May 25, 2024 • 27 mins
Despite Fox News’s outrage following criticism of Harrison Butker’s controversial commencement speech, Jon Stewart explains how cancel culture actually runs rampant among the MAGA-verse for those who dare speak out against Donald Trump. Plus, Michael Kosta covers Trump shying away from testifying in his own criminal trial along with Rudy Giuliani’s latest money-making scheme, tummy-friendly coffee.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central, we.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Got a great job for you tonight. There is so
much going on in the world right now. The President
of Iran died in a help goopnacrast, the International Criminal
Court is moving towards arrest warrants for Bibi Netanyahu, and
Michael Cohen admitted on the stand today he stole money
from the Trump organization. Only in a Donald Trump trial
(00:32):
with the star witness be the one who ends up
going to jail.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
How lucky is Donald Trump?
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Donald Trump is like a corruption mister Magoo. He's just
stumbling around quid pro quohen metal beams falling all around him,
gets out completely unscathed. But forget about all that, because
there is one story still with so many unanswered questions.
It made its way all the way to the White
(01:05):
House Press Corps.
Speaker 4 (01:07):
Can we still assume that the Kansas City chiefs will
be visiting the White House this year in celebration of
their support old victory?
Speaker 5 (01:13):
You confirm is.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
The Chief's kicker, Harrison Bucker, Welcome out of this White House?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Butker Apparently the Kansas City Chiefs Field Gold Kicker gave
a conservative Catholic commencement speech at a conservative Catholic college
seems expected, although we did have a shout out to
the ladies.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Some of you may go on to lead successful careers
in the world, but I would venture to guess that
the majority of you are most excited about your marriage
and the children you will bring into this world. Haha.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
All right, apparently enjoy the pta, bitches, not the advice
you want to hear when you're one hundred thousand dollars
in debt earning a degree in electrical engineering. But I
imagine that the cancelation of.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
One Harrison Butker was swift and unforgiving.
Speaker 7 (02:13):
At the White House, what I can say is we
invite the entire team, and we do that always.
Speaker 8 (02:18):
I don't have anything beyond that.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Aha, you wok ARATEI at the Communist Wait, well, I'm sorry,
what was that?
Speaker 4 (02:24):
What did you do?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
He can still go to the White House and be
on his football team, and all that's really happened is
some people roasted.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Him on TikTok.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
So I guess this is just kind of a passing distraction,
or if you happened to tune into more conservative media.
Speaker 9 (02:42):
Major scandal rocking the NFL players in big trouble not
for doing drugs, betting or beating women, but because he's Christian.
Speaker 10 (02:51):
The left seeks to destroy an outspoken NFL Catholic.
Speaker 11 (02:55):
He's been docks, he's been slammed, he's still calling for
him to be canceled.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Left hate it's Christian values, and.
Speaker 11 (03:01):
They will try to denigrate you, isolate you, cancel you,
and ultimately silence you completely.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
But be not afraid.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
How can I be not afraid when what you have
proffered is so afraidable, by the way, and you're hitting
us with that King James sentence structure.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Be not afraid.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
People only say that when there's shit to be afraid of.
Speaker 4 (03:36):
Let's say three to four horsemen.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
But my question to the right, I guess is have
you never been on the internet before? Because that's all
it is. It's just people giving each other shit all
the time. I mean, my god, you're all so thin skinned. Look,
Jerry Seinfeld took more shit over the past two weeks
promoting a pop tar movie that Harrison Butker did for
(04:03):
his entire speech, And I ask you people, what is
the deal with that?
Speaker 4 (04:13):
Now? I'm not doing an impression.
Speaker 12 (04:16):
I I legitimately would like to know why he's taking
so much shit about everything from everybody, and who are
these people?
Speaker 4 (04:34):
It's so hard not to do the voice?
Speaker 2 (04:37):
And who uh these people? Now?
Speaker 3 (04:41):
It's that.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
It's the Jerry Seinfeld impression is the first thing a
Jew learns in kindergarten.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Of course, nothing about the right wing reaction is surprising,
because the idea that there is an all pervasive, all
powerful threat to free speech called cancel culture has become
a central tenet of modern conservatism. They celebrate their being
silenced at conferences, They celebrate their being silenced on podcasts
and streaming outlets. They celebrate their being silenced with over
(05:19):
seven hundred book titles about being canceled.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Why are there so many off these books?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Unless you don't know nobody reads anymore. And by the way,
if you already read a war on woke and woke inc,
you're really not going to learn anything from woke warriors.
Conservatives have an entire industry devoted to complaining about not
(05:52):
being allowed to say the things they say all the time.
Their victimhood is the entire brand.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You can no longer say somebody is homeless. You have
to say they are unhoused. Free phones, food and clothing
sounds like a great deal.
Speaker 11 (06:06):
A homeless woman in a Democrat run city appreciated.
Speaker 10 (06:09):
We won't be allowed to say illegal aliens because it'll
be hate speech and therefore illegal.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
Illegal aliens streaming across our border.
Speaker 9 (06:15):
Transagenda's are religion now convert or be canceled. Big Trans
is a real knack for making everything about themselves.
Speaker 11 (06:20):
Dare to speak your mind about issues like pro life,
Well your life could be ruined forever. You could be canceled.
I'm never going to apologize for being pro life.
Speaker 10 (06:30):
How did we get to the point where we can
say all lives matter? As a matter of fact, all
lives matter.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
All of you still speak? How doesn't the woke mob
have cable? But this is their identity now, constant victimization.
They say what they want and if you get upset
about it, you don't believe in freedom.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
I just believe in freedom.
Speaker 10 (06:57):
Why are liberals so afraid of freedom and freedom of
I don't get outraged if you don't like with somebody saying, Oh,
you can turn off the TV, turn off a radio dial,
turn off a podcast, walk out of a commencement, or.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
You could buy a different beer than bud light without
going into your back swamp and assassinating six times.
Speaker 13 (07:20):
We're so unbelievable, They're so full of shit that Sean
Hannity can say with a square head, I'm not the
kind of guy who gets outraged, Sean Hannity, He's basically
(07:41):
just a meat bag support system for a forehead vein.
Speaker 10 (07:46):
Tonight, every American has a right to be angry and
ticked off. We have a story that will make your
blood boil.
Speaker 12 (07:51):
Now.
Speaker 10 (07:51):
The left is hell bent on banning doctor Seuss, pepe
Lepew Dumbo, Peter Panner on the chopping blocks, deemonious, self righteous,
frankly overpaid, lazy, agenda driven liars from a pompous jackass.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Do you even know what my job is?
Speaker 10 (08:08):
What part of this k you get through your thick head?
My message tonight to these snowflakes is very simple. You
people discussed me.
Speaker 4 (08:19):
But every snowflake is different. We can't all discuss you.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Look, it is absolutely true that in our modern social
media driven society, our interactions are incentivized and monetized for outrage,
and it is feeling exhausting for everyone. But contrary to
your conservative book industry, the outrage isn't just coming from
the left, It's coming from the left, the right, for
(08:54):
the right, for the left, and the swifties. And why
a readers and anybody who dare to lift their head
up to say fighting anything.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
We are not censored or silenced.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
We are surrounded by an inundated with more speech than
has ever existed in the history of communication. And it
is all weaponized by professional outrage hunters of all stripes,
scouring the globe for graduation speech snippets, off hand comments
during promotional tours, out of context comedy bits, lay marketing ideas,
(09:27):
or any words and phrases they believe they can latch
onto to generate monetized clicks. Outrage is the engine of
our modern media economy. And sometimes someone loses a job
or something else happens like that that should never fighting happen.
Speaker 14 (09:45):
But but.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
I leaned over so far I may never get back
up again.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
But contrary to conservatives victimization complex, there is no organized
cancel culture, conspiracy or even the slightest misstep can one
hundred percent get someone on the right canceled.
Speaker 4 (10:18):
Actually there is, oh, there is one.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
Congresswoman Liz Cheney gets kicked out of Wyoming's Republican Party
for opposing Trump.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, as irony would have it, it turns out that
when it comes to cancel culture, the ones who smelt
it dealt it. There is someone canceling people on the right.
But the only one canceling people on the right is
Donald Trump, and anyone who dare speak out against him
(10:51):
refused to buy into Trump's stolen election claims, and you'll
lose your job like Liz Cheney or countless others.
Speaker 4 (10:57):
In fact, everything the right says.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Cancel culture does to them is actually being done by maga.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
For example, they.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Will shout you down and try to shut you down
as opposed to discuss with you. Yes, the woke mob
shouts you down.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
And what happens when you're a Republican and dare criticize
the boy king.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
That is a failure of leadership.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
And I you could boo all you want, but here's
the thing.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Donald Trump is running to stay out of prison. And
if we elect I know, I know, I know, you
know me as.
Speaker 9 (11:36):
A person who says what he thinks that I don't
have the fact that I wasn't a fan of.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Our last president's character issues and I'm all of a sudden.
Speaker 14 (11:52):
Show some bad respect. Romney, You piece of shit, mother.
It's called Claire's look. I was telling you mother the
last night.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Dickory Dormain, Your mom was fucking a moment.
Speaker 4 (12:14):
Oh you like him?
Speaker 3 (12:15):
What's what's another heir? And I write the Power Trip?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
By the way, what's another thing that the right hates about?
Speaker 4 (12:22):
Woke cancel culture?
Speaker 10 (12:24):
Many Americans feel forced to stay silent for fear of
upsetting the cancel culture mob.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Yes, under cancel culture, you can only speak your truths
in private, well denying them in public. For instance, this
poor young fella who privately wrote of Trump, He's a demonic.
Speaker 4 (12:40):
Force, a destroyer.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
I hate him passionately, he wrote in private, but of
course in public, fearing the cancel mob, he's forced to
stand next to his tormentor with what can only be
described as the fakest of overlap faces.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Grab a b.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
But that's cancel culture. It won't let you speak the truth.
In fact, it makes you do something even worse.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
The left is married to censorship and has nothing else.
That's how you get people to believe in an alternate reality.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Yeah, the woke mob is so permicious. It forces you
to deny reality. Like imagine if Trump ever gave a
speech about January sixth, where he clearly confuses Nicky Haley
with Nancy Pelosi.
Speaker 8 (13:27):
Nicki Haley, you know they did, you know they destroyed
all of the information, all of the evidence, everything because
of lots of things, Like Nicki Haley is in judge
of security. We offered her ten thousand people.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Now, in a healthy discourse, you would just go, hey, man,
you know everybody brain farts sometimes, you know, whatever it is.
But under the Maga cancel culture, mob people like Congresswoman
Staphanic have to pretend this was all part of a
grand strategy.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
That isn't a mix up. The reality is Nicki j
doesn't speak.
Speaker 6 (13:58):
Nicky Haley is relying on mccrats just like Nancy Pelosi
to try to have a desperate showing in New Hampshire.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
But he was talking about January seven. Strump has not
lost his step.
Speaker 15 (14:08):
He is a stronger candidate, stronger than he is today
than he was in twenty sixteen and he was in
twenty twenty.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
He is reverse aging, he is stronger. He is Benjamin Batan.
He will be our wisest baby president. And by the way,
denying reality still won't save you. There is no level
of loyalty deep enough to be free of Trump cancel culture.
Rona McDaniel literally dropped Romney from her name to keep
(14:36):
Trump happy, and he still fired her. And that Romney
name had gotten her into all the hottest clubs in
Salt Lake City, Yeah, the ones with lattes. Truth is
Trump is the real cancel culture. Emphasis on cult, because
on the right you can say whatever the fuck you
want about gay people and trans people from TikTok to Patreon.
(14:59):
You can decry DEI from podcasts to I don't know
the Governor's office of Florida, and chances are not only
will you be fine, you'll get a raise, but if
you ever dare speak out one iota against Donald Trump,
be yes afraid.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Big news today, the Trump trial is coming to an end,
and just like Stormy Daniel said, it was over much
more quickly than expected. And we've heard from so many
people during this trial. This blonde blob, this other blob,
this one blob with the mustache. You know, it's just
(15:42):
too bad. No one's invented cameras yet. But we haven't
heard from the biggest blob of them all, Donald Trump,
who has been going around telling anybody who will listen
that he is just itching to testify under oath.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
I would have no problem testified. I didn't do anything
wrong with you.
Speaker 8 (16:01):
I'm testifying.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
I tell the truth.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
I mean, all I can do is tell the truth.
Do you plan to testify in court? Probably so, I
would like to.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
I mean I think so, will you testify in your
own defense? Oh?
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Yes, absolutely stand that I would do that. I look
forward to it. Yes, right at the buzzer, Yes, but yes.
Donald Trump has been saying for months how much he
(16:33):
wants to testify. He's like, let's do it. Swear me
in on that shiny book that Mike Pence is always
blah blah lying about. And after four weeks of trial,
today it was finally time for Trump to tell his
side of the story. So here we go, a big guy,
It's the opportunity you've been waiting for.
Speaker 7 (16:52):
The defense has rested, testimony has wrapped, and Donald Trump
notably did not take the stand.
Speaker 14 (16:58):
What what what?
Speaker 3 (17:02):
What? After talking is such a big game, he's not testifying.
So he's doing the opposite of what he told us
he was gonna do over and over again. That's not
the Donald Trump. I know, and I played. I played
full contact hockey without a helmet this morning. But it's
just so peculiar that outside the courtroom with his legal
(17:24):
pads of notes, he just talks and talks and talks.
But then if you ask him to walk just a
few feet inside the courtroom and to swear to tell
the truth under penalty of loss, suddenly he's afraid to speak.
I mean, what's the difference is Is it the fluorescent lighting?
I mean, I hate to even come to this conclusion,
but is it possible that Donald Trump is full of shit?
(17:46):
I mean, mister Trump, mister Trump, are you just full
of shit? Well? I really wanted that. Yeah, well we
should believe in that. We should believe. Let's move on
from Donald Trump to his morally and financially bankrupt former
(18:09):
lawyer Rudy Giuliani. Last week he had an eightieth birthday
party and he got a little surprise present.
Speaker 5 (18:17):
Rudy Giuliani was served with an indictment over the Arizona
twenty twenty fake electors scheme during his eightieth birthday party
late Friday. Giuliani was served two hours after boasting on
social media that he would invade charges.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
Goddamn, I mean served in his own birthday party. Can
you imagine?
Speaker 4 (18:36):
You know?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Hey, can someone take a picture of me taunting the
Arizona court?
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Hey?
Speaker 3 (18:39):
How about you man in a suit and a badge
at my birthday party that I've never seen before? And
this indictment is on top of a one hundred and
fifty million dollar defamation judgment against him. Rudy need Cashi,
all right, but luckily he's got a side hustle.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Today.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
I'm thrilled to introduce you to something I'm incredible proud
of my own brand of organic specialty coffee, Rudy Coffee.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Believe me when I.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Say it's the best coffee.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
You love a truck.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
It's smooth, rich, chocolately and gentle on your stomach.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Wow, gentle on my stomach and chocolately.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
I'll have mine with Malk and Schlager. Also cool apartment, dude,
I mean your kitchen says serial killer, but the rest
of your apartment says still serial killer. And look, I'm
glad there's finally a coffee commercial that's somehow creepier than
the Folger's one where the brother and sister clearly want
(19:40):
to bone each other. I just can't believe he's calling
it Rudy's coffee and not ground zero. Let me keep going.
And in case you're wondering where this delicious looking coffee
is sourced from, I can assure you it comes directly
from Rudy himself. Well, you never heard of drip coffee.
(20:05):
By the way, why is it that you only see
right wing grifters hawking these cheap products Rudy's coffee, Alex
Jones's supplements, Donald Trump's everything. I mean, how come you
don't see liberals getting grifted? And I'll tell you why,
because liberals are too smart to fall for this patronizing
scams that are like this, And as I explain in
my new book, Liberals are too smart to be scammed.
(20:28):
Available on my website for just seventy nine to ninety
nine order now and shipping is doubled. But look, it's
important to remember that Rudy wouldn't be doing any of
this if he wasn't so deep in debt from all
his legal bills. It's actually kind of heartbreaking, but you
can help. For the price of just one bag of coffee,
(20:51):
you can get this poor broke election Denier back on
his feet. Will you please help him smile again?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Gross, No, not like that. Forget it, Take that away,
take that away, take that with it. Never mind, never mind,
never mind.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Right, Let's.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Let's move on to a story out of Australia. Australia
the country named after the two thousand and eight Hugh
Jackman film Australia. It's where one billionaire is learning that
money can't buy you respect.
Speaker 6 (21:21):
An Australian billionaire is apparently not too happy with the
portrait of herself that's on public display.
Speaker 7 (21:27):
That is Australia's richest woman and Gina Ryan Hartch. He
is one of twenty one people featured in the Australia
in Color exhibit that's been on display since March at
the National Gallery of Australia. It's reporter Ryan Harder's demanding
at the gallery remove the portrait.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
Wait, wait, wait, wait, remove the portrait. What's the matter?
You don't want people to know you testified at Donald
Trump's trial. But anyway, what's the big deal with having
an unflattering painting of you? You don't see any of
Picasso's models complaining that their eye is on their forehead
Suck it up, lady, you even if you don't like it,
don't whine about it. Whining is what the rest of
(22:02):
us do. Whining is free. You have money, just pay
another artist to paint a flattering portrait of you. Then
buy the museum and hang your portrait over the other portrait.
Then burn the whole museum down for the insurance money,
and you end up making a profit. Billionaire, shit, let's go.
(22:24):
But this story. Yeah, I mean, use your head, but
this story is really the proof that maybe billionaires aren't
as smart as we all think they are. You know,
if this woman hadn't complained about this painting, practically nobody
would have ever seen it. Hell, I never would have
heard of Gena Reinhardt, or Australia for that matter, animals
(22:45):
with pockets? Who thinks of this stuff? And finally, let's
turn to a story about artificial intelligence. Last week, open
ai released a new version of chat GPT that could talk,
and a lot of people heard it and thought, huh,
this voice sounds a lot like Scarlett Johansson, And one
of those people was Scarlett Johansson.
Speaker 6 (23:06):
This morning, in AI, warning from Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson
saying This voice used by open AI's virtual assistant Sky. Hello,
I'm really excited about teaming up with you. Sounds quote
eerily similar to her own. Hi, how are you doing.
The actress famously played an artificial intelligence system in the
(23:26):
movie Her In twenty thirteen, Johansson says open Ai CEO
Sam Altman wanted to hire her to voice Sky, but
that she declined the offer due to personal reasons. The
actress telling NBC News when she later heard the AI voice,
she was shocked, angered, and in disbelief.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
This is not acceptable. Open ai should be punished for
attempting to steal Scarlett Johansson's voice. In fact, from now on,
they should have to use an off putting voice like
my uncle Dan, who's been smoking his whole life. You
know you don't want to go to that restaurant. That
neighborhood's gotten red diverse, if you know what I mean.
(24:04):
I miss Vietnam all right. For more on the Scarlet
Johanson controversy, we go live to San Francisco, home of
open ai headquarters, with Ronnie Chank. Ronnie, how did Sam
Altman think you get away with this?
Speaker 15 (24:25):
Because he's a nerd and nerds have too much power. Now, Okay,
look at Mount Zuckerberg, bezels elon Musk.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
You can't trust these nerds.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
I don't think that's an appropriate term. What o nerds?
Because what else do you call a.
Speaker 15 (24:42):
Bunch of weirdos who spend all day on computers.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
And don't actor on women. I mean, I call them
socially awkward, shy, introverteds.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Nerds.
Speaker 15 (24:51):
The nerds, the nerds, okay, and nerds used to know
the place, Okay, they knew the rules. Don't not weird,
don't mean icon, don't bring up stop trek, just keep
your head down and get a job at NASA, hosting
a show on MSNBC. Okay, And it worked. Nature was
in balance. But at some point we decided bullying was
(25:13):
mean because nerds had feelings, and then we start treating
them with respect.
Speaker 3 (25:18):
And that was a mistake, all right, running doesn't everyone
deserve respect?
Speaker 15 (25:23):
I sort of got Michael, It's not like a nerd
right now. Okay, don't you understand. We gave them to
us power, and look what happened. They took our financial
system and now it's full of crypto. We let them
build a tech industry and now all mentally ill from
social media. We even shaped our pulp culture to cater
to them, and we got twenty years of nothing but
shitty superhero movies except for the Asian ones.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Those are great. Okay, Okay, all right, all right, all right,
holy shit? All right, all right, so you're right, So
then what do we do?
Speaker 15 (25:54):
The only solution is to make up for lost time? Okay,
we have to find Sam Autman and give him twenty
years wolf of bullying.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
All at once.
Speaker 15 (26:02):
I'm talking two decades wolf of weggies and one wedgie.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
Okay.
Speaker 15 (26:06):
I want that underwear to go around his head and
then again, over and over and over until he's ask
can smell his face.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Okay, all right, but what type of fabric would have
the tensile strength to support the recrusive force required to
I don't know what I look like a nerd?
Speaker 5 (26:21):
Get that.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Get that science shit out of here. So let me
be clear. So you're advocating bullying.
Speaker 15 (26:26):
No, I'm advocating balance.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Okay.
Speaker 15 (26:30):
Our ecosystem requires a proper mix of nerds and bullying,
and it's out of whack right now, okay, And I'm
willing to be the hero that will get things back
on track.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
I don't know, Ronnie, I'm I don't know Ronnie. Is
bullying ever? Really? The answer?
Speaker 15 (26:49):
Just shut the fuck up, Okay, don't put me in
there and give me a lunch money.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
Okay, I'm right, You're right, You're right, right, Ronnie Chaning,
everybody sorry.
Speaker 15 (26:58):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and.
Speaker 15 (27:08):
Stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast now
You're listening to Comedy Central, we.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Got a great job for you tonight. There is so
much going on in the world right now. The President
of Iran died in a help goopnacrast, the International Criminal
Court is moving towards arrest warrants for Bibi Netanyahu, and
Michael Cohen admitted on the stand today he stole money
from the Trump organization. Only in a Donald Trump trial
(00:32):
with the star witness be the one who ends up
going to jail.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
How lucky is Donald Trump?
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Donald Trump is like a corruption mister Magoo. He's just
stumbling around quid pro quohen metal beams falling all around him,
gets out completely unscathed. But forget about all that, because
there is one story still with so many unanswered questions.
It made its way all the way to the White
(01:05):
House Press Corps.
Speaker 4 (01:07):
Can we still assume that the Kansas City chiefs will
be visiting the White House this year in celebration of
their support old victory?
Speaker 5 (01:13):
You confirm is.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
The Chief's kicker, Harrison Bucker, Welcome out of this White House?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Butker Apparently the Kansas City Chiefs Field Gold Kicker gave
a conservative Catholic commencement speech at a conservative Catholic college
seems expected, although we did have a shout out to
the ladies.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Some of you may go on to lead successful careers
in the world, but I would venture to guess that
the majority of you are most excited about your marriage
and the children you will bring into this world. Haha.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
All right, apparently enjoy the pta, bitches, not the advice
you want to hear when you're one hundred thousand dollars
in debt earning a degree in electrical engineering. But I
imagine that the cancelation of.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
One Harrison Butker was swift and unforgiving.
Speaker 7 (02:13):
At the White House, what I can say is we
invite the entire team, and we do that always.
Speaker 8 (02:18):
I don't have anything beyond that.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Aha, you wok ARATEI at the Communist Wait, well, I'm sorry,
what was that?
Speaker 4 (02:24):
What did you do?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
He can still go to the White House and be
on his football team, and all that's really happened is
some people roasted.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Him on TikTok.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
So I guess this is just kind of a passing distraction,
or if you happened to tune into more conservative media.
Speaker 9 (02:42):
Major scandal rocking the NFL players in big trouble not
for doing drugs, betting or beating women, but because he's Christian.
Speaker 10 (02:51):
The left seeks to destroy an outspoken NFL Catholic.
Speaker 11 (02:55):
He's been docks, he's been slammed, he's still calling for
him to be canceled.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Left hate it's Christian values, and.
Speaker 11 (03:01):
They will try to denigrate you, isolate you, cancel you,
and ultimately silence you completely.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
But be not afraid.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
How can I be not afraid when what you have
proffered is so afraidable, by the way, and you're hitting
us with that King James sentence structure.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Be not afraid.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
People only say that when there's shit to be afraid of.
Speaker 4 (03:36):
Let's say three to four horsemen.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
But my question to the right, I guess is have
you never been on the internet before? Because that's all
it is. It's just people giving each other shit all
the time. I mean, my god, you're all so thin skinned. Look,
Jerry Seinfeld took more shit over the past two weeks
promoting a pop tar movie that Harrison Butker did for
(04:03):
his entire speech, And I ask you people, what is
the deal with that?
Speaker 4 (04:13):
Now? I'm not doing an impression.
Speaker 12 (04:16):
I I legitimately would like to know why he's taking
so much shit about everything from everybody, and who are
these people?
Speaker 4 (04:34):
It's so hard not to do the voice?
Speaker 2 (04:37):
And who uh these people? Now?
Speaker 3 (04:41):
It's that.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
It's the Jerry Seinfeld impression is the first thing a
Jew learns in kindergarten.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Of course, nothing about the right wing reaction is surprising,
because the idea that there is an all pervasive, all
powerful threat to free speech called cancel culture has become
a central tenet of modern conservatism. They celebrate their being
silenced at conferences, They celebrate their being silenced on podcasts
and streaming outlets. They celebrate their being silenced with over
(05:19):
seven hundred book titles about being canceled.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Why are there so many off these books?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Unless you don't know nobody reads anymore. And by the way,
if you already read a war on woke and woke inc,
you're really not going to learn anything from woke warriors.
Conservatives have an entire industry devoted to complaining about not
(05:52):
being allowed to say the things they say all the time.
Their victimhood is the entire brand.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You can no longer say somebody is homeless. You have
to say they are unhoused. Free phones, food and clothing
sounds like a great deal.
Speaker 11 (06:06):
A homeless woman in a Democrat run city appreciated.
Speaker 10 (06:09):
We won't be allowed to say illegal aliens because it'll
be hate speech and therefore illegal.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
Illegal aliens streaming across our border.
Speaker 9 (06:15):
Transagenda's are religion now convert or be canceled. Big Trans
is a real knack for making everything about themselves.
Speaker 11 (06:20):
Dare to speak your mind about issues like pro life,
Well your life could be ruined forever. You could be canceled.
I'm never going to apologize for being pro life.
Speaker 10 (06:30):
How did we get to the point where we can
say all lives matter? As a matter of fact, all
lives matter.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
All of you still speak? How doesn't the woke mob
have cable? But this is their identity now, constant victimization.
They say what they want and if you get upset
about it, you don't believe in freedom.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
I just believe in freedom.
Speaker 10 (06:57):
Why are liberals so afraid of freedom and freedom of
I don't get outraged if you don't like with somebody saying, Oh,
you can turn off the TV, turn off a radio dial,
turn off a podcast, walk out of a commencement, or.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
You could buy a different beer than bud light without
going into your back swamp and assassinating six times.
Speaker 13 (07:20):
We're so unbelievable, They're so full of shit that Sean
Hannity can say with a square head, I'm not the
kind of guy who gets outraged, Sean Hannity, He's basically
(07:41):
just a meat bag support system for a forehead vein.
Speaker 10 (07:46):
Tonight, every American has a right to be angry and
ticked off. We have a story that will make your
blood boil.
Speaker 12 (07:51):
Now.
Speaker 10 (07:51):
The left is hell bent on banning doctor Seuss, pepe
Lepew Dumbo, Peter Panner on the chopping blocks, deemonious, self righteous,
frankly overpaid, lazy, agenda driven liars from a pompous jackass.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Do you even know what my job is?
Speaker 10 (08:08):
What part of this k you get through your thick head?
My message tonight to these snowflakes is very simple. You
people discussed me.
Speaker 4 (08:19):
But every snowflake is different. We can't all discuss you.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Look, it is absolutely true that in our modern social
media driven society, our interactions are incentivized and monetized for outrage,
and it is feeling exhausting for everyone. But contrary to
your conservative book industry, the outrage isn't just coming from
the left, It's coming from the left, the right, for
(08:54):
the right, for the left, and the swifties. And why
a readers and anybody who dare to lift their head
up to say fighting anything.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
We are not censored or silenced.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
We are surrounded by an inundated with more speech than
has ever existed in the history of communication. And it
is all weaponized by professional outrage hunters of all stripes,
scouring the globe for graduation speech snippets, off hand comments
during promotional tours, out of context comedy bits, lay marketing ideas,
(09:27):
or any words and phrases they believe they can latch
onto to generate monetized clicks. Outrage is the engine of
our modern media economy. And sometimes someone loses a job
or something else happens like that that should never fighting happen.
Speaker 14 (09:45):
But but.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
I leaned over so far I may never get back
up again.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
But contrary to conservatives victimization complex, there is no organized
cancel culture, conspiracy or even the slightest misstep can one
hundred percent get someone on the right canceled.
Speaker 4 (10:18):
Actually there is, oh, there is one.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
Congresswoman Liz Cheney gets kicked out of Wyoming's Republican Party
for opposing Trump.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, as irony would have it, it turns out that
when it comes to cancel culture, the ones who smelt
it dealt it. There is someone canceling people on the right.
But the only one canceling people on the right is
Donald Trump, and anyone who dare speak out against him
(10:51):
refused to buy into Trump's stolen election claims, and you'll
lose your job like Liz Cheney or countless others.
Speaker 4 (10:57):
In fact, everything the right says.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Cancel culture does to them is actually being done by maga.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
For example, they.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Will shout you down and try to shut you down
as opposed to discuss with you. Yes, the woke mob
shouts you down.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
And what happens when you're a Republican and dare criticize
the boy king.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
That is a failure of leadership.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
And I you could boo all you want, but here's
the thing.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Donald Trump is running to stay out of prison. And
if we elect I know, I know, I know, you
know me as.
Speaker 9 (11:36):
A person who says what he thinks that I don't
have the fact that I wasn't a fan of.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Our last president's character issues and I'm all of a sudden.
Speaker 14 (11:52):
Show some bad respect. Romney, You piece of shit, mother.
It's called Claire's look. I was telling you mother the
last night.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Dickory Dormain, Your mom was fucking a moment.
Speaker 4 (12:14):
Oh you like him?
Speaker 3 (12:15):
What's what's another heir? And I write the Power Trip?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
By the way, what's another thing that the right hates about?
Speaker 4 (12:22):
Woke cancel culture?
Speaker 10 (12:24):
Many Americans feel forced to stay silent for fear of
upsetting the cancel culture mob.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Yes, under cancel culture, you can only speak your truths
in private, well denying them in public. For instance, this
poor young fella who privately wrote of Trump, He's a demonic.
Speaker 4 (12:40):
Force, a destroyer.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
I hate him passionately, he wrote in private, but of
course in public, fearing the cancel mob, he's forced to
stand next to his tormentor with what can only be
described as the fakest of overlap faces.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Grab a b.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
But that's cancel culture. It won't let you speak the truth.
In fact, it makes you do something even worse.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
The left is married to censorship and has nothing else.
That's how you get people to believe in an alternate reality.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Yeah, the woke mob is so permicious. It forces you
to deny reality. Like imagine if Trump ever gave a
speech about January sixth, where he clearly confuses Nicky Haley
with Nancy Pelosi.
Speaker 8 (13:27):
Nicki Haley, you know they did, you know they destroyed
all of the information, all of the evidence, everything because
of lots of things, Like Nicki Haley is in judge
of security. We offered her ten thousand people.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Now, in a healthy discourse, you would just go, hey, man,
you know everybody brain farts sometimes, you know, whatever it is.
But under the Maga cancel culture, mob people like Congresswoman
Staphanic have to pretend this was all part of a
grand strategy.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
That isn't a mix up. The reality is Nicki j
doesn't speak.
Speaker 6 (13:58):
Nicky Haley is relying on mccrats just like Nancy Pelosi
to try to have a desperate showing in New Hampshire.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
But he was talking about January seven. Strump has not
lost his step.
Speaker 15 (14:08):
He is a stronger candidate, stronger than he is today
than he was in twenty sixteen and he was in
twenty twenty.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
He is reverse aging, he is stronger. He is Benjamin Batan.
He will be our wisest baby president. And by the way,
denying reality still won't save you. There is no level
of loyalty deep enough to be free of Trump cancel culture.
Rona McDaniel literally dropped Romney from her name to keep
(14:36):
Trump happy, and he still fired her. And that Romney
name had gotten her into all the hottest clubs in
Salt Lake City, Yeah, the ones with lattes. Truth is
Trump is the real cancel culture. Emphasis on cult, because
on the right you can say whatever the fuck you
want about gay people and trans people from TikTok to Patreon.
(14:59):
You can decry DEI from podcasts to I don't know
the Governor's office of Florida, and chances are not only
will you be fine, you'll get a raise, but if
you ever dare speak out one iota against Donald Trump,
be yes afraid.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Big news today, the Trump trial is coming to an end,
and just like Stormy Daniel said, it was over much
more quickly than expected. And we've heard from so many
people during this trial. This blonde blob, this other blob,
this one blob with the mustache. You know, it's just
(15:42):
too bad. No one's invented cameras yet. But we haven't
heard from the biggest blob of them all, Donald Trump,
who has been going around telling anybody who will listen
that he is just itching to testify under oath.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
I would have no problem testified. I didn't do anything
wrong with you.
Speaker 8 (16:01):
I'm testifying.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
I tell the truth.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
I mean, all I can do is tell the truth.
Do you plan to testify in court? Probably so, I
would like to.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
I mean I think so, will you testify in your
own defense? Oh?
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Yes, absolutely stand that I would do that. I look
forward to it. Yes, right at the buzzer, Yes, but yes.
Donald Trump has been saying for months how much he
(16:33):
wants to testify. He's like, let's do it. Swear me
in on that shiny book that Mike Pence is always
blah blah lying about. And after four weeks of trial,
today it was finally time for Trump to tell his
side of the story. So here we go, a big guy,
It's the opportunity you've been waiting for.
Speaker 7 (16:52):
The defense has rested, testimony has wrapped, and Donald Trump
notably did not take the stand.
Speaker 14 (16:58):
What what what?
Speaker 3 (17:02):
What? After talking is such a big game, he's not testifying.
So he's doing the opposite of what he told us
he was gonna do over and over again. That's not
the Donald Trump. I know, and I played. I played
full contact hockey without a helmet this morning. But it's
just so peculiar that outside the courtroom with his legal
(17:24):
pads of notes, he just talks and talks and talks.
But then if you ask him to walk just a
few feet inside the courtroom and to swear to tell
the truth under penalty of loss, suddenly he's afraid to speak.
I mean, what's the difference is Is it the fluorescent lighting?
I mean, I hate to even come to this conclusion,
but is it possible that Donald Trump is full of shit?
(17:46):
I mean, mister Trump, mister Trump, are you just full
of shit? Well? I really wanted that. Yeah, well we
should believe in that. We should believe. Let's move on
from Donald Trump to his morally and financially bankrupt former
(18:09):
lawyer Rudy Giuliani. Last week he had an eightieth birthday
party and he got a little surprise present.
Speaker 5 (18:17):
Rudy Giuliani was served with an indictment over the Arizona
twenty twenty fake electors scheme during his eightieth birthday party
late Friday. Giuliani was served two hours after boasting on
social media that he would invade charges.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
Goddamn, I mean served in his own birthday party. Can
you imagine?
Speaker 4 (18:36):
You know?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Hey, can someone take a picture of me taunting the
Arizona court?
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Hey?
Speaker 3 (18:39):
How about you man in a suit and a badge
at my birthday party that I've never seen before? And
this indictment is on top of a one hundred and
fifty million dollar defamation judgment against him. Rudy need Cashi,
all right, but luckily he's got a side hustle.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Today.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
I'm thrilled to introduce you to something I'm incredible proud
of my own brand of organic specialty coffee, Rudy Coffee.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Believe me when I.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Say it's the best coffee.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
You love a truck.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
It's smooth, rich, chocolately and gentle on your stomach.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Wow, gentle on my stomach and chocolately.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
I'll have mine with Malk and Schlager. Also cool apartment, dude,
I mean your kitchen says serial killer, but the rest
of your apartment says still serial killer. And look, I'm
glad there's finally a coffee commercial that's somehow creepier than
the Folger's one where the brother and sister clearly want
(19:40):
to bone each other. I just can't believe he's calling
it Rudy's coffee and not ground zero. Let me keep going.
And in case you're wondering where this delicious looking coffee
is sourced from, I can assure you it comes directly
from Rudy himself. Well, you never heard of drip coffee.
(20:05):
By the way, why is it that you only see
right wing grifters hawking these cheap products Rudy's coffee, Alex
Jones's supplements, Donald Trump's everything. I mean, how come you
don't see liberals getting grifted? And I'll tell you why,
because liberals are too smart to fall for this patronizing
scams that are like this, And as I explain in
my new book, Liberals are too smart to be scammed.
(20:28):
Available on my website for just seventy nine to ninety
nine order now and shipping is doubled. But look, it's
important to remember that Rudy wouldn't be doing any of
this if he wasn't so deep in debt from all
his legal bills. It's actually kind of heartbreaking, but you
can help. For the price of just one bag of coffee,
(20:51):
you can get this poor broke election Denier back on
his feet. Will you please help him smile again?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Gross, No, not like that. Forget it, Take that away,
take that away, take that with it. Never mind, never mind,
never mind.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Right, Let's.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Let's move on to a story out of Australia. Australia
the country named after the two thousand and eight Hugh
Jackman film Australia. It's where one billionaire is learning that
money can't buy you respect.
Speaker 6 (21:21):
An Australian billionaire is apparently not too happy with the
portrait of herself that's on public display.
Speaker 7 (21:27):
That is Australia's richest woman and Gina Ryan Hartch. He
is one of twenty one people featured in the Australia
in Color exhibit that's been on display since March at
the National Gallery of Australia. It's reporter Ryan Harder's demanding
at the gallery remove the portrait.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
Wait, wait, wait, wait, remove the portrait. What's the matter?
You don't want people to know you testified at Donald
Trump's trial. But anyway, what's the big deal with having
an unflattering painting of you? You don't see any of
Picasso's models complaining that their eye is on their forehead
Suck it up, lady, you even if you don't like it,
don't whine about it. Whining is what the rest of
(22:02):
us do. Whining is free. You have money, just pay
another artist to paint a flattering portrait of you. Then
buy the museum and hang your portrait over the other portrait.
Then burn the whole museum down for the insurance money,
and you end up making a profit. Billionaire, shit, let's go.
(22:24):
But this story. Yeah, I mean, use your head, but
this story is really the proof that maybe billionaires aren't
as smart as we all think they are. You know,
if this woman hadn't complained about this painting, practically nobody
would have ever seen it. Hell, I never would have
heard of Gena Reinhardt, or Australia for that matter, animals
(22:45):
with pockets? Who thinks of this stuff? And finally, let's
turn to a story about artificial intelligence. Last week, open
ai released a new version of chat GPT that could talk,
and a lot of people heard it and thought, huh,
this voice sounds a lot like Scarlett Johansson, And one
of those people was Scarlett Johansson.
Speaker 6 (23:06):
This morning, in AI, warning from Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson
saying This voice used by open AI's virtual assistant Sky. Hello,
I'm really excited about teaming up with you. Sounds quote
eerily similar to her own. Hi, how are you doing.
The actress famously played an artificial intelligence system in the
(23:26):
movie Her In twenty thirteen, Johansson says open Ai CEO
Sam Altman wanted to hire her to voice Sky, but
that she declined the offer due to personal reasons. The
actress telling NBC News when she later heard the AI voice,
she was shocked, angered, and in disbelief.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
This is not acceptable. Open ai should be punished for
attempting to steal Scarlett Johansson's voice. In fact, from now on,
they should have to use an off putting voice like
my uncle Dan, who's been smoking his whole life. You
know you don't want to go to that restaurant. That
neighborhood's gotten red diverse, if you know what I mean.
(24:04):
I miss Vietnam all right. For more on the Scarlet
Johanson controversy, we go live to San Francisco, home of
open ai headquarters, with Ronnie Chank. Ronnie, how did Sam
Altman think you get away with this?
Speaker 15 (24:25):
Because he's a nerd and nerds have too much power. Now, Okay,
look at Mount Zuckerberg, bezels elon Musk.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
You can't trust these nerds.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
I don't think that's an appropriate term. What o nerds?
Because what else do you call a.
Speaker 15 (24:42):
Bunch of weirdos who spend all day on computers.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
And don't actor on women. I mean, I call them
socially awkward, shy, introverteds.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Nerds.
Speaker 15 (24:51):
The nerds, the nerds, okay, and nerds used to know
the place, Okay, they knew the rules. Don't not weird,
don't mean icon, don't bring up stop trek, just keep
your head down and get a job at NASA, hosting
a show on MSNBC. Okay, And it worked. Nature was
in balance. But at some point we decided bullying was
(25:13):
mean because nerds had feelings, and then we start treating
them with respect.
Speaker 3 (25:18):
And that was a mistake, all right, running doesn't everyone
deserve respect?
Speaker 15 (25:23):
I sort of got Michael, It's not like a nerd
right now. Okay, don't you understand. We gave them to
us power, and look what happened. They took our financial
system and now it's full of crypto. We let them
build a tech industry and now all mentally ill from
social media. We even shaped our pulp culture to cater
to them, and we got twenty years of nothing but
shitty superhero movies except for the Asian ones.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Those are great. Okay, Okay, all right, all right, all right,
holy shit? All right, all right, so you're right, So
then what do we do?
Speaker 15 (25:54):
The only solution is to make up for lost time? Okay,
we have to find Sam Autman and give him twenty
years wolf of bullying.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
All at once.
Speaker 15 (26:02):
I'm talking two decades wolf of weggies and one wedgie.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
Okay.
Speaker 15 (26:06):
I want that underwear to go around his head and
then again, over and over and over until he's ask
can smell his face.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Okay, all right, but what type of fabric would have
the tensile strength to support the recrusive force required to
I don't know what I look like a nerd?
Speaker 5 (26:21):
Get that.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Get that science shit out of here. So let me
be clear. So you're advocating bullying.
Speaker 15 (26:26):
No, I'm advocating balance.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Okay.
Speaker 15 (26:30):
Our ecosystem requires a proper mix of nerds and bullying,
and it's out of whack right now, okay, And I'm
willing to be the hero that will get things back
on track.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
I don't know, Ronnie, I'm I don't know Ronnie. Is
bullying ever? Really? The answer?
Speaker 15 (26:49):
Just shut the fuck up, Okay, don't put me in
there and give me a lunch money.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
Okay, I'm right, You're right, You're right, right, Ronnie Chaning,
everybody sorry.
Speaker 15 (26:58):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and.
Speaker 15 (27:08):
Stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast now
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