June 15, 2025 • 34 mins
A Daily Show tribute to dads, for better or worse...
Jon Stewart analyzes the repercussions of President Biden pardoning his son, Hunter. John Leguizamo finds out about a sperm donor accused of fathering 550 kids. Roy Wood Jr. uncovers the Unsolved Mysteries of Don Jr.'s daddy issues. D. L. Hughley reports on a particularly bad dad. Trevor Noah discusses the parental hypocrisy of Herschel Walker. Kristen Schaal educates Jon Stewart on the phenomenon of the dad bod. Trevor tackles a tackling wrestling father. Roy Wood Jr. breaks down his harsh truths parenting strategies with Hasan Minaj. Jon recounts one boy's incredible journey to find his father. Grace Kuhlenschmidt heads to the DNC to find America's Dad, Tim Walz.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Democrats have a moral perch from which they can judge
without shame, hypocrisy, or nuance.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Breaking news, President Biden has issued a pardon for his
son Hunter Biden.
Speaker 4 (00:23):
Mother, we were so close, but you know it, get fine,
It's good, it's.
Speaker 5 (00:35):
Right, it's just right.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
An eighty two year old man doesn't want to spend
the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
The publicans can't wait with the shit all the time.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
I'm sure the pardon is a narrowly written, precisely drawn
farewell note of compassion for a loved one.
Speaker 6 (00:54):
The pardon sweeping covering offenses that Hunter Biden quote has
committed or may have committed or taken over the past
eleven years.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Eleven years is a very specific and not rounded amount
of time. So, Haunter, I'll give you a pardon a
few years, five years, ten years.
Speaker 5 (01:28):
It needs to be eleven.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
And if you would be so kind, make sure this
upcoming New Year's Eve is also covered.
Speaker 5 (01:44):
Shit's going to get Christy.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I didn't know pardons could cover for crimes you may
have committed.
Speaker 7 (01:51):
Um.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I'm surprised Biden didn't include the phrase on Earth one
or any.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Of the Earth's in the multi verse.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Now, some would say that's what any loving father would
do for their troubled son or daughter, should they have
the power. But on Fox News it was this love,
in fact, that may have caused the problem in the
first place.
Speaker 5 (02:13):
My dad always told me, Ainsley, if you get arrested,
don't call me. I'm not your first phone call.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
I'm leaving you in there. Good night, sweetie. Your dad
always told you that. Were you a degenerate or was
your dad de niro.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Nost Listen to me, No, you get pinched, I'm not
your first phone call.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
I don't know you.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
It's ten grand and a gun on the floorboards. Good luck, kid,
and by the way, not just Ainslie. The rest of
the Fox cinematic universe was no happier.
Speaker 6 (02:57):
Probably the worst president in US history, but also the
most corrupt.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
This entire administration has been nothing but as jam.
Speaker 8 (03:03):
He and his family are so full of slime that
Nickelodeon is going to sue for trademark infringement.
Speaker 9 (03:09):
You Joe Biden, You Joe Biden, Megan Kelly, who do
you think you are?
Speaker 10 (03:21):
Me?
Speaker 1 (03:24):
What am I supposed to say?
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Now? It was my line. You've sold my true.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Line at long last. Have you no decens.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Me? Of course, no one was more outraged than America's
judicial compass, Donald Seneca Trump.
Speaker 11 (03:47):
President elect Trump laying in as well, he says, does
the pardon given by Joe to Hunter include the January
sixth hostages who have now been in prison for years?
Such an abuse and miscarriage of justice?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Oh? You and your son?
Speaker 2 (04:01):
What about the people who tried to help me overthrow
the government? It's kind of a leap there. It's like going,
you know, oh, you're gonna let the kids stay up
to watch SNL, but you're not even gonna try to
help me burn the neighbor's house down. So obviously Republicans
are going to criticize. But Biden did make this line
(04:23):
of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so
long saying you wouldn't do it, because of how much
he respects the system. I'm not gonna do anything, I said,
I adde by the jury decision.
Speaker 6 (04:36):
I will do that, and I'm not.
Speaker 5 (04:37):
Part of them.
Speaker 12 (04:38):
Will you accept the jury's outcome, their verdict, no matter
what it is.
Speaker 5 (04:42):
Yes?
Speaker 13 (04:44):
And have you ruled out a pardon for your son?
Speaker 5 (04:46):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
I watch this dive. But here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I don't know if you've ever found in some of
this situation, If you ever find yourself in a situation
where you are being questioned about pardoning your son, do
not do it at the.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Swim up bar of a club med.
Speaker 5 (05:18):
And also not for nothing with an old guy.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
I mean, Biden squints indoors, so you don't face the
guy in the sun and try and get an honest
He immediately looks untrustworthy.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
You're gonna give him a pardon. But you know what,
ladies and.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Gentlemen, hypocrisy isn't illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics.
It's not like he's ever gonna run again, So why
not take care of your kid even if you said
you weren't gonna I respect it.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
I don't have a problem with it.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden's
pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of this defense
of America, this grand experiment.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
One political party remains committed to the rule of law
and the other doesn't.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
It's that simple, Hunter, Biden's not above the law.
Speaker 14 (06:10):
No one is above the law.
Speaker 15 (06:11):
Democrats stand for the rule of law.
Speaker 6 (06:13):
We accept the outcome, because that's how the rule of
law works.
Speaker 16 (06:16):
Because the justice system that convicted is only surviving son
is the same justice system he's vowed to protect. And
if that doesn't tell you who Joe Biden is, I
don't really know what does.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
I think I know what does?
Speaker 5 (06:37):
And now look at the dance Democrats have to do.
Speaker 17 (06:40):
Be honest, the only reason why they went after a
hunter the way they did, and I've talked to many
federal prosecutors about this, is because he's the president's son.
Speaker 12 (06:47):
People have to remember, the president had lost two children
already and he does not need to lose another one
to more political which hunts.
Speaker 8 (06:53):
The you know, crawling from Republicans.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
But we're talking about you know, Donald Trump is a convicted.
Speaker 9 (06:59):
Felon who literally.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Pardoned his daughter's father in law and just made an
ambassador to France.
Speaker 11 (07:07):
So for anyone that wants to clutch their pearls now
because he decided that he was going to pardon his son,
I would say, take a look in the mirror, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
We will take a look in that mirror. But we
are taking off, so you could just put this shit
on airplane mode.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
And let us get home.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
For the holidays.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Yes, yes, yes, yes to everything that you guys were saying.
If you hadn't made Hunter Biden not receiving a pardon
the Mason Dixon line of morality between Democrats.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
And Republicans, there's a big gap between.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
The law is the only thing that separates us from
the animals, and.
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Monkey frough shitted me first.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
I had no choice is what Biden's decision is done.
Look how confident and eloquent our Democratic representatives were back
when they thought they had the moral high ground on
this issue.
Speaker 18 (08:08):
I've not heard a single Democrat anywhere in the country
cry fraud, cry fixed, cry rigged, cry kangaroo court. You
don't hear a single peep out of any Democrat saying that.
Why we believe in the rule of law.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
And now look at what even he one of the
most verbally dexterous attorneys we have on Capitol Hill, has
been reduced to do.
Speaker 6 (08:32):
You think President Biden should pardon Hunter Biden?
Speaker 19 (08:35):
So there are lots of claims of political prosecution and.
Speaker 5 (08:39):
It was Hunter politically well, I.
Speaker 19 (08:41):
Mean, obviously that's a judicial point, and then you've got to
look at what the evidence is.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
And I don't know enough. Should I mean.
Speaker 19 (08:47):
Again, that is a unilateral executive power that.
Speaker 16 (08:53):
And should he use it?
Speaker 5 (08:54):
Well, you know the.
Speaker 19 (08:56):
Power exists for the president to show mercy for people.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I mean, we have an executive and we have a
judicial and then a legislative and.
Speaker 5 (09:07):
Then smoke bomb, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Wow, the first time I've crouched since Thanksgiving? And oh
that did not go well.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
But then why this weekend?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Normally you drop a controversial pardon like the way you
buy porn at a gas station, in a flurry of
other distracting purchases.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
And pardons. Will you give me the breath?
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Minstead to w D forty to squeegee there one of
those anal magazines, some corn nuts, pardon for my son,
the big Dicks Like Chicks pamphlet.
Speaker 5 (10:12):
So why did you do it? Now?
Speaker 6 (10:15):
As the NBC News first reported, the President did decide
to reverse course O for the holiday weekend at his
family's annual Thanksgiving getaway in Nantucket.
Speaker 5 (10:24):
Thanksgiving, I knew it.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down
in my new One Man show, Can you get Hunter
to stop looking at me like that?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
I take you there now, I'll be playing the role
of Hunter. How are you father? Are you well? Father?
Speaker 5 (11:11):
I'm a big down.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
You know, last Thanksgiving with the family for a while.
If only someone could change that. This turkey is deligious
obviously not one of the ones that was pardoned. I
(11:49):
made you watch that because people think I.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Can't act.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Overseas.
Speaker 20 (11:57):
A dutch Man is facing legal action for allegedly bothering
at least five hundred and fifty children.
Speaker 5 (12:02):
The forty one year old is a sperm donor. He's accused, though,
of lying.
Speaker 20 (12:06):
About the number of kids he's fathered through sperm banks,
violating agreements limits are placed on donors to protect children's health.
It's unclear what legal ramifications he could face.
Speaker 10 (12:23):
Holy shit, come on, he donated enough sperm for five
hundred and fifty kids. Goddamn dude, say something for the shower, bro.
What But in Thisgui's defense, when you're this cool, you
(12:46):
have an obligation to procreate. I mean, who want to
get knocked up by this sperm? But still, though, this
is going to make for some awkward conversations. Mommy, what's
my biological father like?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Honey?
Speaker 10 (13:05):
All I know about him is he loved to jack off.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Good night, honey.
Speaker 13 (13:12):
The accusations against our groper in chief as a governor
of New York. This guy was made a hero when
he seems like he's maybe the biggest predator in American
politics today.
Speaker 14 (13:23):
In recent weeks, Donald Trump Junior, the oldest, least ERICI,
son of Donald Trump, has been complaining that a politician
has not been punished for his alleged sex crimes. It
raises an uncomfortable question, does Don Junior know who his
father is? Seriously, that's this week on Unsolved Mysteries MAGA edition.
(13:59):
You might have that Donald Trump Junior definitely knows who
his dad is. The man says the words my father
more than the.
Speaker 13 (14:06):
Pope, my father, my father, my father, my father.
Speaker 14 (14:09):
And yet in recent years, a mysterious thing happened. Don
Junior started talking like a man who had no damn
idea that Donald Trump was his dad. Listen to this.
Speaker 13 (14:20):
I wish my name was Hunter Biden. I could go
abroad make millions off of my father's presidency. I'd be
a really rich guy. It would be incredible.
Speaker 14 (14:28):
He knows who his dad is, right, because this is
like the Kool eight Man complaining about other people crashing
through walls and leaving Kool eight man size holes.
Speaker 13 (14:38):
Whether it's Hunter, whether it's Joe Biden's brother, whether it's
his sister. They've all spent their entire lives profiting of
Joe Biden's taxpayer funded offices. Here Son, here's every job
you've ever had.
Speaker 14 (14:51):
Does Don Junior think that he got that job at
the Trump Organization because he wrote a good cover letter?
Does Donald Trump Junior not know what the word junior?
Just like he thought Saturday Night Live was abbreviated.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
S and L.
Speaker 14 (15:06):
What explains this mystifying lack of self awareness. Is it
possible that the unthinkable is true that Don Junior doesn't
know that Donald Trump is his father? Investigators have come
through days of footage of Don Junior and Donald together,
but have not found a single hug or even an
(15:26):
affectionate look between the two. Because, really, if Don Junior
does know that Donald Trump is his father, what could
explain this.
Speaker 13 (15:37):
Joe Biden, as a presidential contender is likely the most
corrupted and potentially corrupted person to ever run for office
of the presidency. Joe Biden doesn't know where he is
fifty percent of the time. But a guy can't conform
a complete sentence It's.
Speaker 21 (15:52):
Almost like the whole Biden family is entirely dependent on
Joe holding public office, and not only was it us.
Speaker 14 (16:00):
If you have any information as to why Donald Trump
Junior doesn't seem to realize that his father is Donald Trump,
please contact Unsolved Mysteries before he starts complaining that Joe
Biden is a racist. Text Chiet who couldn't even run
a casino? The moon was coming set off this doctor
s morning. It's my old foots.
Speaker 22 (16:25):
This is a crazy story from California where a dad
he drove his whole family off of cliff into Tesla.
So fortunately they all survived it. When the paramedics arrived,
the wife said that he did it on purpose. Now
I've been there for thirty eight years, I can tell
you I love my wife and children very much and
I would never drive them off of cliff.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
But I thought about it.
Speaker 13 (16:46):
I thought about it.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Anybody who's been.
Speaker 22 (16:50):
In the car with screaming ass kids and a cliff available,
either you thought about it or you're lying.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Look at him.
Speaker 5 (17:01):
I thought about it, but I was patient. Kid will
drive you.
Speaker 22 (17:11):
You asked me about that bathroom one more damn time
were going off the cliff.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
That's where.
Speaker 22 (17:16):
Even the jug would be like, well, the defendant, I
mean hero, I mean defendant.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
All right.
Speaker 22 (17:23):
What I don't understand is how a tesla is the
vibe going off a cliff, but it can't make you
down the street without blowing the fuck up.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I don't understand that.
Speaker 8 (17:33):
And I Georgia's Republican nominee for US Senate, Herschel Walker
is admitting that he has a ten year old son
who he didn't raise. Court documents show that the boy's
mother had to sue him for paternity and child support.
Speaker 21 (17:45):
Just a day after news broke that Walker had a
secret ten year old son, the Daily Beast discovered that
Walker actually has two more additional children he has never
publicly acknowledged.
Speaker 17 (17:56):
Yeah, that's right, not one, but three secrets children. How
do you even keep that many kids secret? I mean,
at some point you got to confuse their names. It's like,
I love you, Susan, I mean Claire, I mean Frank,
I mean Susan.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
You are Susan, and I love you.
Speaker 17 (18:11):
And look, here's the thing.
Speaker 5 (18:12):
I understand this.
Speaker 17 (18:12):
It doesn't matter to me how many kids you have
or with how many people. I think in America, there's
too much moralizing around some of these issues.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
But it does matter.
Speaker 17 (18:21):
If you spend all your time vilifying other men for
doing the same thing that you do, you've vilified them.
You're calling them out, Oh, it's because they're black men,
and you know it, it's not.
Speaker 5 (18:31):
It's bullshit, you know.
Speaker 17 (18:32):
And this always happens to It always happens when a
politician comes down weirdly hard on a specific group of people.
That's when you should be suspicious they come down on
one thing. So there's a politician that's like, we have
to stop these perverts that love to lick the back
of people's knees at the public poll. You're like, I
think this dude licks the back of people's knees. So
(18:54):
Walker loves conspiracies, He lies about his achievements, and I guess,
just like Trump, he pretends he doesn't have some of
his kids. And right now, if you're thinking there's no
way herschel Walker could be more hypocritical than this, well
I hope you didn't place a bet.
Speaker 12 (19:07):
There is a new twist in the pivotal Senate race
in Georgia. The website The Daily Beast is reporting Republican
candidate herschel Walker paid for a woman he was dating
to get an abortion in two thousand and nine.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker says he is pro
life and supports a nationwide abortion band with no exceptions,
but new reporting from The Daily Beast claims he encouraged
a woman he was dating in two thousand and nine
to get an abortion and to help pay for it.
The woman, whose identity was not published, provided the Daily
Beast with a receipt for the procedure, a get well card,
(19:41):
and an image of a seven hundred dollars check allegedly
signed by Walker.
Speaker 17 (19:46):
Wow an anti abortion Republican court paying for his girlfriend's abortion.
That is a bombshell, especially because he left behind so
much proof. I mean, this woman says that she has
a receipt, a check, and a get well card that
he signed. The only way there could be more of
(20:07):
a paper trailler is if he bought a souvenir T
shirt from the abortion Killing's gift shop and now, believe
it or not, Believe it or not, this is just
the tip of the iceberg when it comes to herschel Walker, right,
he has multiple allegations of domestic abuse against him, including
from his ex wife. His own son, who is a
prominent conservative, has said most of the stories are true,
and herschel Walker himself said that sometimes he couldn't control
(20:30):
his own brain. But despite all of this, he still
has the full support of the Republican Party, including a
top aide to Mitch McConnell, who just today said it's
full speed ahead in Georgia. Yeah, because clearly mcconnel's like, Lock,
there's not my bravery daughtery, what of our care ma?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
You know a lot of times in this produm, we're
always talking about the problems in our society, but our
society has much to celebrate.
Speaker 13 (20:57):
Everybody's talking about dead fox.
Speaker 23 (20:59):
Guy who look like they go to the gym, but
they also maybe enjoying a little pizza, little beer.
Speaker 5 (21:04):
Elizabeth and I find it really attractive.
Speaker 11 (21:06):
Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Siegel, and Seth Rogan have all been
called dad box.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Undefined abs and maybe even a little bit of flabb
are actually.
Speaker 24 (21:15):
In women admitting that normal looking guys are the sexy ones.
Speaker 25 (21:19):
Yeah, It's like Christmas came early this year for dudes,
because everywhere, look, there's jolly Faton for more in the
new look That's Driving Women Crazy.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
We're joined by senior women's issues correspondent Kristin Shawl.
Speaker 26 (21:32):
Kristin, Hello, well, thanks John, and what a great day
for men. It's time society Finally, he's tupted that a
man's body changes when.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
He has kids. He's spent nine.
Speaker 26 (21:47):
Months eating too much because his pregnant wife is stressing
him out, and then there's a screamy baby at home.
He's got to get out for pizza and beer as
much as he can. It's just biology, John, You.
Speaker 5 (21:59):
Know, but at those guys we just heard about, they're
not even dad.
Speaker 26 (22:02):
You don't have to be a dad dad, a dad bob.
You just have to be really lazy. And women are
lining up at the dad Bobe buffet, which is great
news because now you don't have to worry about magazines
like this shoving an impossible body image down your throat,
like this chiseled triangle thing, you know I'm talking about,
(22:24):
like the borderline between where the chest ends, you know,
and then the fun begins.
Speaker 24 (22:30):
You know what.
Speaker 26 (22:31):
Let's just forget about these names because it is gone.
Speaker 9 (22:40):
That's turn job here.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
You try wrick this guy up Okay, there we go.
Speaker 5 (22:46):
Absolutely, here we go.
Speaker 26 (22:47):
Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, get rid of it. Good jock, John, put.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
All your.
Speaker 26 (23:06):
Well, you know who really loves this dad botchin Guys
like you who get most of their exercise by turning
from camera one to camera three.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
As a forty something year old dad, I find this
notion profoundly reassuring.
Speaker 5 (23:19):
It show what's your dad bod? I wish I could.
Speaker 22 (23:21):
I'm going to get a beer pizza after the show.
Speaker 15 (23:23):
I think women think.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
You're certain nuts if you've got this six if you
go in like a dad bod sandwich.
Speaker 26 (23:27):
Right here, they're all having a really good belly laugh. Well,
the guys are if that woman added belly at all,
they would not let her on that show.
Speaker 5 (23:38):
Well, I don't know, of course. I mean maybe there's
a good thing.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Maybe dad bod.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Dad bod is just the beginning, and it opens the
door to celebrating the mom bob.
Speaker 26 (23:49):
Oh, sweet sweet John. We're already obsessed with mom bods,
or at least how fast moms can get rid of them.
Speaker 11 (23:56):
There's a new breed of mom on the playground, dubbed moms.
They're a hybrid of mommy's and bombshells.
Speaker 9 (24:03):
That's eleven months after giving birth.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Looks amazing.
Speaker 24 (24:05):
She had a baby seven months ago.
Speaker 5 (24:07):
She has a five month old three months.
Speaker 11 (24:09):
After having a baby, looking impossibly spelt perfect.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Amazing, incredible, just weeks after giving birthday That figure too,
she's jisted a baby.
Speaker 26 (24:17):
They're not real people, they're celebrities. Beyonce Scylett Johansson, j
Lo Michelle Dugar.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Michelle Tuger from the reality show with the Nineteen Kids.
Speaker 26 (24:28):
Yeah, that's how hot she is. Her husband is never
not seeing her. Why do you think she has to
hide her body under that sister wife dress to stop
tempting the rest of us.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Why is there so much pressure though on women to
be skinny? You know, it hasn't always been that way.
Look at the Rubenesque women in those older paintings by.
Speaker 26 (24:49):
Right Picasso talk about impossible body standards. I spent years
trying to get my nose on the side of my face.
Speaker 17 (24:56):
And lit it.
Speaker 26 (24:57):
John. Women will never be able to relax about their
bodies the way the men can.
Speaker 27 (25:01):
Well, it's it's it's too bad, because it feels great
to be able to, you know, to not think about it.
Speaker 5 (25:06):
The old feel good in the old dad.
Speaker 26 (25:08):
Bottom line, well you earned it, daddy. O all that
not working out, focusing on other things besides your body.
You want to just stand up and give the audience
a little treat, show them what a mostly adequate physic
looks like.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
I wanted to be a book to.
Speaker 24 (25:40):
Take care of for fifty years.
Speaker 26 (25:43):
I don't have to ask a friends go with that shake,
because they obviously did show off how your looks are
not what society values most in you.
Speaker 18 (25:55):
Good.
Speaker 25 (25:55):
Wait, hold on, I'm trying to feel it is. Oh yeah,
I'm strying to feel it Oh yeah, I'm starting to
feel it now. Uh huh oh yeah.
Speaker 5 (26:06):
Here comes to tark.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
I'm a tart.
Speaker 26 (26:08):
I'm gonna I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Kristin shall everybody, We'll be right by.
Speaker 17 (26:19):
Have you ever watched your team losing and wish that
you could jump in to help, Well, that's exactly what
this North Carolina dad did.
Speaker 24 (26:26):
A North Carolina man was arrested after getting too involved
in his son's high school wrestling match. At one point,
the wrestler in the gray uniform picks up the wrestler
in the black uniform slams under the ground. The referee
rule of the move was illegal and blew the whistle.
But moments later a man runs out knocks them wrestler
to the ground.
Speaker 5 (26:44):
It was the other boy's dad.
Speaker 24 (26:45):
The man was arrested, charged with assault and disorderly conduct.
Speaker 15 (26:50):
God damn, what was that father thinking. You can't just
running from the sidelines and beat up a teenager. Your
son has to tag you in first, come on rules
of wrestling. And if you think that's bad, you should
have seen him at his daughter's ballet recital.
Speaker 5 (27:07):
That shit is insane.
Speaker 15 (27:10):
And look, I get the dad's.
Speaker 17 (27:11):
Anger, but you realize this thing could have gotten out
of hand, right, because no one thinks about this. But
what if the other wrestler's dad saw it happen and
then he jumped in, right, And then what if the
first dad's dad jumped in to help him, Then the other.
Speaker 15 (27:23):
Guy's grandfather jumped in.
Speaker 17 (27:24):
Then a coffin just lands on all of them. Gotta
think of these things. But this is why I never
bring my mom to the Emmys. Parents are really competitive. Yeah,
if I broke my mom to the Emmys and then
she sees me lose to John Oliver, she'll rush the
podium and tackle him to the ground. There, poor John
will be on the ground screaming like, holy shit, I've
just been tackled by a woman from South Africa. And
(27:46):
by the way, that's now South Africa, that's South Africa.
Speaker 23 (27:52):
I know your son is getting too tooth losing a
Is he getting that sweet six bucks from the tooth fair?
Speaker 5 (28:00):
Hell?
Speaker 14 (28:01):
No, I did the responsible thing with my boy and
I told him that the two fairy is dead.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
The tenth fairy is that she's that she dad, She.
Speaker 14 (28:12):
Gon she she tripped over my son's toys. If he
laying laying over the house, she stepped on the toy,
broke her neck and choked on the choked her death
on her own tongue.
Speaker 5 (28:22):
Why would you say that to your own kid.
Speaker 14 (28:24):
Well, he's gotta put his damn toys up now, I
bet you will.
Speaker 7 (28:27):
Now.
Speaker 14 (28:29):
Look is it like like I'm tired of him not
cleaning up and I'm tired of buying into this system. Man,
listen to us. We're paying our kids just for losing teeth.
And what are they learning from that? What are they learning?
All your kids learning is that they can sell their
body parts for money. No wonder, no wonder. I spent
(28:49):
my whole twenty selling plasma, selling blood, selling sperms, selling
ball marrow, dropped off a kidney. All the two fairy
did was teach me how to treat my body like
a garage set.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
But losing a tooth is a big moment. He should
get something.
Speaker 14 (29:05):
He is getting something. He's getting the new tooths. Don't
surprise you get to keep chewing.
Speaker 5 (29:12):
And let's just be real.
Speaker 14 (29:14):
I said, where does it end lose a tooth? Six dollars?
Oh you got your first ZiT. Here's ten dollars. Oh,
your body keep changing. I'm gonna have to keep tipping
this little brother for growing hair on his back. No,
he gets one present a year his birthday, that's it.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Okay, what about my presidents?
Speaker 5 (29:30):
Right?
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Wait, what Christmas?
Speaker 14 (29:33):
Let's send her dad too. I told my son that
Santa Claus died from too much screen time on.
Speaker 23 (29:40):
The Ipadways, listen, man, for your son's sake, man, just here,
just give this a Henry tails from Uncle Hassin.
Speaker 5 (29:48):
Okay, Wow, he.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Lost two teeth.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
A thirteen year old Honduran little Edwin Daniels Sebion traveled
thirty two hundred miles by bus, foot and bike to
New York City to find the father he has never known.
Brave Edwins set out on his own, arriving in Manhattan
carrying only twenty four dollars, a tattered paper bag with
a change of clothes, and three wet cookies. I'm sorry,
(30:18):
I have something in my eye.
Speaker 27 (30:21):
During the journey, the boy passed through Houston, Corpus Christi,
New Orleans, and lots of small towns where he would
stay long enough to sleep, eat, meet the locals, then
high tail it after turning into the hulk. New York
City police are now taking care of Edwin, feeding a McDonald's,
an ice cream cake from Carvel, and on that diet,
(30:42):
he will be qualified to join the force in about
five years.
Speaker 5 (30:53):
Just kidding.
Speaker 27 (30:54):
Falls Sadly, Edwin's father hasn't turned up for fear of deportation,
so his official guardian is New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani,
who has promised to give the young man work as
a senate race ethnic pawn.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
And that was other news.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
I came to the convention with a dream to interview
Tim Walls, also known as America's Dad.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
This is America's dad.
Speaker 5 (31:21):
Quote, Big Dad energy, Big Dad Energy.
Speaker 7 (31:24):
Unfortunately, America's Dad seemed to be a very difficult interview
to get Governor Waltz.
Speaker 4 (31:31):
Governor Waltz.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Governor Waltz.
Speaker 8 (31:34):
Governor Waltz is doing his best job ignoring me right now.
Speaker 7 (31:37):
If I was going to catch Tim Walls, I needed
to lure him in with a track that a dad
could not resist. Can anyone help me with this pie
for my date?
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Shoot?
Speaker 5 (31:48):
Shoot?
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Shoot?
Speaker 7 (31:50):
Did anyone know how to use a studfinder? Does anyone
know how to fill out a baseball score sheet by hand?
Does anyone want this copy of Rudy on Blu Ray?
Come on, I know you want it? And now we wait?
(32:15):
Are you most excited to hear talk today?
Speaker 5 (32:17):
I'm really seeing Roccoba. You're cute. Do you happen to
have a convertible?
Speaker 7 (32:21):
You could recklessly drive me around?
Speaker 3 (32:22):
And both no one's within earshot?
Speaker 11 (32:25):
Who might want to put their foot down and stop
to still advise?
Speaker 7 (32:28):
Romance?
Speaker 8 (32:35):
Got hop ups leading up to a ben gate and
a beer, perfect trap for Tim Walls.
Speaker 26 (32:42):
I'm gonna sum up a cigarette unless someone stops me.
Speaker 7 (32:46):
Hope no one catches me, makes me pook the whole pact,
learn lesson WHOA I'm going absolutely crazy now?
Speaker 5 (32:54):
Oh, Jude, Oh my god, I.
Speaker 26 (32:59):
Just got a ticket to a Roy Orbison cover band.
Speaker 7 (33:02):
Does anyone want it?
Speaker 16 (33:07):
Anyone know if there is an LL be nearby.
Speaker 22 (33:11):
I don't know if we'll get to the voting booth
this year.
Speaker 16 (33:14):
I don't know how to drive stick.
Speaker 7 (33:16):
Is there anyone here?
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Any teacher?
Speaker 5 (33:19):
Teach?
Speaker 7 (33:20):
Downtrodden and deflated? I had one last idea.
Speaker 13 (33:24):
Anyone around here know if this fire extinguisher is up
to come?
Speaker 5 (33:29):
I see the twenty twenty four or on here? I
see February punched out?
Speaker 7 (33:34):
Are you Tim Walls all right there?
Speaker 5 (33:36):
Man?
Speaker 20 (33:39):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
You get your podcasts.
Speaker 18 (33:46):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 5 (33:58):
Yew
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Democrats have a moral perch from which they can judge
without shame, hypocrisy, or nuance.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Breaking news, President Biden has issued a pardon for his
son Hunter Biden.
Speaker 4 (00:23):
Mother, we were so close, but you know it, get fine,
It's good, it's.
Speaker 5 (00:35):
Right, it's just right.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
An eighty two year old man doesn't want to spend
the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
The publicans can't wait with the shit all the time.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
I'm sure the pardon is a narrowly written, precisely drawn
farewell note of compassion for a loved one.
Speaker 6 (00:54):
The pardon sweeping covering offenses that Hunter Biden quote has
committed or may have committed or taken over the past
eleven years.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Eleven years is a very specific and not rounded amount
of time. So, Haunter, I'll give you a pardon a
few years, five years, ten years.
Speaker 5 (01:28):
It needs to be eleven.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
And if you would be so kind, make sure this
upcoming New Year's Eve is also covered.
Speaker 5 (01:44):
Shit's going to get Christy.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I didn't know pardons could cover for crimes you may
have committed.
Speaker 7 (01:51):
Um.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I'm surprised Biden didn't include the phrase on Earth one
or any.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Of the Earth's in the multi verse.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Now, some would say that's what any loving father would
do for their troubled son or daughter, should they have
the power. But on Fox News it was this love,
in fact, that may have caused the problem in the
first place.
Speaker 5 (02:13):
My dad always told me, Ainsley, if you get arrested,
don't call me. I'm not your first phone call.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
I'm leaving you in there. Good night, sweetie. Your dad
always told you that. Were you a degenerate or was
your dad de niro.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Nost Listen to me, No, you get pinched, I'm not
your first phone call.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
I don't know you.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
It's ten grand and a gun on the floorboards. Good luck, kid,
and by the way, not just Ainslie. The rest of
the Fox cinematic universe was no happier.
Speaker 6 (02:57):
Probably the worst president in US history, but also the
most corrupt.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
This entire administration has been nothing but as jam.
Speaker 8 (03:03):
He and his family are so full of slime that
Nickelodeon is going to sue for trademark infringement.
Speaker 9 (03:09):
You Joe Biden, You Joe Biden, Megan Kelly, who do
you think you are?
Speaker 10 (03:21):
Me?
Speaker 1 (03:24):
What am I supposed to say?
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Now? It was my line. You've sold my true.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Line at long last. Have you no decens.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Me? Of course, no one was more outraged than America's
judicial compass, Donald Seneca Trump.
Speaker 11 (03:47):
President elect Trump laying in as well, he says, does
the pardon given by Joe to Hunter include the January
sixth hostages who have now been in prison for years?
Such an abuse and miscarriage of justice?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Oh? You and your son?
Speaker 2 (04:01):
What about the people who tried to help me overthrow
the government? It's kind of a leap there. It's like going,
you know, oh, you're gonna let the kids stay up
to watch SNL, but you're not even gonna try to
help me burn the neighbor's house down. So obviously Republicans
are going to criticize. But Biden did make this line
(04:23):
of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so
long saying you wouldn't do it, because of how much
he respects the system. I'm not gonna do anything, I said,
I adde by the jury decision.
Speaker 6 (04:36):
I will do that, and I'm not.
Speaker 5 (04:37):
Part of them.
Speaker 12 (04:38):
Will you accept the jury's outcome, their verdict, no matter
what it is.
Speaker 5 (04:42):
Yes?
Speaker 13 (04:44):
And have you ruled out a pardon for your son?
Speaker 5 (04:46):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
I watch this dive. But here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I don't know if you've ever found in some of
this situation, If you ever find yourself in a situation
where you are being questioned about pardoning your son, do
not do it at the.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Swim up bar of a club med.
Speaker 5 (05:18):
And also not for nothing with an old guy.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
I mean, Biden squints indoors, so you don't face the
guy in the sun and try and get an honest
He immediately looks untrustworthy.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
You're gonna give him a pardon. But you know what,
ladies and.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Gentlemen, hypocrisy isn't illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics.
It's not like he's ever gonna run again, So why
not take care of your kid even if you said
you weren't gonna I respect it.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
I don't have a problem with it.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden's
pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of this defense
of America, this grand experiment.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
One political party remains committed to the rule of law
and the other doesn't.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
It's that simple, Hunter, Biden's not above the law.
Speaker 14 (06:10):
No one is above the law.
Speaker 15 (06:11):
Democrats stand for the rule of law.
Speaker 6 (06:13):
We accept the outcome, because that's how the rule of
law works.
Speaker 16 (06:16):
Because the justice system that convicted is only surviving son
is the same justice system he's vowed to protect. And
if that doesn't tell you who Joe Biden is, I
don't really know what does.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
I think I know what does?
Speaker 5 (06:37):
And now look at the dance Democrats have to do.
Speaker 17 (06:40):
Be honest, the only reason why they went after a
hunter the way they did, and I've talked to many
federal prosecutors about this, is because he's the president's son.
Speaker 12 (06:47):
People have to remember, the president had lost two children
already and he does not need to lose another one
to more political which hunts.
Speaker 8 (06:53):
The you know, crawling from Republicans.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
But we're talking about you know, Donald Trump is a convicted.
Speaker 9 (06:59):
Felon who literally.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Pardoned his daughter's father in law and just made an
ambassador to France.
Speaker 11 (07:07):
So for anyone that wants to clutch their pearls now
because he decided that he was going to pardon his son,
I would say, take a look in the mirror, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
We will take a look in that mirror. But we
are taking off, so you could just put this shit
on airplane mode.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
And let us get home.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
For the holidays.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Yes, yes, yes, yes to everything that you guys were saying.
If you hadn't made Hunter Biden not receiving a pardon
the Mason Dixon line of morality between Democrats.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
And Republicans, there's a big gap between.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
The law is the only thing that separates us from
the animals, and.
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Monkey frough shitted me first.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
I had no choice is what Biden's decision is done.
Look how confident and eloquent our Democratic representatives were back
when they thought they had the moral high ground on
this issue.
Speaker 18 (08:08):
I've not heard a single Democrat anywhere in the country
cry fraud, cry fixed, cry rigged, cry kangaroo court. You
don't hear a single peep out of any Democrat saying that.
Why we believe in the rule of law.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
And now look at what even he one of the
most verbally dexterous attorneys we have on Capitol Hill, has
been reduced to do.
Speaker 6 (08:32):
You think President Biden should pardon Hunter Biden?
Speaker 19 (08:35):
So there are lots of claims of political prosecution and.
Speaker 5 (08:39):
It was Hunter politically well, I.
Speaker 19 (08:41):
Mean, obviously that's a judicial point, and then you've got to
look at what the evidence is.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
And I don't know enough. Should I mean.
Speaker 19 (08:47):
Again, that is a unilateral executive power that.
Speaker 16 (08:53):
And should he use it?
Speaker 5 (08:54):
Well, you know the.
Speaker 19 (08:56):
Power exists for the president to show mercy for people.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I mean, we have an executive and we have a
judicial and then a legislative and.
Speaker 5 (09:07):
Then smoke bomb, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Wow, the first time I've crouched since Thanksgiving? And oh
that did not go well.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
But then why this weekend?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Normally you drop a controversial pardon like the way you
buy porn at a gas station, in a flurry of
other distracting purchases.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
And pardons. Will you give me the breath?
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Minstead to w D forty to squeegee there one of
those anal magazines, some corn nuts, pardon for my son,
the big Dicks Like Chicks pamphlet.
Speaker 5 (10:12):
So why did you do it? Now?
Speaker 6 (10:15):
As the NBC News first reported, the President did decide
to reverse course O for the holiday weekend at his
family's annual Thanksgiving getaway in Nantucket.
Speaker 5 (10:24):
Thanksgiving, I knew it.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down
in my new One Man show, Can you get Hunter
to stop looking at me like that?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
I take you there now, I'll be playing the role
of Hunter. How are you father? Are you well? Father?
Speaker 5 (11:11):
I'm a big down.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
You know, last Thanksgiving with the family for a while.
If only someone could change that. This turkey is deligious
obviously not one of the ones that was pardoned. I
(11:49):
made you watch that because people think I.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Can't act.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Overseas.
Speaker 20 (11:57):
A dutch Man is facing legal action for allegedly bothering
at least five hundred and fifty children.
Speaker 5 (12:02):
The forty one year old is a sperm donor. He's accused, though,
of lying.
Speaker 20 (12:06):
About the number of kids he's fathered through sperm banks,
violating agreements limits are placed on donors to protect children's health.
It's unclear what legal ramifications he could face.
Speaker 10 (12:23):
Holy shit, come on, he donated enough sperm for five
hundred and fifty kids. Goddamn dude, say something for the shower, bro.
What But in Thisgui's defense, when you're this cool, you
(12:46):
have an obligation to procreate. I mean, who want to
get knocked up by this sperm? But still, though, this
is going to make for some awkward conversations. Mommy, what's
my biological father like?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Honey?
Speaker 10 (13:05):
All I know about him is he loved to jack off.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Good night, honey.
Speaker 13 (13:12):
The accusations against our groper in chief as a governor
of New York. This guy was made a hero when
he seems like he's maybe the biggest predator in American
politics today.
Speaker 14 (13:23):
In recent weeks, Donald Trump Junior, the oldest, least ERICI,
son of Donald Trump, has been complaining that a politician
has not been punished for his alleged sex crimes. It
raises an uncomfortable question, does Don Junior know who his
father is? Seriously, that's this week on Unsolved Mysteries MAGA edition.
(13:59):
You might have that Donald Trump Junior definitely knows who
his dad is. The man says the words my father
more than the.
Speaker 13 (14:06):
Pope, my father, my father, my father, my father.
Speaker 14 (14:09):
And yet in recent years, a mysterious thing happened. Don
Junior started talking like a man who had no damn
idea that Donald Trump was his dad. Listen to this.
Speaker 13 (14:20):
I wish my name was Hunter Biden. I could go
abroad make millions off of my father's presidency. I'd be
a really rich guy. It would be incredible.
Speaker 14 (14:28):
He knows who his dad is, right, because this is
like the Kool eight Man complaining about other people crashing
through walls and leaving Kool eight man size holes.
Speaker 13 (14:38):
Whether it's Hunter, whether it's Joe Biden's brother, whether it's
his sister. They've all spent their entire lives profiting of
Joe Biden's taxpayer funded offices. Here Son, here's every job
you've ever had.
Speaker 14 (14:51):
Does Don Junior think that he got that job at
the Trump Organization because he wrote a good cover letter?
Does Donald Trump Junior not know what the word junior?
Just like he thought Saturday Night Live was abbreviated.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
S and L.
Speaker 14 (15:06):
What explains this mystifying lack of self awareness. Is it
possible that the unthinkable is true that Don Junior doesn't
know that Donald Trump is his father? Investigators have come
through days of footage of Don Junior and Donald together,
but have not found a single hug or even an
(15:26):
affectionate look between the two. Because, really, if Don Junior
does know that Donald Trump is his father, what could
explain this.
Speaker 13 (15:37):
Joe Biden, as a presidential contender is likely the most
corrupted and potentially corrupted person to ever run for office
of the presidency. Joe Biden doesn't know where he is
fifty percent of the time. But a guy can't conform
a complete sentence It's.
Speaker 21 (15:52):
Almost like the whole Biden family is entirely dependent on
Joe holding public office, and not only was it us.
Speaker 14 (16:00):
If you have any information as to why Donald Trump
Junior doesn't seem to realize that his father is Donald Trump,
please contact Unsolved Mysteries before he starts complaining that Joe
Biden is a racist. Text Chiet who couldn't even run
a casino? The moon was coming set off this doctor
s morning. It's my old foots.
Speaker 22 (16:25):
This is a crazy story from California where a dad
he drove his whole family off of cliff into Tesla.
So fortunately they all survived it. When the paramedics arrived,
the wife said that he did it on purpose. Now
I've been there for thirty eight years, I can tell
you I love my wife and children very much and
I would never drive them off of cliff.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
But I thought about it.
Speaker 13 (16:46):
I thought about it.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Anybody who's been.
Speaker 22 (16:50):
In the car with screaming ass kids and a cliff available,
either you thought about it or you're lying.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Look at him.
Speaker 5 (17:01):
I thought about it, but I was patient. Kid will
drive you.
Speaker 22 (17:11):
You asked me about that bathroom one more damn time
were going off the cliff.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
That's where.
Speaker 22 (17:16):
Even the jug would be like, well, the defendant, I
mean hero, I mean defendant.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
All right.
Speaker 22 (17:23):
What I don't understand is how a tesla is the
vibe going off a cliff, but it can't make you
down the street without blowing the fuck up.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I don't understand that.
Speaker 8 (17:33):
And I Georgia's Republican nominee for US Senate, Herschel Walker
is admitting that he has a ten year old son
who he didn't raise. Court documents show that the boy's
mother had to sue him for paternity and child support.
Speaker 21 (17:45):
Just a day after news broke that Walker had a
secret ten year old son, the Daily Beast discovered that
Walker actually has two more additional children he has never
publicly acknowledged.
Speaker 17 (17:56):
Yeah, that's right, not one, but three secrets children. How
do you even keep that many kids secret? I mean,
at some point you got to confuse their names. It's like,
I love you, Susan, I mean Claire, I mean Frank,
I mean Susan.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
You are Susan, and I love you.
Speaker 17 (18:11):
And look, here's the thing.
Speaker 5 (18:12):
I understand this.
Speaker 17 (18:12):
It doesn't matter to me how many kids you have
or with how many people. I think in America, there's
too much moralizing around some of these issues.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
But it does matter.
Speaker 17 (18:21):
If you spend all your time vilifying other men for
doing the same thing that you do, you've vilified them.
You're calling them out, Oh, it's because they're black men,
and you know it, it's not.
Speaker 5 (18:31):
It's bullshit, you know.
Speaker 17 (18:32):
And this always happens to It always happens when a
politician comes down weirdly hard on a specific group of people.
That's when you should be suspicious they come down on
one thing. So there's a politician that's like, we have
to stop these perverts that love to lick the back
of people's knees at the public poll. You're like, I
think this dude licks the back of people's knees. So
(18:54):
Walker loves conspiracies, He lies about his achievements, and I guess,
just like Trump, he pretends he doesn't have some of
his kids. And right now, if you're thinking there's no
way herschel Walker could be more hypocritical than this, well
I hope you didn't place a bet.
Speaker 12 (19:07):
There is a new twist in the pivotal Senate race
in Georgia. The website The Daily Beast is reporting Republican
candidate herschel Walker paid for a woman he was dating
to get an abortion in two thousand and nine.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker says he is pro
life and supports a nationwide abortion band with no exceptions,
but new reporting from The Daily Beast claims he encouraged
a woman he was dating in two thousand and nine
to get an abortion and to help pay for it.
The woman, whose identity was not published, provided the Daily
Beast with a receipt for the procedure, a get well card,
(19:41):
and an image of a seven hundred dollars check allegedly
signed by Walker.
Speaker 17 (19:46):
Wow an anti abortion Republican court paying for his girlfriend's abortion.
That is a bombshell, especially because he left behind so
much proof. I mean, this woman says that she has
a receipt, a check, and a get well card that
he signed. The only way there could be more of
(20:07):
a paper trailler is if he bought a souvenir T
shirt from the abortion Killing's gift shop and now, believe
it or not, Believe it or not, this is just
the tip of the iceberg when it comes to herschel Walker, right,
he has multiple allegations of domestic abuse against him, including
from his ex wife. His own son, who is a
prominent conservative, has said most of the stories are true,
and herschel Walker himself said that sometimes he couldn't control
(20:30):
his own brain. But despite all of this, he still
has the full support of the Republican Party, including a
top aide to Mitch McConnell, who just today said it's
full speed ahead in Georgia. Yeah, because clearly mcconnel's like, Lock,
there's not my bravery daughtery, what of our care ma?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
You know a lot of times in this produm, we're
always talking about the problems in our society, but our
society has much to celebrate.
Speaker 13 (20:57):
Everybody's talking about dead fox.
Speaker 23 (20:59):
Guy who look like they go to the gym, but
they also maybe enjoying a little pizza, little beer.
Speaker 5 (21:04):
Elizabeth and I find it really attractive.
Speaker 11 (21:06):
Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Siegel, and Seth Rogan have all been
called dad box.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Undefined abs and maybe even a little bit of flabb
are actually.
Speaker 24 (21:15):
In women admitting that normal looking guys are the sexy ones.
Speaker 25 (21:19):
Yeah, It's like Christmas came early this year for dudes,
because everywhere, look, there's jolly Faton for more in the
new look That's Driving Women Crazy.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
We're joined by senior women's issues correspondent Kristin Shawl.
Speaker 26 (21:32):
Kristin, Hello, well, thanks John, and what a great day
for men. It's time society Finally, he's tupted that a
man's body changes when.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
He has kids. He's spent nine.
Speaker 26 (21:47):
Months eating too much because his pregnant wife is stressing
him out, and then there's a screamy baby at home.
He's got to get out for pizza and beer as
much as he can. It's just biology, John, You.
Speaker 5 (21:59):
Know, but at those guys we just heard about, they're
not even dad.
Speaker 26 (22:02):
You don't have to be a dad dad, a dad bob.
You just have to be really lazy. And women are
lining up at the dad Bobe buffet, which is great
news because now you don't have to worry about magazines
like this shoving an impossible body image down your throat,
like this chiseled triangle thing, you know I'm talking about,
(22:24):
like the borderline between where the chest ends, you know,
and then the fun begins.
Speaker 24 (22:30):
You know what.
Speaker 26 (22:31):
Let's just forget about these names because it is gone.
Speaker 9 (22:40):
That's turn job here.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
You try wrick this guy up Okay, there we go.
Speaker 5 (22:46):
Absolutely, here we go.
Speaker 26 (22:47):
Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, get rid of it. Good jock, John, put.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
All your.
Speaker 26 (23:06):
Well, you know who really loves this dad botchin Guys
like you who get most of their exercise by turning
from camera one to camera three.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
As a forty something year old dad, I find this
notion profoundly reassuring.
Speaker 5 (23:19):
It show what's your dad bod? I wish I could.
Speaker 22 (23:21):
I'm going to get a beer pizza after the show.
Speaker 15 (23:23):
I think women think.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
You're certain nuts if you've got this six if you
go in like a dad bod sandwich.
Speaker 26 (23:27):
Right here, they're all having a really good belly laugh. Well,
the guys are if that woman added belly at all,
they would not let her on that show.
Speaker 5 (23:38):
Well, I don't know, of course. I mean maybe there's
a good thing.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Maybe dad bod.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Dad bod is just the beginning, and it opens the
door to celebrating the mom bob.
Speaker 26 (23:49):
Oh, sweet sweet John. We're already obsessed with mom bods,
or at least how fast moms can get rid of them.
Speaker 11 (23:56):
There's a new breed of mom on the playground, dubbed moms.
They're a hybrid of mommy's and bombshells.
Speaker 9 (24:03):
That's eleven months after giving birth.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Looks amazing.
Speaker 24 (24:05):
She had a baby seven months ago.
Speaker 5 (24:07):
She has a five month old three months.
Speaker 11 (24:09):
After having a baby, looking impossibly spelt perfect.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Amazing, incredible, just weeks after giving birthday That figure too,
she's jisted a baby.
Speaker 26 (24:17):
They're not real people, they're celebrities. Beyonce Scylett Johansson, j
Lo Michelle Dugar.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Michelle Tuger from the reality show with the Nineteen Kids.
Speaker 26 (24:28):
Yeah, that's how hot she is. Her husband is never
not seeing her. Why do you think she has to
hide her body under that sister wife dress to stop
tempting the rest of us.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Why is there so much pressure though on women to
be skinny? You know, it hasn't always been that way.
Look at the Rubenesque women in those older paintings by.
Speaker 26 (24:49):
Right Picasso talk about impossible body standards. I spent years
trying to get my nose on the side of my face.
Speaker 17 (24:56):
And lit it.
Speaker 26 (24:57):
John. Women will never be able to relax about their
bodies the way the men can.
Speaker 27 (25:01):
Well, it's it's it's too bad, because it feels great
to be able to, you know, to not think about it.
Speaker 5 (25:06):
The old feel good in the old dad.
Speaker 26 (25:08):
Bottom line, well you earned it, daddy. O all that
not working out, focusing on other things besides your body.
You want to just stand up and give the audience
a little treat, show them what a mostly adequate physic
looks like.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
I wanted to be a book to.
Speaker 24 (25:40):
Take care of for fifty years.
Speaker 26 (25:43):
I don't have to ask a friends go with that shake,
because they obviously did show off how your looks are
not what society values most in you.
Speaker 18 (25:55):
Good.
Speaker 25 (25:55):
Wait, hold on, I'm trying to feel it is. Oh yeah,
I'm strying to feel it Oh yeah, I'm starting to
feel it now. Uh huh oh yeah.
Speaker 5 (26:06):
Here comes to tark.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
I'm a tart.
Speaker 26 (26:08):
I'm gonna I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Kristin shall everybody, We'll be right by.
Speaker 17 (26:19):
Have you ever watched your team losing and wish that
you could jump in to help, Well, that's exactly what
this North Carolina dad did.
Speaker 24 (26:26):
A North Carolina man was arrested after getting too involved
in his son's high school wrestling match. At one point,
the wrestler in the gray uniform picks up the wrestler
in the black uniform slams under the ground. The referee
rule of the move was illegal and blew the whistle.
But moments later a man runs out knocks them wrestler
to the ground.
Speaker 5 (26:44):
It was the other boy's dad.
Speaker 24 (26:45):
The man was arrested, charged with assault and disorderly conduct.
Speaker 15 (26:50):
God damn, what was that father thinking. You can't just
running from the sidelines and beat up a teenager. Your
son has to tag you in first, come on rules
of wrestling. And if you think that's bad, you should
have seen him at his daughter's ballet recital.
Speaker 5 (27:07):
That shit is insane.
Speaker 15 (27:10):
And look, I get the dad's.
Speaker 17 (27:11):
Anger, but you realize this thing could have gotten out
of hand, right, because no one thinks about this. But
what if the other wrestler's dad saw it happen and
then he jumped in, right, And then what if the
first dad's dad jumped in to help him, Then the other.
Speaker 15 (27:23):
Guy's grandfather jumped in.
Speaker 17 (27:24):
Then a coffin just lands on all of them. Gotta
think of these things. But this is why I never
bring my mom to the Emmys. Parents are really competitive. Yeah,
if I broke my mom to the Emmys and then
she sees me lose to John Oliver, she'll rush the
podium and tackle him to the ground. There, poor John
will be on the ground screaming like, holy shit, I've
just been tackled by a woman from South Africa. And
(27:46):
by the way, that's now South Africa, that's South Africa.
Speaker 23 (27:52):
I know your son is getting too tooth losing a
Is he getting that sweet six bucks from the tooth fair?
Speaker 5 (28:00):
Hell?
Speaker 14 (28:01):
No, I did the responsible thing with my boy and
I told him that the two fairy is dead.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
The tenth fairy is that she's that she dad, She.
Speaker 14 (28:12):
Gon she she tripped over my son's toys. If he
laying laying over the house, she stepped on the toy,
broke her neck and choked on the choked her death
on her own tongue.
Speaker 5 (28:22):
Why would you say that to your own kid.
Speaker 14 (28:24):
Well, he's gotta put his damn toys up now, I
bet you will.
Speaker 7 (28:27):
Now.
Speaker 14 (28:29):
Look is it like like I'm tired of him not
cleaning up and I'm tired of buying into this system. Man,
listen to us. We're paying our kids just for losing teeth.
And what are they learning from that? What are they learning?
All your kids learning is that they can sell their
body parts for money. No wonder, no wonder. I spent
(28:49):
my whole twenty selling plasma, selling blood, selling sperms, selling
ball marrow, dropped off a kidney. All the two fairy
did was teach me how to treat my body like
a garage set.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
But losing a tooth is a big moment. He should
get something.
Speaker 14 (29:05):
He is getting something. He's getting the new tooths. Don't
surprise you get to keep chewing.
Speaker 5 (29:12):
And let's just be real.
Speaker 14 (29:14):
I said, where does it end lose a tooth? Six dollars?
Oh you got your first ZiT. Here's ten dollars. Oh,
your body keep changing. I'm gonna have to keep tipping
this little brother for growing hair on his back. No,
he gets one present a year his birthday, that's it.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Okay, what about my presidents?
Speaker 5 (29:30):
Right?
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Wait, what Christmas?
Speaker 14 (29:33):
Let's send her dad too. I told my son that
Santa Claus died from too much screen time on.
Speaker 23 (29:40):
The Ipadways, listen, man, for your son's sake, man, just here,
just give this a Henry tails from Uncle Hassin.
Speaker 5 (29:48):
Okay, Wow, he.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Lost two teeth.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
A thirteen year old Honduran little Edwin Daniels Sebion traveled
thirty two hundred miles by bus, foot and bike to
New York City to find the father he has never known.
Brave Edwins set out on his own, arriving in Manhattan
carrying only twenty four dollars, a tattered paper bag with
a change of clothes, and three wet cookies. I'm sorry,
(30:18):
I have something in my eye.
Speaker 27 (30:21):
During the journey, the boy passed through Houston, Corpus Christi,
New Orleans, and lots of small towns where he would
stay long enough to sleep, eat, meet the locals, then
high tail it after turning into the hulk. New York
City police are now taking care of Edwin, feeding a McDonald's,
an ice cream cake from Carvel, and on that diet,
(30:42):
he will be qualified to join the force in about
five years.
Speaker 5 (30:53):
Just kidding.
Speaker 27 (30:54):
Falls Sadly, Edwin's father hasn't turned up for fear of deportation,
so his official guardian is New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani,
who has promised to give the young man work as
a senate race ethnic pawn.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
And that was other news.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
I came to the convention with a dream to interview
Tim Walls, also known as America's Dad.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
This is America's dad.
Speaker 5 (31:21):
Quote, Big Dad energy, Big Dad Energy.
Speaker 7 (31:24):
Unfortunately, America's Dad seemed to be a very difficult interview
to get Governor Waltz.
Speaker 4 (31:31):
Governor Waltz.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Governor Waltz.
Speaker 8 (31:34):
Governor Waltz is doing his best job ignoring me right now.
Speaker 7 (31:37):
If I was going to catch Tim Walls, I needed
to lure him in with a track that a dad
could not resist. Can anyone help me with this pie
for my date?
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Shoot?
Speaker 5 (31:48):
Shoot?
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Shoot?
Speaker 7 (31:50):
Did anyone know how to use a studfinder? Does anyone
know how to fill out a baseball score sheet by hand?
Does anyone want this copy of Rudy on Blu Ray?
Come on, I know you want it? And now we wait?
(32:15):
Are you most excited to hear talk today?
Speaker 5 (32:17):
I'm really seeing Roccoba. You're cute. Do you happen to
have a convertible?
Speaker 7 (32:21):
You could recklessly drive me around?
Speaker 3 (32:22):
And both no one's within earshot?
Speaker 11 (32:25):
Who might want to put their foot down and stop
to still advise?
Speaker 7 (32:28):
Romance?
Speaker 8 (32:35):
Got hop ups leading up to a ben gate and
a beer, perfect trap for Tim Walls.
Speaker 26 (32:42):
I'm gonna sum up a cigarette unless someone stops me.
Speaker 7 (32:46):
Hope no one catches me, makes me pook the whole pact,
learn lesson WHOA I'm going absolutely crazy now?
Speaker 5 (32:54):
Oh, Jude, Oh my god, I.
Speaker 26 (32:59):
Just got a ticket to a Roy Orbison cover band.
Speaker 7 (33:02):
Does anyone want it?
Speaker 16 (33:07):
Anyone know if there is an LL be nearby.
Speaker 22 (33:11):
I don't know if we'll get to the voting booth
this year.
Speaker 16 (33:14):
I don't know how to drive stick.
Speaker 7 (33:16):
Is there anyone here?
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Any teacher?
Speaker 5 (33:19):
Teach?
Speaker 7 (33:20):
Downtrodden and deflated? I had one last idea.
Speaker 13 (33:24):
Anyone around here know if this fire extinguisher is up
to come?
Speaker 5 (33:29):
I see the twenty twenty four or on here? I
see February punched out?
Speaker 7 (33:34):
Are you Tim Walls all right there?
Speaker 5 (33:36):
Man?
Speaker 20 (33:39):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
You get your podcasts.
Speaker 18 (33:46):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 5 (33:58):
Yew
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