January 13, 2025 • 11 mins
Heartbreak can feel overwhelming, but what if one simple shift could help lighten the load? In Episode 21, we dive into a game-changing perspective that will transform the way you process heartbreak and move forward.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- How to reframe your pain into growth
- The power of letting go with intention
- Practical steps to start healing today
Whether you’re navigating the end of a relationship, a friendship, or any kind of loss, this episode will give you the tools and encouragement to find peace and clarity.
Listen now to discover the mindset shift that can help you break free from the weight of heartbreak and step into a brighter, lighter future.
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#HeartbreakHealing #EmotionalWellness #PodcastEpisode #LettingGo #HealingJourney
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The reason people don't actually heal from heartbreak is because
they haven't actually grieved the death of the relationship. And
what I mean by that, right, we're going to talk
about all these points on these things, but this is
one of the most intrinsic, most basic points.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
You could ever look at.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
The reality where we don't heal from the relationship because
we never allow ourselves to feel the pain. We're doing
everything we can, everything in our power and our consciousnes
is to avoid the hurt, to avoid going through the emotions,
to avoid the crying, the laughing, the joys of the things,
to to realize that it's gone.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
To all those steps.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
We avoid that because it doesn't feel good and it's
not you know, it's not a bad thing. As a
natural thing we should. We want to defend ourselves, we
want to protect ourselves, but we avoid these things because
it's easier than it is to understand it and to
face it. And yeah, we're going to talk about shifting
these parts of that of your heart that help you
heal from heartbreak and deal with that. But before anything else,
(00:50):
I need you to ask yourself this question. Have I
allowed myself to feel the grief? And that's actually our
first point. Grief and heartbreak are one of the same.
Grief is a change that you didn't want. Heartbreak is
i literally a definition of that something that you didn't
desire to happen, but now you're dealing with. And in fact,
science says that when we deal with heartbreak, the pain
is that equatable of something that's literally physical.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
We feel the hurt because.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
At the end of the day, it's still something in
us that's dying away, that is moving away. But if
we don't mourn the thing that was whenever you would
have moved past it, we'll keep lingering around it, right,
and then some situations happen where we won't don't actually
want to let it die. Like in our mindset and
the way we're thinking, the way we're acting, we think
that if we allow ourselves to continue to stay in
(01:34):
this thought of it, that it's not gone. And this
is again subconscious or even consciously for some people that
they continue to live out the relationship thinking that because
I'm doing this, it's never gone, and you need to
understand that you have to mourn it, that yes, it happened,
it's part of your life. It was a sad part
of your life. You're dealing now with the repercussions of it.
But this heartbreak is not something that should continue to linger.
(01:56):
It shouldn't be present, You shouldn't continue to stay there.
Equated to like carrying a dead body, this is what's happening.
It's dead weight, right. Obviously a dead body be a
little different than it's terrible, that'd be kind of scary actually,
But dead body is something that it's carrying extra weight
in your life. So when you are moving from place
to place, you don't move into the best possible.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Version of you.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
You don't move quickly, you don't move fully because you're
carrying this weight of something that's dead. You're holding onto
something that isn't there. And yes, a regular dead body
with deteriorat right, those are the things that you would expect.
But in this analogy of it, you're still holding onto
something that's keeping you down and it becomes so much
harder to move something. Think about it, it's harder.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
To move if you're carrying heavyweight on top of you.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
So this relationship that you have to mourn, this death
of something that you have to go through your grief
and grief and all the stages that come with grief.
You have to allow yourself to fully feel it. The
truth is that we're going to continue to play the
cycle of things if we don't allow ourselves to understand
what happened, how it happened, and now allow ourselves to
feel the pain and then allow ourselves to release it. Unfortunately,
(02:58):
for a lot of us, where we will, we dwell
around heartbreak or dwindle around heartbreak so much that it
just becomes the identity of everything we are.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
I know so many.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Amazing people in this world that don't move on to
anything more in their lives. They might be successful career
wise or school wise and those other things, but the
romantic relationship or even their just general relationships suffers so
much because they have been carrying the weight of something
that is dead already.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
They've been holding on to.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
A past that doesn't exist anymore, and they continue to
replay parts of those relationships that they think they can
analyze to fix that. They think that if they sit there,
I need you to understand that even if you analyze it,
even if you focus on it, you have to realize
that life is a book, right and what we're doing
is that we're over fixated on a chapter of our
life that we don't actually allow ourselves to feel and
(03:46):
grow in the next round. We are so focused on
this thing that happened in your life that that thing
is the center focus of everything you do, and now
you're not writing out.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
A good story. The rest of the story.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Is failing and it is falling apart because you have
been fixated on a chapter that doesn't exist. Yes, it's hard.
I'm not saying it's easy to move on. This is
why people are searching to heal and searching for heartbreaking
and trying to fix these things because it's hard. It's
not an easy process. But you need to realize that
if you don't grieve these things, if you don't go
through these things, if you don't allow yourself to feel
the emotion and then stop fixating on the dead thing
(04:17):
that you have to stop carrying, you won't move on.
The next chapter is gonna look really bad. It's actually
probably gonna look worse in the previous chapter. Why because
you've allowed that to affect so much that nothing else
improves and nothing else becomes better. You have to stop
comparing your heartbreak. Your grief is always the worst, and
your pain is valid, and you have to understand that
(04:39):
it's okay to feel these things. There's a study that happened.
It says that comparison triggers the logical brain, but emotional
healing requires accessing the heart and limbic system. We tend
to sit here and compare our pain, our sufferings, our
emotions to other people. And there's two foldsis right one
because we shouldn't compare it. You shouldn't say that that
(05:00):
look how bad it was for that person, and not
justify the pain that you're going through, but also not
say well, my pain is so much worse than everyone
else that it becomes this giant thing in your life. Yes,
pain is pain, and it's different for everybody, and it's
okay that we all suffer differently. We don't have to say, well,
my life is so much worse than yours, or your
life is so much worse than mine, so I shouldn't
(05:21):
feel bad about my own thing. Your pain is valid.
You feeling this is okay to understand and to feel
and to go through these emotions.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
It's to heal, it's okay to grow through it.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
I think sometimes we think that it's not okay to
feel the pain because of other people's pain. We try
to justify our hiding of our emotions because we say, well,
other people are going through worse things. They are, they
absolutely are, but it doesn't mean that your pain isn't valid.
And then in that other same breath, we can't also
over magnify our pain and say, well, no one else
understands what I'm going through because I'm the only one
(05:52):
in this world that hurts. We all know that's not true.
Everyone has pain, everyone's going through things. But comparing your
pain or using your pain as as a leverage for
a different situation that you're in, is never gonna be
healthy for you.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
These they're gonna help you grow. You need to allow.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yourself again to feel that pain and understand why. And
then our next point is moving through it. And there's
analogy that I heard a long time ago that I
loved and I use it often, and it's it's the
Buffalo analogy. And this analogy says that buffalo are very
good at understanding weather like they know what the weather
is like, they know what movement and pressure systems feel.
(06:28):
And so what happens is that most people when a
storm is coming in we tend to run away from
the storm, right, We tend to run the opposite direction
because we don't want to get wet, right, we don't
want to get caught in the middle of the storm.
But put buffalo do something different. They tend to run
towards the storm because as they run towards the storm,
they're actually running through the storm. So as a storm
(06:50):
is moving, yes they're gonna get super wet, Yes they're
they're gonna feel all the rain and feel every aspect
of it. But the moment that they get to the
other side, they allow themselves the freedom of no longer
being caught in that storm, and they see the rainbow
and sunshine and all these beautiful things. For a lot
of us, we've become so comfortable and running away that
we consistently have to run from our pain. Our whole
(07:11):
life is focused on running away from that storm to
try to avoid the rain. And the only thing that
happens now is now you're slow because you're getting wet.
You're tired and emotional and hurt because you think that
if you keep running that you're gonna avoid the rain.
You're not gonna avoid the rain. But if you run
through it. If you allow yourself to feel it, to
grow in it, then you allow yourself to get to
(07:32):
the other side. You allow this reality that the other
side of that rain can't rain forever. But again, if
we keep avoiding our emotions, if we keep running from
our pain, if we keep carrying the dead body of
the thing that's gone that we haven't grieved yet, then
we'll continue to stay in that cycle of things that
are hurting us.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Yes, you can.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Run, you can try to avoid it, you can try
to keep going, but you're not gonna outrun a storm.
You have to run through it. You have to allow
it to pass. Anger is a bodyguard for pain, and
this happens a lot. We tend to respond that of
our anger out of our hurtness to people, and we
create this bitterness in us because it's easy to just
(08:13):
lash out than it is to accept what's wrong and change.
And then again that is part of a grieving process.
Also when we have anger but we can't embody it right. Yes,
it is part of the grieving process. Yes, we should
go through our anger and allow ourselves to heal, but
we can't allow the anger to be the centerfold of us.
We can't allow that to be the only thing that
we do and know because it's easy to lash out.
I've seen again people really hurt themselves because they've allowed
(08:36):
their anger to be everything they do. It's just become
their body response, it becomes them. It is a part
of everything. It is a part of just allowing yourself
to feel what you need to feel and grow through
which you need to go through, but also being able
to identify this thing should not have power over you.
It shouldn't be the only thing that continues to dry
(08:57):
the catalyst of this heartbreak aspect. A lot of us
don't deal with heartbreak well because we consistently think that
it's our fault. Right, it's easy to take on blame.
And again, this is the conscious subconscious. Some people are
aware of it. Some people know that they're looking at
the situation and they start thinking, well, what could I
have done better?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
What could I have changed? How could I have been better?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
How could I have been You start making yourself the
focus of it, and yes, are there things that you
need to fix? Sure, absolutely there are things that we
need to correct, But there are also times where we
just make ourselves escapegoat for the situation. Why because it's
easy to blame me than it is to say, well, wait,
there's nothing wrong with me, Like I'm not a bad person,
I'm making the efforts I'm trying. We need to be
(09:40):
able to identify the things that we have to correct
and then realize that there are a lot of things
that aren't on us. The reason a lot of people
dwindle with heartbreak or they stay in heartbreak is because
they haven't been able to realize that there's a lack
of authority, a lack of power there that is not yours,
that is not falling on you, And because of that,
they don't actually let go of things because they think
(10:01):
again that they can fix the relationship or situation by
fixing themselves or focusing on themselves. You couldn't fix it,
you couldn't save it. If you're past this, if you're
in that stage of healing, you need to understand that
it's not your responsibility, it's not your role.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Your job is to do the best.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
That you possibly can, and if that isn't value or
appreciate it, you have to stop thinking that there's something
more that you could have done or could do.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
To fix the situation.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
The reason we don't heal from heartbreak is because we
keep replaying it and thinking, where can I correct it?
You cannot correct it.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
It's past.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
That chapter is no longer here. And if you keep
dwindling on it, if you keep focusing on it, you
will remain in it. You will never get through it
because you've made that weight, the one thing you're stuck with,
the one thing you're carrying. We won't heal from heartbreak
until we realize that that stage of our life is gone.
Love it, remember it, have memories, positive things or terrible things,
(10:55):
whatever it is. It happens in your life, but don't
let it be your life. Don't let it be the
one thing that you remain in
The reason people don't actually heal from heartbreak is because
they haven't actually grieved the death of the relationship. And
what I mean by that, right, we're going to talk
about all these points on these things, but this is
one of the most intrinsic, most basic points.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
You could ever look at.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
The reality where we don't heal from the relationship because
we never allow ourselves to feel the pain. We're doing
everything we can, everything in our power and our consciousnes
is to avoid the hurt, to avoid going through the emotions,
to avoid the crying, the laughing, the joys of the things,
to to realize that it's gone.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
To all those steps.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
We avoid that because it doesn't feel good and it's
not you know, it's not a bad thing. As a
natural thing we should. We want to defend ourselves, we
want to protect ourselves, but we avoid these things because
it's easier than it is to understand it and to
face it. And yeah, we're going to talk about shifting
these parts of that of your heart that help you
heal from heartbreak and deal with that. But before anything else,
(00:50):
I need you to ask yourself this question. Have I
allowed myself to feel the grief? And that's actually our
first point. Grief and heartbreak are one of the same.
Grief is a change that you didn't want. Heartbreak is
i literally a definition of that something that you didn't
desire to happen, but now you're dealing with. And in fact,
science says that when we deal with heartbreak, the pain
is that equatable of something that's literally physical.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
We feel the hurt because.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
At the end of the day, it's still something in
us that's dying away, that is moving away. But if
we don't mourn the thing that was whenever you would
have moved past it, we'll keep lingering around it, right,
and then some situations happen where we won't don't actually
want to let it die. Like in our mindset and
the way we're thinking, the way we're acting, we think
that if we allow ourselves to continue to stay in
(01:34):
this thought of it, that it's not gone. And this
is again subconscious or even consciously for some people that
they continue to live out the relationship thinking that because
I'm doing this, it's never gone, and you need to
understand that you have to mourn it, that yes, it happened,
it's part of your life. It was a sad part
of your life. You're dealing now with the repercussions of it.
But this heartbreak is not something that should continue to linger.
(01:56):
It shouldn't be present, You shouldn't continue to stay there.
Equated to like carrying a dead body, this is what's happening.
It's dead weight, right. Obviously a dead body be a
little different than it's terrible, that'd be kind of scary actually,
But dead body is something that it's carrying extra weight
in your life. So when you are moving from place
to place, you don't move into the best possible.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Version of you.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
You don't move quickly, you don't move fully because you're
carrying this weight of something that's dead. You're holding onto
something that isn't there. And yes, a regular dead body
with deteriorat right, those are the things that you would expect.
But in this analogy of it, you're still holding onto
something that's keeping you down and it becomes so much
harder to move something. Think about it, it's harder.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
To move if you're carrying heavyweight on top of you.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
So this relationship that you have to mourn, this death
of something that you have to go through your grief
and grief and all the stages that come with grief.
You have to allow yourself to fully feel it. The
truth is that we're going to continue to play the
cycle of things if we don't allow ourselves to understand
what happened, how it happened, and now allow ourselves to
feel the pain and then allow ourselves to release it. Unfortunately,
(02:58):
for a lot of us, where we will, we dwell
around heartbreak or dwindle around heartbreak so much that it
just becomes the identity of everything we are.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
I know so many.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Amazing people in this world that don't move on to
anything more in their lives. They might be successful career
wise or school wise and those other things, but the
romantic relationship or even their just general relationships suffers so
much because they have been carrying the weight of something
that is dead already.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
They've been holding on to.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
A past that doesn't exist anymore, and they continue to
replay parts of those relationships that they think they can
analyze to fix that. They think that if they sit there,
I need you to understand that even if you analyze it,
even if you focus on it, you have to realize
that life is a book, right and what we're doing
is that we're over fixated on a chapter of our
life that we don't actually allow ourselves to feel and
(03:46):
grow in the next round. We are so focused on
this thing that happened in your life that that thing
is the center focus of everything you do, and now
you're not writing out.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
A good story. The rest of the story.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Is failing and it is falling apart because you have
been fixated on a chapter that doesn't exist. Yes, it's hard.
I'm not saying it's easy to move on. This is
why people are searching to heal and searching for heartbreaking
and trying to fix these things because it's hard. It's
not an easy process. But you need to realize that
if you don't grieve these things, if you don't go
through these things, if you don't allow yourself to feel
the emotion and then stop fixating on the dead thing
(04:17):
that you have to stop carrying, you won't move on.
The next chapter is gonna look really bad. It's actually
probably gonna look worse in the previous chapter. Why because
you've allowed that to affect so much that nothing else
improves and nothing else becomes better. You have to stop
comparing your heartbreak. Your grief is always the worst, and
your pain is valid, and you have to understand that
(04:39):
it's okay to feel these things. There's a study that happened.
It says that comparison triggers the logical brain, but emotional
healing requires accessing the heart and limbic system. We tend
to sit here and compare our pain, our sufferings, our
emotions to other people. And there's two foldsis right one
because we shouldn't compare it. You shouldn't say that that
(05:00):
look how bad it was for that person, and not
justify the pain that you're going through, but also not
say well, my pain is so much worse than everyone
else that it becomes this giant thing in your life. Yes,
pain is pain, and it's different for everybody, and it's
okay that we all suffer differently. We don't have to say, well,
my life is so much worse than yours, or your
life is so much worse than mine, so I shouldn't
(05:21):
feel bad about my own thing. Your pain is valid.
You feeling this is okay to understand and to feel
and to go through these emotions.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
It's to heal, it's okay to grow through it.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
I think sometimes we think that it's not okay to
feel the pain because of other people's pain. We try
to justify our hiding of our emotions because we say, well,
other people are going through worse things. They are, they
absolutely are, but it doesn't mean that your pain isn't valid.
And then in that other same breath, we can't also
over magnify our pain and say, well, no one else
understands what I'm going through because I'm the only one
(05:52):
in this world that hurts. We all know that's not true.
Everyone has pain, everyone's going through things. But comparing your
pain or using your pain as as a leverage for
a different situation that you're in, is never gonna be
healthy for you.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
These they're gonna help you grow. You need to allow.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yourself again to feel that pain and understand why. And
then our next point is moving through it. And there's
analogy that I heard a long time ago that I
loved and I use it often, and it's it's the
Buffalo analogy. And this analogy says that buffalo are very
good at understanding weather like they know what the weather
is like, they know what movement and pressure systems feel.
(06:28):
And so what happens is that most people when a
storm is coming in we tend to run away from
the storm, right, We tend to run the opposite direction
because we don't want to get wet, right, we don't
want to get caught in the middle of the storm.
But put buffalo do something different. They tend to run
towards the storm because as they run towards the storm,
they're actually running through the storm. So as a storm
(06:50):
is moving, yes they're gonna get super wet, Yes they're
they're gonna feel all the rain and feel every aspect
of it. But the moment that they get to the
other side, they allow themselves the freedom of no longer
being caught in that storm, and they see the rainbow
and sunshine and all these beautiful things. For a lot
of us, we've become so comfortable and running away that
we consistently have to run from our pain. Our whole
(07:11):
life is focused on running away from that storm to
try to avoid the rain. And the only thing that
happens now is now you're slow because you're getting wet.
You're tired and emotional and hurt because you think that
if you keep running that you're gonna avoid the rain.
You're not gonna avoid the rain. But if you run
through it. If you allow yourself to feel it, to
grow in it, then you allow yourself to get to
(07:32):
the other side. You allow this reality that the other
side of that rain can't rain forever. But again, if
we keep avoiding our emotions, if we keep running from
our pain, if we keep carrying the dead body of
the thing that's gone that we haven't grieved yet, then
we'll continue to stay in that cycle of things that
are hurting us.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Yes, you can.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Run, you can try to avoid it, you can try
to keep going, but you're not gonna outrun a storm.
You have to run through it. You have to allow
it to pass. Anger is a bodyguard for pain, and
this happens a lot. We tend to respond that of
our anger out of our hurtness to people, and we
create this bitterness in us because it's easy to just
(08:13):
lash out than it is to accept what's wrong and change.
And then again that is part of a grieving process.
Also when we have anger but we can't embody it right. Yes,
it is part of the grieving process. Yes, we should
go through our anger and allow ourselves to heal, but
we can't allow the anger to be the centerfold of us.
We can't allow that to be the only thing that
we do and know because it's easy to lash out.
I've seen again people really hurt themselves because they've allowed
(08:36):
their anger to be everything they do. It's just become
their body response, it becomes them. It is a part
of everything. It is a part of just allowing yourself
to feel what you need to feel and grow through
which you need to go through, but also being able
to identify this thing should not have power over you.
It shouldn't be the only thing that continues to dry
(08:57):
the catalyst of this heartbreak aspect. A lot of us
don't deal with heartbreak well because we consistently think that
it's our fault. Right, it's easy to take on blame.
And again, this is the conscious subconscious. Some people are
aware of it. Some people know that they're looking at
the situation and they start thinking, well, what could I
have done better?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
What could I have changed? How could I have been better?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
How could I have been You start making yourself the
focus of it, and yes, are there things that you
need to fix? Sure, absolutely there are things that we
need to correct, But there are also times where we
just make ourselves escapegoat for the situation. Why because it's
easy to blame me than it is to say, well, wait,
there's nothing wrong with me, Like I'm not a bad person,
I'm making the efforts I'm trying. We need to be
(09:40):
able to identify the things that we have to correct
and then realize that there are a lot of things
that aren't on us. The reason a lot of people
dwindle with heartbreak or they stay in heartbreak is because
they haven't been able to realize that there's a lack
of authority, a lack of power there that is not yours,
that is not falling on you, And because of that,
they don't actually let go of things because they think
(10:01):
again that they can fix the relationship or situation by
fixing themselves or focusing on themselves. You couldn't fix it,
you couldn't save it. If you're past this, if you're
in that stage of healing, you need to understand that
it's not your responsibility, it's not your role.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Your job is to do the best.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
That you possibly can, and if that isn't value or
appreciate it, you have to stop thinking that there's something
more that you could have done or could do.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
To fix the situation.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
The reason we don't heal from heartbreak is because we
keep replaying it and thinking, where can I correct it?
You cannot correct it.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
It's past.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
That chapter is no longer here. And if you keep
dwindling on it, if you keep focusing on it, you
will remain in it. You will never get through it
because you've made that weight, the one thing you're stuck with,
the one thing you're carrying. We won't heal from heartbreak
until we realize that that stage of our life is gone.
Love it, remember it, have memories, positive things or terrible things,
(10:55):
whatever it is. It happens in your life, but don't
let it be your life. Don't let it be the
one thing that you remain in
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com