September 15, 2022 • 43 mins
It's the season 5 finale of Katie's Crib! To wrap up the season, Katie brings in “Crazy Ex Girlfriend” co-creator and star Rachel Bloom to share what it was like stepping into motherhood for the first time during a pandemic.
The comedian reflects on the paradoxical experience of welcoming her daughter into the world around the same time as losing her close friend due to COVID-19. Rachel and Katie also talk couples therapy, intrusive thoughts, and why they're both team epidural.
Plus, Rachel has strong feelings around breastfeeding in public. Tune in for her pointed (and hilarious) message!
Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins
Producer & Editor: Casby Bias
Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio
in partnership with I Heart Radio. Having a kid is
so fucking hard. I mean one day I was like
losing my mind. My daughter was very, very upset. She's screaming,
she headbutted me in the face, and then thirty minutes
(00:22):
later she was playing in a fountain and watching her
it was like I've never felt such joy. Hi everybody,
and welcome back to Katie's Crib. Wow, it is shockingly
(00:45):
about that time again. That's right. This is the season
five finale of Katie's Crib. And I'm in shock because
I can't believe it's been five seasons. And really I'm
just so freaking grateful and want to say thank you
to you all for listening. Thank you, thank you, thank
(01:07):
you with all of my heart. Two was a absolutely
wild year. I've got two kids that are like just
not babies anymore. They're growing up, they're asking the hard questions,
they're becoming little humans themselves. And thanks to Katie's Crib,
I get to take out all my questions and concerns
(01:30):
and thoughts here on this podcast with all of you
and all of our amazing experts and mamas who are
experiencing similar things to just come on, be together and
help me learn what the heck I am doing. My
Katie's Crib community has been such a source of inspiration
and support this year. And you know what else is
(01:51):
hilarious and what I love so much about all of
you listeners is that for all the people who come
up to me and fans of Scandal and Inventing Anna
fans all of that, it's really the Katie's Crib listeners
that I feel the most connected to and just find
myself laugh crying in the streets. Katie's Crib people will
(02:12):
come up to me and be like a great, great, great, yeah, fine,
Scandal amending Anna. No, really, Katie's Crib. It's what's gotten
me through some of the most difficult, challenging and rewarding
and hard times of my life. And I find myself
just hugging and I get it. I feel like we're
all in this together, and I'm truly just so appreciative.
It means so much to me how you all continue
(02:33):
to tune in every week. You're all awesome. Thank you.
Now to wrap season five up, the guests that I
have here for you all today is the one and
only Rachel Bloom. Rachel Bloom. I have been such a
fan of her since she came onto the scene in
her show Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I think she's a force.
(02:55):
And when I saw on her Instagram that she was
pregnant and sharing and all of that, I was like,
Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, we got to get
around Katie's crib. She's a great guest and I'm so
happy to have her. As the season five finale, she
talks about the experience of giving birth around the same
time that a dear friend of her has died due
to COVID nineteen and how that affected her entire experience.
(03:18):
She talks about her breastfeeding journey, how her daughters style
of breastfeeding. She actually calls it a piranha, which I
can definitely relate to. She talks about how parenting is
like living in New York, how it's got, you know,
all those highs and all those lows, and also how
her daughter once head budded her in the face. So
it's a very enjoyable episode. If you don't know who
(03:38):
Rachel Bloom is, she's an actress, comedian, writer, singer, songwriter
and producer. She's best known for co creating and starring
as Rebecca Bunch in the c W musical comedy drama
series Crazy Ex Girlfriend. She's received numerous awards, including a
Golden Globe Award and a t c A Award in
the Critics Choice Television Award. In a Prime Time Emmy,
she was featured in Trolls World Tour opposite to Kendrick
(04:00):
and Justin Timberlake. Her other feature voice over credits include
Columbia Pictures, Angry Birds, to Warner Brothers Animations, Batman Versus
Teenage Turtles, and Netflix's Extinct. Two fifteen, Rachel married actor,
comedian and writer Dan Gregor. She gave birth to her
first child, Rachel. Welcome to Katie's crib. I'm a fan.
(04:25):
Like I'm a real fan of yours. Oh my gosh,
thank you. Likewise, I just think you're the ship. And
I don't know if you remember this, but one time,
like a night before fancy Hollywood bullshit party, that's really fun.
It's actually the most fun one because it's the night
before party. I think it's the night before the Emmys.
We were crossing each other's paths on the way in
(04:48):
or out of the bathroom. And I don't know if
I said at the time that I just think you're
so fucking wildly talented, please live, did I? So a
couple of things happened that night that might have blocked
this out, which is one of my agents basically convinced
my husband to be okay with having a kid, Like
he made my husband cry at this party. That's big, yes.
(05:12):
And then I think this was a party where I
was smoking a cigarette, which I rarely do, but I
was like fuck it and Mandy Patinkin told me to stop.
I think what was maybe this one? So there were
things that happened at this this party because it was
the only time I went that might have blocked out
(05:34):
your kind words for my memory. Well, if there was
ever going to be a thing, let it be both
of those. And also, I'm here to tell you now
I'm a massive fan and thank you. That party is insane,
Like it's just really wonderful because it's where actors feel
(05:54):
we get gussied up, and there's good food. Like my
husband just as obsessed because there's like a lobster roll
bar and he just like sits and eats all fucking
night long. But it's like, I do think everyone feels
a little bit more comfortable to like smoke a cigarette
or whatever because there isn't like a roaming photographer or
it just feels like a little bit I don't know
(06:16):
if you could say safer, but it just feels I've
had like I had the fortunate um we got to
go with Scandal for a bunch of years, and it
was just like always like where I could fan out
the most because in such a TV head like I
don't really understand movies or care that much about them,
but I fucking love television and I always have. And
so when I get to go to that party, I'm like,
(06:38):
it's every guest that I love, including Rachel bloom Um,
who we have so many friends in coming. I'm just
so glad to have you on. But actually, this Night
before Hollywood Shenanigan story brings me to my first question,
which is you gave birth to your child during COVID
(06:58):
at the same time close close friend of yours passed
away due to COVID, and I think it's really weird
that the same a party where someone told you not
to smoke, maybe so that you wouldn't die is the
same night that your husband decided that you may have kids.
And I just think that when you become a mom,
it's like death thoughts all the time. And I can't
(07:20):
even and that. And that's coming from someone who didn't
have a good friend die of COVID. So explained to me,
do you have this sick local life death thoughts all
the time? Like I do? I do? And I'm actually
I've been. I'm working on a live show that I
hope to be a film special literally about that that
which is the experience of giving birth. I gave birth
(07:44):
late March. The night I gave birth, I found out
Adam was sick. I didn't know Adam was sick um
and then he basically died the day after we took
her home from the hospital because she was also in
the nick you And so it was this huge wall
of of a death and sickness awareness at once and
(08:05):
a big question. And what the show I'm working on
is about, how do I live my life knowing that
death is real? Knowing I always knew death was real,
but like knowing you know, like on a heart level,
that death is real and can come any time, but
also not having it paralyzed me. And it was yeah,
(08:26):
I mean it was extremely traumatic. It was extremely formative. Uh.
And it's funny. I talked to other moms who who
gave birth during this time, but because things were changing
so much, if you gave birth between like mid March
and like June, your experience might not be the same
(08:51):
as as someone else. Like so, for instance, there were
fathers banned from delivery rooms. And I actually got induced. Uh.
My doctor basically was like, look, we don't know what
is going to happen. If the hospitals here anything like
New York, we are going to get inundated with patients.
So I want to get you in and out of
(09:12):
the hospital as quick as possible. Now, what ended up
happening was unrelated to me getting induced. My daughter was
in the Nike You. She ended up staying in the
hospital for five more days, and I was I was
really kind of freaking out because COVID was ramping up
and by then I knew Adam was sick, and it
was really it was so weird they still didn't have
us masking in the Nike You. It's really weird. So
(09:35):
so when when I gave birth, it was so early
in COVID. I wore a mask into the hospital, my
first time wearing a mask anywhere. I took off my
mask the second we got to the maternity floor. I
wasn't masked when I gave birth. When when my daughter
was in the nike I didn't have to wear a mask.
I had to wash my hands. It was the hand
washing thing. I didn't wear a mask around my daughter,
(09:58):
but I had to like do the whole scrub scrub,
scrub your thumb, scrubby wrists thing. And then my husband
and I couldn't be in the nikkei at the same time.
That was the COVID regulation that came in. And then
by the time we left the hospital, but my daughter
was still in the nikke you, my husband could not
go back in the hospital period. So my husband didn't
see my daughter for until she came until she got home.
(10:22):
I just like, there's so much death around us, and
it's really hard to like buy in and you gotta start.
And I got my start with my baby too. Like
you know, I had the experience where I was waiting
in line with pregnant women, like praying for someone to
give us a vaccine, and my O b because it
(10:45):
wasn't the vaccines, weren't being pregnant, women were not considered
high risk yet um in terms of people who were
allowed to get vaccinated, and it started to get out that,
oh my gosh, if you could get a vaccine, that
might help your baby not get COVID. I mean, anyway
we have we are all at this moment living to
tell this story, and it's just traumatic. I think what
(11:09):
we're all realizing too, is that the past years where
there was no pandemic was kind of an anomaly that
more of human history than not our war and pandemics.
So I think that we're especially shocked because when you
don't have hardship and you're in a period of relative
(11:32):
like economic boom and safety, to be sincere about things
is not cool. You want to like talk about the
fucking darkest ship, and that's not the way life is anymore.
Things have cycled back to I mean chaos, which seems
(11:52):
to be the stasis more often than not. Yeah, I
think we were all like someone came over my house
for life fourth and she was like, oh, I'm just realizing,
like it was like it was all a lie, but
we were like living in it for so long I
mean I definitely was. But to your point, like Shonda
Rhymes when she did Scandal, I mean, she's been on
(12:13):
record saying like, you know, I don't know how long
Scandal would have lasted, but she was the one she
made the decision that the show was ending and there
were no more stories to tell. But it was because
she's saying, you know, political shows really do well and
exist when the lights are on, uh in d C
(12:34):
and when things seem you know, like if you look
at when west Wing was on, I was just about
to say west Wing being a liberal wet dream, right exactly.
And same with Scandal, she was like the minute the
world when a different direction. She and all of a sudden,
it seemed like the d C we were telling about
(12:54):
was not even close to as bad as what was
really going on. It just didn't seem fun anymore. Um. Now,
talking about your husband, going back to that point, did
he not always want to be a parent and someone
convinced him at that party? And did you always want
to be a parent, Like it was a process. He
wasn't totally convinced at that party. So my husband and
(13:15):
I've been together almost fourteen years, and so we talked
about kids a lot. We were always talking about kids.
I haven't actually an old A O L I AM
conversation from when we were just friends, because we've known
each other for like seventeen eighteen years, and so we
were having an I AM conversation. I like went I
went in a while ago printed out all of our
(13:36):
old A O L conversations and I'm so glad I
did in some of our old G chats, and we
have like an early conversation where we were just friends
talking about like baby names. I don't know why. It
was just it was so random, and I was fully
not dating him. In fact, I was dating one of
his friends, so it makes no sense. But umlass, yeah,
(13:57):
my husband, he wasn't like never ever, but he's like,
I'm edging towards no. I could be convinced. You'd have
to like really convince me, and I was mildly on
the side of yes, but it wasn't part of my
kind of future identity. I wasn't like I want to
(14:18):
be a mom. It was just it was more of
a I think I want that for myself someday. But
you could also convince me no. So we both kind
of always saw both sides. I was more positive, he
was more negative, but we were kind of in that
middle road, and then he kind of stayed where he was.
I got a little more I want this, I want this,
I want this is frankly, I felt my biological clock
(14:41):
kicking and also crazy X was a majority mom's writer's room.
My writing partner, Lean is twenty years older than I am.
She's too now grown kids, and so I spent I
started to spend a lot of time practically with moms
in the workplace and seeing no, no no, no, you keep
your identity while also having kids, and I hadn't. I
(15:04):
just hadn't worked with moms much, and so that was
also It was definitely a factor, and I don't know,
I got him on board, and then I got pregnant
right away. He thought we'd be having fun trying for
six months. I got pregnant on the first cycle, poor guy. UM.
(15:25):
And then he found out he we were having a girl,
and he was that really helped. He really wanted a girl,
um for many reasons. And you know, he wasn't wrong.
It's really fucking hard, like we were both right. I
was right that I wanted to feel that love and
have that have that experience, and he was right that
(15:48):
it was going to change our fundamental dynamic in our
lives and be really hard. We were both right. It's
both things, and it's why I think a lot of
people who have kids suddenly become those people who were like,
at everyone has to have kids, or you're not having kids?
Why are you having kids? And I think there's a
little death protest too much in that, because I think
it's maybe the people who do that either they really
(16:09):
really love their kids and they want for everyone, or
they're trying to continue to tell themselves a story that yes,
having this was the right thing to do when everyone
needs to do this. I never tell anyone to have
a kid, but I'm trying to put myself in that
person's shoes, where if I was trying to bargain someone
to like not miss that boat. It's because I'm praying
that when I get to the end of my life
(16:29):
and I can really look at it, whenever that is,
and that split second, I will have said, I'm so
grateful I made that choice. I'm so grateful I was
a mom to somebody. I'm like you, I see all
sides of it. I'm like there are some days where
this is the best fucking thing ever. And there are
some days where I'm like, I cannot get on a
(16:50):
plane with a fake identity and like a different boyfriend
and like just do it different, like because this is
so fucking hard. Having a kid is so fucking hard.
I mean, one day I was like losing my mind.
My daughter was very, very upset. She was screaming, she
head butted me in the face, and then thirty minutes
(17:14):
later she was playing in a fountain and watching her
it was like, I've never felt such joy. It's like
I compared to living in New York the highs or
highs and the lows are low. Yes, it's harder than
we thought, but we went into this knowing it would
be hard. And so I mean, I've been thinking about
this a lot lately. Like I think a lot of
(17:36):
the world's problems are caused by people becoming parents who
shouldn't be parents, and then they emotionally and or physically
abuse their children. Uh, and then there these children are
humans and adults walking amongst the world who haven't dealt
with that horrible trauma and now they're awful. Yes, Like,
because you know the world is the world is bad
(17:56):
because of trauma, right, and being parents who shouldn't be
parents UM is one of the big traumas. And so like,
I'm amazed that you have to take a test to
drive a car, but there's no test to become parents,
or there's no like required class. It's insane. It's totally
insane and the quickest way I feel like why being
(18:18):
a parent. One of the many reasons why parenting is
hard is because anything you haven't worked out or looked
into or looked at about yourself, ah, a light is
shine on it, even more so with your child, Like
if you have people pleasing issues, or if you have
(18:41):
rage issues, or if you have patients issues, or if
you have a horrible relationship with your parents. I mean
just all of it is accentuated come to light even
further by this child that you've been given UM, And
so you've got to work out your own ship if
you want to be a good parent. Really, I mean really, Oh,
(19:03):
my husband and I did couples therapy when we decided
to get pregnant, just just to like preemptively do it,
and then we were doing it all throughout us pregnant,
like just to do it just to like talk through issues,
talk through Okay, what's our family philosophy? It was awesome, right,
Like you don't learn until you get there. But you're like, oh,
(19:23):
are we those parents that like fight in front of
our kids? Do we not fight in front of our kids?
Do we raise our voices? Do we not raise our voices?
Do we sit down to a dinner table? Do we not?
What happens when the child asks if there's a god?
How do you talk to your children about death? I mean,
all of this ship is like big stuff that a
lot of times you don't even really have these conversations.
(19:45):
A lot of people don't have these conversations with their
significant other or partner if there is a partner in
this with them. Uh in how to raise a person
totally shifting gears, How was your pregnancy, I'd say six,
(20:09):
you know, which is about where you and your husband
were in the pro and five exactly, I would say sixty, good, forty.
I never threw up. I don't throw up easily. I
was so nauseous all the time for the first three
and a half four months, and then I got pretty
bad back problems, back pain starting at six months to
(20:32):
where I had to like carry around a cushion, a
personal cushion everywhere we went. I couldn't. Basically, I needed
something to be bolstering the small of my back. You've
always been a larger size in the breast department, and
then I'm sure with pregnancy and breastfeeding that did not
help any back situation. No. So, so it was interesting
(20:55):
because I always had big boobs, but but I wasn't
unhappy with them. I wasn't like I always had big
boobs and I and yeah, there were like pains and
I did a song called heavy Boobs and I joke
about it. But like I never wanted a reduction or
craved reduction. When I got pregnant started breastfeeding, I went
from a double triple D to a G very fast,
(21:16):
and and the way that my G was it was
just no shape anymore. And I have a short torso,
so when you put a shapeless G on a short torso,
my breasts were down in my belly button. And I
was like, I can't, I can't live my life like
so I had a reduction pretty soon. I mean I
(21:38):
had a reduction. Mm hmm. It was it was like
a year and a half after I gave birth, Wow,
and it was great. How was breastfeeding? How was that
journey for you? I had a very drama free breastfeeding journey.
I only ever made about four ounces. Um, and my
daughter was They were like, I took a like quiz
(21:58):
one time, what what style of us feeding as your baby?
In her style was called piranha, which is that the
second she you put her on the nipples, she just
went on ringing, and so she was so hungry, so
very quickly I started supplementing with formula just because I
even at my fullest, I only ever made four ounces.
But but I made and I'm actually still lactating in
(22:20):
my left boob. If I squeeze really hard, I can
still get a drop out. It's real weird. Oh yeah.
I was with someone who will remain nameless, who hasn't
breast been in like seven or eight years, and we
were just like squeezing our nipples next to each other
in a bathroom because I had a clog, and she
just like squeezed out this like green fucking ooze, and
I just was like green, that's like the body is insane.
(22:43):
The body is so weird. Green. That's interesting, dark, deep
like Kale Green. Yeah, I don't know. It's like super colostrum, right,
I think, So, how is your actual labor? I had
had this thing. I I basically had I guess what
you'd call Braxton Hicks because every time in my last
(23:04):
two months of pregnancy, every time I had to go
to the bathroom, I'd start getting up cramps like contractions,
And then every time I went to the bathroom, I'd
get cramps again. It was just I think the way
that the bladder putting pressure maters, so I was getting induced.
The first thing they do before they give you the
potoson is they give you a sailin. They just they
(23:26):
hydrate you with fluids. So what this do was it's
supercharged my bladder. It made me feel like I was
already going into labor, like I couldn't tell. I was like, wait,
am I going into labor right now? Because they it
was filling my bladder. I kept having to disconnect my
wires go to the bathroom. Finally, I tried to fall
asleep on a bedpan trying to get there, like trying
(23:48):
to get some They were like trying to get some
sleep before you go into labor. And this was like
three am. I checked in midnight. At this point it's
three thirty am. I tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep.
I went up to go to the bathroom one more
time and then the contraction started kicking in from the
potosan and it felt like someone kicked me in the back.
Within twenty minutes, I had the epidural. I knew I
(24:10):
wanted the epidural. They came in and they were like,
what's your pain goal? And I and I was like two.
And they're like, okay, so you wanna have a little pain.
I was like, can I say zero? Because I never
I was never one of those people who was like, no,
I'm going for natural birthway. My husband said something interesting,
which is and this is controversial, but he said that
women opting for no pain relief during childbirth. It's the
(24:34):
equivalent of guys being like, how much can you bench? Bro?
There's a there's a pride in how much pain you felt.
That is a way I think some women lord over
other women. For me, I have a very low pain tolerance.
I am not having a baby to give birth. Epidurals
are wonderful. They're very effective, they're very safe and very calm.
And so I always knew I wanted an epidural. Um.
(24:57):
The epidural was painful. I mean, I mean I knew it.
I kind of basically, I didn't read up on how
painful and epidural was because I knew it would be painful. Um.
But I remember, right before getting the epidural, and I
was in labor, I said to my husband, I'm only
doing this once, as if he was the one who
pushed me to have a baby. He was like, okay, yeah.
(25:21):
And then I got the epidural. Oh, and then they
put a cafeter in me. Did you feel that? Oh?
My god, no, I didn't you so relieved because you
didn't stop worrying about belief. I fell asleep and there
was a bag around my ankle filling with piss and
I loved it. And my doctor woke me up to
(25:41):
break my water, and then she woke me up again
to be like, you're dilated. You need to start pushing.
So I was like, so, I like, I woke up
to push. My labor was twenty minutes when I started
actually pushing. Uh, And which is interesting because they say
epidurals extend labor. So my doctor was like, ha, do
you not at the epidural, it might have gone even
(26:02):
like faster, which is crazy. Um. And then my daughter
was born with fluid inter lungs. And it's hard because,
like I sometimes blame myself. I'm like, oh, was my
labor short because I had an epidural? Did I do
that to her? Did her lungs get not expressed enough fluid?
And it's like, no, that this happens to babies all
the time. It's a thing called T t N, which
(26:23):
stands for transitory. It's where in your baby as fluid
and their lungs And that was crazy. That's my labor
T t N, which again, what is that stand for? Again,
I've actually never heard the technical medical term. Yeah, T
t N here, I'm gonna look it up right now.
Transient tack to kypnea of the newborn. Oh. I see
(26:47):
after delivery as a baby breeze for the first time,
the lungs fell with air and more fluid is pushed out. Um.
Babies with T t M have just extra fluid in
their lungs. Um. And it's specifically called transient because it
doesn't last long and doesn't have any effect on development.
When she came out, was it obvious right away that
she was having a hard time breathing and there was
(27:07):
fluid in the lung? Yeah, yeah, I have it on.
I actually have it on, and it's like and it's
like you can tell she's going like I mean, like,
that's my impression of a baby trying to cry. I
didn't know because I had nothing to compare to. But
my doctor knew instantly. Was she bluish so purple just
(27:28):
just which I already knew she'd be, because like babies
coming out are pretty purple in general, but like she
was like purple. Wow, how what a wild wild I
can't imagine just being in COVID and like having this problem,
with this feeling of like wanting to just get your
(27:49):
baby out of there. Maybe if the hospital was proving
seeming like something that was like not a safe place
to be in. Each pass an hour and day less
and less, so it was getting very stressful. So so
she was in the NIKE for five days. And then
I had a psychiatrist at the time who has since died,
which is a whole other presence of death in my life. Um,
(28:10):
my psychiatrist knew the head of the hospital, and he
was like he was like, what does your daughter have Again?
I was like, she was t TN and he's like, hump,
why are they keeping her? I was like, I guess
to rule out infection and he's like, I think they're
keeping her as a formality. He's like, you need to
get her. You should get her out of the hospital soon.
Let me call the head of that He knew the
head of the hospital. So because my psychiatrist knew the
(28:32):
guy around this hospital, I think they went to college together. Um.
I got her out two days sooner. Wow. Wait, speaking
about your psychiatrists, this is another thing I really want
to talk to you about. So you you were on
medication I'm not sure which one, but previously before getting pregnant. Yeah, yeah, prozac.
(28:55):
I just want to talk to being on medication during pregnancy,
during breastfeeding, and how you came to that decision, what
your support team of professionals looked like, etcetera. No one
ever said I should go off, I asked my psychiatrist,
I asked my O B du I N. I guess
if i'd maybe been on a higher dosage. I'm on
(29:15):
ten milligrams of prozac, which is kind of the minimum dose.
Maybe if i'd been on higher dosages, they would have
talked about scaling back. But not only are s SR
eyes which stand which are antidepressants. It stands for I
believe selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Uh not only are they
do they not affect a baby, but but the but
(29:36):
the risk, The thing you want is for a calm
mother S SR eyes helped that. So I was never
counseled to go off the whole time. Did you feel
any postpartum depression anxiety at all considering you were dealing
with also a death of a friend or was it
almost too I don't even know. I don't know. I mean,
(29:58):
here's the thing is, I don't I think I had
postpartum anxiety. I really I also had like pre part
of anxiety. I've always had trouble with so I have
generalized anxiety disorder, which can sometimes go into intrusive thinking
which crosses into O c D land. So during big
periods of my life, whether it be good or bad,
(30:20):
just I will sometimes get intrusive thoughts because my brain
goes to like, I don't know, my brains in high
anxiety mode, and so it goes into intrusive thoughts because
that's just how my brain chemistry works sometimes. So I
did have some intrusive thinking. Around the time I gave
I had some depression, especially my first trimester. The nausea
(30:43):
didn't help. And then I had some heightened anxiety around
the time I gave birth, and then Adam died and
we were in a pandemic, and I was depressed and
I had a newborn. So I can't really, I can't
tell you. It was just all really confusing. Okay, So
March twin to me, so she's she's over to now,
(31:05):
so she's over too. Was there ever a moment where
you woke up and you felt like yourself through all
of that, like you ever were like a year and
a half have gone by and you're like, I'm starting
to I mean, yeah, pockets, there were always pockets of that.
(31:27):
They're always pockets of feeling like myself. I think that
the journey has been integrating the two. A part of
my brain that is a mother and caring for my
child feels like a completely different part of my brain
than who I am is like a writer and after performer,
a friend. Even sometimes I feel that way. Do they're
(31:48):
just kind of apples and oranges, and it's why like
when we had moms in the Crazy ex Writer's room,
we had like a baby room, and I was like
surprised they didn't bring their kids in more. But now
I get it because it's two different parts of your brain,
almost especially when your kids are really little. Yeah, it's
it's so romanticized in my head that I always have
(32:10):
my kids if I'm were you know, I just worked
on a project that it was like, you know, I
was working eighteen hour days for a month, and of
course I have my kids visit as much as possible,
but I always realize it's like that's like it's just
not great because my mind is in a different place
when you're working and you're in that sort of vibe
(32:31):
and it's like there, it's it's it's hard when you're
when you get your thirty minute lunch break and I
just go into I'm like, okay, just meeting my trailer
and let me do thirty minutes of like mommying, like
I'm gonna breastfeed he and I'm gonna make him feel
connection and all this ship and it's like it's just
they are two different parts of my being in a way.
They function differently, and to sort of cram one into
(32:53):
the other is probably why your writers weren't bringing them
in the room more. Yeah, you just it's just two
different It's just it's two different things. And I think
I'm slowly integrating the part of myself. I also was
isolated for for a year because of COVID, So like
I very again, like I can only talk about my
(33:16):
experience as I had it. I'd be interested in the
parallel universe where COVID didn't happen, what it was like
for me, because when everyone locked down, I was locked
down with a baby, and no one really met her.
People would come to our front yard and see her outside,
but but like most people didn't meet her until she
(33:38):
was over a year, and in fact, there was just
um oh, she was a flower She was a flower
girl at my friend's wedding, and it was the first
time some people met her, and that finally almost felt
like a coming out party of like, hey, everyone, I
have a kid now, Like I felt like I went
to hibernation and came out with a kid. So I'm
(33:58):
slowly integrating those two parts of of myself. And it's
because they're just they're just two different things. Were you
right in the in the in when you were giving
(34:20):
birth to your daughter and you said, this is the
only time I'm doing this. Do you still feel that way? Yeah,
I think we're a one and done situation. I mean,
I could be wrong, but for numerous reasons, I think
the best version of our family is having one um.
Part of the way I sold my husband on it
is like, let's do this one time. Let's have this
beautiful one time experience. And then, aside from everything else,
(34:44):
I gotta say, the circumstances of her birth, through no
fault of hers, were fucking traumatic and I don't really
want to go through that again. I think it would
be reliving some trauma in a way. But but aside
from everything, I think we're a one in done And
I was an only child, so that's a template I know.
And she's the best. I love her. We're wrapping up,
(35:07):
but I really want to talk to you because my
mom I read something that you. Your mom made you
play an instrument. I believe there was something in your
house of like Mozart saying you'll thank me one day, kid,
or oh my god. Yes, I don't know where you
read that, but yes, we had yes. And you know,
(35:27):
we pick and choose whatever things we were raised with
that we agree or disagree, or pass on or don't.
But one of the things you are passing on is
that you would like your daughter to play an instrument.
It doesn't matter which one, but she's got to play something.
And my mom made me play piano till I was eighteen.
Oh my god. We used to fucking fight Rachel fucking
Hem and Hall like please every single fucking day, joke,
(35:51):
I mean not every day, every Tuesday for fucking thirteen years.
Joe comes over at five thirty is me at six
o'clock was my brother, and she fucking forced us. And
I have to say, I'm so you are right. You win.
Your mom wins, My mom wins. I don't know what
else better I thought I would be doing at that time,
(36:12):
that I have like a nice parlor trick in my
back pocket, that I can fucking play a piano and
I can read a note, and like I have that
other language and I have that as it's such a gift.
I wish she had done the same thing for the language.
To be honest, I like, you know what I mean,
Like now, I'm like shit, I know, I feel a
little guilty. I thought, Oh, I'll raise her bilingual or whatever. No,
(36:33):
or all just speaking English. So are you hoping for
a instrument or do you really not care? I don't care.
She really likes playing our piano. We have two pianos
in the house. She loves playing them. I gotta say
she's already matching pitch. If I sing a song, she's
already singing. Or my kids, And let me tell you,
(36:54):
I was fucking relieved. I think that's genetic. Also, someone
will remain nameless on Scan. But we were a big
singing cast on Scandal. It's so funny because such a
dramatic show. But as soon as they would call cut
on any single world, we were all singing at all times.
And my favorite, one of my favorite people on the
show is incredibly tone deaf, like for real, like cannot
(37:16):
hit a note that anyone around them is singing. It's insane,
and I'm I'm feeling I felt really great when I
sing a song or my husband sings a song, and
our son can just match whether we modulate or whatever.
He's like, there, aren't we relieved? Oh my god, I'm
so relieved. One of the potential names. This isn't her name,
but one of the potential names we had for at
one point was Melody. And then my Alean pointed out,
(37:39):
She's like, that is just asking for a child to
be tone deaf. Really really, you're right, I'm not gonna
curse her with that. But she loves that. And then
we have a little toy guitar she loves playing, So
I'm fine with whatever. Why is it so important to
you that she does play something? I think what you're
saying it's it's just the skill that you can always have.
(38:02):
I think it helps you. Music is another language, and
I think it's a very important language. And to just
be keyed into what that language is, I think it
extends to so many other things in life, and then
you can like bust out, you know, good riddance to
the party. Hell yeah, walking in Memphis or some ship
(38:23):
that's my husband's always go to. Um okay, very quickly,
where does religion come to play in your household? Uh? Well,
I wanted the age where the kid is like asking
lots accused. I mean I wanted to know ifive for
some more than I do. I wanted to do the holidays,
I wanted to understand the culture because my husband and
(38:44):
I are both Jewish, and but it's it's a cultural thing,
got it. Yeah, it's a cultural tradic You want to
give her traditions that you enjoyed and loved and partook
and would like to actually know more about. I was
raised pretty secular, to be honest. So I think there's
a there's a happy medium between how I was raised,
which is like, I mean, I don't regret it, but
(39:06):
I dropped out of Hebrew School when I was around
eight because I wanted to do theater on the weekend,
so I wasn't bough mitzvah. So I was raised very secular.
My husband was raised he would say conservatives. He went
to Yeshiva until he was thirteen. He kept Kosher until
in college. He rapped, you know, he prayed every day.
He rapped to fill in so some some some medium
(39:27):
and he and he would say technically conservative, but compared
to I think Los Angeles Jews, it's technically like conservati
docs but like they call it conservative, but like also
he's rapping to fill in um. So I think the
happy medium between those things. Breastfeeding in public, did you
don't you did you care? Oh my god, I have
(39:49):
a little balcon I have a balcony in my house
that overlooks the entire street. The amount of people who
must have seen my tips had they just looked up?
I don't care. You're such an exhibitionist. You just are
have you always? Uh? Well, I don't go around showing
my tits normally, although I did go topless at Radio
City Music Hall, So I guess I am um, No,
I just it's just if your breastfeeding, it's how your
(40:11):
kid is fucking eating. It's just they're not sexual objects anymore.
It's like this is this is my kids, Fawcett, Fuck
you yea and fun and fuck you for not being
able to control your fucking boner because that's what it is. Yeah,
it's your fucking problem. It's not my fucking problem. It's
not my problem. It's not my problem that you're such
(40:31):
a monster that you can't control your fucking boner around
me doing with my breasts what they're like naturally supposed
to be doing. Like, it's control your boner because I'm
feeding my baby, you weirdo. I'm so grateful that you
made time to come on Katie's Crib. I'm so interested
(40:53):
to hear about the project in your show you're working
on for I'm gonna put my email. I'm gonna put
my email in the chat to you right now. Okay, great.
I want everyone to listen and look out for whatever
you're working on that is about the local nature of
life and death and motherhood. Yeah. Check it out. It's
like a live show. I'm doing a live show. Yeah.
(41:16):
Oh yeah, yeah, it's like a live special I'm working on.
When is that, uh it goes up. I've been putting
it up at this theater Dynasty Typewriter, So it goes
up next July sevent and then it'll go up again
in August and then again in September, and I've just
been kind of doing it. Non negotiable. Must come everyone listening,
(41:37):
if you're listening in this airs of that time, everyone
must go. Um finish this sentence, Rachel Bloom. Parenthood is
parenthood is living in New York City. The highs or
highs and the lows are low. Brilliant answer we've never had.
It makes perfect sense to me. Um. Thank you so
(41:57):
much for coming on Katie's Crib. This was such a
joy and I hope you have a wonderful uh time
putting your kid down tonight and on your family dog walk.
Thank you, thank you for having me all right, guys, Wow,
we did it. That's it. That's our last episode of
season five. Thank you to all my awesome guests this
(42:21):
season for being so brave and for sharing your personal
experiences and advice. And always thank you listeners for subscribing
and spreading the word about Katie's Crib. Yes, the season
maybe ending, but don't you worry season six who We'll
be coming at you in There's so many more topics
to explore and share it. In the meantime, be sure
to email me the names of guests that you want
(42:43):
to hear from or topics that you'd like me to
talk about. You can always reach me at Katie's Crib
at Shanda land dot com. Oh, make sure you also
subscribe to the show so that you'll be the first
to know when season six is returning. And of course,
if you haven't done so already, follow Katie's Crib on
Instagram and Twitter. Will be dropping news there too for
when the new season drops. Until then, see you all
(43:05):
in season six. I Love you. Katie's Crib is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio.
For more podcasts from shondalan Audio, visit the iHeart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio
in partnership with I Heart Radio. Having a kid is
so fucking hard. I mean one day I was like
losing my mind. My daughter was very, very upset. She's screaming,
she headbutted me in the face, and then thirty minutes
(00:22):
later she was playing in a fountain and watching her
it was like I've never felt such joy. Hi everybody,
and welcome back to Katie's Crib. Wow, it is shockingly
(00:45):
about that time again. That's right. This is the season
five finale of Katie's Crib. And I'm in shock because
I can't believe it's been five seasons. And really I'm
just so freaking grateful and want to say thank you
to you all for listening. Thank you, thank you, thank
(01:07):
you with all of my heart. Two was a absolutely
wild year. I've got two kids that are like just
not babies anymore. They're growing up, they're asking the hard questions,
they're becoming little humans themselves. And thanks to Katie's Crib,
I get to take out all my questions and concerns
(01:30):
and thoughts here on this podcast with all of you
and all of our amazing experts and mamas who are
experiencing similar things to just come on, be together and
help me learn what the heck I am doing. My
Katie's Crib community has been such a source of inspiration
and support this year. And you know what else is
(01:51):
hilarious and what I love so much about all of
you listeners is that for all the people who come
up to me and fans of Scandal and Inventing Anna
fans all of that, it's really the Katie's Crib listeners
that I feel the most connected to and just find
myself laugh crying in the streets. Katie's Crib people will
(02:12):
come up to me and be like a great, great, great, yeah, fine,
Scandal amending Anna. No, really, Katie's Crib. It's what's gotten
me through some of the most difficult, challenging and rewarding
and hard times of my life. And I find myself
just hugging and I get it. I feel like we're
all in this together, and I'm truly just so appreciative.
It means so much to me how you all continue
(02:33):
to tune in every week. You're all awesome. Thank you.
Now to wrap season five up, the guests that I
have here for you all today is the one and
only Rachel Bloom. Rachel Bloom. I have been such a
fan of her since she came onto the scene in
her show Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I think she's a force.
(02:55):
And when I saw on her Instagram that she was
pregnant and sharing and all of that, I was like,
Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, we got to get
around Katie's crib. She's a great guest and I'm so
happy to have her. As the season five finale, she
talks about the experience of giving birth around the same
time that a dear friend of her has died due
to COVID nineteen and how that affected her entire experience.
(03:18):
She talks about her breastfeeding journey, how her daughters style
of breastfeeding. She actually calls it a piranha, which I
can definitely relate to. She talks about how parenting is
like living in New York, how it's got, you know,
all those highs and all those lows, and also how
her daughter once head budded her in the face. So
it's a very enjoyable episode. If you don't know who
(03:38):
Rachel Bloom is, she's an actress, comedian, writer, singer, songwriter
and producer. She's best known for co creating and starring
as Rebecca Bunch in the c W musical comedy drama
series Crazy Ex Girlfriend. She's received numerous awards, including a
Golden Globe Award and a t c A Award in
the Critics Choice Television Award. In a Prime Time Emmy,
she was featured in Trolls World Tour opposite to Kendrick
(04:00):
and Justin Timberlake. Her other feature voice over credits include
Columbia Pictures, Angry Birds, to Warner Brothers Animations, Batman Versus
Teenage Turtles, and Netflix's Extinct. Two fifteen, Rachel married actor,
comedian and writer Dan Gregor. She gave birth to her
first child, Rachel. Welcome to Katie's crib. I'm a fan.
(04:25):
Like I'm a real fan of yours. Oh my gosh,
thank you. Likewise, I just think you're the ship. And
I don't know if you remember this, but one time,
like a night before fancy Hollywood bullshit party, that's really fun.
It's actually the most fun one because it's the night
before party. I think it's the night before the Emmys.
We were crossing each other's paths on the way in
(04:48):
or out of the bathroom. And I don't know if
I said at the time that I just think you're
so fucking wildly talented, please live, did I? So a
couple of things happened that night that might have blocked
this out, which is one of my agents basically convinced
my husband to be okay with having a kid, Like
he made my husband cry at this party. That's big, yes.
(05:12):
And then I think this was a party where I
was smoking a cigarette, which I rarely do, but I
was like fuck it and Mandy Patinkin told me to stop.
I think what was maybe this one? So there were
things that happened at this this party because it was
the only time I went that might have blocked out
(05:34):
your kind words for my memory. Well, if there was
ever going to be a thing, let it be both
of those. And also, I'm here to tell you now
I'm a massive fan and thank you. That party is insane,
Like it's just really wonderful because it's where actors feel
(05:54):
we get gussied up, and there's good food. Like my
husband just as obsessed because there's like a lobster roll
bar and he just like sits and eats all fucking
night long. But it's like, I do think everyone feels
a little bit more comfortable to like smoke a cigarette
or whatever because there isn't like a roaming photographer or
it just feels like a little bit I don't know
(06:16):
if you could say safer, but it just feels I've
had like I had the fortunate um we got to
go with Scandal for a bunch of years, and it
was just like always like where I could fan out
the most because in such a TV head like I
don't really understand movies or care that much about them,
but I fucking love television and I always have. And
so when I get to go to that party, I'm like,
(06:38):
it's every guest that I love, including Rachel bloom Um,
who we have so many friends in coming. I'm just
so glad to have you on. But actually, this Night
before Hollywood Shenanigan story brings me to my first question,
which is you gave birth to your child during COVID
(06:58):
at the same time close close friend of yours passed
away due to COVID, and I think it's really weird
that the same a party where someone told you not
to smoke, maybe so that you wouldn't die is the
same night that your husband decided that you may have kids.
And I just think that when you become a mom,
it's like death thoughts all the time. And I can't
(07:20):
even and that. And that's coming from someone who didn't
have a good friend die of COVID. So explained to me,
do you have this sick local life death thoughts all
the time? Like I do? I do? And I'm actually
I've been. I'm working on a live show that I
hope to be a film special literally about that that
which is the experience of giving birth. I gave birth
(07:44):
late March. The night I gave birth, I found out
Adam was sick. I didn't know Adam was sick um
and then he basically died the day after we took
her home from the hospital because she was also in
the nick you And so it was this huge wall
of of a death and sickness awareness at once and
(08:05):
a big question. And what the show I'm working on
is about, how do I live my life knowing that
death is real? Knowing I always knew death was real,
but like knowing you know, like on a heart level,
that death is real and can come any time, but
also not having it paralyzed me. And it was yeah,
(08:26):
I mean it was extremely traumatic. It was extremely formative. Uh.
And it's funny. I talked to other moms who who
gave birth during this time, but because things were changing
so much, if you gave birth between like mid March
and like June, your experience might not be the same
(08:51):
as as someone else. Like so, for instance, there were
fathers banned from delivery rooms. And I actually got induced. Uh.
My doctor basically was like, look, we don't know what
is going to happen. If the hospitals here anything like
New York, we are going to get inundated with patients.
So I want to get you in and out of
(09:12):
the hospital as quick as possible. Now, what ended up
happening was unrelated to me getting induced. My daughter was
in the Nike You. She ended up staying in the
hospital for five more days, and I was I was
really kind of freaking out because COVID was ramping up
and by then I knew Adam was sick, and it
was really it was so weird they still didn't have
us masking in the Nike You. It's really weird. So
(09:35):
so when when I gave birth, it was so early
in COVID. I wore a mask into the hospital, my
first time wearing a mask anywhere. I took off my
mask the second we got to the maternity floor. I
wasn't masked when I gave birth. When when my daughter
was in the nike I didn't have to wear a mask.
I had to wash my hands. It was the hand
washing thing. I didn't wear a mask around my daughter,
(09:58):
but I had to like do the whole scrub scrub,
scrub your thumb, scrubby wrists thing. And then my husband
and I couldn't be in the nikkei at the same time.
That was the COVID regulation that came in. And then
by the time we left the hospital, but my daughter
was still in the nikke you, my husband could not
go back in the hospital period. So my husband didn't
see my daughter for until she came until she got home.
(10:22):
I just like, there's so much death around us, and
it's really hard to like buy in and you gotta start.
And I got my start with my baby too. Like
you know, I had the experience where I was waiting
in line with pregnant women, like praying for someone to
give us a vaccine, and my O b because it
(10:45):
wasn't the vaccines, weren't being pregnant, women were not considered
high risk yet um in terms of people who were
allowed to get vaccinated, and it started to get out that,
oh my gosh, if you could get a vaccine, that
might help your baby not get COVID. I mean, anyway
we have we are all at this moment living to
tell this story, and it's just traumatic. I think what
(11:09):
we're all realizing too, is that the past years where
there was no pandemic was kind of an anomaly that
more of human history than not our war and pandemics.
So I think that we're especially shocked because when you
don't have hardship and you're in a period of relative
(11:32):
like economic boom and safety, to be sincere about things
is not cool. You want to like talk about the
fucking darkest ship, and that's not the way life is anymore.
Things have cycled back to I mean chaos, which seems
(11:52):
to be the stasis more often than not. Yeah, I
think we were all like someone came over my house
for life fourth and she was like, oh, I'm just realizing,
like it was like it was all a lie, but
we were like living in it for so long I
mean I definitely was. But to your point, like Shonda
Rhymes when she did Scandal, I mean, she's been on
(12:13):
record saying like, you know, I don't know how long
Scandal would have lasted, but she was the one she
made the decision that the show was ending and there
were no more stories to tell. But it was because
she's saying, you know, political shows really do well and
exist when the lights are on, uh in d C
(12:34):
and when things seem you know, like if you look
at when west Wing was on, I was just about
to say west Wing being a liberal wet dream, right exactly.
And same with Scandal, she was like the minute the
world when a different direction. She and all of a sudden,
it seemed like the d C we were telling about
(12:54):
was not even close to as bad as what was
really going on. It just didn't seem fun anymore. Um. Now,
talking about your husband, going back to that point, did
he not always want to be a parent and someone
convinced him at that party? And did you always want
to be a parent, Like it was a process. He
wasn't totally convinced at that party. So my husband and
(13:15):
I've been together almost fourteen years, and so we talked
about kids a lot. We were always talking about kids.
I haven't actually an old A O L I AM
conversation from when we were just friends, because we've known
each other for like seventeen eighteen years, and so we
were having an I AM conversation. I like went I
went in a while ago printed out all of our
(13:36):
old A O L conversations and I'm so glad I
did in some of our old G chats, and we
have like an early conversation where we were just friends
talking about like baby names. I don't know why. It
was just it was so random, and I was fully
not dating him. In fact, I was dating one of
his friends, so it makes no sense. But umlass, yeah,
(13:57):
my husband, he wasn't like never ever, but he's like,
I'm edging towards no. I could be convinced. You'd have
to like really convince me, and I was mildly on
the side of yes, but it wasn't part of my
kind of future identity. I wasn't like I want to
(14:18):
be a mom. It was just it was more of
a I think I want that for myself someday. But
you could also convince me no. So we both kind
of always saw both sides. I was more positive, he
was more negative, but we were kind of in that
middle road, and then he kind of stayed where he was.
I got a little more I want this, I want this,
I want this is frankly, I felt my biological clock
(14:41):
kicking and also crazy X was a majority mom's writer's room.
My writing partner, Lean is twenty years older than I am.
She's too now grown kids, and so I spent I
started to spend a lot of time practically with moms
in the workplace and seeing no, no no, no, you keep
your identity while also having kids, and I hadn't. I
(15:04):
just hadn't worked with moms much, and so that was
also It was definitely a factor, and I don't know,
I got him on board, and then I got pregnant
right away. He thought we'd be having fun trying for
six months. I got pregnant on the first cycle, poor guy. UM.
(15:25):
And then he found out he we were having a girl,
and he was that really helped. He really wanted a girl,
um for many reasons. And you know, he wasn't wrong.
It's really fucking hard, like we were both right. I
was right that I wanted to feel that love and
have that have that experience, and he was right that
(15:48):
it was going to change our fundamental dynamic in our
lives and be really hard. We were both right. It's
both things, and it's why I think a lot of
people who have kids suddenly become those people who were like,
at everyone has to have kids, or you're not having kids?
Why are you having kids? And I think there's a
little death protest too much in that, because I think
it's maybe the people who do that either they really
(16:09):
really love their kids and they want for everyone, or
they're trying to continue to tell themselves a story that yes,
having this was the right thing to do when everyone
needs to do this. I never tell anyone to have
a kid, but I'm trying to put myself in that
person's shoes, where if I was trying to bargain someone
to like not miss that boat. It's because I'm praying
that when I get to the end of my life
(16:29):
and I can really look at it, whenever that is,
and that split second, I will have said, I'm so
grateful I made that choice. I'm so grateful I was
a mom to somebody. I'm like you, I see all
sides of it. I'm like there are some days where
this is the best fucking thing ever. And there are
some days where I'm like, I cannot get on a
(16:50):
plane with a fake identity and like a different boyfriend
and like just do it different, like because this is
so fucking hard. Having a kid is so fucking hard.
I mean, one day I was like losing my mind.
My daughter was very, very upset. She was screaming, she
head butted me in the face, and then thirty minutes
(17:14):
later she was playing in a fountain and watching her
it was like, I've never felt such joy. It's like
I compared to living in New York the highs or
highs and the lows are low. Yes, it's harder than
we thought, but we went into this knowing it would
be hard. And so I mean, I've been thinking about
this a lot lately. Like I think a lot of
(17:36):
the world's problems are caused by people becoming parents who
shouldn't be parents, and then they emotionally and or physically
abuse their children. Uh, and then there these children are
humans and adults walking amongst the world who haven't dealt
with that horrible trauma and now they're awful. Yes, Like,
because you know the world is the world is bad
(17:56):
because of trauma, right, and being parents who shouldn't be
parents UM is one of the big traumas. And so like,
I'm amazed that you have to take a test to
drive a car, but there's no test to become parents,
or there's no like required class. It's insane. It's totally
insane and the quickest way I feel like why being
(18:18):
a parent. One of the many reasons why parenting is
hard is because anything you haven't worked out or looked
into or looked at about yourself, ah, a light is
shine on it, even more so with your child, Like
if you have people pleasing issues, or if you have
(18:41):
rage issues, or if you have patients issues, or if
you have a horrible relationship with your parents. I mean
just all of it is accentuated come to light even
further by this child that you've been given UM, And
so you've got to work out your own ship if
you want to be a good parent. Really, I mean really, Oh,
(19:03):
my husband and I did couples therapy when we decided
to get pregnant, just just to like preemptively do it,
and then we were doing it all throughout us pregnant,
like just to do it just to like talk through issues,
talk through Okay, what's our family philosophy? It was awesome, right,
Like you don't learn until you get there. But you're like, oh,
(19:23):
are we those parents that like fight in front of
our kids? Do we not fight in front of our kids?
Do we raise our voices? Do we not raise our voices?
Do we sit down to a dinner table? Do we not?
What happens when the child asks if there's a god?
How do you talk to your children about death? I mean,
all of this ship is like big stuff that a
lot of times you don't even really have these conversations.
(19:45):
A lot of people don't have these conversations with their
significant other or partner if there is a partner in
this with them. Uh in how to raise a person
totally shifting gears, How was your pregnancy, I'd say six,
(20:09):
you know, which is about where you and your husband
were in the pro and five exactly, I would say sixty, good, forty.
I never threw up. I don't throw up easily. I
was so nauseous all the time for the first three
and a half four months, and then I got pretty
bad back problems, back pain starting at six months to
(20:32):
where I had to like carry around a cushion, a
personal cushion everywhere we went. I couldn't. Basically, I needed
something to be bolstering the small of my back. You've
always been a larger size in the breast department, and
then I'm sure with pregnancy and breastfeeding that did not
help any back situation. No. So, so it was interesting
(20:55):
because I always had big boobs, but but I wasn't
unhappy with them. I wasn't like I always had big
boobs and I and yeah, there were like pains and
I did a song called heavy Boobs and I joke
about it. But like I never wanted a reduction or
craved reduction. When I got pregnant started breastfeeding, I went
from a double triple D to a G very fast,
(21:16):
and and the way that my G was it was
just no shape anymore. And I have a short torso,
so when you put a shapeless G on a short torso,
my breasts were down in my belly button. And I
was like, I can't, I can't live my life like
so I had a reduction pretty soon. I mean I
(21:38):
had a reduction. Mm hmm. It was it was like
a year and a half after I gave birth, Wow,
and it was great. How was breastfeeding? How was that
journey for you? I had a very drama free breastfeeding journey.
I only ever made about four ounces. Um, and my
daughter was They were like, I took a like quiz
(21:58):
one time, what what style of us feeding as your baby?
In her style was called piranha, which is that the
second she you put her on the nipples, she just
went on ringing, and so she was so hungry, so
very quickly I started supplementing with formula just because I
even at my fullest, I only ever made four ounces.
But but I made and I'm actually still lactating in
(22:20):
my left boob. If I squeeze really hard, I can
still get a drop out. It's real weird. Oh yeah.
I was with someone who will remain nameless, who hasn't
breast been in like seven or eight years, and we
were just like squeezing our nipples next to each other
in a bathroom because I had a clog, and she
just like squeezed out this like green fucking ooze, and
I just was like green, that's like the body is insane.
(22:43):
The body is so weird. Green. That's interesting, dark, deep
like Kale Green. Yeah, I don't know. It's like super colostrum, right,
I think, So, how is your actual labor? I had
had this thing. I I basically had I guess what
you'd call Braxton Hicks because every time in my last
(23:04):
two months of pregnancy, every time I had to go
to the bathroom, I'd start getting up cramps like contractions,
And then every time I went to the bathroom, I'd
get cramps again. It was just I think the way
that the bladder putting pressure maters, so I was getting induced.
The first thing they do before they give you the
potoson is they give you a sailin. They just they
(23:26):
hydrate you with fluids. So what this do was it's
supercharged my bladder. It made me feel like I was
already going into labor, like I couldn't tell. I was like, wait,
am I going into labor right now? Because they it
was filling my bladder. I kept having to disconnect my
wires go to the bathroom. Finally, I tried to fall
asleep on a bedpan trying to get there, like trying
(23:48):
to get some They were like trying to get some
sleep before you go into labor. And this was like
three am. I checked in midnight. At this point it's
three thirty am. I tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep.
I went up to go to the bathroom one more
time and then the contraction started kicking in from the
potosan and it felt like someone kicked me in the back.
Within twenty minutes, I had the epidural. I knew I
(24:10):
wanted the epidural. They came in and they were like,
what's your pain goal? And I and I was like two.
And they're like, okay, so you wanna have a little pain.
I was like, can I say zero? Because I never
I was never one of those people who was like, no,
I'm going for natural birthway. My husband said something interesting,
which is and this is controversial, but he said that
women opting for no pain relief during childbirth. It's the
(24:34):
equivalent of guys being like, how much can you bench? Bro?
There's a there's a pride in how much pain you felt.
That is a way I think some women lord over
other women. For me, I have a very low pain tolerance.
I am not having a baby to give birth. Epidurals
are wonderful. They're very effective, they're very safe and very calm.
And so I always knew I wanted an epidural. Um.
(24:57):
The epidural was painful. I mean, I mean I knew it.
I kind of basically, I didn't read up on how
painful and epidural was because I knew it would be painful. Um.
But I remember, right before getting the epidural, and I
was in labor, I said to my husband, I'm only
doing this once, as if he was the one who
pushed me to have a baby. He was like, okay, yeah.
(25:21):
And then I got the epidural. Oh, and then they
put a cafeter in me. Did you feel that? Oh?
My god, no, I didn't you so relieved because you
didn't stop worrying about belief. I fell asleep and there
was a bag around my ankle filling with piss and
I loved it. And my doctor woke me up to
(25:41):
break my water, and then she woke me up again
to be like, you're dilated. You need to start pushing.
So I was like, so, I like, I woke up
to push. My labor was twenty minutes when I started
actually pushing. Uh, And which is interesting because they say
epidurals extend labor. So my doctor was like, ha, do
you not at the epidural, it might have gone even
(26:02):
like faster, which is crazy. Um. And then my daughter
was born with fluid inter lungs. And it's hard because,
like I sometimes blame myself. I'm like, oh, was my
labor short because I had an epidural? Did I do
that to her? Did her lungs get not expressed enough fluid?
And it's like, no, that this happens to babies all
the time. It's a thing called T t N, which
(26:23):
stands for transitory. It's where in your baby as fluid
and their lungs And that was crazy. That's my labor
T t N, which again, what is that stand for? Again,
I've actually never heard the technical medical term. Yeah, T
t N here, I'm gonna look it up right now.
Transient tack to kypnea of the newborn. Oh. I see
(26:47):
after delivery as a baby breeze for the first time,
the lungs fell with air and more fluid is pushed out. Um.
Babies with T t M have just extra fluid in
their lungs. Um. And it's specifically called transient because it
doesn't last long and doesn't have any effect on development.
When she came out, was it obvious right away that
she was having a hard time breathing and there was
(27:07):
fluid in the lung? Yeah, yeah, I have it on.
I actually have it on, and it's like and it's
like you can tell she's going like I mean, like,
that's my impression of a baby trying to cry. I
didn't know because I had nothing to compare to. But
my doctor knew instantly. Was she bluish so purple just
(27:28):
just which I already knew she'd be, because like babies
coming out are pretty purple in general, but like she
was like purple. Wow, how what a wild wild I
can't imagine just being in COVID and like having this problem,
with this feeling of like wanting to just get your
(27:49):
baby out of there. Maybe if the hospital was proving
seeming like something that was like not a safe place
to be in. Each pass an hour and day less
and less, so it was getting very stressful. So so
she was in the NIKE for five days. And then
I had a psychiatrist at the time who has since died,
which is a whole other presence of death in my life. Um,
(28:10):
my psychiatrist knew the head of the hospital, and he
was like he was like, what does your daughter have Again?
I was like, she was t TN and he's like, hump,
why are they keeping her? I was like, I guess
to rule out infection and he's like, I think they're
keeping her as a formality. He's like, you need to
get her. You should get her out of the hospital soon.
Let me call the head of that He knew the
head of the hospital. So because my psychiatrist knew the
(28:32):
guy around this hospital, I think they went to college together. Um.
I got her out two days sooner. Wow. Wait, speaking
about your psychiatrists, this is another thing I really want
to talk to you about. So you you were on
medication I'm not sure which one, but previously before getting pregnant. Yeah, yeah, prozac.
(28:55):
I just want to talk to being on medication during pregnancy,
during breastfeeding, and how you came to that decision, what
your support team of professionals looked like, etcetera. No one
ever said I should go off, I asked my psychiatrist,
I asked my O B du I N. I guess
if i'd maybe been on a higher dosage. I'm on
(29:15):
ten milligrams of prozac, which is kind of the minimum dose.
Maybe if i'd been on higher dosages, they would have
talked about scaling back. But not only are s SR
eyes which stand which are antidepressants. It stands for I
believe selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Uh not only are they
do they not affect a baby, but but the but
(29:36):
the risk, The thing you want is for a calm
mother S SR eyes helped that. So I was never
counseled to go off the whole time. Did you feel
any postpartum depression anxiety at all considering you were dealing
with also a death of a friend or was it
almost too I don't even know. I don't know. I mean,
(29:58):
here's the thing is, I don't I think I had
postpartum anxiety. I really I also had like pre part
of anxiety. I've always had trouble with so I have
generalized anxiety disorder, which can sometimes go into intrusive thinking
which crosses into O c D land. So during big
periods of my life, whether it be good or bad,
(30:20):
just I will sometimes get intrusive thoughts because my brain
goes to like, I don't know, my brains in high
anxiety mode, and so it goes into intrusive thoughts because
that's just how my brain chemistry works sometimes. So I
did have some intrusive thinking. Around the time I gave
I had some depression, especially my first trimester. The nausea
(30:43):
didn't help. And then I had some heightened anxiety around
the time I gave birth, and then Adam died and
we were in a pandemic, and I was depressed and
I had a newborn. So I can't really, I can't
tell you. It was just all really confusing. Okay, So
March twin to me, so she's she's over to now,
(31:05):
so she's over too. Was there ever a moment where
you woke up and you felt like yourself through all
of that, like you ever were like a year and
a half have gone by and you're like, I'm starting
to I mean, yeah, pockets, there were always pockets of that.
(31:27):
They're always pockets of feeling like myself. I think that
the journey has been integrating the two. A part of
my brain that is a mother and caring for my
child feels like a completely different part of my brain
than who I am is like a writer and after performer,
a friend. Even sometimes I feel that way. Do they're
(31:48):
just kind of apples and oranges, and it's why like
when we had moms in the Crazy ex Writer's room,
we had like a baby room, and I was like
surprised they didn't bring their kids in more. But now
I get it because it's two different parts of your brain,
almost especially when your kids are really little. Yeah, it's
it's so romanticized in my head that I always have
(32:10):
my kids if I'm were you know, I just worked
on a project that it was like, you know, I
was working eighteen hour days for a month, and of
course I have my kids visit as much as possible,
but I always realize it's like that's like it's just
not great because my mind is in a different place
when you're working and you're in that sort of vibe
(32:31):
and it's like there, it's it's it's hard when you're
when you get your thirty minute lunch break and I
just go into I'm like, okay, just meeting my trailer
and let me do thirty minutes of like mommying, like
I'm gonna breastfeed he and I'm gonna make him feel
connection and all this ship and it's like it's just
they are two different parts of my being in a way.
They function differently, and to sort of cram one into
(32:53):
the other is probably why your writers weren't bringing them
in the room more. Yeah, you just it's just two
different It's just it's two different things. And I think
I'm slowly integrating the part of myself. I also was
isolated for for a year because of COVID, So like
I very again, like I can only talk about my
(33:16):
experience as I had it. I'd be interested in the
parallel universe where COVID didn't happen, what it was like
for me, because when everyone locked down, I was locked
down with a baby, and no one really met her.
People would come to our front yard and see her outside,
but but like most people didn't meet her until she
(33:38):
was over a year, and in fact, there was just
um oh, she was a flower She was a flower
girl at my friend's wedding, and it was the first
time some people met her, and that finally almost felt
like a coming out party of like, hey, everyone, I
have a kid now, Like I felt like I went
to hibernation and came out with a kid. So I'm
(33:58):
slowly integrating those two parts of of myself. And it's
because they're just they're just two different things. Were you
right in the in the in when you were giving
(34:20):
birth to your daughter and you said, this is the
only time I'm doing this. Do you still feel that way? Yeah,
I think we're a one and done situation. I mean,
I could be wrong, but for numerous reasons, I think
the best version of our family is having one um.
Part of the way I sold my husband on it
is like, let's do this one time. Let's have this
beautiful one time experience. And then, aside from everything else,
(34:44):
I gotta say, the circumstances of her birth, through no
fault of hers, were fucking traumatic and I don't really
want to go through that again. I think it would
be reliving some trauma in a way. But but aside
from everything, I think we're a one in done And
I was an only child, so that's a template I know.
And she's the best. I love her. We're wrapping up,
(35:07):
but I really want to talk to you because my
mom I read something that you. Your mom made you
play an instrument. I believe there was something in your
house of like Mozart saying you'll thank me one day, kid,
or oh my god. Yes, I don't know where you
read that, but yes, we had yes. And you know,
(35:27):
we pick and choose whatever things we were raised with
that we agree or disagree, or pass on or don't.
But one of the things you are passing on is
that you would like your daughter to play an instrument.
It doesn't matter which one, but she's got to play something.
And my mom made me play piano till I was eighteen.
Oh my god. We used to fucking fight Rachel fucking
Hem and Hall like please every single fucking day, joke,
(35:51):
I mean not every day, every Tuesday for fucking thirteen years.
Joe comes over at five thirty is me at six
o'clock was my brother, and she fucking forced us. And
I have to say, I'm so you are right. You win.
Your mom wins, My mom wins. I don't know what
else better I thought I would be doing at that time,
(36:12):
that I have like a nice parlor trick in my
back pocket, that I can fucking play a piano and
I can read a note, and like I have that
other language and I have that as it's such a gift.
I wish she had done the same thing for the language.
To be honest, I like, you know what I mean,
Like now, I'm like shit, I know, I feel a
little guilty. I thought, Oh, I'll raise her bilingual or whatever. No,
(36:33):
or all just speaking English. So are you hoping for
a instrument or do you really not care? I don't care.
She really likes playing our piano. We have two pianos
in the house. She loves playing them. I gotta say
she's already matching pitch. If I sing a song, she's
already singing. Or my kids, And let me tell you,
(36:54):
I was fucking relieved. I think that's genetic. Also, someone
will remain nameless on Scan. But we were a big
singing cast on Scandal. It's so funny because such a
dramatic show. But as soon as they would call cut
on any single world, we were all singing at all times.
And my favorite, one of my favorite people on the
show is incredibly tone deaf, like for real, like cannot
(37:16):
hit a note that anyone around them is singing. It's insane,
and I'm I'm feeling I felt really great when I
sing a song or my husband sings a song, and
our son can just match whether we modulate or whatever.
He's like, there, aren't we relieved? Oh my god, I'm
so relieved. One of the potential names. This isn't her name,
but one of the potential names we had for at
one point was Melody. And then my Alean pointed out,
(37:39):
She's like, that is just asking for a child to
be tone deaf. Really really, you're right, I'm not gonna
curse her with that. But she loves that. And then
we have a little toy guitar she loves playing, So
I'm fine with whatever. Why is it so important to
you that she does play something? I think what you're
saying it's it's just the skill that you can always have.
(38:02):
I think it helps you. Music is another language, and
I think it's a very important language. And to just
be keyed into what that language is, I think it
extends to so many other things in life, and then
you can like bust out, you know, good riddance to
the party. Hell yeah, walking in Memphis or some ship
(38:23):
that's my husband's always go to. Um okay, very quickly,
where does religion come to play in your household? Uh? Well,
I wanted the age where the kid is like asking
lots accused. I mean I wanted to know ifive for
some more than I do. I wanted to do the holidays,
I wanted to understand the culture because my husband and
(38:44):
I are both Jewish, and but it's it's a cultural thing,
got it. Yeah, it's a cultural tradic You want to
give her traditions that you enjoyed and loved and partook
and would like to actually know more about. I was
raised pretty secular, to be honest. So I think there's
a there's a happy medium between how I was raised,
which is like, I mean, I don't regret it, but
(39:06):
I dropped out of Hebrew School when I was around
eight because I wanted to do theater on the weekend,
so I wasn't bough mitzvah. So I was raised very secular.
My husband was raised he would say conservatives. He went
to Yeshiva until he was thirteen. He kept Kosher until
in college. He rapped, you know, he prayed every day.
He rapped to fill in so some some some medium
(39:27):
and he and he would say technically conservative, but compared
to I think Los Angeles Jews, it's technically like conservati
docs but like they call it conservative, but like also
he's rapping to fill in um. So I think the
happy medium between those things. Breastfeeding in public, did you
don't you did you care? Oh my god, I have
(39:49):
a little balcon I have a balcony in my house
that overlooks the entire street. The amount of people who
must have seen my tips had they just looked up?
I don't care. You're such an exhibitionist. You just are
have you always? Uh? Well, I don't go around showing
my tits normally, although I did go topless at Radio
City Music Hall, So I guess I am um, No,
I just it's just if your breastfeeding, it's how your
(40:11):
kid is fucking eating. It's just they're not sexual objects anymore.
It's like this is this is my kids, Fawcett, Fuck
you yea and fun and fuck you for not being
able to control your fucking boner because that's what it is. Yeah,
it's your fucking problem. It's not my fucking problem. It's
not my problem. It's not my problem that you're such
(40:31):
a monster that you can't control your fucking boner around
me doing with my breasts what they're like naturally supposed
to be doing. Like, it's control your boner because I'm
feeding my baby, you weirdo. I'm so grateful that you
made time to come on Katie's Crib. I'm so interested
(40:53):
to hear about the project in your show you're working
on for I'm gonna put my email. I'm gonna put
my email in the chat to you right now. Okay, great.
I want everyone to listen and look out for whatever
you're working on that is about the local nature of
life and death and motherhood. Yeah. Check it out. It's
like a live show. I'm doing a live show. Yeah.
(41:16):
Oh yeah, yeah, it's like a live special I'm working on.
When is that, uh it goes up. I've been putting
it up at this theater Dynasty Typewriter, So it goes
up next July sevent and then it'll go up again
in August and then again in September, and I've just
been kind of doing it. Non negotiable. Must come everyone listening,
(41:37):
if you're listening in this airs of that time, everyone
must go. Um finish this sentence, Rachel Bloom. Parenthood is
parenthood is living in New York City. The highs or
highs and the lows are low. Brilliant answer we've never had.
It makes perfect sense to me. Um. Thank you so
(41:57):
much for coming on Katie's Crib. This was such a
joy and I hope you have a wonderful uh time
putting your kid down tonight and on your family dog walk.
Thank you, thank you for having me all right, guys, Wow,
we did it. That's it. That's our last episode of
season five. Thank you to all my awesome guests this
(42:21):
season for being so brave and for sharing your personal
experiences and advice. And always thank you listeners for subscribing
and spreading the word about Katie's Crib. Yes, the season
maybe ending, but don't you worry season six who We'll
be coming at you in There's so many more topics
to explore and share it. In the meantime, be sure
to email me the names of guests that you want
(42:43):
to hear from or topics that you'd like me to
talk about. You can always reach me at Katie's Crib
at Shanda land dot com. Oh, make sure you also
subscribe to the show so that you'll be the first
to know when season six is returning. And of course,
if you haven't done so already, follow Katie's Crib on
Instagram and Twitter. Will be dropping news there too for
when the new season drops. Until then, see you all
(43:05):
in season six. I Love you. Katie's Crib is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio.
For more podcasts from shondalan Audio, visit the iHeart Radio app,
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