November 14, 2025 • 26 mins
What truth about the relationship have you been ignoring?
What makes that truth hard for you to accept?
Today, Jay opens up about one of the hardest things we go through, trying to get over someone we once loved. He reminds us that healing isn’t about pretending we’re okay or trying to move on too quickly. It’s about realizing that what we often miss isn’t the person themselves, but how we felt when we were with them: seen, loved, and alive. Jay gently walks us through why breakups hurt so deeply, how our minds are built for connection, and why finding closure really starts with reconnecting to ourselves.
Jay also shares how to stop replaying the past and start finding your rhythm again. He reminds us that healing isn’t about erasing the love, it’s about learning from it. You don’t need to have it all figured out today, you just need to take one small step back toward yourself. Because the real journey after a breakup isn’t about getting over someone else, it’s about remembering who you were before them, and discovering who you’re becoming next.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Stop Romanticizing the Past
How to Let Go When You Still Miss Them
How to Rebuild Your Life After a Breakup
How to Move On Without Losing Yourself
How to Remember You Were Enough All Along
You are not broken for still feeling; you are human for still caring. One day, the memories that hurt will simply remind you of how far you’ve come. Keep showing up for yourself, because the love you’re searching for begins with you.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:53 The Heartbreak After the Breakup
01:24 What to Do When You Can't Get Over Your Ex
05:07 Why Do Breakups Hurt So Bad?
07:52 The Stories You Replay Are Keeping You Stuck
08:39 Myth #1: Time Doesn’t Heal Everything
10:16 Myth #2: Why Closure Isn’t the Answer
13:12 Myth #3: Moving On Doesn’t Mean You Didn’t Care
15:12 Myth #4: Why Getting Back Together Won’t Fix It
17:26 Step #1: The First Step to Real Healing
19:12 Step #2: It’s Okay Not to Be Okay!
20:05 Step #3: Rebuild the Rituals That Ground You
21:14 Step #4: Ask Better Questions to Help You Grow
22:37 Step #5: Turn Your Pain Into Purpose
24:02 What to Do When You Fall Back
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Healing starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person,
and you focus on how you can give yourself that
feeling without that person, How you can create that emotion
and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person,
that you can find that connection with yourself and others
(00:22):
without that person. When you think that that person is
more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will
never be able to let go. The number one health
and wellness podcast, Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy shet. Hey everyone,
(00:42):
welcome back to On Purpose. It's Jay Sheddy, your host.
If you haven't subscribed yet, please do. It will mean
the world to me and make sure you never miss
out on an upload. If you've recently gone through a breakup,
or you've been through a breakup, maybe even a couple
of years ago, but it's still affects to This video
is for you. So many people I know right now
(01:04):
have been dumped, broken up with, disconnected and it started
to affect their self esteem. If you've ever questioned your
value after a breakup, if you've ever questioned whether you're
worthy of love, if you've ever questioned whether you'll ever
find love, don't skip this video. I want to start
off by talking to you about what you actually miss,
(01:26):
because I'm sure your mind is coming up with all
sorts of things, like you miss the text in the morning,
you miss the conversation before you went to bed, you
miss the dates you went out on. And it's really
interesting because when you're focusing on everything you miss, you
actually miss that. You have forgotten all the bad times
right You miss the moments that they treated you badly.
(01:50):
And I don't mean you missed them like you on
them back. You miss them as in you completely forget
they existed. But here's the real thing you miss. You
don't miss them, you miss who you thought you'd be
with them. It's one of the hardest truths to face
that you can love someone deeply, lose them, and still
feel stuck. Long after the story ends. You tell yourself,
(02:14):
I should be over this by now, but the memories
still show up, the song, the scent, the old photo,
and suddenly you're right back there again. Today, I want
to talk about what to do when you just can't
get over your ex not from judgment, but from understanding,
because what you're feeling isn't weakness, it's actually wiring. Let's
(02:39):
get into it. I want to start by talking to
you about why you can't let go, because I'm sure
you've experienced it, whether you're scrolling through their social media,
whether you're checking in with a friend of a friend
who still knows that person, whether you still walk past
their workplace just to see how they are, what's going on,
whether you're someone who just can't stop looking at your
(03:00):
old pictures with them, your old memories. When we fall
in love, our brains release dopamine and oxytocin, the same
chemicals tied to addiction. That's why a breakup doesn't just
hurt emotionally. It hurts physically. You're in a withdrawal from
a person. But what really keeps you stuck isn't just
(03:21):
the chemistry. Its identity. For months or years, you weren't
just you. You were us. Your plans, routines, even your
sense of self were intertwined with theirs. It was never
about you, It was about both of you. It was
never just about you, It was about us. It was
(03:42):
never just about you. It was about we. So when
they leave, it doesn't just feel like losing a person.
It feels like losing your reflection. You start chasing closure,
but what you really want is a confirmation that you mattered,
that that version of you feels still alive. But without them,
(04:05):
you've almost mirrored so many of their chemicals that that
part of you that chases that, that wants that still exists,
but the relationship doesn't exist anymore. Maybe you replay every conversation,
every choice, searching for the moment it could have gone differently.
I know so many people who think back and say, no,
(04:25):
it was this moment. It was the moment that I
started to carve out time for myself. You know what.
It was this moment when I told them I didn't
like it when they did that. That was the moment
I pushed them away. You know. It was the moment
where I talked to them about their ex girlfriend that
made me feel insecure. That was the moment they walked away.
You start creating stories, You start creating reasons, You start
(04:50):
creating meaning that actually doesn't exist, that you have no
fact to validate from or verify from. That's not healing.
That's your mind trying to rewrite a story that it
doesn't want to end. Here's the truth about breakups. We
don't get addicted to people. We get addicted to how
(05:11):
we felt around them, how we felt wanted, seen, and chosen,
and now that they're gone, your brain is chasing that feeling,
not the person. It's fascinating that we think we're chasing
the person back, but really we're chasing the feeling back.
And that's why it's so important to go and find
something else that gives you that feeling from yourself, your friends, community, connection,
(05:37):
because that feeling is something that should belong to you.
Being seen is beautiful, being wanted is beautiful, Being chosen
is beautiful. But if it's dependent on one person and
one person alone, that isn't any longer there. Then that
isn't your person. If you want to start letting go
after a breakup, ask yourself, what part of me felt
(05:59):
most alive even that relationship, and how can I give
that back to myself? Now, that's where healing starts. Healing
starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person,
and you focus on how you can give yourself that
feeling without that person, How you can create that emotion
(06:20):
and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person,
That you can find that connection with yourself and others
without that person. When you think that that person is
more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will
never be able to let go That emotion is something
(06:42):
you experienced, It's something that came through you and out
of you. It still exists within you. You just have
to find the right spark to rediscover it. You just
have to reconnect with that part of you that felt
so alive, that felt so connected, because it's already with
you as yours. You felt it, you felt it. One
(07:03):
thing we mistake is we think other people make us
feel things. No, other people push buttons, and we feel
what's inside of us. There's an amazing example from Wayne
Dyer where he said, if you squeeze an orange, what
comes out orange juice. You don't squeeze an orange and
lemon juice comes out. What comes out is what's already
within So if someone squeezes you, either in a stressful
(07:27):
way or a positive way, what comes out was what
was already within you. When you acknowledge that people only
bring out of you what exists within you, you say, oh,
you brought this out of me. You bring the best
out of me. That's because it's yours. Don't forget that.
Whatever you love to experience with someone else came from
(07:49):
within you, and it's still accessible. Part two, The myths
that keep you stuck. I think it's so interesting when
I was talking about the idea of writing stories. We
create the story narrative forgetting all the bad things that happened. Right,
someone breaks up with you, and now you're only thinking
about the good times. You're only thinking about the positive memories.
(08:09):
You're forgetting the arguments, you're forgetting the mistakes because now
you're just like I would do anything to have that
person back, because that's the story that makes me feel safe.
And this is a really important part. Your brain is
not working against you. It's trying to make you feel safe.
And because it's trying to make you feel safe, it
wants you to feel comfortable, and so it reminds you
of all the comfortable things so that you're willing to
(08:31):
even tolerate all the negative things all over again. So
let's talk about the stories that keep us trapped. Here's
myth Number one. Time heals everything. Time doesn't heal everything.
Healing happens when you stop waiting to feel nothing and
(08:51):
start learning to live with what still hurts. Time doesn't
erase the memories. It just teaches you how to marry
them differently. Time doesn't make the pain vanish. It just
helps you stop letting it control your day. And Time
doesn't fix the past, it helps you stop trying to
relive it. Time doesn't bring closure alone. It gives you
(09:15):
space to create your own. Time doesn't make you forget them.
It helps you remember yourself. Time doesn't remove the ache.
It reminds you that pain and progress can coexist. When
we keep repeating things like time heals all wounds, and
you hear it from other people, it will just take time.
(09:36):
That's not necessarily true, because it's what you do with
that time. It's how you repeat within that time. Now,
there is a reality that the further you get away
from something, the less hold it has on you. But
if you're immersed in that relationship every day, it still
feels like it has a hold on you. So what
you have to do is think about the hooks in
(09:56):
your time. Scrolling their social media, looking at past pictures,
checking in on what they're up to. All of those
things are like hooks that keep you held and imprisoned
by that relationship. Time can't do anything if the way
you spend your time is completely fixated on them. Myth
(10:17):
number two, I just need closure. We all think that
if they gave us a perfect explanation, we'd feel satisfied,
when the reality is even if someone gave you the
perfect explanation, you'd find another thing with it that you
don't agree with. Closure is realizing you may never get
the apology, but you're done waiting for it. Closure is
(10:41):
accepting that some chapters end without explanations and that's still
an ending. Closure is choosing peace over answers. It's when
you stop trying to understand why it happened and start
focusing on what it taught you. Closure is knowing you
did what you could and it's not your job to
carry both your pain and their growth. I think closure
(11:05):
is one of those misleading pursuits, and really what the
mind is trying to do is that the mind is
focused and wired to want to complete unfinished tasks. The
mind doesn't love incompleteness. What it doesn't understand is that
completeness rarely is filled by someone else. I remember coaching
(11:29):
someone who just wanted this person to give them an answer.
That person gave them an answer, They send them along
email and then the person said, well what about this, this,
and this. You didn't raise this. That person replied again
through text messages, and the person said, well what about this, this, this,
and this, And that process continues because what you're really
saying is I just don't feel valued, I don't feel
seen anymore. I just want you back. That's what you're saying.
(11:52):
You're not really asking for an explanation because there is
no explanation to satisfy you, because the only person who
can satisfy you use yourself in that moment by recognizing
that whatever the explanation it may be, what's worrying me
is not what they think of me. What worries me
is what I think of myself. What you're worried about
(12:16):
is not what other people think of you. You're worried
that what they think of you might be true. It
might be what you think about yourself. That's what worries you.
You're concerned that what someone sees in you actually might exist.
But when you start focusing on that, on growing yourself,
(12:37):
healing yourself, working through that, that's what gives you closure.
That's what gives you confidence. Number three, If I move on,
(13:02):
it means I never cared. So many of us think, Oh,
if I move on, it means that wasn't real. If
they move on, it means that wasn't real. That's not true.
Something can be real and you can move on, or
they can move on. Something can be real for a
period of time. Is it real that trees have leaves? Yes,
but in the fall they let them go. Does that
(13:24):
mean it wasn't real? No, of course not. You would
never say that it was real for that season. Something
can be real for a season and not real for
the next. A relationship can be good for you for
four years and not for the next. A connection can
be powerful for you for a certain amount of time
(13:46):
and not for the next. When you force it to
be relevant, relatable, right for you, you actually are going
against the grain of nature. Moving on doesn't mean that
love wasn't real. It means you've learned what it came
to teach you. If someone moves on, it doesn't mean
that their feelings for you weren't real. It just means
(14:08):
they had a deadline. It just means they had a timeline,
and it means they had an end. Now you'd say, well, then,
how do I ever know anyone has feelings for me
that are real because the person that you have feelings
for that are real and the person that has them
for you is someone who waters them every day. A
student once came to the Buddha and asked, what is
(14:31):
the difference between I like you and I love you?
And the Buddha replied, when you like a flower, you
simply pluck it, but when you love a flower, you
water it every day. Real feelings are feelings that people
invest in every day. A real love is a love
(14:51):
that isn't decided on on a wedding day or an
engagement or an anniversary. It's one that shows up every
single day. Number four, If they came back, it would
finally work. How many of you have ever said this
this time? If they came back, I would change, I
would mold myself. I won't complain anymore, I won't raise issues.
(15:12):
But let's be honest, you've raised those issues because it
wasn't good. There was their behavior or an interaction that
didn't sit right with you. Now, all of a sudden,
you're going to just let that go. All of a sudden,
you're going to say, I'm never ever going to have
an issue with bad behavior ever, again, Is that the
kind of love you want? Is that the kind of
love you want to receive one that you don't get
(15:33):
to share what you feel? Is it love if you
can't be honest with them? Is it love if you
can't express your emotions without feeling fearful? Is it love
if you can't express how you feel without them feeling uncomfortable?
(15:55):
How can it be love if you can't share express
your feelings and emotions without feeling like they may react.
Here's the truth. You don't miss them, You miss hope.
But hope without change is just another heartbreak waiting to happen.
(16:16):
When you stop feeding these myths, you stop feeding the
illusion that keeps you stuck. We keep creating these illusions,
illusory versions of life, not realizing that yet they'll come back. Yes,
for a month, you won't say anything, and in a
month you will be upset about their behavior again. In
a month you will be irritated. And then when you
(16:37):
raise it, they'll say, wait a minute, I thought you
were never going to raise this again, and you'll say, yeah,
I didn't want to, but it's a big deal to me.
The reason that you broke up in the first place
is that there's something deeply rooted that disconnects you. You
didn't break up over nothing. Don't invite drama back into
your life long term because you think that person will
(16:59):
make you feel peaceful. Short term, you'll invite someone who
caused you pain back into your life because you don't
want to deal with the pain of losing them in
the short term. You don't want to do that. Part three,
How to actually heal. Here's where we go from understanding
(17:20):
to action. The first step is stop feeding the fantasy.
You can't heal if you're still romanticizing the highlight reel,
block the breadcrumbs, social media, old photo playlists. The saying
out of sight, out of mind couldn't be more true.
You're not being dramatic. You're protecting your recovery. How do
(17:43):
you stop the story? You stop the story by looking
at both storylines right If you only look at the
storyline you're feeling right now, and you ignore the storyline
you felt a couple of months ago, you're not looking
at the full picture. Look at the full picture right now.
Every reason why you actually saw you weren't right for
(18:04):
each other, not why they're a bad person, but why
you weren't right for each other because you had enough
of those signs. Sometimes the reason you're upset that someone
broke up with you is because you wanted to break
up with them first. You wanted to be the person
who ended things, but you were scared of doing that.
And now you're living on the opposite end with they've
(18:26):
broken up with you when you were the one who
knew it wasn't going in the right direction. But again,
it was fear that kept you in the wrong relationship,
and now it's fear that will make you go back
to the wrong relationship. Fear keeps us in the wrong relationships,
and it makes us pursue the bad relationships all over again.
(18:49):
You're not being dramatic when you disconnect from their social media,
when you stop checking in what they're up to, when
you stop making them a part of your life, it
allows you to true start processing and not keep creating
these stories. Number two, feel without dramatizing. You don't have
to pretend you're fine. Grief is actually healthy. What's unhealthy
(19:13):
is making it your identity. Sit with the sadness, but
don't pitch a tent there. Try this journaling prompt. What
did this relationship teach me about my needs, not my worth.
After a breakup, the biggest mistake we make is we
think that what happened is a reflection of our worth,
(19:37):
not a reflection of our needs. When you reflect something
onto your worth, you just feel worse. When you recognize
something is teaching you about your needs, you're actually able
to move forward and recognize what you want in the future.
Number three, rebuild your rituals. Heartbreak steels structure, healing gives
(19:59):
it back. Start creating new anchors morning walks, gym sessions, therapy,
dinner with friends. What happens is your brain had a
rhythm of life with that person. The morning text, the
evening call, the date night on the weekend. Your brain
had found a new rhythm that had replaced your old rhythm.
(20:22):
Remember you were single before this person. You had a
rhythm before this person. So what do you do. You've
got to create a new rhythm, and the new rhythm
has to tap into the moments where you feel the
most triggered. If you can identify the three times in
your day or you're most affected by this breakup and
(20:44):
recognize that those are the moments you want to give
yourself the most care, the most connection, the most being
with other people the most ability. Do not fall into
that trap of revisiting the past. That's what you want
to focus on. Shift the question. Instead of asking why
didn't it work? Ask to what version of me was
(21:08):
I becoming while trying to make it work? If you
were becoming a better version of yourself, how can you
continue to do that? And if you were becoming a
lesser version of yourself? How do you use that? To
remind yourself that you don't want to go back there
asking yourself why it didn't work. There'll be a million answers,
(21:28):
and there'll be so many from them on your side,
But the truth is it didn't work because they didn't
want to make it work. And when one person doesn't
want to make it work, it doesn't work just because
you do. A healthy relationship is where both people want
to make it work. You don't want to be in
a relationship with someone who doesn't want to make it
(21:51):
work with you, because it's never going to work just
because one person wants it to work. A relationship only
works when both people work on it together and want
it to work. That is a definition of a healthy
long term relationship. Both people are committed to making it work.
There is no such thing as the right person. There's
(22:14):
only the person who's willing to show up to try
and make things right. When you both want to do that,
the relationship is in working order. And number five, let
pain become purpose. You're not meant to erase your story.
You're meant to evolve through it. Every heartbreak can either
harden you or humanize you. The difference is whether you
(22:37):
learn or linger. What I find for so many people
is that when you're in the moment where your heart's
been broken, you can't believe it ever being glued back together.
And what's incredible is that anyone that I've coached through
that time, when they finally find love again, which happens
(22:58):
every time, they completely forget that ever existed. You don't
have to be hopeful right now. You don't have to
believe right now. All you have to do is practice
putting your heart back together and creating purpose to move forward,
meaning to move forward. There's a beautiful practice called kitsugi.
(23:19):
It's the idea that when something breaks, it's rebuilt through
this beautiful gold. And you may see items of pots
of clay, of plates that are broken and now you
can see the cracks where the cracks of gold. That's
what each and every one of us are when our
hearts are broken. But knowing that those wounds only make
(23:41):
you better for the future. They only make you aware
of what you're looking for. They only make you prepared
for the future. Part four. Here's what to do when
you slip back. It is guaranteed that you will slip back.
Recovering from a breakup is moving three steps forward and
two steps back, feeling like you're healing, and then crying
(24:02):
like you're back to day one. It's experiencing growth and
then feeling grief. Healing isn't linear. You might feel strong
for weeks, then suddenly you see their name and everything
floods back. That doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're
human when that happens. Here's what I want you to remember.
(24:26):
Missing someone doesn't mean you're meant for them. It just
means they occupied a meaningful chapter of your life and
your heart hasn't caught up to the ending yet. If
you're going through a breakup, do this. Instead of texting them,
text a friend, instead of rereading your old messages, start
creating new connections instead. Of asking do they miss me?
(24:50):
Ask am I proud of who I'm becoming? Because getting
over someone isn't about forgetting them, It's about remembering you.
There was a you before this relationship, there was a
you during this relationship, and there is a you after
this relationship. It is the most important relationship you will
ever commit to. Don't ignore it because you felt that
(25:14):
you are only in existence with this other individual. You
existed before you will always exist without them. I want
to leave you with some closing words. Sometimes the hardest
part isn't letting go of them, it's letting go of
the future you built with them in your mind. The
healing starts the moment you stop asking why did they
(25:36):
leave and start asking what is this pain trying to
teach me? So, if you're in that place, still missing them,
still aching, take a deep breath. Breathe in acceptance, breathe
out attachment. You're not weak for still feeling, You're strong
(25:56):
for still showing up. You're not behind in your healing.
You're right on time for your transformation. You don't have
to get over them today. You just have to focus
on getting back to you. Thank you so much for listening.
I hope this episode helps you in your healing journey.
Please share it with a friend who's going through a really,
(26:17):
really difficult time, and I promise you this will be
the launch pad of a beautiful love story for you.
Remember on forever in your corner. I'm always rooting for you,
and thank you for joining me here on on purpose.
If you love this episode, you're going to love my
conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
ex and find true love in your relationships. People should
(26:38):
be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your
future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future
self is doing something that gives him or her a
shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
Healing starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person,
and you focus on how you can give yourself that
feeling without that person, How you can create that emotion
and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person,
that you can find that connection with yourself and others
(00:22):
without that person. When you think that that person is
more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will
never be able to let go. The number one health
and wellness podcast, Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy shet. Hey everyone,
(00:42):
welcome back to On Purpose. It's Jay Sheddy, your host.
If you haven't subscribed yet, please do. It will mean
the world to me and make sure you never miss
out on an upload. If you've recently gone through a breakup,
or you've been through a breakup, maybe even a couple
of years ago, but it's still affects to This video
is for you. So many people I know right now
(01:04):
have been dumped, broken up with, disconnected and it started
to affect their self esteem. If you've ever questioned your
value after a breakup, if you've ever questioned whether you're
worthy of love, if you've ever questioned whether you'll ever
find love, don't skip this video. I want to start
off by talking to you about what you actually miss,
(01:26):
because I'm sure your mind is coming up with all
sorts of things, like you miss the text in the morning,
you miss the conversation before you went to bed, you
miss the dates you went out on. And it's really
interesting because when you're focusing on everything you miss, you
actually miss that. You have forgotten all the bad times
right You miss the moments that they treated you badly.
(01:50):
And I don't mean you missed them like you on
them back. You miss them as in you completely forget
they existed. But here's the real thing you miss. You
don't miss them, you miss who you thought you'd be
with them. It's one of the hardest truths to face
that you can love someone deeply, lose them, and still
feel stuck. Long after the story ends. You tell yourself,
(02:14):
I should be over this by now, but the memories
still show up, the song, the scent, the old photo,
and suddenly you're right back there again. Today, I want
to talk about what to do when you just can't
get over your ex not from judgment, but from understanding,
because what you're feeling isn't weakness, it's actually wiring. Let's
(02:39):
get into it. I want to start by talking to
you about why you can't let go, because I'm sure
you've experienced it, whether you're scrolling through their social media,
whether you're checking in with a friend of a friend
who still knows that person, whether you still walk past
their workplace just to see how they are, what's going on,
whether you're someone who just can't stop looking at your
(03:00):
old pictures with them, your old memories. When we fall
in love, our brains release dopamine and oxytocin, the same
chemicals tied to addiction. That's why a breakup doesn't just
hurt emotionally. It hurts physically. You're in a withdrawal from
a person. But what really keeps you stuck isn't just
(03:21):
the chemistry. Its identity. For months or years, you weren't
just you. You were us. Your plans, routines, even your
sense of self were intertwined with theirs. It was never
about you, It was about both of you. It was
never just about you, It was about us. It was
(03:42):
never just about you. It was about we. So when
they leave, it doesn't just feel like losing a person.
It feels like losing your reflection. You start chasing closure,
but what you really want is a confirmation that you mattered,
that that version of you feels still alive. But without them,
(04:05):
you've almost mirrored so many of their chemicals that that
part of you that chases that, that wants that still exists,
but the relationship doesn't exist anymore. Maybe you replay every conversation,
every choice, searching for the moment it could have gone differently.
I know so many people who think back and say, no,
(04:25):
it was this moment. It was the moment that I
started to carve out time for myself. You know what.
It was this moment when I told them I didn't
like it when they did that. That was the moment
I pushed them away. You know. It was the moment
where I talked to them about their ex girlfriend that
made me feel insecure. That was the moment they walked away.
You start creating stories, You start creating reasons, You start
(04:50):
creating meaning that actually doesn't exist, that you have no
fact to validate from or verify from. That's not healing.
That's your mind trying to rewrite a story that it
doesn't want to end. Here's the truth about breakups. We
don't get addicted to people. We get addicted to how
(05:11):
we felt around them, how we felt wanted, seen, and chosen,
and now that they're gone, your brain is chasing that feeling,
not the person. It's fascinating that we think we're chasing
the person back, but really we're chasing the feeling back.
And that's why it's so important to go and find
something else that gives you that feeling from yourself, your friends, community, connection,
(05:37):
because that feeling is something that should belong to you.
Being seen is beautiful, being wanted is beautiful, Being chosen
is beautiful. But if it's dependent on one person and
one person alone, that isn't any longer there. Then that
isn't your person. If you want to start letting go
after a breakup, ask yourself, what part of me felt
(05:59):
most alive even that relationship, and how can I give
that back to myself? Now, that's where healing starts. Healing
starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person,
and you focus on how you can give yourself that
feeling without that person, How you can create that emotion
(06:20):
and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person,
That you can find that connection with yourself and others
without that person. When you think that that person is
more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will
never be able to let go That emotion is something
(06:42):
you experienced, It's something that came through you and out
of you. It still exists within you. You just have
to find the right spark to rediscover it. You just
have to reconnect with that part of you that felt
so alive, that felt so connected, because it's already with
you as yours. You felt it, you felt it. One
(07:03):
thing we mistake is we think other people make us
feel things. No, other people push buttons, and we feel
what's inside of us. There's an amazing example from Wayne
Dyer where he said, if you squeeze an orange, what
comes out orange juice. You don't squeeze an orange and
lemon juice comes out. What comes out is what's already
within So if someone squeezes you, either in a stressful
(07:27):
way or a positive way, what comes out was what
was already within you. When you acknowledge that people only
bring out of you what exists within you, you say, oh,
you brought this out of me. You bring the best
out of me. That's because it's yours. Don't forget that.
Whatever you love to experience with someone else came from
(07:49):
within you, and it's still accessible. Part two, The myths
that keep you stuck. I think it's so interesting when
I was talking about the idea of writing stories. We
create the story narrative forgetting all the bad things that happened. Right,
someone breaks up with you, and now you're only thinking
about the good times. You're only thinking about the positive memories.
(08:09):
You're forgetting the arguments, you're forgetting the mistakes because now
you're just like I would do anything to have that
person back, because that's the story that makes me feel safe.
And this is a really important part. Your brain is
not working against you. It's trying to make you feel safe.
And because it's trying to make you feel safe, it
wants you to feel comfortable, and so it reminds you
of all the comfortable things so that you're willing to
(08:31):
even tolerate all the negative things all over again. So
let's talk about the stories that keep us trapped. Here's
myth Number one. Time heals everything. Time doesn't heal everything.
Healing happens when you stop waiting to feel nothing and
(08:51):
start learning to live with what still hurts. Time doesn't
erase the memories. It just teaches you how to marry
them differently. Time doesn't make the pain vanish. It just
helps you stop letting it control your day. And Time
doesn't fix the past, it helps you stop trying to
relive it. Time doesn't bring closure alone. It gives you
(09:15):
space to create your own. Time doesn't make you forget them.
It helps you remember yourself. Time doesn't remove the ache.
It reminds you that pain and progress can coexist. When
we keep repeating things like time heals all wounds, and
you hear it from other people, it will just take time.
(09:36):
That's not necessarily true, because it's what you do with
that time. It's how you repeat within that time. Now,
there is a reality that the further you get away
from something, the less hold it has on you. But
if you're immersed in that relationship every day, it still
feels like it has a hold on you. So what
you have to do is think about the hooks in
(09:56):
your time. Scrolling their social media, looking at past pictures,
checking in on what they're up to. All of those
things are like hooks that keep you held and imprisoned
by that relationship. Time can't do anything if the way
you spend your time is completely fixated on them. Myth
(10:17):
number two, I just need closure. We all think that
if they gave us a perfect explanation, we'd feel satisfied,
when the reality is even if someone gave you the
perfect explanation, you'd find another thing with it that you
don't agree with. Closure is realizing you may never get
the apology, but you're done waiting for it. Closure is
(10:41):
accepting that some chapters end without explanations and that's still
an ending. Closure is choosing peace over answers. It's when
you stop trying to understand why it happened and start
focusing on what it taught you. Closure is knowing you
did what you could and it's not your job to
carry both your pain and their growth. I think closure
(11:05):
is one of those misleading pursuits, and really what the
mind is trying to do is that the mind is
focused and wired to want to complete unfinished tasks. The
mind doesn't love incompleteness. What it doesn't understand is that
completeness rarely is filled by someone else. I remember coaching
(11:29):
someone who just wanted this person to give them an answer.
That person gave them an answer, They send them along
email and then the person said, well what about this, this,
and this. You didn't raise this. That person replied again
through text messages, and the person said, well what about this, this, this,
and this, And that process continues because what you're really
saying is I just don't feel valued, I don't feel
seen anymore. I just want you back. That's what you're saying.
(11:52):
You're not really asking for an explanation because there is
no explanation to satisfy you, because the only person who
can satisfy you use yourself in that moment by recognizing
that whatever the explanation it may be, what's worrying me
is not what they think of me. What worries me
is what I think of myself. What you're worried about
(12:16):
is not what other people think of you. You're worried
that what they think of you might be true. It
might be what you think about yourself. That's what worries you.
You're concerned that what someone sees in you actually might exist.
But when you start focusing on that, on growing yourself,
(12:37):
healing yourself, working through that, that's what gives you closure.
That's what gives you confidence. Number three, If I move on,
(13:02):
it means I never cared. So many of us think, Oh,
if I move on, it means that wasn't real. If
they move on, it means that wasn't real. That's not true.
Something can be real and you can move on, or
they can move on. Something can be real for a
period of time. Is it real that trees have leaves? Yes,
but in the fall they let them go. Does that
(13:24):
mean it wasn't real? No, of course not. You would
never say that it was real for that season. Something
can be real for a season and not real for
the next. A relationship can be good for you for
four years and not for the next. A connection can
be powerful for you for a certain amount of time
(13:46):
and not for the next. When you force it to
be relevant, relatable, right for you, you actually are going
against the grain of nature. Moving on doesn't mean that
love wasn't real. It means you've learned what it came
to teach you. If someone moves on, it doesn't mean
that their feelings for you weren't real. It just means
(14:08):
they had a deadline. It just means they had a timeline,
and it means they had an end. Now you'd say, well, then,
how do I ever know anyone has feelings for me
that are real because the person that you have feelings
for that are real and the person that has them
for you is someone who waters them every day. A
student once came to the Buddha and asked, what is
(14:31):
the difference between I like you and I love you?
And the Buddha replied, when you like a flower, you
simply pluck it, but when you love a flower, you
water it every day. Real feelings are feelings that people
invest in every day. A real love is a love
(14:51):
that isn't decided on on a wedding day or an
engagement or an anniversary. It's one that shows up every
single day. Number four, If they came back, it would
finally work. How many of you have ever said this
this time? If they came back, I would change, I
would mold myself. I won't complain anymore, I won't raise issues.
(15:12):
But let's be honest, you've raised those issues because it
wasn't good. There was their behavior or an interaction that
didn't sit right with you. Now, all of a sudden,
you're going to just let that go. All of a sudden,
you're going to say, I'm never ever going to have
an issue with bad behavior ever, again, Is that the
kind of love you want? Is that the kind of
love you want to receive one that you don't get
(15:33):
to share what you feel? Is it love if you
can't be honest with them? Is it love if you
can't express your emotions without feeling fearful? Is it love
if you can't express how you feel without them feeling uncomfortable?
(15:55):
How can it be love if you can't share express
your feelings and emotions without feeling like they may react.
Here's the truth. You don't miss them, You miss hope.
But hope without change is just another heartbreak waiting to happen.
(16:16):
When you stop feeding these myths, you stop feeding the
illusion that keeps you stuck. We keep creating these illusions,
illusory versions of life, not realizing that yet they'll come back. Yes,
for a month, you won't say anything, and in a
month you will be upset about their behavior again. In
a month you will be irritated. And then when you
(16:37):
raise it, they'll say, wait a minute, I thought you
were never going to raise this again, and you'll say, yeah,
I didn't want to, but it's a big deal to me.
The reason that you broke up in the first place
is that there's something deeply rooted that disconnects you. You
didn't break up over nothing. Don't invite drama back into
your life long term because you think that person will
(16:59):
make you feel peaceful. Short term, you'll invite someone who
caused you pain back into your life because you don't
want to deal with the pain of losing them in
the short term. You don't want to do that. Part three,
How to actually heal. Here's where we go from understanding
(17:20):
to action. The first step is stop feeding the fantasy.
You can't heal if you're still romanticizing the highlight reel,
block the breadcrumbs, social media, old photo playlists. The saying
out of sight, out of mind couldn't be more true.
You're not being dramatic. You're protecting your recovery. How do
(17:43):
you stop the story? You stop the story by looking
at both storylines right If you only look at the
storyline you're feeling right now, and you ignore the storyline
you felt a couple of months ago, you're not looking
at the full picture. Look at the full picture right now.
Every reason why you actually saw you weren't right for
(18:04):
each other, not why they're a bad person, but why
you weren't right for each other because you had enough
of those signs. Sometimes the reason you're upset that someone
broke up with you is because you wanted to break
up with them first. You wanted to be the person
who ended things, but you were scared of doing that.
And now you're living on the opposite end with they've
(18:26):
broken up with you when you were the one who
knew it wasn't going in the right direction. But again,
it was fear that kept you in the wrong relationship,
and now it's fear that will make you go back
to the wrong relationship. Fear keeps us in the wrong relationships,
and it makes us pursue the bad relationships all over again.
(18:49):
You're not being dramatic when you disconnect from their social media,
when you stop checking in what they're up to, when
you stop making them a part of your life, it
allows you to true start processing and not keep creating
these stories. Number two, feel without dramatizing. You don't have
to pretend you're fine. Grief is actually healthy. What's unhealthy
(19:13):
is making it your identity. Sit with the sadness, but
don't pitch a tent there. Try this journaling prompt. What
did this relationship teach me about my needs, not my worth.
After a breakup, the biggest mistake we make is we
think that what happened is a reflection of our worth,
(19:37):
not a reflection of our needs. When you reflect something
onto your worth, you just feel worse. When you recognize
something is teaching you about your needs, you're actually able
to move forward and recognize what you want in the future.
Number three, rebuild your rituals. Heartbreak steels structure, healing gives
(19:59):
it back. Start creating new anchors morning walks, gym sessions, therapy,
dinner with friends. What happens is your brain had a
rhythm of life with that person. The morning text, the
evening call, the date night on the weekend. Your brain
had found a new rhythm that had replaced your old rhythm.
(20:22):
Remember you were single before this person. You had a
rhythm before this person. So what do you do. You've
got to create a new rhythm, and the new rhythm
has to tap into the moments where you feel the
most triggered. If you can identify the three times in
your day or you're most affected by this breakup and
(20:44):
recognize that those are the moments you want to give
yourself the most care, the most connection, the most being
with other people the most ability. Do not fall into
that trap of revisiting the past. That's what you want
to focus on. Shift the question. Instead of asking why
didn't it work? Ask to what version of me was
(21:08):
I becoming while trying to make it work? If you
were becoming a better version of yourself, how can you
continue to do that? And if you were becoming a
lesser version of yourself? How do you use that? To
remind yourself that you don't want to go back there
asking yourself why it didn't work. There'll be a million answers,
(21:28):
and there'll be so many from them on your side,
But the truth is it didn't work because they didn't
want to make it work. And when one person doesn't
want to make it work, it doesn't work just because
you do. A healthy relationship is where both people want
to make it work. You don't want to be in
a relationship with someone who doesn't want to make it
(21:51):
work with you, because it's never going to work just
because one person wants it to work. A relationship only
works when both people work on it together and want
it to work. That is a definition of a healthy
long term relationship. Both people are committed to making it work.
There is no such thing as the right person. There's
(22:14):
only the person who's willing to show up to try
and make things right. When you both want to do that,
the relationship is in working order. And number five, let
pain become purpose. You're not meant to erase your story.
You're meant to evolve through it. Every heartbreak can either
harden you or humanize you. The difference is whether you
(22:37):
learn or linger. What I find for so many people
is that when you're in the moment where your heart's
been broken, you can't believe it ever being glued back together.
And what's incredible is that anyone that I've coached through
that time, when they finally find love again, which happens
(22:58):
every time, they completely forget that ever existed. You don't
have to be hopeful right now. You don't have to
believe right now. All you have to do is practice
putting your heart back together and creating purpose to move forward,
meaning to move forward. There's a beautiful practice called kitsugi.
(23:19):
It's the idea that when something breaks, it's rebuilt through
this beautiful gold. And you may see items of pots
of clay, of plates that are broken and now you
can see the cracks where the cracks of gold. That's
what each and every one of us are when our
hearts are broken. But knowing that those wounds only make
(23:41):
you better for the future. They only make you aware
of what you're looking for. They only make you prepared
for the future. Part four. Here's what to do when
you slip back. It is guaranteed that you will slip back.
Recovering from a breakup is moving three steps forward and
two steps back, feeling like you're healing, and then crying
(24:02):
like you're back to day one. It's experiencing growth and
then feeling grief. Healing isn't linear. You might feel strong
for weeks, then suddenly you see their name and everything
floods back. That doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're
human when that happens. Here's what I want you to remember.
(24:26):
Missing someone doesn't mean you're meant for them. It just
means they occupied a meaningful chapter of your life and
your heart hasn't caught up to the ending yet. If
you're going through a breakup, do this. Instead of texting them,
text a friend, instead of rereading your old messages, start
creating new connections instead. Of asking do they miss me?
(24:50):
Ask am I proud of who I'm becoming? Because getting
over someone isn't about forgetting them, It's about remembering you.
There was a you before this relationship, there was a
you during this relationship, and there is a you after
this relationship. It is the most important relationship you will
ever commit to. Don't ignore it because you felt that
(25:14):
you are only in existence with this other individual. You
existed before you will always exist without them. I want
to leave you with some closing words. Sometimes the hardest
part isn't letting go of them, it's letting go of
the future you built with them in your mind. The
healing starts the moment you stop asking why did they
(25:36):
leave and start asking what is this pain trying to
teach me? So, if you're in that place, still missing them,
still aching, take a deep breath. Breathe in acceptance, breathe
out attachment. You're not weak for still feeling, You're strong
(25:56):
for still showing up. You're not behind in your healing.
You're right on time for your transformation. You don't have
to get over them today. You just have to focus
on getting back to you. Thank you so much for listening.
I hope this episode helps you in your healing journey.
Please share it with a friend who's going through a really,
(26:17):
really difficult time, and I promise you this will be
the launch pad of a beautiful love story for you.
Remember on forever in your corner. I'm always rooting for you,
and thank you for joining me here on on purpose.
If you love this episode, you're going to love my
conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
ex and find true love in your relationships. People should
(26:38):
be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your
future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future
self is doing something that gives him or her a
shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
Host
Jay Shetty
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