October 12, 2023 • 60 mins
Writer and humorist Samantha Irby joins Chelsea to talk about ignoring her stepkids so they think she’s cool, discovering what OCD looks like for her, and moving from Chicago to the Thai-food desert of Kalamazoo, Michigan. Then: A twenty-something is disgusted as all of his friends get married off. And a writer digs in too soon after the dissolution of his throuple.
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Find Samantha Irby's books, including Quietly Hostile, here!
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi guys, Hi everybody, It's Thursday, Thursday. Today's Thursday. That
means it is October twelfth. I'm performing at the Pantagious
tonight and tomorrow night, and I am coming to the
Arizona Financial Center on Saturday.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
This Saturday night. You guys can still get tickets for.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
That Arizona Financial Center in Phoenix.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And then next weekend.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
I have Cleveland, Ohio October twentieth, Columbus, Ohio October twenty first,
and then Pittsburgh October twenty second at the Hines Theater,
so please get tickets for that in those areas.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
This week has.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Been a very difficult week because of all the violence
and terrorism going on in Israel and how complicated that
situation is.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
So yeah, a lot of mixed emotions.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I don't think we'll get into it here, but I
think that it is important to be as educated as
you can and to understand that Hamas is a terrorist
organization that does not represent most Palestine, just like MAGA
right wing nuts don't represent most of Americans, just like
jihattists don't represent most Islamicists. And to remember that there's
(01:11):
really no room to say this is justified. I understand
how complicated the history of that region is, and that
Israeli government is not innocent in the oppression of the Palestinians,
and the Palestinians their governments have not been innocent as well.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
So it is a two way street.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
And it really would be wonderful if we could have
peace somewhere in this world.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
I mean, it is such a complex situation. I wonder.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
It always leaves me wondering, like what can we do?
And I wonder if there's some like human rights organizations
we can help.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Yeah, there is a human rights organization you can donate
to my friend Shelley. They're helping people on the ground,
and not just Israelis. They're helping any Palestinians who have
been since there is a blockade in Glaza. Israeli isn't
letting anyone go into Gaza. But there is an organization
that is helping anyone, anyone whether they are Israeli or
Palestinian it is on the ground that needs help. It's
(02:01):
called at Global empower Mint Mission, Global Empowerment Mission, and.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
They're giving aid to everybody. They're already in there.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
I put it on my Instagram page and you can
follow Mindful Skater Girl also, and she gives information on
that as well.
Speaker 4 (02:18):
I'll make sure to put a link to that in
the description as well, so if you want to donate,
you can go there and help out Chelsea. I do
have kind of a lovely response to our episode last
week with Ruby Warrington about not having kids.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
This comes from Deborah.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
She says, I am a seventy two year old woman
who recently lost the love of my life after forty
two years. Although he loved children, he respected my decision
not to have any of our own. Between us, we
have six nieces and nephews who have produced ten children.
I love all my great nieces and nephews and have
a really good time when I'm with them. They consider
me the fun aunt. I'm always open to whatever challenges
(02:57):
they present me with, and I've never regretted my descis
to not have kids. The wonder of children and their
curiosity of life is a joy that does not necessitate
being a mother or a grandmother. My husband and I
have followed you for many years and have always enjoyed
your comedy and insight.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Thank you, Deborah well Amen Shellem.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Yeah, I just love that. Thanks for writing in Deborah.
Thank you, Chelsea? Where have you been?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Right now?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I am living in my neighbor's house because my house
is still not done Jeeve, so I am this is
about eight months delayed, Chelsea.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Day promise right now.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Anyway, I like to focus on the positive things in life,
and that is that I have Bernie back in my arms.
She's looking fitter than ever. Here is a beautiful little baby.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Look at her.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Look she's lost weight. My Belle put her back in
tiptop shape. And she's so sweet. She's even sweeter than
when I left her. So I mean, I guess yeah.
My Moll's a really good influence. I mean she only
speaks Spanish, but that's fine because my Spanish has improved also,
that's true.
Speaker 5 (03:51):
Giving there we.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Go, fantastic.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
I have a question for you when you need to
have a laugh, who do you go.
Speaker 5 (03:57):
To a laugh?
Speaker 3 (03:59):
A laugh?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Myself? Fuck, I can't depend on anybody for that.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
No one else can be responsible for that.
Speaker 5 (04:06):
Nah, I don't know who I go to for a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
I don't think I go to anyone for specifically no.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
Or like Okay, if you do need to have laugh,
would you go book or would you go like comedy
special TV shows.
Speaker 5 (04:19):
No, I don't get that either.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I don't go I mean, I think there's a lot
of natural laughter in my life like that. I don't
have to seek that out. I go to people for
other things, you know, but not laughter. No, I'm supply
my own entertainment for myself. Yeah, yeah, can I have
a fucking blast with myself?
Speaker 5 (04:39):
I mean, nobody gets me like I do.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
You know, I do think that that's the perfect answer.
I think also, like when you can make yourself laugh,
I'm definitely somebody. Like if I'm doing like a post
on Instagram and I think it's funny, I'm like, I
don't care if anybody else thinks it's funny, Like I'm
cracking up about it for the next five minutes.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
I just love it.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I don't know a lot
of books that make me laugh.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
No, there are not a lot of funny books.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
I think that's why yours stand out because they're just ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Yeah, mine are really ridiculous. And David Sedaris will make
you laugh.
Speaker 5 (05:07):
That's a good author.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
And then there are you know, Sarah Silverman special made
me fucking laugh my ass off, and she's got a
new special that'll make you laugh. Yeah, no, I don't know.
So our guest today is somebody who I have. I'm
very excited to talk to you because I've read a
lot of her stuff. She's an essayist and the author
of METI We are never meeting in real life and wow, no,
(05:31):
thank you.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
Her new book is called Quietly Hostile.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
It came out in May, so please welcome humorist Samantha Irbie.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
Hello, Oh look who's there? Media scion Samantha Rbie.
Speaker 6 (05:49):
Oh my god, look at you guys. You look so beautiful.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Why do you have half of your face cut off?
How are we supposed to even recognize you?
Speaker 5 (05:58):
Fully? You have to flip it and reverse it, back
it up.
Speaker 6 (06:02):
Okay, here's the thing. My desk covered in garbage, and
I can't push.
Speaker 5 (06:11):
Die down and just pop your head up.
Speaker 6 (06:14):
So oh wait, here we go.
Speaker 5 (06:16):
Thank you ye of your full face? That's all. Hi,
Samantha Irbie, how are you? I am?
Speaker 6 (06:24):
My sweetheart? Okay, I know everybody comes on and it's
probably like Chelsea, I love you so much, but I
really do.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
They don't do that, and they don't.
Speaker 5 (06:39):
Okay, well then I forget.
Speaker 6 (06:40):
Let me be the fucking first and say that are
you there, vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Is the first audiobook
I ever listened to, and I count you among one
of the few people who I ate it possible to
(07:01):
like talk about your bullshit in a book that people
would buy and read, and it's funny and anyway, without you,
there's no me.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Well that's wonderful because I'm actually Samantha's birth mother, and
that's what this is podcast is all about.
Speaker 5 (07:21):
This is our twenty three in Me episode. And actually, Samantha,
you have a lot.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Of siblings that you're about to learn about too, So
I hope that you're in a good mood.
Speaker 6 (07:29):
Okay, I'm fine to meet them, as long as you
tell me upfront that I'm your favorite.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Oh, you're my favorite, obviously. You know I'm not an
idiot about favorites. Who's whoever I'm talking to. I just
want to say that I became familiar with you by
I think it was an excerpt that they had printed
from one of your books in the La Times, and
I thought, oh wow, what a breath of fresh air.
And then right when I became familiar with you, everyone
in my world started bringing you up to me because
(07:58):
you have such a unique writing style and you're, I
would say, a humorist.
Speaker 5 (08:02):
Would you agree with that?
Speaker 6 (08:03):
Yes, it's a weird word.
Speaker 7 (08:07):
Right.
Speaker 6 (08:07):
It feels fancier than what it is I think I do.
Speaker 5 (08:11):
Do you think essays is fancier than humorists?
Speaker 6 (08:15):
Essays is too fancy because like I feel like, you know,
David from or somebody is writing like essays. But if
you say comedian, people are people assume stand up and
I would never do stand up. I'm too sensitive. I
cannot have people walking in the door like primed to
(08:35):
call me a fabage before they even sit down. I
can't do that. So, yeah, humorist works. There's no good
word funny person.
Speaker 5 (08:47):
I know there really is.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
There's a language that has so many words that mean
the same fucking thing. You think they would be able
to come up with a new one or two to
describe very particular professions moods, you know, behaviors.
Speaker 6 (09:02):
Yeah, wait, what do you call yourself? Are you like actor?
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I don't, I mean, I just I can't. People call
me sometimes a writer a comedian essays two, I'm like essays,
that's not I don't know an essay if it hit
me in the fucking face. My writing is like basically
just learned out of every editor I've ever worked with.
I never had any formal training except for David Sad
and reading his books, and I just started once I
(09:27):
realized that you could do whatever the fuck you felt
like as a writer. Not that everyone is successful at
doing that, but you can do that.
Speaker 5 (09:35):
And the beautiful part about doing what.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
You want and how you would want to read is
that you're being honest and you have a real point
of view. And when you have a real point of view,
that's when you attract people. You know, That's when people
become well known, is because they are sharing something very
real to them. So I loved when I heard that advice,
like just be yourself and I think that that and
(10:00):
you're writing too, that this is the way that you
look at things in a very authentic way and see things.
Speaker 6 (10:06):
Yeah, I have had I'm with you on the no
formal training. That's another reason why when when people say essayist,
I'm like, I couldn't write a persuasive essay if you
wrote half of it for me, right, That's not really
what I do. But they call it essays because that's
easier than printed out blogs or whatever the fuck I
(10:30):
would call it a vlog.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
I'm gonna speak for you right now, and I know
that you would call it a vlog.
Speaker 6 (10:35):
Yes I would. I'm glad and maybe this is me
just trying to put lipstick on a pig, but I
am glad that I don't have any MFA professor voice
in my head telling me that I suck, telling me
that the form is wrong, telling me that it's bullshit.
(10:55):
Like people ask for writing advice and it's like impossible
to give. But what I I always say is write
what you want right because your editor's gonna fix it
and fuck around with it and change it. The publisher
is gonna have something to say. So if you start
out writing what you want, eventually it'll feel natural and
(11:20):
most of you will come through on the page. I'm
at the point now where they don't really change mind,
Like they fix the errors, but it's never like this
story needs a little more piss, you know what I mean.
They leave me alone, and I feel very lucky. But
I really do just like write whatever the fuck I want,
(11:40):
how I want, and I don't even have to convince
them that people will buy it, which is amazing. At
this point it took a few boots and now they're like, Oh,
you're gonna write about this porn you watched. Okay, people
hope we'll buy that. Well.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
And I think that's something that you sam are so
good at, is inserting your personality into stuff. I was
reading just like a little listical. I think it was
on the strategist of like stuff that you bought recently.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
And it's so funny. It was one of my favorite things.
Speaker 5 (12:13):
I've read recently.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
I was like, this sound machine sounds like something I
should buy.
Speaker 6 (12:18):
Okay, you should.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
It's very cheap sound. I mean, I have to listen
to sound every night. I'm like a baby me too.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I need a fan a rainstorm, and I need to
hear my dog within like six feet.
Speaker 5 (12:32):
Does your dog sleep in the bed when I trap her?
Fucking ass?
Speaker 1 (12:36):
She does when I trap her and pull away the
doggy steps and she has no retreat.
Speaker 6 (12:40):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
But I also just started this is a little bit
more sishy, but somebody sent me a rose Quartz eyeshade.
Speaker 5 (12:47):
I always wear eye.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Shades because I have to be in the dark, and
sometimes I end up just putting a T shirt over
my head, like a condom because I can't find my
eye shade because I'm too stone at the end of
the night, which has been an ongoing saga quite frankly,
and I wish somebody would be able to I can
nip it in the bud for me. AnyWho, I wore
this quartz eyeshit, and I got to tell you, like,
my face felt so good and it stayed on all night.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
It's quartz.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Yeah, it's rose Quartz. I mean it's from some brand
that I never plugged that I'm loving.
Speaker 6 (13:13):
So look at that's incredible. I'm gonna have to do
that because I too am a late night stonar. Oh
my god, Like, nothing is better.
Speaker 5 (13:24):
Where do you live, Samantha. Are you in New York
or La?
Speaker 6 (13:27):
No, I am in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
That's very suspect.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
I am a child of the Midwest. Well, I'm from
just north of Chicago, which is better than Keith Listen.
Speaker 5 (13:45):
I just had two shows in Kalamazoo a couple of
months ago.
Speaker 6 (13:48):
Oh bitch, we couldn't go because they sold out.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Oh you should have contacted me. I would have totally
gotten you hooked up. That would have been Oh they
sold out. The same thing to say, there's always a way.
Speaker 6 (14:00):
I don't have that kind of nerve. Now that we've
met and i'm seeing you face to face, I'm gonna
message you about everything. But then what if you were like, bitch, no,
who are you? I would have dropped dead.
Speaker 5 (14:16):
No, I don't do that.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
I do I help strangers that I don't know if
they're looking for tickets. I mean, I don't help them
by giving them because word got out about that, but
I direct that to my fucking website.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
Oh you know where, I'm coming to, Detroit. That's not
far from health.
Speaker 6 (14:28):
Ce you in Detroit.
Speaker 5 (14:29):
Oh yeah, okay, we'll hook her up with Detroit tickets.
That's perfect.
Speaker 6 (14:33):
I'll come see you. It'll be great. But yeah, I'm
in Kalamazoo because my wife lived here and she has kids.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Well, your wife is still living there. Actually it's not
past tests and now you live there.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
So when we met, she lived here, and when we
decided to get married and live together, I had no
dog in the fight, you know, as the childless one,
I could not be like, well Chicago is better. You
know that doesn't fly. So now I live here. But
you know what, I'm getting used to it I like it.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
I think, what are the differences that you've noticed, or
like the things in the beginning that you thought were
a little bit shocking but that you've since warmed up to.
Speaker 6 (15:14):
Okay, well this donna sound fucked up if I say
I've warmed up to it. But there's not a lot
of ethnic food, lots of different kinds of people. But
if you want to get like Thai food or Ethiopian food,
you have to drive to another town that's probably forty
(15:35):
five minutes to an hour away at least. And like,
that was a you know, Chicago's a big food town,
and it was a big bummer to move here and
be like, Okay, we got like two nice restaurants we
can go to and a few others we can pick
stuff up from. But I'm used to it now and
it's fine, you know, Okay, it's fine. Well that's good.
(15:58):
There's no traffic.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
That's nice. Yeah, that is really nice. Because you've lived
in LA and New York, haven't you.
Speaker 6 (16:06):
I've lived in LA for a few months, never in
New York. I have to go there for work, But
I hate New York.
Speaker 5 (16:12):
Oh you do do you?
Speaker 6 (16:14):
What do you?
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Because do you have you have OCD. Yeah, yes, does
that play into your hatred of New York.
Speaker 6 (16:20):
Well a little because it's so filthy. It's just so.
I stepped in a bag of vomit in the middle
of Lexington. It was like ten years ago, and I
can still feel my toe.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
I can feel what you're describing.
Speaker 6 (16:45):
And I was like, this, fuck, I hate this fucking town.
Every time I'm there, something in I'd see something insane
that's totally normal to everyone who's there, and I'm like,
how do you get used to this? No ty food,
I can get used to act. The vomit in the street.
Speaker 5 (17:04):
You can't get used to.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
There is a feculence that is roaming. And this is
in San Francisco too, because I visit my sister quite
often and I am alarmed by what goes on in
San Francisco. It's just defecation on the streets. You just
walk by piles of human shit. And I remember the
first time someone pointed it out to me and I
was like, how do you know that's human shit? They're like, Chelsea,
you could tell the difference. I was like, since when
(17:28):
I haven't been charatering human shit to know that I
there was a difference between dog shit and human shit.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
What is the difference and apparently there is a big one.
Oh God, talk to me a little.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Bit more about your OCD and how that works with
being such a successful writer.
Speaker 6 (17:46):
The OCD I was diagnosed like nine or ten months ago,
because I, Oh, forgive me for how this sounds, but
just work with me. I I kind of leaned into
the pandemic. I was like, Oh, this isn't bad. I
had a book come out in March of twenty twenty.
I didn't have to tour. They just delivered cases of
(18:10):
books to my house and people ordered them and I
personalized them and sent them out and it was great.
I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to
go anywhere. And then like a year into it, I
was like, oh, I'm actually like losing my mind. And
then when things opened up and we could go places,
(18:31):
I found that I was terrified of everyone. And that's
not me right, Like I'm not I'm a friendly person.
I'm fine out in public, but I was super hyper vigilant.
I thought someone was gonna attack me, or someone was
going to run me off the road. So I got
a psychiatrist and just told her about myself and at
(18:52):
the end she was like, I know you think you
have bad anxiety and depression, and you do have anxiety,
but your biggest problem is that you have OCD. And
I was like, whoa, So the way mine manifests. I
don't have a lot of ooh, I forget what they're called,
but you know, like the people who scrub their hands
(19:13):
and check, I don't have a lot of those. I
have a few bad ones, like I can't touch money,
like physical money.
Speaker 5 (19:24):
Oh good, there's none left anyway solved. I mean you
just have to use credit cards.
Speaker 6 (19:30):
Yeah. As a kid, though, it was like if you
tried to hand me a bunch of loose change, I
couldn't touch selling.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
I wouldn't wash my hands after that, and I don't
wash my hands after after a lot.
Speaker 5 (19:42):
I'll be honest.
Speaker 6 (19:43):
You know what. The most horrifying thing on earth to
me is to see someone like pay for something with
real money and then put their hands on food and
eat that food and may, oh my god, I.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Will That's very prevalent in New York City because of
all this dance and the like taco stance or no
taco stance in New York.
Speaker 5 (20:03):
City, but straight food, whatever they're called.
Speaker 6 (20:07):
I wish, I wish it could be me, but it
will never know.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
I know, I know, I kind of there is something
when you look at a man that does that casually,
like you're kind of like, oh, do you not get germs?
Speaker 5 (20:17):
I guess you don't, Yes, right.
Speaker 6 (20:20):
I wish I could feel so free. So that's my
only like, oh, it's contamination, that's my only contamination OCD thing.
But what I do or my OCD sort of manifests
in hypervigilance, which is exhausting, right to think all the
(20:40):
time that I need to be prepared in case someone
hits me. I have never been struck by a stranger
in public. I don't know where this fucking fear fucking
came from. I think being inside all the time I
was just like everybody out there is terrifying. And my
(21:00):
psychiatrist is like, yeah, I think a lot of this
stuff was dormant or pretty far under the surface. And
then being alone with your own thoughts for two years
fucked you up. And I ruminate a lot where I
just can't let go of a faux pas I've made,
(21:23):
or even better worse is if I think I did
something but don't have confirmation. Like if you got up
and left right now and just ended the zoom, I
would never stop thinking about what I could have possibly
done to make you mad. Now you probably.
Speaker 7 (21:45):
Just or.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Walkout.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Is really funny because that would be something you must
have done, like silent, what would.
Speaker 5 (21:54):
Require me to leave my own recording just like.
Speaker 6 (21:59):
Fuck this bye, I made a mistake. I would never
stop thinking about it. So it's that kind of fixation
on either what I've done wrong or what I could
do wrong, or a way I could embarrass myself. I
spend a lot of time just thinking over and over
and over about ways I might embarrass myself in a
(22:22):
failing effort, because you can't talk yourself out of being
humiliating to not commit that error. So I just you know,
if I have an event, I'm like, oh my god, Okay,
don't fall off the stage, know who you're talking to,
don't look at anyone directly and make them feel weird,
you know what I mean. It's like that kind of
(22:43):
thing for weeks. Then the event happens and I do
all that shit any way and like feel super crazy
about it. Long story long, I'm on three hundred milligrams
of zola.
Speaker 5 (23:00):
And does that help?
Speaker 6 (23:01):
I think so it doesn't. I had an appointment with
my psychiatrist yesterday where I was like, she was like,
how are you doing on the meds? And I was like,
you know, I take them, but I still have like thoughts.
She's just like, that's not a problem. And I was like,
but honestly, I would love it if the medication could
(23:24):
wipe some of the thinking out. And she's like, I'm
not going to prescribe anything to you that does that.
Speaker 5 (23:31):
And I was like, well, well, Samantha, you came to
the right place.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
I was like, I'm just going to keep smoking tons
of weed then, and she's like, well, fine, whatever, just
take your pills.
Speaker 5 (23:42):
Yeah, as long as you can mix the two. It's
when you can't.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
I mean usually that those types of meds are they
don't go well with alcohol, so weat is good for
that for.
Speaker 6 (23:50):
Yeah, I can't drink, so now I just have a
million edibles on me at all times.
Speaker 5 (23:57):
So now talk to me about being a step mother.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
What is how is that working for you and what
do you think you're I'd like to hear what you
think your strongest asset in that department is.
Speaker 6 (24:11):
Don't make me lie on your podcast. I don't have
any good.
Speaker 5 (24:15):
Yeah some parents, I of course, yeah say it.
Speaker 6 (24:19):
No, I'm pretty good at it. Okay. So the kids
are now fifteen and seventeen. They were five and seven
when I met them ten years it's so first of all,
let no one ever talks about how like watching a
child grow up ages you, Like, I don't feel old
(24:41):
until I think about knowing them in kindergarten and like
now the one is like driving a car and has
a job, and I'm like, what the fuck? How have
ten years gone by? I do what I call like
adjacent parenting, which they have a mom and a dad.
(25:03):
So those people are gonna do the vaccines and you know,
set the broken arms, do the soccer signups. I don't
have to do any of that shit. I just get
to do the cool shit, which is talk to them.
They both tell me everything about you know, who broke
up with who, and who we're kicking out of the
(25:25):
friend group and who posted what on snapchat. I live
for that. But you have to play it cool because
if you look too excited, though, stop telling you, Stop
telling you.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
I always look away when there's a question I'm asking
of one of my nieces or nephews. Where I need
the answer, I always look like, no, I'm not that
interested in the answer.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
That usually brings them in.
Speaker 6 (25:49):
That is the key to my step parenting is I
act like I have an interesting life, which I do,
and I tell them that my life is more interesting
than theirs. Like the thing about kids is for their parents.
I'll never forget this. One time when they were very little,
(26:09):
the older one came to me and was like, Hey,
do you want to watch me play? And I was
like no, I could watch TV, Like what sit and
watch you play? I was like does your mom do that?
And he's like yeah sometimes, And I was like, well,
go find her. I'm doing something. And I think, why
(26:34):
you let kids know that they're not the center of
your universe. They give you automatic respect that automatically elevates
you to being a little bit cooler than they might
have thought you were. So I just act like everything
I do is interesting and I don't look up from
my phone, you know, I just play it so cool.
(26:58):
And then like I'll hear them tell their friends when
they come over, like, oh yeah, it's okay, we can
hang out here. My stepmom's cool. And like, I'm not
that cool. I just am good.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
At ignoring being elusive.
Speaker 6 (27:13):
It's like you know the old dating books that were
like don't call them for three days. We do that
with these kids.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Yeah, totally too available is not what they're interested in.
Speaker 6 (27:26):
You look needy. You look needy. Mom at the dinner
table is like, how is school today, and they're like,
we didn't go to school. But then later when they're like, hey,
want to hear what happened in science and I'm like no,
they automatically start telling me, and then I'm.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Like yes, So do you have one of your works
that you're most proud of?
Speaker 6 (27:48):
Probably see there are some things in the New One
that I am proud to have in the world, mostly because,
like I wrote about my fail pilot, like trying to
make a TV show on my first book, and that
felt good to have in the world. So no one
will ask me about it again. You know, like people
(28:12):
see anything with TV and they're so excited because like
people fucking hate reading books, and so they're like, oh,
who whoa, whoa, whoa fuck your books. You're doing something
on television can't wait to watch And I'm like, well,
you could read it now and they're like, fuck that
can't wait to watch the show and there's gonna be
(28:33):
no show, so now they know, but I think maybe wow, No,
thank you is my proudest because it was the first
book of like my new boring Michigan housewife life and
it actually turned out well and it performed well, and
(28:55):
that made me, you know, not that like before I
was like cos playing as Carrie Bradshaw, like I had
some big, exciting life, but I was fucking more than
one person and going to shit in a big city.
And then I changed my life to live with a woman.
I don't have to fuck that often, which is great
(29:16):
because we're old and doing less. And I thought like, oh,
is do people want this? Or is this interesting? Well?
I have enough to put in a book and it worked,
which was a surprise to me. So that's maybe my
favorite child.
Speaker 5 (29:37):
It's nice to have a favorite.
Speaker 6 (29:39):
Yeah, yeah, the one because I'm never going to be
the peron because you know how people are, They're like, oh,
you wrote a bunch of books, which one should I read?
And I'm never going to be the person who's like
get all of them? Like, no, get the green one.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
That's what what do you think about the lack of
reading in this world. It's so upsetting to me. It
makes me read even more. Actually, because I have revenge reading,
I have to, like, you know, make up for I mean,
I read like four books at a time. I like
to go at it from like all different avenues. And
I like nonfiction, I like autobiographical, I like historical, and
I like fiction. So I like to mix it all
(30:15):
together because I got to tell you, the more you read,
the more clarity you have, and the fucking sharper you are.
And I don't know why people can't just put the
fucking phone down.
Speaker 6 (30:27):
I know, I know reading is the reason I can write,
right because I didn't get any formal writing training, but
as a kid, I was a voracious reader. I continued,
I still just I'm reading like three different books right now.
Speaker 5 (30:47):
What are you reading right now?
Speaker 6 (30:49):
Right now? I'm reading this book that's about to come
out called mave Fly. It's by a woman, horror by women.
It's my thing. I'm also reading this book called mother Thing.
I mostly read fiction. I can't read a lot of
essays because I feel like I start to imitate people's
(31:10):
voices and style, and I don't ever want anyone to
be like, m this bitch just trying to be me.
But horror is a big one for me because it's
so different from what I do and my brain I
do not see jump scares coming. I never figure out
who the killer is, so I'm like, put more of
(31:32):
those in my hand. The people not reading thing is
so distressing to me, not even as a writer, because like,
mostly I just care that people buy it. If they
don't read what's inside, what am I gonna do? Just
give me that sweet seventeen dollars, But it is I
(31:56):
feel like when like you never hear people talking about
books they've read, which is so depressing because that's one
of the great things about a book, is hearing like
what someone else.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Thought about exactly exactly, and even when you read a book,
Like I read a.
Speaker 5 (32:13):
Book and then I'm basically telling all my friends about
a book I'm reading.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
And I'm the only one talking about the book. It's
kind of and then you sound annoying. People are like,
we're not interested. I'm like, yeah, I guess not.
Speaker 6 (32:23):
I hate that. Well, we will exchange. I'll tell you
what I'm reading, you tell you what you're reading, and
will be the few people who read. But I don't
know if I mean, I know it's the phones, but
I feel like my own grandfather saying it's the phones.
But it's the phone, Why can't I mean, there's nothing
(32:45):
on my phone worth like boiling my eyeballs over. That's
like better than just taking a book and reading it.
And I think I have a really good imagination and
I love to be transported. I think that's another reason
for writing or for reading so much fiction. It just
(33:08):
makes me sad because like books are everywhere there. You
can get a book wherever, and it really is just
not to sound too cheesy, but a passport to another
place for however long you're in it.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
And I feel and you feel so much better after
you read something, or complete a book, or even read
a few chapters. You feel so much better when you
allot yourself that time than you do when you get
done looking at your phone. So like, I know, the
phone is unavoidable because we live in that kind of society,
but it is. You can put your phone away for
an hour a day, two hours a day and read
(33:47):
a book, and the way that fills you up is
really indescribable. And I have a hard time getting it
across because I think only other people who read books
know that there's a peaceful meditativeness that comes with leaping
into another world that you wouldn't ever have dreamt up
on your own.
Speaker 6 (34:01):
Most likely, Yes, yes, I read a couple months ago
when everyone else posted pictures of it on the Internet.
You never know who's actually reading the books they post.
But I read Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow, which is
that Gabrielle Zevin book about two video game designers and
(34:22):
their lifelong friendship. I am not interested in video games.
I didn't grow up in Los Angeles. I hate having friends, honestly,
I hate knowing people.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
It's so freeing to say that, oh.
Speaker 6 (34:42):
It's really the best. But like you read that, you're
taken into this world like they're at MIT. I couldn't
be a janitor at MIT, right, Like it just puts
you in a place you're never gonna be, and you
can like plung into someone else's experience. I wonder too,
(35:03):
if a lack of curiosity and a lack of empathy
are other reasons people don't read. Because I want to
know my you know, all of our lives are so
small in the greater context. It's just me living my
little life over here. If I can experience someone else's
(35:24):
life by just picking up a book, I'm going to
do that. And I feel like there are more people
than not who don't have that curiosity, who don't want
to learn about other people who don't. And I read
things too that I'm trying to find community with this person,
(35:45):
you know, I feel like this is someone I could know,
or this person's story. I was never homeless in this way.
I don't know where Appalachia is. I'm going to read
about this homeless Appalachian. But I feel like the people
who do that are few and far between, not to
(36:05):
make us all exceptional, even though we are.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
There is a lack of curiosity.
Speaker 6 (36:10):
No one cares about any anything but themselves.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Yeah, very self absorbed society, and I'm very I wonder
if the lack of curiosity came before social media or
as a result of social media.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
I guess both.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I guess because you get drawn into something it's so
mindless and thoughtless, right, and then you get to live
a life through someone else's leans. Instead of being in
charge of what you're going to be putting in your brain,
you're looking at other people what they're doing, and then
that creates a whole list of ickiness too. I mean,
it just doesn't ever feel good to spend hours on
(36:45):
your phone at a time, like it's so hiky. So
I'm glad we're on the same page on that. We're
gonna have to take a quick break and we're gonna
come back. Okay, Okay, are you stable?
Speaker 6 (36:55):
Okay, okay, yes, we're back.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
We're back. We're back.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
That's my new favorite term to describe someone that I
won't hang out with is they're unstable. That's what I
say now to my friends. I go, I don't find
them stable, and my friends are like, what does that mean?
I go, just not stable enough for me to hang
out with. I don't want a hot mess I'm not
in the mood for that. I'm there if there's an emergency,
but I don't need hot messness dot com as a
through line.
Speaker 6 (37:24):
Right, We're past it, no hot messiness.
Speaker 5 (37:27):
I've outgrown it.
Speaker 6 (37:28):
Uh Uh, it's like it's Tuesday. I don't need any bullshit.
Speaker 5 (37:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
I saw this woman yesterday who I kind of know,
not really, but you know, no, because we're both public people,
and she came up to me.
Speaker 5 (37:39):
She's like, I've got to talk to you. I'm just
going through it. I'm going through it.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
I'm like, oh god, you know. And I was interested
in the beginning, and then as she went on and
on and on and on and on, I was like,
Oh no, this isn't something that's happening to you now.
This is something that's been happening to you for a
long time, and like you need help beyond anything I
can say to you, Like she said, no, this person,
this person, and she's blaming everything and everybody, and I'm like,
(38:03):
you need a therapist.
Speaker 5 (38:04):
It's not everybody's fault that you're in this situation. It's
your fault.
Speaker 1 (38:07):
But of course, you know, people sometimes come up to
me and ask me these questions, and I always am
like at the outset, I'm like, oh yeah, let me.
And then once you hear the story, you're like, oh no, no,
you're you have a situation and I don't want any
part of it.
Speaker 5 (38:19):
Please leave me alone.
Speaker 6 (38:20):
I'm gonna seal that Oh no, no, no, you have
a situation.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Sounds like you're in a pick You're gonna need to
take that pickle and find out where to put it.
Speaker 6 (38:30):
Not me, Yes, Yeah, no free therapy, especially not on
the street when you weren't expecting it.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
I don't mind that, honestly, if somebody, if I can
help somebody, I'm not like that.
Speaker 5 (38:40):
I don't care.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
If I'm not if I'm not in the mood off icking,
tell them like Rondez pal like, don't come.
Speaker 6 (38:45):
Up to me.
Speaker 5 (38:46):
But if I am, I'm totally down.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
I always want to help somebody or leave somebody with
a little pep in their step if I can. I mean,
it doesn't happen that often. It's not like I'm going
to the airport or late in the field questions.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
I just forced her to come here once a week
and do it on.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Sometimes five times a week. Yeah, we've been working a
lot lately.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
Well, let's jump right to a caller first. Our first
color is Drew. He is twenty six and I know, Sam,
you have some wisdom about being in your twenties. Try
to sleep through it, Dear Chelsea Catherine an esteemed podcast team.
I'm a twenty six year old gay male struggling to
(39:24):
put it all together. I come from a shitty childhood
full of alcoholism, affairs, divorce, abandonment, and estrangement. My views
on love and relationships I feel will forever be distorted.
I feel like relationships are only good for the two
people in the relationship, and everyone else gets hurt around them.
See how crazy that is. My father picked his side
(39:44):
piece and left. My mother picked a boyfriend and cut
us off. My friends are now starting to pick their
partners and disappearing off into the domesticated abyss. I just
don't get it all. I take medication for anxiety and
depression and have worked with a therapist for the last
two years. I find happiness and joy in my thriving career,
good times with friends, but that seems to be all.
(40:06):
I struggle with dating on one hand, thank God, On
the other, it sucks. This idea of the fairy tale
romance makes me gag because I've seen the ugly side
of it all. It's just not real. I hate that
I'm this way, and truly would love for Prince Charming
to come scoop me up and fix all my problems.
But again, I know that's not real. I yearn for
my thirties and hopes that it will all make more sense.
(40:27):
My twenties have been brutal, but so were my tens.
Speaker 5 (40:30):
Lol.
Speaker 4 (40:31):
What would you say to your twenty six year old self?
And when does it start to get better?
Speaker 3 (40:36):
XO Drew?
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Hi Drew, Hi, Hi ho hard.
Speaker 5 (40:40):
Look how you lit up right away? I was like, oh,
you're so cute, Hi Drew.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
This is our special guest, Samantha Irvey Fame Hi Drew, Yes.
Speaker 7 (40:50):
Hi Smith Irby, how are you, babe.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Good famed writer and anti socialist?
Speaker 8 (40:57):
Fuck yes?
Speaker 5 (40:59):
True?
Speaker 1 (41:00):
Okay, you have a very bad attitude, my friend, and
a very victim.
Speaker 7 (41:04):
I do, I do?
Speaker 1 (41:05):
You're playing a victim so quickly. I'm going to jump
in for Samantha. The patterns of behavior that were created
as a child, your mother, your dad leaving, it's very
obvious that that's the imprint. So you think when someone's
in a relationship they leave you. You're adult friends, You're
an adult now.
Speaker 5 (41:21):
You're not a little kid anymore.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
So like your adult friends when they're getting married, the
relationship isn't over. You can actively pursue to be friends
with a couple when they're married, even when they have children,
if you so desire. But these people are not abandoning
you when people get married, and so you have to
really do some work on yourself to get yourself out
of life, like make a shift mentally and emotionally to
understand that that happens to you as a little kid,
(41:44):
but now as an adult, you have the power to
remain in these friendships and relationships, and relationships don't represent
that they're only good for two people. That's your attitude.
You got to have a great attitude. Relationships are beautiful,
you know, there's maybe not a fairy tale ending for
every single person, but there's a lot of love to
be found. And to lower your expectations so that you're
(42:06):
not looking for the most perfect thing to come at.
Speaker 5 (42:09):
You, you know. But moreover, like do you see a therapist?
Speaker 7 (42:14):
Yeah? Yeah, I have for the last two years.
Speaker 8 (42:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Yeah, Well you want to dig in deep to this, right,
I mean sure that you've started, right, what have you
learned so far about placing those kind of childhood expectations
on your adult self?
Speaker 7 (42:25):
Right now? We're really working on like un learning a
lot of behaviors. I'm learning a lot of patterns. I'm
kind of going through like a situation right now with
a friend where like they have just fallen in love
with someone and just really kind of regressed and I've
you know, been very intentional about like letting that happen
and keeping the peace and trying to be just as
positive and supportive as possible, because I have been burned
in the past, and I do know that there is
(42:47):
a pattern of history here and there is a repeating
rhythm and that does need to change. So I'm yeah,
we're we're working pretty she's my best seet. We're working
pretty hard. Right.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
That's awesome, that's awesome, You're already working on it. It's
just a matter of it, like taking hold in your
life and to start to be joyful for people instead
of feeling like something's being taken away. Because when you
can appreciate the stuff that you do have in your life,
there's a sense of abundance. And this is like spiritual talk,
but it's fucking true, Like I live it, and I
have so many friends that live it. When you start
(43:17):
to appreciate the things you have, more things start to
show up. When you're bemoaning what you don't have, the
things you have slip away. So you always want to
be like you want to get up every morning and
whether it's saying mantras into the fucking mirror and to
writing down I'm happy, and I want to spread love
and joy and you say that into the mirror twenty
times a day, or if you want to meditate or
(43:37):
do a guided meditation, get yourself up on the right
foot every fucking morning so that you are starting off
in like a positive path and that you're going to
light up people around you. That's your goal, you know,
and eventually that won't seem annoying, it will seem natural.
You have to trick yourself into getting into a more
positive Headspace's absolutely, Samantha.
Speaker 6 (43:58):
What would you like to say, Well, I'm going to
take all of your advice because that was really good
getting up and saying a mantra. It was a word.
But I am going to say if you fail at
what Chelsea said, which I often do, you could lean
(44:19):
into just being a hater with a good career, right,
like you said, you like your job, right, you can
just be like fuck, friends, I just I'm great at
my career. Look at me making money. I'm doing what
I want. Yeah, I don't have to buy wedding gifts
for a bitch I don't talk to anymore.
Speaker 7 (44:40):
So then you're off the hooksguage girl.
Speaker 6 (44:44):
No, but you have to try Chelsea's way first by
the mantra.
Speaker 5 (44:49):
Do you like her advice more than that? No, that's
what's great about being a person. You can.
Speaker 6 (44:55):
I'm going to try it too, because I want to
spread love and joy. I like that's my the thing.
I love making people laugh. But there is a something
rotten deep inside get rid of and in case that
happens to you, you can just become the rot and
just like a right.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
You know, our rotten sides are just our shadow selves.
Everyone has a rotten side. You're not the only people
with it.
Speaker 5 (45:21):
I've got it. You've got it. Where we have those mean.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
Thoughts or we have you know, where we're not happy
for others, or we wish something bad would happen to
somebody to put them in their place. That's natural, but
it depends do you want to ride that or do
you want to ride the positivity and be on the
flip side of that, because that's going to yield much
better results.
Speaker 5 (45:42):
I hate everyone too.
Speaker 1 (45:44):
But I work very hard to not hate everybody so much,
because nobody deserves to be here, you know what I mean?
Speaker 7 (45:53):
Yeah? Yeah, And like that's fore I'm kind of at
this place where, like I think and I'm twenty six, right,
so I'm still a very baby adult. But like if
you have asked me twenty one, that whole like cutthroat
career girl who's out for only hers like that was
very I identified a lot with that. I really leaned
into that. I was like, well, obviously this is how
my this is the path for me right here. And
as I like get older, I just kind of like, damn,
(46:16):
so yeah, I mean, obviously I'm aware that that is
not who I want to be, right and I think
making the steps that kind of reverse that is where
I need to be focusing.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
Yeah, And also, you can have your days where you
don't want to deal with people, or a week if
you don't.
Speaker 5 (46:30):
I mean, listen, I do it all the time.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
I'm a recluse when I'm on tour and I come home,
I can't be bothered or to socialize. Everyone's annoying me
that kind of thing, right, But there's a time and
a place for that. And then when you're putting yourself
out into the world, you know, there's nothing negative that's
going to come from being positive and kind of you know,
and it becomes infectious. Also, it's like a contagion and
so it's don't think about it as yourself, think about
(46:53):
it as like spreading good vibes around because the world is, like,
you know, a difficult and ugly place for a lot
of people people, so you're not alone and having those
dark thoughts.
Speaker 5 (47:02):
That's that's part of who we all are.
Speaker 4 (47:04):
Yeah, one thing that's helped me as sort of a
stepping stone on that way, Like you might not be
able to go from like having this messy experience of
like seeing your parents be super chaotic to like, I believe.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
In love and Prince Charming is out there.
Speaker 4 (47:17):
But a nice stepping stone for me was learning to
be curious and saying, what if that person is out
there who will like me for me and treat me
really well? What if that is out there for me,
for my friends, and just sort of asking yourself when
you have those cynical thoughts of like it doesn't exist,
it's not real, what if it is?
Speaker 3 (47:37):
Like what if it could be?
Speaker 6 (47:39):
Right?
Speaker 7 (47:39):
And I'm really trying to focus on unlearning the idea
in my head that like to need someone, to want someone,
to yearn someone is a weakness because that's very much like, yeah,
and I really need to you know, get the reverse
button on that.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
Yeah, well you know what you need to do, so
I think you're on your way. Best of luck to you.
Thanks for calling ineous afternoon. I hope he gets out
of that fucking office that he was sitting in and
that looked like diarrhea or the mom that Samantha stepped
in a bunch of times, which is she's never returned
(48:15):
to New York City since then.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
I wouldn't either.
Speaker 4 (48:19):
Our next caller is Fredo. Dear Chelsea. My name is
Fredo and I'm a forty three year old polyamorous gay
man from Puerto Rico currently living in Pennsylvania with my
now husband. We've been together for seven years and have
been married for four months. We were also in a
very loving and committed threatble for close to two years. Sadly,
our third wasn't ready to receive all the love, attention
(48:40):
and responsibility and ended the threat ball nine months ago.
We were devastated. The love we both developed for this
man was very powerful and it still is. We're still recuperating.
At the same time, I wouldn't change the time we
shared together. I'm currently in therapy and I started meditating
in the mornings even hopping on treadmill at four thirty am.
(49:01):
I studied literature in college, so as part of my
self discovery, I decided to write about our love story.
So many good moments, many intents, and some very sad.
The problem lies in the fact that I'm a very
emotional guy, so recounting events can be tricky for me.
I don't deny that after a writing session it takes
a bit of time for all the feelings to settle
back again. Maybe too long. Since I've started writing, I
(49:26):
haven't felt the support from my husband about this new
creative work. He doesn't take it seriously. As a writer yourself,
what is your take on this situation. I want to
keep writing and get my story out, but at the
same time I want to be present and happy for
my husband and not let the feelings take over to
the point that it affects him. Thank you, Love you, Attasha.
Is a picture of me and my husband and he's
(49:46):
here with us as well.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
Hi, Well, Fredo, Fredo, Fredo, we're calling you Fredo. That's
quite a mouthful, will Fredo. No, wonder you want people
to call you Fredo?
Speaker 8 (49:56):
Yes? How you doing?
Speaker 5 (49:57):
Hi?
Speaker 1 (49:58):
Our special guest is Samantha Irby, So you're in line.
Speaker 6 (50:02):
Hello, Hello, Okay, can I say something As a person
who writes about herself and has written four books that
involve other people a couple of things. They make a
lawyer read my manuscript before they published it, And every
time the lawyer says, you own everything that's happened to you,
(50:27):
but you don't own everything that's happened to other people,
and you have to get their consent, or at least
make sure they're not going to sue you for writing
about them. So that's my first piece of advice, and
number two is about the emotions of it all. If
(50:48):
it's that upsetting to write about, you should wait until
it's not upsetting. Because when you put work out into
the world, I don't put any think in a book
that I wouldn't be okay with being on the news
because once your work is out there, people are just
gonna talk to you about it all the time, and
(51:10):
you can't break down. You can't have a breakdown every
time someone wants to talk to you. So if maybe
that's a sign that you're not quite ready to be
putting this to paper makes sense.
Speaker 9 (51:26):
Actually, my my therapist suggested something like that too.
Speaker 1 (51:31):
Oh well, look at that, Samantha Irby with a clutch advice.
Speaker 5 (51:35):
Look at that very.
Speaker 6 (51:38):
I'm gonna go to therapy school, thank you, Fred.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
Or you could just start a podcast. That sounds pretty
fucking right on. I have to say, I mean, truer
words have never been spoken well. And of course, listen,
if you do want to write about somebody that doesn't
want to be written about, there are ways around that too.
Speaker 5 (51:55):
You can fiction live that character as.
Speaker 1 (51:57):
All editors names, change names so that they're not recognizable,
change their jobs, locations, blah blah blah, all of that.
But I do feel like you're doing a bit of
journaling right now, more so than writing right That's what
it feels like like you're It's a bit cathartic for you.
Speaker 8 (52:12):
Yeah, yeah, at this moment.
Speaker 9 (52:15):
It's actually taking shape at this moment, so it was
a little all over the place. It's kind of growing
and getting into turning into something more concrete, and I
really want to put it out there.
Speaker 8 (52:25):
I have to say that the experience of being in
a THROPO.
Speaker 9 (52:29):
For me, I have never been in that type of relationship,
and it really changed a lot of the perspective of
how we see things. It's so intense, you know, for
the good parts and the bad ones too.
Speaker 8 (52:42):
There's you know, three set of minds together. And I
have to say that I wouldn't go.
Speaker 9 (52:50):
Back after that part of the heart is kind of
open up to another person. I really cannot. And it's
not not to say that I don't love my husband
like with all my life. He's incredible, but that space,
it's there. So it's been already ten months, and it's
(53:10):
just difficult for me to sit down and write because
I know that he gets a little quiet, and after
I write it for a bit, then I get a
little quiet because a bunch of feelings come up. And
also I also have ADHD, so I'm a little scatterbrained.
So I would like to ask him some stuff, some
details about what happened.
Speaker 8 (53:33):
And I don't know how to enter that.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
You know what, it has been ten months, but your
emotions aren't wrapped up yet, right, You still.
Speaker 5 (53:41):
Have lingering feelings.
Speaker 1 (53:43):
So maybe it would be time to just take a
little break, like just to say I'm going to take
a month off of us doing this because you are
it's not like you're writing without infringing on his space
as well, because you're asking him to help you write,
so that's a little different. I think maybe you should
take a month off and when you come back, try
and do it on your own, and then you could
(54:04):
set a time deep in the future that you go
to him for the details that you're missing. You know,
don't make him part of your writing routine, because that's
not his desire, it's yours. So find a private area
to do that in And if you can do that
right away, then great. But if you can't, take some
time off and just give yourself a break, because that
sometimes when you're writing, I know, is a great reset.
(54:25):
Sometimes you're writing and you're writing and it's like it's
not right, this isn't working, this isn't making sense, this
isn't the kind of language I want to be using,
and you know, there's a reset time.
Speaker 8 (54:34):
Yeah, makes sense.
Speaker 9 (54:35):
My worry is that I would miss the intensity of
the details that I have myself, that I would forget
or you know, you.
Speaker 6 (54:43):
Can make notes, you could jot down notes, you could
use your notes app to remember things like that's.
Speaker 4 (54:50):
What I do.
Speaker 6 (54:51):
I text myself if there's something I want to remember.
I do want to ask because I think it might
help you. Is it possible for you to write outside
of your house? Can you take your laptop somewhere because
if your tents and do you know whatever emotions are
coming up for you, and then your partner is seething
(55:13):
in another room while you have your computer out, and
then you both have to decompress from that. If you
could maybe remove like show him that you are caring
for his feelings and remove yourself while you're writing, that
might help too.
Speaker 8 (55:31):
Oh yeah, I do have the time, and I could
go someplace else.
Speaker 9 (55:35):
But you know, sometimes just before bed, just randomly that
I would, you know, have to want to write something.
I put all my tablet and he already looks at
me and said, are you sure you're want to write
that right at this time of time at night?
Speaker 8 (55:46):
And I know, you know, I get it.
Speaker 1 (55:49):
Yeah, So I think just have a little bit more
respect for doing it privately, right m m.
Speaker 7 (55:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (55:54):
And you can jer to like, yeah, you can bombit
out all your thoughts in the next three weeks and
put them all and then take a break and be like, Okay,
I got all the details down. They don't have to
be in the perfect order or the perfect arrangement, you know,
it's good to just kind of vomit your thoughts out
when you're feeling this intensely about something, And.
Speaker 4 (56:11):
You might do some like physical reset stuff after you've
been writing, before you interact with your husband, Like say
it's during the day and he comes home from work.
You know, you can go for a walk, you can
take a shower, which will help reset your nervous system,
do some breathing exercises. But like giving yourself ten minutes
to just like put yourself in a different frame of
mind before you have an interaction with him might be
(56:32):
really helpful.
Speaker 9 (56:33):
Yeah, this podcast has been very, very helpful during this
couple months.
Speaker 8 (56:38):
So I feel like I'm home.
Speaker 2 (56:42):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
I love that, And thank you for calling in and
sharing with us. Take some of what we said to heart,
and you know, just change it up a little bit,
and I think you'll get a different result and then
your partner won't feel so depleted.
Speaker 8 (56:53):
Also, thank you, thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (56:55):
Thank you, Fraido.
Speaker 1 (56:57):
I well with Fredo was worth the way you girls?
Speaker 6 (57:03):
Yes, yeah, I love to.
Speaker 4 (57:05):
I know.
Speaker 6 (57:07):
I don't want him to fuck up his relationship though
with the writing.
Speaker 5 (57:11):
Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back.
Speaker 6 (57:17):
We're back.
Speaker 1 (57:18):
Whenever I hear about threupples, I'm like, I don't know
how people do it. It's just too much drama. There's
enough drama in one and one relationship. I understand not
staying with the same person your entire life, I get that,
but having multiple people in and in relationships is just
so unsettling. It gives me such an unsettling feeling like
someone is always going to get their heart broken.
Speaker 6 (57:40):
So much work, yes, always, and there's one person who
has an option to leave. Well, it seems like there's
always one person who has an option to leave and
the other two people have to stay. And it's like, yeah,
how do you How do you relax when your third
could just walk out it anytime. I suppose your main could,
but still.
Speaker 1 (58:01):
But also the concept of comforting each other over the
loss of another lover to me is like, wait, what.
Speaker 4 (58:08):
Is it?
Speaker 5 (58:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (58:09):
Okay, anyway, Samantha Urbie, you're coming to my show in Detroit.
We're going to dinner first, you and your lover come.
We're gonna go to dinner. We're going to have had
some conversation. I'm very looking forward to hanging out with you.
Speaker 5 (58:22):
I can't we finally fucking met my.
Speaker 6 (58:25):
Queen me too. You did a show with Megan Steelestra
in Madison, and she's one of my closest friends. She
reads all my stuff and I couldn't go to the show,
but I felt like I was like, give Chelsea some
of my love and energy. Hopefully she did. Maybe she
(58:46):
kept it to herself. But you are everything.
Speaker 2 (58:49):
So I love you.
Speaker 6 (58:51):
You know that.
Speaker 5 (58:51):
Thank you so much. I love you.
Speaker 6 (58:53):
Thank you for having me. This was great. Bye, my gorgeouses.
Speaker 5 (59:00):
Fam.
Speaker 1 (59:03):
Okay, second shows have been added for those of you
coming to see my new stand up tour, which.
Speaker 2 (59:08):
You have to come because I'm having the best time.
Speaker 1 (59:10):
We added a second show Insto Cincinnati, Los Angeles, which
is actually October thirteenth. There are still tickets for October
thirteenth show in Los Angeles. We added second shows in Chicago,
the Chicago Theater, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco. They're both almost
completely sold out, Detroit, Michigan, and then we added a
second show in Cincinnati in the daytime at five o'clock PM.
Speaker 2 (59:31):
I'm doing my.
Speaker 1 (59:31):
First show because I don't have a night where I
can go back, so we added a second show at
five pm. And the original show is at eight PM.
Original show is sold out. Second show tickets are available Cincinnati.
I'm also coming to Cleveland on October twentieth, and then
I'll be in Columbus October twenty first and Pittsburgh October
twenty second. So those three shows I still have tickets available,
(59:55):
And you can go to Chelsea Hamler dot com for
other tickets and other information. And if you want to
buy some of our merch, that's all available on Chelseahandler
dot com.
Speaker 5 (01:00:03):
And yeah, guys, I'll see you on the road.
Speaker 4 (01:00:07):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com
Hi guys, Hi everybody, It's Thursday, Thursday. Today's Thursday. That
means it is October twelfth. I'm performing at the Pantagious
tonight and tomorrow night, and I am coming to the
Arizona Financial Center on Saturday.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
This Saturday night. You guys can still get tickets for.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
That Arizona Financial Center in Phoenix.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And then next weekend.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
I have Cleveland, Ohio October twentieth, Columbus, Ohio October twenty first,
and then Pittsburgh October twenty second at the Hines Theater,
so please get tickets for that in those areas.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
This week has.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Been a very difficult week because of all the violence
and terrorism going on in Israel and how complicated that
situation is.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
So yeah, a lot of mixed emotions.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I don't think we'll get into it here, but I
think that it is important to be as educated as
you can and to understand that Hamas is a terrorist
organization that does not represent most Palestine, just like MAGA
right wing nuts don't represent most of Americans, just like
jihattists don't represent most Islamicists. And to remember that there's
(01:11):
really no room to say this is justified. I understand
how complicated the history of that region is, and that
Israeli government is not innocent in the oppression of the Palestinians,
and the Palestinians their governments have not been innocent as well.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
So it is a two way street.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
And it really would be wonderful if we could have
peace somewhere in this world.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
I mean, it is such a complex situation. I wonder.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
It always leaves me wondering, like what can we do?
And I wonder if there's some like human rights organizations
we can help.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Yeah, there is a human rights organization you can donate
to my friend Shelley. They're helping people on the ground,
and not just Israelis. They're helping any Palestinians who have
been since there is a blockade in Glaza. Israeli isn't
letting anyone go into Gaza. But there is an organization
that is helping anyone, anyone whether they are Israeli or
Palestinian it is on the ground that needs help. It's
(02:01):
called at Global empower Mint Mission, Global Empowerment Mission, and.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
They're giving aid to everybody. They're already in there.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
I put it on my Instagram page and you can
follow Mindful Skater Girl also, and she gives information on
that as well.
Speaker 4 (02:18):
I'll make sure to put a link to that in
the description as well, so if you want to donate,
you can go there and help out Chelsea. I do
have kind of a lovely response to our episode last
week with Ruby Warrington about not having kids.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
This comes from Deborah.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
She says, I am a seventy two year old woman
who recently lost the love of my life after forty
two years. Although he loved children, he respected my decision
not to have any of our own. Between us, we
have six nieces and nephews who have produced ten children.
I love all my great nieces and nephews and have
a really good time when I'm with them. They consider
me the fun aunt. I'm always open to whatever challenges
(02:57):
they present me with, and I've never regretted my descis
to not have kids. The wonder of children and their
curiosity of life is a joy that does not necessitate
being a mother or a grandmother. My husband and I
have followed you for many years and have always enjoyed
your comedy and insight.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Thank you, Deborah well Amen Shellem.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Yeah, I just love that. Thanks for writing in Deborah.
Thank you, Chelsea? Where have you been?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Right now?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I am living in my neighbor's house because my house
is still not done Jeeve, so I am this is
about eight months delayed, Chelsea.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Day promise right now.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Anyway, I like to focus on the positive things in life,
and that is that I have Bernie back in my arms.
She's looking fitter than ever. Here is a beautiful little baby.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Look at her.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Look she's lost weight. My Belle put her back in
tiptop shape. And she's so sweet. She's even sweeter than
when I left her. So I mean, I guess yeah.
My Moll's a really good influence. I mean she only
speaks Spanish, but that's fine because my Spanish has improved also,
that's true.
Speaker 5 (03:51):
Giving there we.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Go, fantastic.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
I have a question for you when you need to
have a laugh, who do you go.
Speaker 5 (03:57):
To a laugh?
Speaker 3 (03:59):
A laugh?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Myself? Fuck, I can't depend on anybody for that.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
No one else can be responsible for that.
Speaker 5 (04:06):
Nah, I don't know who I go to for a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
I don't think I go to anyone for specifically no.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
Or like Okay, if you do need to have laugh,
would you go book or would you go like comedy
special TV shows.
Speaker 5 (04:19):
No, I don't get that either.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I don't go I mean, I think there's a lot
of natural laughter in my life like that. I don't
have to seek that out. I go to people for
other things, you know, but not laughter. No, I'm supply
my own entertainment for myself. Yeah, yeah, can I have
a fucking blast with myself?
Speaker 5 (04:39):
I mean, nobody gets me like I do.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
You know, I do think that that's the perfect answer.
I think also, like when you can make yourself laugh,
I'm definitely somebody. Like if I'm doing like a post
on Instagram and I think it's funny, I'm like, I
don't care if anybody else thinks it's funny, Like I'm
cracking up about it for the next five minutes.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
I just love it.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I don't know a lot
of books that make me laugh.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
No, there are not a lot of funny books.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
I think that's why yours stand out because they're just ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Yeah, mine are really ridiculous. And David Sedaris will make
you laugh.
Speaker 5 (05:07):
That's a good author.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
And then there are you know, Sarah Silverman special made
me fucking laugh my ass off, and she's got a
new special that'll make you laugh. Yeah, no, I don't know.
So our guest today is somebody who I have. I'm
very excited to talk to you because I've read a
lot of her stuff. She's an essayist and the author
of METI We are never meeting in real life and wow, no,
(05:31):
thank you.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
Her new book is called Quietly Hostile.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
It came out in May, so please welcome humorist Samantha Irbie.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
Hello, Oh look who's there? Media scion Samantha Rbie.
Speaker 6 (05:49):
Oh my god, look at you guys. You look so beautiful.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Why do you have half of your face cut off?
How are we supposed to even recognize you?
Speaker 5 (05:58):
Fully? You have to flip it and reverse it, back
it up.
Speaker 6 (06:02):
Okay, here's the thing. My desk covered in garbage, and
I can't push.
Speaker 5 (06:11):
Die down and just pop your head up.
Speaker 6 (06:14):
So oh wait, here we go.
Speaker 5 (06:16):
Thank you ye of your full face? That's all. Hi,
Samantha Irbie, how are you? I am?
Speaker 6 (06:24):
My sweetheart? Okay, I know everybody comes on and it's
probably like Chelsea, I love you so much, but I
really do.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
They don't do that, and they don't.
Speaker 5 (06:39):
Okay, well then I forget.
Speaker 6 (06:40):
Let me be the fucking first and say that are
you there, vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Is the first audiobook
I ever listened to, and I count you among one
of the few people who I ate it possible to
(07:01):
like talk about your bullshit in a book that people
would buy and read, and it's funny and anyway, without you,
there's no me.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Well that's wonderful because I'm actually Samantha's birth mother, and
that's what this is podcast is all about.
Speaker 5 (07:21):
This is our twenty three in Me episode. And actually, Samantha,
you have a lot.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Of siblings that you're about to learn about too, So
I hope that you're in a good mood.
Speaker 6 (07:29):
Okay, I'm fine to meet them, as long as you
tell me upfront that I'm your favorite.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Oh, you're my favorite, obviously. You know I'm not an
idiot about favorites. Who's whoever I'm talking to. I just
want to say that I became familiar with you by
I think it was an excerpt that they had printed
from one of your books in the La Times, and
I thought, oh wow, what a breath of fresh air.
And then right when I became familiar with you, everyone
in my world started bringing you up to me because
(07:58):
you have such a unique writing style and you're, I
would say, a humorist.
Speaker 5 (08:02):
Would you agree with that?
Speaker 6 (08:03):
Yes, it's a weird word.
Speaker 7 (08:07):
Right.
Speaker 6 (08:07):
It feels fancier than what it is I think I do.
Speaker 5 (08:11):
Do you think essays is fancier than humorists?
Speaker 6 (08:15):
Essays is too fancy because like I feel like, you know,
David from or somebody is writing like essays. But if
you say comedian, people are people assume stand up and
I would never do stand up. I'm too sensitive. I
cannot have people walking in the door like primed to
(08:35):
call me a fabage before they even sit down. I
can't do that. So, yeah, humorist works. There's no good
word funny person.
Speaker 5 (08:47):
I know there really is.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
There's a language that has so many words that mean
the same fucking thing. You think they would be able
to come up with a new one or two to
describe very particular professions moods, you know, behaviors.
Speaker 6 (09:02):
Yeah, wait, what do you call yourself? Are you like actor?
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I don't, I mean, I just I can't. People call
me sometimes a writer a comedian essays two, I'm like essays,
that's not I don't know an essay if it hit
me in the fucking face. My writing is like basically
just learned out of every editor I've ever worked with.
I never had any formal training except for David Sad
and reading his books, and I just started once I
(09:27):
realized that you could do whatever the fuck you felt
like as a writer. Not that everyone is successful at
doing that, but you can do that.
Speaker 5 (09:35):
And the beautiful part about doing what.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
You want and how you would want to read is
that you're being honest and you have a real point
of view. And when you have a real point of view,
that's when you attract people. You know, That's when people
become well known, is because they are sharing something very
real to them. So I loved when I heard that advice,
like just be yourself and I think that that and
(10:00):
you're writing too, that this is the way that you
look at things in a very authentic way and see things.
Speaker 6 (10:06):
Yeah, I have had I'm with you on the no
formal training. That's another reason why when when people say essayist,
I'm like, I couldn't write a persuasive essay if you
wrote half of it for me, right, That's not really
what I do. But they call it essays because that's
easier than printed out blogs or whatever the fuck I
(10:30):
would call it a vlog.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
I'm gonna speak for you right now, and I know
that you would call it a vlog.
Speaker 6 (10:35):
Yes I would. I'm glad and maybe this is me
just trying to put lipstick on a pig, but I
am glad that I don't have any MFA professor voice
in my head telling me that I suck, telling me
that the form is wrong, telling me that it's bullshit.
(10:55):
Like people ask for writing advice and it's like impossible
to give. But what I I always say is write
what you want right because your editor's gonna fix it
and fuck around with it and change it. The publisher
is gonna have something to say. So if you start
out writing what you want, eventually it'll feel natural and
(11:20):
most of you will come through on the page. I'm
at the point now where they don't really change mind,
Like they fix the errors, but it's never like this
story needs a little more piss, you know what I mean.
They leave me alone, and I feel very lucky. But
I really do just like write whatever the fuck I want,
(11:40):
how I want, and I don't even have to convince
them that people will buy it, which is amazing. At
this point it took a few boots and now they're like, Oh,
you're gonna write about this porn you watched. Okay, people
hope we'll buy that. Well.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
And I think that's something that you sam are so
good at, is inserting your personality into stuff. I was
reading just like a little listical. I think it was
on the strategist of like stuff that you bought recently.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
And it's so funny. It was one of my favorite things.
Speaker 5 (12:13):
I've read recently.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
I was like, this sound machine sounds like something I
should buy.
Speaker 6 (12:18):
Okay, you should.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
It's very cheap sound. I mean, I have to listen
to sound every night. I'm like a baby me too.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I need a fan a rainstorm, and I need to
hear my dog within like six feet.
Speaker 5 (12:32):
Does your dog sleep in the bed when I trap her?
Fucking ass?
Speaker 1 (12:36):
She does when I trap her and pull away the
doggy steps and she has no retreat.
Speaker 6 (12:40):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
But I also just started this is a little bit
more sishy, but somebody sent me a rose Quartz eyeshade.
Speaker 5 (12:47):
I always wear eye.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Shades because I have to be in the dark, and
sometimes I end up just putting a T shirt over
my head, like a condom because I can't find my
eye shade because I'm too stone at the end of
the night, which has been an ongoing saga quite frankly,
and I wish somebody would be able to I can
nip it in the bud for me. AnyWho, I wore
this quartz eyeshit, and I got to tell you, like,
my face felt so good and it stayed on all night.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
It's quartz.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Yeah, it's rose Quartz. I mean it's from some brand
that I never plugged that I'm loving.
Speaker 6 (13:13):
So look at that's incredible. I'm gonna have to do
that because I too am a late night stonar. Oh
my god, Like, nothing is better.
Speaker 5 (13:24):
Where do you live, Samantha. Are you in New York
or La?
Speaker 6 (13:27):
No, I am in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
That's very suspect.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
I am a child of the Midwest. Well, I'm from
just north of Chicago, which is better than Keith Listen.
Speaker 5 (13:45):
I just had two shows in Kalamazoo a couple of
months ago.
Speaker 6 (13:48):
Oh bitch, we couldn't go because they sold out.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Oh you should have contacted me. I would have totally
gotten you hooked up. That would have been Oh they
sold out. The same thing to say, there's always a way.
Speaker 6 (14:00):
I don't have that kind of nerve. Now that we've
met and i'm seeing you face to face, I'm gonna
message you about everything. But then what if you were like, bitch, no,
who are you? I would have dropped dead.
Speaker 5 (14:16):
No, I don't do that.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
I do I help strangers that I don't know if
they're looking for tickets. I mean, I don't help them
by giving them because word got out about that, but
I direct that to my fucking website.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
Oh you know where, I'm coming to, Detroit. That's not
far from health.
Speaker 6 (14:28):
Ce you in Detroit.
Speaker 5 (14:29):
Oh yeah, okay, we'll hook her up with Detroit tickets.
That's perfect.
Speaker 6 (14:33):
I'll come see you. It'll be great. But yeah, I'm
in Kalamazoo because my wife lived here and she has kids.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Well, your wife is still living there. Actually it's not
past tests and now you live there.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
So when we met, she lived here, and when we
decided to get married and live together, I had no
dog in the fight, you know, as the childless one,
I could not be like, well Chicago is better. You
know that doesn't fly. So now I live here. But
you know what, I'm getting used to it I like it.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
I think, what are the differences that you've noticed, or
like the things in the beginning that you thought were
a little bit shocking but that you've since warmed up to.
Speaker 6 (15:14):
Okay, well this donna sound fucked up if I say
I've warmed up to it. But there's not a lot
of ethnic food, lots of different kinds of people. But
if you want to get like Thai food or Ethiopian food,
you have to drive to another town that's probably forty
(15:35):
five minutes to an hour away at least. And like,
that was a you know, Chicago's a big food town,
and it was a big bummer to move here and
be like, Okay, we got like two nice restaurants we
can go to and a few others we can pick
stuff up from. But I'm used to it now and
it's fine, you know, Okay, it's fine. Well that's good.
(15:58):
There's no traffic.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
That's nice. Yeah, that is really nice. Because you've lived
in LA and New York, haven't you.
Speaker 6 (16:06):
I've lived in LA for a few months, never in
New York. I have to go there for work, But
I hate New York.
Speaker 5 (16:12):
Oh you do do you?
Speaker 6 (16:14):
What do you?
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Because do you have you have OCD. Yeah, yes, does
that play into your hatred of New York.
Speaker 6 (16:20):
Well a little because it's so filthy. It's just so.
I stepped in a bag of vomit in the middle
of Lexington. It was like ten years ago, and I
can still feel my toe.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
I can feel what you're describing.
Speaker 6 (16:45):
And I was like, this, fuck, I hate this fucking town.
Every time I'm there, something in I'd see something insane
that's totally normal to everyone who's there, and I'm like,
how do you get used to this? No ty food,
I can get used to act. The vomit in the street.
Speaker 5 (17:04):
You can't get used to.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
There is a feculence that is roaming. And this is
in San Francisco too, because I visit my sister quite
often and I am alarmed by what goes on in
San Francisco. It's just defecation on the streets. You just
walk by piles of human shit. And I remember the
first time someone pointed it out to me and I
was like, how do you know that's human shit? They're like, Chelsea,
you could tell the difference. I was like, since when
(17:28):
I haven't been charatering human shit to know that I
there was a difference between dog shit and human shit.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
What is the difference and apparently there is a big one.
Oh God, talk to me a little.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Bit more about your OCD and how that works with
being such a successful writer.
Speaker 6 (17:46):
The OCD I was diagnosed like nine or ten months ago,
because I, Oh, forgive me for how this sounds, but
just work with me. I I kind of leaned into
the pandemic. I was like, Oh, this isn't bad. I
had a book come out in March of twenty twenty.
I didn't have to tour. They just delivered cases of
(18:10):
books to my house and people ordered them and I
personalized them and sent them out and it was great.
I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to
go anywhere. And then like a year into it, I
was like, oh, I'm actually like losing my mind. And
then when things opened up and we could go places,
(18:31):
I found that I was terrified of everyone. And that's
not me right, Like I'm not I'm a friendly person.
I'm fine out in public, but I was super hyper vigilant.
I thought someone was gonna attack me, or someone was
going to run me off the road. So I got
a psychiatrist and just told her about myself and at
(18:52):
the end she was like, I know you think you
have bad anxiety and depression, and you do have anxiety,
but your biggest problem is that you have OCD. And
I was like, whoa, So the way mine manifests. I
don't have a lot of ooh, I forget what they're called,
but you know, like the people who scrub their hands
(19:13):
and check, I don't have a lot of those. I
have a few bad ones, like I can't touch money,
like physical money.
Speaker 5 (19:24):
Oh good, there's none left anyway solved. I mean you
just have to use credit cards.
Speaker 6 (19:30):
Yeah. As a kid, though, it was like if you
tried to hand me a bunch of loose change, I
couldn't touch selling.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
I wouldn't wash my hands after that, and I don't
wash my hands after after a lot.
Speaker 5 (19:42):
I'll be honest.
Speaker 6 (19:43):
You know what. The most horrifying thing on earth to
me is to see someone like pay for something with
real money and then put their hands on food and
eat that food and may, oh my god, I.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Will That's very prevalent in New York City because of
all this dance and the like taco stance or no
taco stance in New York.
Speaker 5 (20:03):
City, but straight food, whatever they're called.
Speaker 6 (20:07):
I wish, I wish it could be me, but it
will never know.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
I know, I know, I kind of there is something
when you look at a man that does that casually,
like you're kind of like, oh, do you not get germs?
Speaker 5 (20:17):
I guess you don't, Yes, right.
Speaker 6 (20:20):
I wish I could feel so free. So that's my
only like, oh, it's contamination, that's my only contamination OCD thing.
But what I do or my OCD sort of manifests
in hypervigilance, which is exhausting, right to think all the
(20:40):
time that I need to be prepared in case someone
hits me. I have never been struck by a stranger
in public. I don't know where this fucking fear fucking
came from. I think being inside all the time I
was just like everybody out there is terrifying. And my
(21:00):
psychiatrist is like, yeah, I think a lot of this
stuff was dormant or pretty far under the surface. And
then being alone with your own thoughts for two years
fucked you up. And I ruminate a lot where I
just can't let go of a faux pas I've made,
(21:23):
or even better worse is if I think I did
something but don't have confirmation. Like if you got up
and left right now and just ended the zoom, I
would never stop thinking about what I could have possibly
done to make you mad. Now you probably.
Speaker 7 (21:45):
Just or.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Walkout.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Is really funny because that would be something you must
have done, like silent, what would.
Speaker 5 (21:54):
Require me to leave my own recording just like.
Speaker 6 (21:59):
Fuck this bye, I made a mistake. I would never
stop thinking about it. So it's that kind of fixation
on either what I've done wrong or what I could
do wrong, or a way I could embarrass myself. I
spend a lot of time just thinking over and over
and over about ways I might embarrass myself in a
(22:22):
failing effort, because you can't talk yourself out of being
humiliating to not commit that error. So I just you know,
if I have an event, I'm like, oh my god, Okay,
don't fall off the stage, know who you're talking to,
don't look at anyone directly and make them feel weird,
you know what I mean. It's like that kind of
(22:43):
thing for weeks. Then the event happens and I do
all that shit any way and like feel super crazy
about it. Long story long, I'm on three hundred milligrams
of zola.
Speaker 5 (23:00):
And does that help?
Speaker 6 (23:01):
I think so it doesn't. I had an appointment with
my psychiatrist yesterday where I was like, she was like,
how are you doing on the meds? And I was like,
you know, I take them, but I still have like thoughts.
She's just like, that's not a problem. And I was like,
but honestly, I would love it if the medication could
(23:24):
wipe some of the thinking out. And she's like, I'm
not going to prescribe anything to you that does that.
Speaker 5 (23:31):
And I was like, well, well, Samantha, you came to
the right place.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
I was like, I'm just going to keep smoking tons
of weed then, and she's like, well, fine, whatever, just
take your pills.
Speaker 5 (23:42):
Yeah, as long as you can mix the two. It's
when you can't.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
I mean usually that those types of meds are they
don't go well with alcohol, so weat is good for
that for.
Speaker 6 (23:50):
Yeah, I can't drink, so now I just have a
million edibles on me at all times.
Speaker 5 (23:57):
So now talk to me about being a step mother.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
What is how is that working for you and what
do you think you're I'd like to hear what you
think your strongest asset in that department is.
Speaker 6 (24:11):
Don't make me lie on your podcast. I don't have
any good.
Speaker 5 (24:15):
Yeah some parents, I of course, yeah say it.
Speaker 6 (24:19):
No, I'm pretty good at it. Okay. So the kids
are now fifteen and seventeen. They were five and seven
when I met them ten years it's so first of all,
let no one ever talks about how like watching a
child grow up ages you, Like, I don't feel old
(24:41):
until I think about knowing them in kindergarten and like
now the one is like driving a car and has
a job, and I'm like, what the fuck? How have
ten years gone by? I do what I call like
adjacent parenting, which they have a mom and a dad.
(25:03):
So those people are gonna do the vaccines and you know,
set the broken arms, do the soccer signups. I don't
have to do any of that shit. I just get
to do the cool shit, which is talk to them.
They both tell me everything about you know, who broke
up with who, and who we're kicking out of the
(25:25):
friend group and who posted what on snapchat. I live
for that. But you have to play it cool because
if you look too excited, though, stop telling you, Stop
telling you.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
I always look away when there's a question I'm asking
of one of my nieces or nephews. Where I need
the answer, I always look like, no, I'm not that
interested in the answer.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
That usually brings them in.
Speaker 6 (25:49):
That is the key to my step parenting is I
act like I have an interesting life, which I do,
and I tell them that my life is more interesting
than theirs. Like the thing about kids is for their parents.
I'll never forget this. One time when they were very little,
(26:09):
the older one came to me and was like, Hey,
do you want to watch me play? And I was
like no, I could watch TV, Like what sit and
watch you play? I was like does your mom do that?
And he's like yeah sometimes, And I was like, well,
go find her. I'm doing something. And I think, why
(26:34):
you let kids know that they're not the center of
your universe. They give you automatic respect that automatically elevates
you to being a little bit cooler than they might
have thought you were. So I just act like everything
I do is interesting and I don't look up from
my phone, you know, I just play it so cool.
(26:58):
And then like I'll hear them tell their friends when
they come over, like, oh yeah, it's okay, we can
hang out here. My stepmom's cool. And like, I'm not
that cool. I just am good.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
At ignoring being elusive.
Speaker 6 (27:13):
It's like you know the old dating books that were
like don't call them for three days. We do that
with these kids.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Yeah, totally too available is not what they're interested in.
Speaker 6 (27:26):
You look needy. You look needy. Mom at the dinner
table is like, how is school today, and they're like,
we didn't go to school. But then later when they're like, hey,
want to hear what happened in science and I'm like no,
they automatically start telling me, and then I'm.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Like yes, So do you have one of your works
that you're most proud of?
Speaker 6 (27:48):
Probably see there are some things in the New One
that I am proud to have in the world, mostly because,
like I wrote about my fail pilot, like trying to
make a TV show on my first book, and that
felt good to have in the world. So no one
will ask me about it again. You know, like people
(28:12):
see anything with TV and they're so excited because like
people fucking hate reading books, and so they're like, oh,
who whoa, whoa, whoa fuck your books. You're doing something
on television can't wait to watch And I'm like, well,
you could read it now and they're like, fuck that
can't wait to watch the show and there's gonna be
(28:33):
no show, so now they know, but I think maybe wow, No,
thank you is my proudest because it was the first
book of like my new boring Michigan housewife life and
it actually turned out well and it performed well, and
(28:55):
that made me, you know, not that like before I
was like cos playing as Carrie Bradshaw, like I had
some big, exciting life, but I was fucking more than
one person and going to shit in a big city.
And then I changed my life to live with a woman.
I don't have to fuck that often, which is great
(29:16):
because we're old and doing less. And I thought like, oh,
is do people want this? Or is this interesting? Well?
I have enough to put in a book and it worked,
which was a surprise to me. So that's maybe my
favorite child.
Speaker 5 (29:37):
It's nice to have a favorite.
Speaker 6 (29:39):
Yeah, yeah, the one because I'm never going to be
the peron because you know how people are, They're like, oh,
you wrote a bunch of books, which one should I read?
And I'm never going to be the person who's like
get all of them? Like, no, get the green one.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
That's what what do you think about the lack of
reading in this world. It's so upsetting to me. It
makes me read even more. Actually, because I have revenge reading,
I have to, like, you know, make up for I mean,
I read like four books at a time. I like
to go at it from like all different avenues. And
I like nonfiction, I like autobiographical, I like historical, and
I like fiction. So I like to mix it all
(30:15):
together because I got to tell you, the more you read,
the more clarity you have, and the fucking sharper you are.
And I don't know why people can't just put the
fucking phone down.
Speaker 6 (30:27):
I know, I know reading is the reason I can write,
right because I didn't get any formal writing training, but
as a kid, I was a voracious reader. I continued,
I still just I'm reading like three different books right now.
Speaker 5 (30:47):
What are you reading right now?
Speaker 6 (30:49):
Right now? I'm reading this book that's about to come
out called mave Fly. It's by a woman, horror by women.
It's my thing. I'm also reading this book called mother Thing.
I mostly read fiction. I can't read a lot of
essays because I feel like I start to imitate people's
(31:10):
voices and style, and I don't ever want anyone to
be like, m this bitch just trying to be me.
But horror is a big one for me because it's
so different from what I do and my brain I
do not see jump scares coming. I never figure out
who the killer is, so I'm like, put more of
(31:32):
those in my hand. The people not reading thing is
so distressing to me, not even as a writer, because like,
mostly I just care that people buy it. If they
don't read what's inside, what am I gonna do? Just
give me that sweet seventeen dollars, But it is I
(31:56):
feel like when like you never hear people talking about
books they've read, which is so depressing because that's one
of the great things about a book, is hearing like
what someone else.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Thought about exactly exactly, and even when you read a book,
Like I read a.
Speaker 5 (32:13):
Book and then I'm basically telling all my friends about
a book I'm reading.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
And I'm the only one talking about the book. It's
kind of and then you sound annoying. People are like,
we're not interested. I'm like, yeah, I guess not.
Speaker 6 (32:23):
I hate that. Well, we will exchange. I'll tell you
what I'm reading, you tell you what you're reading, and
will be the few people who read. But I don't
know if I mean, I know it's the phones, but
I feel like my own grandfather saying it's the phones.
But it's the phone, Why can't I mean, there's nothing
(32:45):
on my phone worth like boiling my eyeballs over. That's
like better than just taking a book and reading it.
And I think I have a really good imagination and
I love to be transported. I think that's another reason
for writing or for reading so much fiction. It just
(33:08):
makes me sad because like books are everywhere there. You
can get a book wherever, and it really is just
not to sound too cheesy, but a passport to another
place for however long you're in it.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
And I feel and you feel so much better after
you read something, or complete a book, or even read
a few chapters. You feel so much better when you
allot yourself that time than you do when you get
done looking at your phone. So like, I know, the
phone is unavoidable because we live in that kind of society,
but it is. You can put your phone away for
an hour a day, two hours a day and read
(33:47):
a book, and the way that fills you up is
really indescribable. And I have a hard time getting it
across because I think only other people who read books
know that there's a peaceful meditativeness that comes with leaping
into another world that you wouldn't ever have dreamt up
on your own.
Speaker 6 (34:01):
Most likely, Yes, yes, I read a couple months ago
when everyone else posted pictures of it on the Internet.
You never know who's actually reading the books they post.
But I read Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow, which is
that Gabrielle Zevin book about two video game designers and
(34:22):
their lifelong friendship. I am not interested in video games.
I didn't grow up in Los Angeles. I hate having friends, honestly,
I hate knowing people.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
It's so freeing to say that, oh.
Speaker 6 (34:42):
It's really the best. But like you read that, you're
taken into this world like they're at MIT. I couldn't
be a janitor at MIT, right, Like it just puts
you in a place you're never gonna be, and you
can like plung into someone else's experience. I wonder too,
(35:03):
if a lack of curiosity and a lack of empathy
are other reasons people don't read. Because I want to
know my you know, all of our lives are so
small in the greater context. It's just me living my
little life over here. If I can experience someone else's
(35:24):
life by just picking up a book, I'm going to
do that. And I feel like there are more people
than not who don't have that curiosity, who don't want
to learn about other people who don't. And I read
things too that I'm trying to find community with this person,
(35:45):
you know, I feel like this is someone I could know,
or this person's story. I was never homeless in this way.
I don't know where Appalachia is. I'm going to read
about this homeless Appalachian. But I feel like the people
who do that are few and far between, not to
(36:05):
make us all exceptional, even though we are.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
There is a lack of curiosity.
Speaker 6 (36:10):
No one cares about any anything but themselves.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Yeah, very self absorbed society, and I'm very I wonder
if the lack of curiosity came before social media or
as a result of social media.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
I guess both.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I guess because you get drawn into something it's so
mindless and thoughtless, right, and then you get to live
a life through someone else's leans. Instead of being in
charge of what you're going to be putting in your brain,
you're looking at other people what they're doing, and then
that creates a whole list of ickiness too. I mean,
it just doesn't ever feel good to spend hours on
(36:45):
your phone at a time, like it's so hiky. So
I'm glad we're on the same page on that. We're
gonna have to take a quick break and we're gonna
come back. Okay, Okay, are you stable?
Speaker 6 (36:55):
Okay, okay, yes, we're back.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
We're back. We're back.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
That's my new favorite term to describe someone that I
won't hang out with is they're unstable. That's what I
say now to my friends. I go, I don't find
them stable, and my friends are like, what does that mean?
I go, just not stable enough for me to hang
out with. I don't want a hot mess I'm not
in the mood for that. I'm there if there's an emergency,
but I don't need hot messness dot com as a
through line.
Speaker 6 (37:24):
Right, We're past it, no hot messiness.
Speaker 5 (37:27):
I've outgrown it.
Speaker 6 (37:28):
Uh Uh, it's like it's Tuesday. I don't need any bullshit.
Speaker 5 (37:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
I saw this woman yesterday who I kind of know,
not really, but you know, no, because we're both public people,
and she came up to me.
Speaker 5 (37:39):
She's like, I've got to talk to you. I'm just
going through it. I'm going through it.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
I'm like, oh god, you know. And I was interested
in the beginning, and then as she went on and
on and on and on and on, I was like,
Oh no, this isn't something that's happening to you now.
This is something that's been happening to you for a
long time, and like you need help beyond anything I
can say to you, Like she said, no, this person,
this person, and she's blaming everything and everybody, and I'm like,
(38:03):
you need a therapist.
Speaker 5 (38:04):
It's not everybody's fault that you're in this situation. It's
your fault.
Speaker 1 (38:07):
But of course, you know, people sometimes come up to
me and ask me these questions, and I always am
like at the outset, I'm like, oh yeah, let me.
And then once you hear the story, you're like, oh no, no,
you're you have a situation and I don't want any
part of it.
Speaker 5 (38:19):
Please leave me alone.
Speaker 6 (38:20):
I'm gonna seal that Oh no, no, no, you have
a situation.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Sounds like you're in a pick You're gonna need to
take that pickle and find out where to put it.
Speaker 6 (38:30):
Not me, Yes, Yeah, no free therapy, especially not on
the street when you weren't expecting it.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
I don't mind that, honestly, if somebody, if I can
help somebody, I'm not like that.
Speaker 5 (38:40):
I don't care.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
If I'm not if I'm not in the mood off icking,
tell them like Rondez pal like, don't come.
Speaker 6 (38:45):
Up to me.
Speaker 5 (38:46):
But if I am, I'm totally down.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
I always want to help somebody or leave somebody with
a little pep in their step if I can. I mean,
it doesn't happen that often. It's not like I'm going
to the airport or late in the field questions.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
I just forced her to come here once a week
and do it on.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Sometimes five times a week. Yeah, we've been working a
lot lately.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
Well, let's jump right to a caller first. Our first
color is Drew. He is twenty six and I know, Sam,
you have some wisdom about being in your twenties. Try
to sleep through it, Dear Chelsea Catherine an esteemed podcast team.
I'm a twenty six year old gay male struggling to
(39:24):
put it all together. I come from a shitty childhood
full of alcoholism, affairs, divorce, abandonment, and estrangement. My views
on love and relationships I feel will forever be distorted.
I feel like relationships are only good for the two
people in the relationship, and everyone else gets hurt around them.
See how crazy that is. My father picked his side
(39:44):
piece and left. My mother picked a boyfriend and cut
us off. My friends are now starting to pick their
partners and disappearing off into the domesticated abyss. I just
don't get it all. I take medication for anxiety and
depression and have worked with a therapist for the last
two years. I find happiness and joy in my thriving career,
good times with friends, but that seems to be all.
(40:06):
I struggle with dating on one hand, thank God, On
the other, it sucks. This idea of the fairy tale
romance makes me gag because I've seen the ugly side
of it all. It's just not real. I hate that
I'm this way, and truly would love for Prince Charming
to come scoop me up and fix all my problems.
But again, I know that's not real. I yearn for
my thirties and hopes that it will all make more sense.
(40:27):
My twenties have been brutal, but so were my tens.
Speaker 5 (40:30):
Lol.
Speaker 4 (40:31):
What would you say to your twenty six year old self?
And when does it start to get better?
Speaker 3 (40:36):
XO Drew?
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Hi Drew, Hi, Hi ho hard.
Speaker 5 (40:40):
Look how you lit up right away? I was like, oh,
you're so cute, Hi Drew.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
This is our special guest, Samantha Irvey Fame Hi Drew, Yes.
Speaker 7 (40:50):
Hi Smith Irby, how are you, babe.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Good famed writer and anti socialist?
Speaker 8 (40:57):
Fuck yes?
Speaker 5 (40:59):
True?
Speaker 1 (41:00):
Okay, you have a very bad attitude, my friend, and
a very victim.
Speaker 7 (41:04):
I do, I do?
Speaker 1 (41:05):
You're playing a victim so quickly. I'm going to jump
in for Samantha. The patterns of behavior that were created
as a child, your mother, your dad leaving, it's very
obvious that that's the imprint. So you think when someone's
in a relationship they leave you. You're adult friends, You're
an adult now.
Speaker 5 (41:21):
You're not a little kid anymore.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
So like your adult friends when they're getting married, the
relationship isn't over. You can actively pursue to be friends
with a couple when they're married, even when they have children,
if you so desire. But these people are not abandoning
you when people get married, and so you have to
really do some work on yourself to get yourself out
of life, like make a shift mentally and emotionally to
understand that that happens to you as a little kid,
(41:44):
but now as an adult, you have the power to
remain in these friendships and relationships, and relationships don't represent
that they're only good for two people. That's your attitude.
You got to have a great attitude. Relationships are beautiful,
you know, there's maybe not a fairy tale ending for
every single person, but there's a lot of love to
be found. And to lower your expectations so that you're
(42:06):
not looking for the most perfect thing to come at.
Speaker 5 (42:09):
You, you know. But moreover, like do you see a therapist?
Speaker 7 (42:14):
Yeah? Yeah, I have for the last two years.
Speaker 8 (42:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Yeah, Well you want to dig in deep to this, right,
I mean sure that you've started, right, what have you
learned so far about placing those kind of childhood expectations
on your adult self?
Speaker 7 (42:25):
Right now? We're really working on like un learning a
lot of behaviors. I'm learning a lot of patterns. I'm
kind of going through like a situation right now with
a friend where like they have just fallen in love
with someone and just really kind of regressed and I've
you know, been very intentional about like letting that happen
and keeping the peace and trying to be just as
positive and supportive as possible, because I have been burned
in the past, and I do know that there is
(42:47):
a pattern of history here and there is a repeating
rhythm and that does need to change. So I'm yeah,
we're we're working pretty she's my best seet. We're working
pretty hard. Right.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
That's awesome, that's awesome, You're already working on it. It's
just a matter of it, like taking hold in your
life and to start to be joyful for people instead
of feeling like something's being taken away. Because when you
can appreciate the stuff that you do have in your life,
there's a sense of abundance. And this is like spiritual talk,
but it's fucking true, Like I live it, and I
have so many friends that live it. When you start
(43:17):
to appreciate the things you have, more things start to
show up. When you're bemoaning what you don't have, the
things you have slip away. So you always want to
be like you want to get up every morning and
whether it's saying mantras into the fucking mirror and to
writing down I'm happy, and I want to spread love
and joy and you say that into the mirror twenty
times a day, or if you want to meditate or
(43:37):
do a guided meditation, get yourself up on the right
foot every fucking morning so that you are starting off
in like a positive path and that you're going to
light up people around you. That's your goal, you know,
and eventually that won't seem annoying, it will seem natural.
You have to trick yourself into getting into a more
positive Headspace's absolutely, Samantha.
Speaker 6 (43:58):
What would you like to say, Well, I'm going to
take all of your advice because that was really good
getting up and saying a mantra. It was a word.
But I am going to say if you fail at
what Chelsea said, which I often do, you could lean
(44:19):
into just being a hater with a good career, right,
like you said, you like your job, right, you can
just be like fuck, friends, I just I'm great at
my career. Look at me making money. I'm doing what
I want. Yeah, I don't have to buy wedding gifts
for a bitch I don't talk to anymore.
Speaker 7 (44:40):
So then you're off the hooksguage girl.
Speaker 6 (44:44):
No, but you have to try Chelsea's way first by
the mantra.
Speaker 5 (44:49):
Do you like her advice more than that? No, that's
what's great about being a person. You can.
Speaker 6 (44:55):
I'm going to try it too, because I want to
spread love and joy. I like that's my the thing.
I love making people laugh. But there is a something
rotten deep inside get rid of and in case that
happens to you, you can just become the rot and
just like a right.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
You know, our rotten sides are just our shadow selves.
Everyone has a rotten side. You're not the only people
with it.
Speaker 5 (45:21):
I've got it. You've got it. Where we have those mean.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
Thoughts or we have you know, where we're not happy
for others, or we wish something bad would happen to
somebody to put them in their place. That's natural, but
it depends do you want to ride that or do
you want to ride the positivity and be on the
flip side of that, because that's going to yield much
better results.
Speaker 5 (45:42):
I hate everyone too.
Speaker 1 (45:44):
But I work very hard to not hate everybody so much,
because nobody deserves to be here, you know what I mean?
Speaker 7 (45:53):
Yeah? Yeah, And like that's fore I'm kind of at
this place where, like I think and I'm twenty six, right,
so I'm still a very baby adult. But like if
you have asked me twenty one, that whole like cutthroat
career girl who's out for only hers like that was
very I identified a lot with that. I really leaned
into that. I was like, well, obviously this is how
my this is the path for me right here. And
as I like get older, I just kind of like, damn,
(46:16):
so yeah, I mean, obviously I'm aware that that is
not who I want to be, right and I think
making the steps that kind of reverse that is where
I need to be focusing.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
Yeah, And also, you can have your days where you
don't want to deal with people, or a week if
you don't.
Speaker 5 (46:30):
I mean, listen, I do it all the time.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
I'm a recluse when I'm on tour and I come home,
I can't be bothered or to socialize. Everyone's annoying me
that kind of thing, right, But there's a time and
a place for that. And then when you're putting yourself
out into the world, you know, there's nothing negative that's
going to come from being positive and kind of you know,
and it becomes infectious. Also, it's like a contagion and
so it's don't think about it as yourself, think about
(46:53):
it as like spreading good vibes around because the world is, like,
you know, a difficult and ugly place for a lot
of people people, so you're not alone and having those
dark thoughts.
Speaker 5 (47:02):
That's that's part of who we all are.
Speaker 4 (47:04):
Yeah, one thing that's helped me as sort of a
stepping stone on that way, Like you might not be
able to go from like having this messy experience of
like seeing your parents be super chaotic to like, I believe.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
In love and Prince Charming is out there.
Speaker 4 (47:17):
But a nice stepping stone for me was learning to
be curious and saying, what if that person is out
there who will like me for me and treat me
really well? What if that is out there for me,
for my friends, and just sort of asking yourself when
you have those cynical thoughts of like it doesn't exist,
it's not real, what if it is?
Speaker 3 (47:37):
Like what if it could be?
Speaker 6 (47:39):
Right?
Speaker 7 (47:39):
And I'm really trying to focus on unlearning the idea
in my head that like to need someone, to want someone,
to yearn someone is a weakness because that's very much like, yeah,
and I really need to you know, get the reverse
button on that.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
Yeah, well you know what you need to do, so
I think you're on your way. Best of luck to you.
Thanks for calling ineous afternoon. I hope he gets out
of that fucking office that he was sitting in and
that looked like diarrhea or the mom that Samantha stepped
in a bunch of times, which is she's never returned
(48:15):
to New York City since then.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
I wouldn't either.
Speaker 4 (48:19):
Our next caller is Fredo. Dear Chelsea. My name is
Fredo and I'm a forty three year old polyamorous gay
man from Puerto Rico currently living in Pennsylvania with my
now husband. We've been together for seven years and have
been married for four months. We were also in a
very loving and committed threatble for close to two years. Sadly,
our third wasn't ready to receive all the love, attention
(48:40):
and responsibility and ended the threat ball nine months ago.
We were devastated. The love we both developed for this
man was very powerful and it still is. We're still recuperating.
At the same time, I wouldn't change the time we
shared together. I'm currently in therapy and I started meditating
in the mornings even hopping on treadmill at four thirty am.
(49:01):
I studied literature in college, so as part of my
self discovery, I decided to write about our love story.
So many good moments, many intents, and some very sad.
The problem lies in the fact that I'm a very
emotional guy, so recounting events can be tricky for me.
I don't deny that after a writing session it takes
a bit of time for all the feelings to settle
back again. Maybe too long. Since I've started writing, I
(49:26):
haven't felt the support from my husband about this new
creative work. He doesn't take it seriously. As a writer yourself,
what is your take on this situation. I want to
keep writing and get my story out, but at the
same time I want to be present and happy for
my husband and not let the feelings take over to
the point that it affects him. Thank you, Love you, Attasha.
Is a picture of me and my husband and he's
(49:46):
here with us as well.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
Hi, Well, Fredo, Fredo, Fredo, we're calling you Fredo. That's
quite a mouthful, will Fredo. No, wonder you want people
to call you Fredo?
Speaker 8 (49:56):
Yes? How you doing?
Speaker 5 (49:57):
Hi?
Speaker 1 (49:58):
Our special guest is Samantha Irby, So you're in line.
Speaker 6 (50:02):
Hello, Hello, Okay, can I say something As a person
who writes about herself and has written four books that
involve other people a couple of things. They make a
lawyer read my manuscript before they published it, And every
time the lawyer says, you own everything that's happened to you,
(50:27):
but you don't own everything that's happened to other people,
and you have to get their consent, or at least
make sure they're not going to sue you for writing
about them. So that's my first piece of advice, and
number two is about the emotions of it all. If
(50:48):
it's that upsetting to write about, you should wait until
it's not upsetting. Because when you put work out into
the world, I don't put any think in a book
that I wouldn't be okay with being on the news
because once your work is out there, people are just
gonna talk to you about it all the time, and
(51:10):
you can't break down. You can't have a breakdown every
time someone wants to talk to you. So if maybe
that's a sign that you're not quite ready to be
putting this to paper makes sense.
Speaker 9 (51:26):
Actually, my my therapist suggested something like that too.
Speaker 1 (51:31):
Oh well, look at that, Samantha Irby with a clutch advice.
Speaker 5 (51:35):
Look at that very.
Speaker 6 (51:38):
I'm gonna go to therapy school, thank you, Fred.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
Or you could just start a podcast. That sounds pretty
fucking right on. I have to say, I mean, truer
words have never been spoken well. And of course, listen,
if you do want to write about somebody that doesn't
want to be written about, there are ways around that too.
Speaker 5 (51:55):
You can fiction live that character as.
Speaker 1 (51:57):
All editors names, change names so that they're not recognizable,
change their jobs, locations, blah blah blah, all of that.
But I do feel like you're doing a bit of
journaling right now, more so than writing right That's what
it feels like like you're It's a bit cathartic for you.
Speaker 8 (52:12):
Yeah, yeah, at this moment.
Speaker 9 (52:15):
It's actually taking shape at this moment, so it was
a little all over the place. It's kind of growing
and getting into turning into something more concrete, and I
really want to put it out there.
Speaker 8 (52:25):
I have to say that the experience of being in
a THROPO.
Speaker 9 (52:29):
For me, I have never been in that type of relationship,
and it really changed a lot of the perspective of
how we see things. It's so intense, you know, for
the good parts and the bad ones too.
Speaker 8 (52:42):
There's you know, three set of minds together. And I
have to say that I wouldn't go.
Speaker 9 (52:50):
Back after that part of the heart is kind of
open up to another person. I really cannot. And it's
not not to say that I don't love my husband
like with all my life. He's incredible, but that space,
it's there. So it's been already ten months, and it's
(53:10):
just difficult for me to sit down and write because
I know that he gets a little quiet, and after
I write it for a bit, then I get a
little quiet because a bunch of feelings come up. And
also I also have ADHD, so I'm a little scatterbrained.
So I would like to ask him some stuff, some
details about what happened.
Speaker 8 (53:33):
And I don't know how to enter that.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
You know what, it has been ten months, but your
emotions aren't wrapped up yet, right, You still.
Speaker 5 (53:41):
Have lingering feelings.
Speaker 1 (53:43):
So maybe it would be time to just take a
little break, like just to say I'm going to take
a month off of us doing this because you are
it's not like you're writing without infringing on his space
as well, because you're asking him to help you write,
so that's a little different. I think maybe you should
take a month off and when you come back, try
and do it on your own, and then you could
(54:04):
set a time deep in the future that you go
to him for the details that you're missing. You know,
don't make him part of your writing routine, because that's
not his desire, it's yours. So find a private area
to do that in And if you can do that
right away, then great. But if you can't, take some
time off and just give yourself a break, because that
sometimes when you're writing, I know, is a great reset.
(54:25):
Sometimes you're writing and you're writing and it's like it's
not right, this isn't working, this isn't making sense, this
isn't the kind of language I want to be using,
and you know, there's a reset time.
Speaker 8 (54:34):
Yeah, makes sense.
Speaker 9 (54:35):
My worry is that I would miss the intensity of
the details that I have myself, that I would forget
or you know, you.
Speaker 6 (54:43):
Can make notes, you could jot down notes, you could
use your notes app to remember things like that's.
Speaker 4 (54:50):
What I do.
Speaker 6 (54:51):
I text myself if there's something I want to remember.
I do want to ask because I think it might
help you. Is it possible for you to write outside
of your house? Can you take your laptop somewhere because
if your tents and do you know whatever emotions are
coming up for you, and then your partner is seething
(55:13):
in another room while you have your computer out, and
then you both have to decompress from that. If you
could maybe remove like show him that you are caring
for his feelings and remove yourself while you're writing, that
might help too.
Speaker 8 (55:31):
Oh yeah, I do have the time, and I could
go someplace else.
Speaker 9 (55:35):
But you know, sometimes just before bed, just randomly that
I would, you know, have to want to write something.
I put all my tablet and he already looks at
me and said, are you sure you're want to write
that right at this time of time at night?
Speaker 8 (55:46):
And I know, you know, I get it.
Speaker 1 (55:49):
Yeah, So I think just have a little bit more
respect for doing it privately, right m m.
Speaker 7 (55:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (55:54):
And you can jer to like, yeah, you can bombit
out all your thoughts in the next three weeks and
put them all and then take a break and be like, Okay,
I got all the details down. They don't have to
be in the perfect order or the perfect arrangement, you know,
it's good to just kind of vomit your thoughts out
when you're feeling this intensely about something, And.
Speaker 4 (56:11):
You might do some like physical reset stuff after you've
been writing, before you interact with your husband, Like say
it's during the day and he comes home from work.
You know, you can go for a walk, you can
take a shower, which will help reset your nervous system,
do some breathing exercises. But like giving yourself ten minutes
to just like put yourself in a different frame of
mind before you have an interaction with him might be
(56:32):
really helpful.
Speaker 9 (56:33):
Yeah, this podcast has been very, very helpful during this
couple months.
Speaker 8 (56:38):
So I feel like I'm home.
Speaker 2 (56:42):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
I love that, And thank you for calling in and
sharing with us. Take some of what we said to heart,
and you know, just change it up a little bit,
and I think you'll get a different result and then
your partner won't feel so depleted.
Speaker 8 (56:53):
Also, thank you, thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (56:55):
Thank you, Fraido.
Speaker 1 (56:57):
I well with Fredo was worth the way you girls?
Speaker 6 (57:03):
Yes, yeah, I love to.
Speaker 4 (57:05):
I know.
Speaker 6 (57:07):
I don't want him to fuck up his relationship though
with the writing.
Speaker 5 (57:11):
Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back.
Speaker 6 (57:17):
We're back.
Speaker 1 (57:18):
Whenever I hear about threupples, I'm like, I don't know
how people do it. It's just too much drama. There's
enough drama in one and one relationship. I understand not
staying with the same person your entire life, I get that,
but having multiple people in and in relationships is just
so unsettling. It gives me such an unsettling feeling like
someone is always going to get their heart broken.
Speaker 6 (57:40):
So much work, yes, always, and there's one person who
has an option to leave. Well, it seems like there's
always one person who has an option to leave and
the other two people have to stay. And it's like, yeah,
how do you How do you relax when your third
could just walk out it anytime. I suppose your main could,
but still.
Speaker 1 (58:01):
But also the concept of comforting each other over the
loss of another lover to me is like, wait, what.
Speaker 4 (58:08):
Is it?
Speaker 5 (58:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (58:09):
Okay, anyway, Samantha Urbie, you're coming to my show in Detroit.
We're going to dinner first, you and your lover come.
We're gonna go to dinner. We're going to have had
some conversation. I'm very looking forward to hanging out with you.
Speaker 5 (58:22):
I can't we finally fucking met my.
Speaker 6 (58:25):
Queen me too. You did a show with Megan Steelestra
in Madison, and she's one of my closest friends. She
reads all my stuff and I couldn't go to the show,
but I felt like I was like, give Chelsea some
of my love and energy. Hopefully she did. Maybe she
(58:46):
kept it to herself. But you are everything.
Speaker 2 (58:49):
So I love you.
Speaker 6 (58:51):
You know that.
Speaker 5 (58:51):
Thank you so much. I love you.
Speaker 6 (58:53):
Thank you for having me. This was great. Bye, my gorgeouses.
Speaker 5 (59:00):
Fam.
Speaker 1 (59:03):
Okay, second shows have been added for those of you
coming to see my new stand up tour, which.
Speaker 2 (59:08):
You have to come because I'm having the best time.
Speaker 1 (59:10):
We added a second show Insto Cincinnati, Los Angeles, which
is actually October thirteenth. There are still tickets for October
thirteenth show in Los Angeles. We added second shows in Chicago,
the Chicago Theater, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco. They're both almost
completely sold out, Detroit, Michigan, and then we added a
second show in Cincinnati in the daytime at five o'clock PM.
Speaker 2 (59:31):
I'm doing my.
Speaker 1 (59:31):
First show because I don't have a night where I
can go back, so we added a second show at
five pm. And the original show is at eight PM.
Original show is sold out. Second show tickets are available Cincinnati.
I'm also coming to Cleveland on October twentieth, and then
I'll be in Columbus October twenty first and Pittsburgh October
twenty second. So those three shows I still have tickets available,
(59:55):
And you can go to Chelsea Hamler dot com for
other tickets and other information. And if you want to
buy some of our merch, that's all available on Chelseahandler
dot com.
Speaker 5 (01:00:03):
And yeah, guys, I'll see you on the road.
Speaker 4 (01:00:07):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com
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