March 17, 2021 • 55 mins
The past year of isolation and social distancing has changed the way we relate to solitude. The absence of touch, separation from loved ones, and lack of fellowship and intimacy have presented many challenges. We can be lonely when we're alone, but we can also be lonely when we're surrounded by people or in intimate relationships. On the other hand, we can crave more alone time. Aja, Jill, and Laiya consider the role that loneliness has played in their lives, how important it is to do self-work, and honoring the need for stillness.
Resources:
In the Wake: On Blackness and Being by Christina Sharpe
Poems on Various Subjects, Religious and Moral by Phillis Wheatley
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Jay Dot in a production of I Heart Radiers.
What's up everybody? It is a fine day, a fine
dame bed. We are here on this hell podcast, this
j dot il podcast Business, and we're gonna talk about
(00:27):
some things. Who is the we? The we is Ajar
Gragan and and Jill's got We're talking about loneliness. I've
heard many, many times before that successful women are particularly lonely.
Ship you're already going there, already, all right, jahead, all right,
(00:49):
She's just gonna go right from the art, like the
what is that as an African American woman? Um, particularly
when you've got it going on and you've a accomplished
the things that you want in this life, most of
us end up dying alone. That's like it's like a
(01:11):
moment of sacrifice. What to do because that's what people
act like. It's like if you want this or you
want that, but you can't have them all. Who says
the man? Damn you man, damn you the man? And
maybe looking at Oprah and Gael, I don't know. So
(01:33):
you're trying to tell me that in order to be
with somebody and and be successful, I have to what
I have to have a woman, or you can't have
a man, or yeah, or right when you were talking
about earlier, is a is a real thing. It's so funny.
One of my girlfriends had this realization the other day.
And she just got a major promotion and it's now
(01:54):
like the executive Suite and like, you know, TV World,
And she was like, and I was talking to my
boss was a black woman, and her and his girlfriends,
and I just realized that all of them are single. Single, yeah,
and which is not let me be clear, which is
not the worst thing in the world to be single
if you're happy about it. But if you're not, if
(02:17):
you want to have somebody, if you want to be
with somebody married, I suppose it makes it really hard
to do both be successful and hamp Okay, let's look.
Let's see Denzel Washington and his wife. They've been together forever. Okay,
let's see I'm trying to think a couple. Yeah, but
see Okay, but dive into that. Though. While Denzel has
(02:40):
has has reached his levels of platinum success, I'm sure
Pauletta made a sacrifice in the sense of the family.
And you see what I'm saying, right, I mean, I
think a lot of it has to I think it
gets a little harder though, when the relationship has to
be initiated after the woman has had a certain amount
of us because if if the relationship has to exist
(03:05):
in the same kind of universe as the woman's success,
then it kind of opens up all these other implications like, well,
how does that make that man feel? How do other
people perceive him? How do other people perceive her? It's
all kinds of different ways that other people will judge,
and then those things will take root in how the
(03:25):
two people see themselves and x y Z. I do
think that I see some of this stuff beginning to
come up to the surface that may be different for
the women that are coming after. Oh, I hope. So
I just think what I've observed from some younger married
couples and their desire to build together that is not
(03:48):
built on the woman making herself small so that the
guy can succeed country there's this whole thing, right, So yeah,
so I think there's a I think there's a thing
where they're starting to see that as problematic and going
into it with that part of the conversation being said
in the very beginning, Hey, I want to be successful.
(04:09):
I'm on the pathway to that. That's the trajectory of
my life. So let's talk about it, Like, how are
we going to use each other's strengths to move forward? Applause,
applause to the next generation of women that can see
where we might be, you know, failing that's what they're
supposed to that that's what you're supposed to do. Bless you. Yeah.
The the problem is that obviously we are all, you know,
(04:31):
in a certain age group, and the men that we
come in contact with their products of that generation, and
some of them have just not evolved to that place yet.
Like listen for this podcast. Just be clear, I'm I
really don't have any intentions on telling other people's business.
I'll share some of mine. You ain't gonna know everything
because I I just won't, uh, just won't. But I
(04:55):
will say that success, I don't know if it was
necessarily success. With my first marriage, the only one that
I actually count, it is true, that's the only one
that I count. We were doing really great and then
success came along and I had other priorities too, and
(05:19):
it was hard to build something. I don't know. Maybe
I'm not saying that it was his fault or my fault.
I'm just saying that circumstances and us all of a
sudden coming from you know, not much two way more
was uncomfortable and it all seemed on my shoulders at
(05:45):
the time. Yeah, Like Lie and I we talked about this,
you know, every every couple of months, you know, so
it's not new to either of us. But that success
was getting hard. I know. I'm us now side that
(06:10):
you can't listen to other people about your relationship. You
just gotta let them have the relationship they have with
your ship and just just step out, just let them
at name a moment and they'd be like, all right,
Nick is by like that's all right. We're looking at
y'all like I remember, yeah, But it's so cool that
(06:33):
you guys are good friends. That's right there. That's that's
the thing. That is the thing is that the idea
of being human with each other and and having friendship.
I think that takes also the edge off of loneliness
to a degree because that having quality relationships in your life,
you kind of know what you want and what you
(06:54):
don't want. And if you have really strong relationships in
your life with men and women, you don't have to
be trying to find something in a person a mate
that you don't already possess. It's like you're able to
see and and differentiate between what is a requirement and
what is just something that's feeding a need or making
me not lonely in the moment. So that's just my
(07:16):
assumption about that. But I do think that I when
I see women pick a beautiful relationship, it comes out
of that knowing that security of that, Hey, I know
what good friendship is. I know what a good relationship is,
and I'm only gonna choose according to what falls in
line with that. And then sometimes my fucker's just what up, Yo,
That's what I want for you, And selfishly that's all
(07:39):
I want for you. I want you to be with
somebody that you enjoy. But you know who you are,
so you know what you want and you know what
you enjoy and who was gonna build with you and
not be afraid of success. That is not me implying
as I was afraid of it. It just was very
(08:02):
hard for the two of us to have to deal
with that. We were so used to us and how
we did things and how we liked things, and then
everything changed, and in reality, we were we were freshly married,
so it just kind of threw us for a loop.
And then I was and then I was alone, and
(08:23):
then I was alone, married and alone, and that also
married and married and alone, and that definitely producing terrible decisions, terrible.
It's so interesting that we're talking about loneliness and I
was just thinking, even though I'm the same way, but
how we tend to like lean on our romantic relationship
(08:44):
as like solutions for our loneliness. And I was like,
is there a way that like your friendship can really
be and do we really want It's so it's just
so interesting to me. I'm like, we tend to just
go to the romantic side because even if you have
a beautiful friendship, it seems that's not going to be
how you want to build a life forever, but you
still need that romantic I mean, the reality is that
(09:08):
there's lots of folks that are single, and even if
they want to have a relationship with somebody, sometimes they
just don't. And I think it would be unfair to
ever present that life as being some life of lack,
you know what I mean? It just is just a
life that which being single and having any prospects to
(09:28):
make that the definition of loneliness. So I think it's
really important what Jill said about that being married and lonely,
that that's the real thing. Being in a home full
of people. I've been there and feeling lonely, or being
around a crowd of people and feeling lonely is possible
because you want to shift that kind of narrative that
says that a woman who is single with with no
(09:50):
man or no relationship and no children or something like
that is just by definition a person who may be lonely.
And I don't I don't want to buy into that
part of it. You on. I mean, some women aren't
gonna lie to you. I see some women and that
I know want to have a relationship, but they want
a quality relationship, and they are very specific that that
(10:13):
they will never enter into anything that doesn't elevate the
already beautiful life that they are living. So that I
know some single women who are absolutely in that space.
They're not shunning relationships. They're not saying I don't want nobody,
They're not saying any of that. They're not even suggesting
that people who are married are miserable. Because I hate
(10:34):
that to like, get over there. We're not but they're
just saying, listen, I know what I want. I haven't
found it yet. In the meantime, I'm about to have
a fucking blast and when I find that person, good
if I don't meet a bitch in Bali. Okay. I
(10:56):
think that is the mentality right there, because I've seen
and I noticed a lot of successful women are are
really upset about the fact that they don't have what
they thought they were going to have a partner in life, partner,
and upset it the way that society makes them feel
like something must be wrong with them, like oh, well, yeah,
(11:17):
you know that's the default. Yeah, but it's it's interested
in that age because at the same time, I think
still most are like but I still would prefer to
be able to share this life with someone and of
course well not of course, yes that I see that.
I definitely see that. Who does it People want to
find someone whom they can share life and love and
(11:39):
experiences with. I mean, yes, absolutely, And I haven't fear
of that as a black woman because I just I
feel like I know too many black women that are
my mom's age and my Grandmam's age that the last
twenty thirty years of their life it was even though
and not to say it was lonely the whole time,
but getting still, man, you know, sometimes it's nice just
to have a partner in a way, so but does
it have to be permanent partner. It's like, I just
(12:02):
get harder as you get older, even if it's not.
But go ahead, I'm sorry, this is true. This is true.
Like my mentor, she made it real plain to me.
She's very successful, her children are adults, they're successful. And
she says she did love. Don't know her anything. She's
had enough of it and she's just fine. God, that's
(12:23):
a something goalie about that feeling. I'm not got something
about it. I'm envious. I said, do you think you'll
ever get married again? And she's like for what she
was like, why would I want that? I get up
when I want to, I work when I feel like it.
I don't have to explain myself to anybody or make allowances.
(12:44):
I don't have to apologize for anything. I do what
I want when I want, how I want. And I
don't see any better way to live. And you know,
she said, I had a husband and that's over and
I don't want another one, and she blew my whole my,
oh my, how old is this woman? She's got to
(13:06):
be about seventy two now, mm hmmm mm hmmm. I
mean I remember my mom and her friends having similar conversations,
like it's nice to Like I said, does it really
have to be permanent? Can it be? Oh, this is
someone I like to hang out with sometimes, YadA, YadA, YadA,
But I don't really need to be in a permanent relationship.
(13:28):
As I get to have more older women around me
and their sixties and seventies, this is what I continue
to hear, you know. But that's but not not in
a way to make men feel like they are disposable
or anything like that. I think that there are a
lot of men that feel this way too. There are
some I just the right though. A just a lot
(13:49):
of women have a third at that. I'm just like,
I'm over the sex thing. I just really feel like
there should be a service if you want your feet up.
I mean, not not just that, but if you want
you know, a little happy ending, you know. I just
think that that's fair. I think that that women should
have these things that and it shouldn't be, you know,
(14:13):
a stigma attached to calling a service where you can
get your feet rubbed in a nice pop off before
you go to slate. Yeah, I think that's fair. I
think it's especially for successful women. Well, I think I
(14:33):
think poor women should have access to Yes, ma'am. I
think be able to have a little pop off at
the end of her shift, like hold that fair enough?
Slide and scale, slide and scale scale. You're putting this
out there, but this is this is actually a really
great idea, you said, Joe, I know that before. I
don't know what we call this. I don't know. I
(14:54):
just I just don't want anybody to go to jail
for such a good thing. You know, this is a
good quality, a service that could be provided and started
in Vegas where the laws are a little lighter. Listen,
look at Atlanta. What is it like eighteen to one girl.
It's a whole bunch of women Atlanta. D C. I
(15:16):
tell all my boys, I'm like, you know, you meet
him and your marryam and d C. Honey, that's lucky
for y'all, and easily catch six or seven more if
you want to. Just yes, we don't it's just funny
because we don't have what are our cities? What are
the cities? Eight black women need to go out here?
(15:36):
Where are they even make a list to they even
make lists like that for black women. They don't make
lists for black women any dag on the way. We
gotta thumb through our own, you know, networks to find
these things out. Well, that's why I created True Voice.
So I'm trying to make a list of places and
(15:57):
things and stuff for black women so we can find
are what we want. What about Portland's I think there's
a lot of black men in Portland that are I
think there are. I'm not gonna go with a lot,
not you, but there are some black men in Portland
that just just they're just they're just a little oaky.
They don't know what to do. That's all. You just
(16:21):
gotta we just gotta take a both vacation right quick.
You forgive me. I'm you know, I'm from the from
the East Coast. I'm fully as we all are. I'm
just saying, there you go, the granola and the birken
stocks and the peace of mind and the wonderful marijuana. Yes,
you can always put some lotion on them. Ash she asked,
knees and ankles and pull them into the world, which
(16:44):
I can feel all the I can feel all the
emails from the black men in Portland coming in right now,
I can hear it. I can hear the email coming in.
We'll be back after the break. Let me say this
(17:06):
about me and loneliness. Okay. I used to think that
I could help somebody get to the other side. Does
that make sense to anybody. I used to think that
I can help a man get to the other side. Like, oh,
we just you know, just like for me, I didn't
know what uh duck laurnge was until I had duck laurrange.
You know. I didn't know about Senegalese food until I went,
(17:31):
you know, and and and found a place in Paris
and like like you like, like look at this, try this.
But but if you don't find someone, I've learned that
you just cannot share with everybody. Some people are not
prepared for it. Some people don't even want it. They
(17:51):
don't deserve Some people don't deserve it. Come on, come on,
some people don't deserve. That is what it is. And
the intention is good, the idea sounds right, but it's
just it's the same as finding a mentor or mentee
for that matter. You you can lead the horse to water,
(18:14):
but you cannot make them drink. And yeah, if you're
lonely and you find somebody, my biggest suggestion to you
is take as someone who is married for fifteen months once,
take your slow molasses as time before you jump into
(18:40):
anything with anybody, especially as a woman. If you're more
successful and you've got more to lose. M b b
b b b B, be careful because there's a different
generation and a different breed of males out here. Yeah.
I didn't. I didn't think this was real until I
(19:03):
knew it was real. You expanded my broke mind. I'm
like girl to teach me because I don't plan on
stand here. So you know, I just need to thank
you for preparing me. You know, I mean you we
think we know how well I knew I was. I
guess I thought I knew how men operate. But there's
a different breed now. So you have to mind that loneliness. Yeah,
(19:26):
I mean, you really have to mind that thing and
be on top of it, because you can't let the
loneliness drive you to a place that will definitely not
benefit your life. I just mean in the arms of
the wrong motherfucker at some point that takes like a
(19:47):
little bit of reevaluation, but themselves too, though I feel
like that only that's what I was saying about loneliness, Like,
I don't think it's always too about another person. Some
part of it is you too, because at some point
you also need to feel comfortable with yourself, right like so,
because being with somebody else is not gonna make it
better whatever is wrong with you, even if you're in
(20:10):
a relationship, there's lots of things that can cause that
same feeling of being isolated, you know what I mean,
That same isolation not being able to connect because there's
loneliness in the sense of that there's no one else around,
and that the reality of that, the reality of maybe
you haven't been like you said, your feet haven't been rubbed, do,
you haven't been hugged or even just touched. You haven't
(20:30):
even had no one put their hand on your shoulder
or wake you up or anything like that. So there
is that kind of experience with their loneliness. But then
there's also, you know, ways to feel lonely and isolated
when you're you are not single. I mean not to
be obvious like, uh, let me try him for the
people who are single, but you know, I don't you
(20:53):
know what I'm saying that not not to come across
like that, but just because I know that that's a
real thing. And particularly when you are going to therapy,
if you're in a relationship with someone or married or partnered,
it's like, and you go to therapy to start fixing
your own stuff, it's a real easy way to start
(21:14):
feeling super isolated and lonely because you're starting, you're you're
you're evolving, you're evolving sometimes at a rapid pace, and
your mate isn't and that communication and connectedness that makes
the partnership work is interrupted, and a lot of people
don't recover from that, you know. And then any kind
(21:37):
of change in life, like losing your job or losing
a parent, because obviously gott been through that part of
it too, So it's like all of those different emotions
and things where you need to kind of rely on partnership.
Partnership can sometimes maybe not even be an asset in
that moment. Sometimes it can actually be the rock around
your neck, like goodness, good night, this person can't see
me or hear me. Yeah, I'm laughing at what you
(22:00):
just said. And I'm laughing, but it's not really funny
because it's also like, well, right now, during these times,
these are the most loneliest times of most of our lives.
So and all those things are happening, you know what
I mean, Like people are realizing that this ain't that
I can't I can't live with him, I can't live
with him and hud no more. You know, people are
like it's a time of high stulice that I was
(22:22):
just reading the Time magazine article about it, like it's
just such a it's a lonely time. Yeah. Not having
access to touch, well that means so baby. And I'm
not talking about sex, yeah, I'm not saying I'm talking
about yeah, just on your skin, not having access to touch.
(22:43):
The first time I saw a family member during the quarantine,
when I couldn't put my arms around them, it was
like a real grieving process behind that. It was like, women,
I can't touch you, and that was very odd. And
then to take that experience and magnify it, I think
I'm sure that it takes loneliness up a thousand notches.
(23:04):
It's like old. Wait a minute, I'm I'm alone, and
how how do you deal with that? So you're seeing
a lot of people do things and find new hobbies.
And I've been seeing tons of people bike riding, yoga.
I don't seen more yoga on the good people's internets
in the past six months and I've seen in six years. Yeah,
(23:25):
people are really trying to find ways to cope, you
know what I'm saying, and not find themselves in a
ditch where they can't get out. I know, for me
and my household is there are a couple of like
real contracts. One is, my husband has to get out
of the house. He's not a person who likes to
be indoors a lot, so he has to get out
of the house. So he has an office. He goes
(23:46):
his office every day, he gets up in the morning,
like he goes and it is not a problem. I'm
actually thrilled that he has it. Some of my contracts aren't. Hey,
I gotta have a lone time. When I say my
office I wars are over, I'm trying to tell y'all,
y'all be hanging out that window like Big Red. Don't
play with me. My office hours are are done for
(24:09):
the day. But more than anything is the connection part.
So having the option to connect is also, I understand,
a huge privilege because if you don't even have the
option to connect when you're ready to, that can be devastating. Yeah,
it's got a lot of health issues. Two I think
we said that, but yeah, like chronic pain, how we
(24:33):
feel in our head and heart and our spirit really
does affect our bodies. So you know, you're already paranoid
about what's going on with this quarantine and catching something
that could possibly kill you if you're alone, that just
makes things so much worse. It makes it so much
(24:53):
harder to deal with, and your body starts to ache.
And I know, I thought I had COVID. I don't
know about set damn so far. I was like, I
got a headache. I got a headache, you know what
I mean? Like I keep you coughing in a public
spaces is like a whole new meaning these days, Like
and being outside inside your mask is lonely too. Yeah,
(25:18):
because you having that physical separation from others, that that
visual and physical separation from other people, it just it
really intensifies it. I ain't gonna lie to you, guys,
having and let me ask you, both having had parents,
how do you think your parents are experienced in this time?
Both of you have parents who are not married and
(25:40):
let alone at their age, Like, how are they experiencing
this and how they're dealing with their loneliness? Have they
talked to you all about it or anything like that?
You know, it's funny. I always say, well, my equation
is similar to most kids, Like my dad has a
girlfriend and my mom is single, and so you know,
for my dad, he's he's always like baby, I'm just
so glad we have face time, you know. But as
(26:01):
you guys know, I went home for a month a
couple of days ago, and that was the first time
I had hugged them in months. And like me and
my mom have had many conversations about the loneliness and
what the future looks like for her being in the
House of Skies, and you know, at the same time,
I was there for a mom, so I also got
to see that she's trying. She's on these these apps
she's trying to me to do. You know, it was
(26:23):
one he might be a little bit too, too militant,
but you know, it's just it's it's an interesting conversation.
And like I said, it's somewhat of a fear of mine.
And I pray every day, not for nothing. I prayed
every day in my prayers for my mom to to
find a companion in life. M hm um. I can't
imagine if Joy Salas had somebody. I don't even know.
(26:45):
She doesn't currently, but she she does him. He's two
damn dogs. And when I tell you, she cooks for
them every day, Yeah, she cooks their food. She has
been doing this for years. My mom other is a
wonderful caregiver when it comes to people and animals. She
talked to me not too long ago about she's also
(27:08):
like a touch healer. But she's got her homies where
she is. And we're about twenty good minutes away from
each other, maybe twenty Yeah, so I just far enough
and just close enough. That's that's notual. Maybe about a
good forty I'm a double at good forty minutes, So
that's that's that's just so it's a little bit of
(27:30):
a trip. But it's cool because when you get there,
I know I'm staying, you know, I'm hanging out. So
she's okay. She has her moments and I can always
tell because then she's shopping. Yeah. See, it's funny. I
want to say again, I totally know that women at
a certain age coming all different kinds of flavors, attitudes,
(27:51):
and taste, and so I understand that. But I do
understand that I'm probably gonna be much like my mother.
In the SIPs that me and my boythen were just
talking about this. He has a mother who's single as well,
and his father is married, and I was like, how
is she doing? Is she lonely? You know? He was like,
she's got this dog, you know, she good. And I'm like,
but Kareema, me and my mama, we're still they're a
sexual type of people. So you know, I just know
(28:13):
that like a pet ankle, the fur baby is not
gonna get It's just like, that's just more responsibility and
somebody I got to stay home for, yeah, and get
home for. But isn't it interesting how the sun sees
it one way? In the door. Yeah, the sun is
not thinking like, oh my bab might need I don't know,
a man, you don't even don't even want to think
(28:35):
of it like that. They don't even want to think.
And we have those conversations. I don't want to think
of my mom like that. I'm like, but like a
human to her happiness. Yeah, that was tied into her happiness. Sir, sir,
don't you want somebody to play with your stuff? Right?
Whatever made I'm with, I let him know. Listen, this
(28:57):
is what I'm gonna be when I'm sixty seventy two.
This is what I play, and so all the way
into ain't no quitting. Yes, they got some pills for that. Yeah,
they got some drinking drinks a long. When I'm done,
you could be done to have this? What is a yangling?
(29:19):
What is it? Um? What's the beer? No? No, no,
I know yngling is a beer. But yangling is supposed
to help you know that that strong bull? What is that?
I know what you're talking about. I didn't know what
I'm saying, but okay, yeah, if I'm not mistaken, it's
(29:40):
a yngling that's supposed to keep that thing. We are
so how we always end up coming back to sex,
And I'm not mad at that. This is a human
condition people. I personally am very out of myself because
(30:02):
we are half more than halfway through this podcast and
I have not found a way to blame loneliness on
white supremacy. So person, well, let's look let's look at that,
let's look back. Okay, So you could say that white
supremacy is responsible for the COVID been in quarantine as long,
(30:22):
and therefore it has something to do with why everybody
is so lonely and dealing with loneliness right now to
this extent. Well, that's fair enough. You could also say that,
let's look at the seventies with the welfare system and
not being able to have a man in your house
at all, not being able to have a man or
(30:45):
visit in order to feed your children or keep your
lights on. That is that's a very very major major
part of our history. Women and who are lonely. Yes,
m m, yeah, come on in there. Let's blame this
(31:06):
white man, make him accountable for his deeds. I only
laugh because it's uncomfortable. That's the that's the only reason
I laugh. I just need you to understand that. It's
because it's uncomfortable to have to put a name, or
not even a name, but a face to a problem.
But when you look at our issues and our problems,
(31:28):
so much of it, so so much of it goes
back to where we are and how how the society
is running and to what agents. Yeah, I mean, that
isn't the reason that a lot of our mamas and
mamas are single. I'm convinsed, but you know that's whatever.
Oh yeah, and even down to the whole idea of
(31:49):
what it takes to be successful and how women we
have to grind so hard and so much, and that
we don't have time to take to be social, to
time to interact with one another, to have quality time
with other people, and social time enough with other people
in order to build those kinds of relationships, and the
ways in which certain doors are closed to black men
(32:12):
and women, you know, and let's just keep it real.
They underpaying us anyway, so if they can get some
brilliance at a discount, they're gonna take it right, So
trust and believe that we're dealing with. It's a backhanded
opportunity for black women. It's like, yeah, you had this job,
(32:35):
but but you're gonna get forty two cents on the dollar,
and I'm gonna need you to work alonger than thes
eight hours and you can't and you can't act like
this job, this job ain't the most important thing in
the world to you. Oh you have kids, Forshonda. I
didn't even know that. I ain't know that. Wow, that's something.
(32:59):
Do they all have the same father? Really? That's fascinating. Wow, fascinating.
That's so Toshanda. This is like the third funeral you've
gone to. I've never been to one another funeral. Rashonda. Sure, people,
(33:20):
take care of yourself. Oh God, I love you, Rashonda. Okay,
shout out to Rashonda. We have your back, Rashonda right
here on Jay dot il. Okay, more conversation after this break. Listen,
(33:49):
how do we combat this thing? How do we combat loneliness?
So many ways this yoga thing is helpful, and it
also moves the body and sadness. Just like with cancer,
staying positive is really really important when dealing with illness. Anyway,
you already know that our emotions just like with plants.
(34:09):
Just just like with plans, you speak negatively to a plant,
it's going to wither. You speak positively and and say nice, creative,
interesting things, and the thing will grow. It is the
same with our bodies, feeding it positivity. That's why, Jill,
I just want to add, even though I'm not consistent,
I am an advocate of meditation. I'm trying to be better,
(34:29):
be better with me. Hey, this is what it's all about.
We're all trying to be better. I wish I wish
I would sit somewhere and talk about, Oh, I got
it all together. I know how to think. I don't know.
I'm trying to know. I'm trying to do better. And
I think that's you know, while we're here, We're all
in this thing together, trying to be better human beings,
trying to be stronger for the next generation and stronger
(34:50):
for ourselves. Come on, somebody, amen. Amen. One thing that
I think has helped me in the past with loneliness
is being really clear and getting to know myself what
it is I need and what it is I like
who I am, because it's sad. I know. You get
to your forties and you realize, damn, I've lived this
long and may not all the way know myself, and
(35:13):
that realization is kind of a lot, you know, But
once you start asking yourself that question, you realize, oh,
I do know myself. I just have impressed myself to
make that the priority. I've not centered myself in the conversation.
So I think loneliness. In terms of how I've dealt
with it is getting to know myself a lot better.
I'm comfortable with myself. I know what I need. When
(35:34):
I need interaction, I know how to ask for it,
and when I want to interact, I know how I
want to interact. And the big conversation in the past
couple of years, at least I hear it almost at
nauseum is love languages and people knowing what their love languages,
and how they interact and how they need to interact
and when they don't feel like interacting, and all those things.
(35:55):
Making sure you have those boundaries, speaking up where you
need to. All of that. It comes with the confidence
of dealing with your stuff, getting to know yourself, and
honoring yourself. It's all the self work. Unfortunately, it all
kind of keeps coming back to the self work. It is, though,
and it's not selfish. It's not selfish to do the
(36:16):
self work. It's the It's funny because as the Asian
was given like the whole it's funny, always called the
intellectual version of I was thinking to myself literally, like
all these things that you should be doing, but you
just did this whole intellectual like translation of things, because
I was like, well, you know, not for nothing, folks,
like people are breaking their backs to make content for
you at the end of the day, you know, learn
(36:37):
something new on your computer for yourself, like spend some
more time with yourself. Read this book that you said
you was gonna read and you still haven't read it.
Check on that friend that you've been saying for the
last year. I wonder how they're doing all these things
that are part of like everything that Asia said in
a really smart way, but this is why, and even
(36:58):
a one more thing instead of to my I was
very insistant. She turned seventy for her birthday and she
was like, I do not want to drive by zoom
birthday party. So even in that way be creative. We
did a drink by. We were like, you know what,
y'all come back for thirty to forty five minute infrements
and then roll the freak out in our backyard, like
let's just try to think bigger and you know, I
just I just think what you want? What do you want,
(37:19):
what do you like? What are you into? And if
you can't think of anything, go look for it. See
if you can find something that you like. I think
I would like making pottery. I think I would dig
that right, you know the YouTube show that Jill. But
that means I got to go by the clay and
the stuff, all the stuff. I don't know if I
(37:41):
like it yet. I need to try first, call him
anything you need. I think I would like playing the
hard I've been trying to figure out what I've been
playing with these fingers for years. I don't know, but
it might be a magical invisible harp. Give it a try.
Why not? I want to say this real quick thing too,
(38:03):
about some of the options that we have really do
come along with a few of the privileges that we enjoy,
you know, just have an access, you know. And a
friend of mine told me once that poverty is about
the most instances, is about not being able to have
any time. Time is a privilege. Having time is a privilege.
And and many of us, many of us, many black
(38:26):
women in this country and women of color, just have
a very difficult time even having the time to do
something new. Everything is in survival mode. Everything is I
have to go to work, I can't stay home. I
don't have to I don't have this, and the stress
levels are like very very high. And so I just
(38:48):
want us to remember because I realized that even though
obviously we have all experienced times of leanness, there is
a privilege in this conversation of the three of us,
the three of us do have as and it's too
many people who just don't and they can't solve their
loneliness by going to a yoga class because they can't
(39:08):
afford a yoga class. Because because here's the gag. If you,
if you have the privilege to be able to sit
here and listen to me and Asian Jail right now,
then you might be able to do some of these
other things too. Because yeah, and just to be clear,
while while you're you know, cleaning the kitchen or whatever
(39:30):
you're doing, listening to this podcast, just because you amassed
a certain amount of success depending on what you're thinking,
it is. My days as as an actor, sometimes there
are seventeen hour days, and I would say more often
than not, um fortunately, and that means there's a very
(39:51):
very short amount of time in between tomorrow and getting home,
taking a shower, getting your makeup off, learning your new lines,
are going over your lines, and getting to bed, and
then you're writing up and and early the next day
and the whole thing starts all over again. You normally
work on a Faturday, which is it starts on Friday
(40:14):
and it ends on Saturday morning, and that means Saturday
is done. So you're exhausted most of Saturday. You have
Saturday evening and you have Sunday. But you got to
get ready and learn all the lines that you need
to know for for Monday, Tuesday, Wesy, Thursday, Friday, because
you don't want to wait till the last minute and
not know your lines, because that is horrible and turmoil
(40:39):
in turn, and you can't be showing up as a
black woman unprepared, over prepared high And I've had that
happen where I was just like, I'm so tired. I
just don't know. But what I did do in order
to keep the sanity that I had is on the
(41:00):
ride too set, I was like, how long is it?
How long is the ride today? Sometimes ride will be
an hour and a half. Praise God. That means I
get a little bit of a nap, And it also
means that I get to listen to some music and breathe.
Listen to some music and breathe, Like just trying to
(41:21):
find the space in the midst of it all to
take some deep breaths. That's helpful. That's helpful. You know.
If you can have somebody come and visit and knock
the cobwebs off the thing, that's nice too, you know.
But but they gotta go because you have you got
(41:42):
you got things to do. I get it. I get it.
The working time doesn't change. I was watching a video
yesterday and or earlier today, and the sky was talking
about how really is about intentional living. It's not that
you have like tons of time, but it's also this
is how you're spending your So if you're doing something
that it has no intention, it has an intention behind
(42:04):
it where it's like like if you want to scroll
social media and you have a reason for why you're
doing that, you're like because I enjoy it, or because
I want to do or because I want to check
in on some things or whatever. It's like, yeah, okay, great.
Bottom line is that everything. If you can start to
look at your life in this way where it's like
I'm doing things for this intentional reason and I'm being
intentional about that, it can help to give you a
(42:26):
lot more peace of mind. And it's interesting because I
have teenagers, tons of them now, Like almost all the
kids are teenagers except for I got one that's twenty
one and one that's ten, so they're kind of out
of the teenager e space, but in the middle four teenagers.
And one thing about teenagers is that they are most
definitely always going through some sort of you know, on
(42:48):
somewhere on that spectrum of am I depressed them, I
have anxiety and my this and my dad you know,
da da da da, there's somewhere on there almost all
of the time, some sort of way and helping them
to say, Okay, yeah, today you might be lonely, today
you might be sad, or today you might be have anxiety.
What is your intentional choice in this moment so that
(43:11):
you can address that. No, that doesn't mean that you
won't feel it at all, But what is your response?
What are you being intentional about? What is that gonna
give you? How is that going to feed you? And
if you can practice doing that at this age and
when you get older, you're not as at risk to
go under because of it. That doesn't mean that the
(43:32):
feelings will not be there, and it doesn't mean that
because you choose to do something else and somehow the
thought of it will not still be there. You may
not still feel this way, but you're keeping that body going.
You're making intentional choices in order to address how you're feeling.
And UM, I'm no therapist or anything like that, obviously,
I'm just saying what the conversations I'm having at home
(43:53):
with my young people, and how that has also helped
me to hold myself to the same standard because will
be havevior? Are we modeling then for them? So that
that has helped to keep me honest, particularly about this issue.
I think it's like facing the ugly if you will,
like facing what is it that that you're feeling? Like
(44:15):
you just said, aga like having our our young people
and I'm throwing it out to the elders too, to
face what is this? What is this precise loneliness? It's
like questioning what's going on? Are you? Are you just horny?
Because that's different. Do you want somebody to talk to
(44:37):
and what kind of conversation are you really interested in having?
The what of the what? What is the what of
the what? Because you know you have some girlfriends that
you call and you know they're gonna make you laugh.
That's all. They're gonna make you laugh. They're not gonna
tell you anything too deep, it's not gonna get too heavy,
but they are going to make you laugh fun. Some
(44:58):
friends are gonna help you cry. And then of course
there's those brilliant minds that just inspire you to, you know,
write a novel or get your your bank account in order,
whatever the case may be. You have to be specific.
I think this is what agent just said, being specific
to your needs. What are you looking for? And that
(45:19):
again goes with knowing who you are and being okay
to see the ugly parts. What what's what's what's what's missing?
But what is it? Exactly? This is because let me
tell you something, that is the honest conversation. That first
honest conversation you have with yourself is like breaking out
(45:40):
of chains, like that first time you really say out loud,
like what is really really bothering you? What is really
fucking with you too? Underneath the bones of the bones.
I never forget that. It's when I started praying out
loud or talking out loud to myself and talking to
God out loud. I do it all the time now
(46:01):
because I need to name the thing. I don't have
time for the letting all that stuff float around in
my head. I'm like, you know what, I don't like
doing this, guy, I don't like this. I don't like it.
I don't like it because it don't feel right or
I don't want to talk to that person. And when
I'm say the words out of my mouth, it makes
(46:22):
me understand what is the why of the why. I've
taken to saying no thank you out loud to private thoughts.
Nobody else can hear what I was just thinking, but
you'll hear me all over this house. And Jet my
son is taken to that as well. No thank you, no,
no thank you, like I'm not. I'm not. I'm honoring
(46:44):
these thoughts. I just don't want them. I don't want that.
I don't want to have nothing to do with that
negative energy that It's been a practice for a long
time and I don't you know, Hey, look, somebody really
might think I'm nuts, but I and explain what I'm doing.
No thank you. I watched the movie The Ship scared
(47:04):
me and now I'm in here hearing everything and maybe
something is it here. I don't know, no thank you,
and I'm a turnal way, go to sleep. I said no,
thank you, And it's so that's it, because yes, because
we're nothing more powerful than that voice in your head,
you better learn how to talk to that voice in
your head. And it's soundwha saying that I rebuke you.
(47:25):
Rebuke you, Yeah, rebuke it too, whatever has to happen.
I'm yeah that too. I'm just saying, like, okay, I
recognize I'm not trying to say that I have any
Rebuke is a good way. That's such a good word.
You know what I else? I like? I like buying.
Buying is a good word to find you. Come on,
(47:49):
you're so nasty. I'm sorry. Was I not appused to
take it that way? Because of course you would. You
said it. I didn't say bind. Yes, old black church
words a church words are everything, and it is also
the word from craft. I bind you from doing harm
(48:14):
to yourself and harm to others. I bind you from
doing hard. That's right, Come on, bind bind. But I'm
seriously don't know, seriously isolation and loneliness, yes, thinking about
our folks and our ancestors and what what they must
(48:37):
have felt. My God is sobering too. You know you're
away from your people, your family. You were just with
them yesterday. Now you're surrounded by people who don't speak
your language. You don't know. They look like you, but
they're from different areas, different tribes. Just in Butuana alone,
if I'm not mistaken, if there's over forty languages just
(48:58):
in that's one country. Yeah, I mean we're talking about
an entire continent. You've just been roaming around, snatching folks up,
putting them all in one ship. Like h I cannot
imagine knowing, uh. A mother leaving her babies, a man
leaving his family and his wife his parents. M hm.
(49:23):
I learned last week we're talking about Phyllis Wheatley and
about how she's a for those of y'all don't know,
she's a poet and a writer. And Phyllis Wheatley arrived
in America on a slave ship, and the slave ship's
name was Phyllis. She was named for the ship that
(49:46):
she came on. And when she arrived in America, she
arrived alone. She was six years old, alone and was
sold off of a boat alone, and then named for
the boat. And I think to myself, how do you
(50:12):
how do you shake that? How do you say alive.
How do you you know? And and it reminds me
and pulls me back into that thinking about who we
are and what we have survived through, but also saying
that we have to give ourselves that space and that
(50:33):
moment of compassion and care that we weren't able to
take for our ancestors. Our ancestors won't be able to
take that, so we take it for them. We take
that moment of rest and in our loneliness and our
we acknowledge our feelings and and not try to just survive.
(50:56):
Because we have that ability, we're able to have this
discussion and outside of just survival because Phyllis Weekly survived,
because these children came here alone and survived, because they
survived the deep isolation and loneliness and fear and anger
and confusion that comes along with the experience that we've
(51:17):
had all over the world, not just here in America,
but all over the world outside of our home countries
and so our home concident. So I think by honoring
it and talking about it and staying and feeling these
moments of weakness and and along with the strength that
it says we're human beings, it reclaims the humanity again.
(51:40):
So I just want us all to not fear claiming
our humanity. And if we are lonely, if we are sad,
if we are dealing in that place, that it's okay
to name it and say so. It's not weak, it's
not weakness, and we're not forever strong. We are people
and human beings, and that people really did die and
suffer from all to put generations not ever being able
(52:02):
to give themselves that space to just feel m m.
This is a poem by Nikki Giovanni. It's called I'm
not lonely. I'm not lonely sleeping all alone. You think
(52:26):
I'm scared, but I'm a big girl. I don't cry
or anything. I have a great big bed to roll
around and and lots of space. And I don't dream
bad dreams like I used to have that you were
leaving me anymore. Now that you're gone, I don't dream.
And no matter what you think, I'm not lonely sleeping
(52:47):
all alone. How do you eat an elephant? One by tie?
(53:17):
So we've reached the end of another episode, and that
means that it's time for me Eaves the producer, to
give you some resources. Aja recommends following the black Yogi
hashtag on Instagram as a source of insight on wellness,
self care, and solitude. She also mentioned love languages in
this episode, which are a concept that came from the
(53:38):
book The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That
Last by Gary Chapman, and Last, but never Least is
Phyllis Wheatley, the first black person in the US to
publish a book of poetry. Aja read about Phyllis Wheatley
in the book In the Wake on Blackness and Being
by Christina Sharp. You can find links for all of
these resources in the episode just option. Thank you so
(54:05):
much everybody for listening. Peace, Thank you for listening to
Jill Scott Presents j dot il the Podcast. This podcast
(54:31):
is hosted by Jill Scott, Laias st Clair, and Aga
Graden Danceler. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g
and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Lias st Clair and
me Eve Jeff Cope. The editing and sound design for
this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. The poem I'm
Not Lonely It's from the collected poetry of Nikki Giovanni
(54:53):
Copyright Compilation two thousand and three by Nikki Giovanni, used
by permission of Harper Collins Publishers. I like when my
husband fall asleep at the office. He'd be like, I'm
so sorry, I'm tired. Good baby. God. Just later, I
stretched my whole body out like that. That is something
(55:13):
that I wonder about with me and like ever getting
married again. I'm not sure that I want to share. Yeah,
and I'm sure I want to do that. You mean
you're going to be here all the time, like there's
no nights off, Like you're gonna snore. J dot Ill
is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
(55:36):
from I Heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Jay Dot in a production of I Heart Radiers.
What's up everybody? It is a fine day, a fine
dame bed. We are here on this hell podcast, this
j dot il podcast Business, and we're gonna talk about
(00:27):
some things. Who is the we? The we is Ajar
Gragan and and Jill's got We're talking about loneliness. I've
heard many, many times before that successful women are particularly lonely.
Ship you're already going there, already, all right, jahead, all right,
(00:49):
She's just gonna go right from the art, like the
what is that as an African American woman? Um, particularly
when you've got it going on and you've a accomplished
the things that you want in this life, most of
us end up dying alone. That's like it's like a
(01:11):
moment of sacrifice. What to do because that's what people
act like. It's like if you want this or you
want that, but you can't have them all. Who says
the man? Damn you man, damn you the man? And
maybe looking at Oprah and Gael, I don't know. So
(01:33):
you're trying to tell me that in order to be
with somebody and and be successful, I have to what
I have to have a woman, or you can't have
a man, or yeah, or right when you were talking
about earlier, is a is a real thing. It's so funny.
One of my girlfriends had this realization the other day.
And she just got a major promotion and it's now
(01:54):
like the executive Suite and like, you know, TV World,
And she was like, and I was talking to my
boss was a black woman, and her and his girlfriends,
and I just realized that all of them are single. Single, yeah,
and which is not let me be clear, which is
not the worst thing in the world to be single
if you're happy about it. But if you're not, if
(02:17):
you want to have somebody, if you want to be
with somebody married, I suppose it makes it really hard
to do both be successful and hamp Okay, let's look.
Let's see Denzel Washington and his wife. They've been together forever. Okay,
let's see I'm trying to think a couple. Yeah, but
see Okay, but dive into that. Though. While Denzel has
(02:40):
has has reached his levels of platinum success, I'm sure
Pauletta made a sacrifice in the sense of the family.
And you see what I'm saying, right, I mean, I
think a lot of it has to I think it
gets a little harder though, when the relationship has to
be initiated after the woman has had a certain amount
of us because if if the relationship has to exist
(03:05):
in the same kind of universe as the woman's success,
then it kind of opens up all these other implications like, well,
how does that make that man feel? How do other
people perceive him? How do other people perceive her? It's
all kinds of different ways that other people will judge,
and then those things will take root in how the
(03:25):
two people see themselves and x y Z. I do
think that I see some of this stuff beginning to
come up to the surface that may be different for
the women that are coming after. Oh, I hope. So
I just think what I've observed from some younger married
couples and their desire to build together that is not
(03:48):
built on the woman making herself small so that the
guy can succeed country there's this whole thing, right, So yeah,
so I think there's a I think there's a thing
where they're starting to see that as problematic and going
into it with that part of the conversation being said
in the very beginning, Hey, I want to be successful.
(04:09):
I'm on the pathway to that. That's the trajectory of
my life. So let's talk about it, Like, how are
we going to use each other's strengths to move forward? Applause,
applause to the next generation of women that can see
where we might be, you know, failing that's what they're
supposed to that that's what you're supposed to do. Bless you. Yeah.
The the problem is that obviously we are all, you know,
(04:31):
in a certain age group, and the men that we
come in contact with their products of that generation, and
some of them have just not evolved to that place yet.
Like listen for this podcast. Just be clear, I'm I
really don't have any intentions on telling other people's business.
I'll share some of mine. You ain't gonna know everything
because I I just won't, uh, just won't. But I
(04:55):
will say that success, I don't know if it was
necessarily success. With my first marriage, the only one that
I actually count, it is true, that's the only one
that I count. We were doing really great and then
success came along and I had other priorities too, and
(05:19):
it was hard to build something. I don't know. Maybe
I'm not saying that it was his fault or my fault.
I'm just saying that circumstances and us all of a
sudden coming from you know, not much two way more
was uncomfortable and it all seemed on my shoulders at
(05:45):
the time. Yeah, Like Lie and I we talked about this,
you know, every every couple of months, you know, so
it's not new to either of us. But that success
was getting hard. I know. I'm us now side that
(06:10):
you can't listen to other people about your relationship. You
just gotta let them have the relationship they have with
your ship and just just step out, just let them
at name a moment and they'd be like, all right,
Nick is by like that's all right. We're looking at
y'all like I remember, yeah, But it's so cool that
(06:33):
you guys are good friends. That's right there. That's that's
the thing. That is the thing is that the idea
of being human with each other and and having friendship.
I think that takes also the edge off of loneliness
to a degree because that having quality relationships in your life,
you kind of know what you want and what you
(06:54):
don't want. And if you have really strong relationships in
your life with men and women, you don't have to
be trying to find something in a person a mate
that you don't already possess. It's like you're able to
see and and differentiate between what is a requirement and
what is just something that's feeding a need or making
me not lonely in the moment. So that's just my
(07:16):
assumption about that. But I do think that I when
I see women pick a beautiful relationship, it comes out
of that knowing that security of that, Hey, I know
what good friendship is. I know what a good relationship is,
and I'm only gonna choose according to what falls in
line with that. And then sometimes my fucker's just what up, Yo,
That's what I want for you, And selfishly that's all
(07:39):
I want for you. I want you to be with
somebody that you enjoy. But you know who you are,
so you know what you want and you know what
you enjoy and who was gonna build with you and
not be afraid of success. That is not me implying
as I was afraid of it. It just was very
(08:02):
hard for the two of us to have to deal
with that. We were so used to us and how
we did things and how we liked things, and then
everything changed, and in reality, we were we were freshly married,
so it just kind of threw us for a loop.
And then I was and then I was alone, and
(08:23):
then I was alone, married and alone, and that also
married and married and alone, and that definitely producing terrible decisions, terrible.
It's so interesting that we're talking about loneliness and I
was just thinking, even though I'm the same way, but
how we tend to like lean on our romantic relationship
(08:44):
as like solutions for our loneliness. And I was like,
is there a way that like your friendship can really
be and do we really want It's so it's just
so interesting to me. I'm like, we tend to just
go to the romantic side because even if you have
a beautiful friendship, it seems that's not going to be
how you want to build a life forever, but you
still need that romantic I mean, the reality is that
(09:08):
there's lots of folks that are single, and even if
they want to have a relationship with somebody, sometimes they
just don't. And I think it would be unfair to
ever present that life as being some life of lack,
you know what I mean? It just is just a
life that which being single and having any prospects to
(09:28):
make that the definition of loneliness. So I think it's
really important what Jill said about that being married and lonely,
that that's the real thing. Being in a home full
of people. I've been there and feeling lonely, or being
around a crowd of people and feeling lonely is possible
because you want to shift that kind of narrative that
says that a woman who is single with with no
(09:50):
man or no relationship and no children or something like
that is just by definition a person who may be lonely.
And I don't I don't want to buy into that
part of it. You on. I mean, some women aren't
gonna lie to you. I see some women and that
I know want to have a relationship, but they want
a quality relationship, and they are very specific that that
(10:13):
they will never enter into anything that doesn't elevate the
already beautiful life that they are living. So that I
know some single women who are absolutely in that space.
They're not shunning relationships. They're not saying I don't want nobody,
They're not saying any of that. They're not even suggesting
that people who are married are miserable. Because I hate
(10:34):
that to like, get over there. We're not but they're
just saying, listen, I know what I want. I haven't
found it yet. In the meantime, I'm about to have
a fucking blast and when I find that person, good
if I don't meet a bitch in Bali. Okay. I
(10:56):
think that is the mentality right there, because I've seen
and I noticed a lot of successful women are are
really upset about the fact that they don't have what
they thought they were going to have a partner in life, partner,
and upset it the way that society makes them feel
like something must be wrong with them, like oh, well, yeah,
(11:17):
you know that's the default. Yeah, but it's it's interested
in that age because at the same time, I think
still most are like but I still would prefer to
be able to share this life with someone and of
course well not of course, yes that I see that.
I definitely see that. Who does it People want to
find someone whom they can share life and love and
(11:39):
experiences with. I mean, yes, absolutely, And I haven't fear
of that as a black woman because I just I
feel like I know too many black women that are
my mom's age and my Grandmam's age that the last
twenty thirty years of their life it was even though
and not to say it was lonely the whole time,
but getting still, man, you know, sometimes it's nice just
to have a partner in a way, so but does
it have to be permanent partner. It's like, I just
(12:02):
get harder as you get older, even if it's not.
But go ahead, I'm sorry, this is true. This is true.
Like my mentor, she made it real plain to me.
She's very successful, her children are adults, they're successful. And
she says she did love. Don't know her anything. She's
had enough of it and she's just fine. God, that's
(12:23):
a something goalie about that feeling. I'm not got something
about it. I'm envious. I said, do you think you'll
ever get married again? And she's like for what she
was like, why would I want that? I get up
when I want to, I work when I feel like it.
I don't have to explain myself to anybody or make allowances.
(12:44):
I don't have to apologize for anything. I do what
I want when I want, how I want. And I
don't see any better way to live. And you know,
she said, I had a husband and that's over and
I don't want another one, and she blew my whole my,
oh my, how old is this woman? She's got to
(13:06):
be about seventy two now, mm hmmm mm hmmm. I
mean I remember my mom and her friends having similar conversations,
like it's nice to Like I said, does it really
have to be permanent? Can it be? Oh, this is
someone I like to hang out with sometimes, YadA, YadA, YadA,
But I don't really need to be in a permanent relationship.
(13:28):
As I get to have more older women around me
and their sixties and seventies, this is what I continue
to hear, you know. But that's but not not in
a way to make men feel like they are disposable
or anything like that. I think that there are a
lot of men that feel this way too. There are
some I just the right though. A just a lot
(13:49):
of women have a third at that. I'm just like,
I'm over the sex thing. I just really feel like
there should be a service if you want your feet up.
I mean, not not just that, but if you want
you know, a little happy ending, you know. I just
think that that's fair. I think that that women should
have these things that and it shouldn't be, you know,
(14:13):
a stigma attached to calling a service where you can
get your feet rubbed in a nice pop off before
you go to slate. Yeah, I think that's fair. I
think it's especially for successful women. Well, I think I
(14:33):
think poor women should have access to Yes, ma'am. I
think be able to have a little pop off at
the end of her shift, like hold that fair enough?
Slide and scale, slide and scale scale. You're putting this
out there, but this is this is actually a really
great idea, you said, Joe, I know that before. I
don't know what we call this. I don't know. I
(14:54):
just I just don't want anybody to go to jail
for such a good thing. You know, this is a
good quality, a service that could be provided and started
in Vegas where the laws are a little lighter. Listen,
look at Atlanta. What is it like eighteen to one girl.
It's a whole bunch of women Atlanta. D C. I
(15:16):
tell all my boys, I'm like, you know, you meet
him and your marryam and d C. Honey, that's lucky
for y'all, and easily catch six or seven more if
you want to. Just yes, we don't it's just funny
because we don't have what are our cities? What are
the cities? Eight black women need to go out here?
(15:36):
Where are they even make a list to they even
make lists like that for black women. They don't make
lists for black women any dag on the way. We
gotta thumb through our own, you know, networks to find
these things out. Well, that's why I created True Voice.
So I'm trying to make a list of places and
(15:57):
things and stuff for black women so we can find
are what we want. What about Portland's I think there's
a lot of black men in Portland that are I
think there are. I'm not gonna go with a lot,
not you, but there are some black men in Portland
that just just they're just they're just a little oaky.
They don't know what to do. That's all. You just
(16:21):
gotta we just gotta take a both vacation right quick.
You forgive me. I'm you know, I'm from the from
the East Coast. I'm fully as we all are. I'm
just saying, there you go, the granola and the birken
stocks and the peace of mind and the wonderful marijuana. Yes,
you can always put some lotion on them. Ash she asked,
knees and ankles and pull them into the world, which
(16:44):
I can feel all the I can feel all the
emails from the black men in Portland coming in right now,
I can hear it. I can hear the email coming in.
We'll be back after the break. Let me say this
(17:06):
about me and loneliness. Okay. I used to think that
I could help somebody get to the other side. Does
that make sense to anybody. I used to think that
I can help a man get to the other side. Like, oh,
we just you know, just like for me, I didn't
know what uh duck laurnge was until I had duck laurrange.
You know. I didn't know about Senegalese food until I went,
(17:31):
you know, and and and found a place in Paris
and like like you like, like look at this, try this.
But but if you don't find someone, I've learned that
you just cannot share with everybody. Some people are not
prepared for it. Some people don't even want it. They
(17:51):
don't deserve Some people don't deserve it. Come on, come on,
some people don't deserve. That is what it is. And
the intention is good, the idea sounds right, but it's
just it's the same as finding a mentor or mentee
for that matter. You you can lead the horse to water,
(18:14):
but you cannot make them drink. And yeah, if you're
lonely and you find somebody, my biggest suggestion to you
is take as someone who is married for fifteen months once,
take your slow molasses as time before you jump into
(18:40):
anything with anybody, especially as a woman. If you're more
successful and you've got more to lose. M b b
b b b B, be careful because there's a different
generation and a different breed of males out here. Yeah.
I didn't. I didn't think this was real until I
(19:03):
knew it was real. You expanded my broke mind. I'm
like girl to teach me because I don't plan on
stand here. So you know, I just need to thank
you for preparing me. You know, I mean you we
think we know how well I knew I was. I
guess I thought I knew how men operate. But there's
a different breed now. So you have to mind that loneliness. Yeah,
(19:26):
I mean, you really have to mind that thing and
be on top of it, because you can't let the
loneliness drive you to a place that will definitely not
benefit your life. I just mean in the arms of
the wrong motherfucker at some point that takes like a
(19:47):
little bit of reevaluation, but themselves too, though I feel
like that only that's what I was saying about loneliness, Like,
I don't think it's always too about another person. Some
part of it is you too, because at some point
you also need to feel comfortable with yourself, right like so,
because being with somebody else is not gonna make it
better whatever is wrong with you, even if you're in
(20:10):
a relationship, there's lots of things that can cause that
same feeling of being isolated, you know what I mean,
That same isolation not being able to connect because there's
loneliness in the sense of that there's no one else around,
and that the reality of that, the reality of maybe
you haven't been like you said, your feet haven't been rubbed, do,
you haven't been hugged or even just touched. You haven't
(20:30):
even had no one put their hand on your shoulder
or wake you up or anything like that. So there
is that kind of experience with their loneliness. But then
there's also, you know, ways to feel lonely and isolated
when you're you are not single. I mean not to
be obvious like, uh, let me try him for the
people who are single, but you know, I don't you
(20:53):
know what I'm saying that not not to come across
like that, but just because I know that that's a
real thing. And particularly when you are going to therapy,
if you're in a relationship with someone or married or partnered,
it's like, and you go to therapy to start fixing
your own stuff, it's a real easy way to start
(21:14):
feeling super isolated and lonely because you're starting, you're you're
you're evolving, you're evolving sometimes at a rapid pace, and
your mate isn't and that communication and connectedness that makes
the partnership work is interrupted, and a lot of people
don't recover from that, you know. And then any kind
(21:37):
of change in life, like losing your job or losing
a parent, because obviously gott been through that part of
it too, So it's like all of those different emotions
and things where you need to kind of rely on partnership.
Partnership can sometimes maybe not even be an asset in
that moment. Sometimes it can actually be the rock around
your neck, like goodness, good night, this person can't see
me or hear me. Yeah, I'm laughing at what you
(22:00):
just said. And I'm laughing, but it's not really funny
because it's also like, well, right now, during these times,
these are the most loneliest times of most of our lives.
So and all those things are happening, you know what
I mean, Like people are realizing that this ain't that
I can't I can't live with him, I can't live
with him and hud no more. You know, people are
like it's a time of high stulice that I was
(22:22):
just reading the Time magazine article about it, like it's
just such a it's a lonely time. Yeah. Not having
access to touch, well that means so baby. And I'm
not talking about sex, yeah, I'm not saying I'm talking
about yeah, just on your skin, not having access to touch.
(22:43):
The first time I saw a family member during the quarantine,
when I couldn't put my arms around them, it was
like a real grieving process behind that. It was like, women,
I can't touch you, and that was very odd. And
then to take that experience and magnify it, I think
I'm sure that it takes loneliness up a thousand notches.
(23:04):
It's like old. Wait a minute, I'm I'm alone, and
how how do you deal with that? So you're seeing
a lot of people do things and find new hobbies.
And I've been seeing tons of people bike riding, yoga.
I don't seen more yoga on the good people's internets
in the past six months and I've seen in six years. Yeah,
(23:25):
people are really trying to find ways to cope, you
know what I'm saying, and not find themselves in a
ditch where they can't get out. I know, for me
and my household is there are a couple of like
real contracts. One is, my husband has to get out
of the house. He's not a person who likes to
be indoors a lot, so he has to get out
of the house. So he has an office. He goes
(23:46):
his office every day, he gets up in the morning,
like he goes and it is not a problem. I'm
actually thrilled that he has it. Some of my contracts aren't. Hey,
I gotta have a lone time. When I say my
office I wars are over, I'm trying to tell y'all,
y'all be hanging out that window like Big Red. Don't
play with me. My office hours are are done for
(24:09):
the day. But more than anything is the connection part.
So having the option to connect is also, I understand,
a huge privilege because if you don't even have the
option to connect when you're ready to, that can be devastating. Yeah,
it's got a lot of health issues. Two I think
we said that, but yeah, like chronic pain, how we
(24:33):
feel in our head and heart and our spirit really
does affect our bodies. So you know, you're already paranoid
about what's going on with this quarantine and catching something
that could possibly kill you if you're alone, that just
makes things so much worse. It makes it so much
(24:53):
harder to deal with, and your body starts to ache.
And I know, I thought I had COVID. I don't
know about set damn so far. I was like, I
got a headache. I got a headache, you know what
I mean? Like I keep you coughing in a public
spaces is like a whole new meaning these days, Like
and being outside inside your mask is lonely too. Yeah,
(25:18):
because you having that physical separation from others, that that
visual and physical separation from other people, it just it
really intensifies it. I ain't gonna lie to you, guys,
having and let me ask you, both having had parents,
how do you think your parents are experienced in this time?
Both of you have parents who are not married and
(25:40):
let alone at their age, Like, how are they experiencing
this and how they're dealing with their loneliness? Have they
talked to you all about it or anything like that?
You know, it's funny. I always say, well, my equation
is similar to most kids, Like my dad has a
girlfriend and my mom is single, and so you know,
for my dad, he's he's always like baby, I'm just
so glad we have face time, you know. But as
(26:01):
you guys know, I went home for a month a
couple of days ago, and that was the first time
I had hugged them in months. And like me and
my mom have had many conversations about the loneliness and
what the future looks like for her being in the
House of Skies, and you know, at the same time,
I was there for a mom, so I also got
to see that she's trying. She's on these these apps
she's trying to me to do. You know, it was
(26:23):
one he might be a little bit too, too militant,
but you know, it's just it's it's an interesting conversation.
And like I said, it's somewhat of a fear of mine.
And I pray every day, not for nothing. I prayed
every day in my prayers for my mom to to
find a companion in life. M hm um. I can't
imagine if Joy Salas had somebody. I don't even know.
(26:45):
She doesn't currently, but she she does him. He's two
damn dogs. And when I tell you, she cooks for
them every day, Yeah, she cooks their food. She has
been doing this for years. My mom other is a
wonderful caregiver when it comes to people and animals. She
talked to me not too long ago about she's also
(27:08):
like a touch healer. But she's got her homies where
she is. And we're about twenty good minutes away from
each other, maybe twenty Yeah, so I just far enough
and just close enough. That's that's notual. Maybe about a
good forty I'm a double at good forty minutes, So
that's that's that's just so it's a little bit of
(27:30):
a trip. But it's cool because when you get there,
I know I'm staying, you know, I'm hanging out. So
she's okay. She has her moments and I can always
tell because then she's shopping. Yeah. See, it's funny. I
want to say again, I totally know that women at
a certain age coming all different kinds of flavors, attitudes,
(27:51):
and taste, and so I understand that. But I do
understand that I'm probably gonna be much like my mother.
In the SIPs that me and my boythen were just
talking about this. He has a mother who's single as well,
and his father is married, and I was like, how
is she doing? Is she lonely? You know? He was like,
she's got this dog, you know, she good. And I'm like,
but Kareema, me and my mama, we're still they're a
sexual type of people. So you know, I just know
(28:13):
that like a pet ankle, the fur baby is not
gonna get It's just like, that's just more responsibility and
somebody I got to stay home for, yeah, and get
home for. But isn't it interesting how the sun sees
it one way? In the door. Yeah, the sun is
not thinking like, oh my bab might need I don't know,
a man, you don't even don't even want to think
(28:35):
of it like that. They don't even want to think.
And we have those conversations. I don't want to think
of my mom like that. I'm like, but like a
human to her happiness. Yeah, that was tied into her happiness. Sir, sir,
don't you want somebody to play with your stuff? Right?
Whatever made I'm with, I let him know. Listen, this
(28:57):
is what I'm gonna be when I'm sixty seventy two.
This is what I play, and so all the way
into ain't no quitting. Yes, they got some pills for that. Yeah,
they got some drinking drinks a long. When I'm done,
you could be done to have this? What is a yangling?
(29:19):
What is it? Um? What's the beer? No? No, no,
I know yngling is a beer. But yangling is supposed
to help you know that that strong bull? What is that?
I know what you're talking about. I didn't know what
I'm saying, but okay, yeah, if I'm not mistaken, it's
(29:40):
a yngling that's supposed to keep that thing. We are
so how we always end up coming back to sex,
And I'm not mad at that. This is a human
condition people. I personally am very out of myself because
(30:02):
we are half more than halfway through this podcast and
I have not found a way to blame loneliness on
white supremacy. So person, well, let's look let's look at that,
let's look back. Okay, So you could say that white
supremacy is responsible for the COVID been in quarantine as long,
(30:22):
and therefore it has something to do with why everybody
is so lonely and dealing with loneliness right now to
this extent. Well, that's fair enough. You could also say that,
let's look at the seventies with the welfare system and
not being able to have a man in your house
at all, not being able to have a man or
(30:45):
visit in order to feed your children or keep your
lights on. That is that's a very very major major
part of our history. Women and who are lonely. Yes,
m m, yeah, come on in there. Let's blame this
(31:06):
white man, make him accountable for his deeds. I only
laugh because it's uncomfortable. That's the that's the only reason
I laugh. I just need you to understand that. It's
because it's uncomfortable to have to put a name, or
not even a name, but a face to a problem.
But when you look at our issues and our problems,
(31:28):
so much of it, so so much of it goes
back to where we are and how how the society
is running and to what agents. Yeah, I mean, that
isn't the reason that a lot of our mamas and
mamas are single. I'm convinsed, but you know that's whatever.
Oh yeah, and even down to the whole idea of
(31:49):
what it takes to be successful and how women we
have to grind so hard and so much, and that
we don't have time to take to be social, to
time to interact with one another, to have quality time
with other people, and social time enough with other people
in order to build those kinds of relationships, and the
ways in which certain doors are closed to black men
(32:12):
and women, you know, and let's just keep it real.
They underpaying us anyway, so if they can get some
brilliance at a discount, they're gonna take it right, So
trust and believe that we're dealing with. It's a backhanded
opportunity for black women. It's like, yeah, you had this job,
(32:35):
but but you're gonna get forty two cents on the dollar,
and I'm gonna need you to work alonger than thes
eight hours and you can't and you can't act like
this job, this job ain't the most important thing in
the world to you. Oh you have kids, Forshonda. I
didn't even know that. I ain't know that. Wow, that's something.
(32:59):
Do they all have the same father? Really? That's fascinating. Wow, fascinating.
That's so Toshanda. This is like the third funeral you've
gone to. I've never been to one another funeral. Rashonda. Sure, people,
(33:20):
take care of yourself. Oh God, I love you, Rashonda. Okay,
shout out to Rashonda. We have your back, Rashonda right
here on Jay dot il. Okay, more conversation after this break. Listen,
(33:49):
how do we combat this thing? How do we combat loneliness?
So many ways this yoga thing is helpful, and it
also moves the body and sadness. Just like with cancer,
staying positive is really really important when dealing with illness. Anyway,
you already know that our emotions just like with plants.
(34:09):
Just just like with plans, you speak negatively to a plant,
it's going to wither. You speak positively and and say nice, creative,
interesting things, and the thing will grow. It is the
same with our bodies, feeding it positivity. That's why, Jill,
I just want to add, even though I'm not consistent,
I am an advocate of meditation. I'm trying to be better,
(34:29):
be better with me. Hey, this is what it's all about.
We're all trying to be better. I wish I wish
I would sit somewhere and talk about, Oh, I got
it all together. I know how to think. I don't know.
I'm trying to know. I'm trying to do better. And
I think that's you know, while we're here, We're all
in this thing together, trying to be better human beings,
trying to be stronger for the next generation and stronger
(34:50):
for ourselves. Come on, somebody, amen. Amen. One thing that
I think has helped me in the past with loneliness
is being really clear and getting to know myself what
it is I need and what it is I like
who I am, because it's sad. I know. You get
to your forties and you realize, damn, I've lived this
long and may not all the way know myself, and
(35:13):
that realization is kind of a lot, you know, But
once you start asking yourself that question, you realize, oh,
I do know myself. I just have impressed myself to
make that the priority. I've not centered myself in the conversation.
So I think loneliness. In terms of how I've dealt
with it is getting to know myself a lot better.
I'm comfortable with myself. I know what I need. When
(35:34):
I need interaction, I know how to ask for it,
and when I want to interact, I know how I
want to interact. And the big conversation in the past
couple of years, at least I hear it almost at
nauseum is love languages and people knowing what their love languages,
and how they interact and how they need to interact
and when they don't feel like interacting, and all those things.
(35:55):
Making sure you have those boundaries, speaking up where you
need to. All of that. It comes with the confidence
of dealing with your stuff, getting to know yourself, and
honoring yourself. It's all the self work. Unfortunately, it all
kind of keeps coming back to the self work. It is, though,
and it's not selfish. It's not selfish to do the
(36:16):
self work. It's the It's funny because as the Asian
was given like the whole it's funny, always called the
intellectual version of I was thinking to myself literally, like
all these things that you should be doing, but you
just did this whole intellectual like translation of things, because
I was like, well, you know, not for nothing, folks,
like people are breaking their backs to make content for
you at the end of the day, you know, learn
(36:37):
something new on your computer for yourself, like spend some
more time with yourself. Read this book that you said
you was gonna read and you still haven't read it.
Check on that friend that you've been saying for the
last year. I wonder how they're doing all these things
that are part of like everything that Asia said in
a really smart way, but this is why, and even
(36:58):
a one more thing instead of to my I was
very insistant. She turned seventy for her birthday and she
was like, I do not want to drive by zoom
birthday party. So even in that way be creative. We
did a drink by. We were like, you know what,
y'all come back for thirty to forty five minute infrements
and then roll the freak out in our backyard, like
let's just try to think bigger and you know, I
just I just think what you want? What do you want,
(37:19):
what do you like? What are you into? And if
you can't think of anything, go look for it. See
if you can find something that you like. I think
I would like making pottery. I think I would dig
that right, you know the YouTube show that Jill. But
that means I got to go by the clay and
the stuff, all the stuff. I don't know if I
(37:41):
like it yet. I need to try first, call him
anything you need. I think I would like playing the
hard I've been trying to figure out what I've been
playing with these fingers for years. I don't know, but
it might be a magical invisible harp. Give it a try.
Why not? I want to say this real quick thing too,
(38:03):
about some of the options that we have really do
come along with a few of the privileges that we enjoy,
you know, just have an access, you know. And a
friend of mine told me once that poverty is about
the most instances, is about not being able to have
any time. Time is a privilege. Having time is a privilege.
And and many of us, many of us, many black
(38:26):
women in this country and women of color, just have
a very difficult time even having the time to do
something new. Everything is in survival mode. Everything is I
have to go to work, I can't stay home. I
don't have to I don't have this, and the stress
levels are like very very high. And so I just
(38:48):
want us to remember because I realized that even though
obviously we have all experienced times of leanness, there is
a privilege in this conversation of the three of us,
the three of us do have as and it's too
many people who just don't and they can't solve their
loneliness by going to a yoga class because they can't
(39:08):
afford a yoga class. Because because here's the gag. If you,
if you have the privilege to be able to sit
here and listen to me and Asian Jail right now,
then you might be able to do some of these
other things too. Because yeah, and just to be clear,
while while you're you know, cleaning the kitchen or whatever
(39:30):
you're doing, listening to this podcast, just because you amassed
a certain amount of success depending on what you're thinking,
it is. My days as as an actor, sometimes there
are seventeen hour days, and I would say more often
than not, um fortunately, and that means there's a very
(39:51):
very short amount of time in between tomorrow and getting home,
taking a shower, getting your makeup off, learning your new lines,
are going over your lines, and getting to bed, and
then you're writing up and and early the next day
and the whole thing starts all over again. You normally
work on a Faturday, which is it starts on Friday
(40:14):
and it ends on Saturday morning, and that means Saturday
is done. So you're exhausted most of Saturday. You have
Saturday evening and you have Sunday. But you got to
get ready and learn all the lines that you need
to know for for Monday, Tuesday, Wesy, Thursday, Friday, because
you don't want to wait till the last minute and
not know your lines, because that is horrible and turmoil
(40:39):
in turn, and you can't be showing up as a
black woman unprepared, over prepared high And I've had that
happen where I was just like, I'm so tired. I
just don't know. But what I did do in order
to keep the sanity that I had is on the
(41:00):
ride too set, I was like, how long is it?
How long is the ride today? Sometimes ride will be
an hour and a half. Praise God. That means I
get a little bit of a nap, And it also
means that I get to listen to some music and breathe.
Listen to some music and breathe, Like just trying to
(41:21):
find the space in the midst of it all to
take some deep breaths. That's helpful. That's helpful. You know.
If you can have somebody come and visit and knock
the cobwebs off the thing, that's nice too, you know.
But but they gotta go because you have you got
(41:42):
you got things to do. I get it. I get it.
The working time doesn't change. I was watching a video
yesterday and or earlier today, and the sky was talking
about how really is about intentional living. It's not that
you have like tons of time, but it's also this
is how you're spending your So if you're doing something
that it has no intention, it has an intention behind
(42:04):
it where it's like like if you want to scroll
social media and you have a reason for why you're
doing that, you're like because I enjoy it, or because
I want to do or because I want to check
in on some things or whatever. It's like, yeah, okay, great.
Bottom line is that everything. If you can start to
look at your life in this way where it's like
I'm doing things for this intentional reason and I'm being
intentional about that, it can help to give you a
(42:26):
lot more peace of mind. And it's interesting because I
have teenagers, tons of them now, Like almost all the
kids are teenagers except for I got one that's twenty
one and one that's ten, so they're kind of out
of the teenager e space, but in the middle four teenagers.
And one thing about teenagers is that they are most
definitely always going through some sort of you know, on
(42:48):
somewhere on that spectrum of am I depressed them, I
have anxiety and my this and my dad you know,
da da da da, there's somewhere on there almost all
of the time, some sort of way and helping them
to say, Okay, yeah, today you might be lonely, today
you might be sad, or today you might be have anxiety.
What is your intentional choice in this moment so that
(43:11):
you can address that. No, that doesn't mean that you
won't feel it at all, But what is your response?
What are you being intentional about? What is that gonna
give you? How is that going to feed you? And
if you can practice doing that at this age and
when you get older, you're not as at risk to
go under because of it. That doesn't mean that the
(43:32):
feelings will not be there, and it doesn't mean that
because you choose to do something else and somehow the
thought of it will not still be there. You may
not still feel this way, but you're keeping that body going.
You're making intentional choices in order to address how you're feeling.
And UM, I'm no therapist or anything like that, obviously,
I'm just saying what the conversations I'm having at home
(43:53):
with my young people, and how that has also helped
me to hold myself to the same standard because will
be havevior? Are we modeling then for them? So that
that has helped to keep me honest, particularly about this issue.
I think it's like facing the ugly if you will,
like facing what is it that that you're feeling? Like
(44:15):
you just said, aga like having our our young people
and I'm throwing it out to the elders too, to
face what is this? What is this precise loneliness? It's
like questioning what's going on? Are you? Are you just horny?
Because that's different. Do you want somebody to talk to
(44:37):
and what kind of conversation are you really interested in having?
The what of the what? What is the what of
the what? Because you know you have some girlfriends that
you call and you know they're gonna make you laugh.
That's all. They're gonna make you laugh. They're not gonna
tell you anything too deep, it's not gonna get too heavy,
but they are going to make you laugh fun. Some
(44:58):
friends are gonna help you cry. And then of course
there's those brilliant minds that just inspire you to, you know,
write a novel or get your your bank account in order,
whatever the case may be. You have to be specific.
I think this is what agent just said, being specific
to your needs. What are you looking for? And that
(45:19):
again goes with knowing who you are and being okay
to see the ugly parts. What what's what's what's what's missing?
But what is it? Exactly? This is because let me
tell you something, that is the honest conversation. That first
honest conversation you have with yourself is like breaking out
(45:40):
of chains, like that first time you really say out loud,
like what is really really bothering you? What is really
fucking with you too? Underneath the bones of the bones.
I never forget that. It's when I started praying out
loud or talking out loud to myself and talking to
God out loud. I do it all the time now
(46:01):
because I need to name the thing. I don't have
time for the letting all that stuff float around in
my head. I'm like, you know what, I don't like
doing this, guy, I don't like this. I don't like it.
I don't like it because it don't feel right or
I don't want to talk to that person. And when
I'm say the words out of my mouth, it makes
(46:22):
me understand what is the why of the why. I've
taken to saying no thank you out loud to private thoughts.
Nobody else can hear what I was just thinking, but
you'll hear me all over this house. And Jet my
son is taken to that as well. No thank you, no,
no thank you, like I'm not. I'm not. I'm honoring
(46:44):
these thoughts. I just don't want them. I don't want that.
I don't want to have nothing to do with that
negative energy that It's been a practice for a long
time and I don't you know, Hey, look, somebody really
might think I'm nuts, but I and explain what I'm doing.
No thank you. I watched the movie The Ship scared
(47:04):
me and now I'm in here hearing everything and maybe
something is it here. I don't know, no thank you,
and I'm a turnal way, go to sleep. I said no,
thank you, And it's so that's it, because yes, because
we're nothing more powerful than that voice in your head,
you better learn how to talk to that voice in
your head. And it's soundwha saying that I rebuke you.
(47:25):
Rebuke you, Yeah, rebuke it too, whatever has to happen.
I'm yeah that too. I'm just saying, like, okay, I
recognize I'm not trying to say that I have any
Rebuke is a good way. That's such a good word.
You know what I else? I like? I like buying.
Buying is a good word to find you. Come on,
(47:49):
you're so nasty. I'm sorry. Was I not appused to
take it that way? Because of course you would. You
said it. I didn't say bind. Yes, old black church
words a church words are everything, and it is also
the word from craft. I bind you from doing harm
(48:14):
to yourself and harm to others. I bind you from
doing hard. That's right, Come on, bind bind. But I'm
seriously don't know, seriously isolation and loneliness, yes, thinking about
our folks and our ancestors and what what they must
(48:37):
have felt. My God is sobering too. You know you're
away from your people, your family. You were just with
them yesterday. Now you're surrounded by people who don't speak
your language. You don't know. They look like you, but
they're from different areas, different tribes. Just in Butuana alone,
if I'm not mistaken, if there's over forty languages just
(48:58):
in that's one country. Yeah, I mean we're talking about
an entire continent. You've just been roaming around, snatching folks up,
putting them all in one ship. Like h I cannot
imagine knowing, uh. A mother leaving her babies, a man
leaving his family and his wife his parents. M hm.
(49:23):
I learned last week we're talking about Phyllis Wheatley and
about how she's a for those of y'all don't know,
she's a poet and a writer. And Phyllis Wheatley arrived
in America on a slave ship, and the slave ship's
name was Phyllis. She was named for the ship that
(49:46):
she came on. And when she arrived in America, she
arrived alone. She was six years old, alone and was
sold off of a boat alone, and then named for
the boat. And I think to myself, how do you
(50:12):
how do you shake that? How do you say alive.
How do you you know? And and it reminds me
and pulls me back into that thinking about who we
are and what we have survived through, but also saying
that we have to give ourselves that space and that
(50:33):
moment of compassion and care that we weren't able to
take for our ancestors. Our ancestors won't be able to
take that, so we take it for them. We take
that moment of rest and in our loneliness and our
we acknowledge our feelings and and not try to just survive.
(50:56):
Because we have that ability, we're able to have this
discussion and outside of just survival because Phyllis Weekly survived,
because these children came here alone and survived, because they
survived the deep isolation and loneliness and fear and anger
and confusion that comes along with the experience that we've
(51:17):
had all over the world, not just here in America,
but all over the world outside of our home countries
and so our home concident. So I think by honoring
it and talking about it and staying and feeling these
moments of weakness and and along with the strength that
it says we're human beings, it reclaims the humanity again.
(51:40):
So I just want us all to not fear claiming
our humanity. And if we are lonely, if we are sad,
if we are dealing in that place, that it's okay
to name it and say so. It's not weak, it's
not weakness, and we're not forever strong. We are people
and human beings, and that people really did die and
suffer from all to put generations not ever being able
(52:02):
to give themselves that space to just feel m m.
This is a poem by Nikki Giovanni. It's called I'm
not lonely. I'm not lonely sleeping all alone. You think
(52:26):
I'm scared, but I'm a big girl. I don't cry
or anything. I have a great big bed to roll
around and and lots of space. And I don't dream
bad dreams like I used to have that you were
leaving me anymore. Now that you're gone, I don't dream.
And no matter what you think, I'm not lonely sleeping
(52:47):
all alone. How do you eat an elephant? One by tie?
(53:17):
So we've reached the end of another episode, and that
means that it's time for me Eaves the producer, to
give you some resources. Aja recommends following the black Yogi
hashtag on Instagram as a source of insight on wellness,
self care, and solitude. She also mentioned love languages in
this episode, which are a concept that came from the
(53:38):
book The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That
Last by Gary Chapman, and Last, but never Least is
Phyllis Wheatley, the first black person in the US to
publish a book of poetry. Aja read about Phyllis Wheatley
in the book In the Wake on Blackness and Being
by Christina Sharp. You can find links for all of
these resources in the episode just option. Thank you so
(54:05):
much everybody for listening. Peace, Thank you for listening to
Jill Scott Presents j dot il the Podcast. This podcast
(54:31):
is hosted by Jill Scott, Laias st Clair, and Aga
Graden Danceler. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g
and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Lias st Clair and
me Eve Jeff Cope. The editing and sound design for
this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. The poem I'm
Not Lonely It's from the collected poetry of Nikki Giovanni
(54:53):
Copyright Compilation two thousand and three by Nikki Giovanni, used
by permission of Harper Collins Publishers. I like when my
husband fall asleep at the office. He'd be like, I'm
so sorry, I'm tired. Good baby. God. Just later, I
stretched my whole body out like that. That is something
(55:13):
that I wonder about with me and like ever getting
married again. I'm not sure that I want to share. Yeah,
and I'm sure I want to do that. You mean
you're going to be here all the time, like there's
no nights off, Like you're gonna snore. J dot Ill
is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
(55:36):
from I Heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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