April 26, 2023 • 37 mins
Grief. It takes many forms, changing shape as the moments, minutes, and years carry on. Without love, there is no grief, so to deny its existence is to deny the very love that longs to continue.
After losing her mother to Alzeihmer's over a decade ago, today Julie shares the evolution of her grief process, inspiring us all to lean into the quiet and the profound. This deeply personal story will remind you:❤ of the importance of community❤ how spirit can comfort and guide you through the tough times
❤ that no two broken hearts are the same, yet they can connect through a shared story❤ to just do what you can, when you can, compassionately
Because Earth School is hard without the unbreakable bond only love can bring. 🙏
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hi, y'all, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hi there, I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the
Other Side.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Now, y'all need to know that we are obsessed with
everything on the other side.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Yes, we are, because once you learn to navigate the energetic,
or to some the invisible world, life is going to
be more fun and much more serene.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Uh heck, yes it can. Because, let's be honest, br In,
earth school is hard. In fact, you taught me.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
That let's crush Earth School together.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, oh my god, I can't even say hello, my
witchy poo. You did premature giggling. How are you no apolities?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Oh my god, I'm great. We din't just spend so
much time. I'm catching up, y'all.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Oh my god, into Jesus. Everybody's welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
We go.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Okay, Hi, brand how are you.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
I'm great, We are all caught up. We are ready
to go.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Oh my god, you guys, okay, I'm great. Thanks for asking.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
This is going to be an incredible session.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
My oup is leading.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
I'm riding shotgun.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
You are riding Shotgun.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
And when it's gonna be rock and roll. Here we go.
All right, what what do you have to share with us?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
You know, I feel like I am constantly or consistently
sharing what kind of grief looks like, feels like, sounds
like in my own from my own experiences. And that's
where we're calling it. You know, grief continued because I
really wanted to share what happened this last Saturday, because
(02:01):
I think there's a lot there. There's you know, I
think the most important thing is and in fact, you
said it because we kind of this is what we
laugh about, by the way, our humor is weird, because
we laugh about people who are kind of want, you know,
grief to be or I want to be over it,
(02:21):
get it over with, be done with it, move on,
and we laugh and like, good luck with that. Reef
was with you, baby, that's so cute. That's so cute. Yeah,
I like how you want it to be done. But
grief says no. So I was invited to speak at
(02:44):
the New Mexico Alzheimer's Association Annual Gala, and that was
just a few days ago. And as you can imagine,
as every all of our listeners know that I lost
my mom to Alzheimer's twelve years ago and a little
over twelve. And I'm telling you all, the grief does
not end. You think like you could kind of deal
(03:05):
maybe different, you know, maybe, I don't know, we're going
to handle it better. I don't know handle is the
right word. But here's the thing. I've learned to give
in to it. In fact, it's my way. You call me,
just to give in. It's like, don't fight, you know,
don't fight it. And so I didn't fight it, and
I wanted to share the experience with y'all.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I love this that you have come from fighting it
to embracing it and knowing that grief is just the
other side of the coin, the same coin as love.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Yeah, it is right.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
It's it's just the other end of the spectrum, that's all.
But it's one side is embodied love in the present,
in the physical, and the other is the grief of
not having that. It's actually continued. You can't have one
without the other. So when you reject grief, you're denying
the love that continues. And so it's so beautiful how
you've embodied that. And I'm going to tell us the
(04:02):
story about it today.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
And just listen to your crazy ass makes me like
a little weepy, So thanks a lot. So anyway, I
was in I was invited to speak on Saturday night,
and it was actually really interesting because a lot of
the folks in attendance because it's such a big issue
that every state, region, city, community, household actually has to
(04:27):
face these days, with a lot of people from government
that showed up to this because Alzheimer's is a big thing.
It's a huge thing, you know. It is something that
the Alzheimer's organization is very much pursuing a cure, like
that's their whole thing. They also want to help manage,
help people manage what they're dealing with now, but they're
(04:49):
really going for a cure. I made a lot of
new BFFs and they're all like could be my grandparents
or parents, I guess at the stage, and they're amazing
people that are involved in it. But I was asked
to do it because of the nonprofit that I'm on
the board and work for here in Santa Fe which
is the senior adult day center called Life Circle. So
(05:11):
I was actually it was quite a privilege. So here's
what happened. I spent weeks writing my talk. And here's
what's funny. They told me I had ten minutes, and
I'm like, oh, okay, that's cute and all that's not
gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Have you met me?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yeah, exactly right. It's like, y'all know that you say ten,
I hear twenty. And don't put rules and restrictions on
me because I have a thing. Now, don't give you
a time limit. I'll be responsible. The other thing is,
don't ask to see what I'm going to say. Y'all
just need to have some faith. And so they were great,
they did. But I spent time, like I wrote it
(05:54):
very actually pretty fast, the body of what I wanted
to say, and then I spent weeks really thinking through it.
Adding you know, that's the beauty of actually not being
a procrastinator is it was so much better because I
and I've learned that about myself. If I can write
the body of it early, I can you know, start
to adjust. And the adjustments were good. So but they
(06:17):
were because I knew what I wanted to do, and
so the whole idea of what I wanted to talk
about was not the horrors of the disease.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Well, yeah, everybody knows that.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
That's what I said to him. I'm like, I am
not here to talk about the horrors of this disease.
If you don't know what they are, you can look
them up or you can ask somebody next to you.
But what I wanted to do was actually inspire people.
I wanted to tell a story, and I started the
(06:50):
story with the last time i'd actually been at an
Alzheimer's event. And by the way, I hate the name Alzheimer's, Okay,
I want to change it. I didn't say that at
the thing. I'm just gonna tell her.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
You all know now, I did not tell the name.
By the way, your name sucks.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
It sucks. And it was a doctor who I great,
but change his name anyway.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Why do you hate that? Why do you hate the name?
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Because I can't pronounce it very well?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Nobody can. No one can tell it well.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Why do you think I don't like it?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
There?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There you have it. And they say there's sevens. There's
seven phase or seven phases or steps you know when
you have Alzheimer's, and they only need six because the
first one is it's normal. Like, why are you adding
normal as a step? You don't need to do that.
It's like, y'all can't count for shit status quo. Yeah,
y'all can't count for ship. It needs to be six
(07:42):
not seven.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
These were left off and this was not part of
the finessing of the body of the.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
World, not the step things. I did say that at
one point in the evening. But but I wanted to
tell I wanted to tell, I want I wanted people
who have experienced it or are experiencing it to know
that they don't have to come out of it broken forever,
(08:15):
because I would say that it's like you can be
broken for a while, that's okay. So I really wanted
to structure this in a way where because the last
time I attended, when I'd already said, you know, twelve
years ago in LA and that night I talked about
the woman who was being honored, and so I, you know,
(08:35):
said to the group, do you know, do you guys
know who Laura Jones is? Because you should, And so
a couple people, I think there were Alzheimer's employees Association employees,
but I explained to them how Laura's husband was diagnosed
with Alzheimer's when he was fifty and they were actually
(08:56):
newly married at that time and had a young daughter.
I think she was about two at the time when
he was diagnosed. So hard, right, so hard. So Laura
that night was being honored because of her fight in
DC to get Alzheimer's included on the list of conditions
under the Social Security Compassionate Allowances Initiative. Yeah, I'm reading
(09:20):
this off my computer because those are a lot of words.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
But what is how crazy is that you have to fight?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
You have to fight? Yeah, oh well yeah, there was
even sadly more fighting. But what happened when she did
this that it actually gave those with a disease expedited
access to Social Security, disability insurance and supplemental income because
her husband was fifty, right, he wasn't sixty five, he
was fifty, and there was no access to help them
(09:50):
get through this. So Laura did that, And so I
started with with Laura, and and then I talked because
part of what when I met Laura that night, and
this is also you know, as I tell these stories,
I want everybody to know that I think these are
(10:12):
really important because this shows how this woman made such
a huge impact in my life in a very short
period of time. And I would never discount the impact
you could have on other people or they can have
on you. And that's a very important, magical thing that
(10:32):
can happen in this world. It doesn't mean you have
to be their best friend for the rest of your life,
but they had that purpose, that moment in time, to
help shift you. And so Laura was one of those people.
Because after she spoke, I, of course I'm scanning the
room seeing where she was sitting, and I go up
(10:53):
to her table and I squatted down and I thanked
her for what she had done. And she looked at
me and she grabbed my hand, which, by the way,
do that to people if they let you, if they're
touchy feely. Oh my god, all you have my full attention,
and she said, who did you lose to this disease?
(11:17):
And so compassionate. Oh god, yes, it's like that's the
other thing, so graceful. And I learned a lot from her.
So when I was actually talking to people after the event,
do you know how many people I hugged? Lots and
how many people I'm like, well, I asked them, well,
who did you lose? Will tell me about them? Because
(11:38):
Laura had said to me that night, will tell me
about her because I said my mom two weeks ago,
so fresh, right, And so it gave me the opportunity
to not only share with Laura, but to share with
the audience more about my mom, right, because it was
done in the storytelling fashion. And it was interesting because
(11:59):
that morning when I was walking, I knew, I'm gonna
jump around everybody, so you're gonna have to bear with me.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
So we're gonna jump to a break.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Oh shit, we're gonna jump to a break. That's what
I meant. I met. We're gonna jump to a break.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
And welcome back. Where are we jumping to next? Now?
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Okay, well we're gonna jump back in time on Saturday.
Because I just kind of told every how I introduced,
you know, my whole talk to this. I had to
tell y'all it was the craziest thing. Every morning I
go out and I walk Sookie, and sometimes I'm on
my phone one way or the other. Either I'm talking
to somebody or I'm listening to music. And I decided
(12:43):
to listen to music, and it was like every single
song that I was playing made me cry. I'm like,
what in the hell is happening to me? I'm talking
like I like, I reached back into like the archives
of my music of my life and listen to Alabama.
So if anybody knows the song my home is in Alabama,
(13:07):
it starts out with drinking was forbidden in my Christian
country home. So, by the way, none of that was
my life. I just really love this song and I'm
listening to this and I have tears. I'm like, shit,
what is wrong with me? Then I move on to
some pitch perfect soundtrack. Nope, I mean, I'm like, I'm
(13:29):
popping around trying to find something not make me cry,
and every single thing does. So I knew that I
was getting prepared for that evening and as I was walking,
and I know exactly where I was as I was walking,
and I'm just like trying to like, I mean, I
couldn't even I can't even sing to my damn music.
I was so teary, and I remember saying out loud
(13:54):
I asked Jacob, my spirit guide. I'm like, Jacob, man,
I need your help tonight to help keep my shit together.
I cannot do this all night long. And by the way, y'all,
whoever you think your BFF is, you're wrong, because it
is your spirit guide and if you want to learn
more about Brenda, aren't you teaching a class? I mean,
I'm seriously I want to break to this because he
(14:16):
is my safor I love him deeply and he helps me.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
They are they are your core go to team. Yes,
Eslyn in June, check it out. People will be teaching
teaching Spirit guy class. It's going to be awesome.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
It's he has been so important to me. I mean
I talked to him all the time, and sometimes he
tells me not to help me with something because I
think I get a little carried away, but to help
you look carried away.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
I have no idea what he's talking about.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
We all know. Come on, let's be honest. Even y'all
who have never met me in human form, you know
exactly what my spirit guys talking about.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
What did your mama say? You go bag, they're gonna
be to love you for it, or they're going to
love you for I.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Know it was funny because uh uh, yeah, that is
part of what some of the conversations I had after
the event. They were asking me questions about mom and
I'm like, yeah, she told me early on that she
was like baby, not everybody's gonna like you or love
you she has. In fact, most of them won't. And
she was like, she goes, you just be ready. That's
(15:28):
just who you are. You're polarizing. The ones who love
you will love you hard, and the ones that don't
will do that just as hard. And I'm like, okay, good,
so expectations, seriously, very wise.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I was so wise and so loving, right.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Totally yeah, because again she knew exactly who I was
the second I was born, right, she did. So. As
I was prepping, I was like, okay, I really I
got a little concerned, right.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
I got to deliver this.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah, yeah, I'm like I got to show up because
my job that night was to help raise money for
the Alzheimer's Association. Like I had work to do. And
by the way, I did that part fabulous, There's no doubt.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Oh yeah, my off is always good with the mission.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Oh yes I am. You just give it to me
and I'll go wind me up and there I'll go.
So I was really concerned though, But that's that grief continuing, right,
And when you talk about it just being the other
side of the coin, it's like, exactly, that's what it is.
Because I knew look, I'm like, get an emotional now.
(16:41):
I knew that I was going to talk about Mom
and the best parts of Mom, which are most are parts. Yeah,
and and I needed to be composed. I did not
ask Jacob to help me on the show. I didn't
know I needed it. But it's real, right, so I so.
(17:01):
But I wanted to share with everybody what they can
become from this what because so many people go through
such tragic things for them, and tragic is defined on
however you want to define it for you. And I
wanted to inspire people to take all the grief, all
(17:24):
the pain, the brokenness and direct it. So I told
the story of Laura. I told the story of me.
I told the story of you know it was and
I told him at the at the at the at
the event, I'm like, okay, now we're gonna get weird, y'all.
And I said, I've seen pictures of ghast. I say,
(17:47):
ghosts and photographs and I said and I And it
got a lot of laughs, by the way, when I
said and when I decided, I said to Susanna, I
wanted to you know, do I said, do a book,
And then say write a book, I said, do a
book because I wanted. I thought it would be really
great to have like a coffee table book of ghost pictures.
She's like, maybe always buys that shit. You need to
write something, and I'm like, well, am I going to
(18:09):
write about? Right? And she goes, oh, you, that's what
you're going to write about. And so I told the
audience that can you believe it? At the fucking coffee
table book? And they were laughing, like you were laughing
because it's funny. But I told them that. I said,
I didn't even know that I was in in a
(18:32):
journey through grief and tell us about halfway done with
the book, like you don't always know, you know, And
so I told him that story. And then I told
them about Michael, who is our friend here and our
contractor by the way, and he's the founder of Life Circle,
the senior adult day center. And Michael started that because
(18:55):
his mother had dementia and he had nowhere to take
her for her. Nie did socialization and his needed respite. Right,
I needed a break, he needed to work, and he
needed a break. He had nowhere to turn, so he
went to the path of serving the community. And so
(19:16):
as I'm talking through all of this.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Amazing, right, that's just such an amazing service.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Absolutely, And so as I was, you know, talking through
this and I and I introduced Michael. I'm actually pulling
up my little thing on the computer right now. I
hope I didn't open another file. I actually wrote here,
this is funny. So this is where it gets really weird.
That's where I talk about my ghost stuff. Hold on,
(19:48):
I'm going to tell you Allen's this a second. Oh
so I ended up telling them, So I'm just going
to read it. I said, See, I didn't want to
talk to you tonight about the heartbreaking horrors of loving
someone with Alzheimer's or dementia. I think you probably already know.
And I said, I wanted to offer you hope, Hope
that all is not lost and if you feel lost,
you can find yourself, Hope that surviving this does not
(20:11):
have to break you or break your spirit. It can
be the beginning of something else, and that something else
is you. You can heal stronger than even where you began.
The pain, the grief never goes away. I was very clear,
because I knew it. But it can be channeled. And
I say, I said, channel Laura and go the legislative route.
(20:32):
She didn't want anyone to have to check into the
poorhouse because of this disease. I said, channel Michael and
go to the community service route. He didn't want anyone
to be without respite, I said, or channel me and
go the storytelling route. I didn't want anyone to ever
have to feel alone again going through this. And it's like,
these are the ways that I was trying to inspire
(20:54):
folks about what to do with that loss, that grief
and what comes with it, because you you know, there's
no one way, as we've talked about, to actually grieve,
but there are possibly healthier ways than others to do it.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Yes, and you take the time that you need to
be a mess in grief, but what you'll find is
it helps your grief. It's when it's constructive, when it's
time for you to be constructive whenever that is. Grieving
is messy. Life is messy, right, so how can grieving
be different? So grieving is messy. And when you're ready
(21:37):
and you don't have to do it yourself, you just
you can help someone else's effort like you. There's all
kinds of ways to engage. You don't have to like
have an original idea as these you know, three individuals did.
I think that's really important to do what you can
when you can, and.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I think grieving has become harder. And I even referenced
somewhere in my TALKI talk thing about one of my
new favorite and not popular movie quotes because their whole
theme was like Hollywood Knights or some shit like that
in Albuquerque. Because when I think Hollywood, I think Albuquerque.
(22:13):
I think of the Sheridan North Hotel in Albuquerque. Is
I think of Hollywood Knights. So Susanne and I had
just rewatched a movie called Boys on the Side and
it was released in nineteen ninety five and it stars
Whoopi Goldberg, Mary Louise Parker, Andrew Barrymore. And there is
(22:34):
a scene in this movie where Mary Louise Parker's mother
comes to visit in Tucson and she's being typical judging
mom and like, well, you don't seem happy, you don't
have a man. You know, some moms can be and
her character, Mary Luise Parker looked at her mom and said,
(22:56):
it's a life, not a hay ride. And talked about
that because but it's a great quote. In nineteen ninety five,
and I think people should use it all the time.
Is that it's it's because I think if you think
about social media in the news media, if you think
about expectations that are set these days, be happy, be happy.
(23:19):
Oh no, it's okay, be happy and be perfect and
be perfect and be happy. And here's the picture of
me in a filter. But I think it suits us,
like we don't encourage people to grieve. We don't allow
them to grieve, you know, we we don't I think
(23:42):
honor at all grieving.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Well, you have to be willing to be vulnerable to grief, right,
and that goes that is contra filter.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
And that is like anti filter.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Yeah. Yeah, so we're going to take a filter here
in the form of a break. We'll be right.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Back, hilarious and weird all at once.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
And welcome back from our filter break.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
You're so awesome.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
So, but the thing is, it's like what you talked
about was real. What you talked about was authentic, speaking
from a place of absolute authority on this path, your version,
not anyone, and that kind of authenticity it just tracks
with people. I'm sure, I'm sure people wanted to talk
(24:48):
to you all night long.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Well, fun enough they did, but I will I will
report though I only cried twice up there, and I
will tell you that when I paused for that, there
were thunderous applause.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Yeah, so it just gives me chills.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
He funderous applause.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
We Yes, we want to look good, Yes we want
people to like us. But the truth is the bravery
and the authenticity is what everyone craves. We know this.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
And that was funny. So there's that. I mean, let's
be honest, it's actually it suns fucking hilarious. So I
also finished because when I talked about the hay ride,
you know, it's a life not a hay ride. Bit
I made a comment that I said I would choose
life every time over a hay ride. And I said,
(25:41):
primarily because you get hay second really not impressive parts
of your body, and you're usually drinking flat beer. And
so I said to everybody, speaking of beer, which here's
the funny thing. I don't drink beer. I think it
tastes like shit. But I have that bitter gene. You know,
everything to super bitter to me. So anyway, I said,
(26:02):
speaking of beer, I go, I will meet whomever for however, long,
you would like in the bar across the hall, just
to talk. So here's what's funny that happened. I couldn't
make it across the hall.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
You didn't keep your promise.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
They no. I eventually went over there, but like, people
kept plopping down at our table and wanting to talk.
And by the way, the thing was there was the
live auction that was going on at the time. So
do you want to go to Montana? By the way,
because I won the bid to have this place in Montana. Anyway,
that's sold a side note, But of course I did that.
(26:40):
And it's a great looking cabins, but it's five bedrooms,
so I'll go to Montana. And but these people kept
sitting down by the way, men, women alike, every color
in the rainbow, every age. Everything was fantastic. The one
that made me laugh really hard, though, was the woman
that sat down and she goes, I need my daughters
(27:02):
to write a book about me. And I'm like, oh, okay,
has yeah, yeah, life funny because I she said to me,
she was just she was very sweet. I love what
you said. I loved what you said about your mother.
And I found mothers approached me like especially ones that
have adult children that come and really appreciate you know
(27:25):
that that I speak so lovingly about my mom. And
I even told the audience, I'm like, guys, i'm fifty
three and I'm up here still shedding tears. I'm like,
it does not matter how old you are. Love is love,
man Like, it's just what it is. But she was like, I,
you know, I really want to read your book and
da dah dah, da dah. And I said, you know, yeah,
it's my journey through grief. Grief, I said, but it's
(27:46):
really a love letter to my mother. And I've always
said this book was a love letter.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
To you, always, always, It's so clear when you read it.
I'm sure she just burst into tears then because she
she's like, now I really want my daughters.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
To write, right. I'm like, I'm not sure if you
were funny earlier on, because you're like, I'm not sure
you could force them to do it, because this was
not anything my mother ever asked for. She in fact,
my mother never asked for anything. She didn't she ever asked.
Actually's never asked me of anything.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
She's so classy.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Oh yeah, and because she just got a kick out
of me, let her go. But I'll tell you that
the I also wanted to a big like I had
this all planned out, had it all planned out to
you know, obviously what my talk was going to be about,
(28:39):
not to the word, because I of course improvised lots
and said insane things. But I also wanted the end
and afterwards to be a time where I could give
back the way that Laura gave to me. Yeah, and
I needed to do that. Yeah, I needed to do that.
I needed like I didn't need to be everybody's friend.
(29:02):
That wasn't what it was. It's about a moment, you know,
and understanding that that's what it is. And I gave
everything of myself. I didn't get home till like eleven
twelve o'clock that night, and I sat with all these
really phenomenal that I say, phenomenal, phenomenal good lord, okay, anyway,
(29:26):
phenomenab people that I would ask like, well, have you
lost anyone? Or da da da? And I had someone
who just lost her mom a month ago. I hugged
her four different times, bless her heart. I mean, she
was and her mom lived in her house with her
in her home. She was her day to day caretaker.
I met a young woman that her husband's uncle just
(29:50):
got diagnosed, and she was like, help me, tell me
what I need to do. And this woman, by the way,
was like she had a doctorate, like in elecular some shit.
I don't think the sum ship is part of it,
but the word molecular and doctor were and really smart
(30:12):
people in Albuquerque just f yi, because of like the Sandia,
all the research, the nuclear stuff. So yeah, there's so
many scary and one of them is my cousin Tom.
But it was there brainy acts, but just to be
being asked like I don't know what to do? What
do I do? And I'm like, well, tell me more
(30:33):
about the situation. So it was like the conversations.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
The brainiacs are used to having all the solutions right there,
the problem, I'll give me the problem, I will crush it.
This is not that situation. The solution is to be
present and compassionate for yourself and others. Full stuff like
that's the solution, because it's not solvable right.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Now, it's not. But there was also already going on
on his side of the family. You know, there's that
kind of stuff. So you know, we just talked through
those things. I had this really fabulous, fabulous lesbian couple
come up and want to introduce themselves because Susanna and
I've decided we need more like lesbian friends here anyway,
So that was kind of out there in the universe.
(31:19):
I bring them on in, you know read Rover red Rover,
bring the Dykes on over. So it worked.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
And did you cook that spell up before you end?
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Rover red Rovers and the Dykes on over and I
blew the candle out and then I trolled around four times.
That was what I did. But anyway, it was, but
it was it was the kind of ongoing through the night,
people asking But you know the beautiful thing is they
were asking questions because there were people from all over
(31:52):
across the board there, right, I said, there were a
lot of people from the state legislature that was there.
There were Alzheimer Association people there. They were just people
with a lot of money to donate were there. You know,
it kind of ran the gamut. We had the lieutenant.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Which is which is great because that's right, it's an
equal opportunity. If you're human, you can get.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
This exactly right. That's it is an equalizer for sure.
And so it was just really great though, to have
these folks actually want to give them the opportunity to talk,
you know, just to be heard, to listen to them.
And they were all huggers f YI, so I obviously
attracted the huggers. There were no handshakers. Nice, but it was.
(32:38):
But it's also though, this was part of my healing too, right,
I mean I was I giving. Yeah, I gave a lot.
In fact, I couldn't even move the next day. I
was so fried.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
That happened.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Yeah, I gave. I gave it all away, so I
needed to hang out and get it.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Back, recharge, recover.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I totally had to do that, and I totally go
with the flow on that, watched some really good shows,
you know, and patted my dog a lot. So it's just,
you know, I just think, really, what this is is
just another layer of what we experience with our grieving.
(33:19):
And how however many it doesn't matter how many years
it is. I mean, honestly, if you want to like
put a clock to it, a calendar to it, it's
actually been twenty two years because of when I first
saw that something was wrong with mom. Yeah, you know,
and it comes back up and it is always and
only about love when I go do these things. When
(33:41):
I talked about it and talked about mom at like books,
signings and things like that, it was all about It
was just love. The reason I did the whole thing,
the reason I do all of this is just about love.
And even for love of strangers, you know, people I've
never met and I don't need to meet. It's not
with the point. The point is to, you know, offer
that up to people, share as much as you can
(34:01):
with them, and if they're around, and if they want
to hug, hug them, you know, just give them time
and listen to them, like what Laura did to me,
asking you know, questions. I wanted to give that back,
and also I wanted to process more of what I'm
doing because, in truth be told, I wasn't able to
talk about this publicly for years because I couldn't be composed.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
You didn't talk about it a lot privately either, No,
I didn't. Yeah, it's an important part of broken.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
I was broken.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Yeah, it's a really important part. I'm really proud.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Of you now, thank you. I did say that Humpty
Dumpty may fall off the wall I go, but this
Humpty Dumpty made a kick ass omelet. I'm like, yeah,
it's like you don't have to live with the cracks
and the scars and the band aids. It's like, nope,
I made something mouse. I made an omelet. Yep, and
just to encourage folks, you know, but I did. And
(34:55):
doesn't mean that I don't feel I mean, are you
kidding me?
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:59):
I'd still give it anything to have her mom next life,
I guess yes.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Nice. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for inspiring
us and guiding us right because our grief, well, it
all takes our own individual forms. It is unifying. And
when we can share and be vulnerable and be generous
with that, we can help others as well, just like
(35:25):
you did today.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Thank you, my witchipoot. And I will also tell you
I was not that person before. I wasn't an asshole,
but I wasn't this. Yeah, and I like this.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Better, lovely Margaret's proud.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Thank you, Thanks one.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
Thanks for listening, everybody, and remember.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Our school is hard without the other side.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Bye everybody, Bye y'all. Thank you for joining us everyone,
and a special thanks to our producer Joey Patt and
our executive producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us while
we guide.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
You, hit us up on Instagram at other Side Guides,
or shoot us a note at high Hi at vibes
dot store.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
We want to know what you think, we want to
know what you know, and we want to hear your
stories and remember, our school is hard.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Without the other Side. Insider's Guide to the Other Side
is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hi, y'all, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hi there, I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the
Other Side.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Now, y'all need to know that we are obsessed with
everything on the other side.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Yes, we are, because once you learn to navigate the energetic,
or to some the invisible world, life is going to
be more fun and much more serene.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Uh heck, yes it can. Because, let's be honest, br In,
earth school is hard. In fact, you taught me.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
That let's crush Earth School together.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, oh my god, I can't even say hello, my
witchy poo. You did premature giggling. How are you no apolities?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Oh my god, I'm great. We din't just spend so
much time. I'm catching up, y'all.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Oh my god, into Jesus. Everybody's welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
We go.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Okay, Hi, brand how are you.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
I'm great, We are all caught up. We are ready
to go.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Oh my god, you guys, okay, I'm great. Thanks for asking.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
This is going to be an incredible session.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
My oup is leading.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
I'm riding shotgun.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
You are riding Shotgun.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
And when it's gonna be rock and roll. Here we go.
All right, what what do you have to share with us?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
You know, I feel like I am constantly or consistently
sharing what kind of grief looks like, feels like, sounds
like in my own from my own experiences. And that's
where we're calling it. You know, grief continued because I
really wanted to share what happened this last Saturday, because
(02:01):
I think there's a lot there. There's you know, I
think the most important thing is and in fact, you
said it because we kind of this is what we
laugh about, by the way, our humor is weird, because
we laugh about people who are kind of want, you know,
grief to be or I want to be over it,
(02:21):
get it over with, be done with it, move on,
and we laugh and like, good luck with that. Reef
was with you, baby, that's so cute. That's so cute. Yeah,
I like how you want it to be done. But
grief says no. So I was invited to speak at
(02:44):
the New Mexico Alzheimer's Association Annual Gala, and that was
just a few days ago. And as you can imagine,
as every all of our listeners know that I lost
my mom to Alzheimer's twelve years ago and a little
over twelve. And I'm telling you all, the grief does
not end. You think like you could kind of deal
(03:05):
maybe different, you know, maybe, I don't know, we're going
to handle it better. I don't know handle is the
right word. But here's the thing. I've learned to give
in to it. In fact, it's my way. You call me,
just to give in. It's like, don't fight, you know,
don't fight it. And so I didn't fight it, and
I wanted to share the experience with y'all.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I love this that you have come from fighting it
to embracing it and knowing that grief is just the
other side of the coin, the same coin as love.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Yeah, it is right.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
It's it's just the other end of the spectrum, that's all.
But it's one side is embodied love in the present,
in the physical, and the other is the grief of
not having that. It's actually continued. You can't have one
without the other. So when you reject grief, you're denying
the love that continues. And so it's so beautiful how
you've embodied that. And I'm going to tell us the
(04:02):
story about it today.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
And just listen to your crazy ass makes me like
a little weepy, So thanks a lot. So anyway, I
was in I was invited to speak on Saturday night,
and it was actually really interesting because a lot of
the folks in attendance because it's such a big issue
that every state, region, city, community, household actually has to
(04:27):
face these days, with a lot of people from government
that showed up to this because Alzheimer's is a big thing.
It's a huge thing, you know. It is something that
the Alzheimer's organization is very much pursuing a cure, like
that's their whole thing. They also want to help manage,
help people manage what they're dealing with now, but they're
(04:49):
really going for a cure. I made a lot of
new BFFs and they're all like could be my grandparents
or parents, I guess at the stage, and they're amazing
people that are involved in it. But I was asked
to do it because of the nonprofit that I'm on
the board and work for here in Santa Fe which
is the senior adult day center called Life Circle. So
(05:11):
I was actually it was quite a privilege. So here's
what happened. I spent weeks writing my talk. And here's
what's funny. They told me I had ten minutes, and
I'm like, oh, okay, that's cute and all that's not
gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Have you met me?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yeah, exactly right. It's like, y'all know that you say ten,
I hear twenty. And don't put rules and restrictions on
me because I have a thing. Now, don't give you
a time limit. I'll be responsible. The other thing is,
don't ask to see what I'm going to say. Y'all
just need to have some faith. And so they were great,
they did. But I spent time, like I wrote it
(05:54):
very actually pretty fast, the body of what I wanted
to say, and then I spent weeks really thinking through it.
Adding you know, that's the beauty of actually not being
a procrastinator is it was so much better because I
and I've learned that about myself. If I can write
the body of it early, I can you know, start
to adjust. And the adjustments were good. So but they
(06:17):
were because I knew what I wanted to do, and
so the whole idea of what I wanted to talk
about was not the horrors of the disease.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Well, yeah, everybody knows that.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
That's what I said to him. I'm like, I am
not here to talk about the horrors of this disease.
If you don't know what they are, you can look
them up or you can ask somebody next to you.
But what I wanted to do was actually inspire people.
I wanted to tell a story, and I started the
(06:50):
story with the last time i'd actually been at an
Alzheimer's event. And by the way, I hate the name Alzheimer's, Okay,
I want to change it. I didn't say that at
the thing. I'm just gonna tell her.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
You all know now, I did not tell the name.
By the way, your name sucks.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
It sucks. And it was a doctor who I great,
but change his name anyway.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Why do you hate that? Why do you hate the name?
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Because I can't pronounce it very well?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Nobody can. No one can tell it well.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Why do you think I don't like it?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
There?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There you have it. And they say there's sevens. There's
seven phase or seven phases or steps you know when
you have Alzheimer's, and they only need six because the
first one is it's normal. Like, why are you adding
normal as a step? You don't need to do that.
It's like, y'all can't count for shit status quo. Yeah,
y'all can't count for ship. It needs to be six
(07:42):
not seven.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
These were left off and this was not part of
the finessing of the body of the.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
World, not the step things. I did say that at
one point in the evening. But but I wanted to
tell I wanted to tell, I want I wanted people
who have experienced it or are experiencing it to know
that they don't have to come out of it broken forever,
(08:15):
because I would say that it's like you can be
broken for a while, that's okay. So I really wanted
to structure this in a way where because the last
time I attended, when I'd already said, you know, twelve
years ago in LA and that night I talked about
the woman who was being honored, and so I, you know,
(08:35):
said to the group, do you know, do you guys
know who Laura Jones is? Because you should, And so
a couple people, I think there were Alzheimer's employees Association employees,
but I explained to them how Laura's husband was diagnosed
with Alzheimer's when he was fifty and they were actually
(08:56):
newly married at that time and had a young daughter.
I think she was about two at the time when
he was diagnosed. So hard, right, so hard. So Laura
that night was being honored because of her fight in
DC to get Alzheimer's included on the list of conditions
under the Social Security Compassionate Allowances Initiative. Yeah, I'm reading
(09:20):
this off my computer because those are a lot of words.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
But what is how crazy is that you have to fight?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
You have to fight? Yeah, oh well yeah, there was
even sadly more fighting. But what happened when she did
this that it actually gave those with a disease expedited
access to Social Security, disability insurance and supplemental income because
her husband was fifty, right, he wasn't sixty five, he
was fifty, and there was no access to help them
(09:50):
get through this. So Laura did that, And so I
started with with Laura, and and then I talked because
part of what when I met Laura that night, and
this is also you know, as I tell these stories,
I want everybody to know that I think these are
(10:12):
really important because this shows how this woman made such
a huge impact in my life in a very short
period of time. And I would never discount the impact
you could have on other people or they can have
on you. And that's a very important, magical thing that
(10:32):
can happen in this world. It doesn't mean you have
to be their best friend for the rest of your life,
but they had that purpose, that moment in time, to
help shift you. And so Laura was one of those people.
Because after she spoke, I, of course I'm scanning the
room seeing where she was sitting, and I go up
(10:53):
to her table and I squatted down and I thanked
her for what she had done. And she looked at
me and she grabbed my hand, which, by the way,
do that to people if they let you, if they're
touchy feely. Oh my god, all you have my full attention,
and she said, who did you lose to this disease?
(11:17):
And so compassionate. Oh god, yes, it's like that's the
other thing, so graceful. And I learned a lot from her.
So when I was actually talking to people after the event,
do you know how many people I hugged? Lots and
how many people I'm like, well, I asked them, well,
who did you lose? Will tell me about them? Because
(11:38):
Laura had said to me that night, will tell me
about her because I said my mom two weeks ago,
so fresh, right, And so it gave me the opportunity
to not only share with Laura, but to share with
the audience more about my mom, right, because it was
done in the storytelling fashion. And it was interesting because
(11:59):
that morning when I was walking, I knew, I'm gonna
jump around everybody, so you're gonna have to bear with me.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
So we're gonna jump to a break.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Oh shit, we're gonna jump to a break. That's what
I meant. I met. We're gonna jump to a break.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
And welcome back. Where are we jumping to next? Now?
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Okay, well we're gonna jump back in time on Saturday.
Because I just kind of told every how I introduced,
you know, my whole talk to this. I had to
tell y'all it was the craziest thing. Every morning I
go out and I walk Sookie, and sometimes I'm on
my phone one way or the other. Either I'm talking
to somebody or I'm listening to music. And I decided
(12:43):
to listen to music, and it was like every single
song that I was playing made me cry. I'm like,
what in the hell is happening to me? I'm talking
like I like, I reached back into like the archives
of my music of my life and listen to Alabama.
So if anybody knows the song my home is in Alabama,
(13:07):
it starts out with drinking was forbidden in my Christian
country home. So, by the way, none of that was
my life. I just really love this song and I'm
listening to this and I have tears. I'm like, shit,
what is wrong with me? Then I move on to
some pitch perfect soundtrack. Nope, I mean, I'm like, I'm
(13:29):
popping around trying to find something not make me cry,
and every single thing does. So I knew that I
was getting prepared for that evening and as I was walking,
and I know exactly where I was as I was walking,
and I'm just like trying to like, I mean, I
couldn't even I can't even sing to my damn music.
I was so teary, and I remember saying out loud
(13:54):
I asked Jacob, my spirit guide. I'm like, Jacob, man,
I need your help tonight to help keep my shit together.
I cannot do this all night long. And by the way, y'all,
whoever you think your BFF is, you're wrong, because it
is your spirit guide and if you want to learn
more about Brenda, aren't you teaching a class? I mean,
I'm seriously I want to break to this because he
(14:16):
is my safor I love him deeply and he helps me.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
They are they are your core go to team. Yes,
Eslyn in June, check it out. People will be teaching
teaching Spirit guy class. It's going to be awesome.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
It's he has been so important to me. I mean
I talked to him all the time, and sometimes he
tells me not to help me with something because I
think I get a little carried away, but to help
you look carried away.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
I have no idea what he's talking about.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
We all know. Come on, let's be honest. Even y'all
who have never met me in human form, you know
exactly what my spirit guys talking about.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
What did your mama say? You go bag, they're gonna
be to love you for it, or they're going to
love you for I.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Know it was funny because uh uh, yeah, that is
part of what some of the conversations I had after
the event. They were asking me questions about mom and
I'm like, yeah, she told me early on that she
was like baby, not everybody's gonna like you or love
you she has. In fact, most of them won't. And
she was like, she goes, you just be ready. That's
(15:28):
just who you are. You're polarizing. The ones who love
you will love you hard, and the ones that don't
will do that just as hard. And I'm like, okay, good,
so expectations, seriously, very wise.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I was so wise and so loving, right.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Totally yeah, because again she knew exactly who I was
the second I was born, right, she did. So. As
I was prepping, I was like, okay, I really I
got a little concerned, right.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
I got to deliver this.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah, yeah, I'm like I got to show up because
my job that night was to help raise money for
the Alzheimer's Association. Like I had work to do. And
by the way, I did that part fabulous, There's no doubt.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Oh yeah, my off is always good with the mission.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Oh yes I am. You just give it to me
and I'll go wind me up and there I'll go.
So I was really concerned though, But that's that grief continuing, right,
And when you talk about it just being the other
side of the coin, it's like, exactly, that's what it is.
Because I knew look, I'm like, get an emotional now.
(16:41):
I knew that I was going to talk about Mom
and the best parts of Mom, which are most are parts. Yeah,
and and I needed to be composed. I did not
ask Jacob to help me on the show. I didn't
know I needed it. But it's real, right, so I so.
(17:01):
But I wanted to share with everybody what they can
become from this what because so many people go through
such tragic things for them, and tragic is defined on
however you want to define it for you. And I
wanted to inspire people to take all the grief, all
(17:24):
the pain, the brokenness and direct it. So I told
the story of Laura. I told the story of me.
I told the story of you know it was and
I told him at the at the at the at
the event, I'm like, okay, now we're gonna get weird, y'all.
And I said, I've seen pictures of ghast. I say,
(17:47):
ghosts and photographs and I said and I And it
got a lot of laughs, by the way, when I
said and when I decided, I said to Susanna, I
wanted to you know, do I said, do a book,
And then say write a book, I said, do a
book because I wanted. I thought it would be really
great to have like a coffee table book of ghost pictures.
She's like, maybe always buys that shit. You need to
write something, and I'm like, well, am I going to
(18:09):
write about? Right? And she goes, oh, you, that's what
you're going to write about. And so I told the
audience that can you believe it? At the fucking coffee
table book? And they were laughing, like you were laughing
because it's funny. But I told them that. I said,
I didn't even know that I was in in a
(18:32):
journey through grief and tell us about halfway done with
the book, like you don't always know, you know, And
so I told him that story. And then I told
them about Michael, who is our friend here and our
contractor by the way, and he's the founder of Life Circle,
the senior adult day center. And Michael started that because
(18:55):
his mother had dementia and he had nowhere to take
her for her. Nie did socialization and his needed respite. Right,
I needed a break, he needed to work, and he
needed a break. He had nowhere to turn, so he
went to the path of serving the community. And so
(19:16):
as I'm talking through all of this.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Amazing, right, that's just such an amazing service.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Absolutely, And so as I was, you know, talking through
this and I and I introduced Michael. I'm actually pulling
up my little thing on the computer right now. I
hope I didn't open another file. I actually wrote here,
this is funny. So this is where it gets really weird.
That's where I talk about my ghost stuff. Hold on,
(19:48):
I'm going to tell you Allen's this a second. Oh
so I ended up telling them, So I'm just going
to read it. I said, See, I didn't want to
talk to you tonight about the heartbreaking horrors of loving
someone with Alzheimer's or dementia. I think you probably already know.
And I said, I wanted to offer you hope, Hope
that all is not lost and if you feel lost,
you can find yourself, Hope that surviving this does not
(20:11):
have to break you or break your spirit. It can
be the beginning of something else, and that something else
is you. You can heal stronger than even where you began.
The pain, the grief never goes away. I was very clear,
because I knew it. But it can be channeled. And
I say, I said, channel Laura and go the legislative route.
(20:32):
She didn't want anyone to have to check into the
poorhouse because of this disease. I said, channel Michael and
go to the community service route. He didn't want anyone
to be without respite, I said, or channel me and
go the storytelling route. I didn't want anyone to ever
have to feel alone again going through this. And it's like,
these are the ways that I was trying to inspire
(20:54):
folks about what to do with that loss, that grief
and what comes with it, because you you know, there's
no one way, as we've talked about, to actually grieve,
but there are possibly healthier ways than others to do it.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Yes, and you take the time that you need to
be a mess in grief, but what you'll find is
it helps your grief. It's when it's constructive, when it's
time for you to be constructive whenever that is. Grieving
is messy. Life is messy, right, so how can grieving
be different? So grieving is messy. And when you're ready
(21:37):
and you don't have to do it yourself, you just
you can help someone else's effort like you. There's all
kinds of ways to engage. You don't have to like
have an original idea as these you know, three individuals did.
I think that's really important to do what you can
when you can, and.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I think grieving has become harder. And I even referenced
somewhere in my TALKI talk thing about one of my
new favorite and not popular movie quotes because their whole
theme was like Hollywood Knights or some shit like that
in Albuquerque. Because when I think Hollywood, I think Albuquerque.
(22:13):
I think of the Sheridan North Hotel in Albuquerque. Is
I think of Hollywood Knights. So Susanne and I had
just rewatched a movie called Boys on the Side and
it was released in nineteen ninety five and it stars
Whoopi Goldberg, Mary Louise Parker, Andrew Barrymore. And there is
(22:34):
a scene in this movie where Mary Louise Parker's mother
comes to visit in Tucson and she's being typical judging
mom and like, well, you don't seem happy, you don't
have a man. You know, some moms can be and
her character, Mary Luise Parker looked at her mom and said,
(22:56):
it's a life, not a hay ride. And talked about
that because but it's a great quote. In nineteen ninety five,
and I think people should use it all the time.
Is that it's it's because I think if you think
about social media in the news media, if you think
about expectations that are set these days, be happy, be happy.
(23:19):
Oh no, it's okay, be happy and be perfect and
be perfect and be happy. And here's the picture of
me in a filter. But I think it suits us,
like we don't encourage people to grieve. We don't allow
them to grieve, you know, we we don't I think
(23:42):
honor at all grieving.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Well, you have to be willing to be vulnerable to grief, right,
and that goes that is contra filter.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
And that is like anti filter.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Yeah. Yeah, so we're going to take a filter here
in the form of a break. We'll be right.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Back, hilarious and weird all at once.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
And welcome back from our filter break.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
You're so awesome.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
So, but the thing is, it's like what you talked
about was real. What you talked about was authentic, speaking
from a place of absolute authority on this path, your version,
not anyone, and that kind of authenticity it just tracks
with people. I'm sure, I'm sure people wanted to talk
(24:48):
to you all night long.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Well, fun enough they did, but I will I will
report though I only cried twice up there, and I
will tell you that when I paused for that, there
were thunderous applause.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Yeah, so it just gives me chills.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
He funderous applause.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
We Yes, we want to look good, Yes we want
people to like us. But the truth is the bravery
and the authenticity is what everyone craves. We know this.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
And that was funny. So there's that. I mean, let's
be honest, it's actually it suns fucking hilarious. So I
also finished because when I talked about the hay ride,
you know, it's a life not a hay ride. Bit
I made a comment that I said I would choose
life every time over a hay ride. And I said,
(25:41):
primarily because you get hay second really not impressive parts
of your body, and you're usually drinking flat beer. And
so I said to everybody, speaking of beer, which here's
the funny thing. I don't drink beer. I think it
tastes like shit. But I have that bitter gene. You know,
everything to super bitter to me. So anyway, I said,
(26:02):
speaking of beer, I go, I will meet whomever for however, long,
you would like in the bar across the hall, just
to talk. So here's what's funny that happened. I couldn't
make it across the hall.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
You didn't keep your promise.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
They no. I eventually went over there, but like, people
kept plopping down at our table and wanting to talk.
And by the way, the thing was there was the
live auction that was going on at the time. So
do you want to go to Montana? By the way,
because I won the bid to have this place in Montana. Anyway,
that's sold a side note, But of course I did that.
(26:40):
And it's a great looking cabins, but it's five bedrooms,
so I'll go to Montana. And but these people kept
sitting down by the way, men, women alike, every color
in the rainbow, every age. Everything was fantastic. The one
that made me laugh really hard, though, was the woman
that sat down and she goes, I need my daughters
(27:02):
to write a book about me. And I'm like, oh, okay,
has yeah, yeah, life funny because I she said to me,
she was just she was very sweet. I love what
you said. I loved what you said about your mother.
And I found mothers approached me like especially ones that
have adult children that come and really appreciate you know
(27:25):
that that I speak so lovingly about my mom. And
I even told the audience, I'm like, guys, i'm fifty
three and I'm up here still shedding tears. I'm like,
it does not matter how old you are. Love is love,
man Like, it's just what it is. But she was like, I,
you know, I really want to read your book and
da dah dah, da dah. And I said, you know, yeah,
it's my journey through grief. Grief, I said, but it's
(27:46):
really a love letter to my mother. And I've always
said this book was a love letter.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
To you, always, always, It's so clear when you read it.
I'm sure she just burst into tears then because she
she's like, now I really want my daughters.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
To write, right. I'm like, I'm not sure if you
were funny earlier on, because you're like, I'm not sure
you could force them to do it, because this was
not anything my mother ever asked for. She in fact,
my mother never asked for anything. She didn't she ever asked.
Actually's never asked me of anything.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
She's so classy.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Oh yeah, and because she just got a kick out
of me, let her go. But I'll tell you that
the I also wanted to a big like I had
this all planned out, had it all planned out to
you know, obviously what my talk was going to be about,
(28:39):
not to the word, because I of course improvised lots
and said insane things. But I also wanted the end
and afterwards to be a time where I could give
back the way that Laura gave to me. Yeah, and
I needed to do that. Yeah, I needed to do that.
I needed like I didn't need to be everybody's friend.
(29:02):
That wasn't what it was. It's about a moment, you know,
and understanding that that's what it is. And I gave
everything of myself. I didn't get home till like eleven
twelve o'clock that night, and I sat with all these
really phenomenal that I say, phenomenal, phenomenal good lord, okay, anyway,
(29:26):
phenomenab people that I would ask like, well, have you
lost anyone? Or da da da? And I had someone
who just lost her mom a month ago. I hugged
her four different times, bless her heart. I mean, she
was and her mom lived in her house with her
in her home. She was her day to day caretaker.
I met a young woman that her husband's uncle just
(29:50):
got diagnosed, and she was like, help me, tell me
what I need to do. And this woman, by the way,
was like she had a doctorate, like in elecular some shit.
I don't think the sum ship is part of it,
but the word molecular and doctor were and really smart
(30:12):
people in Albuquerque just f yi, because of like the Sandia,
all the research, the nuclear stuff. So yeah, there's so
many scary and one of them is my cousin Tom.
But it was there brainy acts, but just to be
being asked like I don't know what to do? What
do I do? And I'm like, well, tell me more
(30:33):
about the situation. So it was like the conversations.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
The brainiacs are used to having all the solutions right there,
the problem, I'll give me the problem, I will crush it.
This is not that situation. The solution is to be
present and compassionate for yourself and others. Full stuff like
that's the solution, because it's not solvable right.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Now, it's not. But there was also already going on
on his side of the family. You know, there's that
kind of stuff. So you know, we just talked through
those things. I had this really fabulous, fabulous lesbian couple
come up and want to introduce themselves because Susanna and
I've decided we need more like lesbian friends here anyway,
So that was kind of out there in the universe.
(31:19):
I bring them on in, you know read Rover red Rover,
bring the Dykes on over. So it worked.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
And did you cook that spell up before you end?
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Rover red Rovers and the Dykes on over and I
blew the candle out and then I trolled around four times.
That was what I did. But anyway, it was, but
it was it was the kind of ongoing through the night,
people asking But you know the beautiful thing is they
were asking questions because there were people from all over
(31:52):
across the board there, right, I said, there were a
lot of people from the state legislature that was there.
There were Alzheimer Association people there. They were just people
with a lot of money to donate were there. You know,
it kind of ran the gamut. We had the lieutenant.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Which is which is great because that's right, it's an
equal opportunity. If you're human, you can get.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
This exactly right. That's it is an equalizer for sure.
And so it was just really great though, to have
these folks actually want to give them the opportunity to talk,
you know, just to be heard, to listen to them.
And they were all huggers f YI, so I obviously
attracted the huggers. There were no handshakers. Nice, but it was.
(32:38):
But it's also though, this was part of my healing too, right,
I mean I was I giving. Yeah, I gave a lot.
In fact, I couldn't even move the next day. I
was so fried.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
That happened.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Yeah, I gave. I gave it all away, so I
needed to hang out and get it.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Back, recharge, recover.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I totally had to do that, and I totally go
with the flow on that, watched some really good shows,
you know, and patted my dog a lot. So it's just,
you know, I just think, really, what this is is
just another layer of what we experience with our grieving.
(33:19):
And how however many it doesn't matter how many years
it is. I mean, honestly, if you want to like
put a clock to it, a calendar to it, it's
actually been twenty two years because of when I first
saw that something was wrong with mom. Yeah, you know,
and it comes back up and it is always and
only about love when I go do these things. When
(33:41):
I talked about it and talked about mom at like books,
signings and things like that, it was all about It
was just love. The reason I did the whole thing,
the reason I do all of this is just about love.
And even for love of strangers, you know, people I've
never met and I don't need to meet. It's not
with the point. The point is to, you know, offer
that up to people, share as much as you can
(34:01):
with them, and if they're around, and if they want
to hug, hug them, you know, just give them time
and listen to them, like what Laura did to me,
asking you know, questions. I wanted to give that back,
and also I wanted to process more of what I'm
doing because, in truth be told, I wasn't able to
talk about this publicly for years because I couldn't be composed.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
You didn't talk about it a lot privately either, No,
I didn't. Yeah, it's an important part of broken.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
I was broken.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Yeah, it's a really important part. I'm really proud.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Of you now, thank you. I did say that Humpty
Dumpty may fall off the wall I go, but this
Humpty Dumpty made a kick ass omelet. I'm like, yeah,
it's like you don't have to live with the cracks
and the scars and the band aids. It's like, nope,
I made something mouse. I made an omelet. Yep, and
just to encourage folks, you know, but I did. And
(34:55):
doesn't mean that I don't feel I mean, are you
kidding me?
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:59):
I'd still give it anything to have her mom next life,
I guess yes.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Nice. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for inspiring
us and guiding us right because our grief, well, it
all takes our own individual forms. It is unifying. And
when we can share and be vulnerable and be generous
with that, we can help others as well, just like
(35:25):
you did today.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Thank you, my witchipoot. And I will also tell you
I was not that person before. I wasn't an asshole,
but I wasn't this. Yeah, and I like this.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Better, lovely Margaret's proud.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Thank you, Thanks one.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
Thanks for listening, everybody, and remember.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Our school is hard without the other side.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Bye everybody, Bye y'all. Thank you for joining us everyone,
and a special thanks to our producer Joey Patt and
our executive producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us while
we guide.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
You, hit us up on Instagram at other Side Guides,
or shoot us a note at high Hi at vibes
dot store.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
We want to know what you think, we want to
know what you know, and we want to hear your
stories and remember, our school is hard.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Without the other Side. Insider's Guide to the Other Side
is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever you
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