August 1, 2024 • 47 mins
This week, Amber and Lacey catch up from two separate cities, go through Lacey's DMs, sister court, and more!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
We got a show that's like no other. Did I
mention that I am the favorite of our mother? It's
them LESTI listen it Amber Shoe. That is why. That's
why not the favorite and everybody knows that. Hey, I
could be the favorite if I just applied myself and
(00:23):
stopped biting others.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, well, I don't think that's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
It won't because I'm committed to biting. Okay, guys, I
love it. I love biding my family members.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
You do, you're very bidy.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I'm a bidy type of kid. Was I a bidy kid?
That's absolutely not. Oh you're a sweet little baby. It's
almost the sweet as me. No, you were biting No
one really now. Angela, on the other hand, biting toilet tissue.
She used to take bites out of the toilet tissue roll.
Don't ask why, but she was doing it. Whoa, Yeah, just.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Drunk. I think she was just biding into it and
spitting it out. I don't know those two stupid things.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yeah, I used to eat chuck. Why because it feels
great when you crunch it. Oh, absolutely not. That sounds
terrible again. I was born a sixty two year old
woman I was doing taxes at that age. I didn't care.
I wasn't doing children. Silly little miss. It's so crunchy
in the weirdest way. Lacy, you gotta try it.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
I've never wanted to try.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Got to try it. Trying to try it? No, I
don't want to. How is your week? What's what's happening
in your world? Thank you for asking. So many things
are happening. Okay, no one cares. I'm travel Tomah. That
was true. So Amber and I are far apart, but
(01:46):
I'm living my best life already. Been to Jazz on
the Green. You did out set out in that hot,
hot sun. It's great. Yeah, I love going to jazz
on the green. Jazz on the green is when you
put on a linen suit and you go and you
sit in a lawn chair in the grass in the
(02:08):
park in downtown Omaha. It's my favorite. So good SRT
was playing. That is my friend Mitch Town's jazzy jazz band,
and it was great. He was amazing, So shout out
to Mitch. You guys did a wonderful job. Sat had
my moscato, my daughter had a margarita. My child has
(02:30):
grown one day. Listeners one day you will also be
an old black lady. So right now, Jazz on the
Green might not sound like the best thing on earth
to you, but there will come a time when the
tides will change. I remember we would drive by Jazz
on the Green and I would be like, look at
those old fuckers, look at those fools. And now it's me.
(02:53):
Now I can't are too out there just sweating drinking wine.
But I don't even drink wine. But once you start
hearing jazz, it does make you like jazz have this way.
It was wonderful. It's wonderful. I'm going next week I
live my best life. Lacy, you're doing a good job. Okay,
(03:14):
thank you. Now let's get on to the real news.
What is it? Everyone has been talking about Divorce in
the Black? What Divorce in the Black is the new
Tyler Perry movie. And the first scene is crazy and
people record themselves watching the scene, and there are a
million reenactments. If you google divorce in Black reenactment you
(03:37):
will crack up. People are getting very creative and it's wonderful.
And I've been laughing this whole week. What don't say it?
I want to watch it? Listen you're not gonna watch this.
You're gonna watch the first scene. You'll watch the first scene,
but you won't make it past the FI. I want
to record you over that watching it. I'm sorry, record yourself.
Just tell me what happens. Okay. So the first scene
(03:58):
is a funeral. The pastor is I rate and he
is berating the family. He's like, your son was a
terrible human being, and that's why he's going to hell
from the market. Yeah, like you're a bad mom, your
bad brother's family's terrible. The mother stands up, rips off
(04:19):
her dress. I don't need charity from this church. I
don't need this funeral. Take your dress back, throws the
dress down. You know, she's got her old she's grandma.
She's got her old grandma. Girl on runs up to
the casket and says, come on, boys, take our son back.
So they go up and grab the casket and she goes, no,
not the casket, take the body, and they reach it.
(04:39):
They grabbed the body and they running out at the
church with the body.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Listen, guys, this has never happened. It's terrible.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
But the reenactments you've seen everything from a little Barbie
Doll when they look the body up and somebody's skinny
little child. I really do want to do a reenact
I want to do a reenactment with like a puppy
or something.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
But it's good.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
The re enactments are worth the whole thing. So I
had to watch the first scene and then watched everybody.
Oh it was so one man did it all on
his own. He did every character and then he used
the doll at the very end to lift the body
out and walk out with it. I love it. I
like that.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So guys, watch the first five minutes. Everything else is
on you.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
You watched that home with that's on you call me
call Amber, but don't call me Amber's numbers five five five, No,
my real Lamber.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yeah. Oh gosh, no, I did not tell you to
watch this whole thing, just that first scene.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Oh ye yeah, Okay, so everyone needs to know this.
We have a house that has a lot of windows. Okay.
As a result, birds fly in the windows. They think
they can fly through when they hit the windows. So
we got a plastic owl and the owl has stopped
(05:52):
birds from flying into the window. The Lacey what did
I see today? And nowel flew up to the window
to land on it and like hit the window because
he wanted to be near the plastic owl. Oh no,
they discuss the owls getting rid of birds, but no
(06:16):
one told us this owl was sexy as hell that
would attract other owls. Sexy ass, sexy ow. Sexy. Yeah
that's big, girl. I think you're cute. Come over here,
(06:37):
sexy owl. Sexy ass owl. And then if you look
at the owl, he is a little sexy. He's cute.
I saw that, you know, I didn't know it it
would attract another owl, but I could see he lonely
out there, Lacy. It was the biggest his dms a
owl I've ever seen. They're huge. Thing was the biggest
(06:57):
life and he just tried to wear no no way,
just trying to land their act and all cool. Then
he embarrassed himself, yeah, because.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
He was like, hey girl, why ain't you saying nothing?
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Oh? She was like and then he was like cook
clonk clungk clunk law dang. So I mean that is
a way of them never coming back. It is. So
you know what, I started this saying it attracts owls,
and I'm gonna end up saying you know what it
did its job because he's too embarrassed to come back
here ever again, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ever ever, He's.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Not coming back.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Guys, you should know that you can right into the
Amber and Lacey Lacy and Amber Show at amberand Lacy
Advice at gmail dot com, a email address that I
pull out of the depths of my memory every time
we record an episode.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
You are so good at remembering that.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Yeah, I'm pretty smart except for most things. But remembering
that one thing, Oh baby, I can't be beat. But
right in, you know, because we want to know what
your business is, okay, and you know what our business
is making that money.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
So we're gonna take a commercial realm.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
And will be right back, okay, and we're gonna slide
into Lacy's DMS when we return. All right, we are
see you in a minute. Who do Hey, everybody, Welcome
(08:39):
back to the Amber and Lacey Lacy and Amber Show.
I'm somehow both Amber and Lacey. You are not You
don't know what I am. Okay, you don't know. Okay,
Right now, we are going to slide into Lacey's DMS
as we encourage you to slide out of Lacey's DMS please,
(09:01):
and I can't stress this enough. If you're not normal,
you gotta leave this lady alone, okay, because you're too
weird and too loose with it. Okay. Yeah, it's getting bad, people,
It's getting pretty bad. Now. Is it hilarious as well? Yes?
It is, it is. We can't act like that. It's hilarious. Man.
(09:21):
I have to pre slide out of lazy DM stories,
but they have to be told, and they're all related,
I guess. So my first one is, hey, you're adopted. Oh,
someone posted and this is Omaha, Nebraska. I was on
my little Facebook thing in Omaha, a whole human being
(09:42):
recorded a man cheating on his wife at the table
right next to it, and they recorded it and it said,
whose husband is this? They are dragging you. I can
hear everything they're saying. And she got a picture of
the man, a clear clear it's Larry. Okay, now, guys,
(10:03):
I'm making that up. I don't know his name, but
if it's it's Larry, if they know who it is
is him, they have a clear picture of him. And
it says, if this is your husband and you are
on vacation in California, and I made up the state
just in case I don't want to embarrass a lady said.
The state the lady was in on vacation, named her children,
(10:23):
Oh my god, and said, this mistress is meeting your
children this week while you're out of town. Come get
your man. And I thought you would want to know.
She was like, I don't. I'm embarrassed out you like this,
but I don't know who you are. You'll know, And
the lady responded, oh my god, what is she saying.
The lady was like, thank you. I needed to know this.
(10:46):
I had no idea on my way back. No, guys, sisterhood,
we're saving lives. We're saving lives. This woman on vacation
and I know this by a million people out there.
Made me thinking I wouldn't have done that. If y'all
see my man, I know that's right. Everybody has. You
have permission to throw a glass of wine in his space.
That's right to go. Go. I mean, don't physically hurt it,
(11:08):
but you go, let the air out of his tires.
Do whatever you have to, but send me the video.
I don't they're talking about what a fool I am,
but she about to meet my children. Go aeat please,
this is a community. Yeah, it's pretty nice. How do
you feel about this? Do you feel okay? I like it? Okay,
(11:29):
I like getting together as a community. I like dragging people. Yes,
but also dang, he probably thought he was also like,
she should have asked that lady to take it down
and then she should have called a divorce lawyer privately
DM that woman got the video and the post by
the time she saw it. Guess how many views about
(11:52):
thirteen hundred? God bless it. Yeah, it's bad. So someone
probably was like, hey, I saw this. Someone someone had
to have seen it had been like Tina Larry Wait
was this in Omaha?
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Omaha?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
God damn? So you know everybody knows is like thirteen
hundred people in Omaha to begin with, how are you
dumb enough to cheat on your wife and some Omaha
Nebraska in public, broad daylight. You better get some takeaway
like a normal person, just in the middle of the day,
loud and proud. You better go to Motel six. You
(12:26):
better go to the Queen end y'all, we got one.
We do. You're out here sitting at Jazz on the
Green so that everything. Was it a Jazz on the Green? No,
but it might as what restaurant. Was it. I couldn't
tell the I mean, I didn't say, but it looked
exactly like Charleston's that's restaurant because it's a little dark
(12:50):
in there. It's dark. It's dark, cheating restaurant. Thought she
wasn't gonna get seen. Sir, you're on TV show. They
made a whole TV show about you that's terrible named children. Wow, Like,
I feel like you didn't need to do that. You
could have just shown his face. We all know who
he is. Your your wife's gonna know who you are.
You could show a nose, you could show a shoulder,
(13:11):
and she's gonna be like, that's my husband. I just yeah,
but I want to make sure that I'm sure that
I'm sure that this lady sees it okay, and that
she knows that that was the plan, because she is true.
That is true. You're absolutely right. I mean, she had
a lot of detail. She had a lot of detail,
and you're right, Yeah, you're right. You're right. Anyway, So
(13:32):
my next one is I went out a couple of
days ago and a whole man I was waiting. I
wasn't going to tell you because I needed to see
your face. It was with my friend Tracy. Hello, Tracy.
We just having a little drink and a man came
up to me. No, and I had my rainbow earrings on. No,
(13:54):
and he said, no, why you got them rainbow earrings on? Oh?
Speaker 2 (13:58):
And I just looked like and he said.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Why do you have the second time, why do you
have those rainbow earrings on?
Speaker 2 (14:05):
And I looked at him again.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
I went, Sirie, call parole officer, and I went, yeah,
I ain't even been out ten hours.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I don't think I'm gonna make it. And then I
just looked at him and he walked away. Now I
should have been recording that, well, we're not gonna do America,
all of America. But you're not gonna do is play
in my face. You're not gonna come. I don't know
you do not do not. So then I had to
(14:37):
act like poor Tracy. Then I had to Tracy was
my woman. You I don't care who you think that
this is not what we're gonna do. You're not gonna
tell me, but I can't wear rainbow earrings. And yes,
we all know you're homophobic, and that's what you thought
it was, sir. Now we get married, right, here. I'm
calling the I'm all the preacher, and we having a
whole lesbian wedding in this restaurant. Because you act in
a fool You think you're gonna scare me, try to
(14:57):
intimidate me. Get out of here. Now. See I've been
comfortable in New York. I forgot where I was. I
was in Omaha, Nebraska, and you thought, what did you
think I was gonna say? Oh God, don't let me
take these off, don't full please? People are crazy.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
I have to calm down, to calm down.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Sorry, because you're so small, Lacey. Guys, it makes people
really brave. But I can tell you that people have
it backwards because no one comes up to me talking crazy.
No never why Lacy will fight you. I probably not
probably gonna laugh. I'm probably gonna think it's cute. Oh
(15:32):
my gosh, Lacey, speaking of cute, we.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Didn't even go into the dms, but go on, Oh.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Wait, no, okay, well, speaking of cute, Okay, I met
a cute guy and I'm gonna ask him if he's single. Amber.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
You're cute and my cute are two different things.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
That's very You're cute is Tippy Turtle from seven out life.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Remember Tippy turtle.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
And I mean no offense of any human turtles out there,
but I don't want it to remember, hey turtle, Why
what am I going? No one knows.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Make it drunk.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Look it up, people look up Tippy turtle. And that's
what Amber thinks. It's cute. I don't think that's cute.
I told you huscular? Is he huscular? What do you
look like? He's extremely cute? What does he look like?
I wanted like you say, who does he look like?
He looks like there is a person who looks his
(16:31):
He's like if a Bargo ba ba Milla was the
size of Tate Diggs and that's accurate. Okay, so he's
not huscular, but he's like cut for sure. And he's
and you're not gonna like this the messuse, absolutely not.
But he's not a messuse. He's a physical therapist. Lacy, oh,
a physical therapist. I'm okay with I thought you meant
(16:52):
like a massage therapist. He's a massage therapist. No, absolutely not.
And I'm sorry massage therapists out there, y'all know I'm not.
I'm not having a man that rubs on women all day.
I don't want to do that. I don't do personal
trainers and I don't do massage therapists. I've been hit
on both. What Yeah, every single male personal trainer and
you know who you are. I have all asked me out.
(17:14):
They've been married. No, yeah, they're with women all day
doing bendi. Shit, they're gonna they're gonna get in there.
You're seeing half made. I don't have that patience. I
don't have the trust anymore. It's all gone, it's all
out the windows. So no massage therapists. Wow, and no
no trainers. You know it sounds crazy to hear, but
(17:35):
then if you think of being with someone who rubs
naked people all day, you can't do that. I don't
know what I'll have it in me, bless you. I
know there's people out there. Go ahead and get mad, right, Amber,
Amber and collar no caller five five five, Ambi, But
I don't.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I'm not doing it. Sorry.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Where did you meet him? He was your massage therapist? Yeah?
And he fixed my back on your body too. I
don't need this. I don't know about that. But okay,
speaking of nudity, I have one more thing. This is
we're gonna have to bump Lacey's DMS. After the next thing,
it's all right. Sorry, I was naked, but naked about
(18:17):
a thousand naked. I went to a Korean spom. Oh,
they're great. I got in there. They're like, it's not
the boogiest one for sure, like nowhere close to being
the boogiest one, but it's OK. Fine. I get in there,
and I'm like, I don't know, because you think two
things are going to happen if you go to a
Korean spob as a black woman. You think people are
(18:40):
going to stare at my naked black body because it's
the only one they've ever seen. And then you think
I'm going to be discriminated against in a way that
ultimately makes me laugh but is not great. So I
go in that mug. I go, well, it's fine. Me
and my friend signed up for a scrub and a sash.
We go in that mug and I'm like, it's I
just don't want to be naked, like very naked in
(19:02):
front of a lot of people. Swimsuits aren't allowed the
place where you go get a scrub. How can I
describe this? There are like four big hot tubs and
then beyond that it's all the same room as like
a bunch of showers that are that have no divisions,
that are just open. Then beyond that, but again this
(19:27):
is all open. Is the place where you get scrubbed.
No one in here is wearing a stitch of clothing.
Oh so when we get in there, we go eat
some food. There's black people in there, like people patrons.
We get in the naked naked place, not a single
sister in saint and I was like, yeah, that's kuzum.
(19:53):
I don't think we're all cut out for this man.
Then people get in triple iifles of my shit, and
I'm like, this is my nightmare. This is my nightmare, Lacy.
You know, I'll button I'll button it up all the
way to the chinten. I'll put it in a door naked.
I don't care what. I'll cover up my ankles. If
I could talk to you from inside a paper bag,
(20:16):
I would. And I mean that. I said that all
the time, one hundred percent. Make it right now, no doubt.
I don't care. I don't care. I can't. I can't,
I can't. I have a lot of I have comments
after this go ahead. So we get there the place
where you get scrubbed. You just lay butt naked next
to eight other women on fucking tables while these people
(20:39):
scrub you and you are wholly uncovered. You cry, didn't you?
I am very shocked that I didn't. This is I
did nightmare, and it's my night night. It's my nightmare.
The only thing that Amber is not gonna be upset
about if so and so becomes president is wearing uh,
the complete garb to cover up our whole bodies going
(21:00):
we're going Handmaid's Tale. And I don't want happy. I
don't like it's not It's very upsetting to me. Okay,
So I somehow get through it, and I'm like, this
is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I
hate this very much because lady and I went to
the d R a minute ago and we got scrubbed
in fucking private. I loved it, it was great, but
(21:23):
this lady did scrub me clean. I'm shiny as shit.
So then afterwards I went and I was going to
go sit in the hot tub as some ladies in
the hot tub. No, and you know, she said, no,
did you shower? You know you have to shower before
you get in the hot tub. Now did she ask
anyone else if they hit showered? No? Were there any
other black people in there? No? No, no. I was
(21:44):
like you, you discriminated against my entire naked body, oh
body naked. But this lady looked at me right in
the butt and said your shower, and I you know,
(22:08):
I of course said I got scrubbed. I'll planter on you.
I didn't. I didn't say fucky you, o piece of shit,
but that's what I wanted to say. But I can't
be ruining everybody's time. But that is what happened to me.
And you're right. It was my nightmare. My nightmare came true.
I hate it. I will never ever go to another
SPA as long as I live. First of all, how
(22:28):
did you live this long and did not go to
the Korean spot? That is a black andy, black black thing.
There are buses that we take.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
I've been on.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I've been twice. You go to Chicago because we're in Oma, Nebraska.
We don't have a great one here, and they scrub you.
They scrub you cheese. I can look at you and
tell you a couple shade lighter. You're shiny, you got
a little glisten on you now I need to go.
But yes, yeah, yeah, she scrubbed the mess out of me.
I was just like, I look great. I had a
(22:57):
couple of friends just go for a bridal party. That's
what they did for the little bridle shower. They all
went to Chicago and got scrubbed with the Korean Spot.
My friend who I went with has a sleeve of tattoos,
and the tattoo was gone. The tattoo was like braill
like raised its like, god, dang, that's a good scrub.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Was wrong, It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Scripts are good?
Speaker 2 (23:21):
You do want to scrub, You do want to scrub.
I want that scrub. A scrub is a scrub.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Ms good good, Okay, and that's all of my feelings. Okay, Lacey.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I cannot believe you were naked in the Korean.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Spot, all the way naked, and everyone who looked at
me looked four times. There's gotta be video. I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go online right now and see if I
can find you. Horrible. That's a horrible thing and I'll
never do it again. What what a what a terrible nightmare.
But I'm very proud that I survived. You did I
cannot believe you didn't just bust out in tears. I
(23:55):
was crying, laughing, and that's true.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Okay, well that's not bad.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
I mean it was as bad as it could have gone.
It was more naked than any nudity that's ever been nuded.
I would say more people saw me naked yesterday than
in my entire life combined. Now, that's true. If you're
at a Korean spot, fifty people are gonna see you,
They're gonna see everything. That's yeah, that's yeah, it was. Yeah,
(24:21):
it was a lot. Oh, sorry about that. I'm gonna
go on right now, okay and go into the dms. Okay,
are you ready? Hey everybody, it's time for please let
out of Lacy's dms. My dear welcome. So naturally, I
don't know about that song, Okay, I'm just gonna dive
(24:44):
right in. This first one is one of the most confusing,
garbled looking dms I've ever seen. So the man said
hello and sent me a picture of a collage that
he made. Now the is four squares, and in one
square it says happy holidays, that's right, and then diagonally
(25:09):
is just a cartoon picture of a dog. That's right.
Then in another square is him with his shirt off.
And then in the other corner it says sagittarius, oh
in bold letters, and it says, fuck what you heard.
I keep my circle small and my wall high. I
(25:29):
don't play games, and I'll treat you the same way
you treat me. Be careful not to underestimate me. My
heart is big, and I do love hard, but I
don't give a fuck even harder. Let's break all of
that down. Okay, happy pond, Happy Holiday. By the time
(25:49):
he got to the end, I forgot about happy holidays.
He started off well for me, started off for Christmas.
The cartoon dog in the corner does have on a
Christmas hat like that. So this is a little old
because we're already in July. Is July the shirt the
picture in the corner with the shirt off, you know,
that's oldest time everybody's got the shirt off. I don't
(26:10):
need to see that. But then the sagittarius and the cussing.
I don't know where to go. I don't know what
you're doing. Who told you to make that coloss? Why
are you sending that to a woman? I don't quite
understand how that happened. I don't know why would you
happy holiday? The fuck what you heard? So who's his circle?
That he likes to keep small? Him and that dog
(26:31):
him and his little dogs. For the way made any sense,
then that's not even his profile. His profile picture is
just a picture of him, and underneath it it says,
if you're too pretty or too sexy, don't like my
post or friend me because I will try to fuck you.
Oh there's a lot of things wrong. This is why
I need to start my business. Yeah, let me write
(26:52):
your profile, sir. Yeah, nobody's responding to anything. Nobody's responding
to that profile or happy holidays, just saiddays you gotta
shot have been like, that's cute, you gotta shot. All
four of those things make no sense. Yeah, they might
make each other worse. Were you high when you did that?
Because that should only be shown in the in the
(27:14):
month of December. Right, you thought that was so cute
and clever that you kept it and you that's what
you send to people. Happy paula days.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Can't make that up. You can't make that up. Amber Stop.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
If his name, if his name was Paul, we'd be
back in business. We'd all it'd be an old pun
but it's his favorite because his name is Paul. Wait
is his name Paul pa w l So you to stop,
I need you to stop, because no it is. It's
not Paul Lazy. Let him have just one date. No
(27:46):
happy paula days everyone. Maybe he meant pause and he's
gonna Paul all over you, okay and yeah, yeah, okay,
I've got to move on. Okay. This one says I'm
looking for a natual woman. Oh no fake eyelashes, no
excessive long ones, no excessive makeup, no tattoos, no filters,
(28:08):
no avatars, and please no pet I'm not interested in
seeing them. Just you must have more than one photo
and it must be current. No group photos. The biggest
red flag for me is a woman who's been married
or has grown children living with them. And if you're
a horoscope fanatic who asked what my sign is, and
(28:31):
you must be God fearing. Now this man said, hello,
would like to see you soon, if possible. That was
his message to me. So then I went to his profile. Yeah,
and you found something there that you like. You got
a lot of things going on, and guess what, Sorry,
I've been divorced ten times.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
I'm not for you.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Hey, no, I've only been divorced once, but you really
you try to find a woman that has not been
divorced and don't worry makeup? Get out of here. What
are you talking for a ten year old? And that's illegal? Dude?
Why can't she wear makeup? What's wrong with makeup? I
don't know. I don't like this lady. You got me
on the eyelashes. I only have three eyelashes, so you
(29:11):
would have you would have been in love. But I've
been dihorse standing. It's on my profile, so that means
you didn't even read. Reading is not one of the
things he was after. You didn't even read? And makeup, sir,
I'm wearing makeup. I'll wear it to bed. You can't
put some on you. How you going to act like
you don't need makeup? You can't tell me not to
wear makeup. I will do this real quick. I'll be like, okay,
(29:33):
so what are we doing? Okay? Hold on? Thank you? What? No?
Uh uh no, shame on him? No, that's lacey. No,
I'm not giving him a chance. Maybe he should give
him a chance. I'll go to cheesecake factory before I
give him a chance. Let's go Amber, Why are you
talking about the cheesecake factory. Don't you know I fuck
(29:54):
you up? Come here you will? Now I think Amber
would fight someone. It would. She would build up enough
strength and anger if someone said something bad about the cheesecake,
She'll come at you. It would be the last thing
my body does, But I would. She would die. She's
gonna die with cheesecake f You come and spit in
(30:14):
my face and everyone's like, oh, kill everybody in the place.
And I know, I know I'm Lace. I know the
cheesecake factory. I'm like, I'm way under there. I know that.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
I know I'm behind the Vanilla Bean cheesecake.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
I know I'm behind there, and I'm okay. Ain't nothing
in between cheesecake Factory and Lacey. But the space. The space. Guys.
Everything we say, we mean a thousand percent were We
do not exaggerate. We've never exaggerated. And I will tell
(30:49):
you this, Godfather's Pizza on Saddle Creek. I love that,
maybe as much as my daughter Imani. Don't listen to this,
she knows I love that. Yeah, that combo pizza. Yeah,
I do extra sauce. That's right. I'll jump in if
someone was shooting at it. I would jump in front
and not like the concept of Godfather's pizza. That pizza,
(31:10):
one of those pizzas from Godfathers.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
It's the combo.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Add my green pepper, extra sauce, and it's gotta be
the one from Saddle Creek. I don't do any other
ones because that's not the same. Whoever you are working
at Saddle Creek, you all need to raise It's the best.
It's the best. It is. Yeah, guys, Lacey and I
have a hot take. Okay, and no one likes this,
but deep down inside you know we're right. Yeah. All
(31:36):
New York pizza is trash. They're gonna get us suck them.
It's fucking trash.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
I'm at Omaha. They can't find me, but they're oh.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
They're behind you. No, I won't, I never will. New
York pizza is terrible. It's all then. There's barely any
sauce on it, barely any cheese. It's nothing. It's like
it's like what is left on a plate after you
have eaten an actual piece of pizza. And this is
why we were raised in the Midwest. We do pizza
(32:04):
the correct way. I like my pizza like I like
my men huscular huskins. Gotta pizza's got to bear. That's
pizza Detroit style. Great. It's Chicago deep dish, great and
regular ass. I feel like Godfather's pizza is normal. That's
the minimum normal. There should be stuff on it. Like
(32:25):
if I like, you know how people in New York
will be like, oh I can eat four pizza pizza yeah,
no shit, yes, no shit. Then if the window clows
and your pizza gets caught up like a kite and
shoots away, that's a bad pizza. I'm sorry. You can
see through this shit over here. It's like on a
piece of paper. Even if all of it was the
best taste you've ever tasted, ain't but a whisper of it.
(32:47):
It weighs a gram. That's not pizza. Not sorry, guys,
And we'll fight anyone who says otherwise. We will fight you,
And yes you will, but you will feel so bad
that you hit me in the face because pizza. That's right,
(33:08):
Because our jaws work, because we're strong food. We had
to chew that mug a little whisper of it like
a newspaper. It's like you use newspaper to stop up
some tomato. Souper. Sorry, guys, and that couldn't possibly be
what we're talking about. Okay, we have to reel this in,
(33:36):
okay and get into sister court right now, guys. And
I can I point out that today's guest was Beyonce,
but we just we're gonna get to her, Okay. We
just have to keep soon Beyonce. We have things to
talk about. As soon as we're done with this one,
we will be bringing out Beyonce. And once again, everything
(33:56):
you hear on this podcast is true.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
It's the truth.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
It's the truths true. Okay, Beyonce, stop, we're getting to you. Okay,
Sister Core is starting now. There is one true thing
about the justice system and that sisters are doing it
for themselves. Sisters are doing it for them saves. You
(34:20):
remember that song, No, you don't remember the song sisters
are doing it for themselves because it was such a
terrible song that my mind said, please don't ever remember
that the might dick clean And I'm okay. Sometimes that happens.
Sometimes you're a terrible song. You're like, oh god, I
remember that song because your mind helped you out, and
you look at you just trying to bring it back
I never singing that. Who so maybe the same people
(34:44):
who sing it's rain and men. Oh? Is that Weather girls?
The Weather Girls? Are you looking? Please look this up?
The song barely sounds familiar. Oh no, it's a white woman,
look at you. Wait, it's a lot. Oh it's the
oh lady, it's Annie Lenox. Oh okay. And Aretha Franklin.
(35:05):
I consider the Franklin Oh my god, the Eurythmics featuring
Aretha Franklin. Well well, well, well, well look, Annie Lennox
can come to the barbecue. That woman's got some soul
and you can't tell me otherwise. She's great.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
I do love Annie Lennox.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Everyone loves Annie Lennox. Okay, mister Court, ever stay on track.
I'm trying to, but Beyonce won't stop bothering me. Beyonce,
You're gonna be on in ten to twenty minutes. Okay,
Sister Court, we really don't have a judge right now,
(35:43):
so we are the judge, the jury, the prosecution, and
the executioner. And the executioner one of us will be
executed by the end of this what I'll read the
very first sister Court scenario. I need some advice, my
husband of twenty eight years, loves ping outside. Let's stop
right there, divorce. But anyway, we have a little yard
(36:05):
outside our kitchen window and he keeps peeing there. No,
I can't stand the smell of it anymore. Last year
he was even arrested for indecent exposure No, because he
peed in a public park. No, I feel like I
can't take this anymore? What should I do? Amber?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I'm gonna let you take this.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Do you have a clothes pin, Take it and pinch
it on the tip of his wiener. Tell him if
he keeps it there the whole time you're out, he
can get a treat when he gets home. Okay, no peepe,
no public peepee. But really, what you should do is
every time he pee's outside, you should pee outside. Fucking
drop trow and let her rip and that that'll stop him,
(36:47):
Because I mean, I do think this is a fire
or bowl offence. And I realize you're saying husband of
twenty eight years, right, So it's gonna be a tough separation.
But Giru, you have to plan to go to the
back through better than you're currently doing. This is why
I should have been a therapist. First of all, you
waited way too long, twenty eight years. It's hard to
(37:07):
stop a twenty eight year habit. Also, this ain't the
only gross ass thing this man is doing being out.
If he's paying outside, then he's not flushing the toilet,
he's not showering, He don't brush his teeth, he eats
with his mouth open. He does a whole bunch of stuff.
So I don't know where to begin, but you better
(37:27):
it's past whatever you think.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
You need to give him an ultimatum.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
You stop cold turkey right now, or I'm moving in
with my friends, or you're gonna have to move out.
He's gonna come home, change the locks's closer outside. He
can't be paying outside. That's a discussed disgusting dude. You
can smell it. It's by the kitchen when you said
that for a reason. Now it's wafting through the kitchen.
App solutely if you I don't make house calls, but
(37:52):
if you need me to come over there with my
rainbow earrings, I'm coming. We're gonna salt. We're gonna solve
this today. This can be solved overnight. This you have
to be serious, Shirley. I don't know if your name
is Shirley, Shirley, this has to be solved. I'm upset
for you this song. Tonight, revenue meeting, get an intervention.
(38:12):
He's got his friends called Stanley, the one with the
with the nice fingernails, Call Stanley over his brother, whoever
you can get, put him in a circle, and everybody's
talking about how disgusting, shame his ass, shame him. The
man who's been to jail over ping. That's disgusting, dude.
I don't know if you're gonna be able to stop this.
You got to take a great hard stance, and if
it keeps going, get out of there. Let somebody else
(38:34):
deal with pp. I have something horrible to say. Go ahead.
He might be constantly peeing outside because he wants people
to see his wiener exactly. So if he can't stop,
you're out. I mean, I think he just he's peeing, sure,
but he's also might be just like enjoying showing people
is wiener. And I'm sorry that I had to take
it to a real and horrible place. But we took
(38:57):
a vow here at Sister Court we would take your
cases seriously, and we seriously, and that's the serious part
of it. The fun part is it's gross. The serious
part is this man might enjoy showing people this widner guilty.
Exhibitionists guilty, He's guilty, he's guilty. Case two. I'm a
retired introvert. Do you think it's okay if I don't
(39:18):
open the door when someone who I didn't invite comes knocking?
Like if someone comes to the house to try to
sell me something, Can I just ignore them and wait
for them to go away? Bitch the fuck? Yes? Of course.
Why would you think you have to answer your door?
The only call you have to answer is the call
the lord gives you. Yes, Lacy, Okay, I do not
(39:42):
like to stereotype people at all, but I think this
is coming from a white collar white collar Black people
have been doing this for years. I don't answer the
door for anyone if you didn't call first. My mom
won't answer the door for me if if I don't
show up, she's like, text you did you call first?
You do not do that? If I go back in time, Yeah,
(40:03):
and to warn myself of something, I'm not opening up
the door for myself. It's not going to you don't
do that. You unless you call first, you don't know
what you don't legally. Oh, come on, now, all the
laws don't do that. Don't open up the door for anyone.
But the first black law is don't open up the
door for a stranger. No, or if they did not
(40:25):
call first, you don't open the door. I'll be looking
at them through the window. Don't open up the door. No,
you don't have to do that, absolutely not. Sorry, guys, Okay, No,
you don't have to open the door. Don't open the door,
innocent technically, okay. Gavel gabble, Class class gavel gabble. When
should I give up my seat on a flight? I'm okay, sorry, sorry,
(40:47):
I'm sorry. I don't need to read the rest of this.
You don't ever ever have to give up your seat
on a flight. You took the time out to pay
for your ticket, You got this flight early enough to
where you could sit exactly in the plane where you
want to sit. Why the fuck would you give up
your seat? I wouldn't give up my seat for anybody.
(41:08):
Finish reading it? You mean me? Oh, I'm still right?
When should I give up my seat on a flight?
I'm a healthy male in my forties and was settling
in on a fifteen hour flight I'd paid a bit
extra to sit by the window so I could rest
my head against the wall where I was sitting the
center and as'll seat were empty. After dinner had been served,
an elderly woman came up and asked if she could
have the window seat, something about neck pain and wanting
(41:30):
to rest her head against the wall or something. I
politely declined, and she understood. But now I feel a
little bad. Should I have given up my seat? Buck? No, No,
absolutely not. You're right. I No, you're right, and I'm
terrified to fly and I have to be in a
certain spot otherwise I'm gonna I'm gonna lose it even
more than i'm gonna. Look Yeah, so yeah, you're right,
you're right now, Amber, Yes, it's a pregnant woman, as
(41:52):
she needs that spot? Is she standing other way? No
one needs like That's what I'm saying. It's a seat.
We all have seats. Sit in the seat where you're sitting. Well, Amber,
don't joke about her flights. Amber does not joke. You're
not getting that seat from her, You're not. I mark
my calendar twenty one days ahead of the day so
(42:13):
that that's when I buy my ticket because that's when
I read an article fourteen years ago that tickets were cheapest,
and I'm still doing it even though that may it
be true. I'm planning my shit. I triple plan shit.
There's no way my plans are going to change my
ultimate plan being very comfortable and very happy. Cause you
didn't plan right? Fuck you wan, no fucking way come
(42:36):
to amber. Now you're swearing never Oh lord, Okay, guys,
I love yelling.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
You do all right?
Speaker 1 (42:44):
So guilty not guilty? Innocent innocent on those episodes when
I'm reading the next one. Now, when you have reservations
at a restaurant, are you just supposed to cut in
front of everyone to announce yourself to the host? Last weekend,
my husband and I had reservs at a restaurant. When
we arrived, there was a small line at the host
station of people waiting to be seated. He went straight
(43:07):
to the front of the line to tell the hosts
we were there, which I thought was super rude. We
argued about it enough that we just left the restaurant.
So who's right, my husband for cutting or me wanting
to wait in line? I think that you can sound
like you cut in line. You kind of go on
the side and be like, cause, listen, I don't know
how long that line gonna be.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
What I don't know?
Speaker 1 (43:29):
I mean, how long was the line? If I'm there
on time for my reservation, is the line ten minutes?
I don't know how long the line is. If it's
a very short line, I might wait, but after a while,
if I'm sitting there, I.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
Need to get seated.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
I'm sorry you people obviously didn't have a reservation.
Speaker 2 (43:44):
I don't know, amber, I don't know. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Okay. First of all, just because you're at the back
of the line doesn't mean everyone else in front of
you doesn't have a reservation too Ever, they all could.
The line isn't there because people didn't make reservations. The
line is there because this person is slow at seating people.
I mean, not necessarily, but it could be. That could
be the case. It could be that they're having a
(44:06):
slow time turning over the tables. That could also be
the case. But it's entirely possible that everyone has a reservation. Also,
this is I feel like some white to be like,
can I go to the front of the line because
I'm special? No, we all are hungry. We all want
(44:27):
going to the front, Danjoe doing the line. I've been
doing it to us for years. I'm going to the
front to see what's gonna Also, no, you not remember
when we were at PF. Chang's and those two white
people pushed us out of the way to stand it.
I have no memory of that, but I'm one hundred
percent short happened. It was at the end of a
really racist day, and it made us laugh so hard.
(44:49):
We just didn't have the energy. But what's so sad
is that stuff happens to us all the time that
I can't remember it. It was the same day that
guy made us wait for like fifteen minutes at Home
Depot while we were just sitting there trying to check out.
It was where we were after that, the home Depot day. Now,
that was hilarious. Home it was pretty It's pretty Yeah,
(45:09):
that was a pretty bad day. Look, this is where
we have a split decision. I think you cannot just
go to the front. The line is there so that
you can talk to the person, So obey the line
you don't get to that's not what a reservation is
there so that when you get to the front of
the line, you get to sit down. That's what the
reservation is. You didn't reserve the front of the line.
(45:32):
You're going to do it this week. I'm gonna do
it this week, and I'm gonna get back to you,
but I'm peeking around. I'm gonna be like, I have
a reservation. I'm just gonna I'm not getting in front
of them. I'm to the side because they might be like,
oh okay, Sherry see these people and still.
Speaker 2 (45:43):
Way, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm
gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
No, absolutely no, And they're not giving away your table
the next time.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
I'm with you, I'm doing it with No, don't do
it with me.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
I'm gonna be like, Hi, I'm Amber roughing bitches seat No,
Well I do it all the time anyways, So we
should ask the the hostess.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
We're going to find out.
Speaker 1 (46:01):
We're going to find out the etiquette is what the
etiquette is. But I'm right, and that's it. Hey you guys,
Oh my god, Beyonce. I'm so sorry Beyonce. Next week,
next week, we love you'll definitely get on the show
and we're sorry. God, I love you. Hey, everybody, This
was the Amber Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. We'd like
to thank our sponsors, Cheesecake Factory, Beyonce. Uh, you know,
(46:32):
we'd like to thank the Rhythmics, just all of our
sponsors that make this show possible. I like love on
Top babe, Okay, but Lacey, what else you should follow us?
On social media? I'm Amber Ruffin, that's probably across all platforms,
and I'm Lacey Lamar one'ld trying to figure out how
to post things. But I'm doing that. Guys, she's really
(46:53):
You gotta give her some encouragement. So hey everyone, we
love you. Let's get married. Okay, goodbye bye, love me,
Love me. The Amber and Lacey Lacy and Amber Show
is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and
(47:13):
iHeartRadio podcast. It's created and hosted by Amber Ruffin and
Lacy Lamar. Executive produced by Noah Avoar and Hans Sni.
Super produced by Becca Raimos. Because She's a Superhero co
produced by Victor Wright, Edited and mixed by Ty Herd.
Music by David schmol
We got a show that's like no other. Did I
mention that I am the favorite of our mother? It's
them LESTI listen it Amber Shoe. That is why. That's
why not the favorite and everybody knows that. Hey, I
could be the favorite if I just applied myself and
(00:23):
stopped biting others.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, well, I don't think that's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
It won't because I'm committed to biting. Okay, guys, I
love it. I love biding my family members.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
You do, you're very bidy.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I'm a bidy type of kid. Was I a bidy kid?
That's absolutely not. Oh you're a sweet little baby. It's
almost the sweet as me. No, you were biting No
one really now. Angela, on the other hand, biting toilet tissue.
She used to take bites out of the toilet tissue roll.
Don't ask why, but she was doing it. Whoa, Yeah, just.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Drunk. I think she was just biding into it and
spitting it out. I don't know those two stupid things.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yeah, I used to eat chuck. Why because it feels
great when you crunch it. Oh, absolutely not. That sounds
terrible again. I was born a sixty two year old
woman I was doing taxes at that age. I didn't care.
I wasn't doing children. Silly little miss. It's so crunchy
in the weirdest way. Lacy, you gotta try it.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
I've never wanted to try.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Got to try it. Trying to try it? No, I
don't want to. How is your week? What's what's happening
in your world? Thank you for asking. So many things
are happening. Okay, no one cares. I'm travel Tomah. That
was true. So Amber and I are far apart, but
(01:46):
I'm living my best life already. Been to Jazz on
the Green. You did out set out in that hot,
hot sun. It's great. Yeah, I love going to jazz
on the green. Jazz on the green is when you
put on a linen suit and you go and you
sit in a lawn chair in the grass in the
(02:08):
park in downtown Omaha. It's my favorite. So good SRT
was playing. That is my friend Mitch Town's jazzy jazz band,
and it was great. He was amazing, So shout out
to Mitch. You guys did a wonderful job. Sat had
my moscato, my daughter had a margarita. My child has
(02:30):
grown one day. Listeners one day you will also be
an old black lady. So right now, Jazz on the
Green might not sound like the best thing on earth
to you, but there will come a time when the
tides will change. I remember we would drive by Jazz
on the Green and I would be like, look at
those old fuckers, look at those fools. And now it's me.
(02:53):
Now I can't are too out there just sweating drinking wine.
But I don't even drink wine. But once you start
hearing jazz, it does make you like jazz have this way.
It was wonderful. It's wonderful. I'm going next week I
live my best life. Lacy, you're doing a good job. Okay,
(03:14):
thank you. Now let's get on to the real news.
What is it? Everyone has been talking about Divorce in
the Black? What Divorce in the Black is the new
Tyler Perry movie. And the first scene is crazy and
people record themselves watching the scene, and there are a
million reenactments. If you google divorce in Black reenactment you
(03:37):
will crack up. People are getting very creative and it's wonderful.
And I've been laughing this whole week. What don't say it?
I want to watch it? Listen you're not gonna watch this.
You're gonna watch the first scene. You'll watch the first scene,
but you won't make it past the FI. I want
to record you over that watching it. I'm sorry, record yourself.
Just tell me what happens. Okay. So the first scene
(03:58):
is a funeral. The pastor is I rate and he
is berating the family. He's like, your son was a
terrible human being, and that's why he's going to hell
from the market. Yeah, like you're a bad mom, your
bad brother's family's terrible. The mother stands up, rips off
(04:19):
her dress. I don't need charity from this church. I
don't need this funeral. Take your dress back, throws the
dress down. You know, she's got her old she's grandma.
She's got her old grandma. Girl on runs up to
the casket and says, come on, boys, take our son back.
So they go up and grab the casket and she goes, no,
not the casket, take the body, and they reach it.
(04:39):
They grabbed the body and they running out at the
church with the body.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Listen, guys, this has never happened. It's terrible.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
But the reenactments you've seen everything from a little Barbie
Doll when they look the body up and somebody's skinny
little child. I really do want to do a reenact
I want to do a reenactment with like a puppy
or something.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
But it's good.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
The re enactments are worth the whole thing. So I
had to watch the first scene and then watched everybody.
Oh it was so one man did it all on
his own. He did every character and then he used
the doll at the very end to lift the body
out and walk out with it. I love it. I
like that.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So guys, watch the first five minutes. Everything else is
on you.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
You watched that home with that's on you call me
call Amber, but don't call me Amber's numbers five five five, No,
my real Lamber.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yeah. Oh gosh, no, I did not tell you to
watch this whole thing, just that first scene.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Oh ye yeah, Okay, so everyone needs to know this.
We have a house that has a lot of windows. Okay.
As a result, birds fly in the windows. They think
they can fly through when they hit the windows. So
we got a plastic owl and the owl has stopped
(05:52):
birds from flying into the window. The Lacey what did
I see today? And nowel flew up to the window
to land on it and like hit the window because
he wanted to be near the plastic owl. Oh no,
they discuss the owls getting rid of birds, but no
(06:16):
one told us this owl was sexy as hell that
would attract other owls. Sexy ass, sexy ow. Sexy. Yeah
that's big, girl. I think you're cute. Come over here,
(06:37):
sexy owl. Sexy ass owl. And then if you look
at the owl, he is a little sexy. He's cute.
I saw that, you know, I didn't know it it
would attract another owl, but I could see he lonely
out there, Lacy. It was the biggest his dms a
owl I've ever seen. They're huge. Thing was the biggest
(06:57):
life and he just tried to wear no no way,
just trying to land their act and all cool. Then
he embarrassed himself, yeah, because.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
He was like, hey girl, why ain't you saying nothing?
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Oh? She was like and then he was like cook
clonk clungk clunk law dang. So I mean that is
a way of them never coming back. It is. So
you know what, I started this saying it attracts owls,
and I'm gonna end up saying you know what it
did its job because he's too embarrassed to come back
here ever again, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ever ever, He's.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Not coming back.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Guys, you should know that you can right into the
Amber and Lacey Lacy and Amber Show at amberand Lacy
Advice at gmail dot com, a email address that I
pull out of the depths of my memory every time
we record an episode.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
You are so good at remembering that.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Yeah, I'm pretty smart except for most things. But remembering
that one thing, Oh baby, I can't be beat. But
right in, you know, because we want to know what
your business is, okay, and you know what our business
is making that money.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
So we're gonna take a commercial realm.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
And will be right back, okay, and we're gonna slide
into Lacy's DMS when we return. All right, we are
see you in a minute. Who do Hey, everybody, Welcome
(08:39):
back to the Amber and Lacey Lacy and Amber Show.
I'm somehow both Amber and Lacey. You are not You
don't know what I am. Okay, you don't know. Okay,
Right now, we are going to slide into Lacey's DMS
as we encourage you to slide out of Lacey's DMS please,
(09:01):
and I can't stress this enough. If you're not normal,
you gotta leave this lady alone, okay, because you're too
weird and too loose with it. Okay. Yeah, it's getting bad, people,
It's getting pretty bad. Now. Is it hilarious as well? Yes?
It is, it is. We can't act like that. It's hilarious. Man.
(09:21):
I have to pre slide out of lazy DM stories,
but they have to be told, and they're all related,
I guess. So my first one is, hey, you're adopted. Oh,
someone posted and this is Omaha, Nebraska. I was on
my little Facebook thing in Omaha, a whole human being
(09:42):
recorded a man cheating on his wife at the table
right next to it, and they recorded it and it said,
whose husband is this? They are dragging you. I can
hear everything they're saying. And she got a picture of
the man, a clear clear it's Larry. Okay, now, guys,
(10:03):
I'm making that up. I don't know his name, but
if it's it's Larry, if they know who it is
is him, they have a clear picture of him. And
it says, if this is your husband and you are
on vacation in California, and I made up the state
just in case I don't want to embarrass a lady said.
The state the lady was in on vacation, named her children,
(10:23):
Oh my god, and said, this mistress is meeting your
children this week while you're out of town. Come get
your man. And I thought you would want to know.
She was like, I don't. I'm embarrassed out you like this,
but I don't know who you are. You'll know, And
the lady responded, oh my god, what is she saying.
The lady was like, thank you. I needed to know this.
(10:46):
I had no idea on my way back. No, guys, sisterhood,
we're saving lives. We're saving lives. This woman on vacation
and I know this by a million people out there.
Made me thinking I wouldn't have done that. If y'all
see my man, I know that's right. Everybody has. You
have permission to throw a glass of wine in his space.
That's right to go. Go. I mean, don't physically hurt it,
(11:08):
but you go, let the air out of his tires.
Do whatever you have to, but send me the video.
I don't they're talking about what a fool I am,
but she about to meet my children. Go aeat please,
this is a community. Yeah, it's pretty nice. How do
you feel about this? Do you feel okay? I like it? Okay,
(11:29):
I like getting together as a community. I like dragging people. Yes,
but also dang, he probably thought he was also like,
she should have asked that lady to take it down
and then she should have called a divorce lawyer privately
DM that woman got the video and the post by
the time she saw it. Guess how many views about
(11:52):
thirteen hundred? God bless it. Yeah, it's bad. So someone
probably was like, hey, I saw this. Someone someone had
to have seen it had been like Tina Larry Wait
was this in Omaha?
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Omaha?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
God damn? So you know everybody knows is like thirteen
hundred people in Omaha to begin with, how are you
dumb enough to cheat on your wife and some Omaha
Nebraska in public, broad daylight. You better get some takeaway
like a normal person, just in the middle of the day,
loud and proud. You better go to Motel six. You
(12:26):
better go to the Queen end y'all, we got one.
We do. You're out here sitting at Jazz on the
Green so that everything. Was it a Jazz on the Green? No,
but it might as what restaurant. Was it. I couldn't
tell the I mean, I didn't say, but it looked
exactly like Charleston's that's restaurant because it's a little dark
(12:50):
in there. It's dark. It's dark, cheating restaurant. Thought she
wasn't gonna get seen. Sir, you're on TV show. They
made a whole TV show about you that's terrible named children. Wow, Like,
I feel like you didn't need to do that. You
could have just shown his face. We all know who
he is. Your your wife's gonna know who you are.
You could show a nose, you could show a shoulder,
(13:11):
and she's gonna be like, that's my husband. I just yeah,
but I want to make sure that I'm sure that
I'm sure that this lady sees it okay, and that
she knows that that was the plan, because she is true.
That is true. You're absolutely right. I mean, she had
a lot of detail. She had a lot of detail,
and you're right, Yeah, you're right. You're right. Anyway, So
(13:32):
my next one is I went out a couple of
days ago and a whole man I was waiting. I
wasn't going to tell you because I needed to see
your face. It was with my friend Tracy. Hello, Tracy.
We just having a little drink and a man came
up to me. No, and I had my rainbow earrings on. No,
(13:54):
and he said, no, why you got them rainbow earrings on? Oh?
Speaker 2 (13:58):
And I just looked like and he said.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Why do you have the second time, why do you
have those rainbow earrings on?
Speaker 2 (14:05):
And I looked at him again.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
I went, Sirie, call parole officer, and I went, yeah,
I ain't even been out ten hours.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I don't think I'm gonna make it. And then I
just looked at him and he walked away. Now I
should have been recording that, well, we're not gonna do America,
all of America. But you're not gonna do is play
in my face. You're not gonna come. I don't know
you do not do not. So then I had to
(14:37):
act like poor Tracy. Then I had to Tracy was
my woman. You I don't care who you think that
this is not what we're gonna do. You're not gonna
tell me, but I can't wear rainbow earrings. And yes,
we all know you're homophobic, and that's what you thought
it was, sir. Now we get married, right, here. I'm
calling the I'm all the preacher, and we having a
whole lesbian wedding in this restaurant. Because you act in
a fool You think you're gonna scare me, try to
(14:57):
intimidate me. Get out of here. Now. See I've been
comfortable in New York. I forgot where I was. I
was in Omaha, Nebraska, and you thought, what did you
think I was gonna say? Oh God, don't let me
take these off, don't full please? People are crazy.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
I have to calm down, to calm down.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Sorry, because you're so small, Lacey. Guys, it makes people
really brave. But I can tell you that people have
it backwards because no one comes up to me talking crazy.
No never why Lacy will fight you. I probably not
probably gonna laugh. I'm probably gonna think it's cute. Oh
(15:32):
my gosh, Lacey, speaking of cute, we.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Didn't even go into the dms, but go on, Oh.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Wait, no, okay, well, speaking of cute, Okay, I met
a cute guy and I'm gonna ask him if he's single. Amber.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
You're cute and my cute are two different things.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
That's very You're cute is Tippy Turtle from seven out life.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Remember Tippy turtle.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
And I mean no offense of any human turtles out there,
but I don't want it to remember, hey turtle, Why
what am I going? No one knows.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Make it drunk.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Look it up, people look up Tippy turtle. And that's
what Amber thinks. It's cute. I don't think that's cute.
I told you huscular? Is he huscular? What do you
look like? He's extremely cute? What does he look like?
I wanted like you say, who does he look like?
He looks like there is a person who looks his
(16:31):
He's like if a Bargo ba ba Milla was the
size of Tate Diggs and that's accurate. Okay, so he's
not huscular, but he's like cut for sure. And he's
and you're not gonna like this the messuse, absolutely not.
But he's not a messuse. He's a physical therapist. Lacy, oh,
a physical therapist. I'm okay with I thought you meant
(16:52):
like a massage therapist. He's a massage therapist. No, absolutely not.
And I'm sorry massage therapists out there, y'all know I'm not.
I'm not having a man that rubs on women all day.
I don't want to do that. I don't do personal
trainers and I don't do massage therapists. I've been hit
on both. What Yeah, every single male personal trainer and
you know who you are. I have all asked me out.
(17:14):
They've been married. No, yeah, they're with women all day
doing bendi. Shit, they're gonna they're gonna get in there.
You're seeing half made. I don't have that patience. I
don't have the trust anymore. It's all gone, it's all
out the windows. So no massage therapists. Wow, and no
no trainers. You know it sounds crazy to hear, but
(17:35):
then if you think of being with someone who rubs
naked people all day, you can't do that. I don't
know what I'll have it in me, bless you. I
know there's people out there. Go ahead and get mad, right, Amber,
Amber and collar no caller five five five, Ambi, But
I don't.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I'm not doing it. Sorry.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Where did you meet him? He was your massage therapist? Yeah?
And he fixed my back on your body too. I
don't need this. I don't know about that. But okay,
speaking of nudity, I have one more thing. This is
we're gonna have to bump Lacey's DMS. After the next thing,
it's all right. Sorry, I was naked, but naked about
(18:17):
a thousand naked. I went to a Korean spom. Oh,
they're great. I got in there. They're like, it's not
the boogiest one for sure, like nowhere close to being
the boogiest one, but it's OK. Fine. I get in there,
and I'm like, I don't know, because you think two
things are going to happen if you go to a
Korean spob as a black woman. You think people are
(18:40):
going to stare at my naked black body because it's
the only one they've ever seen. And then you think
I'm going to be discriminated against in a way that
ultimately makes me laugh but is not great. So I
go in that mug. I go, well, it's fine. Me
and my friend signed up for a scrub and a sash.
We go in that mug and I'm like, it's I
just don't want to be naked, like very naked in
(19:02):
front of a lot of people. Swimsuits aren't allowed the
place where you go get a scrub. How can I
describe this? There are like four big hot tubs and
then beyond that it's all the same room as like
a bunch of showers that are that have no divisions,
that are just open. Then beyond that, but again this
(19:27):
is all open. Is the place where you get scrubbed.
No one in here is wearing a stitch of clothing.
Oh so when we get in there, we go eat
some food. There's black people in there, like people patrons.
We get in the naked naked place, not a single
sister in saint and I was like, yeah, that's kuzum.
(19:53):
I don't think we're all cut out for this man.
Then people get in triple iifles of my shit, and
I'm like, this is my nightmare. This is my nightmare, Lacy.
You know, I'll button I'll button it up all the
way to the chinten. I'll put it in a door naked.
I don't care what. I'll cover up my ankles. If
I could talk to you from inside a paper bag,
(20:16):
I would. And I mean that. I said that all
the time, one hundred percent. Make it right now, no doubt.
I don't care. I don't care. I can't. I can't,
I can't. I have a lot of I have comments
after this go ahead. So we get there the place
where you get scrubbed. You just lay butt naked next
to eight other women on fucking tables while these people
(20:39):
scrub you and you are wholly uncovered. You cry, didn't you?
I am very shocked that I didn't. This is I
did nightmare, and it's my night night. It's my nightmare.
The only thing that Amber is not gonna be upset
about if so and so becomes president is wearing uh,
the complete garb to cover up our whole bodies going
(21:00):
we're going Handmaid's Tale. And I don't want happy. I
don't like it's not It's very upsetting to me. Okay,
So I somehow get through it, and I'm like, this
is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I
hate this very much because lady and I went to
the d R a minute ago and we got scrubbed
in fucking private. I loved it, it was great, but
(21:23):
this lady did scrub me clean. I'm shiny as shit.
So then afterwards I went and I was going to
go sit in the hot tub as some ladies in
the hot tub. No, and you know, she said, no,
did you shower? You know you have to shower before
you get in the hot tub. Now did she ask
anyone else if they hit showered? No? Were there any
other black people in there? No? No, no. I was
(21:44):
like you, you discriminated against my entire naked body, oh
body naked. But this lady looked at me right in
the butt and said your shower, and I you know,
(22:08):
I of course said I got scrubbed. I'll planter on you.
I didn't. I didn't say fucky you, o piece of shit,
but that's what I wanted to say. But I can't
be ruining everybody's time. But that is what happened to me.
And you're right. It was my nightmare. My nightmare came true.
I hate it. I will never ever go to another
SPA as long as I live. First of all, how
(22:28):
did you live this long and did not go to
the Korean spot? That is a black andy, black black thing.
There are buses that we take.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
I've been on.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I've been twice. You go to Chicago because we're in Oma, Nebraska.
We don't have a great one here, and they scrub you.
They scrub you cheese. I can look at you and
tell you a couple shade lighter. You're shiny, you got
a little glisten on you now I need to go.
But yes, yeah, yeah, she scrubbed the mess out of me.
I was just like, I look great. I had a
(22:57):
couple of friends just go for a bridal party. That's
what they did for the little bridle shower. They all
went to Chicago and got scrubbed with the Korean Spot.
My friend who I went with has a sleeve of tattoos,
and the tattoo was gone. The tattoo was like braill
like raised its like, god, dang, that's a good scrub.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Was wrong, It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Scripts are good?
Speaker 2 (23:21):
You do want to scrub, You do want to scrub.
I want that scrub. A scrub is a scrub.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Ms good good, Okay, and that's all of my feelings. Okay, Lacey.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I cannot believe you were naked in the Korean.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Spot, all the way naked, and everyone who looked at
me looked four times. There's gotta be video. I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go online right now and see if I
can find you. Horrible. That's a horrible thing and I'll
never do it again. What what a what a terrible nightmare.
But I'm very proud that I survived. You did I
cannot believe you didn't just bust out in tears. I
(23:55):
was crying, laughing, and that's true.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Okay, well that's not bad.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
I mean it was as bad as it could have gone.
It was more naked than any nudity that's ever been nuded.
I would say more people saw me naked yesterday than
in my entire life combined. Now, that's true. If you're
at a Korean spot, fifty people are gonna see you,
They're gonna see everything. That's yeah, that's yeah, it was. Yeah,
(24:21):
it was a lot. Oh, sorry about that. I'm gonna
go on right now, okay and go into the dms. Okay,
are you ready? Hey everybody, it's time for please let
out of Lacy's dms. My dear welcome. So naturally, I
don't know about that song, Okay, I'm just gonna dive
(24:44):
right in. This first one is one of the most confusing,
garbled looking dms I've ever seen. So the man said
hello and sent me a picture of a collage that
he made. Now the is four squares, and in one
square it says happy holidays, that's right, and then diagonally
(25:09):
is just a cartoon picture of a dog. That's right.
Then in another square is him with his shirt off.
And then in the other corner it says sagittarius, oh
in bold letters, and it says, fuck what you heard.
I keep my circle small and my wall high. I
(25:29):
don't play games, and I'll treat you the same way
you treat me. Be careful not to underestimate me. My
heart is big, and I do love hard, but I
don't give a fuck even harder. Let's break all of
that down. Okay, happy pond, Happy Holiday. By the time
(25:49):
he got to the end, I forgot about happy holidays.
He started off well for me, started off for Christmas.
The cartoon dog in the corner does have on a
Christmas hat like that. So this is a little old
because we're already in July. Is July the shirt the
picture in the corner with the shirt off, you know,
that's oldest time everybody's got the shirt off. I don't
(26:10):
need to see that. But then the sagittarius and the cussing.
I don't know where to go. I don't know what
you're doing. Who told you to make that coloss? Why
are you sending that to a woman? I don't quite
understand how that happened. I don't know why would you
happy holiday? The fuck what you heard? So who's his circle?
That he likes to keep small? Him and that dog
(26:31):
him and his little dogs. For the way made any sense,
then that's not even his profile. His profile picture is
just a picture of him, and underneath it it says,
if you're too pretty or too sexy, don't like my
post or friend me because I will try to fuck you.
Oh there's a lot of things wrong. This is why
I need to start my business. Yeah, let me write
(26:52):
your profile, sir. Yeah, nobody's responding to anything. Nobody's responding
to that profile or happy holidays, just saiddays you gotta
shot have been like, that's cute, you gotta shot. All
four of those things make no sense. Yeah, they might
make each other worse. Were you high when you did that?
Because that should only be shown in the in the
(27:14):
month of December. Right, you thought that was so cute
and clever that you kept it and you that's what
you send to people. Happy paula days.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Can't make that up. You can't make that up. Amber Stop.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
If his name, if his name was Paul, we'd be
back in business. We'd all it'd be an old pun
but it's his favorite because his name is Paul. Wait
is his name Paul pa w l So you to stop,
I need you to stop, because no it is. It's
not Paul Lazy. Let him have just one date. No
(27:46):
happy paula days everyone. Maybe he meant pause and he's
gonna Paul all over you, okay and yeah, yeah, okay,
I've got to move on. Okay. This one says I'm
looking for a natual woman. Oh no fake eyelashes, no
excessive long ones, no excessive makeup, no tattoos, no filters,
(28:08):
no avatars, and please no pet I'm not interested in
seeing them. Just you must have more than one photo
and it must be current. No group photos. The biggest
red flag for me is a woman who's been married
or has grown children living with them. And if you're
a horoscope fanatic who asked what my sign is, and
(28:31):
you must be God fearing. Now this man said, hello,
would like to see you soon, if possible. That was
his message to me. So then I went to his profile. Yeah,
and you found something there that you like. You got
a lot of things going on, and guess what, Sorry,
I've been divorced ten times.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
I'm not for you.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Hey, no, I've only been divorced once, but you really
you try to find a woman that has not been
divorced and don't worry makeup? Get out of here. What
are you talking for a ten year old? And that's illegal? Dude?
Why can't she wear makeup? What's wrong with makeup? I
don't know. I don't like this lady. You got me
on the eyelashes. I only have three eyelashes, so you
(29:11):
would have you would have been in love. But I've
been dihorse standing. It's on my profile, so that means
you didn't even read. Reading is not one of the
things he was after. You didn't even read? And makeup, sir,
I'm wearing makeup. I'll wear it to bed. You can't
put some on you. How you going to act like
you don't need makeup? You can't tell me not to
wear makeup. I will do this real quick. I'll be like, okay,
(29:33):
so what are we doing? Okay? Hold on? Thank you? What? No?
Uh uh no, shame on him? No, that's lacey. No,
I'm not giving him a chance. Maybe he should give
him a chance. I'll go to cheesecake factory before I
give him a chance. Let's go Amber, Why are you
talking about the cheesecake factory. Don't you know I fuck
(29:54):
you up? Come here you will? Now I think Amber
would fight someone. It would. She would build up enough
strength and anger if someone said something bad about the cheesecake,
She'll come at you. It would be the last thing
my body does, But I would. She would die. She's
gonna die with cheesecake f You come and spit in
(30:14):
my face and everyone's like, oh, kill everybody in the place.
And I know, I know I'm Lace. I know the
cheesecake factory. I'm like, I'm way under there. I know that.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
I know I'm behind the Vanilla Bean cheesecake.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
I know I'm behind there, and I'm okay. Ain't nothing
in between cheesecake Factory and Lacey. But the space. The space. Guys.
Everything we say, we mean a thousand percent were We
do not exaggerate. We've never exaggerated. And I will tell
(30:49):
you this, Godfather's Pizza on Saddle Creek. I love that,
maybe as much as my daughter Imani. Don't listen to this,
she knows I love that. Yeah, that combo pizza. Yeah,
I do extra sauce. That's right. I'll jump in if
someone was shooting at it. I would jump in front
and not like the concept of Godfather's pizza. That pizza,
(31:10):
one of those pizzas from Godfathers.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
It's the combo.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Add my green pepper, extra sauce, and it's gotta be
the one from Saddle Creek. I don't do any other
ones because that's not the same. Whoever you are working
at Saddle Creek, you all need to raise It's the best.
It's the best. It is. Yeah, guys, Lacey and I
have a hot take. Okay, and no one likes this,
but deep down inside you know we're right. Yeah. All
(31:36):
New York pizza is trash. They're gonna get us suck them.
It's fucking trash.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
I'm at Omaha. They can't find me, but they're oh.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
They're behind you. No, I won't, I never will. New
York pizza is terrible. It's all then. There's barely any
sauce on it, barely any cheese. It's nothing. It's like
it's like what is left on a plate after you
have eaten an actual piece of pizza. And this is
why we were raised in the Midwest. We do pizza
(32:04):
the correct way. I like my pizza like I like
my men huscular huskins. Gotta pizza's got to bear. That's
pizza Detroit style. Great. It's Chicago deep dish, great and
regular ass. I feel like Godfather's pizza is normal. That's
the minimum normal. There should be stuff on it. Like
(32:25):
if I like, you know how people in New York
will be like, oh I can eat four pizza pizza yeah,
no shit, yes, no shit. Then if the window clows
and your pizza gets caught up like a kite and
shoots away, that's a bad pizza. I'm sorry. You can
see through this shit over here. It's like on a
piece of paper. Even if all of it was the
best taste you've ever tasted, ain't but a whisper of it.
(32:47):
It weighs a gram. That's not pizza. Not sorry, guys,
And we'll fight anyone who says otherwise. We will fight you,
And yes you will, but you will feel so bad
that you hit me in the face because pizza. That's right,
(33:08):
Because our jaws work, because we're strong food. We had
to chew that mug a little whisper of it like
a newspaper. It's like you use newspaper to stop up
some tomato. Souper. Sorry, guys, and that couldn't possibly be
what we're talking about. Okay, we have to reel this in,
(33:36):
okay and get into sister court right now, guys. And
I can I point out that today's guest was Beyonce,
but we just we're gonna get to her, Okay. We
just have to keep soon Beyonce. We have things to
talk about. As soon as we're done with this one,
we will be bringing out Beyonce. And once again, everything
(33:56):
you hear on this podcast is true.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
It's the truth.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
It's the truths true. Okay, Beyonce, stop, we're getting to you. Okay,
Sister Core is starting now. There is one true thing
about the justice system and that sisters are doing it
for themselves. Sisters are doing it for them saves. You
(34:20):
remember that song, No, you don't remember the song sisters
are doing it for themselves because it was such a
terrible song that my mind said, please don't ever remember
that the might dick clean And I'm okay. Sometimes that happens.
Sometimes you're a terrible song. You're like, oh god, I
remember that song because your mind helped you out, and
you look at you just trying to bring it back
I never singing that. Who so maybe the same people
(34:44):
who sing it's rain and men. Oh? Is that Weather girls?
The Weather Girls? Are you looking? Please look this up?
The song barely sounds familiar. Oh no, it's a white woman,
look at you. Wait, it's a lot. Oh it's the
oh lady, it's Annie Lenox. Oh okay. And Aretha Franklin.
(35:05):
I consider the Franklin Oh my god, the Eurythmics featuring
Aretha Franklin. Well well, well, well, well look, Annie Lennox
can come to the barbecue. That woman's got some soul
and you can't tell me otherwise. She's great.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
I do love Annie Lennox.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Everyone loves Annie Lennox. Okay, mister Court, ever stay on track.
I'm trying to, but Beyonce won't stop bothering me. Beyonce,
You're gonna be on in ten to twenty minutes. Okay,
Sister Court, we really don't have a judge right now,
(35:43):
so we are the judge, the jury, the prosecution, and
the executioner. And the executioner one of us will be
executed by the end of this what I'll read the
very first sister Court scenario. I need some advice, my
husband of twenty eight years, loves ping outside. Let's stop
right there, divorce. But anyway, we have a little yard
(36:05):
outside our kitchen window and he keeps peeing there. No,
I can't stand the smell of it anymore. Last year
he was even arrested for indecent exposure No, because he
peed in a public park. No, I feel like I
can't take this anymore? What should I do? Amber?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I'm gonna let you take this.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Do you have a clothes pin, Take it and pinch
it on the tip of his wiener. Tell him if
he keeps it there the whole time you're out, he
can get a treat when he gets home. Okay, no peepe,
no public peepee. But really, what you should do is
every time he pee's outside, you should pee outside. Fucking
drop trow and let her rip and that that'll stop him,
(36:47):
Because I mean, I do think this is a fire
or bowl offence. And I realize you're saying husband of
twenty eight years, right, So it's gonna be a tough separation.
But Giru, you have to plan to go to the
back through better than you're currently doing. This is why
I should have been a therapist. First of all, you
waited way too long, twenty eight years. It's hard to
(37:07):
stop a twenty eight year habit. Also, this ain't the
only gross ass thing this man is doing being out.
If he's paying outside, then he's not flushing the toilet,
he's not showering, He don't brush his teeth, he eats
with his mouth open. He does a whole bunch of stuff.
So I don't know where to begin, but you better
(37:27):
it's past whatever you think.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
You need to give him an ultimatum.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
You stop cold turkey right now, or I'm moving in
with my friends, or you're gonna have to move out.
He's gonna come home, change the locks's closer outside. He
can't be paying outside. That's a discussed disgusting dude. You
can smell it. It's by the kitchen when you said
that for a reason. Now it's wafting through the kitchen.
App solutely if you I don't make house calls, but
(37:52):
if you need me to come over there with my
rainbow earrings, I'm coming. We're gonna salt. We're gonna solve
this today. This can be solved overnight. This you have
to be serious, Shirley. I don't know if your name
is Shirley, Shirley, this has to be solved. I'm upset
for you this song. Tonight, revenue meeting, get an intervention.
(38:12):
He's got his friends called Stanley, the one with the
with the nice fingernails, Call Stanley over his brother, whoever
you can get, put him in a circle, and everybody's
talking about how disgusting, shame his ass, shame him. The
man who's been to jail over ping. That's disgusting, dude.
I don't know if you're gonna be able to stop this.
You got to take a great hard stance, and if
it keeps going, get out of there. Let somebody else
(38:34):
deal with pp. I have something horrible to say. Go ahead.
He might be constantly peeing outside because he wants people
to see his wiener exactly. So if he can't stop,
you're out. I mean, I think he just he's peeing, sure,
but he's also might be just like enjoying showing people
is wiener. And I'm sorry that I had to take
it to a real and horrible place. But we took
(38:57):
a vow here at Sister Court we would take your
cases seriously, and we seriously, and that's the serious part
of it. The fun part is it's gross. The serious
part is this man might enjoy showing people this widner guilty.
Exhibitionists guilty, He's guilty, he's guilty. Case two. I'm a
retired introvert. Do you think it's okay if I don't
(39:18):
open the door when someone who I didn't invite comes knocking?
Like if someone comes to the house to try to
sell me something, Can I just ignore them and wait
for them to go away? Bitch the fuck? Yes? Of course.
Why would you think you have to answer your door?
The only call you have to answer is the call
the lord gives you. Yes, Lacy, Okay, I do not
(39:42):
like to stereotype people at all, but I think this
is coming from a white collar white collar Black people
have been doing this for years. I don't answer the
door for anyone if you didn't call first. My mom
won't answer the door for me if if I don't
show up, she's like, text you did you call first?
You do not do that? If I go back in time, Yeah,
(40:03):
and to warn myself of something, I'm not opening up
the door for myself. It's not going to you don't
do that. You unless you call first, you don't know
what you don't legally. Oh, come on, now, all the
laws don't do that. Don't open up the door for anyone.
But the first black law is don't open up the
door for a stranger. No, or if they did not
(40:25):
call first, you don't open the door. I'll be looking
at them through the window. Don't open up the door. No,
you don't have to do that, absolutely not. Sorry, guys, Okay, No,
you don't have to open the door. Don't open the door,
innocent technically, okay. Gavel gabble, Class class gavel gabble. When
should I give up my seat on a flight? I'm okay, sorry, sorry,
(40:47):
I'm sorry. I don't need to read the rest of this.
You don't ever ever have to give up your seat
on a flight. You took the time out to pay
for your ticket, You got this flight early enough to
where you could sit exactly in the plane where you
want to sit. Why the fuck would you give up
your seat? I wouldn't give up my seat for anybody.
(41:08):
Finish reading it? You mean me? Oh, I'm still right?
When should I give up my seat on a flight?
I'm a healthy male in my forties and was settling
in on a fifteen hour flight I'd paid a bit
extra to sit by the window so I could rest
my head against the wall where I was sitting the
center and as'll seat were empty. After dinner had been served,
an elderly woman came up and asked if she could
have the window seat, something about neck pain and wanting
(41:30):
to rest her head against the wall or something. I
politely declined, and she understood. But now I feel a
little bad. Should I have given up my seat? Buck? No, No,
absolutely not. You're right. I No, you're right, and I'm
terrified to fly and I have to be in a
certain spot otherwise I'm gonna I'm gonna lose it even
more than i'm gonna. Look Yeah, so yeah, you're right,
you're right now, Amber, Yes, it's a pregnant woman, as
(41:52):
she needs that spot? Is she standing other way? No
one needs like That's what I'm saying. It's a seat.
We all have seats. Sit in the seat where you're sitting. Well, Amber,
don't joke about her flights. Amber does not joke. You're
not getting that seat from her, You're not. I mark
my calendar twenty one days ahead of the day so
(42:13):
that that's when I buy my ticket because that's when
I read an article fourteen years ago that tickets were cheapest,
and I'm still doing it even though that may it
be true. I'm planning my shit. I triple plan shit.
There's no way my plans are going to change my
ultimate plan being very comfortable and very happy. Cause you
didn't plan right? Fuck you wan, no fucking way come
(42:36):
to amber. Now you're swearing never Oh lord, Okay, guys,
I love yelling.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
You do all right?
Speaker 1 (42:44):
So guilty not guilty? Innocent innocent on those episodes when
I'm reading the next one. Now, when you have reservations
at a restaurant, are you just supposed to cut in
front of everyone to announce yourself to the host? Last weekend,
my husband and I had reservs at a restaurant. When
we arrived, there was a small line at the host
station of people waiting to be seated. He went straight
(43:07):
to the front of the line to tell the hosts
we were there, which I thought was super rude. We
argued about it enough that we just left the restaurant.
So who's right, my husband for cutting or me wanting
to wait in line? I think that you can sound
like you cut in line. You kind of go on
the side and be like, cause, listen, I don't know
how long that line gonna be.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
What I don't know?
Speaker 1 (43:29):
I mean, how long was the line? If I'm there
on time for my reservation, is the line ten minutes?
I don't know how long the line is. If it's
a very short line, I might wait, but after a while,
if I'm sitting there, I.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
Need to get seated.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
I'm sorry you people obviously didn't have a reservation.
Speaker 2 (43:44):
I don't know, amber, I don't know. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Okay. First of all, just because you're at the back
of the line doesn't mean everyone else in front of
you doesn't have a reservation too Ever, they all could.
The line isn't there because people didn't make reservations. The
line is there because this person is slow at seating people.
I mean, not necessarily, but it could be. That could
be the case. It could be that they're having a
(44:06):
slow time turning over the tables. That could also be
the case. But it's entirely possible that everyone has a reservation. Also,
this is I feel like some white to be like,
can I go to the front of the line because
I'm special? No, we all are hungry. We all want
(44:27):
going to the front, Danjoe doing the line. I've been
doing it to us for years. I'm going to the
front to see what's gonna Also, no, you not remember
when we were at PF. Chang's and those two white
people pushed us out of the way to stand it.
I have no memory of that, but I'm one hundred
percent short happened. It was at the end of a
really racist day, and it made us laugh so hard.
(44:49):
We just didn't have the energy. But what's so sad
is that stuff happens to us all the time that
I can't remember it. It was the same day that
guy made us wait for like fifteen minutes at Home
Depot while we were just sitting there trying to check out.
It was where we were after that, the home Depot day. Now,
that was hilarious. Home it was pretty It's pretty Yeah,
(45:09):
that was a pretty bad day. Look, this is where
we have a split decision. I think you cannot just
go to the front. The line is there so that
you can talk to the person, So obey the line
you don't get to that's not what a reservation is
there so that when you get to the front of
the line, you get to sit down. That's what the
reservation is. You didn't reserve the front of the line.
(45:32):
You're going to do it this week. I'm gonna do
it this week, and I'm gonna get back to you,
but I'm peeking around. I'm gonna be like, I have
a reservation. I'm just gonna I'm not getting in front
of them. I'm to the side because they might be like,
oh okay, Sherry see these people and still.
Speaker 2 (45:43):
Way, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm
gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
No, absolutely no, And they're not giving away your table
the next time.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
I'm with you, I'm doing it with No, don't do
it with me.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
I'm gonna be like, Hi, I'm Amber roughing bitches seat No,
Well I do it all the time anyways, So we
should ask the the hostess.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
We're going to find out.
Speaker 1 (46:01):
We're going to find out the etiquette is what the
etiquette is. But I'm right, and that's it. Hey you guys,
Oh my god, Beyonce. I'm so sorry Beyonce. Next week,
next week, we love you'll definitely get on the show
and we're sorry. God, I love you. Hey, everybody, This
was the Amber Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. We'd like
to thank our sponsors, Cheesecake Factory, Beyonce. Uh, you know,
(46:32):
we'd like to thank the Rhythmics, just all of our
sponsors that make this show possible. I like love on
Top babe, Okay, but Lacey, what else you should follow us?
On social media? I'm Amber Ruffin, that's probably across all platforms,
and I'm Lacey Lamar one'ld trying to figure out how
to post things. But I'm doing that. Guys, she's really
(46:53):
You gotta give her some encouragement. So hey everyone, we
love you. Let's get married. Okay, goodbye bye, love me,
Love me. The Amber and Lacey Lacy and Amber Show
is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and
(47:13):
iHeartRadio podcast. It's created and hosted by Amber Ruffin and
Lacy Lamar. Executive produced by Noah Avoar and Hans Sni.
Super produced by Becca Raimos. Because She's a Superhero co
produced by Victor Wright, Edited and mixed by Ty Herd.
Music by David schmol
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