February 13, 2025 • 28 mins
Amy covers 4 totally different things!
First Thing: A heartfelt email from a listener sharing five lessons grief has taught after unexpectedly losing her husband.
Second Thing: Brain exercises to boost concentration, beat distractions, and strengthen memory.
Third Thing: Why we crave closure, why we can get stuck in the “why” trap, and how shifting our mindset can help us heal, move forward, and reclaim our peace.
Fourth Thing: A game-changing tip for parents or co-parents This episode is a mix of heartfelt and practical…hope you enjoy it!
HOST: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Good cats up thing, little food for yourself life. Oh
it's pretty, but hey, it's pretty beautiful thing beautiful. That
for a little more exciting, said, he cut your kicking
(00:30):
with four Thing with Amy Brown.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Happy Thursday.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Four Things Amy here, and I got four totally different
things for you. So what we call an OG four
things episode. Now, the first thing I'm going to get
into is a heartfelt email that I got from a listener,
and she's sharing with us five lessons that grief has
taught her. She unexpectedly lost her husband and her story
is very very powerful. Second thing, I got more brain
(00:56):
exercises for you. Yeah, you'll like the ones that Kat
and I went over. We're on Tuesday, so I've got
some more that'll help you boost concentration and beat distraction.
And then the third thing is going to be about closure.
Sometimes we crave it and we get stuck in a
y trap and we can't move forward unless we have
(01:17):
that full closure. So I've got some tips for you
on that. This is something I had to revisit for
myself recently, so I thought it might be helpful for you.
And then the fourth thing, I've got a game changing
tip for parents or co parents. I mean, this episode
is definitely a mix of some heartfelt stuff and just
really practical helpful things, So hope you enjoy it. Here
(01:38):
we go, first man, Right, yeah, all right. So the
other day I was in my four Things podcast email
inbox and I saw an email come in from a
listener named Audra, and in the subject line it said
grateful young widow. So I clicked on it, knowing that
it's probably going to be on the heavier side of things.
(02:00):
And as of course, as I read the email, I thought, oh,
my gosh, I can't even imagine going through what she
went through, And I'm thankful that she's sharing some of
her story in the email, and I'll read that to
you in just a second. What I was very grateful
for that she included was in the email she talked
about how at the five year anniversary of her husband's death,
she decided to compile the top five lessons that grief
(02:22):
has taught her, and she took screenshot of that of
what she put on socials at the five year mark,
and she attached it at the bottom of the email,
along with a picture of her and her kids from
this last Christmas and a picture of her husband Ryan,
So I love when there are photos I can put
a face to a name. And I'm just very thankful
(02:43):
to Audra for opening up and sharing some of her
story with us. And I know that this will be
helpful for somebody listening right now. You may not be
grieving the loss of a significant other, maybe grieving something
else in lifefe, but whatever you take from this, I
know that it'll be helpful, whether for now or stick
(03:06):
it in your pocket for later, because grief is unavoidable. Hey, Amy,
I wanted to share with you that I love listening
to the Bobby Bone Show and I look forward to
Tuesdays and Thursdays to hear your little nuggets of wisdom
for the week. They somehow always resonate with whatever I'm
thinking about or going through at the moment. Five and
a half years ago, my husband Ryan, who was forty
(03:28):
three at the time, unexpectedly passed away. He had an
undiagnosed heart condition, went into cardiac arrest and crashed while
driving into work one rainy August morning. Because his heart
had stopped, he went without oxygen for too long and
suffered severe brain damage. He was put on life support
and I had to make the decision to finally let
(03:49):
him go. I suddenly became a widow at the age
of forty two, with three young children to raise. Alexa
had just turned fourteen in July, Olivia turned eleven five
days after Ryan passed, and my son Jase had just
turned six in June. As you know, there are so
many facets to grief, and on the five year anniversary
(04:12):
of Ryan's death this past year, I shared the top
of five lessons grief taught me. I knew by being
vulnerable it had to help someone else who was trying
to navigate their way through grief. I've heard you talk
about Pegosa Springs, Colorado often. I've never known anyone else
to talk about this beautiful, quaint town.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
You see.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
A month before my husband passed away, we drove with
our three kids from Iowa to meet up with my parents, sister,
her family, and brother, who all also live in Colorado.
We all went to Pegosa Springs for a week. We
later realized it would be the last family vacation we
would have with Ryan. We made so many memories and
shared so many laughs on that trip. We even spontaneously
(04:57):
had our family pictures taken while we were there. I
thank God every day for those photos. I never got
to visit your sister and brother in law's coffee shop,
but I desperately want to go back one day. Pagosa
Springs has a special place in my heart. I appreciate
the pieces of your life's journey you've shared post divorce,
navigating new relationships and just trying to do life without
(05:20):
a partner. Ryan's death was tragic and he will always
be a part of my life. But without the heart ache, grief,
and pain, I would not have experienced true love with
him or had the opportunity to figure out who I am,
what I want in this life, and what my journey
is all about. For that, I have gratitude, and while
I'm not dating currently, if and when the right man
(05:42):
does come along, I will be going into the relationship
as the best version of myself and have the ability
to navigate the challenges of life with confidence, emotional maturity,
and grace. Kind regards Odra. So that's the email she wrote,
and then, as I mentioned, she attached what she posted
(06:04):
on socials for the five year anniversary and the five
lessons she has learned from grief. So I'm just going
to read her entire post. In order to heal after loss,
you have to grieve. Grieving is a powerful emotion that
evolves from a loss's impact on your heart. The grief
(06:25):
journey becomes each person's unique story. It is nonlinear and
undefined by timelines or hard fast rules. Five years ago today,
my husband Ryan was on his way into work. An
unknown heart condition caused him to suddenly go into cardiac arrest.
His truck veered off the road and crashed at the
(06:46):
bottom of a steep ditch. Ryan's heart had stopped for
too long and the impact of the crash was severe.
On August twenty first, twenty nineteen, I was told there
was no hope for recovery, and I had to make
a decision whether to leave him on life support. Because
I knew what Ryan's wishes were, I finally let him go.
(07:07):
The days in ICU with Ryan and the week that
followed were the hardest, saddest days of my life. My
journey to healing has taken a lot of time and work.
I started by trying to pick up the biggest broken pieces. First,
I found a new normal for the kids, and I
put my heart and soul into making sure we were
(07:30):
not only going to survive, but thrive. Working through grief
and trauma has taught me so much, but I would
say these are the top five lessons. One. Grief is
the price you pay for love. Grief has a lot
of emotions attached to it that don't feel good. There's anger, sadness,
(07:52):
what ifs, resentment, and so much more. However, it's important
to remember these feelings wouldn't exist if you hadn't experience
It's the greatest gift of all love. Two events in
your life become a before and an after. In the after,
you're not the same person you are in the before.
(08:13):
Since Ryan's death, I have been able to connect to
the lost and forgotten parts of myself. I know I
can do hard things. I love my people hard and
make sure that they know and feel my love. I
know who I am, and I have a clear vision
of the life I want to create. I find joy
in life's smallest, simplest moments and cherish time and relationships
(08:35):
others may take for granted.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Three.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
I figured out there is meaning behind the five stages
of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. As I look
back on my own grief journey, I saw myself in
each of those stages without even realizing it. If you
are open to it, a good therapist can help you
unpack and identify the why behind the mix of emotions
(09:00):
your feeling.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Four. Gratitude is a gift.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
However, it took me a long time to find it
after a traumatic loss, it is very difficult to see
gratitude amongst the anger, sadness, and tears. By giving myself
grace and space, it has allowed me to see the
blessings that I still had in front of me. A
piece of healing is eventually finding the rainbow after the storm.
(09:26):
Five It's okay to not be okay. There are times
when grief will still sneak up on you out of nowhere,
But you know your healing when you were able to
acknowledge your feelings, let yourself feel what you need to feel,
and move forward without staying under the black cloud that
(09:47):
grief can put you under. So there you go the
five lessons grief has taught her, and she shared that
on the five year anniversary of her husband's passing. So Odre,
thank you so much much for sharing some of your
story with us, and I really hope you get to
go back to Pagosa one day and take your kids
(10:10):
and relive some of those memories that you'll had and
have some of the laughter, and it'll feel like your
husband is there with you. Maybe even one day you
go with a new partner and you find a partner
that will allow Ryan to still be a part of
your life, a part of your family, part of your kids' lives.
Believe it or not, there are some people that may
(10:32):
not be able to handle something like that, But there
is someone out there that would be able to take
a trip like that and really make it special and
acknowledge all of the memories that were made and create
new memories with you, but still having that presence of
Ryan with y'all all the time, without any fear that
you don't care for them. You only care for Ryan.
(10:55):
You can still love Ryan and love this new partner.
And I only share this because Audre and I have
been emailing back and forth a little bit since she
sent this note, and I know she's not dating yet,
and she mentioned that in the email. But there is
hope and she may find someone at some point, and.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
In my mind, I'm just picturing them taking a trip
to Pagosa. All is one big, happy family, and stop
and buy the coffee shop.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
You gotta go buy Roothhouse. That will definitely be special.
I love Pagosa.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
If y'all are ever in southern Colorado, definitely swing through.
Sit in the hot springs, go for a hike, and
then yeah, Roothhouse Coffee right along the river.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
It's my sister's coffee shop.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
And you can go get a cup of good coffee,
a latte, or you can even have a cocktail. They
serve those as well. Really good ranch waters, really good
cinnamon buns. Now, oh kish Now, I'm just thinking all
of the amazing things that my sister has on the
menu there. But I love that you shared some of
your story with us, Audre, and I know that it
will resonate with somebody. Whatever it is that you are grieving.
(11:58):
It may not be the loss of a part. We
all are going to agrieve in life. It's unavoidable. But
I specially loved Adra's first lesson that she shared. It's
the price you pay for love, and that's one of
the greatest gifts. So thank you, Audra. Second, on Tuesday's
(12:19):
fifth Thing, Kat and I went over adhd exercises for
focus and productivity. And today I've got more for you,
but these are for focus and memory. The first brain
hack skill exercise. If you heard Kat and I'm talking
on Tuesday, she really did not like that I was
calling these brain hacks. So whatever, I just feel like
that's an easier way to say it. So the first
(12:40):
brain hack I've got for you is the memory place game.
And this is best for strengthening your working memory, which
if you've got ADHD, you struggle with this, But maybe
you don't have ADHD, but you're like, oh, I am
having some memory issues.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
This will work for you too.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
So what you need to do is visualize a place
you know well, like your house. Assign objects or words
to different rooms. This will help with recall. So an
example would be if you need to remember your grocery list,
picture milk in your fridge, bananas on your couch, and
bread in your bed. Now, the more ridiculous the imagery,
(13:18):
the easier it is to remember. It's called the memory
Place game. And I know this sounds a little cuckoo,
but it works. The second hack is the brain dump method. Now,
this is best for racing thoughts.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Or idea overload.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
What you need to do is set a five minute
timer and write down every thought that is swirling in
your head. No filtering, you're just right, right, right, right right.
This helps clear mental clutters so that you can focus
on what actually matters. And a little bonus tip for
this is use different color pins for priorities versus random thoughts.
(13:54):
Third brain hack the dopamine menu. Now, this is for motivation.
Really will help you be boredom or task paralysis. So
what you got to do is make a list of
things that boost your dopamine like music, movement, certain snacks,
a book that you love, a show. What's something that
(14:15):
boosts your dopamine and when you need motivation, pick one
dopamine booster first, then start your task. Example, before I
do emails, I'll listen to one hype song, or before
I clean, I'll have a snack and put on my
favorite podcast. That's a little dopamine menu. Like, you make
(14:35):
the menu and then you know what you're gonna do
before each thing to get your dopamine hit. Next tack
is the clocks everywhere trick. This is best for time blindness. Now,
ADHD brains lose track of time constantly so what we
gotta do is put visible clocks everywhere, not just on
our phones. We needn't have timers and alarms for everything,
(14:59):
set reminders five to ten minutes before you need to leave.
Like if y'all were to open up in my clock
app on my phone, you would see so many timers
and alarms for everything. Because that's what I have to
do to help keep myself on track. It's very helpful.
Or if I'm in my house, I'll ask Alexa to
set a timer for something. I just need this because
(15:21):
time blindness is very very real for me. Right. The
final hack, which honestly, I'm not even sure I could
pull this one off, but it's called the one tab
role for productivity. It's best for preventing distractions while working.
And let me tell you, in ADHD brain loves opening
one hundred tabs and then forgetting what they're doing completely.
(15:42):
This little tip wants you to commit to one tab
at a time. If you need another, you write it
down instead of opening up a tab immediately. You can
only go back to it like you write it down,
and then when you're done with one tab, then you
can type in what you need to do, like right now,
on my computer. I have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.
(16:06):
I have fourteen tabs open, which honestly is not that bad.
But I know what all those tabs mean, and I
actually thrive with the tabs. But I'm sure there is
something to the one tab roll, and I'd probably thrive
even more if I would try this tip out. But
some of them I keep open because I know I'm
going to.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Go back to them.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
But I do see the idea behind executing getting rid
of one tab boom, and then going to your list,
what was the next tab I need to open?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
So one tab role.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
If you want to try that one out, let me
know if any of these work for you.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Here we got third day.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
All right, let's talk about closure, because well, I think
this is something that we've likely all struggled with at
some point, like whether it's a breakup or a friendship
that fizzled or ended, or just any situation that never
fully has been resolved. It's really really hard to move
on without that final answer. And I will say, sometimes
(17:10):
we want to receive that final answer, but also sometimes
we want to give other people closure because we feel
like it will be good for them, when maybe that's
not necessarily our role. You may not have to provide that,
So that's a whole other thing to work through as well.
But I read something from psychologists Kavyat Shrivastov. Totally not
(17:31):
sure if I'm saying her name right, but I gave
it my best shot and it really hit close to home.
She said, closure isn't about what the other person gives you,
It's about how you process what happened.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Now.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
The main reasons behind why we crave closure are pretty obvious. Obviously,
it helps us find peace after being hurt. It stops
us from just ruminating over it, obsessing over any answered
questions that we have. It helps us move forward without
(18:06):
lingering regrets of sorts, and pretty much closure is like
ceiling an emotional envelope. That's how I visualize it in
my head, like you're able to just close it shut
without it, you keep going into the envelope to reread
all the old stuff, the letters, the messages, and you
(18:29):
try to make it make sense and you can't. And
the hard truth about closure is sometimes we think that
it has to come from the other person, like we
need to hear them explain or apologize or even validate
whatever it is that happened, But that's not always going
(18:49):
to happen again because they don't even owe it to us.
Now in some circumstances, Yes it's not a blanket statement,
but let's just say, for the sake of this thing,
it's never going to happen. You're not going to get
the closure. So then what what do you do? Well,
that's when you get stuck in the wide trap and
you're like, why did they do this? Was it me?
What could I have done differently? How could I fix it?
(19:12):
And those types of questions will leave us spiraling forever.
So the key for us is to accept that we
don't need all the answers to move forward. And I
have had to practice this multiple times in my adult life,
and I wish I better understood this as a teen
(19:32):
and a young young adult as well, because the power
of acceptance is so good. And now that I know acceptance,
it just helps me. And I know that it could
sound like if you're accepting that, you're just kind of
rolling over and being like, Okay, cool, you know this
horrible thing happened and I'm fine with it. But that's
not what the acceptance part is. Acceptance just means that
(19:54):
you're not going to fight it. You're going to fight
what's happening. It means instead of obsessing over why something happened,
you focus on what you can do next. A little
mantra that I had in my back pocket for twenty twenty,
twenty twenty one, twenty twenty two, like, I was using
this one a lot. I may not understand it, but
(20:16):
I can heal anyway. Because there was so much I
wasn't understanding and I didn't have answers to, but I
knew I had the ability to heal anyway. Sometimes it
was hard for me to just move on. I didn't
like the idea of that, so I would think of
it more as like moving along or moving forward, Like
(20:39):
despite what was happening, I was going to move forward.
Sometimes I would move backwards, but at least I was moving.
It's a small shift from the word moving on to
moving forward, but for me it made a big difference.
It felt more practical and less forced. The energy a
(21:00):
little bit different. I don't know see if that resonates
with you, Like if you say I'm moving on or
I'm moving forward, there's different energy there. So then comes
the time where you'd have to really give yourself closure Again,
It's not coming from the other person, it is coming
from within you. At the end of the day, finding
closure is you choosing yourself because you're not going to
(21:22):
let those thoughts take up any more space rent free
in your brain. So one thing you need to do
because who knows how long you've been thinking these thoughts.
I mean some of you listening right now, I know
we're holding onto things from ten years ago and you
want closure and you have been wondering why for the
last ten years or maybe it was just ten days ago. Well,
(21:44):
this is going to be awesome for you to be
reminded of this. I'm not saying anything new, by the way,
and I'm gathering a lot of different things that I
was taught over the last five years that I learned.
Some of this I picked up in alan On. That
is all about surrender releasing control. When you are stuck
in trying to figure out the why of what happened,
(22:07):
and you are stuck wanting closure from somebody else, this
is the opposite of surrendering. You have to focus on
what you can control, and you can't control that So
whether you've been trying to operate that way, like I said,
for ten years or ten days, pause and forgive yourself
for holding on for however long it was. Let go
(22:28):
of any resentment towards the person. You don't want to
carry that around, and then prioritize peace.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
If you are.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Waiting on that one last conversation or that one last explanation,
just know that you don't actually need it. Your piece
is within you. It's not dependent on what they do.
This is honestly one of those things like when I
was typing out what I wanted to say about this,
I'm like, oh, I need to email this to myself
(22:56):
so I can go back and read it when I
need it, or maybe I'll pull this part of the
podcast and listen to it when I need it, because
I think we all crave closure, and we can know
that this is what we need to do to let
it go and not get all wrapped up, and that
we need answers from somebody else when we're trying to
force it. Now, if someone wants to volunteer that information,
(23:21):
that's totally fine, But does knowing that really change things
for you?
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Fully?
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I know there are things that I have ended where
I believe the person would appreciate more closure. And at
the same time, I felt like what I was able
to share was enough without getting wrapped back up into
unhealthy patterns that we were in. So also, like I
(23:46):
said at the beginning of this thing, is sometimes we
feel the need to over explain why we're making a
decision so that we can protect that other person's feelings.
That is not our responsibility as long as we're doing
something in a kind way and staying on our side
of the street. And what you're trying to do when
you're trying to get closure from somebody else is you're
(24:07):
going into their side of the street. You need to
focus on your side of the street, whether you're the
one wanting the closure or you're the one that is
ending something and you feel like you need to give
all of this closure so they feel better. I think
you can express things in a concise, kind way on
your side of the street.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
But if you start to get.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Into all of the nitty gritty of you did this
and you did that, and that's not staying on your
side of the street. And so sometimes it's best to
just keep it brief and respectful and kind the other
person might be hurt by that, and you can feel
it's okay to feel that pain. I have certainly felt
it before, and it's not fun. It's not fun. But
(24:48):
at the end of the day, we all have to
protect our own peace. So I hope if there's something
that you need to accept that this will be that
final little kick in the pants to do it, give
yourself the closure you need. You're able to do it
without anybody else. All right. This final thing is a
(25:23):
parenting tip, but you don't have to be married parents
to do it. You could be co parents. Now. I
will say I was talking about this with one of
my friends who has like a loser ex husband, Like
he is a loser with a capital L.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
So she was like, this would never work.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Yeah, right, there's nothing positive about my kid's dad that
I can say, because that's that's the tip, is to
brag about your partner or your ex in front of
your child or children. And she was like, I can't
do it. I can't think of anything. And I'm like,
surely you can think of something, and I know that
she can deep down. Now there might be someone that's
(26:00):
even like loser all capital letters and so in that case,
you can just throw this tip out the window. I
don't need you to find ways to brag about that
type of person. But if you're in an okay, ish
to healthy relationship with your partner or your ex. Hopefully
if it's your partner, you're in a healthy relationship. But
I guess I'm focusing on the X thing since I'm
(26:22):
divorced and my friend that I was talking to is divorced.
But if you have opportunities to brag about your partner
in front of your child or children, it's so good.
It models kindness and appreciation at home. Your child will
start to notice the small efforts that you and others
put in. They'll also start expressing their appreciation out loud,
(26:44):
which is huge because here's the deal. If they hear
us criticize or focus on someone's mistakes, they will learn
to do the same. You know, where kids are paying
attention to everything and picking things up like sponges. But
Ben and I are really trying to do this. We're
trying to be complimentary of each other in front of
the kids, and we try to have a united front
(27:07):
so the kids don't try to take advantage of anything, like, oh,
I'm going to say this in front of mom and
do this in front of dad, and and they have
this whole scheme going on. We talk about everything, and
we keep each other in the loop, so nothing's getting
by us.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
And we're not always perfect.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I've told stories on here before like our co parenting
relationship is far from perfect. But this is also a
challenge for me. Even though I already do it, I'm
going to try to look for more opportunities to do it,
to brag on their dad in front of them. And
I may need to remind him to make sure he's
doing that about me in front of them.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Huh.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I'm sure he does it all the time. I'm sure
he can't help himself.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Just kidding. Okay, Well, that's it. That's today's episode. I
hope y'all are having the day that you need to have.
And if you want to send us any of your
thoughts about any of this, or any story you have
to share, or anything going in your life, or any
question that you have for Kat and myself coming up
on a fifth Thing episode or something for Outweigh that's
coming up, or you've got something on your mind that's
(28:10):
body image, body dysmorphia, food, related that would fall into
the outwagh category. But you can email me at four
Things with Amy Brown at gmail dot com and just
put outwegh in the title and I'll see that. Leanne
and I are going to be recording some episodes soon,
so I always like to see what y'all would like
to hear about. So yeah, I hope y'all are having
the day that you need to have and I'll talk
(28:31):
to you later.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Bye.
Good cats up thing, little food for yourself life. Oh
it's pretty, but hey, it's pretty beautiful thing beautiful. That
for a little more exciting, said, he cut your kicking
(00:30):
with four Thing with Amy Brown.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Happy Thursday.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Four Things Amy here, and I got four totally different
things for you. So what we call an OG four
things episode. Now, the first thing I'm going to get
into is a heartfelt email that I got from a listener,
and she's sharing with us five lessons that grief has
taught her. She unexpectedly lost her husband and her story
is very very powerful. Second thing, I got more brain
(00:56):
exercises for you. Yeah, you'll like the ones that Kat
and I went over. We're on Tuesday, so I've got
some more that'll help you boost concentration and beat distraction.
And then the third thing is going to be about closure.
Sometimes we crave it and we get stuck in a
y trap and we can't move forward unless we have
(01:17):
that full closure. So I've got some tips for you
on that. This is something I had to revisit for
myself recently, so I thought it might be helpful for you.
And then the fourth thing, I've got a game changing
tip for parents or co parents. I mean, this episode
is definitely a mix of some heartfelt stuff and just
really practical helpful things, So hope you enjoy it. Here
(01:38):
we go, first man, Right, yeah, all right. So the
other day I was in my four Things podcast email
inbox and I saw an email come in from a
listener named Audra, and in the subject line it said
grateful young widow. So I clicked on it, knowing that
it's probably going to be on the heavier side of things.
(02:00):
And as of course, as I read the email, I thought, oh,
my gosh, I can't even imagine going through what she
went through, And I'm thankful that she's sharing some of
her story in the email, and I'll read that to
you in just a second. What I was very grateful
for that she included was in the email she talked
about how at the five year anniversary of her husband's death,
she decided to compile the top five lessons that grief
(02:22):
has taught her, and she took screenshot of that of
what she put on socials at the five year mark,
and she attached it at the bottom of the email,
along with a picture of her and her kids from
this last Christmas and a picture of her husband Ryan,
So I love when there are photos I can put
a face to a name. And I'm just very thankful
(02:43):
to Audra for opening up and sharing some of her
story with us. And I know that this will be
helpful for somebody listening right now. You may not be
grieving the loss of a significant other, maybe grieving something
else in lifefe, but whatever you take from this, I
know that it'll be helpful, whether for now or stick
(03:06):
it in your pocket for later, because grief is unavoidable. Hey, Amy,
I wanted to share with you that I love listening
to the Bobby Bone Show and I look forward to
Tuesdays and Thursdays to hear your little nuggets of wisdom
for the week. They somehow always resonate with whatever I'm
thinking about or going through at the moment. Five and
a half years ago, my husband Ryan, who was forty
(03:28):
three at the time, unexpectedly passed away. He had an
undiagnosed heart condition, went into cardiac arrest and crashed while
driving into work one rainy August morning. Because his heart
had stopped, he went without oxygen for too long and
suffered severe brain damage. He was put on life support
and I had to make the decision to finally let
(03:49):
him go. I suddenly became a widow at the age
of forty two, with three young children to raise. Alexa
had just turned fourteen in July, Olivia turned eleven five
days after Ryan passed, and my son Jase had just
turned six in June. As you know, there are so
many facets to grief, and on the five year anniversary
(04:12):
of Ryan's death this past year, I shared the top
of five lessons grief taught me. I knew by being
vulnerable it had to help someone else who was trying
to navigate their way through grief. I've heard you talk
about Pegosa Springs, Colorado often. I've never known anyone else
to talk about this beautiful, quaint town.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
You see.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
A month before my husband passed away, we drove with
our three kids from Iowa to meet up with my parents, sister,
her family, and brother, who all also live in Colorado.
We all went to Pegosa Springs for a week. We
later realized it would be the last family vacation we
would have with Ryan. We made so many memories and
shared so many laughs on that trip. We even spontaneously
(04:57):
had our family pictures taken while we were there. I
thank God every day for those photos. I never got
to visit your sister and brother in law's coffee shop,
but I desperately want to go back one day. Pagosa
Springs has a special place in my heart. I appreciate
the pieces of your life's journey you've shared post divorce,
navigating new relationships and just trying to do life without
(05:20):
a partner. Ryan's death was tragic and he will always
be a part of my life. But without the heart ache, grief,
and pain, I would not have experienced true love with
him or had the opportunity to figure out who I am,
what I want in this life, and what my journey
is all about. For that, I have gratitude, and while
I'm not dating currently, if and when the right man
(05:42):
does come along, I will be going into the relationship
as the best version of myself and have the ability
to navigate the challenges of life with confidence, emotional maturity,
and grace. Kind regards Odra. So that's the email she wrote,
and then, as I mentioned, she attached what she posted
(06:04):
on socials for the five year anniversary and the five
lessons she has learned from grief. So I'm just going
to read her entire post. In order to heal after loss,
you have to grieve. Grieving is a powerful emotion that
evolves from a loss's impact on your heart. The grief
(06:25):
journey becomes each person's unique story. It is nonlinear and
undefined by timelines or hard fast rules. Five years ago today,
my husband Ryan was on his way into work. An
unknown heart condition caused him to suddenly go into cardiac arrest.
His truck veered off the road and crashed at the
(06:46):
bottom of a steep ditch. Ryan's heart had stopped for
too long and the impact of the crash was severe.
On August twenty first, twenty nineteen, I was told there
was no hope for recovery, and I had to make
a decision whether to leave him on life support. Because
I knew what Ryan's wishes were, I finally let him go.
(07:07):
The days in ICU with Ryan and the week that
followed were the hardest, saddest days of my life. My
journey to healing has taken a lot of time and work.
I started by trying to pick up the biggest broken pieces. First,
I found a new normal for the kids, and I
put my heart and soul into making sure we were
(07:30):
not only going to survive, but thrive. Working through grief
and trauma has taught me so much, but I would
say these are the top five lessons. One. Grief is
the price you pay for love. Grief has a lot
of emotions attached to it that don't feel good. There's anger, sadness,
(07:52):
what ifs, resentment, and so much more. However, it's important
to remember these feelings wouldn't exist if you hadn't experience
It's the greatest gift of all love. Two events in
your life become a before and an after. In the after,
you're not the same person you are in the before.
(08:13):
Since Ryan's death, I have been able to connect to
the lost and forgotten parts of myself. I know I
can do hard things. I love my people hard and
make sure that they know and feel my love. I
know who I am, and I have a clear vision
of the life I want to create. I find joy
in life's smallest, simplest moments and cherish time and relationships
(08:35):
others may take for granted.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Three.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
I figured out there is meaning behind the five stages
of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. As I look
back on my own grief journey, I saw myself in
each of those stages without even realizing it. If you
are open to it, a good therapist can help you
unpack and identify the why behind the mix of emotions
(09:00):
your feeling.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Four. Gratitude is a gift.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
However, it took me a long time to find it
after a traumatic loss, it is very difficult to see
gratitude amongst the anger, sadness, and tears. By giving myself
grace and space, it has allowed me to see the
blessings that I still had in front of me. A
piece of healing is eventually finding the rainbow after the storm.
(09:26):
Five It's okay to not be okay. There are times
when grief will still sneak up on you out of nowhere,
But you know your healing when you were able to
acknowledge your feelings, let yourself feel what you need to feel,
and move forward without staying under the black cloud that
(09:47):
grief can put you under. So there you go the
five lessons grief has taught her, and she shared that
on the five year anniversary of her husband's passing. So Odre,
thank you so much much for sharing some of your
story with us, and I really hope you get to
go back to Pagosa one day and take your kids
(10:10):
and relive some of those memories that you'll had and
have some of the laughter, and it'll feel like your
husband is there with you. Maybe even one day you
go with a new partner and you find a partner
that will allow Ryan to still be a part of
your life, a part of your family, part of your kids' lives.
Believe it or not, there are some people that may
(10:32):
not be able to handle something like that, But there
is someone out there that would be able to take
a trip like that and really make it special and
acknowledge all of the memories that were made and create
new memories with you, but still having that presence of
Ryan with y'all all the time, without any fear that
you don't care for them. You only care for Ryan.
(10:55):
You can still love Ryan and love this new partner.
And I only share this because Audre and I have
been emailing back and forth a little bit since she
sent this note, and I know she's not dating yet,
and she mentioned that in the email. But there is
hope and she may find someone at some point, and.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
In my mind, I'm just picturing them taking a trip
to Pagosa. All is one big, happy family, and stop
and buy the coffee shop.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
You gotta go buy Roothhouse. That will definitely be special.
I love Pagosa.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
If y'all are ever in southern Colorado, definitely swing through.
Sit in the hot springs, go for a hike, and
then yeah, Roothhouse Coffee right along the river.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
It's my sister's coffee shop.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
And you can go get a cup of good coffee,
a latte, or you can even have a cocktail. They
serve those as well. Really good ranch waters, really good
cinnamon buns. Now, oh kish Now, I'm just thinking all
of the amazing things that my sister has on the
menu there. But I love that you shared some of
your story with us, Audre, and I know that it
will resonate with somebody. Whatever it is that you are grieving.
(11:58):
It may not be the loss of a part. We
all are going to agrieve in life. It's unavoidable. But
I specially loved Adra's first lesson that she shared. It's
the price you pay for love, and that's one of
the greatest gifts. So thank you, Audra. Second, on Tuesday's
(12:19):
fifth Thing, Kat and I went over adhd exercises for
focus and productivity. And today I've got more for you,
but these are for focus and memory. The first brain
hack skill exercise. If you heard Kat and I'm talking
on Tuesday, she really did not like that I was
calling these brain hacks. So whatever, I just feel like
that's an easier way to say it. So the first
(12:40):
brain hack I've got for you is the memory place game.
And this is best for strengthening your working memory, which
if you've got ADHD, you struggle with this, But maybe
you don't have ADHD, but you're like, oh, I am
having some memory issues.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
This will work for you too.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
So what you need to do is visualize a place
you know well, like your house. Assign objects or words
to different rooms. This will help with recall. So an
example would be if you need to remember your grocery list,
picture milk in your fridge, bananas on your couch, and
bread in your bed. Now, the more ridiculous the imagery,
(13:18):
the easier it is to remember. It's called the memory
Place game. And I know this sounds a little cuckoo,
but it works. The second hack is the brain dump method. Now,
this is best for racing thoughts.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Or idea overload.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
What you need to do is set a five minute
timer and write down every thought that is swirling in
your head. No filtering, you're just right, right, right, right right.
This helps clear mental clutters so that you can focus
on what actually matters. And a little bonus tip for
this is use different color pins for priorities versus random thoughts.
(13:54):
Third brain hack the dopamine menu. Now, this is for motivation.
Really will help you be boredom or task paralysis. So
what you got to do is make a list of
things that boost your dopamine like music, movement, certain snacks,
a book that you love, a show. What's something that
(14:15):
boosts your dopamine and when you need motivation, pick one
dopamine booster first, then start your task. Example, before I
do emails, I'll listen to one hype song, or before
I clean, I'll have a snack and put on my
favorite podcast. That's a little dopamine menu. Like, you make
(14:35):
the menu and then you know what you're gonna do
before each thing to get your dopamine hit. Next tack
is the clocks everywhere trick. This is best for time blindness. Now,
ADHD brains lose track of time constantly so what we
gotta do is put visible clocks everywhere, not just on
our phones. We needn't have timers and alarms for everything,
(14:59):
set reminders five to ten minutes before you need to leave.
Like if y'all were to open up in my clock
app on my phone, you would see so many timers
and alarms for everything. Because that's what I have to
do to help keep myself on track. It's very helpful.
Or if I'm in my house, I'll ask Alexa to
set a timer for something. I just need this because
(15:21):
time blindness is very very real for me. Right. The
final hack, which honestly, I'm not even sure I could
pull this one off, but it's called the one tab
role for productivity. It's best for preventing distractions while working.
And let me tell you, in ADHD brain loves opening
one hundred tabs and then forgetting what they're doing completely.
(15:42):
This little tip wants you to commit to one tab
at a time. If you need another, you write it
down instead of opening up a tab immediately. You can
only go back to it like you write it down,
and then when you're done with one tab, then you
can type in what you need to do, like right now,
on my computer. I have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.
(16:06):
I have fourteen tabs open, which honestly is not that bad.
But I know what all those tabs mean, and I
actually thrive with the tabs. But I'm sure there is
something to the one tab roll, and I'd probably thrive
even more if I would try this tip out. But
some of them I keep open because I know I'm
going to.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Go back to them.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
But I do see the idea behind executing getting rid
of one tab boom, and then going to your list,
what was the next tab I need to open?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
So one tab role.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
If you want to try that one out, let me
know if any of these work for you.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Here we got third day.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
All right, let's talk about closure, because well, I think
this is something that we've likely all struggled with at
some point, like whether it's a breakup or a friendship
that fizzled or ended, or just any situation that never
fully has been resolved. It's really really hard to move
on without that final answer. And I will say, sometimes
(17:10):
we want to receive that final answer, but also sometimes
we want to give other people closure because we feel
like it will be good for them, when maybe that's
not necessarily our role. You may not have to provide that,
So that's a whole other thing to work through as well.
But I read something from psychologists Kavyat Shrivastov. Totally not
(17:31):
sure if I'm saying her name right, but I gave
it my best shot and it really hit close to home.
She said, closure isn't about what the other person gives you,
It's about how you process what happened.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Now.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
The main reasons behind why we crave closure are pretty obvious. Obviously,
it helps us find peace after being hurt. It stops
us from just ruminating over it, obsessing over any answered
questions that we have. It helps us move forward without
(18:06):
lingering regrets of sorts, and pretty much closure is like
ceiling an emotional envelope. That's how I visualize it in
my head, like you're able to just close it shut
without it, you keep going into the envelope to reread
all the old stuff, the letters, the messages, and you
(18:29):
try to make it make sense and you can't. And
the hard truth about closure is sometimes we think that
it has to come from the other person, like we
need to hear them explain or apologize or even validate
whatever it is that happened, But that's not always going
(18:49):
to happen again because they don't even owe it to us.
Now in some circumstances, Yes it's not a blanket statement,
but let's just say, for the sake of this thing,
it's never going to happen. You're not going to get
the closure. So then what what do you do? Well,
that's when you get stuck in the wide trap and
you're like, why did they do this? Was it me?
What could I have done differently? How could I fix it?
(19:12):
And those types of questions will leave us spiraling forever.
So the key for us is to accept that we
don't need all the answers to move forward. And I
have had to practice this multiple times in my adult life,
and I wish I better understood this as a teen
(19:32):
and a young young adult as well, because the power
of acceptance is so good. And now that I know acceptance,
it just helps me. And I know that it could
sound like if you're accepting that, you're just kind of
rolling over and being like, Okay, cool, you know this
horrible thing happened and I'm fine with it. But that's
not what the acceptance part is. Acceptance just means that
(19:54):
you're not going to fight it. You're going to fight
what's happening. It means instead of obsessing over why something happened,
you focus on what you can do next. A little
mantra that I had in my back pocket for twenty twenty,
twenty twenty one, twenty twenty two, like, I was using
this one a lot. I may not understand it, but
(20:16):
I can heal anyway. Because there was so much I
wasn't understanding and I didn't have answers to, but I
knew I had the ability to heal anyway. Sometimes it
was hard for me to just move on. I didn't
like the idea of that, so I would think of
it more as like moving along or moving forward, Like
(20:39):
despite what was happening, I was going to move forward.
Sometimes I would move backwards, but at least I was moving.
It's a small shift from the word moving on to
moving forward, but for me it made a big difference.
It felt more practical and less forced. The energy a
(21:00):
little bit different. I don't know see if that resonates
with you, Like if you say I'm moving on or
I'm moving forward, there's different energy there. So then comes
the time where you'd have to really give yourself closure Again,
It's not coming from the other person, it is coming
from within you. At the end of the day, finding
closure is you choosing yourself because you're not going to
(21:22):
let those thoughts take up any more space rent free
in your brain. So one thing you need to do
because who knows how long you've been thinking these thoughts.
I mean some of you listening right now, I know
we're holding onto things from ten years ago and you
want closure and you have been wondering why for the
last ten years or maybe it was just ten days ago. Well,
(21:44):
this is going to be awesome for you to be
reminded of this. I'm not saying anything new, by the way,
and I'm gathering a lot of different things that I
was taught over the last five years that I learned.
Some of this I picked up in alan On. That
is all about surrender releasing control. When you are stuck
in trying to figure out the why of what happened,
(22:07):
and you are stuck wanting closure from somebody else, this
is the opposite of surrendering. You have to focus on
what you can control, and you can't control that So
whether you've been trying to operate that way, like I said,
for ten years or ten days, pause and forgive yourself
for holding on for however long it was. Let go
(22:28):
of any resentment towards the person. You don't want to
carry that around, and then prioritize peace.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
If you are.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Waiting on that one last conversation or that one last explanation,
just know that you don't actually need it. Your piece
is within you. It's not dependent on what they do.
This is honestly one of those things like when I
was typing out what I wanted to say about this,
I'm like, oh, I need to email this to myself
(22:56):
so I can go back and read it when I
need it, or maybe I'll pull this part of the
podcast and listen to it when I need it, because
I think we all crave closure, and we can know
that this is what we need to do to let
it go and not get all wrapped up, and that
we need answers from somebody else when we're trying to
force it. Now, if someone wants to volunteer that information,
(23:21):
that's totally fine, But does knowing that really change things
for you?
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Fully?
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I know there are things that I have ended where
I believe the person would appreciate more closure. And at
the same time, I felt like what I was able
to share was enough without getting wrapped back up into
unhealthy patterns that we were in. So also, like I
(23:46):
said at the beginning of this thing, is sometimes we
feel the need to over explain why we're making a
decision so that we can protect that other person's feelings.
That is not our responsibility as long as we're doing
something in a kind way and staying on our side
of the street. And what you're trying to do when
you're trying to get closure from somebody else is you're
(24:07):
going into their side of the street. You need to
focus on your side of the street, whether you're the
one wanting the closure or you're the one that is
ending something and you feel like you need to give
all of this closure so they feel better. I think
you can express things in a concise, kind way on
your side of the street.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
But if you start to get.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Into all of the nitty gritty of you did this
and you did that, and that's not staying on your
side of the street. And so sometimes it's best to
just keep it brief and respectful and kind the other
person might be hurt by that, and you can feel
it's okay to feel that pain. I have certainly felt
it before, and it's not fun. It's not fun. But
(24:48):
at the end of the day, we all have to
protect our own peace. So I hope if there's something
that you need to accept that this will be that
final little kick in the pants to do it, give
yourself the closure you need. You're able to do it
without anybody else. All right. This final thing is a
(25:23):
parenting tip, but you don't have to be married parents
to do it. You could be co parents. Now. I
will say I was talking about this with one of
my friends who has like a loser ex husband, Like
he is a loser with a capital L.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
So she was like, this would never work.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Yeah, right, there's nothing positive about my kid's dad that
I can say, because that's that's the tip, is to
brag about your partner or your ex in front of
your child or children. And she was like, I can't
do it. I can't think of anything. And I'm like,
surely you can think of something, and I know that
she can deep down. Now there might be someone that's
(26:00):
even like loser all capital letters and so in that case,
you can just throw this tip out the window. I
don't need you to find ways to brag about that
type of person. But if you're in an okay, ish
to healthy relationship with your partner or your ex. Hopefully
if it's your partner, you're in a healthy relationship. But
I guess I'm focusing on the X thing since I'm
(26:22):
divorced and my friend that I was talking to is divorced.
But if you have opportunities to brag about your partner
in front of your child or children, it's so good.
It models kindness and appreciation at home. Your child will
start to notice the small efforts that you and others
put in. They'll also start expressing their appreciation out loud,
(26:44):
which is huge because here's the deal. If they hear
us criticize or focus on someone's mistakes, they will learn
to do the same. You know, where kids are paying
attention to everything and picking things up like sponges. But
Ben and I are really trying to do this. We're
trying to be complimentary of each other in front of
the kids, and we try to have a united front
(27:07):
so the kids don't try to take advantage of anything, like, oh,
I'm going to say this in front of mom and
do this in front of dad, and and they have
this whole scheme going on. We talk about everything, and
we keep each other in the loop, so nothing's getting
by us.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
And we're not always perfect.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I've told stories on here before like our co parenting
relationship is far from perfect. But this is also a
challenge for me. Even though I already do it, I'm
going to try to look for more opportunities to do it,
to brag on their dad in front of them. And
I may need to remind him to make sure he's
doing that about me in front of them.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Huh.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I'm sure he does it all the time. I'm sure
he can't help himself.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Just kidding. Okay, Well, that's it. That's today's episode. I
hope y'all are having the day that you need to have.
And if you want to send us any of your
thoughts about any of this, or any story you have
to share, or anything going in your life, or any
question that you have for Kat and myself coming up
on a fifth Thing episode or something for Outweigh that's
coming up, or you've got something on your mind that's
(28:10):
body image, body dysmorphia, food, related that would fall into
the outwagh category. But you can email me at four
Things with Amy Brown at gmail dot com and just
put outwegh in the title and I'll see that. Leanne
and I are going to be recording some episodes soon,
so I always like to see what y'all would like
to hear about. So yeah, I hope y'all are having
the day that you need to have and I'll talk
(28:31):
to you later.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Bye.
Hosts And Creators
Bobby Bones
Amy Brown
Lunchbox
Eddie Garcia
Morgan Huelsman
Raymundo
Mike D
Abby Anderson
Scuba Steve
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