December 11, 2025 • 31 mins
Why do we cling to relationships, jobs, and situations long after they’ve stopped serving us? In this episode, we break down the psychology of attachment and why we confuse familiarity with safety. You’ll learn how your brain tricks you into holding on, why your story keeps you stuck, and what it really costs you when you can’t let go. This isn’t just about romantic breakups; it’s about friendships, careers, identities, and anything you’ve outgrown.
One of the biggest fears we have, whether conscious or not, is that we are inadequate. it’s that we aren’t seen or liked, and for most of us, that either makes us severely depressed or makes us fight to be seen in places like people pleasing or needing to be wanted
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Most attachment is really rooted in one thing. The things
that we couldn't heal, the things that we couldn't fix,
the things we couldn't save, those things, the things that
we were neighbor never able to control fully. Those are
the things that cause attachment to us. And the series
that we're diving into, the short series, comes from these
conversations that I've had with people, because myself, all of
us included, I feel like there's stages where we all
(00:20):
go into things where we desire an outcome, where we
have a vision of what it's going to look like,
or we can anticipate almost the future of it, the
life of it. So we create such attachment to these
things because in our mind it's there in our lives
and our career and the things that we studied for
the workforce that we went into, the romantic relationships that
we were in, the familiar or family relationship with the philia,
(00:43):
the right kind of love. We create a story and
we don't detach because we're still attached to what could be.
We have this imagination of our future in a place
that's probably never going to exist. So let's look at
that this has made for this mountain with Josh Rosa,
or we're turning pain into purpose. So this mountain of attachment,
(01:05):
we're gonna be looking at different parts of the series.
So in this series, it's gonna be three part series. Worry.
The reason that there's gonna be three part series is
because there's so much here, and it's really difficult to
sit here and unpack these things and have these conversations
and just draw these thoughts in our minds just in
one session, in one episode.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
And I don't want.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
You to ever think that all your solutions are gonna
come from like social media, that they're all gonna come
from podcasts, they're all gonna come even from like therapy
with one on one person, or they're not always going
to come from one single source. The way we grow,
the way we heal, the way we detach, the way
we become better is through a process of accepting truths
(01:44):
and things from different places and then coming to our
own hearts and our own minds and then making something
out of that. No one can fix anything for you.
No one's gonna change the outcome of your life. No
one's gonna change the relationships that you should be or
shouldn't be, And no one's gonna change the way you
feel about something. At the end of the day, everything
is in your core and there's so much power in them.
(02:06):
There's so much authority in knowing that you have the
final say, that you have the word as to what's
going to be changed or fixed or done, and what
continues and what doesn't. Now, regaining that power, regaining that understanding,
coming to that reality, that's the hard part. That's where
a lot of a struggle because we haven't conditioned ourselves
(02:26):
enough to know this. So when we talk about detachment
and this mountain of attachment, we're gonna have to look
at where it stems from. We like, why we hold
on to certain things in this first episode is why
we hold on, right, So the roots of attachment and attachment.
So we have this this concept in our lives where
we want to build. So you're human, right, let's just
(02:47):
stick it to the simplest form as a person, As
a human innately, naturally you have this desire to.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Build, something, to grow, to create.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
It comes naturally out of Some of us are more
in tune, more active with those things. Some of us
are right, we find it really difficult to get the
motor started or we find that hard to get past
those barriers. But everyone has it. And for those of
us that are easily flowing in that, it's kind of
easier to adapt in certain things, and for those of
us are struggling in that, it becomes a little harder
to adapt anywhere else.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Because we don't know this.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
About ourselves yet. We don't really see ourselves as creatives.
We don't really see ourselves as creating something. We don't
really see growth. But when we finally have a route
that breaks out of that wall and it attaches to something,
it becomes really difficult to break off from it because
in your mind, you finally are in something that you
can envision.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
In your mind, you.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
See potential, you see growth. But the problem is that
we can't marry potential. We can't build on potential. You
can't build on potential income, you can't build on a
potential home plot, you can't build unpotential. Potential is good,
Potential is important, and I'm not discrediting it. I am
just saying we have to be very cautious and discerning
where it's potential and where it's waste.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Where we're gonna look.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
It's something and invests years of our lives to then
feel like we're empty and broken because repoured into a
place that had no intention of pouring back. We saw
potential and we ran with it. So understanding that we
hold on to things that sometimes we've become attached to,
even if it's really small and minuscule. It's going to
(04:20):
cause a lot of heartbreak to cut that piece off,
but knowing that you have so much more everywhere else,
this is a hard part. So we hold on to
things because we finally made some level of attachment. We
cling onto relationships, to jobs and situations longer after they
even stopped serving us. In this episode, that's where we're
breaking down this reality of the things that you're still
(04:43):
holding onto and why they're so familiar, Because I think
at the core of everything, a lot of reasons that
we stay in places not just because we finally saw
us break through that whole and because build that attachment,
but a lot of the reasons we say in certain
things is familiarity, chronic relationships, chronic dating with people who
are just not good for us. Like we tend to
(05:07):
see the same person that we couldn't save in someone
else and a different person. So what happens is that
we create this bond of attachment to these people thinking
that it will be able to satisfy that desire of
saving someone. And it's not always romantic. I want to
be clear, Like you see this, Freud will be very
happy with this statement right now. You see it in
(05:28):
romantic relationships. There are people that date people and they
have so much relationship to like their father wounds and
their mother wounds, and they see those things and they
try to mitigate and save that in other people. Now,
I want to be clear, I even I have been
blamed about that. I'm not saying where one, but even
I've been blamed of dating people or dating at least
(05:48):
one person who has similar attributes right in life, not
physical but like characteristics and stuff like that. No, in
my case, no, so those few friends that are sitting
in my situation, that's not the case. But we have
fallen into these consistent things where we are creating this
(06:09):
type of connection. So to be clear, I speak from
this from a point of experience because I do understand
how that looks in this premises, but I want it
to be understanding that we can see things that other
people might see and understand that we don't need to
adjust or address, but to be clear in our intentions
(06:30):
and what we see and what we accept. So I
got to mention that because I love to use myself
as an example as an example, and because I don't
think anyone's bar from it, like I don't think any
of us are free from the fact that we do,
unfortunately fall into those situations. But they're not always the case.
There are situations, but we need to understand what is
tied to something that reminds us of someone else, or
(06:51):
something that reminds us of us that we couldn't fix
or heal, so we hold on to it in other people.
And we'll talk a little bit more about that after
this real quick commercial break. One of the biggest fears
that we have, whether conscious or not, is that we
are inadequate.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
There's a poem like that.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
We might have heard it in I forget the name
of that movie about basketball, but Coach Carter that was
the name of the movie. And we have this fear
that we will never live up to be enough, that
we will never be good enough, that we will never
be smart enough, that will never be pretty enough, that
will never show up enough, that we won't have enough money.
There are so many things that we are afraid of,
(07:28):
and the fear of inadequacy actually stops us from striving
into anything else. Like one big reason that we hold
on to really bad situations in work or at school
or relationships, which is always the sadest one of them all,
is because we think that we won't find better. Like
we think that we're not going to improve. We think
that the next thing in our lives is not going
(07:50):
to be better than what we have now. We would
rather suffer with the devil we know than grow from
the devil we don't.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
We then deal with that component with it.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
We look at this situation and are in adequacies or
our thought of inadequacy ruins everything else for us.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I think for a.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Lot of people, we're so afraid of everything else, of
the next stage, of the next step, of failing, of
looking dumb, of being alone and not We're so afraid
of those things that we hold on for dear life
to the thing that's killing us. And this is the irony,
This is like the most ironic portion of this. And
(08:27):
we stay in something that will never ever let us
live in fear that will die somewhere else, And I
just want to pose this question before we even go
into our points and diving deeper into this component. I
just want you to think about this. Is it better
to be stuck where you are now, like the place
you're struggling to move from? Whether Again, this is not
(08:48):
just about relationships. Again, I just say it all the
time because there's a conversations that I have often and
I know that a lot of people are looking and
seeking for those things, and they are important and there's
value to it and there's truth to it. But I
need you to ask yourself this question, is better to
die here where I am now or to die somewhere
else away from this knowing that I actually moved somewhere else,
that actually did something, that I grew, that I took
(09:10):
the next job, that I took the leap of faith,
and I left the really toxic relationships that I was
dealing with, not just romantic, plutonic whatever it is friendships.
Is it better to stay in what's killing you than
to potentially thrive and live somewhere else just because you're
afraid of that next step? And I know I'm not
saying it's easy. We say it all the time, it's
easy to say hard to do, but the reality is
(09:32):
that it will be hard to live for the rest
of your life in this very same place because you
thought that it was easier just to stay there. At
some point you just quit. You let go of the
things that you've made you a slave. You let go
of that desire for attention, or rather lack of attention.
For a lot of us, who kills us is the
fact that we want We want their attention. We want
(09:55):
them to see us, we want them to love us,
we want them.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
To see what we have to offer.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
For what's killing us deeply inside is that we know
we can do all these things that we offer, all
these things that we are this person that they would need.
But at the end of the day, I need you
to understand, the person that needs you is not the
person that will ignore you. The person that will love
and pour fully into is not the person that you
have to beg to see you. I need you to
understand that you are worth more than breadcrumbs. You're worth
(10:23):
more than the convenient attention that's offered there. And we
won't let go of anything of anyone until we realize
that we're worth so much more And every person that
has lived on this earth deserves that. No matter where
you are in your life, no matter the mistakes you've made,
the stages that you're in, the growth that you're doing,
(10:45):
you deserve fullness. You deserve love, and we're afraid to
step into We keep holding onto the bare minimum because
we think that that's the maximum. Wherever get You've been
conditioned to believe that you're not worth more, and I
need you to understand that is a lie. Today, like this,
(11:06):
there's a lie. This stronghold that's been over your life
needs to be broken because you were created in a
way that was unique, special and purposeful. And if you're
going to continue to live under that, then the pressure
of who you were meant to be is going to
crush where you want to stay. The reality of who
you can be is what hurts your heart so much,
(11:27):
because you know what you're capable of, you know where
you could go to. You know that the things that
you're holding onto are not holding you back, they're pulling
you down. They're not just giving you positive enforcement.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
But they're pulling you completely down.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
So what we hold on to these things, the reason
we're so attached, the reason we don't detach is because
we're still holding on to the thought of potential. We're
holding on the thought of our own fears, we're holding
on toxicity. So let's dive into these things. Why do
we hold on? Why do we make it so difficult?
(12:03):
You don't stay because it's good. You stay because it's familiar,
like you don't stay in a relationship that's unhealthy for
you because it's good. You stay because you know it,
because you know you're accustomed to the routine, You're accustomed
to what they're going to say. You're afraid to leave
because you know that that person has been there consistently,
(12:25):
whether bad or good, for that time frame. And even
though they're not showing up for a lot of us,
how we need them to show up for us? For
us in our mind, we've convinced ourselves to the fact
that they're showing up is enough. And it's not just
because there's a body there, It doesn't mean that there's
love there.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Just because they're.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Using you for certain things does not mean that you're
actually valued. Unfortunately, we'll stay in things that are killing
us because we're afraid to walk away. You'll keep holding
on and you'll never detach because you're making this connection
deeper and deeper and deeper, and just rooted in something
that doesn't actually have substance. Most times, we stay because
(13:05):
we already know the pain. The pain we know is
easier to deal with the pain that we don't know,
and we think to ourselves, well, this is already what
I'm expecting, so I can't hurt anymore. But here, why
would you want to live.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
A life like that?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
A life where you have to suffer just to be
a present of a person. We stay because we're afraid
to move and what's out there. We're afraid of the
next stages out there. We stay because the toughest thought
we have is starting over, Like we think, what's gonna
happen that I promise you that starting over it's less
scary than staying under something. Starting over is gonna be
(13:42):
less scary than being in this state, and that's obviously
killing you. So you have to ask yourself these questions,
what do you really want? Like if I were to
ask if we're having this conversation, we're having this conversation now,
maybe it's only one sided because I'm sharing it with
you and hopefully something's being I own and developed and
thought with with you. But why do you what do
(14:03):
you really want? Like in your career, in your relationships,
in your world and the things that you're doing. I
need you to sit down with a thought and ask yourself,
what do I really want? Is this person what I
really want? And I'm not saying it's easy again, I
speak from experience when I say these things. This is
why I'm so grateful to God that I have all
these struggles in my life, because the struggles are a
(14:26):
point of conversation that I can understand deeper. I've struggled
with these things myself, and I've struggled with looking at
things that I knew were not healthy and not good
for me. And I had to sit down and say
what do I really want? Like is this what I
really want? And even if you don't make the change
completely right away, right not today, Maybe it's something that's
going to take time to process. My physical fit is
I'm trying to work out harder, to go into the gym,
(14:48):
all these things, but what do I really want? Do
I want this or do I want to change? And
I have to make a decision and say that if
this is what I really want, but this is the
hard part. Now I have to be consistently reminding myself
of what I really want to point that if it's
hard to change today, the constant reminder of it chips
away of everything. What do you really want? Do you
(15:09):
want to stay there? Are you happy there? Are you joyful?
Are you growing? Are you purposeful?
Speaker 2 (15:14):
In this thing? Now?
Speaker 1 (15:16):
I ask yourself, is this lifestyle or is this person?
Is this career, it's this family member, it's this friendship?
Do they match that?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Like?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Are they edifying and growing and loving me to a
point where I'm going to be that thing? Or am
I just causing myself more hurt because I'm trying to
force them to be in this life of mine in
a way that they can't show up, in a way
that they don't show up? What do you really want?
(15:47):
Do they match that? And finally, are you the person.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
With them?
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Are you that person with them? Like? Are you the
best version of you? Are you purposeful? Are you growing?
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Are you? Are you firm?
Speaker 1 (16:00):
The career that you're in is is it really bringing
the best person that you are out? I think for
a lot a lot of us, we're afraid to leave people,
to walk away from people. And this is again everything
now just romantic relationships, but even friendships, Like I think
sometimes we try to force friendships to stay because we're
afraid of a life without them. Like, one of the
(16:21):
hardest breakups you will ever have is not even a
romantic relationship. It's a friendship, like people that you anticipated
to be around in different facets of your life for
that long, knowing and realizing that they can't even come
to the stages you're in now. And it's not about
like be for hating them or anything like that. It's
understanding that when we grow, sometimes we separate. Like we
(16:42):
might have started and it might have been like a tree,
we started near the same route, but at some point
we went different ways, and the left limb of the
tree doesn't hate the right limb of the tree. They're
just distant and it's okay to be separated. And I
think we struggle with that because we think that we
have to keep everybody close to us around us. It's
not possible. The more you grow, the harder it will
(17:04):
be to even keep up with people. And that's okay,
that's literally a part of life. But knowing that you
don't have to force people to be in places you
don't have to force yourself to change. To keep them
is the most freeing thing you will do. Sometimes the
hardest thing to let go is of the story that
(17:25):
you've told yourself, Like the hardest thing you'll ever have
to let go of is letting go of the narrative
that you've made up in your mind. So we talked
about this mountain of attachment. A lot of times we're
attached to the story more than the person, Like we're
attached more to the thought that we have in our minds.
We're attached to who we made them. We ruminate over
(17:47):
the fact that we've created a whole life with them
in our future, even if we were never even together.
The situationships you see it all the time, where you
create a narrative of like your marriage and your kids
in the career path and where you would move and
car garage and everything in this detail in this story
that your brain now has to forget. And I think
that heartbreak hurts more because you've never actually given yourself
(18:09):
the physical disposition to hurt. You have to now live
with this as a storyline that you've made in your mind.
I think it hurts less to deal with this with
a regular person that you were in a relationship with
and something that you had to grow out of something else.
I think the pain of what could have been hurts
more of the pain of what we went through. I'm
(18:30):
not saying it's more practical or any less hurtful in
terms of time, but it is painful to detach from
a story that you've already made. And I think the
best way that we can ever do this is to
realize that we created the story. That also means we
created the character that they are, and we keep embellishing
(18:50):
this character to make them look good because we don't
want to accept the fact that they are who they
really are, that they hurt us the way they hurt us.
So we stay there because sometimes it's easy to allow
them to look good in our story that it is
to accept the fact that we couldn't judge their character correctly.
Let them be who they are, Let yourself know the
(19:11):
real story of what you're dealing with, and we'll dive
into the rest of us after.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
This quick commercial break.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
The fear of emptiness keeps us tied to things that
we've upgrown, like the fear of not feeling like someone's
validating us or seeing us.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
Or growing with us.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
That fear keeps us tied to places that we shouldn't
be in. There's a famous meme right where they talk
about this horse that's tied to a chair. I'm sure
you've seen, or an elephant ties to a chair. And
the reason that they are that way is because from
birth they've tied them to a chair and they weren't
able to move the chair. But as they grew, they
were more powerful, they were more persistent. There's something they
were tied to that actually has no significance, that doesn't
(19:50):
have enough power to keep them back, but they've been
conditioned so much to stay there that they think that
that thing now has more authority. What if there are
things in your life that you have given more authority
too than it deserves. Like one of the things in
your life that you've created relationships with their connections with
and because of the longevity of it, you've been tied
to it. But the truth is that there's nothing there.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Holding you back.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
In fact, it's not even serving you because it doesn't
allow you to move or grow or change the way.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
You need to.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
But you've been attached to it because you've been attached
to it for so long. You refuse to let go
of this thing because you think that that's a part
of you. It Listen to me, this is one of
those things that we all struggle with.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
In every stage of our lives.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
We have created attachments to people into things that don't
actually have power over us, but we give it to
them because we've allowed them to have authority. You have
power over anything you allow to continue. The reason that
a lot of us are still in this is a
stage of attachment. The reason that we hold on to
(20:52):
these places is not because they're more powerful than us,
but it's because we've allowed them to have power. There's
no one in your life that has authority over you
that you haven't freely given to them. So put those
things through that lens. Are the relationships that I'm in,
the ones that I'm struggling with, the ones that I'm
healing from, the ones that I've been around? Are they
(21:15):
fruitful or am I just attached?
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Like?
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Am I just giving power back to this place? We
will never be able to outgrow the places that we've.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Put ourselves under.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
And I say this often as the relationships are just romantic, right,
they're things that there are people, they're friends, they're family members,
there are places we've lived into. There are people who
are attached to places because of the memories.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
They've had in them.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
They're attached to inadomant objects, and those objects have so
much power over them because they've equated the power of
that attachment to those things. So I asked that question
often whenever I speak to people. Are you attached to
the thing or the memory the person?
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Who?
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Are you attached to the person or the memory? Are
you attached to what you think is there? Or are
you attached to them? And it's easier to heal from
being attached to a person, because if you can step
back and look at it, then you know you can say, Okay,
well this person isn't very good. They're not very they're
not very kind, they're very loving, they're not very gentle
with me, They're not these things, And you can lose
(22:19):
that attachment, not necessarily to the memories, because that's the
hard one. Being we're attached to the memories of certain things.
We hold on to them because we love how it
felt in that moment, and we pit it against how
we're feeling now. So whenever something feels better. You're always
going to lean more towards that. You're always gonna say, man,
(22:40):
it's amazing to feel that way in this place, and
I don't feel like that anymore.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
So I rather hold on to the happy memory than
anything else.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
And for a lot of people, we fall back into
the rut of ruminating over those thoughts of memory, of
just living in that memory and loving that memory more
than the world we're in now, more than the reality
that's directly in front of us. It's important to understand
that you don't have to stay in places just because
(23:11):
you remember something nice. For me, It's okay to have
those memories. It's beautiful to have those memories. It's great
to be able to say, man, I remember how this felt.
But it's also important to understand that that's not where
you are now. That those memories are great and they're good,
but they're not serving you in this place now. Detachment
(23:31):
starts when you realize what's actually costing you to hold on,
like this is gonna hurt here, and I feel like
it hurts anyone. It hurts me to hear it. But
the reality is that the longer we remain in things
that are killing us the things that are hurting us,
the things that don't love us. The longer we hold
on our attachment to these people, to these places, to
these jobs, the longer we miss out on the things
(23:53):
that were good for us, Like the more you push
away the thing that could have been, Because you might
be in a place that you know you're not supp
that you know what's hurting you, that it's killing you,
that it's making you feel horrible, but you hold on
to that because you're holding onto the thought or the memory.
And what happens is that that could have been the
moment that that job was offered to you. There could
have been the moment that next relationship that would have
(24:14):
been your husband or your wife was offered to you.
That that could have been the moment that you were
receiving this next stage in your life. But you were
so busy holding on to this thing that was killing
you that you made sure you miss out on the
thing that was blessing you. You were so busy trying
to force something that obviously is not working. There's not
love you, does not grow with you, does not serve you,
(24:34):
So you're trying to force it to be the thing
that it could have been somewhere else that you miss
out on everything else. What if the reason that we
don't receive the things that we're praying for is because
we're still holding on to the things that were being
damned by. What if the reason that you don't feel
loved and feel purposeful in other things is because you're
still holding on to the thing that's shown you it
(24:54):
never will, but you wanted to. You wanted to change
its stripes to fit the mold that you've There are
some relationships that we deal with, some people that we
deal with that are just never going to be good
for us, and we cause ourselves more hurt trying to
force them to be the things that they would never be.
I need you to understand that this life is way
(25:16):
too short for you to stay attached to things that
do not love, you, do not care for, you do
not serve, you do not grow with you. And I'm
not saying take the easy way out with everything, because
that's not the premise here. You should work, you should try,
you should grow. But if you see psychos being repeated,
then it's your fault for going back into them.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
We need to be able.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
To look at these things and say this is not normal,
it's not okay, so we'll break away from them. The
attachment starts when you realize that it's actually costing you
more to stay than anything else. And then finally, this
is this reality that sometimes our attachment comes to people.
And we've mentioned it before, but I want you to
understand that you don't miss the person who you thought
(26:00):
they were. I echoed that earlier on because I think
this is so important. I think sometimes we cause ourselves
more grief because of our mind than anything else. And
your mind is so powerful, by the way, like your
brain is extreme. Your brain can make up scenarios like
if right now as you're listening to this. And first
of all, thank you for listening to this podcast. I
(26:22):
keep forgetting to do like the whole intro thing where
you tell people to download and to save and to
share and especially download five stars of course, but the
download thing because it helps us keep going. So I
always forget to do those things. So I'm just going
to try to be better and sprinkle them in there,
because again, this is my job, so it's nice to
have that. But thank you for listening, thank you for
being part of this podcast, thank you for being here,
but I want you to think about this now. Your
(26:42):
brain is as powerful it So if I were to
tell you to imagine a red Coca Cola can right
in your brain if you're driving or something, maybe don't
distract yourself, but if you could do it, just do that.
And then I want you to change the background of
that image that you have in your mind and make
it blue, so you.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Have a red co Cola can with a little background.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
And then I want you to imagine an elephant on
top of that can balancing Somehow. Your brain is so
powerful that it can create this entire storylines, this entire
narrative out of nothing, out of then there simply prompts
and commands, and you were able to populate this thought,
well ninety six percent of you, because there are four percent.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Of you that couldn't do that.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
And that's a whole other podcast itself.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
That's how your brain. There are actual people who don't.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Even have thoughts, right they just respond, we're not talking
about that right now, but that's a really good thing
for an episode. But most of you, almost all of you,
we're able to create that. Imagine how powerful your brain is.
Your brain is the most powerful thing in this world.
In that same breath, it's also your biggest enemy because
your brain is very, very bad actual memories. So what
(27:48):
it does is that it tries to populate certain portions
of the memory. It tries to recreate certain things. It
does really good job at staying with sense and stuffing
ol factory, which part of the cranial nerves in your brain,
and it's actually where sent and taste comes from. It
is the strongest memory.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Portion of your brain.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Your brain will do a really good job memorizing things
because of that, but everywhere else it does a really
bad job. It doesn't do a good job of memorizing
actions or feelings or emotions. So what it does is
that it'll take certain things that it believes is going
to serve you best.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
The whole goal is to keep you alive.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
So your brain will tell you something in a situation
that will make you feel like, man, maybe that was
my fault, or maybe I could have did this or
change something differently, and it makes you believe something that
might naven be true. So what I'm saying here, what
I need you to focus on to grow with, is
to tell your brain the truth. Like example, like if
you're sitting here in your memory of remembering a memory,
(28:45):
because you're never a rememory. You're remembering a memory of
a memory. That's how that works. If you're sitting there
and you're ruminating on this, I want you to tell yourself,
Tell your brain, is this person really that?
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Like? Where are they really this they like? Tell us
that the the facts give it to logic. Say no,
but this person.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
You're remembering this person or this job, or whatever it
might be, but particularly here in this person. I want
you to tell your brain. But they didn't actually do
these things for me. They didn't actually love me the
way I needed to be loved. They didn't actually remind
me of who I was. They just reminded me of
how convenient.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
I was to them.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
They didn't show up for me how I needed them
to show up. It didn't show me that they were
this person that I needed them to be. As much
as I might remember the few gestures here and there,
the reality is that they're not who they are. And
it's going to take you a long time of doing
this over and over again because you have to recondition
your brain. You have to teach it that the memories
and the thoughts that it had before aren't the same
(29:41):
ones that they are now. For a lot of us,
we hold on to things.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
We hold on to.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
People to careers, to jobs, to schools, to family members.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
We hold on.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Because the thought of what used to be is so
powerful and we fall in love with the idea, with
the memory, not the person. So we as we dive
into the series of detachment episode two and three, we
kind of talk about how to detach, like actively do.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Things we need to do to attach and what do
we do after? Because I think that's important.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
I just need you to sit with this reality.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
What are you attached to? You?
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Who are you attached to? What's this core principle in
your life that you can't let go over these core
people or these core memories that you can't let go
of that have created just difficulty? And is it actually
even worth the energy that you waste behind it? Like
is this thought even worth that? So again, thank you
(30:42):
for your presence. I can't say and stress it enough.
I'm so grateful that I get to do these episodes.
I'm so grateful for the dms, even though I can't
respond to them all.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
And that's partly.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
A decision, Like there are times where I don't get
like a crazy ball. I do get a lot of dms,
but there are times there's like hundreds of dms it's
just insane. And there are times that's like fifteen or twenty.
But I purposely don't respond to all of them because
I actually try to limit time I spend on social media.
I think it's a good thing, but also I don't
want to pick and choose who would I respond to
(31:17):
and ignore the other hundreds of people, So I just
make it a principle. But I do try to read
at least some of them. I just I'm just so
happy with this podcast, even if again I say, I
see this all the time, and I feel like I
always say, even if it doesn't continue, even if this
is my last season or only season, this is ever up,
I'm just so grateful for it because I've been able
to see you like you that are listening and hear
(31:41):
your voice and hear the amazingness that comes from something
so small to me. And so this is just my
like again, continued gratitude for you and for being president.
Thank you for being on his episode, and we'll continue
the series on the next one, so we'll see you
in the next one,
Most attachment is really rooted in one thing. The things
that we couldn't heal, the things that we couldn't fix,
the things we couldn't save, those things, the things that
we were neighbor never able to control fully. Those are
the things that cause attachment to us. And the series
that we're diving into, the short series, comes from these
conversations that I've had with people, because myself, all of
us included, I feel like there's stages where we all
(00:20):
go into things where we desire an outcome, where we
have a vision of what it's going to look like,
or we can anticipate almost the future of it, the
life of it. So we create such attachment to these
things because in our mind it's there in our lives
and our career and the things that we studied for
the workforce that we went into, the romantic relationships that
we were in, the familiar or family relationship with the philia,
(00:43):
the right kind of love. We create a story and
we don't detach because we're still attached to what could be.
We have this imagination of our future in a place
that's probably never going to exist. So let's look at
that this has made for this mountain with Josh Rosa,
or we're turning pain into purpose. So this mountain of attachment,
(01:05):
we're gonna be looking at different parts of the series.
So in this series, it's gonna be three part series. Worry.
The reason that there's gonna be three part series is
because there's so much here, and it's really difficult to
sit here and unpack these things and have these conversations
and just draw these thoughts in our minds just in
one session, in one episode.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
And I don't want.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
You to ever think that all your solutions are gonna
come from like social media, that they're all gonna come
from podcasts, they're all gonna come even from like therapy
with one on one person, or they're not always going
to come from one single source. The way we grow,
the way we heal, the way we detach, the way
we become better is through a process of accepting truths
(01:44):
and things from different places and then coming to our
own hearts and our own minds and then making something
out of that. No one can fix anything for you.
No one's gonna change the outcome of your life. No
one's gonna change the relationships that you should be or
shouldn't be, And no one's gonna change the way you
feel about something. At the end of the day, everything
is in your core and there's so much power in them.
(02:06):
There's so much authority in knowing that you have the
final say, that you have the word as to what's
going to be changed or fixed or done, and what
continues and what doesn't. Now, regaining that power, regaining that understanding,
coming to that reality, that's the hard part. That's where
a lot of a struggle because we haven't conditioned ourselves
(02:26):
enough to know this. So when we talk about detachment
and this mountain of attachment, we're gonna have to look
at where it stems from. We like, why we hold
on to certain things in this first episode is why
we hold on, right, So the roots of attachment and attachment.
So we have this this concept in our lives where
we want to build. So you're human, right, let's just
(02:47):
stick it to the simplest form as a person, As
a human innately, naturally you have this desire to.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Build, something, to grow, to create.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
It comes naturally out of Some of us are more
in tune, more active with those things. Some of us
are right, we find it really difficult to get the
motor started or we find that hard to get past
those barriers. But everyone has it. And for those of
us that are easily flowing in that, it's kind of
easier to adapt in certain things, and for those of
us are struggling in that, it becomes a little harder
to adapt anywhere else.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Because we don't know this.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
About ourselves yet. We don't really see ourselves as creatives.
We don't really see ourselves as creating something. We don't
really see growth. But when we finally have a route
that breaks out of that wall and it attaches to something,
it becomes really difficult to break off from it because
in your mind, you finally are in something that you
can envision.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
In your mind, you.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
See potential, you see growth. But the problem is that
we can't marry potential. We can't build on potential. You
can't build on potential income, you can't build on a
potential home plot, you can't build unpotential. Potential is good,
Potential is important, and I'm not discrediting it. I am
just saying we have to be very cautious and discerning
where it's potential and where it's waste.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Where we're gonna look.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
It's something and invests years of our lives to then
feel like we're empty and broken because repoured into a
place that had no intention of pouring back. We saw
potential and we ran with it. So understanding that we
hold on to things that sometimes we've become attached to,
even if it's really small and minuscule. It's going to
(04:20):
cause a lot of heartbreak to cut that piece off,
but knowing that you have so much more everywhere else,
this is a hard part. So we hold on to
things because we finally made some level of attachment. We
cling onto relationships, to jobs and situations longer after they
even stopped serving us. In this episode, that's where we're
breaking down this reality of the things that you're still
(04:43):
holding onto and why they're so familiar, Because I think
at the core of everything, a lot of reasons that
we stay in places not just because we finally saw
us break through that whole and because build that attachment,
but a lot of the reasons we say in certain
things is familiarity, chronic relationships, chronic dating with people who
are just not good for us. Like we tend to
(05:07):
see the same person that we couldn't save in someone
else and a different person. So what happens is that
we create this bond of attachment to these people thinking
that it will be able to satisfy that desire of
saving someone. And it's not always romantic. I want to
be clear, Like you see this, Freud will be very
happy with this statement right now. You see it in
(05:28):
romantic relationships. There are people that date people and they
have so much relationship to like their father wounds and
their mother wounds, and they see those things and they
try to mitigate and save that in other people. Now,
I want to be clear, I even I have been
blamed about that. I'm not saying where one, but even
I've been blamed of dating people or dating at least
(05:48):
one person who has similar attributes right in life, not
physical but like characteristics and stuff like that. No, in
my case, no, so those few friends that are sitting
in my situation, that's not the case. But we have
fallen into these consistent things where we are creating this
(06:09):
type of connection. So to be clear, I speak from
this from a point of experience because I do understand
how that looks in this premises, but I want it
to be understanding that we can see things that other
people might see and understand that we don't need to
adjust or address, but to be clear in our intentions
(06:30):
and what we see and what we accept. So I
got to mention that because I love to use myself
as an example as an example, and because I don't
think anyone's bar from it, like I don't think any
of us are free from the fact that we do,
unfortunately fall into those situations. But they're not always the case.
There are situations, but we need to understand what is
tied to something that reminds us of someone else, or
(06:51):
something that reminds us of us that we couldn't fix
or heal, so we hold on to it in other people.
And we'll talk a little bit more about that after
this real quick commercial break. One of the biggest fears
that we have, whether conscious or not, is that we
are inadequate.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
There's a poem like that.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
We might have heard it in I forget the name
of that movie about basketball, but Coach Carter that was
the name of the movie. And we have this fear
that we will never live up to be enough, that
we will never be good enough, that we will never
be smart enough, that will never be pretty enough, that
will never show up enough, that we won't have enough money.
There are so many things that we are afraid of,
(07:28):
and the fear of inadequacy actually stops us from striving
into anything else. Like one big reason that we hold
on to really bad situations in work or at school
or relationships, which is always the sadest one of them all,
is because we think that we won't find better. Like
we think that we're not going to improve. We think
that the next thing in our lives is not going
(07:50):
to be better than what we have now. We would
rather suffer with the devil we know than grow from
the devil we don't.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
We then deal with that component with it.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
We look at this situation and are in adequacies or
our thought of inadequacy ruins everything else for us.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I think for a.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Lot of people, we're so afraid of everything else, of
the next stage, of the next step, of failing, of
looking dumb, of being alone and not We're so afraid
of those things that we hold on for dear life
to the thing that's killing us. And this is the irony,
This is like the most ironic portion of this. And
(08:27):
we stay in something that will never ever let us
live in fear that will die somewhere else, And I
just want to pose this question before we even go
into our points and diving deeper into this component. I
just want you to think about this. Is it better
to be stuck where you are now, like the place
you're struggling to move from? Whether Again, this is not
(08:48):
just about relationships. Again, I just say it all the
time because there's a conversations that I have often and
I know that a lot of people are looking and
seeking for those things, and they are important and there's
value to it and there's truth to it. But I
need you to ask yourself this question, is better to
die here where I am now or to die somewhere
else away from this knowing that I actually moved somewhere else,
that actually did something, that I grew, that I took
(09:10):
the next job, that I took the leap of faith,
and I left the really toxic relationships that I was
dealing with, not just romantic, plutonic whatever it is friendships.
Is it better to stay in what's killing you than
to potentially thrive and live somewhere else just because you're
afraid of that next step? And I know I'm not
saying it's easy. We say it all the time, it's
easy to say hard to do, but the reality is
(09:32):
that it will be hard to live for the rest
of your life in this very same place because you
thought that it was easier just to stay there. At
some point you just quit. You let go of the
things that you've made you a slave. You let go
of that desire for attention, or rather lack of attention.
For a lot of us, who kills us is the
fact that we want We want their attention. We want
(09:55):
them to see us, we want them to love us,
we want them.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
To see what we have to offer.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
For what's killing us deeply inside is that we know
we can do all these things that we offer, all
these things that we are this person that they would need.
But at the end of the day, I need you
to understand, the person that needs you is not the
person that will ignore you. The person that will love
and pour fully into is not the person that you
have to beg to see you. I need you to
understand that you are worth more than breadcrumbs. You're worth
(10:23):
more than the convenient attention that's offered there. And we
won't let go of anything of anyone until we realize
that we're worth so much more And every person that
has lived on this earth deserves that. No matter where
you are in your life, no matter the mistakes you've made,
the stages that you're in, the growth that you're doing,
(10:45):
you deserve fullness. You deserve love, and we're afraid to
step into We keep holding onto the bare minimum because
we think that that's the maximum. Wherever get You've been
conditioned to believe that you're not worth more, and I
need you to understand that is a lie. Today, like this,
(11:06):
there's a lie. This stronghold that's been over your life
needs to be broken because you were created in a
way that was unique, special and purposeful. And if you're
going to continue to live under that, then the pressure
of who you were meant to be is going to
crush where you want to stay. The reality of who
you can be is what hurts your heart so much,
(11:27):
because you know what you're capable of, you know where
you could go to. You know that the things that
you're holding onto are not holding you back, they're pulling
you down. They're not just giving you positive enforcement.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
But they're pulling you completely down.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
So what we hold on to these things, the reason
we're so attached, the reason we don't detach is because
we're still holding on to the thought of potential. We're
holding on the thought of our own fears, we're holding
on toxicity. So let's dive into these things. Why do
we hold on? Why do we make it so difficult?
(12:03):
You don't stay because it's good. You stay because it's familiar,
like you don't stay in a relationship that's unhealthy for
you because it's good. You stay because you know it,
because you know you're accustomed to the routine, You're accustomed
to what they're going to say. You're afraid to leave
because you know that that person has been there consistently,
(12:25):
whether bad or good, for that time frame. And even
though they're not showing up for a lot of us,
how we need them to show up for us? For
us in our mind, we've convinced ourselves to the fact
that they're showing up is enough. And it's not just
because there's a body there, It doesn't mean that there's
love there.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Just because they're.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Using you for certain things does not mean that you're
actually valued. Unfortunately, we'll stay in things that are killing
us because we're afraid to walk away. You'll keep holding
on and you'll never detach because you're making this connection
deeper and deeper and deeper, and just rooted in something
that doesn't actually have substance. Most times, we stay because
(13:05):
we already know the pain. The pain we know is
easier to deal with the pain that we don't know,
and we think to ourselves, well, this is already what
I'm expecting, so I can't hurt anymore. But here, why
would you want to live.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
A life like that?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
A life where you have to suffer just to be
a present of a person. We stay because we're afraid
to move and what's out there. We're afraid of the
next stages out there. We stay because the toughest thought
we have is starting over, Like we think, what's gonna
happen that I promise you that starting over it's less
scary than staying under something. Starting over is gonna be
(13:42):
less scary than being in this state, and that's obviously
killing you. So you have to ask yourself these questions,
what do you really want? Like if I were to
ask if we're having this conversation, we're having this conversation now,
maybe it's only one sided because I'm sharing it with
you and hopefully something's being I own and developed and
thought with with you. But why do you what do
(14:03):
you really want? Like in your career, in your relationships,
in your world and the things that you're doing. I
need you to sit down with a thought and ask yourself,
what do I really want? Is this person what I
really want? And I'm not saying it's easy again, I
speak from experience when I say these things. This is
why I'm so grateful to God that I have all
these struggles in my life, because the struggles are a
(14:26):
point of conversation that I can understand deeper. I've struggled
with these things myself, and I've struggled with looking at
things that I knew were not healthy and not good
for me. And I had to sit down and say
what do I really want? Like is this what I
really want? And even if you don't make the change
completely right away, right not today, Maybe it's something that's
going to take time to process. My physical fit is
I'm trying to work out harder, to go into the gym,
(14:48):
all these things, but what do I really want? Do
I want this or do I want to change? And
I have to make a decision and say that if
this is what I really want, but this is the
hard part. Now I have to be consistently reminding myself
of what I really want to point that if it's
hard to change today, the constant reminder of it chips
away of everything. What do you really want? Do you
(15:09):
want to stay there? Are you happy there? Are you joyful?
Are you growing? Are you purposeful?
Speaker 2 (15:14):
In this thing? Now?
Speaker 1 (15:16):
I ask yourself, is this lifestyle or is this person?
Is this career, it's this family member, it's this friendship?
Do they match that?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Like?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Are they edifying and growing and loving me to a
point where I'm going to be that thing? Or am
I just causing myself more hurt because I'm trying to
force them to be in this life of mine in
a way that they can't show up, in a way
that they don't show up? What do you really want?
(15:47):
Do they match that? And finally, are you the person.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
With them?
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Are you that person with them? Like? Are you the
best version of you? Are you purposeful? Are you growing?
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Are you? Are you firm?
Speaker 1 (16:00):
The career that you're in is is it really bringing
the best person that you are out? I think for
a lot a lot of us, we're afraid to leave people,
to walk away from people. And this is again everything
now just romantic relationships, but even friendships, Like I think
sometimes we try to force friendships to stay because we're
afraid of a life without them. Like, one of the
(16:21):
hardest breakups you will ever have is not even a
romantic relationship. It's a friendship, like people that you anticipated
to be around in different facets of your life for
that long, knowing and realizing that they can't even come
to the stages you're in now. And it's not about
like be for hating them or anything like that. It's
understanding that when we grow, sometimes we separate. Like we
(16:42):
might have started and it might have been like a tree,
we started near the same route, but at some point
we went different ways, and the left limb of the
tree doesn't hate the right limb of the tree. They're
just distant and it's okay to be separated. And I
think we struggle with that because we think that we
have to keep everybody close to us around us. It's
not possible. The more you grow, the harder it will
(17:04):
be to even keep up with people. And that's okay,
that's literally a part of life. But knowing that you
don't have to force people to be in places you
don't have to force yourself to change. To keep them
is the most freeing thing you will do. Sometimes the
hardest thing to let go is of the story that
(17:25):
you've told yourself, Like the hardest thing you'll ever have
to let go of is letting go of the narrative
that you've made up in your mind. So we talked
about this mountain of attachment. A lot of times we're
attached to the story more than the person, Like we're
attached more to the thought that we have in our minds.
We're attached to who we made them. We ruminate over
(17:47):
the fact that we've created a whole life with them
in our future, even if we were never even together.
The situationships you see it all the time, where you
create a narrative of like your marriage and your kids
in the career path and where you would move and
car garage and everything in this detail in this story
that your brain now has to forget. And I think
that heartbreak hurts more because you've never actually given yourself
(18:09):
the physical disposition to hurt. You have to now live
with this as a storyline that you've made in your mind.
I think it hurts less to deal with this with
a regular person that you were in a relationship with
and something that you had to grow out of something else.
I think the pain of what could have been hurts
more of the pain of what we went through. I'm
(18:30):
not saying it's more practical or any less hurtful in
terms of time, but it is painful to detach from
a story that you've already made. And I think the
best way that we can ever do this is to
realize that we created the story. That also means we
created the character that they are, and we keep embellishing
(18:50):
this character to make them look good because we don't
want to accept the fact that they are who they
really are, that they hurt us the way they hurt us.
So we stay there because sometimes it's easy to allow
them to look good in our story that it is
to accept the fact that we couldn't judge their character correctly.
Let them be who they are, Let yourself know the
(19:11):
real story of what you're dealing with, and we'll dive
into the rest of us after.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
This quick commercial break.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
The fear of emptiness keeps us tied to things that
we've upgrown, like the fear of not feeling like someone's
validating us or seeing us.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
Or growing with us.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
That fear keeps us tied to places that we shouldn't
be in. There's a famous meme right where they talk
about this horse that's tied to a chair. I'm sure
you've seen, or an elephant ties to a chair. And
the reason that they are that way is because from
birth they've tied them to a chair and they weren't
able to move the chair. But as they grew, they
were more powerful, they were more persistent. There's something they
were tied to that actually has no significance, that doesn't
(19:50):
have enough power to keep them back, but they've been
conditioned so much to stay there that they think that
that thing now has more authority. What if there are
things in your life that you have given more authority
too than it deserves. Like one of the things in
your life that you've created relationships with their connections with
and because of the longevity of it, you've been tied
to it. But the truth is that there's nothing there.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Holding you back.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
In fact, it's not even serving you because it doesn't
allow you to move or grow or change the way.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
You need to.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
But you've been attached to it because you've been attached
to it for so long. You refuse to let go
of this thing because you think that that's a part
of you. It Listen to me, this is one of
those things that we all struggle with.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
In every stage of our lives.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
We have created attachments to people into things that don't
actually have power over us, but we give it to
them because we've allowed them to have authority. You have
power over anything you allow to continue. The reason that
a lot of us are still in this is a
stage of attachment. The reason that we hold on to
(20:52):
these places is not because they're more powerful than us,
but it's because we've allowed them to have power. There's
no one in your life that has authority over you
that you haven't freely given to them. So put those
things through that lens. Are the relationships that I'm in,
the ones that I'm struggling with, the ones that I'm
healing from, the ones that I've been around? Are they
(21:15):
fruitful or am I just attached?
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Like?
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Am I just giving power back to this place? We
will never be able to outgrow the places that we've.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Put ourselves under.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
And I say this often as the relationships are just romantic, right,
they're things that there are people, they're friends, they're family members,
there are places we've lived into. There are people who
are attached to places because of the memories.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
They've had in them.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
They're attached to inadomant objects, and those objects have so
much power over them because they've equated the power of
that attachment to those things. So I asked that question
often whenever I speak to people. Are you attached to
the thing or the memory the person?
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Who?
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Are you attached to the person or the memory? Are
you attached to what you think is there? Or are
you attached to them? And it's easier to heal from
being attached to a person, because if you can step
back and look at it, then you know you can say, Okay,
well this person isn't very good. They're not very they're
not very kind, they're very loving, they're not very gentle
with me, They're not these things, And you can lose
(22:19):
that attachment, not necessarily to the memories, because that's the
hard one. Being we're attached to the memories of certain things.
We hold on to them because we love how it
felt in that moment, and we pit it against how
we're feeling now. So whenever something feels better. You're always
going to lean more towards that. You're always gonna say, man,
(22:40):
it's amazing to feel that way in this place, and
I don't feel like that anymore.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
So I rather hold on to the happy memory than
anything else.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
And for a lot of people, we fall back into
the rut of ruminating over those thoughts of memory, of
just living in that memory and loving that memory more
than the world we're in now, more than the reality
that's directly in front of us. It's important to understand
that you don't have to stay in places just because
(23:11):
you remember something nice. For me, It's okay to have
those memories. It's beautiful to have those memories. It's great
to be able to say, man, I remember how this felt.
But it's also important to understand that that's not where
you are now. That those memories are great and they're good,
but they're not serving you in this place now. Detachment
(23:31):
starts when you realize what's actually costing you to hold on,
like this is gonna hurt here, and I feel like
it hurts anyone. It hurts me to hear it. But
the reality is that the longer we remain in things
that are killing us the things that are hurting us,
the things that don't love us. The longer we hold
on our attachment to these people, to these places, to
these jobs, the longer we miss out on the things
(23:53):
that were good for us, Like the more you push
away the thing that could have been, Because you might
be in a place that you know you're not supp
that you know what's hurting you, that it's killing you,
that it's making you feel horrible, but you hold on
to that because you're holding onto the thought or the memory.
And what happens is that that could have been the
moment that that job was offered to you. There could
have been the moment that next relationship that would have
(24:14):
been your husband or your wife was offered to you.
That that could have been the moment that you were
receiving this next stage in your life. But you were
so busy holding on to this thing that was killing
you that you made sure you miss out on the
thing that was blessing you. You were so busy trying
to force something that obviously is not working. There's not
love you, does not grow with you, does not serve you,
(24:34):
So you're trying to force it to be the thing
that it could have been somewhere else that you miss
out on everything else. What if the reason that we
don't receive the things that we're praying for is because
we're still holding on to the things that were being
damned by. What if the reason that you don't feel
loved and feel purposeful in other things is because you're
still holding on to the thing that's shown you it
(24:54):
never will, but you wanted to. You wanted to change
its stripes to fit the mold that you've There are
some relationships that we deal with, some people that we
deal with that are just never going to be good
for us, and we cause ourselves more hurt trying to
force them to be the things that they would never be.
I need you to understand that this life is way
(25:16):
too short for you to stay attached to things that
do not love, you, do not care for, you do
not serve, you do not grow with you. And I'm
not saying take the easy way out with everything, because
that's not the premise here. You should work, you should try,
you should grow. But if you see psychos being repeated,
then it's your fault for going back into them.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
We need to be able.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
To look at these things and say this is not normal,
it's not okay, so we'll break away from them. The
attachment starts when you realize that it's actually costing you
more to stay than anything else. And then finally, this
is this reality that sometimes our attachment comes to people.
And we've mentioned it before, but I want you to
understand that you don't miss the person who you thought
(26:00):
they were. I echoed that earlier on because I think
this is so important. I think sometimes we cause ourselves
more grief because of our mind than anything else. And
your mind is so powerful, by the way, like your
brain is extreme. Your brain can make up scenarios like
if right now as you're listening to this. And first
of all, thank you for listening to this podcast. I
(26:22):
keep forgetting to do like the whole intro thing where
you tell people to download and to save and to
share and especially download five stars of course, but the
download thing because it helps us keep going. So I
always forget to do those things. So I'm just going
to try to be better and sprinkle them in there,
because again, this is my job, so it's nice to
have that. But thank you for listening, thank you for
being part of this podcast, thank you for being here,
but I want you to think about this now. Your
(26:42):
brain is as powerful it So if I were to
tell you to imagine a red Coca Cola can right
in your brain if you're driving or something, maybe don't
distract yourself, but if you could do it, just do that.
And then I want you to change the background of
that image that you have in your mind and make
it blue, so you.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Have a red co Cola can with a little background.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
And then I want you to imagine an elephant on
top of that can balancing Somehow. Your brain is so
powerful that it can create this entire storylines, this entire
narrative out of nothing, out of then there simply prompts
and commands, and you were able to populate this thought,
well ninety six percent of you, because there are four percent.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Of you that couldn't do that.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
And that's a whole other podcast itself.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
That's how your brain. There are actual people who don't.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Even have thoughts, right they just respond, we're not talking
about that right now, but that's a really good thing
for an episode. But most of you, almost all of you,
we're able to create that. Imagine how powerful your brain is.
Your brain is the most powerful thing in this world.
In that same breath, it's also your biggest enemy because
your brain is very, very bad actual memories. So what
(27:48):
it does is that it tries to populate certain portions
of the memory. It tries to recreate certain things. It
does really good job at staying with sense and stuffing
ol factory, which part of the cranial nerves in your brain,
and it's actually where sent and taste comes from. It
is the strongest memory.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Portion of your brain.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Your brain will do a really good job memorizing things
because of that, but everywhere else it does a really
bad job. It doesn't do a good job of memorizing
actions or feelings or emotions. So what it does is
that it'll take certain things that it believes is going
to serve you best.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
The whole goal is to keep you alive.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
So your brain will tell you something in a situation
that will make you feel like, man, maybe that was
my fault, or maybe I could have did this or
change something differently, and it makes you believe something that
might naven be true. So what I'm saying here, what
I need you to focus on to grow with, is
to tell your brain the truth. Like example, like if
you're sitting here in your memory of remembering a memory,
(28:45):
because you're never a rememory. You're remembering a memory of
a memory. That's how that works. If you're sitting there
and you're ruminating on this, I want you to tell yourself,
Tell your brain, is this person really that?
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Like? Where are they really this they like? Tell us
that the the facts give it to logic. Say no,
but this person.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
You're remembering this person or this job, or whatever it
might be, but particularly here in this person. I want
you to tell your brain. But they didn't actually do
these things for me. They didn't actually love me the
way I needed to be loved. They didn't actually remind
me of who I was. They just reminded me of
how convenient.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
I was to them.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
They didn't show up for me how I needed them
to show up. It didn't show me that they were
this person that I needed them to be. As much
as I might remember the few gestures here and there,
the reality is that they're not who they are. And
it's going to take you a long time of doing
this over and over again because you have to recondition
your brain. You have to teach it that the memories
and the thoughts that it had before aren't the same
(29:41):
ones that they are now. For a lot of us,
we hold on to things.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
We hold on to.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
People to careers, to jobs, to schools, to family members.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
We hold on.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Because the thought of what used to be is so
powerful and we fall in love with the idea, with
the memory, not the person. So we as we dive
into the series of detachment episode two and three, we
kind of talk about how to detach, like actively do.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Things we need to do to attach and what do
we do after? Because I think that's important.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
I just need you to sit with this reality.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
What are you attached to? You?
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Who are you attached to? What's this core principle in
your life that you can't let go over these core
people or these core memories that you can't let go
of that have created just difficulty? And is it actually
even worth the energy that you waste behind it? Like
is this thought even worth that? So again, thank you
(30:42):
for your presence. I can't say and stress it enough.
I'm so grateful that I get to do these episodes.
I'm so grateful for the dms, even though I can't
respond to them all.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
And that's partly.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
A decision, Like there are times where I don't get
like a crazy ball. I do get a lot of dms,
but there are times there's like hundreds of dms it's
just insane. And there are times that's like fifteen or twenty.
But I purposely don't respond to all of them because
I actually try to limit time I spend on social media.
I think it's a good thing, but also I don't
want to pick and choose who would I respond to
(31:17):
and ignore the other hundreds of people, So I just
make it a principle. But I do try to read
at least some of them. I just I'm just so
happy with this podcast, even if again I say, I
see this all the time, and I feel like I
always say, even if it doesn't continue, even if this
is my last season or only season, this is ever up,
I'm just so grateful for it because I've been able
to see you like you that are listening and hear
(31:41):
your voice and hear the amazingness that comes from something
so small to me. And so this is just my
like again, continued gratitude for you and for being president.
Thank you for being on his episode, and we'll continue
the series on the next one, so we'll see you
in the next one,
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