September 25, 2025 • 30 mins
Today Leslie is answering more of your questions, this time focusing on child safety, both in the home and outside of the home. Topics include: safeguarding kids from predators, manipulation, online threats, and promoting healthy boundaries and awareness.
Hosted by Leslie Dobson. Produced by Liam Billingham. Executive producers are Paul Anderson and Scott McCarthy for Workhouse Media. The views expressed in this podcast episode are solely those of the guest speaker and do not reflect the views of the host or the production company.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Okay, you're here. Welcome back to another episode of Intentionally Disturbing.
I am doctor Leslie, forensic psychologist, and today I want
to cover more Q and A questions that came in
from my social media audience, and we are going to
break this up. We're going to break it up into
(00:30):
child safety, but child safety in the home and child
safety when you leave the home. And again, it's not
always about the children. You can apply this to yourself
as an adolescent, teenager or adult as well. So we
are going to be exploring how to safeguard our little
ones from predators, manipulation, online threats. We want to promote
(00:54):
healthy boundaries and awareness. We want to promote empowerment and
we do not want fear. And there are ways that
we can easily do this and we can teach our friends, families, kids,
everyone around us all about this. Okay, so we have
our first question from me me. Okay, Mimi, what's your question?
(01:16):
How do I keep my twelve year old granddaughter safe
when she has an iPhone? Who?
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Okay, that's it.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
I mean there's a lot of arguing that goes on
about how old should your kid be when they get
an iPhone and iPhone is very different than other phones
that have limited technology. An iPhone gives your child access
to the world, right, but then that also means that
the world has access to your child. So what I
would primarily do if it's an iPhone is understand the iCloud.
(01:48):
Understand that there can be parent accounts and that there
can be child accounts. The parents can run restrictive accounts.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
For the children.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
So you're a grandma. Maybe if there are parents involved,
you guys could have a talk about how to do this.
But I definitely would not let a twelve year old
on an unrestricted device be alone and not be aware
of what she is doing. So look into those technology
safety programs, look into BARK, look into.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
AT and T.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
There are a lot of safety network programs that you
can download on your phone and on the child's phone,
and I would also be very careful with what apps
they are downloading, pay attention to them. There are a
lot of apps like Snapchat where we have found child
predator rings, so you know, the little girl thinks she
(02:40):
is talking to another little girl it's Snapchat, or even
games like Roadblocks, WhatsApp, all of these encrypted apps where
if it goes away and it gets deleted. You can't
actually see it later, so you don't know what they
were doing. But this is where grooming and manipulation can start.
So I would limit their access to social media and
(03:03):
what apps you allow on their phone, and I would
set age restrictions as well.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
But the biggest thing is that.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
They need to understand why you're doing this. So explain
to them that the world is a dangerous place and
online friends are not real friends. Keep this conversation open.
If you can't talk to the parents because there is
some estrangement, then try and talk to the kid and
make sure you maintain a relationship that warrants that. If
(03:31):
you can't talk to the kid, maybe you can talk
to the kid's friends the kids friends' parents. But find
a way to let people understand that safety is the
priority and it's not about keeping secrets or keeping them
away from the cool kid stuff, which I hear a
lot of people complaining about a lot of adolescents complaining about. Okay,
(03:52):
next question, what can I do in my thirteen year
old is sneaky and lying even though she's in there
And this is from at brittany Ooh, that is a
difficult question. Now she's thirteen, So in most states you
have access to her therapy records and you can speak
to her therapist. And I think that is a perfect
(04:12):
question for her therapist because you just you don't know
what's happening in the therapeutic room unless you sit down
and understand. And I would also recommend asking for joint sessions.
So get in there with your kid and the therapist,
see what it's like, see what their relationship is like,
and inform yourself. But also you always want to tell
(04:35):
your child. You know, you can tell me anything. You
don't need to lie to me. I am your safe person,
and we will in a reasonable way recover from whatever
happened if you feel you need to lie about it.
But lying is one of the biggest things that perpetrators
use in grooming. If we can get a child to
lie to their parents, then we have time to threaten
(04:57):
the child. Then we scare the child, so then the
child never wants to come back tell the parents what's
going on because they're fearful that the parents are then
going to be harmed or they're going to be in trouble.
So keep that in mind. Okay, we're going to jump
over to Erica Henson, how do you teach tween girls
about grooming, especially in schools and sports? This is a
(05:21):
great question, and I'd have to say, you know, go
over to call her daddy, go to Alexander Cooper and
look at I mean, even her documentary where she was
sexually harassed on her soccer team, and I found her
insights to be very on point. So what she described
and what many people describe in sexual assault scenarios is grooming,
(05:46):
and grooming starts at a very young age.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Predators look for tween girls. Predators look for girls who are.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Just young enough and naive enough to believe a stranger
over their parents, So they're looking for that vulnerability. They're
also targeting girls who are maybe an online eating disorder groups.
They're in groups where they are seeking companionship, friendship, help
for some kind of mental disorder, and they are going
(06:15):
to get in there and build a relationship. Now, they
likely won't be themselves, right, They are going to act
like they are someone else, and they are going to
slowly gain information from these girls. So the information may
not be forthcoming at first. It may be oh, well,
she's online at these times. That means that she's home,
(06:38):
she's not online at these times. That means maybe she's
at practice. Because she has a soccer ball in her
profile picture. So now I can find her. Now she
wears a certain polo shirt, her backpack has a symbol
on it, I can find her school.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
There's plenty, plenty of.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Ways that predators can find children. But what happens is
they start to bring the child in through complimenting them,
validating them. They are offering them gifts, They are making
the child feel safe. They are growing a safety zone
so that the child wants to enter into this relationship
(07:17):
more and more. Now I'm largely talking about this happening online,
but this can happen easily anywhere. So let's say they
have an early job. Let's say they are doing free
work at middle school setting up the cones for the
cross country team. Or let's say this is actually happening
with a coach or a teacher or someone in school.
(07:40):
You want to pay attention and tell them that if
they feel like an extra special kid, they need to
inform you if they are singled out, if they are
getting gifts, if they are getting special attention, special time,
special compliments, if they're getting more playing time, and you,
as a parent think they're.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Not that good. They shouldn't be getting that much time.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
This needs to be an open communication between you and
the tween because they are at such a point of
vulnerability where they are building their identity. They don't exactly
know who they are or what they want to be,
and so a predator is going to grab onto that
and they can manipulate that significantly. So once again, trust
(08:26):
your gut as a parent. But also you can teach
a teenager a tween to trust their gut too. Even
Alexander Cooper explained that there were times where she felt
uncomfortable and she didn't speak up because the coach had
this vibe.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
The coach let the girls know that.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Speaking up would lead to negative consequences, would lead to
certain people being silenced, would lead to less time playing.
She wouldn't be able to play soccer that she had
been working towards. So pay attention to all of this
and keep the lines of communication open. That is my
biggest tip. Okay, let's jump over to a question by
(09:08):
alex and Raymie Rick. How do we teach boys that know?
Is a complete answer, early and effectively. Oh, this is
a difficult one in a time like this, where a
misogyny is so prevalent. So I have a son I
can use him as an example. No is a complete sentence,
(09:33):
and I often say that to him. We can teach
boys that, although they may have urges that go beyond
what is reasonable in a situation, if the other person
is not wanting it, they cannot pressure someone. So focusing
on pressure and timing and allowing a boy and a
(09:54):
girl too, but allowing your son to understand that he
is is his own identity, He has his own urges,
and whatever he needs to fulfill himself is different than
other people. I think a big part of teaching our
young boys how to work in this world is encouraging
(10:14):
them to communicate. I can't tell you how many teenage
clients I have had who sit on the couch for
fifty minutes and say three words. And it's not because
they're not interesting. They have so much to say, they
want to learn so much. They don't know how to communicate.
They literally benefit from social skills training where we explain
(10:39):
to teenagers the back and forth of conversation. So you
say to a teenager, hey, how are you, and they
say good, well, they don't immediately think I should say,
and how are you? And then it becomes a conversation
and it's back and forth, and then you drop in
a moment of interest, something that may engage the person
(11:03):
further and make the conversation more fruitful. Young boys aren't
taught this, and they don't talk to each other like this,
and they are hyper focused on video games and telephones.
So taking away all of that screen time and actually
talking to your son about what no means about sexuality,
(11:25):
about how it is different for girls and boys at
certain ages. One technique I really like for any child
or tween, teenager, or really anyone, is for you to
make a list of what you think the world thinks
of you when you walk into a room. What are
ten things that you think people see. Now, let's say
(11:47):
you've known the person for a week. Now, what are
ten things that you think that person sees in you?
And I can guarantee you, depending on the age, especially teenagers,
none of it is accurate. It is what they to
be seen as, but they are not seen like that.
A young seventeen year old girl is seen as fuckable
(12:08):
by a young seventeen year old boy, and the girl
often does not understand the viewpoint of the boy. So
teaching the boy that no means no, but going way
deeper and comprehensive into that conversation is key. We'll be
(12:28):
right back after this break. Okay, we have one question
from at T T. How do I teach my six
year old to be cautious with strangers without scaring her?
I had that same question when I was six, and
I read Gavin de Becker's book. It's not called The
(12:50):
Gift of Fear, but it's the one he wrote to
explain how to protect your children. And there are elements
of that book that I really really liked, But the
one that I've used most frequently.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Is that I take my kids out.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
We go hiking, we go walking, we go to the mall,
and I ask them to pick a person to go
ask what time it is or where is this store?
Or you know, where's the bathroom? And I'm really close
to them, of course, and they're safe. So they go
and they do it, and then you know, they get
their answer and they come back and I sit down
(13:25):
with them and I say, how did you pick that person?
How was that person the safe one? What about them
made them safe? Enough to go talk to to be
vulnerable in a sense with right and then I talked
to them about all the people that they didn't pick,
and I ask them, you know, why didn't you pick
(13:45):
this person?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
What about them made.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
You feel like they were less safe? Was it your intuition?
Was it something you felt, was it some thought you had,
was it something you saw? So we just keep building
on the confidence of trusting your intuition, trusting that what
you see is the truth. That you can authentically and
(14:08):
with transparency interact with the world in a confident, empowered
and safe position because you know who you are, you
trust who others are, you trust what you see in others,
and you've got good parents who have really spent time
focusing in on that for you. I want to jump
over to some questions about safety in the home, practical
(14:31):
advice for maintaining safety in your personal environment and when
you're interacting with unfamiliar people.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
This is especially.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
For women, but for men and for.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Children as well.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
So we have a question from at Vintage Beach Chateau
nice name. I would like to be there right now
instead of in my office, but I'm doing this for
you guys, so don't forget that question. What protocols should
single women fall when contractors or repair workers come into
the house.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
That one gave me chills.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
I have had numerous sexual assault cases because the contractors
or the repair workers or the movers have sexually assaulted
individuals in the home.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Yes, it happens.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
And you are a point of vulnerability when you allow
a strange man into your home and you are alone,
especially if you are in a part of your home
that is not easily accessible and no one would hear
you scream. Yes, predators are often in these roles, and
people on parole or probation are often in jobs where
(15:41):
they can't really get hired. They're not going to have
a W nine, so they may be getting cash under
the table. So first and foremost, only have reputable companies
that you work with. Look them up, look up their licenses,
look up their business licenses, look up complaints against them.
And then when you get assigned a person who's actually
(16:01):
going to come out, look them up to and the company.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Should be able to tell you this.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
If they don't fuck them, you don't need that company.
You know, we have AT and T guys coming out,
We have frontier guys coming out to the office.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
How do you know that they're safe?
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Check them out, check their bage, check their number, check
their employee information. You are allowed that information before they
are in your space. Now, if you don't feel confident
enough to do that, if time is pressing, then just
don't be alone, right, don't be alone in your home
when some stranger comes in. At the same time, you
(16:38):
can be on speakerphone with a friend. You can have
cameras in the house. People can be aware even if
they're not directly with you. You can let your neighbors
know that somebody's in the house. You can time somebody
popping in and checking on you. You can tell the
person my husband will be back in three minutes. You
(16:59):
can lie, lie a lot, lie a lot to make
people think that you are not alone and you are
not vulnerable. And at the same time, always carry self
protection even in your own home. You don't know the
truth behind who.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
People are who cares.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Carry pepper spray, keep a knife in your pocket, whatever
you need to do to just feel safe while there's
a stranger in your home. Like I tell every victim,
the perpetrator picked you before you saw it. No victim
knew that they were going to be victimized, So keep
(17:41):
yourself safe. When it comes to home safety, I am
big on home alarms. I am big on using the alarms.
I'm big on cameras that look at all aspects of
the house and the yard and the street and the neighbors.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
I really like Google's.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Monitoring system, and I like that you can set it
to a person with a package. You can set it
to friendly faces, you can set it to focus on
animal movement, or you can take all of those away.
Because you want to save the battery life and you
want to save your Wi Fi a little bit.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
So get a.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
System that you are comfortable with and you know how
to operate. I highly suggest that you get panic buttons.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Now.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Oftentimes they're small little remotes, and if you hit two
of the buttons on the remote at the same time,
panic alarms sound in your house.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
They're very inexpensive.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
They can be linked to ADT lots of different alarm companies,
and what happens is they immediately call or they immediately
access nine to one one, So you hide in a bathroom,
you go somewhere safe. You have these panic alarms set
all around your house. All you have to do is
press those two buttons and they know exactly what to do.
(18:52):
They know who to come and find. Now, I also
have on my house speakers that will send out the
alarm sound into the neighborhood. So it goes beyond that
of you know, when you're cooking in your kitchen, you
set your smoke alarm off, which I do like every
single week. Now that smoke alarm noise. Who It's gonna
(19:15):
go down three blocks and people will hear it. Yes,
you can do that. It's a type of a siren system.
But every alarm company has somebody you can work with
to figure out what is best for your need. And
just please do not underestimate the potential for violence when
you're home alone. Don't answer the door. I don't care.
(19:36):
Who cares if you're not answering the door.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Who cares?
Speaker 1 (19:39):
If a Jehovah's witness is on the other side and
they don't get to give you their little watchtower guide?
Who cares?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Who cares?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
If you can't sign for the package and they won't
leave it and you have to go pick it up
from ups another day. Safety is your priority, and strangers
are not your friends. Strangers are the ones who have
the potential to hurt you the most. Okay, we have
a good question from Sally, and Sally asks what do
you do about guns?
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Now?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
I am assuming, Sally, you're asking about guns in your home,
keeping them safe, But my mind immediately goes to guns
in other people's homes. And if your child is in
somebody else's home. This is where I tell parents all
the time. To find your voice and even if it
is uncomfortable and intrusive, ask the other parents, do you
(20:32):
have weapons in the home. If you have guns, where
do you keep them? Are they loaded? Are they in
fingerprint detection safes? How safe are they? And even though
your children may understand guns, other ones may not, so
be really cautious. And it's perfectly okay for you to
(20:54):
get those answers from parents. And if parents aren't willing
to answer questions about what they're doing with guns in
their homes, are they licensed, do they have a CCW?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Get your kid the fuck out of their house. I
don't care.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
There's no secrets around my child. I will do anything
to protect my child. And if you aren't going to
be forthcoming about the potential dangers.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
In your home, my kid ain't staying in.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
Your home period. Now, in my home we have guns.
The guns are all in safes, The safes are charged,
these safes are hidden. They are all opened by my
fingerprint or my husband's fingerprint, so there's no numerical code
that a kid can figure out.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Now, they do have a key for.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Emergencies, which I have hid, and it is thoroughly hidden.
So even my daughter, who can unlock anything, is not
going to be able to find the key. And I
am very forthcoming with that with the parents too. Another
conversation I have is around swimming pools, around knives in
the home, around medication in the home.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
I want to make sure.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
That in my home and in a home my child
is going to that there is no potential for danger,
and if there is any potential, like a swimming pool,
I want to make sure that they're safe. So, for example,
it's perfectly okay to ask someone, hey, you have a
swimming pool. What do you plan on doing today? Are
you going to watch the children? Do you plan on
(22:20):
drinking alcohol during the day. If you do drink, how
much are you going to drink? Do you usually pass
out during the day? Do you do drugs? All of
these questions are so important, and if you don't know
these answers and you don't trust these parents, don't let
your children go over there. If you want to host
something or meet at a joint place like a park,
(22:42):
go for it, or have people over to your house,
because you know that you're looking into safety. You would
be very surprised by how few parents really care, how
few parents really think.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
About this stuff.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
I have had numerous calls with CP. Yes, I have
had to deal with so many parents who have lost
custody because of CPS. Finding out things that have happened
like parents passing out and kids walking down the street,
parents passing out and kids falling in the lake or
(23:18):
the river, and some of the worst have been the
ending of lives of some of their siblings even more horrible,
or when kids have come over and they've passed away
at someone else's house. And of course the terrifying moments
of when a child finds a gun and uses it
(23:39):
against themselves or a friend. It's a mistake, they don't
know what they're doing. But these are all preventable moments,
and we can feel empowered to be on the same
page that we brought our children into the world that
we love our fucking children and we want to keep
them safe, and I don't want to be around any
(24:00):
adults who don't feel the same way as me.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
My kid is not going to have a friend who
has parents who don't care about safety, and I will
happily explain that to my child inappropriate age related language. Now,
this is also followed up in school. So if your
kid is around a kid you don't want to associate
with because of their parents, this is a conversation for
(24:28):
the teacher. This is a conversation for the principle. Everyone
can be very aware of the dynamics of these situations.
And we don't want to have massive group parties in
the classroom. We don't want to push relationships. You can
have your child sit at a different table. You can
have plans during a party so that you don't have
to bring your child to a home that is unsafe.
(24:50):
But I say all this because I just want to
remind you that your voice, your intuition, your gut is
so much more important than hopeing everything's gonna be okay.
We're going to take a quick break and we'll be
right back. Now, I know there's a lot of controversy
with this next question. So we have a question from
(25:13):
Betty and it is about sleepovers. At what age do
you allow sleepovers? My answer, never, sorry, never, My kids
will never sleep over at anyone's house. As someone who
has specialized in sleep treatments, in cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia,
(25:33):
there is such a range of sleep disorders. This is
one reason I don't let my kids sleep at other
people's houses. Adults have night terrors, Adults sleep walk. Adults
are fucking weird. We all know that I'm weird, You're weird.
And children sleepwalk. Children have night terrors. When a child
sleeps in a different room or a different environment, it
(25:54):
alters their sleep cycle and they will do weird things sometimes.
So that's just unsafe to me all together, and I
want to prevent that. But even more so, the most
common type of child abuse is molestation, and it happens
in the home, your own home, or a family member
or a close friend's home. It happens from not only
(26:17):
the adult but other children. So when are you most vulnerable, Well,
you're most vulnerable when you're asleep. Do you want your
child in a vulnerable position away from you? Where you
cannot protect them and they get molested, sexually assaulted. Is
it worth that sleepover? I have never once spoken to
(26:41):
an adult who said I'm still mad at my parents
they wouldn't let me sleep over. No, every single adult,
and I welcome your feedback, every single adult has said
I am so glad my parents never let me sleep
over because I never got sexually assaulted and I never
had to work through that when I have seen other
(27:02):
people around me work through that and their pain and
their struggle through their entire fucking lives. Because sexual abuse
does not go away in our mind, in our body,
in our emotions. Ever, it becomes a piece of who
you are because it is such a violent, disturbing and
distressing act. Okay, so why are we talking about all
(27:25):
of this. I'm not trying to fear monger. I'm trying
to empower you. And you can be empowered through education,
but more so, you can be empowered through trusting your intuition,
trusting your gut. And the more you focus on that,
you will find words to describe that quicker and easier,
and you will use those words before you allow your
(27:47):
child to be in a situation that you're not comfortable
with before you allow yourself to answer the door when
it's a stranger and you're alone at home. So what
we have to do is think about this, all of
these situations.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
We need to practice.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Them in our mind.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
We need to remind.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Ourselves that we are strong. We can do anything, we really,
really fucking can. We are unstoppable as humans, especially as women.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
But we are often in.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
A society that gaslights us, that breaks down our confidence.
There is a great deal of misogyny. We are still
fighting to find our voice, and.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
People like to bully.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
People like to bully the individuals who stand out, individuals
who ask questions, individuals who want to be authentic, who
yearn for transparency. And so you have to keep reminding
yourself that even if I stand alone in these questions,
they are important. They are important to me, they are
(28:51):
important to my child. I am modeling this behavior to
my child to be strong and to protect him or herself.
I wrote a little book on this, basically, how to
trust your intuition and get rid of energy Vampires. I
also have this on my website. It's a free little
game where you can put like little images of people
(29:14):
around that drain your energy or increase your energy, and
it's displayed through a cup of rose wine. So if
there's more wine, then you're choosing those interactions around you better.
So check out my website because it's kind of a
fun thing to do. But thank you again for tuning
in to Intentionally Disturbing and listening and learning and being
(29:39):
open to maybe trying things a little different, trying new
things and listening to new things. I will be back
with another Q and A because we have so many
questions coming in, but for now, I want to thank
you and I'll catch you next time. Intentionally Disturbing is
a podcast from me, Doctor Leslie. It's distributed by IHEARTMDIA.
(30:06):
Liam Billingham is the senior producer and he also edits
the show and puts up with my shit. Katie Cobbs
does the social media and she attempts to keep me
in my lane, not always successful.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
The executive producers.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
Are Paul Anderson and Scott McCarthy for Workhouse Media, who
have told me not to text them twenty four to seven,
but you know what, I'm still the boss. Thanks again
for listening. We'll see you next week for more Intentionally Disturbing.
Okay, you're here. Welcome back to another episode of Intentionally Disturbing.
I am doctor Leslie, forensic psychologist, and today I want
to cover more Q and A questions that came in
from my social media audience, and we are going to
break this up. We're going to break it up into
(00:30):
child safety, but child safety in the home and child
safety when you leave the home. And again, it's not
always about the children. You can apply this to yourself
as an adolescent, teenager or adult as well. So we
are going to be exploring how to safeguard our little
ones from predators, manipulation, online threats. We want to promote
(00:54):
healthy boundaries and awareness. We want to promote empowerment and
we do not want fear. And there are ways that
we can easily do this and we can teach our friends, families, kids,
everyone around us all about this. Okay, so we have
our first question from me me. Okay, Mimi, what's your question?
(01:16):
How do I keep my twelve year old granddaughter safe
when she has an iPhone? Who?
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Okay, that's it.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
I mean there's a lot of arguing that goes on
about how old should your kid be when they get
an iPhone and iPhone is very different than other phones
that have limited technology. An iPhone gives your child access
to the world, right, but then that also means that
the world has access to your child. So what I
would primarily do if it's an iPhone is understand the iCloud.
(01:48):
Understand that there can be parent accounts and that there
can be child accounts. The parents can run restrictive accounts.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
For the children.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
So you're a grandma. Maybe if there are parents involved,
you guys could have a talk about how to do this.
But I definitely would not let a twelve year old
on an unrestricted device be alone and not be aware
of what she is doing. So look into those technology
safety programs, look into BARK, look into.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
AT and T.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
There are a lot of safety network programs that you
can download on your phone and on the child's phone,
and I would also be very careful with what apps
they are downloading, pay attention to them. There are a
lot of apps like Snapchat where we have found child
predator rings, so you know, the little girl thinks she
(02:40):
is talking to another little girl it's Snapchat, or even
games like Roadblocks, WhatsApp, all of these encrypted apps where
if it goes away and it gets deleted. You can't
actually see it later, so you don't know what they
were doing. But this is where grooming and manipulation can start.
So I would limit their access to social media and
(03:03):
what apps you allow on their phone, and I would
set age restrictions as well.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
But the biggest thing is that.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
They need to understand why you're doing this. So explain
to them that the world is a dangerous place and
online friends are not real friends. Keep this conversation open.
If you can't talk to the parents because there is
some estrangement, then try and talk to the kid and
make sure you maintain a relationship that warrants that. If
(03:31):
you can't talk to the kid, maybe you can talk
to the kid's friends the kids friends' parents. But find
a way to let people understand that safety is the
priority and it's not about keeping secrets or keeping them
away from the cool kid stuff, which I hear a
lot of people complaining about a lot of adolescents complaining about. Okay,
(03:52):
next question, what can I do in my thirteen year
old is sneaky and lying even though she's in there
And this is from at brittany Ooh, that is a
difficult question. Now she's thirteen, So in most states you
have access to her therapy records and you can speak
to her therapist. And I think that is a perfect
(04:12):
question for her therapist because you just you don't know
what's happening in the therapeutic room unless you sit down
and understand. And I would also recommend asking for joint sessions.
So get in there with your kid and the therapist,
see what it's like, see what their relationship is like,
and inform yourself. But also you always want to tell
(04:35):
your child. You know, you can tell me anything. You
don't need to lie to me. I am your safe person,
and we will in a reasonable way recover from whatever
happened if you feel you need to lie about it.
But lying is one of the biggest things that perpetrators
use in grooming. If we can get a child to
lie to their parents, then we have time to threaten
(04:57):
the child. Then we scare the child, so then the
child never wants to come back tell the parents what's
going on because they're fearful that the parents are then
going to be harmed or they're going to be in trouble.
So keep that in mind. Okay, we're going to jump
over to Erica Henson, how do you teach tween girls
about grooming, especially in schools and sports? This is a
(05:21):
great question, and I'd have to say, you know, go
over to call her daddy, go to Alexander Cooper and
look at I mean, even her documentary where she was
sexually harassed on her soccer team, and I found her
insights to be very on point. So what she described
and what many people describe in sexual assault scenarios is grooming,
(05:46):
and grooming starts at a very young age.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Predators look for tween girls. Predators look for girls who are.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Just young enough and naive enough to believe a stranger
over their parents, So they're looking for that vulnerability. They're
also targeting girls who are maybe an online eating disorder groups.
They're in groups where they are seeking companionship, friendship, help
for some kind of mental disorder, and they are going
(06:15):
to get in there and build a relationship. Now, they
likely won't be themselves, right, They are going to act
like they are someone else, and they are going to
slowly gain information from these girls. So the information may
not be forthcoming at first. It may be oh, well,
she's online at these times. That means that she's home,
(06:38):
she's not online at these times. That means maybe she's
at practice. Because she has a soccer ball in her
profile picture. So now I can find her. Now she
wears a certain polo shirt, her backpack has a symbol
on it, I can find her school.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
There's plenty, plenty of.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Ways that predators can find children. But what happens is
they start to bring the child in through complimenting them,
validating them. They are offering them gifts, They are making
the child feel safe. They are growing a safety zone
so that the child wants to enter into this relationship
(07:17):
more and more. Now I'm largely talking about this happening online,
but this can happen easily anywhere. So let's say they
have an early job. Let's say they are doing free
work at middle school setting up the cones for the
cross country team. Or let's say this is actually happening
with a coach or a teacher or someone in school.
(07:40):
You want to pay attention and tell them that if
they feel like an extra special kid, they need to
inform you if they are singled out, if they are
getting gifts, if they are getting special attention, special time,
special compliments, if they're getting more playing time, and you,
as a parent think they're.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Not that good. They shouldn't be getting that much time.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
This needs to be an open communication between you and
the tween because they are at such a point of
vulnerability where they are building their identity. They don't exactly
know who they are or what they want to be,
and so a predator is going to grab onto that
and they can manipulate that significantly. So once again, trust
(08:26):
your gut as a parent. But also you can teach
a teenager a tween to trust their gut too. Even
Alexander Cooper explained that there were times where she felt
uncomfortable and she didn't speak up because the coach had
this vibe.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
The coach let the girls know that.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Speaking up would lead to negative consequences, would lead to
certain people being silenced, would lead to less time playing.
She wouldn't be able to play soccer that she had
been working towards. So pay attention to all of this
and keep the lines of communication open. That is my
biggest tip. Okay, let's jump over to a question by
(09:08):
alex and Raymie Rick. How do we teach boys that know?
Is a complete answer, early and effectively. Oh, this is
a difficult one in a time like this, where a
misogyny is so prevalent. So I have a son I
can use him as an example. No is a complete sentence,
(09:33):
and I often say that to him. We can teach
boys that, although they may have urges that go beyond
what is reasonable in a situation, if the other person
is not wanting it, they cannot pressure someone. So focusing
on pressure and timing and allowing a boy and a
(09:54):
girl too, but allowing your son to understand that he
is is his own identity, He has his own urges,
and whatever he needs to fulfill himself is different than
other people. I think a big part of teaching our
young boys how to work in this world is encouraging
(10:14):
them to communicate. I can't tell you how many teenage
clients I have had who sit on the couch for
fifty minutes and say three words. And it's not because
they're not interesting. They have so much to say, they
want to learn so much. They don't know how to communicate.
They literally benefit from social skills training where we explain
(10:39):
to teenagers the back and forth of conversation. So you
say to a teenager, hey, how are you, and they
say good, well, they don't immediately think I should say,
and how are you? And then it becomes a conversation
and it's back and forth, and then you drop in
a moment of interest, something that may engage the person
(11:03):
further and make the conversation more fruitful. Young boys aren't
taught this, and they don't talk to each other like this,
and they are hyper focused on video games and telephones.
So taking away all of that screen time and actually
talking to your son about what no means about sexuality,
(11:25):
about how it is different for girls and boys at
certain ages. One technique I really like for any child
or tween, teenager, or really anyone, is for you to
make a list of what you think the world thinks
of you when you walk into a room. What are
ten things that you think people see. Now, let's say
(11:47):
you've known the person for a week. Now, what are
ten things that you think that person sees in you?
And I can guarantee you, depending on the age, especially teenagers,
none of it is accurate. It is what they to
be seen as, but they are not seen like that.
A young seventeen year old girl is seen as fuckable
(12:08):
by a young seventeen year old boy, and the girl
often does not understand the viewpoint of the boy. So
teaching the boy that no means no, but going way
deeper and comprehensive into that conversation is key. We'll be
(12:28):
right back after this break. Okay, we have one question
from at T T. How do I teach my six
year old to be cautious with strangers without scaring her?
I had that same question when I was six, and
I read Gavin de Becker's book. It's not called The
(12:50):
Gift of Fear, but it's the one he wrote to
explain how to protect your children. And there are elements
of that book that I really really liked, But the
one that I've used most frequently.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Is that I take my kids out.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
We go hiking, we go walking, we go to the mall,
and I ask them to pick a person to go
ask what time it is or where is this store?
Or you know, where's the bathroom? And I'm really close
to them, of course, and they're safe. So they go
and they do it, and then you know, they get
their answer and they come back and I sit down
(13:25):
with them and I say, how did you pick that person?
How was that person the safe one? What about them
made them safe? Enough to go talk to to be
vulnerable in a sense with right and then I talked
to them about all the people that they didn't pick,
and I ask them, you know, why didn't you pick
(13:45):
this person?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
What about them made.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
You feel like they were less safe? Was it your intuition?
Was it something you felt, was it some thought you had,
was it something you saw? So we just keep building
on the confidence of trusting your intuition, trusting that what
you see is the truth. That you can authentically and
(14:08):
with transparency interact with the world in a confident, empowered
and safe position because you know who you are, you
trust who others are, you trust what you see in others,
and you've got good parents who have really spent time
focusing in on that for you. I want to jump
over to some questions about safety in the home, practical
(14:31):
advice for maintaining safety in your personal environment and when
you're interacting with unfamiliar people.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
This is especially.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
For women, but for men and for.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Children as well.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
So we have a question from at Vintage Beach Chateau
nice name. I would like to be there right now
instead of in my office, but I'm doing this for
you guys, so don't forget that question. What protocols should
single women fall when contractors or repair workers come into
the house.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
That one gave me chills.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
I have had numerous sexual assault cases because the contractors
or the repair workers or the movers have sexually assaulted
individuals in the home.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Yes, it happens.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
And you are a point of vulnerability when you allow
a strange man into your home and you are alone,
especially if you are in a part of your home
that is not easily accessible and no one would hear
you scream. Yes, predators are often in these roles, and
people on parole or probation are often in jobs where
(15:41):
they can't really get hired. They're not going to have
a W nine, so they may be getting cash under
the table. So first and foremost, only have reputable companies
that you work with. Look them up, look up their licenses,
look up their business licenses, look up complaints against them.
And then when you get assigned a person who's actually
(16:01):
going to come out, look them up to and the company.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Should be able to tell you this.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
If they don't fuck them, you don't need that company.
You know, we have AT and T guys coming out,
We have frontier guys coming out to the office.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
How do you know that they're safe?
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Check them out, check their bage, check their number, check
their employee information. You are allowed that information before they
are in your space. Now, if you don't feel confident
enough to do that, if time is pressing, then just
don't be alone, right, don't be alone in your home
when some stranger comes in. At the same time, you
(16:38):
can be on speakerphone with a friend. You can have
cameras in the house. People can be aware even if
they're not directly with you. You can let your neighbors
know that somebody's in the house. You can time somebody
popping in and checking on you. You can tell the
person my husband will be back in three minutes. You
(16:59):
can lie, lie a lot, lie a lot to make
people think that you are not alone and you are
not vulnerable. And at the same time, always carry self
protection even in your own home. You don't know the
truth behind who.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
People are who cares.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Carry pepper spray, keep a knife in your pocket, whatever
you need to do to just feel safe while there's
a stranger in your home. Like I tell every victim,
the perpetrator picked you before you saw it. No victim
knew that they were going to be victimized, So keep
(17:41):
yourself safe. When it comes to home safety, I am
big on home alarms. I am big on using the alarms.
I'm big on cameras that look at all aspects of
the house and the yard and the street and the neighbors.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
I really like Google's.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Monitoring system, and I like that you can set it
to a person with a package. You can set it
to friendly faces, you can set it to focus on
animal movement, or you can take all of those away.
Because you want to save the battery life and you
want to save your Wi Fi a little bit.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
So get a.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
System that you are comfortable with and you know how
to operate. I highly suggest that you get panic buttons.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Now.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Oftentimes they're small little remotes, and if you hit two
of the buttons on the remote at the same time,
panic alarms sound in your house.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
They're very inexpensive.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
They can be linked to ADT lots of different alarm companies,
and what happens is they immediately call or they immediately
access nine to one one, So you hide in a bathroom,
you go somewhere safe. You have these panic alarms set
all around your house. All you have to do is
press those two buttons and they know exactly what to do.
(18:52):
They know who to come and find. Now, I also
have on my house speakers that will send out the
alarm sound into the neighborhood. So it goes beyond that
of you know, when you're cooking in your kitchen, you
set your smoke alarm off, which I do like every
single week. Now that smoke alarm noise. Who It's gonna
(19:15):
go down three blocks and people will hear it. Yes,
you can do that. It's a type of a siren system.
But every alarm company has somebody you can work with
to figure out what is best for your need. And
just please do not underestimate the potential for violence when
you're home alone. Don't answer the door. I don't care.
(19:36):
Who cares if you're not answering the door.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Who cares?
Speaker 1 (19:39):
If a Jehovah's witness is on the other side and
they don't get to give you their little watchtower guide?
Who cares?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Who cares?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
If you can't sign for the package and they won't
leave it and you have to go pick it up
from ups another day. Safety is your priority, and strangers
are not your friends. Strangers are the ones who have
the potential to hurt you the most. Okay, we have
a good question from Sally, and Sally asks what do
you do about guns?
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Now?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
I am assuming, Sally, you're asking about guns in your home,
keeping them safe, But my mind immediately goes to guns
in other people's homes. And if your child is in
somebody else's home. This is where I tell parents all
the time. To find your voice and even if it
is uncomfortable and intrusive, ask the other parents, do you
(20:32):
have weapons in the home. If you have guns, where
do you keep them? Are they loaded? Are they in
fingerprint detection safes? How safe are they? And even though
your children may understand guns, other ones may not, so
be really cautious. And it's perfectly okay for you to
(20:54):
get those answers from parents. And if parents aren't willing
to answer questions about what they're doing with guns in
their homes, are they licensed, do they have a CCW?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Get your kid the fuck out of their house. I
don't care.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
There's no secrets around my child. I will do anything
to protect my child. And if you aren't going to
be forthcoming about the potential dangers.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
In your home, my kid ain't staying in.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
Your home period. Now, in my home we have guns.
The guns are all in safes, The safes are charged,
these safes are hidden. They are all opened by my
fingerprint or my husband's fingerprint, so there's no numerical code
that a kid can figure out.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Now, they do have a key for.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Emergencies, which I have hid, and it is thoroughly hidden.
So even my daughter, who can unlock anything, is not
going to be able to find the key. And I
am very forthcoming with that with the parents too. Another
conversation I have is around swimming pools, around knives in
the home, around medication in the home.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
I want to make sure.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
That in my home and in a home my child
is going to that there is no potential for danger,
and if there is any potential, like a swimming pool,
I want to make sure that they're safe. So, for example,
it's perfectly okay to ask someone, hey, you have a
swimming pool. What do you plan on doing today? Are
you going to watch the children? Do you plan on
(22:20):
drinking alcohol during the day. If you do drink, how
much are you going to drink? Do you usually pass
out during the day? Do you do drugs? All of
these questions are so important, and if you don't know
these answers and you don't trust these parents, don't let
your children go over there. If you want to host
something or meet at a joint place like a park,
(22:42):
go for it, or have people over to your house,
because you know that you're looking into safety. You would
be very surprised by how few parents really care, how
few parents really think.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
About this stuff.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
I have had numerous calls with CP. Yes, I have
had to deal with so many parents who have lost
custody because of CPS. Finding out things that have happened
like parents passing out and kids walking down the street,
parents passing out and kids falling in the lake or
(23:18):
the river, and some of the worst have been the
ending of lives of some of their siblings even more horrible,
or when kids have come over and they've passed away
at someone else's house. And of course the terrifying moments
of when a child finds a gun and uses it
(23:39):
against themselves or a friend. It's a mistake, they don't
know what they're doing. But these are all preventable moments,
and we can feel empowered to be on the same
page that we brought our children into the world that
we love our fucking children and we want to keep
them safe, and I don't want to be around any
(24:00):
adults who don't feel the same way as me.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
My kid is not going to have a friend who
has parents who don't care about safety, and I will
happily explain that to my child inappropriate age related language. Now,
this is also followed up in school. So if your
kid is around a kid you don't want to associate
with because of their parents, this is a conversation for
(24:28):
the teacher. This is a conversation for the principle. Everyone
can be very aware of the dynamics of these situations.
And we don't want to have massive group parties in
the classroom. We don't want to push relationships. You can
have your child sit at a different table. You can
have plans during a party so that you don't have
to bring your child to a home that is unsafe.
(24:50):
But I say all this because I just want to
remind you that your voice, your intuition, your gut is
so much more important than hopeing everything's gonna be okay.
We're going to take a quick break and we'll be
right back. Now, I know there's a lot of controversy
with this next question. So we have a question from
(25:13):
Betty and it is about sleepovers. At what age do
you allow sleepovers? My answer, never, sorry, never, My kids
will never sleep over at anyone's house. As someone who
has specialized in sleep treatments, in cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia,
(25:33):
there is such a range of sleep disorders. This is
one reason I don't let my kids sleep at other
people's houses. Adults have night terrors, Adults sleep walk. Adults
are fucking weird. We all know that I'm weird, You're weird.
And children sleepwalk. Children have night terrors. When a child
sleeps in a different room or a different environment, it
(25:54):
alters their sleep cycle and they will do weird things sometimes.
So that's just unsafe to me all together, and I
want to prevent that. But even more so, the most
common type of child abuse is molestation, and it happens
in the home, your own home, or a family member
or a close friend's home. It happens from not only
(26:17):
the adult but other children. So when are you most vulnerable, Well,
you're most vulnerable when you're asleep. Do you want your
child in a vulnerable position away from you? Where you
cannot protect them and they get molested, sexually assaulted. Is
it worth that sleepover? I have never once spoken to
(26:41):
an adult who said I'm still mad at my parents
they wouldn't let me sleep over. No, every single adult,
and I welcome your feedback, every single adult has said
I am so glad my parents never let me sleep
over because I never got sexually assaulted and I never
had to work through that when I have seen other
(27:02):
people around me work through that and their pain and
their struggle through their entire fucking lives. Because sexual abuse
does not go away in our mind, in our body,
in our emotions. Ever, it becomes a piece of who
you are because it is such a violent, disturbing and
distressing act. Okay, so why are we talking about all
(27:25):
of this. I'm not trying to fear monger. I'm trying
to empower you. And you can be empowered through education,
but more so, you can be empowered through trusting your intuition,
trusting your gut. And the more you focus on that,
you will find words to describe that quicker and easier,
and you will use those words before you allow your
(27:47):
child to be in a situation that you're not comfortable
with before you allow yourself to answer the door when
it's a stranger and you're alone at home. So what
we have to do is think about this, all of
these situations.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
We need to practice.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Them in our mind.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
We need to remind.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Ourselves that we are strong. We can do anything, we really,
really fucking can. We are unstoppable as humans, especially as women.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
But we are often in.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
A society that gaslights us, that breaks down our confidence.
There is a great deal of misogyny. We are still
fighting to find our voice, and.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
People like to bully.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
People like to bully the individuals who stand out, individuals
who ask questions, individuals who want to be authentic, who
yearn for transparency. And so you have to keep reminding
yourself that even if I stand alone in these questions,
they are important. They are important to me, they are
(28:51):
important to my child. I am modeling this behavior to
my child to be strong and to protect him or herself.
I wrote a little book on this, basically, how to
trust your intuition and get rid of energy Vampires. I
also have this on my website. It's a free little
game where you can put like little images of people
(29:14):
around that drain your energy or increase your energy, and
it's displayed through a cup of rose wine. So if
there's more wine, then you're choosing those interactions around you better.
So check out my website because it's kind of a
fun thing to do. But thank you again for tuning
in to Intentionally Disturbing and listening and learning and being
(29:39):
open to maybe trying things a little different, trying new
things and listening to new things. I will be back
with another Q and A because we have so many
questions coming in, but for now, I want to thank
you and I'll catch you next time. Intentionally Disturbing is
a podcast from me, Doctor Leslie. It's distributed by IHEARTMDIA.
(30:06):
Liam Billingham is the senior producer and he also edits
the show and puts up with my shit. Katie Cobbs
does the social media and she attempts to keep me
in my lane, not always successful.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
The executive producers.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
Are Paul Anderson and Scott McCarthy for Workhouse Media, who
have told me not to text them twenty four to seven,
but you know what, I'm still the boss. Thanks again
for listening. We'll see you next week for more Intentionally Disturbing.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.