December 2, 2021 • 12 mins
Everyone's favorite therapist Soco joins Tanya to help with a letter from a fan who have just purchased their dream property with their partner.
However, the home and surrounding area have a lot of work to be done before this couple can move in. The problem is that only one of the people is doing the heavy financial lifting.
Let's see what Tanya and Soco have to say about that.
Host IG: @itstanyatime
Guest IG: @yourfavoritetherapist
Learn more about Soco Rey's therapy at: https://www.socorey.com/
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, money Movers, Welcome back to Money Moves, the daily
podcast determined to give you the keys to the Kingdom
of financial stability, wealth and abundance. Hey everybody, and welcome
back to Money Moves. Property ownership can be a really
(00:22):
great feeling and certainly is a major lifetime milestone, but
it is a commitment and nothing is worse when that
dream spot you brought turns out to be a money
pit or a nightmare. And even worse, perhaps the person
you co own it with has a different idea on
what to do with the space than you do. While
these things need to be the things that we look
(00:43):
into before we sign any paperwork, let's be real, it
often doesn't go that way. This next letter that I'm
going to share with you leads us into the garden
of what to do when real estate plans you've made
with someone else seemed to go drastically wrong. I mean
to be honest, I really don't know what to do
when the real estate plans you've made with someone else
seemed to go drastically wrong. How do you get through that?
(01:04):
I may not know, but I know exactly who to ask.
She is a licensed clinical social worker who received her
master's degree from UC Berkeley and is the owner of
Soco Ray Therapy. Let's welcome back the one, the only,
and our favorite therapist, Miss Soko Ray No. So Hi
Soco Hi, Tanya, thank you so much for having me again,
(01:25):
a pleasure to be here. Well, welcome back to the show.
We love having you here. And do I have a
doozy for you today? Just to give you a little gist,
what happens when a married couple buys property together, agrees
to partner, but it seems like only one of them
is doing all the financial heavy lifting. Yes, all right,
(01:45):
so let's dive into it, dear money moves. My husband
and I have both always dreamed of having a home
on a large plot of land. We want to be
able to farm and be self sufficient. That being said,
we both worked really hard in our careers to save
up enough to own the home of our dreams, and
we got it. Here's the problem. It's not yet a farm,
(02:07):
and it's just a large plot of land in a
farming area, which means all those things to get it
started need to be bought, installed purchased. My husband and
I both work, however, he pulls longer hours than I
do so. When someone needs to be there or make
the calls, or book the work or meet the servicemen,
it's always me, which also means when the checks need
(02:27):
to be cut, guess who's cutting them. We've always banked separately,
with one joint account just for our bills. That bill
account doesn't budget for these new home expenses. All of
this money is coming directly out of my personal account.
When I mentioned this to my husband, he pointed out
that we are married, which means it doesn't matter if
he's saving. We're saving. But looking at my bank account,
(02:51):
it doesn't feel like that the whole thing is really
stressing me out. Am I overreacting? It sounds like a
dream was jumped into without a plan for execution, and
expectations existed, and we're in place, and that's the That's
the key to disappointment, right, expectations without communication. What do
you think the wife is really asking for from from
(03:13):
us and also her husband. I think that she's asking
for something that she's probably wanted from before this instant.
I think she's wanting to feel join and equal distribution
of work. I think that he's probably been working more
hours than her, because that's something she mentioned that's that's
not new, right, And I think she had the expectation that,
(03:36):
because this is their joint vision, that he was going
to then become a different way and execute at the
same level that she could. Yeah, so I think she's
feeling a little alone and maybe like the vision isn't
as important to him. How do you think that factors
into the fact that, of course he's working hard. I'm
sure in his mind he's like, look, I'm putting in hours.
Now you're putting in equal hours. Do you think there's
(03:58):
sort of a discrepancy in like she's like, well, you're
just going to the job. I'm working on what's supposed
to be our dream. Yes. I think that sometimes we
think that what we are doing is the most important thing.
We forget to value the other person thing, right, we
think they're just behind the desk, and it's like that
brings in a sense of like a productivity, and he
feels like you can give to his family this way.
(04:20):
It's more meaningful than just a job. So yeah, I
think she might be minimizing his work and what it
brings to him. Okay, let's jump into the finances of this.
What's your initial take on how they're sort of dividing
up the finances because I have an opinion, but I'd
like to hear yours. Well, you know, every partnership, every
person like you create your own rules, right, and a
(04:43):
marriage and relationships you create your own rules. So I
don't have much to say about how it's happening. I
can speak to her having an issue though, with her
tank being drained, because it sounds like if she doesn't
trust that he will replenish if she goes. And yeah,
there's a trust issue that's coming up. And I'm not
sure what the root of that is, but it's there.
(05:04):
I mean, it seems a little interesting because they have
this one bank account, and you know, they've gotten into
this pattern where she's the one sort of dealing with
this dream home and creating it and sourcing it, but
there's nobody else sort of like filling up that pot
for her. Yeah, and and it's like it seems like
there's probably one easy solution, which is like, honey, can
(05:27):
I have your card today? We're getting pipes and solved
or whatever. Right, there's a lack of intimacy I think
with money in this couple, for sure. You know it's
funny because I would suggest to them, and I don't
know you or or the couple or whatever, like, why
don't they have a dream home fund that they both
can contribute to and then you know, he can save
(05:48):
on his savings accounts, she can save on her savings account.
But maybe that would be sort of a bridge to
help her feel a little bit more settled, um, and
maybe him feel more involved. Yeah, I think that is
a good compromise. And that's probably pretty easy, well, easier
said than done, because I'm sure it's, like you we've
talked about before, the fear of actually voicing this vulnerability
(06:08):
is probably bigger than the actual issue. And how do
we really help people get to the point where they're
comfortable joining their finances? Like, what is it that's holding
them back? Do you think it is actually just a
trust issue, so if this marriage doesn't work out, they've
got their own coins. I think sometimes the trust issue.
I think sometimes people have a hard time being transparent.
(06:30):
They don't want their part I actually know a few
people like this. They don't want their partner to know
how much money is coming in because then their partner
might ask more of them. And I think for some
people they like to. And I'll speak to women, um,
just maintain their independent right, like this is mine. I'll
always have something. I can never be left depleted, which
(06:51):
all sort of boiled down to trust. I think they
all boiled down to trust. She that's that's like a
big iceberg under the water. They're well and money scary, right,
we we Money is like the we think it's the
root of all things. It's the thing that makes everything
better or worse. So I understand why we get tied
up in it and we make it really difficult. Yeah,
(07:12):
but all things through conversation can be made easy. Just
having that first conversation. I love that. And you know,
I want to touch on something you said there, because
I mean this podcast we talk about money all day long,
you know, And I think part of it is being
able to provide the education so that we have the
tools so that money is not scary. Because if we
continue to perpetuate this idea that money is scary, it's
hard to make like we aren't going to make it.
(07:34):
But if we all have the tools and the knowledge
to realize that money will come to us kind of
changes how we look at money. It does, it does
where you are bound, you will restrict yourself from access,
and where you open up, you will allow in. So
it is very important to see money kind of like
as a game, as a number. I see money as
(07:56):
money in this world represents abundant. So the way that
we relate to money has a lot to do with
our self worth. So see money and your relationship to
it as your belief in yourself to have all the
things that you think you can have. Now, that was profound.
I love that this is something I think about. Uh, property,
(08:20):
and I think property can be loose and can we
can generalize that to like in joint endeavors. And I
think it is really important that there'll be a plan
in place and a discussion about what this thing will
be like for us. So at home, is this a
place where we sleep? Is it a place where we enjoy?
What do we want our home to be? Some people
I treat my homelike a museum, and like, I want
(08:42):
my home to be so that people can come in
here and without me being here, know about me. So
it's gonna be filled with color, It's gonna be filled
with things. Right. So I have a married couple who
are friends. They just bought their house, three bedroom, one
room is there no kids yet, one room is in office.
In one room She's like, I want to closet, and
I'm like, you're going to use the one room is
(09:03):
probably gonna be for the baby to via closet and
her husband's like, this is our house and we make
our rule and it works for them. But they were
very intentional about planning everything before they bought this home
that we're decorating it and doing all of that, So
I think it really has It's a lot about what
does this mean for us and how do we want
to how will we attack this adventure together? No, I agree,
(09:26):
And actually that made me took me back to the
part where they said this plot of land was supposed
to be their dream home and they're going to be
self sufficient, so they're going to farm on this land
and do everything, and right now only one person is
really doing all the work. So I'm just wondering how
much their dreams are aligned and how intentional they are,
and really understanding what the end result the work that
it takes to get the end result of their dreams
(09:47):
to actually come true. Yeah, and the conversations that will
have to take place in the process. Of building anything right,
like the iss she might be that she hasn't said
I don't feel like you're giving. There's things that can
be talked about can improve the situation. So so this
was a great letter, and I think if we like
take a minute to step back, there's a lot of
overarching themes that we've seen coming up through a lot
(10:09):
of the letters that get sent in. What are some
of them that stood out to you? The first is
that there was not a plan in place, or expectations
weren't realistic. That kind of goes with the planning. So
I suggest that planning be done for what we think
it will look like when we are building this thing up.
The second is remembering that it's very important to communicate
(10:30):
when you feel like you need your partner support or
more of it. So asking because sometimes we get all
wrapped up and it's like, well, you haven't even asked
them to change yet, so we haven't given him an opportunity.
So remembering to communicate and ask for what it is
you think you need. And I think, lastly, um, I
do this myself. I get caught up in a story,
so I'll be like I'm doing everything, I'm paying for everything.
(10:54):
He doesn't care. I don't know. I knew this was
going to happen. And then we're like, oh, you just
looked out a rabbit hole, right, And he doesn't work.
He can't wait to get home to you. He really
loves you, right. So you're living in this reality and
he's living in this one. So ridge the gap, don't
make it. Don't make your life harder than it needs
to be. I love that. Thank you so much, Soco.
You offered some incredibly valuable advice, not only to this couple,
(11:15):
but also to our Money Moves audience. Thank you so
much for coming and I can't wait to have you
back again. I can't wait to see you. Thanks for
having me Tanya, thanks so much. And to my Money
Moves family, I'm so excited that you're here with us.
Coming up next, we're gonna be visited by someone you
may know and love to let us know how they've
managed to achieve and maintain financial abundance. Make sure you
(11:37):
stay right here tuned into the Money Moves podcast powered
by Greenwood. Here's a look at what's coming up next.
Thank you so much for tuning in Money Moves audience.
If you want more or a recap of this episode,
Please go to the bank Greenwood dot com and check
out the Money Moves podcast blog. Funny Moves is an
(12:00):
I heart Radio podcast powered by Greenwood Executive produced by
Sunwise Media, Inc. For more podcasts on I heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts from.
Hey, money Movers, Welcome back to Money Moves, the daily
podcast determined to give you the keys to the Kingdom
of financial stability, wealth and abundance. Hey everybody, and welcome
back to Money Moves. Property ownership can be a really
(00:22):
great feeling and certainly is a major lifetime milestone, but
it is a commitment and nothing is worse when that
dream spot you brought turns out to be a money
pit or a nightmare. And even worse, perhaps the person
you co own it with has a different idea on
what to do with the space than you do. While
these things need to be the things that we look
(00:43):
into before we sign any paperwork, let's be real, it
often doesn't go that way. This next letter that I'm
going to share with you leads us into the garden
of what to do when real estate plans you've made
with someone else seemed to go drastically wrong. I mean
to be honest, I really don't know what to do
when the real estate plans you've made with someone else
seemed to go drastically wrong. How do you get through that?
(01:04):
I may not know, but I know exactly who to ask.
She is a licensed clinical social worker who received her
master's degree from UC Berkeley and is the owner of
Soco Ray Therapy. Let's welcome back the one, the only,
and our favorite therapist, Miss Soko Ray No. So Hi
Soco Hi, Tanya, thank you so much for having me again,
(01:25):
a pleasure to be here. Well, welcome back to the show.
We love having you here. And do I have a
doozy for you today? Just to give you a little gist,
what happens when a married couple buys property together, agrees
to partner, but it seems like only one of them
is doing all the financial heavy lifting. Yes, all right,
(01:45):
so let's dive into it, dear money moves. My husband
and I have both always dreamed of having a home
on a large plot of land. We want to be
able to farm and be self sufficient. That being said,
we both worked really hard in our careers to save
up enough to own the home of our dreams, and
we got it. Here's the problem. It's not yet a farm,
(02:07):
and it's just a large plot of land in a
farming area, which means all those things to get it
started need to be bought, installed purchased. My husband and
I both work, however, he pulls longer hours than I
do so. When someone needs to be there or make
the calls, or book the work or meet the servicemen,
it's always me, which also means when the checks need
(02:27):
to be cut, guess who's cutting them. We've always banked separately,
with one joint account just for our bills. That bill
account doesn't budget for these new home expenses. All of
this money is coming directly out of my personal account.
When I mentioned this to my husband, he pointed out
that we are married, which means it doesn't matter if
he's saving. We're saving. But looking at my bank account,
(02:51):
it doesn't feel like that the whole thing is really
stressing me out. Am I overreacting? It sounds like a
dream was jumped into without a plan for execution, and
expectations existed, and we're in place, and that's the That's
the key to disappointment, right, expectations without communication. What do
you think the wife is really asking for from from
(03:13):
us and also her husband. I think that she's asking
for something that she's probably wanted from before this instant.
I think she's wanting to feel join and equal distribution
of work. I think that he's probably been working more
hours than her, because that's something she mentioned that's that's
not new, right, And I think she had the expectation that,
(03:36):
because this is their joint vision, that he was going
to then become a different way and execute at the
same level that she could. Yeah, so I think she's
feeling a little alone and maybe like the vision isn't
as important to him. How do you think that factors
into the fact that, of course he's working hard. I'm
sure in his mind he's like, look, I'm putting in hours.
Now you're putting in equal hours. Do you think there's
(03:58):
sort of a discrepancy in like she's like, well, you're
just going to the job. I'm working on what's supposed
to be our dream. Yes. I think that sometimes we
think that what we are doing is the most important thing.
We forget to value the other person thing, right, we
think they're just behind the desk, and it's like that
brings in a sense of like a productivity, and he
feels like you can give to his family this way.
(04:20):
It's more meaningful than just a job. So yeah, I
think she might be minimizing his work and what it
brings to him. Okay, let's jump into the finances of this.
What's your initial take on how they're sort of dividing
up the finances because I have an opinion, but I'd
like to hear yours. Well, you know, every partnership, every
person like you create your own rules, right, and a
(04:43):
marriage and relationships you create your own rules. So I
don't have much to say about how it's happening. I
can speak to her having an issue though, with her
tank being drained, because it sounds like if she doesn't
trust that he will replenish if she goes. And yeah,
there's a trust issue that's coming up. And I'm not
sure what the root of that is, but it's there.
(05:04):
I mean, it seems a little interesting because they have
this one bank account, and you know, they've gotten into
this pattern where she's the one sort of dealing with
this dream home and creating it and sourcing it, but
there's nobody else sort of like filling up that pot
for her. Yeah, and and it's like it seems like
there's probably one easy solution, which is like, honey, can
(05:27):
I have your card today? We're getting pipes and solved
or whatever. Right, there's a lack of intimacy I think
with money in this couple, for sure. You know it's
funny because I would suggest to them, and I don't
know you or or the couple or whatever, like, why
don't they have a dream home fund that they both
can contribute to and then you know, he can save
(05:48):
on his savings accounts, she can save on her savings account.
But maybe that would be sort of a bridge to
help her feel a little bit more settled, um, and
maybe him feel more involved. Yeah, I think that is
a good compromise. And that's probably pretty easy, well, easier
said than done, because I'm sure it's, like you we've
talked about before, the fear of actually voicing this vulnerability
(06:08):
is probably bigger than the actual issue. And how do
we really help people get to the point where they're
comfortable joining their finances? Like, what is it that's holding
them back? Do you think it is actually just a
trust issue, so if this marriage doesn't work out, they've
got their own coins. I think sometimes the trust issue.
I think sometimes people have a hard time being transparent.
(06:30):
They don't want their part I actually know a few
people like this. They don't want their partner to know
how much money is coming in because then their partner
might ask more of them. And I think for some
people they like to. And I'll speak to women, um,
just maintain their independent right, like this is mine. I'll
always have something. I can never be left depleted, which
(06:51):
all sort of boiled down to trust. I think they
all boiled down to trust. She that's that's like a
big iceberg under the water. They're well and money scary, right,
we we Money is like the we think it's the
root of all things. It's the thing that makes everything
better or worse. So I understand why we get tied
up in it and we make it really difficult. Yeah,
(07:12):
but all things through conversation can be made easy. Just
having that first conversation. I love that. And you know,
I want to touch on something you said there, because
I mean this podcast we talk about money all day long,
you know, And I think part of it is being
able to provide the education so that we have the
tools so that money is not scary. Because if we
continue to perpetuate this idea that money is scary, it's
hard to make like we aren't going to make it.
(07:34):
But if we all have the tools and the knowledge
to realize that money will come to us kind of
changes how we look at money. It does, it does
where you are bound, you will restrict yourself from access,
and where you open up, you will allow in. So
it is very important to see money kind of like
as a game, as a number. I see money as
(07:56):
money in this world represents abundant. So the way that
we relate to money has a lot to do with
our self worth. So see money and your relationship to
it as your belief in yourself to have all the
things that you think you can have. Now, that was profound.
I love that this is something I think about. Uh, property,
(08:20):
and I think property can be loose and can we
can generalize that to like in joint endeavors. And I
think it is really important that there'll be a plan
in place and a discussion about what this thing will
be like for us. So at home, is this a
place where we sleep? Is it a place where we enjoy?
What do we want our home to be? Some people
I treat my homelike a museum, and like, I want
(08:42):
my home to be so that people can come in
here and without me being here, know about me. So
it's gonna be filled with color, It's gonna be filled
with things. Right. So I have a married couple who
are friends. They just bought their house, three bedroom, one
room is there no kids yet, one room is in office.
In one room She's like, I want to closet, and
I'm like, you're going to use the one room is
(09:03):
probably gonna be for the baby to via closet and
her husband's like, this is our house and we make
our rule and it works for them. But they were
very intentional about planning everything before they bought this home
that we're decorating it and doing all of that, So
I think it really has It's a lot about what
does this mean for us and how do we want
to how will we attack this adventure together? No, I agree,
(09:26):
And actually that made me took me back to the
part where they said this plot of land was supposed
to be their dream home and they're going to be
self sufficient, so they're going to farm on this land
and do everything, and right now only one person is
really doing all the work. So I'm just wondering how
much their dreams are aligned and how intentional they are,
and really understanding what the end result the work that
it takes to get the end result of their dreams
(09:47):
to actually come true. Yeah, and the conversations that will
have to take place in the process. Of building anything right,
like the iss she might be that she hasn't said
I don't feel like you're giving. There's things that can
be talked about can improve the situation. So so this
was a great letter, and I think if we like
take a minute to step back, there's a lot of
overarching themes that we've seen coming up through a lot
(10:09):
of the letters that get sent in. What are some
of them that stood out to you? The first is
that there was not a plan in place, or expectations
weren't realistic. That kind of goes with the planning. So
I suggest that planning be done for what we think
it will look like when we are building this thing up.
The second is remembering that it's very important to communicate
(10:30):
when you feel like you need your partner support or
more of it. So asking because sometimes we get all
wrapped up and it's like, well, you haven't even asked
them to change yet, so we haven't given him an opportunity.
So remembering to communicate and ask for what it is
you think you need. And I think, lastly, um, I
do this myself. I get caught up in a story,
so I'll be like I'm doing everything, I'm paying for everything.
(10:54):
He doesn't care. I don't know. I knew this was
going to happen. And then we're like, oh, you just
looked out a rabbit hole, right, And he doesn't work.
He can't wait to get home to you. He really
loves you, right. So you're living in this reality and
he's living in this one. So ridge the gap, don't
make it. Don't make your life harder than it needs
to be. I love that. Thank you so much, Soco.
You offered some incredibly valuable advice, not only to this couple,
(11:15):
but also to our Money Moves audience. Thank you so
much for coming and I can't wait to have you
back again. I can't wait to see you. Thanks for
having me Tanya, thanks so much. And to my Money
Moves family, I'm so excited that you're here with us.
Coming up next, we're gonna be visited by someone you
may know and love to let us know how they've
managed to achieve and maintain financial abundance. Make sure you
(11:37):
stay right here tuned into the Money Moves podcast powered
by Greenwood. Here's a look at what's coming up next.
Thank you so much for tuning in Money Moves audience.
If you want more or a recap of this episode,
Please go to the bank Greenwood dot com and check
out the Money Moves podcast blog. Funny Moves is an
(12:00):
I heart Radio podcast powered by Greenwood Executive produced by
Sunwise Media, Inc. For more podcasts on I heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts from.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.