Jon Stewart covers the war in Gaza and suggests possible solutions to end the conflict. Plus, Michael Kosta gives us the scoop on Biden discussing a ceasefire in Gaza from the comfort of an ice cream parlor, CPAC's concert to celebrate Trump "winning" the 2020 election, and he and Ronny Chieng discuss Wendy's new surge pricing model.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome Love to the day Show.
I am your host, John Stewart. This is the third episode.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
This is my third episode.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
The first two very controversial. A lot of discourse.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Around it, a lot of carping back and forth, a
lot of anger, a lot of commentary.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Tonight, I'm done with it.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Tonight is perhaps in a moose boush, a trifle something light.
Tonight we discussed Israel Palace. Are we.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
He wrote this?
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Well, I legally have to read what's in the prompter.
So here we go. We're gonna take a look in
our new and probably never ending segment.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, somehow the audience knew. But tonight.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
We discuss Israel Palestine.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
You EXCISSI on the Israel of houns. That is nothing
to do it, So justify all the actions of yourself.
Mentions the mouth of the field.
Speaker 4 (01:32):
Codemous, be not mean.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
We don't codemn homunts.
Speaker 5 (01:33):
Don't listen to the segment if you're presupposed to sences
of mowais on feet, comsidefects, dicussing the least our press, anxiety,
infections of the pair and the m and crave humss.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Well, folks, this is an awful situation.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
We're coming off on five months of a brutal bombing
campaign brought on by a horrific massacre and hostage taking,
and we seem no closer to ending anything but the
reigns of a couple of Ivy League presidents. Well, this
weekend Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin netanya who finally laid out
(02:11):
his plan for.
Speaker 6 (02:12):
Peace, Benjamin Netanyah, who is calling for complete demilitarization of
Gaza as well as Israel taking over security and controlling
entry and exit points to Gaza.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
So your peace plan is a siege, a military sege.
You really think a military solution ends this cycle?
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Victory is within reach and you can't have victory until
you eliminate Kamas.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
But okay, but your plan to eliminate Hamas by destroying
all of Gaza, doesn't.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
That just make more Hamasis? Is that the plural of us?
Speaker 3 (03:00):
HUMMUSI? I mean it's an idea. Palciti liberation is an
idea unless you have a bomb that kills ideas? Do
you have a bomb that kills ideas? I mean, how
long would it even take to bomb the shit out
of an idea?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
The intense phase of the fighting is weeks away from completion,
not months weeks away from completion.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Oh, dear God, if you insist on this plan, if
you think that ends hamas, I believe, we in the
United States have a banner you can use. It's a
little wind damaged, but equally delusional. Look, the United States
(03:46):
is Israel's closest ally, Israel's big brother in the Fraternity
of Nations, Israel's work emergency contact. Maybe it's time for
the US to give Israel some tough moral love.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
This is shameful.
Speaker 7 (04:05):
There has to be accountability for these war crimes.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
No targeting civilians in war.
Speaker 8 (04:10):
Stop the war crimes and the atrocities, and end the
war today.
Speaker 7 (04:15):
It could happen right now.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Right now, thank you. These atrocities.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
So I'm being told the administration was talking about Russia
bombing Ukraine. I apologize, also a war crime. But I'm
sure they're giving equally stern advice to Israel.
Speaker 5 (04:37):
The Bide administration is urging Israel to be much more careful,
to be more cautious.
Speaker 3 (04:42):
How Israel does this matters.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Israel must do more to protect innocent civilians.
Speaker 7 (04:48):
We want to see the government of Israel take steps
to minimize civilian harm.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Be more surgical and more precise, and more careful.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
He Israel darker Durner nurse, could you please be more
careful with your bombing.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
It's good advice, but really couldn't the.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
United States have told Israel that when we gave them
all the bombs, when there are bombs, this is like
your coke dealer coming in with an eight ball and going,
don't stay up all night.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Don't sleep is very important. You gotta sleep, you.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Don't wanna, and breakfast is an important part of the day.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
So look, the Israeli position doesn't seem so tenable. Perhaps
I can find some diplomatic leeway in the Hamas position.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Israel is a country that has no place on your land.
Speaker 8 (05:46):
You must remove that country.
Speaker 7 (05:47):
Does that mean the annihilation of Israel?
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yes, of course I cannot find diplomatic leeway in the
Hamas position. Well, this is when we need the world,
the civilized world of nations, to come together and stop
(06:10):
this madness.
Speaker 8 (06:12):
A resolution calling for an immediate cease firing Gaza has
just failed to pass.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Are You in Security Council drop resolution throughout aid delivery
has been.
Speaker 9 (06:21):
Vetoed, Russia and China used their veto against an American
resolution condemning Helmas.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
The immediate ceasfiring in Gaza has failed. Western Nations voted
against it. It was delayed four times.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
This week draft resolution has not been adopted.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Why do you even have a freaking building?
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Why? Why do you we can use that, we have
a housing crisis.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Give us building right?
Speaker 3 (06:54):
What is what is the United Nations even?
Speaker 6 (06:57):
What?
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Are you just a support system for a diverse.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Pleasing food court.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
What are you.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
That cannot be the UN's food court? By the way,
that is that is clearly just the mall in Long Island.
Doesn't anyone care about the suffering of all these civilians?
What about a good neighbor? Saudi Arabia and notally.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
The Palestinian cause is the air world's most import cause.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
I want to see a good life for the Pedestinians.
Thank you, Saudi Ara, thank you. And while Saudi Arabia
does not accept Palestinian refugees and Egypt doesn't either for
that matter, the Saudis are the richest country in the
region and they've given.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
This can't be right?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
On average about two hundred million dollars a year to
the Palestinians.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Jesus, are you kidding me?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
The Saudis have given just as much money to Phil Mickelson.
Is that true?
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I assume, I assume.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
To promote the equally important cause of the Nickelsonian people.
So Israel, the United States, the United Nations, the Arab nations.
No one seems to be incentivized to stop the suffering
of the innocent people in this region. I didn't want
to bring this up, but there is another player, small
(08:30):
religious startup out of Bethlehem. I think it might have
begun as a carpenter's union, but has gotten big. Did
they have a plan for the Middle East?
Speaker 10 (08:46):
There will be the Battle of Armageddon. Jesus Christ is
going to sweep over that battle field and to annihilate
that army of two hundred million people.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
The blood will float the bridle of a horse.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
So that's the plan for the principiece.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Is that all?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
I am not in a questrian expert, but if the
blood goes all the way to the.
Speaker 11 (09:18):
Bridle, that's an enormous amount of blood. Unless are we
talking about the mini horses, because that's still it's a
lot of blood, but more manageable and adorable, but I
think I think we have to get real here.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
The status quo cycle of provocation and retribution is predicated
on some idea that one of these groups is going
to go away, and they are not. If we want
a safe and free Israel and a safe and free Palestine,
we have to recognize that reality. And I know that
there is a twisted and much contested history in the
(10:05):
region that has brought us to this point. But we
are at this point and anything we do from here
has to look forward. So tonight, lucky you, I'm going
to do that with not one, not two, but three
Solutions for peace.
Speaker 10 (10:26):
Number one, Along the shores of Pleasant Lake in Maine,
ninety five Israeli and Palestinian teams are trading rockets.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
For rackets, not The goal of Seeds of Peace is
to open these young minds. Okay, that one hasn't been
scaled up yet and may take longer than we have
(10:55):
unless we just bring the whole region to Maine. How
fast can we make fourteen million rackets?
Speaker 1 (11:04):
But that's just my opening offer. That was just one
peach plant. People don't abandon me yet.
Speaker 11 (11:09):
No.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Two, Let's just ask God. It's his house. He's the
one who started all this. Just ask God. He can
tell us who is right?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Is it the Jews? Is it the Muslims? Is it
the Zoroastrians? If it's the scientologists, a lot of us
are gonna have egg on our faces. But given God's
lack of communication over this past, let's say millennia. All right,
(11:49):
here's another one, and heaven forbid, I actually think this
last one could work, starting now, no preconditions, no earned us,
no partners for peace. Israel stops bombing Hamas, releases the hostages.
The Arab countries who claim Palestine as their top priority
(12:11):
come in and form a demilitarized zone between Israel and
a free Palestinian state, the Saudist Egypt, UAE Cutter Jordan.
They all form like a NATO arrangement, guaranteeing security for
both sides. Obviously, they won't call it NATO. It's the
Middle East Treaty Organization.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
It's me too. It's let's sweet it out me too, tonight.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
People, let's get this region me too. Now. Obviously I
have not worked out the exact verbiage, but anything is
better than the cluster cycle we have now, because honestly,
what is the alternative.
Speaker 10 (12:58):
The trump of God sounds and the rapture happened. We're
gone in the twinkling of a nine, which is simply
not here.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Poof Indeed, Sir.
Speaker 7 (13:15):
Poof, Indeed, Let's kick things off with an update on
the war in the Middle East. With the situation increasingly desperate,
the world has been looking to the United States for
a way forward, and yesterday President Joe Biden had some
good news, although he delivered it in the most Joe
Biden way possible.
Speaker 10 (13:36):
Can you give us a second way?
Speaker 8 (13:38):
You think that he finally.
Speaker 10 (13:39):
Started, Well, I hope by the beginning of the weekend,
I mean the end of the weekend at least my
not security advisor tells me that we're close.
Speaker 4 (13:49):
We're closer.
Speaker 7 (13:53):
Not the most dignified way to deliver a world changing news.
It does remind me of the photo of Obama's team
watching that bin ladenrad while making balloon animals. Now, in
Joe Biden's defense, he had the ice cream first. It's
not like they asked him about Gaza and he said,
hold on, if we're going to talk.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
About war, I got to get a mint ship.
Speaker 7 (14:15):
No, he was in an ice cream store about to
eat ice cream and some reporter jumped in and said,
what about Gaza. This is why I don't think we
should have a free press personally, I don't think anyone
should be asked about Israel Palestine while.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
They're eating ice cream. I thought that was like an
unwritten rule.
Speaker 7 (14:33):
I'm holding a tiny cylinder topped with a giant, misshapen
dairy blob that immediately starts melting on all sides. I've
got one tiny little napkin. For some reason, you think
Israel Palestine is a crisis. I'm dealing with something here.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I'll tell you what.
Speaker 7 (14:52):
If I was a politician, I would always have an
ice cream with me, just to cram in my mouth
in case I got asked about Israel Palestine. It's not
a good strategy for Mitch McConnell, though, that guy already.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Has brain freeze Kobe.
Speaker 7 (15:13):
Now, despite Biden's prediction, both of US and Israel say
they're not actually close to a ceasefire. But I'm not
surprised that Biden was so optimistic. When you're holding a
freshly scooped ice cream.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Cone, everything feels like it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 7 (15:29):
That's why it's the official food of telling your kid
you're getting a divorce.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Ice cream. It is your fault, kiddo.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (15:43):
So I don't blame Biden for talking about that stuff
while he was eating ice cream.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
What I do blame him for is why does he
open his mouth so early in the process.
Speaker 7 (15:55):
I don't know about you, but I typically open my
mouth when the food gets there.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
A lot of prep time. And he did one other
thing that I found pretty disturbing. That is, we've got
name shed dude. The sneeze guard is there for a reason.
Speaker 7 (16:17):
Republicans are right, Biden doesn't really respect borders. Impeach, impeach,
although I will say I am impressed by how flexible
his shoulders are.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Yeah, I didn't think he could do that based on
what I've.
Speaker 7 (16:31):
Heard from John Stewart, you would think his arms would
just fall right off. Well, let's move on to the
other side of the aisle, because over the weekend, Republicans
gathered for Seapack, the Conservative Political Action Conference. It's like
Woodstock for people who hate anybody who went to Woodstock.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
And if you think the whole.
Speaker 7 (16:52):
Weekend was just them saying that Trump really won the
twenty twenty election, no no, no, no no.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
They were also singing it. Does anyone have any Molly?
(17:22):
I want to overdose.
Speaker 7 (17:25):
If the lyrics are too subtle for you. I like
how her dress gets the point across what she's saying. Oh,
I see Trump one.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
But look. Seapac isn't just the best rock concert of
all time.
Speaker 7 (17:35):
It's also an important way to find out what the
current conservative priorities are. And based on the titles of
this weekend's panel discussions, it's going to be a fun.
Speaker 8 (17:44):
Year Seapack twenty twenty four. Where globalism goes to die,
Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Does Congress even matter?
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Would Moses go to Harvard?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
What you're talking about?
Speaker 8 (17:56):
Fanny willis shooting from the hip, going full hunger stopping.
Georgie Soros survival uncanceled. God loves Justice, God's children are
not for sale. Babies are us putting our heads in
the gas stove.
Speaker 7 (18:15):
Seems like you guys might be inhaling some fumes already. Now,
it's always good to have panels that sound like categories
if Jeopardy had a mental breakdown.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Let's move on to some economic news.
Speaker 7 (18:28):
Traditionally, Americans have eaten food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner,
but soon that's going to cost you.
Speaker 9 (18:34):
Wendy's, the country's second largest burger chain with six thousand locations,
announcing that starting next year, menu prices will fluctuate during
the busiest times of day, meaning you could be paying
as much as a dollar more for that baconator during
the lunch rush. Wendy's CEO announcing his company will spend
twenty million dollars on high tech digital menu boards that
(18:56):
can update prices in real time. Wendy's telling ABC News
in a statement that the decision can allow them to
motivate customers to visit and provide them with the food
they love at a great value.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Shut the fi. I mean, whoa, You're providing me with
food I love at a great value.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
Don't you hate when companies try to pretend they're not
squeezing every dollar out of us?
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Just tell me you want all my money, dude, Okay,
don't take my wallet and be like this is good
for both of us.
Speaker 7 (19:29):
But yeah, it looks like Wendy's is going to charge
more during the most popular times. And they call this
dynamic pricing or whatever, but really, this is just another
tax on people who hate themselves and don't know how
to cook, although this will be good for guys looking
to impress girls. Hey you want to go to Wendy's
during the lunch rush?
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Ooh all right?
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Playah, Well, let's face facts. This is the way of
the future.
Speaker 7 (19:56):
Airlines and hotels and Uber already do this, And if
Wendy's pulls this off, there's no reason why every restaurant, hell,
every place of business won't be using surge pricing. Soon
the emergency room will be like, look, you didn come
back at two am. Fixing those stab wounds will be
a lot cheaper. So if you agree with me that
this has to stop, there's only one natural conclusion. You
(20:18):
need to burn down a Wendy's right now, and you
also need to say it was your idea.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
That's important.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 8 (20:49):
Yew
You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome Love to the day Show.
I am your host, John Stewart. This is the third episode.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
This is my third episode.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
The first two very controversial. A lot of discourse.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Around it, a lot of carping back and forth, a
lot of anger, a lot of commentary.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Tonight, I'm done with it.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Tonight is perhaps in a moose boush, a trifle something light.
Tonight we discussed Israel Palace. Are we.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
He wrote this?
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Well, I legally have to read what's in the prompter.
So here we go. We're gonna take a look in
our new and probably never ending segment.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, somehow the audience knew. But tonight.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
We discuss Israel Palestine.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
You EXCISSI on the Israel of houns. That is nothing
to do it, So justify all the actions of yourself.
Mentions the mouth of the field.
Speaker 4 (01:32):
Codemous, be not mean.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
We don't codemn homunts.
Speaker 5 (01:33):
Don't listen to the segment if you're presupposed to sences
of mowais on feet, comsidefects, dicussing the least our press, anxiety,
infections of the pair and the m and crave humss.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Well, folks, this is an awful situation.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
We're coming off on five months of a brutal bombing
campaign brought on by a horrific massacre and hostage taking,
and we seem no closer to ending anything but the
reigns of a couple of Ivy League presidents. Well, this
weekend Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin netanya who finally laid out
(02:11):
his plan for.
Speaker 6 (02:12):
Peace, Benjamin Netanyah, who is calling for complete demilitarization of
Gaza as well as Israel taking over security and controlling
entry and exit points to Gaza.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
So your peace plan is a siege, a military sege.
You really think a military solution ends this cycle?
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Victory is within reach and you can't have victory until
you eliminate Kamas.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
But okay, but your plan to eliminate Hamas by destroying
all of Gaza, doesn't.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
That just make more Hamasis? Is that the plural of us?
Speaker 3 (03:00):
HUMMUSI? I mean it's an idea. Palciti liberation is an
idea unless you have a bomb that kills ideas? Do
you have a bomb that kills ideas? I mean, how
long would it even take to bomb the shit out
of an idea?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
The intense phase of the fighting is weeks away from completion,
not months weeks away from completion.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Oh, dear God, if you insist on this plan, if
you think that ends hamas, I believe, we in the
United States have a banner you can use. It's a
little wind damaged, but equally delusional. Look, the United States
(03:46):
is Israel's closest ally, Israel's big brother in the Fraternity
of Nations, Israel's work emergency contact. Maybe it's time for
the US to give Israel some tough moral love.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
This is shameful.
Speaker 7 (04:05):
There has to be accountability for these war crimes.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
No targeting civilians in war.
Speaker 8 (04:10):
Stop the war crimes and the atrocities, and end the
war today.
Speaker 7 (04:15):
It could happen right now.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Right now, thank you. These atrocities.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
So I'm being told the administration was talking about Russia
bombing Ukraine. I apologize, also a war crime. But I'm
sure they're giving equally stern advice to Israel.
Speaker 5 (04:37):
The Bide administration is urging Israel to be much more careful,
to be more cautious.
Speaker 3 (04:42):
How Israel does this matters.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Israel must do more to protect innocent civilians.
Speaker 7 (04:48):
We want to see the government of Israel take steps
to minimize civilian harm.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Be more surgical and more precise, and more careful.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
He Israel darker Durner nurse, could you please be more
careful with your bombing.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
It's good advice, but really couldn't the.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
United States have told Israel that when we gave them
all the bombs, when there are bombs, this is like
your coke dealer coming in with an eight ball and going,
don't stay up all night.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Don't sleep is very important. You gotta sleep, you.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Don't wanna, and breakfast is an important part of the day.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
So look, the Israeli position doesn't seem so tenable. Perhaps
I can find some diplomatic leeway in the Hamas position.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Israel is a country that has no place on your land.
Speaker 8 (05:46):
You must remove that country.
Speaker 7 (05:47):
Does that mean the annihilation of Israel?
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yes, of course I cannot find diplomatic leeway in the
Hamas position. Well, this is when we need the world,
the civilized world of nations, to come together and stop
(06:10):
this madness.
Speaker 8 (06:12):
A resolution calling for an immediate cease firing Gaza has
just failed to pass.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Are You in Security Council drop resolution throughout aid delivery
has been.
Speaker 9 (06:21):
Vetoed, Russia and China used their veto against an American
resolution condemning Helmas.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
The immediate ceasfiring in Gaza has failed. Western Nations voted
against it. It was delayed four times.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
This week draft resolution has not been adopted.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Why do you even have a freaking building?
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Why? Why do you we can use that, we have
a housing crisis.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Give us building right?
Speaker 3 (06:54):
What is what is the United Nations even?
Speaker 6 (06:57):
What?
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Are you just a support system for a diverse.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Pleasing food court.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
What are you.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
That cannot be the UN's food court? By the way,
that is that is clearly just the mall in Long Island.
Doesn't anyone care about the suffering of all these civilians?
What about a good neighbor? Saudi Arabia and notally.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
The Palestinian cause is the air world's most import cause.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
I want to see a good life for the Pedestinians.
Thank you, Saudi Ara, thank you. And while Saudi Arabia
does not accept Palestinian refugees and Egypt doesn't either for
that matter, the Saudis are the richest country in the
region and they've given.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
This can't be right?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
On average about two hundred million dollars a year to
the Palestinians.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Jesus, are you kidding me?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
The Saudis have given just as much money to Phil Mickelson.
Is that true?
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I assume, I assume.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
To promote the equally important cause of the Nickelsonian people.
So Israel, the United States, the United Nations, the Arab nations.
No one seems to be incentivized to stop the suffering
of the innocent people in this region. I didn't want
to bring this up, but there is another player, small
(08:30):
religious startup out of Bethlehem. I think it might have
begun as a carpenter's union, but has gotten big. Did
they have a plan for the Middle East?
Speaker 10 (08:46):
There will be the Battle of Armageddon. Jesus Christ is
going to sweep over that battle field and to annihilate
that army of two hundred million people.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
The blood will float the bridle of a horse.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
So that's the plan for the principiece.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Is that all?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
I am not in a questrian expert, but if the
blood goes all the way to the.
Speaker 11 (09:18):
Bridle, that's an enormous amount of blood. Unless are we
talking about the mini horses, because that's still it's a
lot of blood, but more manageable and adorable, but I
think I think we have to get real here.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
The status quo cycle of provocation and retribution is predicated
on some idea that one of these groups is going
to go away, and they are not. If we want
a safe and free Israel and a safe and free Palestine,
we have to recognize that reality. And I know that
there is a twisted and much contested history in the
(10:05):
region that has brought us to this point. But we
are at this point and anything we do from here
has to look forward. So tonight, lucky you, I'm going
to do that with not one, not two, but three
Solutions for peace.
Speaker 10 (10:26):
Number one, Along the shores of Pleasant Lake in Maine,
ninety five Israeli and Palestinian teams are trading rockets.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
For rackets, not The goal of Seeds of Peace is
to open these young minds. Okay, that one hasn't been
scaled up yet and may take longer than we have
(10:55):
unless we just bring the whole region to Maine. How
fast can we make fourteen million rackets?
Speaker 1 (11:04):
But that's just my opening offer. That was just one
peach plant. People don't abandon me yet.
Speaker 11 (11:09):
No.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Two, Let's just ask God. It's his house. He's the
one who started all this. Just ask God. He can
tell us who is right?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Is it the Jews? Is it the Muslims? Is it
the Zoroastrians? If it's the scientologists, a lot of us
are gonna have egg on our faces. But given God's
lack of communication over this past, let's say millennia. All right,
(11:49):
here's another one, and heaven forbid, I actually think this
last one could work, starting now, no preconditions, no earned us,
no partners for peace. Israel stops bombing Hamas, releases the hostages.
The Arab countries who claim Palestine as their top priority
(12:11):
come in and form a demilitarized zone between Israel and
a free Palestinian state, the Saudist Egypt, UAE Cutter Jordan.
They all form like a NATO arrangement, guaranteeing security for
both sides. Obviously, they won't call it NATO. It's the
Middle East Treaty Organization.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
It's me too. It's let's sweet it out me too, tonight.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
People, let's get this region me too. Now. Obviously I
have not worked out the exact verbiage, but anything is
better than the cluster cycle we have now, because honestly,
what is the alternative.
Speaker 10 (12:58):
The trump of God sounds and the rapture happened. We're
gone in the twinkling of a nine, which is simply
not here.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Poof Indeed, Sir.
Speaker 7 (13:15):
Poof, Indeed, Let's kick things off with an update on
the war in the Middle East. With the situation increasingly desperate,
the world has been looking to the United States for
a way forward, and yesterday President Joe Biden had some
good news, although he delivered it in the most Joe
Biden way possible.
Speaker 10 (13:36):
Can you give us a second way?
Speaker 8 (13:38):
You think that he finally.
Speaker 10 (13:39):
Started, Well, I hope by the beginning of the weekend,
I mean the end of the weekend at least my
not security advisor tells me that we're close.
Speaker 4 (13:49):
We're closer.
Speaker 7 (13:53):
Not the most dignified way to deliver a world changing news.
It does remind me of the photo of Obama's team
watching that bin ladenrad while making balloon animals. Now, in
Joe Biden's defense, he had the ice cream first. It's
not like they asked him about Gaza and he said,
hold on, if we're going to talk.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
About war, I got to get a mint ship.
Speaker 7 (14:15):
No, he was in an ice cream store about to
eat ice cream and some reporter jumped in and said,
what about Gaza. This is why I don't think we
should have a free press personally, I don't think anyone
should be asked about Israel Palestine while.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
They're eating ice cream. I thought that was like an
unwritten rule.
Speaker 7 (14:33):
I'm holding a tiny cylinder topped with a giant, misshapen
dairy blob that immediately starts melting on all sides. I've
got one tiny little napkin. For some reason, you think
Israel Palestine is a crisis. I'm dealing with something here.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I'll tell you what.
Speaker 7 (14:52):
If I was a politician, I would always have an
ice cream with me, just to cram in my mouth
in case I got asked about Israel Palestine. It's not
a good strategy for Mitch McConnell, though, that guy already.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Has brain freeze Kobe.
Speaker 7 (15:13):
Now, despite Biden's prediction, both of US and Israel say
they're not actually close to a ceasefire. But I'm not
surprised that Biden was so optimistic. When you're holding a
freshly scooped ice cream.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Cone, everything feels like it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 7 (15:29):
That's why it's the official food of telling your kid
you're getting a divorce.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Ice cream. It is your fault, kiddo.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (15:43):
So I don't blame Biden for talking about that stuff
while he was eating ice cream.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
What I do blame him for is why does he
open his mouth so early in the process.
Speaker 7 (15:55):
I don't know about you, but I typically open my
mouth when the food gets there.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
A lot of prep time. And he did one other
thing that I found pretty disturbing. That is, we've got
name shed dude. The sneeze guard is there for a reason.
Speaker 7 (16:17):
Republicans are right, Biden doesn't really respect borders. Impeach, impeach,
although I will say I am impressed by how flexible
his shoulders are.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Yeah, I didn't think he could do that based on
what I've.
Speaker 7 (16:31):
Heard from John Stewart, you would think his arms would
just fall right off. Well, let's move on to the
other side of the aisle, because over the weekend, Republicans
gathered for Seapack, the Conservative Political Action Conference. It's like
Woodstock for people who hate anybody who went to Woodstock.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
And if you think the whole.
Speaker 7 (16:52):
Weekend was just them saying that Trump really won the
twenty twenty election, no no, no, no no.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
They were also singing it. Does anyone have any Molly?
(17:22):
I want to overdose.
Speaker 7 (17:25):
If the lyrics are too subtle for you. I like
how her dress gets the point across what she's saying. Oh,
I see Trump one.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
But look. Seapac isn't just the best rock concert of
all time.
Speaker 7 (17:35):
It's also an important way to find out what the
current conservative priorities are. And based on the titles of
this weekend's panel discussions, it's going to be a fun.
Speaker 8 (17:44):
Year Seapack twenty twenty four. Where globalism goes to die,
Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Does Congress even matter?
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Would Moses go to Harvard?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
What you're talking about?
Speaker 8 (17:56):
Fanny willis shooting from the hip, going full hunger stopping.
Georgie Soros survival uncanceled. God loves Justice, God's children are
not for sale. Babies are us putting our heads in
the gas stove.
Speaker 7 (18:15):
Seems like you guys might be inhaling some fumes already. Now,
it's always good to have panels that sound like categories
if Jeopardy had a mental breakdown.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Let's move on to some economic news.
Speaker 7 (18:28):
Traditionally, Americans have eaten food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner,
but soon that's going to cost you.
Speaker 9 (18:34):
Wendy's, the country's second largest burger chain with six thousand locations,
announcing that starting next year, menu prices will fluctuate during
the busiest times of day, meaning you could be paying
as much as a dollar more for that baconator during
the lunch rush. Wendy's CEO announcing his company will spend
twenty million dollars on high tech digital menu boards that
(18:56):
can update prices in real time. Wendy's telling ABC News
in a statement that the decision can allow them to
motivate customers to visit and provide them with the food
they love at a great value.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Shut the fi. I mean, whoa, You're providing me with
food I love at a great value.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
Don't you hate when companies try to pretend they're not
squeezing every dollar out of us?
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Just tell me you want all my money, dude, Okay,
don't take my wallet and be like this is good
for both of us.
Speaker 7 (19:29):
But yeah, it looks like Wendy's is going to charge
more during the most popular times. And they call this
dynamic pricing or whatever, but really, this is just another
tax on people who hate themselves and don't know how
to cook, although this will be good for guys looking
to impress girls. Hey you want to go to Wendy's
during the lunch rush?
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Ooh all right?
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Playah, Well, let's face facts. This is the way of
the future.
Speaker 7 (19:56):
Airlines and hotels and Uber already do this, And if
Wendy's pulls this off, there's no reason why every restaurant, hell,
every place of business won't be using surge pricing. Soon
the emergency room will be like, look, you didn come
back at two am. Fixing those stab wounds will be
a lot cheaper. So if you agree with me that
this has to stop, there's only one natural conclusion. You
(20:18):
need to burn down a Wendy's right now, and you
also need to say it was your idea.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
That's important.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 8 (20:49):
Yew
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