How have your goals changed since January?
What's your next step for improvement in the coming 90 days?
This episode isn't just a conversation; it's an invitation to dive deep into your thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. Jay discusses the tough questions about identity, authenticity, and personal growth, guiding you through a process of self-discovery and transformation. You'll find insights and strategies to help you understand who you truly are and how to align your life with your deepest values. Whether you're looking to break free from the fear of judgment, understand your true desires, or simply get a clearer picture of where you're headed, this is the ultimate guide to your first 90-day check in.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to overcome the fear of judgment
How to be your true self
How to handle external pressure
If you're ready to challenge the status quo and redefine your sense of self, let's uncover the power of self-reflection and the beauty of becoming who you truly are.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:03 Why Live Your Years in Quarters
03:11 The Hardest Challenge Today
05:12 #1: What Is the Most Difficult Judgment You’re Afraid Of?
07:00 #2: Who Would You Be If You Didn’t Worry What People Would Think About You?
07:57 #3: What Would You Do If You Didn’t Worry About What People Think Of You?
13:47 What Did You Use to Value You Don’t Value Anymore?
16:58 Attachment and Aversion Are Two Sides of the Same Coin
21:07 3 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Some people never become who they are. They stop trusting
in themselves, they conform to the tastes of others, and
they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature.
And his Daily Law from Robert Green says, if you
allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying
attention to that voice and force within you, then you
(00:22):
can become what you were fated to become, an individual,
a master.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy Sews Only Jay Shety Everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning
in right now to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
I feel that this episode is going to be a
pivotal one for the rest of your twenty twenty four.
(00:53):
This is going to be one of those episodes that
you're going to feel the difference immediately because you checked in.
We're already ninety days in, right, we're three months in,
effectively ninety days in, and we're a quarter of the
way through the year, three months down, and it is
(01:15):
so important that we start living our years in quarters.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Right. A lot of us wait for.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
New Year's Day, new Year's resolutions to restart to reset
to feel like we can gather momentum again, get that
energy back.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
But here's what I want to tell you.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
The highest performers in the world, the highest performing companies
in the world, the brands and the organizations that hit
their pinnacle, all of them are measuring things every week,
every day, and definitely every quarter. Now, I want you
to have a year that you look back on and say,
(01:53):
twenty twenty four was one of the best years of
my life. How many of you want that year? Raise
your hand right now, nod your head right now, right.
So many of us want that year, but we almost
wait until the end of the year to see what
did I achieve?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
What have I done? Where did things go wrong? Where
did they go right?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
This is your quarter one check in to help you
level up, to help you upgrade, and to help you
get to the next stage in your acceleration. So here's
how I want you to think about this. These aren't
(02:35):
just any old questions. These aren't just easy reflection questions
for the end of the year.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
End of the month.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
These are the ones that are going to feel a
little bit uncomfortable. These reflections are going to be challenging,
and I want them to be because I really want
to uncover what's blocking you. I really want to uncover
what's getting in your way. I really want to uncover
what is it that is holding you back. When you
(03:04):
know what you need to do, when you know what
you need to build, when you know what's on the
other side. Now here's the one want to approach this.
You've heard me say this quote before, but I have
to share it again. Charles Horton Cooley once wrote, the
challenge today is I'm not what I think I am.
(03:27):
I'm not what you think I am. I am what
I think you think I am. Let that blow your
mind for a moment. Charles Horton Coolly said, the challenge
today is I'm not what I think I am. I'm
not what you think I am. I am what I
think you think I am, Which means we live in
(03:49):
a perception of a perception of ourselves. Let me break
that down further. What it means is if I think
that you think I'm smart, then I feel smart. But
if I think that you think I'm weak, then I
feel weak. A lot of us base what we're chasing,
(04:12):
what we're doing, what we're building, how we spend our
time on what we think people think of us. Some
of us don't try to do the thing we really
want to do because we're scared of what people think
of us. So many of us don't chase our dreams
(04:35):
because we're scared of what we think people think of us.
So many of us don't date the person we want
to date. We don't try the thing we want to try,
We don't launch the thing we want to launch because
we're so worried of what we think other people think
of us. And this block, this fear not a failure,
(04:58):
but of the judgment that will get if we fail,
holds us back eternally. So here's how I want to
start excavating. As our quarter one check in today. The
first question is what is the most difficult judgment that
(05:19):
you're afraid of? I told you it was going to
be a tough one. I told you it's going to
be uncomfortable, right. I told you I was going to
challenge you today. What is the most difficult judgment you
are afraid of?
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Right? What's that thing that you're like?
Speaker 1 (05:37):
I don't want people to think that about me, right,
I don't want to think that about myself. But what
is the thing that you think. I don't want people
to think that about me. That's why I'm not doing X, Y,
Z or Z Right. What is the most difficult judgment
you're afraid of facing that's blocking you from living your
(06:00):
best life, that's made this quarter slower, less productive, less
effective than you want it to be. Now, this is
a really interesting one because we all don't like being judged,
and that totally makes sense, right, that none of us
want to be judged. But this is really more about
the idea of we're scared of a judgment that we
(06:22):
haven't received yet, because we're predicting that if we take
a certain step or action that we might get that.
We're scared that if we upload that video, our friends
will think we're losers. We're scared that if we announce
our new plans, our friends will say they're not possible.
We're scared that if we tell everyone who are dating,
(06:43):
they may not approve. We're scared that if we really
tell everyone the truth about what we want to do
and what we're focused on, people will laugh at us.
What is that most difficult judgment you are afraid of facing?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
What is it?
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Second, Who would you be if you didn't worry what
people think about you? How many of you think or
overthink how you laugh? How many of you overthink how
you cry? How many of you overthink how you behave
in social settings and then just limit yourself and then
act even more stupid?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Right? How many of you feel that way?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
You're trying to avoid acting in a way that you
judge yourself for, but then you actually end up acting worse.
Who would you be if you didn't worry what people
think about you? Who would you allow yourself to be?
Who would you allow yourself to express yourself as? What talent?
(07:43):
What habit are you holding back on? Who are you
scared of being? Would you be kinder? Would you be
more loving? Would you be more empathetic? Would you be
more bold? Would you be more courageous?
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Who would you be?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
And then third question is what would you do if
you didn't worry about what people think of you? What
would you do differently? What changes would you make to
the way you act and behave into your life?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
It's really interesting.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
When I studied the Vedic literatures during my time as
a monk, they talked about how we develop our identity
based on three key things, and they are positions, possessions,
and people. Right, our identity has become about positions, possessions,
(08:40):
and people. Let me break it down and give you
an example. Position i am a CEO, i am an author,
I'm a podcast, I'm an influencer, whatever it may be. Position,
second possession, I'm a homeowner. Right, I'm a car owner,
I'm a pet, a possession, and then people, I'm married,
(09:05):
I'm a fiance, I'm divorced. All of our identities are
based on positions, possessions, and people. And that's why when
we go through transitions in those areas, we're always intrigued
to see what people think of us. Right, you get
promoted to another position, you wonder whateverone thinks. You get
(09:28):
demoted or lose a job, you wonder whatever one thinks. Possession,
You get your first home, what does everyone think? You
are still paying rent and feeling judged for it? What
does everyone think?
Speaker 2 (09:42):
People?
Speaker 1 (09:43):
You get married and you think, what is everyon think?
You get divorced and you think, what does everon think?
So not only are we constantly wondering about what people
think of us, our identity is also wrapped up in
things that are based on what people think of us.
And we rare barely ever ask ourselves what do I
think of myself? Even right now, you might be thinking,
(10:06):
oh gosh, what's everyone thinking of what I've achieved this
first quarter? I came out swinging. Maybe I over announced
my New Year's resolutions. Maybe I haven't hit that goal
of weight gain or weight loss, or maybe I haven't
hit that goal of I said I was going to
post one video a day, like oh no, And now
my friends are laughing at me. I told them I
was going to do this, and I haven't. So many
(10:28):
of us and our reflections are actually just over analyzing
what we think others think of us. It's not really
based on how we want to focus, how we want
to refocus, what we want to build. There's a great
page that I love in the book The Daily Laws
by Robert Green, And in that book, on page forty one,
(10:52):
he writes, become who you are. Some two six hundred
years ago, the ancient Greek poet Pindar wrote, become who
you are by learning who you are. What he meant
is the following. You were born with a particular makeup
and tendencies that mark you as a piece of fate.
(11:13):
It is who you are to the core. Some people
never become who they are. They stop trusting in themselves,
they conform to the tastes of others, and they end
up wearing a mask that hides their true nature. And
His Daily Law from Robert Green says, if you allow
yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention
(11:34):
to that voice and force within you, then you can
become what you were fated to become, an individual, a master.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Right. First of all, Wow, if you haven't read the
book The Daily Lord's I love it. It's a great daily
book to read and becoming who you are. I'm more
interested in you becoming who you are than I am
in any of the goals that you set. Reason I
say that to you is because I really believe that
if you're closer to becoming who you are, everything else
will follow through. The problem is, we're becoming who they
(12:08):
want us to be, or we're becoming who we think
they think we want us to be, and that means
we believe they're thinking about us in the first place.
How many times a day do you sit there and
think about what everyone else should do with their life? Genuinely,
how often do you think about that how often do
you sit there and go, I know what so and
so should do with their life. I'm guessing never or
(12:32):
one percent of the time. That's exactly how much they're
thinking about you.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
How many of you?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
How much time do you spend every day thinking I
know whether that person should quit their career or not,
or I'm not sure they should do that or not. Well,
maybe there's a ten percent of your conversation, but that's it.
If you're only spending ten percent of your time thinking
about others, that's how much time people are spending thinking
about you. But we think it's a lot more. We
(12:59):
almost think that everyone's always constantly thinking about us. Every
Instagram story they post, every Instagram real they post, every
quote they put up, every message on the group chat
is all about us. We are constantly self reflecting and
self projecting everything that we come across, right all the time.
(13:24):
And it's so fascinating to me that this happens again
and again and again, and we rarely stop to ask ourselves,
what do I think about myself? Who am I, what
is important to me this year? And what is blocking
me this year? And that's where I want you to start.
That's where I want you to focus on. Now, some
(13:49):
of you may remember this, but Jamie on the Man
Enough podcast with Justin Bodoni a few years ago, now
this was quite a while ago, asked me what did
I use to value that I don't value anymore? And
you can see me really think about this on the episode,
and I stumble trying to figure out what's true to
(14:11):
me in that moment, and I say, being misunderstood. I said,
I don't value being understood anymore. I'm okay being misunderstood.
And that is a work in progress. It's not a
place that I've reached. It's something you're constantly working on.
But the reason I said that, and where it comes from,
is that I've realized that all of us are a paradox.
(14:35):
Take this in really really clearly, You me, everyone we
know is a paradox.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
And the reason.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Why we struggle with ourselves is because we try to
deny fifty percent or more of who we are.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
So, a paradox is something that seemingly absord word or contradictory.
And what I'm saying is that all of us have
contradictions in who we are, in how we are and
how we behave right, someone could meet you one day
and say you're the nicest person in the world, and
someone else could meet you another day and say, I'm
not so sure about them. Someone could say you're the kindest,
(15:18):
and someone could say you're the most courageous. You might
say that you're really an introvert, but everyone else thinks
you're an extrovert. We're all paradoxical and what limits us.
The reason I'm bringing this up as a quarter one
check in is because one of the ways in which
we hold ourselves back is we try and say we're
(15:38):
only one thing, and that doesn't allow us. What that
does is it blocks creativity, It blocks energy, It blocks
frequency and vibration that otherwise we could unlock if we
gave ourselves permission to be all of ourselves. It's almost
like today we feel everything is black and white, right,
(16:00):
everything's polarized because we're not able to get into the nuance.
We're not able to get into the gray. How are
you gray? How are you paradoxical? What is it about
you that you keep pushing down?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Right?
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It may be a skill set, maybe a belief and
you're like, no, no, no, I don't want to be that.
I'm just this one thing right, what is that for you?
I remember for me it was for years I was like, no,
I've been a monk. That's what I am, that's who
I am, and I'm not allowed to be a media personality.
I'm not allowed to be other things. And I've realized
that I want to embrace all of who I am.
(16:36):
I want to embrace every skill I have. I want
to embrace all the talents, all the passions that I have.
And that's allowed me to unlock living a better life.
And I wonder, what is it that you have blocked?
What part of yourself are you blocking, restricting, limiting that's
not allowing you to live at that level. There's a
(16:56):
beautiful verse in The Bug with Geita, the book that
I studied you my time is a monk that says
attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Let me say that again.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.
Notice how we all oscillate between attachment and a version.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
This is who I am. I'm attached, That's not who
I am. I'm a verse.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
And we find that it's the same energy right when
you're holding something close or pushing something away. It's the
same level of energy, whereas when you're able to accept, Hey,
maybe I'm a bit of both. Maybe that's okay. Maybe
I'm playful and profound. Maybe I'm assertive and affectioner. Maybe
I'm organized and totally goofy.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
We often want people to be one thing, and we
want to be one thing when we're all more than
one thing. What part of yourself have you been blocking?
What part of yourself have you been limiting because of
that mindset? I also want to flip this one. Who
is someone in your life you have a very black
(18:08):
and white view of Could you look at them differently?
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Maybe?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Do you recognize that they're paradoxical just as you are.
There are parts of them that exist even if you
never perceive them. It's so easy for us. We're lost
in a world right now that's all about left and right,
black and white, right and wrong, this and that. And
the truth is there's so much nuance, there's so much gray.
(18:34):
I do this one exercise sometimes with a client, and
we'll be walking down a path and I'll ask them
to focus on something or find some shrubs, some stone,
whatever it is that kind of stands out to them
that's unique and different, something that they wouldn't be familiar with.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
And I remember this one client.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
He picked something on the path and I asked him
before he picked it up, I said, tell me what
you think it's like.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
And he said, it looks really.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Rough, hard and harsh. I said, okay, great, pick it up.
He picked it up and half of it dissolved in
his hand. It was completely soft, almost like ash. Then
when he turned it over the other side was really smooth.
And I said to him, this is the story of us,
and this is the story of everyone in our lives.
(19:27):
We have a judgment, we have a perception, we have
an opinion, we have an assumption. Often we never even
take the moment to experience that individual, to really try
and understand them. We just assume that our opinion, our projection,
our prediction, our judgment must be right.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Now.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Even when we try to hold when we try to
come across that person, we may still hold on to
our assumptions. But actually, if we open up, we recognize
that they're a lot more They're a lot more layered,
they're a lot more textured than we thought. And the
same is true for ourselves. We're so much more than
(20:09):
who we think we are, and that's why we're meant
for more. We're made for more. We're built for more.
We're created for more. But we keep focusing on less.
We keep thinking we deserve less. We keep thinking we're
made for less. We keep thinking that we're built for less.
We keep settling for less and less and less, not
realizing we're made for and meant for so much more
(20:32):
that we set ourselves up for. What parts of yourself
have you been hiding? What parts of yourself have you
been limiting in quarter one? What parts of yourself have
you been restricting? And what parts of others have you
been limiting as well?
Speaker 2 (20:50):
The degree to.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Which we can't accept our own paradoxical nature, it becomes
harder to accept others. That's just the reality that we face.
It's just what we're going through. It's just the challenge
we experience now. Finally, I want to focus on a
bit of strategy. I want to ask you three questions.
(21:13):
What do you need to add to your life in
quarter two to get it in the right direction. What's
the one thing you can shift? Is it your sleep routine?
Is your workout routine? Is it protein in your diet,
whatever it is. What is that one thing you need
to shift and add to your life?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Just one thing? Nine million things, just one thing.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
What's the one thing you need to add to improve
your life? A lot of us try and do too
many things at the same time. A lot of us go, well,
I failed already, it's all over. I can't do all
of that. I'm just going to do none of it.
What's the one thing you need to add to quarter
two to make twenty twenty four a great year? By
(22:02):
the same token, what's one thing you need to stop doing.
What's one thing you need to let go of? Could
be socializing on a Monday night. It could be you know,
saying yes or no to something a little bit more.
What is it that is holding you back and that
you need to let go of? One thing that you
(22:23):
need to leave behind in this quarter? Just one thing.
What is that one thing that you're going to leave behind.
What's one thing you're gonna add and what's one thing
you're gonna minus? It's basic math? And then what's one
thing that you're going to multiply. What's something that you've
been doing that you're going to keep doing that you're
(22:43):
going to do more of what's one thing that's working
for you that you know if you multiply it, it
could transform everything. Now, I've asked you some tough questions today.
I've asked you some difficult reflections today. I've asked you
some challenge things today. And I did that because I
(23:05):
really want to mold, to help mold your mindset. I
realized so many blocks that we perceive outside of ourselves
are really in our mind. There's a belief system shift required,
there's a inherent pattern of thinking that we've developed that's
(23:26):
holding us back that needs to be shifted. And often
I find that we're trying to solve these external problems,
not realizing that so many of them simply exist in
our minds. And I think for me, what's so fascinating
(23:52):
is that I want to get to a point where
we don't keep living in this world where we're trying
to solve the problem outside of ourselves. I think it's
really really easy to constantly think like, oh, quarter one
(24:14):
is wrong because that came up, and that happened, and
this happened, and that happened and that. And I'm not
saying that we don't have valid excuses or reasons we
all do. But what I'm saying is that those are
rarely the things that help you shift or move. And
what really helps us move and shift for a lot
of us is high stakes. Are the stakes high enough?
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Right?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
When people hear that they're pre diabetic, they'll change their diet.
When people hear that their partner maybe wants to break up, divorce,
or leave them, they may get more organized. Are the
stakes high enough in your life? And stakes and stress
are different, right? Stakes are something you set. Stress is
(25:00):
something that comes off its own accord. Notice the difference
between stakes and stress. I don't want you to stress
yourself out, but I want you to raise the steaks.
I want you to raise the steaks in your life.
If you were meant to be going after ten leads,
go after one hundred. If you were meant to make
you know, one video a day because that's what you
(25:22):
committed to, what are the stakes of Why you can't
miss that video?
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Who's expecting it? Who needs it?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
We need to raise our steaks, not raise our stress.
Often we add more work to our plate, and I'm
not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to
add more worth to your work. Right, Raising your stakes
means you're adding worth to your work. Adding stress means
you're just adding work to your work. Raise your steaks
(25:54):
in quarter two, reduce your stress in quarter two. Thank
you so much for listening to On Purpose. Make sure
you leave a review, Pass this episode onto a friend
who needs it. Listen to it with a friend. Thank
you so much. Remember I'm forever in your corner and
I'm always rooting for you.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Thanks for listening.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with
doctor Daniel Ahman on how to change your life by
changing your brain. If we want a healthy mind, it
actually starts with a healthy brain.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to
scam over
Speaker 1 (26:33):
A thousand convicted felons and over one hundred murderers, and
their brains are very damage
Some people never become who they are. They stop trusting
in themselves, they conform to the tastes of others, and
they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature.
And his Daily Law from Robert Green says, if you
allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying
attention to that voice and force within you, then you
(00:22):
can become what you were fated to become, an individual,
a master.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy Sews Only Jay Shety Everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning
in right now to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
I feel that this episode is going to be a
pivotal one for the rest of your twenty twenty four.
(00:53):
This is going to be one of those episodes that
you're going to feel the difference immediately because you checked in.
We're already ninety days in, right, we're three months in,
effectively ninety days in, and we're a quarter of the
way through the year, three months down, and it is
(01:15):
so important that we start living our years in quarters.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Right. A lot of us wait for.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
New Year's Day, new Year's resolutions to restart to reset
to feel like we can gather momentum again, get that
energy back.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
But here's what I want to tell you.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
The highest performers in the world, the highest performing companies
in the world, the brands and the organizations that hit
their pinnacle, all of them are measuring things every week,
every day, and definitely every quarter. Now, I want you
to have a year that you look back on and say,
(01:53):
twenty twenty four was one of the best years of
my life. How many of you want that year? Raise
your hand right now, nod your head right now, right.
So many of us want that year, but we almost
wait until the end of the year to see what
did I achieve?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
What have I done? Where did things go wrong? Where
did they go right?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
This is your quarter one check in to help you
level up, to help you upgrade, and to help you
get to the next stage in your acceleration. So here's
how I want you to think about this. These aren't
(02:35):
just any old questions. These aren't just easy reflection questions
for the end of the year.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
End of the month.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
These are the ones that are going to feel a
little bit uncomfortable. These reflections are going to be challenging,
and I want them to be because I really want
to uncover what's blocking you. I really want to uncover
what's getting in your way. I really want to uncover
what is it that is holding you back. When you
(03:04):
know what you need to do, when you know what
you need to build, when you know what's on the
other side. Now here's the one want to approach this.
You've heard me say this quote before, but I have
to share it again. Charles Horton Cooley once wrote, the
challenge today is I'm not what I think I am.
(03:27):
I'm not what you think I am. I am what
I think you think I am. Let that blow your
mind for a moment. Charles Horton Coolly said, the challenge
today is I'm not what I think I am. I'm
not what you think I am. I am what I
think you think I am, Which means we live in
(03:49):
a perception of a perception of ourselves. Let me break
that down further. What it means is if I think
that you think I'm smart, then I feel smart. But
if I think that you think I'm weak, then I
feel weak. A lot of us base what we're chasing,
(04:12):
what we're doing, what we're building, how we spend our
time on what we think people think of us. Some
of us don't try to do the thing we really
want to do because we're scared of what people think
of us. So many of us don't chase our dreams
(04:35):
because we're scared of what we think people think of us.
So many of us don't date the person we want
to date. We don't try the thing we want to try,
We don't launch the thing we want to launch because
we're so worried of what we think other people think
of us. And this block, this fear not a failure,
(04:58):
but of the judgment that will get if we fail,
holds us back eternally. So here's how I want to
start excavating. As our quarter one check in today. The
first question is what is the most difficult judgment that
(05:19):
you're afraid of? I told you it was going to
be a tough one. I told you it's going to
be uncomfortable, right. I told you I was going to
challenge you today. What is the most difficult judgment you
are afraid of?
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Right? What's that thing that you're like?
Speaker 1 (05:37):
I don't want people to think that about me, right,
I don't want to think that about myself. But what
is the thing that you think. I don't want people
to think that about me. That's why I'm not doing X, Y,
Z or Z Right. What is the most difficult judgment
you're afraid of facing that's blocking you from living your
(06:00):
best life, that's made this quarter slower, less productive, less
effective than you want it to be. Now, this is
a really interesting one because we all don't like being judged,
and that totally makes sense, right, that none of us
want to be judged. But this is really more about
the idea of we're scared of a judgment that we
(06:22):
haven't received yet, because we're predicting that if we take
a certain step or action that we might get that.
We're scared that if we upload that video, our friends
will think we're losers. We're scared that if we announce
our new plans, our friends will say they're not possible.
We're scared that if we tell everyone who are dating,
(06:43):
they may not approve. We're scared that if we really
tell everyone the truth about what we want to do
and what we're focused on, people will laugh at us.
What is that most difficult judgment you are afraid of facing?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
What is it?
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Second, Who would you be if you didn't worry what
people think about you? How many of you think or
overthink how you laugh? How many of you overthink how
you cry? How many of you overthink how you behave
in social settings and then just limit yourself and then
act even more stupid?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Right? How many of you feel that way?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
You're trying to avoid acting in a way that you
judge yourself for, but then you actually end up acting worse.
Who would you be if you didn't worry what people
think about you? Who would you allow yourself to be?
Who would you allow yourself to express yourself as? What talent?
(07:43):
What habit are you holding back on? Who are you
scared of being? Would you be kinder? Would you be
more loving? Would you be more empathetic? Would you be
more bold? Would you be more courageous?
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Who would you be?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
And then third question is what would you do if
you didn't worry about what people think of you? What
would you do differently? What changes would you make to
the way you act and behave into your life?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
It's really interesting.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
When I studied the Vedic literatures during my time as
a monk, they talked about how we develop our identity
based on three key things, and they are positions, possessions,
and people. Right, our identity has become about positions, possessions,
(08:40):
and people. Let me break it down and give you
an example. Position i am a CEO, i am an author,
I'm a podcast, I'm an influencer, whatever it may be. Position,
second possession, I'm a homeowner. Right, I'm a car owner,
I'm a pet, a possession, and then people, I'm married,
(09:05):
I'm a fiance, I'm divorced. All of our identities are
based on positions, possessions, and people. And that's why when
we go through transitions in those areas, we're always intrigued
to see what people think of us. Right, you get
promoted to another position, you wonder whateverone thinks. You get
(09:28):
demoted or lose a job, you wonder whatever one thinks. Possession,
You get your first home, what does everyone think? You
are still paying rent and feeling judged for it? What
does everyone think?
Speaker 2 (09:42):
People?
Speaker 1 (09:43):
You get married and you think, what is everyon think?
You get divorced and you think, what does everon think?
So not only are we constantly wondering about what people
think of us, our identity is also wrapped up in
things that are based on what people think of us.
And we rare barely ever ask ourselves what do I
think of myself? Even right now, you might be thinking,
(10:06):
oh gosh, what's everyone thinking of what I've achieved this
first quarter? I came out swinging. Maybe I over announced
my New Year's resolutions. Maybe I haven't hit that goal
of weight gain or weight loss, or maybe I haven't
hit that goal of I said I was going to
post one video a day, like oh no, And now
my friends are laughing at me. I told them I
was going to do this, and I haven't. So many
(10:28):
of us and our reflections are actually just over analyzing
what we think others think of us. It's not really
based on how we want to focus, how we want
to refocus, what we want to build. There's a great
page that I love in the book The Daily Laws
by Robert Green, And in that book, on page forty one,
(10:52):
he writes, become who you are. Some two six hundred
years ago, the ancient Greek poet Pindar wrote, become who
you are by learning who you are. What he meant
is the following. You were born with a particular makeup
and tendencies that mark you as a piece of fate.
(11:13):
It is who you are to the core. Some people
never become who they are. They stop trusting in themselves,
they conform to the tastes of others, and they end
up wearing a mask that hides their true nature. And
His Daily Law from Robert Green says, if you allow
yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention
(11:34):
to that voice and force within you, then you can
become what you were fated to become, an individual, a master.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Right. First of all, Wow, if you haven't read the
book The Daily Lord's I love it. It's a great daily
book to read and becoming who you are. I'm more
interested in you becoming who you are than I am
in any of the goals that you set. Reason I
say that to you is because I really believe that
if you're closer to becoming who you are, everything else
will follow through. The problem is, we're becoming who they
(12:08):
want us to be, or we're becoming who we think
they think we want us to be, and that means
we believe they're thinking about us in the first place.
How many times a day do you sit there and
think about what everyone else should do with their life? Genuinely,
how often do you think about that how often do
you sit there and go, I know what so and
so should do with their life. I'm guessing never or
(12:32):
one percent of the time. That's exactly how much they're
thinking about you.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
How many of you?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
How much time do you spend every day thinking I
know whether that person should quit their career or not,
or I'm not sure they should do that or not. Well,
maybe there's a ten percent of your conversation, but that's it.
If you're only spending ten percent of your time thinking
about others, that's how much time people are spending thinking
about you. But we think it's a lot more. We
(12:59):
almost think that everyone's always constantly thinking about us. Every
Instagram story they post, every Instagram real they post, every
quote they put up, every message on the group chat
is all about us. We are constantly self reflecting and
self projecting everything that we come across, right all the time.
(13:24):
And it's so fascinating to me that this happens again
and again and again, and we rarely stop to ask ourselves,
what do I think about myself? Who am I, what
is important to me this year? And what is blocking
me this year? And that's where I want you to start.
That's where I want you to focus on. Now, some
(13:49):
of you may remember this, but Jamie on the Man
Enough podcast with Justin Bodoni a few years ago, now
this was quite a while ago, asked me what did
I use to value that I don't value anymore? And
you can see me really think about this on the episode,
and I stumble trying to figure out what's true to
(14:11):
me in that moment, and I say, being misunderstood. I said,
I don't value being understood anymore. I'm okay being misunderstood.
And that is a work in progress. It's not a
place that I've reached. It's something you're constantly working on.
But the reason I said that, and where it comes from,
is that I've realized that all of us are a paradox.
(14:35):
Take this in really really clearly, You me, everyone we
know is a paradox.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
And the reason.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Why we struggle with ourselves is because we try to
deny fifty percent or more of who we are.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
So, a paradox is something that seemingly absord word or contradictory.
And what I'm saying is that all of us have
contradictions in who we are, in how we are and
how we behave right, someone could meet you one day
and say you're the nicest person in the world, and
someone else could meet you another day and say, I'm
not so sure about them. Someone could say you're the kindest,
(15:18):
and someone could say you're the most courageous. You might
say that you're really an introvert, but everyone else thinks
you're an extrovert. We're all paradoxical and what limits us.
The reason I'm bringing this up as a quarter one
check in is because one of the ways in which
we hold ourselves back is we try and say we're
(15:38):
only one thing, and that doesn't allow us. What that
does is it blocks creativity, It blocks energy, It blocks
frequency and vibration that otherwise we could unlock if we
gave ourselves permission to be all of ourselves. It's almost
like today we feel everything is black and white, right,
(16:00):
everything's polarized because we're not able to get into the nuance.
We're not able to get into the gray. How are
you gray? How are you paradoxical? What is it about
you that you keep pushing down?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Right?
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It may be a skill set, maybe a belief and
you're like, no, no, no, I don't want to be that.
I'm just this one thing right, what is that for you?
I remember for me it was for years I was like, no,
I've been a monk. That's what I am, that's who
I am, and I'm not allowed to be a media personality.
I'm not allowed to be other things. And I've realized
that I want to embrace all of who I am.
(16:36):
I want to embrace every skill I have. I want
to embrace all the talents, all the passions that I have.
And that's allowed me to unlock living a better life.
And I wonder, what is it that you have blocked?
What part of yourself are you blocking, restricting, limiting that's
not allowing you to live at that level. There's a
(16:56):
beautiful verse in The Bug with Geita, the book that
I studied you my time is a monk that says
attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Let me say that again.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.
Notice how we all oscillate between attachment and a version.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
This is who I am. I'm attached, That's not who
I am. I'm a verse.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
And we find that it's the same energy right when
you're holding something close or pushing something away. It's the
same level of energy, whereas when you're able to accept, Hey,
maybe I'm a bit of both. Maybe that's okay. Maybe
I'm playful and profound. Maybe I'm assertive and affectioner. Maybe
I'm organized and totally goofy.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
We often want people to be one thing, and we
want to be one thing when we're all more than
one thing. What part of yourself have you been blocking?
What part of yourself have you been limiting because of
that mindset? I also want to flip this one. Who
is someone in your life you have a very black
(18:08):
and white view of Could you look at them differently?
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Maybe?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Do you recognize that they're paradoxical just as you are.
There are parts of them that exist even if you
never perceive them. It's so easy for us. We're lost
in a world right now that's all about left and right,
black and white, right and wrong, this and that. And
the truth is there's so much nuance, there's so much gray.
(18:34):
I do this one exercise sometimes with a client, and
we'll be walking down a path and I'll ask them
to focus on something or find some shrubs, some stone,
whatever it is that kind of stands out to them
that's unique and different, something that they wouldn't be familiar with.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
And I remember this one client.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
He picked something on the path and I asked him
before he picked it up, I said, tell me what
you think it's like.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
And he said, it looks really.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Rough, hard and harsh. I said, okay, great, pick it up.
He picked it up and half of it dissolved in
his hand. It was completely soft, almost like ash. Then
when he turned it over the other side was really smooth.
And I said to him, this is the story of us,
and this is the story of everyone in our lives.
(19:27):
We have a judgment, we have a perception, we have
an opinion, we have an assumption. Often we never even
take the moment to experience that individual, to really try
and understand them. We just assume that our opinion, our projection,
our prediction, our judgment must be right.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Now.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Even when we try to hold when we try to
come across that person, we may still hold on to
our assumptions. But actually, if we open up, we recognize
that they're a lot more They're a lot more layered,
they're a lot more textured than we thought. And the
same is true for ourselves. We're so much more than
(20:09):
who we think we are, and that's why we're meant
for more. We're made for more. We're built for more.
We're created for more. But we keep focusing on less.
We keep thinking we deserve less. We keep thinking we're
made for less. We keep thinking that we're built for less.
We keep settling for less and less and less, not
realizing we're made for and meant for so much more
(20:32):
that we set ourselves up for. What parts of yourself
have you been hiding? What parts of yourself have you
been limiting in quarter one? What parts of yourself have
you been restricting? And what parts of others have you
been limiting as well?
Speaker 2 (20:50):
The degree to.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Which we can't accept our own paradoxical nature, it becomes
harder to accept others. That's just the reality that we face.
It's just what we're going through. It's just the challenge
we experience now. Finally, I want to focus on a
bit of strategy. I want to ask you three questions.
(21:13):
What do you need to add to your life in
quarter two to get it in the right direction. What's
the one thing you can shift? Is it your sleep routine?
Is your workout routine? Is it protein in your diet,
whatever it is. What is that one thing you need
to shift and add to your life?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Just one thing? Nine million things, just one thing.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
What's the one thing you need to add to improve
your life? A lot of us try and do too
many things at the same time. A lot of us go, well,
I failed already, it's all over. I can't do all
of that. I'm just going to do none of it.
What's the one thing you need to add to quarter
two to make twenty twenty four a great year? By
(22:02):
the same token, what's one thing you need to stop doing.
What's one thing you need to let go of? Could
be socializing on a Monday night. It could be you know,
saying yes or no to something a little bit more.
What is it that is holding you back and that
you need to let go of? One thing that you
(22:23):
need to leave behind in this quarter? Just one thing.
What is that one thing that you're going to leave behind.
What's one thing you're gonna add and what's one thing
you're gonna minus? It's basic math? And then what's one
thing that you're going to multiply. What's something that you've
been doing that you're going to keep doing that you're
(22:43):
going to do more of what's one thing that's working
for you that you know if you multiply it, it
could transform everything. Now, I've asked you some tough questions today.
I've asked you some difficult reflections today. I've asked you
some challenge things today. And I did that because I
(23:05):
really want to mold, to help mold your mindset. I
realized so many blocks that we perceive outside of ourselves
are really in our mind. There's a belief system shift required,
there's a inherent pattern of thinking that we've developed that's
(23:26):
holding us back that needs to be shifted. And often
I find that we're trying to solve these external problems,
not realizing that so many of them simply exist in
our minds. And I think for me, what's so fascinating
(23:52):
is that I want to get to a point where
we don't keep living in this world where we're trying
to solve the problem outside of ourselves. I think it's
really really easy to constantly think like, oh, quarter one
(24:14):
is wrong because that came up, and that happened, and
this happened, and that happened and that. And I'm not
saying that we don't have valid excuses or reasons we
all do. But what I'm saying is that those are
rarely the things that help you shift or move. And
what really helps us move and shift for a lot
of us is high stakes. Are the stakes high enough?
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Right?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
When people hear that they're pre diabetic, they'll change their diet.
When people hear that their partner maybe wants to break up, divorce,
or leave them, they may get more organized. Are the
stakes high enough in your life? And stakes and stress
are different, right? Stakes are something you set. Stress is
(25:00):
something that comes off its own accord. Notice the difference
between stakes and stress. I don't want you to stress
yourself out, but I want you to raise the steaks.
I want you to raise the steaks in your life.
If you were meant to be going after ten leads,
go after one hundred. If you were meant to make
you know, one video a day because that's what you
(25:22):
committed to, what are the stakes of Why you can't
miss that video?
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Who's expecting it? Who needs it?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
We need to raise our steaks, not raise our stress.
Often we add more work to our plate, and I'm
not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to
add more worth to your work. Right, Raising your stakes
means you're adding worth to your work. Adding stress means
you're just adding work to your work. Raise your steaks
(25:54):
in quarter two, reduce your stress in quarter two. Thank
you so much for listening to On Purpose. Make sure
you leave a review, Pass this episode onto a friend
who needs it. Listen to it with a friend. Thank
you so much. Remember I'm forever in your corner and
I'm always rooting for you.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Thanks for listening.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with
doctor Daniel Ahman on how to change your life by
changing your brain. If we want a healthy mind, it
actually starts with a healthy brain.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to
scam over
Speaker 1 (26:33):
A thousand convicted felons and over one hundred murderers, and
their brains are very damage
Host
Jay Shetty
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