June 16, 2025 • 33 mins
Don't worry, Bee happy, and listen to some of Sam Bee's best Daily Show field segments.
Embed with the Christian heterosexuals that feel persecuted by gay rights. Meet the tobacco farmer advocating for more child labor. Hear how hunters are trying to protect animals from oil and gas companies, so they can shoot them. Learn how the porn industry has discriminated against asian men. Celebrate a pair of gay penguins at the Central Park Zoo. Hear from the people that want to take social security away from the elderly. Finally, find out how Michelle Obama's organic White House farm could cause starvation and obesity at the same time.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Gay rights have made great strides, with a majority of
Americans now supporting same sex marriage, but there are still
millions suffering from the sting of bigotry and bullying Christians.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
It's open season to bully Christians and all in the
name of tolerance and diversity.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
If I say I support traditional marriage, I'm automatically called
a bigot.
Speaker 5 (00:30):
I'm called a homophobe. We're getting to the point where
these homo fascists are going to force us to wear
on our sleeves some kind of identifying.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Marker, and evangelical Christians like Preacher Matt Slick have found
themselves the victims of the most horrific bullying.
Speaker 6 (00:45):
Christians are getting bullied. The Christians that I talk to
are intimidated. They'll often get persecuted for what we're just
saying that they believe that homosexuality is wrong, or that
homosexuals are sinful, just like adulterers, just like pedophiles, just
like liars, just like thieves. I'm just informing them.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Okay, So the homosexuals don't like that, that's right. They're
not very tolerant, So hey, jerks, be more tolerant of your.
Speaker 6 (01:10):
Intolerance of my religious orientation.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
But after spending an afternoon with Matt kristin coming through,
I realized how tough it really is, and people wouldn't
stop staring at us.
Speaker 5 (01:24):
Hey, what job I got a Christian? Guys?
Speaker 7 (01:28):
Damn it.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
It was clear that intolerance toward Christians is a huge
problem in his mind. And though there are countless actual
examples of appalling intolerance against homosexuals, that's missing the real story.
Speaker 6 (01:42):
The reverse happens as well, or homosexuals go out and
find straits to beat up.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Really, yeah, are you sure.
Speaker 6 (01:53):
These kinds of events are not publicized very well? Why
is this not being covered?
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Why is this hypothetical viol lens not being covered or
recorded or even occurring? Maybe it's because the figures are
being hushed up by the homosexual industrial complex.
Speaker 6 (02:09):
So how come the homosexuals aren't defending us Christians with
our right to build express ourselves.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
At what point has your right to express yourself been
infringed upon?
Speaker 6 (02:22):
I don't know if it's going to happen, but I'm
concerned about it. I have a radio show. I'm just
concerned about any oppression that may come that people might
say Matt you can't say that on the radio that
homosexuality is a sin.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
It's like you can't even go on the radio anymore
and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without
getting some blowback.
Speaker 6 (02:40):
Well, when you put it that way, does sound rather arrogant, myopic,
narrow minded and bigoted.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Good, then I've done my job. No wonder he's concerned
about Christian oppression. There are so few places where they
can safely congregate, apart from truck stops, airports, hospitals, inaugurations,
the entire military is and also with the other three
hundred and thirty thousand church that can be found the
most major minor cities, townships, villages, and commonwealths. It makes
you fear for vulnerable young Christians like Todd Clayton.
Speaker 8 (03:08):
I've been called names, been shunned from a community that
I grew up in, had to quit my job.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
And that's all because you're an outspoken Christian.
Speaker 8 (03:20):
It's because I'm gay.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I'm sorry, I thought you were a Christian. I'm also gay,
so it was the gay part of you that was bullied, right, exactly, Okay,
But as a Christian you must admit that you need
protection from people like you. That's insane. This intolerant gay
thug was just getting warmed up.
Speaker 8 (03:43):
Evangelical Christians are not experiencing bullyings essentially a giant temper
tantrum that they don't get to be in charge anymore
and that they have to share their toys.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Okay, I don't think the Evangelical Christians want to play
with your gay toys. There's not enough clorox in the
world world. Close minded gay agendists like Todd weren't willing
to reach out to the other side the way Matt was.
Speaker 6 (04:08):
I've had homosexual friends.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Okay, Oh, that's so cool.
Speaker 6 (04:11):
I actually have had a friend at the gym back
in southern California where he sat down next to me
in a chacuzzie and I knew right away he was.
Speaker 5 (04:20):
He was gay.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
How did you know it?
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Just I just knew.
Speaker 6 (04:23):
And we became friends for a year, and we're sitting
in a car together after going dancing together and having
fun and doing movies.
Speaker 5 (04:29):
He says, I guess it.
Speaker 6 (04:30):
I'll tell you that I was okay, and he told me,
and I said.
Speaker 9 (04:33):
Yeah, I knew.
Speaker 5 (04:33):
He goes, what do you mean you what?
Speaker 9 (04:35):
Well?
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I mentioned a jacuzi and we constantly go dancing together.
Speaker 6 (04:39):
Yeah, that was even it because he was you know,
he had some friends any rate he.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Was, he was by And So to all those evangelical
Christians out there, be proud of who you are and
who you want to condemn to eternal damnation. Someday the
gay bullies may learn to accept you. I feel like
if you ever got the chance to just a real
Christian by having a chacuzzie with them and maybe going
(05:04):
dancing a few times with them, maybe you would change
your opinion of Christians.
Speaker 8 (05:09):
Sounds pretty kay.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
I guess the name calling may never end. Farming it's
the backbone of this country. But did you know what
benefits workers of all sizes.
Speaker 6 (05:26):
Children as young as seven are legally working in US
tobacco fields.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Yes, according to a loophole in our agricultural labor laws,
our hard working tykes are free to pick as much
tobacco as they want. And for Kentucky tobacco farmer and
state Senator Paul Hornback, it's the best thing for them.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
It's long days, it's in the heat, it's out there
in the sun. Some days it may be one hundred degrees,
but that's not bad. I've got lots of places to
get shade, to cool off, to rest for a little while.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
What would you say to people who say this mark
is teend ingrians for twelve year.
Speaker 5 (05:59):
Old children need to experience things.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
But not tobacco farming, according to a new report by
Human Rights Watch, and they're pushing for a law to
ban the practice.
Speaker 5 (06:11):
We don't need more laws on the books to try
to protect everybody from everything that he is out there.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Kids are tougher than we give them credit for.
Speaker 5 (06:19):
That's exactly right. When I was a seven year old,
I was wanting to work. I was wanting to do
what the men were doing.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
He was right. Working on a family farm filled me
with pride. And no one knows better than these three
tobacco pulling scamps who've enjoyed working on a different tobacco
farm in North Carolina since they were twelve. So tell
me about your experiences working on the tobacco farms. I'll
start you off. Your grandpappy wikes you wump. We get
(06:48):
a nice nutritious breakfast to farm fresh chicken eggs, and
maybe the farmer's wife brings you a cool drink of
lemonade to refresh you.
Speaker 10 (06:57):
No, definitely, nothing like that.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
No, we're not the farmer's family. We're actually working for
the farmer and they don't even bring us water. Sometimes
they barely give us breaks.
Speaker 5 (07:11):
All kids complain about work.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Kids do complain a lot.
Speaker 5 (07:14):
We're raising a society that's too soft.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
What I'm hearing from you is that American children are pussies.
Speaker 5 (07:22):
They're soft.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
I appreciate that you won't say it, but just not
if you think America's children are pussies.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
It's some of the hardest work that you could ever do,
but we take the safeguards. You may see a ten
year old out there picking tobacco, but you won't see
them there all day.
Speaker 10 (07:38):
I'll work twelve hours a day in the tobacco farm,
or sometimes a little bit longer.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Oh and is that typical?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
From the sun comes side to the song goes down?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
How many shady naps did you get to take to
refresh yourself?
Speaker 10 (07:52):
I have not taken any naps. Work something degrees outside
and we're working.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
I'm sorry. I thought I was talking to some teenagers
who took pride in their work, and the kill joys
that Human Rights Watch don't want America's children experiencing the
pleasure of tobacco, which they are not yet legally allowed
to purchase. A tobacco farm is no place for a child.
Speaker 11 (08:17):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
My son is sixteen years old and he still wears
vulcar sneakers. I wish I could send him out in
a tobacco field and let him do an honest day's work.
But many of the children we talked to reported symptoms
consistent with acute nicotine poisoning from handling tobacco plants. Nausea, vomiting, headaches, dizziness.
Oh come on, haven't we all felt dizzy and nauseous
(08:38):
while at work?
Speaker 12 (08:40):
No?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I don't get sick at work, and maybe you need
to work a little harder. I'm constantly throwing up at
my job.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I see get sick at least like three times every summer.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Like sick with excitement, throw well, a headache.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
But it seems like the world was revolving around my head.
I felt like I was gonna die.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
A cute nicktine is really not that big a problem.
It's no different from having a twenty four hour virus,
where you have a stomach virus.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
It's like one cough or fainting spell or vomit attack,
and everyone starts freaking out.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
That's right, you know. And we do things like wear
the plastic garbage bags. We do those things to protect
our help and I furnish all that.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
See, our children are already pampered with the heftiest safety technology,
gladly provided by the farmers. Kirkland.
Speaker 10 (09:29):
The farmer does not bring us anything like that. We
have to provide our own stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes, we have to borrow ourselves cloves bags.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Wow, you're making it very hard for me to ironically
support child tobacco labor.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
What will be next? Can they not work out in heat?
Then picking pumpkins? Can they not work out picking green beans?
Speaker 13 (09:50):
First?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
They came for our child tobacco farmers, and I said
nothing because I had a cute nicotine poisoning and was
doubled over in pain. But lucky for Paul, tobacco work
can still legally teach our children one invaluable lesson.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
You never appreciate a good job till you've had a
bad one.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
You're so right, those children are going to appreciate the
out of their next job. President Bush wants to open
up public lens like New Mexico's O Tarra Mesa for
gas and oil drilling. Environmentalist Oscar Simpson finds this detestable.
Speaker 12 (10:30):
President Bush doesn't care about O Tara Masa. He basically
has reversed all the regulations to protect the habitat and wildlife.
He's going to allow all and gas to pollute the area.
It's going to wipe out the wildlife.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
And the wildlife like the antelope is dear to his.
Speaker 12 (10:45):
Heart, Alan for a very majestic animal. It's something to
behold and basically admire. If they're standing still and they're
in a short distance, they're pretty easy to shoot.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
That's right. He's a hunter and an environmentalist. Will people
just say it's all so predictable, aren't you just another
one of those gun toting NRA supporting pickup truck driving
cracker ass Anti.
Speaker 12 (11:13):
Bush people are true green conservationists and we want the
wildlife and habitat protected.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
But the oil and gas companies say they're the true
green conservationists. Do you consider yourself an environmentalist?
Speaker 14 (11:28):
Yes, I do consider myself an environmentalist, just like I
consider overwhelming majority of the men and women in the
oil and gas industry as environmentalists.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
So you're just another one of those tree hugging, wildlife
loving nature appreciating oil and gas executives.
Speaker 14 (11:46):
But if you have to understand, natural gas is a
clean burning fuel. So if you're asking me, is drilling
for gas good for the environment, I tell you absolutely
it is.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Just how good is gas drilling for the environment? Ask
Tweety Blansett who allowed gas drilling on her ranch?
Speaker 9 (12:05):
The oil and gas company allow contaminant spills on our ranch.
We have found dead elk, dead mule, deer, dead coyotes.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Is your ranch anywhere near the hidden Valley?
Speaker 9 (12:23):
I'm sorry, I don't know where the Hidden Valley is?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
The Hidden Belly Ranch hun Beallet Ranch. It's a classic conflict,
two environmentalist groups pitted against each other to see who
gets to kill the animals. The hunter's methods and tools
seem a little antiquated.
Speaker 12 (12:42):
Hunting equipment may include my bowl or if I'm using
hunting with a rifle, and maybe my rifle.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
But the gas company's techniques are truly visionary.
Speaker 14 (12:51):
There have been situations where excess or used drilling MUDs
moved into a water stream. Tell me more have incidents
of where cows have drank some of the liquid, and
we've had cows dye very clever.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
It's all part of the industry's plan to use every
part of the animal. First, cows drink contaminated water, they
die and decompose. After millions of years of fossilization and
breakdown of carbons, they become fuel, which, when extracted, contaminates
more water, and the circle of life continues. Clearly, the
(13:34):
oil and gas industry is more efficient at killing animals
than the hunter. Have you considered contaminating the groundwater in
your hunt?
Speaker 14 (13:41):
No?
Speaker 12 (13:41):
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
But are the gas companies too efficient? When you disrupt
the delicate balance of nature, some breeds of animals become endangered.
Speaker 12 (13:51):
Hunters could become endangered species. If there's no huntable wildlife,
then there's no hunting, therefore no hunters.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Yes, the hunter could go the way of the dodo.
It's so rare to see one of you up close
outside your natural habitat. May I touch you?
Speaker 5 (14:12):
Are you wily?
Speaker 2 (14:25):
You're so majestic? Oh, I'd like to shoot you. That's
the last time I touched a hunter, But it wasn't
the last time a hunter touched me. From business to
(14:47):
politics to sports, Asian men have risen to the top
of nearly every profession, but sadly, some doors remain closed
to them, and this troubles doctor Daryl Hamamoto, Professor of
Asian American Studies at the University of California Davis.
Speaker 13 (15:04):
There are no Asian American men in mainstream porno.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
He published his findings in a respected academic journal, and
he substantiated his work with significant scholarly research.
Speaker 13 (15:17):
Well, I came across this classic adult video called The
World's Biggest Gang Bang, and I looked at it very closely.
I think it runs over three and a half hours,
and I came across not a single Asian American performer.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
That's appalling they were allowed in.
Speaker 13 (15:33):
It would indicate that Asian Americans, at last, after one
hundred and fifty years, are reaching a level of equality
that other groups have attained.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Doctor Hamimoto has a dream that one day Asian men
will be judged not by the color of their skin,
but by the character of their penises. Sadly, Professor Hamimoto's
dream may never be realized because of men like this.
Rob Spallone, the visionary producer of the Spornos one through eight,
(16:07):
mister Spallone. Why don't you have any Asian men in
your movies?
Speaker 15 (16:15):
I don't know any Asian porn actors.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Would you say that your films are multicultural?
Speaker 16 (16:22):
Yeah, I mean anybody can watch them by ethnicity.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
What means of actors and actresses do you cast in
your films?
Speaker 16 (16:31):
Swirl Fest is lesbian, black and white. I have a
series called for My White Tight Ass, which is black
Guy's White Girls ball anal trying to do the world's
smallest gang man trying to get fifteen twenty midgets. If
I get fifteen twenty midgets, then I'll shoot that.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
But no Asian men, listen.
Speaker 15 (16:50):
I have nothing against anybody. I'll shoot anybody that comes
in unless the company I'm shooting for tells me no.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Are you telling me that people will not pay to
see Asian men getting a rusty trombone, snorting the camel
or icing the puck snorting the camel?
Speaker 9 (17:05):
I never heard of.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
That snorting the camel. You know, the girls on top
the guy's got his tone.
Speaker 16 (17:10):
Oh yeah, I've seen girls stick that whole fists.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Let's move on, Yes, let's move on and not forget
the real victims of this discrimination, Asian American actors. What
are some of the rules you've.
Speaker 11 (17:22):
Gotten m Currently, I'm playing a minister on The Young
and the Restless, and of course I'm most identified as
Captain Sulu from Star Trek, but.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
He still hasn't been able to break into the adult
film business. In the last few months, Young Wet Bitches
and Crackerjack five have gone into production. Did you get
any calls for these projects?
Speaker 7 (17:46):
Young?
Speaker 13 (17:46):
What?
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Young Wet Bitches?
Speaker 11 (17:48):
Young Wet Bitches.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
And cracker Jack five have gone into production? Did you
get any calls for these pictures?
Speaker 11 (17:57):
Cracker Jack five and Young Wet Bitches? Oh no, And
I have never auditioned for a photo film.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Just didn't seem worth it, did it? I mean, why
bother knocking on a door that you know is locked?
Doesn't it sicken you that in the year two thousand
and three, we haven't moved beyond.
Speaker 15 (18:16):
This, beyond one the Asian guy thing. I don't give us.
I don't care about anything, So it's.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Someone else's problem. It ain't mine, But it's a problem
Professor Hamamoto is doing something about.
Speaker 13 (18:34):
I've paid my own all Asian American adult film. I
wrote a very compelling storyline to bring the film together.
Speaker 14 (18:43):
And look beautiful here.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Oh my god, Why has it taken so long for
someone to make this movie?
Speaker 13 (18:54):
No one really had the vision until I came along.
Speaker 15 (18:58):
It's the worst piece of I haven't seen. What does
Professor Hannamono think he's going.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
To do with this thing? Sell it all over the world.
Speaker 15 (19:05):
He better have taken him sticking it up his as.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
We showed your film to a pre eminent producer of porn,
and he seems to feel that your film is substandard.
Speaker 13 (19:16):
He's trying to protect his own interests, which is probably
the interest of you know, the white business world.
Speaker 15 (19:22):
I guess I don't give a tell Professor Hamamodo if
he can get me the guys, these Asian guys that
he's talking about, they can't work in the porno business,
to call me, I'll shoot them.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Finally, there may be hope. Captain Sulhu, do you think
a day will come when your sons or grandsons will
be accepted in this country as porn actors?
Speaker 5 (19:44):
As porn actors, it's.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Almost too much to wish for.
Speaker 17 (19:51):
Why issue the figures to play a divisive part in
the campaign is, of course, gay marriage. And you can
see why the President has said he's against it, while
Senator Carrie has said.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
He's against it.
Speaker 17 (20:04):
Well, Tonight, Samantha Bee goes in depth on the real
consequences gay marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
The effects of gay marriage are being felt across the
country in ways we could have never imagined just a
few months ago. One of the most alarming developments is
happening in New York City at the Central Park Zoo.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
We have penguins that have formed a very strong pair bond,
and they are the same.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Sex gay penguins.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
It's very very common in all zoos and again in
nature to see homosexual beginning.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Just because it happens in nature does not make it natural.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
I think by definition it actually does.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
And apparently some of these gay penguins are in long
term relationships. Roy and Silo have been together for five years.
How many gay penguins do you? Actually have?
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Three pairs that are same sex, one female female pair
among the Gentoo penguins and two male male pairs among
the chin straps.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
So two of your Gentoo penguins and four of your
strap On penguins are.
Speaker 5 (21:18):
Gay chin Strap penguins.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
That's what I said.
Speaker 5 (21:23):
I said, strap On.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
How many gay penguins did you have two weeks ago
before the gay marriage boom.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Well, I don't think gay marriage has anything to do
with our penguins.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
But according to doctor Paul Cameron of the Family Research Institute,
the gay penguins have everything to do with gay marriage.
Speaker 18 (21:44):
There is no such thing as gay penguins. This is
just propaganda. If you can believe that these are gay penguins,
you're buying the gay agenda.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
When children see these feather dusters, these flight us felters,
these chum guzzlers, what message does it send to them?
Speaker 18 (22:05):
When you have gay penguins and you tell the kids this,
you're saying to them homosexual activity is everywhere, even among penguins.
You can even get homosexually married. It's all okay, whatever
you want to do.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And using penguins to further the gay agenda is ingenious.
Penguins are already dressed in tuxedos, just like grooms. So
if kids believe that penguins can be gay, then so
can grooms, and then what's to stop groom and penguin marriages.
(22:40):
We don't want to turn our children into ask clowns.
Speaker 19 (22:43):
No, we don't want.
Speaker 18 (22:43):
To turn them into any kind of animals. We want
our children to be well socialized Americans.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yet the Central Park Zoo seems hell bent on destroying
America's children. We've got a chilled buffet of bird buggery.
What are you doing to stop the spread of unnatural
love outside the penguin house?
Speaker 3 (23:05):
We have actually done nothing about that. Here at Central
Park Zoo, we have observed same sex behavior among the
seals and also some of the primates, including the snow monkeys.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, don't feed him, but it's okay to validate their
deviant lifestyle.
Speaker 18 (23:27):
Are there such things as homosexual animals?
Speaker 2 (23:31):
I don't think so. Then how do you explain Chippendale Garfield?
Speaker 4 (23:43):
God, he lives here.
Speaker 18 (23:47):
What about Garfield?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
He's a confirmed bachelor, He's picky about his food, he
doesn't like to get his feet wet.
Speaker 18 (23:53):
Well, he certainly sounds like a candidate.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
But to prove there's no such thing as a gay penguin,
he took me to the zoo.
Speaker 18 (24:01):
These birds are not gay.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
They appear to put a lot of attention into their
personal grooming. That's something that gays do.
Speaker 18 (24:08):
Our children should not be taught such a silly thing
as that there are quote unquote gay penguins or lesbian penguins.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Okay, I'm with you on the male penguin sex devian
and disgusting, but girlin girl penguin sex that is hot.
Doctor Cameron could deny it all he wanted, but there
was no denying who these penguins were. Right now that
(24:38):
President Bush's foreign policy has been a complete success and
the world is peaceful and poverty free, He's setting his
sights on America's most critical domestic issue, privatizing Social Security.
Speaker 5 (24:51):
Now's the time to act. In twenty forty two, the
system will be broke.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
And the president is worried that in twenty forty twos
will have a hard time getting their checks from the
ruthless cyborgs that control the Earth. Star Parker of Cure
thinks she knows what to do with Social Security.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
End it, so security should die.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Do we owe our senior citizens anything? Really?
Speaker 7 (25:18):
I think it's time that American people say, no, we
don't owe you anything. I'm very generous to elderly, but
do I want the government taking half my check and
sending it to them in the mail?
Speaker 2 (25:29):
No Star is tired of handing out cash to people
who just blow it all on medicine and food. She
believes the private sector is the answer, not government.
Speaker 7 (25:41):
The beautiful thing about the market is it adjusts to this,
to anywhere there's a need.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
What if corporations got to sponsor old people, It'd be like, Hey,
there's FedEx, mister Johnson, or oh look it's cinnabon Max Goldberg,
And it would be so great because he'd get to
wear a huge cinnamon bunk costume and that would also
keep him warm. But do Star's plan really keep senior's
(26:07):
best interests at heart? Many would argue that those most
in need will be overlooked. Jarvis Teyner thinks the elderly
don't get enough benefits.
Speaker 20 (26:18):
The truth is that seniors can barely make it on
what they get. Right now, we should be really increasing
the benefits from social security.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
What are you coming?
Speaker 20 (26:29):
Yes, I am a Commons.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
All right? What else would you do?
Speaker 20 (26:36):
We should wipe out poverty and racism and inequality towards women.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Would you like to buy the world of coke?
Speaker 20 (26:44):
We're boycotting Coke because of their activities down in Columbia.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Okay, lighten up, Jarvis.
Speaker 21 (26:53):
But while Jarvis's boycott of Coke is working, his plan
for social security will not Hello, Christ.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
But if we scrap benefits, how do we break it
to the most vulnerable of our seniors. Let's do a
little role play. I'll play an elderly person and you
tell me why you're ending my benefits.
Speaker 7 (27:18):
I have some good news and bad news. The good
news what we were going to be sending you fourteen
dollars four dollars a month that we said we.
Speaker 20 (27:28):
Were going John second.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Here, Hello, I'm.
Speaker 7 (27:35):
From the RS and I have some news for you.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I watch you every day on the view, and I
think your there is one other option for solving the
social security dilemma.
Speaker 14 (27:50):
My name is John Dougherty and I'm the director of
the Empire State Senior Games.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
John's plan is to kill off the elderly, quite physically
exhausting them.
Speaker 14 (27:59):
You have arch we have basketball, traffic, field events, this discus,
there's a shot put triathlon.
Speaker 20 (28:04):
More and more people are getting hooked on it.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
That's the best part of your plan that they believe
it's going to be good for them. The few that
survived the athletics meet their demise in the dance chamber.
What do you do with the seniors after they're finished?
Speaker 20 (28:21):
After they're finished, you know, what I mean.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
There are many ways to fix social security. Perhaps we
would be wise to ask seniors themselves what they think.
Speaker 7 (28:36):
Well.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
I for The Daily Show, I'm Samantha Bee. First Ladies.
They traditionally promote uncontroversial causes like literacy, just saying no
to drugs and rehab. But every once in a while,
a First Lady goes rogue. Michelle Obama broke ground for
(28:57):
an organic garden today. This seemingly harmless twenty by fifty
foot token gesture has created a firestorm for Jeff Steyer
of the American Council on Science and Health.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
I think the Obama garden would be which should come
with a warning label. Why it's irresponsible to tell people
that you have to eat organic and locally grown food.
Not everyone can afford that. That's a serious public health concern.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Okay, I don't follow.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
People are gonna eat fewer fruits and vegetables. Cancer rates
will go up, Obesity rates will go up. I think
if we decide we're only gonna eat locally grown food,
we're gonna have a lot of starvation.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
That's right. The White House garden is the rare public
health threat that can simultaneously cause starvation and obesity and
cancer on a scale of five year olds who smoke
to fourteen year olds having unprotected anal sex. Where does
this fit in?
Speaker 4 (29:52):
I would say there aren't a lot of five year
olds smoking.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
There are a lot of fourteen year olds who think
they're preserving their.
Speaker 4 (30:01):
Going in the back door, which is why I think
it falls somewhere between those two.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
But it may already be too late. Programs like the
Edible Schoolyard are already sowing the seeds of starvation, obesity,
and teen ass play.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
It's the elitist to tell people you need to be
eating organic foods.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Snooty Obamas, if.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
You have a white house garden, you can have a
healthy salad two in the summer months.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Where's my white house, my garden? Right?
Speaker 9 (30:28):
Organic?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Limousine liberals a bunch of friends, you're expensive ass food.
The Obamas might just as well have planted abortion trees.
And it's limousine liberals like Anne Cooper who are bringing
this elitist message to overprivileged children.
Speaker 19 (30:46):
What I'm promoting is the farthest thing from elitism. I'm
promoting a world where every child, rich or poor, gets
a healthy.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
That sounds pretty elite. To me, the Obama.
Speaker 19 (30:57):
Organic garden brings really a lot of optimism to the
way I feel about it.
Speaker 11 (31:01):
We are a toptender, modical about surely.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
You should look at you. That was an impression of
you in case you didn't notice. Fortunately, the American Council
on Science and Health has figured out a way to
undo the harm done by this garden.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
If the Obamas wanted to send a responsible message, they
would use pesticides, teaching kids how to be more efficient
and how to properly use chemicals to get more produce
in your land.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
But the ACSH and the concerned folks that fund them
like conna Egra on Santo DuPont Union Carbide down eight
a m can't take on big local garden alone. Educators
need to teach that while chemicals can sometimes be harmful,
organic gardening is always harmful. Hi, kids, I'm farmer Sam.
(31:50):
Now what do you think is better? Nature? Are chemicals?
Speaker 13 (31:53):
Nature?
Speaker 2 (31:55):
Nature wants to kill you. All they needed was to
hear the fact you fertilize an organic garden with cowplops.
Let's talk about some of the things that we find
in the chemical world, shall we.
Speaker 5 (32:11):
I believe the chill off Oh.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
My goodness, what iPods. I love iPods. Yeah, you really
want to balance your chlorothalanol with your addressine and your alachlore.
Speaker 11 (32:26):
Show them all the food and they bust and such.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
The best thing about chemicals is you never know what
they might do to you. Some of them might make
you sick, but some of them also might make you
invisible or make you fly. It was clear that with
very little knowledge and a whole lot of pesticides, Jeff
Steyer's dream of an organic, free world might someday be realized.
Speaker 11 (32:54):
Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get you'll podcasts.
Speaker 5 (33:01):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 15 (33:03):
Tenth Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Gay rights have made great strides, with a majority of
Americans now supporting same sex marriage, but there are still
millions suffering from the sting of bigotry and bullying Christians.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
It's open season to bully Christians and all in the
name of tolerance and diversity.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
If I say I support traditional marriage, I'm automatically called
a bigot.
Speaker 5 (00:30):
I'm called a homophobe. We're getting to the point where
these homo fascists are going to force us to wear
on our sleeves some kind of identifying.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Marker, and evangelical Christians like Preacher Matt Slick have found
themselves the victims of the most horrific bullying.
Speaker 6 (00:45):
Christians are getting bullied. The Christians that I talk to
are intimidated. They'll often get persecuted for what we're just
saying that they believe that homosexuality is wrong, or that
homosexuals are sinful, just like adulterers, just like pedophiles, just
like liars, just like thieves. I'm just informing them.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Okay, So the homosexuals don't like that, that's right. They're
not very tolerant, So hey, jerks, be more tolerant of your.
Speaker 6 (01:10):
Intolerance of my religious orientation.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
But after spending an afternoon with Matt kristin coming through,
I realized how tough it really is, and people wouldn't
stop staring at us.
Speaker 5 (01:24):
Hey, what job I got a Christian? Guys?
Speaker 7 (01:28):
Damn it.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
It was clear that intolerance toward Christians is a huge
problem in his mind. And though there are countless actual
examples of appalling intolerance against homosexuals, that's missing the real story.
Speaker 6 (01:42):
The reverse happens as well, or homosexuals go out and
find straits to beat up.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Really, yeah, are you sure.
Speaker 6 (01:53):
These kinds of events are not publicized very well? Why
is this not being covered?
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Why is this hypothetical viol lens not being covered or
recorded or even occurring? Maybe it's because the figures are
being hushed up by the homosexual industrial complex.
Speaker 6 (02:09):
So how come the homosexuals aren't defending us Christians with
our right to build express ourselves.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
At what point has your right to express yourself been
infringed upon?
Speaker 6 (02:22):
I don't know if it's going to happen, but I'm
concerned about it. I have a radio show. I'm just
concerned about any oppression that may come that people might
say Matt you can't say that on the radio that
homosexuality is a sin.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
It's like you can't even go on the radio anymore
and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without
getting some blowback.
Speaker 6 (02:40):
Well, when you put it that way, does sound rather arrogant, myopic,
narrow minded and bigoted.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Good, then I've done my job. No wonder he's concerned
about Christian oppression. There are so few places where they
can safely congregate, apart from truck stops, airports, hospitals, inaugurations,
the entire military is and also with the other three
hundred and thirty thousand church that can be found the
most major minor cities, townships, villages, and commonwealths. It makes
you fear for vulnerable young Christians like Todd Clayton.
Speaker 8 (03:08):
I've been called names, been shunned from a community that
I grew up in, had to quit my job.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
And that's all because you're an outspoken Christian.
Speaker 8 (03:20):
It's because I'm gay.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I'm sorry, I thought you were a Christian. I'm also gay,
so it was the gay part of you that was bullied, right, exactly, Okay,
But as a Christian you must admit that you need
protection from people like you. That's insane. This intolerant gay
thug was just getting warmed up.
Speaker 8 (03:43):
Evangelical Christians are not experiencing bullyings essentially a giant temper
tantrum that they don't get to be in charge anymore
and that they have to share their toys.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Okay, I don't think the Evangelical Christians want to play
with your gay toys. There's not enough clorox in the
world world. Close minded gay agendists like Todd weren't willing
to reach out to the other side the way Matt was.
Speaker 6 (04:08):
I've had homosexual friends.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Okay, Oh, that's so cool.
Speaker 6 (04:11):
I actually have had a friend at the gym back
in southern California where he sat down next to me
in a chacuzzie and I knew right away he was.
Speaker 5 (04:20):
He was gay.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
How did you know it?
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Just I just knew.
Speaker 6 (04:23):
And we became friends for a year, and we're sitting
in a car together after going dancing together and having
fun and doing movies.
Speaker 5 (04:29):
He says, I guess it.
Speaker 6 (04:30):
I'll tell you that I was okay, and he told me,
and I said.
Speaker 9 (04:33):
Yeah, I knew.
Speaker 5 (04:33):
He goes, what do you mean you what?
Speaker 9 (04:35):
Well?
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I mentioned a jacuzi and we constantly go dancing together.
Speaker 6 (04:39):
Yeah, that was even it because he was you know,
he had some friends any rate he.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Was, he was by And So to all those evangelical
Christians out there, be proud of who you are and
who you want to condemn to eternal damnation. Someday the
gay bullies may learn to accept you. I feel like
if you ever got the chance to just a real
Christian by having a chacuzzie with them and maybe going
(05:04):
dancing a few times with them, maybe you would change
your opinion of Christians.
Speaker 8 (05:09):
Sounds pretty kay.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
I guess the name calling may never end. Farming it's
the backbone of this country. But did you know what
benefits workers of all sizes.
Speaker 6 (05:26):
Children as young as seven are legally working in US
tobacco fields.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Yes, according to a loophole in our agricultural labor laws,
our hard working tykes are free to pick as much
tobacco as they want. And for Kentucky tobacco farmer and
state Senator Paul Hornback, it's the best thing for them.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
It's long days, it's in the heat, it's out there
in the sun. Some days it may be one hundred degrees,
but that's not bad. I've got lots of places to
get shade, to cool off, to rest for a little while.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
What would you say to people who say this mark
is teend ingrians for twelve year.
Speaker 5 (05:59):
Old children need to experience things.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
But not tobacco farming, according to a new report by
Human Rights Watch, and they're pushing for a law to
ban the practice.
Speaker 5 (06:11):
We don't need more laws on the books to try
to protect everybody from everything that he is out there.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Kids are tougher than we give them credit for.
Speaker 5 (06:19):
That's exactly right. When I was a seven year old,
I was wanting to work. I was wanting to do
what the men were doing.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
He was right. Working on a family farm filled me
with pride. And no one knows better than these three
tobacco pulling scamps who've enjoyed working on a different tobacco
farm in North Carolina since they were twelve. So tell
me about your experiences working on the tobacco farms. I'll
start you off. Your grandpappy wikes you wump. We get
(06:48):
a nice nutritious breakfast to farm fresh chicken eggs, and
maybe the farmer's wife brings you a cool drink of
lemonade to refresh you.
Speaker 10 (06:57):
No, definitely, nothing like that.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
No, we're not the farmer's family. We're actually working for
the farmer and they don't even bring us water. Sometimes
they barely give us breaks.
Speaker 5 (07:11):
All kids complain about work.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Kids do complain a lot.
Speaker 5 (07:14):
We're raising a society that's too soft.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
What I'm hearing from you is that American children are pussies.
Speaker 5 (07:22):
They're soft.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
I appreciate that you won't say it, but just not
if you think America's children are pussies.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
It's some of the hardest work that you could ever do,
but we take the safeguards. You may see a ten
year old out there picking tobacco, but you won't see
them there all day.
Speaker 10 (07:38):
I'll work twelve hours a day in the tobacco farm,
or sometimes a little bit longer.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Oh and is that typical?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
From the sun comes side to the song goes down?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
How many shady naps did you get to take to
refresh yourself?
Speaker 10 (07:52):
I have not taken any naps. Work something degrees outside
and we're working.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
I'm sorry. I thought I was talking to some teenagers
who took pride in their work, and the kill joys
that Human Rights Watch don't want America's children experiencing the
pleasure of tobacco, which they are not yet legally allowed
to purchase. A tobacco farm is no place for a child.
Speaker 11 (08:17):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
My son is sixteen years old and he still wears
vulcar sneakers. I wish I could send him out in
a tobacco field and let him do an honest day's work.
But many of the children we talked to reported symptoms
consistent with acute nicotine poisoning from handling tobacco plants. Nausea, vomiting, headaches, dizziness.
Oh come on, haven't we all felt dizzy and nauseous
(08:38):
while at work?
Speaker 12 (08:40):
No?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I don't get sick at work, and maybe you need
to work a little harder. I'm constantly throwing up at
my job.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I see get sick at least like three times every summer.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Like sick with excitement, throw well, a headache.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
But it seems like the world was revolving around my head.
I felt like I was gonna die.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
A cute nicktine is really not that big a problem.
It's no different from having a twenty four hour virus,
where you have a stomach virus.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
It's like one cough or fainting spell or vomit attack,
and everyone starts freaking out.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
That's right, you know. And we do things like wear
the plastic garbage bags. We do those things to protect
our help and I furnish all that.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
See, our children are already pampered with the heftiest safety technology,
gladly provided by the farmers. Kirkland.
Speaker 10 (09:29):
The farmer does not bring us anything like that. We
have to provide our own stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes, we have to borrow ourselves cloves bags.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Wow, you're making it very hard for me to ironically
support child tobacco labor.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
What will be next? Can they not work out in heat?
Then picking pumpkins? Can they not work out picking green beans?
Speaker 13 (09:50):
First?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
They came for our child tobacco farmers, and I said
nothing because I had a cute nicotine poisoning and was
doubled over in pain. But lucky for Paul, tobacco work
can still legally teach our children one invaluable lesson.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
You never appreciate a good job till you've had a
bad one.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
You're so right, those children are going to appreciate the
out of their next job. President Bush wants to open
up public lens like New Mexico's O Tarra Mesa for
gas and oil drilling. Environmentalist Oscar Simpson finds this detestable.
Speaker 12 (10:30):
President Bush doesn't care about O Tara Masa. He basically
has reversed all the regulations to protect the habitat and wildlife.
He's going to allow all and gas to pollute the area.
It's going to wipe out the wildlife.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
And the wildlife like the antelope is dear to his.
Speaker 12 (10:45):
Heart, Alan for a very majestic animal. It's something to
behold and basically admire. If they're standing still and they're
in a short distance, they're pretty easy to shoot.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
That's right. He's a hunter and an environmentalist. Will people
just say it's all so predictable, aren't you just another
one of those gun toting NRA supporting pickup truck driving
cracker ass Anti.
Speaker 12 (11:13):
Bush people are true green conservationists and we want the
wildlife and habitat protected.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
But the oil and gas companies say they're the true
green conservationists. Do you consider yourself an environmentalist?
Speaker 14 (11:28):
Yes, I do consider myself an environmentalist, just like I
consider overwhelming majority of the men and women in the
oil and gas industry as environmentalists.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
So you're just another one of those tree hugging, wildlife
loving nature appreciating oil and gas executives.
Speaker 14 (11:46):
But if you have to understand, natural gas is a
clean burning fuel. So if you're asking me, is drilling
for gas good for the environment, I tell you absolutely
it is.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Just how good is gas drilling for the environment? Ask
Tweety Blansett who allowed gas drilling on her ranch?
Speaker 9 (12:05):
The oil and gas company allow contaminant spills on our ranch.
We have found dead elk, dead mule, deer, dead coyotes.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Is your ranch anywhere near the hidden Valley?
Speaker 9 (12:23):
I'm sorry, I don't know where the Hidden Valley is?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
The Hidden Belly Ranch hun Beallet Ranch. It's a classic conflict,
two environmentalist groups pitted against each other to see who
gets to kill the animals. The hunter's methods and tools
seem a little antiquated.
Speaker 12 (12:42):
Hunting equipment may include my bowl or if I'm using
hunting with a rifle, and maybe my rifle.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
But the gas company's techniques are truly visionary.
Speaker 14 (12:51):
There have been situations where excess or used drilling MUDs
moved into a water stream. Tell me more have incidents
of where cows have drank some of the liquid, and
we've had cows dye very clever.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
It's all part of the industry's plan to use every
part of the animal. First, cows drink contaminated water, they
die and decompose. After millions of years of fossilization and
breakdown of carbons, they become fuel, which, when extracted, contaminates
more water, and the circle of life continues. Clearly, the
(13:34):
oil and gas industry is more efficient at killing animals
than the hunter. Have you considered contaminating the groundwater in
your hunt?
Speaker 14 (13:41):
No?
Speaker 12 (13:41):
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
But are the gas companies too efficient? When you disrupt
the delicate balance of nature, some breeds of animals become endangered.
Speaker 12 (13:51):
Hunters could become endangered species. If there's no huntable wildlife,
then there's no hunting, therefore no hunters.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Yes, the hunter could go the way of the dodo.
It's so rare to see one of you up close
outside your natural habitat. May I touch you?
Speaker 5 (14:12):
Are you wily?
Speaker 2 (14:25):
You're so majestic? Oh, I'd like to shoot you. That's
the last time I touched a hunter, But it wasn't
the last time a hunter touched me. From business to
(14:47):
politics to sports, Asian men have risen to the top
of nearly every profession, but sadly, some doors remain closed
to them, and this troubles doctor Daryl Hamamoto, Professor of
Asian American Studies at the University of California Davis.
Speaker 13 (15:04):
There are no Asian American men in mainstream porno.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
He published his findings in a respected academic journal, and
he substantiated his work with significant scholarly research.
Speaker 13 (15:17):
Well, I came across this classic adult video called The
World's Biggest Gang Bang, and I looked at it very closely.
I think it runs over three and a half hours,
and I came across not a single Asian American performer.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
That's appalling they were allowed in.
Speaker 13 (15:33):
It would indicate that Asian Americans, at last, after one
hundred and fifty years, are reaching a level of equality
that other groups have attained.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Doctor Hamimoto has a dream that one day Asian men
will be judged not by the color of their skin,
but by the character of their penises. Sadly, Professor Hamimoto's
dream may never be realized because of men like this.
Rob Spallone, the visionary producer of the Spornos one through eight,
(16:07):
mister Spallone. Why don't you have any Asian men in
your movies?
Speaker 15 (16:15):
I don't know any Asian porn actors.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Would you say that your films are multicultural?
Speaker 16 (16:22):
Yeah, I mean anybody can watch them by ethnicity.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
What means of actors and actresses do you cast in
your films?
Speaker 16 (16:31):
Swirl Fest is lesbian, black and white. I have a
series called for My White Tight Ass, which is black
Guy's White Girls ball anal trying to do the world's
smallest gang man trying to get fifteen twenty midgets. If
I get fifteen twenty midgets, then I'll shoot that.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
But no Asian men, listen.
Speaker 15 (16:50):
I have nothing against anybody. I'll shoot anybody that comes
in unless the company I'm shooting for tells me no.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Are you telling me that people will not pay to
see Asian men getting a rusty trombone, snorting the camel
or icing the puck snorting the camel?
Speaker 9 (17:05):
I never heard of.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
That snorting the camel. You know, the girls on top
the guy's got his tone.
Speaker 16 (17:10):
Oh yeah, I've seen girls stick that whole fists.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Let's move on, Yes, let's move on and not forget
the real victims of this discrimination, Asian American actors. What
are some of the rules you've.
Speaker 11 (17:22):
Gotten m Currently, I'm playing a minister on The Young
and the Restless, and of course I'm most identified as
Captain Sulu from Star Trek, but.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
He still hasn't been able to break into the adult
film business. In the last few months, Young Wet Bitches
and Crackerjack five have gone into production. Did you get
any calls for these projects?
Speaker 7 (17:46):
Young?
Speaker 13 (17:46):
What?
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Young Wet Bitches?
Speaker 11 (17:48):
Young Wet Bitches.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
And cracker Jack five have gone into production? Did you
get any calls for these pictures?
Speaker 11 (17:57):
Cracker Jack five and Young Wet Bitches? Oh no, And
I have never auditioned for a photo film.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Just didn't seem worth it, did it? I mean, why
bother knocking on a door that you know is locked?
Doesn't it sicken you that in the year two thousand
and three, we haven't moved beyond.
Speaker 15 (18:16):
This, beyond one the Asian guy thing. I don't give us.
I don't care about anything, So it's.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Someone else's problem. It ain't mine, But it's a problem
Professor Hamamoto is doing something about.
Speaker 13 (18:34):
I've paid my own all Asian American adult film. I
wrote a very compelling storyline to bring the film together.
Speaker 14 (18:43):
And look beautiful here.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Oh my god, Why has it taken so long for
someone to make this movie?
Speaker 13 (18:54):
No one really had the vision until I came along.
Speaker 15 (18:58):
It's the worst piece of I haven't seen. What does
Professor Hannamono think he's going.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
To do with this thing? Sell it all over the world.
Speaker 15 (19:05):
He better have taken him sticking it up his as.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
We showed your film to a pre eminent producer of porn,
and he seems to feel that your film is substandard.
Speaker 13 (19:16):
He's trying to protect his own interests, which is probably
the interest of you know, the white business world.
Speaker 15 (19:22):
I guess I don't give a tell Professor Hamamodo if
he can get me the guys, these Asian guys that
he's talking about, they can't work in the porno business,
to call me, I'll shoot them.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Finally, there may be hope. Captain Sulhu, do you think
a day will come when your sons or grandsons will
be accepted in this country as porn actors?
Speaker 5 (19:44):
As porn actors, it's.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Almost too much to wish for.
Speaker 17 (19:51):
Why issue the figures to play a divisive part in
the campaign is, of course, gay marriage. And you can
see why the President has said he's against it, while
Senator Carrie has said.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
He's against it.
Speaker 17 (20:04):
Well, Tonight, Samantha Bee goes in depth on the real
consequences gay marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
The effects of gay marriage are being felt across the
country in ways we could have never imagined just a
few months ago. One of the most alarming developments is
happening in New York City at the Central Park Zoo.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
We have penguins that have formed a very strong pair bond,
and they are the same.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Sex gay penguins.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
It's very very common in all zoos and again in
nature to see homosexual beginning.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Just because it happens in nature does not make it natural.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
I think by definition it actually does.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
And apparently some of these gay penguins are in long
term relationships. Roy and Silo have been together for five years.
How many gay penguins do you? Actually have?
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Three pairs that are same sex, one female female pair
among the Gentoo penguins and two male male pairs among
the chin straps.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
So two of your Gentoo penguins and four of your
strap On penguins are.
Speaker 5 (21:18):
Gay chin Strap penguins.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
That's what I said.
Speaker 5 (21:23):
I said, strap On.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
How many gay penguins did you have two weeks ago
before the gay marriage boom.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Well, I don't think gay marriage has anything to do
with our penguins.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
But according to doctor Paul Cameron of the Family Research Institute,
the gay penguins have everything to do with gay marriage.
Speaker 18 (21:44):
There is no such thing as gay penguins. This is
just propaganda. If you can believe that these are gay penguins,
you're buying the gay agenda.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
When children see these feather dusters, these flight us felters,
these chum guzzlers, what message does it send to them?
Speaker 18 (22:05):
When you have gay penguins and you tell the kids this,
you're saying to them homosexual activity is everywhere, even among penguins.
You can even get homosexually married. It's all okay, whatever
you want to do.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And using penguins to further the gay agenda is ingenious.
Penguins are already dressed in tuxedos, just like grooms. So
if kids believe that penguins can be gay, then so
can grooms, and then what's to stop groom and penguin marriages.
(22:40):
We don't want to turn our children into ask clowns.
Speaker 19 (22:43):
No, we don't want.
Speaker 18 (22:43):
To turn them into any kind of animals. We want
our children to be well socialized Americans.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yet the Central Park Zoo seems hell bent on destroying
America's children. We've got a chilled buffet of bird buggery.
What are you doing to stop the spread of unnatural
love outside the penguin house?
Speaker 3 (23:05):
We have actually done nothing about that. Here at Central
Park Zoo, we have observed same sex behavior among the
seals and also some of the primates, including the snow monkeys.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, don't feed him, but it's okay to validate their
deviant lifestyle.
Speaker 18 (23:27):
Are there such things as homosexual animals?
Speaker 2 (23:31):
I don't think so. Then how do you explain Chippendale Garfield?
Speaker 4 (23:43):
God, he lives here.
Speaker 18 (23:47):
What about Garfield?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
He's a confirmed bachelor, He's picky about his food, he
doesn't like to get his feet wet.
Speaker 18 (23:53):
Well, he certainly sounds like a candidate.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
But to prove there's no such thing as a gay penguin,
he took me to the zoo.
Speaker 18 (24:01):
These birds are not gay.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
They appear to put a lot of attention into their
personal grooming. That's something that gays do.
Speaker 18 (24:08):
Our children should not be taught such a silly thing
as that there are quote unquote gay penguins or lesbian penguins.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Okay, I'm with you on the male penguin sex devian
and disgusting, but girlin girl penguin sex that is hot.
Doctor Cameron could deny it all he wanted, but there
was no denying who these penguins were. Right now that
(24:38):
President Bush's foreign policy has been a complete success and
the world is peaceful and poverty free, He's setting his
sights on America's most critical domestic issue, privatizing Social Security.
Speaker 5 (24:51):
Now's the time to act. In twenty forty two, the
system will be broke.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
And the president is worried that in twenty forty twos
will have a hard time getting their checks from the
ruthless cyborgs that control the Earth. Star Parker of Cure
thinks she knows what to do with Social Security.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
End it, so security should die.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Do we owe our senior citizens anything? Really?
Speaker 7 (25:18):
I think it's time that American people say, no, we
don't owe you anything. I'm very generous to elderly, but
do I want the government taking half my check and
sending it to them in the mail?
Speaker 2 (25:29):
No Star is tired of handing out cash to people
who just blow it all on medicine and food. She
believes the private sector is the answer, not government.
Speaker 7 (25:41):
The beautiful thing about the market is it adjusts to this,
to anywhere there's a need.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
What if corporations got to sponsor old people, It'd be like, Hey,
there's FedEx, mister Johnson, or oh look it's cinnabon Max Goldberg,
And it would be so great because he'd get to
wear a huge cinnamon bunk costume and that would also
keep him warm. But do Star's plan really keep senior's
(26:07):
best interests at heart? Many would argue that those most
in need will be overlooked. Jarvis Teyner thinks the elderly
don't get enough benefits.
Speaker 20 (26:18):
The truth is that seniors can barely make it on
what they get. Right now, we should be really increasing
the benefits from social security.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
What are you coming?
Speaker 20 (26:29):
Yes, I am a Commons.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
All right? What else would you do?
Speaker 20 (26:36):
We should wipe out poverty and racism and inequality towards women.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Would you like to buy the world of coke?
Speaker 20 (26:44):
We're boycotting Coke because of their activities down in Columbia.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Okay, lighten up, Jarvis.
Speaker 21 (26:53):
But while Jarvis's boycott of Coke is working, his plan
for social security will not Hello, Christ.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
But if we scrap benefits, how do we break it
to the most vulnerable of our seniors. Let's do a
little role play. I'll play an elderly person and you
tell me why you're ending my benefits.
Speaker 7 (27:18):
I have some good news and bad news. The good
news what we were going to be sending you fourteen
dollars four dollars a month that we said we.
Speaker 20 (27:28):
Were going John second.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Here, Hello, I'm.
Speaker 7 (27:35):
From the RS and I have some news for you.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I watch you every day on the view, and I
think your there is one other option for solving the
social security dilemma.
Speaker 14 (27:50):
My name is John Dougherty and I'm the director of
the Empire State Senior Games.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
John's plan is to kill off the elderly, quite physically
exhausting them.
Speaker 14 (27:59):
You have arch we have basketball, traffic, field events, this discus,
there's a shot put triathlon.
Speaker 20 (28:04):
More and more people are getting hooked on it.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
That's the best part of your plan that they believe
it's going to be good for them. The few that
survived the athletics meet their demise in the dance chamber.
What do you do with the seniors after they're finished?
Speaker 20 (28:21):
After they're finished, you know, what I mean.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
There are many ways to fix social security. Perhaps we
would be wise to ask seniors themselves what they think.
Speaker 7 (28:36):
Well.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
I for The Daily Show, I'm Samantha Bee. First Ladies.
They traditionally promote uncontroversial causes like literacy, just saying no
to drugs and rehab. But every once in a while,
a First Lady goes rogue. Michelle Obama broke ground for
(28:57):
an organic garden today. This seemingly harmless twenty by fifty
foot token gesture has created a firestorm for Jeff Steyer
of the American Council on Science and Health.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
I think the Obama garden would be which should come
with a warning label. Why it's irresponsible to tell people
that you have to eat organic and locally grown food.
Not everyone can afford that. That's a serious public health concern.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Okay, I don't follow.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
People are gonna eat fewer fruits and vegetables. Cancer rates
will go up, Obesity rates will go up. I think
if we decide we're only gonna eat locally grown food,
we're gonna have a lot of starvation.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
That's right. The White House garden is the rare public
health threat that can simultaneously cause starvation and obesity and
cancer on a scale of five year olds who smoke
to fourteen year olds having unprotected anal sex. Where does
this fit in?
Speaker 4 (29:52):
I would say there aren't a lot of five year
olds smoking.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
There are a lot of fourteen year olds who think
they're preserving their.
Speaker 4 (30:01):
Going in the back door, which is why I think
it falls somewhere between those two.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
But it may already be too late. Programs like the
Edible Schoolyard are already sowing the seeds of starvation, obesity,
and teen ass play.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
It's the elitist to tell people you need to be
eating organic foods.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Snooty Obamas, if.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
You have a white house garden, you can have a
healthy salad two in the summer months.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Where's my white house, my garden? Right?
Speaker 9 (30:28):
Organic?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Limousine liberals a bunch of friends, you're expensive ass food.
The Obamas might just as well have planted abortion trees.
And it's limousine liberals like Anne Cooper who are bringing
this elitist message to overprivileged children.
Speaker 19 (30:46):
What I'm promoting is the farthest thing from elitism. I'm
promoting a world where every child, rich or poor, gets
a healthy.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
That sounds pretty elite. To me, the Obama.
Speaker 19 (30:57):
Organic garden brings really a lot of optimism to the
way I feel about it.
Speaker 11 (31:01):
We are a toptender, modical about surely.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
You should look at you. That was an impression of
you in case you didn't notice. Fortunately, the American Council
on Science and Health has figured out a way to
undo the harm done by this garden.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
If the Obamas wanted to send a responsible message, they
would use pesticides, teaching kids how to be more efficient
and how to properly use chemicals to get more produce
in your land.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
But the ACSH and the concerned folks that fund them
like conna Egra on Santo DuPont Union Carbide down eight
a m can't take on big local garden alone. Educators
need to teach that while chemicals can sometimes be harmful,
organic gardening is always harmful. Hi, kids, I'm farmer Sam.
(31:50):
Now what do you think is better? Nature? Are chemicals?
Speaker 13 (31:53):
Nature?
Speaker 2 (31:55):
Nature wants to kill you. All they needed was to
hear the fact you fertilize an organic garden with cowplops.
Let's talk about some of the things that we find
in the chemical world, shall we.
Speaker 5 (32:11):
I believe the chill off Oh.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
My goodness, what iPods. I love iPods. Yeah, you really
want to balance your chlorothalanol with your addressine and your alachlore.
Speaker 11 (32:26):
Show them all the food and they bust and such.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
The best thing about chemicals is you never know what
they might do to you. Some of them might make
you sick, but some of them also might make you
invisible or make you fly. It was clear that with
very little knowledge and a whole lot of pesticides, Jeff
Steyer's dream of an organic, free world might someday be realized.
Speaker 11 (32:54):
Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get you'll podcasts.
Speaker 5 (33:01):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 15 (33:03):
Tenth Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
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