March 13, 2024 • 35 mins
Safara, a Black teenager from Central Texas, goes on a journey of self-love and discovery and finds confidence in the Ballroom scene — an art form and community that has long been a haven for queer and trans people of color.
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
School of Humans.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
This is Queer Chronicles. This is my personal entry Queus.
This is Queer Chronicles. I found Ballroom Honestly, it was
just to like Google. If I'm being completely honest.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Remember Safara, she's eighteen from Austin, Texas and one of
the youngest members.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Of a local ballroom fan. So, ballroom is this community
that started in New York City, and it's basically an
underground community started by black and Hispanic trans women. And
it started as a way for you know, queer kids
who are kicked out of their home from their you know,
(01:00):
biological families. They started houses as like a chosen family
in community so everyone could just you know, look their
best lies.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Ballrooms legacy is rich and layered. While these events go
back at least a century, the current system, founded by
black trans pioneer Crystal Labasia, got its start in nineteen
seventies New York. Today you can find ballroom communities all
(01:41):
over the world, and of course, if you want a
little Southern flare, travel on down the Austin Honey. Ballroom's
impact on culture is indelible. It's inspired television shows, iconic documentaries,
a few hit songs, and one queen Diva's recent album
(02:03):
and record breaking world tour. Here's a hint. She's a
Texas girl, just like Safara.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Tonight, Acetown is going down.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
A big part of ballroom culture is holding balls, which
essentially our extravagant and elaborate contests where folks compete or
you'd say, walk, in different categories. Those categories often include
some glorious mix of performing, voguing, lip syncing, and modeling.
(02:44):
And it's a relatively new world for Sofara. She attended
her very first ball not too long ago, in September
twenty twenty two.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
It's actually a funny story. So I told my mom
that I was going to like a little get together
thing in secretly, me and three my friends we decided
to go to a ball in downtown Austin. I was
very nervous because you know, I'm like seventeen, and so
(03:17):
it was like a but you know, I just wanted
to give it up and I want to see them
be real.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Fab Ball categories are known for their high fluten, mesmerizing
glamour and grace, but there's more to it than that,
in fact, and let me put my little sociology hat
on here. In a world where our queer and trans family,
especially of color, often face struggles and barriers. Ball serve
(03:47):
as a fierce commentary on class, race, gender, and sexual orientation. Translation,
here on the floor, folks get a chance to be
seen the way they want to be seen. It's about
fantasy and reality colliding to create an eclectic tapestry of
(04:10):
human expression. For instance, if you want to walk the
runway category, you better work it like the supreme doll
Naomi Campbell herself. And there's a lot of unspoken criteria
to excel in the femme queen realness category. But just
to start, you have to be one of the girls
(04:33):
that is a trans woman, and you have to serve
pure confidence and fearlessness from head to toe.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
I walked realness and runway, and I diget my tens
and realness so that I was bad. But I did
get chopped in runway, but it was only because I
didn't like have the gloves on in the category. Call
for gloves is the whole thing, and.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
This whole thing is a family affair, or more precisely,
a a chosen family affair. It's complete with houses, house mothers,
house fathers, house siblings. The whole nine, and so far
As first performance made an impression on one ballroom family
(05:21):
in particular. Oh Yes, she was approached by Natalie Sanders Lapour,
the mother of the House of Lapour Naturally, a new
and rapidly growing collective that exploded on the Central Texas
scene in twenty twenty.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
She just came up to me at the ball and
she was like, Hi, how are y'all? And I was like,
oh my god.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Two days later, she somehow saw like me, like us
on Instagram or something. I don't know, but she by
like the grace of everything of the ancestors, she found
my Instagram page and she was like, hey, it's like
I saw you walk at the ball and you were
really fat. Do you want to come to a practice?
(06:08):
And I was just like I didn't cry, but I
was just like so like amazed. I was like what
the hell, Like how did I get like an invite
to a practice? How to even find my Instagram? I
don't know?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
And just like that Miss so Far had a arrived.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
But so I went to the practice and after the
practice she formally invited me to join the assho before
and I've just been like really really happy and I
think It means a lot for me because barroom is
just everything black, queer, black, trans. So for me, it's
just I get to live in a space where I'm
(06:48):
like normal. I don't have to feel othered or like
ostracized and abnormality in some way. There's just so much
history and love and like queer, joy and ballroom and
that's what makes it a special mean. I just feel
like my whole life is going to be Borroom. I'm
gonna be like fifty years old, still on a judge's
(07:11):
panel for ball I want to be in Boroom forever.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
From School of Humans, The Outspoken Podcast Network and iHeart Podcasts,
This is Queer Chronicles, a show where queer folks document
their personal lives and experiences in their own words, and
I'm your host, Raquel Willis. This season, a group of
(07:42):
teenagers are sharing their perspectives on growing up queer, trans
and gender not and conforming while living in mostly Red States.
And today it's the Safar Show.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You just heard that.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
She He's one of the most promising girls on the
ballroom scene, and she's also a bit of a genius.
She's headed to Harvard for college this fall, but before
soaring to these spectacular heights, Safara had to go on
a journey of self love, one that would help crystallize
(08:27):
her trans identity and set her on the shining path
she walks today. Little Saphara grew up in a small
town outside of Dallas, and from kindergarten through seventh grade
she went to a school that she described as very white,
(08:48):
very racist, and very queer phobic.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Just you would go around in the hallway like at
the end of the day and you would just hear
the M word, but you wouldn't see any color. You
wouldn't se any like black people, you know what I mean.
So it's just like very like, oh, this is not
really a place for me. Like this is clearly like
not a place for me.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
But little Safara had to figure out how to make
the best of it. That meant making friends at school,
even though those friends didn't always treat her well.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
I was always the butt of the joke and every
single friend group that I had. It was because, like
I was kind of nerdy, but it was mostly because
I was also the black kid. I know. It was
because the jokes also were like monkey and like big lips.
I was friends with a lot of people who didn't
respect me or like by people. And I remember there
(09:43):
are so many points in time where I was having
to like fit through people talk about, oh, black women
are ugly, you know what I mean, and they just
say that to my base. I think that also probably
made me take longer to come out or like realize
my gender identity fully was I don't know, it was
like I was directly scared of the treatment that I
would get as like a black woman, and so I
(10:04):
was like, it's not going to think about that. I'm
not going to think about that possibility because there there's
no way that I can go through that, or like,
there's no way that I could handle what it's like
to be a black woman with seeing the hatred that
black women get just serving black women.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Look, I have to take a second to validate where
so far is coming from. I experienced immense bullying and
isolation for my race and gender in my earliest years too.
No one should have to endure that mess, especially young
black trans folks, because internalizing this kind of language, this
(10:41):
warped way of seeing yourself can be extremely damaging. And
when you endure that even before owning your transness, it
can make you fearful of what lies on the other
side this environment. These dynamics hurt sfar self confidence and
(11:04):
made it harder for her to love herself.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
For who she is. Almost every single day after school,
I would look in the mirror and just be like,
I'm so ugly. I hate myself. I literally hate how
I look. I had a thought in my mind constantly
for like the entire first like twelve years of my life,
of I feel bad for the people in my life
because they have to look at me every single day
(11:30):
and I'm that ugly that I feel bad that they
have to look at me. Like I'm glad to be
myself just because I don't have to look at me
every single day except for when I look in the
mirror and brush my teeth. It was really draining looking
back on it, and it also numbed my personality. I
think that and not realizing and like fully knowing my transidentity.
(11:51):
I was a shell of a person. I wrote my
college I say about this, but like, I didn't have
a personality until literally, I would say, until like COVID
the pandemic, which is when I figured all of that
out and really understood my transidentity, really began to understand
and learn into my culture. It's actually like really strange.
(12:13):
Like sixth grade, I tried myself to sleep and I
wrote like a note sad thing about how I felt
like I was a sociopath because I felt like I
didn't have a personality and I just replicated anything that
I saw and whatever people did around me. I just
did what other boys did. I just hung around other
boys like I didn't I didn't have anything of my own,
(12:36):
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
I'm curious what it was like for you to deal
with being one of the only black kits in a
lot of these spaces, but also dealing with being you know,
queer or gender non conforming in these spaces too.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Yeah, it took me a long time to like find out,
Like I know, like everyone's like transitions has their own timeline,
And for me, it wasn't like incredibly vastly apparent that
I was a girl from the jump, you know what
I mean. Like I felt a lot of like comfortability
and like being a gay man. For like a while,
(13:18):
I thought I knew what I was. I thought I
had it fully figured out in the back of my mind.
I remember, like I would probably say since like fourth
or fifth grade was when I had the first thought of, well,
it would be great if I had if I had brass,
and it would be great if I was born a woman.
It would be better if I was born a woman.
But I was like, I always literally said, but I
(13:40):
don't want it enough to be like trans I don't
want enough to actually go through a transition, And that
always pop back up, like every six months or so.
There was an uncomfortability in these predominantly like boys and
men's spaces, and I never felt like I fully belonged there.
But I always thought like, that's just my personality, that's
(14:03):
just me being gay. I didn't think it was because
I was a girl the entire time.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
The summer before eighth grade, Sofara moved to the Austin area.
This was a huge turning point for her. For the
first time, she met and befriended other folks who were
black and queer. These kindred souls allowed her to see
the multitudes of her identities in a different light.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Ninth grade was when I met one of my best
friends to this day. He was reading like Angela Davis
in seventh grade and stuff like that, so he was
already really radicalized, and he was the first person I
talked to about like prison abolition and all of these
different things. And so that was how I grew a
really close relationship with just my identity and my blackness.
(15:17):
Was like understanding black revolutionary politics, understanding that like there's
a revolution coming and like I'm going to aid to it,
you know what I mean, I'm going to play an
active role in it. And that was what allowed me
to really get in in that sort of sense. I
was like, I'm pro black, I'm unpacking respectability politics, and
now I'm going to just consume the fuck out of
(15:40):
like black media. I'm going to like really actively reclaim
everything that like I lost out in my childhood.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
See that's I mean, that's another thing. When you talk
about a revolution, most people think violence without realizing that
the real content of any kind of revolutionary thrust laws
in the in the principles and the goals that you're
striving for, not in the world the way you reached them.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, reading Angela Davis will change your life. As so
far as consciousness was expanding in so many ways, she
reckoned with her old life back in Dallas and the
boys who made her feel small.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
The awful friend group that I had during my seventh
grade year, we kept up through PlayStation Network and PlayStation
four parties, so I just did that too. It was
like I can have friends that way. One of my
like quote unquote friends would be like watching Steven Crowder,
which is like this republican like alt right influencer, and
he would just like be playing it in the background,
(16:48):
like not even like necessarily I don't think intentionally like
pissed me off, but just like he would be watching
it because he was so far down the alt right pipeline,
and it was just like, what the hell, what is this?
So like I had to say something. I was like,
I'm not just gonna be quiet about this. I was
like weekly or like bi weekly, having like strenuous, awful
(17:09):
like debates about like black women are pretty, or like
why y'all saying the in word? And honestly, I remember
because my friend who like radicalized me and also like
my other like black queer friend and like this trio
black queer friend group, I would like sometimes complain and
they'd be like why are you still there? Like why
what are you doing? And I was just like we're
(17:30):
in a pandemic virtual year, it's just easy to like
have friends at all. I don't want to be lonely,
So I'm just gonna stay being friends with them at
the same time as I'm bends with y'all, even though
like I know all of this, Like I know all
of these things, like I've fully radicalized in twenty twenty,
but I'm still going to be friends with them. And
I remember, like whenever the school year started in twenty
(17:51):
twenty one and like we came back in person, I
was like, I have too much self respect for myself
to like stay being friends with these awful people, so
like I block them on everything, and that was my
big one. I that I ate that way too late,
but I still ate that.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Saying that twenty twenty shifted so many of our lives
would be the understatement of the millennium. Beyond the obvious,
that is the novel coronavirus. Our collective values were put
on the world stage with the brutal murders of numerous
black people, including George Floyd, and a summer teeming with protests.
(18:36):
These events sparked a great learning and unlearning in our society.
For her part, so far was dismantling the anti blackness
and queer phobia she had internalized in childhood, and she
began embracing her gender identity.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Somewhere in that. In twenty twenty, I realized I was
a transoman, and I like came out to like my
trans mass friend, and we kind of like came out
to each other. It's like, oh yeah, what.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Kind of made you get to that point where you're like, Okay,
I'm coming out as a trans woman, Like it's time,
let's go. So like, for instance, for me, it was
like I had a boyfriend at this time, my first boyfriend,
and he was a trans man, but we could understand
each other. At that point, I was like identifying as
gender clear, so I knew something genderly was happening. But
(19:35):
I remember us having these like conversations and I was
like there were just like two moments over the course
of like a weekend where we were like talking on
the phone because I was on a trip, and I
was like, you know, if I could just be a
woman all the time, everything would just be easier or
(19:56):
would just make more sense. And then the second time
I said that, it was just kind of like a oh, yes,
I'm a woman.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
I remember it was me and my best friend. She
like took me with her family to Oklahoma and we
were like in cabins for like the winter, for like
Christmas break right, and I was like, we should start
a new show, we should start Pose. And I remember
like just I was watching like those first two episodes,
(20:30):
like and I was just immediately connected with Angel, and
I was just like, I'm a woman, and it was
like Angel and just seeing her and like her afro
and how pretty she was, and I was just like
that's me, Like that's who I am. Like I willant
to live like openly and just be pretty and just
(20:53):
be like you know what I mean. And so that
was like my I'm a woman moment for sure. I'm Angel.
This is why I love going to the balls.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
When I'm able to be true to myself in a
space where that celebrated, that makes.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Me feel beautiful. Immediately I saw myself in such a
different light without like any hormones, without makeup. I was like,
I'm literally so pretty. I'm so like freaking pretty, like
with the exact same base. And I know, like you
(21:28):
don't glow up and like stuff like that, but it
was like I immediately felt pretty from just like identifying
as a trans person out, you know what I mean.
It was like taking photos on myself regularly as I
started taking pictures. I remember the first like model asqu
photo shoot that I did was on the first day
of my junior year, just like a self timer pick
photo shoot, and the pigs came out so good and
(21:50):
I had like some confidence and I was just like
looking back and then I was like, I'm pretty, Like
I'm really really pretty, Like there's no reason for me
to like ever think like that ever again. And even now,
like whenever I get my ff as my facial for sury,
I want bigger lits, you know what I mean. Like
I love my face, I love my blackness, I love
(22:12):
my lips. And so the one eighty is like amazing.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
While there's often a lot of sensationalizing around trans women's
bodies and beauty, taking control of your esthetics can be empowering.
So Far lights up as she discusses her self love journey,
and her hopes for the future. It reminds me of
my early days on hormone replacement therapy, when I'd ecstatically
(22:46):
jot down every change I felt and saw in my journal.
I'd heard so many nasty things when I came out
as trans, that I'd never be a real woman, that
I'd never be beautiful or accepted. But the physical changes
made me feel validated. Both Safara and younger me were,
(23:10):
as Queen Bee says, comfortable in our skin. And for Sophara,
what better way to put this newfound confidence on display
than ballroom baby. More on that after the break. So
(23:40):
did you change? Because we're getting ready for one of
Safara's favorite parts of the week, ballroom practice with the
House of Lapoor.
Speaker 5 (23:51):
My practice usually once a week, and we have like
open practices called like Vogue Sessions or like Vogue Academy,
which is like for any house or just anyone who's
not in the house.
Speaker 6 (24:05):
And then we also have like our own house practices.
Speaker 5 (24:08):
So today is going to be a house practice, and
we're getting ready for the Stop the r chky Ball,
which is going to be happening this Saturday in Dallas.
But for prep, it's just like we just like to
be comfortable getting something you can vogue in. And you know,
I always leave the house curly my lashes because it's
just like rightens your day.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Once Safar arrives, she'll embark on a strenuous two hour
rehearsal where she'll hone different elements of voguing and performance
for the upcoming ball. She'll be doing spins, dips, floor performances,
and duck walks, and these can be difficult moves, so
(24:51):
Mama needs to be comfortable on.
Speaker 6 (24:53):
Some like at leisure. It also like still you know,
feel a little feel a little.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Cute because ballroom is very much like I don't also
like don't know like the rating of the podcast, but
like it's Kunti's that's what ballroom is. Kunti is like
you are just feeling like the ultra feminine existence, like
you are feeling power over everything with a feminine energy
(25:22):
to it.
Speaker 6 (25:23):
It's the core a ballroom. And so I love like
having learned through ballroom and other black trans women because
it's like I have a better understanding of myself and
like conquering my own femininity.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
That feminine energy so far as talking about, well she
exudes it. Stepping into her car on the way to
practice is like entering a pink fantasy.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
So we are in. I think it's a Honda Civic
or like a Nissan I'm not a cargirl at all,
by the way, but it's on the inside. We have
a fuzzy, pink steering wheel. We have pink fuzzy dice
on the rear view marra thing. We have a pink
(26:15):
little cover thing on the middle console, and then we
have pink fuzzy seatbelt covers, and then we also have
a pink trash can in the back. So it's all pink.
It's all very elwoods, which is like so fitting because like,
I'm actually going to Harvard.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Hello Harvard, what Like it's hard kidding. Another perk of
going to the Ivy of all ivs is that nearby
Boston has a thriving ball community, so far got a
little taste of the scene during her prospective students visit.
(26:54):
She also attended a talent show hosted by the Black
Student Union. Our girl considered putting the other competitors to
shame and even practice a bit in the bathroom, but
she felt nervous and decided to just spectate. She wasn't
sure her skills were up to par, but when they
announced the lip sync battle between the incoming freshmen and
(27:17):
the current freshman, she just couldn't help herself.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Me and these two other girls. I was like, let's
lip sync to Alien Superstar by Beyonce. We like played
the song and I just did a like freestyle like
voguing moment. I did a couple of little like rumway
bits in there, but it was just like I literally
blackout because that was like my first time voguing like
(27:44):
outside of like a house practice. So I was just
like it just took control over me, like the ballroom spirit,
and it was amazing. Literally everyone was gagging after, like
you ate the fuck out of that, and I like
hit like my did like at the very end, and
it was like it was really it was a cute
moment for sure. And obviously the freshman the incoming freshman team,
(28:09):
which is my team, we won. So you know, I'm
not a performance though girl, but like I practice at
the house practices and I get ready for when I
want to like pop out a little bit, you know.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Needless to say, Miss safar ate that lip sync looks
like those practices paid off in a major way, which
brings us back to the rehearsal space in Austin. When
we walk in, she looks like she's right at home.
Speaker 7 (28:39):
Hey, coffee, so so we are in a studio space.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
It's a place where we can get our work done,
you know. But we kind of just all help each other out.
The people who like have been doing performance a bit longer,
they like help out a little the newcomers a little
bit more. Mother helps look like everything she's been judging
for years and years.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
And today so far we'll show her house mother Natalie,
what she's got for the upcoming ball. It's her time
to prove what she can do and get some necessary
feedback so she can maximize her slage. They'll be going
through those five elements of vogue. Here's the cheese sheet,
(29:29):
spins and dips, hand performance, catwalks, duck walks, and floor performance.
The dance studio has wooden floors, a wall of mirrors
on one side and a few ballet bars on the other.
Natalie has everyone lined up against the wall and one
(29:49):
by one they bring it to the floor, creating lines, movement, symmetry,
and flow.
Speaker 7 (30:01):
Up your go, here we go, here we go.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
As to falla Okay, all right, Then it spins and dips.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Just imagine three hundred and sixty degree twirls faster than
your eye can catch. Then falling to the ground and
hoping to the heavens that you landed.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
So now I need to spend it way sign a
liability form, so don't break your motherfucking bed.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Sofara and her house siblings glide across the floor gracefully,
fiercely and confidently. Okay, and now time for one of
(30:59):
Safara's favorite categories, runway. Everyone is back up against the wall,
ready to strut, serveface and prayms.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Sir, who's next?
Speaker 7 (31:12):
Pumping in walking?
Speaker 2 (31:12):
You're popping and serving.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
Yet pumping and.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Walking gets serving in pups. Pumping in walking gets serving.
You're pumping your walking, get serving your wine's FLEs.
Speaker 7 (31:19):
Walk, sir.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
When so Far walks runway, you see her transform. Her
movements become a little sharper, her facial expressions a little
more dramatic, and it's like she goes from watching herself
do the moves in the mirror to being out of
her head and fully present in her body. As she
(31:46):
struts across the floor. The confidence is palpable, and you
get the sense that she's found herself not only in
the moves, but in this community where she can be
her most authentic self. For a black trans kid who
grew up surrounded by folks who didn't celebrate or respect her.
(32:10):
This kind of space proves invaluable. I mean, she gives
it to you every ball Why you gagging?
Speaker 2 (32:19):
So I feel like ballroom has changed my entire life.
It is like literally made me so much more extroverted,
like made me like grow into my personality and my
confidence as a trans woman. When everyone in ballroom is
like loud and clear, do you get used to that? Like?
And it brings out like your extroversion a bit more
(32:41):
and it allows you to say what was on your
mind a little bit more. But it's brought out more
of me into like these non ballroom spaces by being
in ballroom. And it's just like I don't know i'd
explained it my personality. I would just say it's it's fun.
Like I say, like what I'm thinking. I'm just like
(33:01):
your typical your typical kind it girl, like extraverted it girl,
Like I just really am that, you know what I mean?
Having a very close like black queer community and like
direct family that I can talk to and text it
any mot and they're gonna like ride for me. It
is so deeply important. And you won't even realize it
until unless she's like habit.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
All the hours so far has spent rehearsing, all the
work she's done to figure out who she is and
how she wants to present herself in the world, all
that she survived. She's bringing it to this performance, and
she's in a room surrounded by others who get her,
(33:45):
love her, and cherish her.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
This is what she deserves. That's my that's my fucker system,
and we back.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Queer Chronicles is a production of School of Humans, The
Outspoken podcast Network, and iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host Raquel Willis.
You can find a list of resources in the show notes,
including trans Lifeline and.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
The Trevor Project.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
This show was written by Jordan Bailey, Edalise Perez, Aaron Edwards,
and me. Our story editors are Aaron Edwards and Julia Furlan,
Produced by Jordan Bailey, Julia Farlan and Edalise Perez. Our
senior producer is Amelia Brock, directed by Edialis Perez, sound
(34:53):
design and mixed by mv al Raheem. Theme song composed
by Jesse Niswanger, Casting by Jordan Bailey and Julia Furlan.
Fact checking by Savannah Hugley. Our production manager is Daisy Church.
Executive producers include Jay Brunson and Me from The Outspoken
(35:14):
Podcast Network, Michael Alder June and Noel Brown from iHeart Podcasts,
Virginia Prescott, Brandon Barr, and Elsie Crowley from School of
Humans and The Cats Company. Special thanks to Mariah Gossip
for capturing audio for this episode. If you're enjoying the show,
(35:34):
please share it with friends and family, and don't forget
to rate and review in your favorite podcast app.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Tune in again next week
School of Humans.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
This is Queer Chronicles. This is my personal entry Queus.
This is Queer Chronicles. I found Ballroom Honestly, it was
just to like Google. If I'm being completely honest.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Remember Safara, she's eighteen from Austin, Texas and one of
the youngest members.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Of a local ballroom fan. So, ballroom is this community
that started in New York City, and it's basically an
underground community started by black and Hispanic trans women. And
it started as a way for you know, queer kids
who are kicked out of their home from their you know,
(01:00):
biological families. They started houses as like a chosen family
in community so everyone could just you know, look their
best lies.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Ballrooms legacy is rich and layered. While these events go
back at least a century, the current system, founded by
black trans pioneer Crystal Labasia, got its start in nineteen
seventies New York. Today you can find ballroom communities all
(01:41):
over the world, and of course, if you want a
little Southern flare, travel on down the Austin Honey. Ballroom's
impact on culture is indelible. It's inspired television shows, iconic documentaries,
a few hit songs, and one queen Diva's recent album
(02:03):
and record breaking world tour. Here's a hint. She's a
Texas girl, just like Safara.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Tonight, Acetown is going down.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
A big part of ballroom culture is holding balls, which
essentially our extravagant and elaborate contests where folks compete or
you'd say, walk, in different categories. Those categories often include
some glorious mix of performing, voguing, lip syncing, and modeling.
(02:44):
And it's a relatively new world for Sofara. She attended
her very first ball not too long ago, in September
twenty twenty two.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
It's actually a funny story. So I told my mom
that I was going to like a little get together
thing in secretly, me and three my friends we decided
to go to a ball in downtown Austin. I was
very nervous because you know, I'm like seventeen, and so
(03:17):
it was like a but you know, I just wanted
to give it up and I want to see them
be real.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Fab Ball categories are known for their high fluten, mesmerizing
glamour and grace, but there's more to it than that,
in fact, and let me put my little sociology hat
on here. In a world where our queer and trans family,
especially of color, often face struggles and barriers. Ball serve
(03:47):
as a fierce commentary on class, race, gender, and sexual orientation. Translation,
here on the floor, folks get a chance to be
seen the way they want to be seen. It's about
fantasy and reality colliding to create an eclectic tapestry of
(04:10):
human expression. For instance, if you want to walk the
runway category, you better work it like the supreme doll
Naomi Campbell herself. And there's a lot of unspoken criteria
to excel in the femme queen realness category. But just
to start, you have to be one of the girls
(04:33):
that is a trans woman, and you have to serve
pure confidence and fearlessness from head to toe.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
I walked realness and runway, and I diget my tens
and realness so that I was bad. But I did
get chopped in runway, but it was only because I
didn't like have the gloves on in the category. Call
for gloves is the whole thing, and.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
This whole thing is a family affair, or more precisely,
a a chosen family affair. It's complete with houses, house mothers,
house fathers, house siblings. The whole nine, and so far
As first performance made an impression on one ballroom family
(05:21):
in particular. Oh Yes, she was approached by Natalie Sanders Lapour,
the mother of the House of Lapour Naturally, a new
and rapidly growing collective that exploded on the Central Texas
scene in twenty twenty.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
She just came up to me at the ball and
she was like, Hi, how are y'all? And I was like,
oh my god.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Two days later, she somehow saw like me, like us
on Instagram or something. I don't know, but she by
like the grace of everything of the ancestors, she found
my Instagram page and she was like, hey, it's like
I saw you walk at the ball and you were
really fat. Do you want to come to a practice?
(06:08):
And I was just like I didn't cry, but I
was just like so like amazed. I was like what
the hell, Like how did I get like an invite
to a practice? How to even find my Instagram? I
don't know?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
And just like that Miss so Far had a arrived.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
But so I went to the practice and after the
practice she formally invited me to join the assho before
and I've just been like really really happy and I
think It means a lot for me because barroom is
just everything black, queer, black, trans. So for me, it's
just I get to live in a space where I'm
(06:48):
like normal. I don't have to feel othered or like
ostracized and abnormality in some way. There's just so much
history and love and like queer, joy and ballroom and
that's what makes it a special mean. I just feel
like my whole life is going to be Borroom. I'm
gonna be like fifty years old, still on a judge's
(07:11):
panel for ball I want to be in Boroom forever.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
From School of Humans, The Outspoken Podcast Network and iHeart Podcasts,
This is Queer Chronicles, a show where queer folks document
their personal lives and experiences in their own words, and
I'm your host, Raquel Willis. This season, a group of
(07:42):
teenagers are sharing their perspectives on growing up queer, trans
and gender not and conforming while living in mostly Red States.
And today it's the Safar Show.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You just heard that.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
She He's one of the most promising girls on the
ballroom scene, and she's also a bit of a genius.
She's headed to Harvard for college this fall, but before
soaring to these spectacular heights, Safara had to go on
a journey of self love, one that would help crystallize
(08:27):
her trans identity and set her on the shining path
she walks today. Little Saphara grew up in a small
town outside of Dallas, and from kindergarten through seventh grade
she went to a school that she described as very white,
(08:48):
very racist, and very queer phobic.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Just you would go around in the hallway like at
the end of the day and you would just hear
the M word, but you wouldn't see any color. You
wouldn't se any like black people, you know what I mean.
So it's just like very like, oh, this is not
really a place for me. Like this is clearly like
not a place for me.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
But little Safara had to figure out how to make
the best of it. That meant making friends at school,
even though those friends didn't always treat her well.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
I was always the butt of the joke and every
single friend group that I had. It was because, like
I was kind of nerdy, but it was mostly because
I was also the black kid. I know. It was
because the jokes also were like monkey and like big lips.
I was friends with a lot of people who didn't
respect me or like by people. And I remember there
(09:43):
are so many points in time where I was having
to like fit through people talk about, oh, black women
are ugly, you know what I mean, and they just
say that to my base. I think that also probably
made me take longer to come out or like realize
my gender identity fully was I don't know, it was
like I was directly scared of the treatment that I
would get as like a black woman, and so I
(10:04):
was like, it's not going to think about that. I'm
not going to think about that possibility because there there's
no way that I can go through that, or like,
there's no way that I could handle what it's like
to be a black woman with seeing the hatred that
black women get just serving black women.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Look, I have to take a second to validate where
so far is coming from. I experienced immense bullying and
isolation for my race and gender in my earliest years too.
No one should have to endure that mess, especially young
black trans folks, because internalizing this kind of language, this
(10:41):
warped way of seeing yourself can be extremely damaging. And
when you endure that even before owning your transness, it
can make you fearful of what lies on the other
side this environment. These dynamics hurt sfar self confidence and
(11:04):
made it harder for her to love herself.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
For who she is. Almost every single day after school,
I would look in the mirror and just be like,
I'm so ugly. I hate myself. I literally hate how
I look. I had a thought in my mind constantly
for like the entire first like twelve years of my life,
of I feel bad for the people in my life
because they have to look at me every single day
(11:30):
and I'm that ugly that I feel bad that they
have to look at me. Like I'm glad to be
myself just because I don't have to look at me
every single day except for when I look in the
mirror and brush my teeth. It was really draining looking
back on it, and it also numbed my personality. I
think that and not realizing and like fully knowing my transidentity.
(11:51):
I was a shell of a person. I wrote my
college I say about this, but like, I didn't have
a personality until literally, I would say, until like COVID
the pandemic, which is when I figured all of that
out and really understood my transidentity, really began to understand
and learn into my culture. It's actually like really strange.
(12:13):
Like sixth grade, I tried myself to sleep and I
wrote like a note sad thing about how I felt
like I was a sociopath because I felt like I
didn't have a personality and I just replicated anything that
I saw and whatever people did around me. I just
did what other boys did. I just hung around other
boys like I didn't I didn't have anything of my own,
(12:36):
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
I'm curious what it was like for you to deal
with being one of the only black kits in a
lot of these spaces, but also dealing with being you know,
queer or gender non conforming in these spaces too.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Yeah, it took me a long time to like find out,
Like I know, like everyone's like transitions has their own timeline,
And for me, it wasn't like incredibly vastly apparent that
I was a girl from the jump, you know what
I mean. Like I felt a lot of like comfortability
and like being a gay man. For like a while,
(13:18):
I thought I knew what I was. I thought I
had it fully figured out in the back of my mind.
I remember, like I would probably say since like fourth
or fifth grade was when I had the first thought of, well,
it would be great if I had if I had brass,
and it would be great if I was born a woman.
It would be better if I was born a woman.
But I was like, I always literally said, but I
(13:40):
don't want it enough to be like trans I don't
want enough to actually go through a transition, And that
always pop back up, like every six months or so.
There was an uncomfortability in these predominantly like boys and
men's spaces, and I never felt like I fully belonged there.
But I always thought like, that's just my personality, that's
(14:03):
just me being gay. I didn't think it was because
I was a girl the entire time.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
The summer before eighth grade, Sofara moved to the Austin area.
This was a huge turning point for her. For the
first time, she met and befriended other folks who were
black and queer. These kindred souls allowed her to see
the multitudes of her identities in a different light.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Ninth grade was when I met one of my best
friends to this day. He was reading like Angela Davis
in seventh grade and stuff like that, so he was
already really radicalized, and he was the first person I
talked to about like prison abolition and all of these
different things. And so that was how I grew a
really close relationship with just my identity and my blackness.
(15:17):
Was like understanding black revolutionary politics, understanding that like there's
a revolution coming and like I'm going to aid to it,
you know what I mean, I'm going to play an
active role in it. And that was what allowed me
to really get in in that sort of sense. I
was like, I'm pro black, I'm unpacking respectability politics, and
now I'm going to just consume the fuck out of
(15:40):
like black media. I'm going to like really actively reclaim
everything that like I lost out in my childhood.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
See that's I mean, that's another thing. When you talk
about a revolution, most people think violence without realizing that
the real content of any kind of revolutionary thrust laws
in the in the principles and the goals that you're
striving for, not in the world the way you reached them.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, reading Angela Davis will change your life. As so
far as consciousness was expanding in so many ways, she
reckoned with her old life back in Dallas and the
boys who made her feel small.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
The awful friend group that I had during my seventh
grade year, we kept up through PlayStation Network and PlayStation
four parties, so I just did that too. It was
like I can have friends that way. One of my
like quote unquote friends would be like watching Steven Crowder,
which is like this republican like alt right influencer, and
he would just like be playing it in the background,
(16:48):
like not even like necessarily I don't think intentionally like
pissed me off, but just like he would be watching
it because he was so far down the alt right pipeline,
and it was just like, what the hell, what is this?
So like I had to say something. I was like,
I'm not just gonna be quiet about this. I was
like weekly or like bi weekly, having like strenuous, awful
(17:09):
like debates about like black women are pretty, or like
why y'all saying the in word? And honestly, I remember
because my friend who like radicalized me and also like
my other like black queer friend and like this trio
black queer friend group, I would like sometimes complain and
they'd be like why are you still there? Like why
what are you doing? And I was just like we're
(17:30):
in a pandemic virtual year, it's just easy to like
have friends at all. I don't want to be lonely,
So I'm just gonna stay being friends with them at
the same time as I'm bends with y'all, even though
like I know all of this, Like I know all
of these things, like I've fully radicalized in twenty twenty,
but I'm still going to be friends with them. And
I remember, like whenever the school year started in twenty
(17:51):
twenty one and like we came back in person, I
was like, I have too much self respect for myself
to like stay being friends with these awful people, so
like I block them on everything, and that was my
big one. I that I ate that way too late,
but I still ate that.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Saying that twenty twenty shifted so many of our lives
would be the understatement of the millennium. Beyond the obvious,
that is the novel coronavirus. Our collective values were put
on the world stage with the brutal murders of numerous
black people, including George Floyd, and a summer teeming with protests.
(18:36):
These events sparked a great learning and unlearning in our society.
For her part, so far was dismantling the anti blackness
and queer phobia she had internalized in childhood, and she
began embracing her gender identity.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Somewhere in that. In twenty twenty, I realized I was
a transoman, and I like came out to like my
trans mass friend, and we kind of like came out
to each other. It's like, oh yeah, what.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Kind of made you get to that point where you're like, Okay,
I'm coming out as a trans woman, Like it's time,
let's go. So like, for instance, for me, it was
like I had a boyfriend at this time, my first boyfriend,
and he was a trans man, but we could understand
each other. At that point, I was like identifying as
gender clear, so I knew something genderly was happening. But
(19:35):
I remember us having these like conversations and I was
like there were just like two moments over the course
of like a weekend where we were like talking on
the phone because I was on a trip, and I
was like, you know, if I could just be a
woman all the time, everything would just be easier or
(19:56):
would just make more sense. And then the second time
I said that, it was just kind of like a oh, yes,
I'm a woman.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
I remember it was me and my best friend. She
like took me with her family to Oklahoma and we
were like in cabins for like the winter, for like
Christmas break right, and I was like, we should start
a new show, we should start Pose. And I remember
like just I was watching like those first two episodes,
(20:30):
like and I was just immediately connected with Angel, and
I was just like, I'm a woman, and it was
like Angel and just seeing her and like her afro
and how pretty she was, and I was just like
that's me, Like that's who I am. Like I willant
to live like openly and just be pretty and just
(20:53):
be like you know what I mean. And so that
was like my I'm a woman moment for sure. I'm Angel.
This is why I love going to the balls.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
When I'm able to be true to myself in a
space where that celebrated, that makes.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Me feel beautiful. Immediately I saw myself in such a
different light without like any hormones, without makeup. I was like,
I'm literally so pretty. I'm so like freaking pretty, like
with the exact same base. And I know, like you
(21:28):
don't glow up and like stuff like that, but it
was like I immediately felt pretty from just like identifying
as a trans person out, you know what I mean.
It was like taking photos on myself regularly as I
started taking pictures. I remember the first like model asqu
photo shoot that I did was on the first day
of my junior year, just like a self timer pick
photo shoot, and the pigs came out so good and
(21:50):
I had like some confidence and I was just like
looking back and then I was like, I'm pretty, Like
I'm really really pretty, Like there's no reason for me
to like ever think like that ever again. And even now,
like whenever I get my ff as my facial for sury,
I want bigger lits, you know what I mean. Like
I love my face, I love my blackness, I love
(22:12):
my lips. And so the one eighty is like amazing.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
While there's often a lot of sensationalizing around trans women's
bodies and beauty, taking control of your esthetics can be empowering.
So Far lights up as she discusses her self love journey,
and her hopes for the future. It reminds me of
my early days on hormone replacement therapy, when I'd ecstatically
(22:46):
jot down every change I felt and saw in my journal.
I'd heard so many nasty things when I came out
as trans, that I'd never be a real woman, that
I'd never be beautiful or accepted. But the physical changes
made me feel validated. Both Safara and younger me were,
(23:10):
as Queen Bee says, comfortable in our skin. And for Sophara,
what better way to put this newfound confidence on display
than ballroom baby. More on that after the break. So
(23:40):
did you change? Because we're getting ready for one of
Safara's favorite parts of the week, ballroom practice with the
House of Lapoor.
Speaker 5 (23:51):
My practice usually once a week, and we have like
open practices called like Vogue Sessions or like Vogue Academy,
which is like for any house or just anyone who's
not in the house.
Speaker 6 (24:05):
And then we also have like our own house practices.
Speaker 5 (24:08):
So today is going to be a house practice, and
we're getting ready for the Stop the r chky Ball,
which is going to be happening this Saturday in Dallas.
But for prep, it's just like we just like to
be comfortable getting something you can vogue in. And you know,
I always leave the house curly my lashes because it's
just like rightens your day.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Once Safar arrives, she'll embark on a strenuous two hour
rehearsal where she'll hone different elements of voguing and performance
for the upcoming ball. She'll be doing spins, dips, floor performances,
and duck walks, and these can be difficult moves, so
(24:51):
Mama needs to be comfortable on.
Speaker 6 (24:53):
Some like at leisure. It also like still you know,
feel a little feel a little.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Cute because ballroom is very much like I don't also
like don't know like the rating of the podcast, but
like it's Kunti's that's what ballroom is. Kunti is like
you are just feeling like the ultra feminine existence, like
you are feeling power over everything with a feminine energy
(25:22):
to it.
Speaker 6 (25:23):
It's the core a ballroom. And so I love like
having learned through ballroom and other black trans women because
it's like I have a better understanding of myself and
like conquering my own femininity.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
That feminine energy so far as talking about, well she
exudes it. Stepping into her car on the way to
practice is like entering a pink fantasy.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
So we are in. I think it's a Honda Civic
or like a Nissan I'm not a cargirl at all,
by the way, but it's on the inside. We have
a fuzzy, pink steering wheel. We have pink fuzzy dice
on the rear view marra thing. We have a pink
(26:15):
little cover thing on the middle console, and then we
have pink fuzzy seatbelt covers, and then we also have
a pink trash can in the back. So it's all pink.
It's all very elwoods, which is like so fitting because like,
I'm actually going to Harvard.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Hello Harvard, what Like it's hard kidding. Another perk of
going to the Ivy of all ivs is that nearby
Boston has a thriving ball community, so far got a
little taste of the scene during her prospective students visit.
(26:54):
She also attended a talent show hosted by the Black
Student Union. Our girl considered putting the other competitors to
shame and even practice a bit in the bathroom, but
she felt nervous and decided to just spectate. She wasn't
sure her skills were up to par, but when they
announced the lip sync battle between the incoming freshmen and
(27:17):
the current freshman, she just couldn't help herself.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Me and these two other girls. I was like, let's
lip sync to Alien Superstar by Beyonce. We like played
the song and I just did a like freestyle like
voguing moment. I did a couple of little like rumway
bits in there, but it was just like I literally
blackout because that was like my first time voguing like
(27:44):
outside of like a house practice. So I was just
like it just took control over me, like the ballroom spirit,
and it was amazing. Literally everyone was gagging after, like
you ate the fuck out of that, and I like
hit like my did like at the very end, and
it was like it was really it was a cute
moment for sure. And obviously the freshman the incoming freshman team,
(28:09):
which is my team, we won. So you know, I'm
not a performance though girl, but like I practice at
the house practices and I get ready for when I
want to like pop out a little bit, you know.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Needless to say, Miss safar ate that lip sync looks
like those practices paid off in a major way, which
brings us back to the rehearsal space in Austin. When
we walk in, she looks like she's right at home.
Speaker 7 (28:39):
Hey, coffee, so so we are in a studio space.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
It's a place where we can get our work done,
you know. But we kind of just all help each other out.
The people who like have been doing performance a bit longer,
they like help out a little the newcomers a little
bit more. Mother helps look like everything she's been judging
for years and years.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
And today so far we'll show her house mother Natalie,
what she's got for the upcoming ball. It's her time
to prove what she can do and get some necessary
feedback so she can maximize her slage. They'll be going
through those five elements of vogue. Here's the cheese sheet,
(29:29):
spins and dips, hand performance, catwalks, duck walks, and floor performance.
The dance studio has wooden floors, a wall of mirrors
on one side and a few ballet bars on the other.
Natalie has everyone lined up against the wall and one
(29:49):
by one they bring it to the floor, creating lines, movement, symmetry,
and flow.
Speaker 7 (30:01):
Up your go, here we go, here we go.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
As to falla Okay, all right, Then it spins and dips.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Just imagine three hundred and sixty degree twirls faster than
your eye can catch. Then falling to the ground and
hoping to the heavens that you landed.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
So now I need to spend it way sign a
liability form, so don't break your motherfucking bed.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Sofara and her house siblings glide across the floor gracefully,
fiercely and confidently. Okay, and now time for one of
(30:59):
Safara's favorite categories, runway. Everyone is back up against the wall,
ready to strut, serveface and prayms.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Sir, who's next?
Speaker 7 (31:12):
Pumping in walking?
Speaker 2 (31:12):
You're popping and serving.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
Yet pumping and.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Walking gets serving in pups. Pumping in walking gets serving.
You're pumping your walking, get serving your wine's FLEs.
Speaker 7 (31:19):
Walk, sir.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
When so Far walks runway, you see her transform. Her
movements become a little sharper, her facial expressions a little
more dramatic, and it's like she goes from watching herself
do the moves in the mirror to being out of
her head and fully present in her body. As she
(31:46):
struts across the floor. The confidence is palpable, and you
get the sense that she's found herself not only in
the moves, but in this community where she can be
her most authentic self. For a black trans kid who
grew up surrounded by folks who didn't celebrate or respect her.
(32:10):
This kind of space proves invaluable. I mean, she gives
it to you every ball Why you gagging?
Speaker 2 (32:19):
So I feel like ballroom has changed my entire life.
It is like literally made me so much more extroverted,
like made me like grow into my personality and my
confidence as a trans woman. When everyone in ballroom is
like loud and clear, do you get used to that? Like?
And it brings out like your extroversion a bit more
(32:41):
and it allows you to say what was on your
mind a little bit more. But it's brought out more
of me into like these non ballroom spaces by being
in ballroom. And it's just like I don't know i'd
explained it my personality. I would just say it's it's fun.
Like I say, like what I'm thinking. I'm just like
(33:01):
your typical your typical kind it girl, like extraverted it girl,
Like I just really am that, you know what I mean?
Having a very close like black queer community and like
direct family that I can talk to and text it
any mot and they're gonna like ride for me. It
is so deeply important. And you won't even realize it
until unless she's like habit.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
All the hours so far has spent rehearsing, all the
work she's done to figure out who she is and
how she wants to present herself in the world, all
that she survived. She's bringing it to this performance, and
she's in a room surrounded by others who get her,
(33:45):
love her, and cherish her.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
This is what she deserves. That's my that's my fucker system,
and we back.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Queer Chronicles is a production of School of Humans, The
Outspoken podcast Network, and iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host Raquel Willis.
You can find a list of resources in the show notes,
including trans Lifeline and.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
The Trevor Project.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
This show was written by Jordan Bailey, Edalise Perez, Aaron Edwards,
and me. Our story editors are Aaron Edwards and Julia Furlan,
Produced by Jordan Bailey, Julia Farlan and Edalise Perez. Our
senior producer is Amelia Brock, directed by Edialis Perez, sound
(34:53):
design and mixed by mv al Raheem. Theme song composed
by Jesse Niswanger, Casting by Jordan Bailey and Julia Furlan.
Fact checking by Savannah Hugley. Our production manager is Daisy Church.
Executive producers include Jay Brunson and Me from The Outspoken
(35:14):
Podcast Network, Michael Alder June and Noel Brown from iHeart Podcasts,
Virginia Prescott, Brandon Barr, and Elsie Crowley from School of
Humans and The Cats Company. Special thanks to Mariah Gossip
for capturing audio for this episode. If you're enjoying the show,
(35:34):
please share it with friends and family, and don't forget
to rate and review in your favorite podcast app.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Tune in again next week
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