January 20, 2025 • 15 mins
This episode will empower you to recognize the signs that it’s time to move on and take actionable steps to reclaim your freedom, joy, and purpose. Whether you’re dealing with a manipulative boss, a toxic partner, or life’s crossroads, this conversation will help you prioritize your happiness and prepare for better opportunities ahead.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
There's a reason why holding on is killing you. Like
we think that holding on is helping us, and the
reality is that it's hurting us. It's not allowing us
to move into what's real and to what we deserve
and what we need, because we become so fixated with
thinking that if we hold on longer, that if we're persistent,
or if we show up more, if we do more
of what was a reading that value, that eventually they're
going to value it. Unfortunately, too many of us continue
(00:21):
to stay in things just because we've invested time into it,
because we've made a mistake, and we think that I've
done this for so many years that I have to
keep pressing in. And there's something called the sun can
cost fallacy, which I've mentioned in other videos and mentioned
other things, but so important to understand that a lot
of people think this fallacy is teaching us that a
lot of people believe that because they've invested time into
(00:41):
a situation, even though it's failing and burning out and terrible,
that they have to consistently pour into it, that they
have to press harder, they have to continue because again,
you've invested all this time. So you think that just
because you've invested all this time in it, that you
can't just walk away or run away. But I want
you to think about it this way, right, And that's
our first first thing there, right, recognizing when to let go.
(01:03):
I want you to think about it this way. If
you continue to press more, are you gonna lose more?
Or are you gonna gain anything? Like? Is it you're
investing more time in something that's clearly shown you that
it's not gonna work, doesn't desire you, that doesn't want
you around. Is it ever gonna improve? And we're sitting
here we think that, well, Okay, if I wait till
next year, if I keep pushing on, if I do
(01:24):
the next thing, that if I keep investing more time
into this hole, that eventually they're gonna see my worth
and my value. The truth is that they won't because
they didn't value it before. You don't need to show
more of you for them to see what they already
saw and valuate. They know what you are, they've seen
who you are. The question isn't do they value? The
question is do you value? Like? Do you wake up
(01:46):
and say, Okay, I'm done pouring into this because it's
not growing me. I'm miserable, I'm hurt, I'm not where
I want to be in And the reality is that
we shouldn't continue to pour into places or people that
aren't giving us anything back. And I don't me And again,
no relationship shouldver be about what you're getting, but there
should be a level of reciprocity. There should be a
level of you pouring into somebody that pours back into you,
(02:07):
because of what happens is when you pour and they
don't pour back, you end up emptying her. So the
question there, just because you've spent so much time making
a mistake, it doesn't mean you have to marry the mistake.
Just because you've invested so much time in there doesn't
mean you have to continue to stay in that thing.
You have to at some point sit back and realize,
is this worth me pursuing and the time that I've invested,
(02:30):
the effort that I made, Is this actually something that
I'm going to sit here and say, you know what
it was worth it? Or am I just married to
an idea or a story that I've told myself that
makes me remain there? It makes me stay in this
thing because because I sell it to me, I put
it on the pedestal. I've created this, and I refuse
to let go and move away from it. I refuse
(02:52):
to step back and actually say, Okay, well, you know,
the time I invested here was beautiful and it was there,
but it's now gone. We need to be able to
understand that sometimes you need to cut your losses and
walk away. Sometimes you need to face take it for
face value, take it for what it is, and move
away from this thing, because if not, you'll continue to
(03:14):
remain in what's hurting you. You'll allow what's hurting you
to be your home, and it's just not a way
to live. Just because you've spent so much time doing
it doesn't mean you have to continue. It's because you
spend so much time in the relationship doesn't mean you
have to continue. Just because you spend so much time
making mistakes or failing or falling short doesn't mean you
have to continue. Understanding that just because you've invested time
(03:35):
in something doesn't mean that that thing is worth you
investing more. Our next pera is identifying manipulation. This is
a tough one. I think for a lot of people.
We allow our wounds to be tools in the hands
of those people that desire to manipulate this right because
for some people, like people pleasing right, the desire for approval,
Because I haven't received approval in certain situations in my
life for a certain places in my life, I think
(03:57):
that receiving approval from a person or the romantic partner
or just friendship or whatever, I think that that is
a validation that I need. Because we've tied our self
worth to them. We've allowed ourselves to be manipulated because
we think that who we are is only gauge in
value to what they say or do. Unfortunately, for a
lot of us, we've allowed people to say things and
(04:18):
make those things that we attached to you. But ask
yourself this question, are the actions matching the words? Like,
they can say whatever they want. They can tell you
that they love you, that you're amazing, that you're all
these great things, But what are they actually doing, Like,
are their actions genuinely authentically showing the words that they're saying,
or they're doing something completely the opposite of that at
that point, that's manipulation. Or they're telling you, oh, I
(04:39):
want this with you, I desire you this in my life,
I desire you in this world. But then they do
nothing for that to be true. They make no effort
to actually try and engage with you, or grow with you,
or build with you. That's manipulation. You need to understand
that when people say things and do nothing, they are
desiring to get an emotion out of you without giving
you a commitment. They're not doing anything that's genuinely connecting
(05:00):
to you. They're choosing to tell you things because they
know that it's easy to buy you by love bombing you,
by creating a connection with you that's only through words
and not through actions. They're manipulating you. And unfortunately, we
aren't able to identify a manipulation because we've equated validation
with desire. We've created that people treat us some type
(05:22):
of way because they want us, and unfortunately that's not
the case. And who do we continue to fall into
these ruts of just letting people say things to us
and us selling ourselves a story of what it could
be and then not actually following through. They're not fulfilling
the things that they're saying. So I need you to
ask yourself this question. Am I being manipulated? Like? Am
I hearing words? Are they telling me things? But are
(05:43):
they doing nothing about it? Are they changing, are they
making efforts? Are they actually inviting me to things? Are
they making me feel welcomed their loved or is it
just when I speak up or say something about it
that they say a word about it. You have to
realize that that is manipulation, them not doing the action
but saying the word. They can tell you they love
you and I'm sure you are amazing, but do they
(06:04):
actually do anything to prove it? Like words are one thing,
but allowing yourself to actually be invested in and love
to owe fully will only come from a person that
genuinely desires that, not a person that's just going to
say these things. And again, it's tied to how we
view ourselves, So our self works tends to be tied
to the validation and how they see us. So moving
on to that next point, valuing yourself, the reality is
(06:25):
that we don't value ourselves. Like for a lot of us,
it's easier to stay in something that requires us to
give because we don't have to look inwards. We don't
have to actually say, wait, why am I pouring so
much out when I don't care about me? Unfortunately, we've
been taught that it's easier to value people and to
pursue people, and to desire people and to be stuck
(06:45):
on people than it is to love me. And that's
a scary thing because this is a normal thing in
our culture where we just fall into this trap of
making other people the center point of everything we do.
And I'm not saying that's a thing. This is good
to love people. It's important to people, and you should
desire to give and to care about people. But the
(07:06):
problem comes when we make that the center point of everything,
when they become the factor of our whole lives, like
everything that we pull into, and then we have no
actual value for ourselves. So when they don't validate us,
we're if we feel bad, we feel like we're worthless
because you've been invalidated. You need to be able to
learn how important you are and start valuing you, because
(07:27):
unfortunately we'll continue to let people walk over us. We
don't know our value, we don't have self worth. It's
easy to let people say whatever they want about us.
And I just want you to ask yourself this question.
How am I letting people say whatever they want to
me and me not actually standing up to myself? Is it?
And what I mean by that, it's like right, because
it might be verbal right. It literally might be like
they're saying something to you. But sometimes it's an action.
(07:49):
Sometimes people tell you what they want to tell you
by the things that they do or don't do. Am
I actually creating boundaries with myself that push people away?
And this is this is scary because we don't want
people to leave us. We've attached our value to their validation,
and we think that their presence is validation. And I
need you to understand that when you are firm in
your boundaries, people will leave you. They'll walk away from you.
(08:12):
Why because they aren't able to manipulate or control who
you are and how you feel, so it's harder for
them to stay around. But this is okay, this is
good at night. And again I don't mean there's in
the toxic way, which is funny enough, we'll talk about next.
But I don't mean this in a way where you're
sitting here and just you know, attacking people or berating
people or anything of that nature. But being firm in
you that you don't allow people to continue to treat
(08:32):
you any type of way, or act poorly against you,
or make you feel like you're lesson in those manners.
When you are firm in that, people will leave. They
will leave because they're so used to being able to
control you, to manipulate you, to take that value from
you and pour it on themselves. So am I stopping
people from or or creating boundaries with people that stops
(08:52):
them from allowing them to treat me however they want,
or make me feel however they want, or say whatever
they want. And yes, this again, romance relationships are great. Yes,
it's important to fits there, but also friendships like people
around me are my friends generally my friends? Or is
it something of convenience? Or am I just validating something
in them by them and validating me that allows them
to feel power or authority over me. When you start
(09:14):
saying no, I'm not going to be okay with people
speaking to me however they want, that's when you start
creating those that a friction, those boundaries. Our next point
is toxic people in isolation. I think this was tough
because isolation is a huge tool that people use to
manipulate you, like the whole premise of is Then we
hear this often, right and now, and I say this
(09:35):
often if I'm not invited personally, I don't take it personally,
but I also won't make it out of my way
to try to make you invite me, or to include
means or make me a part of it, right, because
what happens is that sometimes we give authority to people
by desiring so much and that same point right, that
our value is tied to it, but desiring so much
to be included or invited that them not inviting us
(09:55):
physically hurts us. Them not including us in things physically
hurts us. Because people love to create this dichotomy between
you and them that it's easy to use you or
to control you by how they treat you. So if
you're invited or welcomed, you're gonna feel a spike indorphins, right,
You're gonna feel like, oh, I'm a part of this.
The hormones is gonna make you feel good. But when
you're not, it creates the separation that makes you feel
(10:20):
like you're missing them. This is actually really common with
love bombing. You hear this very often with people who
are in relationships that are well love bombed, because narcissists
are very good at giving you spikes and hormones make
you feel like you're loved and invited and included, and
then what they do is that they pull that away
from you. So when they pull that away from you,
you have created this connection, this desire to feel that again.
(10:42):
And this is again this is not just romantic relationships
but again really common in it, but even friendships. They
desire to pull that away from you, and they create
arguments or fights, or distance or completely ignore you and
then come out of nowhere and desire to be connected
to you again. Now again this is not like people
are busy and they're living their lives. Those are all
important things to understand, important factors, but this is more
(11:03):
focused sorts of the reality that these people who will
create isolation or distance or space where you are away
from everything else in efforts to control you. And some
people do it consciously, which I think is worse. Some
people do subconsciously. They're not aware of the things that
they haven't healed in themselves, so they follow trends and
patterns that are common to them or that have been
done to them. We have to realize that when people
(11:24):
create this isolation, it is again that self value. If
you have value in yourself, if you created boundaries in yourself.
If you love you that that doesn't affect you, right,
because I'm not concerned about you not loving me. I
love me. I'm not concerned about you inviting me because
I'm perfectly good with my own presence. Everything else should
be an add on. It shouldn't be the center point
of how you feel about yourself or what you do.
(11:45):
You have to be able to understand that you aren't
valued or your value isn't found in them, right, It's
not found in other people, It's found in you. And
when that happens, you take away that power. Right. They
can't manipulity or in the words they say without the actions,
they can't control you by creating isolation in you, and
there's not toxic enough to even seep into you. You've
(12:06):
created a barrier that's so firm that they don't have
that power over you. And that's when it's okay to
create space. And when you identify that and people, it's
easy to say, Okay, I don't want to be around you.
It's okay to let go of those people. It's okay
to create space with them because you don't really need them.
It's all right to move away from these people that
whether again romantic or platonic or family, but whatever whatever
(12:29):
they are, whatever they fit into this category, it's okay
to walk away from people that desire to control you
through manipulation or tactics or anything of that nature. That
it's not about loving you, it's about using you. And
you need to be able to love you so much
that to move away from these people. Now, this is
the hardest portion of this because moving away and actually
(12:49):
taking the action and stepping away from people and cutting
off connection and all these things is hard. It's not
an easy thing to choose. It's not something that you're
gonna sit there and you're gonna say, oh, this is
exactly what I want, so I'm just gonna do no. Yes,
you might want it, but it's not going to be
a simple thing as that. You have to really sit
here and plan how you're going to create the space.
So creating space between people that you know are bad
(13:10):
for you, that are hurting you, are that aren't helping you,
that aren't helping you grow relationship that's really poor, that's
not actually what's serving you that you guys don't he
envision whatever that is. You need to be able to
understand how to create that separation. And often that separation
can only come through us. Right. Even if there's situations
that I've seen people break up of a relationship, Right,
(13:32):
so they desire to go away from that. But what
the problem is that they continue to stock the person's
Instagram or follow them on social media, or connect with
them or still text them here Merry Christmas or happy
New Year, at least whatever those things are. If you
consistently continue to go back, you will consistently continue to
be stuck. You cannot go back into something and then
expect for it to just be happy. Right, It's just
(13:54):
not gonna work that way, because you are choosing to
go back into the cycle. You're choosing to remain connected,
You're choosing to stay around. Unfortunately, you have to plan
ways to safeguard you. If you have to block and
delete and change, do it. If you have to unfollow
and block and all these things, do it. But you
can't continue to go back to the place that hurts
you and wonder why you didn't heal. You can't go
(14:16):
back to the thing that consistently made you feel terrible
and then wonder why you haven't changed. Because you are
going back to the thing that you know you have
to leave. But unfortunately, for a lot of people, they
have made their value so much to it that even
when they know, even when they're aware that they're not
validated by them, they still choose to look for that.
(14:37):
You have to be able to be concrete in what
you want and choose it every day until it becomes easy.
That's like the hugest life lesson you will ever hear.
And that's something for everything, something I'm trying to apply
in other areas of my personal life. You have to
choose the really hard now so that it can become
easier tomorrow. It doesn't become significantly easier, but it becomes
a fragment easier, and each fragment adds up until it's
completely easier. But you have to choose to walk away
(15:00):
from the place that you're not valued or loved, and
if you don't, you'll consistently be stuck in a place
that's hurting you. So choosing to let go that's the
hardest thing you ever do, but it'll be the best
thing for you. It'll be the best thing that would
happen to your life because you are able to just
trust that you're moving into a new season, you'll be
able to do something. You'll be able to fully be
(15:21):
you without the crutches of begging people to choose you,
or approve you, or love you, or begging people to
do the simple things that they should desire to do. Unfortunately,
we'll continue to go around circles begging people see us
because we don't see us, because we don't value ourselves,
because we've given authority to them. You deserve the freedom
(15:43):
of being you, but that will never happen if you
continue to go back to a place where you're a captive.
You have to choose to walk away and trust that
it's going to work out.
There's a reason why holding on is killing you. Like
we think that holding on is helping us, and the
reality is that it's hurting us. It's not allowing us
to move into what's real and to what we deserve
and what we need, because we become so fixated with
thinking that if we hold on longer, that if we're persistent,
or if we show up more, if we do more
of what was a reading that value, that eventually they're
going to value it. Unfortunately, too many of us continue
(00:21):
to stay in things just because we've invested time into it,
because we've made a mistake, and we think that I've
done this for so many years that I have to
keep pressing in. And there's something called the sun can
cost fallacy, which I've mentioned in other videos and mentioned
other things, but so important to understand that a lot
of people think this fallacy is teaching us that a
lot of people believe that because they've invested time into
(00:41):
a situation, even though it's failing and burning out and terrible,
that they have to consistently pour into it, that they
have to press harder, they have to continue because again,
you've invested all this time. So you think that just
because you've invested all this time in it, that you
can't just walk away or run away. But I want
you to think about it this way, right, And that's
our first first thing there, right, recognizing when to let go.
(01:03):
I want you to think about it this way. If
you continue to press more, are you gonna lose more?
Or are you gonna gain anything? Like? Is it you're
investing more time in something that's clearly shown you that
it's not gonna work, doesn't desire you, that doesn't want
you around. Is it ever gonna improve? And we're sitting
here we think that, well, Okay, if I wait till
next year, if I keep pushing on, if I do
(01:24):
the next thing, that if I keep investing more time
into this hole, that eventually they're gonna see my worth
and my value. The truth is that they won't because
they didn't value it before. You don't need to show
more of you for them to see what they already
saw and valuate. They know what you are, they've seen
who you are. The question isn't do they value? The
question is do you value? Like? Do you wake up
(01:46):
and say, Okay, I'm done pouring into this because it's
not growing me. I'm miserable, I'm hurt, I'm not where
I want to be in And the reality is that
we shouldn't continue to pour into places or people that
aren't giving us anything back. And I don't me And again,
no relationship shouldver be about what you're getting, but there
should be a level of reciprocity. There should be a
level of you pouring into somebody that pours back into you,
(02:07):
because of what happens is when you pour and they
don't pour back, you end up emptying her. So the
question there, just because you've spent so much time making
a mistake, it doesn't mean you have to marry the mistake.
Just because you've invested so much time in there doesn't
mean you have to continue to stay in that thing.
You have to at some point sit back and realize,
is this worth me pursuing and the time that I've invested,
(02:30):
the effort that I made, Is this actually something that
I'm going to sit here and say, you know what
it was worth it? Or am I just married to
an idea or a story that I've told myself that
makes me remain there? It makes me stay in this
thing because because I sell it to me, I put
it on the pedestal. I've created this, and I refuse
to let go and move away from it. I refuse
(02:52):
to step back and actually say, Okay, well, you know,
the time I invested here was beautiful and it was there,
but it's now gone. We need to be able to
understand that sometimes you need to cut your losses and
walk away. Sometimes you need to face take it for
face value, take it for what it is, and move
away from this thing, because if not, you'll continue to
(03:14):
remain in what's hurting you. You'll allow what's hurting you
to be your home, and it's just not a way
to live. Just because you've spent so much time doing
it doesn't mean you have to continue. It's because you
spend so much time in the relationship doesn't mean you
have to continue. Just because you spend so much time
making mistakes or failing or falling short doesn't mean you
have to continue. Understanding that just because you've invested time
(03:35):
in something doesn't mean that that thing is worth you
investing more. Our next pera is identifying manipulation. This is
a tough one. I think for a lot of people.
We allow our wounds to be tools in the hands
of those people that desire to manipulate this right because
for some people, like people pleasing right, the desire for approval,
Because I haven't received approval in certain situations in my
life for a certain places in my life, I think
(03:57):
that receiving approval from a person or the romantic partner
or just friendship or whatever, I think that that is
a validation that I need. Because we've tied our self
worth to them. We've allowed ourselves to be manipulated because
we think that who we are is only gauge in
value to what they say or do. Unfortunately, for a
lot of us, we've allowed people to say things and
(04:18):
make those things that we attached to you. But ask
yourself this question, are the actions matching the words? Like,
they can say whatever they want. They can tell you
that they love you, that you're amazing, that you're all
these great things, But what are they actually doing, Like,
are their actions genuinely authentically showing the words that they're saying,
or they're doing something completely the opposite of that at
that point, that's manipulation. Or they're telling you, oh, I
(04:39):
want this with you, I desire you this in my life,
I desire you in this world. But then they do
nothing for that to be true. They make no effort
to actually try and engage with you, or grow with you,
or build with you. That's manipulation. You need to understand
that when people say things and do nothing, they are
desiring to get an emotion out of you without giving
you a commitment. They're not doing anything that's genuinely connecting
(05:00):
to you. They're choosing to tell you things because they
know that it's easy to buy you by love bombing you,
by creating a connection with you that's only through words
and not through actions. They're manipulating you. And unfortunately, we
aren't able to identify a manipulation because we've equated validation
with desire. We've created that people treat us some type
(05:22):
of way because they want us, and unfortunately that's not
the case. And who do we continue to fall into
these ruts of just letting people say things to us
and us selling ourselves a story of what it could
be and then not actually following through. They're not fulfilling
the things that they're saying. So I need you to
ask yourself this question. Am I being manipulated? Like? Am
I hearing words? Are they telling me things? But are
(05:43):
they doing nothing about it? Are they changing, are they
making efforts? Are they actually inviting me to things? Are
they making me feel welcomed their loved or is it
just when I speak up or say something about it
that they say a word about it. You have to
realize that that is manipulation, them not doing the action
but saying the word. They can tell you they love
you and I'm sure you are amazing, but do they
(06:04):
actually do anything to prove it? Like words are one thing,
but allowing yourself to actually be invested in and love
to owe fully will only come from a person that
genuinely desires that, not a person that's just going to
say these things. And again, it's tied to how we
view ourselves, So our self works tends to be tied
to the validation and how they see us. So moving
on to that next point, valuing yourself, the reality is
(06:25):
that we don't value ourselves. Like for a lot of us,
it's easier to stay in something that requires us to
give because we don't have to look inwards. We don't
have to actually say, wait, why am I pouring so
much out when I don't care about me? Unfortunately, we've
been taught that it's easier to value people and to
pursue people, and to desire people and to be stuck
(06:45):
on people than it is to love me. And that's
a scary thing because this is a normal thing in
our culture where we just fall into this trap of
making other people the center point of everything we do.
And I'm not saying that's a thing. This is good
to love people. It's important to people, and you should
desire to give and to care about people. But the
(07:06):
problem comes when we make that the center point of everything,
when they become the factor of our whole lives, like
everything that we pull into, and then we have no
actual value for ourselves. So when they don't validate us,
we're if we feel bad, we feel like we're worthless
because you've been invalidated. You need to be able to
learn how important you are and start valuing you, because
(07:27):
unfortunately we'll continue to let people walk over us. We
don't know our value, we don't have self worth. It's
easy to let people say whatever they want about us.
And I just want you to ask yourself this question.
How am I letting people say whatever they want to
me and me not actually standing up to myself? Is it?
And what I mean by that, it's like right, because
it might be verbal right. It literally might be like
they're saying something to you. But sometimes it's an action.
(07:49):
Sometimes people tell you what they want to tell you
by the things that they do or don't do. Am
I actually creating boundaries with myself that push people away?
And this is this is scary because we don't want
people to leave us. We've attached our value to their validation,
and we think that their presence is validation. And I
need you to understand that when you are firm in
your boundaries, people will leave you. They'll walk away from you.
(08:12):
Why because they aren't able to manipulate or control who
you are and how you feel, so it's harder for
them to stay around. But this is okay, this is
good at night. And again I don't mean there's in
the toxic way, which is funny enough, we'll talk about next.
But I don't mean this in a way where you're
sitting here and just you know, attacking people or berating
people or anything of that nature. But being firm in
you that you don't allow people to continue to treat
(08:32):
you any type of way, or act poorly against you,
or make you feel like you're lesson in those manners.
When you are firm in that, people will leave. They
will leave because they're so used to being able to
control you, to manipulate you, to take that value from
you and pour it on themselves. So am I stopping
people from or or creating boundaries with people that stops
(08:52):
them from allowing them to treat me however they want,
or make me feel however they want, or say whatever
they want. And yes, this again, romance relationships are great. Yes,
it's important to fits there, but also friendships like people
around me are my friends generally my friends? Or is
it something of convenience? Or am I just validating something
in them by them and validating me that allows them
to feel power or authority over me. When you start
(09:14):
saying no, I'm not going to be okay with people
speaking to me however they want, that's when you start
creating those that a friction, those boundaries. Our next point
is toxic people in isolation. I think this was tough
because isolation is a huge tool that people use to
manipulate you, like the whole premise of is Then we
hear this often, right and now, and I say this
(09:35):
often if I'm not invited personally, I don't take it personally,
but I also won't make it out of my way
to try to make you invite me, or to include
means or make me a part of it, right, because
what happens is that sometimes we give authority to people
by desiring so much and that same point right, that
our value is tied to it, but desiring so much
to be included or invited that them not inviting us
(09:55):
physically hurts us. Them not including us in things physically
hurts us. Because people love to create this dichotomy between
you and them that it's easy to use you or
to control you by how they treat you. So if
you're invited or welcomed, you're gonna feel a spike indorphins, right,
You're gonna feel like, oh, I'm a part of this.
The hormones is gonna make you feel good. But when
you're not, it creates the separation that makes you feel
(10:20):
like you're missing them. This is actually really common with
love bombing. You hear this very often with people who
are in relationships that are well love bombed, because narcissists
are very good at giving you spikes and hormones make
you feel like you're loved and invited and included, and
then what they do is that they pull that away
from you. So when they pull that away from you,
you have created this connection, this desire to feel that again.
(10:42):
And this is again this is not just romantic relationships
but again really common in it, but even friendships. They
desire to pull that away from you, and they create
arguments or fights, or distance or completely ignore you and
then come out of nowhere and desire to be connected
to you again. Now again this is not like people
are busy and they're living their lives. Those are all
important things to understand, important factors, but this is more
(11:03):
focused sorts of the reality that these people who will
create isolation or distance or space where you are away
from everything else in efforts to control you. And some
people do it consciously, which I think is worse. Some
people do subconsciously. They're not aware of the things that
they haven't healed in themselves, so they follow trends and
patterns that are common to them or that have been
done to them. We have to realize that when people
(11:24):
create this isolation, it is again that self value. If
you have value in yourself, if you created boundaries in yourself.
If you love you that that doesn't affect you, right,
because I'm not concerned about you not loving me. I
love me. I'm not concerned about you inviting me because
I'm perfectly good with my own presence. Everything else should
be an add on. It shouldn't be the center point
of how you feel about yourself or what you do.
(11:45):
You have to be able to understand that you aren't
valued or your value isn't found in them, right, It's
not found in other people, It's found in you. And
when that happens, you take away that power. Right. They
can't manipulity or in the words they say without the actions,
they can't control you by creating isolation in you, and
there's not toxic enough to even seep into you. You've
(12:06):
created a barrier that's so firm that they don't have
that power over you. And that's when it's okay to
create space. And when you identify that and people, it's
easy to say, Okay, I don't want to be around you.
It's okay to let go of those people. It's okay
to create space with them because you don't really need them.
It's all right to move away from these people that
whether again romantic or platonic or family, but whatever whatever
(12:29):
they are, whatever they fit into this category, it's okay
to walk away from people that desire to control you
through manipulation or tactics or anything of that nature. That
it's not about loving you, it's about using you. And
you need to be able to love you so much
that to move away from these people. Now, this is
the hardest portion of this because moving away and actually
(12:49):
taking the action and stepping away from people and cutting
off connection and all these things is hard. It's not
an easy thing to choose. It's not something that you're
gonna sit there and you're gonna say, oh, this is
exactly what I want, so I'm just gonna do no. Yes,
you might want it, but it's not going to be
a simple thing as that. You have to really sit
here and plan how you're going to create the space.
So creating space between people that you know are bad
(13:10):
for you, that are hurting you, are that aren't helping you,
that aren't helping you grow relationship that's really poor, that's
not actually what's serving you that you guys don't he
envision whatever that is. You need to be able to
understand how to create that separation. And often that separation
can only come through us. Right. Even if there's situations
that I've seen people break up of a relationship, Right,
(13:32):
so they desire to go away from that. But what
the problem is that they continue to stock the person's
Instagram or follow them on social media, or connect with
them or still text them here Merry Christmas or happy
New Year, at least whatever those things are. If you
consistently continue to go back, you will consistently continue to
be stuck. You cannot go back into something and then
expect for it to just be happy. Right, It's just
(13:54):
not gonna work that way, because you are choosing to
go back into the cycle. You're choosing to remain connected,
You're choosing to stay around. Unfortunately, you have to plan
ways to safeguard you. If you have to block and
delete and change, do it. If you have to unfollow
and block and all these things, do it. But you
can't continue to go back to the place that hurts
you and wonder why you didn't heal. You can't go
(14:16):
back to the thing that consistently made you feel terrible
and then wonder why you haven't changed. Because you are
going back to the thing that you know you have
to leave. But unfortunately, for a lot of people, they
have made their value so much to it that even
when they know, even when they're aware that they're not
validated by them, they still choose to look for that.
(14:37):
You have to be able to be concrete in what
you want and choose it every day until it becomes easy.
That's like the hugest life lesson you will ever hear.
And that's something for everything, something I'm trying to apply
in other areas of my personal life. You have to
choose the really hard now so that it can become
easier tomorrow. It doesn't become significantly easier, but it becomes
a fragment easier, and each fragment adds up until it's
completely easier. But you have to choose to walk away
(15:00):
from the place that you're not valued or loved, and
if you don't, you'll consistently be stuck in a place
that's hurting you. So choosing to let go that's the
hardest thing you ever do, but it'll be the best
thing for you. It'll be the best thing that would
happen to your life because you are able to just
trust that you're moving into a new season, you'll be
able to do something. You'll be able to fully be
(15:21):
you without the crutches of begging people to choose you,
or approve you, or love you, or begging people to
do the simple things that they should desire to do. Unfortunately,
we'll continue to go around circles begging people see us
because we don't see us, because we don't value ourselves,
because we've given authority to them. You deserve the freedom
(15:43):
of being you, but that will never happen if you
continue to go back to a place where you're a captive.
You have to choose to walk away and trust that
it's going to work out.
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