5 Signs the relationship is worth pursing Ep 20

5 Signs the relationship is worth pursing 

 

 

The reality is that we know. 

We know what relationships are worth taking and which relationships we need to walk away from. Being able to really pursue what’s worth it will help us stop wasting time in relationships. It will help us date in a healthy way. 

 

 

#selflove #relationships #dating 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So five signs that a relationship is worth pursuing. And
I think this is such a tough time to be
dating people. I think there are so many messes and
so many brokenness and so many things that people refuse
to pay attention to, or to align with, or to
understand it, to be even open with. And the reality
for a lot of us is that we don't actually
know what's real. And that's not your fault. I need
to be clear that sometimes we fall into these traps

(00:22):
thinking that the things that aren't working is because of us,
and it's because of the things that we do know
the places that we've fallen into, and it's not your fault. Yes,
there are things that we need to work on and
heal and grow through. Absolutely, but right now we're just
focused on the things that we are trying to actively
pursue and go into. And until we understand this, until
we're fully aware of the people that are valuing us

(00:44):
and actually pouring into us and not just giving us
this false illusion of it or stringing us along or
breadcrumbing us all these things, we will continue to pursue
people that will continue to hurt us. We'll continue to
go after people that match toxicity that we're used to
and not the healthiness that we deserve. We will continue
to try and put ourselves to be something that we
know we shouldn't be or be in, just in hopes

(01:07):
of them finally looking at us and say, well, okay,
you know what, I'm going to feed your delusion or
your hope or your desire, or I'm going to actually
lead you on to something that you shouldn't be in.
I'm going to hurt you so much more. Until we
are able to identify these things, will continue to be
in the wrong relationships. We won't find the marriage we desire,

(01:27):
we won't find the happiness we desire. We won't find
these things. And personally, I've messed up often right, And
there is no one that's perfect. Even as we listen
to people on social media all these things, they're not perfect.
They're broken people too, and they need to listen to
other people's advice themselves, myself included. But there is something
that through doing this, they're being so active with people,
through hearing people's stories that are conversations, the things that

(01:48):
we read and things that we experience and the things
that we learn, that it gives a different outlook on it,
and I've had conversations with so many people and I
hear the same thing over and over and oh for again.
That's why I put this together because I was like,
this is this is literally everyone is going through the
same thing. That's what it seems like. So we signs
that we are needing to be in a healthy relationship,

(02:09):
one intentional and clear. And I know that might sound dumb,
that might sound redundant to say, because you would think
that a relationship that you're in they're going to be intentional,
that they're going to be clear about what they want.
But most people aren't. Most of us have become used
to simply falling into a relationship. Like think about it.
The culture of dating nowadays has not We don't do
the things that we used to. We don't actually tell people,

(02:31):
we don't court people, we don't tell them, hey, I
desire a relationship with you and be very intentionally and
clear about it. We kind of just fall into these
things nowadays, and we don't actually have this conversation about
what I want in the relationship. And again I don't
mean like be weird right away and like meet this
person and be like, hey, I want to get married tomorrow.
I have fifteen kids, Like, that's not the point of this,
but being able to say, hey, what I desire out

(02:53):
of a relationship is marriage, What I desire out of
a relationship is a family. What I desire a relationship
is not a family. Whatever that is, whatever you desire.
You must be clear with these people because what's going
to happen is that they're going to either agree with
you and say, yes, this is what they want and
that's for our first step when you know that's healthy
and a good foundation, or they're going to tell you
that I don't want that, and then this is where

(03:14):
the decision comes. You have to decide, am I going
to pursue this and I'm going to put my heart
in a place to be hurt or to be vulnerable
with a person that does not desire the same things
that I want. They're not intentional about that, and sometimes
they have told you, they've straight up told you I
do not desire the things that you want. Now you
are putting yourself in a place to be hurt because
you think that you can change their mind. You think

(03:34):
that you can change what they desire, what they've experience
or their life because you think that more of you
will make them different. The reality is that you're just
breaking your own heart. It's hard to change your own mind,
let alone change someone else's. You're not coming from their
level of experience or past or history. You're looking at
it from your perspective. So being an intention of knowing
what you want in the relationship is huge. It's the

(03:55):
first step. We can't have a healthy relationship that grows
with anyone. And again, this is not even just romantic,
this is even friendship. If the friends are around you,
the people you have around you. If you're not intentional
about these things, then there's no actual growth, there's no
trajectory in these things. So being intentional and being clear,
now here's the thing. This is an important one. You
have to be clear with the relationship itself. Are they

(04:18):
actually dating you, are they interested in pursuing you? Or
are you just around in hopes and effort or delusion
of getting them there. We need to be clear with
the difference between attention and intention. Attention is simply feeding
parts of our nervous system that gives us dopamine dumps,
or are these things that make us feel happy for
a moment, but don't actually give us anything worth value.

(04:41):
It's not intentional. Intentional with saying I desire something with
you and I'm not waiting around for it to start
or to grow. I'm going to intentionally be in it.
You have to be absolutely clear that this person desires
what you desire, because at the end of the day,
you will never grow in a relationship that doesn't actually
align with you. That's just the reality of it. We

(05:03):
can't expect people to be intentional with us when we
were never clear with them. And at the end of
the day, you'll be able to value that so much
more because you can walk away or you can stay.
And if you know what you're gonna get hurt by
and you choose to stay, then at that point that
choice was yours. But if you know where you're gonna
get hurt by and you choose to walk away, then
the way you saved your heart was your action. Our

(05:25):
second point is you both support vision and this is huge.
I've been in relationships to myself where where the person
I was dating, I would tell them the things that
I was doing, or I would be happy about things
that I want to accomplish. And I'm just a general
I look for the good things, right, I look for
the silver lining, And this particular person would say things
like why are you always trying to be happy? Why

(05:47):
are you always looking for these things? You need to
understand that in this kind of relationship you will always
be at odds with the person. You'll never be able
to have an actual, clear vision and support a dream
or something you desire to with restraints of reality. Also, right,
because there's certain things I know. I will never play basketball,
like I'll never be in the NBA. Like I might
play fun, but the reality is that I don't have

(06:08):
the talent required for it. So a person you're dating
should tell you, hey, let's evaluate that, Let's look at
the things that that's there. I'm gonna support you no
matter what, but let's be realistic about the things that
we're supporting. There's a difference between telling you lovingly what
you should do and just shutting out your dreams completely.
So the person that you're dating, the person that you're
looking to marry, the person that you're looking for a

(06:29):
relationship that's worth pursuing, they have to value your vision
and support your vision, and vice versa. You should also
value their vision and support their vision, whatever that looks like.
It's not that you are enabling a terrible aspect of
their life or something that you know that's never gonna happen.
But you are loving them enough to support their vision,
and they're loving you enough to support yours, to help

(06:49):
you live a dream, to help you live the thing
that you want to live. Because again, this is life.
You're choosing a person to pursue that you are pursuing
life with. It's not just about, oh, we show up
at the house and we split the bills and we
watch TV together. That's not the point of a healthy relationship.
The person you're pursuing is gonna pursue not just your
heart but your dreams to They're going to sit there

(07:10):
and edify and help you and love you through it.
But unfortunately, we allow people to continue to just be
in our life without any effort of helping us or
pushing us or motivating us or being with us. If
you're with them just out of convenience of what they
look like or the time, you have to realize that
you're gonna hurt yourself in the long run. They have

(07:32):
to support your vision. You both have to support each
other's vision. You have to support the thing that you desire,
because again, this is a life worth living. A person
that you're with, a person you're pursuing your living life.
You're doing life together. It's not just about them being present,
it's about them being applied. One thing is that they're
sitting around taking up space. And another thing is that
they're pushing you to be the best version of you,

(07:54):
to support your dreams and your vision and your hopes
and your desires. If you're dating a person, it's gonna
sit here and just bash you and not allow you
to dream or to live, or to be the thing
that you want to be. You have to realize that
you're just gonna break your heart. You're gonna get to
a point in your life where you hate your life.
Because yes, maybe that first thing was there, Maybe their
intentions were clear. They wanted to be married to you,

(08:16):
but they didn't want anything more. There was no vision,
there was no support there were they weren't your support system.
They were just something that was living off of you.
Or third point, you have to choose each other over
the problem. And I think this is huge. I think
this also comes with intention and clarity, being able to
say I love you more than I love to win.
I love you more than the problem. I love you
more than the thing that's gonna come up and a rise.

(08:38):
Why Because when I choose somebody, when i'm picking the person,
it's not about the emotion. It's about the choice. I
choose you, and I'm gonna continue to choose you. But
sometimes we have people in our lives that magnify and
glorify problems. The problem is gonna be bigger than you
to them, or you're gonna be or the problems get
bigger to you. You're choosing the thing over them. We're

(08:59):
making this conscious choice. So a person that's worth pursuing
is always going to say, Okay, this is the problem,
but I don't pick the problem. I pick you. I
don't pick to choose to sit in a fight or
sit in a war and consistently make you feel bad
about a situation instead of us growing through it and
being there for each other. The reality is that a healthy,
sustainable relationship that's going to be the key. You're going

(09:20):
to be able to actually live through problems and choose
each other over them. Unfortunately, we live in a culture
where we think that running away in divorce and all
these things, we think that that's a solution. We choose
that over the problem itself. We're fixing the problem itself.
We choose to run away from a person. You need
to be very clear with the person you're with, what
are we aligned with? Are we choosing us over everything else?

(09:43):
And this one might be a little harder to discern, right,
because sometimes people will tell you things at face value,
they'll choose that. But as you pursue this person, as
you are in this relationship, I want you to be
aware of how they respond to problems, like how do
they respond to situations, not just with you, with other
people too, right, because how they respond with them is
going to be an indicator, an outlier of how they're

(10:03):
going to respond with you, whether whether boldly or softly,
it's still a part of it. Right, So how do
they respond to problems? Do they hide away? Do they
run away? Or do they choose to talk about it
and confront it and be aware of it. When I
choose you, I'm going to want to be there with you,
show you what's the problem, and fix it. Unfortunately, we
keep going back to things and letting them be the

(10:25):
end all be all. Do they run away from things.
Do they choose the easy way out opposed to actually
loving you enough to go through it with you. Yes,
sometimes there are different avoidant attachments and different type of personalities.
Yes we are aware of these things, but they also
play a factor into how much they trust you and
love you. When you're pursuing a person, you need to
see how they deal with problems. And that's going to

(10:48):
be a big one, because how do we deal with problem?
Sometimes we are the problem ourselves, right, we haven't been
able to healthily unpack. And maybe you shouldn't be dating
if you yourself can't address problems correctly, if you continue
to run, maybe there's things that you need to go
to therapy before and heal and work through. But if
you can't address problems correctly, and I don't mean so,
this is actually the offtion to this because this is
something I've faced myself. I've been in relationships where I

(11:11):
have to walk around like X shells. I can't express
my problem because the problem now becomes a problem. And
that's the hierny of it. You need to be aware
that a healthy relationship worth pursuing is not one where
you have to feel that you are afraid to discuss
your situation where you're afraid to say how you feel,
or you're afraid to tell the things why because you
think that or you know that they're going to fight

(11:32):
with you, you know that they're going to use that
against you, You know that your emotions are not safe
in that position. In that place, those relationships are not pursuing.
If you have to walk around x shehells for a
person to see a problem or not and not address
it and not make it about you or make it
bigger than it already is, then you have to realize
that not every relationship is worth being In the relationship

(11:54):
you're pursuing, you have to be able to say how
you feel and unpack these things without this being an issue. Now,
I'm not saying you're not going to argue, because arguments
are part of humanities human people. We have emotions and things,
and we lose control sometimes and we have arguments. But
when those arguments become another problem itself, when it becomes

(12:14):
a centerfold of everything else, then you have to ask
that question, am I actually happy in this? Can I
authentically say how I feel? Or do I have to
hide it? And if you have to hide it. You
have to realize that that's not a place that's healthy
for you. It's not going to shave you because you're
consistently running from a place that's supposed to feel like home.
If you have to hide how you feel, you have

(12:34):
to walk around eggshells around the person, then you need
to realize that that place is not a safe place
for you. A safe place for you will embrace your
emotions and yes maybe there'll be arguments. Yes maybe there'll
be some type of fights, but there will be an
invitation to heal those problems instead of hurt you more.
There'll be an invitation for something to flourish out of this,
opposed to you sitting here and soaking in it. Are

(12:57):
you comfortable sharing your problem with them, or you're choosing
them over the problem, or they choosing you over the problem,
or are they just magnifying the issue. Our first point
is you're not seeking to get, but to give. A
relationship worth pursuing is not a relationship where you benefit
from the person in terms of like monetary things, or

(13:18):
in terms of like how they how they just stroke
your ego, or things like. A good relationship worth pursuing
is a relationship where you feel that you want to give,
and again you do get from them because again all
these points that we talked about, they care about you,
they support your vision, they support your dream, all these things,
but the core of a relationship that you feel like
loving and everyone's love. The language is different, and I

(13:39):
understand that. But when we talk about giving is giving
of ourselves, giving of our time, giving of our value,
giving of our problems, giving up everything towards them. Right,
Because when you give, it's because you feel loved and
safe in something and you feel like you want to
pour into A relationship worth pursuing will make you want
to give. And again that's not every relationship, right. Yeah,

(14:01):
as me and my personal my love language is giving
this quality time, it's acts of service, all these things.
It's physically giving of myself. I can love a thousand
different people in a thousand different ways, but there's something
that comes with giving that is at a level of
sacrifice that you're willing to give up things that you
wouldn't normally give up for other people or other times,
just because you love them so dearly. A relationship worth

(14:23):
pursuing is going to pull that out of you. It's
going to make you feel like I just want to
give everything to you. It's not just like I'll give
a gift towards you or give you my time, but
like I want everything that I have to be a
part of you, and vice versa. Again, if it's worth pursuing,
then they themselves are giving you the same. And this
happens a lot because with situations where people are questioning

(14:46):
and they should pursue someone and they don't realize that
they're begging for attention, that they're begging to hang out,
that they're begging to see them, that they're begging to
be around them. That's not a relationship worth pursuing because
you're begging a person to do the simple things that
they should desire. A relationship that's good, that's that it's
actually worth pursuing. You are gonna pour into You're gonna
feel drawn towards, You're gonna actually want to give you

(15:06):
yourself fully. And so I ask yourself this question, do
I really feel like I just want to give everything
to this person? And not a delusion away. To be clear,
you're not sitting here saying I want to give everything
to them in hopes that they will love me. But rather,
I want to give everything to them because they love me.
I want to pour into them because I feel loved
and I feel valued, and I feel seeing not I'm
gonna give everything to them so that they will do

(15:28):
this thing. Is this relationship worth pursuing If you generally
feel like you're being pulled towards them, you feel like
they are just naturally gravitating towards you too, then it's
worth it. It's worth pursuing where you're gonna love. And finally,
our last point, the fifth one. It's probably the most
important one, but I left it for last just because

(15:50):
it's a lot there and it's your your foundation. Is
your foundation? Is there values in your belief system the same?
Like are you on these things? Are you're responding to
emotional highs? And this is a big one. And I
think we don't realize why divorce rates are so high
when we look at like religious religions, right, no matter
the religion, typically speaking, those have a higher chance of

(16:14):
not divorcings. They have something like a ninety two percent
success rate or something of that nature in the nineties.
And just think about that reality that it's not just
not divorce, because again, this is not just Christianity or
is or anything of that nature. It's just religion, period.
And in that aspect, you have to realize, what's the
foundation there? Why do they work? Why do those relationships stay,

(16:34):
why do they have longevity? Why are they so good?
Because they have a foundational base on what they believe.
There's no arguments in terms of belief because you both agree. Now,
are there situations or relationships where people have different forms
of belief that work, Yes, but they probably do everything
else really well. And that's an aspect of it. But
when you have a foundation of belief that you both

(16:54):
agree on, when you have something that you're both really
firm on, when you have something that's actually gravitating towards
each other instead of repelling you from one another, you're
going to have the most successful relationship. It's going to
be worth pursuing because you are now going to be
pulled towards each other on something deeper than just decisions
or emotions or friendships or circles. You have a belief
system that is able to just flourish in your relationship

(17:18):
that you're gonna build on. It's a firm foundation on
something good. Being able to say okay, I agree with this,
and we have the same values and we have the
same level of belief, which we would think is something
that's natural and intrinsic that people should obviously know, but
it's not. There are a lot of situations that I've seen,
the conversations that I've had with people with different belief systems,
that they thought that the attraction was enough, or they

(17:40):
thought that proximity was enough, or they thought career perhaps
and vision was enough, but it wasn't, and they ended
up hurt because they didn't align who they were with
what they believed. They just thought that, well, yeah, maybe
we'll just have our belief systems separately and will somehow
co mingle. It will not work. I know, it's sad
to believe. And again I won't say it won't work

(18:01):
because they're statistical anomalies or there are sometimes some situations
where it does work. But you have to ask yourself
this question, is my heart worth risking? Is my heart
worth gambling with? Is this something firm? And again, if
all these other things are art checked off and it's
amazing and it's great, then yes, maybe it's worth pursuing.
But then again, if it's not going to be something
that is going to serve what you love and what

(18:24):
you have. Then it's not your vision, it's not a
part of what you actually want to have in the future.
So a strong belief system, a strong foundation of values
is going to be the most important thing you will
ever do in a relationship. Them knowing and them agreeing
with what you agree with and you know is going
to be huge. I equate it now to politics. Right,
there's another option in there which is terrible, which is

(18:44):
something that shouldn't be so divisive, but it is right
because again it comes to our belief system and or
the things that we have been convinced of, whether true
or not true, things that we've seen or have been
fed towards us, These are all part of this. Right.
People believe these things because they have been told these things.
Whatever you align with will just use that for as
an example. You're you're not going to be able to

(19:05):
have a healthy relationship if you have this constant belief
of being at odds with your partner. If what you
believe firmly, if your foundation your values are different. What
happens when those things clash. And I've seen situations again
where people were not aware of these things, but they
didn't have conversations about their beliefs. But again, if the

(19:26):
first thing, we're intentional, as we mentioned before, we will
know what our belief systems are, what our partners believe,
what they want, what they don't want, what we want with,
what's gonna align, what's gonna conflict. So having a foundation
that's firm not an emotion, but on belief and value,
it's going to be important because emotions will lie to you, right,
you'll feel in that moment, you'll feel so loved and

(19:47):
so cared for, But your values and your belief at
the core will show you what you're gonna have issues
with a relationship with Pursuing is always going to be
something of value. So it's gonna be something that's that's
going to care for us. It is gonna make us
feel special, unique, it's going to make us feel like
we were loved and we should be in this. And
you can find that in so many ways, in so

(20:09):
many different styles. But for it to last, for it
to actually be worth staying in, for the longevity to
be a reality of this thing, it's not just pursuing
the relationship, it's pursuing life together. We need to realize
that not everyone is going to be cut off the
same way. And fortunately for a lot of us, we've
dictated relationships based on the hurtness of this world, not

(20:29):
in the healed reality of who we are. We keep
thinking that people are going to be better when they've
shown us that they're not choosing to heal or choosing
to change. We keep thinking that we can convince people
to be something else that they don't want to be
in or that they flat out aren't. You have to
start pursuing relationships with people that align with the reality
of what you desire. It's not enough to sit here

(20:51):
and look at someone and think that they have value this.
I say this often. We can't expect salt to be
sugar like yeah and sugar look the same until it
comes down to its purpose. Are these people actually serving
something good? Or am I just lying to myself in
hopes that I could convince me and convince them to
be what I want them to be. You'll continue to

(21:13):
break your own heart trying to force people to be
things that they don't want to be. And I know
it sucks to think about because if you are currently
in a relationship or are currently trying to pursue something
or hopefully courtship at least if you're in this thing
and you're questioning, is this relationship with keeping? Well, do
they check these things off? Like? Do they align with it?
And I need you to step back and be objective, right,

(21:35):
because it's easy for us to hear these things, but
it's harder for us to apply them because we're applying
it from a position of living it and not from
a position of seeing it like you are it currently.
You're so immersed in it that you don't know what
it looks like. I always equate this to all painting, right,
It's hard to understand the beauty of a painting when
you're in the physical painting. If you step away from

(21:56):
all that paint and you look at it from a distance,
you'll be able to preciate the reality of it. More So,
stepping away and telling yourself what a person would tell you,
or what you would tell a person in that situation,
is going to help you actually identify the reality of this.
It's going to help you be able to say, hey,
you need to move away from this, and then just
force yourself to do it. And I know it's hard.
I know it's easier said than done, but if you're

(22:17):
a subjectively looking objectively looking, if you're stepping away from
it and seeing the situation itself, then you're going to
be able to, at the very minimum, know the reality
of it. A relationship we're pursuing is never going to
make you feel like you're less ab you, So if
these things aren't aligning with you, you need to have
that conversation with you, Am I going to stay in
this and break my own heart? Or am I going

(22:40):
to do something different and walk away and find a
person that's going to value this thing. You don't have
to stay in something just because you've invested time into it,
like you don't have to continue to make the same
mistakes in your life just because you've made them before.
And again I mentioned this and other videos. That's called
the sunken value policy, right where you believe that because

(23:00):
you've made a mistake that you have to continue to
make it, or you believe that because you've lived in something,
or you're investing so much into it that you have
to continue to invest into it because of one day
it's going to hit. All you're gonna do is invest
all your time worth money into something that's just going
to fail you and hurt you. And now you're gonna
not lose the little, you're gonna lose the most. So
choose what's going to be worth investing, what's going to

(23:23):
be worth pouring in, And if these things don't align,
it's okay to walk away. It's okay to find someone
that's going to pursue your heart and not just pursue
your flesh. They're going to pursue what you desire and
help you be the best version of you and not
just take from you, but give with you. So if
you're questioning it, still ask yourself, what would I tell me?

(23:44):
And step back and give yourself that advice. Thank you
for listening, and thank you for being so supportive for
those of you that have been, it's just amazing to
think that we can share so much information, and I
hope that there's something of value that's actually here.