You Might Be the Egg Lady with Chelsea + Catherine

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. God are we rolling? Brett? Are
we rolling? You're going It's happening, Catherine. You had a
big party this weekend. I did. It was my thirty
eighth birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you. Brad had I think
the best idea for a theme. He was like, well,
can be the nineteenth anniversary of your nineteenth birthday. I

(00:21):
loved that idea. I was like, it's so ridiculous, it
just might work. And so everyone dressed as they did
when they were nineteen, including and I'll have to show
you a picture of this my one friend who was
a Mormon missionary when he was nineteen, So he wore
the whole get up with like the tie and the
name tag and everything. Yeah, he was like, this is

(00:41):
what I looked like when I was nineteen. So as
he recovered from being a more thanks thanks God, as
they say an espanyah, thanks God. I wasn't there, Captaine,
because I got my face scraped off, because the way
I lived my life is I go for it and
then I reverse the damage. So I was in my
hyperbaric chamber unfortunately, but I know all the girls came,

(01:01):
and yes, I've been recuperating I rented a hyperbaric chamber
because I did that Morpheus fucking laser. Yeah. Yeah, and
I gotta tell I'm buying that thing. That thing. First
of all, I've read six books. I've read six books
in six days. Because you're in there. You could go
in there for like two and a half hours. Yeah,
well I can. I mean the one I have, you

(01:22):
could go in for two and a half hours. Max
isn't like it pressurizes you. Yeah, so oxygenates you. So
it gives you like one hundred and fifty percent oxygen
when normally I think we get from thirty to fifty percent.
I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but
this is visa ving my assistant, one of my assistants.
I'll pretend that I don't. I mean, I'm not going
to pretend that I don't have more than one assistant.
I do, and this podcast is about honesty on some

(01:43):
other things. But he's telling me that that's what happens.
I'm going to read more about it, but I am
going to purchase it because it's incredible and also it
gives you this a lotted amount of time, Like this morning,
I did ninety minutes, but to read. So I've read
yeah everything, I mean not everything, but I went on
a little fix reading Tirade when I was a whistler
because I was just enjoying myself. Yeah, but then, like everything,

(02:05):
I like to reverse that, and then I like to
flip it and reverse it. This intro is all about
turning back time. Yeah. Well, I wanted to resupplement my
brain with more informative stuff. So now then I made
a commitment to read hard things. So I'm reading five
books at one time. One is on Cuba, which is
fucking fascinating. How you posted, Yes, it's called it's by

(02:27):
Aida Ferrar. I believe it's called An American History in Cuba.
Maybe anyway, Cuba's and big letters on the cover of
the book, so that should sort everything out. But it's fascinating.
It talks about Columbus landing on Hispaniola, which was the
Dominican Republic, and Haiti and before and Cuba. He never
landed in the United States at all nearby, And then

(02:49):
it talks about, you know, how the how Cuba became
like the port of the West, like the intro, so
all the Spaniards would come over, go to South America
and go to Mexico, come back with all the goods,
drop port and refuel you know, food, hookers whatever, Cuba. Yeah,
and then they would go back to Europe and that's

(03:09):
what started piracy because the French wanted in on the
action of all the ship the Spanish were getting, so
then they started piracy. And then they attacked Cuba and
they had to refortify it and make it a port
that was like defensible. It's fascinating and it's a huge
gap in my knowledge of what happened in the world. Well,
when you read, you were saying on your post, like

(03:30):
I should go back to history class. But they didn't
teach us the stuff in history class because it was
all anglicized and colonize our size and it's only any worse,
especially if you want to go to Florida. He should
be arrested, I mean he honestly, Ronda Santos is so disgusting. Anyway,
more positive note, I'm reading that Short History of Humanity
is another book that I'm reading, which is fascinating about
Neanderthals and denis Ovans, which I didn't even knew existed,

(03:53):
and Anatolia all this shit, and that's good. And then
I'm reading Katie Kurik's biography because I hadn't finished that one,
and so that's awesome because that's a nice good dose
of She's so cute. When we had on the podcast,
I was like, wait a second, I didn't finish her book.
I need to. She loves you by the way I
love her. She came to my comedy I got my
Comedy Icon awarded south By Southwest, and she showed up.

(04:16):
So we were able to tell the Woody's Alan's story together,
which was awesome. And then what else am I reading? Oh?
This other book that my friend that I are on
our best behavior, which we're having her on the podcast
at least loan In, which is all about the Seven
Deadly Sins, how they were orchestrated because of religion, and
how it basically introduced patriarchy into society and why how

(04:38):
we're trying to dismantlate and all of the things that
you know, greed, sloth, all of this stuff that we're
supposed to not feel is obviously impossible. And then I
am reading Matthew McConaughey's book, another one I started but
then I never finished because now we have him coming
on the podcast, you guys for our very final episode
of the season. Yeah, because he's promoting something very unexpected yea.

(05:02):
And his book is fucking incredible And I am late
to the party on this as usual because it was
one of those books that everyone was talking about, yeah
or you know, probably still are, and it was on
the bestseller list for weeks and weeks and weeks, and
I know why. It is incredible. He's so deep and

(05:22):
not in a way that you, you know, want to
make fun of. It's deep in a sincere cringe. It's
not cringing. It's totally real. And he's a man and
like a renegade and a renaissance, a man on all
of the things. So yeah, I'm really excited to talk
to him. Then there's this one Tao te Ching Stephen Mitchell,
which is like, oh, that is a great little read

(05:43):
for everybody who's listening to this, because it's the Tao
of Ching, like it's how you become spiritual and relaxed.
And I love this quote I read in it, like
when the student needs a teacher, the teacher shows up
right on time, and then when the student no longer
needs the teacher, the teacher disappears. So it was a
nice metaphor for all the people that come in and
out of your life. Right, Yeah, I just got a

(06:05):
chuff from that. I had a teacher depart just very recently.
Oh really yeah, and not dead but exited my sphere. Well,
so okay, yes, yes. Then there's Breath by James Nestor.
Have you read that? No? I haven't. This is my
friend Nikola brought this up for me for my birthday
this year, and it's all about breathing and how you

(06:25):
can calm yourself down when you're having a panic attack
or anxiety, or even like getting yourself to sleep at night,
waking up in the morning, ways to energize yourself. I've
never really been into breathwork, so I'm trying to like
open that door. Yeah. And then you know my all
time favorite, which is Letting Go. I thought we would
do a little book update for all the reading books.
So this book that I talk about all the time,
the Pathway of Surrender by David Hawkins, who's a PhD

(06:48):
in an MD. I talk about this. I mentioned it
on the podcast a lot because I always go back
to this book and I'm not a person that reads
books more than once. But I always go back to
this book because it really really can help you out,
like the energy that you're putting out, the vibration that
you're putting out right, like, are you attracting good things?
Are you putting out negativity? Are you stuck in your grief?

(07:08):
Are you stuck in your pain? Are you stuck in
not letting go? Or you stuck in blame? And then
like the latter to working your way up to courage
to bravery, to love to compassion, you know, and that
every time we have an emotion, there's an opposite emotion,
and we are choosing to either sit in the negative
emotion or move on to the positive emotion. So I

(07:29):
love this book because it really is deep and it
really makes you realize the more aligned you are with
everything that's going on, the more accepting you are of
things that don't go your way, the easier everything becomes,
and the higher vibration that you're like putting out there,
and then all these things just start happening. It's kind
of like magic. I mean, it's happened to me so

(07:51):
many times, especially when I get in a funk, I'm like,
oh no, no no, no, you're not allowed to do this anymore,
and not in a berating kind of way. It's just
like lift yourself up, yourself out of it, you know,
So that kind of you know, attitude. It's a nice
reminder to like always switch it around, flip it. You know.
We had a really interesting conversation with my dad this
week about exactly that we have been having a frustrating

(08:15):
time with a contractor who's ghosting and this and this,
and we already paid him and he's not shown up
and he's doing shoddy work and all these things when
he does show up, and you know, it had been
really weighing on us and getting worse and worse, and
we're just like so frustrated and upset, and we finally
called my dad and we're like, what do we do?
Do we have to take this guy to court? Like
what do we which we didn't want to do because

(08:36):
we know that's just a nightmare and a half. And
my dad goes, you know what, it's a learning experience.
You're allowed to be mad about it for forty eight
hours and then you let it the fuck go, and
you know what it was, so, you know, the conversation
we had with him was so full of love, and
he was like, unfortunately, this is just like a thing
that happens, and you're learning a lesson, and it's an

(08:58):
expensive lesson, but you don't need to carry this weight
around with you and this anger around with you that's poisonous.
Be angry for a moment, and then move on. And
since that conversation, we've made it into this positive. We're
moving on, even though sometimes it's a little difficult because
we're sort of getting ourselves out of the sticky situation.

(09:20):
And you know, now Brad's dad is going to come
out and help him with some of the building, which
they love to build things together. So we're really turning
it into I think something that's going to be really lovely.
He's going to have good memories of doing this with
his dad, and so I think it's going to work
out just fine. But you do have to make this
conscious decision of like I'm going to be done with that,
you know, and kind of like catch yourself and be like, no,

(09:44):
what can we do to actually make this a positive.
It's also talks about blame a lot, like when you
blame someone for something, even if it is completely their fault,
what is that buying you, like, why do you need
to blame someone like and this is a perfect example
of like, well, obviously it's the contractor's fault because he
did it everything. But it's like, what's the point of that,
you know, what's the point of blaming him for that?
I mean, obviously it's money. It's frustrating all of the things,

(10:07):
especially when someone's so irresponsible and contractors are notorious for
blowing people off and you know, not finishing the job
on time or raping you for prices. But yeah, it's
like what are you gaining from the blame? What are
you buying yourself? Because there's always something that you're getting, Like, oh,
then you're innocent. Even if you blame someone for a
breakup like he was crazy or he was out of
control or blah blah blah, it's like, well, yeah, but

(10:29):
so then you're scott free. You're innocent. Like it talks
about the concept of like just let it all go,
don't hold onto those sort of emotions. Yeah, the blame
is what keeps you cycling of like I gotta make
this person act a certain way, whether it's a relationship
or something like this, I gotta make them do this.
I gotta like force them to do this. They are
at fault for X y Z. But it's like, once

(10:51):
you're just realized that you actually can't force anybody to
be a certain way, or do a certain thing or
show up for you, it gets a lot easier to
let that go. And you're like, I actually can't force
this person to do anything. Okay, so what do I
do instead? I move on, I figure out what the
solution actually is. And the solution is actually probably going
to come from me, you know, not from this external

(11:11):
source that I can't force to do anything right exactly. Yeah,
And I mean that's my reading situation right now. I
can't get enough of this shit. I'm so excited about
how much I'm consuming. I'm going to have to get
a hyperbaric chamber so I have time to read. I know,
I know you can't bring your phone in there, and
I have to because I have to time how much
time I'm in there. Yeah, but I try not to

(11:32):
be on that, you know, can see. I'm curious. Do
you find that the increased oxygen in the hyperbaric chamber
makes it easier to like focus when reading and that
kind of stuff? I mean, I can't really tell the difference.
Casey says he has more clarity when he gets out.
But I don't know. I just I know it's reducing swelling.
That's all I know. But yes, I'm not having any

(11:54):
trouble focusing on my reading. I mean, I know that
it does a lot of healing after the fact. In
there for an hour and a half or two hours
or whatever, you can withstand and then after the fact
it continues to heal you or has healing proponents. So
I know that much. And also my recovery time for
this what I did and the laser was half of

(12:15):
what it was when I didn't use the hyperbaric chamber. Also,
you guys, I have a second show in Spokane, Washington
that we added. I want you everybody to know that
because I'd like to sell that one out as well
as the first show. We added it on Thursday night
before the first show. I think that's in April. And
then I'm playing Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. Fabulous. Ah, yeah,

(12:35):
so come on, let's go to that too, because that's
almost sold out. All the other dates for a Little
Big Bitch Tour are available at Chelseahandler dot com and yeah,
I'm really excited. Most of the cities are almost sold out.
I love that, guys, go see it's gonna be so fun.
It's gonna be fun. I can't wait to get on
stage again. I have so much shit to try out
and work out and figure out that I'm really excited.

(12:57):
Usually fine that you really like this portion where you're
trying new things the most, or do you like it
when it's like really dialed in. No, I used to
like it when it was really dialed in, but I've
never been at this Lucy goosey about it, Like, I'm
just going to go to Nashville next week and really
just go up there and try shit and not use
it as like, know that it's an experiment, not that

(13:18):
it's a show. It is a show, but it's my thing.
And yeah, and just kind of not worrying too much
about where it goes or what direction it leads in. Yeah,
just like your dancing. Yeah, just like my dancing doing it.
I make dance on stage. Oh my gosh, you just
never know what to expect. I am actually reading something also.
It is one of the books that Laurel and Jackson recommended.

(13:41):
Return to Life extraordinary cases of children who remember past lives.
It is pretty interesting. It's a little bit like this
kid said this thing and it was right. So it's
a little bit of that sort of repeatedly, and then
all of a sudden in the third section, it's taken
a turn toward quantum mechanics, which is a quantum theory

(14:01):
which is sort of hard to like pay attention to
us It like what is that falling asleep? It's about
is it another dimension? Basically, it's about like the dimensionality
of space time and like how particles work and how
like how when a shooting when you see a shooting
start happened four thousand billion years ago and seeing it now, yes,
And there's also a lot of mystery to it, like yeah,

(14:23):
I bet because it's fucking confusing. It's it's hard to
read while I'm following asleep at night. But the book
itself is really interesting. He talks about like, for example,
there's one kid who's like three, and he starts talking
about a plane crash and he died in a plane
crash in his previous life, and he knows his plane
took off from a boat and it was called the
USS and Automa and they start looking into all these things.

(14:46):
It's like three year old knows where Eojima is on
the map, and they like find the person who they
think that he was who died in this crash, and
like his best friend who was on the ship with him.
It's actually like pretty bookie and pretty cool. Yeah. I've
read stuff like that where kids like speak a language
that they've never been taught at a very young age,
which makes which is nonsensical. Or they'll remember a day

(15:09):
in time. I remember reading it. I think it was
either Many Lives, Many Masters, which is another Laura Lynn
Jackson recommendation. But this kid remembering that he left his
wife and two children, and they went and found the
wife and two children were so alive, so like under
the pretense that he had been reincarnated, and as if
a young child under five remembered all of this and
where they were and that's where they were. Yeah, yeah,

(15:31):
that's the thing. It's crazy. It's like they really go
through and sort of scientifically kind of quote unquote prove
these things that this kid is saying that are correct.
It's bonkers, you know, preincarnation is a real thing. Like, fuck,
I hope this is my last go round. I don't
I don't want to come back as something like you know,
and then have to work hard again at my finding

(15:52):
myself and fucking working and uh, I just I just
want to break, you know. I'd rather be a like
a light, like a light work or in heaven and
helping people on earth do their best life. I think
Pisces are supposed to be living their last lives. Oh
that radically, it's supposed to be like, if you're Pisces,
this is your last go round. We are old souls,

(16:14):
we are true dad, sister Chelsea, I have some fun
updates for us, yes, previous episodes. That's kind of what's
really fun about these episodes is we get to hear
from a lot of folks who have thoughts or are
letting us know how things are going with them. So
we'll get this one out of the way first, since

(16:37):
I know it is not a fun topic for you,
but this is an update about our guy who is
leaving skid marks all over the girlfriend's house. I thought
it gonna be about snakes or something something murder marks. Yes,
this was a disgusting call. It was the worst about
a girl's boyfriend who sleeps over and leave skid marks

(17:00):
on the bed from his apparently all over the house
and apparently on the sofa, like because I guess he's
a Saint Bernard apparently. Well, Christie wrote in and said, Hey,
Catherine and Chelsea, I just listened to the latest episode
and wanted to let you know this skid mark situation
amongst men is more common than you think. Some men
sadly were not taught to wash their asshole in the shower.

(17:23):
They think just scrubbing me outside of the butt will suffice.
One Reddit poster was blown away and shocked that he
was supposed to quote get up in there with soap
and water. I highly recommend that this girlfriend get up
a day. The Tushi brand is easy to install and affordable. No,
I don't work for them, just very pro bi day.
Just a thought, what brand Tushi? Tushi? Yeah, they have

(17:44):
all these like at home? Baday, Well, I guess all
the days would be at home, But you're gonna go
to a restaurant and use a biday hopefully not. But
she said, love the podcast, Love you both. My deepest
sympathies to Chelsea Umberts passing. May his memory be a
blessing So It's a nice way to wind up an
email about something uncomfortable. Yeah. Oh, I thought the email
is going to be from someone the girl who was

(18:06):
dealing with No, she has not responded. Yea, she has
not responded yet. But I thought up a day as
a great idea. I'm like, I didn't even think of that.
So yeah, the day is a good idea for everybody.
I think so too. Although I am not probe day.
I feel like it's very clammy. I'm a cotton ll
wipe scale, so I like to be squeaky clean up. Yeah.
I like wipes as well. Yeah, yeah, the water is

(18:27):
too wet for me. So this is another caller who
is weighing in and I thought this was just a
really good email about postpartum depression from our Megan Trainer episode.
She does not provide a name, but this listener wrote
in with a really thoughtful email. I'm writing to weigh
in on postpartum depression from your Megan Trainer episode. There

(18:49):
was a caller who was worried her depression might come
back postpartum. I loved what Megan Trainer said, and I
wanted to add perspective from a mother of two who
went through it myself. This is what I wished I
had known at the time. This happens to so many women,
and it's incredibly overwhelming to deal with if you think
you're on your own. Secondly, and most importantly, prepare your partner.

(19:10):
Many first time moms are afraid to use their partner
because they want to be the mom who can do
it all. This is a farce, so give up that
ego game ahead of time. You will make mistakes and
struggle to understand your baby, and so will your partner,
which is okay. You'll each have a relationship with this kid,
so you need to figure it out together. Communicate expectations
together ahead of time. Side note, if your partner is male,

(19:33):
it feels like many men will grow up with the
expectation that they're not as nurturing as women, which is
another farce. I recommend taking the pressure off yourself and
allowing him space to lean into his nurturing side and
let him learn about his baby and letting him struggle
at times. Thirdly, go easy on yourself. Remember your body
will go through a roller coaster of hormones after giving birth.

(19:53):
Ride the wave. Don't get frustrated with yourself, so you
can listen to your needs and adjust. Don't resent your
body's signs and suffer through them. Take naps. You might
feel gross from sweating all night. Make sure you bathe
in a hot and cold shower. Drink electrolytes or coconut water,
and take safe supplements. Talk to your doctor. Also, have
accessible fulfilling snacks, water bottles, and electrolyte powder in all

(20:15):
rooms of the house. Hunger and diet will play a
massive role in regulating yourself. I just like love this.
I think this is good for anybody dealing with any
kind of depression, any kind of that. Lastly, expand your
support group. You might want to crawl into a shell,
but in advance, get nearby family and friends on a cycle,
not for social hour, but to watch the baby so
you can look forward to time for yourself. It's crucial

(20:36):
to staying present within yourself, and don't be afraid to
ask for help. No matter what, you'll be a great mother.
There's already so much love for this baby who doesn't
exist yet, and they'll be lucky to have you as
their mom. With love a sister, and dear Chelsea not lovely.
I thought that was just really sweet. And honestly like
good advice for anybody going through something, because we do

(20:58):
forget to do these like little self care things or
big self care things. You know. You hear about these
moms who pass out because they haven't had a sip
of water in four days, and I just thought that
was really good, solid advice. Yeah, it sounds like it.
I mean, I can't really weigh in because I don't
have postpartum and we know why exactly, so I was like, well,

(21:19):
this is good, this is like from someone. We also
have an update from Niall, who was a fan favorite
from our Julianna Margalis episode. He had gotten into a
situation where he had accrued some credit card debt because
he was working for a nonprofit helping with suicide prevention
and had been like, I don't want to have to
go back and work in the restaurant industry, but I

(21:40):
feel like that's the only way to crush this debt.
And our advice was like, go do it, get it
over with and you can move on to the next
part of your life. You know, so Nile says, speaking
to you, Chelsea, and the lovely Julianna Margulis was one
of the biggest highlights of the last year for me,
and it was an honor and delight speaking with you
and getting such good sound advice. You all continue to

(22:01):
make me think, reflect, consider, and most importantly laugh out
loud every week on the podcast, especially regarding your eggs
on an airplane scandal that recently came to light. Oh,
by the way, my friend Paige showed up with a
bag of hard boiled eggs to my house. She's like,
I was trying to hide this from you, but it's
a refrigerator. Oh my goodness, Paige and I would be

(22:22):
good friends. But she didn't take the shells off. She
had the shells on, and which I think is a
major That's something that anyone with an egg should have
as a shell. But see, Okay, so, just to play
Devil's advocate, if you have the shell on, then the
egg is exposed for a longer while you're not healing it. Though.
Remember you're just transporting them. You're not eating them on

(22:43):
the airplane. You're bringing them to your next location. I
have on occasion. Well, it's just like some of them
have survived. It's like a kidnapping. You have to think
about it as a kidnapping, because that's what you're doing
to people. You're kidnapping them with your eggs, and you
want to take the eggs and treat that's who you're kidnapping.
You take the eggs from the first location to the

(23:04):
second location, and the transit is when they are in
the trunk. Yes, yeah, it's getting hot and sweaty. We
have gotten so many emails that were like, I thought
Catherine was the only one, and lo and behold, I
smelled something terrible on my last flight, and sure enough,
it was hard boiled eggs. If you find yourself traveling
with multiple packets of salt in your pockets or your purse,

(23:27):
you might be the egg lady on an airplane. So gross.
Some woman just DM me this morning. A flight attendant
a guy with his bare feet up on the headrest
of the person in front of him, and he posted
it of his own feet, going, I hope this guy
can't smell my feet, so he's gonna have to be arrested.

(23:49):
I'm on the plane tomorrow, so I'm gonna really I'm
gonna keep my eyes out and if I see anything untoward,
I am going to confront and make a citizen's arrest
incredible well, Nila continues regarding what I incorporated post podcast.
I am ecstatic to update you that I'm entering this
new year debt free, and even more importantly, free of

(24:12):
the financial stress and anxiety that I had been crippled
with around the time we spoke. For me, you cannot
put a price on your own well being, and having
that back has meant more to me than any other
job or career ever could. I'm juggling a couple of
different jobs right now, two different waitering jobs as well
as some part time personal assistant work, which I am enjoying.
But now I have my proverbial ducts in a row financially,

(24:33):
I'm ready and eager to start exploring some new opportunities
that ideally don't involve fake smiling and laughing at leam
jokes so I can get that twenty percent tit. I
think the biggest takeaway from speaking with all of you
at Dear Chelsea was the boost to my self esteem
and helping to see my capabilities and potential way beyond
how I identified my worth in the caliber or lack
thereof whatever job I was doing, be it helping to

(24:56):
save lives through my work in suicide prevention or referring
to myself as us to waiter. So with this new mindset,
I'm very excited to get out there into a new
world of professional opportunities. He goes on to say he's
looking for more work as a PA and in administrative roles,
and with this change of mentality, the future looks really bright.
Thank you so much again for everything. The two of

(25:18):
your podcasts continue to remain a bright spot in my week.
All my love, Nile. Oh, thank you Nile. I'm so glad.
I'm so glad that all worked out. I know, I
thought that was really good. We got a lot of
responses about him and just like encouragement for him, so
I wanted to fill everybody in. He's doing great and

(25:38):
he's in New York and looking for PA work, so
you know, let me know if you need a help her.
Have a couple more updates. We have one about Brian
who was love bombed. This is not from Brian, although
I did talk to Brian. He had reached out to
this ex boyfriend again to say like, hey, I called
into this show. So he didn't highly take her advice

(26:01):
of just like cut off communication. But I thought That
was very interesting because it's sort of like he's asking
permission from this guy he's getting advice about. I wondered
about your thoughts about that he called him before he
called us, no, after he called us, I was like, Brian,
so this is from someone who had a really similar situation. Hi,

(26:23):
Chelsea and Catherine, I'm listening to this week's episode where
Brian called in about having been broken up with after
one month and possibly loved bombed by his Tinder date.
The advice you both gave him was stellar, and I
only have one quick anecdote of my own to add.
A while back, I also met the most amazing man
and we fell madly in love within a month's time,
only to have him break up with me at the

(26:43):
end of the month due to some health concerns and
his extended family, or so he said. It seemed like
valid excuses, and I let him go gracefully, but doing
so almost broke my heart. We felt so perfect together.
Five weeks after the breakup, he basically did a version
of what Chelsea dramatized on the podcast, which was to
contact me a text, and when I didn't answer, he called,

(27:05):
saying I'm his entire world, he wants to get back
with me. What ensued after that was more than eighteen
months of seemingly total bliss. We were absolutely, disgustingly in
love and crazy about each other. I won't go into detail,
but after almost two years, he slowly started to pull away,
just like he had the first month we had met.
It took me a while to catch on that he

(27:26):
was disengaging again, but when I did, I confronted him,
and again his excuses for being a bad boyfriend were
sort of valid WorkStress, new job, health concerns, but this
time I was out. I bowed out gracefully and explained
that regardless of the why, this time, this is just
not how you treat a person that you say you
love and want to spend your life with. I blocked
him from my life after that. What I mostly want

(27:48):
to say is that sometimes even if they come back,
trust what they show you the first time. People follow
patterns usually, and you're better off that he broke up
with you sooner than later. Best of luck to you, Brian.
Interesting eighteen months together and then he does the same thing. Yeah,
And I mean, obviously she had a good experience during
those eighteen months, but it's also like it's a long time.

(28:11):
It's a long time, and it's time that you're wasting
being with somebody who's not really your person. You know, Yeah,
that's hard. I guess the lesson is if someone shows you,
you know, if they pull that crap after a month
and disappear or disengage, then that's it. That's all you
need to see. Absolutely, So thank you guys for writing
in and so last month we introduced a new segment

(28:33):
sponsored by Better Help. It's called calling In Backup, and
we want to thank our partners at Better Help for
sponsoring the segment. Today we're again joined by David Yaddish,
who is a licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at
Better Help. So to our listeners, we're doing this thing
with Better Help where they're going to have a counselor
on who has actual counseling certification and credentials. And Catherine,

(28:56):
you've selected a couple of write ins right exactly. These
next few segments are going to be some trickier questions,
some more difficult questions, and I thought it would be
good to have David's help. Okay, Chelsea, I have sort
of a multipart question. She says dear Chelsea. My name
is Chelsea and I am a twenty nine year old
counselor professional. I currently work at a low income high

(29:19):
school and find my job extremely fulfilling yet very taxing
on my own mental health. As I'm sure you're well aware,
the needs of our adolescence are so high, and I
can't help but feel worn down myself. I honestly can't
imagine doing anything else but school counseling due to its
rewarding nature. But when I go home, I have nothing
left to give my partner. I've been at my school

(29:40):
for the past five years, and my own mental health
has deteriorated trying to keep up with the needs and
demands of the job. I've taken all the necessary steps
to take care of myself. I've been in therapy for years,
I exercise regularly, eat healthy, and do my best to
focus on self care. However, I'm looking to start a
family soon and I'm not sure if my career is
going to be sustainable. My questions for you are twofold

(30:02):
One if I should stay in a field that needs me.
Two your advice on repayment of my student loans. Because
I work in a low income school, I qualify for
Federal Public Service Loan forgiveness program. The stipulations under this
program include that you have to make one hundred and
twenty consecutive payments, so basically ten years of monthly payments
working at a low income school. After making one hundred

(30:24):
and twenty payments, your student loan debt will be forgiven.
I currently have seventy eight thousand dollars worth of student
loan debt and it feels crippling. I have about eight
years left until they will supposedly be paid off. The
problem is I can't guarantee I'll be at my school
for the next eight years because of how hard it is.
I don't know how much longer I can work in

(30:45):
a field that takes so much of myself. Do I
put my mental health first and have a career change,
or do I stay at a school where I'm extremely
valued and continue to use my gifts, or do I
focus on finding my own inner peace and balance. Thank
you for your time and helping me weigh my options. Sincerely,
a burnt out counselor m Okay, Dave, let's let you

(31:07):
go first on this one. Absolutely so, this is something
that's very close to my own heart because when I
first started and graduated, I worked in community mental health
myself for seven years. It is taxing, it can be grueling.
It can lead to so much compassion, fatigue, and burnout.
And the first thing I want to say about that
is therapists are needed everywhere. Like you can't pour from

(31:30):
an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself
and you have to do the things that are right
for you, and whether that means staying in a job
that you love and you feel you're really getting a
lot for or moving to something that's a little bit
different that feels more rejuvenating or feels more engaging. At
the moment, you know there's benefit to both of those options,
but you have to care for yourself. It's such a

(31:51):
ruling feel to be with people, especially younger people that
are struggling with so much in society right now. You
have to give yourself some self care. Yeah. I wonder
also if there's a lateral move here. I don't know
what the parameters are, but maybe you could still qualify
for this loan forgiveness program if you went to a
different location or some other way where you're still doing therapy.

(32:13):
In a way that qualifies for this loan forgiveness, but
isn't maybe as hard as what you're doing right now.
It'll probably be hard anywhere you go right in this field,
but it will be a different kind of hard. So
a couple of other thoughts that come up as well.
You know, I had a mentor who said, you know where,
you're going through a tough time, and specifically she was

(32:34):
referring to in times of grief. But I think there
is a certain amount of emotional heaviness that goes with
your job that this applies to that as well. And
something she always would say is triple your self care
during times like that. So it sounds like you're already
doing a lot, but if there's anything else you can do,
maybe it's adding massage, maybe it's adding more sleep. Anywhere

(32:55):
that you can find some restoration, some self soothing and
some self care think is going to be really helpful
for you. And the other thing is maybe you need
a sabbatical, especially when you're in such a tough role,
taking some time where maybe you're just taking an overall break.
Maybe it's six months, maybe it's a year, if you
can afford to do that, or do something else for

(33:16):
the time being so that you can restore yourself so
you can fill up your own cup. If it's possible,
Maybe that's something that you can do, and maybe during
that time you do start your family, but that way
you're not saddled with both of those responsibilities at the
same time of starting your family and dealing with everybody
else's stuff. That could be an option as well, depending

(33:39):
on the parameters of this loan forgiveness and to that end,
maybe there's even a lateral move within your school. Potentially
you could move to part time or even part time
in the role that you're in and doing part time
with something else. But talk to your higher ups and
see if there's something else that could be a good
fit for you while you're still fulfilling your role in

(34:01):
your obligations. But maybe all of your day doesn't need
to be spent, you know, with this sort of trauma
dumping that therapists go through. Yeah, I would just prioritize
your mental health because again, you can't help anybody when
you're just unempty. Absolutely, and also because she's, you know,
planning on starting a family, I think you also have
to take into consideration that that will also be an

(34:23):
additional drain on your energy and taxing to you, so
you're potentially taking on even more. Might not be a
good fit to stay there anymore. What do you think
about the monetary component to that, David. So that's a
tough one because I participated in the student loan forgiveness
myself for quite some time, and at some point it
it got to that point where I just had to

(34:45):
kind of make the next step that was right for me.
But like you said, there are a ton of lateral moves.
There are so many spaces in community mental health in
the public school system that are just so open for
any support that they can get. And if that's what
where you feel called and that's where it feels good
for you, there's places to go. And if it's not

(35:06):
right here, it's somewhere else. Great, anything else we want
to say about that one? Or do we feel we
feel good about it? Yeah? I feel good about that awesome, great,
well burnt out counselor, You've gotten a couple of different
pieces of advice, So let us know what you decide
to do and let us know what you name your baby.

(35:27):
Thank you again to calling it in backups Sponsor Better Help,
and of course of David Yadash, who is a licensed
therapist and clinical operations manager at Better Help. Great, Well, Chelsea,
we're going to take a quick break and we'll be
right back with some callers. Okay, and we're back and well.

(35:50):
Our first question comes from LB Dear Chelsea, I'm a
thirty four year old female and after taking a two
year break from dating for a multitude of reasons, I'm
ready to jump back in. I know that online dating
is probably my best bet to break out of my
bubble and meet someone new. Here's the catch. I've suffered
from trick otilamania since college. If you don't know what

(36:12):
this is, it's a compulsive, body focused repetitive behavior where
I pull hair from my head and eyebrows. I've been
in therapy for it for well what feels like forever,
and have recently gotten my trick under control. My hair
pulling became pretty extreme around five ish years ago, and
I began wearing wigs to cover the damage I had
done to my quote natural hair. After getting shamed and

(36:34):
laughed at for wearing terrible wigs while going out, I
finally coughed up the money for a real lace front
and listen. It looked good, maybe too good. Fast forward
to now, my natural hair has grown out, and I'm
actually pretty proud of the way it looks. I'm still
embarrassed of my hairline where the pulling was the worst,
and I'm not sure I'm ready to wear my natural
hair out in public. All that's to say, I would

(36:55):
assume if I were dating someone, they would see me
in my natural element quite often. So here's my predicament.
All of my photos on social media and the way
I present myself on the daily is wearing my beautiful wig.
At what point during the dating process do I need
to disclose that I wear a wig to my potential partner?
Do I need to tell them why. I don't want
to seem like I'm catfishing or presenting a false pretense

(37:17):
for how I actually look to a potential partner. But
I also don't want to trauma dump on someone and
give them too much information before actually meeting in person. Also,
if you have any advice on how to eventually shed
this thing and gain confidence in my new self and
stop ahem, wigging out, I'd greatly appreciate that too. Thanks
Chelsea lb lb okay, I thought this was a really

(37:39):
good question. I actually had a friend who had this
years ago, and sheafa love and happiness. So there's hope
for our friend here. I mean, I think that it's
not front loaningg it, but it's disclosing it at an
appropriate time. You know. It's like you could tell someone, oh,
by the way, I wear a wig, it's for medical
reasons and not even getting into what they are. If

(38:00):
you want to let them know, like if you're going
to be intimate and they're going to find out, then
frontload it that way. Don't frontload it like it's the
first thing that you tell somebody that you're meeting online.
It's not necessary. Once you meet in person and there's
some chemistry and there's some sort of investment on either's behalf,
then I think you can say, oh, I wear a wig.
I can explain it to you further down the road
if we continue seeing each other, I'll explain it to you.

(38:21):
But it's not anything you need to know about right now.
I just want to let you know so there's no surprises,
because I think physical stuff like that, you know, you
want someone to be forthright, forthcoming. I think, yeah, I agree,
I think you know. I don't think it's a before
you meet them thing. I think it's like several dates
in when you actually feel like you want to get
to know this person more. If there's gonna be hair

(38:42):
pulling and stuff like that in bed, obviously they need
to know. But it's not the sort of thing I
think you need to mention on a first date or
maybe even a second Like if you get to date
three and you're like, I actually do want to keep
seeing this person, then maybe that's the time to mention it.
And I think Chelsea's right, just sort of a casual
mention of like, hey, I wear this for medical reasons.
I like the way it looks. Maybe it's just even that,

(39:04):
like I really like the way it looks. And as
far as getting back to your natural hair, I would
say absolutely unlista stylus. That's kind of obvious, but maybe
start with like a short crop and see how you
like that so you don't feel like the burden is
on your hair to look full and luxurious. There are

(39:24):
so many like pixie cuts and even kind of longer
pixie cuts right now that are just super cute and
you'll be able to give it like a lot of
body so that it looks fantastic and you don't have
to worry about any like stringiness or old growth that's
not quite as full as what's shorter and what's grown
back in. And also for hair growth, there's a lot

(39:45):
of product out there, and I personally used this thing
called harklinikin Hark Lincoln. I can't say it's it's I mean,
I think it's a few hundred dollars, but they have
solutions for hair growth and you apply it to your
hair all the time. I've used it for over year
now and it helps my hair become thicker. So look
into that. It's h A r K and then Hark Lincoln,

(40:07):
Hark Lincoln, Hark Lincoln in I can never fucking does.
Start googling Hark and hair and maybe you'll find also
there's tons of hair and vitamin pills. I'm sure you're
already taking those. They have gummies, all that stuff. But
sometimes like a refresh on your hair can be a
good thing. Like I know a family friend of mine
she lost all her hair with chemotherapy and it came

(40:28):
back in like super cute and wavy. She was always
someone who had there's a very specific hairstyle, and now
she's got like a sweet cute pixy cut, and she
looks incredible with short hair, so don't be afraid to
go short well. Our next question is a coller. This
question comes from Jay Dear Chelsea. I'm twenty five years

(40:51):
old and i live half the time in an adorable
apartment with a good friend from college, and half the
time at my thirty year old boyfriend's house. We've been
dating for over three years. I'm very independent and value
my space and alone time, so I've enjoyed this arrangement
of splitting time between my place and his. However, I'm
starting to feel ready for the next step, moving in together.

(41:12):
I love many things about my boyfriend, but what I
don't love is his cleaning habits. I'm not a neat
freak by any means, but his kitchen in particular gets
really gross. He has a habit of letting things pile
up for a long time and then having a binge
clean all at once that takes several hours, if not
all day. I've had several talks with him throughout the
years about how my mental health is really affected by

(41:34):
my environment and the degree of MESSI accumulates gives me
intense anxiety. At times, I've tried to encourage him to
do just a little bit of cleaning on a consistent
basis so it's not so stressful and doesn't take him
as long When he does get to it. There are
times I can see he's making a conscious effort to
make sure I'm comfortable, but it's still not consistent, and
it always inevitably piles up again. He owns a business

(41:56):
which is very difficult and time consuming, and he has ADHD,
which I know contributes to his habits, so I start
to feel like the bad guy when I continually confront
him about it. Additionally, his house is quite small and
he has a lot of stuff. He says he would
make room for me, but I just can't imagine how
there would be any space for me in my life
if I were to move in. I fantasized about getting

(42:18):
a bigger house that would be hours together, where we
could start fresh. But he owns this house, and I
know there's a lot of renovation he wants to do
before he would be ready to sell. I'm also very
averse to renovation. While I'm living in the space, I'm
starting to feel like there's no good path forward, but
I don't want to end the relationship over something that
seems like it should be fixable. Thanks in advance, Jay,

(42:40):
Hi Jay, Oh my gosh, Hi, thank you guy. I'm
so excited but also pretty nervous. Oh, you're going to
do great, Jay. You guys have been together? How long
did you say? About three and a half years? Coming
up on that? Huh? So I used to be like
this too. I just didn't know how to do dishes,

(43:02):
quite frankly, because somebody always did them for me, whether
it was my childhood growing up in my family, or
my mom or you know, my housekeeper now. But now
when I'm in Whistler, I on it because I'm the
only one here most of the time. And it's not
that hard to get into the habit of just washing
your dishes after you use them or putting them in
the dishwasher after you use them. You can create that

(43:23):
new habit fairly quickly. So if it's this is such
amounted for you, first of all, you shouldn't move into
his house until you sort this out, because you're gonna
if you have anxiety from dishes, you're gonna have it.
What is his response to you when you talk about
the dishes and how have you broached it with him?
So I try to be communicative about it, but it's

(43:46):
very hard for me to express how I feel without
getting emotional, which I understand. It is kind of my
red flag. So when I do get upset about it,
he usually will like jump into action right then, But
it's not like a consistent priority for himself, and he

(44:08):
can't seem to like get into those good habits and
make his own space good for his mental health, right, Okay,
And you get emotional when you talk about the dishes. Yeah,
just like my environment I think impacts my mind state.

(44:28):
Growing up was kind of in a little bit of
a chaotic household. So as I've gotten out of that
house and on my own, it's become more freeing for
me to keep my space cleansed and organized and everything. Well,
it sounds like you're really good on your own without
the influence of that. It sounds like you don't want

(44:50):
to live with someone, even though you may think you do,
because if those are the circumstances that he brings to
the table, and you can't accept that and you need
it to change, Like I don't know how that's going
to be helpful for you to be living in that environment.
You're obviously like having a sense of control over the
hygiene of your place, and the only way to maintain
that integrity, based on what you're telling us about your boyfriend,

(45:11):
is for you to continue living in separate places, right.
I mean, you can only explain to him so much
what you need if he's not willing to do it,
and you're not willing to get over it, Like you
can either let it go and come to peace with it,
or become at peace with it, or he has to change,
And it doesn't sound like either two of those things
are likely. Yeah, I feel like part of it is.

(45:33):
My only other long term relationship was also three and
a half years, So I think I'm feeling this like
internal pressure to kind of figure things out and ask
the big questions like can I actually live with him?
So that's where a lot of the pressure is coming
from right now. Yeah, I mean, because if you could

(45:55):
move into a new place, you could set up a
new dynamic, right, and that's your place together. But if
it's his place, these are his habits, it's unlikely that
they're going to change when you move in unless you're
able to communicate to him how important it is to you,
maybe without being emotional, you know what I mean, because
it's that's an unfair pressure that that adds to the situation,

(46:16):
especially when we're talking about dishes. It doesn't have to
go there. It's just something that makes you feel safe
and comfortable, is a clean house and having a really normal,
loving conversation about that with him, that you do want
to move forward in this relationship, that you are eager
to see where this is going. But these are the
things that are kind of making you uneasy. And I mean,

(46:36):
if it's said in the right way and in the
right tone, I just can't imagine that he wouldn't be able.
It's not It doesn't have to be you yelling at
him or bickering or picking him apart. It doesn't have
to have that tone. It can be about why it's
important for you, not what's wrong with him or why
he's not doing it right. Yeah, And part of why

(46:57):
I do get emotional, I feel as it seems like
it's always I'm the one wanting him to work on
something or change something and be better, and he never
really has a bad thing to say about what I'm doing,
so I get hesitant to even like bring it up. Yeah,
but you can't because communication is everything, and if you're

(47:18):
not communicating, then then you're just you're not doing any
favors to yourself by holding this in or by having
all these feelings. It's an issue for you, and it
just has to be about your issues when you're discussing
it with him, it's not about him. It's like I
want to feel safe. He wants you to move in, right, yeah, yeah,
And so have you said anything at all about the

(47:38):
dish situation and moving in? Yeah, even just yesterday. Because
I stay with him on the weekends and on Sunday,
I kind of feel like motivated to get cleaned up
and stuff. So I've tried to make that a habit
for us to do together and like I'll help him
out a little bit. And I expressed like, I just

(47:59):
don't know how I'll ever be able to live with you,
Like it doesn't feel like there's space for me. And
he said, I want you to move in whenever you
feel ready, but it sounds like you don't think I'm ready,
and I was like, yes, I mean with specifically the
dishes issue, I think that when something like that is

(48:23):
not getting done on a consistent basis, there's a missing system.
So if there's a way for you to like take
emotion out of it and just be like, Okay, what's
the system that's broken? Here? Is it they're not getting
done every night before he goes to bed or whatever
the case may be, Helping him work that into his
routine might be really helpful. But also, if you guys
do move in together, you're both going to be a

(48:44):
part of that space, so like it does need to
be kept clean for your sanity. And I think if
he's a person who likes to binge chores, maybe he's
the guy who does the laundry and he cooks and
you do the dishes. You know, maybe that's something that
you figure out like who does what and put the
system in place. So it's like great, I know, I
don't have to worry about this anymore because it's my

(49:05):
space too, and he's doing these other things that are
a little more like binge able and work to his strengths.
But I do agree, like it's really tricky to try
and move into their space, especially if things aren't getting
purged that are taking up the entire spot answer me this,
are you in a position that, like you guys could
buy a place together. I fantasize about that, and I

(49:31):
think that, you know, if he were to sell his house,
it could be possible. But it seems like he's kind
of solid in this house for a while. There's a
lot of changes he wants to make, and he has
a whole workshop set up in the basement. I have
a feeling that if he is someone who is not
getting the dishes on in a consistent basis, and he

(49:53):
has ADHD. As someone with ADHD, he will not finish
projects that he starts in his house if he's planning
on doing them himself. If you do you really want
to move in with him, you gotta nippet in the
bud and be like, you know what, these are never
going to get done, or let's hire someone to get
them done by a year from now, six months from now,
whatever the case may be, like put a time limit

(50:13):
on it. I mean, I have a friend who has
been renovating the only bathroom in his home for two years.
He is a man in his forties who has to
bathe in the bath every single time. He wants to
clean himself as well as his wife and children, because
his bathroom is not finished. Like, there are certain people
who are going to at finishing projects, and there are
a certain people who are going to starting projects, and

(50:34):
people with ADHD are amazing at starting projects but not
always finishing them. So I think you got to put
some time limits. I will say it's not like just
the dishes, because I can be guilty of that too, sure,
but it's as simple as food trash. Just put it
in the trash can instead of on the counter. Also,

(50:56):
his bathrooms are actually not bad SOPs to him. Yeah,
I like, how are the bathrooms and she's that they're
they're pretty clean, so there's help. But another thing is
like his driveway. He has like a junk driveway, one
of those houses that you drive by and you're like,
that's a lot of crap. Yeah, I mean Chelsea, I

(51:18):
think she's you guys have to get a place that's
yours together, even if it's renting for a little while.
I think if this is gonna work, it has to
be both here. It's hard to go into someone else's
place and set up new rules or systems. As Catherine
put it, which I think is accurate. All of these
things are just going to start to annoy you even
more than they already do, Like you're already irked by them,

(51:38):
and like, listen, you have a choice to be bothered
by it or not be bothered by it, but you
are bothered by it, right. It may not seem like
a choice to you, but it is like you could
be able to overlook it if you really wanted to,
but you're just like, no, this is important to me,
and by the virtue of its importance to you, it
should be important to him too. And it just sounds
like everything you're describing it is going to drive you crazy.

(52:00):
So you I don't think that it's a smart decision
to move into his place. I mean, I'm not saying
to break up with him, but I think you got
to have something where you're meeting in the middle. Like,
you know, if you move into a place together, you
can set the tone about what's going to happen. Dish wise,
And it's not a hard habit to just get into
putting your dishes in the dishwasher after you eat food.
It actually feels really good to take care of that

(52:21):
stuff in real time. From somebody who didn't used to
know how to do that stuff like not know how,
but I would just was like, oh fuck it. There
was always you know, dishes in the sink. Somebody will
get it, not me, And it's like, oh no, it's
kind of nice to do it yourself and be like
an adult not a baby. Yeah, this stuff can go
into nagging territory so quickly, and I think you have

(52:43):
the seed of what is going to help, which is like,
assuming you guys do move in together, there can be
cues that are not nagging. So it's like, great, dinner's over,
let's hop up and do the dishes, and you do
it together. It takes five minutes, you know that sort
of thing. Having cues for like this just happened, now
this has to happen is very good for an ADHD brain.
And having cues rather than it being like why didn't

(53:05):
you do the dishes last night? Like those are very
different things, you know. Yeah. I think definitely getting to
like a clean slate where we can just join forces
and make it like new systems. Does he come to
your house at all? Does he spend time at yours? Rarely?
Because he also has two dogs and my roommate my

(53:25):
apartment has a cat so it's just a lot yeah right, Yeah,
And are you feeling like this might be your guy,
this is your person? Yeah? Yeah, then I think if
that's the case, then I really think it would be
prudent to wait and do something together and be very
honest about it, you know, in a non emotional way,

(53:46):
like I really want to be with you, but these
things just really irk me, and I don't want to
put us in a dynamic where I'm going to start
to really resent you and not want to be in
this relationship right now. I want to be in this relationship,
but I think there's room for improvement. And that's not
just for him, that's room for your acceptance of him.
So you guys can meet in the middle. He can
move a little and you can also move a little. Yeah, okay,

(54:09):
Like there could be rules, you know, if it's food
on a plate, a plate can be in the sink,
but it can't have food on it. You at least
have to wipe the food off, you know, and rinse
it out, rinse it out. You know, that's less of
an affront than looking into a sink filled with dirty
silverware and all of that stuff. Yes, agreed, So yeah,
I mean there's room for compromise, but I definitely think

(54:29):
you just have to frontload all of this, be very honest.
You'll be amazed at what like real honesty yields, you know,
especially from the other person. It's a good practice to
get into for your whole relationship and any other relationships
in your life. Definitely, well, keep us posted, Jay, I'm
interested to see one and if you guys move in together.
But yeah, I think there's a big conversation coming about,

(54:51):
like it should be a different space, like a new
space that's a clean slate and no dead cars in
the driveway. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, Well, good
luck with everything, Jay. I'll see you on the Little
Big Bitch Tour. Okay, I'll see you. Which city are
you coming to? Probably Eachattanooga, Oh, Tennessee. Okay, I'll see

(55:15):
you there, Jay. All right, good luck by They'll get
it figured out. I think I think she's right. I
think that problem is very fixable. It just it's gonna
take some communication and some some solves, some fixes. Yeah,
I mean, people can influence each other. Like when I
dated Joe Ky, he made the bed every morning, even
though like I have a housekeeper in my house. Even

(55:37):
when we were in hotels, he would make the bed
every morning, And now I make the bed every morning
because I'm just like, that's nice. I'm gonna do that too.
It just feels like an adult thing to do. It
does help set your day out, even regardless of whether
your bed is getting made or not. It's like, it's
good to do that for yourself. It is, it is.
I think for me this sort of thing changed during

(55:58):
the pandemic of like make in my bed every day,
making sure every dish is done every night, you know,
for the most part, just because I was like, this
is the only space where we're in. I used to
be much more like, you know, we wouldn't say day's
worth of dishes in the sink. But being trapped in
one space all the time definitely helped me like get
into routines of like every night, everything is clean before

(56:20):
I go to bed. But they'll get it figured out.
I think they will. I think it also helps her
boyfriends a little older than her two because she's twenty
five and he's thirty, so he's at a place where
he should be doing the dishes every night. Our next
call comes from Dana, Dear Chelsea. I'm currently listening to

(56:44):
your podcast with Psychic Media Laurel and Jackson, and I
feel so strongly compelled to write in and ask for
your advice. My husband and I have been married for
almost seventeen years. He has two wonderful children from a
previous marriage, and we have a fifteen year old son together.
I've been in my stepchildren's lives since they were seven
and four, so I know them well and I love

(57:06):
them very much. My stepdaughter and I have grown very
close over the years. She's now twenty three years old.
My stepson is twenty seven years old, and we've given
him even more attention and focus than my stepdaughter throughout
his life. Although he's never been missed or personality. Over
the last few years, my stepson has been acting increasingly strange.

(57:27):
I can't put it into words, but even my husband
and mother in law say that he's strange. I, on
the other hand, have grown more and more uncomfortable around
him and feel such bad energy when he's around. Ooh.
It's not just a negative energy, but something more that
my gut and intuition won't let go of. It's reached
the point where I don't trust him and I feel
that my younger child is not safe around him for

(57:48):
some reason. I have no actual, real evidence of this,
but I can't shake off this feeling of bad energy,
and I'm almost starting to feel anxious and afraid when
he's around. I'm not wondering how to get rid of
these saws because they have been so pervasive that I
feel like I need to pay attention to them. Do
you have any advice as to what I should do?
Thank you for being a light in my life, always

(58:08):
making me laugh, and for being a beautiful, smart, unapologetic
and badass a woman. Love you, Dana, Hi, Dana, Hi,
Dana Hi? Hi? How are you hi? Okay? So he's
twenty seven, so he's an adult. So how often is
he around you? Guys? He doesn't live with you, guys? No, No, lately,

(58:29):
much less. When he was younger, almost all the time,
there was no restriction on, you know, when he could visit.
As he got older, you know, you get busier. But
now it's almost like he is acting more and more strange.
So I don't know. So the more that happens, the
less we're seeing him. So do you have any sort

(58:53):
of descriptors for this type of strange. Is it like
he's angry? Is it awkwardness? Like, what does that feel like? Exactly?
It's that it's all of that. And then the reason
I said trusting my gutes is because I feel like
there's something more and I don't know if I should
be careful about it or you know what I mean.

(59:14):
I just don't know what it is. That there's just
something else, and you know, I need to protect my child.
Of course, absolutely, No, they've known each other obviously. I've
known him since he's a little boy, since he's seven
years old. He's never been like mister personality. But now
it's just it's reached a point where even my husband

(59:37):
acknowledges that there's something strange going on. So I don't
really know what to do with that. With I guess
the intuition, Yeah, well, I think you're always have to
trust your intuition. That's mother's intuition, female intuition, like that's
kind of inarguable. That's your priority as your child, and
this guy is an adult, so he's not in your

(59:58):
life that much, you know, And you know, it doesn't
even matter what it matters how it makes you feel, right,
it doesn't matter what the behavior is. It just matters
that your spidy senses are kind of up, and I
think you have to have an honest conversation with your
husband about the boundaries that you want to create and
explain to him that, like, you're not just going to
take a chance something doesn't sit right with you, and

(01:00:20):
you're not going to ignore that feeling and that you
have to behave in the best interests of your younger
child or children. Sorry, you said you have two children, right.
I have a stepdaughter, so she's younger. Also her I've
known her her whole life. But my son's fifteen, okay,
and my stepdaughter is great, Like, she's amazing. She's so different,

(01:00:42):
very ambitious, very smart, very hard working, you know, always
wants to be around and very open and talkative. I
totally agree with Chelsea. I think you absolutely must listen
to your gut. And maybe that's not saying he's never
allowed in my home, but maybe that's like anytime he's
in my home, I'm in the room when he's with

(01:01:04):
my younger son. Like, I think that is absolutely totally
fine to have a role for yourself with that or
that your husband's in the room or whatever, because your
gut is telling you this for a reason, Like if
those spidy senses are absolutely there for a reason, are
there any sort of behaviors you can point to? I mean,
is it like he's hurting animals or is there any
that kind of stuff or is it more like he's

(01:01:26):
very reclusive and yeah, he's becoming a lot more awkward.
He won't even to ask like can I talk to
you about this behavior or this He's just don't say anything.
They'll be like nope, again, I don't want to say
that this is what I think it might be. But
he's a little touchy feely with my son and even

(01:01:48):
in front, and I know now as my son's getting older,
he doesn't like that stuff. So the other and like
he was he had his hand around his waist rather
than like his show, which I well. I think it's
also important to have your husband have a conversation with
his son about possibly talking to someone like a professional,

(01:02:09):
and you know, have it be between them, like listen,
you're not comfortable and it's not your You don't have
the responsibility that you have to talk to him. He's
got a father who can say like listen. I think
it's important that you sit down with somebody and see
if there's an avenue there to pursue, like see if
he's amenable to that, you know, or open to doing that,
even if it was like group therapy or something that

(01:02:30):
seemed bless you know, I'm sure he might be resistant,
but you should definitely open the conversation. And of course
you have to relay this to your husband and let
him know that, like you have to set up some
boundaries for the safety of your child, that your child
feels it and you feel it, like that's it, that's
all that you need, you know, agreed. I think you know.

(01:02:51):
And maybe it's even like father and son go to
a family therapy possessions, you know, like the two of
them going together to be able to talk some of
this stuff out. But I think there's also a conversation
to have with your younger son about like, if anything
happens that makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to let
me know. Also it's okay to say like I'm not
comfortable with that, empowering him to have that language as well,

(01:03:13):
you know, if there's too much touchy feeliness, Yeah, that
sounds great. It's really like my husband's call because again
he has a mother, he has a father, and maybe
it's your husband saying he wants to go into therapy
with his kids. Maybe he can reframe it, like your
stepdaughter and him and the stepson. Maybe they all go
together to kind of make it a different dynamic so

(01:03:36):
he doesn't feel like he's being attacked or targeted or something.
You know that it's more of a family affair in
the name of the safety for the rest of the family.
Like obviously, if you ignore something and people's behavior escalate
and escalate, it's always headed in a bad direction. When
people become reclusive and they become isolated and all of
those things like those are red flags, and to ignore

(01:03:59):
it a disservice to him, Like you're not helping him
at all by ignoring it, and his father's not helping
him by ignoring it. So something has to happen. You know,
if you watch any of these shows about true crime
and stuff, it's just like always leading up to this.
You see this behavior and it's worth calling out and
addressing before things get carried away, because even though it's

(01:04:23):
not your responsibility, it's part of your life, right And
does he have a job. He does, but he's like
in a retail job. But he's not ambitious. And it's
just so weird because my husband's got a great job.
My stepdaughter just finished school and she's she's so driven

(01:04:43):
and ambitious and she's going to be a professional. He
has like great role models in his life, but it's
in him. He's not driven, he's awkward, he's an escalating.
It's just trusting my gut. Like I said, it won't
go away, So I really do want to do something. Yeah, well,
he sounds depressed also, so like your husband can bring

(01:05:05):
it that up. I mean, if you want to make
it a direct thing and not a family thing, it
can be. We're concerned. You know, you seem very depressed,
like you're not acting normal, You're not acting like yourself.
So yeah, but you should definitely put up some boundaries
and make sure that you're protected, that your son is protected,
that nobody's alone with him, you know, including you. You
shouldn't be alone with him either. Good point. Yeah, and

(01:05:28):
you know, maybe also just to like make sure everything
up to this point has been okay for your son,
maybe having him go to a couple of sessions with
a counselor too, just to you know, just to clear
the air, make sure everything's going all right with him. Yeah,
he actually does some one himself. So I can have
him address that and say, like what does he think
of his behavior in the last few years. Yeah, and

(01:05:51):
how your son feels about it too, you know, like
is he feeling uncomfortable? You know, maybe the therapist can
help give him some language for that as well, for
when uncomfortable situations do arise, and making sure that your
son doesn't end up alone with him on his own volition,
like that they're not making plans without you that you
don't know about, you know, yes, right, right, right, yeah, okay,

(01:06:14):
all right, So just but do address it. You have
to address it. Don't leave it, because that could be
a dangerous person, you know what I mean. You don't
know what he's doing in his private time and his
private life. Definitely address it because we need more people
to say things, you know, when when stuff like this
is around us, right, like my like my mother in law,
his grandmother, she's even saying, you know, like I don't

(01:06:37):
know what he does in his life. Nobody really knows,
Like his own mother. He's so defensive and secretive, and
I don't want to pry. I just want him to
like start I want to feel safe. Yeah, and and
like you started to help him too, if you start
acting like less defensive and less weird. Yeah, so well, Dana, um,

(01:07:00):
keep us posted. I know this is like a pretty
tricky situation, but yeah, let us know what you guys
decide to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's not an incident,
it's like an ongoing yeah yeah, but just you know
that your instinct and you can relay this to your husband, like,
it's not negotiable. This is your child. It's the most
important thing in the world to you. You're not willing
to negotiate on this. This is a big issue. It's

(01:07:22):
been bothering you for some time, and you have to
trust yourself because God forbid anything happened to your son,
you would never forgive yourself. No, no, no, because it's
also pervasive thought. It's like yes, I'm sure, I'm sure,
And you can get yourself some ease, you know too,
by having open conversations about it, not around it about it.

(01:07:42):
Yeah yeah, yeah, that's very good point. So we've been
doing okay, good, good, Okay, We'll definitely keep us posted.
Thank you for calling. I love you too, honey. Thanks
Dana so much. I mean, honestly, like that is the
best advice we can give to any woman, is like,
if something feels off, it is it is off. Yes, absolutely,

(01:08:05):
Intuition is everything and we need to trust it. It's
a knowing. We all have it, and you know what
you feel, it's like in your stomach. Lately, it's in
your stomach. You bring up true crime. Like our last
apartment that we were in, there was this couple that
lived below us, and they were like maybe in their fifties.
So you don't think like that's going to be so
dramatic or whatever, but this couple in their fifties, they

(01:08:26):
would have these horrible, nasty fights and they were usually verbal,
but it escalated during the pandemic when they're like stuck
at home together and I would say to Brad, I'm like,
he's going to hurt her, he's going to kill her,
partially because he would say I'm gonna kill you. I'm
gonna kill you. And I told myself, these thoughts are
coming up for me, like he's saying these horrible things

(01:08:48):
and like he's threatening her, he's gonna do it, And
I thought, you know, I just watched too much true crime.
I just listened too many true crime podcasts, And sure enough,
a couple of years ago, he attempted to kill her
and then he killed himself, and she thankfully survived and
is doing well now, and he did not. But I

(01:09:09):
was just, you know, I had this overwhelming feeling, and
we call the police several times, being like, this is happening.
Of course, they came too late to do anything about
it anytime that it was happening. But just trust your gut, like,
don't convince yourself. Your gut is just you're making too
big of a deal about it, Like put safeguards there
for yourself whenever you can. I was watching that My
Lovers was My Killer thing on Netflix. That's a true

(01:09:32):
crime thing about people, you know, who got into really
controlling relationships with men who eventually murdered them. And women
did it too, but obviously not at such a high rate.
But it's like, all the signs lead to the same
fucking thing. The controlling behavior, the phone, isolating you from
your family, you're not talking to your parents anymore, you
move away from your friends, you're not allowed to go

(01:09:53):
out with your friends, and then the abuse starts and
then the abuse escalates and then they fucking kill you.
It's always lead to the same shit. There's no one
that's controlling that just gets over it that all of
a sudden has come to Jesus and it's like, oh,
you know what, this is toxic. It always goes down
a very controlling line of behavior. It always escalates. It's

(01:10:15):
we're going to de escalate without like extreme intervention, or
you get yourself out of the situation. You know, you
leave the situation. Well, let's take a quick break and
we'll be right back to wrap up and we're back. Well, Chelsea,
I have a question that I could ask you for

(01:10:36):
advice about teenagers. My sweet Niees, she and my other
niece are coming to visit in a couple of weeks,
and since you're a great auntie who has nieces visiting
all the time, my question is, what do you talk
about with teenagers kind of struggle with this? Oh my god,
whatever they want to talk about is what you talk

(01:10:57):
about with teenagers. It's a loop to them. I mean,
this weekend I had Kelley, my ski buddy, her girls,
the twins that I always have up here, you know,
and it's just whatever the fuck they want. I have
to play games. I have to play cards, I have
to play whatever. I just to keep them entertained. They
want to go out to eat, they want to, but

(01:11:18):
you know, one of them's boy crazy and one of
them's not. And one of them is on her phone
all the time and the other one isn't, and so
it's like it's different skill sets. But you just have
to whatever they are into, you need to get into
and that'll be easy for you. You're good at that,
Believe me. I get exhausted. I'm like, okay, I've been
doing this fucking two hours. I have to continue to
play this card game. But it's you know, that time

(01:11:40):
when it becomes easier, I know what you mean, though,
You're like, how do you get a conversation going because
you're in such different places. But I think the less
pressure you put on it, the more natural the situation becomes,
you know what I mean, Like, it's okay if there's
you don't have to keep every minute loaded with activities.
They want to be on their phones half the time anyway,
And you know, the nice conversations I think come naturally

(01:12:03):
when you are playing a game that you don't want
to play when you are out to dinner, you know,
like you do all the things and then it just
kind of flows. So yeah, but it's definitely not about you.
And I was like, I just know, like, don't ask
them about school because I think that's a boring question. Yeah,
you got to ask them about their friend dynamics, about boys.
I don't know all that stuff. Yes. I one of

(01:12:27):
my friends kids once was telling like she opened up
to me and was like saying, oh, you know me
and my friends, So we think we're gonna try like
a weed candy thing. It was like one of those
nerd ropes, but it had cannabis in it. And I
was like, okay, well, like do you know how many
milligrams are in it and everything? She's like, oh, it's
one hundred and we're gonna split it four ways. I
was like, you will lose your mind. Don't do this.

(01:12:49):
So I like to pry a little bit and be like, um,
just try like one one and try that. Yeah. I know,
definitely pry because that's how you get information. But I
like to always be like I'm on your level. You know,
I'm with you, see you with me. I try to
be a cool Auntie, I try, I try. Yeah, well, Chelsea,

(01:13:11):
this was super fun today. Yes, it was anything else
we want to say to wrap up, Netflix specialist called Revolution.
It's streaming on Netflix. And I just won the Comedy
Icon Award of the Year. Yes, varieties Comedy Icon of
the Year. How cool is that? Listen? Was there any
other choice? There was? I don't know. I don't know

(01:13:32):
how They're fun. Oh that's so excited. Yes, and I
will see everyone. Well, I'll see everyone on tour, a
little big bitch tour. Yes, I've added some new dates.
I added a date in Monticello, New York. I'm coming
to Colorado to Red Rocks Amphitheater. I'm coming to Calamazoo,
and then I'm coming to a bunch of places in Tennessee, Memphis, Knoxville,
and Chattanooga. That's May nineteenth, twentieth, and twenty first. And

(01:13:56):
then I'll be in Atlantic City June tenth, which is
almost still doubt. So go to Chelsea howm com for tickets. Oh, well,
see you guys very soon. Okay, take care. A note
on our segment calling in Backup with Better Health. David
Yaddish's input is general psychological information based on research and
clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature.
It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or

(01:14:19):
professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. David's feedback is
in response to a written question, and therefore there are
likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because
you might hear something on the show that sounds similar
to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis. Diagnosis is
not required to find relief, and you'll want to find
a qualified professional to assess and to explore diagnoses if

(01:14:41):
that's important to you. If you or your partner are
in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
please reach out for support to crisis hotlines or local
authorities have a safety plan and that can be done
with a therapist too. So if you like advice from Chelsea,
just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at
gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio,

(01:15:03):
produced by Kathryne Law and edited and engineered by Brad
Dickart

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