June 10, 2021 • 29 mins
Kelly Osbourne, daughter of rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, recently relapsed after four years of sobriety. Kelly comes to the Table to reveal how one drink turned into multiple bottles, the moment she realized she was in trouble, and the high price of her addiction.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
And R T T exclusive for you sober until a
few weeks ago, but all fell apart. I had two
glasses and then the day after that it was bottles
like full bottles to yourself, the daughter of music Royalty.
I was introduced to alcohol because I came from an
alcoholic family, my father being the heaviest drinker I've ever
seen in my life. Who followed in her famous father's footsteps.
(00:25):
It went from Viking into Percoset, from Percoset to Harolin.
Now Kelly Osbourne comes clean. I never went to work sober,
I never went to Dennis sob I didn't do anything
so but the high price of addiction. I would have
loved to be married and have children by now a
red table wake up call not to be missed. What
(00:47):
was the moment when you realize, like, oh damn, this
is so cool. Oh I love hearing your guys as
little tiny feet. You got a little feet too, a
(01:08):
little feet for your size. I do, I do. You're
actually right and you have really little feet. Will for
me to be this tall? You got tiny tiny thing.
It is a good thing. That's actually a blessing big time.
He's going to be a crazy today is a. It's
a deep one. This is a deep one. We all
have a whoa. We have a lot of tic But
(01:30):
this will be really good for me because when I
was a teenager, Gamen wanted me to go to alan
On and I went once. So this will be a
good one for me, just to kind of smooth out
some of my might be cathartic for you. I think
it will be. Millions watched Kelly Osborne grow up as
(01:51):
the spirited teenage daughter on her family's iconic, award winning
reality show The Osbourne's, led by music legend Ozzy and
his manager wife Sharon Shuck, was the most watched series
ever on MTV. My connection to the Osbournes was created
(02:11):
through my heavy metal music journey. They supported my band,
Wicked Wisdom. Sharon open doors for us by inviting us
on oz Fest, our first metal tour. When Kelly, their
popular middle child, made this recent brave public confession about
her traumatic battle with addiction. This is a little hard
for me to talk about, but I relapsed, not proud
(02:37):
of it. We invited her to the table to share
her very personal story. You have no idea how excited
I am welcome you get to see to the table
when I'm loving this makeup today, thank you, the whole outfit.
(03:08):
I couldn't see last next. I was so excited about
doing this. Yes, yes, walk us through like what happened.
There's so much like irony in this last relapse for
me because I made it all the way through the pandemic.
I made it all the way through, and you had
four years, almost four years of sobriety. So what environment
(03:29):
were you in, Kelly when you took your first drink
in your relapse? When I was alone, sitting by a
pool and waiting for somebody to come have a meeting
with me, and I saw this woman and her husband
had a glass of champagne and it looked really nice,
and I was like, oh, I can do that too. Wow.
And then the next day I had two glasses, and
(03:51):
then the day after that it was bottles, like full
bottles to yourself. I've been there too. Couldn't even hold
back on it for the first two is I could
handle just having one drink. But it was because I
sat there and was like, you really having one drink
and you're gonna prove everyone that you're normal now and
you can do this, and all of a sudden everything's
falling apart. What was the moment when you realize, like,
(04:32):
oh damn. I was at my boyfriend's house and I
was faced on his couch eating pizza, and he looked
over at me, and I felt the way he looked
at me, and I was like, oh no, I never
want him to look at me like that again. Ever,
Like that didn't make me feel good? What am I doing?
(04:55):
But he knew you had been drinking, and he never
said anything to you about I'm like a closet drink
I don't like to drink with people or two like dark.
How did your boyfriend react? He was disappointed because he
hadn't seen that side of me, so to suddenly were like, well,
this is the side never wanted to see. You've seen it.
(05:15):
Let's hope you never meet her again. It was embarrassing
because for the first time ever, I actually care how
he feels, and I care how my behavior impacts him.
I only want to be the best version of myself
my family and my boyfriend and my friends. And I
(05:36):
was not. I was the furthest thing away from that. Yeah,
and it happened like that. I've never had a boyfriend
who's supportive of me in that area before, and he
is very communicative and incredible in that way, so it's
really nice. That's beautiful, and my parents like him. So
that's also. Your substance of choice was alcohol. That is
(06:01):
always my substance of choice. My drug of choice is
our alcohol. I love it and I don't love it
because I like the way it makes me feel. I
like that it makes me not feel. Yeah, I know
about that one. I want to be numb to everything.
And at first I was like, oh, I'm fixed, because
I don't actually want to be numb right now. I
just want to celebrate because I'm because I'm doing amazing
(06:24):
and I can drink like a normal person. I have
an amazing boyfriend. I made it through the pandemic. I
think I'm fixed. Oh wow, okay, what's not fixed? A little?
Do I know that you're just being a full blown psycho.
It feels a little bit like wishful thinking, like like
I definitely feel like I've I've felt that before in
my life, where it's like why am I different? Like
(06:45):
people do have it because it turns into bottles. The
worst thing I can do is be in a room
alone with myself because that's when I'm like, Okay, what
can I do? I normally do when I'm bored, I
would drink. I sit there and I go through things
over and over and over in my head. And the
(07:06):
biggest turning point for me was I stopped living in
God's will. I was living in my will, my will,
and that was when I was like, I let go
of my tools what I used to to stay clean
every single day, because it's a battle for me every
single day, never ever going to get easy. I have
(07:28):
to hold myself accountable for every single thing I do.
And I think that's why it was so important to
me that I just came right out and said it.
I just wanted to tell you guys the truth, because
I never ever want like to you. I didn't even
tell my family yet. I just did it, and then
I got all the phone calls because I knew that
if I didn't, I could have flown under the radar
(07:50):
for a long time like that and no one would
have known, and I just would have spent the last
four years building a life that I just destroyed in
one drink. Mom, what would you say that it got
I won't say easy, but you you have more ease
with your recovery. How many years definitely past five years,
maybe maybe into ten years that you were just like
(08:16):
just because the issue is not at some point in time,
the issue is not the drugs, it's you or the alcohol. Yes, yeah,
it's always been me. It's always been ways you. How
did your relationship with alcohol begin. I was introduced to
alcohol because I came from an alcoholic family. So I
(08:37):
grew up with my father being a extremely if not
probably the heaviest drink I've ever seen in my life.
I'm trying to think of the best way to put this,
so that the alcohol was there. I moved to America,
I was the king, and I was so foreign. I
couldn't be more foreign, very English most of and people
(09:00):
didn't understand what I was saying. My parents put me
in my first American school, and I just felt by
the wayside. And I've never been to a school like
that before. I'd always gone to all girls schools. And
then it was just night and day different. On my
first day of school, a kid said to me, my
daddy's a lawyer and he makes three million dollars a year,
and he's going to buy me a BMW for my
(09:22):
first car, What are you going to get? And I
went excuse me. I just was like, oh my god,
I've woken up and I'm in the movie Clueless. I
didn't really fit in any work, so I got really,
really insecure. I still had those glass I then kept
(09:47):
getting sick and I had a really bad case of tonsilitis.
They ended up having to give me some crazy surgery
and then after that they gave me Vikdin and that
was all I needed And are you killing me right now?
I went from having every voice in my head being like,
you're fat, you're ugly, You're not good enough, no one
(10:07):
likes you, you don't deserve this people, and because your
parents are and then all of a sudden, every single
voice was silenced and it felt like life gave me
a hug. So how old were you when you get you?
And then we'll do that rike it into a thirty
year I cannot believe that. I was like, why am
I so confident in all of this? Yeah? And then
(10:31):
very quickly it went from Viking into Percocet, from Percocet
to um Heroine. Eventually, because it was cheaper, I got
caught buying it, and then the very next day, my
mom put me in rehab. I was like, this is
just vacation without a bar. I'm gonna get out and
do exactly what I want to do when I leave here,
because I was not ready to lose my safety blanket.
(10:51):
How old were you when you were in rehab? The
first time I went to rehab, I was nineteen, and
I've been going in and out of those places ever since.
Do you feel as though there was any parts of
your addiction that might have robbed you of life experiences
in any way? I feel very behind as a woman.
(11:12):
I would have loved to be married and have children
by now. My brother has three daughters, and I would
have loved to have had a few kids by now,
but that wasn't what was in the card to me. Yes, right,
And I would have been no kind of mother at
all because I was like that crazy addict that was like, oh, yeah,
I'll just stop doing drugs and I get pregnant cause
I'll have to. That's insane that I would ever even
(11:33):
think that. Not normal to now really getting to the
bottom of everything and allowing myself to be vulnerable, which
is very hard for me because my natural instinct is
just to tell everyone off. But that doesn't do me
or anyone any favors ever with you on that one.
(11:55):
Your dad struggled with alcoholism, and have you guys been
able to connect in any way. I've always been a
daddy's girl. I go to my dad for everything. First
phone call every day is from my dad every day.
So it's really awesome that we get to have that.
And it's weird we've turned something so ugly into something
(12:15):
that's actually really beautiful. Me and my brother and my
dad all bond with each other over because Jack is recovery,
he's hand Seriously, I always say to him, I know
it's sort of competition, but I am so jealous of
the way that he has been able to handle his
recovery because he's so matter of fact. I am not right,
(12:41):
I am not I make everything more difficult. He's got
all girls. Wow. So that's Pearl in the USA shirt,
Minnie who he's wearing in the bumbalina, and he is
the mermaid. That's so sweet and funny. I love them
(13:02):
all so much. It's really interesting how my brother's three
children kind of parallel us. Calls a lot like Amy,
and he's a lot like me. And Minnie's a lot
like Jack. Did Jack have any specific words of wisdom
when it came to this relapse. I think for Jack
he was crucial in me just you've got to get
(13:23):
honest with someone. Yeah, one person, It doesn't matter who
it is, as long as you're honest with one person.
And my brother is that person to me. So I
told him everything, and him and I put together a
plan to get myself feeling strong and supported. And that's
honestly one of the most important parts. It's like to
just be able to just like you said, that one person,
(13:46):
that one person that you can just open up to
tell the truth too. And my problem has never been
not telling the truth. I tell too much truth. If anything,
you will never ever ever be able to have a
conversation where somebody truly understands you if you're not talking
to another alcoholic, because they will never understand it, they
(14:06):
will never get it. And that's why for me, the
fellowship and being a part of the community and having
that ripped away from me during the pandemic was such
a shell shop for me. Everything that I had taught
myself on how to live and rebuild my life was gone.
But it also became the excuse I needed, right, So, wow,
(14:27):
it's asking for help, that's the part. Yeah, that's the part.
We can use the kids. I get through that shame
spiral of am I good enough for help? Help? Yeah?
I've done this again and this is all my fault again. Right, Well,
someone loved me through my flaws. Somebody loved me when
I'm down. But that's what happened until you do. Yeah,
(14:49):
that's what happened to you. Do you gotta It has
to start with you. I remember, in seeking my own honesty,
recognizing that a lot of times I really didn't even
know what was the truth for myself. Yeah, that's that's
the one. I actually don't know what's real and what's
not anyway, I don't know. I don't know if I
(15:12):
actually really like those things or if I've been pretending
to like them because I'm placating you. Yeah, not one
of my problems as people pleasing. Yeah, and I'll just
say yes to everything. On top of the addictions that
you've had, you also have codependency issues. Yeah, I give
(15:32):
become addicted to anything and become a codependent with anything. Yeah,
I'm a fixer for my friends. If I see somebody
that's suffering, I go in and I help. Before I
know it, I always myself and I've left nothing for me. Yeah,
and then we end up being ain't getting all distracted
and thinking you actually helping somebody, You really ain't helping nobody.
(15:58):
You want help some mind when you messed up, messed
up back there and get you together about that. And
then now I'm learning the power of no, which makes
me feel like a bit. You're just like, but it's
that boundary setting, you know, the human mind. Man. Like
(16:19):
I'm just sitting here like something minute, I'm like, yo, Like,
there's this lyric that has it's just been going through
my mind as we're talking about this. Um it's actually
a kid cutting lyric that goes nothing can keep me
from peace but me, and that's the truth. And I
was like, Yo, it's the truth. Anything that's wrong in
my life, it's me. Yes, every single time, it's not
(16:40):
because someone else did something to me. That's right. I
didn't get the job that I wanted. No, No, it's you.
It's you. And I've also learned that it's okay to
be uncomfortable. Yeah, do you feel like you have a
really solid support system? In your now. I went back
to outpatient because I need a new support group because
(17:03):
unfortunately of my women's group relapse during the pandemic. Yes
where most of those women fairly early in different One
of them is like twenty four years now, the one
is sixteen years. One was a year wow. And it's
(17:24):
the isolation to its isolation is change. I don't do
well with change. I'm a creature of habit. I eat
the same thing every single day. I have the same
routine every single day. And I think that's part of
my alcoholism is I learned to survive by putting a
schedule in place. I do good with boundaries. Yeah, I
(17:46):
had to have a specific routine. People needed to know
where I was. Even the other day, I woke up.
We weren't working that day, and I kind of woke
up like, like what am I doing today? What am
I doing today? Like I can't have too much time.
(18:07):
I feel out of sorts. Isn't it so strange that
my best thinking wants me to be drunk and alone
in a room by myself. That's like where my addict
is most comfortable. That's the nature of how deceitful addiction is.
Because you can really walk around believing that right. I
believe that you have to be in treatment for the
(18:29):
rest of your life. Yes, and I'm speaking from my experience.
First year of sobriety is the most difficult year for
anybody's life because it's almost like you get reborn but
with zero skills. When I first got sober, I didn't
feel like I deserved to be in any room that
I was in. And then I'd gained so much weight,
so I thought that everyone was just looking at me,
(18:50):
like she's fat and disgusting, and like people are taking
pictures of me and I could see them, look how
fat Kelly os One is now. So it's like you
have to get in touch with one abilities and things
that trigger you. Like I never went to work sober,
I never went to dinner sober. I didn't do anything
like nothing sober, so to do things for the first
(19:12):
time again, that was really scary. My first year of
sobriety was all about fixing the mind. So I did
two full years of therapy every single day. When you
talk about fixing the mind, what aspect of your mind
were you trying to fix? All of it? All of
it emotional trauma? How I internalize them, and then regurgitate them.
(19:33):
I can fall into like self victimization real quick. Most
addicts do that. We become the vic quality that I
don't like having. For me, it was just about happiness.
I didn't know if I wanted to come back and
work in Hollywood anymore. I had been working on TV
since I was fourteen, and so I took two years off,
(19:53):
did the therapy, figured out that I really wanted to
be sober. I really want the life that I've worked
for and the opportunities that I've been given, and I
don't want to take another day for granted. And this
program has taught me to be such a better person
than I was, and skills and patience and acceptance and
(20:13):
surrender with something that was really hard for me. And
that's you know, and so I'm important to understand that
it's so much more than just not using. Yeah, that's
so much. Do you recovery still full for the shame
spirals where the smallest thing can put you in a
shame spiral and then all of a sudden, you're like,
(20:33):
my biggest thing is that? Definitely like just feeling like
not worthy, Yeah, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough.
I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything
to offer. Like, even if I'm at a meeting, it's
very rare that you'll hear me say anything because I
always feel like I don't have anything to share, I
don't have anything to add. I feel like I've seen
(20:55):
what you're talking about, that shame spiral when you talk
about moms childhood. Oh my god, and like I feel
that in you a lot. And we're always trying to
I mean, we're always trying to tell you that. It's like,
I mean, you created, she has, she's gotten better. So
I'm again, you gotten better with that you give because
(21:16):
you don't go into it like you used to. Yeah,
because I used to be like damn gam like yeah, no,
she she's gotten better. So I let her have whatever
little moment she has, because it's only a moment instead
of like hours or days. The first five years of
my recovery, at least, I would be whining in the
meetings about all the guilt that I was carrying about,
(21:39):
you know, being such a terrible mother, to the point
where people were like, Adrian, what else is going on
with Alright? Already I've started doing breathwork now, and I
was like, this is bs, It's not gonna work. I've
realized that since from thirteen now, I've been holding your breath.
(22:01):
I've been holding my breath and walking around like waiting
for the next bomb to drop. One of the exercises
that I've been doing it is really simple, and I
implore everybody to do this. So you get three words,
so three positive words and three negative words, so it'll
be breathe in love, breathe out negativity. Within ten minutes,
(22:26):
I was hysterically crying out of nowhere, couldn't come back
from it. And then within forty five minutes, I felt
like I had an outer body experience and for the
first time in my life, I was breathing. Wow, like
you go through breathing, but you don't realize that you
have to learn how to walk. You have to learn
how to breathe properly, because we walk around like we're
(22:47):
just bracing the all time. All time, I was bracing
for the next hit. So I'm breathing now good for you,
And I'm turning into a hippie and I don't know
how I feel about it. Join we now that I
(23:07):
know that you're into that stuff. If there's ever like
like a sound bath event or like a meditation or
a chanting thing. I'll let you know about, Like you're
gonna be hugging trees before you know. There are scientific
studies that hugging trees actually low is your blood low
is your blood pressure. Here we go there we got
(23:30):
so Kelly. They say that you lost eighty five pounds.
I did a surgery, the gastrix sleeve, and it's the
best thing I've ever done. Got it. It kind of
retrained my relationship with food. I don't look at it
that I used to comfort myself where I use it
(23:50):
as fuel and something that's the reward. Yeah, Like I
can become addicted to drugs, I can become addicted to food.
So to not have to have that of session has
been the best gift I've ever given myself outside of sobriety. Beautiful.
That's amazing. I like my body now. I like what
I'm turning into and discovering new things that I thought
(24:11):
I'd never be able to do, and I'm doing it
and it's great. That's the gift of giving yourself a chance.
A lot of times when you're addicted to alcohol and drugs,
there's some other addictions going on in there, because you
just have an addictive personality. I think everybody is an
addict in different ways. Some of the therapy and some
(24:32):
of the healing and recovering that I've had to do,
and just realizing that it all stems for me personally
from the addiction to sense gratification. Yes, oh my god, yeah, yeah,
And everybody is addicted to sense gratification in some way.
It's just everybody wants to feel good, right, So it's
(24:53):
just a matter of what we use. Some people use relationships,
and some people use alcohol, drugs, being gambling. But we
all find the thing when life is disappointing us and
it's not satisfying our senses in the way that we want,
It's like, okay, well what's the next available thing. Okay,
(25:14):
let's do that. Let's do that gratifications and self soothing,
and we are all in some way addicted to that. Yes,
I just want to be addicted to something healthy, like
working out. I went through that. I went through that
problem fixed pack and I was working out three hours
a day. Okay, I'm working out the other day and
(25:38):
then at night we'll shoot. I'm up. I might as
well go to the jail, you know what I mean.
And it's like people like Jada, you are over exercising.
I'm like, how is that even possible? It's an emotional
mental I think it's it's an existential crisis that most
of us have to deal with. What life really is.
(26:01):
Life on life's terms is one of the hardest lives
to live. There you go, it's one of the hardest
lives to live. It's easy. What I actually just thought
about two is really interesting because I feel like at
certain points in my life, I've been addicted to reactions
from like certain reactions from people and like needing you
to tell me that was amazing. I did the mind,
(26:25):
I did the body, and now it's the soul, and
it's all about just putting as together and finally getting
the payoff and getting out of my way. It's good
to hear you. It is good to hear you doing
the work. Good for you. I really doing the work
that I would hate doing the work because I avoided
it my whole life. And I'm like, oh, I still
feel pain there. Let's figure out what's going through and
(26:48):
dissecting everything has been really interesting that I'm seeing that
so many of these things that I have I get
from my dad. I'm just so grateful and I know
that so many people are going to feel so seen
and just relate to what you've said so deeply. Thank you.
Tell us about your podcast. What is it called The
(27:11):
Kelly Osborne and Jeff Beach Show. What I wanted this
podcast to be is that one hour each week where
you can switch off from the world and laugh and
our messages what you call freaks, we call family. Everyone's welcome.
It's just about spreading as much love and positivity in
a fun way that we possibly can. In the next episode,
I'm finally gonna learn how to be on TikTok O. Well,
(27:39):
you know what, Kelly, thank you for coming. I can't
even going to tell you what an honor this was
sit at this table with you three like incredible women,
and thank you for everything that you do. It's three
generations of just pure beauty. Thank you. I really mean that,
Like I watched your show with my mom religiously. We
love you, guy. It's like we're like wicked wisdom. Thank
(28:04):
you for coming and having the work. We're wishing you
the best and I'm super proud of you. It was wrong,
and I'm just and I know we know how hard
it is exactly, and it's just for me. If I
can share my story and it helps just one person,
then I've done my job. That's right. I've done my
job because we're not alone, no, never, But you know
(28:24):
who's the most important person. It's going to help you.
As the inter was going along, I was like, I'm
feeling good, I'm feeling glad. I'm getting us off my chest.
You're gonna walk out of here in my happy feet.
That's that's what we always want. We want people to
leave here on their happy feet. I feel like I
could talk to you guys, but absolutely anything. I'm like,
maybe it's come here to therapy any time. I'm like,
(28:48):
I'm trying to die my afrow purple. Now, thank you
for everything. Reading that was like, this was the bucket
listening for me, so thank you. It really was. Thank you.
And R T T exclusive for you sober until a
few weeks ago, but all fell apart. I had two
glasses and then the day after that it was bottles
like full bottles to yourself, the daughter of music Royalty.
I was introduced to alcohol because I came from an
alcoholic family, my father being the heaviest drinker I've ever
seen in my life. Who followed in her famous father's footsteps.
(00:25):
It went from Viking into Percoset, from Percoset to Harolin.
Now Kelly Osbourne comes clean. I never went to work sober,
I never went to Dennis sob I didn't do anything
so but the high price of addiction. I would have
loved to be married and have children by now a
red table wake up call not to be missed. What
(00:47):
was the moment when you realize, like, oh damn, this
is so cool. Oh I love hearing your guys as
little tiny feet. You got a little feet too, a
(01:08):
little feet for your size. I do, I do. You're
actually right and you have really little feet. Will for
me to be this tall? You got tiny tiny thing.
It is a good thing. That's actually a blessing big time.
He's going to be a crazy today is a. It's
a deep one. This is a deep one. We all
have a whoa. We have a lot of tic But
(01:30):
this will be really good for me because when I
was a teenager, Gamen wanted me to go to alan
On and I went once. So this will be a
good one for me, just to kind of smooth out
some of my might be cathartic for you. I think
it will be. Millions watched Kelly Osborne grow up as
(01:51):
the spirited teenage daughter on her family's iconic, award winning
reality show The Osbourne's, led by music legend Ozzy and
his manager wife Sharon Shuck, was the most watched series
ever on MTV. My connection to the Osbournes was created
(02:11):
through my heavy metal music journey. They supported my band,
Wicked Wisdom. Sharon open doors for us by inviting us
on oz Fest, our first metal tour. When Kelly, their
popular middle child, made this recent brave public confession about
her traumatic battle with addiction. This is a little hard
for me to talk about, but I relapsed, not proud
(02:37):
of it. We invited her to the table to share
her very personal story. You have no idea how excited
I am welcome you get to see to the table
when I'm loving this makeup today, thank you, the whole outfit.
(03:08):
I couldn't see last next. I was so excited about
doing this. Yes, yes, walk us through like what happened.
There's so much like irony in this last relapse for
me because I made it all the way through the pandemic.
I made it all the way through, and you had
four years, almost four years of sobriety. So what environment
(03:29):
were you in, Kelly when you took your first drink
in your relapse? When I was alone, sitting by a
pool and waiting for somebody to come have a meeting
with me, and I saw this woman and her husband
had a glass of champagne and it looked really nice,
and I was like, oh, I can do that too. Wow.
And then the next day I had two glasses, and
(03:51):
then the day after that it was bottles, like full
bottles to yourself. I've been there too. Couldn't even hold
back on it for the first two is I could
handle just having one drink. But it was because I
sat there and was like, you really having one drink
and you're gonna prove everyone that you're normal now and
you can do this, and all of a sudden everything's
falling apart. What was the moment when you realize, like,
(04:32):
oh damn. I was at my boyfriend's house and I
was faced on his couch eating pizza, and he looked
over at me, and I felt the way he looked
at me, and I was like, oh no, I never
want him to look at me like that again. Ever,
Like that didn't make me feel good? What am I doing?
(04:55):
But he knew you had been drinking, and he never
said anything to you about I'm like a closet drink
I don't like to drink with people or two like dark.
How did your boyfriend react? He was disappointed because he
hadn't seen that side of me, so to suddenly were like, well,
this is the side never wanted to see. You've seen it.
(05:15):
Let's hope you never meet her again. It was embarrassing
because for the first time ever, I actually care how
he feels, and I care how my behavior impacts him.
I only want to be the best version of myself
my family and my boyfriend and my friends. And I
(05:36):
was not. I was the furthest thing away from that. Yeah,
and it happened like that. I've never had a boyfriend
who's supportive of me in that area before, and he
is very communicative and incredible in that way, so it's
really nice. That's beautiful, and my parents like him. So
that's also. Your substance of choice was alcohol. That is
(06:01):
always my substance of choice. My drug of choice is
our alcohol. I love it and I don't love it
because I like the way it makes me feel. I
like that it makes me not feel. Yeah, I know
about that one. I want to be numb to everything.
And at first I was like, oh, I'm fixed, because
I don't actually want to be numb right now. I
just want to celebrate because I'm because I'm doing amazing
(06:24):
and I can drink like a normal person. I have
an amazing boyfriend. I made it through the pandemic. I
think I'm fixed. Oh wow, okay, what's not fixed? A little?
Do I know that you're just being a full blown psycho.
It feels a little bit like wishful thinking, like like
I definitely feel like I've I've felt that before in
my life, where it's like why am I different? Like
(06:45):
people do have it because it turns into bottles. The
worst thing I can do is be in a room
alone with myself because that's when I'm like, Okay, what
can I do? I normally do when I'm bored, I
would drink. I sit there and I go through things
over and over and over in my head. And the
(07:06):
biggest turning point for me was I stopped living in
God's will. I was living in my will, my will,
and that was when I was like, I let go
of my tools what I used to to stay clean
every single day, because it's a battle for me every
single day, never ever going to get easy. I have
(07:28):
to hold myself accountable for every single thing I do.
And I think that's why it was so important to
me that I just came right out and said it.
I just wanted to tell you guys the truth, because
I never ever want like to you. I didn't even
tell my family yet. I just did it, and then
I got all the phone calls because I knew that
if I didn't, I could have flown under the radar
(07:50):
for a long time like that and no one would
have known, and I just would have spent the last
four years building a life that I just destroyed in
one drink. Mom, what would you say that it got
I won't say easy, but you you have more ease
with your recovery. How many years definitely past five years,
maybe maybe into ten years that you were just like
(08:16):
just because the issue is not at some point in time,
the issue is not the drugs, it's you or the alcohol. Yes, yeah,
it's always been me. It's always been ways you. How
did your relationship with alcohol begin. I was introduced to
alcohol because I came from an alcoholic family. So I
(08:37):
grew up with my father being a extremely if not
probably the heaviest drink I've ever seen in my life.
I'm trying to think of the best way to put this,
so that the alcohol was there. I moved to America,
I was the king, and I was so foreign. I
couldn't be more foreign, very English most of and people
(09:00):
didn't understand what I was saying. My parents put me
in my first American school, and I just felt by
the wayside. And I've never been to a school like
that before. I'd always gone to all girls schools. And
then it was just night and day different. On my
first day of school, a kid said to me, my
daddy's a lawyer and he makes three million dollars a year,
and he's going to buy me a BMW for my
(09:22):
first car, What are you going to get? And I
went excuse me. I just was like, oh my god,
I've woken up and I'm in the movie Clueless. I
didn't really fit in any work, so I got really,
really insecure. I still had those glass I then kept
(09:47):
getting sick and I had a really bad case of tonsilitis.
They ended up having to give me some crazy surgery
and then after that they gave me Vikdin and that
was all I needed And are you killing me right now?
I went from having every voice in my head being like,
you're fat, you're ugly, You're not good enough, no one
(10:07):
likes you, you don't deserve this people, and because your
parents are and then all of a sudden, every single
voice was silenced and it felt like life gave me
a hug. So how old were you when you get you?
And then we'll do that rike it into a thirty
year I cannot believe that. I was like, why am
I so confident in all of this? Yeah? And then
(10:31):
very quickly it went from Viking into Percocet, from Percocet
to um Heroine. Eventually, because it was cheaper, I got
caught buying it, and then the very next day, my
mom put me in rehab. I was like, this is
just vacation without a bar. I'm gonna get out and
do exactly what I want to do when I leave here,
because I was not ready to lose my safety blanket.
(10:51):
How old were you when you were in rehab? The
first time I went to rehab, I was nineteen, and
I've been going in and out of those places ever since.
Do you feel as though there was any parts of
your addiction that might have robbed you of life experiences
in any way? I feel very behind as a woman.
(11:12):
I would have loved to be married and have children
by now. My brother has three daughters, and I would
have loved to have had a few kids by now,
but that wasn't what was in the card to me. Yes, right,
And I would have been no kind of mother at
all because I was like that crazy addict that was like, oh, yeah,
I'll just stop doing drugs and I get pregnant cause
I'll have to. That's insane that I would ever even
(11:33):
think that. Not normal to now really getting to the
bottom of everything and allowing myself to be vulnerable, which
is very hard for me because my natural instinct is
just to tell everyone off. But that doesn't do me
or anyone any favors ever with you on that one.
(11:55):
Your dad struggled with alcoholism, and have you guys been
able to connect in any way. I've always been a
daddy's girl. I go to my dad for everything. First
phone call every day is from my dad every day.
So it's really awesome that we get to have that.
And it's weird we've turned something so ugly into something
(12:15):
that's actually really beautiful. Me and my brother and my
dad all bond with each other over because Jack is recovery,
he's hand Seriously, I always say to him, I know
it's sort of competition, but I am so jealous of
the way that he has been able to handle his
recovery because he's so matter of fact. I am not right,
(12:41):
I am not I make everything more difficult. He's got
all girls. Wow. So that's Pearl in the USA shirt,
Minnie who he's wearing in the bumbalina, and he is
the mermaid. That's so sweet and funny. I love them
(13:02):
all so much. It's really interesting how my brother's three
children kind of parallel us. Calls a lot like Amy,
and he's a lot like me. And Minnie's a lot
like Jack. Did Jack have any specific words of wisdom
when it came to this relapse. I think for Jack
he was crucial in me just you've got to get
(13:23):
honest with someone. Yeah, one person, It doesn't matter who
it is, as long as you're honest with one person.
And my brother is that person to me. So I
told him everything, and him and I put together a
plan to get myself feeling strong and supported. And that's
honestly one of the most important parts. It's like to
just be able to just like you said, that one person,
(13:46):
that one person that you can just open up to
tell the truth too. And my problem has never been
not telling the truth. I tell too much truth. If anything,
you will never ever ever be able to have a
conversation where somebody truly understands you if you're not talking
to another alcoholic, because they will never understand it, they
(14:06):
will never get it. And that's why for me, the
fellowship and being a part of the community and having
that ripped away from me during the pandemic was such
a shell shop for me. Everything that I had taught
myself on how to live and rebuild my life was gone.
But it also became the excuse I needed, right, So, wow,
(14:27):
it's asking for help, that's the part. Yeah, that's the part.
We can use the kids. I get through that shame
spiral of am I good enough for help? Help? Yeah?
I've done this again and this is all my fault again. Right, Well,
someone loved me through my flaws. Somebody loved me when
I'm down. But that's what happened until you do. Yeah,
(14:49):
that's what happened to you. Do you gotta It has
to start with you. I remember, in seeking my own honesty,
recognizing that a lot of times I really didn't even
know what was the truth for myself. Yeah, that's that's
the one. I actually don't know what's real and what's
not anyway, I don't know. I don't know if I
(15:12):
actually really like those things or if I've been pretending
to like them because I'm placating you. Yeah, not one
of my problems as people pleasing. Yeah, and I'll just
say yes to everything. On top of the addictions that
you've had, you also have codependency issues. Yeah, I give
(15:32):
become addicted to anything and become a codependent with anything. Yeah,
I'm a fixer for my friends. If I see somebody
that's suffering, I go in and I help. Before I
know it, I always myself and I've left nothing for me. Yeah,
and then we end up being ain't getting all distracted
and thinking you actually helping somebody, You really ain't helping nobody.
(15:58):
You want help some mind when you messed up, messed
up back there and get you together about that. And
then now I'm learning the power of no, which makes
me feel like a bit. You're just like, but it's
that boundary setting, you know, the human mind. Man. Like
(16:19):
I'm just sitting here like something minute, I'm like, yo, Like,
there's this lyric that has it's just been going through
my mind as we're talking about this. Um it's actually
a kid cutting lyric that goes nothing can keep me
from peace but me, and that's the truth. And I
was like, Yo, it's the truth. Anything that's wrong in
my life, it's me. Yes, every single time, it's not
(16:40):
because someone else did something to me. That's right. I
didn't get the job that I wanted. No, No, it's you.
It's you. And I've also learned that it's okay to
be uncomfortable. Yeah, do you feel like you have a
really solid support system? In your now. I went back
to outpatient because I need a new support group because
(17:03):
unfortunately of my women's group relapse during the pandemic. Yes
where most of those women fairly early in different One
of them is like twenty four years now, the one
is sixteen years. One was a year wow. And it's
(17:24):
the isolation to its isolation is change. I don't do
well with change. I'm a creature of habit. I eat
the same thing every single day. I have the same
routine every single day. And I think that's part of
my alcoholism is I learned to survive by putting a
schedule in place. I do good with boundaries. Yeah, I
(17:46):
had to have a specific routine. People needed to know
where I was. Even the other day, I woke up.
We weren't working that day, and I kind of woke
up like, like what am I doing today? What am
I doing today? Like I can't have too much time.
(18:07):
I feel out of sorts. Isn't it so strange that
my best thinking wants me to be drunk and alone
in a room by myself. That's like where my addict
is most comfortable. That's the nature of how deceitful addiction is.
Because you can really walk around believing that right. I
believe that you have to be in treatment for the
(18:29):
rest of your life. Yes, and I'm speaking from my experience.
First year of sobriety is the most difficult year for
anybody's life because it's almost like you get reborn but
with zero skills. When I first got sober, I didn't
feel like I deserved to be in any room that
I was in. And then I'd gained so much weight,
so I thought that everyone was just looking at me,
(18:50):
like she's fat and disgusting, and like people are taking
pictures of me and I could see them, look how
fat Kelly os One is now. So it's like you
have to get in touch with one abilities and things
that trigger you. Like I never went to work sober,
I never went to dinner sober. I didn't do anything
like nothing sober, so to do things for the first
(19:12):
time again, that was really scary. My first year of
sobriety was all about fixing the mind. So I did
two full years of therapy every single day. When you
talk about fixing the mind, what aspect of your mind
were you trying to fix? All of it? All of
it emotional trauma? How I internalize them, and then regurgitate them.
(19:33):
I can fall into like self victimization real quick. Most
addicts do that. We become the vic quality that I
don't like having. For me, it was just about happiness.
I didn't know if I wanted to come back and
work in Hollywood anymore. I had been working on TV
since I was fourteen, and so I took two years off,
(19:53):
did the therapy, figured out that I really wanted to
be sober. I really want the life that I've worked
for and the opportunities that I've been given, and I
don't want to take another day for granted. And this
program has taught me to be such a better person
than I was, and skills and patience and acceptance and
(20:13):
surrender with something that was really hard for me. And
that's you know, and so I'm important to understand that
it's so much more than just not using. Yeah, that's
so much. Do you recovery still full for the shame
spirals where the smallest thing can put you in a
shame spiral and then all of a sudden, you're like,
(20:33):
my biggest thing is that? Definitely like just feeling like
not worthy, Yeah, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough.
I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything
to offer. Like, even if I'm at a meeting, it's
very rare that you'll hear me say anything because I
always feel like I don't have anything to share, I
don't have anything to add. I feel like I've seen
(20:55):
what you're talking about, that shame spiral when you talk
about moms childhood. Oh my god, and like I feel
that in you a lot. And we're always trying to
I mean, we're always trying to tell you that. It's like,
I mean, you created, she has, she's gotten better. So
I'm again, you gotten better with that you give because
(21:16):
you don't go into it like you used to. Yeah,
because I used to be like damn gam like yeah, no,
she she's gotten better. So I let her have whatever
little moment she has, because it's only a moment instead
of like hours or days. The first five years of
my recovery, at least, I would be whining in the
meetings about all the guilt that I was carrying about,
(21:39):
you know, being such a terrible mother, to the point
where people were like, Adrian, what else is going on
with Alright? Already I've started doing breathwork now, and I
was like, this is bs, It's not gonna work. I've
realized that since from thirteen now, I've been holding your breath.
(22:01):
I've been holding my breath and walking around like waiting
for the next bomb to drop. One of the exercises
that I've been doing it is really simple, and I
implore everybody to do this. So you get three words,
so three positive words and three negative words, so it'll
be breathe in love, breathe out negativity. Within ten minutes,
(22:26):
I was hysterically crying out of nowhere, couldn't come back
from it. And then within forty five minutes, I felt
like I had an outer body experience and for the
first time in my life, I was breathing. Wow, like
you go through breathing, but you don't realize that you
have to learn how to walk. You have to learn
how to breathe properly, because we walk around like we're
(22:47):
just bracing the all time. All time, I was bracing
for the next hit. So I'm breathing now good for you,
And I'm turning into a hippie and I don't know
how I feel about it. Join we now that I
(23:07):
know that you're into that stuff. If there's ever like
like a sound bath event or like a meditation or
a chanting thing. I'll let you know about, Like you're
gonna be hugging trees before you know. There are scientific
studies that hugging trees actually low is your blood low
is your blood pressure. Here we go there we got
(23:30):
so Kelly. They say that you lost eighty five pounds.
I did a surgery, the gastrix sleeve, and it's the
best thing I've ever done. Got it. It kind of
retrained my relationship with food. I don't look at it
that I used to comfort myself where I use it
(23:50):
as fuel and something that's the reward. Yeah, Like I
can become addicted to drugs, I can become addicted to food.
So to not have to have that of session has
been the best gift I've ever given myself outside of sobriety. Beautiful.
That's amazing. I like my body now. I like what
I'm turning into and discovering new things that I thought
(24:11):
I'd never be able to do, and I'm doing it
and it's great. That's the gift of giving yourself a chance.
A lot of times when you're addicted to alcohol and drugs,
there's some other addictions going on in there, because you
just have an addictive personality. I think everybody is an
addict in different ways. Some of the therapy and some
(24:32):
of the healing and recovering that I've had to do,
and just realizing that it all stems for me personally
from the addiction to sense gratification. Yes, oh my god, yeah, yeah,
And everybody is addicted to sense gratification in some way.
It's just everybody wants to feel good, right, So it's
(24:53):
just a matter of what we use. Some people use relationships,
and some people use alcohol, drugs, being gambling. But we
all find the thing when life is disappointing us and
it's not satisfying our senses in the way that we want,
It's like, okay, well what's the next available thing. Okay,
(25:14):
let's do that. Let's do that gratifications and self soothing,
and we are all in some way addicted to that. Yes,
I just want to be addicted to something healthy, like
working out. I went through that. I went through that
problem fixed pack and I was working out three hours
a day. Okay, I'm working out the other day and
(25:38):
then at night we'll shoot. I'm up. I might as
well go to the jail, you know what I mean.
And it's like people like Jada, you are over exercising.
I'm like, how is that even possible? It's an emotional
mental I think it's it's an existential crisis that most
of us have to deal with. What life really is.
(26:01):
Life on life's terms is one of the hardest lives
to live. There you go, it's one of the hardest
lives to live. It's easy. What I actually just thought
about two is really interesting because I feel like at
certain points in my life, I've been addicted to reactions
from like certain reactions from people and like needing you
to tell me that was amazing. I did the mind,
(26:25):
I did the body, and now it's the soul, and
it's all about just putting as together and finally getting
the payoff and getting out of my way. It's good
to hear you. It is good to hear you doing
the work. Good for you. I really doing the work
that I would hate doing the work because I avoided
it my whole life. And I'm like, oh, I still
feel pain there. Let's figure out what's going through and
(26:48):
dissecting everything has been really interesting that I'm seeing that
so many of these things that I have I get
from my dad. I'm just so grateful and I know
that so many people are going to feel so seen
and just relate to what you've said so deeply. Thank you.
Tell us about your podcast. What is it called The
(27:11):
Kelly Osborne and Jeff Beach Show. What I wanted this
podcast to be is that one hour each week where
you can switch off from the world and laugh and
our messages what you call freaks, we call family. Everyone's welcome.
It's just about spreading as much love and positivity in
a fun way that we possibly can. In the next episode,
I'm finally gonna learn how to be on TikTok O. Well,
(27:39):
you know what, Kelly, thank you for coming. I can't
even going to tell you what an honor this was
sit at this table with you three like incredible women,
and thank you for everything that you do. It's three
generations of just pure beauty. Thank you. I really mean that,
Like I watched your show with my mom religiously. We
love you, guy. It's like we're like wicked wisdom. Thank
(28:04):
you for coming and having the work. We're wishing you
the best and I'm super proud of you. It was wrong,
and I'm just and I know we know how hard
it is exactly, and it's just for me. If I
can share my story and it helps just one person,
then I've done my job. That's right. I've done my
job because we're not alone, no, never, But you know
(28:24):
who's the most important person. It's going to help you.
As the inter was going along, I was like, I'm
feeling good, I'm feeling glad. I'm getting us off my chest.
You're gonna walk out of here in my happy feet.
That's that's what we always want. We want people to
leave here on their happy feet. I feel like I
could talk to you guys, but absolutely anything. I'm like,
maybe it's come here to therapy any time. I'm like,
(28:48):
I'm trying to die my afrow purple. Now, thank you
for everything. Reading that was like, this was the bucket
listening for me, so thank you. It really was. Thank you.
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