September 19, 2024 • 52 mins
Hosts Jennie Garth, Amy Robach, T.J. Holmes and Jana Kramer welcome you to an all-new podcast focusing on love, resilience, and second chances. An innovative social experiment in dating for listeners, with the goal to find long-lasting love.
Have you been unlucky in love and are ready to try again?
Email us at: IDoPod@iheartradio.com or call us at 844-4-I Do Pod (844-443-6763)
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Welcome everyone to something that you've never heard before, and
maybe never even heard of before, because this is going
to be something brand new. It's not just a podcast,
it's an interactive social experiment, and we're going to bring
all of you into our world. Those of you who
(00:35):
are looking for love, who've been burned by love, we
know what you're feeling. We've walked down that road. In fact,
some of us are still walking down that road. So
welcome everyone to the brand new podcast called I Do
Part two. I am one of your hosts, one of
four hosts, Amy Roeboch, along with my partner, the love
(00:58):
of my life, Jay Holmes.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
After that intro, I didn't feel like the level of
your life. It seemed like.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
I'm still on the road on my journey.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
There was some journey I didn't think, ooh, we were
on one together. Maybe I didn't realize you just picked
me up along your journey and then I guess you'll
drop me off at the next exit and continue your journey.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Perhaps, well, we're on a journey, we're on our dating journey.
We'll see where the road takes us.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Good Lord, I.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Want to introduce our other esteemed hosts who have lived
to tell a lot that we'll be sharing with you.
The one and only Jenny Garth, who needs no introduction.
Hello Jenny, Hi everybody. I am so excited. I'm fangirling.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
Oh right, this is gonna be so fun. Yeah, this
is something that I don't think there's ever been a
podcast like this before. We are taking love to the
next level, you guys, and we're really excited to be
doing this with you.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Oh yes, we can't wait to hear everything that you
all are feeling. We'll share what we've been going through
so you can well you won't feel so alone.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Also, our fourth and you know, certainly not last, Save
the best for last, right, Jana Kramer. It also needs
no introduction. Actress, singer, podcast host Jana You you've lived
a lot of life and you still have a lot
more to go.
Speaker 5 (02:17):
You know, what I've realized is that we all have.
And this is what I love about this show is
we all have a past. We all want one thing, right,
it's love. And so I think with all of us
having a podcast and sharing our stories on the podcast
that we do, we want to help other people through
our stories. And with this podcast, the fact that we
get to be interactive. Is why I was like, sign
me up.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yes, we're all excited because look, we've all we've all
I don't know if it's fair. We've been unlucky in love.
We've learned a lot of lessons along the way through
some loves, many loves. But this is a chance for
all of you who are listening, who've had a rough patch,
or who have had troubles in their love life. If
it didn't work out the first time, if it didn't
(02:59):
work out this second time, the third time, whatever, this
is your opportunity to have another shot at love.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
And Jenna, it's it's what first, second time, third time?
What's the charge?
Speaker 5 (03:10):
Why do we have to keep count? That's the thing, like,
I don't why are we keeping up?
Speaker 6 (03:15):
I'm with you, Janna, It's not necessary. It's so not necessary.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
Is that always a part of it?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Because I know I have felt the shame that a
marriage didn't work out in the second marriage, But with Jenna,
to you kind of make a really good point. There's
too much emphasis been on, well you didn't get it
right the first time. Something's wrong with you, not the
second time. Oh, something's really wrong right?
Speaker 5 (03:36):
Yeah, I think where my situation because on paper it
shows that I've been married four times. And I think
that's the piece where for many years I was trying
to defend that piece, because when I look at my past,
I'm like, I didn't have like when I look ago, Okay,
I really was married in my mind once. It was
a six year struggle. I'm married now to the absolute
(03:59):
love my life. But those first two I mean, I
don't get to have that. I don't get to explain it.
I did when I wrote my book. But you know,
when I was nineteen, I met my abuser, and I
don't to me, that wasn't a marriage. No one even
knew we got married. I knew him for two weeks.
We went to Vegas, said I do so silly, And
(04:20):
you know, no one knew we got married until we
went to court when he tried to kill me. So
he was off to jail for attempted murder. So, oh
my god, there's I know, sorry not to like, but
there there is a story within all of our dating lives.
And so you know, that's the asterisk that when people
talk about it, I'm like, it is not fun to
see my abuser's name every time they talk about my
(04:42):
relationship history. You know, everyone's like, oh, you were married
to this person. I'm like, that was my abuser, and
that set the stage for my relationships after that. And
you know, I married someone for the neck. The second
one was a week. I'm like, I don't call those marriages.
I knew I was trying so hard, and I was,
you know, early twenties, to be chosen and to be loved.
(05:04):
And by the time that after three years of him
just being like of me, saying love me, love me,
love me, love me, love me, he finally said, okay,
I love you. And then I realized, wait a minute,
I never actually loved him. I just wanted to feel
chosen and loved. So I married a man for a week.
And when at my wedding, I cried in the bathroom, going, wait,
this is not what I wanted, this is this was
(05:24):
not it. And I don't want to have a broken family.
I don't want to have kids with this man and
then be divorced like my parents. And so, you know,
did more work and all the healing, and then I
married my last ax, who you know, he had multiple
multiple affairs for six years, and at that point I'm like, people,
I'm like, do people honestly think that I wanted to
(05:45):
get divorced. I didn't want to have kids to get divorced,
and I could not stay in something that was unhealthy
for myself and for the kids, so I had to leave,
and so on paper, it looks terrible, but I also
me at a point now where I'm like, yes, I
just spent the last two minutes defending my past, but
also there's a piece of it where it's like I
have dropped the shame because I know what the truth
(06:08):
is in those situations, and people are always going to
look at someone's past and just see the cliff notes
of it, but they don't know the story. They don't
know what actually was, actually what happened, And my heart
in it was I the bottom lines. We all want love,
and I just went a long route to find it.
Speaker 7 (06:27):
Right.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
Well, that's the cool thing about this show, I think,
is taking people's stories and turning them around and using
it for positive reasons.
Speaker 5 (06:34):
Well and hearing their stories, you know, giving them the
opportunity instead of just reading the headlines, because that's what
drives me nuts, and like, you have no idea those
headlines are.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Well, don't have anything it's so unfair. I love what
you said, Janna, because it's so easy to look at
especially I think people in the public eye and say,
you know, and almost laugh at it. But these are
anyone who goes through. We're all human beings, and any
sort of breakup with ether it's a marriage or a
boyfriend or a girlfriend, it hurts the same. And to
(07:07):
see the headlines, it doesn't even get into any of
the details of what all of the parties were actually feeling.
So I think that's it's such a good point. And
I think everybody, if they're honest with themselves, knows what
it feels like to have a heartbreak or to have
a break up.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
So when you're in that heartbreak, it's like you don't
think you're ever gonna feel love again, or you don't
want to.
Speaker 5 (07:26):
My last divorce I was because I'm like, all right,
now I've been married three times. Who is going to
love me? I've got two kids. I must be the
common denominator. I mean, I'm bawling in my bad in mind.
I'm like, no one's gonna love me. And I'm you know,
three years later, I'm married and I have a baby,
like and I have found the love of my life.
But you truly, like you think that you are, You're
done for and people are just gonna look at your
(07:48):
past and be like, you're you're not worthy of love?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Do you still find it? Jenna?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
And listening to you, do you maybe you're trying to
break the habit, but you say it looks bad on paper,
But when folks see it on paper, do you find yourself?
Speaker 3 (08:00):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
But let me explain those first two? Do you find
yourself still trying to?
Speaker 6 (08:04):
I mean, I did it here, you did it here,
but I.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Mean for the sake of conversation is one thing. But
it's it struck me that I wonder, do you still
feel like you have to explain it? Because in some
way it's still on paper looks bad.
Speaker 6 (08:18):
You know what?
Speaker 5 (08:18):
The first time I didn't feel like I had to
explain it was actually to my now husband. He was
just like, I don't And I always felt like I
had to with previous relationships, be like, oh, this is
what happened here, and he was just like he did
not care. He saw me for me and thought my
past was strength as opposed to you know, He's like
you you fought and you you know you you love,
(08:41):
and I think that's that's a beautiful quality. Like you know,
people always want to talk about Jay Low. I'm like, listen,
she loves you know, she's just trying. And it's like
she said, she even said she had a bad picker.
But it's like, you know, yes I have too, But
I was also broken in those pieces too. So I mean,
to answer your question, I think it's one of those
things where I don't call those marriages.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
I really don't.
Speaker 5 (09:01):
I say, now, I've been married twice, because those are marriages.
Those first ones were not marriages.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah, and Jenny, do you I mean, you've obviously been
in the public guye since you were young. I told
you I was fangirling because I grew up with you
watching alongside. We went to high school together, didn't Yeah
we did, right, I feel like that. I feel like, yes,
but to have you were married young, tej and I
were both married very young. We both got married at
twenty three. You were in the public guy from the
(09:29):
very beginning. What were your What was your experience getting
divorced and being a mom and then finding love again.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
Yeah, I mean I got married at twenty one. My
situation was I had my father was sick for years
and he was my hero, and I was looking for
somebody to keep me safe and protect me from this
insane world that I was living in, and I needed
somebody to be a rock for me, and I was
trying to fill that position. And I made some hasty
(10:01):
decision on that first marriage, and also doing it so
young and not having a lot of people around me
that asked me to really look at that decision. And
before I knew it, it was happening, and then before
I knew it, it was over. And before I knew it,
I was having, you know, onto my next relationships. So
(10:22):
I feel like that was just too young for me personally.
But I did learn from it, for sure, And I
think that's the beauty of Jana, of everybody's journey here,
is that the lessons we have learned, the things we've
learned about ourselves that we want in a relationship, the
things we learned that we don't want in a relationship.
(10:42):
So we have gotten to get so clear about what
works for us and what doesn't. And it's that's a
great position to be in for people to really define
what they're looking for and what's not acceptable to them.
And to really focus on that. And I hope that
in this show that's what people will will learn to
(11:03):
do while you know, having fun, dating, figuring it all out,
and also learned to just cut themselves some slack because yeah, Janna,
we made bad choices, things didn't work out, you know whatever,
It doesn't really matter, but you're right on paper, it
can be a little bit like, ooh, that's doesn't look great.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, we have been talking about that. There are four
divorces between the two of us. But Annie, I even
hate to use the word failure or mistake because I
got two beautiful girls out of it. Out of my
first marriage and the second one, all of those missteps
created I am who I am today because I went
(11:44):
through that, and I had I not gone through that,
I wouldn't be where I am now. Tj I mentioned
you got married at twenty three eighty.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Three, and Jenny, I was hearing you say twenty one
and not being ready some of the mistakes. I can
look back now and say I had to go through this,
and I needed to learn this in this But how
is there any way or any of the four of
us could say to a young person who's in twenty
twenty one, twenty two, twenty three, anything that's going to
keep them from making right the mistakes that we already made,
(12:15):
or do you have to, Jenny, just go through that.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
You've got to learn it yourself. I mean, even now,
I have adult women as my children who are my
best friends, and I look at that a lot, and
I think, Okay, two of them would already be married
if if I don't know, if things were different if
they had lived my life. But I look at them
and I say, they're not living my life. They have
(12:39):
to make their own choices, they have to learn their
own mistakes. But and I've been asking myself this question
a lot. Will I tell them the truth about how
I really feel? Or will I hold back and let
them make their mistakes. I don't know the answer to
that honestly yet, because I haven't.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Been through it.
Speaker 4 (12:57):
I'm pretty sure I'm on the cusp. And you know,
on the twenty seven, even the twenty one year old,
they're in relationships, and I don't know what will happen
with that, but I know it will all work out,
because there's that risk, you know, as a mom, like
do I tell them what I really think? Or do
I hold back and let them make their mistakes.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
That's tough for parents been stand by.
Speaker 4 (13:20):
And yeah, because honestly, at the end of the day,
I don't know, they could be making the absolute best
right choice. I really don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
It's funny because I had joked with my daughters, and
I think they've lived a lot of life with me,
especially in the last two years. They're twenty one and eighteen.
But I used to joke and say, if you want
me to pay for your wedding, you have to be
twenty eight when your adult brain has formed, because if don't,
they say, at twenty seven, that's when you actually have,
you know, adult capacity brain waves going through. So I
(14:02):
joked with them about that. But then I want to
point out my brother and his wife were middle school
high school sweethearts, got married at twenty two and they
have one of the strongest, most beautiful marriages I've ever
personally seen. And my parents got married at eighteen and
had me at nineteen and are still together and just
celebrated their fifty second wedding anniversaries. So a race you
(14:22):
never know, you know, I don't think I'm not here
to say, Oh, the mistake was that I got married
at twenty three. I don't think we know who we are.
And my mom will say she got lucky that she
married someone who had similar values, who they had similar backgrounds,
and it just they grew up together and that can work.
So I'm not here to say wait until you get older.
Speaker 6 (14:44):
Right.
Speaker 5 (14:44):
The timeline of things are is interesting because a lot
of people now are like, oh, well, here you go again.
You got engaged and had a baby so quick and
got married so quickly after you know, meeting, And I'm like, listen,
when you're in your forties, things move a little quicker too.
You know it's and you know you know, so it's
for us. I was like, I don't think there's a timeline.
I know people that have dated for years and are
(15:06):
an unhappy marriage. I know people that had dated for
two months and got married and are in a beautiful relationship.
So I don't think that tap that timeline. I do
agree on the age piece of it, because at nineteen, yeah,
that was stupid to go off to Vegas with someone
I didn't know. But also I look at it as
a childhood stamp too, where I didn't feel like I
(15:27):
could go to my parents to talk to them about that.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
So yeah, I think it's a beautiful thing when I
see some people may call it foolish or stupid, but
I tend to be someone who looks at it through
more of a romantic lens. I think it's a beautiful
thing that you feel that passionately about somebody that you
want to commit to them, and there's a real love
of love in a weird way, and sometimes that creates
(15:51):
rash decisions and maybe you're not thinking it through the
way you should. And I point to myself as well,
because I only had on paper for six months between
my two marriages, neither of which worked out. So I didn't,
you know, take a beat.
Speaker 5 (16:08):
Would you get married again? Because that was the question
that people always ask me, And I'm like yes, I'm like, yes,
absolutely love. I love the concept and the idea and
I want That's what I've wanted for so long.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
I just got it wrong.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Isn't it funny I have said the same thing. I
have always wanted a life partner. I have always wanted
to be married. I never wanted that single, care free thing.
It wasn't something I ever aspired to do, or to
live alone or any of those things. So I think
that is why maybe we have been in multiple marriages,
because there's been this desire to have a partner and
(16:44):
a desire to make it work. Both of my marriages,
I mean, technically I think ended up being thirteen years,
but we left after twelve years. In both of them,
I tried. That's another not that you don't try if
you actually I knew much earlier, much much earlier. But
you stay because you want it to work. You love
the idea marriage, But yes, I do want to I
(17:07):
do want to be married, and I do love the
idea of having a partner and sticking with each other
through the good days.
Speaker 6 (17:13):
And the bad. TJ you feel the same.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I was about to say, I'm right here, guys, Okay.
Speaker 5 (17:20):
Let me just make sure this is aligned, because this
is what we're going to do on the show, right,
We're going to make sure people are are aligned.
Speaker 6 (17:25):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
We are so perfectly aligned in that regard. And I
suppose I am. I'm like I talk about it. I
don't like rom coms and whatnot, but I am such
a fan of love. There is nothing I love more
than a wedding. It's just the idea of somebody making
that commitment and a new beginning and building something together.
I absolutely love it.
Speaker 6 (17:44):
I love weddings too, even if it's not my wedding.
I always crack even.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
If it's not my wedding.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
I hope we get to have a wedding here.
Speaker 7 (17:54):
Let's do that, you guys.
Speaker 6 (17:55):
Let's have the and then we have to get That's
the thing.
Speaker 5 (17:58):
So whoever like they actually get married, we're all going
to their wedding, are your guys?
Speaker 1 (18:04):
So you have to invite at the last wedding. I'm
just putting this out there that TJ and I went to.
TJ gave the blessing. He also can be inefficient, so
he could step up in a couple roles if we
have any lucky couples that come out of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I can only marry people in New York and in Madison, Wisconsin.
I'll explain later why those are the two places.
Speaker 5 (18:26):
Can I throw a question to you guys really fast
about the timeline to a wedding or or engagement. Is
there something where's are you guys wanting to wait a
longer time? Are you wanting to or is it like
do do you feel like you don't have to answer this?
Speaker 6 (18:43):
If you don't want.
Speaker 5 (18:43):
I'm just kind of curious, like because of you know,
the divorce on both side. I remember talking to my
now husband about it, and it's just is there something
where you're like, all right, we've already have grown kids,
We're not trying to have more, so we can wait
or is it do you have to check bock is
off first? Like what's kind of that journey at the
stage you guys are at with where your kids are
(19:04):
at too?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Yeah, So I just sent my baby off to college,
so I am now officially an empty nester. Tej has
an eleven year old who we love, and it's actually
it's an amazing It actually makes me want to cry
at how beautiful it all is. Like that is all
we needed to get all of that in line and
(19:26):
everybody on board, and they are. But in terms of
there is no urgency in the sense that, yes, I mean,
I'm fifty one years old. I don't need to rush
into anything, and I think I have rushed into everything
in my life up until now. But he knows I
want to get married, and I know he wants to
get married, and we've both said to each other and
publicly that we want to live our lives together. So
(19:49):
we haven't put a timeline together. And I don't think
we you know, we talk about it all the time.
I don't think a week goes by where we don't
discuss like should we should we?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
We were talking about it today.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
We actually we're just talking about it twenty minutes ago.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Thirty minutes ago, Jenna, no kidding. We were sitting outside
of the studio where we are just having a conversation,
and I said, you know what, how would this day
be different if we were married?
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Right? Yeah?
Speaker 6 (20:15):
And does it change? Does it?
Speaker 5 (20:17):
You know, like if there's no urgency, then then do
you just life partner it?
Speaker 6 (20:22):
Like Goldie and Kurt.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
So it's so funny. I talk about Goldie and Kurt
all the time because I love the idea of choosing
someone every day. However that's scary is to me too
at the same time, so there is a safety and
there is a comfort, and there is an ease and
knowing that person has publicly and legally committed to working
it out with you, that they that walking away is
(20:45):
something that doesn't seem like such an easy option. And
that's always the fear of things get tough, if things
get hard, if you know, you can just walk away.
That's a scary thing on one hand, but on the
other hand, it's also a beautiful thing that you continue
to choose each other. So I'm I do I do
think that there would be I think I would feel
(21:06):
just safer and a little bit more comfortable eventually if
we married. Like that's just me being honest. I even
hate admitting that, but that's just the truth. But I
don't think it would change who we are.
Speaker 5 (21:20):
I think it's a beautiful thing that having that safety is.
That's not a you don't need him, but that feeling
of safety is with all of it is a beautiful thing.
It's I don't look at that as a bad thing.
I wouldn't be embarrassed.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
To make sure I'm being clear here, I do want
to marry Robot here. But it's a weird thing too.
There are some points in my life where I wanted
to get married, like I want to get married. Sure,
this is the first time where I can actually say
I want to marry her. It's it's a little different mentality.
People always I like to get married one day, and no,
(21:55):
I it's it's different for me this time around, where
it's marriage is not suppose to be the It doesn't
feel like it's the next step or what needs to
be done. It's been so long now, and no, I
just want to marry her.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
I feel that so much in my bones. Because I
cried to my now husband. I was like, I wish
I would have saved that walk just for you. Like
if I am like I it hurts that I I've
done it before because I was just checking that box, like, Okay,
we had the I couldn't cancel the wedding because we
had an Okay Magazine exclusive, you know.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
What I mean.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Like I'm like, oh, I no.
Speaker 6 (22:27):
I didn't even want to do it.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
You know, I get it, So I get it.
Speaker 6 (22:30):
This is just like I can't cancel them.
Speaker 5 (22:32):
I will just divorce them a week later because that
sounds better, you know, Like that's where my twenty something
brain was at, you know, like how ridiculous.
Speaker 6 (22:39):
But I'm like, I just want.
Speaker 5 (22:40):
To walk to you, like I wish I saved that
for you because I'm like, I want to marry you.
Speaker 6 (22:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I think that's so funny because before you know, that's
public pressure, the Okay magazine thing, which I totally get.
I experienced it.
Speaker 6 (22:53):
I paid half the wedding. I had to do it,
Like how could cancel people's plans?
Speaker 1 (22:57):
But even you know, when I was twenty three and was,
you know, a budding journalist, the pressure of the invitations
having gone out, the pressure of knowing people were and
me knowing already that I probably didn't want to do this,
but it was too afraid. I told my mom the
night before, I don't know that I love this person,
and yet the pressure once the wedding's on, once the
(23:19):
invitations are sent out, once you know people are expecting
you to get married, to call it off, it was
just too daunting. And I don't know if any of
you all experience that, but you know, I think and
everyone says, oh, it's just pre wedding jitters, but I
think sometimes you know, and you just can't stop the
train from leaving the station.
Speaker 6 (23:38):
Jenny feels this one.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
I know.
Speaker 4 (23:41):
I just think that that's what's so cool about this
podcast is that we are going to be able to
use our wisdom's our expertise, if you will, just our history,
the things that we have learned to help other people make,
you know, intentional decisions that they are well thought through
and they can learn from our experience hopefully, because you know,
(24:01):
sometimes people that are close to us, like our moms
or our sisters, or somebody's gonna tell us, you know,
like I was talking about before not to do it
or thinking about it, or this isn't going to change.
Bringing these things to their awareness, I think that's super important,
and I think that I would. I would be so
excited to be a person that gets to have this
(24:22):
experience with all the four of us and actually be
making decisions that I feel really good about.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
Well. Also on top of that, too is and I
don't want to speak for everyone, but I've done a
crap ton of therapy. So just like my mom, I
was helping her with her marriage the other day. She's
on her second and you know, I was telling her,
my right, Mom, you gotta set up these boundaries. And
she's like, man, that therapy really helped you, didn't it.
Jan I'm like, well, yeah, Mom, you should should also
give it a try, you.
Speaker 7 (24:48):
Know, like, yeah, it helps you can help people in
that Harriet too, I have a question for you guys,
what do you think people do wrong when they're picking
a partner, like just in general, not us, but like,
what do people do wrong when they're picking a partner.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I think you're basing a decision on a feeling, and
feelings change, and I think you have to have I
think the biggest mistake I can only speak for myself
that I made is not looking for a friend first
and a partner and a lover is obviously an important
part of the equation, but I think you get caught
(25:24):
up and swept up in catching feelings and you don't
see things clearly. You are blinded by love or lust.
Maybe it's not even love, and I think that is
what can steer people in the wrong direction.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
I picked wrong, a different type of wrong partner between
twenty and twenty five, a different type of five. It's
sometimes depends on where people are and the older. We
had this conversation with a friend of ours, a grown
ass woman who's doing her thing, and it was amazing
to hear how she was, how she was not so
(26:12):
sure or confident in her dating life as his grown
powerful woman. But in talking to her and hearing the
type of person and people she was picking, it was like,
you know better. I think folks know better at a
certain stage in their life, and they make an excuse
for Uh, well, okay, maybe he'll want kids later. Oh okay,
(26:34):
maybe maybe she'll come around to this or that. I
think we get to a certain point where you just
don't trust those instincts.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
But that's thirty five and above.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
From Yeah, once you get twenty to thirty, make all
the mistakes you want.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
You got some time to recover from them.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
And I think we think we can change people. I
think we like something and we think, oh, I can
I can change Maybe women think this. I don't know
if men think that, but I know that I thought,
well I can, I can change him. I can, And
that is the biggest mistake.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
Are you thinking you could do that? Now?
Speaker 1 (27:07):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
I'm not giving Well here's here's the deal too, though.
I think it's not even so much about Yes, yes,
I think we think we can change them, but we
we hear what they say, not what they do. So
they're saying I won't do this again. So I think
we're going off of or you know they. I'm not
just saying like he or she, but like the person
that says like, oh the I'm not going to do
(27:29):
this anymore, and then they do it.
Speaker 6 (27:31):
And that's where I love this show.
Speaker 5 (27:33):
For the idea of helping people find the red flags
and someone too, because I'm very much now on Okay,
are they saying what are they doing?
Speaker 6 (27:41):
What they say? They walk and matching?
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (27:43):
Are they are their words and actions matching? Because if not,
that is the biggest flag for me moving forward in
any relationship.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
I think people also have an idea of what they
want for their life and they try to fit it
in that It's like you're putting an actor in the role,
you know, And I think that sometimes we have to
let go of that concept. And when it also in referencing,
you know, you think you can change people. I think
(28:12):
we all have learned. I feel like most of us
have learned that we can't change people. I feel like
we need to learn that we don't want to waste
our time make that decision about like I don't want
to live my life trying to change someone. Because if
that's how they want to live their life, go do it.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Be you.
Speaker 4 (28:31):
But at the same time, you just need to really
define what it is that you want. And I've fallen
guilty of and I don't think it's a bad thing,
like seeing potential in people and not necessarily wanting to
change them. But knowing TJ what you were just talking about,
we grow and we change, and our definition of what
we want and what we need and what is acceptable
(28:51):
changes as we get older.
Speaker 6 (28:53):
And it's more than just the idea of them.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And Jenny playing on what Jenna was saying a second
ago about red flags and helping people on this podcast
identify potential red flags.
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Do you all go back?
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I mean all of us in our relationships we could
see the red flag now in hindsight, but did we
not want to see it in real time? Jenny? Do
you look back at our relationships? We actually think, man,
I can see that in real time? Or we did
see it in real time?
Speaker 6 (29:21):
We saw we saw it.
Speaker 5 (29:23):
I mean my ex husband cheated within two weeks of
us dating, and I'm like, it's fine, Oh.
Speaker 6 (29:27):
What's nervous?
Speaker 1 (29:29):
It's just nervous.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Oh he was just nervous.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
You know, like he was.
Speaker 5 (29:34):
He loved me so much as what he said that
he just didn't know how to control that feeling.
Speaker 6 (29:39):
So you know he has I'm just but like we
all see it. We just go again.
Speaker 5 (29:46):
We love to Jenny's point again, why is we love
the idea? I loved the idea of him, you know,
and so then you hear their words they'll never do
it again. And that's the point again, going back to
making sure, like the flags, that we can help people
go okay, watch this, you know, because we want help
to help people.
Speaker 4 (30:06):
Do you guys think age and age difference play a
part in a successful pairing because for me, for in
my situation, I'm married to a man that's nine years
younger than me.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Oh well TJ is four and a half years younger
than me.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
Wow, that half is the half, is what really?
Speaker 1 (30:28):
I always say, though I my friends are usually younger
than me. I am fifty one going on thirty. Like
that's just I've always felt and just been a younger person.
So and I've gone older and it actually the energies
don't match TJ. I don't know. I think we are
(30:51):
both really young at heart, and I think it does
the age for me, the number you have, I don't
think it matters. I think it's more if you enjoy
doing the same thing, if you have the same level
of energy about certain activities, like we just loved doing
things together and love to laugh, and so I don't
I don't know, would you have been if I had
been older or young, like, would that.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
Have mattered to you older than you are now?
Speaker 5 (31:14):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 4 (31:18):
On the spot.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
I know I never thought about your age. For the
eight years that we were good friends and best friends,
it was never an issue. We just were great friends,
so it was never a matter. I never thought. I
never had a chance to go, Okay, she's at age,
and is that is that okay with me? I never
got a chance to do that. So this is a
non issue for us now.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
But you know what bothered me at first? I kept
saying to you. I was like, does it bother you
that I'm older than you? Like, I've never been.
Speaker 4 (31:44):
The older one in the relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
I just I was like, what about when my number
has a six in years, isn't a five?
Speaker 3 (31:51):
Like?
Speaker 1 (31:51):
I don't know, Like, does that is that mentally an
issue for men?
Speaker 3 (31:55):
That geriatric bridge?
Speaker 1 (31:59):
I don't like that I'm in my fifties and you're
in your forties. That does bother me. I don't love it.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
It's not it's not a it's I'm sure you all experience.
You have to have someone with the same energy, you
have to have someone with the same interest, but you
can also be the exact same age, and somebody be
severely emotionally immature compared to the other. You can be
wildly no matter what the age is. That could be
a huge difference. That's the big gap I usually see
(32:24):
more often than anything, certainly in our jobs, our professions.
Sometimes people aren't on the same level career wise. It
doesn't even have to be financial, but at least in
terms of ambition, at least in terms of what they're
doing in a career. Those things are factor into the
age as well as I see.
Speaker 5 (32:39):
Yeah, Jenny, what about for you, because you said you
had that eight year gap, nine year, nine.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
Years, because it's very important.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Yeah, I think that people, You're right, age is just
a number. It's about your spirit and how you feel,
and how you guys align and how you get along
and what you enjoy and do together. Those are all
more important than the number. But I do feel like
as I age and as he ages, we're both going
(33:10):
through different things in our lives. We're in different developmental phases,
we're in different we have different needs, and it's about
finding if you're able to find a common ground with
that person. Because it's very easy to be like, oh,
we're in different places in our life, and you know,
I've I have lived all of that up and down
all around, and I don't want to have to like
(33:32):
guide him or teach him every step of the way.
I want him to develop on his own. But at
the same time, I know how much people change in
their forties to their fifties, and I hold on to
like I look forward to watching that growth for him.
I enjoy seeing him evolve. And for me, it's a
(33:55):
matter of, like you said, Amy, like wait, when I'm
I do this in my head a lite, like when
I'm sixty two, you're gonna be fifty three, And you know,
like I do the math a lot, which is weird
for me because I hate math, but I it does
creep into the back of my mind sometimes, and I
(34:15):
absolutely do notice differences in where we are in our lives,
and then I have to do that thing where you're like, hmm, okay,
you do that eighty twenty thing where eighty I gotta
find eighty percent that I love and then there's going
to be that twenty percent that I have to ask
myself is this acceptable? Is can I survive with these differences?
(34:35):
And I think that that's important for people to ask
themselves those questions going in because it does become part
of the reality of a relationship.
Speaker 5 (34:46):
Yeah, to your point, what I'm I think now this
day and age of eight of dating. You know, when
I was single, mom in it the last few years
and I'm on the apps and swiping, I'm like, oh,
there's a model after a model. I'm like, all these
looks very green on the single side of things, but
it is once you get into those relationships, it's everyone
(35:07):
has their past, everyone has their stuff. So it's sometimes
I think people are like, I've got a few friends,
my call it must be so, you know, great to
be single and dating. I'm like, it sucks, like you know,
I'm like, being single is tough. Being in a relationship
is tough. Everyone has their stuff, so it's like, you know,
I think it's also pointing that out where it's not
always greener. Sometimes you need to put in the work too.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Jenny, you said the eighty twenty rule. I was not
familiar with that. Is that a thing.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
It's something that I've learned in some of the work
that I've done over the years. Yeah, that's something that
I think is a realistic thing to consider. Because we're
we're all our own people. And I also have this
concept of there's there are two circles in every equation
of a relationship. There are two circles. There's one person
(35:59):
and then person, and they are two complete in whole circles.
And in the middle of those two circles is a square,
and that is the relationship. That's where the relationship lives
and breathes. And the two circles have to put equal
amounts into that square to make that square contain its
shape and remain whole. And while doing that, those other
two circles continue to be independent of the square. And
(36:23):
I think that there's so many different ways of learning.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Like.
Speaker 4 (36:28):
How to hope and how to try and how to
work for a successful relationship, there are a lot of
different formulas eighty twenty circle, square circle, Like I have
a lot of different concepts, but I've learned that all
through therapy and through work, and just like wanting so
desperately to be successful in a relationship like love is
very important for me. I do want to grow old
(36:50):
with someone and I feel like it takes work. It's
not for me, it's not just a magical you wear
a ring and I wear a ring and we're forever together. Like,
I want our relationship to be fulfilling, so I'm willing
to put in that work and fill up that square
even when I don't want to, you know.
Speaker 5 (37:15):
Do you guys think it's a deal breaker if someone
doesn't want to go to therapy, because I have very
strong opinions about therapy. I mean, It's changed me, my life,
my relationships. So I would really struggle if my partner
said that he wouldn't do therapy. Whether it's I'm not
saying together, I'm but you know, even just for his
own self right discovery and going and just talking to someone,
whether it's once a month or every other month or whatever.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
I think that's individual because like I think that's individual
because everybody's different on that front, you know, and some
people don't they don't believe in it, they don't need it,
they're doing fine, whatever, Like I'm always like you do you.
But for me, personally, I love to grow, and I say,
if I'm not growing, I'm slow and I want to
keep growing until the last breath of my life. And
(38:00):
for me, it's important to have a partner that recognizes
that in me and loves that about me and also
says that's inspiring, and I kind of want to be
I want to do that too, because I see the
fruits of your labor. I see how I mean, how
much I've changed from the beginning of even this relationship
to where we are today. There's so much. There's a
(38:22):
lot of change and a lot of growth that happens,
and I feel like having a partner that wants to
grow personally and together is really important, whether it's therapy
or whether it's whatever.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
What Jenna, were you saying, You.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Like, a problem doesn't necessarily have to present itself in
the relationship. It's just something you recommend and you would
like for your partner to do as a regular checkup.
Speaker 5 (38:47):
Yeah, I mean, I think it's listen because I think
we all have stuff. It's you know, they say a
lot in those places like don't wait until something happens
to go should always kind of be refining and growing,
and you know, I think I definitely was like, it's
(39:07):
not it's not a deal breaker, but if something was
to come up and it was his decision because he's
dealing with, you know, being away from his son and challenges,
it's good to talk to someone, and so I strongly
encouraged it. But if someone was straight up like, no,
I won't go ever, that would be like, oh man,
that's that to me shows that they don't even want
to try.
Speaker 4 (39:27):
Are you talking about like personal therapy versus couples therapy.
Speaker 5 (39:31):
I think it's a little bit about like if we
have when we get into trouble or maybe some communication issues,
you know, there might be a time where I'm like, hey,
can we walk can we talk this out with a therapist?
And if my partner was to say no, that would
that would really that would really make me go, wait
a minute, like this isn't this Why wouldn't you want
(39:51):
someone to help us walk through something that we can't
walk through together?
Speaker 1 (39:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Yeah, Jenny, Jenna, Is there something both of you all
have done or continue to do couples therapy?
Speaker 5 (40:01):
No, we've never done couples therapy, but I mean he's done,
He's started his own journey because he's had things that
he wanted to personally work on, and that's it was
his you know, I mentioned like, hey, maybe you should
talk to someone, and you know the fact that he
was open to it made me, you know, love him
even more the fact that he was willing to go
talk to someone. But I would never force someone. But
(40:22):
if that person gave a I don't like therapy, I
would never go. That would kind of make me go, eh,
I don't know if I like that.
Speaker 3 (40:30):
What about you, Jenny.
Speaker 4 (40:31):
I've been in that position where I didn't even at
that time my development, know how beneficial therapy could be
for me personally. So I wasn't like pushing for us
to go to therapy or or anything like that. But
when someone shows that they are too afraid to grow,
and they're too afraid, afraid to look inside and find
(40:53):
the answers within, that for me is a red flag
because I don't want to be blamed for their problems,
you know, I don't want to be the reason that
they're not happy. I want them to make themselves happy
and for us to both be happy moving forward individually.
And that's really important to me.
Speaker 5 (41:08):
TJ as a guy, though, what are your thoughts? I
feel I feel you bowing up a little bit. What
are we feeling about therapy over there?
Speaker 3 (41:14):
No quin I grew up.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
I never knew people went to therapy until maybe I
was in my late thirties.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
I grew up.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
I'm a black man in the South. We don't then
know talk about. There's just some things that did not
get discussed and never heard about. And you just my
granddad had a third grade education and he raised seven
kids on his own and all of them got college degree.
So what the hell I got to complain about. It's
that kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (41:38):
This is why I grew up around.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
So it wasn't until recent years I was the height
of my professional success, but it was the lowest I'd
ever been in my personal life. And I finally just
hit a wall and somebody who wasn't even that close
to me recognized identified. It immediately got me into therapy
and it it. It's true that they say it's like dating, right,
(42:01):
you got to go around to therapist, the therapists and
fuying one that.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
Work for you.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
Yeah, so I had to do that little that got
exhausting for a little while. But yeah, it has been helpful.
It's not something I keep up, but it was helpful
for some of the darkest periods of my life. So absolutely,
I haven't done couples therapy with Robot yet. We've talked
about doing so. We don't know why. We just want
to go what's like me?
Speaker 5 (42:25):
But there's something to it though, because so I think
there's I think there's a little bit I think too much.
So I think I had too much therapy with my
last husband because we talked so much that I think
it caused some more issues too.
Speaker 6 (42:38):
So there's a.
Speaker 5 (42:39):
Piece of that where I thought it was a where
I almost am like, now we're fighting more going to therapy.
But I do think there's something where it is helpful
when you know we might have different communication styles where
it can be helpful for someone to go, Okay, let
me help you walk through this piece and or let's
just get some tools. Because that's the thing too where
(43:01):
you know, my my therapist even said to me the
other week, she's like, you know, she's like, I'm not
breaking up with you. She's like, but you're not in
crisis anymore. You're You're good. She's like, you don't have
to come as often as you want. I'm like, no,
I love coming, like I want to keep like growing
and learning. And you know, she's like, but you don't
need to come every you know, two weeks. She's like,
let's space it out some more.
Speaker 4 (43:19):
No, bless her. I love this therapist for you.
Speaker 5 (43:22):
But you know, when it comes to like you know,
my husband and stuff, I've I've taken a few tools
that we've which i'd love to tell you know, someone
when they when they we help someone on the show
and they find a partner. But there was a check
in that I stole from therapy from my last couple
sessions with my ex. And it was this check in
that we did, and I just I sprinkled it in
(43:45):
the other night with my husband and it's like, hey,
do you mind if we do this check in just
to you know, kind of feel it out, and he
was like, wow, that was really helpful. So just having
tools to have that healthy relationship and communication I think
is great and things that we can bring to people
too that you know, come on the show and help
them find love with Ah.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Yeah, I mean. And I was very much like TJ
where I grew up in a family where I didn't
know anyone who went to therapy. Nobody went to therapy.
We went to church, and it was also just buck up,
suck it up, you know, stop complaining and thinking about
yourself and what you need is selfish you need to give.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
It to God.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
And so that's just kind of how I was raised.
But I first went into therapy right after I knew
my first marriage was not something I wanted to be
in and I didn't have the tools and how to
communicate what I wanted or needed for myself, how to
send boundaries I had. I learned a lot about myself
and I've been in I've been in therapy. I'm not
(44:47):
in it right now, but I spent a year of
this past two years weekly sessions just working on myself,
figuring out why I made the decisions I made and
why I couldn't make the decisions needed to have made.
So those I think it's I'm a huge fan of it.
I do think there could be too much of it,
and so you know, there's a way to strike a
(45:10):
healthy balance. But yes, TJ and I have even talked
about do we need to we have communication issues. I
don't know a couple who doesn't, and I think a
lot of times it's just about misunderstanding intent and the
ego gets involved, and it's just a way to learn
how to trust your partner, I think in a lot
of ways, or how to talk to your partner in
a way that they can understand, like you understand, right,
but getting your significant other to understand sometimes I make
(45:33):
it worse when I try to explain. Sometimes when I'm
trying to explain how I feel, now, we just got
into a worse fight.
Speaker 5 (45:39):
Well, this is why I always say to my husband
when we're we're talking and walking through something, I'm like,
before you respond, what did you hear me say? Because
I need to see if you can if you actually
heard what I said. So you're almost affirming what you heard.
So I'm like, what did you know? I'm like, I'm like,
don't even don't debate it, don't come back at me.
Speaker 6 (45:56):
What did you hear?
Speaker 5 (45:58):
And then he's like, I hear that you feel overwhelmed
and you know, stressed. And I'm like, okay, so once
you feel heard, then the the energy of the room
starts to calm down.
Speaker 4 (46:07):
That good, that's good advice. I love that, Jenna.
Speaker 6 (46:10):
It's been very helpful.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
I think that's amazing. But if we did that, we
would not hear at all with the other person.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
But Jenna, you ask your husband like, what did you
hear me say? I have to ask Robot, sweetheart, do
you know what you just said?
Speaker 1 (46:29):
He is a literal you know, what I meant. No,
I don't know what you meant. I know what you said,
and I you know, I think I don't want to
put all women in this category. But I mix and
blend the emotion with logic, and sometimes the emotion is
it overwhelms the logic and so when I communicate it,
(46:51):
it doesn't come out in the way he can hear it.
Speaker 4 (46:53):
And I think that men are more linear. Yeah, they
want they're more they want to.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
Hear Mine is like, well, you know what I saying.
He's like, I don't, and so that's frustrating to me.
I'm like, but on an emotional level, you know, we're
on company. No, I do not.
Speaker 5 (47:07):
That's so that's where the check in will be really
good for you guys too. And and for that I
do to listeners, because those that can't do or teach,
you know, those that can't teach, this is what we're
going to be yes, and we'll be taking that. And
when I do the check in, I think you guys
will really when we talk about that one, you guys
really like that one.
Speaker 6 (47:25):
It's really good.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
I'm excited about all the people who we can potentially help.
I know that we just want to let everyone know
who's listening. It's going to be happening over the next
couple of weeks. We're going to introduce you to our
panel of celebrity experts, and then we're going to ask
that you all check in with us. We want to
hear from you. We want to hear your stories. We
want to hear where you are in your love life
(47:48):
and what you need, what you want, what you're looking for,
and we want you to let us help you. And
you know, I I We've lived a lot of life,
We've traveled a lot of roads, and we are on
the same road together. Just just to be clear, Just
to be.
Speaker 6 (48:03):
Clear, what did you just hear? TJ? What she just said?
What did you just hear? I need you to repeat that.
Speaker 3 (48:13):
One.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
Do you all have the same communications issues? This sound
familiar to you?
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Two?
Speaker 4 (48:17):
Oh yes, yes. Women are so different in how they
hear and process and feel. We have to really acknowledge
that sometimes, and remember we're all different.
Speaker 5 (48:28):
We're so different exactly. So if you guys are looking
for love, call us one eight four four four. I
do pod guys, this is going to be so much fun.
I know, I love love. I love helping find people
find like guys I set up. I'm trying to set
up my ex husband right now. I've set up other
you know, Like I'm always like, oh, I dated this guy,
(48:49):
do you want to date him?
Speaker 6 (48:50):
Like he's great?
Speaker 5 (48:50):
Here just wasn't for me, Like this is I love
to set people up.
Speaker 1 (48:54):
We I do too. So my best friend I set
up with one of my producers at ABC News and
now they just moved in together. I'm so excited a
matchmaking success. I actually set up my first ex husband
as well with his wife. It was a friend of
a friend and I said, do you have anyone that
he can just, I don't know, hang out with? And
(49:17):
she said, are you serious? You really want me to
set your ex husband or soon to be ex husband
up with one of my friends. And I said, exactly,
I do.
Speaker 5 (49:26):
Well when you've got kids too, that's the thing. I'm like,
I want to pick someone that's going to be helping
you raising my children.
Speaker 1 (49:31):
That's such a good point.
Speaker 5 (49:32):
No, it's true though, like not to control it, like
I want to control it.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
You are the potential step mom, not for me, not
for me.
Speaker 4 (49:39):
I was like, you are on your own, you go,
you are on your own.
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Yeah, I think if you get to a point like
where I was in my first marriage divorce. We were
friends and that was that was kind of it. So
it was an easy thing to do, and I wanted
the best for him, And yes, I did want to
know that the person who my daughters at the time
were two and five, this woman who they're gonna that
(50:05):
she she kind of got a stamp of approval from
my other friends. So it made me feel better about
the whole thing. And just turns out that it worked.
So right now I have two matchmaking successes. How about you, TJ.
You were working on one the other day.
Speaker 3 (50:19):
I don't hook people up.
Speaker 2 (50:20):
I got enough problems in my own personal life and
my relationships just through somebody else.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
Now what, you're taking a step into the matchmaking business.
Speaker 3 (50:28):
And I got you here to make you.
Speaker 6 (50:30):
We got your back. I love it. Guys.
Speaker 5 (50:33):
Well, should you send us off to UH to let
people know how they can find love again?
Speaker 1 (50:38):
Yes, you can email us. We gave you the phone number.
I'll say it again one eight four four four, I
do pod pod. You can email us at I dopod
at iHeartRadio dot com. You can follow us on Instagram.
D m us put a message in the replies at
I do Part two pod. I do Part two. That's
(51:01):
the number two pod. Wait can you just can you
just translate that for me? PJ.
Speaker 3 (51:09):
You want me to tell people what you are trying to?
Speaker 1 (51:11):
Please? Please do you.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
Instagram and I do Part two pod. It's the digit too, Okay,
I do Part two pod. As in the number, don't
spell out t w O. It's two two okay, all right,
So I love this. This is I'm gonna this is
a fun tagline. I do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast
(51:36):
where falling in love is the main objective.
Speaker 5 (51:40):
That's kay kay, And we're here to help you through
all of our mistakes, all of our lessons.
Speaker 1 (51:48):
Do as we say, not as we did.
Welcome everyone to something that you've never heard before, and
maybe never even heard of before, because this is going
to be something brand new. It's not just a podcast,
it's an interactive social experiment, and we're going to bring
all of you into our world. Those of you who
(00:35):
are looking for love, who've been burned by love, we
know what you're feeling. We've walked down that road. In fact,
some of us are still walking down that road. So
welcome everyone to the brand new podcast called I Do
Part two. I am one of your hosts, one of
four hosts, Amy Roeboch, along with my partner, the love
(00:58):
of my life, Jay Holmes.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
After that intro, I didn't feel like the level of
your life. It seemed like.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
I'm still on the road on my journey.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
There was some journey I didn't think, ooh, we were
on one together. Maybe I didn't realize you just picked
me up along your journey and then I guess you'll
drop me off at the next exit and continue your journey.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Perhaps, well, we're on a journey, we're on our dating journey.
We'll see where the road takes us.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Good Lord, I.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Want to introduce our other esteemed hosts who have lived
to tell a lot that we'll be sharing with you.
The one and only Jenny Garth, who needs no introduction.
Hello Jenny, Hi everybody. I am so excited. I'm fangirling.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
Oh right, this is gonna be so fun. Yeah, this
is something that I don't think there's ever been a
podcast like this before. We are taking love to the
next level, you guys, and we're really excited to be
doing this with you.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Oh yes, we can't wait to hear everything that you
all are feeling. We'll share what we've been going through
so you can well you won't feel so alone.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Also, our fourth and you know, certainly not last, Save
the best for last, right, Jana Kramer. It also needs
no introduction. Actress, singer, podcast host Jana You you've lived
a lot of life and you still have a lot
more to go.
Speaker 5 (02:17):
You know, what I've realized is that we all have.
And this is what I love about this show is
we all have a past. We all want one thing, right,
it's love. And so I think with all of us
having a podcast and sharing our stories on the podcast
that we do, we want to help other people through
our stories. And with this podcast, the fact that we
get to be interactive. Is why I was like, sign
me up.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yes, we're all excited because look, we've all we've all
I don't know if it's fair. We've been unlucky in love.
We've learned a lot of lessons along the way through
some loves, many loves. But this is a chance for
all of you who are listening, who've had a rough patch,
or who have had troubles in their love life. If
it didn't work out the first time, if it didn't
(02:59):
work out this second time, the third time, whatever, this
is your opportunity to have another shot at love.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
And Jenna, it's it's what first, second time, third time?
What's the charge?
Speaker 5 (03:10):
Why do we have to keep count? That's the thing, like,
I don't why are we keeping up?
Speaker 6 (03:15):
I'm with you, Janna, It's not necessary. It's so not necessary.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
Is that always a part of it?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Because I know I have felt the shame that a
marriage didn't work out in the second marriage, But with Jenna,
to you kind of make a really good point. There's
too much emphasis been on, well you didn't get it
right the first time. Something's wrong with you, not the
second time. Oh, something's really wrong right?
Speaker 5 (03:36):
Yeah, I think where my situation because on paper it
shows that I've been married four times. And I think
that's the piece where for many years I was trying
to defend that piece, because when I look at my past,
I'm like, I didn't have like when I look ago, Okay,
I really was married in my mind once. It was
a six year struggle. I'm married now to the absolute
(03:59):
love my life. But those first two I mean, I
don't get to have that. I don't get to explain it.
I did when I wrote my book. But you know,
when I was nineteen, I met my abuser, and I
don't to me, that wasn't a marriage. No one even
knew we got married. I knew him for two weeks.
We went to Vegas, said I do so silly, And
(04:20):
you know, no one knew we got married until we
went to court when he tried to kill me. So
he was off to jail for attempted murder. So, oh
my god, there's I know, sorry not to like, but
there there is a story within all of our dating lives.
And so you know, that's the asterisk that when people
talk about it, I'm like, it is not fun to
see my abuser's name every time they talk about my
(04:42):
relationship history. You know, everyone's like, oh, you were married
to this person. I'm like, that was my abuser, and
that set the stage for my relationships after that. And
you know, I married someone for the neck. The second
one was a week. I'm like, I don't call those marriages.
I knew I was trying so hard, and I was,
you know, early twenties, to be chosen and to be loved.
(05:04):
And by the time that after three years of him
just being like of me, saying love me, love me,
love me, love me, love me, he finally said, okay,
I love you. And then I realized, wait a minute,
I never actually loved him. I just wanted to feel
chosen and loved. So I married a man for a week.
And when at my wedding, I cried in the bathroom, going, wait,
this is not what I wanted, this is this was
(05:24):
not it. And I don't want to have a broken family.
I don't want to have kids with this man and
then be divorced like my parents. And so, you know,
did more work and all the healing, and then I
married my last ax, who you know, he had multiple
multiple affairs for six years, and at that point I'm like, people,
I'm like, do people honestly think that I wanted to
(05:45):
get divorced. I didn't want to have kids to get divorced,
and I could not stay in something that was unhealthy
for myself and for the kids, so I had to leave,
and so on paper, it looks terrible, but I also
me at a point now where I'm like, yes, I
just spent the last two minutes defending my past, but
also there's a piece of it where it's like I
have dropped the shame because I know what the truth
(06:08):
is in those situations, and people are always going to
look at someone's past and just see the cliff notes
of it, but they don't know the story. They don't
know what actually was, actually what happened, And my heart
in it was I the bottom lines. We all want love,
and I just went a long route to find it.
Speaker 7 (06:27):
Right.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
Well, that's the cool thing about this show, I think,
is taking people's stories and turning them around and using
it for positive reasons.
Speaker 5 (06:34):
Well and hearing their stories, you know, giving them the
opportunity instead of just reading the headlines, because that's what
drives me nuts, and like, you have no idea those
headlines are.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Well, don't have anything it's so unfair. I love what
you said, Janna, because it's so easy to look at
especially I think people in the public eye and say,
you know, and almost laugh at it. But these are
anyone who goes through. We're all human beings, and any
sort of breakup with ether it's a marriage or a
boyfriend or a girlfriend, it hurts the same. And to
(07:07):
see the headlines, it doesn't even get into any of
the details of what all of the parties were actually feeling.
So I think that's it's such a good point. And
I think everybody, if they're honest with themselves, knows what
it feels like to have a heartbreak or to have
a break up.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
So when you're in that heartbreak, it's like you don't
think you're ever gonna feel love again, or you don't
want to.
Speaker 5 (07:26):
My last divorce I was because I'm like, all right,
now I've been married three times. Who is going to
love me? I've got two kids. I must be the
common denominator. I mean, I'm bawling in my bad in mind.
I'm like, no one's gonna love me. And I'm you know,
three years later, I'm married and I have a baby,
like and I have found the love of my life.
But you truly, like you think that you are, You're
done for and people are just gonna look at your
(07:48):
past and be like, you're you're not worthy of love?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Do you still find it? Jenna?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
And listening to you, do you maybe you're trying to
break the habit, but you say it looks bad on paper,
But when folks see it on paper, do you find yourself?
Speaker 3 (08:00):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
But let me explain those first two? Do you find
yourself still trying to?
Speaker 6 (08:04):
I mean, I did it here, you did it here,
but I.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Mean for the sake of conversation is one thing. But
it's it struck me that I wonder, do you still
feel like you have to explain it? Because in some
way it's still on paper looks bad.
Speaker 6 (08:18):
You know what?
Speaker 5 (08:18):
The first time I didn't feel like I had to
explain it was actually to my now husband. He was
just like, I don't And I always felt like I
had to with previous relationships, be like, oh, this is
what happened here, and he was just like he did
not care. He saw me for me and thought my
past was strength as opposed to you know, He's like
you you fought and you you know you you love,
(08:41):
and I think that's that's a beautiful quality. Like you know,
people always want to talk about Jay Low. I'm like, listen,
she loves you know, she's just trying. And it's like
she said, she even said she had a bad picker.
But it's like, you know, yes I have too, But
I was also broken in those pieces too. So I mean,
to answer your question, I think it's one of those
things where I don't call those marriages.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
I really don't.
Speaker 5 (09:01):
I say, now, I've been married twice, because those are marriages.
Those first ones were not marriages.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah, and Jenny, do you I mean, you've obviously been
in the public guye since you were young. I told
you I was fangirling because I grew up with you
watching alongside. We went to high school together, didn't Yeah
we did, right, I feel like that. I feel like, yes,
but to have you were married young, tej and I
were both married very young. We both got married at
twenty three. You were in the public guy from the
(09:29):
very beginning. What were your What was your experience getting
divorced and being a mom and then finding love again.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
Yeah, I mean I got married at twenty one. My
situation was I had my father was sick for years
and he was my hero, and I was looking for
somebody to keep me safe and protect me from this
insane world that I was living in, and I needed
somebody to be a rock for me, and I was
trying to fill that position. And I made some hasty
(10:01):
decision on that first marriage, and also doing it so
young and not having a lot of people around me
that asked me to really look at that decision. And
before I knew it, it was happening, and then before
I knew it, it was over. And before I knew it,
I was having, you know, onto my next relationships. So
(10:22):
I feel like that was just too young for me personally.
But I did learn from it, for sure, And I
think that's the beauty of Jana, of everybody's journey here,
is that the lessons we have learned, the things we've
learned about ourselves that we want in a relationship, the
things we learned that we don't want in a relationship.
(10:42):
So we have gotten to get so clear about what
works for us and what doesn't. And it's that's a
great position to be in for people to really define
what they're looking for and what's not acceptable to them.
And to really focus on that. And I hope that
in this show that's what people will will learn to
(11:03):
do while you know, having fun, dating, figuring it all out,
and also learned to just cut themselves some slack because yeah, Janna,
we made bad choices, things didn't work out, you know whatever,
It doesn't really matter, but you're right on paper, it
can be a little bit like, ooh, that's doesn't look great.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, we have been talking about that. There are four
divorces between the two of us. But Annie, I even
hate to use the word failure or mistake because I
got two beautiful girls out of it. Out of my
first marriage and the second one, all of those missteps
created I am who I am today because I went
(11:44):
through that, and I had I not gone through that,
I wouldn't be where I am now. Tj I mentioned
you got married at twenty three eighty.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Three, and Jenny, I was hearing you say twenty one
and not being ready some of the mistakes. I can
look back now and say I had to go through this,
and I needed to learn this in this But how
is there any way or any of the four of
us could say to a young person who's in twenty
twenty one, twenty two, twenty three, anything that's going to
keep them from making right the mistakes that we already made,
(12:15):
or do you have to, Jenny, just go through that.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
You've got to learn it yourself. I mean, even now,
I have adult women as my children who are my
best friends, and I look at that a lot, and
I think, Okay, two of them would already be married
if if I don't know, if things were different if
they had lived my life. But I look at them
and I say, they're not living my life. They have
(12:39):
to make their own choices, they have to learn their
own mistakes. But and I've been asking myself this question
a lot. Will I tell them the truth about how
I really feel? Or will I hold back and let
them make their mistakes. I don't know the answer to
that honestly yet, because I haven't.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Been through it.
Speaker 4 (12:57):
I'm pretty sure I'm on the cusp. And you know,
on the twenty seven, even the twenty one year old,
they're in relationships, and I don't know what will happen
with that, but I know it will all work out,
because there's that risk, you know, as a mom, like
do I tell them what I really think? Or do
I hold back and let them make their mistakes.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
That's tough for parents been stand by.
Speaker 4 (13:20):
And yeah, because honestly, at the end of the day,
I don't know, they could be making the absolute best
right choice. I really don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
It's funny because I had joked with my daughters, and
I think they've lived a lot of life with me,
especially in the last two years. They're twenty one and eighteen.
But I used to joke and say, if you want
me to pay for your wedding, you have to be
twenty eight when your adult brain has formed, because if don't,
they say, at twenty seven, that's when you actually have,
you know, adult capacity brain waves going through. So I
(14:02):
joked with them about that. But then I want to
point out my brother and his wife were middle school
high school sweethearts, got married at twenty two and they
have one of the strongest, most beautiful marriages I've ever
personally seen. And my parents got married at eighteen and
had me at nineteen and are still together and just
celebrated their fifty second wedding anniversaries. So a race you
(14:22):
never know, you know, I don't think I'm not here
to say, Oh, the mistake was that I got married
at twenty three. I don't think we know who we are.
And my mom will say she got lucky that she
married someone who had similar values, who they had similar backgrounds,
and it just they grew up together and that can work.
So I'm not here to say wait until you get older.
Speaker 6 (14:44):
Right.
Speaker 5 (14:44):
The timeline of things are is interesting because a lot
of people now are like, oh, well, here you go again.
You got engaged and had a baby so quick and
got married so quickly after you know, meeting, And I'm like, listen,
when you're in your forties, things move a little quicker too.
You know it's and you know you know, so it's
for us. I was like, I don't think there's a timeline.
I know people that have dated for years and are
(15:06):
an unhappy marriage. I know people that had dated for
two months and got married and are in a beautiful relationship.
So I don't think that tap that timeline. I do
agree on the age piece of it, because at nineteen, yeah,
that was stupid to go off to Vegas with someone
I didn't know. But also I look at it as
a childhood stamp too, where I didn't feel like I
(15:27):
could go to my parents to talk to them about that.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
So yeah, I think it's a beautiful thing when I
see some people may call it foolish or stupid, but
I tend to be someone who looks at it through
more of a romantic lens. I think it's a beautiful
thing that you feel that passionately about somebody that you
want to commit to them, and there's a real love
of love in a weird way, and sometimes that creates
(15:51):
rash decisions and maybe you're not thinking it through the
way you should. And I point to myself as well,
because I only had on paper for six months between
my two marriages, neither of which worked out. So I didn't,
you know, take a beat.
Speaker 5 (16:08):
Would you get married again? Because that was the question
that people always ask me, And I'm like yes, I'm like, yes,
absolutely love. I love the concept and the idea and
I want That's what I've wanted for so long.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
I just got it wrong.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Isn't it funny I have said the same thing. I
have always wanted a life partner. I have always wanted
to be married. I never wanted that single, care free thing.
It wasn't something I ever aspired to do, or to
live alone or any of those things. So I think
that is why maybe we have been in multiple marriages,
because there's been this desire to have a partner and
(16:44):
a desire to make it work. Both of my marriages,
I mean, technically I think ended up being thirteen years,
but we left after twelve years. In both of them,
I tried. That's another not that you don't try if
you actually I knew much earlier, much much earlier. But
you stay because you want it to work. You love
the idea marriage, But yes, I do want to I
(17:07):
do want to be married, and I do love the
idea of having a partner and sticking with each other
through the good days.
Speaker 6 (17:13):
And the bad. TJ you feel the same.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I was about to say, I'm right here, guys, Okay.
Speaker 5 (17:20):
Let me just make sure this is aligned, because this
is what we're going to do on the show, right,
We're going to make sure people are are aligned.
Speaker 6 (17:25):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
We are so perfectly aligned in that regard. And I
suppose I am. I'm like I talk about it. I
don't like rom coms and whatnot, but I am such
a fan of love. There is nothing I love more
than a wedding. It's just the idea of somebody making
that commitment and a new beginning and building something together.
I absolutely love it.
Speaker 6 (17:44):
I love weddings too, even if it's not my wedding.
I always crack even.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
If it's not my wedding.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
I hope we get to have a wedding here.
Speaker 7 (17:54):
Let's do that, you guys.
Speaker 6 (17:55):
Let's have the and then we have to get That's
the thing.
Speaker 5 (17:58):
So whoever like they actually get married, we're all going
to their wedding, are your guys?
Speaker 1 (18:04):
So you have to invite at the last wedding. I'm
just putting this out there that TJ and I went to.
TJ gave the blessing. He also can be inefficient, so
he could step up in a couple roles if we
have any lucky couples that come out of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I can only marry people in New York and in Madison, Wisconsin.
I'll explain later why those are the two places.
Speaker 5 (18:26):
Can I throw a question to you guys really fast
about the timeline to a wedding or or engagement. Is
there something where's are you guys wanting to wait a
longer time? Are you wanting to or is it like
do do you feel like you don't have to answer this?
Speaker 6 (18:43):
If you don't want.
Speaker 5 (18:43):
I'm just kind of curious, like because of you know,
the divorce on both side. I remember talking to my
now husband about it, and it's just is there something
where you're like, all right, we've already have grown kids,
We're not trying to have more, so we can wait
or is it do you have to check bock is
off first? Like what's kind of that journey at the
stage you guys are at with where your kids are
(19:04):
at too?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Yeah, So I just sent my baby off to college,
so I am now officially an empty nester. Tej has
an eleven year old who we love, and it's actually
it's an amazing It actually makes me want to cry
at how beautiful it all is. Like that is all
we needed to get all of that in line and
(19:26):
everybody on board, and they are. But in terms of
there is no urgency in the sense that, yes, I mean,
I'm fifty one years old. I don't need to rush
into anything, and I think I have rushed into everything
in my life up until now. But he knows I
want to get married, and I know he wants to
get married, and we've both said to each other and
publicly that we want to live our lives together. So
(19:49):
we haven't put a timeline together. And I don't think
we you know, we talk about it all the time.
I don't think a week goes by where we don't
discuss like should we should we?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
We were talking about it today.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
We actually we're just talking about it twenty minutes ago.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Thirty minutes ago, Jenna, no kidding. We were sitting outside
of the studio where we are just having a conversation,
and I said, you know what, how would this day
be different if we were married?
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Right? Yeah?
Speaker 6 (20:15):
And does it change? Does it?
Speaker 5 (20:17):
You know, like if there's no urgency, then then do
you just life partner it?
Speaker 6 (20:22):
Like Goldie and Kurt.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
So it's so funny. I talk about Goldie and Kurt
all the time because I love the idea of choosing
someone every day. However that's scary is to me too
at the same time, so there is a safety and
there is a comfort, and there is an ease and
knowing that person has publicly and legally committed to working
it out with you, that they that walking away is
(20:45):
something that doesn't seem like such an easy option. And
that's always the fear of things get tough, if things
get hard, if you know, you can just walk away.
That's a scary thing on one hand, but on the
other hand, it's also a beautiful thing that you continue
to choose each other. So I'm I do I do
think that there would be I think I would feel
(21:06):
just safer and a little bit more comfortable eventually if
we married. Like that's just me being honest. I even
hate admitting that, but that's just the truth. But I
don't think it would change who we are.
Speaker 5 (21:20):
I think it's a beautiful thing that having that safety is.
That's not a you don't need him, but that feeling
of safety is with all of it is a beautiful thing.
It's I don't look at that as a bad thing.
I wouldn't be embarrassed.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
To make sure I'm being clear here, I do want
to marry Robot here. But it's a weird thing too.
There are some points in my life where I wanted
to get married, like I want to get married. Sure,
this is the first time where I can actually say
I want to marry her. It's it's a little different mentality.
People always I like to get married one day, and no,
(21:55):
I it's it's different for me this time around, where
it's marriage is not suppose to be the It doesn't
feel like it's the next step or what needs to
be done. It's been so long now, and no, I
just want to marry her.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
I feel that so much in my bones. Because I
cried to my now husband. I was like, I wish
I would have saved that walk just for you. Like
if I am like I it hurts that I I've
done it before because I was just checking that box, like, Okay,
we had the I couldn't cancel the wedding because we
had an Okay Magazine exclusive, you know.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
What I mean.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Like I'm like, oh, I no.
Speaker 6 (22:27):
I didn't even want to do it.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
You know, I get it, So I get it.
Speaker 6 (22:30):
This is just like I can't cancel them.
Speaker 5 (22:32):
I will just divorce them a week later because that
sounds better, you know, Like that's where my twenty something
brain was at, you know, like how ridiculous.
Speaker 6 (22:39):
But I'm like, I just want.
Speaker 5 (22:40):
To walk to you, like I wish I saved that
for you because I'm like, I want to marry you.
Speaker 6 (22:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I think that's so funny because before you know, that's
public pressure, the Okay magazine thing, which I totally get.
I experienced it.
Speaker 6 (22:53):
I paid half the wedding. I had to do it,
Like how could cancel people's plans?
Speaker 1 (22:57):
But even you know, when I was twenty three and was,
you know, a budding journalist, the pressure of the invitations
having gone out, the pressure of knowing people were and
me knowing already that I probably didn't want to do this,
but it was too afraid. I told my mom the
night before, I don't know that I love this person,
and yet the pressure once the wedding's on, once the
(23:19):
invitations are sent out, once you know people are expecting
you to get married, to call it off, it was
just too daunting. And I don't know if any of
you all experience that, but you know, I think and
everyone says, oh, it's just pre wedding jitters, but I
think sometimes you know, and you just can't stop the
train from leaving the station.
Speaker 6 (23:38):
Jenny feels this one.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
I know.
Speaker 4 (23:41):
I just think that that's what's so cool about this
podcast is that we are going to be able to
use our wisdom's our expertise, if you will, just our history,
the things that we have learned to help other people make,
you know, intentional decisions that they are well thought through
and they can learn from our experience hopefully, because you know,
(24:01):
sometimes people that are close to us, like our moms
or our sisters, or somebody's gonna tell us, you know,
like I was talking about before not to do it
or thinking about it, or this isn't going to change.
Bringing these things to their awareness, I think that's super important,
and I think that I would. I would be so
excited to be a person that gets to have this
(24:22):
experience with all the four of us and actually be
making decisions that I feel really good about.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
Well. Also on top of that, too is and I
don't want to speak for everyone, but I've done a
crap ton of therapy. So just like my mom, I
was helping her with her marriage the other day. She's
on her second and you know, I was telling her,
my right, Mom, you gotta set up these boundaries. And
she's like, man, that therapy really helped you, didn't it.
Jan I'm like, well, yeah, Mom, you should should also
give it a try, you.
Speaker 7 (24:48):
Know, like, yeah, it helps you can help people in
that Harriet too, I have a question for you guys,
what do you think people do wrong when they're picking
a partner, like just in general, not us, but like,
what do people do wrong when they're picking a partner.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I think you're basing a decision on a feeling, and
feelings change, and I think you have to have I
think the biggest mistake I can only speak for myself
that I made is not looking for a friend first
and a partner and a lover is obviously an important
part of the equation, but I think you get caught
(25:24):
up and swept up in catching feelings and you don't
see things clearly. You are blinded by love or lust.
Maybe it's not even love, and I think that is
what can steer people in the wrong direction.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
I picked wrong, a different type of wrong partner between
twenty and twenty five, a different type of five. It's
sometimes depends on where people are and the older. We
had this conversation with a friend of ours, a grown
ass woman who's doing her thing, and it was amazing
to hear how she was, how she was not so
(26:12):
sure or confident in her dating life as his grown
powerful woman. But in talking to her and hearing the
type of person and people she was picking, it was like,
you know better. I think folks know better at a
certain stage in their life, and they make an excuse
for Uh, well, okay, maybe he'll want kids later. Oh okay,
(26:34):
maybe maybe she'll come around to this or that. I
think we get to a certain point where you just
don't trust those instincts.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
But that's thirty five and above.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
From Yeah, once you get twenty to thirty, make all
the mistakes you want.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
You got some time to recover from them.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
And I think we think we can change people. I
think we like something and we think, oh, I can
I can change Maybe women think this. I don't know
if men think that, but I know that I thought,
well I can, I can change him. I can, And
that is the biggest mistake.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
Are you thinking you could do that? Now?
Speaker 1 (27:07):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
I'm not giving Well here's here's the deal too, though.
I think it's not even so much about Yes, yes,
I think we think we can change them, but we
we hear what they say, not what they do. So
they're saying I won't do this again. So I think
we're going off of or you know they. I'm not
just saying like he or she, but like the person
that says like, oh the I'm not going to do
(27:29):
this anymore, and then they do it.
Speaker 6 (27:31):
And that's where I love this show.
Speaker 5 (27:33):
For the idea of helping people find the red flags
and someone too, because I'm very much now on Okay,
are they saying what are they doing?
Speaker 6 (27:41):
What they say? They walk and matching?
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (27:43):
Are they are their words and actions matching? Because if not,
that is the biggest flag for me moving forward in
any relationship.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
I think people also have an idea of what they
want for their life and they try to fit it
in that It's like you're putting an actor in the role,
you know, And I think that sometimes we have to
let go of that concept. And when it also in referencing,
you know, you think you can change people. I think
(28:12):
we all have learned. I feel like most of us
have learned that we can't change people. I feel like
we need to learn that we don't want to waste
our time make that decision about like I don't want
to live my life trying to change someone. Because if
that's how they want to live their life, go do it.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Be you.
Speaker 4 (28:31):
But at the same time, you just need to really
define what it is that you want. And I've fallen
guilty of and I don't think it's a bad thing,
like seeing potential in people and not necessarily wanting to
change them. But knowing TJ what you were just talking about,
we grow and we change, and our definition of what
we want and what we need and what is acceptable
(28:51):
changes as we get older.
Speaker 6 (28:53):
And it's more than just the idea of them.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And Jenny playing on what Jenna was saying a second
ago about red flags and helping people on this podcast
identify potential red flags.
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Do you all go back?
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I mean all of us in our relationships we could
see the red flag now in hindsight, but did we
not want to see it in real time? Jenny? Do
you look back at our relationships? We actually think, man,
I can see that in real time? Or we did
see it in real time?
Speaker 6 (29:21):
We saw we saw it.
Speaker 5 (29:23):
I mean my ex husband cheated within two weeks of
us dating, and I'm like, it's fine, Oh.
Speaker 6 (29:27):
What's nervous?
Speaker 1 (29:29):
It's just nervous.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Oh he was just nervous.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
You know, like he was.
Speaker 5 (29:34):
He loved me so much as what he said that
he just didn't know how to control that feeling.
Speaker 6 (29:39):
So you know he has I'm just but like we
all see it. We just go again.
Speaker 5 (29:46):
We love to Jenny's point again, why is we love
the idea? I loved the idea of him, you know,
and so then you hear their words they'll never do
it again. And that's the point again, going back to
making sure, like the flags, that we can help people
go okay, watch this, you know, because we want help
to help people.
Speaker 4 (30:06):
Do you guys think age and age difference play a
part in a successful pairing because for me, for in
my situation, I'm married to a man that's nine years
younger than me.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Oh well TJ is four and a half years younger
than me.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
Wow, that half is the half, is what really?
Speaker 1 (30:28):
I always say, though I my friends are usually younger
than me. I am fifty one going on thirty. Like
that's just I've always felt and just been a younger person.
So and I've gone older and it actually the energies
don't match TJ. I don't know. I think we are
(30:51):
both really young at heart, and I think it does
the age for me, the number you have, I don't
think it matters. I think it's more if you enjoy
doing the same thing, if you have the same level
of energy about certain activities, like we just loved doing
things together and love to laugh, and so I don't
I don't know, would you have been if I had
been older or young, like, would that.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
Have mattered to you older than you are now?
Speaker 5 (31:14):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 4 (31:18):
On the spot.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
I know I never thought about your age. For the
eight years that we were good friends and best friends,
it was never an issue. We just were great friends,
so it was never a matter. I never thought. I
never had a chance to go, Okay, she's at age,
and is that is that okay with me? I never
got a chance to do that. So this is a
non issue for us now.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
But you know what bothered me at first? I kept
saying to you. I was like, does it bother you
that I'm older than you? Like, I've never been.
Speaker 4 (31:44):
The older one in the relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
I just I was like, what about when my number
has a six in years, isn't a five?
Speaker 3 (31:51):
Like?
Speaker 1 (31:51):
I don't know, Like, does that is that mentally an
issue for men?
Speaker 3 (31:55):
That geriatric bridge?
Speaker 1 (31:59):
I don't like that I'm in my fifties and you're
in your forties. That does bother me. I don't love it.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
It's not it's not a it's I'm sure you all experience.
You have to have someone with the same energy, you
have to have someone with the same interest, but you
can also be the exact same age, and somebody be
severely emotionally immature compared to the other. You can be
wildly no matter what the age is. That could be
a huge difference. That's the big gap I usually see
(32:24):
more often than anything, certainly in our jobs, our professions.
Sometimes people aren't on the same level career wise. It
doesn't even have to be financial, but at least in
terms of ambition, at least in terms of what they're
doing in a career. Those things are factor into the
age as well as I see.
Speaker 5 (32:39):
Yeah, Jenny, what about for you, because you said you
had that eight year gap, nine year, nine.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
Years, because it's very important.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Yeah, I think that people, You're right, age is just
a number. It's about your spirit and how you feel,
and how you guys align and how you get along
and what you enjoy and do together. Those are all
more important than the number. But I do feel like
as I age and as he ages, we're both going
(33:10):
through different things in our lives. We're in different developmental phases,
we're in different we have different needs, and it's about
finding if you're able to find a common ground with
that person. Because it's very easy to be like, oh,
we're in different places in our life, and you know,
I've I have lived all of that up and down
all around, and I don't want to have to like
(33:32):
guide him or teach him every step of the way.
I want him to develop on his own. But at
the same time, I know how much people change in
their forties to their fifties, and I hold on to
like I look forward to watching that growth for him.
I enjoy seeing him evolve. And for me, it's a
(33:55):
matter of, like you said, Amy, like wait, when I'm
I do this in my head a lite, like when
I'm sixty two, you're gonna be fifty three, And you know,
like I do the math a lot, which is weird
for me because I hate math, but I it does
creep into the back of my mind sometimes, and I
(34:15):
absolutely do notice differences in where we are in our lives,
and then I have to do that thing where you're like, hmm, okay,
you do that eighty twenty thing where eighty I gotta
find eighty percent that I love and then there's going
to be that twenty percent that I have to ask
myself is this acceptable? Is can I survive with these differences?
(34:35):
And I think that that's important for people to ask
themselves those questions going in because it does become part
of the reality of a relationship.
Speaker 5 (34:46):
Yeah, to your point, what I'm I think now this
day and age of eight of dating. You know, when
I was single, mom in it the last few years
and I'm on the apps and swiping, I'm like, oh,
there's a model after a model. I'm like, all these
looks very green on the single side of things, but
it is once you get into those relationships, it's everyone
(35:07):
has their past, everyone has their stuff. So it's sometimes
I think people are like, I've got a few friends,
my call it must be so, you know, great to
be single and dating. I'm like, it sucks, like you know,
I'm like, being single is tough. Being in a relationship
is tough. Everyone has their stuff, so it's like, you know,
I think it's also pointing that out where it's not
always greener. Sometimes you need to put in the work too.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Jenny, you said the eighty twenty rule. I was not
familiar with that. Is that a thing.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
It's something that I've learned in some of the work
that I've done over the years. Yeah, that's something that
I think is a realistic thing to consider. Because we're
we're all our own people. And I also have this
concept of there's there are two circles in every equation
of a relationship. There are two circles. There's one person
(35:59):
and then person, and they are two complete in whole circles.
And in the middle of those two circles is a square,
and that is the relationship. That's where the relationship lives
and breathes. And the two circles have to put equal
amounts into that square to make that square contain its
shape and remain whole. And while doing that, those other
two circles continue to be independent of the square. And
(36:23):
I think that there's so many different ways of learning.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Like.
Speaker 4 (36:28):
How to hope and how to try and how to
work for a successful relationship, there are a lot of
different formulas eighty twenty circle, square circle, Like I have
a lot of different concepts, but I've learned that all
through therapy and through work, and just like wanting so
desperately to be successful in a relationship like love is
very important for me. I do want to grow old
(36:50):
with someone and I feel like it takes work. It's
not for me, it's not just a magical you wear
a ring and I wear a ring and we're forever together. Like,
I want our relationship to be fulfilling, so I'm willing
to put in that work and fill up that square
even when I don't want to, you know.
Speaker 5 (37:15):
Do you guys think it's a deal breaker if someone
doesn't want to go to therapy, because I have very
strong opinions about therapy. I mean, It's changed me, my life,
my relationships. So I would really struggle if my partner
said that he wouldn't do therapy. Whether it's I'm not
saying together, I'm but you know, even just for his
own self right discovery and going and just talking to someone,
whether it's once a month or every other month or whatever.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
I think that's individual because like I think that's individual
because everybody's different on that front, you know, and some
people don't they don't believe in it, they don't need it,
they're doing fine, whatever, Like I'm always like you do you.
But for me, personally, I love to grow, and I say,
if I'm not growing, I'm slow and I want to
keep growing until the last breath of my life. And
(38:00):
for me, it's important to have a partner that recognizes
that in me and loves that about me and also
says that's inspiring, and I kind of want to be
I want to do that too, because I see the
fruits of your labor. I see how I mean, how
much I've changed from the beginning of even this relationship
to where we are today. There's so much. There's a
(38:22):
lot of change and a lot of growth that happens,
and I feel like having a partner that wants to
grow personally and together is really important, whether it's therapy
or whether it's whatever.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
What Jenna, were you saying, You.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Like, a problem doesn't necessarily have to present itself in
the relationship. It's just something you recommend and you would
like for your partner to do as a regular checkup.
Speaker 5 (38:47):
Yeah, I mean, I think it's listen because I think
we all have stuff. It's you know, they say a
lot in those places like don't wait until something happens
to go should always kind of be refining and growing,
and you know, I think I definitely was like, it's
(39:07):
not it's not a deal breaker, but if something was
to come up and it was his decision because he's
dealing with, you know, being away from his son and challenges,
it's good to talk to someone, and so I strongly
encouraged it. But if someone was straight up like, no,
I won't go ever, that would be like, oh man,
that's that to me shows that they don't even want
to try.
Speaker 4 (39:27):
Are you talking about like personal therapy versus couples therapy.
Speaker 5 (39:31):
I think it's a little bit about like if we
have when we get into trouble or maybe some communication issues,
you know, there might be a time where I'm like, hey,
can we walk can we talk this out with a therapist?
And if my partner was to say no, that would
that would really that would really make me go, wait
a minute, like this isn't this Why wouldn't you want
(39:51):
someone to help us walk through something that we can't
walk through together?
Speaker 1 (39:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Yeah, Jenny, Jenna, Is there something both of you all
have done or continue to do couples therapy?
Speaker 5 (40:01):
No, we've never done couples therapy, but I mean he's done,
He's started his own journey because he's had things that
he wanted to personally work on, and that's it was
his you know, I mentioned like, hey, maybe you should
talk to someone, and you know the fact that he
was open to it made me, you know, love him
even more the fact that he was willing to go
talk to someone. But I would never force someone. But
(40:22):
if that person gave a I don't like therapy, I
would never go. That would kind of make me go, eh,
I don't know if I like that.
Speaker 3 (40:30):
What about you, Jenny.
Speaker 4 (40:31):
I've been in that position where I didn't even at
that time my development, know how beneficial therapy could be
for me personally. So I wasn't like pushing for us
to go to therapy or or anything like that. But
when someone shows that they are too afraid to grow,
and they're too afraid, afraid to look inside and find
(40:53):
the answers within, that for me is a red flag
because I don't want to be blamed for their problems,
you know, I don't want to be the reason that
they're not happy. I want them to make themselves happy
and for us to both be happy moving forward individually.
And that's really important to me.
Speaker 5 (41:08):
TJ as a guy, though, what are your thoughts? I
feel I feel you bowing up a little bit. What
are we feeling about therapy over there?
Speaker 3 (41:14):
No quin I grew up.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
I never knew people went to therapy until maybe I
was in my late thirties.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
I grew up.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
I'm a black man in the South. We don't then
know talk about. There's just some things that did not
get discussed and never heard about. And you just my
granddad had a third grade education and he raised seven
kids on his own and all of them got college degree.
So what the hell I got to complain about. It's
that kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (41:38):
This is why I grew up around.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
So it wasn't until recent years I was the height
of my professional success, but it was the lowest I'd
ever been in my personal life. And I finally just
hit a wall and somebody who wasn't even that close
to me recognized identified. It immediately got me into therapy
and it it. It's true that they say it's like dating, right,
(42:01):
you got to go around to therapist, the therapists and
fuying one that.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
Work for you.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
Yeah, so I had to do that little that got
exhausting for a little while. But yeah, it has been helpful.
It's not something I keep up, but it was helpful
for some of the darkest periods of my life. So absolutely,
I haven't done couples therapy with Robot yet. We've talked
about doing so. We don't know why. We just want
to go what's like me?
Speaker 5 (42:25):
But there's something to it though, because so I think
there's I think there's a little bit I think too much.
So I think I had too much therapy with my
last husband because we talked so much that I think
it caused some more issues too.
Speaker 6 (42:38):
So there's a.
Speaker 5 (42:39):
Piece of that where I thought it was a where
I almost am like, now we're fighting more going to therapy.
But I do think there's something where it is helpful
when you know we might have different communication styles where
it can be helpful for someone to go, Okay, let
me help you walk through this piece and or let's
just get some tools. Because that's the thing too where
(43:01):
you know, my my therapist even said to me the
other week, she's like, you know, she's like, I'm not
breaking up with you. She's like, but you're not in
crisis anymore. You're You're good. She's like, you don't have
to come as often as you want. I'm like, no,
I love coming, like I want to keep like growing
and learning. And you know, she's like, but you don't
need to come every you know, two weeks. She's like,
let's space it out some more.
Speaker 4 (43:19):
No, bless her. I love this therapist for you.
Speaker 5 (43:22):
But you know, when it comes to like you know,
my husband and stuff, I've I've taken a few tools
that we've which i'd love to tell you know, someone
when they when they we help someone on the show
and they find a partner. But there was a check
in that I stole from therapy from my last couple
sessions with my ex. And it was this check in
that we did, and I just I sprinkled it in
(43:45):
the other night with my husband and it's like, hey,
do you mind if we do this check in just
to you know, kind of feel it out, and he
was like, wow, that was really helpful. So just having
tools to have that healthy relationship and communication I think
is great and things that we can bring to people
too that you know, come on the show and help
them find love with Ah.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Yeah, I mean. And I was very much like TJ
where I grew up in a family where I didn't
know anyone who went to therapy. Nobody went to therapy.
We went to church, and it was also just buck up,
suck it up, you know, stop complaining and thinking about
yourself and what you need is selfish you need to give.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
It to God.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
And so that's just kind of how I was raised.
But I first went into therapy right after I knew
my first marriage was not something I wanted to be
in and I didn't have the tools and how to
communicate what I wanted or needed for myself, how to
send boundaries I had. I learned a lot about myself
and I've been in I've been in therapy. I'm not
(44:47):
in it right now, but I spent a year of
this past two years weekly sessions just working on myself,
figuring out why I made the decisions I made and
why I couldn't make the decisions needed to have made.
So those I think it's I'm a huge fan of it.
I do think there could be too much of it,
and so you know, there's a way to strike a
(45:10):
healthy balance. But yes, TJ and I have even talked
about do we need to we have communication issues. I
don't know a couple who doesn't, and I think a
lot of times it's just about misunderstanding intent and the
ego gets involved, and it's just a way to learn
how to trust your partner, I think in a lot
of ways, or how to talk to your partner in
a way that they can understand, like you understand, right,
but getting your significant other to understand sometimes I make
(45:33):
it worse when I try to explain. Sometimes when I'm
trying to explain how I feel, now, we just got
into a worse fight.
Speaker 5 (45:39):
Well, this is why I always say to my husband
when we're we're talking and walking through something, I'm like,
before you respond, what did you hear me say? Because
I need to see if you can if you actually
heard what I said. So you're almost affirming what you heard.
So I'm like, what did you know? I'm like, I'm like,
don't even don't debate it, don't come back at me.
Speaker 6 (45:56):
What did you hear?
Speaker 5 (45:58):
And then he's like, I hear that you feel overwhelmed
and you know, stressed. And I'm like, okay, so once
you feel heard, then the the energy of the room
starts to calm down.
Speaker 4 (46:07):
That good, that's good advice. I love that, Jenna.
Speaker 6 (46:10):
It's been very helpful.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
I think that's amazing. But if we did that, we
would not hear at all with the other person.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
But Jenna, you ask your husband like, what did you
hear me say? I have to ask Robot, sweetheart, do
you know what you just said?
Speaker 1 (46:29):
He is a literal you know, what I meant. No,
I don't know what you meant. I know what you said,
and I you know, I think I don't want to
put all women in this category. But I mix and
blend the emotion with logic, and sometimes the emotion is
it overwhelms the logic and so when I communicate it,
(46:51):
it doesn't come out in the way he can hear it.
Speaker 4 (46:53):
And I think that men are more linear. Yeah, they
want they're more they want to.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
Hear Mine is like, well, you know what I saying.
He's like, I don't, and so that's frustrating to me.
I'm like, but on an emotional level, you know, we're
on company. No, I do not.
Speaker 5 (47:07):
That's so that's where the check in will be really
good for you guys too. And and for that I
do to listeners, because those that can't do or teach,
you know, those that can't teach, this is what we're
going to be yes, and we'll be taking that. And
when I do the check in, I think you guys
will really when we talk about that one, you guys
really like that one.
Speaker 6 (47:25):
It's really good.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
I'm excited about all the people who we can potentially help.
I know that we just want to let everyone know
who's listening. It's going to be happening over the next
couple of weeks. We're going to introduce you to our
panel of celebrity experts, and then we're going to ask
that you all check in with us. We want to
hear from you. We want to hear your stories. We
want to hear where you are in your love life
(47:48):
and what you need, what you want, what you're looking for,
and we want you to let us help you. And
you know, I I We've lived a lot of life,
We've traveled a lot of roads, and we are on
the same road together. Just just to be clear, Just
to be.
Speaker 6 (48:03):
Clear, what did you just hear? TJ? What she just said?
What did you just hear? I need you to repeat that.
Speaker 3 (48:13):
One.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
Do you all have the same communications issues? This sound
familiar to you?
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Two?
Speaker 4 (48:17):
Oh yes, yes. Women are so different in how they
hear and process and feel. We have to really acknowledge
that sometimes, and remember we're all different.
Speaker 5 (48:28):
We're so different exactly. So if you guys are looking
for love, call us one eight four four four. I
do pod guys, this is going to be so much fun.
I know, I love love. I love helping find people
find like guys I set up. I'm trying to set
up my ex husband right now. I've set up other
you know, Like I'm always like, oh, I dated this guy,
(48:49):
do you want to date him?
Speaker 6 (48:50):
Like he's great?
Speaker 5 (48:50):
Here just wasn't for me, Like this is I love
to set people up.
Speaker 1 (48:54):
We I do too. So my best friend I set
up with one of my producers at ABC News and
now they just moved in together. I'm so excited a
matchmaking success. I actually set up my first ex husband
as well with his wife. It was a friend of
a friend and I said, do you have anyone that
he can just, I don't know, hang out with? And
(49:17):
she said, are you serious? You really want me to
set your ex husband or soon to be ex husband
up with one of my friends. And I said, exactly,
I do.
Speaker 5 (49:26):
Well when you've got kids too, that's the thing. I'm like,
I want to pick someone that's going to be helping
you raising my children.
Speaker 1 (49:31):
That's such a good point.
Speaker 5 (49:32):
No, it's true though, like not to control it, like
I want to control it.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
You are the potential step mom, not for me, not
for me.
Speaker 4 (49:39):
I was like, you are on your own, you go,
you are on your own.
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Yeah, I think if you get to a point like
where I was in my first marriage divorce. We were
friends and that was that was kind of it. So
it was an easy thing to do, and I wanted
the best for him, And yes, I did want to
know that the person who my daughters at the time
were two and five, this woman who they're gonna that
(50:05):
she she kind of got a stamp of approval from
my other friends. So it made me feel better about
the whole thing. And just turns out that it worked.
So right now I have two matchmaking successes. How about you, TJ.
You were working on one the other day.
Speaker 3 (50:19):
I don't hook people up.
Speaker 2 (50:20):
I got enough problems in my own personal life and
my relationships just through somebody else.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
Now what, you're taking a step into the matchmaking business.
Speaker 3 (50:28):
And I got you here to make you.
Speaker 6 (50:30):
We got your back. I love it. Guys.
Speaker 5 (50:33):
Well, should you send us off to UH to let
people know how they can find love again?
Speaker 1 (50:38):
Yes, you can email us. We gave you the phone number.
I'll say it again one eight four four four, I
do pod pod. You can email us at I dopod
at iHeartRadio dot com. You can follow us on Instagram.
D m us put a message in the replies at
I do Part two pod. I do Part two. That's
(51:01):
the number two pod. Wait can you just can you
just translate that for me? PJ.
Speaker 3 (51:09):
You want me to tell people what you are trying to?
Speaker 1 (51:11):
Please? Please do you.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
Instagram and I do Part two pod. It's the digit too, Okay,
I do Part two pod. As in the number, don't
spell out t w O. It's two two okay, all right,
So I love this. This is I'm gonna this is
a fun tagline. I do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast
(51:36):
where falling in love is the main objective.
Speaker 5 (51:40):
That's kay kay, And we're here to help you through
all of our mistakes, all of our lessons.
Speaker 1 (51:48):
Do as we say, not as we did.
Hosts And Creators
Amy Robach
T.J. Holmes
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