Pretty Open: I'm A Christian Sexologist w/ Brittany Broaddus-Smith

What exactly is a Christian sexologist? In this episode, Eboné sits down with Brittany Broaddus-Smith to break down the misconceptions, myths, and truths behind the title. Together, they explore how faith and sexuality can coexist, why open conversations about intimacy matter in the church, and how Christian sexology helps people embrace God’s design for love, relationships, and pleasure.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Pretty Private with Ebine, a space where no
question is off limits and storylines become lifelines. The views
shared by our guests are meant to inform, entertain, and empower.
From the laughs to the lessons, Just remember, tough times
don't last, but professional homegirls do enjoy the show.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Hey, y'all, is schegar Ebine here and I hope all
is cute. Now I am joined by my professional homegirl, Brittany,
who is a Christian sexologist. Brittany teaches Christian women and
couples who embrace God's heart for sex, intimacy, and relationships.
She spent years helping people navigate the delicate balance between

(00:48):
faith and sexuality, offering guidance while staying true to her
Christian values, and she's not afraid to break taboos along
the way. So together we tackle myfs, we break down
tough questions, and just overall, we explore how faith shapes
intimacy and real life. And let me tell y'all, Brittany
did not hold back. Okay, so get ready because I

(01:11):
am a Christian sexologist starts now. All right, to my guests,
thank you so much for being on the show.

Speaker 3 (01:19):
How you doing, How you feeling well, I'm yet holding
on chat. Listen, listen, I mean bubble gum and paper clip.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
But God is good with a Bobby Pain. Okay, one
strong win in this whole house of cards is coming down. Baby.
When I tell you I have this saying, I think
I say it in front of you before, Like I
feel like I'm working like a two dollar hope, but
today I don't even have no No, I'm just a hope.
I don't have no money.

Speaker 3 (01:49):
No like it.

Speaker 2 (01:52):
It's amazing how much we push ourselves.

Speaker 4 (01:55):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, And that's exactly what it feels like.
It feels like every day is a push, like this
last weekend has been joy and all of that, but
I feel like it's that thing. Like this weekend, I
didn't feel like I had to push, Like I got
up because I wanted to.

Speaker 3 (02:11):
I went to where I was going because I ate
because I wanted to. Yeah, but today I had to Yeah,
Oh my god.

Speaker 2 (02:22):
Well, I am super excited to have you on the show, Brittany,
But you know, we gotta tell our infamous story about
how we met. Got to give a shout out to
d Ashley J. Hobbs, and then we gotta tell the
infamous holiday story. You want to start it off, Okay,
let me start off, then you chime in.

Speaker 3 (02:41):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (02:41):
So Ashley and I she's one of my dearest friends,
one of my best friends. We do these little day
trips within the tri state area. So we was like, hey,
let's just go to Philly. But on the way to Philly,
she was like, Hey, I want you to meet my homegirl,
who was our lovely guests, Brittany. And I'm like, all right, cool,
because you know, I'm a girl's girl. I like to
key can and have a good time. So we drilled Philly,

(03:02):
we pick up Bringy and we just clicked. And this
is how I discovered that she was or she is
a Christian Texologist. But in the midst of us just
clicking whatever. We go to this what was.

Speaker 3 (03:12):
Like a body oil. She's like it was a Muslim
like body care cream, body oil, you say? And we
were in. Then we went there.

Speaker 4 (03:22):
It's two stores to the one side of your body's creamed,
your body scrubs, your lotions, walking around there have make it.

Speaker 3 (03:28):
Joe's having fun service. But that's here, It's all right,
it's all right.

Speaker 2 (03:34):
But then we go across the street the best customer service.

Speaker 4 (03:37):
That right, wonderful, wonderful black woman. That was amazing.

Speaker 3 (03:41):
And you know you were you were looking for.

Speaker 4 (03:43):
Candles or was there act I was looking for candles, right,
and okay, Evan.

Speaker 3 (03:46):
They was looking for candles. So we went across. They said, oh,
they got a cross street. So we went across the street.
Florida ceiling body oil.

Speaker 2 (03:52):
And we were nowhere in sight.

Speaker 4 (03:55):
Yeah, they had two candles that smelled like the jars
that they were in, right, and we're not gonna, we
don't need this, but they.

Speaker 3 (04:02):
Had Florida ceiling body oils.

Speaker 4 (04:04):
And that lady had to climb up and down on
the ladder, was doing all things.

Speaker 3 (04:10):
But she was wonderful.

Speaker 4 (04:11):
She was so kind, she was patient, life, giving us
life advice, all kinds.

Speaker 3 (04:16):
We have no kids.

Speaker 4 (04:17):
She's like got that line, you know, giving us the
hook up, you know, right, joy, like just excitement, right,
and this all the way out the door.

Speaker 2 (04:27):
But wait before before Britdany say this. The only reason
why I said this, y'all is because we were just
key kidding so much with her, Like I felt like
she was our homegirl, like that with somebody that works
in the story, like you just have to buy something,
and I was like, fuck it, let me just buy
this body oil because I actually really like it. Brittany
has it as well. But she was just so nice.

(04:48):
So as we walking out, Brittany.

Speaker 3 (04:51):
It was good.

Speaker 2 (04:51):
It was one of those things like you know, you
leave and you leave a farewell like.

Speaker 4 (04:55):
A salutation as one does. But again, this is Germantown.

Speaker 3 (05:00):
North Philly. If you're familiar with Philly, we.

Speaker 4 (05:03):
Are very the black Islamic community is he just was
an Islamic oil store. So our good girlfriend was fully guarbed,
you know, sis was this was she was our Muslim sister.

Speaker 3 (05:18):
She was on the way.

Speaker 4 (05:19):
Out the door, our beautiful, lovely host. Abey says to
the lady, yo, goodbye. See We're like bye see.

Speaker 2 (05:27):
Ebaney says, oh, enjoy your holiday or have a good holiday.

Speaker 3 (05:32):
And if the lady's going to say thank you, Ebane says,
oh wait, never mind.

Speaker 4 (05:39):
And me and actually all turn around and look, and
then the cashier stopped.

Speaker 3 (05:45):
She was like it's fine, it's okay, like she was
used to it. And me asked, look at eBay, like
why would you say that? Why would baby? I last?

Speaker 4 (05:55):
Every time I think about it, I cackles, because why
would you tell that?

Speaker 3 (05:58):
Lady? Never mind?

Speaker 2 (05:59):
Please watched the YouTube video, y'all, because the way I
am crying this story gets me in tears every every time,
because why would you say, first of all, first of all.

Speaker 3 (06:09):
The thing that blew me is it's what was it? August?
It was August?

Speaker 4 (06:15):
So exactly what holiday were you.

Speaker 3 (06:20):
To my de fish? Y'all?

Speaker 2 (06:21):
Okay, so y'all know i'd be busting my ass right.
So I don't get a lot of time, or I
don't get many opportunities where I can just be completely off,
like I don't have to think. I can just be ebine.
But I don't have to be the podcast. I ain't
gotta be an entrepreneur. I ain't gotta be a two
dollars hole. So when I get to just simply be
ebene or a little nay nay, my brain is gone.
And I think my brain was frieda already because I
was up. I pulled it all night at working the

(06:42):
night before. So in my mind, the reason why I
said that because I'm not gonna see her no time soon,
probably till the next time we do another day trip
in which you're coming to us. So I'm like, I
know we're not gonna see her no time soon. So
I'm just saying, like, you know, have a good holiday,
like because she was just so nice.

Speaker 4 (06:58):
But then when my brain her on in August with
the next holiday is Labor Day, which nobody tells anybody
to enjoy their holidays.

Speaker 2 (07:08):
I was thinking about Christmas and Thanksgiving? I know, or
am I an advance?

Speaker 3 (07:14):
It's so many, so many problems, I know, But then
I didn't you take it back?

Speaker 2 (07:27):
But I'm glad my sister knew where I was coming
from because she was like, that's okay.

Speaker 3 (07:30):
It screat I was like I was all the time.
She probably so nice, y'all.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
But that's when I knew. Me and Brittany, that was
my bringing my dog, y'all, like we we like this.

Speaker 4 (07:42):
We locked in because maybe that when I tell you
if I need a good cackle, oh man, I'm gonna
think about I'm gonna.

Speaker 3 (07:49):
Think about that.

Speaker 4 (07:50):
And it stuck that, you know, the jets to holidays.

Speaker 2 (07:54):
Nothing not that holiday, okay, baby, Oh that was perfect.
That's yo, dead ass, That's exactly what it was. The
Ebey holiday, Eby holiday.

Speaker 4 (08:10):
Because I was and I was sitting there like what holiday,
what Labor Day?

Speaker 2 (08:16):
She was like, come on, friend, let's go. It was
actually agree, Oh god, you gotta be messing my last shell. No, y'all,
this is how I'm so excited they have Britnane on
because you know, throughout the entire time we spent with
each other, like, I really enjoyed your company, Like we

(08:40):
were just talking about so many things. And then, as
y'all know, I've been reading my Bible and trying to
get really acquainted with the words. So just having a
conversation with Brittany and her being able to break things
down that was just so digestible. It was just such
a break for fresh air. So I really appreciate you
being a part of Ebday holiday that way.

Speaker 3 (09:00):
I need that on a T shirt for like a
slumber partist, I know.

Speaker 2 (09:04):
And we actually having this slimer party really, so so
I should do that. We' just surprised. Actually, she'll be
cracking up.

Speaker 3 (09:09):
Oh yeah, yes, nothing, definitely. Yes.

Speaker 2 (09:15):
Now, when you told me that you were a Christian,
I don't know if you told me or actually told
me that she was a Christian sexologist. I think yeah,
And then I think, I mean, you start talking more
about it. But when you tell people about your profession,
like what are some of the things that you normally hear?
Because like I was like, what is that? And I
was so intrigued.

Speaker 4 (09:32):
I mean, your reaction is the typical reaction that I get,
because I think we were in the car and she
was like, oh, she's a Christian sexologist and you was like,
oh what, and I was like, yep, yep, that's what
I and I get that that people are whether I
say Christian sexologists, sometimes I just say sexologists and then
people are like huh, like not sure if they heard
me right, and then they'd be like what's that after

(09:54):
I clear up that I didn't say psychologists, and then
I say and then I'm like, you know, well, technically
I'm a Christian sexologists, so most of my work are
with and they're like huh. Like somebody on TikTok just
yesterday was like, you can be a Christian and a sexologist.

Speaker 3 (10:09):
I was like, you sure can't. Girlfriend, And so it
really is.

Speaker 4 (10:13):
Just one of those things where first and foremost, the
concept of being a sex out or just the field
of sexology.

Speaker 3 (10:19):
Is just so unfamiliar to many people.

Speaker 4 (10:21):
So it really is just from an education standpoint of
just what the field is in general, and then how
my niche is allowable, like how is the such thing
that you can be Christian and a sexologist, and really
just breaking it down, like what it means, what I do,
the work that I do, who I work with. And
then some folks, you know, like you are even more intrigued,

(10:42):
will want to know what's the reception been, Like how
do I you know, how do I navigate that? How
did I come to this conclusion that this is what
I want to do. The people are after they get
over the initial shock, they are typically really really inquisitive.

Speaker 2 (10:56):
Have you received I'm pretty sure you have, like any
pushback of criticism, not lately, you know, you know, by
God's grace, missgirl, been in the field for a little
bit on my names.

Speaker 3 (11:08):
Do numbers out here in this you know? You know,
like you know, I've.

Speaker 4 (11:17):
Been successful in the field on social media, I've had
a lot of visibility, so I don't get much pushback
within the I've been blessed to create a community our
intimacy insiders my call my girlfriends, so.

Speaker 3 (11:33):
They really are supportive of me.

Speaker 4 (11:34):
And anytime somebody says something all for untowards or like
if something goes viral, typically I can when it goes viral,
like beyond a certain point and it starts to reach
people who don't know who I am, sometime never heard
of the time who never heard of me, who don't
who aren't really aware of my statement of faith, like

(11:56):
my foundational principles. Then I sometimes feel push back there.
But then the community that we've created, they're very supportive,
very protective.

Speaker 3 (12:04):
They don't pay, they don't play about me.

Speaker 4 (12:06):
But when I first started, there was a lot of
pushback that was I want to say a lot a
lot as relative, but there was pushback that was rooted
in ignorance because they did not just that idea of
sexology or even really I think because I don't think
they even really know what sexology is, just the concept
of Christian and sex being in the same thing, and

(12:29):
if they've reduced it to being a sex teacher, like
how are you teaching people about sex as a Christian?
So there was some of those some of that pushback
of like how are you able to do this? And
then when I went public with my divorce, there was
some concern about me speaking about sex as a woman

(12:50):
without a husband and that type of thing, or as
a single person in general. But that was I would
say that was the intimacy for my started in twenty sixteen,
so I say the first two or three years were
like that, but around from twenty nineteen one, it's been
like just an upward trajectory and I haven't had much
I haven't had much issue there. But I think I've

(13:12):
been intentional about being clear about what I believe in,
and I no longer.

Speaker 3 (13:19):
Work to convince people that I'm allowed to do what
I do.

Speaker 4 (13:23):
I no longer if you come to my page and
you say something crazy, you.

Speaker 3 (13:28):
Know, everyone, I'll try to engage, you know. I like
the open discourse. I'm not expecting everybody to agree with me.

Speaker 4 (13:34):
But after a while it gets to the point like, oh,
you must be new here, and then you know, and
then I give it my response to going but it's
only you'll get about two or three.

Speaker 2 (13:42):
Before ian me because I just don't respond because if
I respond, it ain't.

Speaker 3 (13:50):
Gonna land right the thing.

Speaker 4 (13:52):
And I'm typically that one because I when people say,
oh I don't have time, I have time. And even
when I don't have time, I make time. I am
definitely one of those ones like you know, when in
college you had to do the discussion posts I'm gonna go.

Speaker 3 (14:05):
Back and forth one of them.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
I was ready to fight.

Speaker 3 (14:11):
Yeah, I did, mean too.

Speaker 4 (14:12):
But I got to the place where every I the Lord,
my time with the Lord, my growth, and the Lord
has every interaction. It's an opportunity for evangelism and not
to be super deep.

Speaker 3 (14:22):
But like if.

Speaker 2 (14:23):
I show, you know, like if I.

Speaker 4 (14:27):
Jump off and pop off every time somebody pushes back,
then I'm not really you know, showing forth the gospel,
which is what I say that my work is staying.
And I say that I you know, I go ye there,
for this is my great commission. I'm spreading the gospel,
the good News of Jesus Christ, through the medium of

(14:48):
sex education. So the first time somebody says, hey, why
are you doing this, Why are you saying this? This
is not golly, and I respond with, you know, defense
as opposed to education, then I'm not really doing what
God called me to do, because he called me to
be that shining light in darkness, and darkness is responding darkness, ignorance,
all of those things is responding in the way that

(15:09):
ignorance and darkness does, so I have my responsibility to
respond with light and education. And then if that doesn't work,
I'm gonna leave you where you are. Because some plant,
some water is God who gets to increase. And if
you can't hear it, then you're not some plants some water.
It's God who gives the increase. In Scripture talks about
like everybody that you encounter, you're not gonna win them

(15:31):
every single time on that that first try, and they
take you how to cultivate their land a little bit
and then for a sum. You're not my person to win.
You're not the person that I'm called to. And I'm
not gonna waste my energy on somebody I'm not called to.
When somebody who I am called to needs me, And
if I taint my witness, if I get war out,
if I if my carboral tunnels start acting up because

(15:53):
I'm because I'm here right all.

Speaker 3 (15:55):
Day, the girlfriend actually needs me.

Speaker 4 (16:00):
Now, I'm like, all my risk is hurting and I'm
giving her less than what I could have if I
wouldn't have not spent, you know, went down in the dumps.
Schricial talks about you know, you can't catch your pearls
before swine. And I'm not suggesting that people who don't
agree with me are swine, but the reality of it is,
there are some people who are so stuck in their
beliefs and I refuse to If you are a person

(16:21):
who feels like your opinion trumps my expertise.

Speaker 3 (16:25):
Then I'm gonna let you live in the delusion that
you came here.

Speaker 2 (16:28):
In, right right, come on, now, that's what I'm talking about.
That's how I know God's still working on me. I
gotta grow up, man, Because I saw somebody says some
crazy shit underneath my post for my podcast. Now, I
was like, let me just log off.

Speaker 3 (16:43):
It gets like that I've been it's they do be bol.
They do b bol and that's why, like my so
I'll start with, oh, you must be new here.

Speaker 4 (16:52):
If I say you must be new here, that's the
that's the height of my holy spirit.

Speaker 3 (16:57):
You must be new here is as far as where
my holy spirit. That's where I've recent limit. And I'm like, okay, God,
you got to fill in.

Speaker 4 (17:02):
But then there have been times where I've had to
make reaction videos and then I said one to the
groups ext the other day and I'm like, does this.

Speaker 3 (17:09):
Come is this coming off as nice nasty?

Speaker 2 (17:14):
Because one of them we were talking about soul sides.
I made a post about soul side.

Speaker 4 (17:20):
And we know that the controversy around using the term
and this, that and the other. And it was a
white lady who came in the comments and was like.

Speaker 2 (17:26):
Where is.

Speaker 3 (17:28):
And okay in the Bible and no, you weren't.

Speaker 2 (17:32):
She wasn't asking for education, she wasn't really trying to
be inquisitive.

Speaker 3 (17:35):
She was trying to be funny.

Speaker 4 (17:36):
And so I met her energy with niceness and education,
and I got on her level and was like, okay,
you want to let's you want to go Bible, Let's
do that because I can do that.

Speaker 3 (17:48):
And and I left it.

Speaker 4 (17:50):
I left it, but I will I've made to date,
I've been doing this ten almost so to date, I've
only made two response videos one time and once of
this men I was what was I talking about? I
was talking about how Christian men aren't as good as
good in bed as they think they are. And one

(18:14):
of the statements I had said something about every day
you're a wild.

Speaker 2 (18:18):
Girl saying some shit like that.

Speaker 3 (18:21):
It's the it's the truth.

Speaker 4 (18:23):
But I said, I was like, every day I work
with a wife who has had some issue with you know,
da dad, that's what in a statement.

Speaker 3 (18:30):
And so in the comments, he.

Speaker 4 (18:32):
Was like, oh, every day you work with somebody, Sure
you do. I have a lot of sex professionals in
my life, and I guarantee you that you don't do
da da da. And so I don't know that if
your audience are chronically online like I am. But you
remember the girl, this girl maybe two or three years ago,
she made his response video to this guy named Jay

(18:53):
who says something smart about a black woman. And she
went on his page and like read him fulfilled and
made a video, pulled up all his pictures. You don't
oh his choke, black black air Forces, and.

Speaker 3 (19:07):
She was like, come on, Jay, are these your sneakers?

Speaker 2 (19:10):
Jay?

Speaker 3 (19:11):
And we're talking about people, Jay.

Speaker 4 (19:14):
So I channeled her and like I said, I said, oh, sir,
you must be new here.

Speaker 3 (19:20):
And because yes, I am.

Speaker 4 (19:22):
A Christian sexologist, the number one Christian sexologists actually if
you google me, and I love that you have that
support system. But when I say every day, I mean
that because this is my job, and I mean every
working day. So maybe let me correct myself. Not every
single day because I don't have to work seven days
a week to feed my kids.

Speaker 3 (19:39):
I understand how that could be confusing for you and so,
but I only had to do that once. I only
had to do that once. I only had to do
that once.

Speaker 4 (19:47):
But for the most part to the question about the pushback,
I did get some in the beginning, and it was
really people just not understanding. I lost the contract because
people said the church said there's no such thing as
a Christian sexologist, and.

Speaker 3 (20:00):
They didn't like that I used the word partner.

Speaker 4 (20:04):
Instead of spouse, and that I didn't have like a staunch,
flat out anti LGBTQ stance on my page and things
like that.

Speaker 3 (20:14):
But a month or so later they spun a block
and you know, got back up.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
But they just want to ask you, wasn't you was
saying that Christian men maybe might not be the best lovers.
Who do you think is Muslim men?

Speaker 4 (20:27):
You know, I really, honestly and truly, men in general
aren't as good as they think they are.

Speaker 3 (20:36):
Men. Let me let me let me specify, men who
have sex with.

Speaker 4 (20:39):
Women are not as good as they say they are,
and they can't be not as good of a lover,
and the problem. The distinction in that is some people
think that having good sexual skill makes you a good lover,
and men who have sex with women are not as
good lovers as they think they are because women, because

(21:00):
women who have sex with men, heterosexual women who desire
to have sex with men, experience orgasms at the lowest
rate the orgasm gapon right, we're at about fifty six
or so, sixty or so percent of orgasms for every
sexual encounter to men's almost like ninety plus percent.

Speaker 3 (21:20):
And so if that, if I'm having sex with you
and you're right, and I'm only at sixty.

Speaker 4 (21:27):
One of us, it's not doing the thing that we're
supposed to do. And what it is is not that
the stroke you know, stroke isn't good like the you know,
oral sex isn't that skill.

Speaker 3 (21:38):
What it is is they're not good lovers, which is
more cultural than it is behavioral, Like you don't they
don't have knowledge of anatomy. They're not taking their time.
They're actually a little bit selfish.

Speaker 4 (21:52):
They're they ground their thoughts in words like I'm a pleaser.
Pleasers are selfish, Pleasers are real That falls under the
umbrella of perfectionism, which is actually falls under the umbrella
of shame, which is which makes your partner's pleasure about
you because you're a pleaser because you want the accolades

(22:13):
of having accomplished something, not because you genuinely want that
partner feel good.

Speaker 2 (22:21):
Damn, that's how you had Atlanta's playing baby. What's up, y'all?
It's shagarl ebn A here, and be sure to follow
me on Instagram and TikTok at pretty private podcasts, and
don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel at the
Professional Homegirl. Now let's get back to the show. But

(22:44):
it makes sense because a lot of times people people
brag about how good they are and they are pleased.
It's like, you're doing it for yourself. You're not doing
it for your partner.

Speaker 4 (22:50):
Yeah yeah, oh I'm I'm I get my shorty. You know,
I want her climax four times before I even get started.

Speaker 3 (22:57):
You're doing that?

Speaker 4 (22:58):
Did she say she wanted that? I'm that she may
not turn it down.

Speaker 3 (23:01):
Who's gonna turn for it?

Speaker 2 (23:03):
Right?

Speaker 4 (23:05):
But here's but also after for I hope you're not
expecting any type of shared activity after that, because.

Speaker 2 (23:12):
She tapped out, baby, I'm like, don't touch me.

Speaker 3 (23:15):
I'm done, okay that that you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (23:19):
So when you get in that mindset, that's because and unfortunately, child,
this is this is watch this be the piece that
go viral.

Speaker 3 (23:24):
Everybody's gonna be talking about this.

Speaker 2 (23:26):
Unfortunately, the way men have sex is for other men.
M You're not doing it for you're a partner. You're
doing it for accolades.

Speaker 4 (23:36):
You're doing it for the person and maybe not just
other men, but you're having sex with that woman in
that way for the person that may hear about it afterwards.

Speaker 2 (23:46):
Facts, Facts, did y'all know? Niggas be pillow talking?

Speaker 4 (23:53):
And then what they want they want their what they
want their women to pill talk. They want to be
able to say at the barbershop, or I had her
doing this, this, this, that and the other thing. And
a good partner, whether it's six climaxes or no climax
at all, it is whatever established between the two of
you that says this is what I like, this is
what feels good, this is what I'm in the move

(24:15):
for at this moment, and that is enough. Even if
it doesn't end in climax, it's still okay. For when
sex doesn't end in climax for men and women.

Speaker 3 (24:25):
That's an ego hit. It's an embarrassment.

Speaker 4 (24:27):
Again, the shame comes in sometimes because it says I'm
not good enough because my body is not responding typically
or the way it is supposed to. But the performance
anxiety that comes with requiring a climax.

Speaker 2 (24:42):
Yeah, a lot of people don't know how to have sex,
have good sex at.

Speaker 3 (24:45):
That that part, that part I think people.

Speaker 4 (24:49):
I think more people know how to have sex than
they know how to have good sex. But even that,
we are taught what sex is, barely, but we're not
taught how to We are not taught the mechanics of sex.
Despite popular belief what politics and other more other folks
who are anti sex education would have you to believe.
Sex ed is not sexual mechanics. Sex Ed is not

(25:10):
the what goes where. Sex Ed is the anatomy and physiology.
It's health and wellness. It's not breathed through your nose
so that you can, you know, take more in.

Speaker 2 (25:24):
Right, right, right, So let's start from the very beginning.
Do you remember the very first conversation you had about
sex growing up and what was that like for you?
The very first I had I could say I had
pretty good sex ed.

Speaker 3 (25:44):
I went to a boarding school and Miss shot out
to Miss Jones.

Speaker 4 (25:48):
She was, you know, my lady gym teacher she had.
We were at a boarding school with a lot of
African inner city African American kids in Scotland, PA, near Harris,
and she was like, I'm not about to be selling
y'all no dream.

Speaker 3 (26:04):
I'm gonna tell y'all what it really is.

Speaker 4 (26:05):
So I appreciated that as far as and then there
were some experiences of like inappropriate sexual experiences prior to
as a child, prior to that, but the first like
intentional sexual conversation I had was actually the night the
morning after I had my sexual initiation, after I had
sex for the first time.

Speaker 3 (26:27):
My mom said at that I was in college, mind you, and.

Speaker 2 (26:30):
She was like when I was in college too, and
she was like.

Speaker 4 (26:34):
Either you come home by twelve o'clock, where you find
somewhere else to stay. So that Friday night I was like,
oh Mom, I'm not gonna be home by twelve, and
I got somewhere else to stay, which was the hotel.
And then Saturday morning, after it was all said and done,
Saturday morning, he brought me home.

Speaker 3 (26:51):
We went to I met her at the hair store.
We were at.

Speaker 4 (26:54):
The register of the hair store. She was buying her
new wigs. She looked at me and said, oh.

Speaker 2 (26:58):
So she looked at you.

Speaker 3 (27:00):
To me, she said you nasty. And that was it.

Speaker 4 (27:02):
That was That was the first and only conversation my
mother and I have ever ever had about sex. And
then when I became a sexologist. For the first two
or three years she told people I was a psychologist,
and then I had about maybe.

Speaker 2 (27:20):
She said she maybe probably was like didn't understand the
term out the term, or she was embarrassed.

Speaker 4 (27:25):
I don't think that she didn't understand the term not
maybe not embarrassing, because my.

Speaker 3 (27:29):
Mother wasn't she.

Speaker 4 (27:30):
If you think I'm ridiculous, she was the most ridiculous
woman you would ever meet in your inn.

Speaker 2 (27:38):
I wish, Oh my god, Oh it's.

Speaker 4 (27:44):
So it was odd that she did that because she
doesn't She didn't embarrass easily, and there wasn't really much
shame in anything that she did, So it was interesting
that she took that perspective for a while. I think
it was more like she didn't understand it to be
able to expound on it, and so it was easier

(28:05):
to just say psychologists, because then to stop people from
asking questions that she wouldn't.

Speaker 3 (28:10):
Necessarily be able to answer.

Speaker 4 (28:13):
I don't think that she had any shame about it,
because she used to say she used to strut like
a peacock when either me or my sister did.

Speaker 3 (28:21):
Anything good, anything notable. So I don't think it was that.

Speaker 4 (28:26):
I just think that she was a politic or she
was always out shaking hands and kissing babies, and she
liked to prepare for those type of things, and I
don't think that she had the depth of to really
be able to have that conversation. And so her daughter
getting ready to be a doctor and a psychologist.

Speaker 3 (28:42):
Just made more sense. It just made more sense.

Speaker 2 (28:45):
So, yeah, so you've been in this, you've been in
your career for almost ten years. So when you look
back on your upbringer, is there anything that you had
to unlearn about sex?

Speaker 4 (28:56):
No, Honestly, I mean I don't think that I had
to unlearned about myself as a sexual being in a
more like healing and wholeness and like self esteem type
of way. But I truly believe, again not getting super deep,
but like because I.

Speaker 2 (29:14):
Know, do you know, I like to go deep, baby, okay,
like I've never I'm not. I'm not the type of
Christian of it, Like oh, I heard the law say,
I want let me rephrase that. I wasn't for a
long time the type of Christian they'll be, Like, oh,
I heard the law say, you know, the Holy Spirit
told me that I didn't experience God like that at
the time. But when I taught my first Sunday school,

(29:36):
it was called Sex and Salvation and it was a
joint single and married Sunday school. I was about a
year or about six months into my second math my
human sexuality master's degree program. And after come on now,
after it was done, one of the elders at the
church was like, baby, girl, this was good. I knew
it was gonna be good, but next time, can we

(29:56):
do it in a fellowship PLL. I don't know how
I feel about this being in the sanctuary, And it
was I if I ever heard the audible voice of God,
it was at that moment, and he said, this is it,
and this is why, up until that point, I was
going to do sex therapy in the safety and anonymity
of therapy in you know.

Speaker 3 (30:15):
Room quiet secret.

Speaker 4 (30:17):
Nobody was going to know that we were client you know,
HIPO violations, was going to protect it and all that.
But then the Lord says, no, I want you. I
want you on microphones, I want you on TV. I
want you on stages talking about this. I want you
to take the cloak and the darkness out of this conversation.
I want people to know that this is a kind
of effect that right exactly, And so that means I

(30:40):
needed to do it in public.

Speaker 3 (30:42):
And so.

Speaker 4 (30:44):
It was the soving hearing the Lord say that I
know that this is my calling. And because it's my calling,
I feel like my upbringing was set up such that
I could do this work.

Speaker 3 (31:01):
Like I did.

Speaker 4 (31:01):
I don't have, like I didn't have a lot of
even growing up Christian, a lot of the like sexual
hang ups that many Christians did, like I didn't have,
Like I wasn't really that impacted by purity culture. I
didn't have like amount of shames of my body either.
But what I mean, like I didn't have, you know I
had There was one time I was, you know, I'll

(31:21):
get got up to like like a three ten and
I was like, hold on, now, wait three hundred and
ten pounds.

Speaker 3 (31:28):
Yes, really, Well, Mama was built for a talk.

Speaker 4 (31:32):
For a while, and so I had so I struggled
a bit there in my marriage. But just like overall,
a lot of the stuff that I work with my
clients through I never experienced. And I think that that
was in I think that was intentional. But there are pieces,
like I said, of my self esteem, feeling worthy, making
compromising decisions.

Speaker 3 (31:55):
Knowing that I should be abstaining, but like it was hard,
you know, missing the mark, messing the mark her and there.

Speaker 4 (32:04):
I've had those experiences, so I can walk through, you know,
you know, dust yourself off and try again.

Speaker 3 (32:11):
Yeah, we fall down, but we get up.

Speaker 2 (32:14):
You know.

Speaker 3 (32:14):
I can do that.

Speaker 4 (32:15):
But as far as the like oh please don't look
at me, I don't like a lot of that like
shame stuff.

Speaker 3 (32:23):
I didn't. I didn't have that thing. But I think
it's not that I'm better.

Speaker 4 (32:26):
I think it's just it's intentional because of what I
was called to. And I think the other separating part
is that my mother she was only saved, she was
only living saved for like three years. But I kept
going so I didn't have like so I wasn't surrounded
by it.

Speaker 3 (32:45):
I actually had to like seek out.

Speaker 4 (32:48):
Christian community, so It wasn't like I was seek in
that culture in the way that some of my you know,
are millennial counterparts, right, So I think I was actually
like spared and set aside so that I could do
this work.

Speaker 2 (33:01):
So what inspired you to concentrate on sexual wellness from
a Christian perspective? Like, how did you get to this point?

Speaker 3 (33:08):
You know? The Lord that day?

Speaker 4 (33:11):
Because I, first of all, I was going to school
to be a lawyer. I guess my major in Millersville
was political science.

Speaker 2 (33:18):
I can see that at school.

Speaker 4 (33:20):
I was going to be I object badgering the witness,
cross examining it in my lubatonts.

Speaker 3 (33:26):
That that was me.

Speaker 4 (33:27):
I didn't have no marriage goals. I didn't want to
have no kids. I was just going to be Johnny Cochran,
who John Carroll Clayton, Yes, come on, John, that was.

Speaker 3 (33:37):
Yeah, okay, that was what it was going to be.

Speaker 4 (33:39):
But when I first went to college with the Millersville
University in Lancolnster, Pennsylvania. The first class, that man bought
me to tears like American politics or American history one
on one whatever it was.

Speaker 3 (33:52):
He boored me two tears and I was like, I
can't do this for four years.

Speaker 4 (33:55):
So I switched to psychology, thinking learning the human brain
would make me a better litigator, Like I would be
a better cross examiner if I.

Speaker 3 (34:03):
Can get inside the mind of the of the person.

Speaker 4 (34:07):
And I took a course in abnormal psychology and I
was like, oh, I could work with the you know,
the people who you know need a little more support
up here, like I was.

Speaker 3 (34:14):
I was, I was, you know, I had it all playing.

Speaker 2 (34:17):
But as young Doug let's say, he said, his brain
don't function like ours.

Speaker 3 (34:23):
Yet the people who brain on functions like everybody.

Speaker 4 (34:25):
Yes, that's what I was going to be able to
do right but then slowly, but just a series of
just small pivots. So from psychology, I got my master's
in social work, thinking that that was going to be
the shortcut to my terminal degree. But then and my master's,
I was like, I learned about couple's work and I
was like, well, I really love like this idea, like
the case studies of couples. Drama was just so it

(34:48):
was like watching TV. And then I was like, oh,
Christian couples. And then my my internship professor was like,
if you do couples work, He was like I pray
for you, was like, and don't let them have sex.

Speaker 3 (35:01):
Issues because that's a whole other specialty. And I was like,
is it now?

Speaker 4 (35:05):
Then my research found my second master's program and then
just like again like slowly but surely, and then eventually
got to the place where I'm not just gonna do
couples work. I'm gonna do sex therapy and not just
sex therapy, Christian sex therapy. And then then I realized
I don't want to do therapy at all, because God has.

Speaker 3 (35:22):
Called me to teach. And it was just like I said, it.

Speaker 4 (35:25):
Was just a series of pivots that you know, And
I think that that's just how God works with me anyway,
Like he he nudges me until I'm like, oh, okay,
we're here.

Speaker 3 (35:38):
We're here now, like.

Speaker 4 (35:39):
He he doesn't just yank me. Yeah, And then and
there are lessons learned in east thing because I need
to know He knows how my brain works, like I
need to understand like some things, my faith still requires
me to go and even if it doesn't make sense,
but I.

Speaker 3 (35:57):
Need a little piece of something to make it, you know,
to make it make sense. And so that's how we
got here.

Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, So how would you define a healthy sexual relationship
within the Christian framework? A healthy sexual relationship can put
through the mattress.

Speaker 4 (36:14):
Still you can, as long as it's consensual, as long
as it is equitable, as long as it is mutually honoring.
Sex and in front of a Christian perspective is designed
to be holy, relational, and covenant on. So if you
and your partner are understanding that the bodies that you

(36:36):
are using when you think about leaving and cleaving and
becoming one flesh, the sexual component is part of it,
and you rest in the idea that sex is not dirty.
Sex is not something that you know, God just happens
to turn his back on because y'all are married. No,
this was part of the original design, as is the
pleasure that comes that comes with it. Robert says, we're

(37:00):
re joice in a wife of your youth. May her
breast satisfy you always, May you be ever intoxicated with
her love. And when we look at the original Hebrew,
that word intoxicate is where we have the principles and
understanding of our current word erotic.

Speaker 3 (37:13):
So if don't just do it, do it well and
feel good about it.

Speaker 4 (37:17):
And when we know and Proverbs is wisdom literature, and
they were in that passage that we're talking about as husbands,
like you don't got to go out in the streets
and you know, run them up with the with the
nir dwells and the vagabonds out there.

Speaker 3 (37:30):
If you want to get busy and you want to
have you got it.

Speaker 4 (37:35):
Rejoicing the wife of your youth, May her brest satisfy
you always.

Speaker 3 (37:40):
And you know just how breasts work.

Speaker 4 (37:42):
If he has taken pleasure in my breast the way
arising the zones work, then I am also pleased by
the pleasure that he is taking. And that's the mutuality,
you know, of.

Speaker 3 (37:53):
It, of it all.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
And there's this this willing women in the Bible is
having on kids.

Speaker 3 (37:58):
Y'alls, so many kids.

Speaker 4 (38:01):
And then this idea of like service to right like
people get a lot of times, people who are INSI
Bible or not Christian get get caught up in Corinthians
when it talks about your body not being your own,
and that doesn't sidestep consent. Actually, Paul was talking to
a group warning him against using sex as manipulation.

Speaker 3 (38:21):
And you it's not like a quid pro cail.

Speaker 4 (38:23):
You're not gonna withhold so that you can get what
you want, Like, oh, I'm not gonna give you none
because you ain't go to my boss's Christmas party with me,
or you have none, or I'm not going to change
ther door knobs because you ain't give me No, you
ain't even know here the other.

Speaker 3 (38:36):
Night like those. That's not what sex.

Speaker 4 (38:38):
Sex was a gift that is given to you, so
you don't get to pick and choose and use it
as a weapon for your.

Speaker 3 (38:43):
Own you know, for your own benefit benefit.

Speaker 4 (38:47):
Yeah, exactly, So if you're understanding what it was designed for,
and you go in and from a method, from an
concept of servitude, like in service to your partner as
well as your union. And I personally believe that a
sexually excellent marriage bed wages war against the enemy and
pleasure is our greatest weapon against the devil and his

(39:09):
attack on marriages.

Speaker 3 (39:11):
So you know, orgasms are.

Speaker 2 (39:13):
Plenty, okay, and even and I know we talked, we
talked earlier how orgasms are always the goal.

Speaker 3 (39:24):
No, but pleasure is though, does this feel good? And
do you feel good about it? Right?

Speaker 4 (39:30):
And then that's really what it should be rooted And
does it bring glory to uh, your unit.

Speaker 3 (39:37):
Does it draw your closer together? Is it? Are you?
Do you feel safe? Does your yes land just as
safely as your your no? Are you?

Speaker 4 (39:45):
Can you be vulnerable enough to say I don't like this,
or hey, I saw this on.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
TikTok, I would like to try it.

Speaker 4 (39:51):
Like if there is their freedom, is there fun is
their curiosity? That's what That's what good pleasurable sex looks like.
And it doesn't have to be the stiff.

Speaker 3 (40:00):
Boring missionary three days a week, special attention on your birthday,
that and your birthday.

Speaker 4 (40:06):
Yeah, like you know, that's what the TV and the
news and like you know, social culture will say that
Christian sex is.

Speaker 3 (40:15):
But if it is like that, it doesn't have to
be that. If it's like this because they chose to
be like that, not because God.

Speaker 2 (40:20):
Is it hard for you to like navigate this with couples,
especially with Christian couples, especially with the stigma that's surrounding
it or just six church.

Speaker 3 (40:31):
No, it's not.

Speaker 4 (40:32):
I mean it's not difficult for me because I just
say the things, but sometimes it's difficult to bring the
couples along because it's like multi multi faceted. Like I
first have to gain their trust that I'm not just
some as a single woman, that I'm not some slick
rick trying to say, you know, trying to pull their

(40:52):
husband's attention, that I'm not you know, that I'm not
a person who is like anti Bible or anti Christ,
trying to you know, draw them into mind behavior their
actually right, or like I don't have their you know
what I mean, and then I.

Speaker 3 (41:06):
Actually know the word and know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 4 (41:08):
I have to build that kind of trust and rapport first,
and then from there we have some walls that we
have to break down by way of mindset, shane, guilt, condemnation, trauma,
you know, breaking down all of that stuff before we
then get to the skill building. And unfortunately, because of
the misunderstanding of the field, people come in wanting to

(41:30):
jump right to the skill building.

Speaker 3 (41:33):
But if I, if I teach you how to put
the whole kit and kaboodle down into your your esophagus,
but if not dealt with the fact that your uncle
started doing that to you when you were six, then
we put the park before the car before the horse.
Your husband may be happy, but you're going to be
crying to yourself to sleep every night. Right.

Speaker 4 (41:53):
I If I convince your wife mechanically to.

Speaker 3 (41:59):
Every Wednesday and Friday.

Speaker 4 (42:00):
Send you a text message about initiating sex, that may
make you feel better. But if I don't deal with
the fact that you question whether she's attracted to you
or not because whenever you touch her she curls, she records,
then I'm not again. I'm putting a cart before the horse.
So the behavior, the behaviors without the associated mindset change

(42:22):
are futile.

Speaker 2 (42:24):
Damn, I just want to be a fly in the
office one day while you have any sessions I feel like.

Speaker 3 (42:33):
I've had, I will. I mean, I've had some deucies.

Speaker 2 (42:37):
I've had some ones where I got done and was like,
I need I need to have a supervision. I have
a few folk and all of my clients know this
that there if we get to a place where I'm like,
I'm not sure about this, I either have like a
pastor friend of mine who will come especially when I'm
working with couples, I do have a pastor friend who
he will come in and help kind of like even

(42:58):
the playing ground sometimes because I don't want the husbands
who feel like I'm ganging up on them. Yeah, with
the wife, but also at the same time because a
lot of times it's the husband who have booked me,
and I don't want the wife to feel like, you know,
ganged up on and taking advantage of.

Speaker 4 (43:14):
So then the pastor will come in and his language,
will you know, help hold the man accountable if he's
you know, not being you know, patient or carrying or understanding.
But sometimes I have to say, I'm gonna have to,
you know, do a little conversation, little case study with
one of my sexologist friends.

Speaker 3 (43:32):
To help me help you through these things. I've had.
I've had somedies, I've I've had.

Speaker 4 (43:41):
Some duties I'm working with, I've worked finish finished working
with a couple who they're battling somebody image issues, some
size insecurity, a chronic health issue that's impacting.

Speaker 3 (43:55):
Erection, and they're up in age and want to have
a baby. So and it's like, yeah, so we put.

Speaker 4 (44:06):
Fifty thousand down on some IVF or we deal with
this so that we can try to have.

Speaker 3 (44:14):
Baby naturally.

Speaker 2 (44:15):
So can we postal with that? What should they gonna do?

Speaker 3 (44:19):
Well, you know, I just do what I can I do.

Speaker 2 (44:23):
Yeah, So, what are some issues that you feel like
come up in Christian marriages that aren't disgusting enough, Like
what are some common things you come across?

Speaker 4 (44:36):
And the common things are really the most trivial things
that I don't think people really recognize, like.

Speaker 3 (44:43):
Right, stuff like who and who should initiate?

Speaker 2 (44:49):
I can see that because men want to feel.

Speaker 3 (44:52):
They do.

Speaker 4 (44:53):
But men want to feel, Men want to feel desired.
Men want to also feel like you also want to
be here. I've heard more than one time reference to this,
reference to like mister and c.

Speaker 3 (45:12):
And then women feel like more than one.

Speaker 2 (45:18):
Time that has to be a horrible feeling, just.

Speaker 3 (45:22):
That, and that's how the men feel.

Speaker 4 (45:25):
Yeah, And and a lot of women think are taught compliance.
They're not taught co ownership. They're taught when we And
then the way in which, even if we understand sex
as a duty, if that is your values vantage point,
the way it is taught is devoid of pleasure and participation.

(45:48):
And so and the thought that there's a lot of
sexual behaviors for men and women alike that are attached
to erroneously attached to manhood and womanhood. So man, a man,
the one who was so insatiable, can't get itself together.
So he's the one that's supposed to initiate. So as
a wife, as a woman, I shouldn't have to initiate you.

(46:08):
If you want something, you need to come to me.
And so they could be hot and bothered and foaming
at the mouth, and they will put themselves in position
to kind of get what they want, but they won't say, hey,
let's go, what's up. You're gonna give me something? They
won't touch, they won't do. They'll wait for him to
do it and then jump, yeah, you're right, exactly exactly.

(46:32):
And I and because I asked all the time, like
has there been a time in their last thirty days
where you wanted.

Speaker 3 (46:37):
To have sex but didn't say anything about it? And
some of them will say yes, and well, why didn't you?
I was waiting for him.

Speaker 2 (46:45):
Nah, girl, you gotta say what you want.

Speaker 4 (46:48):
So who initiates is one of the common ones.

Speaker 2 (46:53):
What is crazy? Do you have to have conversations like this?

Speaker 3 (46:55):
Though? Yeah?

Speaker 4 (46:57):
What is allowable as far as like the actual activities
like disagreements on oral anal where if you know, if
they're not trying to have a child, where to ejaculate,
whether to use contraceptives or not, like those really like
baseline things that honestly should have been discussed prior to.

Speaker 3 (47:18):
Marriage, before we even got married.

Speaker 4 (47:20):
That most of the most of the issues that I
have that are like most of the acute, easily solvable
or addressable issues down to like whether we should have
sex in the morning, have sex at night, like those
type of things.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
I don't want to life like that, man, those kind
of But the thing is like it's if for some
people it feels boring because it's not spontaneous and all that.
But I am, but I'm from the I teach scheduling
sex like like I absolutely.

Speaker 3 (47:52):
Please, baby, put it on the Google. Can you imagine.

Speaker 4 (47:57):
Being at work and getting a oral sex meeting invite?

Speaker 2 (48:03):
Or you're not that's cute' that's hot?

Speaker 3 (48:07):
Yeah, this is what I But that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (48:09):
Scheduling sex is not like, Okay, I have time in
my calendar from.

Speaker 3 (48:11):
Five to six, right. It doesn't have to be It
doesn't have to be like that.

Speaker 4 (48:16):
It could be same day, like you would come in
after working, like, hey, you're gonna be busy.

Speaker 3 (48:22):
Later because my mom's coming to get the kids at six.

Speaker 2 (48:25):
Are you gonna be busy later? And he's like, oh no,
I ain't gonna be busy, Okay, me and you.

Speaker 3 (48:29):
And that that schedule, or it could I have, I
I have.

Speaker 4 (48:34):
One of the activities that do with couples is creating
a sex captain, like alternating being the sex captain.

Speaker 3 (48:40):
So you look at your schedules, like this is for
busy families.

Speaker 4 (48:42):
You look at your schedule and you find a day
that you all get typically get home earliest, the kids
don't have too many activities. And let's just say it's Wednesday,
and then you take turns being the Wednesday Captain. This
is the night where we're not we're not cooking, we're
not doing a whole bunch of dishes.

Speaker 2 (48:57):
We just ordering out.

Speaker 4 (48:59):
We are you know, we'red If you have children, heads
and beds. At eight point thirty, everybody's showered and shaved.
So from nine pm until it's just the door is locked,
the phones are off, the TV is off, or whatever
you decide that night is going to look like. Then
we've got we're we're prioritizing this time for us.

Speaker 3 (49:18):
And this could be wild child.

Speaker 4 (49:20):
Hanging from the ceiling, or it could just be listen, y'all,
could be naked jello wrestling or y'all could just be
catching up.

Speaker 3 (49:27):
On law and order, whatever it is. Y'all have decided
that this is the time where we want to be together.
People who schedule sex have more sex.

Speaker 4 (49:35):
And because we have committed to this idea, Hollywood has
convinced us that the sponsaneity of just coming in the
house and kissing in the clothes, just falling all over
the floor. But yeah, that could be fun. Those things
sprinkled in there. But the maintenance sex, the sex that's
going to be the undercurrent and pushing you through everyday life,
is the one that you plan. Because when you plan something,

(49:58):
it says is important. If doctor's appointments make the calendar,
your meetings make the calendar, The kids' sports schedules make
the calendar. Girls trip on that calendar, why wouldn't your
sex life be be on that calendar?

Speaker 2 (50:12):
Right right? So how do you approach topics like sexual
fantasies and kings and all these other frigire shit the
niggas be into with Christians?

Speaker 4 (50:22):
I really systematically because I don't want to.

Speaker 3 (50:31):
I don't want to kick in the door, wave in
the four forest and scare them.

Speaker 4 (50:35):
But I am a matter of fact in my questioning,
and I start for that from from the consultation, so
that when we get to the discussions of fantasies expectations
like I use a therapeutic miracle question like if you
could snap your fingers, tomorrow set your fingers, and tomorrow
your sex life is everything that you want it to be.

(50:56):
What would that look like? How often would you have sex?
What would be some the staples like.

Speaker 3 (51:02):
What wouldn't be there? Like would be different? What would
be different? Like those?

Speaker 4 (51:06):
I go there and then I ask very flat out
question and when they say like kind of generic you know,
you know, I wish such and such was was bigger.
When you say bigger, what do you mean by that?
Is it currently small? Well, it's you know, it's not
the well how small is if you if you have
you measured it?

Speaker 3 (51:24):
Okay? What you say?

Speaker 2 (51:25):
Four?

Speaker 3 (51:26):
We are were here? We're talking here? Like what are
we talking?

Speaker 2 (51:28):
And you start measuring ship?

Speaker 3 (51:31):
Right? And I and I.

Speaker 4 (51:32):
But the thing is that I to your point about
how do I address it? I address it head on
and that for me removes this nigg But I try
very hard not to use a lot of like euphemisms.
I try very hard not to use a lot of
like nicknames because that's the language that they speak.

Speaker 3 (51:50):
Now, I don't go too far like and like I don't.

Speaker 4 (51:53):
I try not to be vulgar either. And if I
you and I, in most cases, I'm going to use
the technical or medical like I'm not going to I
may not say fillatio or cund of lincolns, but I
will say you know, or oral I won't say, I
will say, I will say oral sex. But I was

(52:14):
like you, but I will say, like if we're talking
about that, like I'll ask, like if there is a
problem with or like what's wrong with it?

Speaker 3 (52:21):
Is it not? Is it not deep throat enough? Is
there not enough spit? Like what are we talking about?
What's the issue? I go and then there.

Speaker 4 (52:30):
Because the thing is if you can operate as a
if you can operationalize it, if you can make it tangible,
then we can develop a plan that is account that
that also comes with a bit of accountability when we
keep speaking in generalities and these euphemisms, those things have
meaning to you and your brain, but it's not necessarily
a shared meaning with the person outside. So like if

(52:53):
they even when they come to me and say, oh,
we're not intimate enough Do you mean y'all don't have
enough hugs and cuddles and secrets.

Speaker 2 (53:00):
Y'alln't have different things?

Speaker 3 (53:02):
Or y'all don't have enough sex? Right? Right?

Speaker 4 (53:05):
And when you say enough, when was the last time
you had sex? And when was the last time before
that time? Because enough, it's relative, like you know what
I mean. And then when I'm with the couple, I
don't let one person just talk after one person share
that with Okay, now would you agree with that? And
they say, oh yeah, I think that's good. Okay, well
put it in your words because I don't let them.

Speaker 3 (53:26):
I don't let them hide.

Speaker 4 (53:27):
So when we get to the conversations of kink and
fantasy have already established, I'm not gonna let you hide.

Speaker 3 (53:34):
We're not going to talk in cold because we are grown.

Speaker 4 (53:37):
And then we're gonna but if you don't have the language,
which many of them don't, I'm gonna help pull it
out and offer language for you to then use and
then encourage you encourage you to use it. But most
of my work is with either helping people feel better
about their kinks or fantasies are really demystifying what their

(54:03):
kings infanities are because some people have a lot of
us have been given these ideals of what great sex is.
Like you know, hip hop has forced us all to
believe that nine inch penises is the end all be
all two sex.

Speaker 3 (54:18):
And then when I get down to it, I'm like, hmhmm,
nine inches? So do you like deep penetration like you
like it?

Speaker 1 (54:25):
You?

Speaker 2 (54:25):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (54:25):
No, I don't need to be and I don't want to.

Speaker 2 (54:29):
I ain't gonna say it.

Speaker 3 (54:30):
Nope, nope.

Speaker 2 (54:34):
The point is some people do right, some people do,
many people don't. But more importantly, more more people than
not do not have nine inches. So even if you
want them, you're going to be hard pressed to.

Speaker 3 (54:55):
Seven.

Speaker 4 (54:57):
Nave told you and Fucci Wally that none INSes was okay,
and then you took that and ran with that list.
But is that what you really want? So get creating
an environment with fantasy. But the best phantasies are when
you create an environment for people to want what they
actually want. It actually feels good for their bodies, was

(55:18):
actually attainable for them, not the pursuit of something that
somebody else said would be good.

Speaker 3 (55:25):
Yeah, who would.

Speaker 2 (55:26):
You say have a hard time expressing their desires and
your sessions men and women women.

Speaker 4 (55:33):
Women, So and now I'll put like this, Women have
a hard time expressing it.

Speaker 3 (55:40):
Men have a hard time.

Speaker 4 (55:42):
Differentiating between what they want and what they want to
happen and so and by that I mean, so, for example,
I had a couple where the husband wanted wanted his
wife to be a little more express in the bedroom.

Speaker 3 (56:02):
Like he wanted more. He wanted more.

Speaker 4 (56:05):
But see and that and the thing is something that
you say that that is how she conceptualized it.

Speaker 2 (56:11):
She conceptualized that she wants that he wanted porn type
of sex.

Speaker 4 (56:16):
But in reality, once we got like he wanted the
cussing and oh give me that and throw it back,
and people.

Speaker 2 (56:22):
Are quiet when they having sex.

Speaker 3 (56:25):
But she was.

Speaker 4 (56:26):
And so what he didn't actually want her to be,
you know, cursing and saying these things and all this.

Speaker 3 (56:33):
He wanted she.

Speaker 4 (56:34):
Would really withhold her pleasure, her pleasure sounds. He just
wanted confidence that what he was doing.

Speaker 2 (56:43):
Was working right so he can land the plane.

Speaker 3 (56:46):
That was And so that's what I think.

Speaker 4 (56:47):
I think men they kind of do like catch all,
like throw the baby out with the bath horder type
of request because they're not really good at like delineating
again what that what they what tingible thing they actually
want to happen.

Speaker 3 (57:01):
Women struggle more.

Speaker 4 (57:02):
Christian women struggle more with just expressing what they want
and more and more importantly, what they don't want in
the bedroom, because a lot of them will grin and
bear and go along with it even when they hate it.

Speaker 2 (57:15):
I'm just curious, who would you say is the first
to realize that they made a mistake.

Speaker 3 (57:21):
In what way made a mistake and getting married?

Speaker 2 (57:24):
Yeah, but in their marriage, I think unfortunately, because there
is this mad rush to the altar too are to
be able to have sex.

Speaker 4 (57:34):
I think it's a shared experience. Like if if couples
are getting.

Speaker 3 (57:38):
Like you got.

Speaker 2 (57:41):
Brittany Good, I knew he was gonna be political. I
don't even want to hear no more, Brittany. You know,
I know Brittany so well. You know she cracking up.
Brittany you Good, You so predictable.

Speaker 3 (57:56):
I knew I'm just telling the truth.

Speaker 4 (58:00):
I think that of the couples who will come to
the reality or wrestle with whether they should have done
this or not, they both come to it at different
points and for different reasons. Particularly among that group who
got married because somebody told them that they should, or
in an attempt to or as a response to not

(58:22):
being able to stop having sex.

Speaker 2 (58:24):
Yeah, so I know that you were preleas married before
we key key about this in private. So how does
your divorce shape both your personal view of intimacy and
your confidence and your work as a sexologist?

Speaker 3 (58:37):
Oh? How much time? We well?

Speaker 4 (58:42):
No, So interestingly enough, my divorce played a major role
in how hard I go with the intimacy firm, because
I think if it took me a while, I had
to be honest with the fact that I probably stayed
in my marriage maybe a year or two longer than
I would have if it wasn't for the Intimacy Firm,
because I couldn't. I knew for sure that the Lord

(59:04):
had called me to do this, and so I was like,
maybe I didn't hear right, or maybe I'm wrong about
the divorce, because there's no way I can do the
intimacy Firm and be divorced.

Speaker 3 (59:16):
And so because I know I heard this right, this
must be wrong, and I rusted.

Speaker 4 (59:21):
I did not see a world where I could do
this as a divorce woman. I didn't see a world
where I could navigate where I knew the Lord was
going to take this as a single mom, I just didn't.

Speaker 3 (59:31):
I just couldn't see it. But then when you know,
it got.

Speaker 4 (59:35):
To a point where I was like, okay, yeah, you
know I love you as a father, as a husband,
this is not going to work anymore. It was that
freedom where I was like, oh, I'm actually a really
good mother and as a practitioner, my business has done
far more and far better.

Speaker 3 (59:57):
Post divorce than it didn't when I was in it.

Speaker 4 (01:00:00):
And you know, honestly it started, I was I got
divorced in two thousand and.

Speaker 3 (01:00:04):
Nineteen or separate twenty nineteen, so it.

Speaker 4 (01:00:07):
Was three years in the in my marriage and then
the rest, so you started, I started twenty sixteen. But
there was a confidence that came with like as I
was like, oh I really could do this, Oh the
Lord can still use me, I stepped out and I don't.
And then once I was public about being divorced, there

(01:00:28):
was no more shame, Like that was the shame that
was the thing that was holding me back.

Speaker 3 (01:00:31):
And now I'm like, yeah, I can do this.

Speaker 4 (01:00:33):
And also realizing now that I've been on every side
like I have been abstinent prior Tori well, trying to
be abstinent prior to marriage.

Speaker 3 (01:00:43):
I've been married, I've been divorced.

Speaker 4 (01:00:47):
Now I'm trying considering maybe thinking about dating again. So
I've been at every point, any point where you come
to in relationship, outside of experiencing in the death of
a spouse, I've been there in some way, shape or form.
So if God's calling me to work with you, I
can empathize with a lot of what you're going through

(01:01:09):
or have personal experience with that very with that very thing.
So while I don't wish divorce on anybody, I do
see how His grace has kept me even through that
and even made my life better Hopes Dice, do.

Speaker 2 (01:01:30):
You still have those moments of self doubt?

Speaker 4 (01:01:33):
Yes, certainly, and because right now, like one of my
prayer one of the things I've been praying about is
if visibility and ministry is all this is supposed to be,
because there is, and this is not like trying to
talk bigger, none of that. But my social media, at
least my Instagram does fairly well. So if I post something,

(01:01:57):
if I do a video like it's going to for
the most part, it's going to do numbers, so I
have the visibility, I have the reach people within certain
specs or spheres you know, know who I am, But
there is not then for the last couple for less
year or year and a half or so, there hasn't

(01:02:17):
been much converting to like monetarily, and so I'm like, well, Lord,
am I doing something wrong?

Speaker 3 (01:02:26):
Or is it? Or is this only supposed to be service?

Speaker 4 (01:02:29):
Like am I only supposed to be you know that
voice crying out in the wilderness, like, and there's going
to be other type of sustenance that comes, like which
is you know? I think that naturally when you think
about ministry, where you're in a ministry in a marketplace,
there's that idea of like where do I serve with
no expectation of compensation? And then where do I have

(01:02:51):
to put a price? Like it's hard to put a price,
say on because.

Speaker 2 (01:02:55):
We need to be compensated for our gifts.

Speaker 3 (01:02:57):
Right right.

Speaker 4 (01:02:58):
And the hardest part of about it, though, is that
which God has really challenged me on is that I
love this work so much I would do it for free.
And so I really had to write and I really
had my discernment really had to improve, like what because
I've had experiences where go I was like, send him
a message telling the book a session which you don't
charge them, okay, And like I'm like, did I hold on?

Speaker 3 (01:03:21):
Hold on? Turn out again? I didn't what old miss it,
I didn't hear you.

Speaker 4 (01:03:26):
But then it got to the point now it's like
whatever will be will be, and I'm not I'm never
going to put somebody's deliverance and healing behind a paywall.

Speaker 3 (01:03:41):
That doesn't mean it's gonna be free. Right if I have,
I'm gonna give you a little break from.

Speaker 4 (01:03:46):
Here, right right if I if I feel the unction
of the whole experience to pour into you, should I'm
working with I'm working with a young lady right now
who's getting ready to get married in three weeks, and
just from conversing with her on threads, I was like,
send me an email, I'll do my premarital workshop with you,
because I just it just was one of those It
was just one of those things. And so I do

(01:04:07):
have doubts sometimes where I see colleagues reaching other heights
and you know, going through dag what am I doing wrong?
And I also, you know, I had to check myself
a little bit, a little pride because I've seen people
who have not been where I've.

Speaker 3 (01:04:26):
Been or achieved the things achieved.

Speaker 4 (01:04:29):
And are some of youall faiths and grace And I'm.

Speaker 2 (01:04:34):
Like, hey, hey, and then you started to question your
own abilities about me, and you're thinking like damn, like
what am I doing wrong? Like I'm I'm consistent, I'm
giving out good sound advice and I could back it up.
And it's a lot.

Speaker 3 (01:04:50):
But that's the difficult part though, that self doubt.

Speaker 4 (01:04:52):
Though I tend to lean more and Holy spirits working
in therapies, working on this, but I lean more towards
it's not just self doubt, but even self deprecation a
little bit, like I look at it not like oh,
I've been doing this.

Speaker 3 (01:05:10):
I've been doing this.

Speaker 4 (01:05:11):
It's been Oh I must be doing something wrong. I
must not be working hard enough.

Speaker 3 (01:05:16):
I must this.

Speaker 4 (01:05:16):
It must not be landing the way I think, because
if I was doing right, I would.

Speaker 3 (01:05:21):
Be where they where they are.

Speaker 4 (01:05:23):
And the Lord had to tell me like, that's not
how this works, that's not that's not how this works.
And it took it took a long time, like to
to develop that self.

Speaker 3 (01:05:32):
Compassion that what is for me will not miss me.

Speaker 4 (01:05:36):
What that has for me is for me, And there
is Timing is everything, and there is and I look
back and there are some some booking, some engagements, some
like elevation that if I would have gotten it at
the moment or time that.

Speaker 2 (01:05:51):
I I would have fumbled.

Speaker 3 (01:05:53):
I would have fumbled. That's a I would have fumbled.

Speaker 4 (01:05:58):
So now the doubt come because I think that's human.
But the saving graces. If I'm here, then Lord, this
is where you have me. And if if I'm supposed
to be somewhere else, give me the skill, the access,
the resource and the character to manage it when.

Speaker 2 (01:06:16):
It comes facts facts. We almost finished. But how would
you handle or how do you handle conversations about l
g B, t Q, I A plus identities within the
context of Christian teaching.

Speaker 3 (01:06:30):
Honestly, I don't have to outside of.

Speaker 4 (01:06:33):
Establishing and the belief that all humans are image bearers.
We are all the Amigo day them.

Speaker 2 (01:06:46):
You know I'm here, I'm hit you up in the
group chat baby, because you're good.

Speaker 3 (01:06:50):
We all have.

Speaker 4 (01:06:51):
An inherent worth and value to love, to dignity. My
call to other believers who aren't as compassionate is that
you can't win what you don't love. So if you're
trying to win a group for Christ or rent a
person for Christ, but you are moving in unloving, bigoted,

(01:07:14):
ungodly ways, you'll never win.

Speaker 3 (01:07:17):
You'll never win them.

Speaker 4 (01:07:18):
And as we're called to be the hands and feet
and hands and feet of Jesus, that's not the way
that you approach it.

Speaker 3 (01:07:24):
But I say, I don't typically have to deal with
that because.

Speaker 4 (01:07:26):
My primary audience, my clients are cis gender, heterosexual, really
primarily black and brown, you know, men and women.

Speaker 3 (01:07:36):
So that's not my expertise.

Speaker 4 (01:07:39):
I think that there is a particular I know that
there's a particular skill set in school of thought to
be able to effectively support individuals from those groups. So
I've never had to I never had to speak on
the topics because churches aren't bringing me into to speak
about that, because they're calling me in to work with
their marriage ministries or their singles ministries.

Speaker 3 (01:08:00):
I have worked with folks who have had.

Speaker 4 (01:08:04):
Same sex attraction and same sex behaviors in their past
and they are working to not I've worked with that,
but as far as like couples, that's not anything.

Speaker 3 (01:08:14):
That's not my client base.

Speaker 4 (01:08:17):
Yeah, and not my client base and so but I
do have I have. I am intentional about making sure
I have sound referrals. If a couple or AFL, which
is important too, comes to me looking for support, have
someone that I can send them to that I can trust,
that I will know, that I know will engage, engage

(01:08:39):
them with compassion and grace and skill.

Speaker 2 (01:08:43):
So yeah, and if you could rewrite the conversation around
sex and the church, what would it look like?

Speaker 3 (01:08:52):
Okay? Because a good thing and sex is a God thing.

Speaker 4 (01:08:55):
And so we if we understand that pleasure and move
from the vantage point that pleasure existed before sin? Did
I think that pleasure existed before Shane? Did pleasure existed
before anybody?

Speaker 3 (01:09:11):
Image?

Speaker 4 (01:09:11):
Pleasure existed before all of those things that entered in
when the enemy came and first asked Eve, did God
really say that?

Speaker 3 (01:09:21):
So I would rewrite it by writing out a culture
where we do not question what.

Speaker 4 (01:09:29):
God said about our bodies, his intentions for sex, intimacy
and relationships.

Speaker 3 (01:09:35):
And the way we commune with one another.

Speaker 2 (01:09:38):
Single and Marrit, like, you know what, reading this has
been an absolute joy, Like, I am so excited we
were able to do this. Seriously, right, this is now
when I have people of your caliber on the show
because I know you you one of God's favorite I
always ask people like yourself to lead leave us with

(01:10:00):
a prayer.

Speaker 3 (01:10:02):
Like were you want me pray?

Speaker 2 (01:10:03):
Pray or like bad we need some prayer a boy.
People finding and find the love that they truly deserve.
Why can't put through the mattress?

Speaker 3 (01:10:15):
Lord Havny.

Speaker 4 (01:10:16):
Father, we come to you on this day with thanksgiving,
Father God, we thank you and praise you for your
grace and your mercy. Father God, I first and foremost
want to thank you for my sister Evanay. Lord, I
thank you for her heart. I thank you for her beauty,
her wisdom, her creativity, her talent. Lord, I pray I
know that you have a mighty place an impact, that
you have plans for her in this world through this podcast,

(01:10:37):
through her art, through her writing, through her coloring books,
through her insight and plans for the things that she
wishes for and dreams about and praise about. Lord, I
know you're getting ready to do mighty works and through
you with her. Lord, in the name of Jesus and Lord,
I pray right now that anybody who was listening to

(01:10:58):
this who is heart broke and anybody who's listening to
this who feels like they will.

Speaker 3 (01:11:03):
Never see love or feel love again.

Speaker 4 (01:11:05):
Anybody who feels like the other, who feels like always
the brides may never the bride who feels like they
don't imagine it's.

Speaker 3 (01:11:12):
Not that guy that was right there. I'm sorry, God,
go ahead, breathe.

Speaker 4 (01:11:17):
They don't imagine a world where they are loved, where
they are seeing, heard, valued, or understood. Lord, I pray
that you silence the whispers and life of the enemy,
and remind them that they are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Remind them that your thoughts for them outnumber the grains
of saying. Remind them that your name is a strong
tower and the rights run in or say. Remind them

(01:11:37):
that you are near to the broken heart and close
to those who are crushed in spirit. Lord, remind them
that if it be your will, that they will be
able to rejoice and see the goodness of God in
the land of the living. They will be able to
feel love inside and out, platonically, familiarly, spiritually, and romantically. Lord,
that they don't despise the fact that they dream of

(01:12:00):
being a wife, That they don't despise the fact that
they dream of being a mother. Remind them that you
are the father and author of time, and that you
exist outside of time. So there is no biological clot
no statistic, no doctor's report that will supersede what thus
saith the Lord in the name of Jesus. So anybody
who is listening to this right now, especially that woman

(01:12:21):
who continues to cry herself to sleep, but smiles on
in front of everybody every other day, that woman who
is everything to everybody else but comes home with nobody
to be that to them, Lord, remind them that you're
they are never outside of your hand. Find of them,
find rest in your leaf, that they find love and
joy in your arms, in the name of Jesus, and

(01:12:42):
remind them, if they seek first the Kingdom of God
and his righteousness, that all every dream, every hope, every plan,
every fear, all other things will be addressed and added
unto them, because there is nothing concerning them that you
are I'm concerned about. We praise you, we honor you,
and we sealed this with the hallelujah, because we don't

(01:13:05):
know what's already done. And your mighty and matches name.
We pray, hey man.

Speaker 2 (01:13:09):
Come on Brittany. The B stand for best Brittany, got
me over here, crying girl child. Tell people where they
can follow you at child, I'm about to see your
cash baby.

Speaker 3 (01:13:23):
Give you a little offer.

Speaker 4 (01:13:24):
My website is www dot the Intimacyfirm dot com. On Instagram,
I am Christian Sexologist Brittany.

Speaker 3 (01:13:34):
Come on, get ready.

Speaker 4 (01:13:36):
I'm actually getting ready changed by TikTok right now when
we hang out, so by the time you hear this,
my TikTok will also be Christian Sexologists Brittany. And if
you are on YouTube during discussions podcast that if you
search my at name on YouTube is at Christian at
the Christian Sexologists.

Speaker 3 (01:13:54):
Oh, Brittany, I love you.

Speaker 2 (01:13:55):
Man.

Speaker 3 (01:13:56):
Was good comfort.

Speaker 2 (01:13:58):
I can't wait to see We about to have a time.

Speaker 3 (01:14:02):
Oh my God.

Speaker 2 (01:14:02):
To listeners, if you'll have any questions coming or concerns,
please make sure to email me at Hello at the
psgpodcast dot com. I'm pretty sure bringing me back on
the show again because she has a lot of exciting
updates that's coming really soon, so I cannot wait for
us to be able to support her. But until next time,
that is the end of an ebenay holiday. Okayay, until

(01:14:27):
next time Everyone Later Byke. Pretty Private is a production
of the Black Appack podcast network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen

(01:14:48):
to your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate
the show, and you can connect with me on social
media at Pretty Private Podcasts y