Our Mailbox is Full

This week’s episode is all about you our listeners! Jill, Aja, and Laiya listen back to the voice mail you’ve sent this season. We love hearing from you keep them coming, Call 866-HEY-JILL and leave us a message. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Jay dot Ill a production of My Heart Radio. Hi, ladies,
this is Nadia from New York. I just want to
say I can't even refer to a specific episode. I've
listened to them all multiple times over. I just want
to say, in each and every episode, you ladies, touch

(00:25):
on something that is important to me, that is laying
within me that I didn't even know I was laying
in my spirit sometimes. And I just want to thank you, Jill, Asia, Asia,
excuse me, and thank you for being the voice that
a lot of us didn't know that we needed. Thank
you for being the voices that educate us on our bodies,

(00:47):
our love, our beings, just everything about you. I just
want to thank you, ladies. I want to say that
you are the voice that I have been looking for.
You are a voice that we all need. Y'all be blessed,
say sweet, appreciate you, God blessed, Thank you, Thank you
so much. Welcome to j dot Ello podcast. And guess

(01:08):
what our voicemail is full? Is full? You called, you
left messages, you let us know how you feel about
what we're doing here, and I promise you would mean
so much to us. Um this is our first time
listening through to the messages, and we just want to

(01:30):
be surprised. We don't know what you're gonna say, like
we hate you pictures they could hit and could go
down like that, and I don't know. But the fact
that you've left such a lovely message, and you know,
you let us know that what we're doing is not
in vain. That feels really, really good. We're really here
just trying to, you know, spark that conversation. We're just

(01:53):
trying to spark that conversation so that you can get
through to the other side of the world. Honey, We're
all trying to get to the other side. Listen and
put our feet in the grass and smell the flowers
on the way. I want to acknowledge that the young
lady who left that message took the time to pronounce

(02:13):
my name God she let's sake, and then she charged
to circle back, and there was such a lesson in
that to make a mistake. Amen, Amen says circle back.
That is the one thing you back on. J d
il if anything was how to stay asa. How about
that Ada Graydon Danceler that's me, yeah, and Layahs st

(02:39):
Clair that's me. And I'm just Scott all day And
this is j d Ilda Podcast, and we're gonna listen
to these messages and see what y'all got to say.
Play another one. Amber, Oh my god, my name is
I'm calling from Atlanta and I was listening to bro
mix VAHU. I was driving. I'm an uber driver, and

(03:01):
I absolutely could not ride down the road to close
my eyes. That would have been a detriment to my
life and everybody else in the city of Atlanta, Georgia.
But in my heart, oh my god, you, I could
have cried the stars, the color of the stars, the
start flats, the bush people, the food, the tendency to

(03:24):
off the ground. Um, taking your son over the delta. Uh.
You guys being in Paris, experiencing the food, Uh, the
louse uh museum like I your words. God has really
gifted you with a way with words. You say something
and I see it, I feel it, I experienced it.

(03:46):
You can describe a particular hell of blue and I
see it, I feel it, I sense it, and I
get all into it. I was like Layah where her
eyes were closed. I am you are such a gym. Jill,
you are such a gym. Asia, you are such a
motherfucking beast. And you are so solid, and you are

(04:08):
such a balance and like Babe, you are an adventure
and me and you was like Dora. We'll be got
that bitch with backpack. Backpack. That's all we do. I
love everything that you ladies do. You women are vital
to my life. I thank you so much. I love
you so much, and thank you for taking me to
Boots Wanna and them babies. Yes, ma'am. Thank y'all so much.

(04:34):
I love y'all, and y'all be easy to be blessed
and enjoy your weekends. I look forward to next two stepisode.
Thank you, and I am talking your Instagram pages just
f y. I like your congratulations on goddam. I'm dropping
the baby off but not crying. Baby. I love y'all
so much. I talk to y'all soon back. First of all,

(05:02):
Ed is about to get all my love number one
with that as from that was everything we'll see. Listen,
y'all try to we're starting the day off. We're starting
what my chest est my body. That was a sweet episode. Man,

(05:25):
that was though it was like it was it was
like an audio pleasure here. It was an extraordinary experience
and all the ideas that it popped. Jill like, for
everybody listening. I mean, I'm talking about me, but yeah,
but everybody listening was like, I could I could do
a little version of is what It really helped me

(05:48):
understand what's just the importance of, you know, honoring the
transition into adulthood, for these young people to be intentional
about honoring that, and that it's not just about a birthday,
it's not just about a you know, it's about it's
a process. Who is who do I want this person
to become? And what am I going to do to

(06:11):
show them that I'm invested in that in a way
that says, okay, you know what, we've gone into the
next stage of this. Now we did that first part
and now we're going into this next stage. And I
just thought it was beautiful and I loved how it
was just an intention. It's not all just about exactly
what was done, it's the intention behind what was done.

(06:35):
They Yeah, I'll provowed you. Thank you man. I just
want to do this thing as best as I possibly can.
And you know, just a reminder for far As bro
Mits Fuzz or Sismiths Fuzz, if you will um the
you know like that, Like, as far as those things

(06:57):
are concerned, Like I saved for two years for that.
I knew it was coming, and I knew what I
wanted him to experience, and I knew what I didn't
want to, you know, do something that was a financial
burden to me, because I don't. You know, people will
assume I ain't got no financial burdens, but you know,
I'm still you know, text main't come every year. Looking Rode,

(07:21):
when you said you saved for that trip, we all
heard you. Like, but that's also part of the intentional.
When you save, that means you you're intentional. You're making
a play that part. Because now at thirteen, you know
that would attest to this, it's gotten a lot harder.

(07:43):
I'm rough on him now, Oh I'm not. I'm not.
I'm not letting things slide as I would a little
person and important you could get this too, but now, no, no,
no longer, little tink tank, no more, no more, And

(08:09):
there are consequences to your actions and far as right now,
I'm the one that Yeah, it's not going to be
all sweet, but we thank you so much, as you know,
for leaving that message and letting us know that. You know,
we're inspiring you and igniting, you know, dreams of fancy

(08:35):
and that don't have to be that fancy. It's not
and it could be too. It could be too. We
manifest luxury, talling, the manifests the best, right loaded style,
y'all goals, right loaded style. Let's come Yeah, what what's

(08:55):
White Loadus? White Loaders is a series on HBO about
fancy as hotel. The last season it was one place.
This season it was in a in Italy off the coast,
and it's a it's a mystery that goes on in
it's fancy, extra luxurious hotel. I should watch this. I
like these things. Yeah, you would like it. I wanted

(09:16):
to tell you guys that I'm watching Kendred. I'm finished.
I finished that. I'm finished too. I didn't know talk
we're done. I thought it was just one season. I
was like, oh, okay, wait, there's more than one season. Yes,
that's up for a second season. You'll you'll figure that out.
You'll be like, oh, okay, okay, that's what it's gonna

(09:38):
make you do in there. Hold up, hold up, guys,
I'm so sorry. Stop no mm hmm, okay, that ain't
even know editing told you all the time. I told
the time, I said, this is the time that I'm

(09:58):
a boring on room. You booked the room for a
certain the room for a certain time. Y'all knocking on
the toe all in my audio, like what is happening?
That just goes to show you everybody, And it don't stop.
Don't stop it don't stop when you decide somebody, it

(10:21):
don't stop ever, not ever. What is kindred on? Um?
Hulu Hulu hulu. Okay, nobody, nobody's paying us to say
that you know anything. We're just watching this because we're
big fans of Octavia Butler and it's well done and

(10:44):
it's very interesting, and like Agia had mentioned to me,
I think she mentioned it privately that it was kind
of like heavy and you got to kind of take
a break and come back with some breaths and start again. Um,
just throwing that out there. But thanks y'all. We really
appreciate your home states. Stay safe on those roads. Um
just England that somebody ain't right pull off my friend, Yeah, Georgia,

(11:16):
more real talk after the break, play another one for us,
if you'd be so kind, My dear Emba, Hi ladies.
My name is Alicia. I was just calling because I'm

(11:37):
a great fan of the show and I actually am
getting caught up on the episodes now that I'm back
at work. And um, the June twenty second episode Your
Coaches on Camera Part one, there was an interesting part
in it that you guys were discussing virginity and why
would somebody be a virgin for some long particularly. I

(11:57):
think that would be a great episode topic just because
as a fellow virgin, I'm almost in my forties and
I'm a virgin as well. But I realized that I've
been a virgin for so long because I've had some
trauma that's happened in the past year. So I stayed
out from going out and I stayed home. And then

(12:18):
as the time passed along, I started to get older
and older and older, and then I realized, like, oh
my gosh, I'm not living and now I'm in the
predicament that I'm about to be a forty year old virgin.
So I think that'd be a great topic if you
guys would just talk to all kinds of different virgins
out there and see and get their perspective on stuff
as into why they are a virgin. Thank you ladies.

(12:40):
By wow, that is a very interesting topic. I do
know a fifties six year old virgin. Wo. Yeah. I
have a good friend who is just turning forty and
actually today is having a theme party called the forty
year Old Virgin, and he has put out a a

(13:03):
birthday um invitation complete with the remake of the forty
year old version movie poster and everything. Yeah, we haven't
talked about that. I wonder. I wonder if your friend
is like he's trying and change that for the birthday.
I don't know, okays, I'm gonna find out, you know, whenever,

(13:23):
if we do get a chance to do this as
an episode, you know, I'll ask him if he'd be
interested to come on in, come in the room and
talk about it, because I would love to see here
from a diverse group of virgins. Yeah. Man, Because what
she was saying is like hers was like, Hey, I
put it off, put it off, put it off. It
wasn't even intentional. So I'm sure there's some people where

(13:45):
it's deeply intentional like I think hers was. She said
she had been you know, she had to experience some
trauma and at that point you know, it's kind of
made a decision about it. What I've learned from the
field virgins that I've had the experience the pleasure to know, Um,
they were just good folks. But also if you stay

(14:07):
a virgin after a certain age, you tend to stay one,
you know what I mean. If you're a virgin after
a certain agers a shame thing. You think it's a
shame thing. You don't want to tappin. It's probably individual,
you know, sometimes it's habit right out of habit. I
mean just because I just didn't know more, because it's
just like I just don't. I just ain't never did.
So yeah, yeah, like you don't even have the desire.

(14:31):
I think, are they a sexual Jill? The ones that
you know, like do they still pleasure themselves? Or how
about the ones that you know? I don't know. I
mean we know a couple of just not too long ago,
look separate entity do We'll talk about it later, But
I know, you know, I wonder, I wonder to me,

(14:55):
I was like, I was like, something gotta go in here,
that's gotta go in there. Yes, So I'm like to
go in here and after Jill tell me, after Jill
tell me who it is. I might, I might ask
if I know what I'm gonna ask them. I'm curious.
I want to know all the things. Okay, I doubt
very much that they would talk about it, but you
never know, Okay, you never know. We can't help, but

(15:15):
you know it's okay to take some really take some anonymous.
No shame, we can shoot all. There's no shame, of course,
not none. But you know, people will put stuff on
you like yeah, and sometimes even in our tone because
we're so used to socialize in certain ways. I fear
that on that particular episode, we we ourselves may have

(15:36):
come across a little bit like, oh well, why would
you know, just maybe a little bit just outside of talking,
outside of the experience, you know what I'm saying. So oh,
I know. I mean that's why I asked about the
a sexual thing, because I think once you we get
to that point, I know, I'm might. You know, I
would be one of those people to be like damgn
like what is that like? Not having that in your life?
Like I understand maybe virgin, but and there's so many

(15:59):
days to experience intimacy that could that's would definitely be
even more powerful, you know, okay, you know what I mean. Yeah, ways,
that's why I said, it's like so many different types
of people who are probably experiencing this and that to
make this kind of monolithic you know, statement about what

(16:20):
that looks like, right, I mean irresponsible. It isn't fair
Jerry's line like are you a virgin? We need to
know your different experience. I'm just joking, but I'm not,
though I am. Yeah, thank you at Les, yeah for
for bringing us a topic because you know, looking for

(16:40):
something to to share and learn about. You know, it's
we want to learn and it's so cool because people
are people are amazing. Yeah, and that kind of choice
is it's one that I don't identify with. But that's
what's up, Like, okay, to stop. I like how diverse

(17:01):
our people are too. It's like we got a little
bit everything. We got the freaking thing end and the
opt outs come on, you got opt out. Let's go listen.
One thing I'll say about this podcast for sure, and
this is I really really love this. This is absolute
proof again that people are smart. The world will make

(17:23):
you think that everybody is you know, um lacking in capacity,
you know, but it's not true. People are actually thinking,
people are reading, people are questioning, people are making big
choices about their existence. That, um, that inspire. So I'm glad.

(17:45):
I'm glad to notice that. I'm glad to see that.
Keep thinking. Y'all love it. I love it. If we
love it, we love that. Okay. So we got a
message from from someone on Instagram. Um it's at Isaiah
Ribera two for eight and they wrote, I thank you
for sharing your life and doing everything that you do.

(18:06):
Just know that your podcast has blessed this little Puerto
Rican boy from the hood. I appreciate everything you do.
Your podcast has got me through some days, and that's
the best man. Some days, yo, as you can do
is get through. I love it. I have quite a
few some days, and I promise you I'm grateful to

(18:28):
have been a part of getting somebody to what's something that. Yeah,
I'm still I'm like urgance. Puerto Ricans. I love them.
We're touching people in this way. I guess that's so cool.
I like that. The brother's lessening. That's what's up right
me too. Oh let me see if I could, I
might got another brother for y'all since you mentioned her brother, Oh, Royce,

(18:51):
we love Royce, Royce and all all all his comments.
Uh Royce says episodes are great topics asked for yesterday's
app all the bells and whistles. Thank you all for
the love, knowledgeable inclusion and affirming us trans men. Shoutouts
to Nina Joiner, owner a Feel More Sex Shop. Oh
that was a good episode. That was a good episode. Yes,

(19:15):
we learned some things. Update update. I bought the rows
for quite a few of my um uh senior sisters.
I'm talking about over the age of sixty five. You
know what I'm saying. Did you get some feedback yet?
The feedback is it's a hit. One said she almost

(19:35):
had a heart attack, and the other has gone back
for more, more and more, and she says it keeps
getting better. She loves the wish she just washed it. Child. Listen,
I'm girl, I'm changing lives out here. You are changing lives.
You are changing lives. That is so dope, you know, No, seller,
I don't celebrate the Christmas, but I'm gonna go ahead

(19:57):
and just do a maths send out. Huh. That is
everything I do want to send out. I love it.
I love it, but I love that you were specific
about who was going to receive them, because we forget
it about our our elders and our older sisters and

(20:17):
our older aunties that they they ain't you know, they
still here and they still need Most times they hear
more than our uncles. So they need to experience pleasure
and and and the era that some of them came
from that wasn't something that some some of them talked
to about or that they felt was important. So I

(20:40):
think that's really cool. I want to speak on the
fact that Royce really did say something about inclusion, which
is important, which is just important to me in general,
but I think that, um, I love. What I love
about this podcast is that we are always trying to
make sure that we're thinking in that space that we
try to leave from that place. We can't always say

(21:01):
or know all the things because we're not living all
the experiences, but the fact that we always try to
come back to the fact that yes, there are there
so many experiences to be had, and that we want
to affirm those experiences and we want to affirm other folks,
and particularly all the different types of black folks that
we know of because our community is so diverse and

(21:25):
we have so many lived experiences to draw from. So
I'm just happy to hear that that is noticed and received. Amen.
You you both, you both have definitely opened my mind
and my eyes in a beautiful way when it comes

(21:46):
to inclusion, because in any of us become can become insular.
We think that our experience is the experience, when in reality,
you know, we're all living on a different plane, but
completely attached. Completely attached, but different wonderful, crazy, wild, funny, sad,

(22:11):
uplifting stories. You know if if you look at it,
look at humanity as a book. You know. So, I
really really appreciate how you have learned to me. Uh,
I think we have all learned each other. Listen and
learn from our listeners too, because I want to shout
outs to not just Royce who is always making great

(22:33):
comments and putting us on the things, but Donna another
Donna will be on Twitter like listening, ladies listen. Literally,
I looked at my Twitter and they go, Donia like okay, so, uh,
y'all need a good somatics person. I got that. Like
our whole we have a community of amazing resource people
and that's dope too. We just I just love my folks,

(22:53):
don't you know, you know, yeah, we've feel proud over
here today. We are we're feeling proud today. We enjoy
each other. So it's like the funny part is that
we could do this and just cackle with each other
and being la la happyland, just doing that, but knowing
that in the process of enjoying one another's company and

(23:14):
getting to kind of sift through and talk through all
the stuff that we're thinking about and want to know
about that also that's affecting other people in a positive way.
What more could you really ask for after all of that?
You know, that's something that you're just doing that comes natural,
that that just that feeds you is also feeding others.
It's like it's a community. And to think we are

(23:35):
having this conversation during the good people's quanza Okay, okay,
what Habar Gandhi agent today is near a purpose? Yeah,
so we're living fully, you know, we're living in our love.
I think we should have a conversation about quanta. You know,

(23:57):
I know some people are familiar with it. I'm not
as familiar as most um or some but I think
we share a conversation about quansa where it comes from,
who it comes from, and the principles of kwanza. You know,
I like I like good things, you know, I like
things that benefit the people. You know, yeah, clans is cool.

(24:18):
There's you know, all kinds of conversation around quansa you know, yes,
so you know, let's I welcome this conversation about about
the good people's coins. Thank you for today. It is
is Nia and we are definitely I feel like living
in our purpose. Today you say one today, on today,
you say on today today, and today I say on

(24:42):
today a lot. What's funny is that some of our
some of our fans actually reach out to me and
and spit back the stuff I say a lot on
all the good People's Internet or the good people said that.
Somebody else said that. I guess, I say, listen a lot. Yeah,
I think got to do. There's a baby, h it

(25:06):
was it was the season one was White supremacy. Pull back.
I pull back not because I'm afraid of the man,
but because I pulled back because I want. I want
you to understand that it's easy to talk to me.
It is. I promise you, it's not a difficult. I
promise you. Oh my god, it's hilarious. Guys. Please another

(25:32):
one Amber. This is so nice. Thanks shau Hi. This
is Mardi Um. I just finished listening to young Shonnon.
I think that's how you say it, um, and I
just am moved um two tears at the how eloquent

(25:52):
this beautiful young lady is. And I have this thing
to Asia and her husband. Job well done. I am
so happy to know that you have parentsed six beautiful
games and that their present, their extension of your brilliance,

(26:13):
to add with their own brilliance, will be in this
world to contribute like this young lady Lana is already
contributing to listening the vibration of the universe. I am
so honored to have listened to her. And I have
a question for those of us parents who were challenged

(26:35):
with communication with our young, our babies, who didn't have
the ability or the wherewithal too engage, who were caught
up in financial struggles and and and depression and trauma
and drama. What do we do? How do we begin

(26:56):
to create that? Is it too late? And I I'm
not gonna say it's too late, because it's never too late.
Every day is an opportunity to recreate yourself and to
recreate something new manifest something new, and we are great
manifestos of the Africans living in America. So, um, what
do you think how can we, as moms who may

(27:20):
have missed the mark develop a bond with our children
who are in their twenties and thirties. What do you suggest?
How do we do that? Is it maybe having Sunday
dinners once a week? You know? Um, going with the flow?
How do we you know, still share our wisdom with

(27:41):
our children as we feel like we missed the mark
and we didn't bond with our children and we know
that we still have so much more to teach them.
Thank you and have a blessed, blessed day. That's a
that's a that's a bit of a toll request. Um man, Well,

(28:03):
thanks y'all, because honestly, I did get a lot of
like m d M s and stuff about Lana's episode.
So thank you guys for loving up on my kid.
That's number one. She saw all the love that y'all
gave her on social media, oh god. And um, I
did allow her to to see it, and she, you know,

(28:24):
it was just really really grateful and I was super
proud of her, and it was definitely a difficult thing
to listen to her in that way because it's mothering
and it's like I'm trying not to be goofy and
proud and you know, and just whatever the case may be.
But you know, it was really a great experience. So
I just want to thank you all for allowing her
to come on and talk and share her experiences. But

(28:47):
as far as like what you should do, I just
think parenting is just like an ongo and learning process,
and for me, in terms of like connecting and bonding
with your kids, one of the things that has helped
me with my relationship with my children, it's constantly um
learning how to listen. I think we all believe in

(29:08):
and know what we've been through. We we were there,
we experienced it. We know what we know, and we're
ready to share that wisdom and we're just ready to
pass it on. But I'm not sure if we're always
ready to listen for the nuances. We're not ready to
really hear what our kids have to say, and oftentimes

(29:28):
when they say something that we don't like or that
we disagree with, then we feel that it is then
our job to make them agree with us, instead of
actually listening to what it is they're saying and really
giving it, you know, the context that's necessary for us
to have empathy for what they're saying. Recently, there was
the former First Lady was on tour for her book

(29:50):
and talked about how she felt that it was not
a good idea to be friends with your kids. She
said that it puts you in a situation and where
you you're you're at the mercy of not being liked.
And I can't disagree more fervently with that. And as
much as I respect her as a woman and as
an accomplished person and her children appeared to be amazing

(30:14):
young women from what I could see from my vantage point,
I will say that, um, yeah, no, I think a
friendship is a perfect place to learn what you need
to learn from the outside world. I think that a
friendship is a place that doesn't exist just to be liked.
In fact, a friendship, a real one, exists in the opposite.
So developing a bond and a friendship with your children

(30:37):
does not exist outside of the boundaries that person would
make as a parent. It's like it's you have boundaries
with your friends too, So at the end of the day,
if you're functioning and healthy friendships. You can model that
same healthy friendship with your children. If you can't model
a healthy friendship with your children, you should probably be
looking at the health of the friendships that you have

(30:58):
outside of that, because they're probably toxic too. So I
think it's important to um just be open and listen
because first of all, listening to your children doesn't mean
that you are easy on them. Listening to your children
doesn't mean that you don't have boundaries. Listening to your
children doesn't mean that you are coddling them. Listening is

(31:19):
just listening, but understanding. You are listening so you understand
the person who you are having a relationship with. But
to Michelle Obama's defense, that was just a very black
boomer thing to say you're fifty fifty. When you're a
boomer parent, you're one or the other. Either you decide
to have that mentality or you are a friend. And
that's just just recognized that's her age group and like

(31:41):
a game before anybody beats me up about it, like
I can disagree with Michelle Obama and still here to respect.
I think that's part of the problem that we have
here and now is that we think that people aren't
certain people are not to be disagreed with publicly. And
that's not true. That's not how you grow, that's not
how you spoke, calm station. Right. But we have we

(32:02):
have to we have to get there, just like we
get into where we're listening to the kids. Right. But
I love that. I mean, just thank you again, um
tomorrow because I appreciate you even you know, asking that.
And I'm you know, wary to give advice, advice because
your children or your children m and you got to
exist and get in there and you know, got getting

(32:23):
in the mud with them, you know, and and see
how the idea of getting in the mud with where
they are, you know. Um, not that you ask me,
but I'm gonna throw this in here, and I hope
it was beneficial to you what I've taken to doing lately.
And I'm sure something I'll come up with something else later. Um,

(32:45):
just to try to make sure I connect with this
new person who has his own interests in friends and
you know, uh, all these things on new things is
I'll just go wherever he is and be if that
that means I'm looking through my phone or it means
I'm reading a book or it means I'm watching. I'll

(33:06):
watch whatever he's watching, you know. I just want to
be near him, and then I try to It's not
that it's hard, but throw a little touch in there too,
you know. Just I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, you know.
So you know, maybe that's an hour or two, you know,
I don't know. I don't think about it that way.

(33:28):
I'm like, I feel the vibe, and when it's time
to roll, I roll, you know, I'm like, Okay, I
got stuff to do, but just be in the space.
That's really nice for us. I always feel a little
more connected when I'm just like kicking it with him.
We don't even have to be doing the same thing,
but I'm in I'm in the space with you. You're

(33:50):
getting to know him the way you would a human being,
you know what I'm saying. You're observing and getting to
know him. Don't you think maybe that when kids are little, right,
spent a lot of time looking at them. Yeah, we do,
and then eventually we stopped looking at them, and then
we stopped seeing them, you know, And it's like, and
then all we see is this reflection of what we

(34:13):
have done and whether we have been successful as parents
rather than just seeing this other human beings, you know,
and if you just really be looking just looking at them.
I love that you said put it in the touch,
because again, we stopped touching each other after a while.
Mm hmm. You have an infant, you have a toddler.
You're picking them up all the time, and you're touching
them all the time. They can't pee, they can't bathe,

(34:34):
they can't do nothing without you touching them, and eventually
you go some time without touching mm hmm. I love that.
Sometimes it's more simple and more settled than we think. Right, Yeah, yeah,
I'm I'm I'm off with the simplicity of things, and
I'm not believing in keeping things as simple as possible.

(34:57):
Then they have to be convoluted. You know, we're talking
about love. We're talking about we're talking about love. Yeah,
thank you so much for leaving that message. We're gonna
take a quick break and then we'll be right back.

(35:28):
All right, who nets? Who got next? Hi? I just
wanted to say that, um. So, first of all, my
name is Trista, and I just wanted to say that
your podcast, UM titled The New Effort, was so profound
and it really resonated with me because in two thousand

(35:51):
and sixteen, I have my own hybroid surgery. Um, I
have my own my own mactomy, and it was a
life changing event. Um. I just was not prepared, and
in retrospect, I really should have done my research on
how to nourish my body as it was healing in

(36:11):
and all of the things that would come with the surgery.
And I just wanted to tell you all that I
appreciate the work that you're doing, um putting me your
experiences out there, because I know at least two or
three of my sister friends have had my own ecdomy.
And I will tell you that as a black woman,
the first thing that you're told by a doctor that's

(36:33):
not of color um is or you need to get
a hysterectomy. And I was still in my thirties when
I had my my own ectomy, and it was just
no way that I was going to do that. And
so I just really appreciate all that you're doing and
getting the word out there that we need to educate ourselves,
because I put it off for so long, you know,

(36:56):
and not really normal what was going on with me
until I finally had to get surgery, and so I
thank you all so much for what you all are doing,
and keep up the beautiful work. Take care, be blest.
Oh that was dope. Yes, yeah, I mean our club
is big. Shoot, since I did that story, I didn't shoot.

(37:20):
I got a whole new thirties something year old neighbor
and while I was recuperating, she was like, Oh, my
sister is on her her six months. She's just about
to get the clear and I am about to schedule. Mind,
I was like, good God, outlaw is this club? Girl?
This club is like one in five. I feel like
it's a one in five. STIs pretty much short, dis concerning,
but it's good to know this community. Y. Yeah, but

(37:43):
it's it's so concerning. I know. I'm like, why are
they wanting us back and forth? Thank you for sharing?
Like yah, oh yeah, I look for people. I want
to hear more about this Kamala Harris task Force. As
we move into three, I hope she comes outside more
and tells us about what's going on with that come

(38:05):
on outside Kamala epidemic levels. At this point, we agree, agreed,
it's it's it's a it's a public health emergency, and
they don't forget they come back. I was listening to
her talk about her thirties. I was like, well she
got him in her her thirties, A good chance they
you know, ten years later they're big. So luckily I'm

(38:27):
doing this word you know a few years but hopefully
if you use before menopause. But thank y'all, thank you
all for let me do that. So we figured research
research is the thing, then huh things about research stand visions?
Who do we let research us? You know, it's getting
the research. Who's gonna do it? That's why I was

(38:48):
looking forward to this whole task force situation, I mean
led by assist hopefully I know, with some some black
female doctors involved, like you know, I'm always looking for him. Yeah,
we need that know goodness, good night? Yeah, Yeah, yeah
I can assist. Hell shout out to my my sister Tera,
who's working in government to get more to get you know,

(39:09):
with the black doctors and whatnot, so we can get
more data. But at the same time making black people
feel comfortable enough to want to give the data, because
that's our thing, rightfully. So yeah, because you're always fighting
that battle between like trying to be preemptive and taking
care of yourself, but then that distrust about who you
trust to take care of you, are you gonna get

(39:32):
the care that you need? And it's and it's just
such a tough tough place to be in as as
as a black person and a person of color, particularly
around being a black woman. You know, our specific experience
is just so hard to figure that out. And even
in some instances, and I want to put this out here,
I've had friends who had a terrible experience with a

(39:52):
black female doctor. They didn't get the care they needed
till they moved on to a non black doctor. So
sometimes I think there's a there's some there's always this
thing about just finding who has your best interest their hearts.
You want to have that cultural sensitivity, but you also
want people who are not you know, um invested in
this kind of traditional way to approach. I hope that's

(40:14):
a super minority, Lord, Please let that be a super minority.
Good goodness, Mark. Yeah, I mean I think obviously, again
we don't want to speak in general general terms. Yes,
there's gonna be some situations where people don't act as expected, okay,
but and we generally do want doctors who have the
same lived experience as us, because we know that that
gives them a heads up when they're when they're having

(40:35):
certain conversations with us. But but you know, I think bigger,
even bigger than than that, that we have to feel
comfortable enough to first want to involve ourselves. Black women
have such a crazy history about being experimented on and
in the medical industry and how our bodies have been used.
So I think for us, we have to feel a

(40:56):
confident that our participation is not going to end and exploitation.
So that's just, you know, a hard pill to swaller,
but it doesn't and we gotta fight for ourselves because
people don't believe it's I literally like, y'all, this is
so crazy having this conversation. I literally was talking to
one of my best friends on the phone who's been
going through some health challenges. She was telling me. She
was like, I'm be telling these doctors that there's something

(41:16):
bigger going on with me. I can't have cancer and
seals here one day and it's going on. It's something bigger,
But they are not listening. And I'm like, damn, you
gotta come you become your own medical advocate. And it's
so yeah, so, but but be vigilant. I'm saying, stay vigilant, y'all.
Be that. Do do that. If you feel something a right,

(41:36):
speak on it and and until you know I'm speaking,
until it's addressed it. It's so tough because every time
system here, you know, I just had to, you know,
try to to to see my gun in college just recently,
and I'm on a waiting list, you know what I mean.
They're like, I can see you in April. Y'all. Hear
this word, and you ain't no first time. Just ain't

(42:00):
your first time going to see this doctor? Right, That's
usually the way for the first time visits. You know,
it can be that way. It can key exactly that way.
And urgent care, you know, you know I've got my
history with with urgent care, you know. So you know
it's like going to different communities. You've gotta get on

(42:22):
We're back on getting on the bus. We're back to
getting on the bus going to a whole other community,
a whole other neighborhood's urgent care. Because you can't just
go to the ones that are in your neighborhood. You
gotta move around if you want a second opinion, And
you should get a second opinion. It's sometimes a third
opinion as well, and it seems like urgent care is

(42:42):
the only way to get um. It ain't immediate care,
but it's it's better than waiting five months, four months.
It turns to see somebody I ain't never had urgent
care twys each waite though, I'm like, that's interesting. I've
had limitations with urgent. But we're talking about long term
care here, not that's not you can't sleep you were

(43:05):
considered yeah, emergency yes, long term no, you know, but
even once you get once you you know, there's so
many The point is there's many challenges. So that's the thing,
So that there's the challenges finding the find first of all,
being comfortable enough to seek the care, then finding the
cared in the quality of care. You know what I'm saying,

(43:31):
care listening to me, right, and then you're so many hurdles,
so many hurdles before you're actually being And that's why
we're at this epidemic level where it's like, this is
why we're here. That's how we got there. We didn't
just stumble and we can't stumble unto it. You know,
it's really and that's why You can't throw out a

(43:52):
promise like that and not back it up. So we
need to back it up. Please back it up. It
is we're dying out here, and we're living lives that
are not the lives we want to live. We're living
with pain, we're living with discomfort, We're living with things
that are absolutely causing other issues and they may not
have come out yet, but trust and believe we're not

(44:14):
having foreign objects in our bodies and in our uteruses
and not having other problems that are associated with it.
You're not about to tell me that. Yeah, make sure
when you go to the doctors, you know, ask them
to look for five roids. Yeah, be as specific as
you possibly can. You know, like I don't. If you

(44:36):
don't feel right, I's something that's not your cycling. Ain't cycling.
If your cyclane cycling and it feels off, come on,
you know you better than anybody else. That's all. As
I'm saying, fight for yourself. I know it sucks, but
it is. We only got one body. Girl. One of

(44:56):
one exam said, bo oh, shall we move onless? That's heavy? Hello,
this is Kishana and I just finished listening to y'all.
Y'all business and I had to say something I reflected immediately.

(45:17):
I felt it all in my body when I heard
the story of the grandmother and grandmother was my father.
My father stood me in front of the congregation when
I was thirteen years old, just from learning that I
was pregnant. He just learned that I was pregnant. And
I can hear you all saying, oh, there's a preacher's
kid being a preacher's kid. Well, I was a thirteen

(45:40):
year old innocent. I definitely did what I did consensually.
I didn't know what I was doing. It was my
very first time having sex, and I had to tell
my mom and my dad that I was pregnant. My
dad stood me in front of the church and says,
anyone that has any thing negative to say, keep it

(46:02):
to yourself. Tishana has a village. She will be supported.
That didn't stop and they say, as they didn't stop
him from grabbing me on the way to the restroom
to speak something negative into my ears. But it was
the support of my father and my mom who told
me that this is your child, and you will take
care of this child. And I'm your mother and I'm

(46:25):
going to show you how it was that village, my
sisters and my brother who did everything that they could
to make sure I kept going in the direction that
I wanted to go in and supported me and being
the mother that I am today. Anyway, this show is
yah y'all business. Today. I have an amazing son who's

(46:46):
a college graduate, who was a married, lovely example of
a man, and I'm a yah yah of four years.
And I remember that that first announcement that I would
be a mimi was the best appreciation I had to
God for turning that thing around that happened to me

(47:10):
when I was thirteen. Congratulations, Asia, this is going to
be the most amazing journey. God bless you. Who I
didn't know he's gonnahead to bust to tell shoes. Yeah, man,
I'm so happy to hear that that was someone else's

(47:33):
experience too, that there was support and love. I'm so
happy to hear that because I grew up as a
Jehovah's witness and I'll never forget the day. And you know,
I'm only speaking for this particular experience, but this was

(47:56):
it was remarkable to me. There was a young girl
we were standing on the corner came then I watched
hours in the wakes because that's what we did. Huh
and um, there was a girl from our congregation. I
didn't know her, but you know I saw around and
she walked by and she was pregnant and I spoke,

(48:16):
but nobody else did, and I got, you know, a
little um. Some one of the sisters grabbed me by
my my wrist and said, we don't speak to her
and I said why and they were like, well, you know,
she's she's pregnant. And I was like, well, isn't this
when she needs everybody the most. That was the day

(48:39):
I decided I wasn't going to be a Jooh's witness. Wow. Wow, Yeah,
that was the day because I just felt like, it's
it's it's not right to shun someone when they need
you the most, you know, especially at a young person

(49:00):
like a child. There there's everything in their life is
about to change and you know they need guidance and that.
I love that lunch. I'm gonna you're gonna be a mother,
and I'm gonna show you how that was. That's the
part in which my body became affected by that. But
she said how you're gonna be a mother? I'm gonna

(49:21):
show you how how how do you know? How do
you know how to so many levels to this, how
do you know how to be a mother? If nobody
shows you, right, I don't care how old you are, Right,
then then there's this thing where the shame and the
the attempt of people, and that it was in church

(49:42):
that that the dad went. We'll talk we'll talk another
time about why he felt he needed to go to
the church to say, don't say nothing slicked to my
daughter right the place where she was supposed to be
loved and where it should have been no question that
was going to be loved. Why did you have to
make a statement in front of those people, as the

(50:07):
pastor the people who should have been praying for her,
the people who should have been ever her. Why would
you didn't have to correct them, pre correct them. But
we'll talk about that another time. But my point is
that I feel like, you know, and she's this woman
is not the only person that had reached out to
me about this, about their their experiences with being supported
at times, you know, when particularly around being pregnant. We

(50:29):
like to blame women. We like to shame and blame
same and blame, shame and blame women for everything that
happens in their lives. Everything, it's the shame and blame.
Got yourself pregnant, You got yourself, yourself yourself, and it

(50:53):
be the people who posed to be so their relationship
with the all for giving, the most giving, the most
loving entity and in their universe. And then this be
the energy they want to come to you with a woman,
a person who you and I both know doesn't get

(51:14):
Every woman, every person born female, does not get the
opportunity to give birth, Every female born body doesn't necessarily
do that. So when it happens, it's something that we
should all support because we are all invested in the

(51:35):
health and the beauty of that child, not just the body,
not just the body that does it. All who witness
are responsible, All who witness are needed. You're not throwing
this in here. You may not agree, UM, but I
I fully believe this that when did you find out

(51:58):
that someone that's very young and very unprepared um, financially, emotionally,
mentally for what's happening, um, for pregnancy. You're not happy
about it? So I don't want to I don't want
to get you. I don't I'm not I'm not because

(52:19):
because being a parent is a lot and um, taking
care of someone outside of yourself is a big job,
and it seems unfair that somebody is so young would
have to take on that kind of responsibility. So you're
not happy about it, but you've got to grow up.

(52:41):
This is what has occurred, and now that person has
needs support and love and they have to they have
to learn how to do this thing. It's not optional.
I mean, children coming into the world requires sacrifice. And
so when when a child is coming to the world
and then that reflects the sacrifice that needs to be
by others, there you know they're not gonna be happy

(53:03):
about it, even in even in the sacrifice of whatever
the vision was that they had for that person's life.
They're looking at the young person who they you know,
are looking at We we tend to look at young
people and we have dreams for them. We dream a
thing for them, and then when they have babies and
they're young, a lot of times we feel that dream

(53:24):
has to die. And so therefore we have a disappointment
that sometimes outweighs even the difficulty and disappointment that they
may have. So there's a there's a lot that we
project in that moment, you know what I mean, that's
that's necessary and unnecessary, but you know from the from
the reality of it, and the things that aren't necessarily
reality is because everybody's experience will not be the same.

(53:47):
You know, some of our grandmothers were fourteen and fifteen
and sixteen years old, and had that not happened, we
wouldn't be here. Um. And that's not saying that at
that age you're ready, because the truth of the matter
is that, uh that when you're young and you have
not fully developed you know all those things. You know.
In my situation, my daughter has grown. I want to
continue to say that, but I do recognize that for

(54:10):
people when they are asked to step up and be
there for someone who was very young in that experience,
that it takes them seeing things from a certain point
of view. But I just want to shout out to
Kashawna's parents and to her father in particular, who was
brave enough and had enough loving him two understand that
his disappointment whichever whatever that was, was not the most

(54:33):
important item on the agenda for that day. Yeah, but
the disappointment was not the most important factor. You have
the right to be disappointed. You have the right. You've
invested time, energy, love into a young person and young

(54:55):
woman and young man. You've invested that time. You have
the right to feel to disappointed. But it, like A
just said, it is not the most important factor. Cool
with the y'all y'all business. More conversation after the break.

(55:25):
I think we got another one. Go ahead. My name
is Myra and I just listened to y'all y'all business,
and I can't think Asia enough. I'm a new mom
and while I'm twenty eight years old, my parents have
been really hard on me for having a baby while
I'm not married. And just hearing Asia really bringing to
the room the societal pressure is that we placed on

(55:49):
each other, and just her accepting her daughter really did
something for me. Um. I didn't know I needed to
hear this episode as much as I did, And I
thank you so much for just calling out the pressures
and how you have to show up for your child.
They're having a child themselves because of the depression that
they go through. I resonate with that, and while I'm

(56:11):
working through it now, I just I can't say thank
you enough. I had my son at thirty eight. I
think that's all I was. And I was not expecting
or happy about being a single mother. I didn't see

(56:33):
that coming. I never saw that for me. First line,
I never saw me having a child in the first place.
But then to actually have to be a single mother,
I wasn't. I wasn't. Like that kind of blew my mind.
There's a lot of things that happened, you know, when
you when you have a child, A lot of the emotions,

(56:54):
the hormones, silk making built you're making milk, like, that's
what are you talking about? So many things that are
going on inside of your body, inside of your your
mind and body experience all of the things. And I

(57:18):
was thirty eight and financially, you know, to it capable.
I'll go it capable, financially capable of doing the things.
And I had to go get myself together. I had
to go get myself together. The disappointment was so much. Now,
imagine being you know, thirteen four, to imagine being someone

(57:39):
that's still living at home with their parents and have
never really experienced, um being out on the world on
their own. Now they had the responsibility of taking care
of someone else who is so tiny, somebody else who
really can't take care of themselves at all. Yeah, I'm
you know, like putting yourself in that position is a
lot take take a moment, I think, yes, you know,

(58:05):
I yeah, I would say this. You know, Mara talked about,
you know, being unmed, being unmarried. It hurts me that
a twenty eight year old grown ass woman has to
feel some kind of way about having a baby and
not being married like that upsets me, Like I'm actually

(58:29):
I'm upset, okay, because that that bothers me so much
because again it's the the shame and blame. Right, we
talk about this situation where it's like no one is
saying and I hate this thing that happens in our
community with y'all glorifying baby mama's and you no a

(58:49):
nobody glorifying nothing. We are allowing. We are asking people
to love one another and to be in community with
one another. That's when staying toxic relationships for the sake
of for the sake of a child. Girl, Listen, let
me tell you something. Many many of our ancestors and
the women that have come before us stayed married, and

(59:11):
we're in situations with men that they should never have
been in just so that they didn't have to be
unmarried with a baby and feel that shame and feel
that shame. It's like, I need us to wake up then,
And there's a lot of women it's fine. I just
had this conversation with somebody the other day was talking
about their their thirty year old cousin who was really
concerned about finding a husband. She really wants to be

(59:34):
somebody's wife, like And some of that comes from your
boomer parents who got together in their twenties and built
them a beautiful home and had their two children, and
you know, and so you look at that, and that's
the way you Yeah, I can say this, whatever way
that your life is designed, whatever way your life is designed,
is going to be a mixture of things that you

(59:56):
have prayed for or asked for, or one to the
desired things you intentionally did and curveball that you could
have never seen coming. And at the end of the day,
we are all dealing with a mixture of those three things.
And if we approach any other person without the proper
grace and humility that should come from doing that, then

(01:00:21):
you are most definitely on the wrong side of history.
Everybody knows this about me and mine because I don't
play that ship of humanity. We're not doing that today.
But we gotta got to remember that when people like
her parents, and I think that's the best advice you
can give her in that way too. It's kind of like,
you know, not for nothing, girl, live your life, because

(01:00:41):
the life that they were taught to live is not
the true life of happiness. And that's what you know.
That's not your past, that's not everybody don't have the
same path of happiness. However, Yes, fifty years ago we
were told that this plus this equals this and that
will bring happiness. That's not the case no more. I
don't know if it ever was the case. Thank you.
Why don't we all just start being honest with these

(01:01:03):
young women women women I called to you in this moment.
Be honest with the young women in your life. Stop
lying to them, Stop lying to yourself. The life that
you are requiring them to live, not only did you
not live it, but nobody that you know lived it, okay,

(01:01:27):
And you are pressing a ideal of phony and fake
ideal onto young people that you know they can never
ever live up to. And when they find out, they're
gonna be mad at you. And I'm gonna tell you
right now, these young millennials, these gen zs, not the
young millennials, not the ones that's forty, These young millennials
and these gen zs, they are finding out that y'all

(01:01:49):
have lied to yourselves, and they're mad at you. Or
they've been lied to too, That's what I'm saying. But
they've been lied too too, So like you can be mad,
but everybody's been lied to. It all come from somewhere,
so it don't be but so mad because it comes
from an over generation. Don't take it out on them
like that because they took the ship for you. Like,
come on, everybody be paid where everybody you got the information,
You got the knowledge, all right, go ahead and do
better share because the sharing will free you. It really will.

(01:02:13):
It will really free you. You know, there used to
be a joke back in the day about um girl.
It was like, you know, it's just a joke. You know,
girls will joke about say yeah, how many partners have
you had? And they're like, you mean, how many how
many boyfriends have I hadked or how many relationships have
I had? Or that would be the joke, Like we're
not gonna talk about partners. We're gonna talk about actual relationships.

(01:02:33):
My thing is like this, whatever you have used, really
think about the things that you've done to rationalized behavior
that you hold shame about, to rationalize that way that
you say things and you hold things because of your
own particular shame, and be really careful not to project
that onto other people, especially young people, because it's not

(01:02:55):
theirs to carry. They'll have their own stuff to carry.
Just try to be mindful about allowing them to carry
your stuff. Okay, you made a mistake, Just be honest
about it when they're making a mistake. Don't get all
angry and turned up because you're still mad about your mistake.
M h Just do whatever you can do to show

(01:03:15):
love and compassion and humility, like humble yourself. Humble yourself
to yourself, m hmm, it's really okay, it's really okay.
And to my brother's out there, to my brother's out
there that are constantly in your mind. You have like

(01:03:38):
some sort of standard in your mind that you have
made up in your brain about what you think the
best kind of woman is. Right, I want you to stop,
because your mama is not that she's not the auntie
is not that your sister is not that. Everybody is
a human being and they're living this life. I wish

(01:04:02):
I had that button. Don't we get the last one agent?
And you might not deserve that. Just today I talked
to an old friend and her mother is um fully
sanctified and all the good things, you know, quote unquote.

(01:04:25):
And she found a picture of her mother sitting with
a group of people, old picture, and her mother had
a cigarette in one hand and a drinking another. Yeah yeah,
and it looked like she was having a good Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
don't get me wrong. Mother's mother's and aunties and everybody

(01:04:47):
get to change. Hey, listen, if you do that, if
the pastor made the down and you just change your life,
just don't forget it's it's not it's fine. You ain't
got to be the same person at forty that you
are at twenty. It's not even possible. Come on, shout
out to Kareema. She had already always kept her truth

(01:05:09):
around here and always said to me, I tell you know,
if I could have waited, I had you twenty eight.
But lord, you know, if I could have waited, let
me say the life not to say I have any
regrets about you, However, life could have been different. I
like the album Beautifully Human for a reason, you know

(01:05:29):
what I'm saying. Like we out here, we're living, We're
experiencing life, and there will be changes. There will be
highs and thows, like my my sister friends here have said,
and it will be curve balls that you don't expect.
But life is poor the living, and it's a beautiful thing.
Remember that. Remember that when you're when you're listening to

(01:05:51):
a young person, Remember that when you're listening to an elder.
Remember that when you're somewhere in private listening to yourself.
The update also is just for all the listeners. The
update is that my grand baby has come into the
world healthy. On October nineteen, two thousand and twenty two, one,

(01:06:13):
Mr Reverie was born. And she is absolutely fantastic and
her mother is an absolutely fantastic mother, and she did
the damn thing and I was so proud of her,
and I'm still proud of her, and I will always
be proud of her. And sometimes I'm still gonna let

(01:06:35):
her ask know what it is because she's my daughter
and she's my friend, and I keep it real with
my daughter and my friends and my daughter friends, and
that is what it is. I love y'all, seriously, my family.
There was something in me. Just here. I hear a
loud clapping to clapping from his simmer. So you be

(01:07:01):
proud of you hate your creating. She was so in
the mix. She because she remains in the mix, so
in the mix. And I'm proud to have had her
as a mother and I just a girl. It's a thing.
It is a whole thing. It's a thing to see
a thing be full circle. To see my child give

(01:07:24):
birth in a room that she has known since she
was two years old. To stand there and watch my
grandchild come into the world, to actually watch her come
into the world like I saw that, you know, and
to have helped my daughter through that process is everything

(01:07:46):
I can't you know. And I have other daughters. This
might not be the first time, it won't be the
last time, god willing, but I'm telling you that first
time that was everything. That's everything. So yeah, yeah, I
feel grateful, deeply grateful, And I'm grateful for my whole

(01:08:07):
village and everybody who takes time to to be there
for all of us. So thank you, Auntie Jill and Auntil.
Yeah for the lovely love that y'all have given this process.
Thank you for sharing your experiences women, sister friends, Thank

(01:08:28):
you for sharing your experiences. You you. I grow because
of you, and I know because of you, and I
noticed like like a childhood like you know, elementary rhyme,
but it's it's it's real ship. It's just real ship.
I love it said, he said, you got the ways
of words. Shout out to edge. You do? You do?

(01:08:50):
You do? Shout way of explaining things because girl, whether
in elementary school, rhyme or prose or whatever, it's all beautiful.
Thank you so so much. I appreciate good, appreciate you guys.
Thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Ill
the podcast and as always we have conversations, just spark conversation.

(01:09:15):
Appreciate it. How do you eat an elephant? One by it? Kind? Hey, listeners,
it's Amber the producer here. As you can tell, we
love hearing from you, whether it's a comment on a
social media post or a voicemail in our inbox. We

(01:09:39):
love to hear from you. Give us a call anytime
at eight six six, hey jail and leave us a message.
Talk to you soon. Hi, if you have comments on

(01:10:01):
something that you said in this episode called eight six six, Hey, Jill,
if you want to add to this conversation that's eight
six six nine five four five by don't forget to
tell us your name and the episode you're referring to.
You might just hear your message on a future episode.
Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Ill.

(01:10:24):
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