Hotter in the Hamptons with Tinx

Tinx is back to talk about the importance of horniness, why women should spend more time fantasizing, and why she can’t wait for all her friends to get divorced.  Then:  A queer couple have a houseguest who’s overstayed his welcome.  A caller going through a breakup needs a reset.  And a friendship gets too possessive when location-tracking comes into play.  

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Pick up Tinx’s new book Hotter in the Hamptons!

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Order a signed copy of Chelsea’s new book HERE!

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello Catherine.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Oh, hello Chelsea. How's New York City?

Speaker 3 (00:05):
New York City is blossoming. It's just beautiful. It's almost summertime.
Spring is in the air. It was sunny, delightful.

Speaker 1 (00:13):
I came home.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
I got here you last night, and I was tempted
to go out with some friends, but I decided, you
know what, I was going to take the night to myself,
and instead I took his annex and I read one
of our podcast guest books that we have coming up.
And I was just a really responsible adult woman who's
fifty years old.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
My gosh, look at you.

Speaker 4 (00:34):
Yeah, I'm very responsible, but you do like a night in.
You're someone who enjoys their own company, and I think
that's very good.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
Yes, I very much enjoyed my own company. I had
a lot of company this week. I went out a
lot this week. I saw a lot. I did a
lot of socializing in Los Angeles, and I did the
La Festival of Books, which was a joy. Oh, it
was so fun. I love books. I like being around books,
and I like talking about books. That is my passion.

Speaker 4 (01:04):
They even smell good, like they feel good, like I
love when you get a new book, and like the
pages might feel a little different than the last one
you read.

Speaker 2 (01:10):
I mean, it's like the little things, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:13):
I'm reading about seven books right now, so I could,
and I like to read them a hard copy. So
it's hard to travel with seven books because I'm on
my way. I'm bouncing around. I'm done with La for
a bit. I won't be in La for two months now,
so I go from here, I think, to Whistler, and
then somewhere in Chicago, then New York.

Speaker 1 (01:29):
And then Rekuvic and then Belfast.

Speaker 3 (01:31):
I'm gonna spend a couple of days at Belfast because
I feel like there's gonna be some good history shit
going on down up there over there.

Speaker 4 (01:38):
I'm reading actually a book right now about the IRA.
I believe it's Say Nothing, and there's a Hulu series
about it now, so it's thrilling.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
Yeah. I'm very interested in that history. I don't know
enough about it, so I'm just gonna i'll lend it
to you. My cousin's good like me. She likes shit
like that. Okay, So our guests today, we have two
episodes we're dropping today. One is with our guest, who
is a New York Times bestselling author, and host of
It's me Tinks on Sirius XM. Her newest book is
called Hotter in the Hamptons and it's out May sixth.

(02:11):
Please welcome Tinks Hi, Tinksy, Winksy. It's the one. It's
the only It's Tins with a bigger microphone.

Speaker 5 (02:21):
Oh hell yeah, bigger, the bigger, the better size matters, baby.

Speaker 1 (02:25):
I know, but when I met you, you were using
a little.

Speaker 3 (02:27):
Vienna sausage microphone, and I know sometimes you sometimes go
back to that. You do sometimes have the little microphone,
but I love seeing you with a big black mic
in your hand.

Speaker 1 (02:37):
Big dat.

Speaker 5 (02:37):
Yeah, this is a big This is more my size.
I've upgraded, but I do still keep mini mic around
for the bit. But everybody else started doing mini mic, so.

Speaker 3 (02:45):
I still saw that. And I did see that you
started a trend. You're a trend center. Yes, oh my god, congratulations.
Tinks has a new book out. Everybody. It's a new book.
And guess what. It's fiction this time, and it's called
Hotter in the Hamptons. And I'm going to guess that
it's not autobiographical at all.

Speaker 1 (03:06):
Well, it's you know, they say, to write what you know.

Speaker 5 (03:09):
It's about an influencer who gets canceled and then goes
to the Hamptons to get her groove back. Maybe some
of that I experienced, Maybe some of it I didn't.

Speaker 3 (03:18):
You know, it feels like it's very eerily similar to
the truth. But listen, every work of fiction is based
on authors, on some truth from the author. It's impossible
to I mean, it's not impossible. I guess there are
lots of authors who could write fiction, who've been trained
in writing fiction. But I think when a celebrity writes fiction,
and many people write fiction, you have to bring stuff
in from your life. So that's totally understandable and actually

(03:42):
more enticing in my opinion.

Speaker 1 (03:44):
I want to know. I want to know what's real
what's not.

Speaker 3 (03:46):
First of all, It Takes is already a New York
Times bestseller because she had her first book, which was
called Shelled the Shift.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
Which was a New York Times bestseller.

Speaker 3 (03:55):
So this is her second foray into the book industry.

Speaker 1 (03:59):
And this is like.

Speaker 3 (03:59):
A weird love story that takes place in the Hamptons, Yes,
and that starts out as enemy. They start out as
enemies and then slowly, actually not that slowly, because that
is when things start to come out of people's pants.

Speaker 5 (04:15):
It's a classic enemies to lovers situation. And yeah, I
mean I kind of like whenever I'm reading a smut
erotica book, I'm like, get to.

Speaker 1 (04:24):
The sex already.

Speaker 5 (04:25):
So yes, it starts pretty early on because I feel
like that's why people are reading it, So you've got
to give them a little juiciness early, early, up front.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
Otherwise you're like, I don't care, I'll get to the
sex part.

Speaker 3 (04:36):
So yeah, that's actually very formulaic, right. You were saying, Catherine,
that that romance books typically, I just want you to
know ticks.

Speaker 1 (04:43):
This is the ticks.

Speaker 3 (04:44):
I can't even fucking talk today. I want you to
know tics that this is the first fucking romance novel
I've read in my entire huge.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
Only because it's you.

Speaker 3 (04:53):
Yes, I've never I can't read romance because I just
find it so ridiculous. And this was very entertaining and
Stevie and yeah, well, very steamy, very steamy. I have
to ask you, when you write so much about queer sex,
have you experienced queer sex?

Speaker 1 (05:08):
This book is about Lola, not about me, but.

Speaker 5 (05:11):
That question is have you experienced my diplomatic answer.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
This is about Lola. It's it's about her journey.

Speaker 5 (05:19):
A lot of straight women follow me, and I want
this book to be a fantasy for them, or you know,
I want it. I want them to experience new fantasies
because of this book. And the reason I love reading,
not just in general, not just smut or erotica, but
reading in general is it's like one of the only
times that we imagine as an adult, like we're going

(05:39):
about our day, we have work, we have a million
things to do, da da da, and our creativity and
our imagination just gets smaller and smaller because we don't
have room to play. And when you read, you imagine,
and that's why I'm so obsessed with reading.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
So I hope this.

Speaker 5 (05:51):
Book opens people up and makes them really horny. That
is my number one goal is to make people horny
this summer. I think horniness is very, very criminally undervalued
in society today. I think it's important to be horny,
whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single, whether your
marriage doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
So that is what I want to achieve with this book.

Speaker 3 (06:09):
Vagina's opening everywhere from the East to the West. I
also endorse horniness and I think it is a very
healthy way to go through life is to be horny,
to go after what you want, to be open to
different kinds of sexual experiences and escapades if you will,
and to get after it. I mean, what's the point
of being a woman if you're not going to have

(06:30):
fun with your body?

Speaker 5 (06:31):
Like literally, just get after it, have fun. Don't close
yourself off to anything. I think we really all need
to just be open to anything. Being a woman, being
in your sexuality is so powerful when you own it,
when you say yeah, actually I am horny today, or
when you say yeah, that person turns me on, or
this thing I read turns me on, whatever, that's so powerful.

(06:53):
I feel like being sexual as a woman has been
so villainized in so many ways, and it's not about
necessarily being slutty. This is a huge difference, and I
feel like that's what they want you to us to believe, like, oh,
if you're if you you know you're horny, you're a
bad woman and you're sludy.

Speaker 1 (07:12):
That's not true at all.

Speaker 5 (07:13):
We as women are our sexuality is like connected to
the cosmos. It's very powerful, and the more that you're
in that, the more powerful you'll.

Speaker 3 (07:21):
Be, and slutty is just a word created by men
to categorize women who want to sleep with more than them.

Speaker 1 (07:28):
You know what I mean exactly.

Speaker 3 (07:30):
First of all, it's so empowering to be sexually free
and sexually liberated. It's especially if you're a single woman
and you haven't committed yourself to anyone yet.

Speaker 1 (07:38):
It's like, it's exploration.

Speaker 3 (07:40):
It's finding out not only what you like, it's finding
out what you're attracted to, what your standards are, what
you desire like. It's so much better to be open
minded than to be narrow minded in terms of sexuality.

Speaker 1 (07:51):
So it's a nice exploration of that in this book. Yeah, yeah,
let's talk about Well, I mean, are you in New
York right now?

Speaker 3 (07:58):
It looks like your background. Yeah, that doesn't look like
an LA background. I just saw Tanks recently on my
book tour, and she was nice enough to host me
at the ninety second Street Why and interviewed me fun
and then we went to my birthday party, and then
you were we were talking about New York in LA,
and in this book there's a lot of New York
in LA comparisons. So basically you were saying, how much

(08:22):
you love New York and your desire to be there
more permanently.

Speaker 1 (08:26):
Talk to me about that a little bit.

Speaker 5 (08:28):
I'm just in a season of my life where I
like to be in New York. You know, I found
it far easier more sex in New York for sure,
to more sex for sure and more community just where
I am in my life. I am single, and I
like a very full social life. I like to see
my friends every week. I like to do things spontaneously.
I like to say, Hey, let's go get a martini

(08:49):
at Finale's right now. And I want to have ten
friends who can do that. And the truth is I
couldn't do that in La. You know, it's just not
set up for that.

Speaker 3 (08:57):
No One wants to have a martini in the middle
of the day in La no one.

Speaker 1 (09:01):
No no one wants to have a martina out of
Friday night. They say, oh, you know, we can't. The traffic.
The uber this is that.

Speaker 3 (09:08):
When every ray is sober, and everyone is sober here,
everyone's sober.

Speaker 5 (09:12):
Oh I don't the calories this and that. I'm like,
oh my god, Like I just I want to have fun.
I'm in a very big fun era of my life
and I want the place that I live to reflect.
That doesn't mean that there's not great things about LA.
There are fantastic things about La. If you are very
wealthy and you have a family, LA is a nice.

Speaker 1 (09:31):
Place to live.

Speaker 5 (09:31):
There's a lot of great place things to do in LA.
It's just not if you're single and horny and like
want to go out all the time. It's kind of
a little difficult.

Speaker 3 (09:40):
I've been trying to move to New York for about
five years now, and this house in LA that will
never be finished that I'm under construction on once again.
I'm out of my house once again, callers. I am
living at a friend's house without my dog dog.

Speaker 1 (09:52):
Not for long, though.

Speaker 3 (09:53):
I'm heading back to Whistler in a couple of days.
But I cannot wait to finish this house. Fucking sell
it rent. I don't give a shit what happens, but
I cannot wait to get an apartment in New York
City and start living the life that you're describing.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
I'm so late. I'm fifty.

Speaker 3 (10:09):
I should have done this when I was forty, but whatever,
I don't care about time. I'm even hotter now than
I was at forty, so it's gonna be even more exciting.
And everybody's divorced now, so like this is the time
to get back to wait.

Speaker 1 (10:21):
For my friends to get divorced.

Speaker 5 (10:22):
I know that's evil, but I cannot wait for them
to come back to me right now.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
I'm in the phase where.

Speaker 5 (10:27):
They're all like hunkering down and like having the kids,
and I'm like, just I'll bide my time.

Speaker 1 (10:31):
I'll wait, I'll wait. You're gonna, yeah, you're gonna come
back to me.

Speaker 3 (10:34):
And also men break up with their wives at this time,
Like there's a lot of divorce that happens between the
ages of forty and fifty, so it's good to catch
someone on the tail end of their divorce, you know
what I mean, If you're looking for someone who's not
ready for a commitment and you're looking to have fun.

Speaker 5 (10:47):
Or if you are looking for a commitment, I feel
like a divorce guy could be great for me. That
doesn't scare me at all. In fact, it sounds actually
like it could be good. Like a guy who's, you know,
in his early forties, he's been divorced, maybe he has
one kid, so he's not stressed about having more. Because
I'm not sure that I want kids, so I don't
want that pressure on me.

Speaker 1 (11:05):
And I think that could be great for me. But yeah,
but he's gotta want to have fun.

Speaker 5 (11:09):
It doesn't sound fun to me to just like be
in a in a nuclear family unit or whatever.

Speaker 1 (11:15):
That's not that doesn't appeal to me.

Speaker 5 (11:17):
I want someone who's like, let's go to Mexico City
this weekend and like, I don't know, take mushrooms at
SOHO house. Like that's the kind of basic shit that
really gets me off. And I want a guy who
wants to do that with me.

Speaker 3 (11:28):
We're on the same page things. We're on the exact
same page actually apparently exactly apparently of the exact same
book Hotter in the Hampton's another thing you said to
me when we spoke last time. I think this was
on your podcast or I don't know, maybe it was private,
but we'll talk about it. It was about how annoying
men are and how bored you are. Now was that

(11:50):
directed just at La or is that just an overall
sentiment because it's you're not alone, obviously, I'm sure you're
well aware.

Speaker 5 (11:58):
I my problem with data is not that I go
on all these dates and nobody likes me.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
And whatever.

Speaker 5 (12:03):
I find the conversation so boring. I'm almost boords tears.
And I'm not saying that in a rude way or
to be a bit or whatever. But the most of
the men I meet, I find them to be very
one dimensional.

Speaker 1 (12:12):
And when I meet women.

Speaker 5 (12:14):
Every time I meet a woman, she's like, oh, this morning,
I woke up and I ran a ten k and
then I baked some vegan muffins for my dog because
he's going through some health issues. And then I went
to my job, and then I did this and that
ed and I'm like, wow, I want to be your
best friend and I want to know everything about you.
And when I meet men, they're like, it's just it's
so hard to like get in there.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
And look, I've loved men in the past.

Speaker 5 (12:36):
I've found men interesting in the past, but as I
get older, I do find it more and more difficult
to find men who are super dimensional. And that is
a problem I'm having with dating right now, because every
time I go on a date, I'm like, oh, I'd
rather be with my friends.

Speaker 3 (12:50):
I thought I liked this guy, and we were facetiming,
and there were a couple of moments of silent like
awkward silence.

Speaker 1 (12:56):
I mean, face time is a pretty awkward when you
don't know somebody.

Speaker 3 (12:58):
Well, I actually prefer not to have that happened, but
this person assaulted me with a FaceTime a few times,
and I just I'm at the place in my life
where I just I'm not filling in gaps of silence,
like I don't care if it's awkward. Then you talk
like I don't have anything to tell you, or I'm
pretty confident with who I am and that the moments
of silence just were just I just was like, it's

(13:21):
a fun experiment to like look at somebody and go, what, okay,
are you going to say something? Because I'm actually not
going to say something, And to be on the phone
and have that happen.

Speaker 1 (13:30):
You're like, this is so ridiculous. It's like ridiculous. You
don't have anything to do. I just met you, you
don't have anything to tell me. No, It's it's wild.

Speaker 5 (13:39):
And a lot of men also like I don't like
to man bash too much because then I feel like
it kind of makes my points less powerful.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
I'm truly not man bashing.

Speaker 5 (13:48):
But something that I have found very broadly with dating
today is like men don't ask you questions. And because
I have my call in show, this is something that
happens to a lot of young women right now.

Speaker 1 (13:59):
Women we go on these dates and we're like, well,
where did you go and what did you see?

Speaker 5 (14:02):
And whata da da da, and like we will fill
the silence and we will ask questions because we're genuinely
curious about the other person. If you're on the other
on a date or if you're on a FaceTime, surely
you must have something to ask the person.

Speaker 1 (14:11):
But they but they don't.

Speaker 3 (14:13):
Yeah, no, No, it's unreal that how they will talk
about themselves and then fail to ask you a question
about yourself. You're trying to date me, you're not curious
about anything? I mean, I know it's all pretty public,
but don't you want to know anything personal about me?

Speaker 6 (14:27):
No?

Speaker 5 (14:28):
I went on a Hinge date last year and I
actually I was in a really low point in dating.
So I was like, whatever, I'm going to do an experiment,
and I actually asked him a lot of questions, Like
I was really on my shit, you know, not in
a crazy way, but I was very, very forthcoming with
my questions. We went for forty two minutes before he
asked me a question about myself forty two What was

(14:49):
the question? He was like, what do you I don't
actually know what your job is? And I was forty
two minutes we were in and at that point my
martini was done. I go, you know what, I'm gonna
be real with you. I'm not feeling it. I'm going
to go home. And I went home.

Speaker 1 (15:02):
Oh, good for you. I love saying that. I love
saying that.

Speaker 5 (15:04):
I'm like, how insane is that? Forty two minutes and
you don't think, Oh, this is a conversation. It goes
back and forth, and I should be interested in this person.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
Well, and like that's the question that he came up with.

Speaker 1 (15:16):
I don't know what you do for a living? Like
that's yeah. And by the way, it's not even a question.
It's not even a question. Like if the date automatically
goes to, oh what do you do? Where are you from?

Speaker 5 (15:27):
It's just like, come on, be more interesting, say oh,
I saw this thing today, or I'll have you watched
that show.

Speaker 3 (15:33):
Up something that's unrelated to both of you. Talk about
a subject of matter. That's what I want to hear about.
I went on a date the other night somebody would
set me up.

Speaker 1 (15:41):
That was nice.

Speaker 3 (15:41):
And I walked into the bar and this guy was
wearing a bomber jacket and drinking chardonnay, and I just thought,
what honestly, And I sat down and I said, I
don't have a lot of time. I probably only have
fifteen minutes. And I ordered a tankerrey and soda and
then I he was like, I'm going to get another
glass of charonay, and I said, well, enjoy it because

(16:03):
I'm leaving. And I left and it was literally fifteen minutes,
because that's how much time I have to spend with
people like I am not in the business.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
As you're not in the business.

Speaker 3 (16:12):
At a certain age, you stop pretending that you have
to make people feel good. It doesn't matter. I need
to feel good. I need to go home and get sleep.
I don't need to waste this take away and soda
on you. I'd rather go home and take an edible
and go to bed, like I don't.

Speaker 1 (16:24):
Yeah, that's the thing.

Speaker 5 (16:25):
Also is like, if you are a person who's in
command of their own life and who lives intentionally and
has a lot of fun, which isn't a lot of people,
no shade, but you know, a lot of people don't
have command of their own emotions, Like I just don't
want to waste my time with something that isn't good
for either of us. And I think that people need
to be more forthcoming. But I also think people need

(16:46):
to not take it so personally. If you go on
a date and it ends quickly, sometimes girls will write
to me and they'll be like, I'm so upset.

Speaker 1 (16:52):
And I'm like, you didn't like him either.

Speaker 5 (16:54):
It's okay to just cut your losses and be like,
all right, we tried cool, see you next time. Time
is so precious. Time is the only limited resource we have.
Is the only thing we can't get back. You can
get back everything else, you can never get back time.
And the way that we throw time away in our
twenties just on these like endless dates on you know,
the apps and da da da, sitting there dating someone

(17:16):
for three months when you know that they're a loser,
Like you're better to go home and read a book
and take an edible and go to bed. Your time
on earth is genuinely better spent on that, because you know,
people need to get over the fact that, like, you're
not going to die if you're single. You could die
of boredom in some of these fucking dates because they're
so bad.

Speaker 1 (17:34):
Well, I think a.

Speaker 3 (17:35):
Lot of our listeners are listening thinking, okay, so what
happens when Okay, So when you said that to that guy,
I'm not feeling it?

Speaker 5 (17:41):
What was his response? Hand to God, I maybe didn't say, oh,
I'm not feeling it. I think I said, you know what,
I'm really tired of got to call it and go
to bed, you know whatever, but which is code for
I'm not having fun. But I remember specifically that I
was back at my apartment within the hour.

Speaker 1 (17:57):
I remember that I was, you know whatever. Next day
he texts me and goes, hey, I'm and he fucking
walked me home. It was in New York. He walked
me home, and I was like Jesus Christ. I couldn't
believe it.

Speaker 5 (18:07):
The next morning he texted me, he goes, hey, I'm
actually going to a party in the building next to
yours tonight if you wanted to come. And I was
just thinking, and then I texted him and I said,
I'm sorry. I really don't feel an emotional connection.

Speaker 1 (18:18):
But the mostly the.

Speaker 5 (18:20):
Sane part is even when I'm at my worst. Even
when I'm running a fucking science experiment, I'm still more
fun than most of these dudes.

Speaker 1 (18:26):
I mean.

Speaker 5 (18:27):
But by the way, it makes sense because if someone
lets you speak about yourself for forty two minutes, he
had the best time of his life.

Speaker 1 (18:34):
He didn't even.

Speaker 5 (18:34):
Realize he was a free therapy and like a little
light stand up for me, and you got to I'm
a martini.

Speaker 1 (18:42):
Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I should have sent him a bill.

Speaker 3 (18:44):
The guy that I left with the chardonnay texted me
the next day and said, I know you have a
pretty busy weekend coming up, so I just want to
let you know, you know, don't work too hard, have
a fun weekend. I was going to like south By
Southwest or something, and I said, I said, thanks so
much for the drink.

Speaker 1 (18:58):
Have all the fun weekends period, Like fuck off on lamla.

Speaker 3 (19:03):
Well, just like I want to be direct because I
don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't want to
be mean, but I want to be direct. It's just
like we as women have to retrain ourselves the way
that we exist in relation to men. We're not there
to be liked, We're there to like them, and we're
we get confused about being liked and liking them. And

(19:25):
if you can't just be worried about what someone thinks
of you, because that can't be the only prerequisite to
a relationship is.

Speaker 1 (19:30):
Someone liking you.

Speaker 3 (19:32):
You have to like them and then back it up
twenty feet and find out if you do so. Yes,
I think that's obviously very common.

Speaker 5 (19:39):
With women fuck who they want, men fuck who they
can and I stand on that do Actually I have.

Speaker 4 (19:44):
A caller who like would dovetail really nicely with us should.

Speaker 1 (19:47):
We get into it or ready to break? And we'll
be right back with tanks.

Speaker 4 (19:51):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, right into us at
Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to
hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice,
and this week we're specifically looking for questions related to
meditation and personal and spiritual growth, So if you have
any questions, please write in at Dear Chelsea podcast at
gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (20:15):
And we're back with tanks and we have a call.
We have a pressing caller.

Speaker 3 (20:17):
Apparently according to Catherine, okay, great, bring it in well.

Speaker 2 (20:21):
Speaking of men wasting everybody's time.

Speaker 4 (20:24):
Lilah writes, Dear Chelsea, my partner and I need some
advice on how to handle a really tough situation. Over
two years ago, my partner's brother was unexpectedly diagnosed with
epilepsy at around age thirty five. At the time, we
had just bought our house and we're in the middle
of renovating it with the.

Speaker 2 (20:41):
Mindset that it would just be the two of us
living there.

Speaker 4 (20:43):
But when he started having seizures, we took him in
so he wouldn't have to live alone while adjusting to
his diagnosis. Since then, we've done our best to support
him and he's in a much better place now. His
seizures are under control with medication. He sees a psychologist
and he likes his new neurologist. He's just shy of
one seizure free. The problem is living with him has
been really difficult. He's constantly in a bad mood, barely

(21:06):
interacts with us, and is incredibly passive aggressive. He makes
it clear when he doesn't like something we enjoy, to
the point where it feels like we're wrong for liking it.
We feel like we're walking on eggshells in our own
home and Honestly, it doesn't feel like our space anymore.

Speaker 2 (21:20):
It feels like his.

Speaker 4 (21:22):
Our house is small for three adults, and at one
point we even considered buying a bigger home just to
make things more manageable. But we've realized that we'ld just
be putting a band aid on the situation. What we
really need is for him to move out. But we
know this conversation is not going to go well. He
doesn't handle things like this in an emotionally mature way,
and we're anticipating a lot of negativity, tension, and passive

(21:42):
aggressiveness in the aftermath. We want to be clear, firm,
and kind when we tell him, but also stand up
for ourselves and our needs. How do we have this
conversation in a way that sets a boundary while minimizing
the fallout?

Speaker 1 (21:55):
Lila, Hi, La La, Hi, Hi, say hi to our
special guest Tanks today.

Speaker 7 (22:00):
Hi specially thanks Hello.

Speaker 4 (22:02):
Hi.

Speaker 3 (22:03):
Okay, So, Tanks, do you want to start or shall
I you start?

Speaker 1 (22:07):
Okay?

Speaker 3 (22:07):
I mean, this is obviously going to be a difficult conversation,
but it's necessary.

Speaker 1 (22:12):
So you and your.

Speaker 3 (22:12):
Husband are I'm assuming Lela are on the same page.

Speaker 7 (22:16):
Yeah, my partner is also a female.

Speaker 1 (22:19):
Oh okay, so great, she's on the same page as you.
Okay great. So yeah, you guys are going to have
to sit down.

Speaker 3 (22:25):
I mean, honestly, I actually think this is more of
her responsibility than yours.

Speaker 1 (22:29):
But if you want to be a caring partner, then
you can. I mean, it is your house.

Speaker 3 (22:33):
You've had the experience with him, and it is a
little bit of a cop out to say, no, you
handle it because it's your sibling.

Speaker 1 (22:38):
Do you feel the same way or.

Speaker 2 (22:40):
Do you Yeah, for sure, we have said that.

Speaker 7 (22:43):
I think that she should handle that conversation, but I
do think I should probably be at least be there
for that.

Speaker 1 (22:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (22:50):
I think that first of all, you have to firmly
state what is going to happen, and a time frame.
You always have to give people a timeframe that is
not negotiable, and it can be a generous time frame.
It could be thirty days, it could be sixty days,
whatever you think is generous.

Speaker 8 (23:04):
You know what.

Speaker 3 (23:04):
I mean, to give him the benefit of the doubt
because he's getting information that is unexpected in his brain,
but because of all of the behaviors and because he's
gotten himself into a healthier place he no longer needs
to be living with the two of you, So that's
just a practical matter. He's got his medication, he's not
having seizure. Is he having any seizures at all?

Speaker 7 (23:22):
No?

Speaker 1 (23:23):
No, no, okay.

Speaker 3 (23:24):
So there was no plan ever for you two to
have a third party living with you, so you went
out of your way.

Speaker 1 (23:29):
How long has he been living with you, guys?

Speaker 7 (23:31):
Two years?

Speaker 1 (23:32):
Okay?

Speaker 3 (23:33):
First of all, he should have been gone a year ago.
So that you've been overly generous. And I can just
tell by the tone of your voice that you might
be a little bit nicer.

Speaker 1 (23:41):
Than you're going to need to be in this situation
for sure. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:45):
So, and you guys actually should sit down together, you
and your partner before you do this, and really like meditate,
intentionalize what you're going to say, how you're going to
say it that you are going to be unwavering, and
you're going to give him I don't know what sounds
good to you, or sixty.

Speaker 7 (24:00):
Days, honestly, I guess you're I'm too nice.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
I would give him like.

Speaker 3 (24:04):
Six months, no, no, no, two months, two months or
three months max? Max? Now two and a half years,
you're going to live with your brother, your relationship. Your
relationship might not survive that, Like your relationship is being
fractured by this interloper. And by the way, he's not
an intlope. Listen, something bad happened. You guys helped him.

(24:24):
You did the right thing. It's family. Family helps family.
You would probably do it for a friend too, But
two years is an exhausting amount of time to share
a space with somebody who's passive, aggressive, who's insulting to
your opinions or your likes or all of these things,
and it's just an unpleasant person to be around. So
you just have to state it that way. Listen, we've
been here, we've helped you, and now we feel like

(24:46):
it's been two years and we're ready to be, you know,
living by ourselves again. You're up on your feet, you
can do your you can handle this sickness and illness
with the meds now and it's time.

Speaker 1 (24:58):
Does hee work, yes?

Speaker 3 (25:00):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (25:00):
Great? So what's he doing with his money? Is he
paying rent to you guys at all? A little?

Speaker 7 (25:05):
I mean if he's seven hundred, but other than that,
like we kind of just did this to like help
him get on his feet, have him save money and
like give him an opportunity to like buy something for
himself and like actually do something with his life that
he likes. But it just feel like he has no plan.
He says he's going to go do these things, and
he just doesn't comes up with excuses constantly.

Speaker 3 (25:27):
Right, Okay, So I think you should have write all
of these points down too, so that you can give
him a list of things after so that there isn't
any confusion in the conversation and any twisting of the words.
Like we wanted to help you out you were in
a bad way.

Speaker 1 (25:41):
We did that.

Speaker 3 (25:41):
We wanted you to get on your feet, we wanted
you to seek the right medical care. You've done all
of these things. Look at all of the things that
you've done in the past two years, which he's not
looking at right, He's not thinking about how far he's come.
But you need to remind him about all of the
like things that are better than they were.

Speaker 1 (25:58):
And now is a good time.

Speaker 3 (26:00):
And even if you say for the next couple months,
you don't have to pay us rent while you save
money to find your own place. You don't have to
pay us seven hundred unless you really need that money
from him.

Speaker 7 (26:09):
Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's a very generous
amount considering like the type of job that he has.
He can absolutely support himself. So yeah, we definitely do
need the money because I'm in school right now and
I'm okay, I'm only working part time, but I'm almost done.

Speaker 3 (26:23):
Great, totally fair. Another thing you could point out, you
make a great living. You could totally afford to live
on your own. Our relationship, we never intended to have
a third person. And while we love you and totally
would never take this time back, blah blah blah, it's
now time for us to figure out a transition plan
for you to leave.

Speaker 1 (26:39):
But you have to give him.

Speaker 3 (26:40):
A time frame, Yeah, like with a date, a specific date, tanks,
what do you think?

Speaker 1 (26:45):
I completely agree. I think a time frame is super helpful.

Speaker 5 (26:48):
I think being firm, I think laying it out with
your partner what you're going to say beforehand, will be
helpful because I agree with Chelsea, you sound very, very nice,
and sometimes you get in those situations and if he's
already a bit passive aggressive, he's going to be like.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
Well, you know what about this, and that you need
to be firm.

Speaker 5 (27:06):
You need to be kind and firm and brief and
just lay down the law.

Speaker 1 (27:11):
And yeah, it's time.

Speaker 5 (27:13):
I feel like you probably don't even realize like how
much this is weighing on your relationship in your life,
Like you deserve to have a great life with your partner.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
You guys have been more than generous. It's time for
the next chapter.

Speaker 3 (27:24):
Now, two years is way too long. You are way
past your expiration date.

Speaker 1 (27:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (27:30):
Yeah, Well the first year he was having seizures on
and off, so it kind of kept pushing the time
and pushing it. But like now we're getting in a
better spot and he has almost been seizure free for
a year, so I kind of feel like we're waiting
for these like medications to actually like work well and
be comfortable where he's at. And like now he's seeing
a psychologist and he seems to be like working things

(27:52):
out from their childhood that has been tough.

Speaker 3 (27:54):
So great, great, all of these things being that he's made,
Like these are things you should list down for him,
like all of his milestones that he's made. You know,
sometimes people don't remember how far they've come and they
still think they're struggling, struggling, struggling, and it's like, wait,
a second you did this, this, and this. Look at
how far you've come. You're resilient, you're strong, and you're
ready to be on your own again. And seriously, make

(28:16):
a list of all of the things he's accomplished so
that he can reflect on that too. You know, that
could kind of take some of this sting out and
he may not have a great reaction. It sounds like
he probably won't, But don't worry about that. That's not
your problem. You have demonstrated loving, kindness and compassion and
now you are taking your ownership back of your life
and there is nothing to be sorry about for that.

Speaker 4 (28:38):
And I feel like if there are some tantrums, if
there's some passive aggressiveness, like expect that, and I think
you can just be like okay, Like if he makes
us an, I'd comment like, Okay, don't let him bait
you into stuff. Don't let him turn this transition period
ugly and weird and awkward, Like let stuff roll off
your back because you know there's a date when it's
going to be over.

Speaker 7 (28:58):
Yep, yep, that makes a lot of sense. It really
has a lot of stress in our relationship.

Speaker 1 (29:02):
We of course, are sure quite a bit.

Speaker 3 (29:05):
Yeah, of course, nobody wants to live with their fucking
family member. Nobody in a marriage wants their brother or
sister living there. That's just not an ideal situation. Many
people do it out of the goodness of their heart
and their bonds to their family, but it's not ideal.
So I mean, and two year, that's enough. It's enough already,
And I would really impress upon you to say, make

(29:26):
it a two or three month situation, not a six month.
Six months will go on. You have to assume it's
going to go over a month that you ask for,
So just say two months is a fair amount of
time for you to start looking for a place. If
it takes a little bit longer, fine, but we would
really love for you to have a plan within two months,
a living plan.

Speaker 7 (29:43):
It makes a lot of sense for sure.

Speaker 1 (29:45):
And one more thing.

Speaker 3 (29:46):
Don't engage if he is if he does start an argument,
if he does want to get into it, do not
engage with that. Just say I'm so sorry. We're not
going to talk to you in this kind of tone.
This is not healthy for us, and we don't want
to like when there's one person arguing by themselves, there's
not a big argument happening for very long. So as
long as you don't get into it with him, and

(30:08):
you don't allow your partner, you know, like instruct her
to do the same thing, don't get mired in the
back and forth and all of that and like you
did this and you didn't do this. It's like, no,
we're simply stating what our boundary is. This is a boundary.
People don't like that word, but it's going to bring
out the best in him at some point, just maybe
not right away.

Speaker 7 (30:28):
Yep, totally, for sure.

Speaker 2 (30:29):
I agree with that.

Speaker 4 (30:31):
All right.

Speaker 2 (30:31):
Will you keep us posted, Lila?

Speaker 7 (30:33):
I will, Yeah, I will check back in for sure.

Speaker 1 (30:36):
All right, good luck, be strong, Yeah, be strong, Leilah.

Speaker 7 (30:40):
I will thank you so much.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
I wish I knew about boundaries earlier on in my life.
You know, I'm boundaryless. I had no boundaries. I mean,
I still am a little bit murky on the boundary
stuff because sometimes I just can't help myself, you know,
I'm like, oh, you know, I want to give my
driver a massage inside my house.

Speaker 1 (30:58):
I mean not for me, but do you know what
I mean?

Speaker 8 (31:01):
Right?

Speaker 1 (31:01):
And I have so many friends who are like, don't
you can't Chelsea that is a line that you cannot cross,
and it always bites me an ass. It does bite
me an ass well.

Speaker 4 (31:09):
Our next question comes from Claire, says, Dear Chelsea, I
need some advice, wisdom, clarity, anything at this point. My
partner of ten years cheated on me and left me
for his coworker about a year and a half ago.
The relationship wasn't perfect, but it turns out I was
the only one trying to make it work, since he
was lying about his feelings, lying about going to therapy,
and apparently this woman. I've been working with my therapist

(31:32):
to rebuild, but there's one thing that I think you'd
have some helpful insight on. I'm turning thirty five and
it's been a scary age for me because I'm on
the fence about kids. I'm worried that I won't find
someone else because they're either all taken or crazy or
think I'm too old, and that whether I want kids
or not, I'll just run out of time for the option.
I've looked into egg freezing, but it's so cost prohibitive
and the current political climate makes it scary. I was

(31:55):
never one of those people who thought I needed a
man to feel happy and the whole marriage, two point
five kids, pick a fence thing. But I do know
after this experience that I want to partner, something I
didn't know before I met him. Now I feel like
I'm too old and it's too late, even though everyone
tells me it's not. But I know a lot of
women in their forties and fifties who went through what
I did at this age and have pretty much been
single ever since. I think I have to accept the

(32:17):
possibility that it will just be me and my dog,
but I'm not sure how to do that. Do you
have any advice for getting to the point where you
like yourself enough that being alone is okay and releasing
the heteronormative, misogynistic idea that doing.

Speaker 2 (32:28):
So would make me a failure. Sincerely, yours, Claire.

Speaker 3 (32:33):
Hi Claire, Hi, Hi, this is our special guest Tanks.

Speaker 1 (32:37):
Hi Claire. You have to have some healthier conversations with yourself.
Do you have a therapist?

Speaker 2 (32:43):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (32:44):
Okay, Well you need to start. First of all, you
need to start getting up every day and writing positive
things about yourself. Start writing things that you're grateful for
about your in your life. It could be your dog,
it could be the air that you're breathing. It could
be your face, it could be your skin, it could
be your sister, it could be any Just get up
every morning and write down ten things that you're happy about,
because you need a vibe shift, and in about fifteen

(33:06):
days of doing that, your vibeal shift. And you need
to get into the attitude of gratitude instead of looking.

Speaker 1 (33:11):
At what you don't have and what you lost.

Speaker 3 (33:13):
While I don't want to negate anything that happened to you,
that is heartbreaking that your husband left you for somebody
he worked with and all of that is heartbreaking, but
you're also free from that. That wasn't the person for
you. You're free from that.

Speaker 1 (33:26):
That is a gift.

Speaker 3 (33:26):
You're thirty five years young. Thirty five years old is nothing.
Do not worry about what your age is. Worry about
your state of happiness and your state of self love.
You need to work on really really getting to know
who you are and what you want instead of meeting
the expectations that you think the outside world has for you,
marriage and children. That's fine, you need to find out

(33:48):
do you really even want that or is that something
that you've been taught to want?

Speaker 8 (33:52):
Yeah, this is something that I've been working on with
my therapist, and like you know, right after he left,
I got a gratitude journal. I was like, this isn't working,
and this was like nothing is gonna work right now
because of the trauma you just went through. So I've
been thinking about taking that back up and trying to
do like listening to self affirmations. It's just so hard
to like believe them kind of at this point.

Speaker 5 (34:13):
It takes time to start the engine of gratitude. Like
it takes like Chelsea said, a few days, It takes
some consistency, but I promise you, like I'm in a
similar I mean ish boat.

Speaker 1 (34:23):
I'm thirty, I'm about to be thirty five.

Speaker 5 (34:25):
I'm single, and I have to tell you a vibe
shift is possible because I'm thirty five and single and
I'm like, oh my god, I could do anything, Like
I literally could do anything.

Speaker 1 (34:34):
I'm so young. I don't know what I want. I'm open.

Speaker 5 (34:37):
Is that exciting, And like Chelsea said, you're free now
to start again, and that is the most beautiful thing
is like you have the autonomy to make your life
what you love. And for me, I really resonate with
a lot of what you say. You're like, Oh, I
don't know, maybe it will just be me. Am I okay?

Speaker 8 (34:54):
On that?

Speaker 5 (34:54):
And anytime I get into that fuzzy space, I'm like,
how can I make myself happier? That's not a s
selfish thought. That is the most important thing that we
don't teach ourselves in this world. You have to make
yourself happy. You have to say, Okay, what am I
grateful for? What am I going to do this weekend
for me?

Speaker 1 (35:09):
What am I?

Speaker 5 (35:09):
How am I going to reframe my life and my
energy to give myself love? Because you're right, you have
been through something traumatic. To be cheated on, to be
left like that is a traumatic thing. But it's over
now and now you need to focus on yourself because
this is so much good ahead of you. The best
is one hundred percent yet to come. You just have
to start living in that space.

Speaker 2 (35:32):
And I do agree.

Speaker 4 (35:32):
There is something about affirmations that, like you do, kind
of have to fake it till you make it. You
say them and they sound like bullshit until you say
them enough times and they start to sound true, and
then you feel it like you've seen it in a hundred.

Speaker 3 (35:44):
Movies, right It's absolutely true that it can feel for
It's the same with meditation, it's the same with affirmations,
it's same as writing down. Every morning, I look in
the mirror and say, hello, beautiful, what kind of shenanigans
are we going to get up to today? I say
that to the mirror every single day, and I fucking
believe it, because I'm like, who fucking knows what you're
gonna get up to today? And the thing is, yes,
your trauma is your trauma. Everyone has their trauma. You

(36:07):
something terrible happens to you.

Speaker 1 (36:09):
Every disaster in your life is a gift and you
have to look at it like the gift is ahead
of you.

Speaker 3 (36:15):
Don't you want to get it? Don't you want to
get after it and find out what's waiting for you?

Speaker 1 (36:19):
Because there is.

Speaker 3 (36:20):
A whole other life for you. Now, there's a whole
other self exploration. I didn't find out who I was
until I was like forty two years old, Like I
didn't really get down to business until I really, I
mean and really went to therapy and started to understand
my pain and started to understand. Oh, I don't even
want to I mean, and I'm not saying this is
going to be you. But I'm like, wait, I don't
even want a long term partner.

Speaker 1 (36:42):
I want lots.

Speaker 3 (36:43):
Like I had to admit that I wanted multiple partners,
that I wanted lots of lovers that I wanted you know,
I never wanted children, so that wasn't an issue that
I had to contend with.

Speaker 1 (36:51):
But like, this is a growth curve for you.

Speaker 3 (36:54):
Like this is a huge growth experience and you need
to lean into it instead of being scared to go
into it, you know what I mean. You need to
like dive head first and be like, this is all
about me. The next six months are all about me,
what I like to do, when I want to do it.
If you want to lie in bed all day and
watch TV, do that. If you want to go out,
you know, with your friends and go on some crazy vacation,

(37:15):
do that.

Speaker 1 (37:16):
If you want to spend.

Speaker 3 (37:16):
Your you know, join clubs or book clubs or a
bowling club, whatever the fuck.

Speaker 1 (37:21):
You want to do, do it. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (37:23):
You're free to do whatever you want. You don't have
a partner limiting or prohibiting anything.

Speaker 8 (37:29):
Yeah, I've been doing all that. I've gone on a
couple of vacations, this year and been trying to do.
I've joined some groups that I've been volunteering with and stuff.
I think the hardest part for me is the mind
shift thing. It's like, while I'm doing those things, my
brain is still ruminating on like, well, you're doing this
alone kind of thing. And I think that's the.

Speaker 1 (37:46):
Hardest hurdle for me.

Speaker 8 (37:48):
And you're right, I just have to keep trying with
the gratitude and the and the affirmations and stuff and
the mind shift.

Speaker 1 (37:55):
But even moreover, I want you to picture that you
have a daughter in like five years, you have a
daughter and she gets to see this whole version of you.
What do you want to show her? You know what?

Speaker 3 (38:06):
Do you want to demonstrate for her that you grab
life by the balls and that you went after it
and that you didn't sit there thinking about your ex
and what his girlfriend are doing.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
That's none of.

Speaker 3 (38:15):
Your business anymore. Okay, he's out of your life. And yes,
while that is heartbreaking and traumatizing you, once you get
through all of that murkiness, there is a whole big
rainbow waiting for you, I promise you, so, like, just
think about this little girl that is going to come
into your life at some point, okay, And how do
you want her to see her mother and how do

(38:35):
you want her to look at that time that she
spent after this, Yeah, and then make your decisions based
on that.

Speaker 2 (38:42):
That's really helpful, thank you.

Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah. Yeah? And how long ago was your breakup? By
the way, about a year?

Speaker 3 (38:49):
A year okay, so that's a fair amount of time
to kind of wallow and feel you know, shitty. Take
this year mark and this phone call, and like, let's
turn it around and start with the gratituding every morning
ten write it down ten times. Write it on paper,
don't write it in your note section or on your computer.
Write it down and leave it out, and every once

(39:12):
in a while go back and look, you know, and
then you're going to see this like progression of how
you get you become happier, and you know, start meditating,
even if it's just three minutes a day, just add
it to your repertoire. Like I want to be My
pursuit is to be a happier person. My pursuit is
to fall more and more in love with myself.

Speaker 1 (39:30):
And don't worry about the men. Just worry about yourself.

Speaker 4 (39:33):
Right now, Yeah, you said something a couple of minutes
ago about like I'm going through this alone, and it
was a negative. But when things like that come out
of your mouth, find a way to turn it into
a positive.

Speaker 1 (39:44):
You get to go through.

Speaker 4 (39:45):
This next year alone, You get to do whatever.

Speaker 2 (39:47):
The hell you want.

Speaker 4 (39:48):
You get to make all of the decisions for yourself
and do what makes you happy. So like take opportunities
to like turn stuff like that on its head when
you hear it in your head, when you hear it
come out of your mouth, turn it around.

Speaker 1 (40:00):
That the thinking of like you know, the X is
and all that stuff.

Speaker 3 (40:03):
I promise you down the road that will all come
around for full circle and you're and you're gonna and
you and you're not going to care when it does. Yeah,
and so just imagine that time, because it will happen.
It always does. That's the way the world works. And
karma is a real thing. So keep yours healthy and
be on your own team.

Speaker 8 (40:24):
Okay, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 3 (40:27):
Okay, thanks love, shut up, be happy, you start smiling.

Speaker 8 (40:32):
I'm a good one.

Speaker 2 (40:33):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (40:33):
Okay to buy Yeah she seems sad.

Speaker 4 (40:37):
Yeah, I think this, I think this will be the
jump start she needs.

Speaker 1 (40:41):
Yeah, lots of people need a jump start.

Speaker 2 (40:43):
Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 3 (40:44):
Okay, we'll take a quick quick break and we're going
to come back with one more caller and wrap up.

Speaker 1 (40:48):
With TINXI WAKSI, and we're back. Oh ship. She always
have the sorry, sorry, I forgot well.

Speaker 2 (41:00):
Our last caller today is Ava. She is twenty three.

Speaker 4 (41:03):
Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty three years old and I live
in California. I'm California born and raised. I moved to
LA about a month ago. I have a childhood friend
whose life has taken a lot of the same turns
as mine. We went to the same college and are
now both living in LA. Not together though, and not intentionally.
She's a dear friend, and her good qualities are amazing,
but her bad qualities often feel detrimental.

Speaker 2 (41:26):
She's a bit clingy and jealous.

Speaker 4 (41:27):
She gets butt hurt when I have plans with other
friends that do not include her, even going as far
as tracking my location and asking what I'm doing all
the time. I want to be inclusive, but I want
to carve my own way in this new city and
do not want to feel like I have a jealous
boyfriend looking over my every move. I do not think
her behavior is ill intended, just a bit immature and
lingering effects of some past issues of being left out.

(41:50):
Due to her immaturity level, I would find it hard
to have an honest conversation with her about this. Since
she's intertwined with my childhood and college friends, which is
basically all of my friends. I do not see letting
the friendship slip as an option. Please advise Ava.

Speaker 6 (42:05):
Hi, thanks for having me. This is the best day ever.

Speaker 1 (42:08):
Oh, Hi cutie, how cute you are. This is Tanks
our special guest today.

Speaker 6 (42:13):
Hi, huge fan of both of you. Thanks for having
me today.

Speaker 3 (42:17):
Sure, thanks your thing. So, I mean you're going to
have to have a conversation with her. It's just a
matter of how truthful the conversation will be. So why
is she tracking your location?

Speaker 6 (42:29):
I know we lived together at once and so that's
kind of where the location thing came in. But yeah,
it's tricky. I mean, I want to do my own
thing and I want to, you know, carve my own way,
and it's just it makes it very difficult. And I
think that's what's hard, is having that kind of conversation
with honesty but also with kindness. I just don't know

(42:51):
how to find that balance.

Speaker 1 (42:53):
Yeah, I hear you.

Speaker 3 (42:54):
I mean it has to come from a very very
loving place with somebody who's delicate.

Speaker 1 (42:59):
Tanks.

Speaker 5 (43:00):
What are your thoughts, I don't know. I feel like
this is so like I completely understand. I've been in
similar situations like this. Also, when you're twenty three, your
friendships feel heightened, and.

Speaker 1 (43:10):
She's just like, she just loves you.

Speaker 5 (43:12):
She just wants to be around you all the time.
But you know that's not your problem. You need to
set this boundary. I think for me, I always try
to approach conversations like this with at least a little
bit of humor and lightness. So maybe it's like the
next time she's like, why are you at this coffee
shop without me? I think maybe the next time you
see her, just go, you know, like, I, dude, I

(43:33):
love you, but I can see other people without you,
and it doesn't mean I love you any less. Sometimes
I just I go places without you, you know, kind
of saying it in that way, lighthearted, so that she
doesn't feel like it's some big, like sit down attack thing,
because again it sounds like she is a little bit delicate.

Speaker 6 (43:50):
Yeah, absolutely, I love that, Thank you, Chelsea.

Speaker 3 (43:54):
What do you think I would say, because yeah, I mean,
if the sit down conversation, I think that's great advice.
I think if the sit down common conversation, if she's
too immature for that, which she probably is, then it's
probably gonna hurt her feelings and it's gonna blow up
to a point where you're going to start to feel
guilty about how you made her feel, which is like
getting back to square one. So yeah, I would drop
little hints like that the way Tanks is suggesting, you know,

(44:16):
in a humorous way, and be like, oh, okay, I
don't know.

Speaker 2 (44:20):
We can't be attached to the hip, you know, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (44:22):
We don't live together anymore, like you know you actually
you don't need to track me. I don't want to
like stress you out by me. I don't want to
stress you out by you seeing like what I'm doing
all day. But obviously I have other people in my life, honey.
I think the great line is it doesn't make me
love you any less, but we're not like I actually
don't know how to sell someone who's so neat, Like

(44:43):
I just could never fucking tolerate that shit.

Speaker 8 (44:46):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 (44:46):
I'm so young twenties, like I had the eye because
I lived with girls like all throughout my twenties and
we had such relationships like that where it was like
you get in the pattern of doing everything with them
and then and then one day someone's like, oh, I'm
going to get for you, and everyone's like, oh.

Speaker 1 (45:01):
Call the royal guard, like what's happening.

Speaker 5 (45:03):
So it's just like I think that the more like
light and goofy you can do it is better because again,
it's just it does feel like an intense situation. So yeah,
I think saying something like that or saying or like
joking and being like, dude, if you don't stop tracking me,
I am going to stop sharing my location, just like
in a kind of a jokey like tone like that,

(45:23):
and just be like like, you know, sometimes I just
got to see the other people, you know, and be
like I have to go make memory so that I
have gossip to tell you when I come to see
you next. You know, always light, light, light with the tone,
and you know, if she doesn't get the hint, if
she takes it really seriously, then you know it's time
to go to square two.

Speaker 3 (45:42):
What about the idea of tanks. Let me know what
you girls think about this? Catherine's youtuo, Like, what do
you think about complaining about this?

Speaker 1 (45:51):
Is very passive aggressive? But what do you think about
complaining about her her qualities pretending they're about someone else
to her? Like what about that?

Speaker 3 (46:02):
What if you're like, oh my god, this guy you
know or one of my girlfriends. She's on me all
the time, she texted me all the time, Like what
is that approach?

Speaker 4 (46:09):
Like, can you believe she only wants me to hang
out with her? That's crazy?

Speaker 1 (46:12):
Yeah, that's horrible.

Speaker 6 (46:14):
I think I've done that before and I don't think
that I don't think the hint was really going through.

Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yeah, that's not pretty straightforward advice. I'm usually against kind
of being passive aggressive, but like, sometimes with people you
have to be so special, like you know, you have
to handle so delicately. It's exhausting.

Speaker 3 (46:31):
Totally.

Speaker 6 (46:31):
Yeah, I love that, though not a whole intervention, I
think that feels super approachable.

Speaker 1 (46:35):
That feels great.

Speaker 2 (46:36):
Yeah, like address it when it comes up.

Speaker 4 (46:38):
And I also think, like, maybe today is the day
we stop sharing location?

Speaker 2 (46:42):
What do we think?

Speaker 1 (46:42):
Girls? I don't know, how do you say no? She'll
freak out?

Speaker 5 (46:45):
If you just if you just remove it, then she'll
freak out like that's too much.

Speaker 3 (46:50):
Well maybe maybe you just know, I don't know, maybe
you just say you removed everyone's like sharing location, Like
you just realize that not everybody needs it except for your.

Speaker 1 (46:59):
Mom or your dad or whatever.

Speaker 2 (47:00):
Yeah, like I did a refresh.

Speaker 3 (47:01):
I just did a refresh ago. I didn't even think
about it. I just was looked at it. I was
sharing locations with so many people. I just was like,
why this is not necessary?

Speaker 1 (47:09):
Yeah, yeah, awesome, I love that. Yeah, yeah, that's easy
I think to do. I have to check out my.

Speaker 3 (47:15):
Locations because someone said something like that to me the
other day and I'm like, how many people am I
sharing locations with? And then I looked and it's like
fucking four hundred people, like three ex boyfriends.

Speaker 1 (47:24):
I'm so so stupid. I know. Well, I mean, obviously
no one's coming to get me.

Speaker 3 (47:29):
I mean knock on would anyway, Thanks for calling in,
and I hope we were able to help. Tanks was
able to tink. Tinks Tis is her new name. I've
decided it's a tick, like a summer tick, a tick
in the Hampton's she uh she helped you though, so.

Speaker 1 (47:46):
I love it.

Speaker 6 (47:47):
Thank you both so much.

Speaker 1 (47:49):
Good luck, babe, bye, Thanks.

Speaker 2 (47:52):
Thanks.

Speaker 3 (47:53):
There's nothing I bore more than needy friends. I fucking
handle it. I am not needy, and I I don't
want you to need me. That's why I don't have
fucking children.

Speaker 1 (48:04):
It turns me off.

Speaker 5 (48:05):
It's so like, yeah, it's just so annoying, like the
neediness or insecurity and the friendship.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
It's really a turnoff for me and friends. I don't
have any insecure friends.

Speaker 3 (48:14):
And the thing that I really hate is when friends
get jealous of you the way hanging out with other
I had a friend who would get mad if I
hung out with someone she introduced me to without her.
I'm like, that's how people meet, that's how people get introduced.

Speaker 1 (48:30):
You introduce.

Speaker 3 (48:31):
Do you don't have many people I've introduced that are
best friends without me, Like, I fucking love that, which
is great. Leave me out of the equation. I don't care,
Like it's not a problem. That's what you're supposed to
do is connect people in life, Like you're supposed to
introduce the people you love to each other and.

Speaker 1 (48:46):
Hopefully they make a connection. No, I take it as
a point of pride.

Speaker 5 (48:50):
When I see people that I've introduced hanging out together,
that's that's good.

Speaker 1 (48:54):
Good good people know good people. I love being a connector.

Speaker 5 (48:57):
But when people get weird about it, I'm like, oh,
for God's sakes, we're adults.

Speaker 1 (49:02):
Yeah, people are insecure. A lot of people are insecure.
Most people are insecure.

Speaker 3 (49:05):
What's your love status right now, Tanks, is anything happening
in your neck of the woods.

Speaker 1 (49:09):
I'm single.

Speaker 5 (49:10):
I mean, I'm going on a few dates, but I'm
pretty single.

Speaker 1 (49:13):
I'm pretty happy.

Speaker 5 (49:13):
I'm honestly having the time of my life, Like I
just got by leaving Miami with my friends.

Speaker 1 (49:18):
I'm my book's about to come out, Like it's good.
I'm having a good time. And are you working with
a dating coach?

Speaker 5 (49:25):
She came on my podcast and she is like this,
you know, really famous dating coach. And I said, in
the middle of it, oh, why don't you look at
my dating profile and like tell me what you think.
In the middle of my podcast, she read me to filth.
She was like, this is the worst dating app profile.
Your pictures are too slutty, this is too negative. We
got to change all this because I said on there,

(49:46):
I said, no.

Speaker 1 (49:47):
One who will be intimidated. I travel a lot for work.

Speaker 5 (49:49):
I'm looking to have fun and I'm like, you know,
blah blah blah, and she was like, God, this is so.
But you know, at the end of the day, that's
who I am. I do come in a bit like that.
I'm very like, yeah, I'm like that. I'm like, don't
do that.

Speaker 1 (50:00):
This is me. I like to have fun and I
do dress like a slot, so I feel like I
should be honest about that. Yeah, I agree with that.

Speaker 3 (50:08):
I think you put your like right, you put your
most honest foot forward, even if that foot has two bunions.
You're like, listen, this is me, this is who I am,
and this is how it's going to be, because then
there shouldn't be any confusion exactly.

Speaker 1 (50:21):
I thought I was being honest.

Speaker 8 (50:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (50:23):
I don't like people who come in and say, oh, no,
you got to do this again.

Speaker 1 (50:26):
How would you know?

Speaker 3 (50:27):
Like, are you You're You're not a professional dater obviously
because you're running a dating like website or dating coaching
whatever it is.

Speaker 1 (50:35):
But I agree with that.

Speaker 3 (50:37):
I think the honesty is always the best policy, which
is why I just told that girl to lie to
her friend.

Speaker 1 (50:44):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (50:44):
So Hotter in the Hamptons is Tinks's new book. It
comes out May sixth. It's going to be available everywhere.
It's available for pre order, so please pre order your book.

Speaker 1 (50:53):
Enjoy it.

Speaker 3 (50:53):
It's time to get frisky in the summertime. Everybody, Okay, ladies,
and thank you Tanks. It was always pleasure to see.

Speaker 5 (51:00):
You, always a pleasure. This was fabulous. Thank you, Thank
you guys for having me.

Speaker 1 (51:05):
Hie day.

Speaker 2 (51:06):
Hi do do do do do do?

Speaker 3 (51:09):
Drum roll Catherine please and abroad broad is my European tour.
So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I
need to get the health out of this fucking country
and it's not as easy as you think. So I'm
coming to Rekuvik, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to

(51:30):
the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast.

Speaker 1 (51:34):
In May and June.

Speaker 3 (51:36):
I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow,
New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin,
Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad.

Speaker 2 (51:52):
That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.

Speaker 3 (51:54):
I know I want to go see me abroad and
there there all be, there all be excellent.

Speaker 1 (52:00):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (52:00):
My remaining dates for Vegas, there are remaining dates for
this year.

Speaker 1 (52:04):
Summertime is coming and.

Speaker 3 (52:08):
I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my
residency on July fifth. We will be the next date
that I'm there, July fifth, August thirtieth, and then November
one and twenty ninth. November one and November twenty ninth,
I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing
inside Myself at the Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the

(52:30):
Chelsea for a reason.

Speaker 1 (52:31):
Okay, thank you.

Speaker 2 (52:34):
Do you want advice from Chelsea?

Speaker 4 (52:35):
Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find
full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching
at Dear Chelsea pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered
by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine law And be sure
to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com