit about
this earlier, but talk to me a little bit about
why it is important to have that foundational understanding of
where you're at to meet your partner in your relationship.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I mean, we all carry this really vast emotional history.
Like whether you've experienced trauma or not, you have absolutely
had hard moments. You've experienced hurt, you've experienced some sort
of loss, and those strong moments, those big reactions, they
leave an imprint on the mind and they affect the
(27:58):
way that you not only perceive the present, where you
will literally have a lens of the past that you
have to try your best to see through to be
able to see the present. And that makes engaging with
reality as it is quite challenging, and that also makes
engaging with your partner challenging. So realizing that we all
(28:20):
come with this heavy conditioning from the past, that means
that we all have some you know, you can call
it healing or you can call it growth, but we
all have some work to do on ourselves. And that's
what really helps, you know, understand that, Okay, we're simultaneously imperfect.
We have this past that wants us to react in
the same way over and over again, which usually manifest
(28:41):
in a defensive manner. But we're going to do our
best to not be dominated by the pass and just
show up in a caring way in the present.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Yeah, it's easy to liken this too again the pathway
of an athlete or physical performance. Right, If you every
day try to show up and go one hundred percent
without time to recover your muscles or give your body
what it needs, then eventually you'll show up and you'll
(29:08):
be giving ninety five ninety eighty five, eighty seventy forty thirty.
Speaker 3 (29:14):
Dead at zero.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Right.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
And so to take the time to give your body
what it truly needs, both physically and mentally, then enables
you to show up how you truly wish to in
a continuous capacity.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Oh my, gosh, you're like literally speaking to my life
right now. I've been doing so much running and I
was training and I would only take like a day off,
and then there was once where I was like, okay,
I really have to take two days off, and my goodness,
the way my body bounced back after like giving myself
the extra rest.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
But isn't it so funny that in the act of
taking the time off you feel as though you are
doing something wrong. It's like, oh, yeah, well, I'm not
running today, so I must be messing up.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Like I'm lacking, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
But when you realize what happens in the periods of
recovery that then enable and empower you to show up
how you want to show up two days later, then
you're like, Okay, I get it now, I know.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
And this is exactly what we were talking about in
the beginning of the our convo, right where we're like
attached to not only high levels of excitement, but high
levels of performance and that you know, you can see
that on the individual level, but you can also see
that on the relationship level, or where we want the
highest height of harmony all the time, the highest height
of good communication and it's just not going to be
(30:33):
like that all the time. And when we stop fighting
the tough moments and we allow them to arise, because
usually they're a rising, so that you can overcome some
type of block, something that you know, if you were
able to face it and understand it together, you can
resolve it so that you can deepen your connection.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
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Speaker 3 (31:27):
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Speaker 2 (31:28):
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(33:22):
you learned is let each other evolve. That can be
a little difficult as well, right, because maybe you like
things as they are right now, how do you embrace
this evolution?
Speaker 1 (33:35):
I love that honesty of yours. I think it's just
we have to work with the universe and not against it.
And the reality is that everything is always changing, right,
Everything is changing at the atomic, the biological level, the
cosmological level, and that means that we are changing, like
we're changing human beings. And when you take that to
(33:57):
your personal life, that means that whenever you met your
partner and you initially had that magnetic attraction towards them,
that person is literally in the past, like that person
doesn't exist anymore. So the person that you're seeing now
does spring from that initial moment, but they're not exactly
the same. Their preferences are going to evolve over time.
(34:18):
How you know, especially if you've been together for decades,
the way they look is going to change over time,
and I think it's actually beautiful to appreciate the fact
that growth and change, like it's change is going to happen,
so you may as well use it to your benefit
and use it for your growth. But don't think of
yourself at these as these like two static beings like
(34:39):
in your mind. Instead envision yourselves as two rivers that
are choosing to flow alongside each other. That feels much
more appropriate and honestly, much more realistic, because you're going
to change, and I think it's good, like it allows
that that curiosity and that interest to get your partner
to get to know them over and over again. It's
(35:00):
always going to be there because they're They're just not
going to be the same.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And candidly, you probably don't want them to stay the same.
I mean, I know that there are moments in any
relationship where you feel as though you're holding on to
something that was from years, months, weeks, whatever it is ago, right,
and I've been there, I understand. But the reality is
(35:24):
that as the world changed, like you said, we change,
and so you want someone that is evolving and growing
with time, just as you want to evolve.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
And grow with time totally. And you imagine if you're, like,
you know, in a long relationship and the person that
you're with is still acting like they're twenty five, you know,
when you're like forty, and it's like you're going to change.
And I think that's just honestly, and really I enjoy
that aspect of relationship and even with friendships, even with
(35:55):
my parents, Like even my parents like who they were
when they were raising me, Like they're just such different
human beings now, and I think that's awesome because we're
evolving together and like that always sparks this like newness
and conversation where like tell me your thoughts, Like tell
me what you're thinking about X, Y and Z this
(36:17):
political moment or this TV show or whatever it is,
because their views are not always going to be exactly
the same and I could learn something from them.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Yeah, it's really interesting when you segue into having an
adult relationship with your parents.
Speaker 3 (36:31):
Versus when you had when you were younger.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Right, yeah, I know, being like almost peers with them,
except like they're always your parents. But it is really
strange and it's funny because even with my dad, we
were celebrating his birthday the other day, and I'm talking
to my wife and I'm like, he's my boy, Like
I just love this guy, you know, he's my boy,
Like I.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
Oh, dad, Dad.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I was thinking as we were saying here about like
you don't want to be with someone that's acting like
they're twenty five when you're forty, and then kind of
bringing it into this lens of personal growth and personal development, right,
because I think that that is a really interesting point
to make about where someone might be on their own
individual journey. If you are still looking at things through
(37:18):
the lens of being twenty five when you were in
your mid thirties, that's problematic. It's blatant disregard to your
own evolution.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
Yeah, And I think it's very like I also want
to parse it right where I think it is really
important to maintain like a youthful curiosity with the world
where you want to be humble and you want to
learn and you want to absorb and just like you know,
have a deep understanding that you don't know everything. But
at the same time, like times change, and I remember
(37:53):
the person who I was when I was in college
versus someone who, you know, when I was in my
mid twenties living in New York City to who I
am now, you know, in my mid thirties, Like it
feels like there is just more and more responsibility coming
on my plate, where Like who I was for my
(38:14):
family when I was in my mid twenties is just
so different for who I am now in my mid thirties,
and I'm you know, helping like oversee the family, helping
with family decisions and things like that. And I think
stepping into that type of sort of personal responsibility also
is the same skill that you'll need to be able
(38:37):
to accept the responsibility of a relationship. So as you mature,
it's like, yeah, like I really I really care for
my partner and I'm not just going to like you know,
ghost them or bounce, you know, like I'm going to
be there to do my best to fulfill the commitments
that we agreed upon.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
And this really circles the next thing that you've learned
in your eight years of marriage, which is that the
truth brings you closer together acknowledging what is foundationally, whether
you're talking about personal development, a problem you're trying to
solve with your job, or a dynamic within your relationship.
That truth and meeting yourself with where you're at is
(39:14):
absolutely critical.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
It's so important. It's really valuable to understand that dishonesty
creates distance, and that can be between you and yourself.
If you're dishonest with yourself, then you're developing distance. You're
literally disconnecting from yourself. If you are being dishonest with
your partner, then that's creating a big gulf of space
(39:38):
between the two of you. So I think doubling down
on honesty even when it's difficult, Even when being honest
is going to require hard conversations afterwards, and it's going
to require forgiveness resolution, it still is valuable to move
forward with honesty because then you have the opportunity for
the deepest connection possible.
Speaker 2 (40:00):
The hard conversations foundationally, they can be scary for many.
Is there an approach or a framework that you recommend
for individuals to sit down and have some of these
difficult conversations.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
When you're moving into a conversation, you want to do
your best to strive for understanding as opposed to winning.
I think this is like a key error that a
lot of us make because of our sort of like survivalist,
defensive natures where we go into an argument and we're
trying to win. We're trying to dominate the narrative. We're
trying to make sure that we have no blame and
(40:37):
that it's all the other person's fault. But when you're
both trying to win the argument, you're actually both losing.
And even if one person relents and one person dominates
the narrative, it still becomes a situation where you're trying
to gain power over another. It's a much better and
much more efficient tactic to try to understand each other.
(40:58):
If you're having an argument, take time to listen to
each other selflessly, to really be able to step outside
of your own perspective, and as your partner gives you
their perspective, you're doing your best to not think about
what you want to say to them, but you're just
trying to receive to fully try to understand where they're
coming from. And then they should give you that same
(41:20):
opportunity to tell your story and how this series of
events moved for you. And you'll see that as you
listen to each other's stories and you can better sense
like where they're coming from, and that understanding grows that
it's easier for that tension to just melt away. And
(41:41):
I love what tik not Hans said. He wrote, once
love is understanding, and I really feel like it's just
it could not be more true. You know, when you
fully understand someone, you don't have a feeling to fight them.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
I really appreciate these sentiments, and I loved what you
wrote about this in the book on the different strategies
that you use to communicate during a disagreement. Another one
that you articulated was remembering that your partner.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
Is not your enemy.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Have our conversation on the defense, but if you walk
into it with an understanding that the goal is for
you too to be okay and whole, then you get
a little bit more neutral and where your footing is totally.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
We fall into survivalist tactics so quickly, and we forget
that the person that we're arguing with, like is not
only the love of our life, it's our best friend,
it's your really cool roommate. It's like, you know, you
love this person is amazing, and you're totally forgetting that
because you're in the heat of the moment and checking
(42:44):
in with yourself and reminding yourself, like, oh, Wait, this
is actually someone very dear to me and we're having
a disagreement. But let's talk about it with calmness, Let's
talk about it with clarity. Let me try my best
to make sure that I I am speaking my truth
while simultaneously doing my part to resolve this argument as
(43:08):
opposed to just making it worse and worse.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Yeah, and this, just like the lessons that we spoke
about from your marriage, these recommendations are also so applicable
beyond the conversations that you might have with a partner
or even yourself. Right when I talk or think about
the most successful conversations emails ways that I have conducted
(43:31):
business over the last eight years of being a solopreneur.
Approaching a conversation knowing that the victory is not winning,
but the understanding is changed, the way that I am
able to operate.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Oh my gosh, I know it's and I'm with you
like it. When it started dawning on me, like how
unskillful it was to try to win everything, but instead
to try to understand and build bonds. That's made me,
you know, whenever I'm now people who have very different
views than what I have. Instead of wanting to argue.
(44:08):
My new default is to say tell me more, right,
like tell me more like, explain to me more like
how you're getting to this point, because it's out of
sheer curiosity, like I don't you know, even if I
don't agree, I'm so curious about how you got there.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
Yeah, And I mean it makes me think of, for instance,
if there's a brand that reaches out to me and
wants to do an event and then two weeks later
the event is off the table and it's not of
their interest. It could be understandable that someone in my
physician may get frustrated, feel insecure, wonder is it something
to do with me? But then instead of acting on
(44:48):
those thoughts and perhaps the feelings that they trigger, I
come with that approach of understanding and simply ask questions.
I will be in a better situation moving forward because
that means that that relationship is not off of the table,
and that is something that takes the reps, as you
so eloquently put before, to get to a place where
(45:08):
that is the default, where the understanding is the default.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
I love that so much too, because you're pointing at
this thing where it's like it's like quietly pleasurable to
just burn a bridge, and it's just like as opposed
to just like, you know, being the bigger person. Let
me try to be understanding, let me try to figure
out how can we like work together in the future.
But I love that you're pointing that out.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
It is quietly pleasurable to burn the bridge. But in
the long term, let me tell you, it's better not to,
better not to. It's definitely better. It's definitely better not
to now.
Speaker 2 (45:43):
Of course, I would be remiss if we didn't talk
a little bit about dating, something you cover very well
in the book. One of the things that I really
appreciated in the book was the way that you articulate
the different red and green flags when it comes to dating,
and again applicable both Yeah, within dating as well as
relationships beyond those.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
That are romantic.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
Some of the red flags all go through them pretending
to know everything. It's hard to learn anything about them
not being honest with themselves, no accountability, and making things
good for themselves, but not you. The making things good
for themselves and not you. Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1 (46:23):
Yeah, I think, even especially if that's how something is starting,
you know that there isn't like already the beginnings of
care where it's like, you know, what's an ideal place
for the two of us to meet for the both
of us, or you know, what do you want to eat?
Or you know, just making sure that both people are
feeling seen from the beginning. That's one of the loveliest questions,
(46:45):
like even from friends, is this good for you? Like
do you do you like this restaurant that we picked?
Do you like you know? Our like our plan? Do
you feel good about it? Because then it's like you're
you know, you're both just like openly just naming. Okay,
we can step forward together, and you need those type
of little check ins to just see if people are
on the same page.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
Check ins are a through line of this conversation.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
Something else that I listed, it's hard to learn anything
about them. I feel like this is something that's very
important to stress because oftentimes you can get into a
situation with someone where you think you really like them,
but then you ask yourself, what do I even know
about them? And realize that it's the idea of this
(47:30):
person and not so much the person themselves.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
What do you do when you get to that place?
Speaker 1 (47:37):
You know, it's really interesting because you want to try
to find these moments where you are both sort of
equally asking and answering questions about yourselves so that you're
painting a fuller and fuller picture. And if it's too
one sided where only one person is asking all the
(47:58):
questions or well, you know, like you don't want to
fall into that type of situation because then you may
just like, if you're the person who always asks the questions,
you may be hiding behind the questions because you don't
want to talk about yourself. So finding that equal balance
playing field is just going to make it so that
(48:20):
there's less and less of a mystery there, because you
don't want to be building a relationship with a mystery.
You want to you know, you eventually want to meet
their friends. You want to know what they do for work.
You want to have clarity so that you are building
a realistic mental map of their life and seeing if
these mental maps can come together and interlock, because you
(48:42):
have your own idea of your own life, but do
they really fit together.
Speaker 2 (48:46):
I appreciate this also in the context of friendships. Right
if you're in a friendship and you're realizing that it
is heavily weighted on one person situation versus the other.
Then you have to be realistic about what's the purpose
of this relationship in your life, because not every friendship
(49:07):
is going to necessarily be fifty to fifty. But you
do have to ask yourself what am I seeking and
what feels good for insert your name here.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
I know, and a lot of times you need to
kind of check in with yourself and see if, like,
is this a relationship that's you know, good for my
nervous system, like it does it actually feel good to
be around this new friend? Like can I really put
my guard down? Can I be myself? Do are they
like expecting me to be a very specific version of myself?
Or can I just be however I feel? And that's
(49:39):
when you really know, like cause I think sometimes like
you don't want to expect every single friendship of yours
to be the deepest friendship ever, right, Like, not everyone's
going to be your best friend. And sometimes you have
like lighter connections where people that you enjoy hanging out
with and you're truthful with them. But then there are
other people who you can like fully be yourself with
(50:02):
and show them a wide range of your character. And
I think in those really special instances. You know that
someone is really important to you when you can feel
the immediate relaxation when you're in their presence.
Speaker 3 (50:18):
Oh, it's so true.
Speaker 2 (50:19):
And I also feel as though there's an importance of
being okay with having those different types of relationships in
different times of your life. You might be in a
season right now where you really only want to spend
(50:41):
time appreciate those really deep, I can let my guard
down relationships. That doesn't mean that other people aren't important,
it's just that right now, those types of less deep,
more surface level connections aren't the kind of connections that
you're seeking or that you feel like really serve you totally.
Speaker 1 (51:02):
And you'll find too that oftentimes you end up, like
I keep seeing that in my own life, where I
end up developing newer friendships with people who I have
something to learn from, you know, where where it's like
they either they I know, my wife and I are
moving into this chapter where we might have kids, and
we've been really thinking about it. So I've been you know,
(51:23):
around around more dads, like you know, people who are
around my age, and and just like asking them mad
questions like what's it, because it's it's like, who knows
what the future will hold for us, But it's interesting
how friendships will just connect you with people that will
give you a little peek into what your future evolution
(51:44):
might look like.
Speaker 3 (51:45):
M what other questions are you asking the dads diego?
Speaker 1 (51:50):
Can they manage?
Speaker 3 (51:52):
How do they do it?
Speaker 1 (51:53):
I know, I know, it looks like chaos.
Speaker 3 (51:56):
It looks like chaos.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
It's some of the green flags that you address in
the book when it comes to dating listening with calm enjoyment.
I could list these, but I need to start with
the calm enjoyment and marinate on that because I think
that is such a beautiful way to put the goodness
that can come from a conversation that two people are
truly present in.
Speaker 1 (52:19):
I know, I know, I think. And it's hard because everybody,
like not everybody, but I would say like ninety percent
of people like love talking about themselves, right, And sometimes
you're in a conversation and like you can feel the
craving to talk about yourself. And that's why this sort
(52:40):
of line about calm enjoyment, to listen with common enjoyment,
where you are equally interested to just hear this person's story,
to just hear where they're coming from and you get
joy from listening to them. That's a really good sign
because they're so interesting to you and so not just magnetic,
but that you feel like they're well rounded in that like, wow,
(53:04):
they're really peaking your curiosity to me, that's like, that's
that's a great sign.
Speaker 3 (53:08):
It's such a good sign.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
And when I think about the individuals in my life
that I would say truly listen actively and with that
sense of calm enjoyment, I would also draw a parallel
to the fact that they are really invested in their
own personal betterment, they also are people that are no
(53:31):
strangers to things like meditation and breath work and going
within and so this really resonates with me.
Speaker 1 (53:38):
Yeah, and you like, like we mentioned before, I mean
the presence that you develop with yourself, like to be
with yourself, to be able to like literally be okay
with closing your eyes and just feeling what's happening inside
of you and knowing your own history. That builds that
quality that you can then you know, give to another
(54:00):
person and be able to listen to them, to be
able to really hold space for them while they're sharing
their journey with you. These two things are very intrinsically connected.
Speaker 3 (54:10):
Definitely.
Speaker 2 (54:10):
You also highlight kind of along the same vein here
the energy is reciprocal willingness to be vulnerable. I love
this one. They feel joy when you're happy. It seems
like such a simple thing, right, that the people around
you will be happy for you when you're happy.
Speaker 3 (54:29):
But it isn't so easy in practice.
Speaker 1 (54:32):
Why is that, I think because of craving. Honestly, craving
is really hard, and I think that's one of the
big things that I've noticed in myself that I have
been actively working on for years, is when I see
the success of another this is not a time to
feel jealousy. This is a time to feel sympathetic joy
(54:55):
for them. You know, they've worked hard, they got to
this point, they're having a fantastic moment, and celebrate them,
be happy for them. And you find the same thing
in you know, friendships where one person may be excelling,
you know, in their home life or romantic life, or
their work life, and you may feel the pangs of jealousy,
(55:16):
but you know that the connection between these two people
is so deep. When you see your best friend and
they're having a big victory and you don't feel any jealousy. Instead,
you just feel joy for them. You're like, wow, this
is so amazing. And simultaneously, in romantic relationships, you know,
you don't want to be in competition with your partner.
You want to celebrate them because they're awesome.
Speaker 3 (55:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (55:39):
Yeah, it's so important and certainly something that I've navigated personally.
I'm sure that you have as well at times. And
so for those that may see this within their relationships, again,
whether they be platonic or otherwise, is there a way
to articulate that that happiness would be really important to you?
Speaker 1 (56:00):
I think it's I think, you know, being honest and
open and just saying like, I would love to have
a partner that feels a lot of sympathetic joy. You know,
I want to be able to celebrate them when they
have victories, and I would like for them to be
able to celebrate me too. I think being open like that,
you know, you're putting your cars on the table, And
I feel like this's this sort of next wave of
(56:21):
relationships over the coming years, it's going to be much
more about being direct, being clear, like how do this
is how I want my happiness to be supported? And
this is what I can offer to you, and you know,
there being no mystery there.
Speaker 2 (56:35):
Yeah, the last green flag that you articulate. They are
actively working on developing new qualities. Why is that important
in any relationship?
Speaker 1 (56:46):
I think that's one of the coolest things. Is like
when you come across a new friend or you're dating
or just like interacting with someone and as soon as
you start going a little deep and you're like, what
are you working on? You know, like internally, like what
what's like been sort of taking your mind? Where what
are you putting your energy into? And I love hearing
when you know people are just like, I'm working on,
(57:09):
you know, being more self aware. I'm working on, you know,
trying not to react. I'm really working on pausing right now.
And when you know, especially if you're dating and you're
actively looking for a partner and asking them like, what
are you working on internally and they give you an
answer that's meaningful and real, that shows you that this
(57:29):
is an individual who of course they're not perfect, but
at least they have the strength to grow. Like that
is enough.
Speaker 3 (57:37):
Yeah, It's definitely enough.
Speaker 1 (57:39):
You know.
Speaker 2 (57:39):
We're recording this close to the top of twenty twenty
five and something that I often converse about with friends, peers, colleagues,
whomever at this time of year is what the word
is for the year? What is the intention that you're setting?
What is it that you want to walk through the
next twelve months with? I ask this question to you
(58:01):
reflecting on what you just said, knowing that every one
of us, regardless of how much work that you've put in,
has something that they're interested in cultivating, evolving, nurturing.
Speaker 3 (58:11):
So do you go, what's your word for twenty twenty five?
Speaker 1 (58:13):
Oh my gosh, can I Can I slam two of
them together?
Speaker 3 (58:16):
Please?
Speaker 1 (58:17):
So, as you was thinking, I'm I think I'm trying
to develop like healthy resilience, Like I want to have
reserves of healthy energy, so that you know, as I'm traveling,
as I'm like moving about the world and just like
working and whatnot, that I don't feel depleted. Like I
don't want to feel like I'm dragging myself from one
(58:37):
you know, work objective to another. I want to feel
like I'm strong in my body. I've been working all
these years on my mind and it's you know, I'm
going to continue working on it for the rest of
my life. But I can feel the focus now turning
into my body and wanting to really just strengthen it.
Speaker 2 (58:55):
So what I'm hearing you say is that you believe
the tool that will help you develop healthy resilience is physical.
In investing in your body, you will get to a
place where you feel as though you can continually show
up with those reserves that you're after.
Speaker 1 (59:12):
Absolutely, And I think it started first as mental, like
I had to work on my mind. I had to
work on my sadness, my anxiety. I had to work
on like you know, building non reaction and compassion. And
now I feel the lightness of mind that I can
really like turn attention to my body and be like, okay,
how can we get stronger?
Speaker 2 (59:31):
I love to hear that. I'm so excited for everything
that you're doing right now. What's to come for you?
As you sit here? What would you say you're most
excited about?
Speaker 1 (59:41):
Looking forward for this coming year? The tour that I'm
going to do that goes along with how to Love Better.
I think it's going to be really cool, Like I'm
going to do some new cities that I haven't been
to before or done events in like Austin and Boulder,
Colorado and I also have this twenty day meditation course
lined up after the tour and after the book launch
that I'm super excited about. I can't wait to go
(01:00:04):
meditate for twenty days.
Speaker 3 (01:00:06):
Your excitement is contagious. I know.
Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
In our last conversation we talked foundationally about ways that
someone can begin integrating a meditation practice into their routine.
So I'll make sure to link that in the show notes.
But thank you so much for your time today. For
those that aren't following along with you just yet, how
do they keep up with you?
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Remind them where they can get the book? Give me
all the details.
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
Yeah, sure, so you can get How to Love Better
on Amazon. You can get it at Barnes and Nobles
any bookstore. And you can follow me along on Instagram
at Young Pueblo, Yung Underscore pu e Blo. And my
new favorite place to write is also substack Young Pueblot
substack dot com.
Speaker 3 (01:00:48):
I love it. I love a substack.
Speaker 2 (01:00:50):
I'm over at Emilybody and at Hurdle Podcast another Hurdle concred.
Speaker 3 (01:00:55):
Catch you guys next time
Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
To
If you don't have patience, you can build it. If
you don't have compassion, you can build it. If you
don't have peace, you can build it.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Good morning, good afternoon, Good evening. Emily Body here. You
are listening to episode three hundred and forty two of Hurdle,
a wellness focused podcast where we talk to inspirational people
about everything from their highest ties and toughest moments to
essential tips on how to live a healthier, happier, more
motivated life. We all go through our fair share of hurdles.
(00:42):
My goal through these discussions is to empower you to
better navigate yours and move with intention, so that you
can stride towards your own big potential and of course
have some fun along the way. We are in the
season of love, my friends. One of the pieces of
feedback that came in through your messages and your emails
(01:03):
last week was that you love hearing about.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
All aspects of wellness.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
You are a holistic human, so as much as you
love the athlete interviews, you also love tips and tricks
from qualified experts, and that is exactly what I am
bringing you over the next few weeks. Today's conversation is
with the one and only Diego Perez. Many of you
know him as Young Pueblo, and in the spirit, like
(01:29):
I said, of love, we are talking about his best
practice tips for your relationships. Diego has a new book
coming out this month. It's called How to Love Better,
and that's exactly what our conversation is about. We are
talking not only about how to love better in terms
of partnership, whether you are single or attached, but also
(01:52):
how to love yourself better too. I know that a
lot of people roll their eyes when we get to
Valentine's Day each year, whether you are single or attached.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
I hear you.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
I know, Hallmark holiday, but it is a good time
for us to remember the importance of loving well and
how having love in your life can impact your overall
well being. In today's episode, Diego gives me the takeaways
that he has from his eight years of marriage thus far.
(02:25):
We also talk about his green and red flags or
dating and give a nod to the concept that at
the base of everything that we do, love is there,
and so it is up to each and every one
of us as individuals to decide how we want to love,
to decide how.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
We view love.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Knowing that our individual perspective shapes our reality. I love
this conversation. I could talk to Diego all day. He
is so calming.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Again.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
His book is coming out this month. It is called
how to Love Better, and I'm going to link it
in the show notes. Make sure if you're not yet
following along with Hurdle over on social you do that.
It's over at Hurdle podcast over on Instagram. We also
have a new daily subscriber channel in there. Each day
we're throwing in an inspirational quote as well as a
(03:15):
thought prompt to get your wheels turning first thing in
the morning.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Plus, Also, if you're not yet a.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Subscriber to the Weekly Hurdle newsletter, it's our substack that
comes out every single Friday with so much of the
same inspiration and motivation you love from Hurdle directly in
your inbox. And the best part is that it is
absolutely free. Now you will see that there is an
option to become a supporter of the newsletter. I encourage you,
(03:45):
if you love the Weekly Hurdle, think about becoming a
paid subscriber this week.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
With that, let's get to it. Let's get it's a
hurdling today.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
I am sitting down with Diego Perez. He is known
to many as Young Pueblo. He's a number one New
York Times bestselling author. He's got a new book coming out.
It's called How to Love Better, out next month.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
How are we doing.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
I'm doing really well and I'm so happy that we
get to chat. Thank you for having me on again.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Oh of course, it's a no brainer, especially right now.
You know, it's the time of love, Valentine's Day on
the horizon. We're thinking about self love, we're thinking about
love with other people.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
How is love, would you.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Say, most resounding in your life right now?
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Oh? My gosh, It's resounding in all the small little moments. Honestly,
It's like these moments where like my wife and I
we just right before it came on, we just sat
together to meditate for an hour, and then we finished
meditating and she turns over and she just looks at
me and just goes, I love you. And it's like
these tiny little things that keep building on that active care.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Active care.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And I love the sentiment of articulating, paying attention to
noticing the small things, because it's not always going to
show up every day way right, No.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
I think that's one of the big problems that we're
facing as a society is like this idea of love
as constant excitement and fun and we're chasing this high.
But in reality, I think love is going to have
ups and downs, just as it does, you know, when
you're on your own individual journey, Like every day is
not going to be a good day. And I think
(05:33):
we get scared of that. We get scared of the
down moments, and rightfully so, because we don't want to,
you know, end up in a super toxic or hurtful situation.
But you know, a lot of healthy relationships also have
down moments and that's.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Okay, yeah, including healthy relationships with ourselves, right And I
think that the ability and the recognition that we are
capable of finding small moments of joy, small moments of
love kind of like meeting yourself with where you're at totally.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I think that's like one of the biggest things too.
It's like understanding that the skills that you build to
meet yourself where you're at and to be able to
appreciate the sort of you know, your own emotional range
and like when you're literally feeling yourself going from happiness
to feeling a little tougher inside or feeling lighter inside.
(06:25):
You being able to hold space for your own emotions.
That's that direct compassion that you can then give to
your partner, because if you can't face your own emotions,
you're definitely not going to be able to face theirs.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
There are so many, so many benefits to love, feeling love.
When you feel love and cared for, it boosts your
immune system. It reduces the chance of things like catching
a cold. But bigger than that, love releases high levels
of dopamine. And so essentially what that means is it's
getting the rewards system within your body going, similar to
(06:58):
a euphoria that you could get from extras like drugs
or alcohol. So really love is the basis for allowing
you to feel better in your body.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Yeah, and that's and it's really important because I think
a lot of times when people who have been single
for a while and are really craving a relationship, they're
sort of unconsciously postponing their happiness and postponing that really
active self love that can awaken that dopamine and make
you more vibrant on the inside, whether you're with someone
(07:31):
or not. And that's something that I'm always trying to
tell people. It's like, just don't postpone your happiness, like,
because even when you're in a good relationship, if you
don't have that awareness over your own perception and your
own reaction, you can miss out on the deepest joy
and the sort of the deepest like sense of care
that you can get from a relationship because you have
(07:54):
something to work on within yourself. So whether you're by
yourself or another person, like, you have to activate your
happiness on your own.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Yeah, So what I'm hearing you say is you might
not be in a relationship with other people or another person,
but you have a foundational, important relationship all of the time,
and that relationship is with yourself.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Absolutely, You're always in relationship with yourself. That that's like
you're you know, you're never going to be able to
really fully escape yourself. You may try, you know, you
may keep like scrolling watching TV, but ultimately there are
going to be quiet moments where you have to face
yourself and you might as well be able to embrace
that with love and compassion as opposed to a version. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Yeah, Now, before we keep going on this, I've got
to know what was the inspiration to focus on this
specific topic for this new book.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
The inspiration was really like it came from like direct experience,
like I was when I started meditating and going to
these longer meditation retreats. I went in for my own
personal healing, like I went in because I knew that
I had big things to deal with, that I had
to overcome sadness, overcome anxiety, and not let them become,
(09:04):
you know, not let them be so dominant over my life,
because they were like taking over my life. And when
I started meditating, I was shocked because, Okay, one, I
was definitely feeling better and I could feel that my
mind was lighter. But I started immediately noticing that even
though I went in for my own healing, it started
(09:26):
elevating all of my relationships. I started noticing right away,
like when I was meditating, that my relationships were really superficial,
you know, with my wife, my girlfriend at the time
and my now wife, with my parents, with my friends,
like everything was very surface level. And that was because
I was afraid of myself, so I couldn't really offer
vulnerability to help deepen a connection. And as I started
(09:48):
changing through meditating, I was like, wait, like there is
a deep relationship here between your personal growth and how
you can show up in you know, with the people
that you love.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
That's really interesting is you acknowledging that you were with
your now wife then girlfriend before doing some of this work.
And I think that there's a challenge for many which
is this inability to grow with a partner or a
feeling that they are incapable of growing with a partner.
(10:20):
It's like, I have to do all of this work
before I'm prepared for the relationship. Why do you think
that your relationship withstood that growth period and how did
it make the two of you better?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Yeah, that's a great question. I think you know a
lot of people they want to enter into a relationship
with someone who like really has all their stuff together,
like really has you know, has gone to therapy, has
like helped themselves. But the reality is like you can
be someone who really deeply cares about your personal growth
and you still will have a ton of stuff to
(10:52):
work on. It's just such a long journey because none
of us are perfect. That's just the reality of it
is that we can try our best, but there are
still going to be gaps and blocks and things we
need to learn, especially when you are in relationship with
somebody like I can love you. And this is what
my wife and I went through where I felt the
love for her, she felt the love for me, but
(11:13):
we did not know how to care for each other
because we didn't have enough self awareness to see ourselves.
We didn't have enough emotional maturity to be able to
hold each other's emotions as we were going through arguments.
We didn't have this sort of emotional skill set to
be able to really, you know, love each other well.
And we had to learn that over time. And I
(11:34):
think honestly what kept us together was that we tried
to be a part. Like there were moments where we
would break up come back together, and we didn't really
know how to like have a nourishing relationship, but we
did know we wanted to be together, and we were
fortunate that we at the moment when we were really
at a crossroads, meditation came into our lives and we
(11:54):
started noticing that, oh, we're like handling our arguments a
little bit differently, We're projecting less onto each other. We're
much more vocal about the moments when our emotions change,
so that we're informing each other well, and we were
just like, you know, gleeful. We were so happy. We're like, wow,
this is this is amazing that that we you know,
(12:16):
can care for each other better now.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, and it's truly special that you and your partner
had a mutual interest in this work right in this
personal betterment getting involved in meditation. For some that may
see a bit of a disconnect with that, is there
a future for them to move forward together or not?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
No, totally, they can totally move forward together. I see
this happen a lot where people both care about their
personal growth, but the way that they go about their
growth is different. And I think that's something that we
have to be okay with Because you may have a
great partner and you may have so many things that
are so deeply aligned. Doesn't mean that you're going to
(13:01):
grow in the same way. That doesn't mean that you're
going to grow at the same speed. Like you know,
your partner may have a better time with listening than
you do, or they may have more patience than you do,
and you are realizing your lack in patients or listening
and you have to develop it over time. But you're
just not going to be like lockstep moving at the
same speed. And I've just seen a lot of great
(13:24):
relationships where you know, one person meditates, or another person
you know has a really serious therapy practice, or one
person meditates in the other it's just really into like
being in nature, or you know, just has something where
they're like actively not running away from their emotions. And
you'll see the commonality, like when you're in nature and
you're like allowing yourself to be there without a podcast,
(13:47):
or you're creating art, or you're journaling, or you know,
going to therapy, meditating a lot of these things, what
they have in common is that they're just helping you
be with yourself. And I think that's that's where the
power comes from.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
So foundationally, the only thing that's important is truly that
both of you have a desire to be better. It
doesn't mean that you need to do the same things
on that quest. You can be on parallel paths as
long as at the end of the path you come
back together to acknowledge that importance.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah, I think if both of you have the emotional
resilience to be accountable to yourselves and recognize when you're
making mistakes, and you have the fortitude to repair them.
Then you're going to be golden because we all go
into relationships with some form of pass hurt, some unconscious behavior,
(14:38):
you know, something where we could know ourselves better and
act better. But that is long, slow evolution, and I
think it's okay to you know, that's the reality of.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
Life now, before we go any further.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
There are people that are certainly they have their interest
piqued by what we're talking about, but foundationally maybe they're
a little bit u familiar with you and a little
unsure of why am I listening to this man about
love advice right now?
Speaker 3 (15:06):
So tell us a little bit.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Why is it that you are now looked to as
an expert when it comes to these topics.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, the key thing is like look to as an expert.
I don't know if I consider myself an expert. I
really think to myself as a as a student. I'm
not like a guru or anything like that. I'm just
someone who's here along, you know, walking the journey like
everybody else. I think the only thing that I've taken
seriously is my own personal development, and I've put so
(15:36):
many hours, Like literally, I did a account the other
day where I think I've meditated somewhere between twelve and
thirteen thousand hours, and like that's you know, it's a
good amount of time, but doesn't necessarily reflect wisdom. It
more so reflects like effort, like time putting into cultivating myself,
because when you meditate, especially in the tradition that I'm
(15:58):
a part of, really developing these three qualities where it's
self awareness, non reaction, and compassion, and these are things
that the mind has, but you need to cultivate them.
You need to make them stronger so that they help
you make better decisions in your life. And I think
in some ways, you know that, you know, my own
sort of pursuit of personal development has just helped me understand,
(16:21):
you know, how to change my behaviors for the better
and show up as a more genuine version of myself
as opposed to just repeating the past over and over again.
And then I've reflected you know, through the writing, through
sharing on Instagram and built up of an audience of
about you know, like four point five million people, and
it's great. I really think of myself as someone who's
(16:42):
just reflecting with you. So, like all the things that
I write the books, like whether you agree or not
with what I'm saying. I'm hoping that it at least
helps you reflect so that you can build your own
self awareness.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Yeah, I have a deep appreciation for the acknowledgement of
this concept that you are still a student.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
And also you've put in a lot of work.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Right, we talk about how you get stronger, it's by
putting in the reps. Right, how does a muscle get stronger?
You give it something to push up against. How does
your will get stronger? It's by you also giving it
something to push up against within your meditation practice totally.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
And you know the value of training, you know better
than I do. Like training is so important, Like you
don't just like go outside and run a marathon. You
have to train the mind and the same way that
you train the body. And we're so accustomed to training
the body. But I think that's something that we're learning
as a culture that if you don't have patience, you
can build it. If you don't have compassion, you can
build it. If you don't have peace, you can build it.
(17:42):
It's not just that happiness is a framework or a
perception that you just force upon yourself. You train it,
you develop it over time, by teaching yourself how to
be less attached, by teaching yourself to let go to
embrace in permanence. And these are things that you learn
over time.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
How do you combat the victim mindset?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Because someone hears what you just said, they're like, compassion
you can build it self, appreciation, you can build it,
et cetera. There might be a certain level of frustration
in this I'm in the same cycle. I can't get
out of it, all of this negative self talk. How
do you fight against the victim mindset to get to
(18:22):
a place where you truly believe in that unlock that
you can build the emotions, the feelings, the life that
you desire.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Yeah, I think bringing yourself back to the present moment
is huge because we get so caught up in the
down moment sometimes that we absolutely forget all the amazing
things that we can be grateful for. We literally get
lost in the negativity, and that happens a lot. But
bringing yourself back to gratitude, bringing yourself back to embracing impermanence,
(18:52):
like bring yourself back to just understanding that your actions
are extraordinarily powerful and it's only your actions that will
like literally bring you out of the mud, like pull
you out into a new version of yourself. Because you know,
people who listen to this podcast, people who are reading
you know, self help books, even your therapists. Like people
can inform you and give you good information, but only
(19:15):
you can act on it to really start creating a
new chapter in your life. And I think that's you know, like,
I've had so many people who've inspired me, but they
didn't meditate for me. They like I had to do
that myself. Like, you know, these things where we have
to pull ourselves out, there's this powerful moment where we
really can activate our strong determination and put our foot
(19:36):
down and say, you know what, I'm going to give
this goal a bunch of my effort and I'm not
going to let other people stop me. And I think
we all have that capacity.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Yeah, And honestly, sometimes motivation can go out the window, right,
So that's why the desire for action, the opportunity to
just take that first step and keep stepping forward. There
needs to be a foundational level of appreciation for the
fact that I can do this. I just have to
get out there and put in that effort.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yeah, you would be surprised what you can accomplish, and
a lot of times, like, it's really just about setting
yourself up for tiny victories so that you can build momentum,
because you can reach your goal and it's easier to
reach it with momentum. And the best way is to
just feed yourself tiny victories by doing something small every day.
(20:28):
And I remember, like, you know, when I first started writing,
like I didn't know how to write, Like it was
something that I felt like, oh, let me reflect and
share things openly. But by you know, writing one little
poem a day, writing, you know, sharing one thought a
day on Instagram, like, things will build over time and
then you'll have, you know, like a writing career. But
(20:49):
you can bring that to like anything that you want
in your life, where you're just setting yourself for small,
tiny victories.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Small tiny victories.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
And again this circles back to our beginning conversation about
taking notice of the good in your life, even if
it is small instances.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Of joy or love.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Right now, I thought a lot about what we could
talk about today, And I obviously have listeners that are
in all different places of their journey with self, of
their journey with others, whether it be women that are
single or attached or married or divorced, or whatever the
case may be. And one of the things I really
(21:26):
appreciated within your book that you started to reference a
little bit in our conversation thus far were the lessons
that you've learned from your marriage. Thus far, you articulate
eight of them. And what I think is so beautiful
is that these lessons aren't solely applicable to being in
a relationship. These are lessons that you can really bring
(21:47):
to all aspects of your life. The first lesson that
you articulate is that connection on its own is not enough.
Why is it important to have a bigger sense of
what's going on within the relationship besides the magnetic attraction
that you experienced at the beginning.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, I mean you find this a lot that you
know connection and that magnetic attraction may be there, and
you may feel that for a number of different people,
But is there enough to actually build a home together?
Is there enough to design a life that feels really fruitful?
And oftentimes people don't even get past the magnetic attraction
(22:25):
part because they are too shy or culturally we've like
taught ourselves to be KOI and to like not be
direct about what we feel for another person, like if literally,
if you don't tell them like how you feel and
that you're serious, like your feelings are serious for them,
then you won't even have the opportunity to know if
you can build a relationship. So we get lost often
(22:49):
in that you know, exciting feeling of connection, But you
need so much more than that. You need emotional maturity,
you need self awareness, You need the ability to really
embrace your growth wherever you are your journey, even if
it's a relationship that you are so excited about and
the other person may care about growth, and then that
starts coming into your life and you're like, oh right,
(23:11):
there's value and growth. Let me start embracing my growth
so that I can you know, literally take charge of
my evolution. People can start wherever. And I think, you know,
knowing how much I care about my wife and knowing
how in the beginning of our relationship, I didn't do
a good job taking care of for happiness and supporting
our happiness. To me now it's like, well, this is
(23:33):
another reason why I keep doubling down on my personal
growth is because I see a direct connection between me
growing and the harmony that I can add to our relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
What I also appreciate here is the acceptance or acknowledgement
of something that you could be doing better.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
When I tell you the amount.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Of relationships, whether they just be friendship, splotonic or something
more than that, that falter or skip because one person
feels as though it's not their responsibility to apologize.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
I would be here for a long time.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
I know, I know, And it's really hard because like
because of our perceptions that you can even be really
well intentioned and just say the wrong thing at the
wrong time without any ill will, and like there's still
maybe the need to apologize for that and like, oh,
I'm sorry, like I didn't need to hurt your feelings
at all. But there's also the mixture of like recognizing
(24:30):
that there are definitely going to be moments where you
need to apologize, and then there are going to be
other moments where actually there wasn't even a need for
an argument to happen. What really happened was a lack
of communication around how your emotions were changing through the day.
And this is something that like a system that my
wife and I set up where we try our best
to multiple times a day just let each other know,
(24:52):
like when we're feeling down, when we're feeling good, or
you know, whatever emotions moving through. And that has been
so helpful because whenever I know that she doesn't feel good,
that's my opportunity to step up and try to take
things off her plate and to just make sure that
I'm moving gently around her and the same thing for her.
(25:13):
And I think that's like so valuable to just communicate
when we don't feel good, because then we don't allow
the mind the opportunity to try to blame, to try
to figure out, like, oh, how can I make this
feeling that I don't like your fault? And the mind
will try to do that unless you're aware of it.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, And you call this process an emotional temperature check.
For someone that's interested in incorporating emotional temperature checks in
their relationships, where do you even begin?
Speaker 3 (25:43):
And does it even need to be that complicated?
Speaker 1 (25:45):
No, it doesn't need to be complicated at all. It
begins when you wake up. You wake up and you're
just check in with yourself and then you let your
partner know, like, oh, I don't feel that good today.
You know, I think the first things I said to
my wife when I woke up. I was like, ooh,
I don't I don't know if I don't know, if
my bodies fighting something like I felt this heaviness, you know,
And she was like, great, you know. Good, it's good
(26:08):
to know, and vice versa. Like we tell each other
where we are, and then there's another point in the
middle of the day, like in the early afternoon, where
we tell each other again, and this becomes like it's
not like we have to sit down and talk about it.
It's very casual. It's just like I'm letting you know
so that I can know and you can know where
I'm standing right now in my own emotional range. And
(26:29):
the information it's so simple, but the information is so helpful.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, and it sounds helpful. And I can also see
the inverse for someone who may be listening and thinking
this sounds exhausting.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
I know, because you don't want to make it too formal.
It's not like, oh, like we have to do this
and this is like part of our routine. It's like
make it as easy as possible for yourself to just
like voice, because there are times where we're moving through
the day and we because of the demands of the day,
the day and the responsibilities we have. We are really
(27:04):
pushing ourselves to feel good when we actually don't, and
that ends up creating not as good results in terms
of like not just your work or like, you know,
the way that you're interacting with your partner.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
Yeah, another lesson that you list from your eight years
of marriage is the necessity to individually understand your emotional
history and behavioral patterns. We chatted a little bit about
this earlier, but talk to me a little bit about
why it is important to have that foundational understanding of
where you're at to meet your partner in your relationship.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I mean, we all carry this really vast emotional history.
Like whether you've experienced trauma or not, you have absolutely
had hard moments. You've experienced hurt, you've experienced some sort
of loss, and those strong moments, those big reactions, they
leave an imprint on the mind and they affect the
(27:58):
way that you not only perceive the present, where you
will literally have a lens of the past that you
have to try your best to see through to be
able to see the present. And that makes engaging with
reality as it is quite challenging, and that also makes
engaging with your partner challenging. So realizing that we all
(28:20):
come with this heavy conditioning from the past, that means
that we all have some you know, you can call
it healing or you can call it growth, but we
all have some work to do on ourselves. And that's
what really helps, you know, understand that, Okay, we're simultaneously imperfect.
We have this past that wants us to react in
the same way over and over again, which usually manifest
(28:41):
in a defensive manner. But we're going to do our
best to not be dominated by the pass and just
show up in a caring way in the present.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Yeah, it's easy to liken this too again the pathway
of an athlete or physical performance. Right, If you every
day try to show up and go one hundred percent
without time to recover your muscles or give your body
what it needs, then eventually you'll show up and you'll
(29:08):
be giving ninety five ninety eighty five, eighty seventy forty thirty.
Speaker 3 (29:14):
Dead at zero.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Right.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
And so to take the time to give your body
what it truly needs, both physically and mentally, then enables
you to show up how you truly wish to in
a continuous capacity.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Oh my, gosh, you're like literally speaking to my life
right now. I've been doing so much running and I
was training and I would only take like a day off,
and then there was once where I was like, okay,
I really have to take two days off, and my goodness,
the way my body bounced back after like giving myself
the extra rest.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
But isn't it so funny that in the act of
taking the time off you feel as though you are
doing something wrong. It's like, oh, yeah, well, I'm not
running today, so I must be messing up.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Like I'm lacking, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
But when you realize what happens in the periods of
recovery that then enable and empower you to show up
how you want to show up two days later, then
you're like, Okay, I get it now, I know.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
And this is exactly what we were talking about in
the beginning of the our convo, right where we're like
attached to not only high levels of excitement, but high
levels of performance and that you know, you can see
that on the individual level, but you can also see
that on the relationship level, or where we want the
highest height of harmony all the time, the highest height
of good communication and it's just not going to be
(30:33):
like that all the time. And when we stop fighting
the tough moments and we allow them to arise, because
usually they're a rising, so that you can overcome some
type of block, something that you know, if you were
able to face it and understand it together, you can
resolve it so that you can deepen your connection.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
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Speaker 3 (31:27):
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Speaker 2 (31:28):
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(33:22):
you learned is let each other evolve. That can be
a little difficult as well, right, because maybe you like
things as they are right now, how do you embrace
this evolution?
Speaker 1 (33:35):
I love that honesty of yours. I think it's just
we have to work with the universe and not against it.
And the reality is that everything is always changing, right,
Everything is changing at the atomic, the biological level, the
cosmological level, and that means that we are changing, like
we're changing human beings. And when you take that to
(33:57):
your personal life, that means that whenever you met your
partner and you initially had that magnetic attraction towards them,
that person is literally in the past, like that person
doesn't exist anymore. So the person that you're seeing now
does spring from that initial moment, but they're not exactly
the same. Their preferences are going to evolve over time.
(34:18):
How you know, especially if you've been together for decades,
the way they look is going to change over time,
and I think it's actually beautiful to appreciate the fact
that growth and change, like it's change is going to happen,
so you may as well use it to your benefit
and use it for your growth. But don't think of
yourself at these as these like two static beings like
(34:39):
in your mind. Instead envision yourselves as two rivers that
are choosing to flow alongside each other. That feels much
more appropriate and honestly, much more realistic, because you're going
to change, and I think it's good, like it allows
that that curiosity and that interest to get your partner
to get to know them over and over again. It's
(35:00):
always going to be there because they're They're just not
going to be the same.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And candidly, you probably don't want them to stay the same.
I mean, I know that there are moments in any
relationship where you feel as though you're holding on to
something that was from years, months, weeks, whatever it is ago, right,
and I've been there, I understand. But the reality is
(35:24):
that as the world changed, like you said, we change,
and so you want someone that is evolving and growing
with time, just as you want to evolve.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
And grow with time totally. And you imagine if you're, like,
you know, in a long relationship and the person that
you're with is still acting like they're twenty five, you know,
when you're like forty, and it's like you're going to change.
And I think that's just honestly, and really I enjoy
that aspect of relationship and even with friendships, even with
(35:55):
my parents, Like even my parents like who they were
when they were raising me, Like they're just such different
human beings now, and I think that's awesome because we're
evolving together and like that always sparks this like newness
and conversation where like tell me your thoughts, Like tell
me what you're thinking about X, Y and Z this
(36:17):
political moment or this TV show or whatever it is,
because their views are not always going to be exactly
the same and I could learn something from them.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Yeah, it's really interesting when you segue into having an
adult relationship with your parents.
Speaker 3 (36:31):
Versus when you had when you were younger.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Right, yeah, I know, being like almost peers with them,
except like they're always your parents. But it is really
strange and it's funny because even with my dad, we
were celebrating his birthday the other day, and I'm talking
to my wife and I'm like, he's my boy, Like
I just love this guy, you know, he's my boy,
Like I.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
Oh, dad, Dad.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I was thinking as we were saying here about like
you don't want to be with someone that's acting like
they're twenty five when you're forty, and then kind of
bringing it into this lens of personal growth and personal development, right,
because I think that that is a really interesting point
to make about where someone might be on their own
individual journey. If you are still looking at things through
(37:18):
the lens of being twenty five when you were in
your mid thirties, that's problematic. It's blatant disregard to your
own evolution.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
Yeah, And I think it's very like I also want
to parse it right where I think it is really
important to maintain like a youthful curiosity with the world
where you want to be humble and you want to
learn and you want to absorb and just like you know,
have a deep understanding that you don't know everything. But
at the same time, like times change, and I remember
(37:53):
the person who I was when I was in college
versus someone who, you know, when I was in my
mid twenties living in New York City to who I
am now, you know, in my mid thirties, Like it
feels like there is just more and more responsibility coming
on my plate, where Like who I was for my
(38:14):
family when I was in my mid twenties is just
so different for who I am now in my mid thirties,
and I'm you know, helping like oversee the family, helping
with family decisions and things like that. And I think
stepping into that type of sort of personal responsibility also
is the same skill that you'll need to be able
(38:37):
to accept the responsibility of a relationship. So as you mature,
it's like, yeah, like I really I really care for
my partner and I'm not just going to like you know,
ghost them or bounce, you know, like I'm going to
be there to do my best to fulfill the commitments
that we agreed upon.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
And this really circles the next thing that you've learned
in your eight years of marriage, which is that the
truth brings you closer together acknowledging what is foundationally, whether
you're talking about personal development, a problem you're trying to
solve with your job, or a dynamic within your relationship.
That truth and meeting yourself with where you're at is
(39:14):
absolutely critical.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
It's so important. It's really valuable to understand that dishonesty
creates distance, and that can be between you and yourself.
If you're dishonest with yourself, then you're developing distance. You're
literally disconnecting from yourself. If you are being dishonest with
your partner, then that's creating a big gulf of space
(39:38):
between the two of you. So I think doubling down
on honesty even when it's difficult, Even when being honest
is going to require hard conversations afterwards, and it's going
to require forgiveness resolution, it still is valuable to move
forward with honesty because then you have the opportunity for
the deepest connection possible.
Speaker 2 (40:00):
The hard conversations foundationally, they can be scary for many.
Is there an approach or a framework that you recommend
for individuals to sit down and have some of these
difficult conversations.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
When you're moving into a conversation, you want to do
your best to strive for understanding as opposed to winning.
I think this is like a key error that a
lot of us make because of our sort of like survivalist,
defensive natures where we go into an argument and we're
trying to win. We're trying to dominate the narrative. We're
trying to make sure that we have no blame and
(40:37):
that it's all the other person's fault. But when you're
both trying to win the argument, you're actually both losing.
And even if one person relents and one person dominates
the narrative, it still becomes a situation where you're trying
to gain power over another. It's a much better and
much more efficient tactic to try to understand each other.
(40:58):
If you're having an argument, take time to listen to
each other selflessly, to really be able to step outside
of your own perspective, and as your partner gives you
their perspective, you're doing your best to not think about
what you want to say to them, but you're just
trying to receive to fully try to understand where they're
coming from. And then they should give you that same
(41:20):
opportunity to tell your story and how this series of
events moved for you. And you'll see that as you
listen to each other's stories and you can better sense
like where they're coming from, and that understanding grows that
it's easier for that tension to just melt away. And
(41:41):
I love what tik not Hans said. He wrote, once
love is understanding, and I really feel like it's just
it could not be more true. You know, when you
fully understand someone, you don't have a feeling to fight them.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
I really appreciate these sentiments, and I loved what you
wrote about this in the book on the different strategies
that you use to communicate during a disagreement. Another one
that you articulated was remembering that your partner.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
Is not your enemy.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Have our conversation on the defense, but if you walk
into it with an understanding that the goal is for
you too to be okay and whole, then you get
a little bit more neutral and where your footing is totally.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
We fall into survivalist tactics so quickly, and we forget
that the person that we're arguing with, like is not
only the love of our life, it's our best friend,
it's your really cool roommate. It's like, you know, you
love this person is amazing, and you're totally forgetting that
because you're in the heat of the moment and checking
(42:44):
in with yourself and reminding yourself, like, oh, Wait, this
is actually someone very dear to me and we're having
a disagreement. But let's talk about it with calmness, Let's
talk about it with clarity. Let me try my best
to make sure that I I am speaking my truth
while simultaneously doing my part to resolve this argument as
(43:08):
opposed to just making it worse and worse.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Yeah, and this, just like the lessons that we spoke
about from your marriage, these recommendations are also so applicable
beyond the conversations that you might have with a partner
or even yourself. Right when I talk or think about
the most successful conversations emails ways that I have conducted
(43:31):
business over the last eight years of being a solopreneur.
Approaching a conversation knowing that the victory is not winning,
but the understanding is changed, the way that I am
able to operate.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Oh my gosh, I know it's and I'm with you
like it. When it started dawning on me, like how
unskillful it was to try to win everything, but instead
to try to understand and build bonds. That's made me,
you know, whenever I'm now people who have very different
views than what I have. Instead of wanting to argue.
(44:08):
My new default is to say tell me more, right,
like tell me more like, explain to me more like
how you're getting to this point, because it's out of
sheer curiosity, like I don't you know, even if I
don't agree, I'm so curious about how you got there.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
Yeah, And I mean it makes me think of, for instance,
if there's a brand that reaches out to me and
wants to do an event and then two weeks later
the event is off the table and it's not of
their interest. It could be understandable that someone in my
physician may get frustrated, feel insecure, wonder is it something
to do with me? But then instead of acting on
(44:48):
those thoughts and perhaps the feelings that they trigger, I
come with that approach of understanding and simply ask questions.
I will be in a better situation moving forward because
that means that that relationship is not off of the table,
and that is something that takes the reps, as you
so eloquently put before, to get to a place where
(45:08):
that is the default, where the understanding is the default.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
I love that so much too, because you're pointing at
this thing where it's like it's like quietly pleasurable to
just burn a bridge, and it's just like as opposed
to just like, you know, being the bigger person. Let
me try to be understanding, let me try to figure
out how can we like work together in the future.
But I love that you're pointing that out.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
It is quietly pleasurable to burn the bridge. But in
the long term, let me tell you, it's better not to,
better not to. It's definitely better. It's definitely better not
to now.
Speaker 2 (45:43):
Of course, I would be remiss if we didn't talk
a little bit about dating, something you cover very well
in the book. One of the things that I really
appreciated in the book was the way that you articulate
the different red and green flags when it comes to dating,
and again applicable both Yeah, within dating as well as
relationships beyond those.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
That are romantic.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
Some of the red flags all go through them pretending
to know everything. It's hard to learn anything about them
not being honest with themselves, no accountability, and making things
good for themselves, but not you. The making things good
for themselves and not you. Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1 (46:23):
Yeah, I think, even especially if that's how something is starting,
you know that there isn't like already the beginnings of
care where it's like, you know, what's an ideal place
for the two of us to meet for the both
of us, or you know, what do you want to eat?
Or you know, just making sure that both people are
feeling seen from the beginning. That's one of the loveliest questions,
(46:45):
like even from friends, is this good for you? Like
do you do you like this restaurant that we picked?
Do you like you know? Our like our plan? Do
you feel good about it? Because then it's like you're
you know, you're both just like openly just naming. Okay,
we can step forward together, and you need those type
of little check ins to just see if people are
on the same page.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
Check ins are a through line of this conversation.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
Something else that I listed, it's hard to learn anything
about them. I feel like this is something that's very
important to stress because oftentimes you can get into a
situation with someone where you think you really like them,
but then you ask yourself, what do I even know
about them? And realize that it's the idea of this
(47:30):
person and not so much the person themselves.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
What do you do when you get to that place?
Speaker 1 (47:37):
You know, it's really interesting because you want to try
to find these moments where you are both sort of
equally asking and answering questions about yourselves so that you're
painting a fuller and fuller picture. And if it's too
one sided where only one person is asking all the
(47:58):
questions or well, you know, like you don't want to
fall into that type of situation because then you may
just like, if you're the person who always asks the questions,
you may be hiding behind the questions because you don't
want to talk about yourself. So finding that equal balance
playing field is just going to make it so that
(48:20):
there's less and less of a mystery there, because you
don't want to be building a relationship with a mystery.
You want to you know, you eventually want to meet
their friends. You want to know what they do for work.
You want to have clarity so that you are building
a realistic mental map of their life and seeing if
these mental maps can come together and interlock, because you
(48:42):
have your own idea of your own life, but do
they really fit together.
Speaker 2 (48:46):
I appreciate this also in the context of friendships. Right
if you're in a friendship and you're realizing that it
is heavily weighted on one person situation versus the other.
Then you have to be realistic about what's the purpose
of this relationship in your life, because not every friendship
(49:07):
is going to necessarily be fifty to fifty. But you
do have to ask yourself what am I seeking and
what feels good for insert your name here.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
I know, and a lot of times you need to
kind of check in with yourself and see if, like,
is this a relationship that's you know, good for my
nervous system, like it does it actually feel good to
be around this new friend? Like can I really put
my guard down? Can I be myself? Do are they
like expecting me to be a very specific version of myself?
Or can I just be however I feel? And that's
(49:39):
when you really know, like cause I think sometimes like
you don't want to expect every single friendship of yours
to be the deepest friendship ever, right, Like, not everyone's
going to be your best friend. And sometimes you have
like lighter connections where people that you enjoy hanging out
with and you're truthful with them. But then there are
other people who you can like fully be yourself with
(50:02):
and show them a wide range of your character. And
I think in those really special instances. You know that
someone is really important to you when you can feel
the immediate relaxation when you're in their presence.
Speaker 3 (50:18):
Oh, it's so true.
Speaker 2 (50:19):
And I also feel as though there's an importance of
being okay with having those different types of relationships in
different times of your life. You might be in a
season right now where you really only want to spend
(50:41):
time appreciate those really deep, I can let my guard
down relationships. That doesn't mean that other people aren't important,
it's just that right now, those types of less deep,
more surface level connections aren't the kind of connections that
you're seeking or that you feel like really serve you totally.
Speaker 1 (51:02):
And you'll find too that oftentimes you end up, like
I keep seeing that in my own life, where I
end up developing newer friendships with people who I have
something to learn from, you know, where where it's like
they either they I know, my wife and I are
moving into this chapter where we might have kids, and
we've been really thinking about it. So I've been you know,
(51:23):
around around more dads, like you know, people who are
around my age, and and just like asking them mad
questions like what's it, because it's it's like, who knows
what the future will hold for us, But it's interesting
how friendships will just connect you with people that will
give you a little peek into what your future evolution
(51:44):
might look like.
Speaker 3 (51:45):
M what other questions are you asking the dads diego?
Speaker 1 (51:50):
Can they manage?
Speaker 3 (51:52):
How do they do it?
Speaker 1 (51:53):
I know, I know, it looks like chaos.
Speaker 3 (51:56):
It looks like chaos.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
It's some of the green flags that you address in
the book when it comes to dating listening with calm enjoyment.
I could list these, but I need to start with
the calm enjoyment and marinate on that because I think
that is such a beautiful way to put the goodness
that can come from a conversation that two people are
truly present in.
Speaker 1 (52:19):
I know, I know, I think. And it's hard because everybody,
like not everybody, but I would say like ninety percent
of people like love talking about themselves, right, And sometimes
you're in a conversation and like you can feel the
craving to talk about yourself. And that's why this sort
(52:40):
of line about calm enjoyment, to listen with common enjoyment,
where you are equally interested to just hear this person's story,
to just hear where they're coming from and you get
joy from listening to them. That's a really good sign
because they're so interesting to you and so not just magnetic,
but that you feel like they're well rounded in that like, wow,
(53:04):
they're really peaking your curiosity to me, that's like, that's
that's a great sign.
Speaker 3 (53:08):
It's such a good sign.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
And when I think about the individuals in my life
that I would say truly listen actively and with that
sense of calm enjoyment, I would also draw a parallel
to the fact that they are really invested in their
own personal betterment, they also are people that are no
(53:31):
strangers to things like meditation and breath work and going
within and so this really resonates with me.
Speaker 1 (53:38):
Yeah, and you like, like we mentioned before, I mean
the presence that you develop with yourself, like to be
with yourself, to be able to like literally be okay
with closing your eyes and just feeling what's happening inside
of you and knowing your own history. That builds that
quality that you can then you know, give to another
(54:00):
person and be able to listen to them, to be
able to really hold space for them while they're sharing
their journey with you. These two things are very intrinsically connected.
Speaker 3 (54:10):
Definitely.
Speaker 2 (54:10):
You also highlight kind of along the same vein here
the energy is reciprocal willingness to be vulnerable. I love
this one. They feel joy when you're happy. It seems
like such a simple thing, right, that the people around
you will be happy for you when you're happy.
Speaker 3 (54:29):
But it isn't so easy in practice.
Speaker 1 (54:32):
Why is that, I think because of craving. Honestly, craving
is really hard, and I think that's one of the
big things that I've noticed in myself that I have
been actively working on for years, is when I see
the success of another this is not a time to
feel jealousy. This is a time to feel sympathetic joy
(54:55):
for them. You know, they've worked hard, they got to
this point, they're having a fantastic moment, and celebrate them,
be happy for them. And you find the same thing
in you know, friendships where one person may be excelling,
you know, in their home life or romantic life, or
their work life, and you may feel the pangs of jealousy,
(55:16):
but you know that the connection between these two people
is so deep. When you see your best friend and
they're having a big victory and you don't feel any jealousy. Instead,
you just feel joy for them. You're like, wow, this
is so amazing. And simultaneously, in romantic relationships, you know,
you don't want to be in competition with your partner.
You want to celebrate them because they're awesome.
Speaker 3 (55:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (55:39):
Yeah, it's so important and certainly something that I've navigated personally.
I'm sure that you have as well at times. And
so for those that may see this within their relationships, again,
whether they be platonic or otherwise, is there a way
to articulate that that happiness would be really important to you?
Speaker 1 (56:00):
I think it's I think, you know, being honest and
open and just saying like, I would love to have
a partner that feels a lot of sympathetic joy. You know,
I want to be able to celebrate them when they
have victories, and I would like for them to be
able to celebrate me too. I think being open like that,
you know, you're putting your cars on the table, And
I feel like this's this sort of next wave of
(56:21):
relationships over the coming years, it's going to be much
more about being direct, being clear, like how do this
is how I want my happiness to be supported? And
this is what I can offer to you, and you know,
there being no mystery there.
Speaker 2 (56:35):
Yeah, the last green flag that you articulate. They are
actively working on developing new qualities. Why is that important
in any relationship?
Speaker 1 (56:46):
I think that's one of the coolest things. Is like
when you come across a new friend or you're dating
or just like interacting with someone and as soon as
you start going a little deep and you're like, what
are you working on? You know, like internally, like what
what's like been sort of taking your mind? Where what
are you putting your energy into? And I love hearing
when you know people are just like, I'm working on,
(57:09):
you know, being more self aware. I'm working on, you know,
trying not to react. I'm really working on pausing right now.
And when you know, especially if you're dating and you're
actively looking for a partner and asking them like, what
are you working on internally and they give you an
answer that's meaningful and real, that shows you that this
(57:29):
is an individual who of course they're not perfect, but
at least they have the strength to grow. Like that
is enough.
Speaker 3 (57:37):
Yeah, It's definitely enough.
Speaker 1 (57:39):
You know.
Speaker 2 (57:39):
We're recording this close to the top of twenty twenty
five and something that I often converse about with friends, peers, colleagues,
whomever at this time of year is what the word
is for the year? What is the intention that you're setting?
What is it that you want to walk through the
next twelve months with? I ask this question to you
(58:01):
reflecting on what you just said, knowing that every one
of us, regardless of how much work that you've put in,
has something that they're interested in cultivating, evolving, nurturing.
Speaker 3 (58:11):
So do you go, what's your word for twenty twenty five?
Speaker 1 (58:13):
Oh my gosh, can I Can I slam two of
them together?
Speaker 3 (58:16):
Please?
Speaker 1 (58:17):
So, as you was thinking, I'm I think I'm trying
to develop like healthy resilience, Like I want to have
reserves of healthy energy, so that you know, as I'm traveling,
as I'm like moving about the world and just like
working and whatnot, that I don't feel depleted. Like I
don't want to feel like I'm dragging myself from one
(58:37):
you know, work objective to another. I want to feel
like I'm strong in my body. I've been working all
these years on my mind and it's you know, I'm
going to continue working on it for the rest of
my life. But I can feel the focus now turning
into my body and wanting to really just strengthen it.
Speaker 2 (58:55):
So what I'm hearing you say is that you believe
the tool that will help you develop healthy resilience is physical.
In investing in your body, you will get to a
place where you feel as though you can continually show
up with those reserves that you're after.
Speaker 1 (59:12):
Absolutely, And I think it started first as mental, like
I had to work on my mind. I had to
work on my sadness, my anxiety. I had to work
on like you know, building non reaction and compassion. And
now I feel the lightness of mind that I can
really like turn attention to my body and be like, okay,
how can we get stronger?
Speaker 2 (59:31):
I love to hear that. I'm so excited for everything
that you're doing right now. What's to come for you?
As you sit here? What would you say you're most
excited about?
Speaker 1 (59:41):
Looking forward for this coming year? The tour that I'm
going to do that goes along with how to Love Better.
I think it's going to be really cool, Like I'm
going to do some new cities that I haven't been
to before or done events in like Austin and Boulder,
Colorado and I also have this twenty day meditation course
lined up after the tour and after the book launch
that I'm super excited about. I can't wait to go
(01:00:04):
meditate for twenty days.
Speaker 3 (01:00:06):
Your excitement is contagious. I know.
Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
In our last conversation we talked foundationally about ways that
someone can begin integrating a meditation practice into their routine.
So I'll make sure to link that in the show notes.
But thank you so much for your time today. For
those that aren't following along with you just yet, how
do they keep up with you?
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Remind them where they can get the book? Give me
all the details.
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
Yeah, sure, so you can get How to Love Better
on Amazon. You can get it at Barnes and Nobles
any bookstore. And you can follow me along on Instagram
at Young Pueblo, Yung Underscore pu e Blo. And my
new favorite place to write is also substack Young Pueblot
substack dot com.
Speaker 3 (01:00:48):
I love it. I love a substack.
Speaker 2 (01:00:50):
I'm over at Emilybody and at Hurdle Podcast another Hurdle concred.
Speaker 3 (01:00:55):
Catch you guys next time
Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
To
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