February 24, 2025 • 8 mins
Why You’re Holding Onto People Who No Longer Serve You – And How to Let Go
Many of us find ourselves chasing a feeling, not a person. We catch ourselves wondering why we hold on to relationships that we know aren’t healthy anymore. The truth is, it’s often not about the person – it’s about the sense of happiness, peace, or comfort they once brought us.
We grow attached to the feeling they provide because we haven’t yet learned how to create that feeling within ourselves. The problem isn’t just the attachment – it’s the belief that someone else is responsible for fulfilling our emotional needs.
In this video, we break down why we seek validation, how to recognize when a connection is driven by emotional dependency, and how to start reclaiming those feelings for ourselves.
If you’re ready to stop chasing temporary comfort and start building lasting peace within, this episode is for you.
Watch now and take the first step toward emotional freedom.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I need to ask yourself this question. Is it really
them or is it the thought of them? Is it
the idea that you've created in your mind. Is it
the thing that you've seen the future with. Is the
path that you've thought that was gonna work it was
gonna happen and didn't happen. Is it the fact that
you couldn't overcome this or the fact that it just
didn't happen. I think sometimes we get more caught up
with the idea of people than the reality of people.
(00:20):
We get more caught up with what we want them
to be, or what we saw they could be, or
what our heart's desire in that moment, and not in
what's actually in front of us, not in the thing
that we're actually dealing with. And I've had so many
conversations with so many people when they talk about heartbreak
and dealing with heartbreak and things that they're going through,
that it seems like there's a cycle of us just
consistently making ourselves little so that other people can feel
(00:42):
comfortable around us.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
And there's so many factors to this.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Right, we're gonna look at the scope of relationships and
dating and romantic relationships, but to be honest, this fits
with everything, even if it work environments or friendships or
family members, if it's in all these things. Because sometimes
we envision things with certain people and they let us down.
And what happens in that moment that you have to
come to terms or to a realization that the thing
(01:04):
that you envisioned, that imagined wasn't a thing, that it
didn't actually exist. And healing through this is a process,
is something that's going to take time and actual effort.
But I want to point out a couple of points
here that a lot of us seem to miss or
gloss over for some reason, especially when it comes to
this topic, because this is such a painful one and
I know it hurts, and the thought of walking away
(01:25):
from something that you needed to walk away from is hurting.
It's painful. This a thought that you never thought you
had to do. But there's a reality that if you
stay in the place that hurt you, if you remain
in the home of the wound, you will continue to
feed the wound and not the healing. You will continue
to stay in the thing that's killing you and not
the thing that's serving you. Because we think that if
we remain in this place that we don't have to
(01:46):
actually confront it. We've created this psychosomatic reality where we're
living in something that isn't true, that isn't actually present
to us, because we think that it's feeding us by
remaining there, and it's not. It's actually killing you. The
reason that a lot of us don't heal is because
we're afraid to address what hurt us. We're afraid to
go towards the thing and allow it to actually feel
(02:07):
the pain and be painful and let it go. But
we have to have this reality. Is it demo or
is it the emotion that I'm chasing? Is it the
thought of what could have been? Is it the possibility
of what could have been? Or the reality of what is?
So diving into this reality is first. The first thing
we need to realize is that that we need to heal.
It's healing something in us. That's the first factor of
all this. Because a lot of times we create attachments
(02:29):
to people because they mimic something that our nervous system
was used to. So the reason that people struggle with
relationships is because they keep dating the same person in
different people. They're trying to date the person they couldn't save.
They're trying to go for the person that has all
the toxicity that they're accustomed to, because they think that
the relationship where where it was fiery and exciting and
(02:50):
narcissistic at that point, is the reality of that relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
They think that.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Everyone else should fit or should look that way, not
realizing that they're just looking for things that it's gonna
bring their nervouses into the same level of toxicity they
were used to. Why Because it takes phases of you
realizing healthy does not mean over exciting or over fiery.
I learned that that phrase slow burn, right, that that
healthy relationships have this dynamic where it's freeing, but it's
(03:18):
not overbearing. It's not in a sense where you have
to feel super toxic or super anxious, or or you
have to feel butterflies, ohways to be know that this
person is for you. Unfortunately, there's something in us that
we need to heal. And this can be attached to
so many people, right, not just romantic relationships, but like
parent wounds. Right, Sometimes we're looking for attention from a
parental figure and we think that the people we date
(03:40):
should mimic the tension that we were searching. Why because
we've become accustomed to it. But you need to sit
down and really think about this is what I'm looking
for healthy? Like, do I need to heal something in
me before I dive into something else? Is there something
that is not allowing me to have healthy relationships with
people because I think that it needs to look certain
a certain way, or it needs to be a certain
(04:00):
way my looking for excitement over patients. Am I looking
for all these extra things that are just don't fit
in the reality of a healthy relationship. So there's things
in us that we need to heal before we continue
to look for people, before we continue to put ourselves
out there, because what's gonna happen is that you're only
gonna get hurt. You're gonna be looking for the same
person in a different body and wondering why no one's
(04:22):
good because you're looking for that same one. You couldn't
save that person, So you think that finding a person
similar to that is going to bring that part of
your life together. It won't until you heal those attachments
in you. Until you heal that type of person that
you consistently fall into, you will consistently find them in
different people. Healing something in else is gonna be the
(04:43):
first thing we need to do before any of that,
before we continue to look for the person and not
the thought of them or the emotion and not not
being driven by it, And then we need to come
to this next realization that sometimes it's the thought we've
made up of the person and not the reality that
they're in.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
It's the idea that.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
In our mind that what they should they look like,
or what they are, what we think they pretend to be,
but not the reality of what they're showing us they are.
We tend to break our own hearts because we look
for people to be things that they're showing us that
they don't want to be. We look for people to
be in positions that they're showing us that they don't
desire to be, and in our mind we envision the
thought of it. We think, well, you know, if I
try harder, if I do more, they will realize one
(05:22):
day how good I am, and that happens. That's what
they're gonna change. That's what we're gonna choose me. That's
what they're gonna say. Finally, I get it, I understand.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Who you are. I need you to realize that you
need to break up with that thought.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
You need to stop thinking that a person is finally
gonna sit here and just realize how great or you
could be the most amazing person in the world. I
need you to understand that you could be the greatest
person ever. You could give every ounce of it. You
could be perfect, But you won't be perfect for them
because it has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Their decisions, their attractions, their inclinations, their desires are not
things that you can force or fabricate into your life.
Just because you have a thought or a vision of
what something could look like, it doesn't mean that you
could force a person to see it. You can't force
people to agree with you. But you need to realize
is that sometimes you have to break up with the
thought you made up in your mind, and there's a
process to that. Right, there's a grieving stage, is a
(06:10):
reality of you. You come into terms that this thing
is not going to happen. And the more you push,
the more you're there, the longer you beg the.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Less value you give to yourself.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Right, Because if you are not willing to walk away
when you were offered little, even less than that, is
what you're gonna be offered next, you're diminishing your value
by begging people to see what you see. You're diminishing
your value by begging people to just give you the
bread crumbs of the bare minim when you're diminishing your
value by telling someone that it's okay to treat you
like nothing because you'll remain there. Sometimes it's not the
(06:42):
reality of what we have. Sometimes it's the thought that
we've created, and at some point we have to sit
down and face that thought. Is it real or is
it just my heart desire? And you won't heal from
that until you face that. You need to understand this
is not gonna heal without you confronting it. Our last
(07:03):
point there is what doesn't serve us because the reality
is that something we have to beg to be in.
Something we have to convince somebody of something. We have
to consistently sit here and tell them how good we
are and how good they'll have it. That's not something
that deserves you, that's not something that's gonna grow you,
that's not something that in your life deserves any bearing
(07:24):
or any weight.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
We consistently go to.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Things and diminish ourselves and hopes that they'll accept the
cheap version of us, the water down version of us,
and the rest of your life, you're gonna have to
sit here and be miserable because you're pretending to be
something less than what you actually are. I need you
to understand that a lot of times we sit here
with the thought of people and ignore the reality of
people because we don't want to confront that. We don't
(07:48):
want to sit there and say, well, this actually doesn't
deserve me. This thing doesn't serve me, but doesn't deserve
me even less. We have to realize that until we
confront these things, until we heal those wounds, until we
break up with the thought of it, until we actually
confront the reality of it, until we realize that it
don't deserve or serve us, will continue to diminish us
(08:12):
for them to be cheap with us. It's not worth
watering yourself down for people to love you poorly. But
this is something that won't change until you confront the
reality of it. So that's the question. Is it really
them or is it the thought of them? Is it
who they actually are or who you're making them up
(08:34):
to be.
I need to ask yourself this question. Is it really
them or is it the thought of them? Is it
the idea that you've created in your mind. Is it
the thing that you've seen the future with. Is the
path that you've thought that was gonna work it was
gonna happen and didn't happen. Is it the fact that
you couldn't overcome this or the fact that it just
didn't happen. I think sometimes we get more caught up
with the idea of people than the reality of people.
(00:20):
We get more caught up with what we want them
to be, or what we saw they could be, or
what our heart's desire in that moment, and not in
what's actually in front of us, not in the thing
that we're actually dealing with. And I've had so many
conversations with so many people when they talk about heartbreak
and dealing with heartbreak and things that they're going through,
that it seems like there's a cycle of us just
consistently making ourselves little so that other people can feel
(00:42):
comfortable around us.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
And there's so many factors to this.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Right, we're gonna look at the scope of relationships and
dating and romantic relationships, but to be honest, this fits
with everything, even if it work environments or friendships or
family members, if it's in all these things. Because sometimes
we envision things with certain people and they let us down.
And what happens in that moment that you have to
come to terms or to a realization that the thing
(01:04):
that you envisioned, that imagined wasn't a thing, that it
didn't actually exist. And healing through this is a process,
is something that's going to take time and actual effort.
But I want to point out a couple of points
here that a lot of us seem to miss or
gloss over for some reason, especially when it comes to
this topic, because this is such a painful one and
I know it hurts, and the thought of walking away
(01:25):
from something that you needed to walk away from is hurting.
It's painful. This a thought that you never thought you
had to do. But there's a reality that if you
stay in the place that hurt you, if you remain
in the home of the wound, you will continue to
feed the wound and not the healing. You will continue
to stay in the thing that's killing you and not
the thing that's serving you. Because we think that if
we remain in this place that we don't have to
(01:46):
actually confront it. We've created this psychosomatic reality where we're
living in something that isn't true, that isn't actually present
to us, because we think that it's feeding us by
remaining there, and it's not. It's actually killing you. The
reason that a lot of us don't heal is because
we're afraid to address what hurt us. We're afraid to
go towards the thing and allow it to actually feel
(02:07):
the pain and be painful and let it go. But
we have to have this reality. Is it demo or
is it the emotion that I'm chasing? Is it the
thought of what could have been? Is it the possibility
of what could have been? Or the reality of what is?
So diving into this reality is first. The first thing
we need to realize is that that we need to heal.
It's healing something in us. That's the first factor of
all this. Because a lot of times we create attachments
(02:29):
to people because they mimic something that our nervous system
was used to. So the reason that people struggle with
relationships is because they keep dating the same person in
different people. They're trying to date the person they couldn't save.
They're trying to go for the person that has all
the toxicity that they're accustomed to, because they think that
the relationship where where it was fiery and exciting and
(02:50):
narcissistic at that point, is the reality of that relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
They think that.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Everyone else should fit or should look that way, not
realizing that they're just looking for things that it's gonna
bring their nervouses into the same level of toxicity they
were used to. Why Because it takes phases of you
realizing healthy does not mean over exciting or over fiery.
I learned that that phrase slow burn, right, that that
healthy relationships have this dynamic where it's freeing, but it's
(03:18):
not overbearing. It's not in a sense where you have
to feel super toxic or super anxious, or or you
have to feel butterflies, ohways to be know that this
person is for you. Unfortunately, there's something in us that
we need to heal. And this can be attached to
so many people, right, not just romantic relationships, but like
parent wounds. Right, Sometimes we're looking for attention from a
parental figure and we think that the people we date
(03:40):
should mimic the tension that we were searching. Why because
we've become accustomed to it. But you need to sit
down and really think about this is what I'm looking
for healthy? Like, do I need to heal something in
me before I dive into something else? Is there something
that is not allowing me to have healthy relationships with
people because I think that it needs to look certain
a certain way, or it needs to be a certain
(04:00):
way my looking for excitement over patients. Am I looking
for all these extra things that are just don't fit
in the reality of a healthy relationship. So there's things
in us that we need to heal before we continue
to look for people, before we continue to put ourselves
out there, because what's gonna happen is that you're only
gonna get hurt. You're gonna be looking for the same
person in a different body and wondering why no one's
(04:22):
good because you're looking for that same one. You couldn't
save that person, So you think that finding a person
similar to that is going to bring that part of
your life together. It won't until you heal those attachments
in you. Until you heal that type of person that
you consistently fall into, you will consistently find them in
different people. Healing something in else is gonna be the
(04:43):
first thing we need to do before any of that,
before we continue to look for the person and not
the thought of them or the emotion and not not
being driven by it, And then we need to come
to this next realization that sometimes it's the thought we've
made up of the person and not the reality that
they're in.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
It's the idea that.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
In our mind that what they should they look like,
or what they are, what we think they pretend to be,
but not the reality of what they're showing us they are.
We tend to break our own hearts because we look
for people to be things that they're showing us that
they don't want to be. We look for people to
be in positions that they're showing us that they don't
desire to be, and in our mind we envision the
thought of it. We think, well, you know, if I
try harder, if I do more, they will realize one
(05:22):
day how good I am, and that happens. That's what
they're gonna change. That's what we're gonna choose me. That's
what they're gonna say. Finally, I get it, I understand.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Who you are. I need you to realize that you
need to break up with that thought.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
You need to stop thinking that a person is finally
gonna sit here and just realize how great or you
could be the most amazing person in the world. I
need you to understand that you could be the greatest
person ever. You could give every ounce of it. You
could be perfect, But you won't be perfect for them
because it has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Their decisions, their attractions, their inclinations, their desires are not
things that you can force or fabricate into your life.
Just because you have a thought or a vision of
what something could look like, it doesn't mean that you
could force a person to see it. You can't force
people to agree with you. But you need to realize
is that sometimes you have to break up with the
thought you made up in your mind, and there's a
process to that. Right, there's a grieving stage, is a
(06:10):
reality of you. You come into terms that this thing
is not going to happen. And the more you push,
the more you're there, the longer you beg the.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Less value you give to yourself.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Right, Because if you are not willing to walk away
when you were offered little, even less than that, is
what you're gonna be offered next, you're diminishing your value
by begging people to see what you see. You're diminishing
your value by begging people to just give you the
bread crumbs of the bare minim when you're diminishing your
value by telling someone that it's okay to treat you
like nothing because you'll remain there. Sometimes it's not the
(06:42):
reality of what we have. Sometimes it's the thought that
we've created, and at some point we have to sit
down and face that thought. Is it real or is
it just my heart desire? And you won't heal from
that until you face that. You need to understand this
is not gonna heal without you confronting it. Our last
(07:03):
point there is what doesn't serve us because the reality
is that something we have to beg to be in.
Something we have to convince somebody of something. We have
to consistently sit here and tell them how good we
are and how good they'll have it. That's not something
that deserves you, that's not something that's gonna grow you,
that's not something that in your life deserves any bearing
(07:24):
or any weight.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
We consistently go to.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Things and diminish ourselves and hopes that they'll accept the
cheap version of us, the water down version of us,
and the rest of your life, you're gonna have to
sit here and be miserable because you're pretending to be
something less than what you actually are. I need you
to understand that a lot of times we sit here
with the thought of people and ignore the reality of
people because we don't want to confront that. We don't
(07:48):
want to sit there and say, well, this actually doesn't
deserve me. This thing doesn't serve me, but doesn't deserve
me even less. We have to realize that until we
confront these things, until we heal those wounds, until we
break up with the thought of it, until we actually
confront the reality of it, until we realize that it
don't deserve or serve us, will continue to diminish us
(08:12):
for them to be cheap with us. It's not worth
watering yourself down for people to love you poorly. But
this is something that won't change until you confront the
reality of it. So that's the question. Is it really
them or is it the thought of them? Is it
who they actually are or who you're making them up
(08:34):
to be.
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