July 3, 2025 • 32 mins
We don’t just heal from breakups we heal from disappointments, betrayals, and even the ways we’ve let ourselves down. In this raw, honest, and deeply requested episode, we explore heartbreak in all its forms: romantic, familial, platonic, and personal.
Whether you're healing from a relationship that ended too soon, a friend who changed without notice, or the version of you who broke your own trust, this conversation is for you.
"The limit they loved you by is not the limit of the love you deserve."
You can rebuild. You can trust again.
You can heal.
Listen now to start letting go of what broke you so something better can grow.
#HeartbreakHealing #PodcastOnHealing #EmotionalIntelligence #BreakupRecovery #TrustIssues #SelfWorth #MadeForThisMountain #RelationshipPodcast #HealingJourney #Limerence #MentalHealthAwareness #LettingGo #InnerGrowth #RebuildTrust #FaithAndHealing
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is a highly requested one, and I don't want
to make it solely about one thing, because.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
To be honest, that's how it is.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Sometimes we fixate so much on something that we don't
allow other things to change or to grow, or to
become different in us. And yes, a broken heart hurts,
but what hurts more is having a ruined life from
fear of a ruined moment. This is made for this
mountain with Josh Rosa or turning pain into purpose. The
limit that they couldn't love you by isn't the limit
of love that you deserve or whatever have. Sometimes we
(00:27):
think that the version of love is all we deserve
because we've all been given this. This is the condition
that we've been receiving or lack thereof. And just because
they can't love you doesn't mean that you stop loving you.
Doesn't mean that you stop giving yourself what you need
and caring for you and showing up for you and
being present for you. Because a lot of people get
stuck in this lie that they are not lovable. They
(00:50):
get stuck in this lie that it's dependent on how
other people have treated me like And even again, this
is a lot more in this episode. This Mountain that
we're talking about is healing a broken heart and break
up to let towns and trust. And that's not just
in romantic relationships. Again, I make this distinction because I
see it so often and it's always a conversation. But
(01:11):
I need to understand that this is even with like
family members and friends and people in our lives. Sometimes
we've stopped the amount of love we can receive because
we base it on the amount of love we didn't receive.
We've been conditioned to think that we are not good,
that we're not lovable, that we're not cared for because
somebody else was hurt themselves and weren't able to portray
that in our lives. So just because they can't love
(01:33):
you doesn't mean you stop loving you. It doesn't mean
you stop looking or receiving or growing in this particular thing.
And I know it's sometimes easier said than that. I'm
not saying that this is not a process, and this
is why we're doing this is what we're talking about. This,
we're working through this together because there has to be
a process of growth, of identifying what's hurting you and
not letting it continue to hurt others and not letting
(01:53):
it continue to none of it's not even others at
this point. Let's just be selfish for a little bit,
not letting it continue to hurt yourself to Some people
are wrapped in things that have been said or done
to them that they don't allow themselves to live in
the life they need. It's not just romantic relationships against
it's letdowns and trust with everyone around us. Sometimes our friends,
we think that that we're not lovable because the people
(02:14):
around us don't show us love, they don't make us
feel seeing validated and welcome. Then I want to address
that here. I want this episode to be about you
and about the way that you love you and the
way that your heart that needs to be mended or
mending is mented, and just that growth of allowing yourself
to be the full version of you and not dictating
how you love you based on how other people lack
(02:35):
to love you. The truth is that for a lot
of us, we're going to struggle with this for a
very long time. And I think that there's so much
power in understanding this because it changes everything.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I mean everything, like every.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Relationship you'll have in the future, every career you'll take,
every step you'll move, everything you'll do.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
It changes.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
When you know who you are and you've fall in
love with you, you base love not on other people,
put on yourself. And of course, of course I'd be
remiss if I've ever said God's love right, that's the
greatest love, and that's the love that we all need.
But in this episode where our framework is us and
how we allow ourselves to love and to be love
and to love forward because we've even broken, and we
(03:17):
think that our brokenness is our fullness and it's not.
You are not meant to be half of something else.
I hate that saying that people say, oh, my other half,
that's not true. You already made whole, and your heart
was made whole. It wasn't made in parts, It wasn't
made to be fulfilled or validated by anyone else in
this world. It was made whole. And when we identify that,
(03:38):
we allow ourselves to be the fullness of this. Because
sometimes we break our own hearts right, Sometimes we have
this vision of things, or this interpretation of how things
should be, or just this balance of what we think
things should look like, that we set ourselves up for failure.
We think that if such people or certain jobs or
certain things don't show up for me the way that
(03:59):
I'm anticipating in my mind, and then that's the vindication
of how much love I deserve. It's not You are
not your shortcomings. You're not your bad relationships. You're not
your your flaws. You're not your family, you're not your
your fire jobs, You're not the things that let you.
You're not the brokenness. And I need you to understand
this because this is the first thing before we dive
(04:20):
any deeper, before we talk any point in anything improvement.
The first, first, first thing you need to know is
that you're not your brokenness. You're not your flaws, you're
not your mistakes. You can choose today, this very moment,
in this very podcast. You can choose today to be
completely different. You can choose to leave the things that
you thought were you. You can choose to leave the friends.
(04:41):
You can choose to leave the relationship. You can choose
to leave the job, you can choose to leave the schooling,
whatever is not bringing you fruits. And I don't mean
this in a selfish way. I'm not saying you leave
people with things just because you're tired of them and
you didn't do the work to grow, And I'm not
saying that. What I am saying is that you leave
the things that don't serve the purpose in your life
that's actually good for you. You leave the things that
(05:02):
make you feel like you're not worth it. You leave
the people, the friends, the community, the people around you.
You leave the places that will not serve the goodness
of your heart and it's causing you struggle in pain
that's not fruitful. We can't stay in things just because
we think that that's where we're supposed to be. We
can't stay in things just because, again that's such a costpacy,
because we spend so much time investing in it that
(05:24):
we think that now because I bled for it, I
have to die in it. You don't have to continue
to stay in things that are not for you. And
it's not about not caring. It's not about being selfish
and evil and all these things. Is about loving you
enough to know that these places are not places where
you belong. Just because you've been there doesn't mean you
have to stay there. You don't have to remain in
(05:45):
these things. Now, when we talk about broken hearts, of course,
of course the biggest conversation and always topic is relationships.
It is romantic relationships at that, and there's we'll talk
about a whole list of these things, but again before
those things, before we get to that, before we get
to the person, we need to work on this person us.
We need to be able to say that I love me,
(06:06):
and I know me so deeply that no one's lack
of love for me will ever dictate how much I
love me, will never dictate how much I see me.
And this is a stage of growing that a lot
of people struggling, because we've become conditioned to think that
our brokenness and our flaws is who we are, and
you are not those things. You are made whole and
beautiful and purposeful. And until you live in that, people
(06:29):
will tell you what they want to tell you, and
you'll believe them because there's no identity in who you are.
You don't know you enough to tell people that, no,
that's not who I am, and I refuse to except
that you don't love you enough to stand up for
you in stages, in places where people will continue to
walk over you. The reality is that until we heal
ourselves from our own broken heart, that we've broken us.
When people do that to us, we'll think it's normal
(06:50):
because we've become complacent with this level of pain that
we think that that's just who I am, and that's
not who you are, that's not what you deserve, that's
not the place that you have to remain. You have
to learn to love you so much that that's the
person you're looking for. And this episode is podcasts that
we're looking at this reality. This is mounted made for
this mountain in the episode, the reality that the broken
(07:10):
heart that you have is only going to be molded
and mended and fixed when you learn to know who
you are and not based on what anyone else says
about you. So we'll talk a little bit more about
this after this real quick commercial break, so welcome back.
So we're talking about love and this reality of love. Yes,
(07:31):
broken hearts are the most common conversations that I've had
with people, and people trying to get over things in
situations and they remain in this. And there's something called
limerens limbrius is in love. It's a thought, it's It's
a term used to describe a state of intense, involuntary
infatuation or romantic desire for a person, often accompanied by
(07:51):
obsessive thoughts and a desire for reciprocation.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
So there's a lot there.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
That's the actual definition of limerins the liberates is when
you continue to think about something that didn't happen and
you make this the center point of everything, so you
obsess essentially over this relationship. Now, I want to be clear,
it's not that you're doing it in a negative way,
because it's never negative to want to be in something.
It's never negative to want to be loved and loved back.
It's never negative to envision a future with a person.
(08:17):
But what happens is that when that thing doesn't happen,
when I think it doesn't actually come through, it doesn't
become a thing. We now obsess over the fact that
we can't change it. Our brains have been conditioned to
think about this reality and stay in it. So you
now have to grieve something that you're not in. You
have to go through this process of detaching from something
that you've made a big part of your life. And
(08:39):
it's okay to feel this way. It's okay to have
these emotions. It's okay to understand and hurt and go
through it. The best worst advice I've ever heard was
when someone said that you have to continue to go
after that person until you realize that they don't love you,
and that let that hurt be the reason that you
don't continue. And it's terrible advice, but it's actually advice
(09:00):
because reality is that no one is ever going to
do it for you, Like no amount of podcasts, no
amount of videos, no matter of self help books, whatever,
make you stop feeling what you're feeling, because it's in
your brain, it's in your heart, it's in your life.
You're living through this sting and until you realize that
this thing is a thought that you created and something
that you remained in and not something that you were
fully receiving back, then you're going to continue to stay
(09:23):
there until that thought dies, until that thing is gone.
So when we talk about limerens, is this reality that
we're staying in something that isn't real in the real world,
but it's real to our heart or our mind, and
we're continually to remember those moments. And this is the
thing about memory. The memory actually isn't good. Like when
you remember something, you actually don't remember the thing, you
(09:44):
remember the emotion of the thing, or you remember a
memory of the memory, but you never remember directly as
to it was. That's why in cases like in court,
they don't take everything to a full accountability for something.
It's just a possibility of it, so we have to
understand it. Sometimes the things that we're remembering aren't real.
They are things that might have happened in some level,
(10:04):
or there might have been some emotion that we incited
and we attached to the person knowing that you can't
be in there and in Spanish is that's saying lokasiatgo.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
The things that almost was.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I think the hardest thing to ever get over, the
hardest relationships to ever heal from, are the ones that
never existed because it never gave you the clarity or
the ability to fully break off of something. You remained
in this state of limberents that we're talking about, because
it now becomes this over obsessive thought of the possibilities
of things and never the reality of what it was.
(10:35):
You were in love with the potential, but not the
tangible thing that.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
You live through.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
So it's harder to break off and break away from
something that didn't happen because you are still stuck in
that thought of what could have happened. You're still stuck
in potential. But I need you to understand that the
only way you will ever heal this wound is by
identifying the reality that if it was for you, you
would have been in it. And I don't mean in
the sense like this mystical and God ordained and all
(11:01):
these things. M n. Maybe, because God could have wanted
that for you, but it wasn't something that was going
to serve you in the stage and the season of
your life. But I don't mean in that sense. I
mean directly in the fact that if you were the
only one putting work, that this is not a relationship
that was effort towards you that was worth being in.
It wasn't for you because it wasn't serving you. So
for us to let go of these things, we have
to really, really, really hone in on the fact that
(11:23):
there's a lot of negative to it. If it was good,
it would have flourished. But it wasn't good, so it didn't.
And if you did everything you possibly could to make
this thing work and it didn't work, then you can't
blame you.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
It's so hard to.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Get out of these stages because we've made this a
repetitive cycle in our brain. So knowing that this thing
is not for you is being able to identify what
it really is. Those thoughts when they come, when we
will remind ourselves of it. We need to remind ourselves
of that truth that this isn't for me because I
(11:55):
don't have to beg people that loved me to love me.
I don't have to beg people that are around me
to be around me. I don't have to beg the
relationship that I want to happen to happen for with
a person that desires it too. You are going to
be so miserable.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Listen to me.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
You are going to be so miserable trying to be
in something that doesn't want to be with you. You're
gonna be so miserable. And again, like I mentioned before,
not just romantic relationships, but this is always the hard
one for a lot of people. But you're going to
hurt so much remaining in this place just because you
think that that it has to happen in limerents and
(12:31):
creating this thought pattern, this process of that you're going
to remain in their hurt because you don't allow yourself
to leave. And I need to remind yourself of that
when you're going through this, the stages, when you're healing
through this, when dealing with this struggle, remind yourself of
what it is and how hard it is and how
much you beg and then really sit back and that
and alwas sells to people.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Give yourself advice. Like the reason that people listen to.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
This podcast, or that you're listening right now, or even
that I'm even speaking about this is not because I'm perfect.
Here's a spoiler. I don't have everything figured out. I'm
a broken and flawed person, just like every other human
being in this world. The difference is that we suck
at taking our own advice. You know this, Anything that
I'm saying in this podcast is not newsplash. I mean,
(13:16):
I might add some little tidbits here and there that
might be really interesting that you might have never thought of,
or other words that you might have never heard. But
the reality is that you know, like you know what
you need, what you want, We just need someone else
to tell us. We need someone else to walk through
it when God is and I would do tell people
if you were the person that had to give yourself advice,
what would you say, like if you were not If
(13:37):
it were not you, you were outside of this situation, what
would that person tell you? Most likely most for most people,
they wouldn't tell you, Oh, they don't love you, so
try harder. No, they would tell you no, take what
they're giving you and go with that. If they're showing
you that they don't care, if they show you that
they don't love you, if they're showing you that you're
nothing to them, then be just that nothing to them.
Do what you need to do to get out of it,
(13:58):
because unfortunately, we will stay in this mindset that we
think we can conquer something that clearly is making it
impossible to be in. If you're gonna continue to be
in the cycle, you will continue to stay in the cycle.
You'll continue to choose it because you think that you
can fix it. You think that you can win. And
what advice did you give you? Would you tell you
to stay or would you tell you to move. It's
not that anyone knows more than you, knows any better
(14:20):
than you. You know you better than anyone else. But
the problem is that we don't listen to ourselves because
we've broken our own hearts. And we'll get to that
in a little bit. But we've broken our own hearts
so much that sometimes it's hard to trust me. I've
let myself down so much that this is trust that
I can't heal. And that becomes a mountain for a
lot of us, that trust of ourselves. But we have
(14:40):
to be able to tell us what's true about us.
Keep in mind how short your life is. And this
is a big, big point for a lot of us.
Life is so short. Like if you are if you're
in your thirties. I think it was like Edie Eddie Murphy,
he was in a movie and he was like playing
like this really wise guy, and he was like, you
have seventy five summers, seventy five winters if you're lucky
(15:04):
a person. I'm in my thirties now, so I'm well
over that halfway mark. Is is this a place that
you want to continue to waste life in?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Like?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Is this again, relationship, job, teach at school, whatever it is?
Is this a place where you want to continue to
waste life in? And listen to me, I'm not saying
to invest life. I'm saying waste life because you're wasting moments,
you're wasting your future, You're wasting things that could be
good in a place that does not value or reciprocate
the intent that you have. And the worst thing ever,
(15:33):
I get it. There have been amazing cases where people
finally woke up one day and did the right thing.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
And whatever.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Do you really think that you deserve to waste another
five or ten years of your life begging something to
be what it should be? Do you really think that
life should continue to flee? And it's not just a
couple of years, right, Because for every year that you've
invested in this particular thing, you have to outgrow it
for two more. So you're going to spend so much
time miserable in something and not realize that your life
(16:02):
is almost over. And I would hate me personally. I
don't know about you, but me person I would hate
to look back and say, man, I wish I'd stopped
wasting time in that thing because of this life that
I'm living now, I would have had so much more
time to enjoy it. You can't stay in stages in
your life, and they get mad that nothing improved in
your life. And I hate to use negative reinforcement.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I hate it. I do.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I don't think it's ever as ever a great thing,
But I do think it's a very useful tool. You
have to remember that you've been hurt and we're able
to make it through it. Like your past hurts have
hurt you. You have to remember those things and realize
that you were able to make through those pains, those
pains didn't exist, and then remember how this feels now.
Knowing that the lack of trust that you lost in
(16:45):
that relationship again, romantic, platonic, family, whatever it is, Knowing
that the heartbreak that you felt in that thing, Knowing
that these things and these stages that you were in
are not new, but they shouldn't have power over you.
Knowing that these things exist, it allows you to free
your hell from it. It allows you to be this
version of you, that's the full version of you, because
this is the truth. That we stay in things because
(17:09):
we think that that's who we are. We stay there
because we condition ourselves to think that that's the best
we'll ever do, and it's not. Life is too short
for you to stay in those places. It might feel
like it's the end of the world, but it's not
the it's the end of that world. It's the end
of that chapter, this next chapter in your book is
very different.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Now. I mentioned again that trust is huge.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
It's something that again with ourselves and with our friends
and with our families, something that can be easily fractured.
But trust isn't about being mutually beneficient. I know that's
a hard one to hear. It's about being able to
know where you are welcomed.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
And it isn't I.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Do for you, you do for me type of thing.
It's not a tit for tat. Now when we give
trust to people, this is that heartbreak, that wound that
is I feel like it's actually harder than romantic relationships.
I feel like when we lose trust with family members
and we lose trust for friends, it hurts more. And
I I just feel I know it hurts more than
(18:06):
that of a romantic relationship. Why because in a romantic
relationship you put your heart up for this reality that
it might be broken. Right, That's the only way you
ever be fully loved is by you being fully vulnerable,
And without you being vulnerable, there's no way that you
can ever authentically give and receive love. There's no way
that you can be this full version of you that
(18:26):
loves forward and loves fully. And that's a real reality
in relationships, but romantic relationships. But when it comes to
family members or it comes to friends, I think this
one hurts more because we've expected them to safeguard us
because they don't have any benefit in terms of like
romantic relationships do. And it's also an easier one to
(18:47):
feel safe in because your guard is completely down. So
when that trust is fractured, when that trust is broken,
it becomes so much harder.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
For us to heal from those things.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Now, I'm not saying that trust means full access and
full control or forgiveness. Rather it gives full access and
full control.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
But when we're talking.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
About trust, it's not about what someone can do for
me or what I can do for them, but how
I'm willing to allow myself to be free around these people.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
And it's a.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Very difficult one. And for me personally, that's a huge
one because I really I have a very small circle
of friends that I am very intimate with and for
me it's super important because I'm not allowed, not that
I'm not allowed, but it's very difficult as a person
that's like on social media and as a speaker and
as a travel it's very difficult for me to just
take my shoes off, right, metaphorical shoes and relax, and
(19:40):
neither people around me to be the safeguard for me,
because there is no space for me to do that,
So it needs to be those people. And when that
type of trust is ever fractured, that becomes the hardest
thing to break because this is where you're safe, this
is where you're free, this is where you're opening you
and this is the reality of this that it's so
hard to change those things. And we'll talk about all
(20:02):
this right after this.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Quick commercial break.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
So what I mean safeguard, right, I mean this, this
place that we're talking about, this this reality where we
are free to be us. And the reason that's so
hard is because this is the most vulnerable you will
ever be. The people that you trust, the people that
are around you should never be trust that I do
for you because you did for me. It should be
I trust you fully and I love you so much
(20:28):
that I would do anything for you without the necessity
of you doing something back for me. Why is that
so important Because I think for a lot of people,
we think we earn trust by having either like dirt
on people or evidence on them, or being beneficial for
them in any season. There are people in my life
(20:49):
that I love dearly but that can never do anything
for me. And it's not about them not having resources
or them not having access, but the places that we
are are very different, and the things that I need
and I require in my life are not things that
they're able to provide for me. So in that situation,
in that particular case, that is an authentic version of
(21:10):
love and relationship and trust, right because it's not I'm
around because you can do something for me, but it's
around because I love who I am around you, and
this is the hugest thing. Sometimes trust is broken, but
it doesn't mean that you become afraid to trust again.
Now when we see this in relationships, and again that
romantic I mean yess romantic too, of course, but in
the greater light of like family members and friendships, there
(21:33):
are times where there are things that we've done and
we've wanted, or they've done they wanted, and it might
have fractured the trust, it might have fractured the relationship,
and now we find it hard to love these people
back and find it hard to connect with them again.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
I need you to understand that there is no.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Magnitude of badness that could ever make you love someone less. Like, Yes,
they might have done something terrible. I mean I guess,
I guess, like killing somebody, Like they do something terrible
to you. Okay, that it might be a little tough,
but there's no magnitude of magnets that they would do
that would change the relationship of the thought that you
(22:11):
had with them. Even if they did something so terrible
that you think you hate them in the depths of
who you are, You've created so much attachment, so much
love with these people that it becomes difficult. So what
happens here is that we become afraid to open up
and trust other people because if a person that I
love dearly would do this to me, then what stops
someone that I barely know. I need you to understand
(22:31):
that is the worst way to live life, Like it's
terrible to build these walls up thinking that there are
walls when they're really jail cells. You are creating a
prison around you because you think that if you safeguard
your heart to any friends or any family or anything
like that, that you are now going to never be
hurt that way. And yes, maybe that's true. Maybe you
won't be hurt that way. But the reality is that
you will never be loved fully because it's impossible to
(22:53):
be loved if you're not vulnerable. Like that same thing
we said before that if you're not open in this
reality to trust and to love and to invite that
you'll never be and they'll sit in this lie.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
It's just no way to live. It's a lack of trust.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
It actually leads to things like paranoia and fear and
anxiety and doubt.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Why because you think that.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Everyone's out to get you. I think the hardest way
to live life, Yet the best way is to think
that everyone has good intentions, but not give them enough
power to prove you wrong. What I mean by that
is believe that people are good. Believe that people are
there for you and they want to offer something to you,
and they want to be a part of something with you.
But then don't give them enough power where they control
everything around you. There's something we talked about before the
(23:34):
pigmelion in Factory the last episode. If you're hurt, it's
self fulfilling prophecy. It's so you have high expectations and
it leads to improved actions. Right when you believe about
yourself and that, but also the negative component of it,
where you believe that something's going to fail, right that
you guarantee yourself going prophecy, You guarantee that this thing
is going to fail. So what happens in relationships that
because we've seen them through the lens of brokenness, that
(23:57):
every relationship we now have comes to that same life.
It has to be filtered through that. So we don't
allow ourselves to be full with people because we've been
hurt by other people. And then again this vicious cycle
because we've been hurt by other people and we don't.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Allow ourselves to be full of people.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Now these people don't have the full us, so they
can't love us fully. So we see that, we feel that,
but we don't know that we cause that. We cause
this because we don't allow people to in. We don't
allow ourselves to be trusted. We have paranoia, we grow
in anxiety, we grow in all these things because we
are afraid to trust. Now, I'm not saying you give
everybody everything and all your information and let them steer
(24:32):
the boat, but I am saying that that at some
point in your life, if you're struggling with this or
even if you're not, just at some point you have
to realize that you need to you need people, right,
you need to trust people. And actually this is we
don't have that much time, and I won't dive super
into this, but these are actual psychological studies, scientific studies
have been done that for our health, our personal health
(24:53):
literally like every aspect of it, and even to the
sense of like heart health and diabetes and all these things,
you are significantly more healthy when you have a community
behind you, when you make friends. And this is why,
like I think, like episode one or two, when we
talk about the mountain, the biggest mountain that a lot
of people face, is not just this mountain of broken hearts.
It's also a mountain of solitude. Like they seclude themselves
(25:16):
so much because they've been hurt or they've been they've
their trust has been broken, or they've lost relationships. They
seclude themselves so much that they live on this mountain
of solitude and are hurting themselves not just physically but
mentally and emotionally because.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
They don't allow themselves to be open to that.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
They don't allow themselves to live in something that will
allow themselves to grow. You cannot love someone who is
not open to being loved like this is the reality.
We won't be able to love ourselves. And even deeper,
we can't love people into loving themselves. We can't force
them to be open to this reality that you have
(25:54):
this love to give them and you want to pour
into them. You can't force them to see good in
things when they are so broken that they're the ones
in this lack of trust. The rejection of love from
them doesn't mean that it's a lack of rejection from you.
It's not rejecting your love. It's rejecting love in general. Right,
So we can't force people to be good, even if
(26:16):
we're good for them. We can't force people to be
enough for us, to be enough for them to sit
here and not want those things, because it's not the reality.
No matter how much trust you've lost, or how much
they've lost, or how broken they feel, that where they're
coming from, it's never gonna change. So real quick, before
(26:36):
we come to the end of this episode, I just
wanted to just address the healing component to this, and
this is just gonna be more to this because there's
a lot to this, but the reality is of this
path of healing. It's different for everybody, because not ever
your heartbreak is romantic or yes some are, and yes
this all applies, but we have family heartbreaks, we have
friendship heartbreaks, and even the heartbreak of ourselves, like we
(26:58):
break our own hearts so often that it becomes a
thing that we think is normal. So just this this
reality of a family healing. This is a story I
tell of this girl who got married to her husband,
and she was super happy. There were newly weeds, and
she wanted to do everything that a newlywed wife does.
So she said to her husband, I'm gonna cook on
our first night together after we move in, and I'm
(27:20):
gonna make my grandma's famous ben need Right. So she
takes it Benila, and she cuts up beni with his
pork shoulder. She takes it, she cuts it in half,
and she puts it in this pot and another in
another pot.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Or yeah or not buy it or whatever you want
to call it.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
She puts it in there, and the husband, being just
a curious husband, he asked her, honey, why is it
that when you cook the benite you cut it in
half when you could have just put the whole thing
in the pan instead of making the two separate ones.
And she says, she's so happy and so eager. She says, Honey,
I don't know, but I'm gonna ask my mom. So
she calls her mom and she says, Mom, why is
it that when you taught me to cook it, and
(27:56):
then you taught me that I have to cut it
in half and put it in a pan and put
it in another pan? And she's like, I mean, how
you know? Say I don't know. Your grandma taught me
that way. So great grandma or grandma lives in the
same town, so they go and visit hers like and
she's like, why is it that you taught mom? Who
taught me that every time I cooked up a knee
I have to cut her in half? And she says,
I know me how you know? Say I don't know
(28:18):
you're you're my mother. Your great grandmother taught me. So
they get on the phone and they call her and
she says, great grandmother, why is it you tall grandma
who taught mom? Who taught me that every time that
we cut the beneath, I got to cut in half?
She's like, I mean no byeless sofa sentiment. So there
wasn't a pan big enough for us to cut it,
so we used to cut her n half and cook
it in too. So she was doing things that were
(28:39):
passed down through generations because that's how someone in her
family learned. It wasn't fitting or it wasn't appropriate for
that moment in that time, but she was doing it
because that was something that her grandmother taught her a
great grandmother and taught her grandma and her grandma to
her mom and stuff like this. There are wounds that
are passed down through generations that have nothing to do
with the seasons that were in there. There are things
(29:01):
that have been broken in us that have nothing to
do with us, and it's just things that we've been
taught that we thought were normal. And breaking those cycles
of those things, we got to understand that these people
around us, our family members, they might not have the
emotional maturity that you have. They might not have this
growth and this ability to see this and change something
in them. And being able to understand that address that.
(29:22):
It doesn't justify their actions, but it does give you
a better lens by which to judge them by. So
it's not necessarily that these people are intently bad they
don't have malice in their heart. It's just that they
are responding from a wound that they never healed. And
for us to be able to have these wounds with
our family members, we need to be the ones that
(29:45):
break these these well, generational curses that break these generational patterns,
generational habits that continue to dive into that. With friendship
and we're coming to the closers, I'll try to get
these in and if not, we'll add these to another episode.
But with friendships, it's the role of that someone's assigned
and picked for a season, realizing that it's okay to
outgrow people that well don't fit. Not every friendship is
(30:08):
one that you have to save. Not a relationship that's
broken is one that you have to mend. And knowing
that there are people who make mistakes and there are
people who make decisions is the biggest things you will
ever have. Knowing that there are people that have done
things to you and there are people who just were
in a bad situation and things made a mistake. That's okay,
(30:28):
But we need to learn what relationships to fan, with
flames to fan and which flames to let out and
let die out and ultimately this healing of ourself. We
let ourselves down when we make commitments that we don't
keep them. When we tell us that we can do,
we don't do these things. I think in the season
in this Mountain that we're facing a heartbreak. We need
(30:49):
to be able to identify what's real and what's now.
We be able to identify what's hurting us and what's
just there for us, and being able to heal our
own heart and saying that I'm not going to let
myself down, make yourself the priority before anything else. That
whole analogy of being on a plane where you have
to put the mask on first. I can't heal those
(31:09):
generational wounds. I can't heal those friendships. I can't heal
those romantic relationships if I don't know who I am
and I don't love me. So thank you for being
a part of this episode. And I know there was
so much there, and I really hope that there's something
fruitful in there. What I am doing, I'm gonna be
starting something recently. Well, I think I might have started
already where I'm adding something on my website and mademore
(31:30):
motivated dot com and where I'm going to open up
for questions because a lot of these things come from
DMS and questions people ask the stuff and things that
I tried just to help, right, to just be a
voice for So there there's going to be a tab
in which you can submit your question, whatever you need
help with, whatever you want to talk about, what everyone
here I want to I want this to be something.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
That's for people, by people, right, So it's not just.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Me speaking, but it's me helping people grow and guide
and heal and conquer these mountains together and turned pain
into purpose. So thank you for being here. I we'll
see you and hear you and speak to you on
the next one.
This is a highly requested one, and I don't want
to make it solely about one thing, because.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
To be honest, that's how it is.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Sometimes we fixate so much on something that we don't
allow other things to change or to grow, or to
become different in us. And yes, a broken heart hurts,
but what hurts more is having a ruined life from
fear of a ruined moment. This is made for this
mountain with Josh Rosa or turning pain into purpose. The
limit that they couldn't love you by isn't the limit
of love that you deserve or whatever have. Sometimes we
(00:27):
think that the version of love is all we deserve
because we've all been given this. This is the condition
that we've been receiving or lack thereof. And just because
they can't love you doesn't mean that you stop loving you.
Doesn't mean that you stop giving yourself what you need
and caring for you and showing up for you and
being present for you. Because a lot of people get
stuck in this lie that they are not lovable. They
(00:50):
get stuck in this lie that it's dependent on how
other people have treated me like And even again, this
is a lot more in this episode. This Mountain that
we're talking about is healing a broken heart and break
up to let towns and trust. And that's not just
in romantic relationships. Again, I make this distinction because I
see it so often and it's always a conversation. But
(01:11):
I need to understand that this is even with like
family members and friends and people in our lives. Sometimes
we've stopped the amount of love we can receive because
we base it on the amount of love we didn't receive.
We've been conditioned to think that we are not good,
that we're not lovable, that we're not cared for because
somebody else was hurt themselves and weren't able to portray
that in our lives. So just because they can't love
(01:33):
you doesn't mean you stop loving you. It doesn't mean
you stop looking or receiving or growing in this particular thing.
And I know it's sometimes easier said than that. I'm
not saying that this is not a process, and this
is why we're doing this is what we're talking about. This,
we're working through this together because there has to be
a process of growth, of identifying what's hurting you and
not letting it continue to hurt others and not letting
(01:53):
it continue to none of it's not even others at
this point. Let's just be selfish for a little bit,
not letting it continue to hurt yourself to Some people
are wrapped in things that have been said or done
to them that they don't allow themselves to live in
the life they need. It's not just romantic relationships against
it's letdowns and trust with everyone around us. Sometimes our friends,
we think that that we're not lovable because the people
(02:14):
around us don't show us love, they don't make us
feel seeing validated and welcome. Then I want to address
that here. I want this episode to be about you
and about the way that you love you and the
way that your heart that needs to be mended or
mending is mented, and just that growth of allowing yourself
to be the full version of you and not dictating
how you love you based on how other people lack
(02:35):
to love you. The truth is that for a lot
of us, we're going to struggle with this for a
very long time. And I think that there's so much
power in understanding this because it changes everything.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I mean everything, like every.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Relationship you'll have in the future, every career you'll take,
every step you'll move, everything you'll do.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
It changes.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
When you know who you are and you've fall in
love with you, you base love not on other people,
put on yourself. And of course, of course I'd be
remiss if I've ever said God's love right, that's the
greatest love, and that's the love that we all need.
But in this episode where our framework is us and
how we allow ourselves to love and to be love
and to love forward because we've even broken, and we
(03:17):
think that our brokenness is our fullness and it's not.
You are not meant to be half of something else.
I hate that saying that people say, oh, my other half,
that's not true. You already made whole, and your heart
was made whole. It wasn't made in parts, It wasn't
made to be fulfilled or validated by anyone else in
this world. It was made whole. And when we identify that,
(03:38):
we allow ourselves to be the fullness of this. Because
sometimes we break our own hearts right, Sometimes we have
this vision of things, or this interpretation of how things
should be, or just this balance of what we think
things should look like, that we set ourselves up for failure.
We think that if such people or certain jobs or
certain things don't show up for me the way that
(03:59):
I'm anticipating in my mind, and then that's the vindication
of how much love I deserve. It's not You are
not your shortcomings. You're not your bad relationships. You're not
your your flaws. You're not your family, you're not your
your fire jobs, You're not the things that let you.
You're not the brokenness. And I need you to understand
this because this is the first thing before we dive
(04:20):
any deeper, before we talk any point in anything improvement.
The first, first, first thing you need to know is
that you're not your brokenness. You're not your flaws, you're
not your mistakes. You can choose today, this very moment,
in this very podcast. You can choose today to be
completely different. You can choose to leave the things that
you thought were you. You can choose to leave the friends.
(04:41):
You can choose to leave the relationship. You can choose
to leave the job, you can choose to leave the schooling,
whatever is not bringing you fruits. And I don't mean
this in a selfish way. I'm not saying you leave
people with things just because you're tired of them and
you didn't do the work to grow, And I'm not
saying that. What I am saying is that you leave
the things that don't serve the purpose in your life
that's actually good for you. You leave the things that
(05:02):
make you feel like you're not worth it. You leave
the people, the friends, the community, the people around you.
You leave the places that will not serve the goodness
of your heart and it's causing you struggle in pain
that's not fruitful. We can't stay in things just because
we think that that's where we're supposed to be. We
can't stay in things just because, again that's such a costpacy,
because we spend so much time investing in it that
(05:24):
we think that now because I bled for it, I
have to die in it. You don't have to continue
to stay in things that are not for you. And
it's not about not caring. It's not about being selfish
and evil and all these things. Is about loving you
enough to know that these places are not places where
you belong. Just because you've been there doesn't mean you
have to stay there. You don't have to remain in
(05:45):
these things. Now, when we talk about broken hearts, of course,
of course the biggest conversation and always topic is relationships.
It is romantic relationships at that, and there's we'll talk
about a whole list of these things, but again before
those things, before we get to that, before we get
to the person, we need to work on this person us.
We need to be able to say that I love me,
(06:06):
and I know me so deeply that no one's lack
of love for me will ever dictate how much I
love me, will never dictate how much I see me.
And this is a stage of growing that a lot
of people struggling, because we've become conditioned to think that
our brokenness and our flaws is who we are, and
you are not those things. You are made whole and
beautiful and purposeful. And until you live in that, people
(06:29):
will tell you what they want to tell you, and
you'll believe them because there's no identity in who you are.
You don't know you enough to tell people that, no,
that's not who I am, and I refuse to except
that you don't love you enough to stand up for
you in stages, in places where people will continue to
walk over you. The reality is that until we heal
ourselves from our own broken heart, that we've broken us.
When people do that to us, we'll think it's normal
(06:50):
because we've become complacent with this level of pain that
we think that that's just who I am, and that's
not who you are, that's not what you deserve, that's
not the place that you have to remain. You have
to learn to love you so much that that's the
person you're looking for. And this episode is podcasts that
we're looking at this reality. This is mounted made for
this mountain in the episode, the reality that the broken
(07:10):
heart that you have is only going to be molded
and mended and fixed when you learn to know who
you are and not based on what anyone else says
about you. So we'll talk a little bit more about
this after this real quick commercial break, so welcome back.
So we're talking about love and this reality of love. Yes,
(07:31):
broken hearts are the most common conversations that I've had
with people, and people trying to get over things in
situations and they remain in this. And there's something called
limerens limbrius is in love. It's a thought, it's It's
a term used to describe a state of intense, involuntary
infatuation or romantic desire for a person, often accompanied by
(07:51):
obsessive thoughts and a desire for reciprocation.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
So there's a lot there.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
That's the actual definition of limerins the liberates is when
you continue to think about something that didn't happen and
you make this the center point of everything, so you
obsess essentially over this relationship. Now, I want to be clear,
it's not that you're doing it in a negative way,
because it's never negative to want to be in something.
It's never negative to want to be loved and loved back.
It's never negative to envision a future with a person.
(08:17):
But what happens is that when that thing doesn't happen,
when I think it doesn't actually come through, it doesn't
become a thing. We now obsess over the fact that
we can't change it. Our brains have been conditioned to
think about this reality and stay in it. So you
now have to grieve something that you're not in. You
have to go through this process of detaching from something
that you've made a big part of your life. And
(08:39):
it's okay to feel this way. It's okay to have
these emotions. It's okay to understand and hurt and go
through it. The best worst advice I've ever heard was
when someone said that you have to continue to go
after that person until you realize that they don't love you,
and that let that hurt be the reason that you
don't continue. And it's terrible advice, but it's actually advice
(09:00):
because reality is that no one is ever going to
do it for you, Like no amount of podcasts, no
amount of videos, no matter of self help books, whatever,
make you stop feeling what you're feeling, because it's in
your brain, it's in your heart, it's in your life.
You're living through this sting and until you realize that
this thing is a thought that you created and something
that you remained in and not something that you were
fully receiving back, then you're going to continue to stay
(09:23):
there until that thought dies, until that thing is gone.
So when we talk about limerens, is this reality that
we're staying in something that isn't real in the real world,
but it's real to our heart or our mind, and
we're continually to remember those moments. And this is the
thing about memory. The memory actually isn't good. Like when
you remember something, you actually don't remember the thing, you
(09:44):
remember the emotion of the thing, or you remember a
memory of the memory, but you never remember directly as
to it was. That's why in cases like in court,
they don't take everything to a full accountability for something.
It's just a possibility of it, so we have to
understand it. Sometimes the things that we're remembering aren't real.
They are things that might have happened in some level,
(10:04):
or there might have been some emotion that we incited
and we attached to the person knowing that you can't
be in there and in Spanish is that's saying lokasiatgo.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
The things that almost was.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I think the hardest thing to ever get over, the
hardest relationships to ever heal from, are the ones that
never existed because it never gave you the clarity or
the ability to fully break off of something. You remained
in this state of limberents that we're talking about, because
it now becomes this over obsessive thought of the possibilities
of things and never the reality of what it was.
(10:35):
You were in love with the potential, but not the
tangible thing that.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
You live through.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
So it's harder to break off and break away from
something that didn't happen because you are still stuck in
that thought of what could have happened. You're still stuck
in potential. But I need you to understand that the
only way you will ever heal this wound is by
identifying the reality that if it was for you, you
would have been in it. And I don't mean in
the sense like this mystical and God ordained and all
(11:01):
these things. M n. Maybe, because God could have wanted
that for you, but it wasn't something that was going
to serve you in the stage and the season of
your life. But I don't mean in that sense. I
mean directly in the fact that if you were the
only one putting work, that this is not a relationship
that was effort towards you that was worth being in.
It wasn't for you because it wasn't serving you. So
for us to let go of these things, we have
to really, really, really hone in on the fact that
(11:23):
there's a lot of negative to it. If it was good,
it would have flourished. But it wasn't good, so it didn't.
And if you did everything you possibly could to make
this thing work and it didn't work, then you can't
blame you.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
It's so hard to.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Get out of these stages because we've made this a
repetitive cycle in our brain. So knowing that this thing
is not for you is being able to identify what
it really is. Those thoughts when they come, when we
will remind ourselves of it. We need to remind ourselves
of that truth that this isn't for me because I
(11:55):
don't have to beg people that loved me to love me.
I don't have to beg people that are around me
to be around me. I don't have to beg the
relationship that I want to happen to happen for with
a person that desires it too. You are going to
be so miserable.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Listen to me.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
You are going to be so miserable trying to be
in something that doesn't want to be with you. You're
gonna be so miserable. And again, like I mentioned before,
not just romantic relationships, but this is always the hard
one for a lot of people. But you're going to
hurt so much remaining in this place just because you
think that that it has to happen in limerents and
(12:31):
creating this thought pattern, this process of that you're going
to remain in their hurt because you don't allow yourself
to leave. And I need to remind yourself of that
when you're going through this, the stages, when you're healing
through this, when dealing with this struggle, remind yourself of
what it is and how hard it is and how
much you beg and then really sit back and that
and alwas sells to people.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Give yourself advice. Like the reason that people listen to.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
This podcast, or that you're listening right now, or even
that I'm even speaking about this is not because I'm perfect.
Here's a spoiler. I don't have everything figured out. I'm
a broken and flawed person, just like every other human
being in this world. The difference is that we suck
at taking our own advice. You know this, Anything that
I'm saying in this podcast is not newsplash. I mean,
(13:16):
I might add some little tidbits here and there that
might be really interesting that you might have never thought of,
or other words that you might have never heard. But
the reality is that you know, like you know what
you need, what you want, We just need someone else
to tell us. We need someone else to walk through
it when God is and I would do tell people
if you were the person that had to give yourself advice,
what would you say, like if you were not If
(13:37):
it were not you, you were outside of this situation, what
would that person tell you? Most likely most for most people,
they wouldn't tell you, Oh, they don't love you, so
try harder. No, they would tell you no, take what
they're giving you and go with that. If they're showing
you that they don't care, if they show you that
they don't love you, if they're showing you that you're
nothing to them, then be just that nothing to them.
Do what you need to do to get out of it,
(13:58):
because unfortunately, we will stay in this mindset that we
think we can conquer something that clearly is making it
impossible to be in. If you're gonna continue to be
in the cycle, you will continue to stay in the cycle.
You'll continue to choose it because you think that you
can fix it. You think that you can win. And
what advice did you give you? Would you tell you
to stay or would you tell you to move. It's
not that anyone knows more than you, knows any better
(14:20):
than you. You know you better than anyone else. But
the problem is that we don't listen to ourselves because
we've broken our own hearts. And we'll get to that
in a little bit. But we've broken our own hearts
so much that sometimes it's hard to trust me. I've
let myself down so much that this is trust that
I can't heal. And that becomes a mountain for a
lot of us, that trust of ourselves. But we have
(14:40):
to be able to tell us what's true about us.
Keep in mind how short your life is. And this
is a big, big point for a lot of us.
Life is so short. Like if you are if you're
in your thirties. I think it was like Edie Eddie Murphy,
he was in a movie and he was like playing
like this really wise guy, and he was like, you
have seventy five summers, seventy five winters if you're lucky
(15:04):
a person. I'm in my thirties now, so I'm well
over that halfway mark. Is is this a place that
you want to continue to waste life in?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Like?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Is this again, relationship, job, teach at school, whatever it is?
Is this a place where you want to continue to
waste life in? And listen to me, I'm not saying
to invest life. I'm saying waste life because you're wasting moments,
you're wasting your future, You're wasting things that could be
good in a place that does not value or reciprocate
the intent that you have. And the worst thing ever,
(15:33):
I get it. There have been amazing cases where people
finally woke up one day and did the right thing.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
And whatever.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Do you really think that you deserve to waste another
five or ten years of your life begging something to
be what it should be? Do you really think that
life should continue to flee? And it's not just a
couple of years, right, Because for every year that you've
invested in this particular thing, you have to outgrow it
for two more. So you're going to spend so much
time miserable in something and not realize that your life
(16:02):
is almost over. And I would hate me personally. I
don't know about you, but me person I would hate
to look back and say, man, I wish I'd stopped
wasting time in that thing because of this life that
I'm living now, I would have had so much more
time to enjoy it. You can't stay in stages in
your life, and they get mad that nothing improved in
your life. And I hate to use negative reinforcement.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I hate it. I do.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I don't think it's ever as ever a great thing,
But I do think it's a very useful tool. You
have to remember that you've been hurt and we're able
to make it through it. Like your past hurts have
hurt you. You have to remember those things and realize
that you were able to make through those pains, those
pains didn't exist, and then remember how this feels now.
Knowing that the lack of trust that you lost in
(16:45):
that relationship again, romantic, platonic, family, whatever it is, Knowing
that the heartbreak that you felt in that thing, Knowing
that these things and these stages that you were in
are not new, but they shouldn't have power over you.
Knowing that these things exist, it allows you to free
your hell from it. It allows you to be this
version of you, that's the full version of you, because
this is the truth. That we stay in things because
(17:09):
we think that that's who we are. We stay there
because we condition ourselves to think that that's the best
we'll ever do, and it's not. Life is too short
for you to stay in those places. It might feel
like it's the end of the world, but it's not
the it's the end of that world. It's the end
of that chapter, this next chapter in your book is
very different.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Now. I mentioned again that trust is huge.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
It's something that again with ourselves and with our friends
and with our families, something that can be easily fractured.
But trust isn't about being mutually beneficient. I know that's
a hard one to hear. It's about being able to
know where you are welcomed.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
And it isn't I.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Do for you, you do for me type of thing.
It's not a tit for tat. Now when we give
trust to people, this is that heartbreak, that wound that
is I feel like it's actually harder than romantic relationships.
I feel like when we lose trust with family members
and we lose trust for friends, it hurts more. And
I I just feel I know it hurts more than
(18:06):
that of a romantic relationship. Why because in a romantic
relationship you put your heart up for this reality that
it might be broken. Right, That's the only way you
ever be fully loved is by you being fully vulnerable,
And without you being vulnerable, there's no way that you
can ever authentically give and receive love. There's no way
that you can be this full version of you that
(18:26):
loves forward and loves fully. And that's a real reality
in relationships, but romantic relationships. But when it comes to
family members or it comes to friends, I think this
one hurts more because we've expected them to safeguard us
because they don't have any benefit in terms of like
romantic relationships do. And it's also an easier one to
(18:47):
feel safe in because your guard is completely down. So
when that trust is fractured, when that trust is broken,
it becomes so much harder.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
For us to heal from those things.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Now, I'm not saying that trust means full access and
full control or forgiveness. Rather it gives full access and
full control.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
But when we're talking.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
About trust, it's not about what someone can do for
me or what I can do for them, but how
I'm willing to allow myself to be free around these people.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
And it's a.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Very difficult one. And for me personally, that's a huge
one because I really I have a very small circle
of friends that I am very intimate with and for
me it's super important because I'm not allowed, not that
I'm not allowed, but it's very difficult as a person
that's like on social media and as a speaker and
as a travel it's very difficult for me to just
take my shoes off, right, metaphorical shoes and relax, and
(19:40):
neither people around me to be the safeguard for me,
because there is no space for me to do that,
So it needs to be those people. And when that
type of trust is ever fractured, that becomes the hardest
thing to break because this is where you're safe, this
is where you're free, this is where you're opening you
and this is the reality of this that it's so
hard to change those things. And we'll talk about all
(20:02):
this right after this.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Quick commercial break.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
So what I mean safeguard, right, I mean this, this
place that we're talking about, this this reality where we
are free to be us. And the reason that's so
hard is because this is the most vulnerable you will
ever be. The people that you trust, the people that
are around you should never be trust that I do
for you because you did for me. It should be
I trust you fully and I love you so much
(20:28):
that I would do anything for you without the necessity
of you doing something back for me. Why is that
so important Because I think for a lot of people,
we think we earn trust by having either like dirt
on people or evidence on them, or being beneficial for
them in any season. There are people in my life
(20:49):
that I love dearly but that can never do anything
for me. And it's not about them not having resources
or them not having access, but the places that we
are are very different, and the things that I need
and I require in my life are not things that
they're able to provide for me. So in that situation,
in that particular case, that is an authentic version of
(21:10):
love and relationship and trust, right because it's not I'm
around because you can do something for me, but it's
around because I love who I am around you, and
this is the hugest thing. Sometimes trust is broken, but
it doesn't mean that you become afraid to trust again.
Now when we see this in relationships, and again that
romantic I mean yess romantic too, of course, but in
the greater light of like family members and friendships, there
(21:33):
are times where there are things that we've done and
we've wanted, or they've done they wanted, and it might
have fractured the trust, it might have fractured the relationship,
and now we find it hard to love these people
back and find it hard to connect with them again.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
I need you to understand that there is no.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Magnitude of badness that could ever make you love someone less. Like, Yes,
they might have done something terrible. I mean I guess,
I guess, like killing somebody, Like they do something terrible
to you. Okay, that it might be a little tough,
but there's no magnitude of magnets that they would do
that would change the relationship of the thought that you
(22:11):
had with them. Even if they did something so terrible
that you think you hate them in the depths of
who you are, You've created so much attachment, so much
love with these people that it becomes difficult. So what
happens here is that we become afraid to open up
and trust other people because if a person that I
love dearly would do this to me, then what stops
someone that I barely know. I need you to understand
(22:31):
that is the worst way to live life, Like it's
terrible to build these walls up thinking that there are
walls when they're really jail cells. You are creating a
prison around you because you think that if you safeguard
your heart to any friends or any family or anything
like that, that you are now going to never be
hurt that way. And yes, maybe that's true. Maybe you
won't be hurt that way. But the reality is that
you will never be loved fully because it's impossible to
(22:53):
be loved if you're not vulnerable. Like that same thing
we said before that if you're not open in this
reality to trust and to love and to invite that
you'll never be and they'll sit in this lie.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
It's just no way to live. It's a lack of trust.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
It actually leads to things like paranoia and fear and
anxiety and doubt.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Why because you think that.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Everyone's out to get you. I think the hardest way
to live life, Yet the best way is to think
that everyone has good intentions, but not give them enough
power to prove you wrong. What I mean by that
is believe that people are good. Believe that people are
there for you and they want to offer something to you,
and they want to be a part of something with you.
But then don't give them enough power where they control
everything around you. There's something we talked about before the
(23:34):
pigmelion in Factory the last episode. If you're hurt, it's
self fulfilling prophecy. It's so you have high expectations and
it leads to improved actions. Right when you believe about
yourself and that, but also the negative component of it,
where you believe that something's going to fail, right that
you guarantee yourself going prophecy, You guarantee that this thing
is going to fail. So what happens in relationships that
because we've seen them through the lens of brokenness, that
(23:57):
every relationship we now have comes to that same life.
It has to be filtered through that. So we don't
allow ourselves to be full with people because we've been
hurt by other people. And then again this vicious cycle
because we've been hurt by other people and we don't.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Allow ourselves to be full of people.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Now these people don't have the full us, so they
can't love us fully. So we see that, we feel that,
but we don't know that we cause that. We cause
this because we don't allow people to in. We don't
allow ourselves to be trusted. We have paranoia, we grow
in anxiety, we grow in all these things because we
are afraid to trust. Now, I'm not saying you give
everybody everything and all your information and let them steer
(24:32):
the boat, but I am saying that that at some
point in your life, if you're struggling with this or
even if you're not, just at some point you have
to realize that you need to you need people, right,
you need to trust people. And actually this is we
don't have that much time, and I won't dive super
into this, but these are actual psychological studies, scientific studies
have been done that for our health, our personal health
(24:53):
literally like every aspect of it, and even to the
sense of like heart health and diabetes and all these things,
you are significantly more healthy when you have a community
behind you, when you make friends. And this is why,
like I think, like episode one or two, when we
talk about the mountain, the biggest mountain that a lot
of people face, is not just this mountain of broken hearts.
It's also a mountain of solitude. Like they seclude themselves
(25:16):
so much because they've been hurt or they've been they've
their trust has been broken, or they've lost relationships. They
seclude themselves so much that they live on this mountain
of solitude and are hurting themselves not just physically but
mentally and emotionally because.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
They don't allow themselves to be open to that.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
They don't allow themselves to live in something that will
allow themselves to grow. You cannot love someone who is
not open to being loved like this is the reality.
We won't be able to love ourselves. And even deeper,
we can't love people into loving themselves. We can't force
them to be open to this reality that you have
(25:54):
this love to give them and you want to pour
into them. You can't force them to see good in
things when they are so broken that they're the ones
in this lack of trust. The rejection of love from
them doesn't mean that it's a lack of rejection from you.
It's not rejecting your love. It's rejecting love in general. Right,
So we can't force people to be good, even if
(26:16):
we're good for them. We can't force people to be
enough for us, to be enough for them to sit
here and not want those things, because it's not the reality.
No matter how much trust you've lost, or how much
they've lost, or how broken they feel, that where they're
coming from, it's never gonna change. So real quick, before
(26:36):
we come to the end of this episode, I just
wanted to just address the healing component to this, and
this is just gonna be more to this because there's
a lot to this, but the reality is of this
path of healing. It's different for everybody, because not ever
your heartbreak is romantic or yes some are, and yes
this all applies, but we have family heartbreaks, we have
friendship heartbreaks, and even the heartbreak of ourselves, like we
(26:58):
break our own hearts so often that it becomes a
thing that we think is normal. So just this this
reality of a family healing. This is a story I
tell of this girl who got married to her husband,
and she was super happy. There were newly weeds, and
she wanted to do everything that a newlywed wife does.
So she said to her husband, I'm gonna cook on
our first night together after we move in, and I'm
(27:20):
gonna make my grandma's famous ben need Right. So she
takes it Benila, and she cuts up beni with his
pork shoulder. She takes it, she cuts it in half,
and she puts it in this pot and another in
another pot.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Or yeah or not buy it or whatever you want
to call it.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
She puts it in there, and the husband, being just
a curious husband, he asked her, honey, why is it
that when you cook the benite you cut it in
half when you could have just put the whole thing
in the pan instead of making the two separate ones.
And she says, she's so happy and so eager. She says, Honey,
I don't know, but I'm gonna ask my mom. So
she calls her mom and she says, Mom, why is
it that when you taught me to cook it, and
(27:56):
then you taught me that I have to cut it
in half and put it in a pan and put
it in another pan? And she's like, I mean, how
you know? Say I don't know. Your grandma taught me
that way. So great grandma or grandma lives in the
same town, so they go and visit hers like and
she's like, why is it that you taught mom? Who
taught me that every time I cooked up a knee
I have to cut her in half? And she says,
I know me how you know? Say I don't know
(28:18):
you're you're my mother. Your great grandmother taught me. So
they get on the phone and they call her and
she says, great grandmother, why is it you tall grandma
who taught mom? Who taught me that every time that
we cut the beneath, I got to cut in half?
She's like, I mean no byeless sofa sentiment. So there
wasn't a pan big enough for us to cut it,
so we used to cut her n half and cook
it in too. So she was doing things that were
(28:39):
passed down through generations because that's how someone in her
family learned. It wasn't fitting or it wasn't appropriate for
that moment in that time, but she was doing it
because that was something that her grandmother taught her a
great grandmother and taught her grandma and her grandma to
her mom and stuff like this. There are wounds that
are passed down through generations that have nothing to do
with the seasons that were in there. There are things
(29:01):
that have been broken in us that have nothing to
do with us, and it's just things that we've been
taught that we thought were normal. And breaking those cycles
of those things, we got to understand that these people
around us, our family members, they might not have the
emotional maturity that you have. They might not have this
growth and this ability to see this and change something
in them. And being able to understand that address that.
(29:22):
It doesn't justify their actions, but it does give you
a better lens by which to judge them by. So
it's not necessarily that these people are intently bad they
don't have malice in their heart. It's just that they
are responding from a wound that they never healed. And
for us to be able to have these wounds with
our family members, we need to be the ones that
(29:45):
break these these well, generational curses that break these generational patterns,
generational habits that continue to dive into that. With friendship
and we're coming to the closers, I'll try to get
these in and if not, we'll add these to another episode.
But with friendships, it's the role of that someone's assigned
and picked for a season, realizing that it's okay to
outgrow people that well don't fit. Not every friendship is
(30:08):
one that you have to save. Not a relationship that's
broken is one that you have to mend. And knowing
that there are people who make mistakes and there are
people who make decisions is the biggest things you will
ever have. Knowing that there are people that have done
things to you and there are people who just were
in a bad situation and things made a mistake. That's okay,
(30:28):
But we need to learn what relationships to fan, with
flames to fan and which flames to let out and
let die out and ultimately this healing of ourself. We
let ourselves down when we make commitments that we don't
keep them. When we tell us that we can do,
we don't do these things. I think in the season
in this Mountain that we're facing a heartbreak. We need
(30:49):
to be able to identify what's real and what's now.
We be able to identify what's hurting us and what's
just there for us, and being able to heal our
own heart and saying that I'm not going to let
myself down, make yourself the priority before anything else. That
whole analogy of being on a plane where you have
to put the mask on first. I can't heal those
(31:09):
generational wounds. I can't heal those friendships. I can't heal
those romantic relationships if I don't know who I am
and I don't love me. So thank you for being
a part of this episode. And I know there was
so much there, and I really hope that there's something
fruitful in there. What I am doing, I'm gonna be
starting something recently. Well, I think I might have started
already where I'm adding something on my website and mademore
(31:30):
motivated dot com and where I'm going to open up
for questions because a lot of these things come from
DMS and questions people ask the stuff and things that
I tried just to help, right, to just be a
voice for So there there's going to be a tab
in which you can submit your question, whatever you need
help with, whatever you want to talk about, what everyone
here I want to I want this to be something.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
That's for people, by people, right, So it's not just.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Me speaking, but it's me helping people grow and guide
and heal and conquer these mountains together and turned pain
into purpose. So thank you for being here. I we'll
see you and hear you and speak to you on
the next one.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.