Know your value Ep19

Knowing your value can change everything. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Knowing that I can create this boundary and create this
reality of I'm not gonna allow you to rob me
of my piece simply to keep you in my company.
That is one of the most important things we will
ever live. Why because if we consistently pour into people,
if you consistently say yes to everyone because of our
people pleasing or of our desire to just keep them around,
you are going to lose you in efforts to keep them.

(00:20):
And I don't see a world or that ever makes sense.
Were you devaluing you just to create some ounce of
relationship with someone is ever gonna be worth it. There
is no situation where that's normal. There's no situation where
that's okay. You need to create those boundaries. So that
quote again, daring to set boundaries. It's about having the
courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.

(00:42):
I love me so much, I'm sorry that that's gonna
hurt you. What you're willing to accept from people is
what they'll continue to offer. And what I mean by
that is that if you allow people to continue to
serve you the least or the little, or just give
you what's convenient to them, they'll continue to just give
you that. Why because they think and they know that
they're gonna get away with it conditioned them to believing
that your self worth is only based on what they're

(01:03):
willing to offer you. And I need you to create
those boundaries. We'll talk about boundaries and all those important
things and how to actually make them. But this is
the truth that the reason so many people are struggling
with their value is because they've created their value or
attached their value to the dependence of other people. So
what are the people say about your or make you feel?
And sometimes not your fault, right, there's things that are
triggered to our youth and how we grew up and

(01:24):
our parents, all these things. But I need you to
understand that your value is not dependent on what people
are willing to offer, but on what you are like.
There are cheap people in this world that continue to
try to rob you of things because it's easy for
them to do it. That's not who you are. Your
value is not based on those people. And the truth
is that knowing your value is actually one of the
most important things you ever do, because statistics show that

(01:44):
forty percent of people are more successful when they have
self worth for value when they understand that they're likely
more successful to achieving or reaching their goals. And reality
is knowing your value. It's more than just demanding things
from people in relationships or in partnerships or anything in
our lives, but it's actually being able to achieve your goal.
And this is the hugest thing because it makes sense.

(02:05):
Think about it. If you authentically believe in you, if
you have self worth, you know that you're worth more.
You're not going to settle for certain things, but not
only that, you're going to believe in yourself so much more.
And there's this cognitive bias that happens that we don't
allow ourselves to do things because we are attaching our
value to either how good we do them or how
people see us in that. And I need to understand
that even if you fail, and this is what people

(02:26):
who have self value and self worth really really know
that even if you fail, it doesn't matter, right because
your value isn't dictated on how good you are, It's
dictated on who you are. It's dictated on what you're
already made for. And a lot of people have been
struggling with value because again we've attached it to people,
we have attached it to things, We have attached it
to certain objects in our life that we think are

(02:46):
of that powerful nature that control everything. So knowing your
value actually helps you be more successful. That's just I
just had to get that one out of there before
we dive into the rest of this stuff, because you
need to understand that self worth and self value is
what's going to be the difference between successful careers, successful goals,
successful dreams, and failure. The fact that you are doing
these things or making these things happen, or the fact

(03:09):
that you just are giving up. Because that's where I
really at the core of what it is. So knowing
your self value is actually going to make you better
in everything else. And I think a lot of us
we struggle with being successful in life because the moment
we fail, the moment we don't do well, we attach
how we feel who we are to that moment. We
don't think that anything more can come out of it.

(03:30):
So you need to understand that that is an intrinsic
part of life, being able to do this thing, to
create these goals, and we need to be able to
differentiate between those things. Right, So the science of self
worth is huge. It's understanding that there's a huge difference
between self esteem and self worth, and I get it.
This is we're confusing because those things sound very close.

(03:52):
But this is what the psychologists defined that. Psychologists define
self worth as a belief that you are inherently valuable
no matter your achievements failures. This mindset protects you from
external validation trap. So the reality is that you are,
you are important, You have value despite things, despite anything else,

(04:13):
despite how you've been treated, despite people have talked to you,
despite what people have walked away from you or left
you or heard you, despite those things. That your self
worth is not based on them. It's based on you,
and it's the reality of who we are. There's a
doctor Christen en f Why I quote very often. It
has this whole study on self compassion, and it's just
and self compassion shows that valuing one self improves the

(04:35):
mental health and reduces anxiety, and it just it just
makes sense. Like, think about it for a second. If
you know who you are and know what you're worth,
you're not gonna sit and dwell on things. Will you
have anxiety? Will you have anxious moments? Sure? Because that's
part of the human nature, that's part of who you are.
But you don't base your value, you don't base your mindset,
or you don't base your life on everything else. You

(04:56):
don't allow those things to run rampant in you. So
you need to be able to identify that. Now a
lot of people struggle with this, Well, how do I
know that I have self value? How do I know
that I have self worth? Well, you can test these things.
Do you find yourself over apologizing, Like, do you find
yourself saying sorry for everything? And I don't mean that
you're not remorseful, or you know, you don't feel bad
for situations you don't feel sorry for because you should

(05:17):
right when you were wrong, say I admit you're wrong
and grow from it. And that's actually a sign of
self worth when you can identify that you did something
wrong and you were wrong in that situation. But do
you find yourself being wrong in everything, apologizing for how
people are acting or feeling, or do you find yourself saying, hey,
I'm sorry for this, or it's sorry your first response,
even if it's not your responsibility to be sorry, is

(05:38):
that the first thing you do. And this also ties
into the same thing that we can look at this
people pleasing. Are you constantly looking to please people? You're
constantly looking to make people happy? Are you constantly looking
for people to look at you and say great things
about you? And I promise you these are things that
we all struggle with. I've struggled with this, right. There's
been situations in my life where I've wanted people to
look at me and say, Wow, this person is so

(05:59):
good at this or they're so good at that, and
to look at that, because again, we depend and we
depict our value on how people see us or how
people treat us. And if you consist consistently are looking
for people to approve of you. There's a saying that
says that if I live for the applause of the crowd,
I will die by the absence of it. If you
are looking for people to approve of you, or love

(06:20):
you or glorify you, will give you all these things.
I promise you that you will attach your value to that,
and the moment that they don't give you those things,
that your value is gone and you've created this gap
between you and what you're actually worth, because now you're
again depending who you're worth on what people say so
are you constantly people pleasing? So are you constantly apologizing?

(06:40):
Are you constantly people pleasing? And are you constantly looking
at what people are saying about you and making that
the catalyst is how you measure away yourself. The reality
is that if we don't know our self value, somebody
will tell us it. If we don't know what we're worth,
they're gonna make us believe that we're worth or we're not.
They're gonna try to take away from that because we
live in that world. There's a Stephen Schabowski said this once.

(07:04):
He said, we accept the love we think we deserve.
And if we think that we deserve mediocre love, or
we've conditioned to settle for love that is contingent on
certain things that we do or act, or or it's
only based on seasons. And the reality is that we're
going to consistently let people rob us of authentic love
for this imitation version of it, this version of it
that's dependent on what I do and how good I

(07:26):
do it and not based on just simply being present.
And I see that so often with friendships, right, We
see that very common again all relationships, because I know
where some people are going to equate this to the
romantic relationships, or to the platonic relationships, or to their
work environment, all these things, and these are all important ways,
because again, this is how you see it and how
you need it right now. But I see it very
often with friendships with that that type of relationship, because

(07:47):
what happens is that a lot of times people attach
our value or or we attach value to people based
on what they can do for us. And that's not
an authentic friendship. That is not authentic love. When you
allow people to rob you of you just for the
convenience of you, that's not authentic. And your self worth
when you have self worth. When you see this in people,

(08:07):
you're willing to walk away despite the relationship, with the
longevity of it, you know that what's more important is
not that it's how you're going to be treated, because
at the end of the day, that's all you have.
That's what the authentic relationship is. So knowing your value
is knowing that you're not going to sit here and
people please or overapologize or create all these things just
so people can actually have any type of relationship with you.

(08:29):
And I want you to reclaim these things, right, So
we're talking about setting boundaries here. This is like the
most important aspect of it. And this is never a relationship.
But we need to be able to know when it's
good to pour in and when it is important to
step back. So to set a boundary, you need to
know when to say no and when to say yes.
Giving your no more authentically is giving authority to your yes.

(08:52):
The Bible says, let you know, me know, and you're yes,
me yes. So knowing when things are important and when
things are are of value to you and when they're not,
because again this ties into people pleasing, a lot of
a struggle to say no and not again me, I
really struggled with that. There were seasons in my life
where I was completely burnt out because I kept saying
yes to everything. And there is no value in your yes.

(09:13):
When there's no value in your no, when people can't
when it's not special, when it's not unique, when it's
not something of actual worth, then there's no purpose to it.
And again this is a people pleasing mechanism. You are
choosing to say yes to everything because you want people
to consciously or subconsciously whatever it looks like, to approve
of you. You think that you saying yes is going
to make them value more, But the reality is that

(09:35):
they're going to value you less because your presence is
so common that to them it's easy to become nose
blind too. You need to know when to say no.
And this is hard. This is very hard. It's for
people that are still people pleasing and recovering from that.
It's going to be very difficult for you to finally
step up and say no. I need you to understand
that's a super important one. Studies show that people who

(09:56):
assert boundaries have stronger mental health and relationships. The reality
is that relationships to people that you want to love
you are going to leaven love you more because there
is authentic boundaries. And all humans, no matter what scale
you're in, all humans need and appreciate boundaries, whether they
admit it or not. We all need these things. Why
because it's structure. We are almost all all of us

(10:16):
psychologically or consciously again or unconsciously looking for structure. Why
because it is the most natural thing for us. We
desire boundaries. You desire to know what's what and when
to do what. You have to be willing to create
these these boundaries where you say no to people more
often even than you say yes. And you know this
might be a practice thing for you. Just go out

(10:37):
there and just say no, and just try to say
no to things that you would commonly say yes to,
especially if these things don't bring any worth or value
to you personally, if they're not something that's going to
edify or grow, you learn to say no. Brene Brown
said this one he's a daring to set boundaries is
about having the courage to love ourselves even when we
risk disappointing others. Knowing that I love me so much

(11:02):
that I won't allow you to rob me of me
is one of the biggest things you will ever do.
Knowing that I can create this boundary and create this
reality of I'm not going to allow you to rob
me of my piece simply to keep you in my company,
that is one of the most important things we will
ever live. Why Because if we consistently pour into people,
if we consistently say yes to everyone because of our
people pleasing or if our desire to just keep them around,

(11:24):
you are going to lose you in efforts to keep them.
And I don't see a world where that ever makes sense,
where you devaluing you just to create some ounce of
relationship with someone is ever gonna be worth it. There's
no situation where that's normal. There's no situation where that's okay.
You need to create those boundaries, so that quote agains
daring to set boundaries. It's about having the courage to
love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. I love

(11:48):
me so much. I'm sorry that that's gonna hurt you.
So we need to be able to identify that a neuroplasticity.
You're gonna hear this often, right. The neuroscience proves that
repeating affirmations like I am worthy strengthenings are world pathways
to tide self belief. This is the truth that there
is this bias that we build in our minds and
in our brains that comes from that. That's literally a

(12:08):
tangible thing. Your brain is always creating these neural pathways,
and as it works, it creates this relationship and connection
to self that you are able to really believe and
authentically live in that. But again, the same way that
you have to create, you also have to destroy. So
there are pathways that you have in your brain right
now that are the opposite that you have been conditioned

(12:28):
for so long to hate and to just go into
that and to say the opposite of what you're actually
worth that. Those are things that you need to speak again.
So it takes a lot more work to build healthy
pathways than it does negative pathways. Why because negative pathways
are almost with the current, They're simple, they're easy. Why
you hear it so often around you, So your brain

(12:49):
is going to adapt those hearts a lot easier than
it would deposit. So how do you combat that? How
do you actually create healthy pathways in your brain? How
do you create the self worth of you hearing it?
You're gonna have to a lot every time you hear
a negative thought in your brain, every time someone says
something negative to you, or any time and something of
that nature comes up, I need you to say the

(13:11):
positive thing three or four times more than the negative
time you heard it. So if in your brain you're
hearing I suck or I can't do this, or I'm
not worth it, I need you to tell yourself I'm
worth it, I'm good, I have talents, I'm gifted. I
need you to repeat those things to yourself over and
over and over again for you to believe it. Science
actually shows us that the most successful people are people

(13:32):
we would consider delusional, Like are people that believe so
deeply and so immensely in themselves that they speak so
well about themselves that they believe it so much so
that it becomes a part of their life. It's not
just a thing that I say to me, It's a
lifestyle that I'm living. Your self worth is always going
to be dependent on what you do and how you are,

(13:52):
and the more you repeat it and the more you
believe it, the easier that thing become. So we need
to create that that resilience in us and ultimately to
ripple effect. The more you do this, the better you
become at just naturally flowing with it. When you know
your self worth, you inspire others to see theirs like
it's something that just naturally ripples around because when people
see people who love themselves, they think, WHOA, I could

(14:15):
do that too, Even if it's not again subconscious or consciously,
there are certain things that we absorb and believe because
it just dives into our brain, into our psyche. You
give other people the permission to be themselves, to be open,
to be real and Ultimately, our last point is build
self worth today. So what I want you to do

(14:35):
is again that ripple effect and how you inspire other
people is if you got to this far, I think
there's something that you're working on, something you're growing through.
So I'm going to challenge you in the very common section.
I want you to write three things you love about yourself,
three things that you might find hard to love about yourself,
things that you are grateful for about yourself, whatever that
might look like. And this inspires other people to see

(14:56):
these things and say wait, wait, me too, Like I
can be there, because the real is that you are
ultimately one making yourself better so that we can make
other people better. We make ourselves the best version of
us so that we can help and push other people
to be the best version of And it doesn't mean
that you're perfect. I'm far, far, far, far far from perfect,
but there's a constant strive to want to be better.

(15:17):
Today can't look like yesterday, because if it does, then
you haven't done anything. There has to be some even
the slightest, smallest well you would consider insignificant in this
moment type of change. That change ripples into something so
much bigger, and so much better because today doesn't look
like yesterday, and the day after doesn't look like either day.
It's just better and better and better. So you are
inspiration to other people because you becoming the best version

(15:40):
of you is going to inspire other people to believe
that they can too. That's really it. Your self worth
is not dependent on what people say or don't say,
or believe or don't believe about you. It's depending on
who you actually are, and that's at its core all
that matters. That your self worth is who you are,
what you were made for, and at the end of
the day, not what anyone else said. You're made for

(16:01):
so much more