May 11, 2024 • 24 mins
Jon Stewart dissects the media's ubiquitous and uninsightful coverage of Stormy Daniels's testimony of her sexual encounter with Donald Trump. Plus, Jordan Klepper covers this week's top fashion stories including the Met Gala and Vladimir Putin's non-wizardly attire for his re-election ceremony.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
It has been another big week of walla wall, NonStop
penis to penis coverage of Donald Trump's trial, from the
lingering glamour shots to the trial merch store to a
rudimentary court treasure map to.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Second by second real time close.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Capture and transcripting and a QR code you can scan
for more coverage. And I guess MSNBC's in room dining menu.
Why would you need an The ubiquitous coverage is numbing,
fading into televised wallpaper with insight that only occasionally.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Crackles through, such as.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
He greeted her at his hotel room in satin or
silk pajamas, which.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Both are smooth materials, but satin or weapon, which I
need to know.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
She said she had.
Speaker 5 (01:19):
I had my clothes and my shoes off.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I removed my bra. We were in missionary position.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Missionary wonder Trump has locked up the evangelical voting block.
Speaker 6 (01:44):
Unlike those Democrats, and that devil doggy style, that devilish
tell us more.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Not wearing a condom don't tell us anymore.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
But perhaps this hyper focus by our news media is
purposeful to distract Americans by keeping visions of dancing penises.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
In their heads.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
All the while Americans are losing their freedoms at home.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
The Biden Administration's war on energy is reaching into the
American home.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
What we were.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Penising, Apparently the Biden administration is.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Reaching around.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
Into the American home.
Speaker 4 (02:40):
Put a stop to the Department of Energies continued crackdown
on American made appliances. Never in my wildest imagination, what
I have thought that I was staying here on the
House floor to defend my constituency appliances and gas dos.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
I was proud to lead the House Republican effort to
protect our gas stoves.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
They can take our lives, but they can never take
out cook tops. Apparently, this is a bill that they
passed to stop the Biden Administration's new energy regulations. And
I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest with everybody here.
(03:24):
I'm on the Republican side. I can hate electric stoves,
I can't hate them. I cannot cook unless I can
see how high the flame is. And I'll be damned
if I start burning. My signature Banadas Foster because Joseph
Gerbels Biden is trying to ban gas stoves I'm sorry.
I'm being told that that is not as what happened.
That's sorry, that's apparently the Department of Energy just set
(03:46):
new efficiency standards for home appliances and that ninety seven
percent of gas stoves already meet the new standards. So
unless this is where you cook, you're probably fine. And
even so at the end of the day, I mean,
it's just your guess.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Though, it's not just gas stoves. It's your washer, your dryer,
your dishwasher, and much more.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
They started with gas stoves.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
And I did not speak of for I was not
a gas stove. Why did I do the Scottish accent
for that? That's a isn't that a German homily? All right?
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Look, no disrespect to any of these idiots, but I
think we can move household appliances down on the threat
to democracy list, just below aluminum free deodorant. Clearly this
was an overblown reaction, but that doesn't mean that this
trial coverage isn't obscuring some true horrors.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
They're dead.
Speaker 5 (04:52):
The Boy Scouts are dead.
Speaker 7 (04:53):
The Boy Scouts, we could pretty much declare, are dead.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Oh my god, the Boy Scouts are dead.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
While we were all fixated on the tintillating details of
the Stormy Daniels testimony. The Boy Scouts all died, I'm
assuming in a terrible s'mores explosion engineered by one Joseph
Childs Manson Biden. The Boy Scouts of America is changing
its name for the first time in history. The organization
will be renamed Scouting America to emphasize its commitment to
(05:23):
inclusion of all youth. Oh, the Boy Scouts are alive.
They just rebranded as an organization, partly because they started
letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they
had a giant molestation scandal. I say that so that
(05:43):
no one can hear me or I had a giant molisow.
Rebranding yourself is a tried and true formula for many
such organizations. In fact, it's why the Catholic Church now
goes by the name Gary. So I feel terrible for
(06:03):
anybody at home named Gary right now?
Speaker 1 (06:07):
What?
Speaker 4 (06:08):
So?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
What is the issue?
Speaker 5 (06:10):
There used to be sacred organizations where the children could
really flourish. Is anything sacred?
Speaker 8 (06:15):
Bob Brooks?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
No, Yeah, nothing is sacred. What did happen to all
those sacred organizations?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Gary? But as you all were saying that's.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
What happens to institutions in America and really all over
the world is patriotic people start these institutions, and the
left must destroy it.
Speaker 8 (06:42):
It's a sad.
Speaker 9 (06:43):
Day when young boys can't learn how to be strong men.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
We've wrecked it. Actually they wrecked it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Okay, I don't want to break character here or anything,
but this like this guy who is blaming the left
for the loss of our institutions where young boys can
become strong men.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
His name is Matt Schlap. You may remember him.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
He's the head of the American Conservative Union. You may
remember that as the strong man.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Who was sued. This guy was sued.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
By another fella for non consensually grabbing his dick in
twenty twenty two. Yeah, that only got dropped after a
reported four hundred and eighty thousand dollars settlement.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
The point being, when.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
This guy talks about the depravity of our institutions, he
knows of what he speaks. All of this false outrage
is starting to make me cynical.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
It's starting to make.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Me cynical about America's media ecosystem. Is there anything else
going on that does merit a defcon one freak out.
Speaker 7 (07:55):
In the end, this is a sad day for America,
a moral failing of a magnitude we can't even begin
to calculate.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Oh my god, I'm moral failing. We can't even begin
to calculate.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Perhaps it's a combo failing, an appliance that changed its
name to be more inclusive.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Is mister coffee?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Now they them coffee?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Is that? Is that the danger we now.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Face President Biden threatening to withhold more military aid if
the Israeli military carries out an all out assault on
the city of.
Speaker 10 (08:30):
President Biden halting a weapon shipment of thirty five hundred
bombs to Israel.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
We paused one shipment of high payload munitions.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
The Biden administration has paused one shipment of thirty five
hundred munitions of the over three hundred thousand munitions Israel
has already dropped on Gaza to try and prevent the
Israelis from attacking the area where all the refugees of
this war are currently sheltering.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
I mean, oh my god. Or to put that another way.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
And now, what the Body Minstration has done is he
becomes the primary protector of Hamash.
Speaker 7 (09:05):
He absolutely is uh siding with the terrorists.
Speaker 11 (09:09):
The only reason they're not dancing in Iran is because
they don't believe in dancing.
Speaker 7 (09:13):
Joe Biden has been the greatest friend Hamas and Hezbollah
that there is on planet Earth.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
Amen, damn, he's good.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
That's nothing, says Gravitas, like the verb.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
The only thing we have to fair is fair itself.
You people are children that came out wrong. But I
(10:01):
am curious why would Biden halt that shipment?
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Now I've made it clear to be be in the
war cabinet.
Speaker 7 (10:08):
They're not going to get our support if in fact
they're going these population centers.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
If they go into the population centers, the whole place
is a population center. They've been in the population center
for six months. Gaza's all population center. You know, you
never hear around Gaza. Yeah, I don't live in the
populated area. I live in upstate Gaza.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
I live by the lakes. It's really quiet.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
There is there no one who can offer a more
nuanced analysis of our newly formulated position on this conflict,
preferably in some type of catacomb or echoe tunnel.
Speaker 12 (10:49):
Yeah, Bigan is doing with respect to Israeli is disgraceful.
If any Jewish person voted for Joke, they should be
shave of the jelousy.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
My apologies to you, Rabbi, thank you so much for
taking time off of your condom less porn star hush
money trial to deliver a shame lecture to Jews. I
will reflect on your moral standing next to young Kapoor,
(11:36):
you can be sure.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
What about a Jew who might vote for him twice?
What is that?
Speaker 6 (11:42):
Shame?
Speaker 10 (11:43):
Shame, shame, shamee you ashamed shame.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
First of all, guys, American Jews are Americans. We do
not have dual loyalties or citizenship. There's nothing for us
to be ashamed of.
Speaker 8 (11:59):
That's not what Donald Trump says. Donald Trump says, you
should be a shame shame.
Speaker 10 (12:04):
Shame, shame, So you should have been a doctor.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
This is really it made me very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Donald Trump is just saying that there's good Jews and
there's bad Jews, and we need to start identifying.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
The bad Jews. I don't like where this is going.
Speaker 6 (12:30):
Shame Shame.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
On you, Shonda.
Speaker 10 (12:36):
Yeah, I'm Jewish too, I did not know that ye
on my mother's side, and.
Speaker 6 (12:41):
So shame, shame, shame.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
As I was saying before, I was really blame shame,
shame on you, shame.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Show. I know so, Ronnie, we already did the Israel
shame bit. And uh no, I was talking about Deaf
to Smoke. Cha.
Speaker 8 (13:13):
I spent ten bucks on that movie. Shame shame on you.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
It's a good movie.
Speaker 8 (13:19):
So are you not a shame?
Speaker 2 (13:21):
I'm not listen here, here's here's ten bucks.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Just go, thank you. This makes up with Israel? All right,
thank you.
Speaker 11 (13:34):
Let's kick things off. Last night's met Gala, now the
magical night when the world's most fashionable cultural icons try
to figure out how they're gonna fit their spiky headdress
into an uber pool.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Fashion's biggest night.
Speaker 7 (13:48):
Garden inspired looks on full display right in bloom with
this year's dress code, the Garden of Times.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Fans tried to figure out which star was fully covered
head to toe in a floor length Beijes umbrella.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Now this is a water singer, Tyla. So many people
talking about this. She had to be carried up the
stairs of the Met.
Speaker 6 (14:08):
The dress, which was made of sand, was simply too heavy.
Speaker 11 (14:13):
Okay, okay, a dress made of sand is super impressive.
Who are you wearing? Coney island, thank you very much.
I like how she had four people carry her up
the stairs. I bet Joe Biden saw that and turned
to the Secret Service, like, let's just do that from Noah.
(14:34):
But the true glam heads weren't paying attention to the
met gala because the real action last night was in Moscow.
Or Vladimir Putin held an opulent inauguration that just screamed
definitely not a dictator for life.
Speaker 5 (14:47):
We continued to watch live pictures from Moscow, where Vladimir
Putin begins his fifth term as Russian president. The strong
Man has already been in office for nearly a quarter century.
Putin's new term doesn't end until twenty thirty, and at
that point he'll be eligible to run for another six
years if he wants. It has been a lavish and
opulent ceremony there in Moscow.
Speaker 11 (15:09):
Come on, Land, you can't show up to all this
in a suit a lot. They got the wizards and
the golden walls. You're walking in like you're late from
the office. Man, how do you think Merlin over here feels?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Huh?
Speaker 11 (15:25):
He's like I went full Hogwarts over here.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Now I feel like a dig flad.
Speaker 11 (15:30):
You act like you don't even want to be here,
but this is.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Your whole thing.
Speaker 11 (15:34):
I mean, I'm not criticizing you. You're the one with
the poison, but still we could have done this over zoom.
Let's move on to America's Vladimir Putin Donald Trump. It's
now week befour of the Trump trial, and boy, time
flies when you're constantly falling asleep in court, doesn't it.
(15:58):
But I can guarantee you Trump didn't nap during today's testimony,
which brings us to our latest installment of America's most
tremendously wanted.
Speaker 8 (16:12):
The whole thing is scam.
Speaker 11 (16:16):
Today was the biggest day yet in the trial of
Donald Trump because today Stormy Daniels herself took the stand,
and you could tell from the start that the coverage
was going to be delicate.
Speaker 9 (16:28):
Right now in the courtroom, our reporters in there are
sending us notes updates every second that they can, and
mister Trump's defense attorney, Susan Nichols is saying, quote, we're
informed to the second witness today will be Stormy Daniels.
We want to renew our objection to her testifying, particularly
about any details of any sexual acts.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
That is mister.
Speaker 9 (16:49):
Trump's attorney the prosecutors is also saying, quote, in terms
of the sexual act, it will be very basic. I
can't believe I have to read this on televis day.
It's not going to discretion exactly involved in the descriptions
of of anything in particular.
Speaker 4 (17:06):
So read it.
Speaker 11 (17:08):
Oh, come on, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash acting like
you're too good for this, Like you've never seen genitalia before.
All right, you're very prudish for people whose names sound
like poor names. Jake Tapper and Dana Bash and State
of the Union. Yeah, Oh, they're gonna smear Kanish all
(17:33):
over your wolf Blitzer, you know. Now. The crux of
this case is that Trump allegedly paid Stormy Daniels hush
money to cover up their affair just before the twenty
sixteen election, And today Stormy Daniels told us exactly what
all that money was hushing, starting from the very beginning
of the night Donald Trump invited her for dinner in
(17:55):
his hotel room.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
Daniels testified that when she first entered Trump's hotels Wheet,
he greeted her wearing silk pajamas. She says she joked
that he stole Hugh Hefner's pajamas and asked him to change,
which he did. According to Daniels, when she asked Trump
about his wife, he admitted that he and Malania sleep
in separate beds. After speaking with Trump for a while,
(18:17):
Daniels told Trump he was rude and didn't know how
to have a conversation. Someone should spank you with that magazine,
she told him. She says, Trump then rolled up the
magazine and quote gave me a look, so she took
it from him, told him to turn around and swatted
him on the butt.
Speaker 11 (18:33):
Oh that poor, poor magazine has in print media suffered
enough spanking, silk, pajamas, separate beds. These revelations are so
uncomfortably personal that even Drake is like.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Oh, sucks to be that guy.
Speaker 11 (18:56):
But if that stuff made you uncomfortable, hold on, it
gets worse.
Speaker 8 (19:00):
Daniels testified that at one point, prior to them having sex,
Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter of Vodka,
saying they were both smart, blonde, beautiful women who people underestimated.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Hashtag girl dad uck.
Speaker 11 (19:16):
I know it's old news to us that Donald Trump
wants to mercanish his daughter, but Remember, the court worked
hard to find an unbiased jury, which means there's at
least one person on there who was in a coma
for the last ten years. And I bet that guy
is losing his mind to there.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Are you hearing this? Are you marrying this? Is that
the president and his daughter and a port star.
Speaker 11 (19:42):
Oh wait, all my friend Prince hears about this.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
You know what?
Speaker 11 (19:48):
Maybe the actually damning part of all of this is
how Trump got Stormy to have sex with him. According
to Daniels, he suggested that she could be on the Apprentice. Later,
he stripped his underwear and told her, quote, this is
the only way you're getting out of the trailer park.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yikes.
Speaker 11 (20:08):
So from isn't just a bad lover who thinks talking
about his daughter is an acceptable form of foreplay. He's
a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get
them to have sex with him, because lord knows they're
not in it for the two minutes of thrusting. Personally,
I find it disappointing. I mean, who would have thought
(20:29):
a man found liable for sexual assault would coerce a
woman into sex. I mean, honestly, it's like you can't
even trust sex offenders these days. For more on today's testimony,
let's go live to the courthouse with our own Troy Awata.
Speaker 8 (20:44):
Troy Y, what's.
Speaker 11 (20:52):
The mood down at the courthouse today?
Speaker 10 (20:55):
I would say the mood is uncomfy. Like I was
so perturbed. I made myself feel better by remembering that
time I watched Saltburn with my parents. That's how bad
it was today. But I got to tell you, it's
pretty brutal hearing someone's dumb horny man moves read aloud
in the cold light of a courtroom.
Speaker 11 (21:16):
I'm sorry, dumb horny man moves.
Speaker 10 (21:20):
You know the things that you say and do right
before you have sex with someone for the first time,
The sexy stuff that you do in the moment that
no one should ever rehash. You know, the faces and
phrases like your lips looked like two big worms.
Speaker 11 (21:34):
Oh okay, Well, I mean some people's man moves are
pretty solid.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
I bet okay.
Speaker 10 (21:43):
You keep telling yourself that big guy, like, what's your
go to move when you get to the bedroom.
Speaker 11 (21:50):
Well, I don't know if this is the time or
the plant. One time, uh, one time, I said, oh,
alaty then just like gay Ventura but it was. It
was a good reference because we had both just seen
Ace Ventura. I mean she hadn't, but I had explained
the movie to her, and it was It's kind of
a sexy moment for.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Both of us. Cool. Try.
Speaker 11 (22:19):
What's your point that testifying about people's man moves should
have no place in the legal system.
Speaker 10 (22:25):
No, No, I actually I think the opposite. I think
every trial should have it. You know, imagine if every
time you committed a crime, the prosecutors could put your
X on the stand and describe your most mediocre hookup
in grave detail, and then a stenographer and a cardigan.
Speaker 8 (22:42):
Wrote it all down, and.
Speaker 10 (22:45):
Then Jake Tapper broadcasted on national television.
Speaker 11 (22:49):
Yeah, frankly, okay, I see you.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
That is a clip place.
Speaker 11 (22:55):
I mean, you put it that way, I would be
the most law abiding citizen in.
Speaker 8 (22:58):
History, exactly.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 10 (23:00):
Right now, I'm about fifty to fifty on committing crimes,
like I can see myself counterfeiting stamps. But if it
meant I'd have to sit through a retelling of how
one night I got on all fours and I said,
tell me, you're proud of me, I wouldn't even get
a parking ticket. I wouldn't even own a car. This
(23:25):
might be the greatest crime deterrent in history.
Speaker 11 (23:28):
So you're saying we should just air all of Trump's
dirty details in an attempt to lower crime rates.
Speaker 10 (23:35):
No, Jordan, I am asking you to tell me you're
proud of me.
Speaker 11 (23:39):
Oh write then, Troy, you what?
Speaker 8 (23:43):
Everybody?
Speaker 9 (23:45):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 8 (23:52):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven.
Speaker 9 (23:53):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and streamful episodes anytime on
Bearmount Plus.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
It has been another big week of walla wall, NonStop
penis to penis coverage of Donald Trump's trial, from the
lingering glamour shots to the trial merch store to a
rudimentary court treasure map to.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Second by second real time close.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Capture and transcripting and a QR code you can scan
for more coverage. And I guess MSNBC's in room dining menu.
Why would you need an The ubiquitous coverage is numbing,
fading into televised wallpaper with insight that only occasionally.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Crackles through, such as.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
He greeted her at his hotel room in satin or
silk pajamas, which.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Both are smooth materials, but satin or weapon, which I
need to know.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
She said she had.
Speaker 5 (01:19):
I had my clothes and my shoes off.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I removed my bra. We were in missionary position.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Missionary wonder Trump has locked up the evangelical voting block.
Speaker 6 (01:44):
Unlike those Democrats, and that devil doggy style, that devilish
tell us more.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Not wearing a condom don't tell us anymore.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
But perhaps this hyper focus by our news media is
purposeful to distract Americans by keeping visions of dancing penises.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
In their heads.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
All the while Americans are losing their freedoms at home.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
The Biden Administration's war on energy is reaching into the
American home.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
What we were.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Penising, Apparently the Biden administration is.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Reaching around.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
Into the American home.
Speaker 4 (02:40):
Put a stop to the Department of Energies continued crackdown
on American made appliances. Never in my wildest imagination, what
I have thought that I was staying here on the
House floor to defend my constituency appliances and gas dos.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
I was proud to lead the House Republican effort to
protect our gas stoves.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
They can take our lives, but they can never take
out cook tops. Apparently, this is a bill that they
passed to stop the Biden Administration's new energy regulations. And
I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest with everybody here.
(03:24):
I'm on the Republican side. I can hate electric stoves,
I can't hate them. I cannot cook unless I can
see how high the flame is. And I'll be damned
if I start burning. My signature Banadas Foster because Joseph
Gerbels Biden is trying to ban gas stoves I'm sorry.
I'm being told that that is not as what happened.
That's sorry, that's apparently the Department of Energy just set
(03:46):
new efficiency standards for home appliances and that ninety seven
percent of gas stoves already meet the new standards. So
unless this is where you cook, you're probably fine. And
even so at the end of the day, I mean,
it's just your guess.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Though, it's not just gas stoves. It's your washer, your dryer,
your dishwasher, and much more.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
They started with gas stoves.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
And I did not speak of for I was not
a gas stove. Why did I do the Scottish accent
for that? That's a isn't that a German homily? All right?
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Look, no disrespect to any of these idiots, but I
think we can move household appliances down on the threat
to democracy list, just below aluminum free deodorant. Clearly this
was an overblown reaction, but that doesn't mean that this
trial coverage isn't obscuring some true horrors.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
They're dead.
Speaker 5 (04:52):
The Boy Scouts are dead.
Speaker 7 (04:53):
The Boy Scouts, we could pretty much declare, are dead.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Oh my god, the Boy Scouts are dead.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
While we were all fixated on the tintillating details of
the Stormy Daniels testimony. The Boy Scouts all died, I'm
assuming in a terrible s'mores explosion engineered by one Joseph
Childs Manson Biden. The Boy Scouts of America is changing
its name for the first time in history. The organization
will be renamed Scouting America to emphasize its commitment to
(05:23):
inclusion of all youth. Oh, the Boy Scouts are alive.
They just rebranded as an organization, partly because they started
letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they
had a giant molestation scandal. I say that so that
(05:43):
no one can hear me or I had a giant molisow.
Rebranding yourself is a tried and true formula for many
such organizations. In fact, it's why the Catholic Church now
goes by the name Gary. So I feel terrible for
(06:03):
anybody at home named Gary right now?
Speaker 1 (06:07):
What?
Speaker 4 (06:08):
So?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
What is the issue?
Speaker 5 (06:10):
There used to be sacred organizations where the children could
really flourish. Is anything sacred?
Speaker 8 (06:15):
Bob Brooks?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
No, Yeah, nothing is sacred. What did happen to all
those sacred organizations?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Gary? But as you all were saying that's.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
What happens to institutions in America and really all over
the world is patriotic people start these institutions, and the
left must destroy it.
Speaker 8 (06:42):
It's a sad.
Speaker 9 (06:43):
Day when young boys can't learn how to be strong men.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
We've wrecked it. Actually they wrecked it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Okay, I don't want to break character here or anything,
but this like this guy who is blaming the left
for the loss of our institutions where young boys can
become strong men.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
His name is Matt Schlap. You may remember him.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
He's the head of the American Conservative Union. You may
remember that as the strong man.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Who was sued. This guy was sued.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
By another fella for non consensually grabbing his dick in
twenty twenty two. Yeah, that only got dropped after a
reported four hundred and eighty thousand dollars settlement.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
The point being, when.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
This guy talks about the depravity of our institutions, he
knows of what he speaks. All of this false outrage
is starting to make me cynical.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
It's starting to make.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Me cynical about America's media ecosystem. Is there anything else
going on that does merit a defcon one freak out.
Speaker 7 (07:55):
In the end, this is a sad day for America,
a moral failing of a magnitude we can't even begin
to calculate.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Oh my god, I'm moral failing. We can't even begin
to calculate.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Perhaps it's a combo failing, an appliance that changed its
name to be more inclusive.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Is mister coffee?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Now they them coffee?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Is that? Is that the danger we now.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Face President Biden threatening to withhold more military aid if
the Israeli military carries out an all out assault on
the city of.
Speaker 10 (08:30):
President Biden halting a weapon shipment of thirty five hundred
bombs to Israel.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
We paused one shipment of high payload munitions.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
The Biden administration has paused one shipment of thirty five
hundred munitions of the over three hundred thousand munitions Israel
has already dropped on Gaza to try and prevent the
Israelis from attacking the area where all the refugees of
this war are currently sheltering.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
I mean, oh my god. Or to put that another way.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
And now, what the Body Minstration has done is he
becomes the primary protector of Hamash.
Speaker 7 (09:05):
He absolutely is uh siding with the terrorists.
Speaker 11 (09:09):
The only reason they're not dancing in Iran is because
they don't believe in dancing.
Speaker 7 (09:13):
Joe Biden has been the greatest friend Hamas and Hezbollah
that there is on planet Earth.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
Amen, damn, he's good.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
That's nothing, says Gravitas, like the verb.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
The only thing we have to fair is fair itself.
You people are children that came out wrong. But I
(10:01):
am curious why would Biden halt that shipment?
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Now I've made it clear to be be in the
war cabinet.
Speaker 7 (10:08):
They're not going to get our support if in fact
they're going these population centers.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
If they go into the population centers, the whole place
is a population center. They've been in the population center
for six months. Gaza's all population center. You know, you
never hear around Gaza. Yeah, I don't live in the
populated area. I live in upstate Gaza.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
I live by the lakes. It's really quiet.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
There is there no one who can offer a more
nuanced analysis of our newly formulated position on this conflict,
preferably in some type of catacomb or echoe tunnel.
Speaker 12 (10:49):
Yeah, Bigan is doing with respect to Israeli is disgraceful.
If any Jewish person voted for Joke, they should be
shave of the jelousy.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
My apologies to you, Rabbi, thank you so much for
taking time off of your condom less porn star hush
money trial to deliver a shame lecture to Jews. I
will reflect on your moral standing next to young Kapoor,
(11:36):
you can be sure.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
What about a Jew who might vote for him twice?
What is that?
Speaker 6 (11:42):
Shame?
Speaker 10 (11:43):
Shame, shame, shamee you ashamed shame.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
First of all, guys, American Jews are Americans. We do
not have dual loyalties or citizenship. There's nothing for us
to be ashamed of.
Speaker 8 (11:59):
That's not what Donald Trump says. Donald Trump says, you
should be a shame shame.
Speaker 10 (12:04):
Shame, shame, So you should have been a doctor.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
This is really it made me very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Donald Trump is just saying that there's good Jews and
there's bad Jews, and we need to start identifying.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
The bad Jews. I don't like where this is going.
Speaker 6 (12:30):
Shame Shame.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
On you, Shonda.
Speaker 10 (12:36):
Yeah, I'm Jewish too, I did not know that ye
on my mother's side, and.
Speaker 6 (12:41):
So shame, shame, shame.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
As I was saying before, I was really blame shame,
shame on you, shame.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Show. I know so, Ronnie, we already did the Israel
shame bit. And uh no, I was talking about Deaf
to Smoke. Cha.
Speaker 8 (13:13):
I spent ten bucks on that movie. Shame shame on you.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
It's a good movie.
Speaker 8 (13:19):
So are you not a shame?
Speaker 2 (13:21):
I'm not listen here, here's here's ten bucks.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Just go, thank you. This makes up with Israel? All right,
thank you.
Speaker 11 (13:34):
Let's kick things off. Last night's met Gala, now the
magical night when the world's most fashionable cultural icons try
to figure out how they're gonna fit their spiky headdress
into an uber pool.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Fashion's biggest night.
Speaker 7 (13:48):
Garden inspired looks on full display right in bloom with
this year's dress code, the Garden of Times.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Fans tried to figure out which star was fully covered
head to toe in a floor length Beijes umbrella.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Now this is a water singer, Tyla. So many people
talking about this. She had to be carried up the
stairs of the Met.
Speaker 6 (14:08):
The dress, which was made of sand, was simply too heavy.
Speaker 11 (14:13):
Okay, okay, a dress made of sand is super impressive.
Who are you wearing? Coney island, thank you very much.
I like how she had four people carry her up
the stairs. I bet Joe Biden saw that and turned
to the Secret Service, like, let's just do that from Noah.
(14:34):
But the true glam heads weren't paying attention to the
met gala because the real action last night was in Moscow.
Or Vladimir Putin held an opulent inauguration that just screamed
definitely not a dictator for life.
Speaker 5 (14:47):
We continued to watch live pictures from Moscow, where Vladimir
Putin begins his fifth term as Russian president. The strong
Man has already been in office for nearly a quarter century.
Putin's new term doesn't end until twenty thirty, and at
that point he'll be eligible to run for another six
years if he wants. It has been a lavish and
opulent ceremony there in Moscow.
Speaker 11 (15:09):
Come on, Land, you can't show up to all this
in a suit a lot. They got the wizards and
the golden walls. You're walking in like you're late from
the office. Man, how do you think Merlin over here feels?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Huh?
Speaker 11 (15:25):
He's like I went full Hogwarts over here.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Now I feel like a dig flad.
Speaker 11 (15:30):
You act like you don't even want to be here,
but this is.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Your whole thing.
Speaker 11 (15:34):
I mean, I'm not criticizing you. You're the one with
the poison, but still we could have done this over zoom.
Let's move on to America's Vladimir Putin Donald Trump. It's
now week befour of the Trump trial, and boy, time
flies when you're constantly falling asleep in court, doesn't it.
(15:58):
But I can guarantee you Trump didn't nap during today's testimony,
which brings us to our latest installment of America's most
tremendously wanted.
Speaker 8 (16:12):
The whole thing is scam.
Speaker 11 (16:16):
Today was the biggest day yet in the trial of
Donald Trump because today Stormy Daniels herself took the stand,
and you could tell from the start that the coverage
was going to be delicate.
Speaker 9 (16:28):
Right now in the courtroom, our reporters in there are
sending us notes updates every second that they can, and
mister Trump's defense attorney, Susan Nichols is saying, quote, we're
informed to the second witness today will be Stormy Daniels.
We want to renew our objection to her testifying, particularly
about any details of any sexual acts.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
That is mister.
Speaker 9 (16:49):
Trump's attorney the prosecutors is also saying, quote, in terms
of the sexual act, it will be very basic. I
can't believe I have to read this on televis day.
It's not going to discretion exactly involved in the descriptions
of of anything in particular.
Speaker 4 (17:06):
So read it.
Speaker 11 (17:08):
Oh, come on, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash acting like
you're too good for this, Like you've never seen genitalia before.
All right, you're very prudish for people whose names sound
like poor names. Jake Tapper and Dana Bash and State
of the Union. Yeah, Oh, they're gonna smear Kanish all
(17:33):
over your wolf Blitzer, you know. Now. The crux of
this case is that Trump allegedly paid Stormy Daniels hush
money to cover up their affair just before the twenty
sixteen election, And today Stormy Daniels told us exactly what
all that money was hushing, starting from the very beginning
of the night Donald Trump invited her for dinner in
(17:55):
his hotel room.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
Daniels testified that when she first entered Trump's hotels Wheet,
he greeted her wearing silk pajamas. She says she joked
that he stole Hugh Hefner's pajamas and asked him to change,
which he did. According to Daniels, when she asked Trump
about his wife, he admitted that he and Malania sleep
in separate beds. After speaking with Trump for a while,
(18:17):
Daniels told Trump he was rude and didn't know how
to have a conversation. Someone should spank you with that magazine,
she told him. She says, Trump then rolled up the
magazine and quote gave me a look, so she took
it from him, told him to turn around and swatted
him on the butt.
Speaker 11 (18:33):
Oh that poor, poor magazine has in print media suffered
enough spanking, silk, pajamas, separate beds. These revelations are so
uncomfortably personal that even Drake is like.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Oh, sucks to be that guy.
Speaker 11 (18:56):
But if that stuff made you uncomfortable, hold on, it
gets worse.
Speaker 8 (19:00):
Daniels testified that at one point, prior to them having sex,
Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter of Vodka,
saying they were both smart, blonde, beautiful women who people underestimated.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Hashtag girl dad uck.
Speaker 11 (19:16):
I know it's old news to us that Donald Trump
wants to mercanish his daughter, but Remember, the court worked
hard to find an unbiased jury, which means there's at
least one person on there who was in a coma
for the last ten years. And I bet that guy
is losing his mind to there.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Are you hearing this? Are you marrying this? Is that
the president and his daughter and a port star.
Speaker 11 (19:42):
Oh wait, all my friend Prince hears about this.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
You know what?
Speaker 11 (19:48):
Maybe the actually damning part of all of this is
how Trump got Stormy to have sex with him. According
to Daniels, he suggested that she could be on the Apprentice. Later,
he stripped his underwear and told her, quote, this is
the only way you're getting out of the trailer park.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yikes.
Speaker 11 (20:08):
So from isn't just a bad lover who thinks talking
about his daughter is an acceptable form of foreplay. He's
a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get
them to have sex with him, because lord knows they're
not in it for the two minutes of thrusting. Personally,
I find it disappointing. I mean, who would have thought
(20:29):
a man found liable for sexual assault would coerce a
woman into sex. I mean, honestly, it's like you can't
even trust sex offenders these days. For more on today's testimony,
let's go live to the courthouse with our own Troy Awata.
Speaker 8 (20:44):
Troy Y, what's.
Speaker 11 (20:52):
The mood down at the courthouse today?
Speaker 10 (20:55):
I would say the mood is uncomfy. Like I was
so perturbed. I made myself feel better by remembering that
time I watched Saltburn with my parents. That's how bad
it was today. But I got to tell you, it's
pretty brutal hearing someone's dumb horny man moves read aloud
in the cold light of a courtroom.
Speaker 11 (21:16):
I'm sorry, dumb horny man moves.
Speaker 10 (21:20):
You know the things that you say and do right
before you have sex with someone for the first time,
The sexy stuff that you do in the moment that
no one should ever rehash. You know, the faces and
phrases like your lips looked like two big worms.
Speaker 11 (21:34):
Oh okay, Well, I mean some people's man moves are
pretty solid.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
I bet okay.
Speaker 10 (21:43):
You keep telling yourself that big guy, like, what's your
go to move when you get to the bedroom.
Speaker 11 (21:50):
Well, I don't know if this is the time or
the plant. One time, uh, one time, I said, oh,
alaty then just like gay Ventura but it was. It
was a good reference because we had both just seen
Ace Ventura. I mean she hadn't, but I had explained
the movie to her, and it was It's kind of
a sexy moment for.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Both of us. Cool. Try.
Speaker 11 (22:19):
What's your point that testifying about people's man moves should
have no place in the legal system.
Speaker 10 (22:25):
No, No, I actually I think the opposite. I think
every trial should have it. You know, imagine if every
time you committed a crime, the prosecutors could put your
X on the stand and describe your most mediocre hookup
in grave detail, and then a stenographer and a cardigan.
Speaker 8 (22:42):
Wrote it all down, and.
Speaker 10 (22:45):
Then Jake Tapper broadcasted on national television.
Speaker 11 (22:49):
Yeah, frankly, okay, I see you.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
That is a clip place.
Speaker 11 (22:55):
I mean, you put it that way, I would be
the most law abiding citizen in.
Speaker 8 (22:58):
History, exactly.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 10 (23:00):
Right now, I'm about fifty to fifty on committing crimes,
like I can see myself counterfeiting stamps. But if it
meant I'd have to sit through a retelling of how
one night I got on all fours and I said,
tell me, you're proud of me, I wouldn't even get
a parking ticket. I wouldn't even own a car. This
(23:25):
might be the greatest crime deterrent in history.
Speaker 11 (23:28):
So you're saying we should just air all of Trump's
dirty details in an attempt to lower crime rates.
Speaker 10 (23:35):
No, Jordan, I am asking you to tell me you're
proud of me.
Speaker 11 (23:39):
Oh write then, Troy, you what?
Speaker 8 (23:43):
Everybody?
Speaker 9 (23:45):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 8 (23:52):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven.
Speaker 9 (23:53):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and streamful episodes anytime on
Bearmount Plus.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
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