Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, it's me Michael Costa. The Daily Show is on
break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put
together some special highlights just for you. We'll be back
in the new year on January seventh with all new episodes.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Arizona State Legislator Randy Graff values our Second Amendment right
to bear arms, and.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
I don't see why that right should be abridged. Well,
you're doing just about anything.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So he proposed a bill that would close up a bizarre
loophole in Arizona.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Law, Senate Bill twelve ten. There's a very simple measure
that would change our Arizona statutes and a lot of
the carrier of weapons into establishments at serve alcohol.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
You hurt him right. For some insane reason, bars in
Arizona are currently gun free.
Speaker 4 (00:53):
Is there anything more terrifying than a room full of
people without guns?
Speaker 3 (00:58):
I guess what would be more terrified would be a
room full of people not allowed to have guns.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
I just got chills.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Grafts bill to allow guns and bars has already passed
the House, but even common sense ideas have their opponents,
like Democratic Representative John Laredo.
Speaker 5 (01:20):
When people drink, we don't allow them to drive. Why, well,
because their motor skills are inhibited and their judgment is inhibited.
Speaker 4 (01:28):
Drinking and driving is illegal because cars can crash and
kill people. A gun is hardly a car.
Speaker 5 (01:37):
A gun is more dangerous than a car if you've
got alcohol involved. So I'm just saying that guns and
bars shouldn't be alone with alcohol.
Speaker 4 (01:49):
There's no need to shout.
Speaker 5 (01:51):
Okay a shouting at me?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
As a gun owning former marine, John Laredo is hardly
qualified to evaluate gun laws, unlike Randy Graff, whose views
are informed by his experience as a golf pro.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
For me, it's relatively simple. For many years I had
to interpret the rules of golf, and the rules of
golf book is sixty five pages or so long. We've
got our Constitution here. I read that as my newest
rule book.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
If the Arizona Legislature passes this bill, I'm sorry, Can
we go back for a second here? Did he just
compare the Constitution to a book of golf rules?
Speaker 6 (02:40):
Man?
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I love this guy.
Speaker 6 (02:44):
Anyway.
Speaker 5 (02:45):
The majority of the people that we've heard from are
very opposed to this legislation, So aren't you just cow
taling to the majority of Arizonians? I think any reasonable
rational person couttwing to me, aren't you Look if you're
so paranoid that you don't believe you can walk into
(03:05):
a bar without a gun, then you probably shouldn't be
there in the first place.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
What are you gonna do if a bear walks into
a bar and you're unarmed, You're gonna get eaten by
that bear.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
So how will this law affect those on the front lines?
I spoke with Ernie Ross, who owns the Steelhorse Saloon,
a local drinking establishment for motorcycle enthusiasts.
Speaker 7 (03:28):
Evidently, the person who is behind trying to push this
bill has no experience in the bar business. Liquor and
firearms don't mix.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Alcohol causes conflicts, Firearms resolve conflicts. It's a no blinner.
Speaker 7 (03:46):
Logic tells you that alcohol and firearms don't mix.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
If yeah, if you're a pussy, If you're a pussy.
Ernie and I had a delightful chat, a rational exchange
of ideas.
Speaker 7 (04:00):
Is all right, you're calling me a pussy. So would
you prefer me taking this bottle of beer I got
in my hand and cracking it over your face, or
you prefer me reaching to my back fling out my
fire arm and putting a bullet between your eyes.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Which do you prefer?
Speaker 8 (04:15):
I would say, if you hit me over the face
with a beer bottle.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Then then you're you're you're being a pussy. To prove
to the pussies that guns and liquor do mix, I
conducted a I conducted a scientific experiment.
Speaker 5 (04:32):
I'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I did find that a small amount of alcohol made
me somewhat more aggressive. Yeah, but with the appropriate dosage,
my behavior changed completely. You, oh, man, go ahead. Yeah.
(05:03):
I headed back to the Steelhorse Saloon and had the
time of my life, that is, until I reminded them
that they're all a bunch of pussy's. If only I'd
brought my gun.
Speaker 9 (05:30):
Earlier.
Speaker 8 (05:30):
Today, the Vice President was hospitalized after complaining of shortness
of breath or at Helms are standing by at the
George Washington University Hospital.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Where there's.
Speaker 8 (05:40):
Uh, what can you tell us about the vice president's
condition at this moment?
Speaker 5 (05:47):
John?
Speaker 2 (05:48):
The vice president is going to be just fine.
Speaker 6 (05:51):
Uh what.
Speaker 7 (05:53):
Happened? Dad?
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Well, as you know, the Vice President only speaks at
conservative friendly audiences. American Enterprise Institute Opus Day the Whitington
Oil in Jesus Society. This time he spoke at the
Heritage Foundation. We are not quite sure how it happened,
but he was somehow exposed to a small amount of
(06:15):
descent and suffered a mild reaction.
Speaker 7 (06:22):
Descent.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Yes, John, the vice president is extremely allergic to dissent.
That's why he only speaks to friendly crowds. It's not
that he doesn't want to hear the other side. It's
that people who disagree with him actually disagree with him.
You remember his near death experience after Katrina got as.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
I was talking to the mayor in those areas. One
of the things you go.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Going to figure out what to do with all of
the breed. That one made his head swell up like
a medicine ball. John. They actually had to stick Cheney
in the neck with an epinephrine pen But this time
(07:14):
it wasn't so bad. That's right, John. They think he
was only exposed to a trace Himount. Apparently one of
the bus boys at the luncheon voted for Nader in
two thousand and four.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Where's the Vice president right now?
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Ed At the moment, he's back resting comfortably in his
sensory inundation chamber.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Inundation.
Speaker 9 (07:34):
Sensory inundation.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Yes, John, an ergonomically designed, fully catheterized, velvet lined sarcophagus
that nurtures the Vice president on a constant stream of ideology,
reinforcing audio and video. He's removed very infrequently for speeches
and the occasional wipe down. They coat him with talk first,
(07:58):
but he still builds up one heck of a snake.
Speaker 8 (08:04):
What's it starcomagust, what's it like to be inside that thing?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
I'll show you John. This is what Cheney sees while
he's resting inside led the egle sort like she's never
sort before.
Speaker 5 (08:26):
From Rocky Coast, the Golden Shore, Let the mine.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Thank you ed.
Speaker 6 (08:35):
That helms everybody.
Speaker 8 (08:39):
In the last few years, America's so called culture war,
it's been sadly overshadowed by our so called war war,
but the saddle battles continue to be raged all across
the country. At Helms reports on.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
One last year, Massachusetts became the first state to allow
gay marriage, and critics fear the worst.
Speaker 4 (09:02):
If gay marriage is legalized, Madam, then you're going to
have to legalize polygamy.
Speaker 5 (09:06):
To redefine marriage is really to redefine it out of existence.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
A break down to the family, children being born out
of wedlock, and communities and cultures indicate. Now just one
year later, Massachusetts pro family activist Brian Camenkerk believes those
fears have become reality.
Speaker 6 (09:25):
You know, the gay marriage issue is destructive on many levels.
You have to deal with it in business, you have
to deal with it in the public school ware, you
have to deal with it in the public schools.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
So the quality of life has decreased. Yeah, holmlestness gone up.
Speaker 6 (09:43):
I can you know, crime rates, crime rates, air quality.
I mean, let me put it this way. I could
if I could sit here and I could probably you know,
find some way of connecting the dots to gay marriage
to all of these if I had enough time and
(10:04):
I did some research.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Yeah. Why take time to do the research when saying
it is so much faster. Besides, the statistics are clear cut.
Now that gay marriage is legal, Massachusetts ranks dead last
in illiteracy, forty eighth in per capita poverty, and a
pathetic forty ninth in total divorces. Somehow, Don and Robert,
(10:28):
one of the states first married gay couples, don't see
the problem. A lot of things that affect the state
of Massachusetts far more profoundly than two people who love
each other and getting married.
Speaker 4 (10:40):
Name one thing in Massachusetts that's not ruined? Well, I
guess I.
Speaker 5 (10:46):
Look at the people way around.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
I mean, I can't think of anything that gay's marriage
has actually caused other than letting people get married.
Speaker 4 (10:54):
Easy for them to say, How does legalized gay marriage
affect your relationship with your God?
Speaker 6 (11:01):
That's such a ridiculous question I don't even want to answer.
Are you like asking me serious questions or not?
Speaker 4 (11:07):
Of course? Okayah? Is it hard to stay interested in
your wife with temptation out there?
Speaker 6 (11:19):
Margot? Mean, come on, what are.
Speaker 4 (11:21):
Some other gay activities you haven't indulged in?
Speaker 6 (11:26):
Indulged in? What do you mean.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
The damage isn't limited to straight marriages.
Speaker 4 (11:34):
Has legalized same sex marriages led to more homosexuals?
Speaker 9 (11:39):
I think that in the Broadway it has, of course,
the Broadway has always had its share of homosexuals, But
in a broader sense, just how gay has Massachusetts become?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
To find out, I'll be using this gay detection device.
It's kind of a radar for gayness, or gay radar.
It's called a hormometer. I calibrated the meter and began
my investigation. Ugly, I hate it.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
I hate that stupid, I hate that stupid.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Stupid, fabulous, fabulous, fabulous, fabulous, I hate it.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
I hate that.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Oh my god, oh my god. That's okay. I think,
what does the insidious infiltration of gayness mean for the state?
Speaker 6 (12:37):
You know, it's a little scary as to where this
movement might be headed. Gay activists use a lot of
the pr tactics and propaganda tactics that the Nazis used.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
That comparison is a bit extreme, don't you think. I mean,
what did the Nazis do that was so bad?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Perhaps? No comparison captures the perversity of what marriage means.
Speaker 5 (13:03):
To gaze a companion through thick and thin, a warm
bed at night, yeah, yeah, someone to share your life with,
someone to grow old with. Yeah, that's disgusting.