August 22, 2024 • 37 mins
Queer people grow up experiencing bullying at a higher rate than that of our peers. Could that be why some of us find ourselves turned on by consensual domination, degradation and humiliation play in the bedroom? In our spicy final episode of this season, Gabe and Chris welcome two kinky pleasure educators - submissive Bobby Box and dominant Dominion Onyx - to talk about dominance, submission, bullying, BDSM, and how and why people get into this fetish practice. Can playing this way help queer people turn past traumas into pure pleasure?
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Guests featured in this episode:
Bobby Box
Dominion Onyx
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, viewers, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is an explicit podcast about
queer sex, filtered dirty words, and unfiltered descriptions of sexual activities.
If hearing about orgies, anonymous sex, kink, fetish, and more
offends your sensibilities, you might want to skip this. Viewer
discretion is advised. It's definitely not for kids. Hey, Gabe,
(00:21):
did you experience any bliging when you grew up?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
No, not at all.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
I was a perfectly socially adjusted queer child that grew
up in a supportive community of Floridians that embraced who
I was and helped me come into mind. No.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Yeah, I was heavily bullied.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I think even before you're comfortable with your own sexuality,
someone's gonna call you faggot because you do not prescribe
to the gender norms of being a little boy.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
But how about you, Like you were saying, like the
F word and the N word were used very freely
with me in elementary school. Yeah, and like I did
not know what either of those things were, And so
I grew up like you really being a perfect that's
an people pleaser sure, and a chameleon right to sort
of like mitigate the bullying. Like if I was the
smartest in the class and I was the fastest on
(01:06):
the track, then like what do you have to make
fun of?
Speaker 1 (01:09):
And then it's wild we have to go through all
of that, and then we get out of high school
and then we find other queer people and it's like, oh,
we've all been through the same shit. But people shouldn't
have to go through like sixteen to eighteen years of
misery to like eventually.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Be subsequent therapy.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, so bullying is going to
be a very very light theme today, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Do you think that any of the experience that you
had with bullying growing up, do you think that sort
of informs some of the things that you do in bed?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I don't think so. I'll explore some submissive play. It's
not my preferred thing, but I don't like like rules, orders, insects,
and I know for some people that's a kink and
it really turns them on. Yeah, but it's like, baby,
I grew up Catholic, I grew up perto Rican, I
couldn't get a sleepovers. I don't need new rules in
my life. Okay, I lived half my life with really
stringent rules. For me, sex is something that's like fun
(01:59):
and explore to and so for me, I don't see
any connection between that bullying and sex.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
But I'm curious, how about you? Absolutely the same? That
shit was hard?
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Yeah, sex is one of those few times where I
feel in my body and fully authentic, and to bring
up those moments where I was told that I wasn't
able to be who I am and whatever, like, I
don't want to bring that into my sex life.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
And when I.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Get those type of requests from people, I really like
bulk up against it because I'm like, I don't want
to inflict that pain on anyone.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
You know, today's topic is going to touch a little
bit on bullying, but also degradation and humiliation. We do
know that queer and trans people grow up experiencing bullying
at a far higher rate than that of our peers.
Could that be why some of us find ourselves turned
on by consensual degradation humiliation when we're older.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
In this episode, we get on our knees to explore the.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Increasingly popular fetish practice with the help of a pleasure
educator who loves to be bullied in the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Then we'll get tips and tricks from an experienced dom
and sadist on how to incorporate degradation into your own
play in a safe, sane, and consensual way.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Welcome to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions. I am Gabe Gonzale.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I'm Chris Patterson. Rosso Each week weeks more, the Sublind
world of queer sex, cruising and relationship will.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Be talking to queer folks of all kinds. Ask them questions,
swap sex stories, share intimate revelations.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
A lot of us are discovering ourselves in cruising spaces.
This happened to me at this toilet stall, in the
library or the airport. I feel like everybody's gonna fuck
a little harder here. Damn. So I've been like the
neighborhood plot, and I took pride in that I was
so afraid but yet so intrigued. And the more I
gave him, the more he could take.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
If you're having sex on Sniffy's, you already have a
moral deficit.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Our first guest today is a pleasure educator and freelance
writer whose columns on queer sexuality have been published in Playboy,
l The Advocate, Them.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
And The Daily Beasts. Like Chris and I.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
He has a podcast called Bad in Bed that offers
queer sex ed to listeners.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Please welcome Bobby Box. Hey Bobby, how are you baby?
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Well, we're so happy to have you. Did you experience
bullying as a kid.
Speaker 5 (04:09):
Oh? Yes, okay, I was, you know, called a fag
since I was a kid all the time. I love
the spice girls, like you know, that was the thing.
Like it was like my friends were girls, you know.
And and then as I went to high school, I
was like, okay, do you need to survive. You're playing
all the sports, you're gonna be dating girls, You're going
to be doing everything that you can do to make.
Speaker 6 (04:31):
Your life easier right now.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
But I still got bullied.
Speaker 5 (04:34):
Like I remember even bathroom breaks, being like I'm going
to walk down the hall and someone's gonna call me
that name, do you know what I mean? And like
you prepare for it and you go quiet and you
look at the floor while you're walking, and it's you know,
it's a sad experience in hindsight. But now that I'm
so like proud of who I am, I'm like like
fuck that, yeah.
Speaker 6 (04:55):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (04:56):
Like, yeah, like it's like it makes me out or
of who I am now to live out loud.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I think it's obvious how common of it experience this
is globally for queer youth. But interestingly, a lot of
that language is stuff that I've encountered in community or
in sexual scenarios that feels kind of empowering or fun
to reclaim. Right, Like, I love using the word fag
to describe myself. Yeah, I have had people call me
(05:22):
fag in bed, and I've been like, huh, never thought
about it. Okay, sure, Like as long as we're you know,
I don't have to role play that hard if that's
what you are, like, and then everybody loves that story
about like going back home and like finding their bully
on grinder and like and like sort of like literally
reclaiming the source of this stuff. Yeah, So I'm curious
(05:42):
how do you sort of navigate this past trauma and
ways of like maybe reclaiming it or giving it a
new context.
Speaker 5 (05:48):
The word fag in this sexual context took me a
very long time to get comfortable with. So my first
ever boyfriend that I had, he loved the word. He's
been out for years and was like he was very
dominant and very like had like you know, he knew
what being gay was all about.
Speaker 6 (06:06):
I was like the angenu like.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
Oh, like you know kind of like yeah, so like
it worked for us like that whole like dynamic. But
I remember when he used the word fag. I I
felt like I went right back to those days in
high school.
Speaker 6 (06:22):
My heart dropped through my chest.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
All arousal was gone, and I was like I had
to stop this, you know, this scene you know, quote unquote,
but I was like, I can't do with you calling
me that, like that's an issue for me. And he
was like, oh really, He's like that sucks because like
that's one of my favorite words. And that kind of
modeled its way through our entire relationship. But he also
was somebody I trusted, you know, and somebody that I loved,
(06:48):
and it became something where I actually it has evolved
to become one of the words I really really enjoy
being called in bed now. So it's like so eventually,
and I you know, I think it did come with
you know, being fresh out of the closet, not totally
comfortable with who I was, to now being like yeah
I am, and I'm proud of it, Like you better
know I am. I remember when it happened too, Like
(07:10):
I remember being like, oh wait, that word just made
you like come, you know what I mean. I was like,
that was a word that used to be trauma, and
now it's the complete opposite. So it's like I thank
him for many things, but one of the things was
for just kind of like letting me be a submissive
and trusted dominant completely, do you know what I mean?
And now I don't think I could have without a
(07:32):
boyfriend type relationship, you know, just to really learn the ropes.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Yeah, I don't think I'm there yet. I think maybe
it's part of like being non binary. Like I use
the word paget a lot to describe my group of friends,
et cetera, and like a social context, but like in
a sexual context, I like, I hear the word and
I'm like absolutely not yeah, because I do not identify.
Speaker 5 (07:53):
No, I really do think it's common, because I did
do a post on it. I did two informal polls
four years apart, so like just basically on my social accounts,
and I in twenty nineteen twenty seven, only twenty seven
percent were comfortable being called faggot in the bedroom, where
in twenty twenty three, that grew to forty two percent.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
I don't know if that's that we're becoming more comfortable
with it or that like my audience changed, But like,
that's an interesting insight.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
I think it's But then both yeah.
Speaker 5 (08:25):
Right and another and a follow up poll, half of
the voters admitted to using the fsler among friends, so,
like whether they were comfortable with it sexually or not,
half of us use it with our friends as like
it's meaningless, it's a term of endearment. Yeah, you know,
I just find that such an interesting, you know, insight.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, I'm curious in the context of sort of dom
sub relationships too. How is it something that you started
navigating and is it something that you incorporated into your
sex life outside of your past relationship.
Speaker 6 (08:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
So you know, like all of us as when we're
younger and we're like exploring our sexual selves, we all
happen upon a website that changes everything for us period,
you know what I mean, Like and you're like, oh, wait,
like your eyes widen, your whole widen.
Speaker 6 (09:12):
You know, it just happened.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
And yeah, mine was yeah.
Speaker 5 (09:17):
That too, Yeah, and I I mine was called smoking Hunks.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Dot com smoking hunks.
Speaker 5 (09:24):
So I don't know if yeah, so if these men
who are smoking and they're like literally like muscular, greased up,
and then they're like smoking and they're calling you faggot,
they're calling you the worst word, like you know, and
they're just talking down to you.
Speaker 6 (09:37):
And I was like, oh, this is gonna be a
problem for me.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Okay, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 6 (09:42):
Like I was like, this is that was the beginning
of the end.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
And then I found I started dating man that embodied
those types. Even when I tried to convince myself I
was straight by watching straight porns, I always I always
saw myself as like the female because unfortunately, you know,
head sexual porn is very one note where like it's
often the female being you know, humiliated or degraded or
(10:06):
anything like that. So like that's where I saw myself,
you know, Like I was like, oh, that's who I
want to be in scene, you know.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
So so I have to ask, are there any words
you don't like?
Speaker 5 (10:15):
As much of a submissive as I am, I do
think it's important that every submissive has their boundaries and
they express that right from the get.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
Go, because a good dom also doesn't want.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
To cross boundaries.
Speaker 5 (10:26):
Yeah, you know, you want both people to be completely comfortable.
I think a lot of people think that, like a
dominant doesn't care about the other person's needs and that's
what makes it hot. And I'm like, not at all,
it's the complete opposite. You need one trust in that
person as much of like a submissive hoe that I
can be. I'm still very sensitive comments about my body,
like let's not go there, you know, like I'm a
(10:48):
thicker guy. But like I remember the first time I
got called beefy. I just remember in the moment it
hitting me, and then your mind's kind of out of
that subspace, which is very important for a submissive, and
you're like, oh, you kind of off and you tense up,
and it's like that's not good. But like, also, they
didn't know. I didn't express that to them, so that's
not their issue either, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 6 (11:08):
They meant it as a compliment.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Yeah, I mean, and I feel like in that situation,
it's like you don't know, you don't like it until
it happens, you know. And I think that, oh, that's
like the whole exploration of that. It's like there are
lots of times where I'm in situations and something happens,
I'm like, oh, you know what, I actually don't like that.
Let's never do that again.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Right, So, baby, I'm curious you'd approach sex from a
kind of educational and sometimes academic standpoint, even though your
language is very accessible, right, you're like meeting folks that
they're at But I'm wondering how how you view the
psychology of your own approach to humiliation and degradation and
how your thoughts surrounding it have evolved, and if you
see the way people engage with it evolving further than
(11:47):
how we talk about it and engage with it today.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
Well, sex obviously is complicated, and you know, like in
a beautiful way, Like you know, it's complex and all
of us come at it from a different angle, you know.
So I've managed to because you know, I knew the
topic coming into this, I've distilled it down into four
reasons why I think people are into being humiliated, you know,
the dom sub type thing being Yeah. So, first is shame.
(12:13):
M So, I think shame drives a lot of sex. Actually,
So what happens is, you know, like from a young age,
we're all taught that, like you know, sex can be bad,
Like you know, it's like, don't engage in sex. You know,
it's this this can happen to you, that can happen
to you. Then add on the fact that you're queer,
which amplifies it by a thousand, so you're like everything
I've ever thought is wrong, you know. So when you
(12:36):
add when those natural feelings are kind of coupled with
this messaging that sex is wrong like and shameful, it
kind of heightens.
Speaker 6 (12:43):
Arousal for people.
Speaker 5 (12:45):
So it like makes something that you're already ashamed about
more shameful, which in turn makes it more exciting. So
I think that like kind of leaning into that makes
it more hot. The second one is giving up control.
So I think that for a lot of people, it's
very alluring to be in a sexual scene and be like, listen,
I don't have to worry about a damn thing.
Speaker 6 (13:06):
You're gonna take care of this for me.
Speaker 5 (13:08):
And it's like, you know, like you might see CEOs
with sex workers who are like that's their thing because
they're in charge all the time and they don't want
to be anymore. They want to explore that other dynamic.
So I think that that's very appealing and erotic to
people to be like, yeah, like do whatever you want
to me. And then their third which I think might
(13:28):
be surprising to people, but it's intimacy.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Mm hm.
Speaker 5 (13:31):
So I think that being submissive is a very vulnerable experience.
You know, you're giving yourself to someone entirely for a
pre negotiated amount of time. So it's like I'm yours,
do what you want with it. But it's like there's
so much trust that comes with that. And I also
say like it might not seem intimate based on the
acts that might be happening at the time, but it
(13:53):
actually is because of everything that went into it.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah, it's like some of the most quote unquote dehumanizing
stuff we do in sex actually requires some of the
most emotional trust and emotional connection. That's I really love
point number three. I'm vibing on that one yes. And
number four Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:08):
Number four is I think honestly validation period. We do
it because it turns the dom on like we're doing
what they really want and we're their.
Speaker 6 (14:17):
Fantasy, do you know what I mean? And that's hot.
Speaker 5 (14:20):
Just like when you post like a first trap, you know,
and it gets likes, It's like but I'm everything he
wants me to be, or they want me to be
she wants me to be. Right now, those what I
would say, are the main four, and for me, I'm
probably a complicated mix of all four.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
You know what is one of the hotter stories that
you have of engaging with this kink of domination and humiliation.
Speaker 5 (14:43):
I'm still mending from like my broken relationship and I
go on a trip to Palm Springs and I was
very kind of like in my head and everything. But
we go to like gay Sunday Evening bingo or whatever,
and we play and there's this like hot daddy there bartending,
but he's like giving out the cards and I told
my friends. I was like, I'm gonna marry that man someday.
(15:04):
Like ah, yeah, you follow it, and I'm like yeah,
yeah yeah. So later that night, me and another friend
went to that bar again and he was there and
he was like, Oh, I'm so glad you came. I
was staring at you all day and I was like, oh,
it's mutual, this is over. So he I go to
the bathroom like after a few drinks and I go
to close the door behind me and then his arm
(15:26):
is in the doorway and he's like, don't close on me,
and like I'm like okay, and then I opened the door.
He comes in not a word, and then he just
like whips his dick out and starts pissing.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
In my mouth. Was it open? Did he aped? Or
were you like, oh god, it was oh no, it
was open.
Speaker 6 (15:45):
Yeah, it was very much like a I think, I
thought oral.
Speaker 5 (15:48):
And then he just fully pissed in my mouth and
I was like okay, and then that happened, and then
I remember like he just like truly like zipped up,
like tap me on the head, and then like walked
back to the bar, and I remember just like sitting
there like you know, like that moment where like your
heart's pumping, Like I feel like it was like a
TV show thing where it's like you're so turned up,
but you're like, what the hell just happened?
Speaker 6 (16:09):
Never did water sports before?
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Then that was it.
Speaker 5 (16:11):
So he like eventually like took me home. He was great,
and we had sex for like a crazy amount of
time and he filmed and it was like it things
I've never done before with my phone.
Speaker 6 (16:22):
So I was good with It's not going.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
My friend who was like also at the bar with
me was like, I think I like jerked off to
you guys having sex for like three times. I was like,
because he heard from the other door. So I was like,
what a lovely vacation experience.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Yeah, yeah, and that was last night.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
It was such a climactic evening and I was like,
I think I was forever changed after that moment.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (16:48):
I was like I kind of started chasing those types
of things, but like, nothing ever to that degree has
happened again.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Yeah, it's like chasing your first high.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Well, Bobby, I'm so sex that you got to join
us today to where can folks find you online?
Speaker 6 (17:03):
By Bobby Box?
Speaker 5 (17:04):
So b Y Bobby Box, I would say Instagram and
Twitter is where the best place is to find me
for sure.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
All Right, when we come back, we'll be talking with
the master of humiliation, the one and only dominion Onics.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Well, now that we've heard from the submissive side, let's
talk about humiliation and degradation with a dominant. Our next
guest is a writer, a kinster, and a leather man.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
He's written about kinks like humiliation for recon dot com
and co hosts a kinky podcast called The bgkh Show
on YouTube. BGKH stands for a Black, gay, kinky and human.
Please welcome Dominion ONYX.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Hey, guys, how's it going today? It's going well. How
are you? I am tired okay, but super excited to
be I love that. Yeah, being a good doma. I'm
sure it takes a lot of work.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
It does its job, it really it really is. I'm
a dumb in my work life and in my personal.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I don't know how you do it. We love a
consistent brand.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
That's yeah, dominion for people who don't know what is Onyx.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
ONYX is a fraternity for gay and bisexual men of
color who are into leather, kink, and fetish lifestyles.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
And we have chapters all over the US.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
Ten chapters so far. And I am the chair of
the National Council.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Oh incredible, Okay, oh my god. We got the Damia
the crown. Oh you have earned the crowd. I love that. Okay. Cool.
Some people wear some people wear your caps.
Speaker 4 (18:38):
I wear the crown period. I'm not a sir, I'm
not a master. I am Dominion.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Oh so I love I love that, so dominion.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Our previous guest, Bobby Box, described a bit of a
connection maybe between his childhood bullying experiences and his appreciation
for scenes of degradation or getting pissed on or being
called names. And I'm wondering if you have any connection
between your youth are coming into your sexuality and your
interest in this particular area of the kink world.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Well a little. So this this is not like a
direct thread that you can draw. But you know, when
I was a kid, you know, so my best friend
he probably doesn't remember all of this, or he doesn't want.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
To talk about it, but.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
I guess which I remember distinctly being in his basement
and making him pull his pants down so that I
could spank him. And that was a thing that we
did a lot of, and we were both he was
nine and I was eight, so it wasn't like, you know,
a sexual thing, but that was the beginning of that
(19:42):
sort of thing. And also even when we played like
schoolhouse games, I was always.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Like the person in charge.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
So that sort of has been a through line in
my entire personality ever since. I mean from the age
of twenty two to on. You know, men have called
me daddy, so you know, it's just been who I am.
And so over time I grew into that personality and
learned not to fight it and use it to my advantage.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
I have to ask, like, as a nine year old,
what what sparked this idea that, like, you know what,
I just want to spank my best friend.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
It just you know, sometimes I spend a lot I
spent I do spend a lot of time thinking about
these things. But then sometimes I'm just like it just
is it?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Just is it?
Speaker 4 (20:28):
Just it makes me happy. No one's getting hurt. He
we're not even friends anymore, so he doesn't even know
who dominion is. Clearly that's not what my mother named me.
But you know, he doesn't know about this part of
my life and he wouldn't remember that or think anything
about it.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
But he did it willingly. Okay, okay, so this was
like anything.
Speaker 4 (20:49):
Where I sort of forced him into a corner and
made him pull his pants down. I did, like, take
your pants off, you know, and my most forceful eight
year old voice. But you know, he did it willingly
of his own volition. When I'm dominating someone, I'm fine
with tying people up a dooring whatever, but I'd rather
just say take your clothes off. And because of the
(21:10):
force of my personality.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
My body just reacted to that.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I did that.
Speaker 4 (21:18):
I clearly recalled being in Wilton Manors and we were
in the whatever the name of that grilled Cheese New
York Grilled Cheese and this guy was there. I was like,
you should just take your pants off right here.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
He was like I shouldn't. I was like, you should
take your pants off right now.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
And he laughed for a moment. But I don't break
eye content. You know, there's it's it's it's a it's
a scene that you're getting into and always it's always consensual.
So if he hadn't done, and what was I going
to do, like make him take his store? But it
was like a little fun game that we were playing,
and he was totally excited. He was getting turned on
(21:54):
and his lips were getting red and you can see
the tips of his ears getting read. So I knew
that he was into it. He just need to get
into that. He was getting into it.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Yeah, yeah, I'm like thinking of myself eating my grilled
cheese and watching this man take his pants.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Off exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (22:13):
And I was with all of my I was with
all of my friends too, so all of my all
of my brothers. They were like here he goes here,
he goes here, you go yeah exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
So it reminds me of the witches in Dune, the
Benny Jesuret who just like used the voice and everyone's like,
oh my god.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Exactly, that's you. Yeah, it's a more subtle magic, it is.
It is a very subtle magic.
Speaker 4 (22:35):
Yes, my dominance was a natural growth of who I was,
and at first it was really just sort of basic
sexual things. But really getting involved with Onyx gave me
the opportunity to dive deeper into who I was and
to be mentored by other doms and to learn different
kinds of domination. So I'm sort of a loud person.
(22:58):
That's who I am just naturally. But I was mentored
by people who were quiet when they were in the room.
They dominated the room, but they never raised their voice,
and so that was something that I practiced.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Over time.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
I just developed those ways. I got mentored by good people.
I had some good experiences, and I also, as a domb,
opened myself up to new experiences. So all of the
things that I'm into now are the results of relationships
that I was in and people bringing things to those
relationships that hadn't previously been a part of my personality.
(23:34):
My first true love we were in a hotel room
one day at mid Atlantic leather weekend. I have a shoehorn,
a three foot long shoehorn for putting on boots. Yeah,
he said you should hit me with this, and you know,
hit him one time. He was like, no, you should
hit me with this. It's like, yeah, he just.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Used the voice on you. He used the voice on me.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
And so that's the thing I am not so wrapped
up and who dominion is that I can't be mentored
and taught and learn from other people, regardless of.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
What side of the slash they on. I know who
I am.
Speaker 4 (24:11):
I know that I'm dominant, but that doesn't mean I
can't accept something from other people, because all of that
is variety. So I took this shoehorn and he was
he's black, but he was light skinned, and so I
could start to see how his skin started to change
color and how he would grab me, not around the
neck like this, but like hugging me, like holding on
(24:34):
to me, like for dear life. As I started to
hit him harder and harder, and then that's when my
emotional vamporism sort of kicked in and he was getting
louder and I was getting louder, and so that's when
my journey into sadism really.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Sort of started.
Speaker 4 (24:49):
It's interesting to explore the concept of humiliation, because one
person's humiliation getting pissed on is another person's day in
the park. Is it humiliating to be forced to wear
a butt plug and to have it come out while
you're at the gym? For some people that is the
height of humiliation, But for a lot of people, including
my former slave, that kind of thing was not super humiliating.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
It was more like a.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
Marker of dominion controls me. The journey has to include
you getting excited as well, because I do know some
doms and it works for some subs that their only
interest is their own pleasure, and the subs only interest
is the doms pleasure.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
That's not fun for me.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
If we're really going to have a scene, I need
you to be equally as satisfied as well, because otherwise
I could have had a V eight. So a new
thing that I am into, and again these are all
things that have been brought to me by slaves or
subs in my life is bondage through pantyhose.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Oh so just.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
Take a pair of passes, yes, and a tight pair,
so you know you're fully encased.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
And then there's all sorts of things that you could do.
There's nipples.
Speaker 4 (26:08):
I could put a nice big plug inside of you
and then just sort of gently pound on the plug. Well,
you said tap, I said paund But we mean the
same thing.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
A very subject subjective, you know, exactly exactly, And I'm
glad you realized that I saw the switch.
Speaker 6 (26:28):
Oh well, okay.
Speaker 4 (26:31):
You know, so that encasement bondage for some people is
really fun and exciting and it's accessible. There's lots of
fun and interesting things, and so what I want to
do is make kink accessible to them. So it's great
to have like a full dungeon full of stuff, but
it's also great to say, hey, just go by by
yourself a pair of pantyhose and a candle, a white
(26:55):
candle from the bodega, and these are all things that
are easily accessible to you.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
I love that too, right, that there doesn't have to
be a financial barrier to entering dominance and submission play.
It's like you can use things that you have at homie,
can use things that you can find at the bodega.
And I think again, it kind of it requires tapping
into the imagination a little bit, right.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
It's like that's why it's a scene.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
You're creating a bit of a fantasy and like you're
bringing things and looking at them in a new context.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
I think it's great advice.
Speaker 4 (27:21):
Yeah, it's funny, but I'm into that sort of creating
a scene and role playing.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
But I hate role playing.
Speaker 4 (27:29):
Like if you were to be like, call me daddy,
and I'd be like, I guess, but I mean not
you called, not not me, call you daddy.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (27:39):
You knew what? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (27:41):
Okay, alright, But I mean like they're just like, okay,
so I'm the errant schoolboy and you're the school master,
and I'm just like that requires the kind of thought
that I don't want to put in. But if you
were like, hey, hey, here's a box full of stuff,
(28:02):
like we're in the kitchen, it's like, you know, build
a scene with you know something in this kitchen, I'm like, okay, well,
here's a rebel of Spatula and a wooden spoon and
you know some crisco.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
If somebody is trying to enter this particular form of kink.
What tips would you give for somebody who wants to
specifically enter this space as a dominant partner.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
So I think you need to be open.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
That's really the first thing, because you're going to have
some ideas about what you want. But humiliation is often
about what they want. It's an exchange, and so unlike
even other forms of kink exchange, humiliation is a lot
more about what they're getting out of the scene. So
you need to be open to that because likely or
(28:49):
at least partially going to be things that you might
need might not even be into, So you're going to
have to be willing to be open about that.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
You're then going to have to figure.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
Out what you're at absolute hard limits. Are you know
you're not going to be into blood or whatever, then
you're just not into that.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
I think you're going to have to brush up on
your negotiation skills. Sure, I think.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
You're going to have to figure out how to say
no and mean it. And I think you're going to
have to figure out once you've had these sort of conversations.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
What that aftercare is going to look like.
Speaker 4 (29:23):
So I'm hoping that the other people that you've talked
to have talked about sort of similar things. So whether
you're on the dom or the subside, it's going to
be about the same. It's just that on the domb
side you're going to have to be more open because
what is humiliating to you might not be humiliating to
the person who wants to be humiliated. So you're going
(29:45):
to have to expand your thinking, do a lot of reading,
listen to other people, see what other people think is humiliating,
and then be prepared with that list of things when
you're talking to whoever it is is that you're going
to play with, and so then you've got like this
menu of things that they want to do. So I
(30:06):
think those are probably some some good tips to start.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
I would love to know what is your favorite and
most wild experience that you've had.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
I mean, I feel like I am just always plateauing
with a new partner because I'm always doing new stuff
with the slave and with others. So and then there
was this one time at Blackout for where I existed
for the weekend on the other side of the slash. Now,
no one here should get any idea, but those who
(30:37):
know know that there's a reason that my other nickname
and Onyx is Nadiya Kominich. My mentor said to me,
you know, if you you know, don't do anything to
others that you wouldn't have done to you. So I
was like, all right, great, so I'll take a turn
in the sling with these toys and yeah we uh
(31:01):
so here I am relaxing, you know, they're playing in
my butt and then I.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Hear this was a raid. Shut up. I rocked forward,
I rock back.
Speaker 4 (31:12):
I rocked forward and into my clothes, which is how
I got the name Nadiya Komaich because if I was
going to jail, I was not going to jail naked.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Or with any toys in your butt. Plug came out,
the pants came on. Yeah, yes, so that is wild.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
But I also I think that's wonderful, right.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
I think we've actually talked to a lot of doms
that either used to identify some missives.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Some bottom a lot and they really.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Were like, I think understanding things from both sides of
the spectrum has been really helpful.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Now that one time was enough for me, I don't sure.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Yeah, yeah, sometimes the knowledge sticks. You read the book
once and you get it right exactly, you know. But
sometimes we like to go back and reread. Yeah, yes
you are.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Davidian.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
This has been so much fun. Appreciate it and thank
you so much for joining us today. I'm curious where
can folks find you online or on social media.
Speaker 4 (32:13):
On the theta Insta webs and the twitters and the TikTok.
Everything is at domonics okay, and you can also find
me every Wednesday at eight pm on The b g
k H Show with Dominion and Epic YouTube dot com
Slash The b gk H Show just like it sounds, black, gay,
kinky and human.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Thank you so much for coming. I will be bet
you will. I think you were instructed to just now.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
Yeah, I have faith that I will connect with you, sir.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
I love you too.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
I know my my height might be uh misleading, but
I don't I don't know if I'm the target audience.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Okay, friends, Yeah, this park was this episode was wild.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
Yeah, like yeah, the conversations that we had for me,
I could never be degraded in the bedroom. But understanding
why someone would like that, I think Bobby gave us
longe syst like why someone is into these things in
the bedroom. You need to give me a little bit
more perspective, and I don't know if I'll be changing
my views on that anytime, but it is nice to
know where people are coming from so that like when
(33:32):
I hear about those things, I don't immediately like cringe,
because sometimes I do.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
And I think speaking to Bobby especially, I think I
was skeptical of this idea that like trauma informs our
sexual preferences.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Again, I was like, it's giving freud. I don't buy it.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Yeah, I'm not liking it. I'm still in my oral phase.
But I really think that for some people it does
kind of work that way. It can be a very
healing and I don't know, therapeutic process to kind of
channel some of that trauma and recontextualize it in your
brain as something that turns you on. I think that's
kind of like the root of a lot of kings
and fetishes.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
A thing that should be painful or a thing that
should be traumatic is actually pleasurable when done in the
right context and with and communication between partners for sure.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
And that trust, right. We talked a lot about trust
today and being open.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Domini was very open to dominating you, which I thought
that there was a vibe, but there was a vibe.
I gotta say, I really I loved him, and I
think he taught me a lot about how like dom
sort of view their role in relationships, because I love
that he spoke a lot about how his submissive partners
have actually introduced him.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
And into the way that he shows up as a
don totally.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
This is our last episode Wild. We are on our
twelfth episode Wild. I know, can you believe we did it?
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Did it? I'm very excited. No, I'm really excited.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Yea.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
It has been such a joy talking to all of
our guests and really having this platform to talk about
some really interesting topics and how having fun but also
being really educational and informative.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
And you know, I'm really looking forward to season two.
I am too. I would love to be back.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
This has been such a fun ride, and I'm I'm
just really thankful that we got to do this together.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Yes, because I love you, but I'm like.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
I was really blown away by the guests and topics
that we managed to approach, and I think that's been
the most fun part of the series, right, like really
digging in and also being kind of slutty. It's the
smart and slutty division. Has been evenly balanced, which is
kind of my brand.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
That's give it up for nerdy sluts. Come on now.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
So, since this is our last episode, we've got to
say goodbye to all of you, our audience, who has
been so incredible. We've been reading all your comments. We've
been loving the feedback. Thank you for watching, thank you
for coming along for the ride, every ride. Because we've
written a lot, done, written so much on this shows
from episode one.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
Now, please continue sharing the series if you liked anything
you saw, and if you want to follow us on
social media, you can find me on all socials using
the handle gay Bones g A Y b O n
e Z. It was a nickname in college and I
never thought I'd have to use it professionally.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
And yet here we are, and here we are, and
you can find me on all socials at CPR gives
you life.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
CPR gives you life.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
You're pretty good at puns yourself. That, Yeah, because it does.
It literally does, and they do and I do. Yeah,
Thanks again for watching, and we'll see you for season
two next season. Gus Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is a production
of the Outspoken podcast Network from iHeart Podcasts. It's directed
(36:39):
by Adam Barron, produced by Stevie Williams and Cameron Femino,
and executive produced by Eli Martin. Cruising Confessions is presented
by Snippy's, the ultimate map based cruising platform for gay
by and curious people ready to cruise.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
Check out the map at snippis dot com and follow
Snippy's on socials at Snippy's app.
Speaker 6 (36:57):
Put job good, put Joe, put Jo puts yeah H
Hey, viewers, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is an explicit podcast about
queer sex, filtered dirty words, and unfiltered descriptions of sexual activities.
If hearing about orgies, anonymous sex, kink, fetish, and more
offends your sensibilities, you might want to skip this. Viewer
discretion is advised. It's definitely not for kids. Hey, Gabe,
(00:21):
did you experience any bliging when you grew up?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
No, not at all.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
I was a perfectly socially adjusted queer child that grew
up in a supportive community of Floridians that embraced who
I was and helped me come into mind. No.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Yeah, I was heavily bullied.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I think even before you're comfortable with your own sexuality,
someone's gonna call you faggot because you do not prescribe
to the gender norms of being a little boy.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
But how about you, Like you were saying, like the
F word and the N word were used very freely
with me in elementary school. Yeah, and like I did
not know what either of those things were, And so
I grew up like you really being a perfect that's
an people pleaser sure, and a chameleon right to sort
of like mitigate the bullying. Like if I was the
smartest in the class and I was the fastest on
(01:06):
the track, then like what do you have to make
fun of?
Speaker 1 (01:09):
And then it's wild we have to go through all
of that, and then we get out of high school
and then we find other queer people and it's like, oh,
we've all been through the same shit. But people shouldn't
have to go through like sixteen to eighteen years of
misery to like eventually.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Be subsequent therapy.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, so bullying is going to
be a very very light theme today, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Do you think that any of the experience that you
had with bullying growing up, do you think that sort
of informs some of the things that you do in bed?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I don't think so. I'll explore some submissive play. It's
not my preferred thing, but I don't like like rules, orders, insects,
and I know for some people that's a kink and
it really turns them on. Yeah, but it's like, baby,
I grew up Catholic, I grew up perto Rican, I
couldn't get a sleepovers. I don't need new rules in
my life. Okay, I lived half my life with really
stringent rules. For me, sex is something that's like fun
(01:59):
and explore to and so for me, I don't see
any connection between that bullying and sex.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
But I'm curious, how about you? Absolutely the same? That
shit was hard?
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Yeah, sex is one of those few times where I
feel in my body and fully authentic, and to bring
up those moments where I was told that I wasn't
able to be who I am and whatever, like, I
don't want to bring that into my sex life.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
And when I.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Get those type of requests from people, I really like
bulk up against it because I'm like, I don't want
to inflict that pain on anyone.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
You know, today's topic is going to touch a little
bit on bullying, but also degradation and humiliation. We do
know that queer and trans people grow up experiencing bullying
at a far higher rate than that of our peers.
Could that be why some of us find ourselves turned
on by consensual degradation humiliation when we're older.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
In this episode, we get on our knees to explore the.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Increasingly popular fetish practice with the help of a pleasure
educator who loves to be bullied in the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Then we'll get tips and tricks from an experienced dom
and sadist on how to incorporate degradation into your own
play in a safe, sane, and consensual way.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Welcome to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions. I am Gabe Gonzale.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I'm Chris Patterson. Rosso Each week weeks more, the Sublind
world of queer sex, cruising and relationship will.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Be talking to queer folks of all kinds. Ask them questions,
swap sex stories, share intimate revelations.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
A lot of us are discovering ourselves in cruising spaces.
This happened to me at this toilet stall, in the
library or the airport. I feel like everybody's gonna fuck
a little harder here. Damn. So I've been like the
neighborhood plot, and I took pride in that I was
so afraid but yet so intrigued. And the more I
gave him, the more he could take.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
If you're having sex on Sniffy's, you already have a
moral deficit.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Our first guest today is a pleasure educator and freelance
writer whose columns on queer sexuality have been published in Playboy,
l The Advocate, Them.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
And The Daily Beasts. Like Chris and I.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
He has a podcast called Bad in Bed that offers
queer sex ed to listeners.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Please welcome Bobby Box. Hey Bobby, how are you baby?
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Well, we're so happy to have you. Did you experience
bullying as a kid.
Speaker 5 (04:09):
Oh? Yes, okay, I was, you know, called a fag
since I was a kid all the time. I love
the spice girls, like you know, that was the thing.
Like it was like my friends were girls, you know.
And and then as I went to high school, I
was like, okay, do you need to survive. You're playing
all the sports, you're gonna be dating girls, You're going
to be doing everything that you can do to make.
Speaker 6 (04:31):
Your life easier right now.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
But I still got bullied.
Speaker 5 (04:34):
Like I remember even bathroom breaks, being like I'm going
to walk down the hall and someone's gonna call me
that name, do you know what I mean? And like
you prepare for it and you go quiet and you
look at the floor while you're walking, and it's you know,
it's a sad experience in hindsight. But now that I'm
so like proud of who I am, I'm like like
fuck that, yeah.
Speaker 6 (04:55):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (04:56):
Like, yeah, like it's like it makes me out or
of who I am now to live out loud.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I think it's obvious how common of it experience this
is globally for queer youth. But interestingly, a lot of
that language is stuff that I've encountered in community or
in sexual scenarios that feels kind of empowering or fun
to reclaim. Right, Like, I love using the word fag
to describe myself. Yeah, I have had people call me
(05:22):
fag in bed, and I've been like, huh, never thought
about it. Okay, sure, Like as long as we're you know,
I don't have to role play that hard if that's
what you are, like, and then everybody loves that story
about like going back home and like finding their bully
on grinder and like and like sort of like literally
reclaiming the source of this stuff. Yeah, So I'm curious
(05:42):
how do you sort of navigate this past trauma and
ways of like maybe reclaiming it or giving it a
new context.
Speaker 5 (05:48):
The word fag in this sexual context took me a
very long time to get comfortable with. So my first
ever boyfriend that I had, he loved the word. He's
been out for years and was like he was very
dominant and very like had like you know, he knew
what being gay was all about.
Speaker 6 (06:06):
I was like the angenu like.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
Oh, like you know kind of like yeah, so like
it worked for us like that whole like dynamic. But
I remember when he used the word fag. I I
felt like I went right back to those days in
high school.
Speaker 6 (06:22):
My heart dropped through my chest.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
All arousal was gone, and I was like I had
to stop this, you know, this scene you know, quote unquote,
but I was like, I can't do with you calling
me that, like that's an issue for me. And he
was like, oh really, He's like that sucks because like
that's one of my favorite words. And that kind of
modeled its way through our entire relationship. But he also
was somebody I trusted, you know, and somebody that I loved,
(06:48):
and it became something where I actually it has evolved
to become one of the words I really really enjoy
being called in bed now. So it's like so eventually,
and I you know, I think it did come with
you know, being fresh out of the closet, not totally
comfortable with who I was, to now being like yeah
I am, and I'm proud of it, Like you better
know I am. I remember when it happened too, Like
(07:10):
I remember being like, oh wait, that word just made
you like come, you know what I mean. I was like,
that was a word that used to be trauma, and
now it's the complete opposite. So it's like I thank
him for many things, but one of the things was
for just kind of like letting me be a submissive
and trusted dominant completely, do you know what I mean?
And now I don't think I could have without a
(07:32):
boyfriend type relationship, you know, just to really learn the ropes.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Yeah, I don't think I'm there yet. I think maybe
it's part of like being non binary. Like I use
the word paget a lot to describe my group of friends,
et cetera, and like a social context, but like in
a sexual context, I like, I hear the word and
I'm like absolutely not yeah, because I do not identify.
Speaker 5 (07:53):
No, I really do think it's common, because I did
do a post on it. I did two informal polls
four years apart, so like just basically on my social accounts,
and I in twenty nineteen twenty seven, only twenty seven
percent were comfortable being called faggot in the bedroom, where
in twenty twenty three, that grew to forty two percent.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
I don't know if that's that we're becoming more comfortable
with it or that like my audience changed, But like,
that's an interesting insight.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
I think it's But then both yeah.
Speaker 5 (08:25):
Right and another and a follow up poll, half of
the voters admitted to using the fsler among friends, so,
like whether they were comfortable with it sexually or not,
half of us use it with our friends as like
it's meaningless, it's a term of endearment. Yeah, you know,
I just find that such an interesting, you know, insight.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, I'm curious in the context of sort of dom
sub relationships too. How is it something that you started
navigating and is it something that you incorporated into your
sex life outside of your past relationship.
Speaker 6 (08:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
So you know, like all of us as when we're
younger and we're like exploring our sexual selves, we all
happen upon a website that changes everything for us period,
you know what I mean, Like and you're like, oh, wait,
like your eyes widen, your whole widen.
Speaker 6 (09:12):
You know, it just happened.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
And yeah, mine was yeah.
Speaker 5 (09:17):
That too, Yeah, and I I mine was called smoking Hunks.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Dot com smoking hunks.
Speaker 5 (09:24):
So I don't know if yeah, so if these men
who are smoking and they're like literally like muscular, greased up,
and then they're like smoking and they're calling you faggot,
they're calling you the worst word, like you know, and
they're just talking down to you.
Speaker 6 (09:37):
And I was like, oh, this is gonna be a
problem for me.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Okay, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 6 (09:42):
Like I was like, this is that was the beginning
of the end.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
And then I found I started dating man that embodied
those types. Even when I tried to convince myself I
was straight by watching straight porns, I always I always
saw myself as like the female because unfortunately, you know,
head sexual porn is very one note where like it's
often the female being you know, humiliated or degraded or
(10:06):
anything like that. So like that's where I saw myself,
you know, Like I was like, oh, that's who I
want to be in scene, you know.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
So so I have to ask, are there any words
you don't like?
Speaker 5 (10:15):
As much of a submissive as I am, I do
think it's important that every submissive has their boundaries and
they express that right from the get.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
Go, because a good dom also doesn't want.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
To cross boundaries.
Speaker 5 (10:26):
Yeah, you know, you want both people to be completely comfortable.
I think a lot of people think that, like a
dominant doesn't care about the other person's needs and that's
what makes it hot. And I'm like, not at all,
it's the complete opposite. You need one trust in that
person as much of like a submissive hoe that I
can be. I'm still very sensitive comments about my body,
like let's not go there, you know, like I'm a
(10:48):
thicker guy. But like I remember the first time I
got called beefy. I just remember in the moment it
hitting me, and then your mind's kind of out of
that subspace, which is very important for a submissive, and
you're like, oh, you kind of off and you tense up,
and it's like that's not good. But like, also, they
didn't know. I didn't express that to them, so that's
not their issue either, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 6 (11:08):
They meant it as a compliment.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Yeah, I mean, and I feel like in that situation,
it's like you don't know, you don't like it until
it happens, you know. And I think that, oh, that's
like the whole exploration of that. It's like there are
lots of times where I'm in situations and something happens,
I'm like, oh, you know what, I actually don't like that.
Let's never do that again.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Right, So, baby, I'm curious you'd approach sex from a
kind of educational and sometimes academic standpoint, even though your
language is very accessible, right, you're like meeting folks that
they're at But I'm wondering how how you view the
psychology of your own approach to humiliation and degradation and
how your thoughts surrounding it have evolved, and if you
see the way people engage with it evolving further than
(11:47):
how we talk about it and engage with it today.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
Well, sex obviously is complicated, and you know, like in
a beautiful way, Like you know, it's complex and all
of us come at it from a different angle, you know.
So I've managed to because you know, I knew the
topic coming into this, I've distilled it down into four
reasons why I think people are into being humiliated, you know,
the dom sub type thing being Yeah. So, first is shame.
(12:13):
M So, I think shame drives a lot of sex. Actually,
So what happens is, you know, like from a young age,
we're all taught that, like you know, sex can be bad,
Like you know, it's like, don't engage in sex. You know,
it's this this can happen to you, that can happen
to you. Then add on the fact that you're queer,
which amplifies it by a thousand, so you're like everything
I've ever thought is wrong, you know. So when you
(12:36):
add when those natural feelings are kind of coupled with
this messaging that sex is wrong like and shameful, it
kind of heightens.
Speaker 6 (12:43):
Arousal for people.
Speaker 5 (12:45):
So it like makes something that you're already ashamed about
more shameful, which in turn makes it more exciting. So
I think that like kind of leaning into that makes
it more hot. The second one is giving up control.
So I think that for a lot of people, it's
very alluring to be in a sexual scene and be like, listen,
I don't have to worry about a damn thing.
Speaker 6 (13:06):
You're gonna take care of this for me.
Speaker 5 (13:08):
And it's like, you know, like you might see CEOs
with sex workers who are like that's their thing because
they're in charge all the time and they don't want
to be anymore. They want to explore that other dynamic.
So I think that that's very appealing and erotic to
people to be like, yeah, like do whatever you want
to me. And then their third which I think might
(13:28):
be surprising to people, but it's intimacy.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Mm hm.
Speaker 5 (13:31):
So I think that being submissive is a very vulnerable experience.
You know, you're giving yourself to someone entirely for a
pre negotiated amount of time. So it's like I'm yours,
do what you want with it. But it's like there's
so much trust that comes with that. And I also
say like it might not seem intimate based on the
acts that might be happening at the time, but it
(13:53):
actually is because of everything that went into it.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah, it's like some of the most quote unquote dehumanizing
stuff we do in sex actually requires some of the
most emotional trust and emotional connection. That's I really love
point number three. I'm vibing on that one yes. And
number four Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:08):
Number four is I think honestly validation period. We do
it because it turns the dom on like we're doing
what they really want and we're their.
Speaker 6 (14:17):
Fantasy, do you know what I mean? And that's hot.
Speaker 5 (14:20):
Just like when you post like a first trap, you know,
and it gets likes, It's like but I'm everything he
wants me to be, or they want me to be
she wants me to be. Right now, those what I
would say, are the main four, and for me, I'm
probably a complicated mix of all four.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
You know what is one of the hotter stories that
you have of engaging with this kink of domination and humiliation.
Speaker 5 (14:43):
I'm still mending from like my broken relationship and I
go on a trip to Palm Springs and I was
very kind of like in my head and everything. But
we go to like gay Sunday Evening bingo or whatever,
and we play and there's this like hot daddy there bartending,
but he's like giving out the cards and I told
my friends. I was like, I'm gonna marry that man someday.
(15:04):
Like ah, yeah, you follow it, and I'm like yeah,
yeah yeah. So later that night, me and another friend
went to that bar again and he was there and
he was like, Oh, I'm so glad you came. I
was staring at you all day and I was like, oh,
it's mutual, this is over. So he I go to
the bathroom like after a few drinks and I go
to close the door behind me and then his arm
(15:26):
is in the doorway and he's like, don't close on me,
and like I'm like okay, and then I opened the door.
He comes in not a word, and then he just
like whips his dick out and starts pissing.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
In my mouth. Was it open? Did he aped? Or
were you like, oh god, it was oh no, it
was open.
Speaker 6 (15:45):
Yeah, it was very much like a I think, I
thought oral.
Speaker 5 (15:48):
And then he just fully pissed in my mouth and
I was like okay, and then that happened, and then
I remember like he just like truly like zipped up,
like tap me on the head, and then like walked
back to the bar, and I remember just like sitting
there like you know, like that moment where like your
heart's pumping, Like I feel like it was like a
TV show thing where it's like you're so turned up,
but you're like, what the hell just happened?
Speaker 6 (16:09):
Never did water sports before?
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Then that was it.
Speaker 5 (16:11):
So he like eventually like took me home. He was great,
and we had sex for like a crazy amount of
time and he filmed and it was like it things
I've never done before with my phone.
Speaker 6 (16:22):
So I was good with It's not going.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
My friend who was like also at the bar with
me was like, I think I like jerked off to
you guys having sex for like three times. I was like,
because he heard from the other door. So I was like,
what a lovely vacation experience.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Yeah, yeah, and that was last night.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
It was such a climactic evening and I was like,
I think I was forever changed after that moment.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (16:48):
I was like I kind of started chasing those types
of things, but like, nothing ever to that degree has
happened again.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Yeah, it's like chasing your first high.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Well, Bobby, I'm so sex that you got to join
us today to where can folks find you online?
Speaker 6 (17:03):
By Bobby Box?
Speaker 5 (17:04):
So b Y Bobby Box, I would say Instagram and
Twitter is where the best place is to find me
for sure.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
All Right, when we come back, we'll be talking with
the master of humiliation, the one and only dominion Onics.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Well, now that we've heard from the submissive side, let's
talk about humiliation and degradation with a dominant. Our next
guest is a writer, a kinster, and a leather man.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
He's written about kinks like humiliation for recon dot com
and co hosts a kinky podcast called The bgkh Show
on YouTube. BGKH stands for a Black, gay, kinky and human.
Please welcome Dominion ONYX.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Hey, guys, how's it going today? It's going well. How
are you? I am tired okay, but super excited to
be I love that. Yeah, being a good doma. I'm
sure it takes a lot of work.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
It does its job, it really it really is. I'm
a dumb in my work life and in my personal.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I don't know how you do it. We love a
consistent brand.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
That's yeah, dominion for people who don't know what is Onyx.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
ONYX is a fraternity for gay and bisexual men of
color who are into leather, kink, and fetish lifestyles.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
And we have chapters all over the US.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
Ten chapters so far. And I am the chair of
the National Council.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Oh incredible, Okay, oh my god. We got the Damia
the crown. Oh you have earned the crowd. I love that. Okay. Cool.
Some people wear some people wear your caps.
Speaker 4 (18:38):
I wear the crown period. I'm not a sir, I'm
not a master. I am Dominion.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Oh so I love I love that, so dominion.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Our previous guest, Bobby Box, described a bit of a
connection maybe between his childhood bullying experiences and his appreciation
for scenes of degradation or getting pissed on or being
called names. And I'm wondering if you have any connection
between your youth are coming into your sexuality and your
interest in this particular area of the kink world.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Well a little. So this this is not like a
direct thread that you can draw. But you know, when
I was a kid, you know, so my best friend
he probably doesn't remember all of this, or he doesn't want.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
To talk about it, but.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
I guess which I remember distinctly being in his basement
and making him pull his pants down so that I
could spank him. And that was a thing that we
did a lot of, and we were both he was
nine and I was eight, so it wasn't like, you know,
a sexual thing, but that was the beginning of that
(19:42):
sort of thing. And also even when we played like
schoolhouse games, I was always.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Like the person in charge.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
So that sort of has been a through line in
my entire personality ever since. I mean from the age
of twenty two to on. You know, men have called
me daddy, so you know, it's just been who I am.
And so over time I grew into that personality and
learned not to fight it and use it to my advantage.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
I have to ask, like, as a nine year old,
what what sparked this idea that, like, you know what,
I just want to spank my best friend.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
It just you know, sometimes I spend a lot I
spent I do spend a lot of time thinking about
these things. But then sometimes I'm just like it just
is it?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Just is it?
Speaker 4 (20:28):
Just it makes me happy. No one's getting hurt. He
we're not even friends anymore, so he doesn't even know
who dominion is. Clearly that's not what my mother named me.
But you know, he doesn't know about this part of
my life and he wouldn't remember that or think anything
about it.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
But he did it willingly. Okay, okay, so this was
like anything.
Speaker 4 (20:49):
Where I sort of forced him into a corner and
made him pull his pants down. I did, like, take
your pants off, you know, and my most forceful eight
year old voice. But you know, he did it willingly
of his own volition. When I'm dominating someone, I'm fine
with tying people up a dooring whatever, but I'd rather
just say take your clothes off. And because of the
(21:10):
force of my personality.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
My body just reacted to that.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I did that.
Speaker 4 (21:18):
I clearly recalled being in Wilton Manors and we were
in the whatever the name of that grilled Cheese New
York Grilled Cheese and this guy was there. I was like,
you should just take your pants off right here.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
He was like I shouldn't. I was like, you should
take your pants off right now.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
And he laughed for a moment. But I don't break
eye content. You know, there's it's it's it's a it's
a scene that you're getting into and always it's always consensual.
So if he hadn't done, and what was I going
to do, like make him take his store? But it
was like a little fun game that we were playing,
and he was totally excited. He was getting turned on
(21:54):
and his lips were getting red and you can see
the tips of his ears getting read. So I knew
that he was into it. He just need to get
into that. He was getting into it.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Yeah, yeah, I'm like thinking of myself eating my grilled
cheese and watching this man take his pants.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Off exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (22:13):
And I was with all of my I was with
all of my friends too, so all of my all
of my brothers. They were like here he goes here,
he goes here, you go yeah exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
So it reminds me of the witches in Dune, the
Benny Jesuret who just like used the voice and everyone's like,
oh my god.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Exactly, that's you. Yeah, it's a more subtle magic, it is.
It is a very subtle magic.
Speaker 4 (22:35):
Yes, my dominance was a natural growth of who I was,
and at first it was really just sort of basic
sexual things. But really getting involved with Onyx gave me
the opportunity to dive deeper into who I was and
to be mentored by other doms and to learn different
kinds of domination. So I'm sort of a loud person.
(22:58):
That's who I am just naturally. But I was mentored
by people who were quiet when they were in the room.
They dominated the room, but they never raised their voice,
and so that was something that I practiced.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Over time.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
I just developed those ways. I got mentored by good people.
I had some good experiences, and I also, as a domb,
opened myself up to new experiences. So all of the
things that I'm into now are the results of relationships
that I was in and people bringing things to those
relationships that hadn't previously been a part of my personality.
(23:34):
My first true love we were in a hotel room
one day at mid Atlantic leather weekend. I have a shoehorn,
a three foot long shoehorn for putting on boots. Yeah,
he said you should hit me with this, and you know,
hit him one time. He was like, no, you should
hit me with this. It's like, yeah, he just.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Used the voice on you. He used the voice on me.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
And so that's the thing I am not so wrapped
up and who dominion is that I can't be mentored
and taught and learn from other people, regardless of.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
What side of the slash they on. I know who
I am.
Speaker 4 (24:11):
I know that I'm dominant, but that doesn't mean I
can't accept something from other people, because all of that
is variety. So I took this shoehorn and he was
he's black, but he was light skinned, and so I
could start to see how his skin started to change
color and how he would grab me, not around the
neck like this, but like hugging me, like holding on
(24:34):
to me, like for dear life. As I started to
hit him harder and harder, and then that's when my
emotional vamporism sort of kicked in and he was getting
louder and I was getting louder, and so that's when
my journey into sadism really.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Sort of started.
Speaker 4 (24:49):
It's interesting to explore the concept of humiliation, because one
person's humiliation getting pissed on is another person's day in
the park. Is it humiliating to be forced to wear
a butt plug and to have it come out while
you're at the gym? For some people that is the
height of humiliation, But for a lot of people, including
my former slave, that kind of thing was not super humiliating.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
It was more like a.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
Marker of dominion controls me. The journey has to include
you getting excited as well, because I do know some
doms and it works for some subs that their only
interest is their own pleasure, and the subs only interest
is the doms pleasure.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
That's not fun for me.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
If we're really going to have a scene, I need
you to be equally as satisfied as well, because otherwise
I could have had a V eight. So a new
thing that I am into, and again these are all
things that have been brought to me by slaves or
subs in my life is bondage through pantyhose.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Oh so just.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
Take a pair of passes, yes, and a tight pair,
so you know you're fully encased.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
And then there's all sorts of things that you could do.
There's nipples.
Speaker 4 (26:08):
I could put a nice big plug inside of you
and then just sort of gently pound on the plug. Well,
you said tap, I said paund But we mean the
same thing.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
A very subject subjective, you know, exactly exactly, And I'm
glad you realized that I saw the switch.
Speaker 6 (26:28):
Oh well, okay.
Speaker 4 (26:31):
You know, so that encasement bondage for some people is
really fun and exciting and it's accessible. There's lots of
fun and interesting things, and so what I want to
do is make kink accessible to them. So it's great
to have like a full dungeon full of stuff, but
it's also great to say, hey, just go by by
yourself a pair of pantyhose and a candle, a white
(26:55):
candle from the bodega, and these are all things that
are easily accessible to you.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
I love that too, right, that there doesn't have to
be a financial barrier to entering dominance and submission play.
It's like you can use things that you have at homie,
can use things that you can find at the bodega.
And I think again, it kind of it requires tapping
into the imagination a little bit, right.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
It's like that's why it's a scene.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
You're creating a bit of a fantasy and like you're
bringing things and looking at them in a new context.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
I think it's great advice.
Speaker 4 (27:21):
Yeah, it's funny, but I'm into that sort of creating
a scene and role playing.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
But I hate role playing.
Speaker 4 (27:29):
Like if you were to be like, call me daddy,
and I'd be like, I guess, but I mean not
you called, not not me, call you daddy.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (27:39):
You knew what? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (27:41):
Okay, alright, But I mean like they're just like, okay,
so I'm the errant schoolboy and you're the school master,
and I'm just like that requires the kind of thought
that I don't want to put in. But if you
were like, hey, hey, here's a box full of stuff,
(28:02):
like we're in the kitchen, it's like, you know, build
a scene with you know something in this kitchen, I'm like, okay, well,
here's a rebel of Spatula and a wooden spoon and
you know some crisco.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
If somebody is trying to enter this particular form of kink.
What tips would you give for somebody who wants to
specifically enter this space as a dominant partner.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
So I think you need to be open.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
That's really the first thing, because you're going to have
some ideas about what you want. But humiliation is often
about what they want. It's an exchange, and so unlike
even other forms of kink exchange, humiliation is a lot
more about what they're getting out of the scene. So
you need to be open to that because likely or
(28:49):
at least partially going to be things that you might
need might not even be into, So you're going to
have to be willing to be open about that.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
You're then going to have to figure.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
Out what you're at absolute hard limits. Are you know
you're not going to be into blood or whatever, then
you're just not into that.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
I think you're going to have to brush up on
your negotiation skills. Sure, I think.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
You're going to have to figure out how to say
no and mean it. And I think you're going to
have to figure out once you've had these sort of conversations.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
What that aftercare is going to look like.
Speaker 4 (29:23):
So I'm hoping that the other people that you've talked
to have talked about sort of similar things. So whether
you're on the dom or the subside, it's going to
be about the same. It's just that on the domb
side you're going to have to be more open because
what is humiliating to you might not be humiliating to
the person who wants to be humiliated. So you're going
(29:45):
to have to expand your thinking, do a lot of reading,
listen to other people, see what other people think is humiliating,
and then be prepared with that list of things when
you're talking to whoever it is is that you're going
to play with, and so then you've got like this
menu of things that they want to do. So I
(30:06):
think those are probably some some good tips to start.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
I would love to know what is your favorite and
most wild experience that you've had.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
I mean, I feel like I am just always plateauing
with a new partner because I'm always doing new stuff
with the slave and with others. So and then there
was this one time at Blackout for where I existed
for the weekend on the other side of the slash. Now,
no one here should get any idea, but those who
(30:37):
know know that there's a reason that my other nickname
and Onyx is Nadiya Kominich. My mentor said to me,
you know, if you you know, don't do anything to
others that you wouldn't have done to you. So I
was like, all right, great, so I'll take a turn
in the sling with these toys and yeah we uh
(31:01):
so here I am relaxing, you know, they're playing in
my butt and then I.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Hear this was a raid. Shut up. I rocked forward,
I rock back.
Speaker 4 (31:12):
I rocked forward and into my clothes, which is how
I got the name Nadiya Komaich because if I was
going to jail, I was not going to jail naked.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Or with any toys in your butt. Plug came out,
the pants came on. Yeah, yes, so that is wild.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
But I also I think that's wonderful, right.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
I think we've actually talked to a lot of doms
that either used to identify some missives.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Some bottom a lot and they really.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Were like, I think understanding things from both sides of
the spectrum has been really helpful.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Now that one time was enough for me, I don't sure.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Yeah, yeah, sometimes the knowledge sticks. You read the book
once and you get it right exactly, you know. But
sometimes we like to go back and reread. Yeah, yes
you are.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Davidian.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
This has been so much fun. Appreciate it and thank
you so much for joining us today. I'm curious where
can folks find you online or on social media.
Speaker 4 (32:13):
On the theta Insta webs and the twitters and the TikTok.
Everything is at domonics okay, and you can also find
me every Wednesday at eight pm on The b g
k H Show with Dominion and Epic YouTube dot com
Slash The b gk H Show just like it sounds, black, gay,
kinky and human.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Thank you so much for coming. I will be bet
you will. I think you were instructed to just now.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
Yeah, I have faith that I will connect with you, sir.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
I love you too.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
I know my my height might be uh misleading, but
I don't I don't know if I'm the target audience.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Okay, friends, Yeah, this park was this episode was wild.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
Yeah, like yeah, the conversations that we had for me,
I could never be degraded in the bedroom. But understanding
why someone would like that, I think Bobby gave us
longe syst like why someone is into these things in
the bedroom. You need to give me a little bit
more perspective, and I don't know if I'll be changing
my views on that anytime, but it is nice to
know where people are coming from so that like when
(33:32):
I hear about those things, I don't immediately like cringe,
because sometimes I do.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
And I think speaking to Bobby especially, I think I
was skeptical of this idea that like trauma informs our
sexual preferences.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Again, I was like, it's giving freud. I don't buy it.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Yeah, I'm not liking it. I'm still in my oral phase.
But I really think that for some people it does
kind of work that way. It can be a very
healing and I don't know, therapeutic process to kind of
channel some of that trauma and recontextualize it in your
brain as something that turns you on. I think that's
kind of like the root of a lot of kings
and fetishes.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
A thing that should be painful or a thing that
should be traumatic is actually pleasurable when done in the
right context and with and communication between partners for sure.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
And that trust, right. We talked a lot about trust
today and being open.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Domini was very open to dominating you, which I thought
that there was a vibe, but there was a vibe.
I gotta say, I really I loved him, and I
think he taught me a lot about how like dom
sort of view their role in relationships, because I love
that he spoke a lot about how his submissive partners
have actually introduced him.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
And into the way that he shows up as a
don totally.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
This is our last episode Wild. We are on our
twelfth episode Wild. I know, can you believe we did it?
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Did it? I'm very excited. No, I'm really excited.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Yea.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
It has been such a joy talking to all of
our guests and really having this platform to talk about
some really interesting topics and how having fun but also
being really educational and informative.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
And you know, I'm really looking forward to season two.
I am too. I would love to be back.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
This has been such a fun ride, and I'm I'm
just really thankful that we got to do this together.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Yes, because I love you, but I'm like.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
I was really blown away by the guests and topics
that we managed to approach, and I think that's been
the most fun part of the series, right, like really
digging in and also being kind of slutty. It's the
smart and slutty division. Has been evenly balanced, which is
kind of my brand.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
That's give it up for nerdy sluts. Come on now.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
So, since this is our last episode, we've got to
say goodbye to all of you, our audience, who has
been so incredible. We've been reading all your comments. We've
been loving the feedback. Thank you for watching, thank you
for coming along for the ride, every ride. Because we've
written a lot, done, written so much on this shows
from episode one.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
Now, please continue sharing the series if you liked anything
you saw, and if you want to follow us on
social media, you can find me on all socials using
the handle gay Bones g A Y b O n
e Z. It was a nickname in college and I
never thought I'd have to use it professionally.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
And yet here we are, and here we are, and
you can find me on all socials at CPR gives
you life.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
CPR gives you life.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
You're pretty good at puns yourself. That, Yeah, because it does.
It literally does, and they do and I do. Yeah,
Thanks again for watching, and we'll see you for season
two next season. Gus Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is a production
of the Outspoken podcast Network from iHeart Podcasts. It's directed
(36:39):
by Adam Barron, produced by Stevie Williams and Cameron Femino,
and executive produced by Eli Martin. Cruising Confessions is presented
by Snippy's, the ultimate map based cruising platform for gay
by and curious people ready to cruise.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
Check out the map at snippis dot com and follow
Snippy's on socials at Snippy's app.
Speaker 6 (36:57):
Put job good, put Joe, put Jo puts yeah H
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