November 13, 2025 • 36 mins
Comedian James Tom spent years identifying as a lesbian enby, but it took a Fire Island orgy and a twink in a Versace speedo to help him realize he was actually a gay guy. James has been mining his experiences for hilarious stand-up material ever since. In this episode, James stops by to tell Gabe and Chris side-splitting stories of sexual aha moments and misadventures alike. He also offers tons of helpful advice to trans and cis queers who “just wanna fuck” -- including Chris and Gabe! Want to know what cis guys should absolutely NOT say when hooking up with trans guys? This episode’s for you!
Follow Sniffies' Cruising Confessions: cruisingconfessions.com
Try Sniffies: sniffies.com
Follow Sniffies on Social:
Instagram: instagram.com/sniffiesapp
TikTik: tiktok.com/@sniffiesapp
Follow the hosts:
Gabe Gonzalez: instagram.com/gaybonez
Chris Patterson-Rosso: instagram.com/cprgivesyoulife
Guests featured in this episode: James Tom: https://www.instagram.com/jamestomxo/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, viewers. Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is an explicit podcast about
queer sex. Filter dirty words and unfiltered descriptions of sexual activities.
If hearing about orgies, anonymous sex, kink, fetish, and more
offends your sensibilities, you might want to skip this Viewer
discretion is advised. It's definitely not for kids. Put your
(00:20):
pussy up, put your put your pussy up, Put your
pussy up, Put, put your pussy up. Welcome to Sniffy's
Cruising Confessions. I'm gabelon Sadez and.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
I'm christtison Rosso. Each week we explore the sublime world
of queer sex, cruising, and relationships.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
We talk to queer folks of all kinds. We'll ask
some questions, swap sex stories, share intimate revelations, and provide
practical advice that you can use at home. Jo put
put yo pussy put Jo, put put your put put
your put up.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
So Gabe, So, Chris, what is the best piece of
advice you've been given about sex?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Uh? Spit is not. Lube is a pretty crucial one. Yes,
you learned that the hard way. And then I actually
the first piece of advice that I actually followed was
getting on PREP because it was late twenty twelve. I've
talked about this on podcasts before, but I had no
idea what PREP was. And I was working as a
cameraman for a porn studio and one of the models
told me he was married to an HIV positive man
(01:17):
and was like, you should try it, especially if you've
had connaist sex lately or you have an anxiety about
getting a CHIV. And I did, Yeah, that sounds like
really sound advice. How about you. Have you ever gotten
any any advice you've taken with you?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Yeah, never trust a fart.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
I hate you for bringing that back.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I hate for those of you who don't know who
may be joining us for the first time. On season one,
first episode had a plan in come dump. We had
our guest, Scott Carslake, and he said, after one of
his sessions, you never trust a fart.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
I've had people come up to me in person and say,
never trust a fart. But that was though a critical
piece of it. That was our very first episode was Yeah,
it was Yeah, that was actually really it was very good.
I think we all know that when we are starting
out our journeys as horny young queer's baby gays or
even demon twinks. It can be hard to figure out
(02:15):
how to navigate the world.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
But most of us into the queer world without any
kind of expert guidance.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Right, Sometimes you just wish someone would come along and
tell you what you're doing wrong and help you understand
how to make better decisions, or at least share their
own fuck ups so you don't repeat them.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Our guest today, comedian James Tom, is someone who is
in a very new place on his own journey, but.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
That is not stopping him from dishing out loads of
juicy advice on his substack Hello again, and sharing what
he's learned in very funny stand up comedy sets all
over the country.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
In today's episodes, we're going to weigh through all the messy,
hilarious moments he's had since transitioning from lesbian NB to
a trans gay guy.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Please welcome to Sniffy's Crusin Confessions, James Tom.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Yay hiye, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
I'm so excited, he resolutely yeah. I if you have
your really psyched. So you've been a comedian for quite
a while, but you're a few years into being a
gay guy.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
I'm sorry and welcome.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Yeah, it's been an interesting transition.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah, I can't imagine. And you talk about this a lot.
I saw you talk about it in your one man
show list Lonely, and you talk about it in your
stand up often. I'm wondering, what has it been like
going through this transition in real time while processing it
in front of audiences.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Oh my god. Well, I've been saying on stage that
I'm going through my early twenties twinkdum in my mid thirties.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, which is.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
A little crazy. It's like, on one hand, it's good
because my prefrontal cortex is fully formed.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yes, so you're making better rational thought.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
Better choices. But on the other hand, when I make
bad choices, I only have myself to play. Well, I
did just get into that man's car. But it's okay.
I'm here today, I'm alive.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
I will say that's not the most dangerous thing we've
heard on this.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Podcast here, but from where I came from, Yeah, you
really are not supposed to do things like that.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
I would love for you to sort of explain the
differences between your adolescens as like a lesbian and now
your adolescence is like a tea boy.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Oh my god, what does it look like? What are
the difference is? How are they the same?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
They're not the same. Okay, they're so different in a
way that like I literally don't think people realize unless
they've experienced both of them, which a lot of people have.
Like as a young lesbian, I feel like I was
so like heartbroken all the time, Okay, weeping, crying because
I watched a sad lesbian movie and I wanted the
(04:40):
women to end up together and they didn't, and I'm
like personally affronted by that. I was very romantic. Every
time I went out, I was like, oh my god, like,
is this the time then I'm going to meet the
woman who's the one? And now I don't give a
fuck about that at all. Yeah, And I'm sure some
of that is just being a teenager versus being like
in your mid thirties. But I don't have like a
(05:03):
strong romantic urge anymore. It's very easy for me to
have a lot of casual sex. I don't know, I
feel different, Like I felt I didn't feel like I
was hot until I started identifying as a gay guy.
Like I always felt like when I had to be
like Bush. I was always like, oh, well, I'm so small,
I'm like weak, I'm not very masculine, and I always
(05:24):
felt really insecure about that. And then when I kind
of came into the gay world, I was like, oh,
I'm just literally a twink. Like I'm just literally, like
exactly a twink. And suddenly everything makes a lot more sense.
I'm like, oh, that's why my lesbian celebrity crushes were
like Jane Fond and Professor McGonagall.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
OK.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Yeah, you're like, oh, I didn't want to have sex
with those ancient women. I just really love them the
way a gay guy loves women, and I've always loved women.
I still love women. I'm very sexist, which is hard
as a gay guy. I feel like I only like
five guys and they're all from Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
They're the only safe ones to like exactly. So in
terms of like kind of realizing these differences in perspective
as you're transitioning, are there like a series of like
aha moments where you're like, oh, it's this or are
do you find yourself sort of like working through ideas
and being like, Okay, it's this now, this is.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Where I'm at kind of the common narrative of transition
is like I feel like this inside and now I'm
going to do AB and C to like change my
outside to match my inside. But I feel like for me,
I had to do a bunch of outside stuff in
order to realize how I felt inside. Like I just
for anybody who doesn't know my gender lore, I was
(06:43):
like a non binary Dike style person for like seventeen years.
I went to women's college. I was really in the
lesbian world because that was all I knew and it
was what I was choosing over and over again. Sort
of at the end of my last relationship with a woman,
which was a non monogamous relationship, I started hooking up
with this a map non binary person, so like not
(07:05):
exactly a gay guy, but I was like, okay, like
this is fun, but like that person's kind of a
lesbian too, and so am I So like it's fine,
nothing has to change. And then when I broke up
with that woman, I started really like moving more into
the gay guye space. But it wasn't until I did
my first trip to Fire Island. Oh yeah, So I
(07:26):
went to Fire Island. I was non binary. I like
hadn't had top surgery, yet I was still going by
my old name. I was like, I have no idea
what this is going to be. Like Frankly, I've never
really been around like only gay guys. I've always had
gay friends, but I've never been in a place where
I was like the only one and everybody else was
a gay guy. And I actually was like, I wonder
if this is going to be really bad, and like
(07:47):
if I'm going to feel insecure or I'm going to
feel left out. And then what ended up happening was
because I went with a great group, everybody just like
treated me like I was one of them. And then
there was one day where we were hosting a pool
party at our house with the Fire Island cast, the
Fire Island the movie cast, because the movie had just
come out totally coincidentally at the same time, and there
(08:10):
was this tall blonde twink in a Versace Spiedo.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
It's always a tall blonde twink and a Versace.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Speedo, yes, exactly matching VERSACEI Spiedo and Versace sunglasses and
he kept like putting his arm around me. And I'm racist,
so I couldn't tell if he was a guy I
knew or not. And I kind of thought like, oh, yeah,
like this is this other blonde twink who I like
have met on this trip. He was and he was
(08:36):
a fully different guy. But I was like, yeah, like
let me put my arm around him too. And then
he was like come upstairs with me, and I was like,
come upstairs, like, this is my house that I'm staying at.
What are you talking about? He takes my hand, we
go upstairs. As we're going up the stairs, he goes
they're hooking up up there, and I was like, oh, okay. Sure.
He leads me like Alice through the looking glass into
(08:58):
the master suite of this house. This guy is on
the bed naked with a cochring on. I come in.
He like kind of starts and like covers himself and
I was like, oh god, like I've ruined everything. This
is not like he was not expecting to see me.
He doesn't want to see me here. And then this
guy was like, oh, like this is what we're doing
in here? And I was like no, I know, and
he was like are you okay with that? And I
(09:20):
was like, yeah, I'm okay with it if you're okay
with it. And he's sort of just laid back and
the versace Twink went onto the bed and started making
out with him, And in that moment, I was like, okay,
I have human agency here. No one is going to
say come up here right now, Like I have to
choose either I get onto this bed yeah, or I
(09:41):
leave yeah. And I got onto the bed and had
like weird rotating group sex with a bunch of people
who were in this room, and I was like, oh,
this is so it was so like natural for me. Again,
I was a lesbian style person for seventeen years. I
never had a threesome. I never had group sex. I
(10:02):
was offered a couple of times, and I always sort
of was like, oh, that sounds complicated. Oh it sounds
kind of emotionally hard, Like I don't know if.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I can do all that, and you're like, I love complicated. No.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
And then in this moment it was so easy for
me that I was like, uh oh, like maybe this
was always true and maybe that's why it felt difficult
for me before, and this actually feels so easy. And
then after that I sort of like, Okay, I kind
of think that's that. I mean, it took me a
while after that, but I was like, Okay, I have
to change my name. I have to like get top surgery.
Not I have to, but like it set me on
(10:37):
the course to like realizing that that was the kind
of stuff I wanted when I had just never kind
of let myself go there before.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Really, it just takes a little a light threesome and
then you can figure.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
Out just a little threesome.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
It like it was a larger group.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
It was kind of three at a time, but people
would like trade in them out, you know, people would
tag out. They'd be like, all right, I'm done, and
you yeah, because you're not a quitter, No, I have stamina. Well, also,
as a as a former lesbian, lesbian sex famously takes
at least four hours, four hours with a buffer hour
to cry afterwards about like what you've discovered about each
(11:14):
other gay guy sex. You're actually kind of trying as
hard as you can not to discover anything.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Bless you find out something like that.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Your life still lower. Exactly.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
No, don't tell me your name.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Yeah, of course. And I do love that you shared
this story because I think your latest substack that I
read was sort of about these kind of like walls
that you you had separated and erected between your communities. Sorry,
I didn't I didn't think about that word.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Listen. Everything is always separating and erecting in my life.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
But but you were talking about how like you were, like, Okay,
among my gay friends, I feel like the slutty gay twink.
And then I go over to hang out with my
trans friends in Cherry Grove and I'm the mayor, I'm
the elder.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
I have to like button up a little great.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
So, like what was keeping those walls up for you
and sort of what helped you collapse them?
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I mean, I think I'm still learning how to collapse
them and how to consolidate all of these different things.
I was talking specifically in this substack about parties like
Doll Invasion and like Tea for T Takeover on Fire Island,
and those parties are born out of trans people being
excluded from those spaces. So the result is that those
(12:28):
parties become almost like a separatist movement where it's like, okay,
like you know, we haven't been allowed here before, so
now here we are all together and we're going to
like take up space together. But at the end of
the day, a lot of like trans cultures and gay
cultures are pretty different. I mean Doll Invasion in particular,
they released a whole statement about like this party is
(12:49):
for everyone, but like they did that because people naturally separate.
It's like a big project for like the whole LGBTQ
community to kind of learn how to communicate with each
other and how to like share the same spaces in
both directions. But obviously the gay guys with money should
be the ones who should probably open some.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Doors, put the burden on them for most things.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
But I feel like there's like a lot of cultural
separation between us. So like I'm in this moment right
now where I'm trying to learn like how to navigate
those spaces and how I can feel like I can
just be myself without having to like become some different
persona depending on who I'm around.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yeah, Like I'd love to hear more about like the
code switching, right, because there are like in gay guy culture,
there are so many different cliques. Do you have the
same thing in tboy culture?
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Well, there's just totally different lenses on just gender and
race alone, just the two small subjects. I don't know
if either of you has ever considered gender and race.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Yeah, yeah, but gay guys in particular have an extremely
clear race and desire hierarchy that I'm sure you guys
have talked about a billion times. That's like white masculine
guys on top, and then everybody else sort of as
a foil off of whatever that is. I will say
lesbians don't do that as clearly as gay guys do,
(14:15):
and trans people also try not to do that as clearly. Obviously,
white supremacy is real and that's pervasive among everybody, but
it's so obvious with gay guys and it's like a pyramid.
So like among trans people and among like Dike culture people,
I'm considered very masculine and I have always felt like
(14:37):
I've had to live up to that and almost like
butchop to be around those people, whereas in gay guye
culture it sounds a little counterintuitive, but I almost think
this is literally just because I'm trans, I was like, oh,
I can be feminine here. This is a thing that exists.
There's like a twink is real. It is expected that
(14:58):
I might be kind of a fem it, that I
might be small, that I might be smooth, which like
that's not my choice that's just like my natural body.
But I found kind of a niche there. And something
that I'm really interested in is I know from having
conversations with others CIS gay men, that sometimes Asian men
are de sexualized in gay spaces. I've had sometimes that
(15:23):
the like assumption put on me that I must also
like have that experience, and I actually don't think I
do in a weird way, and I think it's because
I'm trans. I kind of like am just outside of
that conversation and a lot of the things that like
stereotypically gay guys de sexualize about Asian men, like quote
(15:45):
unquote like having a small deck, or like being like
smooth and hairless, or being like e femineate, which are
all stereotypes obviously, like they kind of don't apply to
me because I'm just like different from that. It's sort
of like, well, yeah, of course I'm sort of a
I'm small, I'm smooth, I have a small dick quote
unquote compared to you, I guess compared to others not
so much. But anyway, yeah, I almost feel like I
(16:11):
come from more of a legacy of like being like
a hyper sexualized Asian woman that I still think carries
over into my gay guy life. Weirdly, everybody's kind of
always wanted to have sex with me, and it just
has kind of changed, like where I'm standing and who's
around me at any given time.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Please welcome to the pod The Fable, James Tom.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
You don't have to say that everybody knows. Something that
I think is really interesting is rice queens are into me. Like.
It's very common, especially if I'm somewhere like San Francisco,
to like have some white guy hit me up and
I look at his stuff and he's like totally married
(16:57):
to a little Asian twink and then a fucked up.
It can be affirming sometimes because I'm like, you're red,
I am exactly like. Something I'm curious about you guys,
is I watched your episode with Santos. Oh, yes, the
last time you had a trans guy on here, and
you were saying at the top of the episode that
(17:19):
you've hooked up with trans guys but you haven't, and
I am curious to know if that has changed.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
It seemed dramatically Okay, okay, she's chasing, but no, no, no, no, no,
I'm kidding.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
That's so funny because that is literally what stopped them
for I don't want to feel I'm fetishizing as people
want to get fucked.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
They definitely do. Sure, we're also really easy, But I
was curious, Chris, since you're a non binary, do you
think that that made you feel more cautious?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I mean, and also like being black and totally like
those sexual experiences of being fetishized, Like I am hyper
conscious of it because I do not want to inflict
that same sort of that pain on someone else, because like,
it's not great, especially when you're just runn to get laid.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
When we come back after this brief break, we're gonna
get more advice from the one and only James Tom
don't go anywhere all right now. In this act, we're
going to put Dreams' skills as an unlicensed advice columnist
to the test.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So I'm gonna ask who in the queer community do
you think is most in need of advice and what
would that advice be.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
I get a lot of advice questions from other trans
guys asking me how do you navigate the CIS gay world.
I almost never get questions from gay guys that are
like how do you like respectfully hook up with trans
man or with FTMS? Which I think is interesting that
there's one demographic of people that cares a lot about
(18:56):
doing something right and one demographic of people that seem
not to care at all. I feel like gay guys
should be asking me questions.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
What are the questions you think they should be asking?
Speaker 3 (19:06):
The thing that comes to mind is the least sexy
question I can think of, but it's what they should
be thinking about, which is like, how do I interact
with a pussy in like a healthy way? And I
don't even mean like mentally and emotionally healthy, I mean
like literal, like hard tech, you know, germs and safety.
(19:27):
Literally that literally like you know what I literally never
thought about as a lesbian. I never thought I hope
this girl washed her hands. But with every single man
I encounter, I'm like, wait, wait, like I almost I
need to get better at this because I need to
get better at asserting my needs. But I almost want
to ask guys to wash their hands as soon as
they come into my house, just because I don't know
(19:47):
where they've been.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
If I can share this story, please, okay? So I
love this we wered he from Tessa's birthday and we
hooked up afterwards.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
We did, and I.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Remember we got into your partment. You were like, please
wash your hands.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Oh I did say it because I know you totally.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yeah, no, you know where these hands are been. You
go to the bathroom and I washed my hands in
the kitchen, and then we kind of like started making out,
and then there was a moment where you stopped me
were like, please wash your hands, and I was like,
I wasn't gonna be like I already did you know
what I mean. I'm like, I'm in your house. I
was like, oh, yes, I should do this again.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Like, well, you didn't have to wash your hands twice.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
No, but it's really funny.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
I was really nice of you.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Though, no I would obviously, I don't need to be
told something twice. I'll do it. But you're not the
first transuit I've hooked up with. It's like, hey, can
you just wash your hands? And I'm like, I know,
gay men are disgusting. I'm really sorry. I'm happy to
do it.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
That night, it was because I knew we had all
been out at the bar.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Oh yeah, touching.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
I actually did know exactly where you had been, and
it was at karaoke, which is like the least hand
sanitizing activity. But I realized and because I had a
kind of opposite experience where I had to learn a
bunch of stuff about like contraceptives and STIs because as
like a lesbian quote unquote, I kind of tuned out
(20:55):
all of those lessons because I was like, Oh, I'm
not gonna get pregnant, Like I'm not going to do
any of the stuff. I don't have to worry. I
started hooking up with gay man, I was like, Oh,
this is actually really real, And likewise, it's kind of
the same for gay guys, where like a lot of
the time they don't know, like guys don't know that
I can get pregnant and they think that I can't
because of like testosterone, which is not true, or like
(21:17):
they don't know, you know, you can't put something in
a vagina that you just put in a bot, correct,
But they don't know that because they've just like never
thought about that before. And so that changes, you know,
a like orgy situation where you have to all of
a sudden be like, hey, like where has that been
before it goes into me? Because they don't know, So
(21:37):
I think that gay guys could do to learn some
stuff like that first and then kind of the etiquette. Yeah,
of course the etiquette stuff comes sort of after.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Maybe this is a public call for more gay guy to.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
Wash their hands.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Yeah. I was gonna say to submit questions your substack,
but it has been answered, and the question is wash your.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Well, you should be washing your hands with each other too.
It's not just for trans guys or trans people. You
actually should do that in general.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
They're like dox exists, but like a lot.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Of things like doxy you know, have never been tested
on quote unquote women, so like because the medical industry
shuts out literally half the world and then obviously to
say nothing of the nuances of like trans people's identities.
But it means that like people like me, we don't
actually know how those medications work. Like I'm on doxy too,
(22:33):
but it's kind of just in good faith, like it's
almost just to make myself feel better because literally the
doctor was like, well, I think this is not going
to be as effective for you, but if you want
to do it, you can.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
And what was it like with prep because I know
that we didn't get studies, including a fab people regarding
PREP until after it is tested on sis men.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
And there's only certain versions of PREP that I can take.
Some of them don't work, or not that they don't work,
but they just have literally not been tested on half
the people in the world.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah, because like why not, well we know why not
we should name it.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
It's because nobody cares about women. Do you care about women,
gay guys, women who aren't Celine Dion, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
I was gonna say women who don't have like multi platinum.
What do you think new or younger trans guys should
know about hookay with gay men? And what advice would
you give to the gay men that aren't asking for
it but need it about hooking up for transmen?
Speaker 3 (23:32):
For trans guys who want to hook up with gay guys,
you have to know that consent what works really differently
in the sexual community, and you just have to be
prepared for that, Like somebody is going to do something
that you're not that into, and you have to be
ready to say, like, actually I'm not into that, and
then they'll stop. Hopefully. You have to have really good
street smarts and awareness. I use apps mostly. We didn't
(23:54):
really talk about this, but I don't actually really cruise
irl yet because I have a deep fear of rejection
and so I'm like not really ready to like put
my my body on the line in that way. Whereas
on the apps, particularly being trans, you know, I can
tell you like this is the deal, and then you
already know before we meet up. But so on apps,
(24:17):
you have to be able to tell when somebody is weird.
You have to be able to weed out like who's
an okay person to meet up with in real life
and who is weird and who you can't really trust.
For me, this is like hyperbolic, and it's like kind
of feeding into like a like lesbian fear of men.
But you kind of have to treat everybody like they
could kill you, because they could make sure that you
(24:40):
only meet up with people who you're like ninety percent
sure what they're going to be. Like, Yeah, you have
to learn how to assert yourself. You can find the
freedom in asserting yourself and you can be as clear
as like I'm into this, this and this, I'm not
into this, this and this, and everybody will just take
it as a fact, and you should feel entitled to
do that. I think Santo said something about entitlement sexual
entitlement as well. This is rude, but it's like they
(25:01):
don't care about you, so you don't have to care
about them either, accurate, Like it's not like, you know,
when you have sex with a woman or really any
marginalized person, including men.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
You're like, I know, I hear the comments.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
All right, you have to see their humanity, you have
to care about them. You have to be like and
this includes trans people of all kinds, includes a menunt
of color, et cetera, et cetera. Like you have to
be like, this is like a real person, but in
the gay guy world, you have to understand that person
is not always thinking that you're a real person. Like
(25:35):
a lot of their time, they're they're just trying to
get their rocks off. So you can feel free to like,
you know, not to dehumanize anyone, but to be like, look,
this is what we're here to do. It can feel
kind of transactional, but that's okay. That's what it is
for gay guys who want to hook up with trans guys.
(25:55):
And number one, wash your hands. Every trans person and
every trans guy is going to be different. People are
going to feel differently about all kinds of things. They're
going to feel differently about the things they want to
do and the things they're not okay with. They're going
to feel differently about the things they call the parts
of their body. Like I say pussy all the time,
and I actually didn't start saying pussy until I started
(26:15):
being a gay guy. I like actually never even considered
that before as a lesbian. As a gay guy, I
was like, oh, now I have a pussy, like exactly exactly,
and interrogate that. But no, it's okay, you don't have
to you want have to be into that. Gay guys
(26:36):
think of pussy as an ass when they should be
thinking of it as a dick and an ass and
an ass in the womb. We all start out the same.
All of our junk is the same stuff, and then
it kind of formulates one way or the other, but
it's all the same stuff in a different configuration. So
it's kind of like, what feels too good to you
will probably feel good to me on a different scale.
(26:57):
You should know that the it, which I say specifically
to be like anatomically clear here, it's got like like
thousands more nerve endings or something than like a penis.
So you should know, like we're way more sensitive than
you and like you gotta chill out if you don't
(27:18):
like teeth. I don't like teeth, so I don't know what.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
That couldn't imagine my teeth.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
They should know. The vachina is not like the ass
It doesn't have to be as prepared. I mean not
that you shouldn't prep but like bottoming anally is is
a whole project. Yeah, like you have to plan ahead
of time. Yeah, exactly. For vagina is not really like that,
so you don't really have to be as like oh no.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Like a there was a guy who was looking up
with who called it pussy privilege.
Speaker 3 (27:48):
No, it is. It is friendical privileges. I can eat
a cheeseburger and then go bottom afterwards, like that's nothing
to me, and I have a poor gastro intestinal system. Yeah,
you just have to You have to be willing to
ask questions and also try to mirror people's language. Especially
(28:11):
with trans people. You need to like listen to like
what we call our bodies and then just say it back,
like don't make an assumption either ask or like wait
and then say it back.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
And I think I mean this will be different for
other people too, but for me personally, I prefer to
be treated literally like any other gay guy. Like one
time I hooked up with this older guy. We were
like making out and then he like took me by
the shoulders and like held me back and like looked
in my eyes and was like, I just want to
tell you you're safe with me. And I was like,
(28:43):
this is crazy, and you feel like also, nothing about
this is safe. You're like a strange man that I'm
meeting up with to like hook up on a bench
outside of the pool because you're too like nervous to
bring me inside your house. Like I have a splinter
in my ass. It's not safe. Like don't act like
you're being like mister good guy right now by like
having sex with me like charitably, because I was like,
you wouldn't do this to any other guy, Like be
(29:05):
like you're safe with me. I could be getting a
UTI right now, Like you don't know.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I feel like there was a point where like white
ally ship kind of jumped to the shark where like
people people took it beyond what communities of color were
asking and they were like I need to act like
an ally all the time.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
I'm wearing a safety pin on my jack right.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Just talk to people like their people, like everybody is different.
Just talk to people like their fucking people like it's crazy.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
I had one time where I was hooking up with
a guy and he was first of all, we were
already having sex, so it was a little late for this,
but he was being like you, what do you call
your whole? And I was like, you're literally in it,
so I don't know why you need to know. And
I literally was like pussy and he was like a
(29:53):
boy pussy And I was like, Okay, I'm seeing now
that you feel uncomfortable, right, I don't feel uncomfortable with myself.
You feel uncomfortable and you're showing me now.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
I feel like the first like ten to fifteen minutes
of sex, when you haven't hooked up with somebody before,
it's like what's their pace, what's their energy? What are
they saying? And it's like you can kind of figure
out the answers to these questions in the first ten
to fifteen minutes if you're communicating exactly. So it's it's
just wild to me that people will be like balls
deep and then be like, wait, we haven't talked.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
How do I respect you, it's too late. I'm degraded,
I'm debased. Let's not get into it.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
All right. Before we wrap things up, we do have
some rapid fire questions. If you're down, all right, these
are going to be invasive. You can pass or answer
to your level of comfort. Great, Well, we're gonna go
real quick, all right, you gonna kick us off. Yeah,
describe your Sniffy's profile big is.
Speaker 3 (30:46):
Full on dick pic, because I want people to know
immediately what they're getting into, so to speak.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Yeah, all right, what is the last message you received
on Sniffy's. You can paraphrase it or read it out
loud to us if you like.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Let's get my phone from off the floor. Yeah, it's
it's a dick pick and it's the kind of dick
pic I don't like, which is when the guy is
sitting on the toilet. Oh, I really hate that, Like,
why would you? It's not a good ms.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
It's giving I was taking a ship and yeah you should.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
See literally stand up like what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Okay? Now, describe the last person you fucked in three words.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
A golden retrieve for her husband's.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Where was the last place you hooked up with someone?
Speaker 3 (31:35):
It was in a shower in the Pines. Yeah, indoors
or outdoor indoors.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
The wow. I feel like indoor showers are rarer in
the Pines than the.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
It was a nice shower, Okay. Yeah. I feel like
everything in the Pines was designed for you to be
able to have sex in or on it.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Oh for sure.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Yeah. So you know, the showers always have like handrails
and stuff.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
It's very nice. Okay.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Now before we let you go, it's time to hear
a brand new cruising investment from one of our listeners.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
It's amazing.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Are you out for hearing one more sexy story?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (32:08):
The park was hot today.
Speaker 4 (32:13):
Okay, last weekend. It was Sunday. I was beyond thirsty,
and I had not gotten laid in like a month,
and I was sitting really down on myself. So I
went to the park.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
In my town, and there is this.
Speaker 4 (32:31):
Really cruisy outdoor trails area that a lot of days
go there to cruise because they have these really intricate
winding pathways that lead into these very secluded areas. Anyway,
I had never cruised there, I'd walked around. So I
went down there all in this particular day, and I
(32:52):
noticed that there was cloud cover coming in. It was
about to start raining. I heard thunder and at that
point I was ready to leave. Just as I was
about leave and heads back from my car, I run
into this hot daddy and we start chatting. I noticed
that he's like on his phone and I asked him.
I say, hey, so, how's the service out here?
Speaker 1 (33:14):
How's the Wi Fi? Are you? He's like, yeah, we're great,
and I.
Speaker 4 (33:20):
Was like wanting to connect it to my WiFi. So anyway,
he and I made our way down this hill into
this like very secluded area and yeah, I've never done
anything like this. Before the thunder starts crackling, I see lightning.
Before you know it, we start making out, like right
(33:42):
as the rain starts rushing down, and it's just like
really intense. It's like freaking Madonna erotica. Just why I
love shit, right, So we get to a more secluded
area and before you know it, the clothes are coming off.
We are blowing each other. We start beating off and
I tell him, oh fuck, I'm gonna come, and he
(34:03):
gets down his knees and swallows my load.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
For a second. He comes up for air just.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
So some of it get on his chest and then
he finishes swallowing the rest of my load. Yeah, that
was it.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
So this is how you know gay guys have no
sense of consequence because I heard that story and I
heard lightning strike.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Risk right, Yeah, I.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
Was like, you're under a tree during a storm, yea,
getting your dick sucked. You're going to be the one
who gets struck by lightning because the other guy's down here,
and then he's going to get electrocuted through the current
passing through your Penis's okay, that's what that means. You
think of should not be in a park during a thunderstort.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
But it was a hot story. Though it was.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
Really hot and like the rain thing is so like
romantic sy for sure.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
To me, the highlight was how's the connection out here?
Do you? That was crazy? I can't believe it worked.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
I mean, yeah, it's very simple. The words that are
said before a hookup are mostly accessories. You're right, And
I feel like a lot of gay hookups is about
sort of being like, I'm just gonna pretend I don't
hear that.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Yeah. Yeah, we use ball gags for a reason sometimes. Yeah,
if you want to hear your own cruising confession on
an upcoming episode of this podcast. I promise we will
not judge you or pick up lines too harshally. You
can call her Cruising Confessions hotline at three zero two
two one nine three eight nine eight. I'm going to
repeat it one more time three zero two two one
nine three eight nine. A well, James, we are actually
(35:36):
at the end of the episode now, but before we
let you go, I'm wondering what's coming up for you.
Where can folks find you online? And read your substock.
Speaker 3 (35:42):
You can find me just about everywhere online, including substack
at James tom XO. That's James t O m XO.
And if you connect with me on socials you'll be
able to see where I'm performing next.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is directed by Adam Barron, produced by
Amanda Helper and Cameron Femino, and executive produced by Eli Market.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Cruising Imfessions is presented by Snippy's, the ultimate map based
cruising platform.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
We're gay by a curious feedpol Ready to bruise.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Check out the map at snippies dot com and fall
snippees at snippis app.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Cruisers are a community. Do your part in keeping us safe.
Learn more about protecting your sexual health at healthy sexuals
dot com. Put job, put put job, put put your
puts up.
Hey, viewers. Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is an explicit podcast about
queer sex. Filter dirty words and unfiltered descriptions of sexual activities.
If hearing about orgies, anonymous sex, kink, fetish, and more
offends your sensibilities, you might want to skip this Viewer
discretion is advised. It's definitely not for kids. Put your
(00:20):
pussy up, put your put your pussy up, Put your
pussy up, Put, put your pussy up. Welcome to Sniffy's
Cruising Confessions. I'm gabelon Sadez and.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
I'm christtison Rosso. Each week we explore the sublime world
of queer sex, cruising, and relationships.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
We talk to queer folks of all kinds. We'll ask
some questions, swap sex stories, share intimate revelations, and provide
practical advice that you can use at home. Jo put
put yo pussy put Jo, put put your put put
your put up.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
So Gabe, So, Chris, what is the best piece of
advice you've been given about sex?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Uh? Spit is not. Lube is a pretty crucial one. Yes,
you learned that the hard way. And then I actually
the first piece of advice that I actually followed was
getting on PREP because it was late twenty twelve. I've
talked about this on podcasts before, but I had no
idea what PREP was. And I was working as a
cameraman for a porn studio and one of the models
told me he was married to an HIV positive man
(01:17):
and was like, you should try it, especially if you've
had connaist sex lately or you have an anxiety about
getting a CHIV. And I did, Yeah, that sounds like
really sound advice. How about you. Have you ever gotten
any any advice you've taken with you?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Yeah, never trust a fart.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
I hate you for bringing that back.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I hate for those of you who don't know who
may be joining us for the first time. On season one,
first episode had a plan in come dump. We had
our guest, Scott Carslake, and he said, after one of
his sessions, you never trust a fart.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
I've had people come up to me in person and say,
never trust a fart. But that was though a critical
piece of it. That was our very first episode was Yeah,
it was Yeah, that was actually really it was very good.
I think we all know that when we are starting
out our journeys as horny young queer's baby gays or
even demon twinks. It can be hard to figure out
(02:15):
how to navigate the world.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
But most of us into the queer world without any
kind of expert guidance.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Right, Sometimes you just wish someone would come along and
tell you what you're doing wrong and help you understand
how to make better decisions, or at least share their
own fuck ups so you don't repeat them.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Our guest today, comedian James Tom, is someone who is
in a very new place on his own journey, but.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
That is not stopping him from dishing out loads of
juicy advice on his substack Hello again, and sharing what
he's learned in very funny stand up comedy sets all
over the country.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
In today's episodes, we're going to weigh through all the messy,
hilarious moments he's had since transitioning from lesbian NB to
a trans gay guy.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Please welcome to Sniffy's Crusin Confessions, James Tom.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Yay hiye, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
I'm so excited, he resolutely yeah. I if you have
your really psyched. So you've been a comedian for quite
a while, but you're a few years into being a
gay guy.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
I'm sorry and welcome.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Yeah, it's been an interesting transition.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah, I can't imagine. And you talk about this a lot.
I saw you talk about it in your one man
show list Lonely, and you talk about it in your
stand up often. I'm wondering, what has it been like
going through this transition in real time while processing it
in front of audiences.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Oh my god. Well, I've been saying on stage that
I'm going through my early twenties twinkdum in my mid thirties.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, which is.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
A little crazy. It's like, on one hand, it's good
because my prefrontal cortex is fully formed.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yes, so you're making better rational thought.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
Better choices. But on the other hand, when I make
bad choices, I only have myself to play. Well, I
did just get into that man's car. But it's okay.
I'm here today, I'm alive.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
I will say that's not the most dangerous thing we've
heard on this.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Podcast here, but from where I came from, Yeah, you
really are not supposed to do things like that.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
I would love for you to sort of explain the
differences between your adolescens as like a lesbian and now
your adolescence is like a tea boy.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Oh my god, what does it look like? What are
the difference is? How are they the same?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
They're not the same. Okay, they're so different in a
way that like I literally don't think people realize unless
they've experienced both of them, which a lot of people have.
Like as a young lesbian, I feel like I was
so like heartbroken all the time, Okay, weeping, crying because
I watched a sad lesbian movie and I wanted the
(04:40):
women to end up together and they didn't, and I'm
like personally affronted by that. I was very romantic. Every
time I went out, I was like, oh my god, like,
is this the time then I'm going to meet the
woman who's the one? And now I don't give a
fuck about that at all. Yeah, And I'm sure some
of that is just being a teenager versus being like
in your mid thirties. But I don't have like a
(05:03):
strong romantic urge anymore. It's very easy for me to
have a lot of casual sex. I don't know, I
feel different, Like I felt I didn't feel like I
was hot until I started identifying as a gay guy.
Like I always felt like when I had to be
like Bush. I was always like, oh, well, I'm so small,
I'm like weak, I'm not very masculine, and I always
(05:24):
felt really insecure about that. And then when I kind
of came into the gay world, I was like, oh,
I'm just literally a twink. Like I'm just literally, like
exactly a twink. And suddenly everything makes a lot more sense.
I'm like, oh, that's why my lesbian celebrity crushes were
like Jane Fond and Professor McGonagall.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
OK.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Yeah, you're like, oh, I didn't want to have sex
with those ancient women. I just really love them the
way a gay guy loves women, and I've always loved women.
I still love women. I'm very sexist, which is hard
as a gay guy. I feel like I only like
five guys and they're all from Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
They're the only safe ones to like exactly. So in
terms of like kind of realizing these differences in perspective
as you're transitioning, are there like a series of like
aha moments where you're like, oh, it's this or are
do you find yourself sort of like working through ideas
and being like, Okay, it's this now, this is.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Where I'm at kind of the common narrative of transition
is like I feel like this inside and now I'm
going to do AB and C to like change my
outside to match my inside. But I feel like for me,
I had to do a bunch of outside stuff in
order to realize how I felt inside. Like I just
for anybody who doesn't know my gender lore, I was
(06:43):
like a non binary Dike style person for like seventeen years.
I went to women's college. I was really in the
lesbian world because that was all I knew and it
was what I was choosing over and over again. Sort
of at the end of my last relationship with a woman,
which was a non monogamous relationship, I started hooking up
with this a map non binary person, so like not
(07:05):
exactly a gay guy, but I was like, okay, like
this is fun, but like that person's kind of a
lesbian too, and so am I So like it's fine,
nothing has to change. And then when I broke up
with that woman, I started really like moving more into
the gay guye space. But it wasn't until I did
my first trip to Fire Island. Oh yeah, So I
(07:26):
went to Fire Island. I was non binary. I like
hadn't had top surgery, yet I was still going by
my old name. I was like, I have no idea
what this is going to be. Like Frankly, I've never
really been around like only gay guys. I've always had
gay friends, but I've never been in a place where
I was like the only one and everybody else was
a gay guy. And I actually was like, I wonder
if this is going to be really bad, and like
(07:47):
if I'm going to feel insecure or I'm going to
feel left out. And then what ended up happening was
because I went with a great group, everybody just like
treated me like I was one of them. And then
there was one day where we were hosting a pool
party at our house with the Fire Island cast, the
Fire Island the movie cast, because the movie had just
come out totally coincidentally at the same time, and there
(08:10):
was this tall blonde twink in a Versace Spiedo.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
It's always a tall blonde twink and a Versace.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Speedo, yes, exactly matching VERSACEI Spiedo and Versace sunglasses and
he kept like putting his arm around me. And I'm racist,
so I couldn't tell if he was a guy I
knew or not. And I kind of thought like, oh, yeah,
like this is this other blonde twink who I like
have met on this trip. He was and he was
(08:36):
a fully different guy. But I was like, yeah, like
let me put my arm around him too. And then
he was like come upstairs with me, and I was like,
come upstairs, like, this is my house that I'm staying at.
What are you talking about? He takes my hand, we
go upstairs. As we're going up the stairs, he goes
they're hooking up up there, and I was like, oh, okay. Sure.
He leads me like Alice through the looking glass into
(08:58):
the master suite of this house. This guy is on
the bed naked with a cochring on. I come in.
He like kind of starts and like covers himself and
I was like, oh god, like I've ruined everything. This
is not like he was not expecting to see me.
He doesn't want to see me here. And then this
guy was like, oh, like this is what we're doing
in here? And I was like no, I know, and
he was like are you okay with that? And I
(09:20):
was like, yeah, I'm okay with it if you're okay
with it. And he's sort of just laid back and
the versace Twink went onto the bed and started making
out with him, And in that moment, I was like, okay,
I have human agency here. No one is going to
say come up here right now, Like I have to
choose either I get onto this bed yeah, or I
(09:41):
leave yeah. And I got onto the bed and had
like weird rotating group sex with a bunch of people
who were in this room, and I was like, oh,
this is so it was so like natural for me. Again,
I was a lesbian style person for seventeen years. I
never had a threesome. I never had group sex. I
(10:02):
was offered a couple of times, and I always sort
of was like, oh, that sounds complicated. Oh it sounds
kind of emotionally hard, Like I don't know if.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I can do all that, and you're like, I love complicated. No.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
And then in this moment it was so easy for
me that I was like, uh oh, like maybe this
was always true and maybe that's why it felt difficult
for me before, and this actually feels so easy. And
then after that I sort of like, Okay, I kind
of think that's that. I mean, it took me a
while after that, but I was like, Okay, I have
to change my name. I have to like get top surgery.
Not I have to, but like it set me on
(10:37):
the course to like realizing that that was the kind
of stuff I wanted when I had just never kind
of let myself go there before.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Really, it just takes a little a light threesome and
then you can figure.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
Out just a little threesome.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
It like it was a larger group.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
It was kind of three at a time, but people
would like trade in them out, you know, people would
tag out. They'd be like, all right, I'm done, and
you yeah, because you're not a quitter, No, I have stamina. Well, also,
as a as a former lesbian, lesbian sex famously takes
at least four hours, four hours with a buffer hour
to cry afterwards about like what you've discovered about each
(11:14):
other gay guy sex. You're actually kind of trying as
hard as you can not to discover anything.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Bless you find out something like that.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Your life still lower. Exactly.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
No, don't tell me your name.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Yeah, of course. And I do love that you shared
this story because I think your latest substack that I
read was sort of about these kind of like walls
that you you had separated and erected between your communities. Sorry,
I didn't I didn't think about that word.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Listen. Everything is always separating and erecting in my life.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
But but you were talking about how like you were, like, Okay,
among my gay friends, I feel like the slutty gay twink.
And then I go over to hang out with my
trans friends in Cherry Grove and I'm the mayor, I'm
the elder.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
I have to like button up a little great.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
So, like what was keeping those walls up for you
and sort of what helped you collapse them?
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I mean, I think I'm still learning how to collapse
them and how to consolidate all of these different things.
I was talking specifically in this substack about parties like
Doll Invasion and like Tea for T Takeover on Fire Island,
and those parties are born out of trans people being
excluded from those spaces. So the result is that those
(12:28):
parties become almost like a separatist movement where it's like, okay,
like you know, we haven't been allowed here before, so
now here we are all together and we're going to
like take up space together. But at the end of
the day, a lot of like trans cultures and gay
cultures are pretty different. I mean Doll Invasion in particular,
they released a whole statement about like this party is
(12:49):
for everyone, but like they did that because people naturally separate.
It's like a big project for like the whole LGBTQ
community to kind of learn how to communicate with each
other and how to like share the same spaces in
both directions. But obviously the gay guys with money should
be the ones who should probably open some.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Doors, put the burden on them for most things.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
But I feel like there's like a lot of cultural
separation between us. So like I'm in this moment right
now where I'm trying to learn like how to navigate
those spaces and how I can feel like I can
just be myself without having to like become some different
persona depending on who I'm around.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yeah, Like I'd love to hear more about like the
code switching, right, because there are like in gay guy culture,
there are so many different cliques. Do you have the
same thing in tboy culture?
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Well, there's just totally different lenses on just gender and
race alone, just the two small subjects. I don't know
if either of you has ever considered gender and race.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Yeah, yeah, but gay guys in particular have an extremely
clear race and desire hierarchy that I'm sure you guys
have talked about a billion times. That's like white masculine
guys on top, and then everybody else sort of as
a foil off of whatever that is. I will say
lesbians don't do that as clearly as gay guys do,
(14:15):
and trans people also try not to do that as clearly. Obviously,
white supremacy is real and that's pervasive among everybody, but
it's so obvious with gay guys and it's like a pyramid.
So like among trans people and among like Dike culture people,
I'm considered very masculine and I have always felt like
(14:37):
I've had to live up to that and almost like
butchop to be around those people, whereas in gay guye
culture it sounds a little counterintuitive, but I almost think
this is literally just because I'm trans, I was like, oh,
I can be feminine here. This is a thing that exists.
There's like a twink is real. It is expected that
(14:58):
I might be kind of a fem it, that I
might be small, that I might be smooth, which like
that's not my choice that's just like my natural body.
But I found kind of a niche there. And something
that I'm really interested in is I know from having
conversations with others CIS gay men, that sometimes Asian men
are de sexualized in gay spaces. I've had sometimes that
(15:23):
the like assumption put on me that I must also
like have that experience, and I actually don't think I
do in a weird way, and I think it's because
I'm trans. I kind of like am just outside of
that conversation and a lot of the things that like
stereotypically gay guys de sexualize about Asian men, like quote
(15:45):
unquote like having a small deck, or like being like
smooth and hairless, or being like e femineate, which are
all stereotypes obviously, like they kind of don't apply to
me because I'm just like different from that. It's sort
of like, well, yeah, of course I'm sort of a
I'm small, I'm smooth, I have a small dick quote
unquote compared to you, I guess compared to others not
so much. But anyway, yeah, I almost feel like I
(16:11):
come from more of a legacy of like being like
a hyper sexualized Asian woman that I still think carries
over into my gay guy life. Weirdly, everybody's kind of
always wanted to have sex with me, and it just
has kind of changed, like where I'm standing and who's
around me at any given time.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Please welcome to the pod The Fable, James Tom.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
You don't have to say that everybody knows. Something that
I think is really interesting is rice queens are into me. Like.
It's very common, especially if I'm somewhere like San Francisco,
to like have some white guy hit me up and
I look at his stuff and he's like totally married
(16:57):
to a little Asian twink and then a fucked up.
It can be affirming sometimes because I'm like, you're red,
I am exactly like. Something I'm curious about you guys,
is I watched your episode with Santos. Oh, yes, the
last time you had a trans guy on here, and
you were saying at the top of the episode that
(17:19):
you've hooked up with trans guys but you haven't, and
I am curious to know if that has changed.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
It seemed dramatically Okay, okay, she's chasing, but no, no, no, no, no,
I'm kidding.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
That's so funny because that is literally what stopped them
for I don't want to feel I'm fetishizing as people
want to get fucked.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
They definitely do. Sure, we're also really easy, But I
was curious, Chris, since you're a non binary, do you
think that that made you feel more cautious?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I mean, and also like being black and totally like
those sexual experiences of being fetishized, Like I am hyper
conscious of it because I do not want to inflict
that same sort of that pain on someone else, because like,
it's not great, especially when you're just runn to get laid.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
When we come back after this brief break, we're gonna
get more advice from the one and only James Tom
don't go anywhere all right now. In this act, we're
going to put Dreams' skills as an unlicensed advice columnist
to the test.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So I'm gonna ask who in the queer community do
you think is most in need of advice and what
would that advice be.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
I get a lot of advice questions from other trans
guys asking me how do you navigate the CIS gay world.
I almost never get questions from gay guys that are
like how do you like respectfully hook up with trans
man or with FTMS? Which I think is interesting that
there's one demographic of people that cares a lot about
(18:56):
doing something right and one demographic of people that seem
not to care at all. I feel like gay guys
should be asking me questions.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
What are the questions you think they should be asking?
Speaker 3 (19:06):
The thing that comes to mind is the least sexy
question I can think of, but it's what they should
be thinking about, which is like, how do I interact
with a pussy in like a healthy way? And I
don't even mean like mentally and emotionally healthy, I mean
like literal, like hard tech, you know, germs and safety.
(19:27):
Literally that literally like you know what I literally never
thought about as a lesbian. I never thought I hope
this girl washed her hands. But with every single man
I encounter, I'm like, wait, wait, like I almost I
need to get better at this because I need to
get better at asserting my needs. But I almost want
to ask guys to wash their hands as soon as
they come into my house, just because I don't know
(19:47):
where they've been.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
If I can share this story, please, okay? So I
love this we wered he from Tessa's birthday and we
hooked up afterwards.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
We did, and I.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Remember we got into your partment. You were like, please
wash your hands.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Oh I did say it because I know you totally.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yeah, no, you know where these hands are been. You
go to the bathroom and I washed my hands in
the kitchen, and then we kind of like started making out,
and then there was a moment where you stopped me
were like, please wash your hands, and I was like,
I wasn't gonna be like I already did you know
what I mean. I'm like, I'm in your house. I
was like, oh, yes, I should do this again.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Like, well, you didn't have to wash your hands twice.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
No, but it's really funny.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
I was really nice of you.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Though, no I would obviously, I don't need to be
told something twice. I'll do it. But you're not the
first transuit I've hooked up with. It's like, hey, can
you just wash your hands? And I'm like, I know,
gay men are disgusting. I'm really sorry. I'm happy to
do it.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
That night, it was because I knew we had all
been out at the bar.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Oh yeah, touching.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
I actually did know exactly where you had been, and
it was at karaoke, which is like the least hand
sanitizing activity. But I realized and because I had a
kind of opposite experience where I had to learn a
bunch of stuff about like contraceptives and STIs because as
like a lesbian quote unquote, I kind of tuned out
(20:55):
all of those lessons because I was like, Oh, I'm
not gonna get pregnant, Like I'm not going to do
any of the stuff. I don't have to worry. I
started hooking up with gay man, I was like, Oh,
this is actually really real, And likewise, it's kind of
the same for gay guys, where like a lot of
the time they don't know, like guys don't know that
I can get pregnant and they think that I can't
because of like testosterone, which is not true, or like
(21:17):
they don't know, you know, you can't put something in
a vagina that you just put in a bot, correct,
But they don't know that because they've just like never
thought about that before. And so that changes, you know,
a like orgy situation where you have to all of
a sudden be like, hey, like where has that been
before it goes into me? Because they don't know, So
(21:37):
I think that gay guys could do to learn some
stuff like that first and then kind of the etiquette. Yeah,
of course the etiquette stuff comes sort of after.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Maybe this is a public call for more gay guy to.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
Wash their hands.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Yeah. I was gonna say to submit questions your substack,
but it has been answered, and the question is wash your.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Well, you should be washing your hands with each other too.
It's not just for trans guys or trans people. You
actually should do that in general.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
They're like dox exists, but like a lot.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Of things like doxy you know, have never been tested
on quote unquote women, so like because the medical industry
shuts out literally half the world and then obviously to
say nothing of the nuances of like trans people's identities.
But it means that like people like me, we don't
actually know how those medications work. Like I'm on doxy too,
(22:33):
but it's kind of just in good faith, like it's
almost just to make myself feel better because literally the
doctor was like, well, I think this is not going
to be as effective for you, but if you want
to do it, you can.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
And what was it like with prep because I know
that we didn't get studies, including a fab people regarding
PREP until after it is tested on sis men.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
And there's only certain versions of PREP that I can take.
Some of them don't work, or not that they don't work,
but they just have literally not been tested on half
the people in the world.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah, because like why not, well we know why not
we should name it.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
It's because nobody cares about women. Do you care about women,
gay guys, women who aren't Celine Dion, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
I was gonna say women who don't have like multi platinum.
What do you think new or younger trans guys should
know about hookay with gay men? And what advice would
you give to the gay men that aren't asking for
it but need it about hooking up for transmen?
Speaker 3 (23:32):
For trans guys who want to hook up with gay guys,
you have to know that consent what works really differently
in the sexual community, and you just have to be
prepared for that, Like somebody is going to do something
that you're not that into, and you have to be
ready to say, like, actually I'm not into that, and
then they'll stop. Hopefully. You have to have really good
street smarts and awareness. I use apps mostly. We didn't
(23:54):
really talk about this, but I don't actually really cruise
irl yet because I have a deep fear of rejection
and so I'm like not really ready to like put
my my body on the line in that way. Whereas
on the apps, particularly being trans, you know, I can
tell you like this is the deal, and then you
already know before we meet up. But so on apps,
(24:17):
you have to be able to tell when somebody is weird.
You have to be able to weed out like who's
an okay person to meet up with in real life
and who is weird and who you can't really trust.
For me, this is like hyperbolic, and it's like kind
of feeding into like a like lesbian fear of men.
But you kind of have to treat everybody like they
could kill you, because they could make sure that you
(24:40):
only meet up with people who you're like ninety percent
sure what they're going to be. Like, Yeah, you have
to learn how to assert yourself. You can find the
freedom in asserting yourself and you can be as clear
as like I'm into this, this and this, I'm not
into this, this and this, and everybody will just take
it as a fact, and you should feel entitled to
do that. I think Santo said something about entitlement sexual
entitlement as well. This is rude, but it's like they
(25:01):
don't care about you, so you don't have to care
about them either, accurate, Like it's not like, you know,
when you have sex with a woman or really any
marginalized person, including men.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
You're like, I know, I hear the comments.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
All right, you have to see their humanity, you have
to care about them. You have to be like and
this includes trans people of all kinds, includes a menunt
of color, et cetera, et cetera. Like you have to
be like, this is like a real person, but in
the gay guy world, you have to understand that person
is not always thinking that you're a real person. Like
(25:35):
a lot of their time, they're they're just trying to
get their rocks off. So you can feel free to like,
you know, not to dehumanize anyone, but to be like, look,
this is what we're here to do. It can feel
kind of transactional, but that's okay. That's what it is
for gay guys who want to hook up with trans guys.
(25:55):
And number one, wash your hands. Every trans person and
every trans guy is going to be different. People are
going to feel differently about all kinds of things. They're
going to feel differently about the things they want to
do and the things they're not okay with. They're going
to feel differently about the things they call the parts
of their body. Like I say pussy all the time,
and I actually didn't start saying pussy until I started
(26:15):
being a gay guy. I like actually never even considered
that before as a lesbian. As a gay guy, I
was like, oh, now I have a pussy, like exactly exactly,
and interrogate that. But no, it's okay, you don't have
to you want have to be into that. Gay guys
(26:36):
think of pussy as an ass when they should be
thinking of it as a dick and an ass and
an ass in the womb. We all start out the same.
All of our junk is the same stuff, and then
it kind of formulates one way or the other, but
it's all the same stuff in a different configuration. So
it's kind of like, what feels too good to you
will probably feel good to me on a different scale.
(26:57):
You should know that the it, which I say specifically
to be like anatomically clear here, it's got like like
thousands more nerve endings or something than like a penis.
So you should know, like we're way more sensitive than
you and like you gotta chill out if you don't
(27:18):
like teeth. I don't like teeth, so I don't know what.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
That couldn't imagine my teeth.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
They should know. The vachina is not like the ass
It doesn't have to be as prepared. I mean not
that you shouldn't prep but like bottoming anally is is
a whole project. Yeah, like you have to plan ahead
of time. Yeah, exactly. For vagina is not really like that,
so you don't really have to be as like oh no.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Like a there was a guy who was looking up
with who called it pussy privilege.
Speaker 3 (27:48):
No, it is. It is friendical privileges. I can eat
a cheeseburger and then go bottom afterwards, like that's nothing
to me, and I have a poor gastro intestinal system. Yeah,
you just have to You have to be willing to
ask questions and also try to mirror people's language. Especially
(28:11):
with trans people. You need to like listen to like
what we call our bodies and then just say it back,
like don't make an assumption either ask or like wait
and then say it back.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
And I think I mean this will be different for
other people too, but for me personally, I prefer to
be treated literally like any other gay guy. Like one
time I hooked up with this older guy. We were
like making out and then he like took me by
the shoulders and like held me back and like looked
in my eyes and was like, I just want to
tell you you're safe with me. And I was like,
(28:43):
this is crazy, and you feel like also, nothing about
this is safe. You're like a strange man that I'm
meeting up with to like hook up on a bench
outside of the pool because you're too like nervous to
bring me inside your house. Like I have a splinter
in my ass. It's not safe. Like don't act like
you're being like mister good guy right now by like
having sex with me like charitably, because I was like,
you wouldn't do this to any other guy, Like be
(29:05):
like you're safe with me. I could be getting a
UTI right now, Like you don't know.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I feel like there was a point where like white
ally ship kind of jumped to the shark where like
people people took it beyond what communities of color were
asking and they were like I need to act like
an ally all the time.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
I'm wearing a safety pin on my jack right.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Just talk to people like their people, like everybody is different.
Just talk to people like their fucking people like it's crazy.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
I had one time where I was hooking up with
a guy and he was first of all, we were
already having sex, so it was a little late for this,
but he was being like you, what do you call
your whole? And I was like, you're literally in it,
so I don't know why you need to know. And
I literally was like pussy and he was like a
(29:53):
boy pussy And I was like, Okay, I'm seeing now
that you feel uncomfortable, right, I don't feel uncomfortable with myself.
You feel uncomfortable and you're showing me now.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
I feel like the first like ten to fifteen minutes
of sex, when you haven't hooked up with somebody before,
it's like what's their pace, what's their energy? What are
they saying? And it's like you can kind of figure
out the answers to these questions in the first ten
to fifteen minutes if you're communicating exactly. So it's it's
just wild to me that people will be like balls
deep and then be like, wait, we haven't talked.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
How do I respect you, it's too late. I'm degraded,
I'm debased. Let's not get into it.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
All right. Before we wrap things up, we do have
some rapid fire questions. If you're down, all right, these
are going to be invasive. You can pass or answer
to your level of comfort. Great, Well, we're gonna go
real quick, all right, you gonna kick us off. Yeah,
describe your Sniffy's profile big is.
Speaker 3 (30:46):
Full on dick pic, because I want people to know
immediately what they're getting into, so to speak.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Yeah, all right, what is the last message you received
on Sniffy's. You can paraphrase it or read it out
loud to us if you like.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Let's get my phone from off the floor. Yeah, it's
it's a dick pick and it's the kind of dick
pic I don't like, which is when the guy is
sitting on the toilet. Oh, I really hate that, Like,
why would you? It's not a good ms.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
It's giving I was taking a ship and yeah you should.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
See literally stand up like what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Okay? Now, describe the last person you fucked in three words.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
A golden retrieve for her husband's.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Where was the last place you hooked up with someone?
Speaker 3 (31:35):
It was in a shower in the Pines. Yeah, indoors
or outdoor indoors.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
The wow. I feel like indoor showers are rarer in
the Pines than the.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
It was a nice shower, Okay. Yeah. I feel like
everything in the Pines was designed for you to be
able to have sex in or on it.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Oh for sure.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Yeah. So you know, the showers always have like handrails
and stuff.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
It's very nice. Okay.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Now before we let you go, it's time to hear
a brand new cruising investment from one of our listeners.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
It's amazing.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Are you out for hearing one more sexy story?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (32:08):
The park was hot today.
Speaker 4 (32:13):
Okay, last weekend. It was Sunday. I was beyond thirsty,
and I had not gotten laid in like a month,
and I was sitting really down on myself. So I
went to the park.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
In my town, and there is this.
Speaker 4 (32:31):
Really cruisy outdoor trails area that a lot of days
go there to cruise because they have these really intricate
winding pathways that lead into these very secluded areas. Anyway,
I had never cruised there, I'd walked around. So I
went down there all in this particular day, and I
(32:52):
noticed that there was cloud cover coming in. It was
about to start raining. I heard thunder and at that
point I was ready to leave. Just as I was
about leave and heads back from my car, I run
into this hot daddy and we start chatting. I noticed
that he's like on his phone and I asked him.
I say, hey, so, how's the service out here?
Speaker 1 (33:14):
How's the Wi Fi? Are you? He's like, yeah, we're great,
and I.
Speaker 4 (33:20):
Was like wanting to connect it to my WiFi. So anyway,
he and I made our way down this hill into
this like very secluded area and yeah, I've never done
anything like this. Before the thunder starts crackling, I see lightning.
Before you know it, we start making out, like right
(33:42):
as the rain starts rushing down, and it's just like
really intense. It's like freaking Madonna erotica. Just why I
love shit, right, So we get to a more secluded
area and before you know it, the clothes are coming off.
We are blowing each other. We start beating off and
I tell him, oh fuck, I'm gonna come, and he
(34:03):
gets down his knees and swallows my load.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
For a second. He comes up for air just.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
So some of it get on his chest and then
he finishes swallowing the rest of my load. Yeah, that
was it.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
So this is how you know gay guys have no
sense of consequence because I heard that story and I
heard lightning strike.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Risk right, Yeah, I.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
Was like, you're under a tree during a storm, yea,
getting your dick sucked. You're going to be the one
who gets struck by lightning because the other guy's down here,
and then he's going to get electrocuted through the current
passing through your Penis's okay, that's what that means. You
think of should not be in a park during a thunderstort.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
But it was a hot story. Though it was.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
Really hot and like the rain thing is so like
romantic sy for sure.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
To me, the highlight was how's the connection out here?
Do you? That was crazy? I can't believe it worked.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
I mean, yeah, it's very simple. The words that are
said before a hookup are mostly accessories. You're right, And
I feel like a lot of gay hookups is about
sort of being like, I'm just gonna pretend I don't
hear that.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Yeah. Yeah, we use ball gags for a reason sometimes. Yeah,
if you want to hear your own cruising confession on
an upcoming episode of this podcast. I promise we will
not judge you or pick up lines too harshally. You
can call her Cruising Confessions hotline at three zero two
two one nine three eight nine eight. I'm going to
repeat it one more time three zero two two one
nine three eight nine. A well, James, we are actually
(35:36):
at the end of the episode now, but before we
let you go, I'm wondering what's coming up for you.
Where can folks find you online? And read your substock.
Speaker 3 (35:42):
You can find me just about everywhere online, including substack
at James tom XO. That's James t O m XO.
And if you connect with me on socials you'll be
able to see where I'm performing next.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is directed by Adam Barron, produced by
Amanda Helper and Cameron Femino, and executive produced by Eli Market.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Cruising Imfessions is presented by Snippy's, the ultimate map based
cruising platform.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
We're gay by a curious feedpol Ready to bruise.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Check out the map at snippies dot com and fall
snippees at snippis app.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Cruisers are a community. Do your part in keeping us safe.
Learn more about protecting your sexual health at healthy sexuals
dot com. Put job, put put job, put put your
puts up.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com