Jon Stewart kicks off the week with coverage on Iran's attack on Israel and Israel's plan to strike back. He also discusses the start Donald Trump's criminal trial. Plus, Dulcé Sloan covers jury selection for Trump's trial, Red Lobster filing for bankruptcy, and how Nike's new Team USA women's track uniforms are a little too revealing.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Yow hey, you're gonna doubt your My name is John Stuart,
unbelievable show.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
They're already exhausted from the olden. By the way, how
was your weekend? My weekend was breaking. At this moment,
Israel underfire from Iran.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
It's just raining rockets with those sirens blaring out.
Speaker 4 (00:34):
We do effectively have World War three in progress.
Speaker 5 (00:41):
Oh no, not world War three.
Speaker 6 (00:46):
I'm still writing a rock war on all my checks.
But yes, the skies above Israel were lit up like I.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Want to say Christmas tree, but that's probably not for
that area.
Speaker 6 (01:06):
Menora is the moment society has dreaded since the arms cysts.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Of nineteen forty five finally upon us.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
As Einstein said, he doesn't know what weapons World War
II will be fought with, but he knows the next
ones will be fought with sticks and stones. This is
John Stewart's signing up. May God bless us and everyone
and let future civilizations know that we could not overcome
our fatal nature.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
In the end, there was almost no damage, as is.
Speaker 6 (01:36):
The US and other rallies shot down ninety nine percent
of Iran's missiles and drones. Huh wasn't World worth three?
Speaker 1 (01:55):
I certainly regret doing this.
Speaker 6 (02:03):
Oh boy, moment of panic and I guess sort of
a primitive instinct.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
But is that me did I art garful?
Speaker 6 (02:21):
But kudos to the United States and to Israel. It
shows just how effective a military defense system can be.
When you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
It really helps to build the And the best part
is we did it with no help.
Speaker 6 (02:43):
The two amigos, surrounded by hostile Arab nations united in
their zeal to destroy Israel.
Speaker 7 (02:51):
Jordan's air force also intercepted and shot down dozens of
drones that violated its airspace and were on their way
to Israel.
Speaker 6 (03:00):
Now learned that Saudi Arabia and the UAE provided real
time intelligence that helped track the incoming missiles. What are
the teams in these wars? I don't even know the
teams anymore. The Arab countries are helping Israel. I don't
know what the teams are. We need to sort this
(03:20):
out with jerseys or something, because Iran could attack at
any moment.
Speaker 8 (03:27):
In a statement, Iran said it now considers the matter concluded.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Hey, do you hear that we're good.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
We're good.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
We don't. By the way, he was delicious. Really, that's
what got anyway, We're gonna be okay.
Speaker 9 (03:57):
Israel has vowed it will respond to Iran.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
All right, Can I have a word with you Middle East?
Over here?
Speaker 6 (04:16):
Ah shaloma lekam trying.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
To cover all bases.
Speaker 6 (04:23):
Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but when we
in the West drew your region's borders and set you
up with perfectly functioning dictatorships.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
We expected a little better. See.
Speaker 6 (04:40):
The agreement was we would make up a whole new
bunch of countries, some of which made sense, and in return,
you would give us your delicious oil.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
That was the deal.
Speaker 6 (04:54):
You give us your delicious oil, and we take it.
We certainly didn't expect to get drawn into all the
drama that are that our actions created, and now these
(05:15):
wars have got us all turned around. At one point,
we're helping a rock fight Iran, and then we're invading
a Rock, and now we're helping Iron fight Isis, and
then we're using Isis to help fight Huthis that are
backed by Iran. I mean, you know, in Gaza, we're
actually bombing them and feeding them.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
How do you think that makes it feel?
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Oh? Oh, oh, did you have a nice sandwich?
Speaker 10 (05:38):
Run?
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
And apparently now.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
There's two kinds of Islam.
Speaker 6 (05:44):
I mean, you could have told us that before we
got into this. As I said earlier, arbitrarily jerrymandered your homeland.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
So do better keep that oil coming the way.
Speaker 6 (06:01):
We got enough trouble keeping track of our own wars.
Like this weekend, our former president and illustrious historian Donald J.
Trump spoke near one of America's most hallowed battlefields. And
if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
Well buckle up Gettysburg.
Speaker 10 (06:18):
What an unbelievable battle. That was the Battle of Gettysburg.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
What an unbelievable I.
Speaker 10 (06:24):
Mean, it was so much and so interesting, and so
vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways.
It represented such a big portion of the success of
this country. Getty's greg Wow.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
That is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh grade book
report Gettysburg.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Wow, I did not have on my own.
Speaker 6 (07:07):
It was vicious and horrible and beautiful. Is he talking
about a Civil war battle or a horse giving birth?
It was bloody, but it's life now.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Obviously not a Civil War buff like but unlike me.
He even knows all the famous quotes.
Speaker 10 (07:32):
I go to get his break Pennsylvania, to look and
to watch and the statement of Roberty Lee, who's no
longer in favor? Did you ever notice that no longer
in favor? Never fight uphill, me boys, Never fight uphill.
They were fighting uphill. He said, Wow, that was a
big mistake. He lost his great general and they were fighting.
Never fight uphill me boys.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
It is.
Speaker 6 (08:06):
It is true the North did have the higher ground,
but I'm pretty sure that Robert E. Lee was not
a leprechaun. I never fight uphill, me byes. That's not
how to take back the Narth's potty lord. You can't
be fighting up here me byes. Also a minor point,
(08:29):
but I'm pretty sure Robert Lee would not have told
them never fight up hill, since he's the one who
told them to fight up hill. He wasn't like, you know,
they go up the hill. I'm gonna be so mad
if they do that. They go up the hill. Long
Street actually told them they'll go up the hill. That
Roberty Lee said.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Me byes will do what they want.
Speaker 6 (08:55):
Although, to be fair to former President Donald Trump, he
does have a lot on his mind right now.
Speaker 11 (09:00):
Out of breaking news, the first ever criminal trial involving
a former president will soon get underweight.
Speaker 6 (09:05):
Oh my god, Donald, don't run up that hit me bye?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Stay down, Stay down to hear me by, stay down.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
Yes.
Speaker 6 (09:17):
After years of anticipation, the first criminal trial of a
former president has begun, and by all accounts, it is
absolutely rivetting.
Speaker 7 (09:24):
Forty minutes ago, you wrote to an observation that I
was very surprised Trump appears to be sleeping. His head
keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack.
Speaker 4 (09:34):
Tell us about.
Speaker 9 (09:35):
That, well, Jakie, if you're to be asleep, ay, jake,
Well part a head down, ice closed, drool coming of
his mouth.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Do you not get over here? He snore it. He's
doing the hun shoe, he's doing.
Speaker 6 (09:59):
The there's a piece of paper going up and down and.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Up and down, and there's not He's just sleep.
Speaker 6 (10:11):
Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your
own trial. Move on to the good stuff now in case,
in case you've lost track, this is the trial where
Trump allegedly paid hush money to an adult film star
that he slept with and then allegedly falsified business records
to cover it up.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Or, as Trump would put.
Speaker 6 (10:32):
It, this is an elegical persecution.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
This is a persecution like never before.
Speaker 6 (10:37):
Nobody's ever seated a big like it.
Speaker 10 (10:39):
And again it's a case that should have never been brooked.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
It's to the soul character.
Speaker 10 (10:46):
And that's why I heard you're having to be here.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Well, it's true.
Speaker 6 (10:51):
Trump is always very proud to be part of any
assault on America. Look even oh words, yes, mister Stewart,
we agree. Look, even if the prosecution is a bit
(11:13):
of a stretch, it's not persecution.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
The guy's not Nelson Mandela or Jesus.
Speaker 10 (11:17):
I don't mind being Nelson Mandela because I'm doing it
for a reason.
Speaker 8 (11:21):
Trump also shared two articles that compared him to Jesus Christ.
One was titled quote the Crucifixion of Donald Trump.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
I don't let him crucify you me, boy.
Speaker 6 (11:34):
We had full team coverage out of the courthouse in
Lower Manhattan today. Here with an update on which Martyr
Trump more resembles Jesus or Nelson Mandela. It's Ronnie Chang
and Asi Lida. I'm going to start with Ronnie Chang
(11:57):
Jesus or Mendela.
Speaker 4 (11:59):
Clearly Mendela, all right, both are two heroes unjustly persecuted
by a corrupt legal system. And as Mendela often said,
and I quote, this is a witch hunt hoax. I've
never even met horseface.
Speaker 11 (12:13):
I totally disagree. Ronnie Jesus Christ. He's obviously Jesus Christ.
It's right there in the New Testament or in its sequel,
The Art of the Deal, chapter ten, verse eight, and
lo he evicted the rent controlled tenants, and it was
good and tremendous and vicious and beautiful Jesus.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Oh, hang on, hang on, just think about this second. Okay,
Trump and Mendela they both had three wives, eh, Jesus.
They even have a serious girlfriend. Okay, the guy had
no Riz.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I don't think Rizz is an approvate anyway.
Speaker 6 (12:57):
Mendela was in prison for twenty seven years, honey, Yes.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
But if you add up all the prison sentences Trump
got for other people from January sixth and his campaign
and his business, it's way more than twenty seven years. Okay,
Trump is like ten Nelson mandelas.
Speaker 11 (13:16):
No, Ronnie Trump is Jesus. They both have a ton
of buildings with their names on them, filled with portraits
of themselves to be worshiped, and they both sold sneakers,
gold sneakers.
Speaker 5 (13:28):
Hold On, hold on, I'm sorry to interrupt that this
is ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Okay, Johnson, everybody.
Speaker 5 (13:41):
Trump is not Mandela or Jesus. Okay, we all know
that Donald Trump is oj.
Speaker 6 (13:55):
H.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
I don't think that, did you say? OJ?
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (13:58):
John OJ Trump? They were both iconic celebrities in the eighties.
Plus Donald J. Trump is the j for juice probably,
but most importantly, their obvious guilt didn't deter their loyal fans,
who either think they're innocent or don't care they're guilty.
Speaker 11 (14:19):
Jesus had loyal fans not like this.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
So if he's OJ, you're saying that whether or not
Trump's slept with Stormy Daniels or paid Stormy Daniels hush money,
it's not gonna matter. He's walking away a free man.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
Yes, And personally, I'm excited for the moment in the
trial when Trump will drop his pants and say, if
the glove don't fit, you must.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
Have quit.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Y guilty and Josh, everybody, We've got so much to
talk about tonight. Trump's got himself a real New York jury,
red Lobsters and trouble Girl, and the newest Olympics b
is gynecology. So let's get to that line. Let's begin
(15:10):
let's sports, all right, It's now just one hundred days
into the Summer Olympics. When we find out which are
the world's athletes? Is most like a dolphin? So yesterday
Nike unveiled the new Team USA uniforms, and one of
the options for women's track and field is getting a
lot of attention. Oh is this not getting your attention?
(15:34):
Zoom in zoomn right, we got your attention. Now look
at this. That doesn't even come into a mannequin's pussy
and she ain't even got one. This outfit should not
be for Team USA, Team Brazilian. Absolutely, And what is
(15:54):
the point of this? Are they trying to distract the
other competitors? Folks just slamming in aurs like, oh, I
forgot to jump. I was looking at that vagina. Don't
nobody want to see this? What we want to see
is that man from Tonga put him up? I miss you.
(16:15):
In other sports news, NBA player John tay Porter recently
got caught gambling on his own team and even faking
injuries to influence bets, and today the NBA banned him
for life. It's the harshest punishment the NBA can hand down,
besides making you play for the Detroit Pistons. I mean,
(16:38):
I guess it's easier to fake an injury than to
play better, but still, fixing games is an unacceptable thing
for an NBA player to do. Now if it was
the WNBA, I mean, listen, they are underpaid. You need
a side hustle. You gotta do what you gotta do
with this. Now. Moving on, if you're going on ad
(17:00):
anniversary dinner, I got some news for you. Red Lobster
is considering filing for bankruptcy, which is ironic because every
customer in Red Lobster is already broke. Now. The report
says it's because of expensive leases and labor costs, but
(17:20):
you know who I blame. Men. That's right, y'all aren't
living up to Beyoncey standards. Y'all. Not your woman good
enough to earn that trip to Red Lobster. That's what happened.
Your dick game is weak, and now an entire restaurant
chain is going under should be ashamed of yourselves. But
(17:43):
this doesn't affect me though. I get my seafood from
the tank set an aquarium.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Anyway.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
See, I'm dating this guy who gets into school again
and cleans the glass. He brings me the best up.
Have you ever had a luga? Well? Ooh, it's delicious.
But go to the big story, the trial of Donald
cell Block J. Trump and another edition of America's Most
(18:08):
Tremendously Wanted. The whole thing is a scam. The courthouse
is on break today, you know, because it's Wednesday. So
when they let out yesterday, Trump celebrated with a little
tour of New York's hotspots. New York City may be
(18:31):
heavily democratic, but former President Trump campaigned there anyway. Tuesday,
visiting a bodega after.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
Jury selection in his Manhattan hush money trial wrapped up
for the day.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Movie star, it's going to be a movie star? Huh?
Speaker 3 (18:45):
You are you kidding me? Donald Trump? You're gonna tell
an immigrant father that his son should get into acting?
What is wrong with you? As soon as you leave,
the dad is gonna be like, don't you listening to
that crazy man? You're taking this store over When I
die By the way, if you're from New York, you
(19:07):
know it killed all those guys. Have Trump standing there
in the store wasting everyone's time. That owner was two
seconds from being like, hey, Donald, buy something. I get
the fuck out now, I will say. I mean, I'm
surprised Trump didn't hit up the lotto machine while he
was there. Dude, owes over five hundred million dollars in fines.
Can you imagine owing so much money that you have
(19:28):
to hit power Ball just to get back to zero. Now,
as for the actual trial, this week is all about
picking a jury. And it might seem impossible to find
twelve New Yorkers with an unbiased opinion of Donald Trump,
but they're actually making some progress.
Speaker 12 (19:46):
This morning, seven jurors are sworn in to hear the
historic criminal case against Donald Trump. So far, there are
three women and four men. The foeman's originally from Ireland
and still has the accent.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah, yeah, he better still have the accent. What's the
point of telling me he's from Ireland if he doesn't
have the accent. An Irishman with no accent is just
a white dude in America. It's funny how the news
can only point out someone's accent if they're white, you
can be sure. Wolf Blitzer is never gonna be like
(20:21):
he's originally from China and he still got the accent. No,
Wolf Blitzer, You're gonna get cancer, friend, can so? And look,
if you're gonna be found guilty, you want to hear
it in an Irish accent. It's so pleasant and charming.
He's like, looks like you're training in a pedigatus for
some toilet wine. Me like, I don't know why we
(20:44):
look for me to do an Irish accent. It sounds
crazy anyway. Aside from Patty McGee, who else is on
this jury.
Speaker 7 (20:52):
It's an interesting cross section of the kind of people
in Manhattan. The jury of Donald Trump's peers.
Speaker 12 (20:57):
There's an oncology nurse who said no one is above
the law. A teacher from a family of police officers
said President Trump speaks his mind. That a grandfather from
Puerto Rico who called Trump fascinating and mysterious.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Fascinating and mysterious. He's not a Chanello fragrance. And this
dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells
us everything he's thinking. I know the names of all
the people he's at sex with I heard the details
of what his penis looks like like the only mysterious
thing about him is what animal they made his wig
out of. For more on the jury selection, let's go
(21:35):
live to the courthouse with Josh John Zay. So, Josh,
what's the rest of the jury gonna look like?
Speaker 5 (21:50):
Well, ideally they'll end up with a jury that represents
New York and they already have a nurse, a teacher,
and a Puerto Rican So now they just need a
white woman who calls herself a witch and feels bad
about gentrifying but definitely isn't moving. I'm told they're also
looking for a subway masturbator and someone with a history,
(22:11):
someone with a history of being stabbed or stabbing, and
to represent the views of Staten Island, they're looking for
firemen or a racist. Raise is the guests who ideally
everybody And of course they're definitely going to want a
young black man who's nicely dressed, non threatening and standing
(22:34):
outside the courthouse right now, Josh, are.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
You trying to get them the jury?
Speaker 10 (22:39):
No?
Speaker 5 (22:39):
I mean, if i'm called upon, that's my civic duty
to sure, yes, yes, yes, I want to be on
the jury.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Yes, yes, Josh, Why no one wants jury duty. The
only people who don't get out of jeury jewy are
the ones who are stupid or hate their families.
Speaker 5 (22:55):
Jokes on you will say I don't have a family
or stupid, Yo, what Look, The point is in this economy.
The point is in this economy you need steady work,
and being on a Trump trial is the steadiest work.
(23:20):
This gig could last me for decades.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
It's forty dollars a day. You can't make a living
off that.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
That's because you're not factoring in the potential bride money.
I'm not leaving anything on the table. Look, look, Trump,
are you looking? Look Trump, I'm talking to you.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Trump.
Speaker 5 (23:38):
Look now, hey boy, woit boy, Look look at the TV. Now,
for four hundred dollars, you walk free. For four point fifty,
I'll put Stormy Daniels in jail. Okay, I don't even
know if I can do that, but I'm gonna try.
As long as I can walk out of that courtroom
with a check and a mink coat.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
You can't pull off a meat coat. You're gonna look
like a pre pubescent Kat Williams. So you don't care
about this trial. You just want to be on the
jury for selfish reasons.
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Yeah, obviously this thing's a cash cow. All these jurors
are gonna get book deals, daytime TV appearances. At least
one of them is gonna be on the mass singer
and I think I have what it takes to be
a sexy wombat.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
It's not easy money. Being part of a high profile
trial is exhausted.
Speaker 5 (24:32):
Not this one. I can nap whenever Trump is napping.
I'll dip my head when he dips his head. I'll
bop up when he bops up. As long as we
snore in rhythm, nobody will notice.
Speaker 3 (24:43):
Josh be serious. The leading presidential candidate is on trial.
Isn't there a chance that he might finally face justice?
(25:08):
Thanks justice at just shopping everybody else.
Speaker 7 (25:15):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
Speaker 6 (25:18):
The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The
Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on
Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Yow hey, you're gonna doubt your My name is John Stuart,
unbelievable show.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
They're already exhausted from the olden. By the way, how
was your weekend? My weekend was breaking. At this moment,
Israel underfire from Iran.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
It's just raining rockets with those sirens blaring out.
Speaker 4 (00:34):
We do effectively have World War three in progress.
Speaker 5 (00:41):
Oh no, not world War three.
Speaker 6 (00:46):
I'm still writing a rock war on all my checks.
But yes, the skies above Israel were lit up like I.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Want to say Christmas tree, but that's probably not for
that area.
Speaker 6 (01:06):
Menora is the moment society has dreaded since the arms cysts.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Of nineteen forty five finally upon us.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
As Einstein said, he doesn't know what weapons World War
II will be fought with, but he knows the next
ones will be fought with sticks and stones. This is
John Stewart's signing up. May God bless us and everyone
and let future civilizations know that we could not overcome
our fatal nature.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
In the end, there was almost no damage, as is.
Speaker 6 (01:36):
The US and other rallies shot down ninety nine percent
of Iran's missiles and drones. Huh wasn't World worth three?
Speaker 1 (01:55):
I certainly regret doing this.
Speaker 6 (02:03):
Oh boy, moment of panic and I guess sort of
a primitive instinct.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
But is that me did I art garful?
Speaker 6 (02:21):
But kudos to the United States and to Israel. It
shows just how effective a military defense system can be.
When you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
It really helps to build the And the best part
is we did it with no help.
Speaker 6 (02:43):
The two amigos, surrounded by hostile Arab nations united in
their zeal to destroy Israel.
Speaker 7 (02:51):
Jordan's air force also intercepted and shot down dozens of
drones that violated its airspace and were on their way
to Israel.
Speaker 6 (03:00):
Now learned that Saudi Arabia and the UAE provided real
time intelligence that helped track the incoming missiles. What are
the teams in these wars? I don't even know the
teams anymore. The Arab countries are helping Israel. I don't
know what the teams are. We need to sort this
(03:20):
out with jerseys or something, because Iran could attack at
any moment.
Speaker 8 (03:27):
In a statement, Iran said it now considers the matter concluded.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Hey, do you hear that we're good.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
We're good.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
We don't. By the way, he was delicious. Really, that's
what got anyway, We're gonna be okay.
Speaker 9 (03:57):
Israel has vowed it will respond to Iran.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
All right, Can I have a word with you Middle East?
Over here?
Speaker 6 (04:16):
Ah shaloma lekam trying.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
To cover all bases.
Speaker 6 (04:23):
Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but when we
in the West drew your region's borders and set you
up with perfectly functioning dictatorships.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
We expected a little better. See.
Speaker 6 (04:40):
The agreement was we would make up a whole new
bunch of countries, some of which made sense, and in return,
you would give us your delicious oil.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
That was the deal.
Speaker 6 (04:54):
You give us your delicious oil, and we take it.
We certainly didn't expect to get drawn into all the
drama that are that our actions created, and now these
(05:15):
wars have got us all turned around. At one point,
we're helping a rock fight Iran, and then we're invading
a Rock, and now we're helping Iron fight Isis, and
then we're using Isis to help fight Huthis that are
backed by Iran. I mean, you know, in Gaza, we're
actually bombing them and feeding them.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
How do you think that makes it feel?
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Oh? Oh, oh, did you have a nice sandwich?
Speaker 10 (05:38):
Run?
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
And apparently now.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
There's two kinds of Islam.
Speaker 6 (05:44):
I mean, you could have told us that before we
got into this. As I said earlier, arbitrarily jerrymandered your homeland.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
So do better keep that oil coming the way.
Speaker 6 (06:01):
We got enough trouble keeping track of our own wars.
Like this weekend, our former president and illustrious historian Donald J.
Trump spoke near one of America's most hallowed battlefields. And
if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
Well buckle up Gettysburg.
Speaker 10 (06:18):
What an unbelievable battle. That was the Battle of Gettysburg.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
What an unbelievable I.
Speaker 10 (06:24):
Mean, it was so much and so interesting, and so
vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways.
It represented such a big portion of the success of
this country. Getty's greg Wow.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
That is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh grade book
report Gettysburg.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Wow, I did not have on my own.
Speaker 6 (07:07):
It was vicious and horrible and beautiful. Is he talking
about a Civil war battle or a horse giving birth?
It was bloody, but it's life now.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Obviously not a Civil War buff like but unlike me.
He even knows all the famous quotes.
Speaker 10 (07:32):
I go to get his break Pennsylvania, to look and
to watch and the statement of Roberty Lee, who's no
longer in favor? Did you ever notice that no longer
in favor? Never fight uphill, me boys, Never fight uphill.
They were fighting uphill. He said, Wow, that was a
big mistake. He lost his great general and they were fighting.
Never fight uphill me boys.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
It is.
Speaker 6 (08:06):
It is true the North did have the higher ground,
but I'm pretty sure that Robert E. Lee was not
a leprechaun. I never fight uphill, me byes. That's not
how to take back the Narth's potty lord. You can't
be fighting up here me byes. Also a minor point,
(08:29):
but I'm pretty sure Robert Lee would not have told
them never fight up hill, since he's the one who
told them to fight up hill. He wasn't like, you know,
they go up the hill. I'm gonna be so mad
if they do that. They go up the hill. Long
Street actually told them they'll go up the hill. That
Roberty Lee said.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Me byes will do what they want.
Speaker 6 (08:55):
Although, to be fair to former President Donald Trump, he
does have a lot on his mind right now.
Speaker 11 (09:00):
Out of breaking news, the first ever criminal trial involving
a former president will soon get underweight.
Speaker 6 (09:05):
Oh my god, Donald, don't run up that hit me bye?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Stay down, Stay down to hear me by, stay down.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
Yes.
Speaker 6 (09:17):
After years of anticipation, the first criminal trial of a
former president has begun, and by all accounts, it is
absolutely rivetting.
Speaker 7 (09:24):
Forty minutes ago, you wrote to an observation that I
was very surprised Trump appears to be sleeping. His head
keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack.
Speaker 4 (09:34):
Tell us about.
Speaker 9 (09:35):
That, well, Jakie, if you're to be asleep, ay, jake,
Well part a head down, ice closed, drool coming of
his mouth.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Do you not get over here? He snore it. He's
doing the hun shoe, he's doing.
Speaker 6 (09:59):
The there's a piece of paper going up and down and.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Up and down, and there's not He's just sleep.
Speaker 6 (10:11):
Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your
own trial. Move on to the good stuff now in case,
in case you've lost track, this is the trial where
Trump allegedly paid hush money to an adult film star
that he slept with and then allegedly falsified business records
to cover it up.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Or, as Trump would put.
Speaker 6 (10:32):
It, this is an elegical persecution.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
This is a persecution like never before.
Speaker 6 (10:37):
Nobody's ever seated a big like it.
Speaker 10 (10:39):
And again it's a case that should have never been brooked.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
It's to the soul character.
Speaker 10 (10:46):
And that's why I heard you're having to be here.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Well, it's true.
Speaker 6 (10:51):
Trump is always very proud to be part of any
assault on America. Look even oh words, yes, mister Stewart,
we agree. Look, even if the prosecution is a bit
(11:13):
of a stretch, it's not persecution.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
The guy's not Nelson Mandela or Jesus.
Speaker 10 (11:17):
I don't mind being Nelson Mandela because I'm doing it
for a reason.
Speaker 8 (11:21):
Trump also shared two articles that compared him to Jesus Christ.
One was titled quote the Crucifixion of Donald Trump.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
I don't let him crucify you me, boy.
Speaker 6 (11:34):
We had full team coverage out of the courthouse in
Lower Manhattan today. Here with an update on which Martyr
Trump more resembles Jesus or Nelson Mandela. It's Ronnie Chang
and Asi Lida. I'm going to start with Ronnie Chang
(11:57):
Jesus or Mendela.
Speaker 4 (11:59):
Clearly Mendela, all right, both are two heroes unjustly persecuted
by a corrupt legal system. And as Mendela often said,
and I quote, this is a witch hunt hoax. I've
never even met horseface.
Speaker 11 (12:13):
I totally disagree. Ronnie Jesus Christ. He's obviously Jesus Christ.
It's right there in the New Testament or in its sequel,
The Art of the Deal, chapter ten, verse eight, and
lo he evicted the rent controlled tenants, and it was
good and tremendous and vicious and beautiful Jesus.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Oh, hang on, hang on, just think about this second. Okay,
Trump and Mendela they both had three wives, eh, Jesus.
They even have a serious girlfriend. Okay, the guy had
no Riz.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I don't think Rizz is an approvate anyway.
Speaker 6 (12:57):
Mendela was in prison for twenty seven years, honey, Yes.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
But if you add up all the prison sentences Trump
got for other people from January sixth and his campaign
and his business, it's way more than twenty seven years. Okay,
Trump is like ten Nelson mandelas.
Speaker 11 (13:16):
No, Ronnie Trump is Jesus. They both have a ton
of buildings with their names on them, filled with portraits
of themselves to be worshiped, and they both sold sneakers,
gold sneakers.
Speaker 5 (13:28):
Hold On, hold on, I'm sorry to interrupt that this
is ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Okay, Johnson, everybody.
Speaker 5 (13:41):
Trump is not Mandela or Jesus. Okay, we all know
that Donald Trump is oj.
Speaker 6 (13:55):
H.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
I don't think that, did you say? OJ?
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (13:58):
John OJ Trump? They were both iconic celebrities in the eighties.
Plus Donald J. Trump is the j for juice probably,
but most importantly, their obvious guilt didn't deter their loyal fans,
who either think they're innocent or don't care they're guilty.
Speaker 11 (14:19):
Jesus had loyal fans not like this.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
So if he's OJ, you're saying that whether or not
Trump's slept with Stormy Daniels or paid Stormy Daniels hush money,
it's not gonna matter. He's walking away a free man.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
Yes, And personally, I'm excited for the moment in the
trial when Trump will drop his pants and say, if
the glove don't fit, you must.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
Have quit.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Y guilty and Josh, everybody, We've got so much to
talk about tonight. Trump's got himself a real New York jury,
red Lobsters and trouble Girl, and the newest Olympics b
is gynecology. So let's get to that line. Let's begin
(15:10):
let's sports, all right, It's now just one hundred days
into the Summer Olympics. When we find out which are
the world's athletes? Is most like a dolphin? So yesterday
Nike unveiled the new Team USA uniforms, and one of
the options for women's track and field is getting a
lot of attention. Oh is this not getting your attention?
(15:34):
Zoom in zoomn right, we got your attention. Now look
at this. That doesn't even come into a mannequin's pussy
and she ain't even got one. This outfit should not
be for Team USA, Team Brazilian. Absolutely, And what is
(15:54):
the point of this? Are they trying to distract the
other competitors? Folks just slamming in aurs like, oh, I
forgot to jump. I was looking at that vagina. Don't
nobody want to see this? What we want to see
is that man from Tonga put him up? I miss you.
(16:15):
In other sports news, NBA player John tay Porter recently
got caught gambling on his own team and even faking
injuries to influence bets, and today the NBA banned him
for life. It's the harshest punishment the NBA can hand down,
besides making you play for the Detroit Pistons. I mean,
(16:38):
I guess it's easier to fake an injury than to
play better, but still, fixing games is an unacceptable thing
for an NBA player to do. Now if it was
the WNBA, I mean, listen, they are underpaid. You need
a side hustle. You gotta do what you gotta do
with this. Now. Moving on, if you're going on ad
(17:00):
anniversary dinner, I got some news for you. Red Lobster
is considering filing for bankruptcy, which is ironic because every
customer in Red Lobster is already broke. Now. The report
says it's because of expensive leases and labor costs, but
(17:20):
you know who I blame. Men. That's right, y'all aren't
living up to Beyoncey standards. Y'all. Not your woman good
enough to earn that trip to Red Lobster. That's what happened.
Your dick game is weak, and now an entire restaurant
chain is going under should be ashamed of yourselves. But
(17:43):
this doesn't affect me though. I get my seafood from
the tank set an aquarium.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Anyway.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
See, I'm dating this guy who gets into school again
and cleans the glass. He brings me the best up.
Have you ever had a luga? Well? Ooh, it's delicious.
But go to the big story, the trial of Donald
cell Block J. Trump and another edition of America's Most
(18:08):
Tremendously Wanted. The whole thing is a scam. The courthouse
is on break today, you know, because it's Wednesday. So
when they let out yesterday, Trump celebrated with a little
tour of New York's hotspots. New York City may be
(18:31):
heavily democratic, but former President Trump campaigned there anyway. Tuesday,
visiting a bodega after.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
Jury selection in his Manhattan hush money trial wrapped up
for the day.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Movie star, it's going to be a movie star? Huh?
Speaker 3 (18:45):
You are you kidding me? Donald Trump? You're gonna tell
an immigrant father that his son should get into acting?
What is wrong with you? As soon as you leave,
the dad is gonna be like, don't you listening to
that crazy man? You're taking this store over When I
die By the way, if you're from New York, you
(19:07):
know it killed all those guys. Have Trump standing there
in the store wasting everyone's time. That owner was two
seconds from being like, hey, Donald, buy something. I get
the fuck out now, I will say. I mean, I'm
surprised Trump didn't hit up the lotto machine while he
was there. Dude, owes over five hundred million dollars in fines.
Can you imagine owing so much money that you have
(19:28):
to hit power Ball just to get back to zero. Now,
as for the actual trial, this week is all about
picking a jury. And it might seem impossible to find
twelve New Yorkers with an unbiased opinion of Donald Trump,
but they're actually making some progress.
Speaker 12 (19:46):
This morning, seven jurors are sworn in to hear the
historic criminal case against Donald Trump. So far, there are
three women and four men. The foeman's originally from Ireland
and still has the accent.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah, yeah, he better still have the accent. What's the
point of telling me he's from Ireland if he doesn't
have the accent. An Irishman with no accent is just
a white dude in America. It's funny how the news
can only point out someone's accent if they're white, you
can be sure. Wolf Blitzer is never gonna be like
(20:21):
he's originally from China and he still got the accent. No,
Wolf Blitzer, You're gonna get cancer, friend, can so? And look,
if you're gonna be found guilty, you want to hear
it in an Irish accent. It's so pleasant and charming.
He's like, looks like you're training in a pedigatus for
some toilet wine. Me like, I don't know why we
(20:44):
look for me to do an Irish accent. It sounds
crazy anyway. Aside from Patty McGee, who else is on
this jury.
Speaker 7 (20:52):
It's an interesting cross section of the kind of people
in Manhattan. The jury of Donald Trump's peers.
Speaker 12 (20:57):
There's an oncology nurse who said no one is above
the law. A teacher from a family of police officers
said President Trump speaks his mind. That a grandfather from
Puerto Rico who called Trump fascinating and mysterious.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Fascinating and mysterious. He's not a Chanello fragrance. And this
dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells
us everything he's thinking. I know the names of all
the people he's at sex with I heard the details
of what his penis looks like like the only mysterious
thing about him is what animal they made his wig
out of. For more on the jury selection, let's go
(21:35):
live to the courthouse with Josh John Zay. So, Josh,
what's the rest of the jury gonna look like?
Speaker 5 (21:50):
Well, ideally they'll end up with a jury that represents
New York and they already have a nurse, a teacher,
and a Puerto Rican So now they just need a
white woman who calls herself a witch and feels bad
about gentrifying but definitely isn't moving. I'm told they're also
looking for a subway masturbator and someone with a history,
(22:11):
someone with a history of being stabbed or stabbing, and
to represent the views of Staten Island, they're looking for
firemen or a racist. Raise is the guests who ideally
everybody And of course they're definitely going to want a
young black man who's nicely dressed, non threatening and standing
(22:34):
outside the courthouse right now, Josh, are.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
You trying to get them the jury?
Speaker 10 (22:39):
No?
Speaker 5 (22:39):
I mean, if i'm called upon, that's my civic duty
to sure, yes, yes, yes, I want to be on
the jury.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Yes, yes, Josh, Why no one wants jury duty. The
only people who don't get out of jeury jewy are
the ones who are stupid or hate their families.
Speaker 5 (22:55):
Jokes on you will say I don't have a family
or stupid, Yo, what Look, The point is in this economy.
The point is in this economy you need steady work,
and being on a Trump trial is the steadiest work.
(23:20):
This gig could last me for decades.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
It's forty dollars a day. You can't make a living
off that.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
That's because you're not factoring in the potential bride money.
I'm not leaving anything on the table. Look, look, Trump,
are you looking? Look Trump, I'm talking to you.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Trump.
Speaker 5 (23:38):
Look now, hey boy, woit boy, Look look at the TV. Now,
for four hundred dollars, you walk free. For four point fifty,
I'll put Stormy Daniels in jail. Okay, I don't even
know if I can do that, but I'm gonna try.
As long as I can walk out of that courtroom
with a check and a mink coat.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
You can't pull off a meat coat. You're gonna look
like a pre pubescent Kat Williams. So you don't care
about this trial. You just want to be on the
jury for selfish reasons.
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Yeah, obviously this thing's a cash cow. All these jurors
are gonna get book deals, daytime TV appearances. At least
one of them is gonna be on the mass singer
and I think I have what it takes to be
a sexy wombat.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
It's not easy money. Being part of a high profile
trial is exhausted.
Speaker 5 (24:32):
Not this one. I can nap whenever Trump is napping.
I'll dip my head when he dips his head. I'll
bop up when he bops up. As long as we
snore in rhythm, nobody will notice.
Speaker 3 (24:43):
Josh be serious. The leading presidential candidate is on trial.
Isn't there a chance that he might finally face justice?
(25:08):
Thanks justice at just shopping everybody else.
Speaker 7 (25:15):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
Speaker 6 (25:18):
The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The
Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on
Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast
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