November 25, 2024 • 57 mins
In this episode of Naked Sports, Cari engages in a heartfelt conversation with Ashlyn Harris, a retired professional soccer player and two-time World Cup champion. Ashlyn shares her journey, discussing her transition from soccer to a creative career, the complexities of professional relationships, and the challenges she faced during her marriage and subsequent divorce. The conversation delves into themes of self-discovery, mental health, and the impact of public scrutiny on personal life, ultimately highlighting the importance of finding happiness and authenticity after heartbreak and the effect of trauma on her identity.
Please Note that some of the topics discussed may be jarring and triggering. We truly hope Ashlyn's story serves as a bridge for those who can relate. May it offer comfort and solidarity. And for others, may it open your heart to a perspective brave enough to be vulnerable, inviting connection through a willingness to share.
Connect: @CariChampion @AshlynHarris24
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, everybody, it's Carrie Champion, the host of Naked Sports.
(00:03):
I appreciate you listening and for this episode in particular,
I just wanted to let you all know that Ashlyn
Harris has shared a very personal, loving, and brave story
with us today. For some of you, the topic matter
may make you a little uncomfortable, but telling her truth
(00:24):
I believe can serve as a bridge to help others
really understand that they are not alone and whatever struggle
that they're dealing with in life. I am so grateful
that this brave woman decided to share her story with me.
We appreciate you for listening. Enjoy this edition of Naked Sports.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
My name is Ashlyn Harris. I am a retired professional
soccer player. I'm a two time World Cup champion, and
I am now a creative consultant and producer when it
comes to film and sports, agency, sports firms, all the things.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Welcome to Naked Sports, the podcast where we live at
the intersection of sports, politics, and culture. Our purpose reveal
the common threads that bind them all.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
So what's happening in women's basketball right now is what
we've been trying to.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Get to for almost thirty years.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
From the stadiums where athletes to break barriers and set records.
Kaitlin Quark broke the all time single game assists record.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
This is crazy for rookies to be doing.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
To the polls where history is written, and now we
have Kamala Harrison. It feels more like women are sort
of taken what they've always deserved, as opposed to waiting
on somebody to give them what they deserve.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Our discussions will uncover the vital connections between these realms
and the community we create. In each episode, we'll sit
down with athletes, political analysts, and culture critics because the
core of it all, how we see one issue shines
a light on all others. Welcome to Naked Sports. I'm
your host, Carrie Champion, so I already know you can
(02:16):
feel the vibes. I'm a huge fan of Ashlyn Harris.
I was a fan of her playing style on the field.
I'm a fan of her style when she's off the field.
I think she's beautiful and kind while also being careful
and guarded if need be. But I was sold when
I knew she was a sensitive soul that will be
(02:36):
that ass if need be. I totally get her. I
know that you have talked very honestly about what that
transition would be like once you got done playing professional soccer.
But I think you're landing pretty softly. How do you
feel about the landing?
Speaker 4 (02:51):
You know?
Speaker 2 (02:51):
I was always I was always so I played behind
Hope solo for ten years, and I knew at the time,
as long as I was, you know, really pursuing this
whole life in sports, the chances of me playing in
front of her would be slim to none unless something
catastrophic happened. So I started building a brand outside of sports.
(03:13):
So it wasn't about the next four to eight years
of my life. It was about the next forty to fifty.
So before Instagram and all of these things became a thing,
I knew I looked different. I was the only one
on the team absolutely covered in tattoos and looked the
way I did. I started modeling, and I started doing
stuff with brands and influencing and doing get readies with
(03:36):
me and doing T shirt lines, and I was just
really diversifying who I was because soccer wasn't enough for me.
I had a very very creative side, so I became
one of like heavily marketed players on the team based
on being outspoken, being queer, being an advocate, really talking
about hard topics like mental health, and it really just
(04:00):
shaped me into leading, leading me through doors that maybe
might be different than most people who retire who want
to be a coach and want to stay in the
sports world and commentate, and I wanted to do more
creative work when it came to having a brand strategy
(04:21):
to how to invest in women's sports and women's stories
and entertainment.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
You are very and I'll just say the state the obvious.
You're very striking. So when you walk in a room,
people are going to be interested in you no matter
what you do. You could be like I make cookies,
Like what kind of cookies? Like peanut butter chocolate chip?
I am you know what I mean? So you are
used to getting a lot of attention. How was it?
(04:46):
Playing behind helped solo for ten years.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
It was really great for me in a lot of
ways because her as a player, she was the best.
She worked really hard, She put her head down and
she just fucking worked. Can I cuss on this?
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Absolutely?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Okay. I was just making sure it was like oh no, no, fine.
She was tough too, you know, we spent so much
time together. It was just tough personally for me because
she was very shut off and not very friendly and
when it came to having a relationship outside of sport.
But I knew it was professional and I respected that.
(05:26):
You know, just because we work together, we don't have
to be friends. But yeah, I would. I it was hard.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That's that's a mature attitude. Just because we were together,
it means that we don't have to be friends. There
is something about women, specifically women love to be friends
with their colleagues, and when it doesn't work out that way,
it's hard for us to separate our emotions because we
don't know how to compartmentalize. And I'm not taking for
all women, but by and large, did you feel like
she was jealous of you? Did you feel like she
(05:53):
was mean to you? Do you feel like she didn't
want to be your friend? Was it Brett Favor Aaron
Rodgers situation.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I don't know. I think that she was there to
do a job. I think she was there to do
a job and her priority wasn't to make sure I
felt okay, truthfully, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I respect that. I respect that too, Like that a lot.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Listen, are young, what can show up? And gay girl
that's covered in tats, She's probably like take a seat,
you know, like I watch and learn, Yeah, watch and learn.
I don't. I don't hate on it. Listen. I didn't
like all my teammates. I still don't like all my teammates.
It's just because you know, we are in this chemistry
bubble where everyone thinks you have to have the best
(06:35):
chemistry to be the best team. No, you just have
to be the best, and you have to like put
work above yourself. And you know, all the bullshit off
the field. And she, you know, she she showed up,
she did her job. She wasn't there to make sure
I felt okay about myself.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
I love it you say that. I remember when the
Las Vegas Aces won their second championship. I think it
was back to back, and one of the players said
the reason why we were able to beat the was
because they don't like each other.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Do you have to truly.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Like your teammate in order to win? I don't believe
that's true.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
No. I mean, think about all the things that we've
you know, we've heard in the past, like you know, Kobe.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Bryant, I was the first person about us.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
You know, he's like, pass me the ball. I don't
care how that makes you feel. You're not good enough
to have the ball in your hands. The last out second,
I don't trust you. I don't have to trust you.
This isn't about me and you being friends. This is
about winning. We get paid to win, we get paid
to perform. So I like, you know, I see all
these documentaries coming out about just this tiff and you know,
(07:38):
Hope solo this, and she's been in headlines forever being
controversial or this. Listen, she showed up, she did her
fucking job, how she treated people. She's got to sit
with that, not me. Like, she won at every level,
So what are you gonna knock her there? I mean,
her personal life had nothing to do with our work relationship.
(08:00):
Does that make sense.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
At the time of this interview, Ashlynn is well into
a new life beyond playing soccer, a new relationship and
a new perspective about her future. But more importantly, she
has a new way to protect her peace by any
means necessary. You don't have to like me.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
I'm good like I don't. I'm not here to make that.
I like a job at my job like, I'm just
that's too much energy for me. I'm gonna show up.
I'm gonna be the best I absolutely can be. I'm
gonna put my team first. And if you don't fucking
like me, great, keep a push in, but let's win.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
I can relate to someone being like, Look, life has
taught me a few things, and the one thing I
know that I can depend on time and time again
is myself. And you carry yourself in that manner, and
I understand that deeply on my core. It is often
misconstrued by other people though as standoff, is not friendly, selfish,
(09:01):
all the things. Selfish gets a bad rap though I
don't mind selfish, but it can be labeled as not
a positive. How does that make you feel as your core?
Because you know who you are? How does that make
you feel at your core?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I think if I really cared what other people thought
of me, I probably wouldn't be sitting on this couch
with you. I think as someone who grew up in
the public eye, who has been constantly under some type
of scrutiny or this or that, like, you just get
to a point where, like I know, when I lay
(09:37):
my head down at night, am I showing up as
a human like am I a good mom? Am I
a good partner? Am I a good daughter? Like? Am I?
All of these things? Just you get to an age
where you just stop giving a fuck what other people
think of you because you can't change it anyways. So
I'm not gonna carry and a lot of it is
(09:58):
projected trauma when I'm learning very much so right now,
especially in therapy, especially after the last year, is the
projection that people have based on their own scars. It's
not my burden to carry. Like I'm good with the
decisions I've made. Do I always get it right? No?
(10:19):
But I continue to wake up to choose to be
excellent and everything I do, and that is the way
I lead my life is I put my ego aside
on a servant. I love to serve other people. However,
I've had to learn the balance of being an athlete
has taught me to suffer. I have been made into
(10:39):
a machine. So my ability to sit and suffer and
minimize what my wants and needs because that's what made
me a team player, That's what made me good at
my job. So I'm learning this balance and understanding that
I can't always focus on what people think. I'm not
everyone's going to like me? Okay? With that? Do I
(11:01):
like myself? Yeah, that's what's most important. And a year
ago I didn't. You know, I didn't. And sometimes you
have to do really hard and brave things that torch,
you know, your reputation or torch all of these things
which I have walked through, and I'm okay. I'm okay
because no matter how many people now have eyes and
(11:24):
access into saying whatever they want about me, I have
to learn it doesn't penetrate because if I'm secure and
confident and I love myself, it really doesn't matter what
people think of me.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
What happened a year ago.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Soccer stars Ashlyn Harris and Ali Krieger break up after
almost four years of marriage. I decided to leave my
marriage after almost four years and a decade of being together.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
How hard was that.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
It's the hardest thing I ever had to do in
my life. And I think people miss that. People think
only one person was in pain, or people think you
have to choose a side that you know, you have
to really punish this person because the idea you had
through social media didn't manage your expectations. However, you haven't
(12:21):
lived my experience. That is one thing I'm not willing
to compromise after I've done so for so long, is
live my life for other people through this lens of
social media, which just I can't do it anymore. It
destroys you. It destroys you, and you get so caught
up in it that you think it's reality. It's not.
(12:45):
It's really not. And I just got to a point
where I didn't recognize the person I looked at in
the mirror, and I hated that person. Why. I just
was so broken. I was so damn it, I have
so broken, and I wanted someone to love me so bad.
I caved every bit of who I was inside to
(13:08):
try to be more lovable, to be enough. Just wanted
to be enough. I wanted to walk. I wanted to
be able to walk through the door and someone miss me,
want me, need me in a way that wasn't so business,
that wasn't so on the field, everyone thought it was
this way. But at home, I felt like I was
(13:30):
living with a stranger and I just had to take
my power back, and unfortunately, like people were hurt in
that process. And I want to make room for both
because it's not easy, Like everyone has an experience, however
only one experience played out in the media, which is
quite difficult.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
You said something that I think is very fair. And
everybody can wrate the feeling of wanting to be loved
and the feeling of wanting to be needed and belonging
and feeling enough. There's not one person on this entire
planet that can't relate to that feeling of wanting that
or needing that. You get married, and are you happy
(14:14):
right away when you get married.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
I was told by a lot of people and society
in general, that there's no such thing as a perfect human,
there's no perfect relationship. So I said, Okay, I love
this human so much. I want to make this work.
(14:36):
And even though I'm sacrificing, I'm sacrificing what makes me
happy inside and seeing this is for the greater good,
because this is compromise. This is what relationships are. And
I think when you get you know, into the relationship,
and then by convenience of being on the same team,
(14:58):
traveling all the time together, someone understanding like your experience,
and then it all ending and you no longer have
that tie that roots you and your core. Oh and
you you take the fucking blinders off, and now we're
in real life situations and I don't have that sense
of connection understanding like I'm in the real world. I'm
(15:24):
working a real job. I want to come through the
door and my wife be like, I love you, I
miss you, I see you. Let's do this, let's do that.
Let's you know, sleeping next to someone doesn't make a marriage. No,
Like yeah to me, I just I constantly wanted more,
and I constantly wanted the feeling of being loved the
(15:45):
same way I loved and I just dropped that because
I thought that's what I had to do to make
the relationship work. Until I no longer knew who I
was anymore. And it's like you, you kind of go
through this process of wanting something so bad you're willing
(16:05):
to sacrifice at all, But at what costs?
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Yeah, at what cost your mental whomever's mental, like being
in an environment that doesn't make you happy. I hope
I'm hearing you correctly, and I'm just gonna mirror back
what I think I heard you say. Once you stop playing,
once you all stop having something in common, you had
nothing in common. H'steep. It's the reality It's like when
(16:31):
kids leave the nest and it's an empty nest and
parents have to decide that they have to talk to
each other and they don't have the kids in common anymore,
something like that, You know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Yeah, And I think that you're hearing me completely correctly.
I think she loved the game so much and all
she knew was how to sacrifice her life for the game.
Then when you add children, which is a whole different layer.
I just I just felt like I wasn't a priority.
I didn't feel that like I didn't feel that sense
(17:06):
of connection, whether emotional or physical. It was soccer, job, kids,
and then somewhere down the line it was like, okay,
but like what about me? What about me?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
People function like that, I would I'd be hard pressed
to find couples currently male female female female male male
who have kids, in a life and everything else matters,
but their partner, their partner is the last person that
they pay attention to. That's like a that's every day.
I can tell my I have girlfriends who told me
(17:41):
that all the time. Without their lives. They're like, I
don't even know what's going on. I have a roommate, I'm.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Functuate, the intimacy stops.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Yes, you know it, and you wanted it, and by
the way, you deserve it.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I am a very anyone who knows me, I am
so touchy feeling, you know, the second I get you're
the storying, Hey, I'm lugging. I love you. I see you. Yeah,
but like you can only give, give, give, give, give, give,
gives so much until you really have nothing, nothing left,
and you your shell of a human. I became very,
(18:14):
very good at dissociating, and that's what my therapists knew
right away. It was my ability to sit and suffer,
my ability to disassociate, and my ability to serve other
people before my own ones and needs, which I genuinely
think probably kept me in that marriage for as long
as it did. And then I started, you know, I
(18:36):
started trying all these things, let's do an open marriage,
and I'm like, that's just not even me, dude. Like
a year before we officially called it quits, that was
like my last attempt of you know, if I'm not
getting what I want, we want to keep this together,
which is also the strains of the public eye places
(18:56):
on you. You feel like you can't make the brave
and hard decisions because you know the impact and wave
that will come.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
And that was my biggest fear. And imagine people saying
in marriages being unhappy and they don't have the public
eye I heard all the time. You're worried about the
judgment of your friends and your family. Could you imagine
what the weight of the world looking at you too?
I mean, yes, yes you can.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I can, absolutely. It is the closest eye. And I've
lived through some shit, and you know, we are very
open about our past. I've lived some really hard shit.
That was the first time I was like looking over
the edge. It was the first time I was like,
(19:42):
someone needs to take this nine milimeter and get it
the fuck away from me. Like I was at a
probably the lowest lowis lowis. I was like, I don't
think honestly, I was like, I can't survive this.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I don't love that.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
I was like, and meanwhile, I was being torched while
I was trying to raise two K and go through
this process and make sure that my storm didn't become theirs.
So it was hard. It was really And I don't
think people get.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
No, they don't even think you're human. They don't even
know who you are, they're writing and talk about you. Yeah,
at Haack, Why do you think you were vilified in
the breakup?
Speaker 2 (20:28):
I think because to everyone else. I was always taught
to not air your dirty laundry to your friends, to anyone,
so I kept it very quiet about you know, my
closest friends knew, right like people knew. You know, you
(20:48):
stop looking the same, and you stop smiling, and you
stop carrying yourself with the same intention you do when
you're light and you're at peace. And there was just
I didn't like the person I was. I didn't like
who I was as a teammate. I was angry because
I felt like I couldn't get out and I felt
(21:12):
like it was my outlet. Sport became my outlet to
get that pain out, and I felt like I couldn't
tell anyone because we were teammates and so much of
our situation was so webbed and it was like a
really hard, painful process that you do alone. You sit
in silence alone, because I didn't want to disrespect her
(21:36):
by talking about it in the locker room or any
conversation like in locker room, that's like the safest way,
of course.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Yeah, you're like, I just you didn't want to do
that because you respected her and you couldn't. Really, it
wasn't Yeah, it wasn't appropriate.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
And it's not an easy conversation to have with anyone,
to carry the shame of not feeling loved and wanted.
It's like I didn't. I felt so embarrassed and I
felt so much shame that I didn't know how to
tell people that, like, oh, my wife doesn't want to
touch me or doesn't want to be intimate or doesn't
(22:10):
want this, and it's like, how do you even fucking
start that conversation that is uncomfortable?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Would she disagree with your assessment of the relationship. Would
she say that's not true. I did want to touch her,
I did want to be with her at all.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
No, she can't say that because we weren't intimate the
entire part of our marriage. So that's I mean, facts
are just the facts. It is what it is, and
it's not you know, you have these conversations and this
isn't working for me. This feels hard, and you know,
after week after week, month after month, year after year,
(22:44):
you're just like there's nothing left to say, and then
you slowly if you're not growing together, you're growing apart.
We just yeah, I became a stranger, not only within
myself but within my relationship. And the worst thing that
you know you can do is start pushing that on
your young children, because that's where you find that sense
(23:05):
of worth. Yeah, that's where you find that sense of need.
And I didn't want to do that to my kids.
I don't want them. I don't want to project my
shame and insecurity in my marriage on them. Because I
wasn't getting what I needed out of it. I had
to do the hard thing.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I had to do the hard thing. And you know,
I don't think anybody wants to go through a divorce.
I don't think anybody wants to deal with that drama.
I don't think anybody in silence for that point.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
But I loved her so much like I was willing
to sacrifice it all in it it cost me everything.
I lost myself, I lost my self worth, a sense
of who I am, like I just was such. I
was damaged. And you get to a point. I remember,
(23:52):
once I had the hard conversation with one of my friends.
Once I told the truth, I could and stop telling it,
And then I fucking ran because I knew once I
said it, and once I put it out there, there
was no taking it back. And that's when I knew
it was done. And you know, we had all these
(24:14):
conversations about waiting till after the season and coming out
with the joint statement, and I had it literally became
life or death for me. And that's when I knew
if I wanted to be the parent for those children,
I still had to figure out a life worth living.
(24:38):
And I was not in a good place. I was
not I was unsafe. I'll say that like I would
be driving a car and I would think about ways
I could just end it or flip it or and
I just once it gets that dark, there's no playbook
to leaving something. There's no oh, right way. I mean,
(25:02):
I dropped the rope and I ran, ooh, I ran,
and there's just no going back.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
You're listening to Naked Sports back in a moment. So
we all know. Breakups are not easy, especially a public breakup,
And when Ashland and Ali Kreeger separated, the rumors and
the tabloids were just non stop. What's the biggest misconception,
(25:32):
the biggest lie, the misinformation about the breakup that bothers
you to this day.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
That I'm constantly pegged as a cheater, which is that
that is so far from the truth, and she knows it,
and she knows it, and it torched me. And I
think she and you know exactly who I am. She
was in so much pain and rightfully so yeah, and
I want to make room for her experience. I really
(26:02):
thought she never thought I would leave. I just don't
think all the comp I don't think she ever took
me seriously.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
She just thought you'd be there no matter.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
What, even when I asked her. You know, she was
my first phone call when I got the lawyer. She
was totally fine. Thanks for the heads up on the mediator,
send me the paperwork. It was. I called her right
after we had because we were already moved out, which
a lot of people don't know that. People think I
just up and left. But I was living separately than
(26:32):
her through the summer and I had my own apartment
and people were starting to recognize me. So I was like,
we have to come out with a joint statement, like
people know I live here. But I think once it
all blew up and it affected her last season, she
was pissed and she was angry and that's when and
rightfully so, like there are things that if I could
(26:54):
have this perfect playbook ending where it was very it
just was, no, we're going to be that.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
I don't know any breakup that it was.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Never going to be that. I remember calling her saying, Hey,
the lawyer thinks like if we jointly file, it won't
be such an issue. Because the tabloids were calling our agents.
They knew we got rid of the dogs. There was
all these things going on that people were like catching
wind of, so you know, people were reaching out to
their agent, be my agent. Her agent at the time
(27:24):
were the same, like, hey, this is what we're figuring out,
Like do you have any statements? So I kept being like,
we have to we have to get ahead of this,
we have to say something. And you know, the whole
plan was to hold off until the end of the season.
And I remember calling and saying, you want to jointly file,
like this is going to be what's best and she said, na,
(27:48):
you'll come crawling back in six months. And I filed,
and then all of a sudden she was blindsided by it.
And I'm like, I gave you the opportunity and you
were like, I just don't think I ever believed it.
So I'm not taking anything away from her experience. There's
always two sides to a story. Yeah, three, yeah, total,
(28:10):
And I want to make space and room for her
pain because that matters to me and her healing process.
And I understand that she was you know, listen, I'm
not an idiot. There has like for someone to not
want to be intimate with me for that long, I
must not be like you must not be happy either, Like,
(28:33):
but every time in therapy I would ask, like, you know,
what is it you know? And sometimes I'd be met
by we're together too much. I don't miss you. I
don't miss but those are things I can't correct or
fixed to grow together.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Yeah, we're on the same tam. I can't help that.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
I can't. Yeah, like this is the choice we made
or are raising kids. I So I just I feel
like I was damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
How how have you? Because I met you at the
end of things. And I say this for anybody listening
watching me whatever. I purposely don't google people's drama because
I've had my own, so I hate when people google
me and assume they know me. But when I met you,
I just saw, oh, well, she's so loving, so sweet,
so kind, so beautiful, so dressed nice, all the things
(29:21):
that I love right very vain, nothing, no substance to
what I was saying, just because I just But what
I did recognized right away was how kind you were,
how warm you are, how how giving you were. You
didn't know me, you could have been very standoffish, and
I felt to me I spoke to who you were
at your core. I think that I would have been
(29:42):
more guarded if I were you, meaning like meeting new people,
because you were in the tabloids and still are. I
think I would have been more guarded. You were very gracious,
and that has probably a lot to do with you
or what I say. You're seeing sense. You can see people,
you can just see them at their core. Usually people
I've been through a lot understand and can identify all
(30:03):
of those things. So here you are. I think you
guys are so in love. You and Sophia. I love
I love her. I think she's a mean, I mean,
she's amazing. Yeah, And I see you guys interacting, and
I think she's happy. Who doesn't want this? A lot
is happy. I'm like, who doesn't want? Why are we?
(30:24):
Who cares? And I know that I am probably simplifying it,
but do we have to get caught up in the
dates and the times and the exact moments when someone
is happy, Like shouldn't we want two people to be happy?
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Yeah? And this is what because you know, during this process,
I was very much so speaking to my therapist and
even for me, I was like, I am damaged, Like
I am not ready for anything remotely, Like I just
wanted to go out and rage. Yeah, like I did.
And I had these conversations with my agency because I
(31:01):
was worried. I was like, no one knows what has happened,
No one knows that this is what it is. If
I go out like and start dating around like people
are going to like, what do I do? I couldn't
hide anymore, Like I couldn't I fucking pretend. I've been
pretending for years now. You want me to keep pretending?
(31:22):
And I just couldn't do it anymore. And I don't
want to feel bad about that, but at the expense
of opening my life up to receive the type of
love I always imagined because of who that was, who
is heavily in the entertainment space. It blew everything wide open,
(31:48):
it really did it. That's that's you know, someone who
never was with women, you know, never was a relationship
with like and then all of a sudden we went on,
like I think we were two weeks. I think when
everything went public in October, we had gone on our
(32:09):
first date two weeks before that. So all of these
things are going on, and you know, rightfully, so she's
Sophia is used to this. Yeah, You're like, you know,
this world's message. She's like, hey, you got to get
on this this call, So I call my agent. I'm
fucking panicked. I'm trying to like figure this out. And
(32:29):
there were like people magazines calling and they're taking all
these rumors and running with them unless we say something
and this and that, and I was always the one.
I was like, I'm not saying shit. I don't know
anyone anything. I'm not saying anything to tabloids. I'm not
saying anything to anyone any journalists. I'm not doing any podcasts.
I am sitting in my integrity because I don't want
(32:51):
to say something I can't take back because I was
in so much pain, right so, It's like at that time,
I'm like, how on earth am I going to sit
down and tell my truth when I am in shambles.
I rather just sit in my integrity. However, this the
media wants to play this, They're going to play it.
I mean, there were bees.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
Sophia Bush says that she was just as surprised by
her blossoming relationship with Ashland Harris as was the rest
of the world.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
The whole situation was so escalated, more than it should
have been, and it was just so innocent and so
pure and so unexpected in a lot of ways. And
even through the fire, it was almost like the universe
(33:39):
pushed us closer together because we had no choice. We
started blowing up and we were in this new found
space together because I was literally like, oh, I thought
you were straight, and she goes, oh, I thought you
were happy, and you know her like, she's fine, that's
that funny.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
But because she's like, I thought you were calling me out.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Yeah, oh, she spits it right back. Yeah, she's a firecracker.
But I told my therapist, I'm like, I am in
the worst season of my life. I am in the
worst version. I am the worst version of myself and
still like, you know me, I am this soft because
of the trauma I.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Have face, and you could be so hard. I could be.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
So hard and I could. And this is what drove
Sophia mad. She was like, just tell your truth. Just
you know, she's about justice. Yeah, she fights for her
truth and her people. And I just was like, I
have two young children. I have I you know what
my fight is protecting and showing up for them and
giving them the best version of myself.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
I have to have a relationship with the mother.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yeah. There's just no part of me that felt like
I had to come back and say something or you know,
really show the public all the truth and the receipts
and the text. Just I loved her. I still I
love her. She is the mother of my children. That
love will never go away. And I would never try
(35:07):
to torture reputation, torture her ability to provide for herself
and the children, Like, That's not who I am. And
no matter how painful this process has been, and trust me,
there are moments when I'm like I just want to
fucking rip my hair out. I know I stand in
my integrity. It will not make me feel better by
(35:31):
hurting her like I want her to be happy. I
want nothing but the best for her. I care about her,
like genuinely care about her. There is a reason we
decided to have children together. There's a reason we were
together for a decade. Some relationships just don't work, and
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
That's okay, by the way. As simple as that said,
it's so complicated. It's simple. As it said, it's so complicated.
It just didn't work. And there are so many questions
as to why. But once you make peace with the
fact that it didn't work, it just didn't work. I
don't know what I have to put together to make
you understand that, but I what I'm hearing is that
it didn't matter if it was Sophia. It could have
(36:16):
been anyone who came along and lit your fire and
and made you feel like you were miss you were
getting what you had been missing. And it could have
been true love with the person who connected with your spirit.
It just happened to be Sophia. You were already out
the door. You were already checked out in terms of
I'm just walking through life. Yeah you weren't. It wasn't
(36:38):
like you were like I'm looking for someone to cheat with.
I'm looking for a new person to.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Be what would have done that a long time ago.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
Yeah, it sounds like you just you found someone, you
found your person.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Well, I you know, through trauma. I think your memory,
you know, I don't have much memory. I remember so beautifully.
Is like I just have this visual of laying in
the trenches because I was being burnt alive. I was
in the trenches and she just came and laid right
(37:13):
right next to me.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
Oh so beautiful she did.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
She just came in and was like, if you're gonna burn,
I'm gonna fucking sit right here with you in the dark,
and when you're ready to get up, we're gonna walk
to the light. Like she was so patient and so kind.
I'll never forget when there was a self magazine cover
that came out and Ali had things to say that
are not my truth. But I'm not going to take
(37:37):
away her truth. Sure, just not mine. Sure, and just
broke me. It broke me because you know what, the
thing that broke me the most is I had an
emergency therapy session and I just was like, her experience
is just so false and further from mine, and and
my therapist was so wonderful, and they said, this is
(37:59):
her experience and you can't change that. She's allowed to
grieve this way if this is her truth. This is
her truth. But if she would have saw you and
your side, you wouldn't even be in the position you are.
Stop expecting the change, stop expecting to be heard, stop
expecting to be seen and be met with. That is
(38:22):
that is literally the single handed reason why you're not
together anymore. And it was I'm that person. I always
want to see the best, and I always want to
see it through and even at the expense of my happiness.
And I was like, oh wow. And that's when I
really was like, we're just going to have two versions
of this which are very different, and she's going to
(38:44):
have to be okay with my version and I'm going
to have to be okay with hers. But the whole
point is we never spoke the same language which got
us here in the first place.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
You guys never saw it the same. You guys are
communicating differently all the time.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
And she said that in therapy, she was like some
version of like I like was listening, I just didn't
hear you.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
And that's something like that and not the case for
all relationships when they break up.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Yeah, but you know, it's also like it's a hard
lifestyle that we live, you do, and we are you know,
I said this about retirement. People talk about retirement. I
felt like, you know, I retired at thirty seven. I
felt like, for probably thirty years, someone was chasing me.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
What was that mean?
Speaker 2 (39:34):
I worked so hard because I always knew I had
a target on my back, and I always knew people
were chomping at my heels wanting to take my position.
So I did the work when no one was looking.
I never cut corners. But it was this, this life
I was constantly chasing because I didn't want someone to
pass me. I didn't want someone to be better than me.
(39:55):
I didn't want someone to be working harder than I was.
So I I lived this life of being chased for
a long time, and I was tired.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
Yeah, like I was tired. Have you ever and you have?
So I'm asking you this knowing the answer. When you
got with Sophia and you guys were together, were you
able to exhale, sleep better, feel better, move better?
Speaker 2 (40:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (40:27):
What what felt easier when you were with her? I
felt safe for the first time in probably a decade.
You felt safe.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
I felt safe. Yeah, there was something about her that
made me feel safe and seene and that was even
like just as friends at the beginning, she was just
a kind, safe heart and someone I could talk to
those And the best part is is she introduced me
to this group of women and it was like I
(41:00):
couldn't tell my teammates or my colleagues anything. You know.
At the time, I was the creative consultant for Gotham
and my agent called me and said, they want you
to stop coming, to stop coming to games because it's
distracting how And I just was like, Wow, I can't
(41:22):
see my friends because they feel the need to choose.
I can't go to my job because you know, I
worked so hard to build the future of that club
and the second anything and the club knew from the beginning.
They were the one helping us draw out statements. You know.
(41:42):
I was very open and honest, this is what's coming.
I don't want you guys to be blindsided, so you're
ready for it, Like everyone knew in that club. And
then they were like, stop coming.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
How many did you lose friends? You were surprised that
you lose that you lost I.
Speaker 2 (41:59):
Lost everything besides my worth, like I lost everything. I
lost friends, I lost jobs, I lost money, I lost
my marriage. I walked out of my home with trash
bags like I lost everything. But it was the It
(42:21):
would have been that, or it would have been a funeral.
There was there was no there was, there was. The
teeter was so real, it was it was bad. And
how much is one person willing to flirt with fire?
I mean, I'm lucky to be sitting here and that's
not a this or that or like you know, it
(42:43):
just was the realness and the magnitude and the effect
it had on me.
Speaker 1 (42:54):
I hate that for you, but I'm here.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
And this is life. But it And I said this
to so If not long ago, because she's always like,
why don't you just say you're truth? Like you're too kind.
(43:23):
My trauma has made me this gentle.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
I understand that, and what she chooses to do with
it is up to her, because I will not change.
This won't make me hard. It will make space for
people struggling who I have no idea what they've bought.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
I understand. I think everything that you're saying in terms
of your trauma making you this gentle is really beautiful
because there's so much, especially in today's world, there's so
much for us to be mad at, so many things
(44:13):
for us to be angry and upset about. And I
think that when I see you for the wind, thank
you for the tissue, thank you, I think that I
(44:34):
am encouraged my behavior. I'm encouraged. I'm glad. You're so sweet.
It makes me feel like there's a world where, no
matter how shitty things are, especially now, there are still
ways to find joy and to find peace and to
(44:54):
find gentleness. And that's what you consistently display. But I
think why I'm kind of emotional is because I think,
no matter how kind and sweet you are, I think
it's I think it hurts you that people cut you
off and they want your friend, Yeah, and they have
judged you and they don't know who you are, and
that hurts. It hurts. I know it hurts.
Speaker 4 (45:18):
It is, But I have a choice every day how
I choose to show up in a world that's so dark.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
I have a choice. And as hard as this has
been and as much pain as like it's been for
her my ex wife, yeah, because she's in pain. She's
in pain, she's pain too.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
She might display it differently, she might tell people express
it differently, but she's in pain too.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
But it doesn't change like the decade I was with
her in the life. I belt with her, we belt
and I always we'll have love for her, and that's changed.
No matter what. Yeah, no matter what is said or
you know, I can take it. It doesn't make it easy.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
You're listening to Naked Sports Back in a moment, Welcome
back to Naked Sports. So Ashland is in love with
Sophia Bush, co parenting with an ex, and now reintroducing
her new self to old friends.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
It's it's understanding that things aren't always perfect and life
is tough. It's so tough.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
But this is the realness of living in a canceled culture.
You know, so you officially feel as if you were canceled.
Speaker 2 (46:47):
Not that I was officially canceled. I just think that
my friends didn't want to be seen with me because
I was too big of a liability.
Speaker 1 (46:59):
Like because you because you do. You see how silly
this sounds to me. Because you fell in love with
someone else, you were a liability. How is that even
possible in today's America?
Speaker 2 (47:09):
And anyone who has spent like five to ten minutes
and can see the joy in which I bring when
I am not carry I am not the same person
I was.
Speaker 1 (47:19):
No, I've only known you after.
Speaker 2 (47:21):
Yeah, so it's like I have to reintroduce myself to
a lot of people because that damage broken puppy that
was just following and try. You know, I'm not hurt. Yeah,
I'm not hurt.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
And they have to allow you to evolve. Yeah, they
have to allow you to be someone new.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
The hardest part for me too, especially when it comes
to my friends and my teammates, is I know so much.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
Yeah, damn, I know so much. It's staying eyroad right,
it stocks stay put your shit in the nose. Yeah
I won't.
Speaker 2 (48:01):
It's really interesting to know.
Speaker 1 (48:03):
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (48:05):
Oh to know, I know, I know. God, people were
so quick to use the side. I'm like, Okay, I still.
Speaker 1 (48:13):
Have receipts, but I'm gonna leave that here. I totally
can relate to that. I totally know what you're saying.
You talked about how you lost a lot this this transition.
I know that you're working, you have a lot of opportunities,
but there still will be more do you see the
beautiful alchemy and it all maybe it was everything had
(48:36):
to burn down so I can rise again and it
can be true and pure. Everything that you work on,
everything that you touch, all of the relationships that you
make have to be authentic and if they're not, that's fine.
But you know what, You're introducing yourself to new people
every single day and you're making new relationships and working
on new things, and that is you at your highest self.
(48:58):
Maybe maybe that's what you feel.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
Well, it has allowed me to I think, so it's it.
And you said this before. When you were in sports, right,
everyone just pegged you as this like commentator in sports,
but there was so much more to you. There's so
much more you wanted to do and check off and
how you wanted to show up in the space and
(49:23):
not just be grouped into this one type thing. I
think I knew I was special. I've always known I'm special.
Soccer was never you know, we spoke about this the
other day. Soccer was my way out. It was my
way to provide a better life for myself. So I
had a different vision of what it looked like. I
(49:45):
didn't necessarily do it because I loved it. It just
was my fucking job. That was it? Right, So I
knew once life changed for me, I'd be okay because
it wasn't a happiness, wasn't correlated to how successful I
was as a soccer player. Was I getting my money?
Speaker 3 (50:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (50:03):
Sure?
Speaker 2 (50:03):
Was I getting a lot of it?
Speaker 1 (50:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (50:06):
And then it was like I'm ready to balance, and
now it's opened Otherwise. You know, I was the creative
director of Gotham, and I was doing all these things,
and I was going to start this fashion line. I
was doing all these you know, in my mind, I
really wanted to show how I could do things differently
(50:26):
than the coach or the commentator. And now I'm in
this space where I'm in film, I'm in docs, and
I am consulting and creatively producing things now that I
never thought I could imagine I would be sitting in
such a privileged space like hello Sunshine, where bosses are
(50:49):
reaching out being like, God, you're just so good at
this and we love having you here. And I walked
into this like, oh, I'm not deserving of it, right,
because if this is the mentality we carry with us,
I thought I was one dimensional and sports was my
thing and.
Speaker 1 (51:05):
Blah blah, blah.
Speaker 2 (51:06):
It's all the things you tell yourself that's just so
fucking far from the truth. And I walked in there
and I was like, whoa, this is like a sense
of belonging and worth. I'm good at this, Like I'm
actually good at it, and I could do this. And
it's not even because I've met with so many people
in the space who who are directors, who are filming,
(51:28):
are doing sportstocks and they were like, why the fuck
do you want to be behind the camera? We need
you in front of it.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
Yeah, you can do both.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
Yeah, And now I'm like, yeah, how you do?
Speaker 1 (51:38):
You could do both?
Speaker 2 (51:39):
And you know, starting this new show with iHeart and
being a part of Deep Blue and bringing money into
women's sports and doing it strategically and doing it creatively
and doing it different. I'm just I'm doing Yeah, I'm
working all these jobs and I'm like, holy shit, how
do I even keep up? And I'm a parent. But
(52:00):
I love it. I love working this month. I love creating.
And it's also I live life through storytelling. You do
so to be able to work with the Hello Sunshine,
to tell the story of the stories of women in
sports by women, women who have lived it, who've lived,
who've experienced it. I just get it. I come with
(52:22):
a different, unique perspective. But I'm also given the platform
and leverage to run with it. Like we talked about
this the other day of women pulling back their egos
and allowing other people to come in and shine. My
bosses and my executives and my teams literally will come
(52:44):
in and say you take this meeting. You're like wait,
and I'm like.
Speaker 1 (52:47):
Oh god, the meeting. Are you sure you want me?
Speaker 2 (52:53):
And to be able to do it and nail it
and have your boss be like, well done, you did.
You did a great job. I love working with you.
We love your perspective, we love your passion, we love
your insight.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
I always feel like, just your time to be celebrated.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
It's time.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
It's your time to be celebrated. It's your time to
be and I don't want to say validated, but it's
your time to know that everything that you have done
for was for this moment, the good and the bad,
especially the bad. You're brave. You are brave. People are
sitting betimes. You don't have a choice. You don't have
(53:32):
a choice. But some people may not have a choice
and still sit in misery and refuse to just deal
with all the shit that comes with being brave. That's
why it's called brave. You have a new podcast, tell
Me Wide Open, which I love the title because you
are so open. I mean, you're completely naked. When you
and I both have titles that speak to what we
(53:53):
want to put out in the world. Why did you
decide why to open in terms of the cattle and
what do you want to do with your podcast?
Speaker 2 (54:03):
So I came up with the name. Which is the
best part of working with is they're giving me so
much creative control, which is a lot of the reason
why I'm doing it. I think for so long I've
been told to act and say and be a certain way,
and I want to just strip all those layers. And
for me, wide open is you know, clearly everyone in
(54:24):
sports knows wide open. It's really just seizing the opportunity
to separate yourself and attack whatever you're doing, you know,
really going after this moment in sport of separating yourself
from the pact, and then you've got to execute right.
So for me, I've been wide open my whole life.
(54:46):
I'm what you see is what you get, and I
have a unique ability, which is such a privilege, but
it's also a responsibility. I see people, and whether I
see you for three minutes or a hour or fifth,
it doesn't even matter. I want to make space for
people's experience. And in this world, especially the climate we're
(55:09):
living in right now, it's so dark, and we have
to show up for each other because people need each other. Like,
this is literally the first time we've talked. We've had
this conversation one hundred times, and it's the first time
you and I are like, really, the emotion is really
coming through. And I think the ability to feel safe
enough to share, to share to I think you and
(55:31):
I have a unique opportunity to allow people to have
space to really show up as themselves, to be vulnerable,
to be open, to be all of these things we're
told not to be because it's a sign of weakness.
Oh it's not. I'm just taking my narrative back. I'm
taking my power back. I'm tired of the media destroying
(55:55):
us and you know, really putting people again to each other,
and I just I want to softly, respectfully do the
right thing by telling people's stories and telling stories that
matter and being vulnerable and knowing that that that is
what makes life so special, and I think we've gotten
(56:18):
away from that. And that's why I told iHeart. I
was like, I want my interviews to be in person.
I want to feel the space and connection. I want
someone to be like, oh, I am held in this
moment in a way maybe I never have, Like even Brooke,
you know, I had Brooke on my show and she's like,
this is the first time I'm telling the story.
Speaker 1 (56:39):
Yeah, because she feels you yeah, and she feels safe,
it feels seen, And I think this is a part
of my healing journey too.
Speaker 2 (56:48):
It really is. It's like I need to be able
to feel safe enough to have these conversations because it
makes me who I am and I'm not ashamed of it.
Speaker 1 (56:59):
And your healing other people in the process, and how
we will do that's life. Naked Sports written and executive
produced by me Carrie Champion, produced by jacqueses Thomas, sound
design and mastered by Dwayne Crawford. Associate producer Olabusaio. Shabby
Naked Sports is a part of the Black Effect podcast
(57:19):
network in iHeartMedia
Hey, everybody, it's Carrie Champion, the host of Naked Sports.
(00:03):
I appreciate you listening and for this episode in particular,
I just wanted to let you all know that Ashlyn
Harris has shared a very personal, loving, and brave story
with us today. For some of you, the topic matter
may make you a little uncomfortable, but telling her truth
(00:24):
I believe can serve as a bridge to help others
really understand that they are not alone and whatever struggle
that they're dealing with in life. I am so grateful
that this brave woman decided to share her story with me.
We appreciate you for listening. Enjoy this edition of Naked Sports.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
My name is Ashlyn Harris. I am a retired professional
soccer player. I'm a two time World Cup champion, and
I am now a creative consultant and producer when it
comes to film and sports, agency, sports firms, all the things.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Welcome to Naked Sports, the podcast where we live at
the intersection of sports, politics, and culture. Our purpose reveal
the common threads that bind them all.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
So what's happening in women's basketball right now is what
we've been trying to.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Get to for almost thirty years.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
From the stadiums where athletes to break barriers and set records.
Kaitlin Quark broke the all time single game assists record.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
This is crazy for rookies to be doing.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
To the polls where history is written, and now we
have Kamala Harrison. It feels more like women are sort
of taken what they've always deserved, as opposed to waiting
on somebody to give them what they deserve.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Our discussions will uncover the vital connections between these realms
and the community we create. In each episode, we'll sit
down with athletes, political analysts, and culture critics because the
core of it all, how we see one issue shines
a light on all others. Welcome to Naked Sports. I'm
your host, Carrie Champion, so I already know you can
(02:16):
feel the vibes. I'm a huge fan of Ashlyn Harris.
I was a fan of her playing style on the field.
I'm a fan of her style when she's off the field.
I think she's beautiful and kind while also being careful
and guarded if need be. But I was sold when
I knew she was a sensitive soul that will be
(02:36):
that ass if need be. I totally get her. I
know that you have talked very honestly about what that
transition would be like once you got done playing professional soccer.
But I think you're landing pretty softly. How do you
feel about the landing?
Speaker 4 (02:51):
You know?
Speaker 2 (02:51):
I was always I was always so I played behind
Hope solo for ten years, and I knew at the time,
as long as I was, you know, really pursuing this
whole life in sports, the chances of me playing in
front of her would be slim to none unless something
catastrophic happened. So I started building a brand outside of sports.
(03:13):
So it wasn't about the next four to eight years
of my life. It was about the next forty to fifty.
So before Instagram and all of these things became a thing,
I knew I looked different. I was the only one
on the team absolutely covered in tattoos and looked the
way I did. I started modeling, and I started doing
stuff with brands and influencing and doing get readies with
(03:36):
me and doing T shirt lines, and I was just
really diversifying who I was because soccer wasn't enough for me.
I had a very very creative side, so I became
one of like heavily marketed players on the team based
on being outspoken, being queer, being an advocate, really talking
about hard topics like mental health, and it really just
(04:00):
shaped me into leading, leading me through doors that maybe
might be different than most people who retire who want
to be a coach and want to stay in the
sports world and commentate, and I wanted to do more
creative work when it came to having a brand strategy
(04:21):
to how to invest in women's sports and women's stories
and entertainment.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
You are very and I'll just say the state the obvious.
You're very striking. So when you walk in a room,
people are going to be interested in you no matter
what you do. You could be like I make cookies,
Like what kind of cookies? Like peanut butter chocolate chip?
I am you know what I mean? So you are
used to getting a lot of attention. How was it?
(04:46):
Playing behind helped solo for ten years.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
It was really great for me in a lot of
ways because her as a player, she was the best.
She worked really hard, She put her head down and
she just fucking worked. Can I cuss on this?
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Absolutely?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Okay. I was just making sure it was like oh no, no, fine.
She was tough too, you know, we spent so much
time together. It was just tough personally for me because
she was very shut off and not very friendly and
when it came to having a relationship outside of sport.
But I knew it was professional and I respected that.
(05:26):
You know, just because we work together, we don't have
to be friends. But yeah, I would. I it was hard.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That's that's a mature attitude. Just because we were together,
it means that we don't have to be friends. There
is something about women, specifically women love to be friends
with their colleagues, and when it doesn't work out that way,
it's hard for us to separate our emotions because we
don't know how to compartmentalize. And I'm not taking for
all women, but by and large, did you feel like
she was jealous of you? Did you feel like she
(05:53):
was mean to you? Do you feel like she didn't
want to be your friend? Was it Brett Favor Aaron
Rodgers situation.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I don't know. I think that she was there to
do a job. I think she was there to do
a job and her priority wasn't to make sure I
felt okay, truthfully, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I respect that. I respect that too, Like that a lot.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Listen, are young, what can show up? And gay girl
that's covered in tats, She's probably like take a seat,
you know, like I watch and learn, Yeah, watch and learn.
I don't. I don't hate on it. Listen. I didn't
like all my teammates. I still don't like all my teammates.
It's just because you know, we are in this chemistry
bubble where everyone thinks you have to have the best
(06:35):
chemistry to be the best team. No, you just have
to be the best, and you have to like put
work above yourself. And you know, all the bullshit off
the field. And she, you know, she she showed up,
she did her job. She wasn't there to make sure
I felt okay about myself.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
I love it you say that. I remember when the
Las Vegas Aces won their second championship. I think it
was back to back, and one of the players said
the reason why we were able to beat the was
because they don't like each other.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Do you have to truly.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Like your teammate in order to win? I don't believe
that's true.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
No. I mean, think about all the things that we've
you know, we've heard in the past, like you know, Kobe.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Bryant, I was the first person about us.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
You know, he's like, pass me the ball. I don't
care how that makes you feel. You're not good enough
to have the ball in your hands. The last out second,
I don't trust you. I don't have to trust you.
This isn't about me and you being friends. This is
about winning. We get paid to win, we get paid
to perform. So I like, you know, I see all
these documentaries coming out about just this tiff and you know,
(07:38):
Hope solo this, and she's been in headlines forever being
controversial or this. Listen, she showed up, she did her
fucking job, how she treated people. She's got to sit
with that, not me. Like, she won at every level,
So what are you gonna knock her there? I mean,
her personal life had nothing to do with our work relationship.
(08:00):
Does that make sense.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
At the time of this interview, Ashlynn is well into
a new life beyond playing soccer, a new relationship and
a new perspective about her future. But more importantly, she
has a new way to protect her peace by any
means necessary. You don't have to like me.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
I'm good like I don't. I'm not here to make that.
I like a job at my job like, I'm just
that's too much energy for me. I'm gonna show up.
I'm gonna be the best I absolutely can be. I'm
gonna put my team first. And if you don't fucking
like me, great, keep a push in, but let's win.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
I can relate to someone being like, Look, life has
taught me a few things, and the one thing I
know that I can depend on time and time again
is myself. And you carry yourself in that manner, and
I understand that deeply on my core. It is often
misconstrued by other people though as standoff, is not friendly, selfish,
(09:01):
all the things. Selfish gets a bad rap though I
don't mind selfish, but it can be labeled as not
a positive. How does that make you feel as your core?
Because you know who you are? How does that make
you feel at your core?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I think if I really cared what other people thought
of me, I probably wouldn't be sitting on this couch
with you. I think as someone who grew up in
the public eye, who has been constantly under some type
of scrutiny or this or that, like, you just get
to a point where, like I know, when I lay
(09:37):
my head down at night, am I showing up as
a human like am I a good mom? Am I
a good partner? Am I a good daughter? Like? Am I?
All of these things? Just you get to an age
where you just stop giving a fuck what other people
think of you because you can't change it anyways. So
I'm not gonna carry and a lot of it is
(09:58):
projected trauma when I'm learning very much so right now,
especially in therapy, especially after the last year, is the
projection that people have based on their own scars. It's
not my burden to carry. Like I'm good with the
decisions I've made. Do I always get it right? No?
(10:19):
But I continue to wake up to choose to be
excellent and everything I do, and that is the way
I lead my life is I put my ego aside
on a servant. I love to serve other people. However,
I've had to learn the balance of being an athlete
has taught me to suffer. I have been made into
(10:39):
a machine. So my ability to sit and suffer and
minimize what my wants and needs because that's what made
me a team player, That's what made me good at
my job. So I'm learning this balance and understanding that
I can't always focus on what people think. I'm not
everyone's going to like me? Okay? With that? Do I
(11:01):
like myself? Yeah, that's what's most important. And a year
ago I didn't. You know, I didn't. And sometimes you
have to do really hard and brave things that torch,
you know, your reputation or torch all of these things
which I have walked through, and I'm okay. I'm okay
because no matter how many people now have eyes and
(11:24):
access into saying whatever they want about me, I have
to learn it doesn't penetrate because if I'm secure and
confident and I love myself, it really doesn't matter what
people think of me.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
What happened a year ago.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Soccer stars Ashlyn Harris and Ali Krieger break up after
almost four years of marriage. I decided to leave my
marriage after almost four years and a decade of being together.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
How hard was that.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
It's the hardest thing I ever had to do in
my life. And I think people miss that. People think
only one person was in pain, or people think you
have to choose a side that you know, you have
to really punish this person because the idea you had
through social media didn't manage your expectations. However, you haven't
(12:21):
lived my experience. That is one thing I'm not willing
to compromise after I've done so for so long, is
live my life for other people through this lens of
social media, which just I can't do it anymore. It
destroys you. It destroys you, and you get so caught
up in it that you think it's reality. It's not.
(12:45):
It's really not. And I just got to a point
where I didn't recognize the person I looked at in
the mirror, and I hated that person. Why. I just
was so broken. I was so damn it, I have
so broken, and I wanted someone to love me so bad.
I caved every bit of who I was inside to
(13:08):
try to be more lovable, to be enough. Just wanted
to be enough. I wanted to walk. I wanted to
be able to walk through the door and someone miss me,
want me, need me in a way that wasn't so business,
that wasn't so on the field, everyone thought it was
this way. But at home, I felt like I was
(13:30):
living with a stranger and I just had to take
my power back, and unfortunately, like people were hurt in
that process. And I want to make room for both
because it's not easy, Like everyone has an experience, however
only one experience played out in the media, which is
quite difficult.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
You said something that I think is very fair. And
everybody can wrate the feeling of wanting to be loved
and the feeling of wanting to be needed and belonging
and feeling enough. There's not one person on this entire
planet that can't relate to that feeling of wanting that
or needing that. You get married, and are you happy
(14:14):
right away when you get married.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
I was told by a lot of people and society
in general, that there's no such thing as a perfect human,
there's no perfect relationship. So I said, Okay, I love
this human so much. I want to make this work.
(14:36):
And even though I'm sacrificing, I'm sacrificing what makes me
happy inside and seeing this is for the greater good,
because this is compromise. This is what relationships are. And
I think when you get you know, into the relationship,
and then by convenience of being on the same team,
(14:58):
traveling all the time together, someone understanding like your experience,
and then it all ending and you no longer have
that tie that roots you and your core. Oh and
you you take the fucking blinders off, and now we're
in real life situations and I don't have that sense
of connection understanding like I'm in the real world. I'm
(15:24):
working a real job. I want to come through the
door and my wife be like, I love you, I
miss you, I see you. Let's do this, let's do that.
Let's you know, sleeping next to someone doesn't make a marriage. No,
Like yeah to me, I just I constantly wanted more,
and I constantly wanted the feeling of being loved the
(15:45):
same way I loved and I just dropped that because
I thought that's what I had to do to make
the relationship work. Until I no longer knew who I
was anymore. And it's like you, you kind of go
through this process of wanting something so bad you're willing
(16:05):
to sacrifice at all, But at what costs?
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Yeah, at what cost your mental whomever's mental, like being
in an environment that doesn't make you happy. I hope
I'm hearing you correctly, and I'm just gonna mirror back
what I think I heard you say. Once you stop playing,
once you all stop having something in common, you had
nothing in common. H'steep. It's the reality It's like when
(16:31):
kids leave the nest and it's an empty nest and
parents have to decide that they have to talk to
each other and they don't have the kids in common anymore,
something like that, You know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Yeah, And I think that you're hearing me completely correctly.
I think she loved the game so much and all
she knew was how to sacrifice her life for the game.
Then when you add children, which is a whole different layer.
I just I just felt like I wasn't a priority.
I didn't feel that like I didn't feel that sense
(17:06):
of connection, whether emotional or physical. It was soccer, job, kids,
and then somewhere down the line it was like, okay,
but like what about me? What about me?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
People function like that, I would I'd be hard pressed
to find couples currently male female female female male male
who have kids, in a life and everything else matters,
but their partner, their partner is the last person that
they pay attention to. That's like a that's every day.
I can tell my I have girlfriends who told me
(17:41):
that all the time. Without their lives. They're like, I
don't even know what's going on. I have a roommate, I'm.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Functuate, the intimacy stops.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Yes, you know it, and you wanted it, and by
the way, you deserve it.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I am a very anyone who knows me, I am
so touchy feeling, you know, the second I get you're
the storying, Hey, I'm lugging. I love you. I see you. Yeah,
but like you can only give, give, give, give, give, give,
gives so much until you really have nothing, nothing left,
and you your shell of a human. I became very,
(18:14):
very good at dissociating, and that's what my therapists knew
right away. It was my ability to sit and suffer,
my ability to disassociate, and my ability to serve other
people before my own ones and needs, which I genuinely
think probably kept me in that marriage for as long
as it did. And then I started, you know, I
(18:36):
started trying all these things, let's do an open marriage,
and I'm like, that's just not even me, dude. Like
a year before we officially called it quits, that was
like my last attempt of you know, if I'm not
getting what I want, we want to keep this together,
which is also the strains of the public eye places
(18:56):
on you. You feel like you can't make the brave
and hard decisions because you know the impact and wave
that will come.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
And that was my biggest fear. And imagine people saying
in marriages being unhappy and they don't have the public
eye I heard all the time. You're worried about the
judgment of your friends and your family. Could you imagine
what the weight of the world looking at you too?
I mean, yes, yes you can.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I can, absolutely. It is the closest eye. And I've
lived through some shit, and you know, we are very
open about our past. I've lived some really hard shit.
That was the first time I was like looking over
the edge. It was the first time I was like,
(19:42):
someone needs to take this nine milimeter and get it
the fuck away from me. Like I was at a
probably the lowest lowis lowis. I was like, I don't
think honestly, I was like, I can't survive this.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I don't love that.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
I was like, and meanwhile, I was being torched while
I was trying to raise two K and go through
this process and make sure that my storm didn't become theirs.
So it was hard. It was really And I don't
think people get.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
No, they don't even think you're human. They don't even
know who you are, they're writing and talk about you. Yeah,
at Haack, Why do you think you were vilified in
the breakup?
Speaker 2 (20:28):
I think because to everyone else. I was always taught
to not air your dirty laundry to your friends, to anyone,
so I kept it very quiet about you know, my
closest friends knew, right like people knew. You know, you
(20:48):
stop looking the same, and you stop smiling, and you
stop carrying yourself with the same intention you do when
you're light and you're at peace. And there was just
I didn't like the person I was. I didn't like
who I was as a teammate. I was angry because
I felt like I couldn't get out and I felt
(21:12):
like it was my outlet. Sport became my outlet to
get that pain out, and I felt like I couldn't
tell anyone because we were teammates and so much of
our situation was so webbed and it was like a
really hard, painful process that you do alone. You sit
in silence alone, because I didn't want to disrespect her
(21:36):
by talking about it in the locker room or any
conversation like in locker room, that's like the safest way,
of course.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Yeah, you're like, I just you didn't want to do
that because you respected her and you couldn't. Really, it
wasn't Yeah, it wasn't appropriate.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
And it's not an easy conversation to have with anyone,
to carry the shame of not feeling loved and wanted.
It's like I didn't. I felt so embarrassed and I
felt so much shame that I didn't know how to
tell people that, like, oh, my wife doesn't want to
touch me or doesn't want to be intimate or doesn't
(22:10):
want this, and it's like, how do you even fucking
start that conversation that is uncomfortable?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Would she disagree with your assessment of the relationship. Would
she say that's not true. I did want to touch her,
I did want to be with her at all.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
No, she can't say that because we weren't intimate the
entire part of our marriage. So that's I mean, facts
are just the facts. It is what it is, and
it's not you know, you have these conversations and this
isn't working for me. This feels hard, and you know,
after week after week, month after month, year after year,
(22:44):
you're just like there's nothing left to say, and then
you slowly if you're not growing together, you're growing apart.
We just yeah, I became a stranger, not only within
myself but within my relationship. And the worst thing that
you know you can do is start pushing that on
your young children, because that's where you find that sense
(23:05):
of worth. Yeah, that's where you find that sense of need.
And I didn't want to do that to my kids.
I don't want them. I don't want to project my
shame and insecurity in my marriage on them. Because I
wasn't getting what I needed out of it. I had
to do the hard thing.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I had to do the hard thing. And you know,
I don't think anybody wants to go through a divorce.
I don't think anybody wants to deal with that drama.
I don't think anybody in silence for that point.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
But I loved her so much like I was willing
to sacrifice it all in it it cost me everything.
I lost myself, I lost my self worth, a sense
of who I am, like I just was such. I
was damaged. And you get to a point. I remember,
(23:52):
once I had the hard conversation with one of my friends.
Once I told the truth, I could and stop telling it,
And then I fucking ran because I knew once I
said it, and once I put it out there, there
was no taking it back. And that's when I knew
it was done. And you know, we had all these
(24:14):
conversations about waiting till after the season and coming out
with the joint statement, and I had it literally became
life or death for me. And that's when I knew
if I wanted to be the parent for those children,
I still had to figure out a life worth living.
(24:38):
And I was not in a good place. I was
not I was unsafe. I'll say that like I would
be driving a car and I would think about ways
I could just end it or flip it or and
I just once it gets that dark, there's no playbook
to leaving something. There's no oh, right way. I mean,
(25:02):
I dropped the rope and I ran, ooh, I ran,
and there's just no going back.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
You're listening to Naked Sports back in a moment. So
we all know. Breakups are not easy, especially a public breakup,
And when Ashland and Ali Kreeger separated, the rumors and
the tabloids were just non stop. What's the biggest misconception,
(25:32):
the biggest lie, the misinformation about the breakup that bothers
you to this day.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
That I'm constantly pegged as a cheater, which is that
that is so far from the truth, and she knows it,
and she knows it, and it torched me. And I
think she and you know exactly who I am. She
was in so much pain and rightfully so yeah, and
I want to make room for her experience. I really
(26:02):
thought she never thought I would leave. I just don't
think all the comp I don't think she ever took
me seriously.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
She just thought you'd be there no matter.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
What, even when I asked her. You know, she was
my first phone call when I got the lawyer. She
was totally fine. Thanks for the heads up on the mediator,
send me the paperwork. It was. I called her right
after we had because we were already moved out, which
a lot of people don't know that. People think I
just up and left. But I was living separately than
(26:32):
her through the summer and I had my own apartment
and people were starting to recognize me. So I was like,
we have to come out with a joint statement, like
people know I live here. But I think once it
all blew up and it affected her last season, she
was pissed and she was angry and that's when and
rightfully so, like there are things that if I could
(26:54):
have this perfect playbook ending where it was very it
just was, no, we're going to be that.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
I don't know any breakup that it was.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Never going to be that. I remember calling her saying, Hey,
the lawyer thinks like if we jointly file, it won't
be such an issue. Because the tabloids were calling our agents.
They knew we got rid of the dogs. There was
all these things going on that people were like catching
wind of, so you know, people were reaching out to
their agent, be my agent. Her agent at the time
(27:24):
were the same, like, hey, this is what we're figuring out,
Like do you have any statements? So I kept being like,
we have to we have to get ahead of this,
we have to say something. And you know, the whole
plan was to hold off until the end of the season.
And I remember calling and saying, you want to jointly file,
like this is going to be what's best and she said, na,
(27:48):
you'll come crawling back in six months. And I filed,
and then all of a sudden she was blindsided by it.
And I'm like, I gave you the opportunity and you
were like, I just don't think I ever believed it.
So I'm not taking anything away from her experience. There's
always two sides to a story. Yeah, three, yeah, total,
(28:10):
And I want to make space and room for her
pain because that matters to me and her healing process.
And I understand that she was you know, listen, I'm
not an idiot. There has like for someone to not
want to be intimate with me for that long, I
must not be like you must not be happy either, Like,
(28:33):
but every time in therapy I would ask, like, you know,
what is it you know? And sometimes I'd be met
by we're together too much. I don't miss you. I
don't miss but those are things I can't correct or
fixed to grow together.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Yeah, we're on the same tam. I can't help that.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
I can't. Yeah, like this is the choice we made
or are raising kids. I So I just I feel
like I was damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
How how have you? Because I met you at the
end of things. And I say this for anybody listening
watching me whatever. I purposely don't google people's drama because
I've had my own, so I hate when people google
me and assume they know me. But when I met you,
I just saw, oh, well, she's so loving, so sweet,
so kind, so beautiful, so dressed nice, all the things
(29:21):
that I love right very vain, nothing, no substance to
what I was saying, just because I just But what
I did recognized right away was how kind you were,
how warm you are, how how giving you were. You
didn't know me, you could have been very standoffish, and
I felt to me I spoke to who you were
at your core. I think that I would have been
(29:42):
more guarded if I were you, meaning like meeting new people,
because you were in the tabloids and still are. I
think I would have been more guarded. You were very gracious,
and that has probably a lot to do with you
or what I say. You're seeing sense. You can see people,
you can just see them at their core. Usually people
I've been through a lot understand and can identify all
(30:03):
of those things. So here you are. I think you
guys are so in love. You and Sophia. I love
I love her. I think she's a mean, I mean,
she's amazing. Yeah, And I see you guys interacting, and
I think she's happy. Who doesn't want this? A lot
is happy. I'm like, who doesn't want? Why are we?
(30:24):
Who cares? And I know that I am probably simplifying it,
but do we have to get caught up in the
dates and the times and the exact moments when someone
is happy, Like shouldn't we want two people to be happy?
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Yeah? And this is what because you know, during this process,
I was very much so speaking to my therapist and
even for me, I was like, I am damaged, Like
I am not ready for anything remotely, Like I just
wanted to go out and rage. Yeah, like I did.
And I had these conversations with my agency because I
(31:01):
was worried. I was like, no one knows what has happened,
No one knows that this is what it is. If
I go out like and start dating around like people
are going to like, what do I do? I couldn't
hide anymore, Like I couldn't I fucking pretend. I've been
pretending for years now. You want me to keep pretending?
(31:22):
And I just couldn't do it anymore. And I don't
want to feel bad about that, but at the expense
of opening my life up to receive the type of
love I always imagined because of who that was, who
is heavily in the entertainment space. It blew everything wide open,
(31:48):
it really did it. That's that's you know, someone who
never was with women, you know, never was a relationship
with like and then all of a sudden we went on,
like I think we were two weeks. I think when
everything went public in October, we had gone on our
(32:09):
first date two weeks before that. So all of these
things are going on, and you know, rightfully, so she's
Sophia is used to this. Yeah, You're like, you know,
this world's message. She's like, hey, you got to get
on this this call, So I call my agent. I'm
fucking panicked. I'm trying to like figure this out. And
(32:29):
there were like people magazines calling and they're taking all
these rumors and running with them unless we say something
and this and that, and I was always the one.
I was like, I'm not saying shit. I don't know
anyone anything. I'm not saying anything to tabloids. I'm not
saying anything to anyone any journalists. I'm not doing any podcasts.
I am sitting in my integrity because I don't want
(32:51):
to say something I can't take back because I was
in so much pain, right so, It's like at that time,
I'm like, how on earth am I going to sit
down and tell my truth when I am in shambles.
I rather just sit in my integrity. However, this the
media wants to play this, They're going to play it.
I mean, there were bees.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
Sophia Bush says that she was just as surprised by
her blossoming relationship with Ashland Harris as was the rest
of the world.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
The whole situation was so escalated, more than it should
have been, and it was just so innocent and so
pure and so unexpected in a lot of ways. And
even through the fire, it was almost like the universe
(33:39):
pushed us closer together because we had no choice. We
started blowing up and we were in this new found
space together because I was literally like, oh, I thought
you were straight, and she goes, oh, I thought you
were happy, and you know her like, she's fine, that's
that funny.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
But because she's like, I thought you were calling me out.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Yeah, oh, she spits it right back. Yeah, she's a firecracker.
But I told my therapist, I'm like, I am in
the worst season of my life. I am in the
worst version. I am the worst version of myself and
still like, you know me, I am this soft because
of the trauma I.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Have face, and you could be so hard. I could be.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
So hard and I could. And this is what drove
Sophia mad. She was like, just tell your truth. Just
you know, she's about justice. Yeah, she fights for her
truth and her people. And I just was like, I
have two young children. I have I you know what
my fight is protecting and showing up for them and
giving them the best version of myself.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
I have to have a relationship with the mother.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yeah. There's just no part of me that felt like
I had to come back and say something or you know,
really show the public all the truth and the receipts
and the text. Just I loved her. I still I
love her. She is the mother of my children. That
love will never go away. And I would never try
(35:07):
to torture reputation, torture her ability to provide for herself
and the children, Like, That's not who I am. And
no matter how painful this process has been, and trust me,
there are moments when I'm like I just want to
fucking rip my hair out. I know I stand in
my integrity. It will not make me feel better by
(35:31):
hurting her like I want her to be happy. I
want nothing but the best for her. I care about her,
like genuinely care about her. There is a reason we
decided to have children together. There's a reason we were
together for a decade. Some relationships just don't work, and
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
That's okay, by the way. As simple as that said,
it's so complicated. It's simple. As it said, it's so complicated.
It just didn't work. And there are so many questions
as to why. But once you make peace with the
fact that it didn't work, it just didn't work. I
don't know what I have to put together to make
you understand that, but I what I'm hearing is that
it didn't matter if it was Sophia. It could have
(36:16):
been anyone who came along and lit your fire and
and made you feel like you were miss you were
getting what you had been missing. And it could have
been true love with the person who connected with your spirit.
It just happened to be Sophia. You were already out
the door. You were already checked out in terms of
I'm just walking through life. Yeah you weren't. It wasn't
(36:38):
like you were like I'm looking for someone to cheat with.
I'm looking for a new person to.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Be what would have done that a long time ago.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
Yeah, it sounds like you just you found someone, you
found your person.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Well, I you know, through trauma. I think your memory,
you know, I don't have much memory. I remember so beautifully.
Is like I just have this visual of laying in
the trenches because I was being burnt alive. I was
in the trenches and she just came and laid right
(37:13):
right next to me.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
Oh so beautiful she did.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
She just came in and was like, if you're gonna burn,
I'm gonna fucking sit right here with you in the dark,
and when you're ready to get up, we're gonna walk
to the light. Like she was so patient and so kind.
I'll never forget when there was a self magazine cover
that came out and Ali had things to say that
are not my truth. But I'm not going to take
(37:37):
away her truth. Sure, just not mine. Sure, and just
broke me. It broke me because you know what, the
thing that broke me the most is I had an
emergency therapy session and I just was like, her experience
is just so false and further from mine, and and
my therapist was so wonderful, and they said, this is
(37:59):
her experience and you can't change that. She's allowed to
grieve this way if this is her truth. This is
her truth. But if she would have saw you and
your side, you wouldn't even be in the position you are.
Stop expecting the change, stop expecting to be heard, stop
expecting to be seen and be met with. That is
(38:22):
that is literally the single handed reason why you're not
together anymore. And it was I'm that person. I always
want to see the best, and I always want to
see it through and even at the expense of my happiness.
And I was like, oh wow. And that's when I
really was like, we're just going to have two versions
of this which are very different, and she's going to
(38:44):
have to be okay with my version and I'm going
to have to be okay with hers. But the whole
point is we never spoke the same language which got
us here in the first place.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
You guys never saw it the same. You guys are
communicating differently all the time.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
And she said that in therapy, she was like some
version of like I like was listening, I just didn't
hear you.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
And that's something like that and not the case for
all relationships when they break up.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Yeah, but you know, it's also like it's a hard
lifestyle that we live, you do, and we are you know,
I said this about retirement. People talk about retirement. I
felt like, you know, I retired at thirty seven. I
felt like, for probably thirty years, someone was chasing me.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
What was that mean?
Speaker 2 (39:34):
I worked so hard because I always knew I had
a target on my back, and I always knew people
were chomping at my heels wanting to take my position.
So I did the work when no one was looking.
I never cut corners. But it was this, this life
I was constantly chasing because I didn't want someone to
pass me. I didn't want someone to be better than me.
(39:55):
I didn't want someone to be working harder than I was.
So I I lived this life of being chased for
a long time, and I was tired.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
Yeah, like I was tired. Have you ever and you have?
So I'm asking you this knowing the answer. When you
got with Sophia and you guys were together, were you
able to exhale, sleep better, feel better, move better?
Speaker 2 (40:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (40:27):
What what felt easier when you were with her? I
felt safe for the first time in probably a decade.
You felt safe.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
I felt safe. Yeah, there was something about her that
made me feel safe and seene and that was even
like just as friends at the beginning, she was just
a kind, safe heart and someone I could talk to
those And the best part is is she introduced me
to this group of women and it was like I
(41:00):
couldn't tell my teammates or my colleagues anything. You know.
At the time, I was the creative consultant for Gotham
and my agent called me and said, they want you
to stop coming, to stop coming to games because it's
distracting how And I just was like, Wow, I can't
(41:22):
see my friends because they feel the need to choose.
I can't go to my job because you know, I
worked so hard to build the future of that club
and the second anything and the club knew from the beginning.
They were the one helping us draw out statements. You know.
(41:42):
I was very open and honest, this is what's coming.
I don't want you guys to be blindsided, so you're
ready for it, Like everyone knew in that club. And
then they were like, stop coming.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
How many did you lose friends? You were surprised that
you lose that you lost I.
Speaker 2 (41:59):
Lost everything besides my worth, like I lost everything. I
lost friends, I lost jobs, I lost money, I lost
my marriage. I walked out of my home with trash
bags like I lost everything. But it was the It
(42:21):
would have been that, or it would have been a funeral.
There was there was no there was, there was. The
teeter was so real, it was it was bad. And
how much is one person willing to flirt with fire?
I mean, I'm lucky to be sitting here and that's
not a this or that or like you know, it
(42:43):
just was the realness and the magnitude and the effect
it had on me.
Speaker 1 (42:54):
I hate that for you, but I'm here.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
And this is life. But it And I said this
to so If not long ago, because she's always like,
why don't you just say you're truth? Like you're too kind.
(43:23):
My trauma has made me this gentle.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
I understand that, and what she chooses to do with
it is up to her, because I will not change.
This won't make me hard. It will make space for
people struggling who I have no idea what they've bought.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
I understand. I think everything that you're saying in terms
of your trauma making you this gentle is really beautiful
because there's so much, especially in today's world, there's so
much for us to be mad at, so many things
(44:13):
for us to be angry and upset about. And I
think that when I see you for the wind, thank
you for the tissue, thank you, I think that I
(44:34):
am encouraged my behavior. I'm encouraged. I'm glad. You're so sweet.
It makes me feel like there's a world where, no
matter how shitty things are, especially now, there are still
ways to find joy and to find peace and to
(44:54):
find gentleness. And that's what you consistently display. But I
think why I'm kind of emotional is because I think,
no matter how kind and sweet you are, I think
it's I think it hurts you that people cut you
off and they want your friend, Yeah, and they have
judged you and they don't know who you are, and
that hurts. It hurts. I know it hurts.
Speaker 4 (45:18):
It is, But I have a choice every day how
I choose to show up in a world that's so dark.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
I have a choice. And as hard as this has
been and as much pain as like it's been for
her my ex wife, yeah, because she's in pain. She's
in pain, she's pain too.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
She might display it differently, she might tell people express
it differently, but she's in pain too.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
But it doesn't change like the decade I was with
her in the life. I belt with her, we belt
and I always we'll have love for her, and that's changed.
No matter what. Yeah, no matter what is said or
you know, I can take it. It doesn't make it easy.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
You're listening to Naked Sports Back in a moment, Welcome
back to Naked Sports. So Ashland is in love with
Sophia Bush, co parenting with an ex, and now reintroducing
her new self to old friends.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
It's it's understanding that things aren't always perfect and life
is tough. It's so tough.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
But this is the realness of living in a canceled culture.
You know, so you officially feel as if you were canceled.
Speaker 2 (46:47):
Not that I was officially canceled. I just think that
my friends didn't want to be seen with me because
I was too big of a liability.
Speaker 1 (46:59):
Like because you because you do. You see how silly
this sounds to me. Because you fell in love with
someone else, you were a liability. How is that even
possible in today's America?
Speaker 2 (47:09):
And anyone who has spent like five to ten minutes
and can see the joy in which I bring when
I am not carry I am not the same person
I was.
Speaker 1 (47:19):
No, I've only known you after.
Speaker 2 (47:21):
Yeah, so it's like I have to reintroduce myself to
a lot of people because that damage broken puppy that
was just following and try. You know, I'm not hurt. Yeah,
I'm not hurt.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
And they have to allow you to evolve. Yeah, they
have to allow you to be someone new.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
The hardest part for me too, especially when it comes
to my friends and my teammates, is I know so much.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
Yeah, damn, I know so much. It's staying eyroad right,
it stocks stay put your shit in the nose. Yeah
I won't.
Speaker 2 (48:01):
It's really interesting to know.
Speaker 1 (48:03):
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (48:05):
Oh to know, I know, I know. God, people were
so quick to use the side. I'm like, Okay, I still.
Speaker 1 (48:13):
Have receipts, but I'm gonna leave that here. I totally
can relate to that. I totally know what you're saying.
You talked about how you lost a lot this this transition.
I know that you're working, you have a lot of opportunities,
but there still will be more do you see the
beautiful alchemy and it all maybe it was everything had
(48:36):
to burn down so I can rise again and it
can be true and pure. Everything that you work on,
everything that you touch, all of the relationships that you
make have to be authentic and if they're not, that's fine.
But you know what, You're introducing yourself to new people
every single day and you're making new relationships and working
on new things, and that is you at your highest self.
(48:58):
Maybe maybe that's what you feel.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
Well, it has allowed me to I think, so it's it.
And you said this before. When you were in sports, right,
everyone just pegged you as this like commentator in sports,
but there was so much more to you. There's so
much more you wanted to do and check off and
how you wanted to show up in the space and
(49:23):
not just be grouped into this one type thing. I
think I knew I was special. I've always known I'm special.
Soccer was never you know, we spoke about this the
other day. Soccer was my way out. It was my
way to provide a better life for myself. So I
had a different vision of what it looked like. I
(49:45):
didn't necessarily do it because I loved it. It just
was my fucking job. That was it? Right, So I
knew once life changed for me, I'd be okay because
it wasn't a happiness, wasn't correlated to how successful I
was as a soccer player. Was I getting my money?
Speaker 3 (50:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (50:03):
Sure?
Speaker 2 (50:03):
Was I getting a lot of it?
Speaker 1 (50:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (50:06):
And then it was like I'm ready to balance, and
now it's opened Otherwise. You know, I was the creative
director of Gotham, and I was doing all these things,
and I was going to start this fashion line. I
was doing all these you know, in my mind, I
really wanted to show how I could do things differently
(50:26):
than the coach or the commentator. And now I'm in
this space where I'm in film, I'm in docs, and
I am consulting and creatively producing things now that I
never thought I could imagine I would be sitting in
such a privileged space like hello Sunshine, where bosses are
(50:49):
reaching out being like, God, you're just so good at
this and we love having you here. And I walked
into this like, oh, I'm not deserving of it, right,
because if this is the mentality we carry with us,
I thought I was one dimensional and sports was my
thing and.
Speaker 1 (51:05):
Blah blah, blah.
Speaker 2 (51:06):
It's all the things you tell yourself that's just so
fucking far from the truth. And I walked in there
and I was like, whoa, this is like a sense
of belonging and worth. I'm good at this, Like I'm
actually good at it, and I could do this. And
it's not even because I've met with so many people
in the space who who are directors, who are filming,
(51:28):
are doing sportstocks and they were like, why the fuck
do you want to be behind the camera? We need
you in front of it.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
Yeah, you can do both.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
Yeah, And now I'm like, yeah, how you do?
Speaker 1 (51:38):
You could do both?
Speaker 2 (51:39):
And you know, starting this new show with iHeart and
being a part of Deep Blue and bringing money into
women's sports and doing it strategically and doing it creatively
and doing it different. I'm just I'm doing Yeah, I'm
working all these jobs and I'm like, holy shit, how
do I even keep up? And I'm a parent. But
(52:00):
I love it. I love working this month. I love creating.
And it's also I live life through storytelling. You do
so to be able to work with the Hello Sunshine,
to tell the story of the stories of women in
sports by women, women who have lived it, who've lived,
who've experienced it. I just get it. I come with
(52:22):
a different, unique perspective. But I'm also given the platform
and leverage to run with it. Like we talked about
this the other day of women pulling back their egos
and allowing other people to come in and shine. My
bosses and my executives and my teams literally will come
(52:44):
in and say you take this meeting. You're like wait,
and I'm like.
Speaker 1 (52:47):
Oh god, the meeting. Are you sure you want me?
Speaker 2 (52:53):
And to be able to do it and nail it
and have your boss be like, well done, you did.
You did a great job. I love working with you.
We love your perspective, we love your passion, we love
your insight.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
I always feel like, just your time to be celebrated.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
It's time.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
It's your time to be celebrated. It's your time to
be and I don't want to say validated, but it's
your time to know that everything that you have done
for was for this moment, the good and the bad,
especially the bad. You're brave. You are brave. People are
sitting betimes. You don't have a choice. You don't have
(53:32):
a choice. But some people may not have a choice
and still sit in misery and refuse to just deal
with all the shit that comes with being brave. That's
why it's called brave. You have a new podcast, tell
Me Wide Open, which I love the title because you
are so open. I mean, you're completely naked. When you
and I both have titles that speak to what we
(53:53):
want to put out in the world. Why did you
decide why to open in terms of the cattle and
what do you want to do with your podcast?
Speaker 2 (54:03):
So I came up with the name. Which is the
best part of working with is they're giving me so
much creative control, which is a lot of the reason
why I'm doing it. I think for so long I've
been told to act and say and be a certain way,
and I want to just strip all those layers. And
for me, wide open is you know, clearly everyone in
(54:24):
sports knows wide open. It's really just seizing the opportunity
to separate yourself and attack whatever you're doing, you know,
really going after this moment in sport of separating yourself
from the pact, and then you've got to execute right.
So for me, I've been wide open my whole life.
(54:46):
I'm what you see is what you get, and I
have a unique ability, which is such a privilege, but
it's also a responsibility. I see people, and whether I
see you for three minutes or a hour or fifth,
it doesn't even matter. I want to make space for
people's experience. And in this world, especially the climate we're
(55:09):
living in right now, it's so dark, and we have
to show up for each other because people need each other. Like,
this is literally the first time we've talked. We've had
this conversation one hundred times, and it's the first time
you and I are like, really, the emotion is really
coming through. And I think the ability to feel safe
enough to share, to share to I think you and
(55:31):
I have a unique opportunity to allow people to have
space to really show up as themselves, to be vulnerable,
to be open, to be all of these things we're
told not to be because it's a sign of weakness.
Oh it's not. I'm just taking my narrative back. I'm
taking my power back. I'm tired of the media destroying
(55:55):
us and you know, really putting people again to each other,
and I just I want to softly, respectfully do the
right thing by telling people's stories and telling stories that
matter and being vulnerable and knowing that that that is
what makes life so special, and I think we've gotten
(56:18):
away from that. And that's why I told iHeart. I
was like, I want my interviews to be in person.
I want to feel the space and connection. I want
someone to be like, oh, I am held in this
moment in a way maybe I never have, Like even Brooke,
you know, I had Brooke on my show and she's like,
this is the first time I'm telling the story.
Speaker 1 (56:39):
Yeah, because she feels you yeah, and she feels safe,
it feels seen, And I think this is a part
of my healing journey too.
Speaker 2 (56:48):
It really is. It's like I need to be able
to feel safe enough to have these conversations because it
makes me who I am and I'm not ashamed of it.
Speaker 1 (56:59):
And your healing other people in the process, and how
we will do that's life. Naked Sports written and executive
produced by me Carrie Champion, produced by jacqueses Thomas, sound
design and mastered by Dwayne Crawford. Associate producer Olabusaio. Shabby
Naked Sports is a part of the Black Effect podcast
(57:19):
network in iHeartMedia
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