September 20, 2023 • 42 mins
When it comes to relationships, happiness benefits your spirit more than money or status ever could. The bonding that shared experiences bring, especially when sweet surprises spring from the ordinary, is an essential reminder that how you feel matters, and what you feel and when you feel it is an indicator of your happiness and authenticity.
All life is a process of give and take, yin and yang. Equal energy exchanges create balance, trust, and infinite expansion of intimacy. On the flip side, relationships become complex and draining when they are in discord. It's the difference between feeling seen or feeling misunderstood.
Today, we discuss the relationships that are crucial to our well-being. We'll share valuable conversation starters and questions to explore with those you live and love with. Self-assessment is part of the process as well, so be prepared to look within. We'll get vulnerable, silly, curious, and real.
Because Earth School is hard, without your family of the heart, and your friends on the Other Side.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hi, y'all, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hi there, I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the
Other Side.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Now, y'all need to know that we are obsessed with
everything on the other side.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Yes, we are, because once you learn to navigate the energetic,
or to some the invisible world, life is going to
be more fun and much more serene.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Uh heck, yes it can, because, let's be honest, br in,
earth school is hard.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
In fact, you taught me that let's crush earth school together.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, hello, my witchy pooh. Have you started taking ginger
shots like I do?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I have not, but not because I haven't intended to.
It's just on my list. So it's good. It sounds great,
it sounds great.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
It's good stuff. So, by the way, I'm great. Thanks
for asking. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So actually I was thinking about the ginger shots.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Right, so was I. Uh.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
And for the record, and so if you're still doing
your shots, I know you're great.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
I am. I love them. Oh that's funny. Good one.
And for those who actually were like, hey, this is
kind of interesting, I'll take the little Challenge, the Third
Day Challenge. They're way cheaper at your grocery store than
they are ordering from anybody. Juice, yeah, juice, Yeah, they're
just way better. They haven't the grocery store. They're freshly delivered.
(01:41):
They're just cheaper. This is this This was not the
coupon cutting episode, but apparently it is.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I love your Midwestern roots.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
It's also it's hilarious, right, so ridiculous. Yeah, So we
want to continue our happiness segments.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Because it's striking a note with our listeners.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Right, yes, So today we wanted to talk about really
happiness and our friends and family, which I think is
probably one of the most complex part of Earth School.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Right, we're jumping right in people, Yeah, jumping Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
We're not messing around here. You know, one of the studies,
because again I'm being nerdy elf with all of this,
is right, is that relationships are much more conducive to
a happy life than money. And you know, there's old
adages that I'm going to get wrong, but you know,
(02:42):
a rich man doesn't have to have a big bank
account kind of idea, or a rich woman a rich person.
It's obviously dated because I'm pretty sure it said man,
So I think that we should, you know, really dive
into this because this has been something that has probably
more so than anything else, been affected by COVID. You know,
(03:06):
we were not out and about. I mean, we're traveling
a bit more now, but you know, we just haven't
seen a lot of the people, especially at our ages.
I think at this point we haven't seen them as much.
We don't live by everybody. You know, if you're fortunate
enough to live in the same town with every person
you love in the world, congratulations, but I doubt there's
(03:27):
many of you.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Yeah, well done, Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Right, but I doubt there's a lot of you. And
also we want to talk about the pros and cons
of it as well, and about being selective and and
just kind of how do we deal with that, because
it's not just every family member is you know, participating
in our personal happiness, nor is it everyone we've met
(03:51):
along the line is doing that either, right, But we
both have had some some events recently at I think
I have reminded us of how crucial certain people are
in our lives. And again, whether they're family or friends.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
And you know, listen, recently family, family of the heart.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Exactly right, because recently the boys, Ruben and Jimmy came
to Santa Fe and thanks to you, Brenda, because you
told them to. And it was just pure joy, utter
(04:35):
joy everything we did. And I know we I think
we talked about this in a previous episode that they
were in town. And on my birthday eve we went
and saw Oppenheimer. The next day we went to Los Alamos, right,
which was the kind of the birthplace of the atomic bomb.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Yay, very joyous experience.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
It was actually fun though, because we because we spent
it with them. That's what made it fun, right.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Of course, of course, And it was just.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
It's one of those things. We hadn't seen him in
a while. Both of our family, like Susanna and I
and Jimmy, we've been moving, living in different places, doing
different things. COVID right in the middle of it all,
and they moved to exactly right they did, they did,
(05:30):
and so it it. It reminds, but it was a
remind every day I and I didn't take it for granted,
and every day was I can't wait to see him,
and I don't care what we did. It didn't have
to be spectacular, it didn't have to be you know,
and that's also the thing when you know, well, just
being there with them was spectacular. And it also and
(05:55):
in that time, I had like a double header. And
in my double header, you know, my friend Tricia who
is in LA who's a casting director. And and it's
interesting because I was writing an email to someone and
I said, oh, yes, one of my oldest and most
important friendships, and I was talking about Tricia. We don't
(06:17):
talk every day, but she is certainly one of my
oldest friends and one of my most important relationships. And
because it's built on honesty, it's built on mutual like respect, admiration,
all the things that you want, it's built on love.
And I saw her twice in the last ten days,
(06:39):
and I just feel like I just had this like
I hit the I like scratched off the winning lottery
ticket and I got and I got double the prize,
you know, like it's some of the lottery tickets you
scratched it off, and it's like two times, I'm like
two x my prize.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
It's like, oh my god, I got closed my pride.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
But that's exactly what it felt like. It and it
and it, I mean, that's what it was. It that's
how it felt, and that was happiness. That was joy,
it was bliss, it was all of those things. And
being reminded of that was also great to remember the
(07:19):
communication to keep it going like more frequently than prior,
because I think again, COVID like really messed us up.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
I missed me h well, and it got we got
out of sync with the people that we would see intentionally.
You know, we'd have to plan it around, but we'd
see regularly at a distance, right right. So that's were
just out of sync.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I think, and I think became more like isolated in
every way, even though we could reach out, we could
do things. I think we just became isolated. I think
there was fear and I think you were taking care
of Yes, we're taking care.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
We're taking care of other other things than just the
regular maintenance, like we'd plan a trip or like, hey,
let's let's make sure we see your new house or
you know whatever, and it's just not happening at the
rate it was before.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Right right. In fact, speaking of seeing new homes, I
mean our house isn't new, but the boys saw it.
I mean, yeah, they look like a shithole at the time,
but you can see that there's there's potential there.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
The bones are good.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
The bones are good. And then and the boys had
they made a couple purchases here and she's like, hey,
I'm going to Texas next week to go see my family.
She has a new great nephew. And she goes, let
me just cruise by San Antonio and I'll drop this
stuff off. And she did. So she got to see
their new house and got to see them again. And
(08:45):
I'm all jealous over here going off to see them again,
you know, but it just right, it is and I
and it was happiness, and that is so crucial, right,
even if you can't see people, there are people, healthy
relationships that bring you that happiness. Right. You had the
same but different experience.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Well, I did so for different reasons. One of Katie
was on the East coast and Kate Frenery, who we've
had on the show before, she had changing her plans
and she's like, are you in town? Would you be
okay if I flew in for a couple of days.
I'm like, are you kidding?
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Katy?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
And I like went to dinner on a Wednesday like this,
this is an extraordinary event in my life. Has never happened. Yeah,
it was just like so ordinary and so great, and
you know it was just like like you felt like
it was just such a bonus round, right, and you know,
(09:51):
so much joy. And then recently my friend Saally came
into town and we had just the most extraordinary weekend
of doing ordinary things and just elated the whole time,
just giggles glore and stories and sharing, and you know
it was amazing and experiences.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
That you know, you memories you created together in these
you know, happy situations that you that can only be
at that level with that with them, with that person.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Yes, exactly, and you know, both these women I've known
for over twenty years, and you know it's just amazing.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Yeah, twenty, isn't it more than twenty?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Well, I just I'm rounding. I don't know you're around.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
I like to do math, but I like to say
a bazillion when something is two hundred. But see that's
how I like to round up. I was just totally
teasing you because I think you've been friends with that
for a really long time. And I love that because
because also you know you feel that way because you
love them, right like you love them. We love the
boys and we just love them, and Tricia absolutely and
(10:59):
her friend Jay love them.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yes, and it's just such a blessing yep. And hours
of have happiness like revisiting those those the visits that
you had in the years to come, Like, let'll just
create more and more joy Like it's a perpetual cycle
of upward affirmation of love. Right. It's a wonderful thing
when it gets when it happens in our lives that
(11:23):
we get to spend time and create memories with these
extraordinary people, right.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
And and they also go through phases, right, just like
our relationships with family. But why don't we take a
quick break and let's get to that, because you know
we're not We're just sharing like some very recent things
that have happened that we have not had for a while, right,
And but I think we need to talk about family
(11:49):
a bit and about making sure that the relationships that
we seek and time with and spend investor time are
also the ones that are good for us that actually
do create happiness. So we'll be right back. Yeah, uh,
y'all were back talk actually challenges for it.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Right, Well, this is what we were talking about. You know,
obviously the examples we gave in, you know, just a
minute ago. Were the ones that are so easy to
celebrate and so clean and so much history, and the
people you count on and they count on you, and
there's this mutual you know, they got all the your dirt,
(12:36):
You've got all their dirt, and so you're in it
together in the best way, you know, like it's it's
really a beautiful thing and easy and something you long to,
you know, reconnect. And then there are situations that are
confusing because people are complex and so a lot of
times you'll have had or shared an extraordinary experience that
(13:00):
happiness or where you're aligned on the same page, and
then you have conflicting experiences. We're like, wait, where did
that come from? Or you know, they really kind of
didn't speak well of me, or I heard from somebody else,
or you know something you know, it's just confusing, and
so you have these mixed emotions or these mixed experiences
(13:22):
or interpretations of situations that don't line up, and you
don't really know how to hold that. So do I
show up full hearted? Do I reach out to this person?
Do I avoid this person? What if we are family
and I can't just ghost you? Or we have a
shared community, and so like I don't know what to
do if we're in the same situation, Like do I
play along? And that doesn't feel good? Like so it
(13:44):
gets really complicated really fast.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Yeah, it does. Yeah, And that's normally to me, that's
normally a family, you know. But I understand you're also
talking about friendship. So I'm going to go back to
Trisia for a second, and I'm going to give you
an example of why that is rooted and how it's
rooted just so, and I'm going to say this story
(14:06):
because so people can kind of place themselves, you know,
somewhere in there and to maybe understand their relationships a
little bit different. So when Tricia and I, well, for
one is I was get the most important part. When
Tricia and I were in college, her brother comitted suicide
and I was going to SMU at the time, and
(14:28):
I left and went back to Oklahoma to go spend
time with her. And I remember when I drove into town,
her grandmother told me that she was at the Methodist
church up in the youth group section, and interestingly, she
was sitting there by herself. And I remember walking up
there and I saw her and we both just started
(14:50):
to sob and I just sat up there with her
and just hugged her and held her hand and listened
to her. And it was for two people that were
not even twenty yet that it was a very mature relationship, right,
And it was and that was And there's so many
(15:11):
cases where you know, she has emotionally rescued me. He
believe me. But it's also a relationship that's based on honesty.
I mean she has flat outs like rigor, don't do that,
or rigor da da da da da, or rigor think
about which I really appreciate because you know, Cherchia, I mean,
she doesn't hold anything back, and that's my love.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
And she's she's very passionate.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
A very and also someone who is very clear and
a lot of times she's I've called her twice and
said you were right, and I didn't want to, but
I but it's one of the reasons that I left her,
so thinking about like that. You know, I'm just using
(15:53):
that as a baseline, right, because I think it's always
important to have baselines. And I know you and Katie
have like an incredible relationship and how you two met
and you know, you guys were roommates. You know, I
know Sally and your relationship with her, not all aspects,
of course, but they feel very similar in that way
(16:13):
of right of death. Yep.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
And what we're talking about is the complexity of people
who are there for you and then not there for you,
or they say they want to support you, but then
when you reach for them for support, it doesn't. You
don't walk away feeling like you're supported. You don't sometimes
look walk away feeling seen like all of a sudden
you're helping them or something you know it can and
(16:39):
you're like, well, they didn't, they didn't mean to ignore
my needs in the moment, but it still doesn't feel good.
And you have to pay attention to the to how
things land with you, and if you are feeling like
you can't actually speak it to the person, it does
have to be in the moment because sometimes it takes
a beat for to figure out how we feel about something.
(17:02):
You know, just depending on who you are, we all
have different processing, timing and effectiveness and awareness. So sometimes
like you have to be alone to feel your feelings
like wait, that was not okay, I should have said something.
I'm going to follow back with that person or I'm
not comfortable falling back. Following up with that person like
that gives you information that this relationship either needs some
(17:26):
work or needs an investment that could possibly change it
to something richer or more meaningful, or maybe it's time
to consider pulling back a little bit. And again, it
doesn't mean you have to ghost someone, but giving yourself
the validation that how you feel matters, and when you're
(17:46):
not able to speak your truth, you have to pay
attention to it. Or if your truth isn't received or
at least acknowledged, doesn't mean they have to agree with you,
because they'll have their own experience, which is fine, right
because they have their own whole world, but at least
to acknowledge like, oh, I didn't mean that, or gosh,
I can see how that felt that way, that's not
(18:08):
what I intended. Like this is a valuable conversation, but
for them to say that didn't happen is something that's different.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I totally agree with you. I totally agree with you wholeheartedly.
It's you know, and again, I'm going to go back
to what you taught me, because there's a lot there
so sweeting and well, it's totally true though, because part
of what you're talking about is understanding and exercising your
own boundaries and also being thoughtful right about processing things.
(18:38):
And listen, I have found myself at times being carried
away with different relationships about people who I wanted them
to be my friend, so I would put up with
certain things that I wouldn't normally put up with, you know,
or family relationships. I'm going to give an example. I'm
not going to use names. Yeah, this one is really wise,
(19:05):
so and again I'm just using these are examples, right
of things to think about and just on who you
have in and also because you want to look at
how how you act as well, right, because you're you know,
world perfectly imperfect. But I was Suzanne was taking me
to the airport because I was flying to Buffalo when
(19:26):
my aunt Marlene jumped and I was going to speak
at her at her service, and I'm kind of talking
to Susanne. We had somebody in the back seat just
f yi, and that somebody's gonna be left nameless, and
and I'm talking about it in this person in the
(19:47):
bag pipes up to say, Julie, I want you to
do mine? Will you do mine when I die? Well?
You da da da da, And it's like, okay, thief,
you are like one. The answer is no, let me
just before I say anything, no, but you're totally you're
(20:08):
a thief and it's not about you, and so I
don't you know. So in my head, I process is going,
I know, don't want to spend a lot of time
with you if you cannot see what's happening and you
are making it about yourself that you're somebody that I
just cannot do this with, right, and that is part
(20:28):
of my boundaries and also how I spend my time. Right.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
It's interesting Adapid has a saying because oftentimes I'm like, oh, well,
they didn't mean it, or that you know, they would
just want paying attention. And he says, just because they
didn't mean harm doesn't mean they don't do harm.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Correct O, good one to be And I'm like.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I'm out, yeah, I guess that's right, you know, well,
because he's not.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
But where they're totally not wrong is also one time
can sometime be an exception, but you see it twice,
it becomes a pattern. Right, So with this person in
the back seat, backseat, this is a pattern, and so
it makes it difficult too, because I don't. I have
no joy spending time with this person like zero, and
(21:22):
it makes it really difficult in situations like you're talking about.
And so you know, the way I have to find
some joy is or some happiness in the occasion, because
usually it's an investment in travel and time and money
and all those things, right that I will instead of
just avoiding all the time, I will Actually I don't
(21:45):
engage because that way I'm happier because I'm not causing
conflict or perpetuating conflict and spending time with other people.
But that's part of like as I sat right, because
I do so, I do self assessment. I do assessment
of those in my life. It's like there's been a
(22:06):
minute I haven't loved spending time with you. So there's
no question I fucking love you. And I would spend
as much time as you would let me with you
because I do, and.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Because and likewise my out likewise we have a great time.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
We do, and you're like family to me. I'd literally
jump in front of a train and it wouldn't jump
off before it hit me, right, I would full off
it hit Because there are people that do that fake it,
you know, it's like, but I trip back over the
other you know, rail and did get hit weird.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
There's people I make it oh my god, just.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Oh my god. But I think, but I think, but
that rice protection to do right, and that's and that
actually are happy us in our health is not engaging
and those and those like unwinnable situations.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Right, And I think this is such a rich conversation.
I think we should talk about it when we come back.
We should continue this. Are you good?
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Okay, we'll be right black, all right, We're back with
one of the people that I would for real jump
in front of a train before you go, not fake,
not bake jump, but real jump.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
I do not know how that mind works.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
It's twisted as ship. I mean, it's that was gonna make.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Me giggle all week. Are you fake jumping from me?
Or this is real jumping. So one of the things
that oh my god, that.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Was hilarious. Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
So one of the things that I think is relevant
to this conversation of navigating the complexity that is humanity, right,
That can be confusing and conflicting experiences. And this can
actually be in romance, this can be in family, this
can be in work. This can be in you know,
social communities, This can be in you know friends like
(24:21):
quote unquote friends. Right, But to give yourself permission to assess,
is this a relationship that feeds me or takes me?
Like it takes from me to the point where I'm
exhausted when I leave, Like all friendships are given take
hopefully right, Hopefully that is your experience, because if we
(24:42):
only receive from friendships, that's more like a mentorship or
like that's not a friendship. Right. We have to be
able to both give and receive, right, right, So right,
it's a mutual connection. And if you find yourself as
the only one who's a commodating whatever is on the table,
(25:03):
then it's exhausting and it's not a two way thing.
So give yourself permission to reassess and set those boundaries.
And it's also worth it in that situation to have
the hard conversation that says, you know, I was hoping
that you have you know, you're really good at this.
I was wondering if you could help me with that,
(25:23):
to have this specific conversation because I feel like, you know,
it's my intention to support you always. You know, I'm
happy to share with you. But it's also that important
that we have a give and take in our friendship,
like to call it out and give the person a
chance to pivot or to create awareness. I know a
lot of our audience members are incredibly generous people who
(25:45):
sometimes overgive and then they get resentful that people are
over receiving, you know, so just so you know, be
brave and stand up for yourself and say, hey, sometimes
I overgive and I want to make sure that I
benefit from your guidance and support and wisdom or expertise
(26:05):
or whatever it is you want to benefit from. I
don't know. Maybe you want them to jump in front
of a train. I don't know, Maybe see if they
see if they fake jump.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
I mean, at least give them credit for fake jumping.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
That's true. That takes some energy, doesn't it. But but
you have to be brave to have the conversation and
and like it's a challenge to yourself and something that
you may be surprised at how much happiness it brings
you that you stood up for yourself, like you have
this inner resilience and that you can actually name it
(26:41):
and bring it forward and then say I'm not insulting
you you know, I just want to build something that
is more balanced and sustainable for both of us, Like
do it in a really respectful way and see what happens.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
And that is the hard earned joy. Let's be honest.
Like when we open this show, that was the easy
stuff that you know that we ideally everyone everybody loves
that and hopefully everybody has that in their life. You know,
I have family members that are easy. I have some
that aren't as easy, some that have gotten easier. And
(27:15):
the other thing is, you know, to allow that evolution,
especially with people who kind of you're on the boat
with whether you like it or not, right, and that
tends to be more family. You know, my brother and
I have gone through a tremendous amount of evolution in
our relationship since we.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Were isn't that beautiful?
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Right?
Speaker 1 (27:40):
And like when but it takes energy to do it,
it does, and communication and all of those things. And
I am when we had a hard time when my
mom was sick. Don't need to go into the details.
A lot of family, a lot of siblings have problems
issues when they have a parent who is struggling and
(28:05):
health wise obviously there anyways anyway, obviously I guess struggling. Yeah,
and we have absolutely found ourselves in our relationship and
it's better than it's ever been. And and it is
a lot of a lot of inventory on who, Like
I got that place because of the inventory deal on
(28:25):
myself when I looked and saw the other side of it,
because it's never one person's fault, but it does take
both of you to figure it out, right, And there's
joy in that, right, there's joy.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
And you've mentioned the part, yes, yes, they're actually I
think your point is absolutely right that when you challenge
yourself to step up in this way, there is it's more,
there's more payoff than if there was no conflict at all. Right,
there there's actually like, oh, I overcame a hurdle, right
because you're growing a new muscle.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
So right, And so that's why joy and happiness and
all of these words bliss what we want to call
it are they're not the traditional what people think it is, right,
And so part of this whole conversation that we want
to continue to have and we want y'all to contribute
to this too, because I really want to hear what
you have to say and your questions and insights, because
(29:20):
we love those from you is really our definition of
what happiness is. Right. It's not just winning a trophy, right.
This isn't even though we did have a generation that
was a trophy generation because everybody got one, yes, right,
but it's it's also even in hard times can you
(29:43):
find those moments as well? So that we just talked
about the joy you get from from you know, exercising
your own boundaries, the being you know, uh, the dealing
with the fear of speaking the truth, speaking a hard truth.
I also just recently watched this Crisbin We're always watch it.
(30:06):
It was a documentary I think he's done a while
back about the Robert Kennedy Junior, Robert Kennedy family, like
Esther his wife, and Si senor yes senior, and so
in fact Zanna and I were watching, we couldn't remember
all the things that had happened because it was so
long ago. Esther is now ninety five and Robert or
(30:30):
Bob died when he was forty two, so this was
a long ass time ago. And he was actually I
think was after the California primary where he won that
he was shot after that, like in an interviewer or
something like that, and they had gobs of kids, like
gobs of children, and one of the things that they
(30:51):
did as a family was that they would play touch football.
And after Robert Senior was killed, esther maintain that with
those kids, and so they would go play touch football,
even in the midst of the loss and the grief
from her husband and these gobs of children's father, and
(31:15):
they have video and they're happy. He might not be there,
but they were happy. And so finding ways even in
these in terrible times and grieving times, to always check
in with yourself finding ways and that was healthy joy, right,
playing touch football. You can't honestly find a healthier way
(31:37):
for a family to connect, right, Because they were having fun,
all of them, and they all talked about it and
about her strength. Right. So that's another thing to think
about as you're dealing with your friends, your family and
there's tough situations, and it's not to be a distraction.
It truly is to be like, we don't have. It
(31:58):
doesn't have to weigh on us four seven. It's always
going to be.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Even if we have. Even if we have, it doesn't
have to be grief. Even if we've had a tough conversation.
What's something that you know we have shared before, and
how can we link these two? So maybe you know,
we if it's a family member, and maybe there's a
recipe that our family enjoys and we can make together
and you know or something whatever that activity would be
(32:23):
kind of see if there's a you could plan for
that to follow the tough conversation. Hey, let's go for
by cride or something, you know something or family.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
It's with red velvet cake. We're main ingredients? Was lard?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Oh, mercy, it is the old school.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Red velvet cake. Or I'm not joking and the cake
makes itself was lard? Sorry I got distracted, but that
is one of our families. You're right. I would be
out together and then I have a heart attack after
or or.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Find a way to health afid the recipe. That might
be a thing to do, but I love you so
much I took out the lard. Yeah, clearly, so you
had you brought up a number of times that you've
taken this internal assessment, and I was wondering if you
(33:13):
would share your process or part of your process, because
I think that would be helpful for people. Sometimes it's
hard to know how am I assessing myself correctly. Am
I doing this right or is this a good way?
I don't know. It's just what I've been doing. But
do you have I.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Will I have a great one, Yeah, I do. It
has to do with Suzanne and I and I've talked
about this before with hert not with other people, but
on the show. But hi, everybody, I'm going to do
that right now because I think the first thing I
always look at is the ego part of it. I
look at like, why, like my behavior? What is it
(33:50):
that I'm trying to elicit from my behavior? Is it real?
Is it true? And And it's really interesting because this
was when we were living in LA and working for Fox,
and I would come back I'm like, oh, I'm just
so tired. I worked so hard today, and I would
just kind of do this thing because it was I
don't either. I was looking for sympathy. I was looking
(34:11):
for raw, raw, thank you way to go whatever it was.
It wasn't And it also wasn't the fucking truth. I
wasn't no, I mean I was being really honest, I wasn't.
I wasn't exhausted. It was not a hardship. I loved it.
I mean there were certain days that sucked. Don't get
me wrong, because that's happened. But I think there's a
(34:33):
bit of what we do a lot of and I
found myself of like a bit of an over dramatization
as stockings that might sound to you of certain things
and events, but it was to elicit something that I
felt that I needed. And I think that is part
of the assessment that I do. And I'm going to
tell I don't do that shit anymore. You never hear
(34:54):
me say that, And I mean if I'm tired, I'm
literally on my ass tired, you know. But so it's
a little bit of I didn't I learned I didn't
need the the.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
Exterior external external thank you with external validation feeding is
the word I was going to use, but validation, yes,
And because I think people do that, I think there's
a drama.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
So I saw that myself. So I look at things
of like what side, like what part of this do
I own? And I'm very honest, like with my brother,
I did the same thing. What part of this do
I own? And part of my issue that I've had
with him at times is that my expectations were wrong,
and they were because they were my expectations, you know,
of course caring for my He had three children, children
(35:43):
when my mother was sick, and I gave him zero
credit for it, And because the most important thing that
was going on was mom was sick, because I didn't
have children to care for, I mean I had Homer.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Well, you also had a different relationship. I had very
much relationship with your mom than he had. Yes, yes,
it's just different.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
And so I think that's part of it too, which
is where where was I not given credit? I look
at that. I was also that our relationships with people
are different. It's like you would you help me so
much with that? Where it was like, oh, I was
also always supposed to be the one that like why
would it be anybody else but me? And then you said,
(36:27):
and if you're going to go through it with somebody,
wouldn't you rather go through it with Susanne? It's like,
of course, I would, you know. And I tell listen,
I retell that story a lot. And I retell the
story in a way of where I wasn't paying attention,
I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I pay attention to
it for and I and I retell it because I
(36:47):
found people in the same situation a lot, So that
story I tell a lot.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Yeah, our expectations are really important because they're so obvious
to us because of how we see the world. But
not everyone sees the world the way the way the
way you do. Right, We don't see the world the
way the world is. We see the world the way
we are Byron Katie has is an author and speaker
and you know, realized being. And she has a process
(37:16):
called The Work and I really think it's a great
self assessment that's really similar to what you're doing. But
if people you want just another reference to her book,
Loving What Is is super helpful. And she has four
basic questions. I kind of only think of three of
them in this moment, but it's is this true? Is
(37:37):
this absolutely true? Those are two different questions because because
it would be something like, well, my husband should do
my brother should do this? Well, is that true? No?
Well yes, because because we're you know, she was both our.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Yes he should, because she was both of our mom Yes, yeah,
no it.
Speaker 2 (38:05):
And who would you be without this thought? Right, that's
the third question. I can't remember what the fourth question is,
but you guys can look it up and let me know.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
Yeah, leave me to hang in y'all.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
But in the best way. I mean, her work is extraordinary.
And I think as we think about happiness and friends
and family and the complexity of humanity that we weave
our lives with, how to be our best version and
how to give and get the best version for ourselves
(38:41):
is really worth exploring, investing in and just taking care
of yourself in this extraordinary way. It takes a lot
of energy, a lot of consciousness, and it pays off.
And it doesn't matter if you're investing in positive or negative,
it pays off. So like, really pay attention, do.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
It right, right, right, and again that internal work of
like really asking yourself the honest question and answer yourself honestly.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
That is the time to do it.
Speaker 1 (39:11):
And take the time to do it, in the courage
to do it, because we people operate a lot of
people operate with very fragile egos and they can't they
don't want to see right and.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
So and it's really helpful if you write it down.
Don't just do it verbally, don't don't do it mentally
in your head. Write it down, get honest, and do
it like no one's watching, because that's super important too, Yes,
it is.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
It is very important. Yeah, and it does. And that's
why I thought this part of happiness, like, let's let's
let's talk about the hardest first, because I think this
is the relationships are probably the most complicated and you
can't solve it through drinking of ginger shot.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
I can't hurt though it was.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
Fabulous, But yeah, it is the hardest part. So you
know that. That because even doing the work, and then
you because I've learned and I have achieved great happiness
from actually doing that work. Because achieving it that is
also happiness. Right, Happiness isn't just being at a club
at a I mean, don't get me wrong, I do
(40:14):
love me a drag show, and that is a form
of happiness. But happiness comes in so many flavors, y'all.
And that's what we want to really get across, Like
look at the definition of it. Just because you're not
at a drag show or out with people having some
like to have cocktails, whatever it is, doesn't mean it
can't be happy, doesn't mean you can't find any other ways.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
And this exploration pays off continually, so the next engagement
you'll have this insight, you'll know how to honor yourself.
It's it's just such a payment over and over and
over back to you. So please consider play with it.
Let us know what you think. So thanks for listening everybody,
and remember our school is hard.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Oh Lord, yes, oh yes, and without the other side.
You're looking for confirmation, were you?
Speaker 2 (41:06):
Thanks everybody, Thank you for joining us. Everyone, and a
special thanks to our producer Joey Patt and our executive
producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us well. We guide you.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Hit us up on Instagram at other Side Guides, or
shoot us a note at high Hi at Vibes dot Store.
Speaker 2 (41:35):
We want to know what you think. We want to
know what you know, and we want to hear your stories.
And remember, our school is hard.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
Without the other side. Insider's Guide to the Other Side
is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hi, y'all, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hi there, I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the
Other Side.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Now, y'all need to know that we are obsessed with
everything on the other side.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Yes, we are, because once you learn to navigate the energetic,
or to some the invisible world, life is going to
be more fun and much more serene.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Uh heck, yes it can, because, let's be honest, br in,
earth school is hard.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
In fact, you taught me that let's crush earth school together.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, hello, my witchy pooh. Have you started taking ginger
shots like I do?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I have not, but not because I haven't intended to.
It's just on my list. So it's good. It sounds great,
it sounds great.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
It's good stuff. So, by the way, I'm great. Thanks
for asking. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So actually I was thinking about the ginger shots.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Right, so was I. Uh.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
And for the record, and so if you're still doing
your shots, I know you're great.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
I am. I love them. Oh that's funny. Good one.
And for those who actually were like, hey, this is
kind of interesting, I'll take the little Challenge, the Third
Day Challenge. They're way cheaper at your grocery store than
they are ordering from anybody. Juice, yeah, juice, Yeah, they're
just way better. They haven't the grocery store. They're freshly delivered.
(01:41):
They're just cheaper. This is this This was not the
coupon cutting episode, but apparently it is.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I love your Midwestern roots.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
It's also it's hilarious, right, so ridiculous. Yeah, So we
want to continue our happiness segments.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Because it's striking a note with our listeners.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Right, yes, So today we wanted to talk about really
happiness and our friends and family, which I think is
probably one of the most complex part of Earth School.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Right, we're jumping right in people, Yeah, jumping Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
We're not messing around here. You know, one of the studies,
because again I'm being nerdy elf with all of this,
is right, is that relationships are much more conducive to
a happy life than money. And you know, there's old
adages that I'm going to get wrong, but you know,
(02:42):
a rich man doesn't have to have a big bank
account kind of idea, or a rich woman a rich person.
It's obviously dated because I'm pretty sure it said man,
So I think that we should, you know, really dive
into this because this has been something that has probably
more so than anything else, been affected by COVID. You know,
(03:06):
we were not out and about. I mean, we're traveling
a bit more now, but you know, we just haven't
seen a lot of the people, especially at our ages.
I think at this point we haven't seen them as much.
We don't live by everybody. You know, if you're fortunate
enough to live in the same town with every person
you love in the world, congratulations, but I doubt there's
(03:27):
many of you.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Yeah, well done, Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Right, but I doubt there's a lot of you. And
also we want to talk about the pros and cons
of it as well, and about being selective and and
just kind of how do we deal with that, because
it's not just every family member is you know, participating
in our personal happiness, nor is it everyone we've met
(03:51):
along the line is doing that either, right, But we
both have had some some events recently at I think
I have reminded us of how crucial certain people are
in our lives. And again, whether they're family or friends.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
And you know, listen, recently family, family of the heart.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Exactly right, because recently the boys, Ruben and Jimmy came
to Santa Fe and thanks to you, Brenda, because you
told them to. And it was just pure joy, utter
(04:35):
joy everything we did. And I know we I think
we talked about this in a previous episode that they
were in town. And on my birthday eve we went
and saw Oppenheimer. The next day we went to Los Alamos, right,
which was the kind of the birthplace of the atomic bomb.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Yay, very joyous experience.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
It was actually fun though, because we because we spent
it with them. That's what made it fun, right.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Of course, of course, And it was just.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
It's one of those things. We hadn't seen him in
a while. Both of our family, like Susanna and I
and Jimmy, we've been moving, living in different places, doing
different things. COVID right in the middle of it all,
and they moved to exactly right they did, they did,
(05:30):
and so it it. It reminds, but it was a
remind every day I and I didn't take it for granted,
and every day was I can't wait to see him,
and I don't care what we did. It didn't have
to be spectacular, it didn't have to be you know,
and that's also the thing when you know, well, just
being there with them was spectacular. And it also and
(05:55):
in that time, I had like a double header. And
in my double header, you know, my friend Tricia who
is in LA who's a casting director. And and it's
interesting because I was writing an email to someone and
I said, oh, yes, one of my oldest and most
important friendships, and I was talking about Tricia. We don't
(06:17):
talk every day, but she is certainly one of my
oldest friends and one of my most important relationships. And
because it's built on honesty, it's built on mutual like respect, admiration,
all the things that you want, it's built on love.
And I saw her twice in the last ten days,
(06:39):
and I just feel like I just had this like
I hit the I like scratched off the winning lottery
ticket and I got and I got double the prize,
you know, like it's some of the lottery tickets you
scratched it off, and it's like two times, I'm like
two x my prize.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
It's like, oh my god, I got closed my pride.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
But that's exactly what it felt like. It and it
and it, I mean, that's what it was. It that's
how it felt, and that was happiness. That was joy,
it was bliss, it was all of those things. And
being reminded of that was also great to remember the
(07:19):
communication to keep it going like more frequently than prior,
because I think again, COVID like really messed us up.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
I missed me h well, and it got we got
out of sync with the people that we would see intentionally.
You know, we'd have to plan it around, but we'd
see regularly at a distance, right right. So that's were
just out of sync.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I think, and I think became more like isolated in
every way, even though we could reach out, we could
do things. I think we just became isolated. I think
there was fear and I think you were taking care
of Yes, we're taking care.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
We're taking care of other other things than just the
regular maintenance, like we'd plan a trip or like, hey,
let's let's make sure we see your new house or
you know whatever, and it's just not happening at the
rate it was before.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Right right. In fact, speaking of seeing new homes, I
mean our house isn't new, but the boys saw it.
I mean, yeah, they look like a shithole at the time,
but you can see that there's there's potential there.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
The bones are good.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
The bones are good. And then and the boys had
they made a couple purchases here and she's like, hey,
I'm going to Texas next week to go see my family.
She has a new great nephew. And she goes, let
me just cruise by San Antonio and I'll drop this
stuff off. And she did. So she got to see
their new house and got to see them again. And
(08:45):
I'm all jealous over here going off to see them again,
you know, but it just right, it is and I
and it was happiness, and that is so crucial, right,
even if you can't see people, there are people, healthy
relationships that bring you that happiness. Right. You had the
same but different experience.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Well, I did so for different reasons. One of Katie
was on the East coast and Kate Frenery, who we've
had on the show before, she had changing her plans
and she's like, are you in town? Would you be
okay if I flew in for a couple of days.
I'm like, are you kidding?
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Katy?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
And I like went to dinner on a Wednesday like this,
this is an extraordinary event in my life. Has never happened. Yeah,
it was just like so ordinary and so great, and
you know it was just like like you felt like
it was just such a bonus round, right, and you know,
(09:51):
so much joy. And then recently my friend Saally came
into town and we had just the most extraordinary weekend
of doing ordinary things and just elated the whole time,
just giggles glore and stories and sharing, and you know
it was amazing and experiences.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
That you know, you memories you created together in these
you know, happy situations that you that can only be
at that level with that with them, with that person.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Yes, exactly, and you know, both these women I've known
for over twenty years, and you know it's just amazing.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Yeah, twenty, isn't it more than twenty?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Well, I just I'm rounding. I don't know you're around.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
I like to do math, but I like to say
a bazillion when something is two hundred. But see that's
how I like to round up. I was just totally
teasing you because I think you've been friends with that
for a really long time. And I love that because
because also you know you feel that way because you
love them, right like you love them. We love the
boys and we just love them, and Tricia absolutely and
(10:59):
her friend Jay love them.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yes, and it's just such a blessing yep. And hours
of have happiness like revisiting those those the visits that
you had in the years to come, Like, let'll just
create more and more joy Like it's a perpetual cycle
of upward affirmation of love. Right. It's a wonderful thing
when it gets when it happens in our lives that
(11:23):
we get to spend time and create memories with these
extraordinary people, right.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
And and they also go through phases, right, just like
our relationships with family. But why don't we take a
quick break and let's get to that, because you know
we're not We're just sharing like some very recent things
that have happened that we have not had for a while, right,
And but I think we need to talk about family
(11:49):
a bit and about making sure that the relationships that
we seek and time with and spend investor time are
also the ones that are good for us that actually
do create happiness. So we'll be right back. Yeah, uh,
y'all were back talk actually challenges for it.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Right, Well, this is what we were talking about. You know,
obviously the examples we gave in, you know, just a
minute ago. Were the ones that are so easy to
celebrate and so clean and so much history, and the
people you count on and they count on you, and
there's this mutual you know, they got all the your dirt,
(12:36):
You've got all their dirt, and so you're in it
together in the best way, you know, like it's it's
really a beautiful thing and easy and something you long to,
you know, reconnect. And then there are situations that are
confusing because people are complex and so a lot of
times you'll have had or shared an extraordinary experience that
(13:00):
happiness or where you're aligned on the same page, and
then you have conflicting experiences. We're like, wait, where did
that come from? Or you know, they really kind of
didn't speak well of me, or I heard from somebody else,
or you know something you know, it's just confusing, and
so you have these mixed emotions or these mixed experiences
(13:22):
or interpretations of situations that don't line up, and you
don't really know how to hold that. So do I
show up full hearted? Do I reach out to this person?
Do I avoid this person? What if we are family
and I can't just ghost you? Or we have a
shared community, and so like I don't know what to
do if we're in the same situation, Like do I
play along? And that doesn't feel good? Like so it
(13:44):
gets really complicated really fast.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Yeah, it does. Yeah, And that's normally to me, that's
normally a family, you know. But I understand you're also
talking about friendship. So I'm going to go back to
Trisia for a second, and I'm going to give you
an example of why that is rooted and how it's
rooted just so, and I'm going to say this story
(14:06):
because so people can kind of place themselves, you know,
somewhere in there and to maybe understand their relationships a
little bit different. So when Tricia and I, well, for
one is I was get the most important part. When
Tricia and I were in college, her brother comitted suicide
and I was going to SMU at the time, and
(14:28):
I left and went back to Oklahoma to go spend
time with her. And I remember when I drove into town,
her grandmother told me that she was at the Methodist
church up in the youth group section, and interestingly, she
was sitting there by herself. And I remember walking up
there and I saw her and we both just started
(14:50):
to sob and I just sat up there with her
and just hugged her and held her hand and listened
to her. And it was for two people that were
not even twenty yet that it was a very mature relationship, right,
And it was and that was And there's so many
(15:11):
cases where you know, she has emotionally rescued me. He
believe me. But it's also a relationship that's based on honesty.
I mean she has flat outs like rigor, don't do that,
or rigor da da da da da, or rigor think
about which I really appreciate because you know, Cherchia, I mean,
she doesn't hold anything back, and that's my love.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
And she's she's very passionate.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
A very and also someone who is very clear and
a lot of times she's I've called her twice and
said you were right, and I didn't want to, but
I but it's one of the reasons that I left her,
so thinking about like that. You know, I'm just using
(15:53):
that as a baseline, right, because I think it's always
important to have baselines. And I know you and Katie
have like an incredible relationship and how you two met
and you know, you guys were roommates. You know, I
know Sally and your relationship with her, not all aspects,
of course, but they feel very similar in that way
(16:13):
of right of death. Yep.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
And what we're talking about is the complexity of people
who are there for you and then not there for you,
or they say they want to support you, but then
when you reach for them for support, it doesn't. You
don't walk away feeling like you're supported. You don't sometimes
look walk away feeling seen like all of a sudden
you're helping them or something you know it can and
(16:39):
you're like, well, they didn't, they didn't mean to ignore
my needs in the moment, but it still doesn't feel good.
And you have to pay attention to the to how
things land with you, and if you are feeling like
you can't actually speak it to the person, it does
have to be in the moment because sometimes it takes
a beat for to figure out how we feel about something.
(17:02):
You know, just depending on who you are, we all
have different processing, timing and effectiveness and awareness. So sometimes
like you have to be alone to feel your feelings
like wait, that was not okay, I should have said something.
I'm going to follow back with that person or I'm
not comfortable falling back. Following up with that person like
that gives you information that this relationship either needs some
(17:26):
work or needs an investment that could possibly change it
to something richer or more meaningful, or maybe it's time
to consider pulling back a little bit. And again, it
doesn't mean you have to ghost someone, but giving yourself
the validation that how you feel matters, and when you're
(17:46):
not able to speak your truth, you have to pay
attention to it. Or if your truth isn't received or
at least acknowledged, doesn't mean they have to agree with you,
because they'll have their own experience, which is fine, right
because they have their own whole world, but at least
to acknowledge like, oh, I didn't mean that, or gosh,
I can see how that felt that way, that's not
(18:08):
what I intended. Like this is a valuable conversation, but
for them to say that didn't happen is something that's different.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I totally agree with you. I totally agree with you wholeheartedly.
It's you know, and again, I'm going to go back
to what you taught me, because there's a lot there
so sweeting and well, it's totally true though, because part
of what you're talking about is understanding and exercising your
own boundaries and also being thoughtful right about processing things.
(18:38):
And listen, I have found myself at times being carried
away with different relationships about people who I wanted them
to be my friend, so I would put up with
certain things that I wouldn't normally put up with, you know,
or family relationships. I'm going to give an example. I'm
not going to use names. Yeah, this one is really wise,
(19:05):
so and again I'm just using these are examples, right
of things to think about and just on who you
have in and also because you want to look at
how how you act as well, right, because you're you know,
world perfectly imperfect. But I was Suzanne was taking me
to the airport because I was flying to Buffalo when
(19:26):
my aunt Marlene jumped and I was going to speak
at her at her service, and I'm kind of talking
to Susanne. We had somebody in the back seat just
f yi, and that somebody's gonna be left nameless, and
and I'm talking about it in this person in the
(19:47):
bag pipes up to say, Julie, I want you to
do mine? Will you do mine when I die? Well?
You da da da da, And it's like, okay, thief,
you are like one. The answer is no, let me
just before I say anything, no, but you're totally you're
(20:08):
a thief and it's not about you, and so I
don't you know. So in my head, I process is going,
I know, don't want to spend a lot of time
with you if you cannot see what's happening and you
are making it about yourself that you're somebody that I
just cannot do this with, right, and that is part
(20:28):
of my boundaries and also how I spend my time. Right.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
It's interesting Adapid has a saying because oftentimes I'm like, oh, well,
they didn't mean it, or that you know, they would
just want paying attention. And he says, just because they
didn't mean harm doesn't mean they don't do harm.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Correct O, good one to be And I'm like.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I'm out, yeah, I guess that's right, you know, well,
because he's not.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
But where they're totally not wrong is also one time
can sometime be an exception, but you see it twice,
it becomes a pattern. Right, So with this person in
the back seat, backseat, this is a pattern, and so
it makes it difficult too, because I don't. I have
no joy spending time with this person like zero, and
(21:22):
it makes it really difficult in situations like you're talking about.
And so you know, the way I have to find
some joy is or some happiness in the occasion, because
usually it's an investment in travel and time and money
and all those things, right that I will instead of
just avoiding all the time, I will Actually I don't
(21:45):
engage because that way I'm happier because I'm not causing
conflict or perpetuating conflict and spending time with other people.
But that's part of like as I sat right, because
I do so, I do self assessment. I do assessment
of those in my life. It's like there's been a
(22:06):
minute I haven't loved spending time with you. So there's
no question I fucking love you. And I would spend
as much time as you would let me with you
because I do, and.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Because and likewise my out likewise we have a great time.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
We do, and you're like family to me. I'd literally
jump in front of a train and it wouldn't jump
off before it hit me, right, I would full off
it hit Because there are people that do that fake it,
you know, it's like, but I trip back over the
other you know, rail and did get hit weird.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
There's people I make it oh my god, just.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Oh my god. But I think, but I think, but
that rice protection to do right, and that's and that
actually are happy us in our health is not engaging
and those and those like unwinnable situations.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Right, And I think this is such a rich conversation.
I think we should talk about it when we come back.
We should continue this. Are you good?
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Okay, we'll be right black, all right, We're back with
one of the people that I would for real jump
in front of a train before you go, not fake,
not bake jump, but real jump.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
I do not know how that mind works.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
It's twisted as ship. I mean, it's that was gonna make.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Me giggle all week. Are you fake jumping from me?
Or this is real jumping. So one of the things
that oh my god, that.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Was hilarious. Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
So one of the things that I think is relevant
to this conversation of navigating the complexity that is humanity, right,
That can be confusing and conflicting experiences. And this can
actually be in romance, this can be in family, this
can be in work. This can be in you know,
social communities, This can be in you know friends like
(24:21):
quote unquote friends. Right, But to give yourself permission to assess,
is this a relationship that feeds me or takes me?
Like it takes from me to the point where I'm
exhausted when I leave, Like all friendships are given take
hopefully right, Hopefully that is your experience, because if we
(24:42):
only receive from friendships, that's more like a mentorship or
like that's not a friendship. Right. We have to be
able to both give and receive, right, right, So right,
it's a mutual connection. And if you find yourself as
the only one who's a commodating whatever is on the table,
(25:03):
then it's exhausting and it's not a two way thing.
So give yourself permission to reassess and set those boundaries.
And it's also worth it in that situation to have
the hard conversation that says, you know, I was hoping
that you have you know, you're really good at this.
I was wondering if you could help me with that,
(25:23):
to have this specific conversation because I feel like, you know,
it's my intention to support you always. You know, I'm
happy to share with you. But it's also that important
that we have a give and take in our friendship,
like to call it out and give the person a
chance to pivot or to create awareness. I know a
lot of our audience members are incredibly generous people who
(25:45):
sometimes overgive and then they get resentful that people are
over receiving, you know, so just so you know, be
brave and stand up for yourself and say, hey, sometimes
I overgive and I want to make sure that I
benefit from your guidance and support and wisdom or expertise
(26:05):
or whatever it is you want to benefit from. I
don't know. Maybe you want them to jump in front
of a train. I don't know, Maybe see if they
see if they fake jump.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
I mean, at least give them credit for fake jumping.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
That's true. That takes some energy, doesn't it. But but
you have to be brave to have the conversation and
and like it's a challenge to yourself and something that
you may be surprised at how much happiness it brings
you that you stood up for yourself, like you have
this inner resilience and that you can actually name it
(26:41):
and bring it forward and then say I'm not insulting
you you know, I just want to build something that
is more balanced and sustainable for both of us, Like
do it in a really respectful way and see what happens.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
And that is the hard earned joy. Let's be honest.
Like when we open this show, that was the easy
stuff that you know that we ideally everyone everybody loves
that and hopefully everybody has that in their life. You know,
I have family members that are easy. I have some
that aren't as easy, some that have gotten easier. And
(27:15):
the other thing is, you know, to allow that evolution,
especially with people who kind of you're on the boat
with whether you like it or not, right, and that
tends to be more family. You know, my brother and
I have gone through a tremendous amount of evolution in
our relationship since we.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Were isn't that beautiful?
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Right?
Speaker 1 (27:40):
And like when but it takes energy to do it,
it does, and communication and all of those things. And
I am when we had a hard time when my
mom was sick. Don't need to go into the details.
A lot of family, a lot of siblings have problems
issues when they have a parent who is struggling and
(28:05):
health wise obviously there anyways anyway, obviously I guess struggling. Yeah,
and we have absolutely found ourselves in our relationship and
it's better than it's ever been. And and it is
a lot of a lot of inventory on who, Like
I got that place because of the inventory deal on
(28:25):
myself when I looked and saw the other side of it,
because it's never one person's fault, but it does take
both of you to figure it out, right, And there's
joy in that, right, there's joy.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
And you've mentioned the part, yes, yes, they're actually I
think your point is absolutely right that when you challenge
yourself to step up in this way, there is it's more,
there's more payoff than if there was no conflict at all. Right,
there there's actually like, oh, I overcame a hurdle, right
because you're growing a new muscle.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
So right, And so that's why joy and happiness and
all of these words bliss what we want to call
it are they're not the traditional what people think it is, right,
And so part of this whole conversation that we want
to continue to have and we want y'all to contribute
to this too, because I really want to hear what
you have to say and your questions and insights, because
(29:20):
we love those from you is really our definition of
what happiness is. Right. It's not just winning a trophy, right.
This isn't even though we did have a generation that
was a trophy generation because everybody got one, yes, right,
but it's it's also even in hard times can you
(29:43):
find those moments as well? So that we just talked
about the joy you get from from you know, exercising
your own boundaries, the being you know, uh, the dealing
with the fear of speaking the truth, speaking a hard truth.
I also just recently watched this Crisbin We're always watch it.
(30:06):
It was a documentary I think he's done a while
back about the Robert Kennedy Junior, Robert Kennedy family, like
Esther his wife, and Si senor yes senior, and so
in fact Zanna and I were watching, we couldn't remember
all the things that had happened because it was so
long ago. Esther is now ninety five and Robert or
(30:30):
Bob died when he was forty two, so this was
a long ass time ago. And he was actually I
think was after the California primary where he won that
he was shot after that, like in an interviewer or
something like that, and they had gobs of kids, like
gobs of children, and one of the things that they
(30:51):
did as a family was that they would play touch football.
And after Robert Senior was killed, esther maintain that with
those kids, and so they would go play touch football,
even in the midst of the loss and the grief
from her husband and these gobs of children's father, and
(31:15):
they have video and they're happy. He might not be there,
but they were happy. And so finding ways even in
these in terrible times and grieving times, to always check
in with yourself finding ways and that was healthy joy, right,
playing touch football. You can't honestly find a healthier way
(31:37):
for a family to connect, right, Because they were having fun,
all of them, and they all talked about it and
about her strength. Right. So that's another thing to think
about as you're dealing with your friends, your family and
there's tough situations, and it's not to be a distraction.
It truly is to be like, we don't have. It
(31:58):
doesn't have to weigh on us four seven. It's always
going to be.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Even if we have. Even if we have, it doesn't
have to be grief. Even if we've had a tough conversation.
What's something that you know we have shared before, and
how can we link these two? So maybe you know,
we if it's a family member, and maybe there's a
recipe that our family enjoys and we can make together
and you know or something whatever that activity would be
(32:23):
kind of see if there's a you could plan for
that to follow the tough conversation. Hey, let's go for
by cride or something, you know something or family.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
It's with red velvet cake. We're main ingredients? Was lard?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Oh, mercy, it is the old school.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Red velvet cake. Or I'm not joking and the cake
makes itself was lard? Sorry I got distracted, but that
is one of our families. You're right. I would be
out together and then I have a heart attack after
or or.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Find a way to health afid the recipe. That might
be a thing to do, but I love you so
much I took out the lard. Yeah, clearly, so you
had you brought up a number of times that you've
taken this internal assessment, and I was wondering if you
(33:13):
would share your process or part of your process, because
I think that would be helpful for people. Sometimes it's
hard to know how am I assessing myself correctly. Am
I doing this right or is this a good way?
I don't know. It's just what I've been doing. But
do you have I.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Will I have a great one, Yeah, I do. It
has to do with Suzanne and I and I've talked
about this before with hert not with other people, but
on the show. But hi, everybody, I'm going to do
that right now because I think the first thing I
always look at is the ego part of it. I
look at like, why, like my behavior? What is it
(33:50):
that I'm trying to elicit from my behavior? Is it real?
Is it true? And And it's really interesting because this
was when we were living in LA and working for Fox,
and I would come back I'm like, oh, I'm just
so tired. I worked so hard today, and I would
just kind of do this thing because it was I
don't either. I was looking for sympathy. I was looking
(34:11):
for raw, raw, thank you way to go whatever it was.
It wasn't And it also wasn't the fucking truth. I
wasn't no, I mean I was being really honest, I wasn't.
I wasn't exhausted. It was not a hardship. I loved it.
I mean there were certain days that sucked. Don't get
me wrong, because that's happened. But I think there's a
(34:33):
bit of what we do a lot of and I
found myself of like a bit of an over dramatization
as stockings that might sound to you of certain things
and events, but it was to elicit something that I
felt that I needed. And I think that is part
of the assessment that I do. And I'm going to
tell I don't do that shit anymore. You never hear
(34:54):
me say that, And I mean if I'm tired, I'm
literally on my ass tired, you know. But so it's
a little bit of I didn't I learned I didn't
need the the.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
Exterior external external thank you with external validation feeding is
the word I was going to use, but validation, yes,
And because I think people do that, I think there's
a drama.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
So I saw that myself. So I look at things
of like what side, like what part of this do
I own? And I'm very honest, like with my brother,
I did the same thing. What part of this do
I own? And part of my issue that I've had
with him at times is that my expectations were wrong,
and they were because they were my expectations, you know,
of course caring for my He had three children, children
(35:43):
when my mother was sick, and I gave him zero
credit for it, And because the most important thing that
was going on was mom was sick, because I didn't
have children to care for, I mean I had Homer.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Well, you also had a different relationship. I had very
much relationship with your mom than he had. Yes, yes,
it's just different.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
And so I think that's part of it too, which
is where where was I not given credit? I look
at that. I was also that our relationships with people
are different. It's like you would you help me so
much with that? Where it was like, oh, I was
also always supposed to be the one that like why
would it be anybody else but me? And then you said,
(36:27):
and if you're going to go through it with somebody,
wouldn't you rather go through it with Susanne? It's like,
of course, I would, you know. And I tell listen,
I retell that story a lot. And I retell the
story in a way of where I wasn't paying attention,
I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I pay attention to
it for and I and I retell it because I
(36:47):
found people in the same situation a lot, So that
story I tell a lot.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Yeah, our expectations are really important because they're so obvious
to us because of how we see the world. But
not everyone sees the world the way the way the
way you do. Right, We don't see the world the
way the world is. We see the world the way
we are Byron Katie has is an author and speaker
and you know, realized being. And she has a process
(37:16):
called The Work and I really think it's a great
self assessment that's really similar to what you're doing. But
if people you want just another reference to her book,
Loving What Is is super helpful. And she has four
basic questions. I kind of only think of three of
them in this moment, but it's is this true? Is
(37:37):
this absolutely true? Those are two different questions because because
it would be something like, well, my husband should do
my brother should do this? Well, is that true? No?
Well yes, because because we're you know, she was both our.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Yes he should, because she was both of our mom Yes, yeah,
no it.
Speaker 2 (38:05):
And who would you be without this thought? Right, that's
the third question. I can't remember what the fourth question is,
but you guys can look it up and let me know.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
Yeah, leave me to hang in y'all.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
But in the best way. I mean, her work is extraordinary.
And I think as we think about happiness and friends
and family and the complexity of humanity that we weave
our lives with, how to be our best version and
how to give and get the best version for ourselves
(38:41):
is really worth exploring, investing in and just taking care
of yourself in this extraordinary way. It takes a lot
of energy, a lot of consciousness, and it pays off.
And it doesn't matter if you're investing in positive or negative,
it pays off. So like, really pay attention, do.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
It right, right, right, and again that internal work of
like really asking yourself the honest question and answer yourself honestly.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
That is the time to do it.
Speaker 1 (39:11):
And take the time to do it, in the courage
to do it, because we people operate a lot of
people operate with very fragile egos and they can't they
don't want to see right and.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
So and it's really helpful if you write it down.
Don't just do it verbally, don't don't do it mentally
in your head. Write it down, get honest, and do
it like no one's watching, because that's super important too, Yes,
it is.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
It is very important. Yeah, and it does. And that's
why I thought this part of happiness, like, let's let's
let's talk about the hardest first, because I think this
is the relationships are probably the most complicated and you
can't solve it through drinking of ginger shot.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
I can't hurt though it was.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
Fabulous, But yeah, it is the hardest part. So you
know that. That because even doing the work, and then
you because I've learned and I have achieved great happiness
from actually doing that work. Because achieving it that is
also happiness. Right, Happiness isn't just being at a club
at a I mean, don't get me wrong, I do
(40:14):
love me a drag show, and that is a form
of happiness. But happiness comes in so many flavors, y'all.
And that's what we want to really get across, Like
look at the definition of it. Just because you're not
at a drag show or out with people having some
like to have cocktails, whatever it is, doesn't mean it
can't be happy, doesn't mean you can't find any other ways.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
And this exploration pays off continually, so the next engagement
you'll have this insight, you'll know how to honor yourself.
It's it's just such a payment over and over and
over back to you. So please consider play with it.
Let us know what you think. So thanks for listening everybody,
and remember our school is hard.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Oh Lord, yes, oh yes, and without the other side.
You're looking for confirmation, were you?
Speaker 2 (41:06):
Thanks everybody, Thank you for joining us. Everyone, and a
special thanks to our producer Joey Patt and our executive
producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us well. We guide you.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Hit us up on Instagram at other Side Guides, or
shoot us a note at high Hi at Vibes dot Store.
Speaker 2 (41:35):
We want to know what you think. We want to
know what you know, and we want to hear your stories.
And remember, our school is hard.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
Without the other side. Insider's Guide to the Other Side
is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.