I’m SECRETLY in love with my friend… but I mistakenly set him up with someone else! - r/comfortlevelpod | Reddit Stories | EP2128

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00:00 r/comfortlevelpod - I(24F) set my best friend(24F) up with my other friend(22M) who I’m secretly in love with.
19:25 r/bridezillas - WIBTA for telling my friend she should move her wedding date?
29:36 r/AITAH - AITAH for not giving my trans daughter my mother's ring?
43:36 r/relationships - My [24F] grandmother [76/F] has dementia and is incredibly angry with me.

Note: stories are sometimes abbreviated

#reddit #funnyredditposts
okay storytime, okstorytime, okopshow, okop show

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is John, this is them Okay Storytime podcast hosts.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
And we have some good stories coming up for you.

Speaker 1 (00:10):
That's right. But before that, we have a little more
sol of a two minute ad break from the sponsors,
keeping the show delicious.

Speaker 3 (00:15):
Hmm.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
I'm secretly love with my friend, but I mistakenly set
him up with my other friend.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
You should set him up with your alter ego. Tell
maybe another personality.

Speaker 1 (00:25):
Ooh, time to set it down. By twenty four female
have a friend twenty two male who I've known since
high school. Will call him Jordan. When we met, we
quickly became friends, talking during free periods and playing I
message games almost daily. I was in tenth grade and
he was in ninth. By the way, this comes from
Dumoth Common eleven forty eight and if you want to
sumit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytimes.
So how about it. But a little while into our friendship,

(00:47):
he expressed interest in me, but at the time, I
was in a relationship that started the same year I
met him and ended about a year after I graduated
high school. I rejected him. We never revisited the idea,
and we've been great friends ever since. Over the last
several months, I've slowly but surely started developing feelings for
him that I hadn't had before. I've always assumed that

(01:09):
our relationship would stay platonic, but I see him in
a different light now. I had been contemplating for a
while now whether or not I should say something, for
multiple reasons, but mostly out of fear. What if we
get together, don't like it and have trouble getting back
into our normal relationship as friends, Or what if our
vibe isn't the same when we're in a more serious relationship.
What if he's no longer interested after I rejected him

(01:30):
years ago. But if she gets rejected?

Speaker 2 (01:32):
Ooh, these are all terrible options that are very real.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
You are the loser in every scenario. We're such good
friends that I don't want to lose what we have,
and I was slash. I am afraid that pursuing romance
with him would lead to too much room for air.
Yesterday I had a birthday and planned a short trip
to a surrounding city over the weekend, about two hours
from my home. I rented one of the nicest gathering
homes I've ever seen, invited a handful of friends, old
and new and celebrated. I was slightly unprepared and stressed

(01:59):
out most of the time, but for what it was worth,
it was a great weekend overall. But Handsome Jordan He's back,
was so helpful to me during the whole planning process.
We were talking almost every day. He ran errands for me,
helped me pay for a few things, took the weekend
off to come on the trip with me, was constantly
checking in on me, and did literally everything he could
to try and eliminate as much of my stress as possible.

(02:21):
He was a lifesaver, and I have no idea how
I would have done any of that without him. He's
the reason I didn't cancel the whole trip due to
all of the stress of hosting. At this point, I
was leaning more towards telling him how I really feel
about him, and started working up the courage to do
so now. During the second day of the trip, my
best friend, twenty four female who I've been friends with
since middle school, drove up and joined the trip. We'll

(02:42):
call her Maya. During the short time she was there,
Maya and Handsome Jordan got acquainted started hanging out quite
a bit, so I noticed Handsome Jordan constantly checking for
her and watching out for her. I didn't think too
much about it because he's generally just an attentive person,
but I did notice it. By the end of the night,
after we had all all gotten back to the house
from being out, Jordan and Maya both hopped up and

(03:03):
announced they were going to the diner down the street
that was open late. They quickly invited everyone as they
were rushing out of the house to go, but we
all declined since we had food left over from the
night before. Just keeps swinging back and forth. It was
three am, and it was so abrupt. Maybe an hour
or so later I saw they had returned, but stayed
in the car for a really long time before coming

(03:25):
back inside.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
Dude, they totally smooched. They totally smooched.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
That's when I really started to worry that something was
brewing between them. I had another friend come back to
spend the second night with us, and our sleeping arrangements
changed handsome. Jordan ended up offering Maya his room to
stay in since he works the night shift and plans
staying up all night to help up tidy the house
before we checked out the next morning.

Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh, come on, he continues, I mean, and also they're
getting they're getting close.

Speaker 1 (03:52):
Yeah, I mean he's getting her the room.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
Technically he's like, well wait, wait, but he's not staying
in that room. Technically, yes, he's okay, but he's like, oh,
I left a sock in there.

Speaker 1 (04:03):
Past forward to when we left and all went back home.
Handsome Jordan thanked me for inviting him and let me
know how much he had enjoyed all of my friends.
Then he specifically mentioned Maya and I jokingly but seriously
hinted at them falling in love a jokerly during the trip,
and threw in that I picked it up on their connection.
He jokingly responded that it was my fault for leaving
them unattended. That explained that he was feeling her but

(04:25):
couldn't handle another heartbreak, and that the only reason he
didn't exchange information with her was because he had recently
cut his hair and wasn't comfortable with it.

Speaker 2 (04:33):
Handsome Jordan, come on.

Speaker 1 (04:35):
By then, it was clear to me that he was
heavily interested, especially since I had already suspected there was
something there. I'd be lying if I said the confirmation
didn't feel like to my chest. He wanted her number,
and I reached out to Maya to make sure she
was okay giving it to him.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
Reach out into the depths of your hearts and say something.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
And of course he was okay giving him her number.
Ah dude, and that was it. Now I've just been
left feeling heart broken and it's hard to even put
it into words. My feelings are so hurt, not because
of anything they did. They didn't know, after all, but
because I was too late. I guess I could have
told Maya how I felt, but I didn't feel the
need to. I didn't think she would come for a

(05:13):
day and immediately hit it off with my friends out
of nowhere. I generally thought I had more time to
think about how to express my feelings for handsome Jordan
and when, But I.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
Guess no time like the present time my friends.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
How crazy would it have looked for me to step
in between them the second I realized they had a
connection and try to stop it at the last minute.
Why didn't you say anything or why did you wait
so long? I really don't know, but I guess it
just didn't feel right to mention it to Jordan, because
that's not the way I wanted him to find out
about how I felt.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
I guess that's true. It's like bad timing, but you know,
it's worth timing when they've kissed, when they smooched.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
Or no timing at all. Again, it's like back to
what's the best time twenty years ago? What's the next?
Next time?

Speaker 4 (05:55):
Now?

Speaker 1 (05:56):
Now, right now?

Speaker 2 (05:57):
Carpate those dms, seize the present.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
I think. I think OPI also maybe has like a
lot of like anxiety, like other feelings around being able
to express these things.

Speaker 4 (06:08):
A lot.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
I'm getting a lot of overthinking.

Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, you know, but right now, there's no official reason
you shouldn't say anything. There's no legal reason. No, you're
not infringing on an established relationship. You're not making like
you're complicating your friendship. But that's your own prerogative. You
can do that. You know, Yes, you're not hurting anyone
else's relationship right now. I think it's a budding relationship.
It's you know, it's all is fair in the beginnings
of love.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
As long as like you laid it out. You're like,
I'm just expressing out I feel I know it might,
you know, change things, but I don't want it to.
I don't have any asks. I just I just you
know what might happen with Jordan.

Speaker 2 (06:39):
Jordan might be like, maybe I should be confident with
my current haircut. You know, he's having two ladies going
after him with short hair. He's like, all right, you
know what this might be working for me. It's gonna
make him run to my about much.

Speaker 1 (06:49):
Yeah, we got we have seven t minus seven days
right now before it's just like the full.

Speaker 2 (06:53):
Confidence is two through the room. He's gonna go straight
to Maya right now. You got him, you got them?

Speaker 1 (06:58):
Well. I wanted to be so much more intentional about
having that conversation, and right in the midst of him
expressing his feelings for another person just didn't feel like
the right time. Maybe I shouldn't have played matchmaker either,
But again, I really don't know what I was supposed
to do. I haven't talked to may or anyone about
any of this. This just happened two days ago, though
it's fresh and I'm hurting so bad pantsom. Jordan and
I have talked about other people we were interested in before,

(07:19):
but it's so much different when it's my best friend.
I really thought I had more time, but who am
I to expect someone to wait on me to be
ready to tell them I love them past friendship. Do
I say something or just.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
Leave it alone?

Speaker 1 (07:30):
Probably going to leave it alone since we're already kind
of in deep. You're not deep.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
They've just asked for each other's numbers.

Speaker 1 (07:36):
We're still we're helped with Yeah, which again I like
props to her, but that it should have been like,
all right, I'm not gonna like mess with this, but
let me express my feelings, because if she did, that
would be no she did. What if she was like, oh,
let me just like fumble the oh oops, I forgot
to send the number.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
Yeah, give you the wrong you know, like, yeah, that
would have been it was about it, I think. I
mean the best again, the best time be to say
it before all of this Yes. Second best time would
have been to say it when he's asking if there
was a connection and now. The third best time is
before they smooch yes, And the best time is before
they say it's official yes, And the fifth best time
is before they say the I dos.

Speaker 1 (08:13):
I will say post smooch does make it a lot harder.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
Post smooch makes it a lot harder. I would say
post smooch. You might have lost your might have lost
your chance.

Speaker 1 (08:21):
You know what, just did both of them at the
same time. Best of both worlds. Hey to both worlds.
Heyna Montana said that, and she meant it. The exchange
numbers and are probably talking now anyways, So what's it worth?
I know, Handsome Jordan consense there's something up with me,
but I just don't know if I have the heart
to tell him. After literally him helping me be with
someone else who is my best friend. I just don't
know what to do and I want to cry. I

(08:41):
want to redo the whole weekend, fix this before it
even gets the chance to happen. I'm so hurt. What
would you do?

Speaker 2 (08:47):
I hope everyone was screaming in the comments. Say something
before it's too late. Don't let love be lost, son
or nothing, or say nothing.

Speaker 1 (08:57):
I say something, especially if you're like torn between yourself.

Speaker 2 (09:00):
Yeah, yeah, it sounds like Opie is really really hot
in the middle.

Speaker 1 (09:05):
And again like, okay, two scenarios. You can not tell him,
but it'll probably just drive you crazy and you'll just
have to like constantly kind of be a bit of
a different version of yourself around him to avoid that
or you could tell him and at least you won't
have this like just sitting on your heart and hopefully
try to just re just build the friendship of connection.

Speaker 2 (09:26):
And this is basically what you're saying, but it recontextualized.
It either going to hurt the relationship from telling him
possibly or definitely hurt the relationship from keeping this buried
beneath and you like being affected by it.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
Yes, that is a very good way to put it.
We have the big fat update. We're not even halfway
done with the story. By the way, Thank you guys
so much for your comments. The whole situation has been
the plot twist of the year and it's only the
first week of March. This is recent kind of I
had a long chat with my cousin to try and
work out my feelings and get some advice in real time.
Once I was able to clear my head, I decided
to re to both Maya and Handsome Jordan. The same

(10:03):
day I made the original post. I had already made
up my mind that I was just going to express
my feelings, explain my actions to both of them, and
fall back from my friendship with Handsome Jordan. I didn't
plan on changing anything about my relationship with Maya because
she's my best friend. He was oblivious, did nothing wrong
and girls go after all. Handsome Jordan didn't do anything
wrong either, but this was more of a bros Before
Oh's kind of thing. If Jordan was going to be

(10:25):
her man, I felt like it was only right that
I respect that, tell them both the truth and put
some space between handsome Jordan and me. Heel up and
move on. So I spoke to Maya first. I told
her the whole truth, exactly what I told you guys.
I added that I was going to be reaching out
to Jordan as well to set up some boundaries in
our relationship. But Maya felt absolutely horrible, which made ME

(10:46):
feel bad too. She explained that she was just trying
to have fun, flirting carelessly to pass the time. She
did enjoy the conversations they had and didn't mind continuing
to talk with him after the trip, but she didn't
intend on taking him seriously and just thought that he
was really cute. She was going to keep things going,
play with him until she got.

Speaker 2 (11:01):
Boor he ouch.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
Okay, dude, call tims on this man to protect him
from Maya. Freaking malicious. Maya over here, golly, and then
move on to the next thing she normally does with
other men. I'm paraphrasing, but these are her words. I
promise I'm not being shaving.

Speaker 2 (11:16):
Save this man from my seat, Tims does work.

Speaker 1 (11:19):
Maya also mentioned that she thought Jordan seemed like a
well rounded young man, but was way too young for
her and couldn't see him giving her what she needed
in a long term relationship context. Maya has four children
under six years old and has always dated men who
are significantly older than us. Jordan will be twenty three
soon and isn't really her speed. I guess We've talked

(11:40):
for a while about the details and concluded that this
was all a big mishap, going back to the whole
girls girl thing. I wasn't sure what to do with
this info because I normally would never want to be
with anyone who has dealings with my friends. I left
this conversation feeling so sticky.

Speaker 2 (11:54):
But they haven't really They just asked for each other's number.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
There's nothing there again, I think op, he might be
going into her over things.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yeah, they like Oh.

Speaker 1 (12:01):
They were like talking and like going three and it's cool.
There's a way on the one hand, I didn't know
what Jordan's intentions were was Maya and wanted to be
a good friend to him. I wanted to let him
know what Maya's intentions were to protect him from any
potential hurts. On the other hand, I wanted to stay
loyal to Maya, since I was sure this was info
she hadn't played on sharing with Jordan. Luckily, Maya ended
up letting me know that she no longer felt comfortable

(12:23):
talking with Jordan now that she knew my true feelings,
she was going to go to him. So now I
no longer feel like I'm in such a pickle harboring secrets.
Both conversations happened through text. By the way, I then
spoke with Jordan. Although I had already gotten a full
understanding of where Maya's head was, I still didn't know
exactly what had gone on between them both on and
after the trip. I didn't ask either. I struck a
girl code laid out a very simple explanation for Jordan.

(12:45):
I told him I still wanted to be friends, but
expressed that I needed some space, that his access to
me would be limited, that I didn't want to just
disappear on him. For a while and not at least
let him know why. I unshared my location with him
and removed him from friend Finder and expected that to
be the end of it. I was so very wrong.
So Jordan works nights and was asleep when I texted him,

(13:07):
which I knew. When he woke up and responded, he
was devastating. He said he wanted to talk further about
the whole situation because he was having a really hard
time accepting me wanting to fall back from him. He
told me he's had feelings for me for years and
they'd never gone away since the first time he expressed them,
back when we were fifteen years old and sixteen years old, respectively. Apparently,

(13:28):
he had planned to try to shoot his shot again
during the trip and couldn't seem to nail the right time.
The day Maya got there, she unintentionally slipped some misinformation
to him during their parked car convo that made him
lose hope. Remember when I said that another friend had
come back to the house and sleeping arrangements had changed.
That friend, let's call him Mike. Twenty one Mail wasn't

(13:50):
supposed to stay with us initially, but ended up sending
money and staying at the last minute. The first night,
I allowed Mike to sleep in my room. It sounds crazy,
but there was plenty of space in there. We were
nowhere near each other, and that was it. I was
trying to be a good host and make sure my
guest had subber to sleep. I didn't want to be
selfish and keep a room to myself if someone didn't
have a comfortable sleeping space, so I shared. I didn't

(14:12):
know Mike was coming back, but when he did, I
let Maya know and we texted briefly about sleeping plans.
The convo was happening while she was in the car
with Jordan. I did want her to feel uncomfortable sleeping
with a random stranger, but I gave her the option
to sleep in the room alone and said that I
would keep my company for a while in the living
room before going to bed. That way, his stay wouldn't
be pointless. Maya volunteered to sleep on the couch and

(14:34):
then basically blurted out to Jordan that Mike slept in
my bed the night before and was coming back to
sleep in there again, and that she'd be sleeping on
the couch because Mike was sleeping with me again.

Speaker 2 (14:44):
She is she is really going going a little far.

Speaker 1 (14:48):
I get a feeling like Maya is the fun friend,
but not the together friend. Because of Maya's delivery, lack
of knowledge about Mike and I feelings for Jordan. Jordan
felt like Maya was implying that Mike was my man
and that I was punting her out of the room
to sleep with him. I got none of this info
from Maya until Jordan told me when I asked her.

(15:08):
I was also informed that Maya was wearing some skimpy
pj's and tried to invite Jordan to lay with her
in the bed. He declined and slept on the couch
himself that all night, thinking that he had lost his
chance with me. So we talked it out. It got
a little heated, but stayed respectful. We were both pouring
out very heavy feelings and frustration, so I understood. Jordan

(15:28):
told me that he just felt hopeless and wanted someone
to talk to, that they weren't talking about anything beyond
the surface, and that he didn't want much to do
with her either, just someone to keep him company, and
she happened to be there. He also said that if
he had known how I felt, he would have never
chosen my best friend over me, and especially not right
in front of my face. He reassured me countless times
that he wants me and not anyone else. He said

(15:50):
this was all just a big misunderstanding and that if
I would give him the chance, he'd show me and
make it right. I thought on it for a few
hours work and accept it. The next day, Jordan came
to my house to bring me lunch and chat in person.
When I opened the car door, there were dozens of
white roses in the passenger seat with food from one
of my favorite restaurants by exact order.

Speaker 2 (16:10):
Jordan, Oh, he knows there're some love.

Speaker 1 (16:13):
He drove twenty five minutes there and back to get
my food because we don't have a location super close
to us. I felt so warm, happy inside. We sat
and talked for three hours in the car.

Speaker 2 (16:25):
This is amazing. This is amazing, And this was only
supposed to be a drop off. All right, again, this
is what happened. This was like so poorly executed. But
this is what happens when you communicate early and often.
You communicate your friends to maybe give you a little
space to pursue a romantic interest that you have aka dibbs,
and you have the confidence to execute it well, which

(16:46):
was not done in this case, but still still good.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
One thing I will compliment Opion is she was at
least always trying not to, like I think, mess anyone
up or any way up like sometimes to the detriment
of her in the situation.

Speaker 2 (16:59):
I think she was too detrimental to herself unnecessarily.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
Yes, which is not always the case. So but yeah,
shout out to op for at least being like thoughtful
and try not to do that.

Speaker 2 (17:09):
This is great working, Its working. This makes me happy.

Speaker 1 (17:11):
It's working.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
Are you happy?

Speaker 1 (17:13):
I'm thrilled.

Speaker 2 (17:14):
I'm freaking happy. Are you happy? I'm happy to be
with you right now.

Speaker 1 (17:18):
At the end of the convote, Jordan came around to
help me take things to the door. Yiss, kiss, We
hugg dot dot dot. And this hug was so much different.
It was a long hug than any other time that
I've hugged him. It was a rub the back everything.
Oh the last rubbed the back hug Oh my lasted
a lifetime. And he made me feel so secure, safe.

(17:40):
Then he bent down and we kissed. Then he kissed
me all over my face and laying the last one
the forehead kisses. My heart was in my butt. OMG.
What by the way, if you want something big and
voluptuous as Keon's junk in the trunk.

Speaker 2 (17:56):
Oh that's big, show those cakes, Keon.

Speaker 1 (18:00):
You go to Spotify, Apple your favorite pot app search. Okay, storytime,
We've got over two thousand episodes for you to listen to.
But just before we get into this final bit, how
are we feeling? I feel great, dude, I feel great.
I feel great.

Speaker 2 (18:11):
Whoever found this story shout out them, Oh, what a
great story to come back to. I mean, huh, I
feel great. I feel like I learned something. I feel happy.
I'm just happy to be here with you. I just
I'm thrilled. Communicate early and often, but not to the point.
And also like, be wary of your ruining relationships, but
not to the point of martyrdom.

Speaker 1 (18:30):
We don't need that.

Speaker 2 (18:31):
We don't need know that. Have some confidence. Oh, you
don't be too afraid of rejection that you get in
your own way.

Speaker 1 (18:35):
But before he left, he told me how much he
loved my friends, and I say, I love you all
the time, So that was nothing new to us. But
this time was different. Ooh, and I love him oh
much more. This disaster was nothing short of amazing, and
I've never been happier to have my heart broken temporarily.
It was so worth it. Just I guess I'll have
to update you guys in a few years because Jordan

(18:56):
is a man of his word.

Speaker 2 (18:57):
Thanks for reading, Oh, thank you forgiving us that story.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
That was wow beautiful. That was like the perfect perfect
We went through all all the emotions thing and it
looked I honestly, I think it was gonna you.

Speaker 2 (19:12):
Were like Maya, Maya's coming.

Speaker 1 (19:14):
First I thought she was going to swoop in. And
then and then when when OPI was like I need space,
Like back off, I'm like, I don't. I don't know
if it's gonna work out. But beautiful, beautiful one.

Speaker 2 (19:23):
Today, Oh, my friend's sister in law announced her due date.
But it's the same day as my friend's wedding.

Speaker 1 (19:30):
We can get the baby out. There's face.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
My friend recently asked me to be in her bridal party.
We've been friends since college and we're very close for
several years, roommates for two and then have grown somewhat apart.
After I moved to a city with a new partner.
By the way, this comes from Bubblegum Yum yum. And
if you want to smit your own stories, go to
our slash Okay story times. How about it. So we
haven't grown terribly apart, just more in the way you
become less intimately close when your adults and live across

(19:53):
the country from one another. We still talk about once
or twice a month for about an hour at a time.
So it wasn't a surprise to be asked to be
in her bridal party. But I wouldn't have been offended
if I'd been left out. I hope that makes sense. Essentially,
I'm not close enough to be your maid of honor.
I probably won't be missed if I'm not at the
wedding because I'm no longer in her core social group.
My friend got engaged just a few weeks ago. She

(20:15):
called me and the other bridal party members a week
ago and asked if we could make a September wedding
work because her dream venue out a cancelation. Otherwise the
venue is booked for the next three years. I've known
she's wanted the venue for a while, so of course
I said yes. This speeding up the planet. Here's where
things get murky. I don't know her fiance that well,

(20:35):
but I do know that he has a twin brother
who got married just before the pandemic. Well, the twins
brother's wife is expecting their first child, and her due
dates is the exact same day as my friend's dream
venue dates. So the wedding venue is in New York City,
while my friend, her family, and her fiance's family all

(20:56):
live in the same area in the state, requiring plain
flights to get to NYC. My friends expressed to me
and the other bridal party members that her fiance's family
has been urging her to move the wedding away from
the sister in law's due date. It's unclear how her
fiance feels, but I know that he was his brother's
best man when the brother got married. Understandably, the brother

(21:17):
had agreed to be best man at my friend's wedding,
but has since withdrawn his commitment. Given the September wedding dates.
My friend doesn't understand why the twin can't just fly
home if the baby comes during the wedding weekend. Going
back to how my friend and I aren't as close
as we once were. If I rocked the boat, it
could terminate my friendship with her altogether. At the same time,

(21:38):
even if sister in law doesn't go into labor that weekend,
shouldn't her husband be with her. This is where my
friend and I don't see eye to eye, But it
sounds like no one on my friend's side has been
vocal about the situation. As someone in the bridal party,
I feel a responsibility to advise my friend Accordingly, if
I weren't in the bridal party, i'd stay mom. Would
I be the a hole if I told my friend

(22:00):
I agree that the wedding should be moved because of
the conflict with sister in law's do date. I get
that it's her dream venue, but this doesn't feel like
the best move to get her married life with her
husband's family. Is there a way to advise her gently
on the matter or offer a compromise. There isn't editing up.
Thank y'all for not downvoting me into oblivion. Your comments

(22:22):
have redirected my thought process about the situation, and I'm realizing, well,
while it isn't my responsibility and I shouldn't feel any
responsibility to discuss it, with my friend. I do think that,
in good faith, I want to find a gentle way
to say something to her, not a straightforward this is
a terrible idea, but that i'd originally considered. I thought
it was more this or that when I posted this.

(22:43):
Now I realized there are some softer angles, and I
can say something gently without having a full conversation about
her decision. My thoughts are still evolving, but I really
appreciate it y'all letting me know it's not my responsibility
because I was feeling pressured too. The suggestions about asking
my friend questions that might prompt her to reconsider the
situation a different light. Yes, the Socratic method, similar to

(23:03):
not taking the responsibility upon myself. I'm grateful for the
permission to reassess the friendship. I don't want to paint
my friend a negative light. I actually think he's more
naive than self centered or entitled for her lack of
understanding for the sister in law's due date doesn't quite
align with my own moral development. Update Here is the
unfolding update. The bank of Daddy stepped in and given

(23:27):
that the bride'smaid's father is a family man from Texas,
was insistent that family be placed first. Since he's paying
for everything, He's provided some suggestions to the bride. I
knew the bride's older brother in college before I met
the bride, so we're fairly close. I talked to him
and it seems like his sister has given some options.
The venue is thirty thousand dollars, but because of the

(23:48):
dad's emphasis on family, he's said that he won't pay
the entire wedding budget towards a wedding where the groom's
family won't be able to make it. He has compromised
that he will give approximately one third to one half
of the cost of the venue, but the bride has
to make up for the rest of the payment before September,
and the remainder of the dad's funding has to go

(24:08):
towards a wedding ceremony at a later date when the
groom's family can attend. So basically it's like two weddings.
Given the emphasis on family values and what I gather
was some strong influence from the bride's parents, if she
keeps the September venue as one celebration. I suggested this
to her following the comment of some one on my
original post to thank you, but not the main celebration

(24:29):
that she won't be able to crunch in both a
bachelotte and bridal shower before September. I'm not as certain
about won't be able to as I am was told
both won't happen. With the compromise that her bridal shower
festivities be fit into a bachelolette weekend in June's last July.
Instead of a separate bridal shower, the bride will host
a baby shower for the sistern law since the cistern

(24:51):
Lot won't be able to make it to New York
City again. The vibe here is some strong Southern Texan
family values reminders from the parents honestly good for them.
So it sounds like basically they're pushing for two weddings.

Speaker 1 (25:05):
Yeah, so that was like, hey, we can have a
celebration where everyone could be here, which I mean low
key like great, but also kind of wild to basically
throw a whole another I mean, I guess it is
like the best man and the twin brother and everything,
but like, I don't know if I've ever remembered.

Speaker 2 (25:19):
All other weddings or just those two people.

Speaker 1 (25:22):
Just yeah, just one now three well, the baby will
be there.

Speaker 2 (25:25):
Yeah, but I guess you know, I think you can
do it. Well if you can do it, But I
I mean, I feel like, is someone gonna is your family,
You're gonna have to like travel for this, is your
family gonna travel twice for the same wedding, all of
your family? No, Like, I don't think so. So the
bride can access the remaining wedding funds once it's clear
that a celebration can be planned that will allow for

(25:46):
all members of both sides of the family to attend.
To help the bride afford the September venue, the other bridesmaids,
her brother and I discuss options where if she's willing
to rent design her outfits from rent the Runway or elsewhere,
rather than have the bridal party spent a ton of
money on apparel and shoes, and will each contribute what
we would have spent on a tire to give towards
the venue cost. Just do one wedding. Why do you

(26:08):
care so much about this venue?

Speaker 1 (26:09):
I guess it's possible. It approaches territory to where it's like,
if they start asking for more money or something, then
I think that's the only.

Speaker 2 (26:15):
Yeah, we'd be like, hey, now it's our circus. Yes,
now it's our circus. I talked to the sister in
law along with the bride's brother, and she is the sweetest.
She was so selfless and clearly trying not to veto
the bride's dream venue. She shared anecdotes from her own
wedding compromises to lighten the mood. This is all still
in progress, but for now it seems like the bank
of Daddy has stepped in and reminded the bride of

(26:36):
family values, also to prevent his daughter from starting married
life by alienating his in laws. Gotta say, Dad seems
like a good man and supportive yet firm parent. But
if you want a supportive we get firm podcasts. You
should listen to full episodes with stories just like this
by going to Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast
app and searching Okay, storytime, there's another relevant updates. But

(26:57):
it feels like we're being pushed toward making sure the
twin brother can't attend.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna be honest. The friend seems
like she might be a little cuckoo for Coca puffs
and just run run it with two weddings. Yeah, I
feel like there's a there's there's definitely a chance that
might be what we end up with. It makes no sense,
It doesn't make any sense. You're you're stressing yourself out
for what? For what? Just like have more time, have
your bridal showers, everything, and then just have the second Well,

(27:25):
I guess that the one thing they lose is the
dream venue. But which? But would you rather have your
dream venue or your dream marriage?

Speaker 2 (27:34):
You know, like your dream relationship.

Speaker 1 (27:36):
We don't know if she if she loves twin pro like.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
That now, all right, not twin bro, but liked to
make sure his brother can be at the wedding, you know,
I feel like that important.

Speaker 1 (27:49):
Yeah, for the for the for the for the fiance.

Speaker 2 (27:50):
Yeah, but we got an update, So I can't adequately
thank y'all enough. But your comment input of maybe realize
some difficult yet very real truths. This situation has prompted
me to get consider my own values when it comes
to family and relationships versus materialistic destination desires. I'm so
exhausted at this point because the bridal party group chats
are going bananas, but we all really helped me gain

(28:11):
grounding and perspective on this entire fiasco. Seriously, thank you
all so much. Wherever the wedding slash weddings ultimately are,
I hope there's an open bar because I'm going to
need it. So we don't have a resolution acts what's
going to happen. But if I think I'm going to
take away a lesson from this, choose the person you're
getting married to and their happiness over the materialistic wedding

(28:32):
venue or like anything and any of the things that, like,
the people that are going to the wedding are way
more important than the things that we'll be there.

Speaker 1 (28:39):
I will say though, like if it was my wife's
dream wedding venue, I definitely like that. That's they're like,
it's it's it's it's not fun.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
It definitely is a loss. But like, are you choosing
the wedding venue over the best man?

Speaker 1 (28:54):
Yeah, just to acknowledge, like, yeah, I understand my you know,
my wife's want to do this thing, but it's like, yeah,
are we going to basically have to miss that? It
just it just makes sense. It just makes sense to
do the one wedding.

Speaker 2 (29:06):
But I'm I'm and also it makes further sense because
the bride is not paying for the venue. That's that's
less she has two weddings. If she has two weddings,
then she's paying. It's the bank of Daddy that is
paying for the wedding.

Speaker 1 (29:19):
I want that a bank. That's a good bank.

Speaker 2 (29:21):
That's a good bank. But yeah, so it's like all
of these things are like why why, why do you
really needed that bad? Let us know what you think.
But that's where that story ends.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
Hey, it's John here. We're gonna get back to this episode,
but a quick three minute break with ASWERMR sponsors.

Speaker 4 (29:36):
I refuse to give my mother's ring to my queer
daughter because it's for the next born daughter.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
Are you sure it's not because your daughter's queer? Are
we one hundred percent certain you're not being a bigger
right now? Are we sure?

Speaker 4 (29:50):
I posted this on the m I the a hole,
and they removed it because one of the moms really
thinks I'm an.

Speaker 1 (29:55):
A Wait wait, what not? Why they removed it?

Speaker 4 (29:59):
I have added a few our details in here that
people asked about before it was removed. I haven't removed anything.
A few people said that if this is me trying
to sound like I'm not an ahle, then I must
be a huge a hole in real life. This is
me being as real about these things as I can.

Speaker 1 (30:14):
I'm just being real, dude.

Speaker 4 (30:15):
By the way, this comes from a non jewelry and
if you would have smit your own stories, go our
slash Okay, storytime suffered it. So I male fifty two.
I have two children, will call Bob male twenty six
and Meg female twenty two. Meg was born male but
began to transition to female a year ago. My dad
gave my mom a very large and expensive diamond ring

(30:37):
for their thirtieth wedding anniversary, and when she passed away
in two thousand and nine, her will stated that everything
went to my dad except the ring, which is to
pass on to the next born female in our family.
I only have one sibling, a brother, and like me,
he didn't have a daughter, so we just figured one
of us would eventually have a granddaughter and she would

(30:57):
get the ring. The ring was last praised in two
thousand and four for one point two million. I do
not know what it's worth now. Meg and I have
always had a contentious relationship. She was always having problems
in school, always causing problems with her mom. And brother
wouldn't listen to anyone, had never held a job for

(31:19):
more than a few weeks, has been arrested for shoplifting,
just been a tough kid to raise. She still lives
with us and we're basically still paying for everything. A
few weeks ago, she said that she wants my mother's ring.
I thought she was kidding, but when I said no
and kind of laughed about it, she exploded and called
me all kinds of names and threw food all over
the kitchen before storming out. I wanted to change the

(31:42):
locks while she was gone, but I calmed down because
I know that would probably lead to a bad outcome.
My wife initially agreed with me, but has now started
to think that Meg should get the ring. I am
absolutely not going to give her the ring, and here
is why it would fracture my relationship with my brother.
I am not one hundred percent sure that Meg didn't
transition specifically to get this ring.

Speaker 3 (32:05):
I meant no, but like one point four million, that's fair, that's.

Speaker 4 (32:10):
Crazy though, I'm sorry, that's crazy.

Speaker 3 (32:14):
I don't think people appreciate the absurd lengths that people
would go to to acquire something worth that much money.
But she of course, that's an absurd thing.

Speaker 4 (32:23):
This is absurd.

Speaker 3 (32:25):
That's absurd, but it is not a zero percent chance,
which is even more absurd.

Speaker 4 (32:32):
She has said several times that were dumb not to
sell it. A lot of people really took issue with this,
and that's the reason my post was deleted. While it's
very extreme to transition just to get a ring, children
have unlive their parents for less money.

Speaker 3 (32:45):
Yeah, who do you think your daughter is?

Speaker 4 (32:48):
Meg has already asked her grandparents and us for her
share of her inheritance. I hate the thought of it too,
and I hope it's not true. Even though this wasn't
an issue my mother ever thought about. I am positive
that she you wouldn't want a trans female to have
the ring. She wanted the ring to be passed down
from daughter to daughter so that no one could ever
lose it in a divorce. Currently, my daughter dates women,

(33:09):
which could lead to the exact problem my mom wanted
to avoid. Someone mentioned she could detransition after.

Speaker 3 (33:15):
Getting the ring.

Speaker 4 (33:16):
Even though I'm not happy about it, I am willing
to accept my daughter as she is, and I try
my best to not use her passed away name and
use the right pronouns. A lot of people said a
lot of hateful things about me being transphobic, and if
that's how you feel, consider that I still support her.
She's on my insurance and I pay for her medication
that an insurance doesn't. It's been hard on the whole family,

(33:39):
and we're doing the best we can. Her doctor said
that being a transgender maybe the reason she struggled so
much growing up. And at the end of the day,
I just want my kids to be healthy and happy.
I don't feel like I'm being an ale here. But
with my wife starting to question the situation, I thought
maybe i'd get some outside perspectives and a couple of additions.
Since people are asking the ring is in a safe

(34:00):
deposit box in another city, Meg doesn't even know who
to contact in order to see if she'd be eligible
for the ring. In that sense, i'm stopping her getting
the ring. I am not sure what the exact wording
of the will is, but it's a legal document and
very specific about how the ring should be transferred. If
one of us has a sis granddaughter that isn't responsible
and would want to sell the ring, I would do

(34:20):
all I could to stop the transfer, but unless there
are stipulations in the will for that, which there might be,
I would really have no choice. I have not told
Meg that I suspect she transitioned just to get the ring.
I was talking to my wife about it because so
many people have mentioned how crazy that is, and it
doesn't seem crazy to me, and my wife verbalized it
better than I did. She's always treated us, but especially me,

(34:42):
like a resource, not like family. And that is your
argument that you should have been using the whole time.
That is an argument that you could have made it out.
Everyone probably would have been like, yeah, your daughter seems like,
you know, she's just using you guys for money because
she's grown up wealthy her whole life. And if you
said that, I probably would have been like, huh, but

(35:03):
you've only said the worst things that came out of
your mind.

Speaker 3 (35:06):
She wants the ring.

Speaker 4 (35:08):
Comment one, Hey, opie, my older sister acts very similarly
to Meg, but she's not a trance. Let's take trance
out of the equation. Meg throws tantrums and has said
she'd sell the ring. Trust me, she'll do just that.
My sister stole and sold my grandmother's ring that was
supposed to come to me. She also stole and sold
my Scottish great grandmother's platinum bracelet that was supposed to

(35:29):
come to me. I can't get those things back. My
older sister is now in jail at thirty eight for
not paying her registration and car insurance. Comment to get
a replica ring made, Give it to Meg and see
how quickly she sells it. Reply says, honestly, that's diabolical,
but it's prove Op's point pretty fast. I played off
like it's legit even after the fact. Oh it's not
actually valuable. Well, it's meant to as an heirloom, so

(35:50):
that wasn't the point anyway. Or Another replies says, shady's crap,
but probably necessary tbh. The ring is essentially an engagement
marriage ring, and if Meg isn't getting married, then there's
no reason for Meg to want the ring. That's the
type of ring you give to your future son in
law when he asks for permission to marry your daughter,
or the type of ring you give to them when
they announce their engagement. So I'm deaf questioning why Meg

(36:12):
wants it, especially now there is an update. I contacted
the law firm that's set up the will and got
some clarification on the actual terms. Long story short, there
is language in it that stops Meg from being eligible
to claim the ring. There's also exclusions for being attracted
to the same gender and for being unstrustworthy.

Speaker 3 (36:31):
Right things, the biggot contract rears its head. Fine, Wow,
it's the biggest contract.

Speaker 4 (36:36):
Were he's the biggest contract.

Speaker 3 (36:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (36:38):
In addition to the specific exclusions outlined in the will,
anyone can inherit it or be blocked if my brother,
my father, and I all vote for it. I remember
when my parents set this up. It was such a
big deal. It was going to be their legacy. They
immigrated to the US while my mom was pregnant with me,
and it was very important to them to set down roots.
And this was going to be the thing that would

(36:58):
bind our family together for generations and keep the story
of their trials and eventual success relevant to our bloodline.
I hadn't thought about the ring in a long time.
Why would I We weren't planning on having any more kids,
and neither was my brother, so that generation wasn't going
to get it, So why would it matter what the
actual terms were. When my daughter started to transition. It

(37:20):
didn't even occur to me that it might make her
eligible for the inheritance. That's how far removed from my
day to day life the ring is. Now that this
has all happened, I've given a lot of critical thought
to what this ring really is and what it will,
in all probability accomplish. Honestly, almost all the comments that
I got on hear were helpful, so thank you, unless
you accused me of naming my daughter Meg because a

(37:42):
family guy or saying that this is an episode of
family Guy. I have spoken to my brother. I told
him that Meg asked for the ring and I said no,
without even knowing the terms of the will. He agreed
that Meg has too many problems to get the ring,
and like me, he hadn't even thought about the rings
since the will happened. I asked him what we should
do if one of our kids has a daughter and
she's totally irresponsible and wants to pawn the ring. He

(38:04):
agreed that it would be a problem that he wouldn't want.
Then I told him that I just don't see this
working out the way our mama thought it would. That
depending on the economic conditions by the time it's inherited.
It might just be a race to see who can
have the first girl, so they can sell it and
have some security. The further away from my mom it gets,
the less sentimental value it has. He agreed with all
my points. I suggested that we sell it and set

(38:26):
up a trust in our mother's name that gives all
of our kids several payments to make their transition into
adulthood easier, maybe a payout at eighteen, twenty one, and thirty.
My brother likes the idea, but the only way we
can do this is convince my dad. He's eighty three
and still pretty sharp, but his wife's memory and legacy
is very important to him, so I have no idea

(38:47):
if it's something he'll even consider. So that's where we are.
Thanks for your inputs and edits. The value for the
ring is for insurance purposes. I don't know anything about jewelry.
According to the helpful people here, the ring is worth
somewhere between ten and eighty percent.

Speaker 3 (39:02):
Of the value. That's a spectrum.

Speaker 4 (39:04):
Yeah, I'm sure we'll get a new evaluation if we
go forward with the sale. I don't really know anything
about the ring other than it's a single large diamond.
So many hateful people on here talking crap about my
pastway mom.

Speaker 3 (39:16):
You are really cool.

Speaker 4 (39:17):
My mom had some bad antiquated ideas, but she was
a great mom. You also have some bad antiquated ideas.

Speaker 3 (39:24):
Yeah, it's like she was a great mom because you
fit into her idea of what a human being is
allowed to be.

Speaker 4 (39:31):
You have those same ideas you didn't learn too much.
I had a great childhood, and my kids, whom she
loved very much, also have great memories of her. So
enjoy hating on an old Pastway woman. I'm sure it
depresses the other slogs on here. I know I won't
hate on your mom, but I just am disappointed in you.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
That's what I'm here for, folks. Uh, just you telling
me not to hate on your mom. This really makes
you want to hear on your mom.

Speaker 4 (39:57):
But there are ah some comments to finish the story
off the one. My brother works in a business that
buys old jewelry, gold and diamonds. Based on his experience
and inheritance, is very possible that you are making mountain
out of ant hill and the ring is not as
valuable as you think. And there is an update. I
spoke to my dad for the first time in nearly
a year. I got my brother on and we presented

(40:17):
him with what we saw is the problem with Mom's
ring being passed to daughter to daughter. I should mention
that after I talked to my brother about establishing a
trust that gave all kids and grandkids a payment to
help them become adults, he had another idea for the ring.
Sell the ring and use the proceeds to buy slash,
build a house around Big sur, California, which was our
mom's favorite place on earth, name the house after her,

(40:39):
and let all the kids grandkids use it however they want.
I liked that idea too, so we were going to
propose both to our dad. He immediately shot both of
them down. He did agree that it's very possible that
whoever gets it will just sell it and that it
could cause strife, but it's her will that is being
passed on, and he wants to ensure that her wishes
are fulfilled. My dad did like the idea of a
house in Big Serve for the family and said he

(41:00):
might look into doing that, and asked if we could
be interested in helping, which we are, so that may materialize.
Here are some updates on a couple of things that
a lot of people commented on. Some people said to
just wait for my dad to pass away. Not that
I want my dad to pass and I don't like
speculating on his passing, but his dad lived to be
almost one hundred and two, and my dad is in

(41:20):
really good shape for an eighty three year old eighty
four in March, so he might have another twentyish years.
There was a lot of discussion about how much the
ring is worth. My dad is friends with a jeweler
in New York who has done business with for over
forty years. My dad said they spoke last year and
the jeweler offered to buy the ring for eight hundred
and eighty thousand dollars. My dad says he could get

(41:44):
more in an auction if he wanted to sell, which
he doesn't. By the way, we do want you to
listen to Fall episodes with stories just like this. Just
go to Spotify, Apple Podcast or your favorite podcast tap
in search of Pocus story Time.

Speaker 3 (41:56):
Just do that.

Speaker 4 (41:58):
Lastly, a development that has nothing to do with the
original question. I have punted Meg out of my house.
I'm not taking her off my insurance and I've given
her a month to move out, but I am otherwise
one hundred percent done. She has always had a better
relationship with her mom than me.

Speaker 3 (42:11):
I wonder why.

Speaker 4 (42:13):
But they got in a fight over a stupid effing
purse and Meg.

Speaker 3 (42:17):
Hit her in the shoulder.

Speaker 4 (42:18):
Oh it left a huge bruise. My wife is shocked
and hurt and angry. She can't believe we raise such
a brat.

Speaker 1 (42:25):
I can you like?

Speaker 3 (42:27):
That was the moment She's like, our kids are brat.

Speaker 4 (42:30):
I can believe that you guys would raise a brat.
I hope that this will help fix whatever is wrong
with her, but for now I don't ever want to
see her again. When she leaves and comments, you're going
to have similar problems with a family house. It will
need to be passed on to somebody, and that person
can just sell it. The person could also close it
off to the wider family, making it just their house
alone or rented out to others. Same problem, but now

(42:51):
it's a house shaped reply way more work, drama and
upkeep too. Who's going to pay for utilities? What if
OP pays half the utilities, brother's side uses it more?
Who's gonna make rules on when it can and can't
be used. What if one couple wants it as a
romantic weekend alone and another family wants to invite a
bunch of friends. Who's going to manage a reservation system,

(43:12):
who's gonna pay repairs, property taxes, who's going to keep
an eye on it and make sure someone in the
family isn't reserving it and using those reservations to rent
it out on Airbnb, And basically saying there are.

Speaker 3 (43:24):
A lot of problems with that idea.

Speaker 2 (43:27):
Which, yeah, hey, it's Sam. We're going to get back
to these stories. But here's three minutes of ads from
our sponsors.

Speaker 3 (43:33):
My grandmother has dementia and she's always angry with me.

Speaker 4 (43:40):
Oh boy, this sounds like a sad story.

Speaker 3 (43:42):
Actually, the trigger warning this story's gonna hurt you. So
if you don't want that, then you need to not
listen to this story. I'm going to try to explain
this as well as possible. From my entire childhood, my
grandma was a fantastic grandmother. She loves spending time with
us grandkids, doing things with us, and just overall grow However,
she has always been a difficult person in general. By

(44:03):
the way, this comes from user dementia dilemma and if
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash okay storytime subreddit. So my dad, her son
fifty Mail, always said that in her mind, she has
the only correct worldview. Anyone who remotely disagrees is just wrong,
so she has the worst point of view. Cool. She
would cause fights with my mother her daughter in law

(44:25):
over things, and just create family drama in general. All
the same, we love her and I have very fond
memories of her. A few years ago, she was diagnosed
with dementia. Over the years since, it's gotten much worse
due to her now current confusion, which I understand is
completely out of her control. She has become mean and hateful,
to the point that even my grandfather, her husband seventy Mail,

(44:48):
that takes care of her almost twenty four to seven,
has to take many breaks from her. As a kid,
I was the perfect grandchild. I was enthusiastic, hardworking, and
did everything within my power not to disc point any
of my family. Even as a teenager, I visited them
every couple of days, and in college I visited and
called routinely. I'm also the only granddaughter and the only

(45:10):
grandkid to go to college. My cousins aren't dumb, they
just chose different paths, which is awesome for them. And
my grandparents did put a lot of pressure on me
to be the shining star of the family. In their words,
if my GPA's at three point nine instead of a
four point zero, they'd asked, what brought you down. My
grandma always said she didn't have a favorite grandchild, but

(45:31):
pretty much everyone in the family acknowledges that even if
I wasn't a favorite, I was special. I'm not praising
this or bragging, nor did I want to be more
special than my cousins, but this is just for context. However,
last year I got really busy. School was way more intense.
I had an internship that took up almost all of
my after school time and weekends. I didn't have any

(45:54):
time to visit or call that much because I was
busy from eight am to eleven pm most days, and
I don't have a car don't need one where I live,
so I relied on my other family to drive if
we scheduled something. I did call when I could, though, However,
because I did all this less than I have in
the past, my grandmother got angry with me. She put

(46:15):
down all my pictures, told everyone how selfish I was,
and all manner of things. Oh very unfortunate. My parents
and my grandfather and myself tried to kindly explain everything
to her, but because of her condition, she didn't understand.
I missed the Christmas family gathering because my family scheduled
it on a day I had to do my internship
and it couldn't be changed. I visited my grandpa later

(46:37):
on in December and he said we weren't seeing Grandma
because she was having a bad day. I was there
for Thanksgiving last year and my grandmother refused to say
a word to me, though she socialized with everyone else.
I talked to her, but she ignored me, and that
hurt pretty much. Any time I see her since has
been like that. Only gotten busier with work in school,

(46:57):
and as a result, I've been more unable to visit
my hometown because of having to organize rides a lot
of times planning stuff doesn't work out. If I had
a car, I would absolutely be there as much as
I could, and I try to call, but she doesn't
want to talk to me. Gets more complicated because she
remembers things incorrectly. She claims I haven't been there for
holidays when I have, that I never call when I do,

(47:19):
and that I never give her Birthday or Christmas gifts
and all that stuff. If someone corrects her, she gets
angry and asserts that she knows she's correct. My other
cousins never go to see her unless it's a holiday,
but she doesn't hate them for it. Even my dad
moved across the country and almost never calls, and she's
not mad at him. It all seems like the anger
is directed at me. I've given up on trying to

(47:40):
reason with her. That sounds mean, but she cannot really
understand reason anymore. I'm not angry at her, as I
know this isn't her fault, and least I've accepted that
she isn't the same person anymore. I want to spend
as much time with her as I can before her
condition worshiens or she passes away. But she's so angry
at me, and I don't even know if my efforts

(48:00):
will help with her being confused and not remembering things.
I feel tremendous guilt over this, like I've done something horrible.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough before Oh that's not
That's not what's going on here. I'm already doing all
I can to schedule more visits and I'm calling regularly,
but it doesn't seem to be helping right now. How
can I try to repair my relationship with my grandmother

(48:23):
on some level? Maybe I didn't try hard enough. How
do I make this right? And there's comments. Comment number
one here says she cannot really understand reason anymore, which
also means that her anger is illogical and has nothing
to do with what you have or have not done.
You need to balance your understandable desire to spend whatever
time she has remaining with her with the reality that

(48:45):
not all of those interactions are going to be positive,
and take care of yourself if it gets to be
too much. Also, it's generally best not to argue with
someone who has dementia. She complains that you didn't do
something she's forgotten, just say you're right, Grandma, I'm sorry,
but I'm here now and I want to spend time
with you and see if that gets her on a
different train of thought. And there is an update here. Hey, y'all.

(49:08):
First off, I want to say thank you to everyone
who replied and to those who read it and said
prayers or and sent good vibes and thoughts my way.
I spent a lot of time reading every reply, and
I checked this account and was really touched by a
few private messages I got asking how everything was the
fact that people remembered the post written by some internet
stranger tugged at my heart strings. And now onto the update.

(49:31):
I spent a lot of time considering what everyone had
replied and the resources and experiences others shared. It made
me feel a lot better and clear headed about the situation.
I realized that my emotions were weird and I didn't
know how to sort it out. For example, I was
angry about being ignored and disowned by her when I
was doing my best, but I felt I didn't have

(49:54):
a right to be angry because her condition is not
her fault. I should also mention that my grandmother wasn't
the nicest of people before dementia, and the only people
who really care for her are her blood relatives. That
sounds really harsh, but the rest of the family acknowledges
this too. So with a mixed bag of emotions of
grieving for my grandmother being angry about her treatment, of

(50:15):
me anxiety about facing her at holidays just to be
yelled at. I was really conflicted about going to Thanksgiving.
I talked to my dad, my grandma's son, my mom,
and my long term significant other about my feelings. They
understood where I was coming from and encouraged me to
go to Thanksgiving if I wanted to and if it
felt right to me. They gave me some sound advice

(50:35):
that reinforced advice I got on the sub So my
mom talked to my grandpa about something unrelated and then
called to tell me that I was allowed to come
to Thanksgiving on the condition that my grandmother gets to
scold and lecture the exact quote me. They all knew
I wasn't going to go for that at all. My grandfather,
her husband, and I'm pretty sure he's a saint sent

(50:56):
from some deity, called me asking if I'd be going
to say Thanksgiving. My grandpa is her number one caregiver
and gave up a part time job. He loved all
of his activities, traveling, etc. To care for her. It's
not always healthy for him, but he loves talking on
the phone to people now more than ever. So I
always make the time that was a tangent sorry. I

(51:17):
told him I wanted to go if the scheduling worked out.
We were still working out plans with my significant other's family,
and he just lit up over the phone and I
could practically hear him smiling. I could absolutely not say
no to him, even if I wanted to. For context,
the issue with me and my grandmother has been stressing
my grandfather out too. He loves me dearly, of course,

(51:38):
and felt like they were losing their relationship with me
over this because my grandmother cannot be reasoned with me.
Not just agreeing to go, but wanting to go was
a big deal for him. Aw. He told me that
he and my aunt were going to sit down and
talk to my grandmother on how to treat me at
the holiday. I told him not to do more than
he had to, because I felt that I could handle

(51:58):
it if she did go off on me, but also
to not stress him out if she could not be
reasoned with. He was committed to it, so I trusted
his judgment. He couldn't promise she wouldn't go off on me,
but he told me he would do his best to
diffuse the situation if she did. The weeks carried on
and I volunteered to make the mashed potatoes and I
saw my mom sibe the day before Thanksgiving. Then I

(52:19):
got a call from my grandmother and I was expecting
the worst. However, she was extraordinarily pleasant over the phone
and just wanted to talk about the food. The next day,
my significant other and I went to her side for Thanksgiving.
I was really happy it worked out that he could
go with me, as it soothed my anxiety a little.
That and a well stocked wine cellar. I kept in

(52:39):
mind all the advice on this sub that said deflect,
deflec deflect, so that helped me keep my head on straight.
My grandmother was surprisingly present. She just seemed happy that
everyone was there for context. Not much of my family
goes to see her, which was part of my anger.
My cousins never see her, even though they own cars
and live closer. I live further away and don't have

(53:01):
a car. Yet all her anger was focused at me
when I made more time and effort than they did.
My one cousin is studying a trade and my grandmother
did nothing but praise him and his accomplishments, which is
well and good. She wasn't interested in me my studies
at the university or goals. That stung a bit. As
in the past she always made a point to tell
her she's proud of me, but this time it wasn't

(53:24):
even so much as a pet on the back. I've
sort of been the lovable black sheep for a while,
so I'm kind of used to it, but I'm still
a little hurt. The rest of the celebration went on
without incident, ugs and helloes, sharing memories, that kind of thing.
I told her I'd do my best to be there
for Christmas. Mainly depends on scheduling. My grandpa was overjoyed

(53:46):
that everyone was there, and that made it all especially
worth it for me. It certainly went better than expected.
I'm a little sad that it's not like how it
used to be, and I felt a bit disconnected from her.
She didn't pay much attention to me, but it wasn't
like last year where she didn't say a word to me.
At this point, I'll take what I can get and
look forward to Christmas, as I like that holiday better

(54:07):
than Thanksgiving anyway. A lot of people had ideas for gifts,
and I decided I'll be using my craft skills to
make her a custom Christmas ornament. I'm hoping that helps.
I know that her dementia is only getting worse, but
I'm still going to do my best. I'm also graduating
this fall, and i don't know how she's going to
be with that, considering she hasn't really been interested in

(54:28):
hearing about me for a while. And by the way,
you can hear full episodes with stories like this. All
you have to do is go to iHeartRadio or Apple
Podcasts or Spotify and search OK storytime and you will
find literally every story we've ever told. Again, I want
to thank everyone for all their help and support, even

(54:50):
the up votes that helped my original post get more visibility.
I felt like we made a big step forward in
the right direction, so that's where I'm going to keep heading.
I hope you all have lovely ho The day is
no matter your beliefs or customs, that are spent laughing
and smiling with the people you love, whoever they are.
And we have some comments. Comment number one, don't take

(55:10):
it personally. Really, do not take anything she says or
does personally. Read up on the stages of Alzheimer's and
the different parts of the brain that get damaged with
every stage. Try to take in the details. She has
a terminal illness that is dismantling her brain. If you
had a friend with MS who couldn't go running with you,
would you take that personally? Reply? Yeah, one hundred percent.

(55:30):
This My grandma had Alzheimer's and sometimes she couldn't remember
my name or who I was, and she didn't know
anything about my studies or my life. And she sometimes
got angry or sad for no reason. This is all
because of her brain being confused. She wasn't the same
person anymore. It doesn't mean that the person she used
to be didn't love and care for me. Same goes
for your grandma. Alzheimer's is weird because it's almost like

(55:51):
you lose the person in grief before they're gone. Maybe
look into talking through that grief with the counselor at
school or a self help book. Relationships with people with
dementia can become quite superficial due to their memory loss,
inability to hold a conversation, etc. But with my grandma,
I just tried my best to make her smile and
make her happy and occupied when I was with her.

(56:13):
That's all you can do. They might forget you were
there as soon as you leave. But with my grandma,
she'd still be happy after something good happened, even if
she didn't know why, and sometimes there were moments when
she seemed almost normal. You have to hold on to those.
Definitely read up on Alzheimer's symptoms. I hope that helps
you to feel like there is less of an attack

(56:33):
on you. If that doesn't work, you might want to
consider whether you take things personally in general and work
on that issue. Comment number two. One thing I did
with my grandma who had dementia as I would leave
her a little note telling her I was here and
the date and put it on the wall, and I
would put the next date I was coming to visit

(56:55):
on it too. Comment number three says this might be
bad advice, especially since it seems like you don't have
much free time, But have you considered writing her letters.
It would give her something tangible to hold on and
reread and wouldn't be as easy for her to forget
about as a phone call. You could send little care
packages with a note and some pictures or trinkets to

(57:17):
give her a more physical way to connect with you.
Since you can't visit as often as you like. OHP says,
this is an idea, and I'll talk to my grandfather onto.
I'm sorry, and I'll talk to my grandfather about it.
She tends to prefer phone calls for the most part,
for whatever reason. But she's also really but she also
really likes cute little cards and stuff. So that's something

(57:39):
I was thinking about. I like crafts, that's something within
my skill range. I like this idea a lot, especially
the care packages. Thank you. And that is the end
of that story. Oh sad.