Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I'm learning a love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel see, I know every part of me. It's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
And then will always out way if you feel.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
It with your hands. In here, She'll some love to
the vid. Why get there?
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Take you one day?
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Anita? Did you and die?
Speaker 4 (00:32):
Out way? Happy Saturday?
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Outweigh Amy here, and I've got my sidekick Leanne Hello.
Speaker 4 (00:40):
Hello, She's the expert.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
When it comes to this stuff. And the tagline for outweig,
which I haven't said at the last couple of weeks,
and sometimes it may get lost in the mix, but
the tagline is a life without disordered eating outweighs Everything.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
And a lot of the questions that we.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Covered the last three weeks were about just ordered behaviors,
body image, knowing your words. And today we're going to
be talking to parents, family members. These three questions are
from moms or partners, at least from what I can
tell the way they described.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
I mean, the question box can only fit so many characters.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
But the first question is my daughter is in recovery
from anarexia. She's doing great, how can I support her?
The next one is as a mom of a kid
in recovery from an eating disorder, I applaud you for
sharing your story.
Speaker 4 (01:28):
And that's more of a statement, not a question, But.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
We threw it in here because it applies because the
first mom's asking a question, how do I support my
daughter in recovery? And then you had another mom saying
they have a kid in recovery, So.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
Boom, there's a connection.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
There's other moms out there, and one way to find
support would be do you know other moms in your community,
your network?
Speaker 4 (01:51):
How can y'all connect and.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Be a light for each other, a refuge, a place
to go, a place to retreat and maybe even vent
or share or cry or scream or be confused together.
Because I know that when I first went to my
mom and said I threw up my food today, I
don't even know what to say about that, Like I
didn't even really understand what was happening, and my mom
(02:13):
didn't know really how to support me. And the Internet
was sort of in play, but I don't think as
a mom she could go Google, or there wasn't Instagram,
there wasn't a way to connect with other people. And
the gift of the Internet is community and connection. So
this just shows you there's another mom out there. And
then for us like sharing our story, yeah, we're doing
it here on a podcast like a platform such as this,
(02:37):
But that doesn't mean everybody's vulnerabilities and stories that that's
the way to share it.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
I have plenty of stories of my own.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
That I don't share publicly, but I have shared privately
with friends that maybe needed that comfort, or I share
it in other communities.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
So it doesn't mean.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Just put your story out there for all. And volatility
can look so different, But at the end of the day,
when you share your story, whoever it's with or however
it looks, you're helping someone feel seen and comforted with that.
Speaker 4 (03:05):
Yeah. Then the third question is.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
How do you handle partners that have disordered eating or
behaviors and they're healing from that, But then there's a
toddler involved, and as a parent, I think that that
can get really weird. I mean, my ex husband had
to live through some of my weird restrictions that I
wanted to enforce on our kids when he wasn't necessarily
(03:27):
in agreement with that. But he just sort of went
with the flow, but I was causing more tension, and
I think that if he had sought out help, he
maybe could have come to me and been like, hey,
so I've been very confused by this. I know you're
trying to do the right thing, but this seems very
restrictive towards our kids and even me for the matter,
(03:47):
and I would like us to figure out a new way,
but instead you would just sort of go with the flow.
And I commend him for doing the best that he
could in that moment, right, I'm not shaming him for
noting to get help, but I guess in a way,
looking back, I wish he would have challenged me a
little bit more, but we had other fish to fry.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Yeah, you're doing your best, the best that you could,
you know, So yeah, shall we just dive on in?
Speaker 4 (04:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (04:15):
So yeah, this mask and my daughter's in recovery from anorexia.
She's doing great. How can I support her? So the
first thing is you sought the help that she needs,
and she's getting that expert help. What I would invite
you to take on without saying it's like harder fast advice.
Part of it is like you don't need to be
the expert like now, it's just you get to be mom, right,
And so part of it is just identifying who you
(04:37):
want to be as a mom, but also like just
I've worked with so many teens as well at this
point in time, and so I have a lot of
perspective of like, well, what they needed from their parents.
And one of the most common things I hear from
my teens is they say, I wish my mom had
just asked me what I needed rather than trying to
like fix me or fix it or whatever.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Like part of it is like.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Instead of assuming what you think she'll know need to
be supported, like you could literally just ask or be like, hey,
I know you're going through recovery. I'm not here to
be your coach, Like I know you're working with this expert,
this therapist, this whatever, and so I just want you
to know I fully support you.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
How can I best support you right now? Like what
do you think you need?
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Right?
Speaker 1 (05:14):
And at first you might be like, I don't know,
because that's a very common response, right, and then it
could just be painting that scene of like hey, even
if you don't know right now, I just want you
to know I want to support you however you need,
and even if that means like you want to keep
up the wall and like talk to your therapist right
now and let me in later whenever you're comfort because
because sometimes people they want to kind of incubate and
(05:36):
they want to figure it out because they might literally
not have the words to communicate to their parent what
they're actually experiencing because they're so in it. So even
giving them that permission to say, hey, you don't have
to talk about it right now with me. You can
talk about it when you're ready. But I think what
happens is, at least from the experiences that I've had
with the teens I've worked with with their parents, is
their parents take on this extra responsibility that they need
(05:58):
to fix something that they need to be part of
the healing journey. And part of it is is what
your kid might need is just that unconditional love, that
unconditional support, and giving her permission to ask for what
she needs when she needs it without necessarily assuming it. Now,
here's the thing you're asking this because your heart is
so big, we can just tell like, you just want
to love on your daughter and support her, and so
(06:19):
thank you for you just being the woman that you are, right,
But part of what she might need right now is
a little bit of that space, but also with the
with the permission slip of like, hey, I'm here to
support you, will you.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Let me know what you need?
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Right But I think the big distinction here is like
I wouldn't try to get in the arena of the expertise,
be that unconditional cheerleader support all of that, but how
you might typically cheerlead might not be as productive this
time around. That's why you might want to just ask
her like hey, because sometimes they might just want to.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Be incubated with the person that they're working with.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
But sometimes they might be like, hey, mom, you know what,
I really want to incubate myself.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
But then on Friday nights, let's go grab a movie
and dinner and we'll and I'll fill you in.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
But I think it's really like, without assuming what she needs,
just just ask her and give her permission to know
and not know and tell you as she figures it out.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
I feel like that's advice for any relationship. Like I
know right now we're speaking to this mom, but I
think that that's such helpful advice for a best friend,
a sister, a significant other, what do you need? And
they may not know right away, but mentally something may
come to them and they'll know you're there, You're willing,
you're open, you want to support once they do have
(07:33):
an answer for you. What about that question of partners
that are healing, they're in a needing disorder, but there's
toddlers involved and healthy food and yeah, for sure in
the home if it affects everybody, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
So it's interesting because I could see how this question
might have been intended a couple different ways.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
So I'll kind of answer both.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
It says, how do you handle partners disordered eating while healing?
So does that mean that they're healing or that you're
also so healing from it and then teaching a toddler
healthy food. So either way, what I'd say is this is,
you know, first of all, that toddler is going to
be very impressionable.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I remember when I heard that somebody in my family
told my niece who was like two at the time,
that peanut butter was bad for you, and I was.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Like, aha, like blasphemy.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
But anyways, like words can withstand, they can just like
stand the test of time. Like you hear something, So
just keep in mind the impressionability of this child at
the time, and so thank you for even asking because
it shows that you're aware of that. But I want
to kind of stack on something that Amy was saying
with her experiences with Ben. So part of it is
like if we just take your partner's disordered eating out
of it for a second, right, and we just think
(08:40):
of it of like, how do you want to model
to your child about air quotes, health and healthy eating, right,
And so part of it is modeling, I think is
the first and foremost thing.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
I think introducing words and language to a.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Toddler of like good, bad, healthy, unhealthy, like should shouldn't
all of that? I personally believe that that should be
avoided as much as possible. And you can encourage them like,
oh my gosh, like this broccoli has so many nutrients
or whatever, like you can say the data of what
it is without adding the emotional value to the to
the word like cause again good for you, bad for you, healthy,
(09:14):
that being all those things we learned so early. So
but back to what Amy was saying, if you know
that your partner has a like a disorder behavior and
they're getting help, They're obviously aware of their disorder eating,
so it's not like the elephant in the room. So
this is an example. I'm not saying that you should
do this, but an example of this could look like, hey, hun,
while you are kind of going through your own process
(09:37):
of healing your own disorder, would you be okay if
I did the main like teaching or modeling to our
child of how we want to teach them about food
or about health or whatever. Would you be okay if
I took on that kind of role in our family
for right now. So that's one example, right So without
it being like a like putting your partner in defense
(09:58):
or thinking that they're doing anything wrong, obviously they know that.
They're probably self aware enough to know like, hey, I'm
going through my own thing right now, I'm probably not
going to be the best model for this for our child.
So hopefully they can kind of like, you know.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Pass on that and allow you to take that on.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Right But I think part of it too is like,
you know, creating positive neuro associations around food. And when
I say positive neuro associations, I mean you know, offering
different varieties like feeling happy and healthy and stress free
around food because kids pick up on those things making
meal time enjoyable. So adding music, adding cool utensils and
(10:34):
plates and stuff like that, getting them involved and prepping
the food and the cooking and stuff like that. So
establishing really positive experiences around food that have nothing to
do with the words that you're using to describe food
like good, bad, right, wrong, should, shouldn't. But those things
that I just shared with you, you could absolutely get
your partner involved in those things, because if it's a
(10:55):
non verbal association with food that can be modeled to
a child beautifully, and.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Then both of you guys can get involved.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
But just knowing that when you're talking about like using
language around food, that maybe until he or she feels
that they're ready and have like a more grounded version
of themselves around food, that you kind of take on that.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Role in your partnership. Now, again, that's just a way.
I'm not saying that's the way.
Speaker 4 (11:20):
Yeah, No, I think that that's good advice.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
And it takes the awareness, and it takes communication, and
it takes time, and that's something I think younger me
in my marriage, my partnership didn't have even when I
was starting to heal. There was so much to learn
for me to heal within myself, but even just those
little language things and energy things that kids pick up
(11:42):
on how you respond and react and the words you say,
and you'll catch yourself. And then if you talk to
your partner about it too, like hey, but not from
a place of judgment, more from a place of I
know you're working so hard and I'm not sure if
you noticed that you did mention, Oh, I shouldn't have
had this, or I can't eat that, or this food
(12:04):
is bad.
Speaker 4 (12:05):
I'm just letting you know. Maybe you don't.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Even realize that you're saying it, but the kids are
going to pick up on it. So how can we
come up with some other words, or can we come
up with a system like a baseball play, you know,
like you tug your ear a cute little elbow tap,
but more of like you're coming alongside of the partner
and you want to support, not as a.
Speaker 4 (12:23):
Frustrated partner or roommate.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
That's like having to deal with this person. You have
to know, there's so much going on. There's a lot
of behaviors and patterns and thought patterns and words that
have been a part of someone's vocabulary for.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
Decades, so long.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Grace is important. Compassion and grace even for yourself. Yeah,
absolute relationship can look so different. But I just I
can speak to what mine was with Ben in my home,
and I think I just probably wish I had had
more self awareness and I would have gone to Ben
and said, hey, when I say this or act this way,
can you help call me out on it privately? Doesn't
(13:01):
have to be in front of the kid, So just
develop your own system. I didn't even have that awareness
to have that conversation with Ben, and he'd been used
to me being that way in our marriage, and a
lot of men and I would say, aren't as dialed
in with how those words can be damaging to kids,
especially young girls.
Speaker 4 (13:20):
So we didn't never know, but.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
We have learned, and we wish y'all. Sure, LeAnn, where
can people find you? And this is part four of
our Q and A and we're going to wrap it
up next week will be part five.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
But in the meantime, yeah, you can head on over
to stressle seating dot com to see I feel back
the curtain around the thought process that I teach my
clients on how to turn off the part of their
brain that's obsessed with food and really rewire it for
freedom and peace of mind and heal from the disorder.
So that's over on stressle seeding dot com, and then
you can find out all about me about everything else
over on Leannellington dot com.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
And Leanne has a podcast called What's God Got to
Do with It which.
Speaker 4 (13:59):
Is awesome as well. I'm at Radio Amy.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
I'll have a new fifth thing up on Tuesday with
Therapy Cat, and then four Things on Thursday, and then
next thing you know, it'll be next Saturday, and we
will wrap up the Q and A episodes. It'll be
Part five and we're gonna be talking about orthorexia. We'll
see then, Bye bye,