September 8, 2022 • 27 mins
Cheryl and Tom continue their father daughter dance as she shares intimate details about her marriage, her post-marriage sex life and the allure of sexting and dating apps.
They exchange opinions of what ruins a relationship and in a sobering moment, Cheryl reveals a deep, sad truth.
Cheryl’s reunion with Tom once again scores a perfect 10!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is Burke in the game and I heard radio
podcast all right, here you have it part two with
my dad's dad, none other than Tom bergeron did you
think that I was ever going to be sitting here
single again? When you were at my wedding? Stop it,
tell me the truth. You said you were going to
say that, you said you were going to say it.
(00:25):
I remember thinking I would happily. I would happily go
to as many weddings as you. Tom. Well, look why no, No,
I actually want to know why. And by the way,
obviously you know me, there's nothing. I won't take anything
you say personal, yet I do want to I want
(00:46):
to learn from this. So tell me this is what
this podcast is. You you and Matthew had dated years before, right, so, uh,
you had you had some prior experience with each other
and broken up then coming back together. And look, you know,
it's it's a it's a pressure cooker environment when you're
(01:07):
living your whole life in in l A and and
uh and both of you being in the in the
public eye. So you know, it's it's sort of like
when you buy a stock, you think there's a chance
that can go up, there's a chance that can go down,
but you still make the purchase. That's how I felt
when I went to the wedding. This could be great,
this could go Oh my god, did you give it
(01:28):
a time? You were you one of those people that
were like, I gave it two years to like or something. No, no, no,
all right, but you just knew you knew this wasn't
gonna be the first and last. Well, I look, I'm
always hoping for the best, but I figured however it
played out, you you were, you would be able to handle. God.
I never thought you were gonna answer like that because
I was like, he wouldn't come all the way here
if he thought Because I don't ever get me wrong,
(01:50):
I was thinking this actually when at yours VP, I
was like, I wonder if he thinks that this is
gonna be and there you have it? Okay, great, good
to know. Now what do I need to look for
in my next So I'm not dating. I've been basically,
I haven't had sex in a year. I've been very
open with my life. Literally, it's been a year in
(02:10):
August and I'm not don't know the day. I don't
put in my calendar even though I should have. But um,
I definitely have been sexless and that's okay, and I
actually there's an empowerment there. There's also in a weird
way to say, mind you, I'm grieving, and yes it's
like a gen in the family, but there has been
a sort of empowerment feeling when you know, divorcing as well,
(02:33):
Like I think that you know, it's important for me,
like you said, to evolve, and sometimes people do that
together and sometimes people don't. And um, that's I think
basically what happened in the nutshell, right, So, and I
am really taking my time to work on me before
I even the whole world of dating. Yes it may
(02:53):
be great, and no, I'm not like texting anyone. Maybe
it'd be nice to sext or text, but I'm not
necessary really looking for that at the moment. And I
don't know about this whole dating world nowadays with dating apps,
like I kind of refused to do one. And I
know though that there are matchmakers. We had Patty Stayinger
on for Millionaire Matchmaker and she showed up. I have
(03:14):
to say one Halloween because Halloween's you know, it's really
big in Calabasas. Here on Dancy Starts, it happens every day. Yeah,
I opened the door and there's a bunch of kids
and there's Patty. She was like she was out trigger
Pett Yeah, yeahs out there. And I don't think we
(03:36):
had actually met at that point. I just seen the
show and it was like we both did the oh
you yeah, you can't miss her. No, But I do
want to say I really admire the way you've approached this.
I think that utilizing the podcast to not only navigate
(03:56):
your own journey, but also it's I think helping a
lot of people who are going through similar things and
you're you're willingness to be so candid and and uh
just to tell it like it is for you, I
think can be a very healing thing for a lot
of other people who don't have, uh, you know, the
(04:18):
ability to to mount a podcast and to yeah, I
mean it's healing for me as well selfishly, you know.
And I think that people are like, you're over sharing,
I can care less Like for me, you know, I
wish when I was younger that I had somebody that
was over sharing or that was a little bit more
transparent with what they really are going through because it
is lonely, you know, it's lonely when you feel like
(04:38):
you're alone. And I think with a lot of these
dark issues, especially mental health, I think only recently have
we started to talk about it because we had to
through this pandemic, I think. But like I really, it
gets to be very You get to be in your
thoughts a little bit more, and then you start to
define yourself by your thoughts, and then it gets dark.
It's just you fall down that rabbit hole. And I think,
(04:59):
to the people, say you're out, we're sharing. Those aren't
the people you're trying to reach anyway, clearly, you know.
I mean, of course I just fixate on all those
negative comments, but that's me. I'm working on that, but
everybody does. I mean, it's it's you know, you've got
that one person who has nine followers and and and
just as really good at vitriol and no picture, no
profile pictures, like why not, Yeah, it's like a unicorn
(05:23):
or something like that. Yeah, you're like with a bag
of Doritos and then someone calling me fat that same
person right right, Yeah, So it's you've got to kind
of I take you know. Ricky Gervais is hilarious talking
about when he blocks people and look how many followers
they have if they just trolled him and he just
you know, I love blocking people. It just brings me joy,
(05:45):
it really does. It's like at first I was like
kind of like, oh wait, no, I don't want to block.
I got really heavy about it, but now I'm just
like block from the moment you say the word even
like but whatever context you say it in, you're great,
but you were better or before, like by I cannot
wait to do it. My feeling is if if it's
something that I think this person would have had the balls,
(06:08):
and I mean that not on a gender actual ball,
if they if they would have said that to me,
if we were facing each other at a Starbucks or
something like that, then I don't I wouldn't block. If
it's a legitimate, well thought out criticism or comment, that's
one thing. If it's somebody scratching their shorts and their
parents basement, just you know, typing with their gooey fingers,
(06:29):
then that picture right now in my head is so disgusting.
I think I just threw up in my mouth. It
was intended to be Oh my god, I think it's
when I got when I got the gooey fingers that's
when I really just took it off. The the gooey
fingers reminds me of these letters I get at my
house once week from people in prison. Oh cell number.
(06:53):
I love y'all, but you gotta stop because like that,
I don't even live here. Yeah, I mean, I don't sleep.
But that's the thing, Like, it's just that is scary.
It's just it's really scary out there, Tom, in this
world I've got, I've got a homeless guy living next
door in the Hollywood Hills. How about that. He lives
underneath an Airbnb, underneath the deck, and I have to watch.
(07:17):
I'm carrying mace in my neighborhood because I he walks
by quite often with a couch on his head or
on his shoulder. Then he comes out with somebody. He
stole someone's dominoes. Then he stole someone's freaking carpet. I'm
not kidding. Like this guy is like this. He walks everywhere,
and he's this thin, and he's so strong. If he
(07:38):
can definitely not dating him, don't worry. Good, Yeah, good, Yeah,
I think it's important to have if you have the
bar set a little higher than that. So, speaking of
(07:58):
what what do you think should that consists of in
terms of you going forward? And then yeah, like for me,
my red flags now that I've learned a lot from
my past relationships, you know, or or my main three
things that I actually require. One accountability in general. I
think that's very important. Number two is trust, loyalty where
(08:22):
tourists you get it, yea. And number three is to
be able to support himself financially. That's a good one too.
But yeah, so what do you think would you like
to add to my list? Look, I I think it's important,
(08:47):
I would say, as your dance dad, since you're coming
to the next one, so might as well. Of course,
as many as you have, I'll be maybe I'll do
an East Coast one, thank you, if that would make
it easier. But I I just think you you have
to make sure that, uh, you're taking care of you
and and you're doing that and if that, if that
(09:09):
brings another person into your life on a regular or
semi regular basis great. But if it doesn't, uh, the
important thing is you're taking care of you and you're
not compromising in order to have a relationship. That's exactly
And I'm just learning. I'm just learning about boundaries for
(09:29):
the first time. And I'm also learning though to not
be see I can also see myself living like a
hermit because with the sobriety, I definitely have social phobia.
I've realized. I have to tell you, I think so
many of us have to some degree or another. This
pandemic has uh has triggered even for me. I mean,
obviously I'm a I'm a loner anyway. I but you
(09:53):
have so many friends at your favorite restaurants. It's crazy.
I've never seen it. There's anything like it. You're like, hey, Susie, Hey, memory, Yeah,
Like what the heck? You guys are like having full
long conversations. It's not just that, hey, hello, how are you?
You're like, how is your grandma? Yeah? But but by
the same token, I love the time I spend just
(10:13):
by myself. I'm quite comfortable just I don't know if
that's a tourist thing because we're both Torreans, but but
I think we're both very capable at at being comfortable
alone or or being in a partnership that is is
mutually beneficial. Yeah, and that's the key. I think. I think,
(10:34):
you know, any partnership, it's gonna be at least for
the most part fifty fifty. It can obviously vacillate based
on circumstance, but I think the set point has to
be shared. And that's the thing. It's like, uh, sometimes
you get clouded. I I did get clouded by the
fantasy and the General Hospital episode in my head, which
(10:55):
is amazing, but like it's not real. And I think
meditation going back to that has really helped me. Um,
you know what that is, right, Like, it's it's it's
a feeling that also whether it be whether if you're
going to judge it good or bad, you just need
to feel it because it just soon. Two will pass
very soon, So better than not feeling it. And I
(11:16):
think we get you know, those uncomfortable conversations about money
and um, you know, we signed a prenup and I
think that is also something I don't regret now in California.
For some reason, I feel like it doesn't matter yet
it does. But you know, I'm still going through this
process of divorce at the moment, and it's been I'm
(11:36):
not in a rush to get the brother. I'm like,
I'm not dating anyone. I'm not like trying to like
get married any type soon. Well would I yes, absolutely married,
But it's interesting, Um, do you believe in prenups? Yeah?
Oh yeah, I mean look back when Lewis and I
got married, neither one of us had anything. We're just
I think we're each making like a six eighteen thousand
a year or something like that, so it wouldn't have
(12:00):
it wouldn't have been required. But definitely I think that
it's it's it's evens the romance. But like, so does childbirth. Yeah,
so does that first fart totally, which I actually I
that's burping is one thing, but farting is another. You
can't do that, you know. Yeah, that's when you know
(12:22):
you're either with the right person or it's time to
move on. Literally, yes, yeah, but no, I definitely believe
in that. I think you have to be realistic, particularly
as you get older and you accumulate uh you know,
more property or wealth or whatever. Uh you want to
what's the old adage of all marriages fail and it
(12:44):
maybe more than that, it's a little bit higher pandemic. Yeah, yeah,
I think it's. I think it's it's only smart to
take the rose colored glasses off for a bit and
uh and have a prenup, right, So what do you
think about have sex the first date? It's fine? Yeah, yeah,
(13:05):
if it's a good first date, why not Really you
don't think that has a turn off like coming you
know you're a man obviously, but like you have also
gone through it for the last time you checked maybe, um,
a lot of people. So this was like we asked
a question because our podcast is very interactive and we
I like to hear from people, UM as far as
(13:26):
like these uncomfortable questions go. And I did ask my
last guest, I said, so, what do you think I had?
Nick Vial? He didn't, Peter, Yeah, um, he has a
very successful podcast, but he also gives advice to women,
and he actually gave pretty good advice. I must say,
um or women and men, I guess people in relationships.
And he says that he doesn't think that that's a
good idea. Okay, but I unders see I fall in
(13:50):
love when I have sex with you. So I'm just
putting it out there right now. So whoever has sex
with me, careful you are on a slippery slope. I
might obsess over you and I might even you know what,
Just get on one knee right away from the moment
right after the sex, and that is who I am
and I know, but this is let me amend my answer.
(14:13):
I think it's a horrible okay, but what I'm trying
to eventually do, and this is what Patty Stinger recommended
data Pool of Men. I'm like, oh my god, that
sounds so hard and so miserable because I'm a serial
monogamous and nowadays people are not, which is insane to me.
I'm not trying to judge it, but I just did.
(14:34):
But like they that's crazy that people can just like, honey,
I'm gonna go flirt and maybe have sex with so
and so, but I'll come home to you. That's crazy. Well,
that's that's different than I think what Patty was suggesting that.
You know, she wasn't suggesting that. I think she was saying,
you know, just enjoy yourself date and I don't know
how to do that. I don't know, Well that could
(14:56):
be uh you know, for for that could be your
next goal and how to do that? Did you did
you do that before? No? I didn't. You know you're
a serial monogo too, I think, yeah, I kind of.
I remember there was one time when I was doing
the radio show here in New Hampshire, and Lois and I,
interestingly had both come off long relationships, long gish relationships
(15:20):
that ended badly each of us and had each decided
to not get involved with anybody seriously. Um and and
so I was, I was dating a couple of people,
and then she and I met and we you know,
started dating too. But there was one night on the
(15:40):
radio show because I was on from seven to midnight,
and this gal that I had dated occasionally came to
the station surprised me, just wanted to sit and watch
the radio show while I did it. And then uh,
Lois showed up. So I had these two women in
the studio, each of whom I had been dating. Uh
(16:02):
are you having sex with them? And uh, I realized
at that moment that I just noticed how I just
glossed past out one. I noticed that moment. I I
don't I want to be with Lois, but you know,
I don't think this other person very nice person. But
(16:24):
it was just obvious to me that. So you can
just feel it? Yeah, And what does that feeling entail?
Because I'm just wondering if I've ever felt it. It's
it's I I think people in long relationships, will will
understand this reference because it doesn't sound like much of
an answer, but it feels like home. Oh it does, Yeah,
(16:44):
it does, I hear you. That's interesting because it feels
like home to me is definitely not anything to brag about.
But we're learning to trade. We're learning to change this
pattern because it was interring. I just had a therapy session,
as I do twice a week, but we were talking
about how when I what feels like home to me
is abuse unfortunately and um and whenever I and I'm
(17:06):
trying to consciously change this part of my brain, but
it's hard because I think growing up with a not
so stable father figure and then you know, being sexually
abused and all of this, I think, what really, um,
what that meant to me? And I can see the
pattern was infidelity, abuse physically mentally, and then when a
nice person, whether it be a dance partner, when I
(17:29):
competed or whatever, would come into my life, I was
really turned off by it, um. And I think that's
because I obviously just didn't have that and I also
didn't think much of myself, which is what I'm learned
learning right now. So anyway, that's just really deep. But
but it's true. But you know, people think about, oh,
what's normal, what's normal? I mean, all of our our upbringings,
(17:52):
we have no other frame of reference. So I'm what
I was doing the Talk the Daily Talk show in
Boston on the NBC affiliate. Then we often did topics
that dealt with sexual abuse and the almost the the
generational uh nature of sexual abuse and how there would
(18:14):
be women who had been abused as as children, as
teens who got into relationships where they were continually being
abused because that that was right, It felt like home,
it was normal to them, and they made the mistake.
And this is the one thing I asked of both
my daughters. Never try to save someone, you know. That's yeah,
(18:38):
don't don't triggered, Yeah, don't, don't, ye because you know
they they've got to be willing to do the work.
You can't. You can't sacrifice your own safety and health
if they're not willing to do the work. Wow, that's
really good advice. A lot it's a lot deeper, Like
I actually have to like sit with that for a
(18:58):
little bit. But yeah, I mean I do know this intellectually,
but you're right, you can't change anybody but yourself, right,
Dan's dad. Our conversations just get deeper and deeper as
we get older. I love you so much, all right,
so we're gonna have you stick around for the question
(19:21):
of the week. Um, and we'll be right back. Sounds good.
Welcome back everybody. This is such a treat, Tom Bergeron,
I love you so much, and um, we will always
(19:42):
be in each other's lives, I think, like, actually, I mean,
I'm definitely gonna be in yours. So I forget you
if you don't want me to be too bad, I'm
your stalker for life. That's okay, Happy to have you
in that role. Great, okay, So let's move on to
the question of the week. Maybe you can answer it
first before our listeners. But how do you, I guess,
(20:03):
navigate all the ups and downs that you go through,
whether that be in your marriage and personal life or
just relationships, whether that be your relationship with Dancing with
the Stars, Like, what is it that you always come
back to at the end of the day. Oh, that's
that's a broad and good question. Um. I think that
for me, and and go back to the whole idea
(20:24):
of meditation being present, you know, being in the now
of your life. There was a moment that I think
exemplifies that. It was two thousand and eight. It was
the Emmy Awards. It was the first year that the
reality hosts were nominated for Emmy's, and so somebody thought
it would be a great idea to have the reality
(20:44):
host host the Emmy's. I thought it was a ridiculous idea.
But the Emmys were on ABC, and I was told
that everybody else had said yes, Ryan and Howie Mandel
and and and Jeff Probes. So I felt like, Okay,
I can't be the holdout because it's on my network.
(21:05):
And and it was horrible. It was we got no
support from the producer. It was just even my own
my my late father, who supported everything I did, saw
that show and the next day he said, it wasn't
your best, but here's the thing. The And the very
next day after this live public debacle, I had to
(21:28):
host the season premiere of a new season of Dancing
with the Stars. So I had Jeff probst from a survivor.
He won four in a row, and then of course
and I won in and I thanked him for not
being numbered. But but in that moment, I was also
(21:49):
in the process of writing a book at that point,
and I was standing on the stage at the end
of the Emmy's realizing how horribly it had gone. And
I and I realized in that moment, I've got an
ending for the book, because so much of the book
was really about meditation. I used us that's right of of,
(22:10):
you know, in the lotus position, but it really was
like a covert book about meditation, about being present. And
I used career anecdotes that's kind of string it along.
And I thought, what better way to prove that then
come from a career disaster on a Sunday night, shake
it off, and do a good job on a Monday night.
(22:31):
And and and Lois was very helpful in that regard
to because on that Monday morning we were before I
went to the studio, we were going to the local
Starbucks and somebody had the l a Times out in
the entertainment section. There was a picture of me and
Heidi Klum and the headline was a host of problems
(22:53):
was drinking days. But like what happened? So what was
so bad about it? It was we we didn't get
any creative support from the producer, so we were kind
of left out there, and he goes and it was
like hurting cats. It just wasn't a good idea. But
(23:15):
so I said to Lois, I said to Lois, when
I saw that headline, I said, you know, I've got
a great idea if if a dance goes badly for
a couple tonight, I'll just say, well, at Leasia didn't
have to host the Emmys. Oh my god, did you know?
Because she this is where her producer instinct kicked in.
She said, you know what, the couples are going to
be nervous tonight. Don't make it about you. And she
(23:38):
was right, and so I didn't say a word about
it until weeks later. It was a season where a
number of the stars had injuries. Remember Misty May trainer
had at like popped a c L and all the yes, yes.
So they did a montage about midway through the season
about all the injuries, and that was my opportunity to
make a joke. Came back to me. I said, I said,
(24:00):
see all these injuries, this is why I host. You
never hear about hosting injuries unless you host the Emmys.
And it got a great laugh and all that, but
it was like it was like tragedy, plus time made
it funnier. And and that first night, the premier night,
I focused on the couples and and that was great
advice and I think it it helped. And the ending
(24:22):
of the book, I put all of those horrible reviews
in there because I wanted to just kind of underscore
you know, how important meditation was to me in that
moment of public humiliation, followed by got to get back
to work. The very next thing. You have to read
your book again, because I did read it. Is it
in audible? Yeah, it's inaudible. You can hear me yeap
(24:43):
for six and a half hours or even It's also
on Amazon and on that. So okay, before we wrap here,
thank you for answering the question. So for those of
you that um can please answer the question, that would
be great, and make sure that you email us at
Broke in the Game at iHeart radio dot com or
damn us on Instagram am at Burke in the Game Again,
the question is what was the question again? Tom, go
for it. Hit it. I don't even remember if I
(25:05):
answered it correct. I said I think something about we
all go through ups and downs and relationships, whether that
be a career, relationship or personal But how do you
guys get through it? Yeah, And I would add to
the long winded answer of mine, the the essence of
that answer is that even in the midst of personal disaster,
(25:26):
there can be the seeds of growth. There can be
there can be something in there that you might not.
It's sort of like that returnal optimists who sees a
pile of ship and keeps digging, digging because there it's
got to be a pony in there somewhere. Yeah, but
I think that's important. You know, when I was standing
on that stage in the midst of what I knew
(25:46):
was going to be uh sort of a public advisceration,
I also had an ending to a book. Um, you
know I I had a better joke five weeks later
on on the Lime Dancing. So there there can be
things in trauma that can you know, can make things better, lighter.
And if I don't think if anything of the trauma
(26:10):
I went through, I wouldn't be sitting here today, right
Like I think it all. You're right, like failure doesn't
equal failure at equal success if you were to look
at it like that, exactly what great wise words of
you to share with me and my listeners. I love
you so much too, and I am let me know
when you're back home, because then I can just come
visit you face to face semantic therapist. You. You'll you'll
(26:32):
have post semantic lunch with me. Yes, all in silence.
It's really interesting. Okay. I Love you by Dance Dad
by Dance Star. Hi. Thanks for listening and coming along
this journey with me. If you like what you hear,
then feel free to give this podcast five stars. You
can also follow along with my journey on Instagram at
burke in the Game and if you have any advice
(26:54):
or want to write in, then email me at Burke
in the Game at I heart radio dot com
This is Burke in the game and I heard radio
podcast all right, here you have it part two with
my dad's dad, none other than Tom bergeron did you
think that I was ever going to be sitting here
single again? When you were at my wedding? Stop it,
tell me the truth. You said you were going to
say that, you said you were going to say it.
(00:25):
I remember thinking I would happily. I would happily go
to as many weddings as you. Tom. Well, look why no, No,
I actually want to know why. And by the way,
obviously you know me, there's nothing. I won't take anything
you say personal, yet I do want to I want
(00:46):
to learn from this. So tell me this is what
this podcast is. You you and Matthew had dated years before, right, so, uh,
you had you had some prior experience with each other
and broken up then coming back together. And look, you know,
it's it's a it's a pressure cooker environment when you're
(01:07):
living your whole life in in l A and and
uh and both of you being in the in the
public eye. So you know, it's it's sort of like
when you buy a stock, you think there's a chance
that can go up, there's a chance that can go down,
but you still make the purchase. That's how I felt
when I went to the wedding. This could be great,
this could go Oh my god, did you give it
(01:28):
a time? You were you one of those people that
were like, I gave it two years to like or something. No, no, no,
all right, but you just knew you knew this wasn't
gonna be the first and last. Well, I look, I'm
always hoping for the best, but I figured however it
played out, you you were, you would be able to handle. God.
I never thought you were gonna answer like that because
I was like, he wouldn't come all the way here
if he thought Because I don't ever get me wrong,
(01:50):
I was thinking this actually when at yours VP, I
was like, I wonder if he thinks that this is
gonna be and there you have it? Okay, great, good
to know. Now what do I need to look for
in my next So I'm not dating. I've been basically,
I haven't had sex in a year. I've been very
open with my life. Literally, it's been a year in
(02:10):
August and I'm not don't know the day. I don't
put in my calendar even though I should have. But um,
I definitely have been sexless and that's okay, and I
actually there's an empowerment there. There's also in a weird
way to say, mind you, I'm grieving, and yes it's
like a gen in the family, but there has been
a sort of empowerment feeling when you know, divorcing as well,
(02:33):
Like I think that you know, it's important for me,
like you said, to evolve, and sometimes people do that
together and sometimes people don't. And um, that's I think
basically what happened in the nutshell, right, So, and I
am really taking my time to work on me before
I even the whole world of dating. Yes it may
(02:53):
be great, and no, I'm not like texting anyone. Maybe
it'd be nice to sext or text, but I'm not
necessary really looking for that at the moment. And I
don't know about this whole dating world nowadays with dating apps,
like I kind of refused to do one. And I
know though that there are matchmakers. We had Patty Stayinger
on for Millionaire Matchmaker and she showed up. I have
(03:14):
to say one Halloween because Halloween's you know, it's really
big in Calabasas. Here on Dancy Starts, it happens every day. Yeah,
I opened the door and there's a bunch of kids
and there's Patty. She was like she was out trigger
Pett Yeah, yeahs out there. And I don't think we
(03:36):
had actually met at that point. I just seen the
show and it was like we both did the oh
you yeah, you can't miss her. No, But I do
want to say I really admire the way you've approached this.
I think that utilizing the podcast to not only navigate
(03:56):
your own journey, but also it's I think helping a
lot of people who are going through similar things and
you're you're willingness to be so candid and and uh
just to tell it like it is for you, I
think can be a very healing thing for a lot
of other people who don't have, uh, you know, the
(04:18):
ability to to mount a podcast and to yeah, I
mean it's healing for me as well selfishly, you know.
And I think that people are like, you're over sharing,
I can care less Like for me, you know, I
wish when I was younger that I had somebody that
was over sharing or that was a little bit more
transparent with what they really are going through because it
is lonely, you know, it's lonely when you feel like
(04:38):
you're alone. And I think with a lot of these
dark issues, especially mental health, I think only recently have
we started to talk about it because we had to
through this pandemic, I think. But like I really, it
gets to be very You get to be in your
thoughts a little bit more, and then you start to
define yourself by your thoughts, and then it gets dark.
It's just you fall down that rabbit hole. And I think,
(04:59):
to the people, say you're out, we're sharing. Those aren't
the people you're trying to reach anyway, clearly, you know.
I mean, of course I just fixate on all those
negative comments, but that's me. I'm working on that, but
everybody does. I mean, it's it's you know, you've got
that one person who has nine followers and and and
just as really good at vitriol and no picture, no
profile pictures, like why not, Yeah, it's like a unicorn
(05:23):
or something like that. Yeah, you're like with a bag
of Doritos and then someone calling me fat that same
person right right, Yeah, So it's you've got to kind
of I take you know. Ricky Gervais is hilarious talking
about when he blocks people and look how many followers
they have if they just trolled him and he just
you know, I love blocking people. It just brings me joy,
(05:45):
it really does. It's like at first I was like
kind of like, oh wait, no, I don't want to block.
I got really heavy about it, but now I'm just
like block from the moment you say the word even
like but whatever context you say it in, you're great,
but you were better or before, like by I cannot
wait to do it. My feeling is if if it's
something that I think this person would have had the balls,
(06:08):
and I mean that not on a gender actual ball,
if they if they would have said that to me,
if we were facing each other at a Starbucks or
something like that, then I don't I wouldn't block. If
it's a legitimate, well thought out criticism or comment, that's
one thing. If it's somebody scratching their shorts and their
parents basement, just you know, typing with their gooey fingers,
(06:29):
then that picture right now in my head is so disgusting.
I think I just threw up in my mouth. It
was intended to be Oh my god, I think it's
when I got when I got the gooey fingers that's
when I really just took it off. The the gooey
fingers reminds me of these letters I get at my
house once week from people in prison. Oh cell number.
(06:53):
I love y'all, but you gotta stop because like that,
I don't even live here. Yeah, I mean, I don't sleep.
But that's the thing, Like, it's just that is scary.
It's just it's really scary out there, Tom, in this
world I've got, I've got a homeless guy living next
door in the Hollywood Hills. How about that. He lives
underneath an Airbnb, underneath the deck, and I have to watch.
(07:17):
I'm carrying mace in my neighborhood because I he walks
by quite often with a couch on his head or
on his shoulder. Then he comes out with somebody. He
stole someone's dominoes. Then he stole someone's freaking carpet. I'm
not kidding. Like this guy is like this. He walks everywhere,
and he's this thin, and he's so strong. If he
(07:38):
can definitely not dating him, don't worry. Good, Yeah, good, Yeah,
I think it's important to have if you have the
bar set a little higher than that. So, speaking of
(07:58):
what what do you think should that consists of in
terms of you going forward? And then yeah, like for me,
my red flags now that I've learned a lot from
my past relationships, you know, or or my main three
things that I actually require. One accountability in general. I
think that's very important. Number two is trust, loyalty where
(08:22):
tourists you get it, yea. And number three is to
be able to support himself financially. That's a good one too.
But yeah, so what do you think would you like
to add to my list? Look, I I think it's important,
(08:47):
I would say, as your dance dad, since you're coming
to the next one, so might as well. Of course,
as many as you have, I'll be maybe I'll do
an East Coast one, thank you, if that would make
it easier. But I I just think you you have
to make sure that, uh, you're taking care of you
and and you're doing that and if that, if that
(09:09):
brings another person into your life on a regular or
semi regular basis great. But if it doesn't, uh, the
important thing is you're taking care of you and you're
not compromising in order to have a relationship. That's exactly
And I'm just learning. I'm just learning about boundaries for
(09:29):
the first time. And I'm also learning though to not
be see I can also see myself living like a
hermit because with the sobriety, I definitely have social phobia.
I've realized. I have to tell you, I think so
many of us have to some degree or another. This
pandemic has uh has triggered even for me. I mean,
obviously I'm a I'm a loner anyway. I but you
(09:53):
have so many friends at your favorite restaurants. It's crazy.
I've never seen it. There's anything like it. You're like, hey, Susie, Hey, memory, Yeah,
Like what the heck? You guys are like having full
long conversations. It's not just that, hey, hello, how are you?
You're like, how is your grandma? Yeah? But but by
the same token, I love the time I spend just
(10:13):
by myself. I'm quite comfortable just I don't know if
that's a tourist thing because we're both Torreans, but but
I think we're both very capable at at being comfortable
alone or or being in a partnership that is is
mutually beneficial. Yeah, and that's the key. I think. I think,
(10:34):
you know, any partnership, it's gonna be at least for
the most part fifty fifty. It can obviously vacillate based
on circumstance, but I think the set point has to
be shared. And that's the thing. It's like, uh, sometimes
you get clouded. I I did get clouded by the
fantasy and the General Hospital episode in my head, which
(10:55):
is amazing, but like it's not real. And I think
meditation going back to that has really helped me. Um,
you know what that is, right, Like, it's it's it's
a feeling that also whether it be whether if you're
going to judge it good or bad, you just need
to feel it because it just soon. Two will pass
very soon, So better than not feeling it. And I
(11:16):
think we get you know, those uncomfortable conversations about money
and um, you know, we signed a prenup and I
think that is also something I don't regret now in California.
For some reason, I feel like it doesn't matter yet
it does. But you know, I'm still going through this
process of divorce at the moment, and it's been I'm
(11:36):
not in a rush to get the brother. I'm like,
I'm not dating anyone. I'm not like trying to like
get married any type soon. Well would I yes, absolutely married,
But it's interesting, Um, do you believe in prenups? Yeah?
Oh yeah, I mean look back when Lewis and I
got married, neither one of us had anything. We're just
I think we're each making like a six eighteen thousand
a year or something like that, so it wouldn't have
(12:00):
it wouldn't have been required. But definitely I think that
it's it's it's evens the romance. But like, so does childbirth. Yeah,
so does that first fart totally, which I actually I
that's burping is one thing, but farting is another. You
can't do that, you know. Yeah, that's when you know
(12:22):
you're either with the right person or it's time to
move on. Literally, yes, yeah, but no, I definitely believe
in that. I think you have to be realistic, particularly
as you get older and you accumulate uh you know,
more property or wealth or whatever. Uh you want to
what's the old adage of all marriages fail and it
(12:44):
maybe more than that, it's a little bit higher pandemic. Yeah, yeah,
I think it's. I think it's it's only smart to
take the rose colored glasses off for a bit and
uh and have a prenup, right, So what do you
think about have sex the first date? It's fine? Yeah, yeah,
(13:05):
if it's a good first date, why not Really you
don't think that has a turn off like coming you
know you're a man obviously, but like you have also
gone through it for the last time you checked maybe, um,
a lot of people. So this was like we asked
a question because our podcast is very interactive and we
I like to hear from people, UM as far as
(13:26):
like these uncomfortable questions go. And I did ask my
last guest, I said, so, what do you think I had?
Nick Vial? He didn't, Peter, Yeah, um, he has a
very successful podcast, but he also gives advice to women,
and he actually gave pretty good advice. I must say,
um or women and men, I guess people in relationships.
And he says that he doesn't think that that's a
good idea. Okay, but I unders see I fall in
(13:50):
love when I have sex with you. So I'm just
putting it out there right now. So whoever has sex
with me, careful you are on a slippery slope. I
might obsess over you and I might even you know what,
Just get on one knee right away from the moment
right after the sex, and that is who I am
and I know, but this is let me amend my answer.
(14:13):
I think it's a horrible okay, but what I'm trying
to eventually do, and this is what Patty Stinger recommended
data Pool of Men. I'm like, oh my god, that
sounds so hard and so miserable because I'm a serial
monogamous and nowadays people are not, which is insane to me.
I'm not trying to judge it, but I just did.
(14:34):
But like they that's crazy that people can just like, honey,
I'm gonna go flirt and maybe have sex with so
and so, but I'll come home to you. That's crazy. Well,
that's that's different than I think what Patty was suggesting that.
You know, she wasn't suggesting that. I think she was saying,
you know, just enjoy yourself date and I don't know
how to do that. I don't know, Well that could
(14:56):
be uh you know, for for that could be your
next goal and how to do that? Did you did
you do that before? No? I didn't. You know you're
a serial monogo too, I think, yeah, I kind of.
I remember there was one time when I was doing
the radio show here in New Hampshire, and Lois and I,
interestingly had both come off long relationships, long gish relationships
(15:20):
that ended badly each of us and had each decided
to not get involved with anybody seriously. Um and and
so I was, I was dating a couple of people,
and then she and I met and we you know,
started dating too. But there was one night on the
(15:40):
radio show because I was on from seven to midnight,
and this gal that I had dated occasionally came to
the station surprised me, just wanted to sit and watch
the radio show while I did it. And then uh,
Lois showed up. So I had these two women in
the studio, each of whom I had been dating. Uh
(16:02):
are you having sex with them? And uh, I realized
at that moment that I just noticed how I just
glossed past out one. I noticed that moment. I I
don't I want to be with Lois, but you know,
I don't think this other person very nice person. But
(16:24):
it was just obvious to me that. So you can
just feel it? Yeah, And what does that feeling entail?
Because I'm just wondering if I've ever felt it. It's
it's I I think people in long relationships, will will
understand this reference because it doesn't sound like much of
an answer, but it feels like home. Oh it does, Yeah,
(16:44):
it does, I hear you. That's interesting because it feels
like home to me is definitely not anything to brag about.
But we're learning to trade. We're learning to change this
pattern because it was interring. I just had a therapy session,
as I do twice a week, but we were talking
about how when I what feels like home to me
is abuse unfortunately and um and whenever I and I'm
(17:06):
trying to consciously change this part of my brain, but
it's hard because I think growing up with a not
so stable father figure and then you know, being sexually
abused and all of this, I think, what really, um,
what that meant to me? And I can see the
pattern was infidelity, abuse physically mentally, and then when a
nice person, whether it be a dance partner, when I
(17:29):
competed or whatever, would come into my life, I was
really turned off by it, um. And I think that's
because I obviously just didn't have that and I also
didn't think much of myself, which is what I'm learned
learning right now. So anyway, that's just really deep. But
but it's true. But you know, people think about, oh,
what's normal, what's normal? I mean, all of our our upbringings,
(17:52):
we have no other frame of reference. So I'm what
I was doing the Talk the Daily Talk show in
Boston on the NBC affiliate. Then we often did topics
that dealt with sexual abuse and the almost the the
generational uh nature of sexual abuse and how there would
(18:14):
be women who had been abused as as children, as
teens who got into relationships where they were continually being
abused because that that was right, It felt like home,
it was normal to them, and they made the mistake.
And this is the one thing I asked of both
my daughters. Never try to save someone, you know. That's yeah,
(18:38):
don't don't triggered, Yeah, don't, don't, ye because you know
they they've got to be willing to do the work.
You can't. You can't sacrifice your own safety and health
if they're not willing to do the work. Wow, that's
really good advice. A lot it's a lot deeper, Like
I actually have to like sit with that for a
(18:58):
little bit. But yeah, I mean I do know this intellectually,
but you're right, you can't change anybody but yourself, right,
Dan's dad. Our conversations just get deeper and deeper as
we get older. I love you so much, all right,
so we're gonna have you stick around for the question
(19:21):
of the week. Um, and we'll be right back. Sounds good.
Welcome back everybody. This is such a treat, Tom Bergeron,
I love you so much, and um, we will always
(19:42):
be in each other's lives, I think, like, actually, I mean,
I'm definitely gonna be in yours. So I forget you
if you don't want me to be too bad, I'm
your stalker for life. That's okay, Happy to have you
in that role. Great, okay, So let's move on to
the question of the week. Maybe you can answer it
first before our listeners. But how do you, I guess,
(20:03):
navigate all the ups and downs that you go through,
whether that be in your marriage and personal life or
just relationships, whether that be your relationship with Dancing with
the Stars, Like, what is it that you always come
back to at the end of the day. Oh, that's
that's a broad and good question. Um. I think that
for me, and and go back to the whole idea
(20:24):
of meditation being present, you know, being in the now
of your life. There was a moment that I think
exemplifies that. It was two thousand and eight. It was
the Emmy Awards. It was the first year that the
reality hosts were nominated for Emmy's, and so somebody thought
it would be a great idea to have the reality
(20:44):
host host the Emmy's. I thought it was a ridiculous idea.
But the Emmys were on ABC, and I was told
that everybody else had said yes, Ryan and Howie Mandel
and and and Jeff Probes. So I felt like, Okay,
I can't be the holdout because it's on my network.
(21:05):
And and it was horrible. It was we got no
support from the producer. It was just even my own
my my late father, who supported everything I did, saw
that show and the next day he said, it wasn't
your best, but here's the thing. The And the very
next day after this live public debacle, I had to
(21:28):
host the season premiere of a new season of Dancing
with the Stars. So I had Jeff probst from a survivor.
He won four in a row, and then of course
and I won in and I thanked him for not
being numbered. But but in that moment, I was also
(21:49):
in the process of writing a book at that point,
and I was standing on the stage at the end
of the Emmy's realizing how horribly it had gone. And
I and I realized in that moment, I've got an
ending for the book, because so much of the book
was really about meditation. I used us that's right of of,
(22:10):
you know, in the lotus position, but it really was
like a covert book about meditation, about being present. And
I used career anecdotes that's kind of string it along.
And I thought, what better way to prove that then
come from a career disaster on a Sunday night, shake
it off, and do a good job on a Monday night.
(22:31):
And and and Lois was very helpful in that regard
to because on that Monday morning we were before I
went to the studio, we were going to the local
Starbucks and somebody had the l a Times out in
the entertainment section. There was a picture of me and
Heidi Klum and the headline was a host of problems
(22:53):
was drinking days. But like what happened? So what was
so bad about it? It was we we didn't get
any creative support from the producer, so we were kind
of left out there, and he goes and it was
like hurting cats. It just wasn't a good idea. But
(23:15):
so I said to Lois, I said to Lois, when
I saw that headline, I said, you know, I've got
a great idea if if a dance goes badly for
a couple tonight, I'll just say, well, at Leasia didn't
have to host the Emmys. Oh my god, did you know?
Because she this is where her producer instinct kicked in.
She said, you know what, the couples are going to
be nervous tonight. Don't make it about you. And she
(23:38):
was right, and so I didn't say a word about
it until weeks later. It was a season where a
number of the stars had injuries. Remember Misty May trainer
had at like popped a c L and all the yes, yes.
So they did a montage about midway through the season
about all the injuries, and that was my opportunity to
make a joke. Came back to me. I said, I said,
(24:00):
see all these injuries, this is why I host. You
never hear about hosting injuries unless you host the Emmys.
And it got a great laugh and all that, but
it was like it was like tragedy, plus time made
it funnier. And and that first night, the premier night,
I focused on the couples and and that was great
advice and I think it it helped. And the ending
(24:22):
of the book, I put all of those horrible reviews
in there because I wanted to just kind of underscore
you know, how important meditation was to me in that
moment of public humiliation, followed by got to get back
to work. The very next thing. You have to read
your book again, because I did read it. Is it
in audible? Yeah, it's inaudible. You can hear me yeap
(24:43):
for six and a half hours or even It's also
on Amazon and on that. So okay, before we wrap here,
thank you for answering the question. So for those of
you that um can please answer the question, that would
be great, and make sure that you email us at
Broke in the Game at iHeart radio dot com or
damn us on Instagram am at Burke in the Game Again,
the question is what was the question again? Tom, go
for it. Hit it. I don't even remember if I
(25:05):
answered it correct. I said I think something about we
all go through ups and downs and relationships, whether that
be a career, relationship or personal But how do you
guys get through it? Yeah, And I would add to
the long winded answer of mine, the the essence of
that answer is that even in the midst of personal disaster,
(25:26):
there can be the seeds of growth. There can be
there can be something in there that you might not.
It's sort of like that returnal optimists who sees a
pile of ship and keeps digging, digging because there it's
got to be a pony in there somewhere. Yeah, but
I think that's important. You know, when I was standing
on that stage in the midst of what I knew
(25:46):
was going to be uh sort of a public advisceration,
I also had an ending to a book. Um, you
know I I had a better joke five weeks later
on on the Lime Dancing. So there there can be
things in trauma that can you know, can make things better, lighter.
And if I don't think if anything of the trauma
(26:10):
I went through, I wouldn't be sitting here today, right
Like I think it all. You're right, like failure doesn't
equal failure at equal success if you were to look
at it like that, exactly what great wise words of
you to share with me and my listeners. I love
you so much too, and I am let me know
when you're back home, because then I can just come
visit you face to face semantic therapist. You. You'll you'll
(26:32):
have post semantic lunch with me. Yes, all in silence.
It's really interesting. Okay. I Love you by Dance Dad
by Dance Star. Hi. Thanks for listening and coming along
this journey with me. If you like what you hear,
then feel free to give this podcast five stars. You
can also follow along with my journey on Instagram at
burke in the Game and if you have any advice
(26:54):
or want to write in, then email me at Burke
in the Game at I heart radio dot com
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