November 8, 2022 • 42 mins
Coming off her emotional visit to Red Table Talk, Cheryl uses her own platform to continue the conversation. Including her deepest and most buried thoughts, memories and emotions that she wasn’t quite able to share on the show. This is the strongest and most raw and honest version of Cheryl Burke yet.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is Burke in the Game and I heard radio podcast. Hey, guys,
welcome to Burke in the Game. This is Cheryl Burke.
And you know, I don't have a special guest today
because I figured I have so much to talk to you, guys.
I feel very loyal to my listeners and I want
to make sure that we are all on the same
page as far as like it's certain latest headlines that
(00:25):
have come out, but also about my interview and powerful
interview I believe it was UM with Jada Pinkett Smith,
her mother, Gammy Um and the show Red Table Talk.
I've been a huge fan first of all of Red
Table Talk. It was actually a part of my vision
board UM last year going into two, so you know,
(00:46):
vision boards do work, guys, UM and I it was
an honor, honestly for me to sit amongst these women
who have had so much trauma themselves, but also have
I guess, built a platfor form for people like us
to tell our stories and to tell so in a
safe environment. And I think that these type of stories,
(01:09):
I know sometimes can be a downer for a lot
of people, because you know, we just got out of
a pandemic. We've been locked up in our homes and
the last thing we want to talk about is trauma.
And however, you know, we've all gone through it or
we're all going through it, whether that be you know,
trauma from just the pandemic or from childhood. And I
think I've been blessed to be given a platform like
(01:31):
what I have currently, um, because of Dancing with the
Stars and because of my ballroom dancing experience in general,
to be able to talk about the real story, you know, UM,
me behind the glitter and the mirror ball trophy. And
I think that you know, I want everyone and or
just one person just to know that they're not alone
(01:52):
in this, because it can get very scary and lonely,
and especially when it comes to any type of fear
that's being built up in your body. Anyway, I just
want to basically, you know, there's a lot of stuff
that you guys have already heard, but for my new
listeners or anyone who may just not know in general,
(02:13):
you know, it was very important for me to be
honest though graphic at times, UM, during this interview with
the ladies at the Red Table Talk. You know, the
main reason why I was invited to go on the
show in general was to talk about trauma bonding. Right.
So trauma bonding is basically when two people subconsciously bond
(02:36):
based on shared trauma that most likely stems from their childhood.
So for example, for me, right, I've dealt with a
lot of trauma as a little girl. Um, you know,
my first memory, as I mentioned with Peter when she
was here last week, we talked about my first memory
being my father cheating on my mother. Then from there,
(02:58):
you know, I got molested as a little girl from
uh hired help and this old retired mailman. Basically that
my stepfather hired um to babysit me and my step
sister who groomed us, you know. And I did mention
this as well in the interview, But I think it's
important that you know, I think the first step to
(03:21):
any type of healing because healing is a lifelong process.
I don't think that you will you can just heal overnight,
I guess knowing what that is. Labels for the most
part aren't great, but sometimes they are because at the
end of the day, and this is what I've learned
in therapy that putting a label to something really helps
me at least and my brain wrapped the idea of Okay,
(03:43):
well you know, my definition of love equaled abuse equaled
manipulation equaled um you know, just not the usual, not
the cookie cutter love right that everybody yearns for or
some people may have, you know, for me, I just
(04:03):
went with what felt familiar, which unfortunately was abuse. And
so I believe that having these uncomfortable conversations is just
so important. Um. You know, I understand that I've seen
a lot of your guys comments when you're like, oh
what else you know? Here she goes again. Just the
list goes on and on and on, you know, it does.
(04:25):
And at the end of the day, this is very
important for me to um tell my story because I
am being asked. But also this is the reason why
I believe this is part of my journey and this
is part of my growth. And I know for a
fact that this is helping other people just feel like
they're not alone. And I keep saying that's the same
(04:46):
sentence and it sounds redundant, but it's true. Um, you know,
trauma bonding is a real thing. And I know that
I'm still like when I'm not conscious, this is why
I'm really scared to date sometimes or at the moment
becau because I know I'll repeat the same pattern. Right,
So when something has been set in my brain, for example,
(05:07):
right like as a little girl, that seeing my father
with another woman, or seeing um, you know, being groomed
and being in that experience of being groomed by an
older retired mailman. It was it was very brain I
guess I was brainwashed right at at that age when
you're a little girl, it's easily that easily happens. And
(05:31):
as uncomfortable it is for me to still talk about,
like exactly what happened, I have to talk about it
because there's also a lot of guilt and shame that
I feel at you know, during that time where it
was so hard for me to even say anything to
my parents when I was being sexually abused because he
(05:51):
never hurt me physically, Um, he definitely touched me inappropriately. However,
the grooming side of things, and grooming means when somebody
right touches you inappropriately. Sorry, I get when I get
uncomfortable about stuff, my voice cracks a little bit, so
(06:11):
excuse me, Um, when someone who's not supposed to be
touching you, or when you're vulnerable at a young age,
and a man um or a woman touches you inappropriately. Um,
you know, in a way, they are manipulating you, and
they're manipulating you to the point where it's like they're
not hurting you physically, but they're making you feel loved
(06:36):
and cared for. Yet you know what they're doing is wrong. However,
it's not so wrong to where you're being hurt and
that you have to like go call the police or
go tell your mom or whatever. And it was you know,
I'm not blaming my parents, and a lot of comments
have said, you know, where are your parents? Change your parents?
It's just not fair for you or anyone to say
(06:56):
that because, first of all, you weren't in my situation,
and second of all, my parents did the best that
they could at that time. Um. Could it have been
a better situation, absolutely, But you tell me one person
that has been raised perfectly in this world. You know,
at the end of the day, Um, they did the
best that they could and they were able to support me.
(07:17):
They were able to support my passions in life, including
ballroom dancing. Um. And you know, I definitely, though held
onto a lot of resentment and Thank God for therapy
and all the other resources that are out there. You know,
we've been able Me, my mom, and stepdad have been
able to work through it. But we're still working through it.
It's you know, there are moments that I still feel
(07:40):
sometimes I have a lot of anger towards them. Um. Also,
what was really hard for me to watch was my
mom's old VHS tapes for my YouTube channel during the pandemic.
I really went to the past and I saw this man,
this my molester, literally having Thanksgiving dinner. It was the
weirdest experience ants of my life. It was Thanksgiving and
(08:03):
everyone was gathered around the dining room table and I'm
watching this just like a year ago or a year
and a half ago, and you know, the body language
from you know, my family, and then this random old
man standing there literally like over me. Um following me.
I went to go play the piano. He was there,
and it was just like all I know is that
(08:23):
I'm here today and this is what happened, and I'm
just here to tell my story. I'm not a professional
by any means, but I do have experience when it
comes to trauma. UM, my own experience. So really, what
I'm trying to say, is that this was the start
of this trauma bond, right, this grooming, this grooming meaning
(08:44):
this man was just I remember that feeling when I
was a little girl of just being so disgusted with him,
and it was this like weird love hate relationship with
this guy. Anyway, he is now dead, and um I
did though before he died, I went I testified against him.
(09:05):
Um because basically what had happened was that my stepsister
had a friend over and he tried to do the
same thing to her, and she did the right thing,
which was ran home to her parents and told her mom,
and her mom then called my parents and then that
was it. That was the end of that, because I
(09:26):
do remember he was being he was pushed into our
swimming pool at home, and um, yeah, I don't remember
much because when trauma happens, you know, it does tend
to fog my brain up a little bit. And even
when it comes to like the timeline of stuff, I've
noticed I changed the age quite a lot. However, I
do remember going into court and testifying against him alone
(09:49):
because my mom wasn't allowed to come inside the courtroom
with me, which was the weirdest thing ever. Um. Anyway,
and I remember sitting there in front of him, looking
at him because he was sitting right in front of me,
and then all of a sudden, I remember all of
these people coming out of the woodwork, and these people,
meaning like his niece and nephews basically saying that they
(10:09):
were also victim, a victim of his abuse as well. Anyway,
he was sentenced to I believe, life in prison, but
he was only in there for twenty years. And then
he got out of prison, and then he went I
guess straight to my dad, my stepdad's dental practice, and
basically said to him that I never did this to
your kids. And UM, I think he died short after
(10:34):
all of that happened. Anyway, I can feel in my
body at this moment how uncomfortable it is still for
me to talk about UM. I guess I'm just trying to.
It's so much harder for me to like put into
words everything. And I guess I haven't really felt I've
(10:56):
never really cried about it until now, actually, And UM,
I think this is a good sign, because I think
I've been trying. I've been feeling like every time I
talk about UM, the child abuse that I felt like
I was telling someone else's story. Um okay, I just
(11:17):
feel I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Um okay. Hi,
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(11:38):
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(11:59):
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(12:20):
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Welcome Back, heavy stuff. I just had to cry it
out quickly. My therapist would be very proud of me
(12:42):
that I'm crying, and I think she pointed out not
too long ago that I haven't really cried when telling
this story of being sexually abused. Um, but I guess
it shows the growth that I'm actually feeling my feelings
and you're here to witness it. Um. I didn't even
cry during red table talk. Um, I did get a
(13:03):
little bit like choked up. But um so, I do
feel a sense of loyalty to all my listeners because, um,
I feel like you guys have been here through it
all and it seemed to have just come tumbling down
all at the same time. Um, but I know that
there is light at the end of the tunnel because
I'm here still, and i am here and I'm sober,
(13:24):
and I'm just feeling the feels though it is scary it.
I mean, like, honestly, guys, I'm like crying every two seconds.
And I'm definitely not that girl who cries ever, and
I used to take pride in it. But maybe it's
because I am really trying to let it all in
and let it all out and not push it down
(13:48):
because that's how I was taught as a little girl.
And I remember crying going back to me being UM
me testifying and guests this man. I remember crying, UM there, Uh,
but I don't remember crying since then, and I think
I was nine years old when I was testifying against him. UM.
But it makes a lot of sense as to why, UM,
(14:13):
this pattern of men in my life have been very
toxic in my life, right, so it has really been UM,
it's been because of this trauma bond, you know, meaning
like trauma bond. Again. It's like I'm trying to find
that person that in a way not necessarily grooms me,
(14:35):
but that also fits the mold of the way I
was raised as far as UM like a man, what
a man means to me in my life. UM. I
mentioned in the interview as well with um over at
Red Table Talk that nice guys and I mentioned it.
I believe the last episode with Peter that I ram
(14:56):
turned off by nice guys, um or I was turned
off by nice guys, because I'm definitely I do know
that I'm working through it. And it's not just recent.
This whole thing about being turned off by nice guys
that really bothered me um earlier on my life, So
that is something that I am definitely working on. UM.
(15:18):
What helps me, I guess is just to know that, oh, okay,
I'm just following that pattern, right. That's why grooming at
that age, like starting at five years old up until
eight nine is these are the most vital years of
your life, right as a kid, and UM, that's when
you know you've for me at least as I just
(15:39):
remember observing so much UM, and I remember turning into
whatever I observed, meaning like I literally tried into Julia
Roberts Pretty Woman because that was a movie that was
being played in my home because my other nanny might
live in, nanny who was Filipina. Um, she only spoke
to Golic and only watched freaking Pretty Woman constantly. I'm
(16:00):
a just tape and I saw also footage of me
as a little girl in the mirror saying to myself,
am I pretty? Are you pretty? Like it was it
was just not the best of movie to be seeing
at that age. UM. There's also Dynasty, that old soap,
that old soap, I guess television show that was on
(16:21):
UM And then I watched The Sound of Music, which
was definitely more age appropriate. But anyway, I just know
how vital those years are in someone's life, especially mine.
And I started becoming a chameleon in a way. I
had no identity UM. And it was interesting because you know,
there was no one for me to talk to really
(16:41):
about it, because, UM, I didn't know how to. I
always was known to be this really shy girl. My
mom actually thought I was deaf when I was really young.
She took me to a hearing specialist. This was like,
I think during or right right after I testified, and
(17:01):
the ear doctor was saying that I actually it's not
that I actually have problems with my hearing but or speech.
It's the fact that I am going through PTSD and trauma.
So I don't know what this will do for anyone
listening right now. I just think it is so important
(17:22):
when I have a kid or kids, I think I'm
going to try to at least have an open conversation
about this and This is why I'm such a fan
of red table talk, because you know, you've got different
generations sitting at a table together, a family of three
women who have gone through certain things that you know,
and in there in their prime or even as now.
(17:45):
It's like, you know, I never forget. Jada was saying
that the trauma bond that she has is due to
the fact that she was raised in a household of addicts,
and um, you know, these conversations are just so important
and so vital because it really truly takes the shame away. Um.
You know, for me, the shame when being sexually abused
(18:06):
as a kid was the fact that I found pleasures
at times with it. And it makes me want to
throw up right now by saying this. But again, you know,
I didn't know better, and so I think I held
onto this shame and guilt as a little girl, Like
how did I like have any type of feeling, like
any good feeling towards this disgusting man who was honestly
(18:29):
hurting me? And I think I never voiced it until
just recently. Um, but you know I've said this before.
It truly does help to just voice it, whether that
is journaling or with a friend or family member or
someone you trust, because once you do that, you that
(18:50):
the shame starts to die down and you don't have
to live with with that. And that's really heavy, and
you know, feeling that way for me for sure, has
coused so much physical pain in my body. Um, which
is why I'm just trying to cry it out because
(19:10):
it's all that's all I can do at the moment.
And yet, you know, I do know though that my
past definitely doesn't define who I am today, but it's
definitely a part of my story. And I'm not going
to be a victim any longer or and I haven't
been in a long time because I am thriving in
(19:30):
life right now. I'm just having these conversations, even if
it's just one listener at the moment listening, it doesn't matter,
you know, I think it is really important, um for
people to hear it and to have to make these
uncomfortable conversations no longer uncomfortable. Okay, So moving on to
(19:57):
what else was said in this interview and discussed. Um,
you know, I did. I did touch a lot on
my sobriety. I know, the interview in general was only
like thirty five minutes though I was there for four hours. Um,
I could have talked to those women all day, but um,
you know it was it was very draining, yet it
was it was like a purge of emotions. Um. You know,
(20:22):
some of these questions that I were at that I
was asked, I've never been asked before. I wasn't caught
off guard because like for me, I'm willing to discuss anything.
It was interesting with my therapist the other day. She said, oh,
you know some of these stories you're saying on your
podcast or in interviews that I've heard, I've never heard
you talk about. And you know, in a way, I
(20:44):
had to sit with it for a while because I
was like, wait, why haven't I talked about it? And
then I started questioning myself like did this really happen?
And then I start not trusting myself and I remember
this is what was happening again when I was being molested,
was like, wait, what if what is he doing anything wrong?
Or even with these abusive relationships, when I got physically abused,
(21:04):
like I would question, even though there were wealths on
my legs, did this actually happen? You know? And um,
that's another priority for me, and I believe I have
done a lot of work with it is just trusting me,
trusting myself, Um, forget anyone else at the moment. I
have to trust however I feel. I have to trust
(21:26):
what I see. It's my perspective and I my intuition,
and I just have to trust it. And that's been
really interesting because I didn't realize I didn't trust myself.
But that's what happens when, you know, for me, at least,
when I would cover it all up, like I would
go back to the man that was abusing me, because
I didn't really have this, okay, what is he doing?
(21:50):
Like he's abusing me? He was physically whipping me with
his belt. And I took him back like four or
five times after that, and it just got worse and
worse and worse. And yet it was so hard for
me to to be done because of that pure that
reason of just trying to cover it up and thinking
(22:14):
that that's what I deserved in a weird way, UM,
not knowing self about self love, not even knowing what
that meant. Nor was I welcome or nor was I
welcoming that conversation at that time. Um, you know, my
mom put me into therapy after I got sexually abused.
I don't remember much of it, um, And it wasn't
until I moved to l A about a few seasons
(22:35):
into Dancing with the Stars did I start therapy because
I wanted to start therapy on my own. Um. And
even that, even and Dr Anne Wexler, who was the
first guest on this episode on this podcast burke in
the game, she was saying that I she was trying
to start the conversation about all of this, yet I
wasn't having it. And those were also during my drinking days,
(22:56):
so it was like, all I'm grateful for though at
this moment is that I am really trying to trust
myself and not question anything. You know. I think this
is why sometimes I look for outside sources for reassurance,
why sometimes I get really insecure, whether that be with
(23:17):
work or my personal life, jealousy, reassurance on stupid things
like my choreography, like never feeling like I could do
anything in a way without getting the official okay from somebody.
You know, all of that has to do with everything
with self worth and self love. Um, it's crazy anyway. Okay,
(23:41):
So another thing that I mentioned and I want to
be I want to tread carefully. Here is the ballroom
dance competitive world that I have been blessed and fortunate
to be a part of because my parents were able
to help me and support me with that. This was
a passion of mine, as you guys know, and it
still is in a different way. However, Um, the competition world. Okay, well,
(24:07):
let me just kind of paint that out for you here,
because there has been it was really cut up my interview,
and I just want to be clear because I know
that I still have family, like considered family for sure,
as far as people still in the competitive dance world.
And I don't want people to take offense at a
sound bite that was cut together. Um, there's nothing wrong
(24:27):
with the way Red Table Talk cut my interview. However,
I just want to talk more in detail about it
because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But I
also you know, I'm just telling my story and I
know that what I say might be shocking. However, it's
my story and it's what I experienced, and I'm no
longer going to preach and not practice what I preach.
(24:50):
So here we go. Ballroom dancing is an interesting yet
beautiful world of lots of makeup, lots of fringe dresses,
lots of close contact with the opposite sex. UM back then,
for sure. And if you're gonna, if you're gonna pursue
(25:13):
ballroom dancing competitively in a I guess as an athlete,
like world class athlete, you have to um take political
dance lessons. You have to schmooz you. It's basically like
a little mini Hollywood. I guess you can say where
you know, there's these competitions that you just go to
(25:33):
just to be seen or you know, I've mentioned Blackpool
here a few times, which is UM the competition in
England UM, which is equivalent to the Olympics, and you
know there as well. It's like who is taking from who,
who is dating who? It's very gossipy, but it's also
(25:54):
it's very competitive, right, very much a competitive sport. And
though I learned so much, and even though I always say,
you know, I grew up too fast, I don't. I don't.
I wouldn't have it any other way, Like I think
it has taught me so much about how to like
little things, how to stand up straight, how to dance
(26:16):
with confidence, how to walk into a room, how to
shake someone's hand. It's like certain things right that maybe
people or women, young women in my age back when
I was eleven twelve had no idea about the awareness
of my body is something that I'll always be grateful
for because of ballroom dancing. Um, I'm definitely very much
aware of the feelings that come through my body and
(26:39):
all of it more than I am putting into language.
So my feelings is what's stronger than me. Like what
I'm trying to do now is articulated into words. Um,
this is what's hard for me. But this is what
I've been working on with Dr Wexler, is really being
able to voice it all. Anyway, I started out as
a pro am student, meaning what you see on Dancing
(27:01):
with Stars is that we are the professional dancers and
then the celebrities are amateurs. There is that world in
ballroom dancing called pro am. So I started out in
that um genre of pro am because I didn't have
a dance partner. So my pro am teacher teachers, because
I had multiple Um, they weren't all abusive, but there
(27:24):
was definitely one that was. And um, oh gosh, I
think it's important or I know it's important for me
to voice this because it's been eating me alive. I'm
such an advocate for women to um voice, you know,
voice their true feelings and to stand up for themselves.
(27:46):
And yet there was something that I was hiding, UM
that I never voiced, not trying to say anything other
than the truth. And it's hard for me to believe
that this doesn't happen a lot in the ballroom competition. However,
I can only talk based off my experience. You know,
he used to pick me up from school when my
mom and dad obviously they were working full time, sometimes
(28:07):
past full time, UM through the night, especially my mom
who just had her startup company UM, and that was
just running and taking off for her. And then I
had my Filipina nanny UM. And then at that time
that was when my the other nanny we had was
in jail UM. And then I started ballroom dancing. Literally
not being able to say no and stand up for myself.
(28:29):
That was not something I was even thinking about. I
mean to the point where again he didn't hurt me physically,
I wasn't raped, UM, but I was being sexually abused.
You know, stuff like that happens quite a lot. Um.
I remember to this very powerful UM world champion at
the time, uh older older man when I was sixteen,
(28:53):
I remember called my hotel room. My mom was there
and we were at Blackpool that competition and asked me
and my mom I remember said something like, don't ever
call this room again. My daughter is sixteen years old
and he must have been in his late forties. So, like,
you know, this type of stuff happens, and yet we've
(29:14):
been silenced, whether that be silence from the from the
perpetrator or silence because we're living in shame. And again,
I'm not here to change the world or anything. I'm
just here to tell my story, hoping that maybe somebody
who's going through it, whether that be in the ballroom
industry or any industry you know, just talk about it. Um.
(29:37):
I'm like, sometimes I'm shocked by what just comes out
of my mouth, and then again I start to question
my own trust within myself. But I um, I'm definitely
proud of myself for being courageous enough to voice it,
though hard as ship I feel like I'm speaking a
different language and um, uh yeah, I don't think uh yeah,
(30:00):
got lots of feelings to feel at the moment. So okay.
So the bigger headline of all of this that came
out of this Red Table Talk interview was the fact
that my boyfriend on and off for about four years,
which started about sophomore year in high school. Um, it
was very physically and mentally abusive. However, first I want
(30:22):
to say that it started mentally abusing me and with
the with the abuse, it was mental first before I
got physical. As most of the time it is like that. Um,
we had a very toxic relationship. I had no friends
in high school. I definitely UH was dancing at the time,
(30:43):
ballroom dancing, and I just started, like I remember, I
had a partner. I had my very first dance partner. UM.
And then maybe like I think my old note that's
not true. My very first dance partner was when I
was thirteen. And then I remember after a year and
a half of that part otnership, I moved on to
another partnership and he was from Finland and him and
(31:05):
his UM partner, his life partner, came to live with
me and my family in the Bay Area and they
stayed in our pool house. UM, and I remember UH
running to them in my pool house where they were
staying and just running in fear that this man that
(31:25):
I was dating was going to kill me. At one point, UM,
I caught him cheating on me, and I remember seeing
him jump into this woman's or young woman's car, and
I followed them in my car pretty closely, and then
(31:46):
I went to his home. And he basically had told
me before I saw them that he was going to
come home after his class or come to his house,
and I was going to meet him there. We were
gonna have lunch or whatever. And his parents, I his
mom specifically, was always very nice to me. UM. She'd
always like cook for me, and we would always talk
(32:08):
and stuff like that, and I just felt like I
was kind of a part of their family. UM. And
I remember he came back and I started questioning him
as to like why, why where were you? You know,
as if he didn't know I was following him, it
was pretty obvious, you know, they were. This person was
the person he was cheating on me with, was driving
really fast, um, and so they eventually lost me, and
(32:32):
so then I started questioning him and then he didn't
like it, and then it just got really intense, and
I ran into my car and sped off, and he
jumped into his car and started like bumping my car,
like rear ending me too, in hopes that I would
pull over. I did talk to one of my friends
who was in the competitive ballroom world, who was actually
(32:53):
a lot older than me. I tend to have a
lot of older friends, like a lot of like older
mommy figures. I guess some people would say UM. In
my life. Uh. And you know, the same person also
helped me get on birth control, took me to planned
parenthood for the first time. You know, there was none
of these conversations happening in my house. But back to that,
(33:13):
So this is where I was. Where now I look
at my life and I'm like, God, I really wish
there was a show recalled Red Table Talk back in
the day, because these conversations need to happen. They just do.
And so be it if I'm that person to start
these uncomfortable conversations or be a part of a movement
(33:35):
that is starting to have these uncomfortable conversations, because I
know some people are having them. However, the reaction isn't
necessarily all that inviting UM, which makes it a lot
scarier to have these conversations. But again, I just wish
that I could turn a podcast on and listen to
it and be like, okay, just sigh of deep, like
(33:56):
just breathe it out and just X hey, knowing that
someone else has gone through this, like the fact that
this person, this younger woman who was probably in our
thirties I was a teenager, had to take me to
planned parenthood, um and get me on birth control for
the first time. You know, some people don't even know that.
(34:17):
Some people may not even know about planned parenthood, especially
who knows nowadays. Um, you know, with Roe v Wade
and all of that, um, may not even be accessible
to some. Uh. But I'm grateful for that person and
that young woman who helped me and who played a
huge vital role in my life. UM. Okay, this is
(34:40):
a lot. Yeah, I think it's just so important. Again,
like to do this alone wasn't easy anyway. UM, Look,
there are red flags, right, and I believe regardless of
trauma that have been that has been something that you've
(35:00):
experienced or that I've experienced, I still knew the red flags. However,
I just I couldn't ask for help. I was gravitating.
Now that I know about trauma, bonding to what feels familiar, right,
or maybe it feels like home, which, unfortunately for me,
wasn't the cookie cutter you know, all beautiful roses and
(35:24):
flowers and all of that. No, it was quite the opposite.
It was quite dark. Um. And I think the key
for me has been in order to like take these
steps to first of all, just to be able to
tell my story without questioning if it's true or not
in my eyes. Um, you know, it's just recognizing the pattern. Um.
(35:47):
And this is why I keep saying I have to
change the pattern. I have to retrain my brain because
as you guys have gotten a little bit of the
trauma I've dealt with, or a lot of bit, there's
a lot, right. So I'm also not mentioning the good
times and all that. Of course there was those moments,
but there was also you know, the more and more
(36:10):
I do this podcast, and the more and more I
have guests who become who come on here and and
be vulnerable, like for example, Peter, I learned a lot
about myself. And Um, what I've learned is that there
is still a lot of work for me to do,
and I'm not trying to be perfect and not trying
to be a hundred percent healed, because it is, like
I said earlier, a lifelong journey that I'm going to
(36:32):
be on until the day I die. However, I'm just
recognizing this pattern of why why do I fall for
men who are abusive? Um? Why do I fall for
men who cheat on me? Why do I attract this
in my life? And you know, if it isn't obvious
(36:54):
enough to you guys, it's because of my past trauma.
It's what felt like home, you know, to me, that
love equaled all of it, all of the bad, not
so much the good. So moving on to this last UM,
I guess uh topic we talked about on Red Table Talk. UM,
I basically mentioned, you know, my marriage or now my
(37:18):
my first marriage. There hasn't been a second one yet,
just in case you're just new to this podcast, UM,
but I had mentioned. You know, we talked a lot
about my ex and me being married. We didn't talk
about him, We talked about the situation and I mentioned,
and it was quoted in a lot of articles that
(37:39):
are out now, I wanted to see if I could
get married in a way. I wasn't thinking that obviously,
As you know, we were engaged, or as I was
walking down the aisle, or as I was obsessively prepping
for this wedding, because I truly believe that my energy
literally went into Ryan stoneing tech boxes for my guests,
(38:02):
like to this crazy neurotic um side of me that
is definitely still there. However, there was so many red
flags for me that I chose not to look at again,
and red flags not just from him, from us as
a couple. I think we were both or I can
(38:23):
speak for myself. I just know that there there was
a lot of things that were mismatched as far as
certain belief systems go, and that alone, you know, I'm
don't regret anything. However, if I were to do it again,
you know that is a red flag to pay attention
to um nothing. You know, he was My marriage wasn't
(38:45):
about or revolved around the physical. There was no physical abuse,
so please chill out with the headlines. However, again, I
can just again only speak from my experience that I
decided to push that aside and focus on what I
needed to focus on, which is Ryan Stoning tick tick boxes,
which is crazy, right, So I didn't want to see it,
(39:08):
and you know, there were people in my life. I'm
not going to mention who but close people who have
been on my journey with me for many, many years
or since I was born, who had asked me, are
you sure you want to do this? Are you sure
you want to do this? And I just right away
became defensive, and I was like, don't you dare question this.
(39:30):
If you don't want to be there, then don't be there.
But I would straight up get so defensive there was
no room for a conversation to be had. So again
it goes back to why I said, I think subconsciously,
and this is what me and Dr Wexler have said
and talked about in length. I just felt no self
(39:50):
worth or self love that day, I said, I do
still I didn't, no matter if I was already in therapy.
You know, there's a lot of stuffed, a lot of
of weeds to acts out. I guess you could say,
before I was even able to have this conversation. You know,
Dr Wexler mentioned to me recently that you know, she
would even just touch on a little bit of like
(40:12):
self love or self worth, and I would just change
the subject so fast. I was not in the right
state of mind to be having any of these types
of conversations, nor was I ever inviting it until just recently.
And so now that I've done the intent to work
that I've been so curious about and wanting to do
since this pandemic started, even when I was married at
(40:33):
that time, I'm starting to see it all, you know,
And since my sobriety, I'm starting to see it all.
And I do know though, with all of this being
said and done, that like I said during my interview
with Jada and Gammy, that I put myself first. You know,
I'm putting myself first for the first time, and everyone
(40:58):
and their mothers sometimes I feel like asks me about
the dating scene, and like, why have I not? Am
I going to be alone forever? You know, it hasn't
even been a freaking year yet, and it's not a year.
Is nothing right? So like, I am taking the time
that I need and trying to feel the feelings that
(41:18):
I should have not pushed away. But forget that, like
I'm really trying to feel now and you can tell
that I'm still feeling from when I was five years old.
There's a lot of work I need to do, and again,
I just owe it to myself, you know, so you
know these conversations and I'm just gonna keep reiterating this.
(41:39):
It just makes it just really makes me feel like
I'm not alone. I definitely want to hear from you, guys,
especially since this has been the most I think vulnerable
UM podcast show interview I've ever done because it's just me,
myself and I so there's no reaction. However, it's nice
to get one sometimes, UM, So I would love to
hear from you, um. Please email me at Burke in
(42:03):
the Game at I heart radio dot com or d
m u s on Instagram at Burke in the Game.
I love you guys so much. Thank you so much
for all of your encouraging and beautiful words and your
support and love really matters. And I do read every
single thing because I'm O C D like that and
that's just who I am. So careful with your words.
(42:24):
You know, I've got nothing nicest say. Don't say it.
I am here pouring my heart and soul out to
you guys because I'm hoping it will help love you
And until next time, thanks for listening and coming along
this journey with me. If you like what you hear,
then feel free to give this podcast five stars. You
can also follow along with my journey on Instagram at
(42:44):
burke in the Game and if you have any advice
or want to write in, then email me at burke
in the Game at i heart radio dot com
This is Burke in the Game and I heard radio podcast. Hey, guys,
welcome to Burke in the Game. This is Cheryl Burke.
And you know, I don't have a special guest today
because I figured I have so much to talk to you, guys.
I feel very loyal to my listeners and I want
to make sure that we are all on the same
page as far as like it's certain latest headlines that
(00:25):
have come out, but also about my interview and powerful
interview I believe it was UM with Jada Pinkett Smith,
her mother, Gammy Um and the show Red Table Talk.
I've been a huge fan first of all of Red
Table Talk. It was actually a part of my vision
board UM last year going into two, so you know,
(00:46):
vision boards do work, guys, UM and I it was
an honor, honestly for me to sit amongst these women
who have had so much trauma themselves, but also have
I guess, built a platfor form for people like us
to tell our stories and to tell so in a
safe environment. And I think that these type of stories,
(01:09):
I know sometimes can be a downer for a lot
of people, because you know, we just got out of
a pandemic. We've been locked up in our homes and
the last thing we want to talk about is trauma.
And however, you know, we've all gone through it or
we're all going through it, whether that be you know,
trauma from just the pandemic or from childhood. And I
think I've been blessed to be given a platform like
(01:31):
what I have currently, um, because of Dancing with the
Stars and because of my ballroom dancing experience in general,
to be able to talk about the real story, you know, UM,
me behind the glitter and the mirror ball trophy. And
I think that you know, I want everyone and or
just one person just to know that they're not alone
(01:52):
in this, because it can get very scary and lonely,
and especially when it comes to any type of fear
that's being built up in your body. Anyway, I just
want to basically, you know, there's a lot of stuff
that you guys have already heard, but for my new
listeners or anyone who may just not know in general,
(02:13):
you know, it was very important for me to be
honest though graphic at times, UM, during this interview with
the ladies at the Red Table Talk. You know, the
main reason why I was invited to go on the
show in general was to talk about trauma bonding. Right.
So trauma bonding is basically when two people subconsciously bond
(02:36):
based on shared trauma that most likely stems from their childhood.
So for example, for me, right, I've dealt with a
lot of trauma as a little girl. Um, you know,
my first memory, as I mentioned with Peter when she
was here last week, we talked about my first memory
being my father cheating on my mother. Then from there,
(02:58):
you know, I got molested as a little girl from
uh hired help and this old retired mailman. Basically that
my stepfather hired um to babysit me and my step
sister who groomed us, you know. And I did mention
this as well in the interview, But I think it's
important that you know, I think the first step to
(03:21):
any type of healing because healing is a lifelong process.
I don't think that you will you can just heal overnight,
I guess knowing what that is. Labels for the most
part aren't great, but sometimes they are because at the
end of the day, and this is what I've learned
in therapy that putting a label to something really helps
me at least and my brain wrapped the idea of Okay,
(03:43):
well you know, my definition of love equaled abuse equaled
manipulation equaled um you know, just not the usual, not
the cookie cutter love right that everybody yearns for or
some people may have, you know, for me, I just
(04:03):
went with what felt familiar, which unfortunately was abuse. And
so I believe that having these uncomfortable conversations is just
so important. Um. You know, I understand that I've seen
a lot of your guys comments when you're like, oh
what else you know? Here she goes again. Just the
list goes on and on and on, you know, it does.
(04:25):
And at the end of the day, this is very
important for me to um tell my story because I
am being asked. But also this is the reason why
I believe this is part of my journey and this
is part of my growth. And I know for a
fact that this is helping other people just feel like
they're not alone. And I keep saying that's the same
(04:46):
sentence and it sounds redundant, but it's true. Um, you know,
trauma bonding is a real thing. And I know that
I'm still like when I'm not conscious, this is why
I'm really scared to date sometimes or at the moment
becau because I know I'll repeat the same pattern. Right,
So when something has been set in my brain, for example,
(05:07):
right like as a little girl, that seeing my father
with another woman, or seeing um, you know, being groomed
and being in that experience of being groomed by an
older retired mailman. It was it was very brain I
guess I was brainwashed right at at that age when
you're a little girl, it's easily that easily happens. And
(05:31):
as uncomfortable it is for me to still talk about,
like exactly what happened, I have to talk about it
because there's also a lot of guilt and shame that
I feel at you know, during that time where it
was so hard for me to even say anything to
my parents when I was being sexually abused because he
(05:51):
never hurt me physically, Um, he definitely touched me inappropriately. However,
the grooming side of things, and grooming means when somebody
right touches you inappropriately. Sorry, I get when I get
uncomfortable about stuff, my voice cracks a little bit, so
(06:11):
excuse me, Um, when someone who's not supposed to be
touching you, or when you're vulnerable at a young age,
and a man um or a woman touches you inappropriately. Um,
you know, in a way, they are manipulating you, and
they're manipulating you to the point where it's like they're
not hurting you physically, but they're making you feel loved
(06:36):
and cared for. Yet you know what they're doing is wrong. However,
it's not so wrong to where you're being hurt and
that you have to like go call the police or
go tell your mom or whatever. And it was you know,
I'm not blaming my parents, and a lot of comments
have said, you know, where are your parents? Change your parents?
It's just not fair for you or anyone to say
(06:56):
that because, first of all, you weren't in my situation,
and second of all, my parents did the best that
they could at that time. Um. Could it have been
a better situation, absolutely, But you tell me one person
that has been raised perfectly in this world. You know,
at the end of the day, Um, they did the
best that they could and they were able to support me.
(07:17):
They were able to support my passions in life, including
ballroom dancing. Um. And you know, I definitely, though held
onto a lot of resentment and Thank God for therapy
and all the other resources that are out there. You know,
we've been able Me, my mom, and stepdad have been
able to work through it. But we're still working through it.
It's you know, there are moments that I still feel
(07:40):
sometimes I have a lot of anger towards them. Um. Also,
what was really hard for me to watch was my
mom's old VHS tapes for my YouTube channel during the pandemic.
I really went to the past and I saw this man,
this my molester, literally having Thanksgiving dinner. It was the
weirdest experience ants of my life. It was Thanksgiving and
(08:03):
everyone was gathered around the dining room table and I'm
watching this just like a year ago or a year
and a half ago, and you know, the body language
from you know, my family, and then this random old
man standing there literally like over me. Um following me.
I went to go play the piano. He was there,
and it was just like all I know is that
(08:23):
I'm here today and this is what happened, and I'm
just here to tell my story. I'm not a professional
by any means, but I do have experience when it
comes to trauma. UM, my own experience. So really, what
I'm trying to say, is that this was the start
of this trauma bond, right, this grooming, this grooming meaning
(08:44):
this man was just I remember that feeling when I
was a little girl of just being so disgusted with him,
and it was this like weird love hate relationship with
this guy. Anyway, he is now dead, and um I
did though before he died, I went I testified against him.
(09:05):
Um because basically what had happened was that my stepsister
had a friend over and he tried to do the
same thing to her, and she did the right thing,
which was ran home to her parents and told her mom,
and her mom then called my parents and then that
was it. That was the end of that, because I
(09:26):
do remember he was being he was pushed into our
swimming pool at home, and um, yeah, I don't remember
much because when trauma happens, you know, it does tend
to fog my brain up a little bit. And even
when it comes to like the timeline of stuff, I've
noticed I changed the age quite a lot. However, I
do remember going into court and testifying against him alone
(09:49):
because my mom wasn't allowed to come inside the courtroom
with me, which was the weirdest thing ever. Um. Anyway,
and I remember sitting there in front of him, looking
at him because he was sitting right in front of me,
and then all of a sudden, I remember all of
these people coming out of the woodwork, and these people,
meaning like his niece and nephews basically saying that they
(10:09):
were also victim, a victim of his abuse as well. Anyway,
he was sentenced to I believe, life in prison, but
he was only in there for twenty years. And then
he got out of prison, and then he went I
guess straight to my dad, my stepdad's dental practice, and
basically said to him that I never did this to
your kids. And UM, I think he died short after
(10:34):
all of that happened. Anyway, I can feel in my
body at this moment how uncomfortable it is still for
me to talk about UM. I guess I'm just trying to.
It's so much harder for me to like put into
words everything. And I guess I haven't really felt I've
(10:56):
never really cried about it until now, actually, And UM,
I think this is a good sign, because I think
I've been trying. I've been feeling like every time I
talk about UM, the child abuse that I felt like
I was telling someone else's story. Um okay, I just
(11:17):
feel I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Um okay. Hi,
it's Bethany Frankel. My time on The Wheelhousewives of New
York is a few years behind me, and now I'm
ready to put the wheel back into the Real Housewives.
That's where my new podcast, Rewives comes in. This isn't
(11:38):
your typical rewatch podcast. I'm watching only the most iconic
episodes from all cities. I'm sharing never before heard stories
of what happened behind the scenes, and I'm not just
pulling in cast members for postgame analysis. I'm doing something
a little bit more interesting. If you've ever seen an
episode of The wheelhouse Wives, if you know the drill,
but beyond throwing drinks and leg there are lessons about
(11:59):
marriage before his friendship, money, parenting, and fame. If you
have the right minds, analyze and dig deeper. So I'm
bringing on unexpected thought leaders and celebrities to get their
take on the chaos this season. I sit down with
Elizabeth Moss, Kevin Neal and Zusie Orman, Griffin Johnson and more.
You just think that there isn't much to learn from
flipping tables and yanking wigs. But that's where you're wrong.
(12:20):
Listen to Rewives with Bethany Frankel on the I Heart
Radio app, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
Welcome Back, heavy stuff. I just had to cry it
out quickly. My therapist would be very proud of me
(12:42):
that I'm crying, and I think she pointed out not
too long ago that I haven't really cried when telling
this story of being sexually abused. Um, but I guess
it shows the growth that I'm actually feeling my feelings
and you're here to witness it. Um. I didn't even
cry during red table talk. Um, I did get a
(13:03):
little bit like choked up. But um so, I do
feel a sense of loyalty to all my listeners because, um,
I feel like you guys have been here through it
all and it seemed to have just come tumbling down
all at the same time. Um, but I know that
there is light at the end of the tunnel because
I'm here still, and i am here and I'm sober,
(13:24):
and I'm just feeling the feels though it is scary it.
I mean, like, honestly, guys, I'm like crying every two seconds.
And I'm definitely not that girl who cries ever, and
I used to take pride in it. But maybe it's
because I am really trying to let it all in
and let it all out and not push it down
(13:48):
because that's how I was taught as a little girl.
And I remember crying going back to me being UM
me testifying and guests this man. I remember crying, UM there, Uh,
but I don't remember crying since then, and I think
I was nine years old when I was testifying against him. UM.
But it makes a lot of sense as to why, UM,
(14:13):
this pattern of men in my life have been very
toxic in my life, right, so it has really been UM,
it's been because of this trauma bond, you know, meaning
like trauma bond. Again. It's like I'm trying to find
that person that in a way not necessarily grooms me,
(14:35):
but that also fits the mold of the way I
was raised as far as UM like a man, what
a man means to me in my life. UM. I
mentioned in the interview as well with um over at
Red Table Talk that nice guys and I mentioned it.
I believe the last episode with Peter that I ram
(14:56):
turned off by nice guys, um or I was turned
off by nice guys, because I'm definitely I do know
that I'm working through it. And it's not just recent.
This whole thing about being turned off by nice guys
that really bothered me um earlier on my life, So
that is something that I am definitely working on. UM.
(15:18):
What helps me, I guess is just to know that, oh, okay,
I'm just following that pattern, right. That's why grooming at
that age, like starting at five years old up until
eight nine is these are the most vital years of
your life, right as a kid, and UM, that's when
you know you've for me at least as I just
(15:39):
remember observing so much UM, and I remember turning into
whatever I observed, meaning like I literally tried into Julia
Roberts Pretty Woman because that was a movie that was
being played in my home because my other nanny might
live in, nanny who was Filipina. Um, she only spoke
to Golic and only watched freaking Pretty Woman constantly. I'm
(16:00):
a just tape and I saw also footage of me
as a little girl in the mirror saying to myself,
am I pretty? Are you pretty? Like it was it
was just not the best of movie to be seeing
at that age. UM. There's also Dynasty, that old soap,
that old soap, I guess television show that was on
(16:21):
UM And then I watched The Sound of Music, which
was definitely more age appropriate. But anyway, I just know
how vital those years are in someone's life, especially mine.
And I started becoming a chameleon in a way. I
had no identity UM. And it was interesting because you know,
there was no one for me to talk to really
(16:41):
about it, because, UM, I didn't know how to. I
always was known to be this really shy girl. My
mom actually thought I was deaf when I was really young.
She took me to a hearing specialist. This was like,
I think during or right right after I testified, and
(17:01):
the ear doctor was saying that I actually it's not
that I actually have problems with my hearing but or speech.
It's the fact that I am going through PTSD and trauma.
So I don't know what this will do for anyone
listening right now. I just think it is so important
(17:22):
when I have a kid or kids, I think I'm
going to try to at least have an open conversation
about this and This is why I'm such a fan
of red table talk, because you know, you've got different
generations sitting at a table together, a family of three
women who have gone through certain things that you know,
and in there in their prime or even as now.
(17:45):
It's like, you know, I never forget. Jada was saying
that the trauma bond that she has is due to
the fact that she was raised in a household of addicts,
and um, you know, these conversations are just so important
and so vital because it really truly takes the shame away. Um.
You know, for me, the shame when being sexually abused
(18:06):
as a kid was the fact that I found pleasures
at times with it. And it makes me want to
throw up right now by saying this. But again, you know,
I didn't know better, and so I think I held
onto this shame and guilt as a little girl, Like
how did I like have any type of feeling, like
any good feeling towards this disgusting man who was honestly
(18:29):
hurting me? And I think I never voiced it until
just recently. Um, but you know I've said this before.
It truly does help to just voice it, whether that
is journaling or with a friend or family member or
someone you trust, because once you do that, you that
(18:50):
the shame starts to die down and you don't have
to live with with that. And that's really heavy, and
you know, feeling that way for me for sure, has
coused so much physical pain in my body. Um, which
is why I'm just trying to cry it out because
(19:10):
it's all that's all I can do at the moment.
And yet, you know, I do know though that my
past definitely doesn't define who I am today, but it's
definitely a part of my story. And I'm not going
to be a victim any longer or and I haven't
been in a long time because I am thriving in
(19:30):
life right now. I'm just having these conversations, even if
it's just one listener at the moment listening, it doesn't matter,
you know, I think it is really important, um for
people to hear it and to have to make these
uncomfortable conversations no longer uncomfortable. Okay, So moving on to
(19:57):
what else was said in this interview and discussed. Um,
you know, I did. I did touch a lot on
my sobriety. I know, the interview in general was only
like thirty five minutes though I was there for four hours. Um,
I could have talked to those women all day, but um,
you know it was it was very draining, yet it
was it was like a purge of emotions. Um. You know,
(20:22):
some of these questions that I were at that I
was asked, I've never been asked before. I wasn't caught
off guard because like for me, I'm willing to discuss anything.
It was interesting with my therapist the other day. She said, oh,
you know some of these stories you're saying on your
podcast or in interviews that I've heard, I've never heard
you talk about. And you know, in a way, I
(20:44):
had to sit with it for a while because I
was like, wait, why haven't I talked about it? And
then I started questioning myself like did this really happen?
And then I start not trusting myself and I remember
this is what was happening again when I was being molested,
was like, wait, what if what is he doing anything wrong?
Or even with these abusive relationships, when I got physically abused,
(21:04):
like I would question, even though there were wealths on
my legs, did this actually happen? You know? And um,
that's another priority for me, and I believe I have
done a lot of work with it is just trusting me,
trusting myself, Um, forget anyone else at the moment. I
have to trust however I feel. I have to trust
(21:26):
what I see. It's my perspective and I my intuition,
and I just have to trust it. And that's been
really interesting because I didn't realize I didn't trust myself.
But that's what happens when, you know, for me, at least,
when I would cover it all up, like I would
go back to the man that was abusing me, because
I didn't really have this, okay, what is he doing?
(21:50):
Like he's abusing me? He was physically whipping me with
his belt. And I took him back like four or
five times after that, and it just got worse and
worse and worse. And yet it was so hard for
me to to be done because of that pure that
reason of just trying to cover it up and thinking
(22:14):
that that's what I deserved in a weird way, UM,
not knowing self about self love, not even knowing what
that meant. Nor was I welcome or nor was I
welcoming that conversation at that time. Um, you know, my
mom put me into therapy after I got sexually abused.
I don't remember much of it, um, And it wasn't
until I moved to l A about a few seasons
(22:35):
into Dancing with the Stars did I start therapy because
I wanted to start therapy on my own. Um. And
even that, even and Dr Anne Wexler, who was the
first guest on this episode on this podcast burke in
the game, she was saying that I she was trying
to start the conversation about all of this, yet I
wasn't having it. And those were also during my drinking days,
(22:56):
so it was like, all I'm grateful for though at
this moment is that I am really trying to trust
myself and not question anything. You know. I think this
is why sometimes I look for outside sources for reassurance,
why sometimes I get really insecure, whether that be with
(23:17):
work or my personal life, jealousy, reassurance on stupid things
like my choreography, like never feeling like I could do
anything in a way without getting the official okay from somebody.
You know, all of that has to do with everything
with self worth and self love. Um, it's crazy anyway. Okay,
(23:41):
So another thing that I mentioned and I want to
be I want to tread carefully. Here is the ballroom
dance competitive world that I have been blessed and fortunate
to be a part of because my parents were able
to help me and support me with that. This was
a passion of mine, as you guys know, and it
still is in a different way. However, Um, the competition world. Okay, well,
(24:07):
let me just kind of paint that out for you here,
because there has been it was really cut up my interview,
and I just want to be clear because I know
that I still have family, like considered family for sure,
as far as people still in the competitive dance world.
And I don't want people to take offense at a
sound bite that was cut together. Um, there's nothing wrong
(24:27):
with the way Red Table Talk cut my interview. However,
I just want to talk more in detail about it
because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But I
also you know, I'm just telling my story and I
know that what I say might be shocking. However, it's
my story and it's what I experienced, and I'm no
longer going to preach and not practice what I preach.
(24:50):
So here we go. Ballroom dancing is an interesting yet
beautiful world of lots of makeup, lots of fringe dresses,
lots of close contact with the opposite sex. UM back then,
for sure. And if you're gonna, if you're gonna pursue
(25:13):
ballroom dancing competitively in a I guess as an athlete,
like world class athlete, you have to um take political
dance lessons. You have to schmooz you. It's basically like
a little mini Hollywood. I guess you can say where
you know, there's these competitions that you just go to
(25:33):
just to be seen or you know, I've mentioned Blackpool
here a few times, which is UM the competition in
England UM, which is equivalent to the Olympics, and you
know there as well. It's like who is taking from who,
who is dating who? It's very gossipy, but it's also
(25:54):
it's very competitive, right, very much a competitive sport. And
though I learned so much, and even though I always say,
you know, I grew up too fast, I don't. I don't.
I wouldn't have it any other way, Like I think
it has taught me so much about how to like
little things, how to stand up straight, how to dance
(26:16):
with confidence, how to walk into a room, how to
shake someone's hand. It's like certain things right that maybe
people or women, young women in my age back when
I was eleven twelve had no idea about the awareness
of my body is something that I'll always be grateful
for because of ballroom dancing. Um, I'm definitely very much
aware of the feelings that come through my body and
(26:39):
all of it more than I am putting into language.
So my feelings is what's stronger than me. Like what
I'm trying to do now is articulated into words. Um,
this is what's hard for me. But this is what
I've been working on with Dr Wexler, is really being
able to voice it all. Anyway, I started out as
a pro am student, meaning what you see on Dancing
(27:01):
with Stars is that we are the professional dancers and
then the celebrities are amateurs. There is that world in
ballroom dancing called pro am. So I started out in
that um genre of pro am because I didn't have
a dance partner. So my pro am teacher teachers, because
I had multiple Um, they weren't all abusive, but there
(27:24):
was definitely one that was. And um, oh gosh, I
think it's important or I know it's important for me
to voice this because it's been eating me alive. I'm
such an advocate for women to um voice, you know,
voice their true feelings and to stand up for themselves.
(27:46):
And yet there was something that I was hiding, UM
that I never voiced, not trying to say anything other
than the truth. And it's hard for me to believe
that this doesn't happen a lot in the ballroom competition. However,
I can only talk based off my experience. You know,
he used to pick me up from school when my
mom and dad obviously they were working full time, sometimes
(28:07):
past full time, UM through the night, especially my mom
who just had her startup company UM, and that was
just running and taking off for her. And then I
had my Filipina nanny UM. And then at that time
that was when my the other nanny we had was
in jail UM. And then I started ballroom dancing. Literally
not being able to say no and stand up for myself.
(28:29):
That was not something I was even thinking about. I
mean to the point where again he didn't hurt me physically,
I wasn't raped, UM, but I was being sexually abused.
You know, stuff like that happens quite a lot. Um.
I remember to this very powerful UM world champion at
the time, uh older older man when I was sixteen,
(28:53):
I remember called my hotel room. My mom was there
and we were at Blackpool that competition and asked me
and my mom I remember said something like, don't ever
call this room again. My daughter is sixteen years old
and he must have been in his late forties. So, like,
you know, this type of stuff happens, and yet we've
(29:14):
been silenced, whether that be silence from the from the
perpetrator or silence because we're living in shame. And again,
I'm not here to change the world or anything. I'm
just here to tell my story, hoping that maybe somebody
who's going through it, whether that be in the ballroom
industry or any industry you know, just talk about it. Um.
(29:37):
I'm like, sometimes I'm shocked by what just comes out
of my mouth, and then again I start to question
my own trust within myself. But I um, I'm definitely
proud of myself for being courageous enough to voice it,
though hard as ship I feel like I'm speaking a
different language and um, uh yeah, I don't think uh yeah,
(30:00):
got lots of feelings to feel at the moment. So okay.
So the bigger headline of all of this that came
out of this Red Table Talk interview was the fact
that my boyfriend on and off for about four years,
which started about sophomore year in high school. Um, it
was very physically and mentally abusive. However, first I want
(30:22):
to say that it started mentally abusing me and with
the with the abuse, it was mental first before I
got physical. As most of the time it is like that. Um,
we had a very toxic relationship. I had no friends
in high school. I definitely UH was dancing at the time,
(30:43):
ballroom dancing, and I just started, like I remember, I
had a partner. I had my very first dance partner. UM.
And then maybe like I think my old note that's
not true. My very first dance partner was when I
was thirteen. And then I remember after a year and
a half of that part otnership, I moved on to
another partnership and he was from Finland and him and
(31:05):
his UM partner, his life partner, came to live with
me and my family in the Bay Area and they
stayed in our pool house. UM, and I remember UH
running to them in my pool house where they were
staying and just running in fear that this man that
(31:25):
I was dating was going to kill me. At one point, UM,
I caught him cheating on me, and I remember seeing
him jump into this woman's or young woman's car, and
I followed them in my car pretty closely, and then
(31:46):
I went to his home. And he basically had told
me before I saw them that he was going to
come home after his class or come to his house,
and I was going to meet him there. We were
gonna have lunch or whatever. And his parents, I his
mom specifically, was always very nice to me. UM. She'd
always like cook for me, and we would always talk
(32:08):
and stuff like that, and I just felt like I
was kind of a part of their family. UM. And
I remember he came back and I started questioning him
as to like why, why where were you? You know,
as if he didn't know I was following him, it
was pretty obvious, you know, they were. This person was
the person he was cheating on me with, was driving
really fast, um, and so they eventually lost me, and
(32:32):
so then I started questioning him and then he didn't
like it, and then it just got really intense, and
I ran into my car and sped off, and he
jumped into his car and started like bumping my car,
like rear ending me too, in hopes that I would
pull over. I did talk to one of my friends
who was in the competitive ballroom world, who was actually
(32:53):
a lot older than me. I tend to have a
lot of older friends, like a lot of like older
mommy figures. I guess some people would say UM. In
my life. Uh. And you know, the same person also
helped me get on birth control, took me to planned
parenthood for the first time. You know, there was none
of these conversations happening in my house. But back to that,
(33:13):
So this is where I was. Where now I look
at my life and I'm like, God, I really wish
there was a show recalled Red Table Talk back in
the day, because these conversations need to happen. They just do.
And so be it if I'm that person to start
these uncomfortable conversations or be a part of a movement
(33:35):
that is starting to have these uncomfortable conversations, because I
know some people are having them. However, the reaction isn't
necessarily all that inviting UM, which makes it a lot
scarier to have these conversations. But again, I just wish
that I could turn a podcast on and listen to
it and be like, okay, just sigh of deep, like
(33:56):
just breathe it out and just X hey, knowing that
someone else has gone through this, like the fact that
this person, this younger woman who was probably in our
thirties I was a teenager, had to take me to
planned parenthood, um and get me on birth control for
the first time. You know, some people don't even know that.
(34:17):
Some people may not even know about planned parenthood, especially
who knows nowadays. Um, you know, with Roe v Wade
and all of that, um, may not even be accessible
to some. Uh. But I'm grateful for that person and
that young woman who helped me and who played a
huge vital role in my life. UM. Okay, this is
(34:40):
a lot. Yeah, I think it's just so important. Again,
like to do this alone wasn't easy anyway. UM, Look,
there are red flags, right, and I believe regardless of
trauma that have been that has been something that you've
(35:00):
experienced or that I've experienced, I still knew the red flags. However,
I just I couldn't ask for help. I was gravitating.
Now that I know about trauma, bonding to what feels familiar, right,
or maybe it feels like home, which, unfortunately for me,
wasn't the cookie cutter you know, all beautiful roses and
(35:24):
flowers and all of that. No, it was quite the opposite.
It was quite dark. Um. And I think the key
for me has been in order to like take these
steps to first of all, just to be able to
tell my story without questioning if it's true or not
in my eyes. Um, you know, it's just recognizing the pattern. Um.
(35:47):
And this is why I keep saying I have to
change the pattern. I have to retrain my brain because
as you guys have gotten a little bit of the
trauma I've dealt with, or a lot of bit, there's
a lot, right. So I'm also not mentioning the good
times and all that. Of course there was those moments,
but there was also you know, the more and more
(36:10):
I do this podcast, and the more and more I
have guests who become who come on here and and
be vulnerable, like for example, Peter, I learned a lot
about myself. And Um, what I've learned is that there
is still a lot of work for me to do,
and I'm not trying to be perfect and not trying
to be a hundred percent healed, because it is, like
I said earlier, a lifelong journey that I'm going to
(36:32):
be on until the day I die. However, I'm just
recognizing this pattern of why why do I fall for
men who are abusive? Um? Why do I fall for
men who cheat on me? Why do I attract this
in my life? And you know, if it isn't obvious
(36:54):
enough to you guys, it's because of my past trauma.
It's what felt like home, you know, to me, that
love equaled all of it, all of the bad, not
so much the good. So moving on to this last UM,
I guess uh topic we talked about on Red Table Talk. UM,
I basically mentioned, you know, my marriage or now my
(37:18):
my first marriage. There hasn't been a second one yet,
just in case you're just new to this podcast, UM,
but I had mentioned. You know, we talked a lot
about my ex and me being married. We didn't talk
about him, We talked about the situation and I mentioned,
and it was quoted in a lot of articles that
(37:39):
are out now, I wanted to see if I could
get married in a way. I wasn't thinking that obviously,
As you know, we were engaged, or as I was
walking down the aisle, or as I was obsessively prepping
for this wedding, because I truly believe that my energy
literally went into Ryan stoneing tech boxes for my guests,
(38:02):
like to this crazy neurotic um side of me that
is definitely still there. However, there was so many red
flags for me that I chose not to look at again,
and red flags not just from him, from us as
a couple. I think we were both or I can
(38:23):
speak for myself. I just know that there there was
a lot of things that were mismatched as far as
certain belief systems go, and that alone, you know, I'm
don't regret anything. However, if I were to do it again,
you know that is a red flag to pay attention
to um nothing. You know, he was My marriage wasn't
(38:45):
about or revolved around the physical. There was no physical abuse,
so please chill out with the headlines. However, again, I
can just again only speak from my experience that I
decided to push that aside and focus on what I
needed to focus on, which is Ryan Stoning tick tick boxes,
which is crazy, right, So I didn't want to see it,
(39:08):
and you know, there were people in my life. I'm
not going to mention who but close people who have
been on my journey with me for many, many years
or since I was born, who had asked me, are
you sure you want to do this? Are you sure
you want to do this? And I just right away
became defensive, and I was like, don't you dare question this.
(39:30):
If you don't want to be there, then don't be there.
But I would straight up get so defensive there was
no room for a conversation to be had. So again
it goes back to why I said, I think subconsciously,
and this is what me and Dr Wexler have said
and talked about in length. I just felt no self
(39:50):
worth or self love that day, I said, I do
still I didn't, no matter if I was already in therapy.
You know, there's a lot of stuffed, a lot of
of weeds to acts out. I guess you could say,
before I was even able to have this conversation. You know,
Dr Wexler mentioned to me recently that you know, she
would even just touch on a little bit of like
(40:12):
self love or self worth, and I would just change
the subject so fast. I was not in the right
state of mind to be having any of these types
of conversations, nor was I ever inviting it until just recently.
And so now that I've done the intent to work
that I've been so curious about and wanting to do
since this pandemic started, even when I was married at
(40:33):
that time, I'm starting to see it all, you know,
And since my sobriety, I'm starting to see it all.
And I do know though, with all of this being
said and done, that like I said during my interview
with Jada and Gammy, that I put myself first. You know,
I'm putting myself first for the first time, and everyone
(40:58):
and their mothers sometimes I feel like asks me about
the dating scene, and like, why have I not? Am
I going to be alone forever? You know, it hasn't
even been a freaking year yet, and it's not a year.
Is nothing right? So like, I am taking the time
that I need and trying to feel the feelings that
(41:18):
I should have not pushed away. But forget that, like
I'm really trying to feel now and you can tell
that I'm still feeling from when I was five years old.
There's a lot of work I need to do, and again,
I just owe it to myself, you know, so you
know these conversations and I'm just gonna keep reiterating this.
(41:39):
It just makes it just really makes me feel like
I'm not alone. I definitely want to hear from you, guys,
especially since this has been the most I think vulnerable
UM podcast show interview I've ever done because it's just me,
myself and I so there's no reaction. However, it's nice
to get one sometimes, UM, So I would love to
hear from you, um. Please email me at Burke in
(42:03):
the Game at I heart radio dot com or d
m u s on Instagram at Burke in the Game.
I love you guys so much. Thank you so much
for all of your encouraging and beautiful words and your
support and love really matters. And I do read every
single thing because I'm O C D like that and
that's just who I am. So careful with your words.
(42:24):
You know, I've got nothing nicest say. Don't say it.
I am here pouring my heart and soul out to
you guys because I'm hoping it will help love you
And until next time, thanks for listening and coming along
this journey with me. If you like what you hear,
then feel free to give this podcast five stars. You
can also follow along with my journey on Instagram at
(42:44):
burke in the Game and if you have any advice
or want to write in, then email me at burke
in the Game at i heart radio dot com
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