July 9, 2024 • 26 mins
After some reflection, Rachel is ready to reveal who she misses the most form the cast and who she is ready to reconcile with.
And, this is JUST the beginning.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
This is Rachel Go's Rogue. Welcome back to another episode
of Rachel Goes Rope. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Levis,
and today I'm giving you the reins. Post it on
Instagram and let you guys ask me whatever was still
on your mind. Things you've been wanting. Answers to questions
(00:27):
about my personal life. I'm answering it all. Let's dive
right in because there are so many questions here and
I want to get to all of them. I'll try
to keep my answers short as short as possible, because
you know me, I go off on long tangents and
try to explain with a little bit of backstory, So
I'll try to keep it as short as possible. I
(00:48):
want to get through all these questions, and it's looking
like this will be a two part episode, so this
is part one of answering your guys' questions. First question,
curious to know if any cast members have tried communicating
since the last reunion aired. No, I don't believe any
(01:10):
of the cast members have reached out to communicate since
the last episode aired this season. No, do you miss
your friendships with any cast members? Actually? I do. I
miss my friendships with all of them. In a strange way,
(01:32):
I can say, like sincerely, I do miss my friendship
with Sheena, just like traveling to San Diego and hanging
out with her and her daughter and talking and I
don't know, hanging out and having fun. I do miss
(01:54):
that friendship. I mean, heck, I even miss Lala. I
miss Lala's fight, see energy and thinking back on some
of the interactions, like our most heated moments. I think
that there's part of me now that understands Lalla a
lot more after experiencing this entire scandal, and I have
(02:20):
an appreciation for Lalla, even Katie, Like there was a
moment for Katie and I back when James brought us
all to Palm Springs for our surprise engagement and Katie
and I had a good moment in the pool, and
that could have been a good friendship too, but I
(02:40):
did not prioritize those friendships. I think I miss everyone
except for James. Okay, next question, are you working? What
are you doing now? What is next for you? So
right now, this podcast is my job and I feel
fulfilled doing it because I feel like the best way
(03:03):
to live your life is to be in alignment with
your purpose and getting paid to do what you love.
And for me, that is healing others through my story
and being a voice for people who feel like they
(03:24):
don't have anyone to relate to. I want to be
a voice for the person that I was going through
all of this, So yes, I am that voice for
that person who may be struggling and wants answers and
doesn't know where to start. I'm hesitant to speak about
where I'm going career wise because it is private for me.
(03:47):
But I can say, like I have an interest in yoga,
doing yoga instruction. I heard that that is like a
whole lifestyle dedication and it's transformative, and I'm all about
that journey right now. I'm also very interested in sound
healing and sound bowls, and I think there's something for
(04:08):
me to explore there with the throat chakra, because overcoming
my social anxiety has been a huge part of my
soul's journey, and I feel like there's still room for
improvement because my voice still gets shaky when I'm talking
about something that is important to me. Those are just
(04:30):
some things that I am interested in in taking the
steps towards pursuing do you miss being on the show.
Part of me does, the part of me that got
external validation from being on the show and feeling like
(04:51):
I could control more of my own narrative, and that
wasn't going to be the healthiest option for me, so
that is why I opted out. But yeah, a part
of me does miss being on vander Pump Rules. Would
you do any other type of reality TV show like Traders?
(05:14):
I actually think I would do Traders. I don't know,
but I yeah, I don't think I would do a
reality show about my life. I think I would do
a reality competition show like Traders. That could be fun.
Are you dating? Will you be making public any future relationships?
(05:36):
I will be dating? Shortly, we just put out a
podcast episode talking about getting on dating apps and hinge
because that allows for the woman to take control on
who she is dating, and that seems like an ideal
(05:57):
situation for me. Will you be making public any future relationships?
That depends. It's going to be some time before I
publicly announce a relationship. We'll have to see how the
dating experience goes. If it goes well and I do
find somebody worthwhile, then perhaps I will publicize it. But
(06:22):
that's going to take some time to get to that point.
I'm actually really excited to be on a dating app.
And it's wild because before that interview, I was not
even considering online dating to be an option, and afterwards,
(06:43):
I feel like that is the way to go. And
so I'm very grateful for that dating coach Jake that
came on. Even though I didn't agree with everything he
would saying, I do feel like there was some wisdom
there and real that men are a lot less likely
(07:04):
to approach a woman in public in the wild, just
because nobody wants to be a bother to somebody else,
and I could understand that. And the dating apps are
like an intentional place to meet somebody and the woman
gets to make the first move, So that sounds very
(07:25):
appealing to me. I'd love to share more about like
setting up my Hinge profile, so maybe that will be
a future episode. What makes you a better friend today
than you were before? What have you learned? Taking care
of myself makes me a better friend than I was before.
(07:45):
Making sure that I'm taking care of all of my
needs so I'm not going somewhere else to meet those needs.
I also am making it intentional and a priority to
really work on my relationships with other women and my
(08:06):
women friendships, and right now those are all the friendships
that I have, and I think that that is a
healthy thing. I think women speaking to each other, talking
to each other is healing. And there's a study out
there somewhere that women who participate in healing circles or
(08:29):
like talking circles live longer than women who don't. My
friends and I joke like, oh hey, let's hang out
tonight and have our night healing circle. What have I learned?
I've learned that I have to fill my own cup
before I can help others and be a good friend
(08:49):
for others. So prioritizing my physical needs, my mental needs,
all of that stuff, making sure I do things that
spark joy for me, like dancing, like crafting, and then
that love just overfills to my friends. How hard was
it to go from people pleasing to setting boundaries? It
(09:11):
was really difficult because my whole journey with people pleasing
and overcoming that led me to the disaster that everybody
witnessed on season ten of Vander pump Roles. So yeah,
because getting over the people pleasing and just feeling like
(09:33):
hyper vigilant on everybody else's needs and living in anxiety
and fear. I started to overcome that and become more
selfish and self centered, and I wasn't taking care of
my own needs, so I was outsourcing that and it
led to a lot of trouble. So now I'm learning
(09:54):
to set boundaries. I think a big, big boundary for
me has been removing alcohol from my life and telling
other people like, hey, I'm probably not gonna be at
this social function if there's gonna be like major partying,
(10:15):
really being aware of what I'm walking myself into so
that I keep my sobriety. Going back to the friendship question,
I I went to this Odessa concert in LA a
(10:36):
few weekends ago, and I didn't post about it because
I left my phone in the uber and I was
out with new friends that I met at Lightning in
a bottle. This guy invited me with his date. They
were both drinking a lot, and I didn't know them
very well. I should have gotten to know them before
committing to this, but I can be a yes man
(11:01):
sometimes lessons learned. Anyway, her date turns to her and
he's like, Hey, I'm gonna go find my ex girlfriend
stay right here, and then leaves us and she's like,
what he just said, He's going to go find his
ex girlfriend. I was like, no, we don't do that.
(11:23):
We're not about that energy. Don't worry about him or
going to do our own thing. I'm adopting you and
we're gonna be fine. And she was like, but all
of my stuff is in his hotel room and I
was like, it's okay, we're going to fig that out.
And luckily we called the Uber from her phone, so
we were able to contact the Uber driver later to
get my phone. It was a whole mess, but you know,
(11:45):
we were listening to Odessa and she was crying and
I was like holding her, and I felt like I
really stepped up to the plate to be the person
that I would want to have around me in that
moment of heartbreak and disappointment and just like this night
not going as planned. But I felt like I was
(12:11):
very firm in setting that boundary and realizing that this
is not a healthy person and clearly drawing the line
like no, we're not We're not meeting up with him again.
We're going to figure out the situation tomorrow. You know,
(12:31):
when she's sober and I can't babysit her all the time.
But I did adopt her that night, and I was
happy I did because it really showed me, like dang,
like I am stepping up to the plate to be
the friend that I would want in this situation. So
that was a big moment for me, happy it happened,
(12:52):
learned some lessons and set some boundaries. How can you
trust to be vulnerable with men and dating now? It's difficult.
(13:16):
I trust that not all men are pieces of u s.
I have some experience now hanging out with healthy people
and their boyfriends that there are good quality men out there,
and it may just take some time and being honest
(13:37):
and truthful to who I am and ending things when
I feel like it's not going anywhere. I have to
trust that there are good quality men out there that
I can be vulnerable with. But I think the whole
dating process for me right now is going to be
vetting out these guys to find the one that I
(13:59):
can feel my most vulnerable with and that I can
live in the moment with and trust. Because I've gotten
lost in relationships before, and I'm not saying that I'll
get lost in this relationship again. But life is not easy,
and I'm sure there are going to be really hard
(14:20):
situations for me in the future that I'm going to
have to deal with, and I'm going to need to
lean on the people that are in my closest circle.
So yeah, I would like to have someone who is trustworthy,
who has integrity, who is a safe person, who can
(14:42):
protect me and ensure that I am making good decisions
for myself and it's supporting me in my decisions. And
you know, I still want to be an independent person,
but I think finding a I don't know why do
I want to say soulmate because that just seems extreme,
(15:05):
but like a mate to do life with, right, Yeah, Okay.
How do you feel about Nick Vil's comments? Nick? Okay, Nick, So,
I appreciate your interest in me coming onto your show.
I feel like there's not really a point because I
feel like I've pretty much addressed everything on my own podcast.
(15:28):
I mean, I don't know what else he's saying about me, honestly,
but I think he plays to the fans a lot,
and he is there to create entertainment and he doesn't
care how it affects his guests that come on. So
that's not in alignment with my values, and so therefore
(15:50):
I don't have an interest to come on right now?
What steps are you taking to stop blaming yourself for
things that are out of your control? Dang? The first
step is acceptance, accepting the things that I cannot change,
(16:10):
and then not only accepting it, but embracing it for
what it is, and then understanding what I can change
and being courageous enough to take action with that. And
those are the steps. Yeah, it's total complete acceptance, and
(16:33):
it's also having faith that everything is serving a purpose
for my highest good. And I guess this question is
specifically asking about how I'm stopping to blame myself for
these things. I give myself grace. I understand that I'm
(16:54):
a human and we are put on this earth to
make mistakes, to learn from them and to grow from them.
And so I stopped blaming myself by giving myself some grace.
How are you able to lie for so long and
not feel guilty? Oh, these questions, you guys putting me
(17:15):
on the hot seat. I did feel guilty. I felt very,
very guilty, so guilty that I was escaping from reality,
which was further perpetuating this cycle because I felt guilty
for my actions and I sought out solace from an
(17:39):
individual that I should not have been putting so much
power in this person's hands. And I was drinking so
much alcohol to cope with that anxiety and that pain.
And that may sound like an excuse to some of
(18:00):
you guys, but that is the facts. And I don't
think I necessarily had an alcohol problem. I'm not an alcoholic,
but I was abusing alcohol hardcore. So that is why
I've taken the steps to completely cut alcohol out of
(18:22):
my life, because I'm able to think a lot clearer,
and I've taken back my power to start making my
own decisions and life and not letting other people run
the show. Okay, how was I able to lie for
so long? Though? That's a good question. I think I've
(18:44):
gotten really good at masking my true emotions and not
letting people see me for my full self. You know,
growing up into young adulthood, I had this wall up,
this wall of pleasant where I would I would show
(19:09):
up with a smile on my face and I would
make sure that I wasn't causing any anxiety for other people,
so that that would cause, you know, like I felt
safest showing up to social settings with a smile on
(19:30):
my face, because that kept me safe in a way.
But as I got older, I realized now that that
is not helpful for me anymore. It may have been
helpful for me as a child, but as an adult,
it's actually hindering me. I do believe that I was
able to lie for so long because I have been
(19:56):
a master at masking my true emotion for so long.
What wellness routines do you do for your mental health? Well,
(20:16):
when I feel like I am feeling like I'm not grounded,
I will practice breathing. Breathing is always a go to.
You can never go wrong with breathing. Typically, you want
to have your exhale be longer than you're inhale if
you're trying to relax. And this helps me get back
(20:40):
into my body. Feeling my fingertips, feeling my toes helps
me as well. And naming different objects in the room
keeps me in this room. Sounds bizarre, but it does help.
Other wellness routine, I try to work out every day.
(21:04):
Sometimes it doesn't happen, but I do love going for walks.
I love going to yoga and pilates and hiking, and
sometimes I'll call a friend and just pace around the
house and sometimes I count that as cardio other wellness routines. Okay,
(21:24):
so I've gotten back into crafting and arts and crafts
was a big pillar in the Meadows structure. We had
art therapy basically where a therapist would analyze your art,
and it was cool there. There were like portals and
(21:47):
certain meanings and having somebody analyze your art was I don't.
I guess it like crimed me to create my own
art and just like you know, let it go. Whatever
happens will happen. And I'm not trying to achieve anything.
I'm just gonna tear out what feels good to me
(22:08):
and put it down on a board. And I've been
able to analyze my art and I feel like that
has reconnected me to my inner child the most out
of everything that I've done, doing art has reconnected me
to my inner child. So yeah, that's super exciting to
know going forward in my life. So I highly recommend that. Oh,
(22:35):
this next question is suiting too. Do you still want
to work with kids? I I am not so sure anymore.
I think that kids are a lot of work and
they require a lot of patience, and I used to
think that because I was a very patient person, that
(22:57):
I could handle that job and I would be good
at it and I would excel at it. And I
also can empathize and understand where kids come from that
have disabilities and learning disabilities because I have my own
set of struggles and I figured out ways in my
life that has helped me in my learning and me
(23:19):
and my processing. So that was my whole motive behind
pursuing occupational therapy, which is basically like play therapy for kids.
It structured play therapy to work on gross motor skills
and find motor skills like writing. And I did do
(23:40):
an internship at a occupational therapy clinic in Beverly Hills
and it was very cool. But as I'm getting older,
because also it was like I decided this in college
when I switched my major from physical therapy to occupational therapy,
and I realized then that I love kids, and I
(24:03):
felt like I was an adult for the first time.
But now that I feel like I'm truly an adult,
I feel like nurturing my inner child is all the
kid playtime that I can handle. Right now, I feel
more connected to adults, and after going through this major
(24:28):
life experience, I feel like I have so much more
wisdom and knowledge and literally experience that I think I
want to pursue a career working with adults now. Yeah,
(24:49):
so that's where I'm at. Do you regret anything? Yeah?
I regret a lot, a lot, a lot, but also
all of that I needed to experience in a way.
But the part that I regret is hurting other people
(25:11):
and neglecting other people's experience of how my behavior was
impacting them. So that is the part that I regret
the most. Okay, I feel like that's a good place
to put a pen in this. There are still a
(25:32):
ton of questions that you guys sent in and I
do want to cover all of them, so we will
come back for a part two. But in the meantime,
just know that you are worthy, you are loved, and
you deserve nothing but the best. Go out there and
be your favorite self, and I love you and thank
(25:53):
you for listening. Thank you so much for listening to
Rachel Gos Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for
exclusive video content at Rachel Ghos Rogue Podcast
This is Rachel Go's Rogue. Welcome back to another episode
of Rachel Goes Rope. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Levis,
and today I'm giving you the reins. Post it on
Instagram and let you guys ask me whatever was still
on your mind. Things you've been wanting. Answers to questions
(00:27):
about my personal life. I'm answering it all. Let's dive
right in because there are so many questions here and
I want to get to all of them. I'll try
to keep my answers short as short as possible, because
you know me, I go off on long tangents and
try to explain with a little bit of backstory, So
I'll try to keep it as short as possible. I
(00:48):
want to get through all these questions, and it's looking
like this will be a two part episode, so this
is part one of answering your guys' questions. First question,
curious to know if any cast members have tried communicating
since the last reunion aired. No, I don't believe any
(01:10):
of the cast members have reached out to communicate since
the last episode aired this season. No, do you miss
your friendships with any cast members? Actually? I do. I
miss my friendships with all of them. In a strange way,
(01:32):
I can say, like sincerely, I do miss my friendship
with Sheena, just like traveling to San Diego and hanging
out with her and her daughter and talking and I
don't know, hanging out and having fun. I do miss
(01:54):
that friendship. I mean, heck, I even miss Lala. I
miss Lala's fight, see energy and thinking back on some
of the interactions, like our most heated moments. I think
that there's part of me now that understands Lalla a
lot more after experiencing this entire scandal, and I have
(02:20):
an appreciation for Lalla, even Katie, Like there was a
moment for Katie and I back when James brought us
all to Palm Springs for our surprise engagement and Katie
and I had a good moment in the pool, and
that could have been a good friendship too, but I
(02:40):
did not prioritize those friendships. I think I miss everyone
except for James. Okay, next question, are you working? What
are you doing now? What is next for you? So
right now, this podcast is my job and I feel
fulfilled doing it because I feel like the best way
(03:03):
to live your life is to be in alignment with
your purpose and getting paid to do what you love.
And for me, that is healing others through my story
and being a voice for people who feel like they
(03:24):
don't have anyone to relate to. I want to be
a voice for the person that I was going through
all of this, So yes, I am that voice for
that person who may be struggling and wants answers and
doesn't know where to start. I'm hesitant to speak about
where I'm going career wise because it is private for me.
(03:47):
But I can say, like I have an interest in yoga,
doing yoga instruction. I heard that that is like a
whole lifestyle dedication and it's transformative, and I'm all about
that journey right now. I'm also very interested in sound
healing and sound bowls, and I think there's something for
(04:08):
me to explore there with the throat chakra, because overcoming
my social anxiety has been a huge part of my
soul's journey, and I feel like there's still room for
improvement because my voice still gets shaky when I'm talking
about something that is important to me. Those are just
(04:30):
some things that I am interested in in taking the
steps towards pursuing do you miss being on the show.
Part of me does, the part of me that got
external validation from being on the show and feeling like
(04:51):
I could control more of my own narrative, and that
wasn't going to be the healthiest option for me, so
that is why I opted out. But yeah, a part
of me does miss being on vander Pump Rules. Would
you do any other type of reality TV show like Traders?
(05:14):
I actually think I would do Traders. I don't know,
but I yeah, I don't think I would do a
reality show about my life. I think I would do
a reality competition show like Traders. That could be fun.
Are you dating? Will you be making public any future relationships?
(05:36):
I will be dating? Shortly, we just put out a
podcast episode talking about getting on dating apps and hinge
because that allows for the woman to take control on
who she is dating, and that seems like an ideal
(05:57):
situation for me. Will you be making public any future relationships?
That depends. It's going to be some time before I
publicly announce a relationship. We'll have to see how the
dating experience goes. If it goes well and I do
find somebody worthwhile, then perhaps I will publicize it. But
(06:22):
that's going to take some time to get to that point.
I'm actually really excited to be on a dating app.
And it's wild because before that interview, I was not
even considering online dating to be an option, and afterwards,
(06:43):
I feel like that is the way to go. And
so I'm very grateful for that dating coach Jake that
came on. Even though I didn't agree with everything he
would saying, I do feel like there was some wisdom
there and real that men are a lot less likely
(07:04):
to approach a woman in public in the wild, just
because nobody wants to be a bother to somebody else,
and I could understand that. And the dating apps are
like an intentional place to meet somebody and the woman
gets to make the first move, So that sounds very
(07:25):
appealing to me. I'd love to share more about like
setting up my Hinge profile, so maybe that will be
a future episode. What makes you a better friend today
than you were before? What have you learned? Taking care
of myself makes me a better friend than I was before.
(07:45):
Making sure that I'm taking care of all of my
needs so I'm not going somewhere else to meet those needs.
I also am making it intentional and a priority to
really work on my relationships with other women and my
(08:06):
women friendships, and right now those are all the friendships
that I have, and I think that that is a
healthy thing. I think women speaking to each other, talking
to each other is healing. And there's a study out
there somewhere that women who participate in healing circles or
(08:29):
like talking circles live longer than women who don't. My
friends and I joke like, oh hey, let's hang out
tonight and have our night healing circle. What have I learned?
I've learned that I have to fill my own cup
before I can help others and be a good friend
(08:49):
for others. So prioritizing my physical needs, my mental needs,
all of that stuff, making sure I do things that
spark joy for me, like dancing, like crafting, and then
that love just overfills to my friends. How hard was
it to go from people pleasing to setting boundaries? It
(09:11):
was really difficult because my whole journey with people pleasing
and overcoming that led me to the disaster that everybody
witnessed on season ten of Vander pump Roles. So yeah,
because getting over the people pleasing and just feeling like
(09:33):
hyper vigilant on everybody else's needs and living in anxiety
and fear. I started to overcome that and become more
selfish and self centered, and I wasn't taking care of
my own needs, so I was outsourcing that and it
led to a lot of trouble. So now I'm learning
(09:54):
to set boundaries. I think a big, big boundary for
me has been removing alcohol from my life and telling
other people like, hey, I'm probably not gonna be at
this social function if there's gonna be like major partying,
(10:15):
really being aware of what I'm walking myself into so
that I keep my sobriety. Going back to the friendship question,
I I went to this Odessa concert in LA a
(10:36):
few weekends ago, and I didn't post about it because
I left my phone in the uber and I was
out with new friends that I met at Lightning in
a bottle. This guy invited me with his date. They
were both drinking a lot, and I didn't know them
very well. I should have gotten to know them before
committing to this, but I can be a yes man
(11:01):
sometimes lessons learned. Anyway, her date turns to her and
he's like, Hey, I'm gonna go find my ex girlfriend
stay right here, and then leaves us and she's like,
what he just said, He's going to go find his
ex girlfriend. I was like, no, we don't do that.
(11:23):
We're not about that energy. Don't worry about him or
going to do our own thing. I'm adopting you and
we're gonna be fine. And she was like, but all
of my stuff is in his hotel room and I
was like, it's okay, we're going to fig that out.
And luckily we called the Uber from her phone, so
we were able to contact the Uber driver later to
get my phone. It was a whole mess, but you know,
(11:45):
we were listening to Odessa and she was crying and
I was like holding her, and I felt like I
really stepped up to the plate to be the person
that I would want to have around me in that
moment of heartbreak and disappointment and just like this night
not going as planned. But I felt like I was
(12:11):
very firm in setting that boundary and realizing that this
is not a healthy person and clearly drawing the line
like no, we're not We're not meeting up with him again.
We're going to figure out the situation tomorrow. You know,
(12:31):
when she's sober and I can't babysit her all the time.
But I did adopt her that night, and I was
happy I did because it really showed me, like dang,
like I am stepping up to the plate to be
the friend that I would want in this situation. So
that was a big moment for me, happy it happened,
(12:52):
learned some lessons and set some boundaries. How can you
trust to be vulnerable with men and dating now? It's difficult.
(13:16):
I trust that not all men are pieces of u s.
I have some experience now hanging out with healthy people
and their boyfriends that there are good quality men out there,
and it may just take some time and being honest
(13:37):
and truthful to who I am and ending things when
I feel like it's not going anywhere. I have to
trust that there are good quality men out there that
I can be vulnerable with. But I think the whole
dating process for me right now is going to be
vetting out these guys to find the one that I
(13:59):
can feel my most vulnerable with and that I can
live in the moment with and trust. Because I've gotten
lost in relationships before, and I'm not saying that I'll
get lost in this relationship again. But life is not easy,
and I'm sure there are going to be really hard
(14:20):
situations for me in the future that I'm going to
have to deal with, and I'm going to need to
lean on the people that are in my closest circle.
So yeah, I would like to have someone who is trustworthy,
who has integrity, who is a safe person, who can
(14:42):
protect me and ensure that I am making good decisions
for myself and it's supporting me in my decisions. And
you know, I still want to be an independent person,
but I think finding a I don't know why do
I want to say soulmate because that just seems extreme,
(15:05):
but like a mate to do life with, right, Yeah, Okay.
How do you feel about Nick Vil's comments? Nick? Okay, Nick, So,
I appreciate your interest in me coming onto your show.
I feel like there's not really a point because I
feel like I've pretty much addressed everything on my own podcast.
(15:28):
I mean, I don't know what else he's saying about me, honestly,
but I think he plays to the fans a lot,
and he is there to create entertainment and he doesn't
care how it affects his guests that come on. So
that's not in alignment with my values, and so therefore
(15:50):
I don't have an interest to come on right now?
What steps are you taking to stop blaming yourself for
things that are out of your control? Dang? The first
step is acceptance, accepting the things that I cannot change,
(16:10):
and then not only accepting it, but embracing it for
what it is, and then understanding what I can change
and being courageous enough to take action with that. And
those are the steps. Yeah, it's total complete acceptance, and
(16:33):
it's also having faith that everything is serving a purpose
for my highest good. And I guess this question is
specifically asking about how I'm stopping to blame myself for
these things. I give myself grace. I understand that I'm
(16:54):
a human and we are put on this earth to
make mistakes, to learn from them and to grow from them.
And so I stopped blaming myself by giving myself some grace.
How are you able to lie for so long and
not feel guilty? Oh, these questions, you guys putting me
(17:15):
on the hot seat. I did feel guilty. I felt very,
very guilty, so guilty that I was escaping from reality,
which was further perpetuating this cycle because I felt guilty
for my actions and I sought out solace from an
(17:39):
individual that I should not have been putting so much
power in this person's hands. And I was drinking so
much alcohol to cope with that anxiety and that pain.
And that may sound like an excuse to some of
(18:00):
you guys, but that is the facts. And I don't
think I necessarily had an alcohol problem. I'm not an alcoholic,
but I was abusing alcohol hardcore. So that is why
I've taken the steps to completely cut alcohol out of
(18:22):
my life, because I'm able to think a lot clearer,
and I've taken back my power to start making my
own decisions and life and not letting other people run
the show. Okay, how was I able to lie for
so long? Though? That's a good question. I think I've
(18:44):
gotten really good at masking my true emotions and not
letting people see me for my full self. You know,
growing up into young adulthood, I had this wall up,
this wall of pleasant where I would I would show
(19:09):
up with a smile on my face and I would
make sure that I wasn't causing any anxiety for other people,
so that that would cause, you know, like I felt
safest showing up to social settings with a smile on
(19:30):
my face, because that kept me safe in a way.
But as I got older, I realized now that that
is not helpful for me anymore. It may have been
helpful for me as a child, but as an adult,
it's actually hindering me. I do believe that I was
able to lie for so long because I have been
(19:56):
a master at masking my true emotion for so long.
What wellness routines do you do for your mental health? Well,
(20:16):
when I feel like I am feeling like I'm not grounded,
I will practice breathing. Breathing is always a go to.
You can never go wrong with breathing. Typically, you want
to have your exhale be longer than you're inhale if
you're trying to relax. And this helps me get back
(20:40):
into my body. Feeling my fingertips, feeling my toes helps
me as well. And naming different objects in the room
keeps me in this room. Sounds bizarre, but it does help.
Other wellness routine, I try to work out every day.
(21:04):
Sometimes it doesn't happen, but I do love going for walks.
I love going to yoga and pilates and hiking, and
sometimes I'll call a friend and just pace around the
house and sometimes I count that as cardio other wellness routines. Okay,
(21:24):
so I've gotten back into crafting and arts and crafts
was a big pillar in the Meadows structure. We had
art therapy basically where a therapist would analyze your art,
and it was cool there. There were like portals and
(21:47):
certain meanings and having somebody analyze your art was I don't.
I guess it like crimed me to create my own
art and just like you know, let it go. Whatever
happens will happen. And I'm not trying to achieve anything.
I'm just gonna tear out what feels good to me
(22:08):
and put it down on a board. And I've been
able to analyze my art and I feel like that
has reconnected me to my inner child the most out
of everything that I've done, doing art has reconnected me
to my inner child. So yeah, that's super exciting to
know going forward in my life. So I highly recommend that. Oh,
(22:35):
this next question is suiting too. Do you still want
to work with kids? I I am not so sure anymore.
I think that kids are a lot of work and
they require a lot of patience, and I used to
think that because I was a very patient person, that
(22:57):
I could handle that job and I would be good
at it and I would excel at it. And I
also can empathize and understand where kids come from that
have disabilities and learning disabilities because I have my own
set of struggles and I figured out ways in my
life that has helped me in my learning and me
(23:19):
and my processing. So that was my whole motive behind
pursuing occupational therapy, which is basically like play therapy for kids.
It structured play therapy to work on gross motor skills
and find motor skills like writing. And I did do
(23:40):
an internship at a occupational therapy clinic in Beverly Hills
and it was very cool. But as I'm getting older,
because also it was like I decided this in college
when I switched my major from physical therapy to occupational therapy,
and I realized then that I love kids, and I
(24:03):
felt like I was an adult for the first time.
But now that I feel like I'm truly an adult,
I feel like nurturing my inner child is all the
kid playtime that I can handle. Right now, I feel
more connected to adults, and after going through this major
(24:28):
life experience, I feel like I have so much more
wisdom and knowledge and literally experience that I think I
want to pursue a career working with adults now. Yeah,
(24:49):
so that's where I'm at. Do you regret anything? Yeah?
I regret a lot, a lot, a lot, but also
all of that I needed to experience in a way.
But the part that I regret is hurting other people
(25:11):
and neglecting other people's experience of how my behavior was
impacting them. So that is the part that I regret
the most. Okay, I feel like that's a good place
to put a pen in this. There are still a
(25:32):
ton of questions that you guys sent in and I
do want to cover all of them, so we will
come back for a part two. But in the meantime,
just know that you are worthy, you are loved, and
you deserve nothing but the best. Go out there and
be your favorite self, and I love you and thank
(25:53):
you for listening. Thank you so much for listening to
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