September 7, 2022 • 37 mins
Are you able to see and feel the value your relationships bring to your life?
From long-term relationships, marriage, flings, and rebounds—every relationship gives your soul space for expansion and expression, though it may not always feel that way.
Relationships can teach us more about ourselves than another person, because Love is an inside job. When you understand and accept who you are, you can see and accept others as they are—free of judgement, expectations, resentment or insecurity. Today Brenda explains how knowledge of the enneagram and astrology can help you on this journey of self-acceptance and big Love.
Earth School is hard, without the love, growth, and generosity the Other Side brings. Perhaps it's time to reclaim who you are in your personal great big love story?
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
of My Heart Radio. Hi y'all, I'm Julie. Hi there,
I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side. Now,
y'all need to know that we are obsessed with everything
on the other side. Yes, we are, because once you
(00:22):
learn to navigate the energetic, or to some the invisible world,
life is going to be more fun and much more serene. Heck,
yes it can, because let's be honest, Brian, earth school
is hard. In fact, you taught me that, let's crush
Earth School together. Hello, my witchy of Pooh, we are
(00:46):
going to be talking about relationships and fixing or picker.
Oh my god, I'm so excited. We could actually do
like one of those tongue twisters, like say, a fixture picker,
your hyperfect pick picker like end times. Anyway, how are
you very entertained already? So needless to say, my creative
(01:09):
elf titled this one. Well, of course I title it
because you're the one with like all the contents to
the party, because you've actually taught classes on relationships verily
entitled fixture picture us. Well, that's why we have to
call it but what we know is is that you know,
(01:31):
and perhaps I think you have some very specific examples
of people who you know are in places in their
life where they're navigating the world in a larger way. Right,
some of us just post pandemic, and some of us,
you know, have opportunities to navigate other human beings in
exciting ways. And we can go off the rails really fast.
(01:52):
Oh yeah, yeah, we will, and it can there can
be some extraordinary blessings in that, like, wow, I never
would have gone down that road without this influence. I
never were to learn this lesson, um. And you know,
other times it's more disastrous and can take years to
get back on track, right, And I think it's you know,
there is um. I'm just going to start out with
(02:13):
a quick story about it's not about fixing a picker.
It's about being able to value the relationships even if
they you still don't have them, I think. And there
was a very dear friend of mine, and what we've
talked about this that Tammy actually had lost her husband,
Victor to a heart attack, and he was sitting at
his desk at Bank of Oklahoma. I mean, how hate
(02:36):
that for him? So you know, it's been years since
Victor jumped, and you know, Tammy finally got out into
the world and had a relationship then figured out that
she actually can feel that way again. And that's a
really valuable relationship, you know, even if it if it
(02:58):
doesn't last or won't last, or does that matter, but
she now knows that she can feel that way. And
when you've lost your spouse, that is a very very
very powerful thing in someone's life. Well, and it's I mean,
talk about healing, right, it's so healing. And it's not
even about the person that she engaged with. It's really
(03:21):
about her reclaiming this ability to open her heart again exactly,
and and to prioritize and re engage in life. And
all the circuitry just lights up, both energetically, biologically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually,
like everything starts firing and she expands her whole expression
in life. And and the thing is like, when we
(03:45):
have this kind of bravery to re establish for ourselves
who we are, reclaim, redefine and initiate, take that initiation
for our own recovery, like the whole world benefits. It's
not a selfish act, is actually incredibly brave and gracious
to do that, because her whole corner of the world
(04:06):
just lit up in a way that it didn't probably
for many many months, if not years. It was years, Yeah, yeah,
it was years. Yeah, it's really it's really hard and
so in those situations though, even if it's not something
that it doesn't This is not about Tammy, but it's
about anybody who deals with something like this, any rebound
(04:26):
by the way, I mean, it's a terrible word, not
lose a spouse, but I'm going to call it rebound
because there's a lot of people who will engage in
relationships when they haven't, when they are trying to heal
from another one. Things like that. You know, there is
value even if it doesn't last, right, And that's the
whole thing. We have this weird thing in our culture
that we think we have to hang on to everybody
for the rest of our lives, and we don't. We
(04:48):
we do not. I'm sorry that was really loud. Required
that is not what I thought you were going. What
do you think I was going to say? I have
no idea it was of any pre and Steve thing.
But now we've It's it's interesting because you know that
even the concept of marriages that you know last for
(05:09):
sixty seventy eighty years, and like that gets so celebrated
and it is an extraordinary thing. But it doesn't matter
if your relationship last ten months or you know, five decades,
it doesn't matter. It's the value. How much did you
grow in that relationship? How much love did you generate
in that relationship? Full stop? Because the messiness, the fights,
(05:32):
the nitpicking, the self doubt, the betrayal, that all happens
in any relationship. But the question is how much love
did you generate? How generous were you and how much
did you cultivate and dig deep to show more of yourself?
Like that's what that's what it counts. It doesn't matter.
So if you took eighty years to do that, great,
if you took eight weeks to do that, rock the
(05:52):
f on like rock right, that's good. That's good, Like
just move on like it doesn't there's no there's nothing
extraordinary if it's not in your you know, in your
DNA or in your astrology chart or whatever, like maybe
you don't have the longevity, but that doesn't mean these
relationships can't be extraordinarily valuable to your soul. Expansion and expression,
(06:12):
so full stop, but full stop. And I and I
fully agree. And you know what you had alluded to
in the intro is you know, I think like you,
you know, I have friends in all age ranges. Um.
You know, they're like they're teenagers that I would love
to make My best friends are amazing m or people
(06:35):
who are in their eighties, it doesn't matter. Like it's
everybody in between. And some of my younger, younger than
me friends are going through a lot of the relationships stuff.
You know, it's the searching, the exploration. Then they think
they're in love and then their heart is broken and
then they realized they actually had fallen for a narcissist,
(06:56):
you know. I mean, it's it's and it's ever, it's
all of that. And I just, you know, I just
felt so motivated to talk about it because I think
there's everything is changing all every day, right, the one
constant is change and um, and and to talk a
bit more about what is important for us and like
(07:17):
you said, our advancement in terms of learning about ourselves
and then also learning to identify. And this is the
fixture picker part, you know, because there are people that
go for the same person every time and it ends
up the same way. I mean, it's like that. I
always only the close. Only the clothes change, only the
furiously sometimes not even the name changes. We had actually
that one of the audience members that everyone to marriage
(07:39):
or dated was Charlie or something right too. They don't
even change the names. So it's like the clothes change. Yeah,
so I just think that it was. It's it's worth,
you know, as having a conversation. So why don't we
take a quickie break and come back and let's talk
about the change inside that needs to happen first? Yeah,
because about that that is the level. Baby, let's do it. Yep,
(08:01):
all right, take a quickie and we are back from
not You guys don't know this, but it wasn't a
very fast break for us. We had to talk about
in between. These are shocked. We got a little chatty.
At least we didn't do the giggling till we cry
(08:23):
that happened or it does happen? It does? It does?
It makes my day anyway. So I think brand you're
gonna talk about the inside job first? Well, um, so yes,
this is what we know relationships. It's just more about
ourselves and so it's always an inside job. Yes, we absolutely,
(08:44):
you know, are distracted by shiny objects, whatever format is,
whether it's you know, the hot person, the you know,
the badass whoever you the beautiful one, the you know,
artistic one, whatever, whoever, the wealthy, successful like whatever you know,
flips your trip, whatever like flips your trip. I like it.
(09:08):
Say that backwards. I don't know, but I like it. Okay,
I was just entertaining yourself now word games. But you know,
whatever does it for you, it's because there's something in
you that's wanting to be addressed, that's wanting to be healed,
that's wanting some attention. And so that Chinese object like
(09:30):
is very distracting for us because we think we can
get it externally. But life is an inside job. Good news,
bad news. Now, it does matter very much who you
partner with for the trajectory of your life. Right, I
think you would say if you had to ended up
with someone other than Suzanne, you would have had a
very different experience, so completely different. Right, there's there's something
(09:51):
different and and so like it does matter very much,
and your whole ability to expand into who you fully
are on a soul level, that's all an inside job.
So the more you can know yourself through therapy, through meditation,
through having great friends to reflect back to you, all
(10:14):
this is who I saw, right sort of thing. And
through of course astrology, big fan astrological chart, big fan um.
That doesn't do all the work for you, but it
gives you. It's a guide, you know, it's it's a
guide for your path that says, hey, pay attention to this,
activate this. It's really exciting, you know, so interesting. I
(10:34):
recently went back to my forty high school class reunion. Yea,
yeah that when I when I moved my mom, right,
was this happened to be the same weekend? Right? Come on? Funny?
I didn't. Yeah. And so to just to have people
say things to you that you are you're just like what, like,
oh my god, that's so interesting, Like people see you
(10:57):
and it's it really says more about them than it
does about you. But it's very interesting. Rights as someone said,
oh I always knew you'd be really successful. I'm like, really,
because in high school I really had my ship together.
Not who does who has that? Who has their act together?
In high school? Nobody? Right? I mean it was you know,
it was my dad's peak of alcoholism. Uh, you know,
(11:19):
my my parents got divorced and senior and being at
the senior my senior year. So like those first three
years were just horrific, and then the last year was
just like regrouping, recovery, scrambling, you know, just being really
scrappy to make things work. So it was like super
intense and I'm like, now, why in the world would
you think I would be really successful? Like I'm so
curious like what they're seeing because it's really about them.
(11:41):
And someone said, well, you're always just such a leader,
like always one really a leader in high school. You
have control over nothing, you know, And it was just
so interesting, like so again all that was relevant to them,
and it was it just made me giggle, and it
was it is not even fully developed, So how do
you even exact you know, I'm sure that the solutions
(12:02):
that I came up with as a leader were quite
questionable here and are there. But but again, it's just
it's it's really interesting how other people you know will
trigger off you, but they're having their own inside job,
and so the best thing you can do is discover
who you are and how you navigate the world. And
what works for you and what doesn't. Is this helpful
(12:24):
or is this hurtful? Those are the two questions that
can If you can keep that in at the top
of the prefrontal cortex, you can stay in a lane
that is helpful, that it supports your expansion, your expansive expression.
And that's what we're going for now. I will also say,
(12:46):
you know, for my touro lovers out there, you know,
we all want the ace of fire, right, we all
want the hot sex card, we all want the flash,
the pizzas, you know, sweep me off my feet, can't breathe,
the sort of thing. But that can go very quickly
into like I don't have a gambrie. There's no room
in this relationship, you know, whatever it is like, it
can just really, you know, snuff you out. And so
(13:06):
you have to make sure that you don't over romanticize.
And remember the power of story that Hollywood tells you
is not always real. I mean, Disney really ruined in
our personal relationships. Oh please, don't even don't that whole
I'm gonna find my prints. Don't have much times. I've
heard that back here. I'm gonna find my prince. I'm like,
(13:29):
why don't you just print live in Minnesota. He's no
longer with us, and I don't know if you're looking
for that prints, but he know, there's any other princes
that exist. But really and truly like be be the
star role of your own movie, Like that's the whole thing. Like,
just make sure you're investing in your character development and
(13:50):
and paying attention. Is this helpful or is this ultimately hurtful?
Like sometimes you know, a big, big story sounds really
fun when you're talking to your girlfriend, but the truth
of the matter is at the end of the night,
you just feel kind of sad about it, right, and
so like be careful because the drama will be contagious,
but it's not it's ultimately hurtful. So oftentimes not every time,
(14:14):
but you know, so these are the things that we
have to be really aware of. And then you know,
and also just on a cursory level, do some work
with the innogram, find out some of the core wounds
that you we'll try to heal and sometimes recreate so
that you can heal, which is sounds really messed up,
but that's kind of how the brain can work. Like, oh,
this totally dysfunctional aspect is familiar. I'm going to double
(14:36):
down on that. You know, like you know that that
what you're talking about is a very consistent theme. Uh,
when when people reach out to talk to me about
their relationships, what they're dealing with, all that kind of stuff,
and you're like, this sounds vaguely familiar. I think it's
exactly right. And I will tell you just recently, I
(14:57):
have a friend that talked to me about a new
relationship and I was so proud of her because it
was so drastically different than the previous, like she graduated,
like she, I mean, it's so big when that breaks
is so big and I and I'm like, and I go,
it's okay if this thing doesn't last, if this isn't
(15:17):
because everybody gets stuck on forever, right, forever, relationships, forever, homes, forever,
for everything. I'm like, if you guys think it's forever,
you're much better psychic than I am, because yeah, exactly right.
And I'm just like, if it doesn't last, it's okay,
because look at how for you've come, look at who
(15:38):
you are today, look at all of how graceful you are,
and how you look at yourself differently and the confidence
that you have it's still it's you're gonna still deal
with the broken heart part, but you can deal with that.
And again this grace element that you point out, Devian
never just came up in conversation the other day that
(16:00):
we have a friend whose longtime marriage, family and and
the wife is so angry. She's so angry. It's all
about him. He's doing this, he's not doing that, and like, okay,
like the more the more, bro and the thing is, like,
(16:22):
you know, when you've got that finger pointing out someone else,
you've got three fingers pointing back on you. How how
did you co create this? Because you can't. And we
go back to you have to be the problem, you
because you are the only one that can create the solution.
You can't fix your partner, you can't you. You can
only make choices for yourself. If if you are reliant
(16:43):
on the other person to change, you're screwed, right, You're
never gonna be So what can you do? You have
to be the problem, because you have to be the
solution is the only thing you can control. So until
there's space for her to go, I can see why
I chose him, I can see how he served, particularly
when my children were small, and I can see how
(17:05):
without that core unification of the children are our global
view worldview is just so different. It's not gonna work
full stop, Like you don't all that anger is part
of the process, right, it's there's nothing wrong with it,
Like she's not doing anything wrong, but she's not in
a place of moving forward. She's not in a place
of healing or as you said, grabbing the value of
(17:25):
the relationship. She can't. She can't grab the value right now.
She's still in the in. You know, I've got to
be right. I couldn't have messed up this much like
I think someone somehow she's protecting herself in this. Oh,
I think you're absolutely right. I mean, you know how
many people will stand firm on choices because they made it. Yeah,
(17:46):
and they have to be right. It's because the other
ego can't handle it. Right By the go ahead, we're
going to go to a break into a second. But
I'm just gonna say, because I want to go back
to the title of the show about the picker. Um,
I will tell you the person that I know that
has the worst picker on the planet, and that was
my mother. She would he had the worst picker. And
(18:09):
we joked about it as when I was a kid,
and that's how we had the whole picker conversation. I'm
just like, Mom, you're a picker. Sucks. It's like she
picked my dad and she said that I wanted I
was getting too old. I wanted babies, because you know,
she had kids in her thirties and that's late in
the sixteen she might as well been. I mean she
(18:30):
had friends with Grandma's probably by then. And yeah, for real,
and she picked him because she wanted babies. She she
she didn't prioritize the relationship. It was never about about
a man for her. Ever. No, I think it was
a game for mom. I think Mom was one of
(18:50):
those people that because Mom was a good looking woman
and she had a lot of attention from men, and
I think it was a game. And and and they
were the ponds, not her. She was in charge of
the game. She was the player. She was the player, seriously,
and for a woman at that age, I mean she
would be um next month. She was born in thirty four,
(19:12):
so would next month she'd yeah, and so being a
player and a that generation, yeah, anyway, not a good picker.
I mean, she told me, I'm just gonn. I'm gonna
tell you honestly, I'm gonna try to say in the
nicest non Margaret way I can when she because she
was married before my father to a guy named Johnny.
Oh yeah, yeah, because he was a blip. I met him.
(19:34):
His name is Johnny Boyd. There's probably a ton of
him out there, so nobody's gonna assume me so um,
and he's probably not alive anymore anyway. But what I'm
about to say was quite a compliment to him. But
I asked her one time. I'm like, because I met
him and he was like a friendly guy because Alwa
was her date to high school reunions all that kind
of ship. And so I met Johnny and I'm like, so, mom,
why did you marry this guy? And she referred to
(19:56):
the size of his manhood. So somebody's referring to the
size of a body part. They don't have a good picker.
That is the stock of which I come from. I'll
be right back and welcome back. Oh my god, we
(20:26):
have so much fun on the brask Oh my god. Well,
and because apparently I had not told Brenda about the
story of my mother marrying her first husband. And by
the way, how could such a straight woman have such
a gay child? Happened every day. But here's the thing.
(20:47):
If that's what you choose, if that's what you need
in your life, it's out there for you. Obviously it
was for Margaret, um, but you get to pick, and
it served you straight. I don't understand straight people jokes,
but I think that whatever you said, I think might
have been funny. Um. But but but here's the thing.
(21:07):
It is. Understanding who you are helps you understand more
of what you are looking for in the world. And
that's why the first job is the inside job. And
then it's starting to understand and identify people that are
out there. And I and I have one category because
(21:28):
I'm going to tell you it's weird. You know how
you talked about on another episode that you have five
people that are moving right when people aren't moving right now,
and yet five, Well, I have about that many people
that are getting divorced from narcissists. Right. It weird, but
it's also true. And they're both male and female. Did
(21:49):
you hear more about like men man, he's a narcissi.
But there's one that it's there's a woman, she's a narcissist.
Like they're all equal opportunity and how to actually and
how to know because I've talked to them all and
I'm like, so what was it that drew you in?
You know, like I asked the questions, It's like why
did you pick this person? And it's really interesting and
(22:12):
I think one thing that is a very common thread
for that is um the inside job of self esteem
and that seems to be a pattern that I have
seen in this And you can't have that if you
don't understand who you are, if you don't understand what
your gifts are, what your blind spots are, what your
(22:33):
opportunities you know, learning opportunities are, and again and your
Graham astrology therapy all that, like we keep keep doubling down,
keep we even keep expanding, keep being curious about yourself
because that is and you don't want a narcissist. You
do not. They do not. They will be attracted to
(22:53):
you like white on rice. And that's the other thing
they are. They are they are red meat like people
with low selfish steam or red meat to narcissist. And
because they're they're very charming and also here's the other
thing and my my empathy for a narcissist. They're created,
not born, and there was something traumatic that happened in
(23:15):
their life, and so I actually have great my heart
goes out. I just don't want to marry one, but
it doesn't mean I can't feel for what they've had
to experience in their life. So I just want to
be really clear on that it isn't their fault, but
it doesn't mean you have to marry them. And it
is such a common thing because there's the charm and
(23:35):
they put that other person at the center of the universe.
But really what they're doing is they're putting themselves in
the center. Well, they're grooming them. So if you are,
if you are someone who likes a personal project or
things that you're really good with people and you can
change people, you know, that's just setting the trap right in.
The narcissists will come flying in because they'll be like
(23:56):
they are. They are like honey for bees. It's it's eeriously,
it's it's crazy because they are very much the same
patterns and so there's all the charm that happens, and
then there is I think you actually said that they're
the hero of every story. Listen to their stories, because
if they never tell the story of oh my god,
(24:16):
I totally mess this up, listen to this like I
face planted. If they never tell that story and they're like,
and then I came in and saved the day, and
then everyone who had and odd and how great I was,
and then I just impressed everybody. You know, that's like
way out of their lane. Like if there if there's
someone who's a lawyer, all of a sudden they showed
up and you know, gave CPR to someone or you know,
(24:37):
like it's it's just something that's that's just out of
their lane. And and it says it's such an elevated level,
you'll be like, m that's interesting. I'm seeing a theme here.
Just just and you don't have to judge it. You
just have to notice the pattern. You have to notice it.
And then and the best you can do not engage
in an interpersonal relationship if you can avoid it, because
(25:00):
it's tough. You know, I encountered uh and and and
it's funny. I think that's why they all talked to me,
is that the thing they know I understand because I
had a boss one time narcissist I read a lot
I actually had talked to my therapist about because I
wanted to figure out how to work with this person,
and I learned a lot about it. It wasn't there
was no it wasn't an intimate physical relationship, but it
(25:23):
was in a workplace. And that's the other thing. It's like,
sometimes you can't avoid it like a hand, if it's
a family member, if it's work. It doesn't have to
be your boss, but you know, it can it can
be really tough. Could be anybody. And yeah, did you
have some you know, tips and things to how to
engage and keep a distance all at the same time
(25:44):
to keep yourself Yeah, you know, because what I what
I learned about it, and what I've learned whether from
reading or talking to people, is you are the food
to keep a narcissist alive. And and they will do
anything they can to get your attention because they just
need a response from you. It doesn't have to be
(26:04):
a good response, it just has to be a response.
And what I have told everyone is you need to
starve the monster. So don't don't always respond. Don't let
them trigger you. Like this is why it's so important
to have the inside job right because you can be
very steady in that storm um knowing what you're dealing with.
And I think that is the biggest thing that I
(26:26):
have found that people say that really works is about
not feeding them because it literally is it is your
attention that they want. I think that's so brilliant and
very difficult, especially when the nervous system, whether it's like
they ping you or they you know, whether it's a
text or slack or you know, call you or whatever
it is, your instinct is like, oh my god, I
(26:47):
have to respond because otherwise they're going to be so
mad and you have to start resetting your own nervous
system that says or I can wait a beat, and
that beat might be five minutes, it might be five hours.
Never is another good beat. You don't always have to respond.
So if you're in a relationship with one, it will escalate.
(27:08):
It will escalate from I don't think dialing it only
goes one way. Psycho dialing, psycho texting, all those kinds
of things to threatening you, belittling you, trying to get
people out of your life. Another sign is when they
start to try to remove people out of your life
friends and family members because they are isolating you to
make you all they're vulnerable. Yeah, that makes you more
(27:32):
vulnerable and not recognize yourself. But then they'll do it
under the way of you're so special, we're not going
to invite anyone else. Oh there's that. But then it
gets it can also get me. Yeah no, but that's
how it starts. It starts like that, like like they like,
you have status that other people don't have, so it's
it feels like a compliment, but it turns very quickly.
(27:54):
I watched a relationship for the last twenty years and
I'm not going to mention who it is because it's
still in the senative, like it's still issues going on.
But I've watched it for the least twenty years, and
I watched the charm. I watched the this person being
made feel so special, right like Prince Charming? Shit is
(28:16):
how right to today? Fast forward? I can't tell you
how many times this person took the contents of the
other person's closet and through in the swimming pool because
they were mad. How many times they've cut off credit
cards to just punish, how many? I mean, it's like
it is ongoing into a nervous system is completely nutterly shot.
(28:39):
This person I don't even think recognizes who they are anymore.
Working on it, by the way, in it better, Like
just for the record, therapy stepped in and and committed
and things are working. So that part is fantastic. Yeah,
it's it's super important. And the ship out of you.
(28:59):
Who my god, the gas lighting, that's that's real. Oh
I just the gas lighting. It's real. But it all
started from low self esteem. Yeah, that was the draw.
That was the attraction from the narcissist to the prey.
And that's why you have to know yourself and you
(29:22):
have to like, look, you know, it's not extraordinary that
people have low self esteem, but you have to know, well,
you know, sometimes I'm not confident in these areas, and
so I have to watch in that in that way,
So I just and and I'm going to alert my friends, like, hey,
can you help me calibrate because sometimes I get lost
(29:43):
in this area, whether it's confidence or steam or what a.
Boundaries like these are some some very commonplaces where people
lose that where they start in other people and they
like those lines get blurred and so like if you
can just have a core group, the small group, one
maybe two people that you can have that conversation with
(30:05):
to keep you on the straight and narrow. Super helpful,
super critical, because a low self esteem is a very
it happens with both genders, but it's a very female
thing too to look at, and and it's worth it.
I dealt with it, you know, I was. Everyone's dealt
with it. It's part of being human. It's part of school,
and it's also I think part of being a woman.
And I was also an abused child and so he
(30:26):
literally built, you know, beat the confidence out of me.
And so I've had to deal with it, and it
took years. And I'm telling you, completely different human being
after dealing with it, Completely different human being. And the
good news is, like even when you talked about the
twenty relationship that you watched, like the healing can happen
with just a little feeding and watering, you know, like
(30:49):
just a little like this is normal, You're okay, You've
got this. That's a really good breakthrough, you know, like
just regular feeding and watering and therapy and and building
that self awareness. It comes back very quickly because it
is part of how we came to the planet. These
these patterns that create vulnerability or broken pickers. Broken pickers
(31:10):
right right, They really our whole within you. That's why
we look. It's so important to look inside because when
you look at it, you can you can help it grow.
And the other part is I'm gonna flip it around
a little bit just for a second, and just quickly
mentioned that because I know it feels like we've been
demonizing narcissist. I mean, they're really rough and they can
just they can destroy a life if you let them.
(31:32):
But I'm going to also say, if you're a relatively
healthy person, try not to pick somebody who has low
self esteem because that is a whole other thing. They're
going to tell you things that you want to hear
because they don't want to deal with you being disappointed
in them. You know, like look into all of these
things and it's this isn't like, listen, we're not trying
(31:54):
to teach a psychology lesson here, but it is worth
either one of us are qualified for that. We are
not qualified. This is life experience that we're speaking from.
But I just think it's like if you can actually,
you know, spend some time and study some of this,
like well that's me. I mean, I'm a nerd, so
I like to read about stuff, and that's how I
can start to understand it and identify it. Because the
thing is, if you actually started to under learn some
(32:15):
of this as you're doing your inner work, You're going
to identify aspects of yourself, You're gonna identify aspects of
other people. Are going to start being able. I don't
mean diagnose people, because that's not cool either, but you're
gonna just kind of realize, you know, where, where, which
direction should I be drawn to? And you'll you'll know
the answer if you do some of this work without
(32:36):
and again. And this is why I like the intogram,
because you learn all nine types when you learn your own,
and it's just always unfolding. Like I've been studying the
intagram for fifteen years, right, and Turo Turo deals with
archetypes and archetypal patterns, and I cannot tell you how
that has informed and guided my coaching, my living, my reading,
(32:57):
my everything, Like it just is an endless wealth of
wisdom and guidance and information. My favorite quick quick quick
story and I wo've gone a little over on this episode,
but sorry, Joey M is um really powerful reading I
did years ago for someone and the one of the
knights showed up. But remember which night it was, and
(33:19):
this person was in a new relationship, and I said, oh,
you think you're actually with a king, but you're actually
with a night because you actually think that that night
can be a king. And you need to care and
love about this person for who they are, not who
you want them to be. And I mean the eyes
got as big as like golf balls. Looking at that
(33:42):
was weird. I want to say pool balls or something. Anyway,
giant balls, everybody ball day. He's got big. Eyes were huge,
and I'm sounding like Margaret eyes were huge and and
and because it it resonated like that's right, I'm actually
I think he was a woman I was reading for.
(34:04):
I think that he has such potential and who I
think he can be. I go, oh no, no, no, no,
we don't do that. We don't say any people, right,
I don't care about potential. I want the real thing, right,
Sandy's right, right, yeah, she's dead on right. Another thing
to look for. Right, when you think about your picker,
it's like, don't pick somebody because you think that their potential.
(34:26):
Pick them Oh there's that too. Yes, I can make
them better. Deal with what you got, not with or
what you think, and you'll find and by doing that,
you'll end up finding the right person, the one that
you don't like. Have to fix that when you don't
have to raise the one you know that will make
you crazy. And it all, you know, works in progress.
(34:51):
Of course we are Yeah, of course we get. We
get to decide how fast we get there and not
someone else. Right, right, so you know polished that you know,
de stuff that picker do little work and again not
just for you know, the intimate relationships we have in
a life, but you know, like all relationships work, friends, family,
(35:12):
all of that, because then you can understand actually how
to once you understand yourself, when you start to understand others,
you know how to navigate and there's nothing better. Like
nobody wants to go out on a boat and not
know where they're going. They need to learn how to navigate.
We're all on our these boats in the ocean and
we have to figure out our navigation. Yea, that was Steve,
where I know, what the hell who am I? And
(35:34):
it's like but I like it. That was weird. I
was like n leave ericson or something. All right, We're
gonna wrap this up, throw down an anchor on our boat,
and remind you as you navigate all these relationships, including
the one you have with yourself, well, remind you our
(35:54):
school is hard without a picker in the other slide
every beatty pick your pick. Thank you for joining us, everyone,
and a special thanks to our producer Joey pat and
our executive producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us well.
(36:17):
We guide you. Hit us up on Instagram at other
Side Guides, or shoot us a note at high Hi
at Vibes dot store. We want to know what you think,
We want to know what you know, and we want
to hear your stories. And remember, our school is hard
without the other Side. Insider's Guide to the Other Side
(36:37):
is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcast
from my Heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Spotify,
Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
of My Heart Radio. Hi y'all, I'm Julie. Hi there,
I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side. Now,
y'all need to know that we are obsessed with everything
on the other side. Yes, we are, because once you
(00:22):
learn to navigate the energetic, or to some the invisible world,
life is going to be more fun and much more serene. Heck,
yes it can, because let's be honest, Brian, earth school
is hard. In fact, you taught me that, let's crush
Earth School together. Hello, my witchy of Pooh, we are
(00:46):
going to be talking about relationships and fixing or picker.
Oh my god, I'm so excited. We could actually do
like one of those tongue twisters, like say, a fixture picker,
your hyperfect pick picker like end times. Anyway, how are
you very entertained already? So needless to say, my creative
(01:09):
elf titled this one. Well, of course I title it
because you're the one with like all the contents to
the party, because you've actually taught classes on relationships verily
entitled fixture picture us. Well, that's why we have to
call it but what we know is is that you know,
(01:31):
and perhaps I think you have some very specific examples
of people who you know are in places in their
life where they're navigating the world in a larger way. Right,
some of us just post pandemic, and some of us,
you know, have opportunities to navigate other human beings in
exciting ways. And we can go off the rails really fast.
(01:52):
Oh yeah, yeah, we will, and it can there can
be some extraordinary blessings in that, like, wow, I never
would have gone down that road without this influence. I
never were to learn this lesson, um. And you know,
other times it's more disastrous and can take years to
get back on track, right, And I think it's you know,
there is um. I'm just going to start out with
(02:13):
a quick story about it's not about fixing a picker.
It's about being able to value the relationships even if
they you still don't have them, I think. And there
was a very dear friend of mine, and what we've
talked about this that Tammy actually had lost her husband,
Victor to a heart attack, and he was sitting at
his desk at Bank of Oklahoma. I mean, how hate
(02:36):
that for him? So you know, it's been years since
Victor jumped, and you know, Tammy finally got out into
the world and had a relationship then figured out that
she actually can feel that way again. And that's a
really valuable relationship, you know, even if it if it
(02:58):
doesn't last or won't last, or does that matter, but
she now knows that she can feel that way. And
when you've lost your spouse, that is a very very
very powerful thing in someone's life. Well, and it's I mean,
talk about healing, right, it's so healing. And it's not
even about the person that she engaged with. It's really
(03:21):
about her reclaiming this ability to open her heart again exactly,
and and to prioritize and re engage in life. And
all the circuitry just lights up, both energetically, biologically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually,
like everything starts firing and she expands her whole expression
in life. And and the thing is like, when we
(03:45):
have this kind of bravery to re establish for ourselves
who we are, reclaim, redefine and initiate, take that initiation
for our own recovery, like the whole world benefits. It's
not a selfish act, is actually incredibly brave and gracious
to do that, because her whole corner of the world
(04:06):
just lit up in a way that it didn't probably
for many many months, if not years. It was years, Yeah, yeah,
it was years. Yeah, it's really it's really hard and
so in those situations though, even if it's not something
that it doesn't This is not about Tammy, but it's
about anybody who deals with something like this, any rebound
(04:26):
by the way, I mean, it's a terrible word, not
lose a spouse, but I'm going to call it rebound
because there's a lot of people who will engage in
relationships when they haven't, when they are trying to heal
from another one. Things like that. You know, there is
value even if it doesn't last, right, And that's the
whole thing. We have this weird thing in our culture
that we think we have to hang on to everybody
for the rest of our lives, and we don't. We
(04:48):
we do not. I'm sorry that was really loud. Required
that is not what I thought you were going. What
do you think I was going to say? I have
no idea it was of any pre and Steve thing.
But now we've It's it's interesting because you know that
even the concept of marriages that you know last for
(05:09):
sixty seventy eighty years, and like that gets so celebrated
and it is an extraordinary thing. But it doesn't matter
if your relationship last ten months or you know, five decades,
it doesn't matter. It's the value. How much did you
grow in that relationship? How much love did you generate
in that relationship? Full stop? Because the messiness, the fights,
(05:32):
the nitpicking, the self doubt, the betrayal, that all happens
in any relationship. But the question is how much love
did you generate? How generous were you and how much
did you cultivate and dig deep to show more of yourself?
Like that's what that's what it counts. It doesn't matter.
So if you took eighty years to do that, great,
if you took eight weeks to do that, rock the
(05:52):
f on like rock right, that's good. That's good, Like
just move on like it doesn't there's no there's nothing
extraordinary if it's not in your you know, in your
DNA or in your astrology chart or whatever, like maybe
you don't have the longevity, but that doesn't mean these
relationships can't be extraordinarily valuable to your soul. Expansion and expression,
(06:12):
so full stop, but full stop. And I and I
fully agree. And you know what you had alluded to
in the intro is you know, I think like you,
you know, I have friends in all age ranges. Um.
You know, they're like they're teenagers that I would love
to make My best friends are amazing m or people
(06:35):
who are in their eighties, it doesn't matter. Like it's
everybody in between. And some of my younger, younger than
me friends are going through a lot of the relationships stuff.
You know, it's the searching, the exploration. Then they think
they're in love and then their heart is broken and
then they realized they actually had fallen for a narcissist,
(06:56):
you know. I mean, it's it's and it's ever, it's
all of that. And I just, you know, I just
felt so motivated to talk about it because I think
there's everything is changing all every day, right, the one
constant is change and um, and and to talk a
bit more about what is important for us and like
(07:17):
you said, our advancement in terms of learning about ourselves
and then also learning to identify. And this is the
fixture picker part, you know, because there are people that
go for the same person every time and it ends
up the same way. I mean, it's like that. I
always only the close. Only the clothes change, only the
furiously sometimes not even the name changes. We had actually
that one of the audience members that everyone to marriage
(07:39):
or dated was Charlie or something right too. They don't
even change the names. So it's like the clothes change. Yeah,
so I just think that it was. It's it's worth,
you know, as having a conversation. So why don't we
take a quickie break and come back and let's talk
about the change inside that needs to happen first? Yeah,
because about that that is the level. Baby, let's do it. Yep,
(08:01):
all right, take a quickie and we are back from
not You guys don't know this, but it wasn't a
very fast break for us. We had to talk about
in between. These are shocked. We got a little chatty.
At least we didn't do the giggling till we cry
(08:23):
that happened or it does happen? It does? It does?
It makes my day anyway. So I think brand you're
gonna talk about the inside job first? Well, um, so yes,
this is what we know relationships. It's just more about
ourselves and so it's always an inside job. Yes, we absolutely,
(08:44):
you know, are distracted by shiny objects, whatever format is,
whether it's you know, the hot person, the you know,
the badass whoever you the beautiful one, the you know,
artistic one, whatever, whoever, the wealthy, successful like whatever you know,
flips your trip, whatever like flips your trip. I like it.
(09:08):
Say that backwards. I don't know, but I like it. Okay,
I was just entertaining yourself now word games. But you know,
whatever does it for you, it's because there's something in
you that's wanting to be addressed, that's wanting to be healed,
that's wanting some attention. And so that Chinese object like
(09:30):
is very distracting for us because we think we can
get it externally. But life is an inside job. Good news,
bad news. Now, it does matter very much who you
partner with for the trajectory of your life. Right, I
think you would say if you had to ended up
with someone other than Suzanne, you would have had a
very different experience, so completely different. Right, there's there's something
(09:51):
different and and so like it does matter very much,
and your whole ability to expand into who you fully
are on a soul level, that's all an inside job.
So the more you can know yourself through therapy, through meditation,
through having great friends to reflect back to you, all
(10:14):
this is who I saw, right sort of thing. And
through of course astrology, big fan astrological chart, big fan um.
That doesn't do all the work for you, but it
gives you. It's a guide, you know, it's it's a
guide for your path that says, hey, pay attention to this,
activate this. It's really exciting, you know, so interesting. I
(10:34):
recently went back to my forty high school class reunion. Yea,
yeah that when I when I moved my mom, right,
was this happened to be the same weekend? Right? Come on? Funny?
I didn't. Yeah. And so to just to have people
say things to you that you are you're just like what, like,
oh my god, that's so interesting, Like people see you
(10:57):
and it's it really says more about them than it
does about you. But it's very interesting. Rights as someone said,
oh I always knew you'd be really successful. I'm like, really,
because in high school I really had my ship together.
Not who does who has that? Who has their act together?
In high school? Nobody? Right? I mean it was you know,
it was my dad's peak of alcoholism. Uh, you know,
(11:19):
my my parents got divorced and senior and being at
the senior my senior year. So like those first three
years were just horrific, and then the last year was
just like regrouping, recovery, scrambling, you know, just being really
scrappy to make things work. So it was like super
intense and I'm like, now, why in the world would
you think I would be really successful? Like I'm so
curious like what they're seeing because it's really about them.
(11:41):
And someone said, well, you're always just such a leader,
like always one really a leader in high school. You
have control over nothing, you know, And it was just
so interesting, like so again all that was relevant to them,
and it was it just made me giggle, and it
was it is not even fully developed, So how do
you even exact you know, I'm sure that the solutions
(12:02):
that I came up with as a leader were quite
questionable here and are there. But but again, it's just
it's it's really interesting how other people you know will
trigger off you, but they're having their own inside job,
and so the best thing you can do is discover
who you are and how you navigate the world. And
what works for you and what doesn't. Is this helpful
(12:24):
or is this hurtful? Those are the two questions that
can If you can keep that in at the top
of the prefrontal cortex, you can stay in a lane
that is helpful, that it supports your expansion, your expansive expression.
And that's what we're going for now. I will also say,
(12:46):
you know, for my touro lovers out there, you know,
we all want the ace of fire, right, we all
want the hot sex card, we all want the flash,
the pizzas, you know, sweep me off my feet, can't breathe,
the sort of thing. But that can go very quickly
into like I don't have a gambrie. There's no room
in this relationship, you know, whatever it is like, it
can just really, you know, snuff you out. And so
(13:06):
you have to make sure that you don't over romanticize.
And remember the power of story that Hollywood tells you
is not always real. I mean, Disney really ruined in
our personal relationships. Oh please, don't even don't that whole
I'm gonna find my prints. Don't have much times. I've
heard that back here. I'm gonna find my prince. I'm like,
(13:29):
why don't you just print live in Minnesota. He's no
longer with us, and I don't know if you're looking
for that prints, but he know, there's any other princes
that exist. But really and truly like be be the
star role of your own movie, Like that's the whole thing. Like,
just make sure you're investing in your character development and
(13:50):
and paying attention. Is this helpful or is this ultimately hurtful?
Like sometimes you know, a big, big story sounds really
fun when you're talking to your girlfriend, but the truth
of the matter is at the end of the night,
you just feel kind of sad about it, right, and
so like be careful because the drama will be contagious,
but it's not it's ultimately hurtful. So oftentimes not every time,
(14:14):
but you know, so these are the things that we
have to be really aware of. And then you know,
and also just on a cursory level, do some work
with the innogram, find out some of the core wounds
that you we'll try to heal and sometimes recreate so
that you can heal, which is sounds really messed up,
but that's kind of how the brain can work. Like, oh,
this totally dysfunctional aspect is familiar. I'm going to double
(14:36):
down on that. You know, like you know that that
what you're talking about is a very consistent theme. Uh,
when when people reach out to talk to me about
their relationships, what they're dealing with, all that kind of stuff,
and you're like, this sounds vaguely familiar. I think it's
exactly right. And I will tell you just recently, I
(14:57):
have a friend that talked to me about a new
relationship and I was so proud of her because it
was so drastically different than the previous, like she graduated,
like she, I mean, it's so big when that breaks
is so big and I and I'm like, and I go,
it's okay if this thing doesn't last, if this isn't
(15:17):
because everybody gets stuck on forever, right, forever, relationships, forever, homes, forever,
for everything. I'm like, if you guys think it's forever,
you're much better psychic than I am, because yeah, exactly right.
And I'm just like, if it doesn't last, it's okay,
because look at how for you've come, look at who
(15:38):
you are today, look at all of how graceful you are,
and how you look at yourself differently and the confidence
that you have it's still it's you're gonna still deal
with the broken heart part, but you can deal with that.
And again this grace element that you point out, Devian
never just came up in conversation the other day that
(16:00):
we have a friend whose longtime marriage, family and and
the wife is so angry. She's so angry. It's all
about him. He's doing this, he's not doing that, and like, okay,
like the more the more, bro and the thing is, like,
(16:22):
you know, when you've got that finger pointing out someone else,
you've got three fingers pointing back on you. How how
did you co create this? Because you can't. And we
go back to you have to be the problem, you
because you are the only one that can create the solution.
You can't fix your partner, you can't you. You can
only make choices for yourself. If if you are reliant
(16:43):
on the other person to change, you're screwed, right, You're
never gonna be So what can you do? You have
to be the problem, because you have to be the
solution is the only thing you can control. So until
there's space for her to go, I can see why
I chose him, I can see how he served, particularly
when my children were small, and I can see how
(17:05):
without that core unification of the children are our global
view worldview is just so different. It's not gonna work
full stop, Like you don't all that anger is part
of the process, right, it's there's nothing wrong with it,
Like she's not doing anything wrong, but she's not in
a place of moving forward. She's not in a place
of healing or as you said, grabbing the value of
(17:25):
the relationship. She can't. She can't grab the value right now.
She's still in the in. You know, I've got to
be right. I couldn't have messed up this much like
I think someone somehow she's protecting herself in this. Oh,
I think you're absolutely right. I mean, you know how
many people will stand firm on choices because they made it. Yeah,
(17:46):
and they have to be right. It's because the other
ego can't handle it. Right By the go ahead, we're
going to go to a break into a second. But
I'm just gonna say, because I want to go back
to the title of the show about the picker. Um,
I will tell you the person that I know that
has the worst picker on the planet, and that was
my mother. She would he had the worst picker. And
(18:09):
we joked about it as when I was a kid,
and that's how we had the whole picker conversation. I'm
just like, Mom, you're a picker. Sucks. It's like she
picked my dad and she said that I wanted I
was getting too old. I wanted babies, because you know,
she had kids in her thirties and that's late in
the sixteen she might as well been. I mean she
(18:30):
had friends with Grandma's probably by then. And yeah, for real,
and she picked him because she wanted babies. She she
she didn't prioritize the relationship. It was never about about
a man for her. Ever. No, I think it was
a game for mom. I think Mom was one of
(18:50):
those people that because Mom was a good looking woman
and she had a lot of attention from men, and
I think it was a game. And and and they
were the ponds, not her. She was in charge of
the game. She was the player. She was the player, seriously,
and for a woman at that age, I mean she
would be um next month. She was born in thirty four,
(19:12):
so would next month she'd yeah, and so being a
player and a that generation, yeah, anyway, not a good picker.
I mean, she told me, I'm just gonn. I'm gonna
tell you honestly, I'm gonna try to say in the
nicest non Margaret way I can when she because she
was married before my father to a guy named Johnny.
Oh yeah, yeah, because he was a blip. I met him.
(19:34):
His name is Johnny Boyd. There's probably a ton of
him out there, so nobody's gonna assume me so um,
and he's probably not alive anymore anyway. But what I'm
about to say was quite a compliment to him. But
I asked her one time. I'm like, because I met
him and he was like a friendly guy because Alwa
was her date to high school reunions all that kind
of ship. And so I met Johnny and I'm like, so, mom,
why did you marry this guy? And she referred to
(19:56):
the size of his manhood. So somebody's referring to the
size of a body part. They don't have a good picker.
That is the stock of which I come from. I'll
be right back and welcome back. Oh my god, we
(20:26):
have so much fun on the brask Oh my god. Well,
and because apparently I had not told Brenda about the
story of my mother marrying her first husband. And by
the way, how could such a straight woman have such
a gay child? Happened every day. But here's the thing.
(20:47):
If that's what you choose, if that's what you need
in your life, it's out there for you. Obviously it
was for Margaret, um, but you get to pick, and
it served you straight. I don't understand straight people jokes,
but I think that whatever you said, I think might
have been funny. Um. But but but here's the thing.
(21:07):
It is. Understanding who you are helps you understand more
of what you are looking for in the world. And
that's why the first job is the inside job. And
then it's starting to understand and identify people that are
out there. And I and I have one category because
(21:28):
I'm going to tell you it's weird. You know how
you talked about on another episode that you have five
people that are moving right when people aren't moving right now,
and yet five, Well, I have about that many people
that are getting divorced from narcissists. Right. It weird, but
it's also true. And they're both male and female. Did
(21:49):
you hear more about like men man, he's a narcissi.
But there's one that it's there's a woman, she's a narcissist.
Like they're all equal opportunity and how to actually and
how to know because I've talked to them all and
I'm like, so what was it that drew you in?
You know, like I asked the questions, It's like why
did you pick this person? And it's really interesting and
(22:12):
I think one thing that is a very common thread
for that is um the inside job of self esteem
and that seems to be a pattern that I have
seen in this And you can't have that if you
don't understand who you are, if you don't understand what
your gifts are, what your blind spots are, what your
(22:33):
opportunities you know, learning opportunities are, and again and your
Graham astrology therapy all that, like we keep keep doubling down,
keep we even keep expanding, keep being curious about yourself
because that is and you don't want a narcissist. You
do not. They do not. They will be attracted to
(22:53):
you like white on rice. And that's the other thing
they are. They are they are red meat like people
with low selfish steam or red meat to narcissist. And
because they're they're very charming and also here's the other
thing and my my empathy for a narcissist. They're created,
not born, and there was something traumatic that happened in
(23:15):
their life, and so I actually have great my heart
goes out. I just don't want to marry one, but
it doesn't mean I can't feel for what they've had
to experience in their life. So I just want to
be really clear on that it isn't their fault, but
it doesn't mean you have to marry them. And it
is such a common thing because there's the charm and
(23:35):
they put that other person at the center of the universe.
But really what they're doing is they're putting themselves in
the center. Well, they're grooming them. So if you are,
if you are someone who likes a personal project or
things that you're really good with people and you can
change people, you know, that's just setting the trap right in.
The narcissists will come flying in because they'll be like
(23:56):
they are. They are like honey for bees. It's it's eeriously,
it's it's crazy because they are very much the same
patterns and so there's all the charm that happens, and
then there is I think you actually said that they're
the hero of every story. Listen to their stories, because
if they never tell the story of oh my god,
(24:16):
I totally mess this up, listen to this like I
face planted. If they never tell that story and they're like,
and then I came in and saved the day, and
then everyone who had and odd and how great I was,
and then I just impressed everybody. You know, that's like
way out of their lane. Like if there if there's
someone who's a lawyer, all of a sudden they showed
up and you know, gave CPR to someone or you know,
(24:37):
like it's it's just something that's that's just out of
their lane. And and it says it's such an elevated level,
you'll be like, m that's interesting. I'm seeing a theme here.
Just just and you don't have to judge it. You
just have to notice the pattern. You have to notice it.
And then and the best you can do not engage
in an interpersonal relationship if you can avoid it, because
(25:00):
it's tough. You know, I encountered uh and and and
it's funny. I think that's why they all talked to me,
is that the thing they know I understand because I
had a boss one time narcissist I read a lot
I actually had talked to my therapist about because I
wanted to figure out how to work with this person,
and I learned a lot about it. It wasn't there
was no it wasn't an intimate physical relationship, but it
(25:23):
was in a workplace. And that's the other thing. It's like,
sometimes you can't avoid it like a hand, if it's
a family member, if it's work. It doesn't have to
be your boss, but you know, it can it can
be really tough. Could be anybody. And yeah, did you
have some you know, tips and things to how to
engage and keep a distance all at the same time
(25:44):
to keep yourself Yeah, you know, because what I what
I learned about it, and what I've learned whether from
reading or talking to people, is you are the food
to keep a narcissist alive. And and they will do
anything they can to get your attention because they just
need a response from you. It doesn't have to be
(26:04):
a good response, it just has to be a response.
And what I have told everyone is you need to
starve the monster. So don't don't always respond. Don't let
them trigger you. Like this is why it's so important
to have the inside job right because you can be
very steady in that storm um knowing what you're dealing with.
And I think that is the biggest thing that I
(26:26):
have found that people say that really works is about
not feeding them because it literally is it is your
attention that they want. I think that's so brilliant and
very difficult, especially when the nervous system, whether it's like
they ping you or they you know, whether it's a
text or slack or you know, call you or whatever
it is, your instinct is like, oh my god, I
(26:47):
have to respond because otherwise they're going to be so
mad and you have to start resetting your own nervous
system that says or I can wait a beat, and
that beat might be five minutes, it might be five hours.
Never is another good beat. You don't always have to respond.
So if you're in a relationship with one, it will escalate.
(27:08):
It will escalate from I don't think dialing it only
goes one way. Psycho dialing, psycho texting, all those kinds
of things to threatening you, belittling you, trying to get
people out of your life. Another sign is when they
start to try to remove people out of your life
friends and family members because they are isolating you to
make you all they're vulnerable. Yeah, that makes you more
(27:32):
vulnerable and not recognize yourself. But then they'll do it
under the way of you're so special, we're not going
to invite anyone else. Oh there's that. But then it
gets it can also get me. Yeah no, but that's
how it starts. It starts like that, like like they like,
you have status that other people don't have, so it's
it feels like a compliment, but it turns very quickly.
(27:54):
I watched a relationship for the last twenty years and
I'm not going to mention who it is because it's
still in the senative, like it's still issues going on.
But I've watched it for the least twenty years, and
I watched the charm. I watched the this person being
made feel so special, right like Prince Charming? Shit is
(28:16):
how right to today? Fast forward? I can't tell you
how many times this person took the contents of the
other person's closet and through in the swimming pool because
they were mad. How many times they've cut off credit
cards to just punish, how many? I mean, it's like
it is ongoing into a nervous system is completely nutterly shot.
(28:39):
This person I don't even think recognizes who they are anymore.
Working on it, by the way, in it better, Like
just for the record, therapy stepped in and and committed
and things are working. So that part is fantastic. Yeah,
it's it's super important. And the ship out of you.
(28:59):
Who my god, the gas lighting, that's that's real. Oh
I just the gas lighting. It's real. But it all
started from low self esteem. Yeah, that was the draw.
That was the attraction from the narcissist to the prey.
And that's why you have to know yourself and you
(29:22):
have to like, look, you know, it's not extraordinary that
people have low self esteem, but you have to know, well,
you know, sometimes I'm not confident in these areas, and
so I have to watch in that in that way,
So I just and and I'm going to alert my friends, like, hey,
can you help me calibrate because sometimes I get lost
(29:43):
in this area, whether it's confidence or steam or what a.
Boundaries like these are some some very commonplaces where people
lose that where they start in other people and they
like those lines get blurred and so like if you
can just have a core group, the small group, one
maybe two people that you can have that conversation with
(30:05):
to keep you on the straight and narrow. Super helpful,
super critical, because a low self esteem is a very
it happens with both genders, but it's a very female
thing too to look at, and and it's worth it.
I dealt with it, you know, I was. Everyone's dealt
with it. It's part of being human. It's part of school,
and it's also I think part of being a woman.
And I was also an abused child and so he
(30:26):
literally built, you know, beat the confidence out of me.
And so I've had to deal with it, and it
took years. And I'm telling you, completely different human being
after dealing with it, Completely different human being. And the
good news is, like even when you talked about the
twenty relationship that you watched, like the healing can happen
with just a little feeding and watering, you know, like
(30:49):
just a little like this is normal, You're okay, You've
got this. That's a really good breakthrough, you know, like
just regular feeding and watering and therapy and and building
that self awareness. It comes back very quickly because it
is part of how we came to the planet. These
these patterns that create vulnerability or broken pickers. Broken pickers
(31:10):
right right, They really our whole within you. That's why
we look. It's so important to look inside because when
you look at it, you can you can help it grow.
And the other part is I'm gonna flip it around
a little bit just for a second, and just quickly
mentioned that because I know it feels like we've been
demonizing narcissist. I mean, they're really rough and they can
just they can destroy a life if you let them.
(31:32):
But I'm going to also say, if you're a relatively
healthy person, try not to pick somebody who has low
self esteem because that is a whole other thing. They're
going to tell you things that you want to hear
because they don't want to deal with you being disappointed
in them. You know, like look into all of these
things and it's this isn't like, listen, we're not trying
(31:54):
to teach a psychology lesson here, but it is worth
either one of us are qualified for that. We are
not qualified. This is life experience that we're speaking from.
But I just think it's like if you can actually,
you know, spend some time and study some of this,
like well that's me. I mean, I'm a nerd, so
I like to read about stuff, and that's how I
can start to understand it and identify it. Because the
thing is, if you actually started to under learn some
(32:15):
of this as you're doing your inner work, You're going
to identify aspects of yourself, You're gonna identify aspects of
other people. Are going to start being able. I don't
mean diagnose people, because that's not cool either, but you're
gonna just kind of realize, you know, where, where, which
direction should I be drawn to? And you'll you'll know
the answer if you do some of this work without
(32:36):
and again. And this is why I like the intogram,
because you learn all nine types when you learn your own,
and it's just always unfolding. Like I've been studying the
intagram for fifteen years, right, and Turo Turo deals with
archetypes and archetypal patterns, and I cannot tell you how
that has informed and guided my coaching, my living, my reading,
(32:57):
my everything, Like it just is an endless wealth of
wisdom and guidance and information. My favorite quick quick quick
story and I wo've gone a little over on this episode,
but sorry, Joey M is um really powerful reading I
did years ago for someone and the one of the
knights showed up. But remember which night it was, and
(33:19):
this person was in a new relationship, and I said, oh,
you think you're actually with a king, but you're actually
with a night because you actually think that that night
can be a king. And you need to care and
love about this person for who they are, not who
you want them to be. And I mean the eyes
got as big as like golf balls. Looking at that
(33:42):
was weird. I want to say pool balls or something. Anyway,
giant balls, everybody ball day. He's got big. Eyes were huge,
and I'm sounding like Margaret eyes were huge and and
and because it it resonated like that's right, I'm actually
I think he was a woman I was reading for.
(34:04):
I think that he has such potential and who I
think he can be. I go, oh no, no, no, no,
we don't do that. We don't say any people, right,
I don't care about potential. I want the real thing, right,
Sandy's right, right, yeah, she's dead on right. Another thing
to look for. Right, when you think about your picker,
it's like, don't pick somebody because you think that their potential.
(34:26):
Pick them Oh there's that too. Yes, I can make
them better. Deal with what you got, not with or
what you think, and you'll find and by doing that,
you'll end up finding the right person, the one that
you don't like. Have to fix that when you don't
have to raise the one you know that will make
you crazy. And it all, you know, works in progress.
(34:51):
Of course we are Yeah, of course we get. We
get to decide how fast we get there and not
someone else. Right, right, so you know polished that you know,
de stuff that picker do little work and again not
just for you know, the intimate relationships we have in
a life, but you know, like all relationships work, friends, family,
(35:12):
all of that, because then you can understand actually how
to once you understand yourself, when you start to understand others,
you know how to navigate and there's nothing better. Like
nobody wants to go out on a boat and not
know where they're going. They need to learn how to navigate.
We're all on our these boats in the ocean and
we have to figure out our navigation. Yea, that was Steve,
where I know, what the hell who am I? And
(35:34):
it's like but I like it. That was weird. I
was like n leave ericson or something. All right, We're
gonna wrap this up, throw down an anchor on our boat,
and remind you as you navigate all these relationships, including
the one you have with yourself, well, remind you our
(35:54):
school is hard without a picker in the other slide
every beatty pick your pick. Thank you for joining us, everyone,
and a special thanks to our producer Joey pat and
our executive producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us well.
(36:17):
We guide you. Hit us up on Instagram at other
Side Guides, or shoot us a note at high Hi
at Vibes dot store. We want to know what you think,
We want to know what you know, and we want
to hear your stories. And remember, our school is hard
without the other Side. Insider's Guide to the Other Side
(36:37):
is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcast
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